The Man Manual

copyright 1999
by
Malcolm B. Mathieson, Jr.
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dedicated to a female co-worker

who shall remain nameless

in order to avoid causing her to

BLUSH TO DEATH!
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Section 1

Understanding Male Nature

(or, Maniacs on the Loose)
Women who have no brothers, or whose brothers and fathers have
woefully neglected their duty, often don’t understand men. This is not good,
since the vast majority of women sooner or later establish some sort of
relationship with men. Relationships based on myth, wishful thinking, or
misinformation can be not merely unpleasant, but literally DISASTROUS.
This manual is intended to give basic insider information to brotherless or
uninformed women. (And who better to write such a manual than a man?)

Obviously, you won’t want to go to a great deal of trouble for every casual
date, but if things get serious, follow this procedure. And keep in mind that
EVERY TIME you go out with a guy you don’t know, if you don’t have a
good friend along and a clearly stated understanding of what’s on the
schedule, you are taking a potentially serious risk. A little paranoia is a
remarkably effective safety device. Keep in mind that you’re not looking for
perfection. You’re trying to weed out the jerks and the psychos and avoid
irreconcilable differences.

FIRST, you should understand that with men, what you see is NEVER what
you get, unless you’re dealing with a flasher, in which case you don’t need
advice. You need a large canister of high strength pepper spray.

All men who are normal enough to be of interest to women are dual-nature
creatures. The external man may be smiling or holding flowers (because he
was taught to act at least semi-civilized) or he may be deliberately
annoying or even insulting (because he was not taught to act civilized, or
because he has a low opinion of himself). However, when confronting a
woman, the inner man is a crazed maniac, straining at his leash, howling
and foaming at the mouth. Trust me, this inner maniac is not concerned
with “establishing a relationship”. So that you may more clearly understand
the severity of the problem, I am including here a sample of comments that
I or other men have made in conversations with women, and the actual
thoughts that accompanied those comments as we were speaking.
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“I like cats.”
(…and you are a purrfect sex kitten!)

“I like dogs.”
(You make me want to howl at the moon! Aaawhooo…)

“I wouldn’t mind trying an all-vegetable diet.”

(I like her pumpkins. LOVE those peaches! I REALLY wanna pluck her!)

“I like parrots.”
(Polly want a cracker? Polly want a redneck? Polly want a REAL MAN?)

“Let’s just cruise tonight.”

(…until the alcohol kicks in. Then we’ll park in a very private place…)

When this inner maniac is particularly strong, you may be able to sense his
presence. You may have had the experience of being afraid of a man
without any apparent reason. In all probability, this was because you were
sensing that his inner maniac was unusually strong - that means
DANGEROUS. If you want to stay safe, listen to fear when it speaks to
you. Unfortunately, the most dangerous men have learned to disguise this
inner maniac. (Ted Bundy was an example of this kind of man. Remember
that this serial killer of women led an apparently normal life. He even had a
girlfriend while he was committing his crimes. Every woman should read
the story of Ted Bundy. Remember that it can happen to you. Remember
that it does happen, frequently, to women all over the world.) You should
therefore refuse to do things or go places that seriously compromise your
safety.

Remember that lesser monsters abound, and they can make your life a
waking nightmare without even coming close to killing you. I strongly
recommend that you read Maybe He’s Just A Jerk, by Carol Rosen,
published by Morrow, William and Co., 1992.

So how do you determine if the guy in your life is a jerk, a Ted Bundy, a
“lesser monster”, or a Truly Nice Guy?
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Section 2

What Kind Of Fish Is This?

1) TAKE YOUR TIME! Don’t rush to wed or bed. OVER A PERIOD OF AT
LEAST THREE MONTHS, observe how he treats other women: his sisters,
his mother, waitresses, secretaries, clerks, co-workers, etc. Does he insult
them? Does he constantly criticize them? Does he come on to other
women in your presence? Dump him. Does he deny that he was coming on
to them? Dump him fast. Things won’t get any better after he gets what he
wants from you - even if what he says he wants is marriage.

2) ASK FOR REFERENCES. Ask to see his resume. Tell him that he is
applying for the job of boyfriend/companion/lover/husband/whatever, and
that you take it seriously. A lot of jerks will drop out at this point. They will be
extremely rude and/or act hurt or insulted to cover their jerkness and, they
hope, to coerce you into becoming easy prey. The proper response is to
say, “You have just been outed by a Jerk Detector Technique. Thank God I
didn’t ____ you.” (Fill in blank as appropriate.)

If he gives you his resume, has he been continually employed over at least
the last three years? What do his jobs say about him? How long did he
stay? Why did he leave? Was he promoted? Does he whine about
unfairness at several jobs? Is he a workaholic? Does he have a career
plan? Is it realistic? What do his employees and co-workers say about
him? ASK THEM! (With his permission but not in his presence. And if you
tell them why you want to know you will be slightly more likely to get the
truth.) You have a right to know what you’re dealing with. If you don’t want
nasty surprises too late, ASK!

NOTE: many of your otherwise sensible female friends and relatives will
say, “Ohhh, you caaan’t do thaaat!” They will tell you that you will hurt his
feelings. Well, if he’s that secretive or sensitive, why would you want to
mess with this can of worms anyway? As a man, I can tell you that I would
be flattered to be taken so seriously by a woman I was attracted to. A
psychologically sound male is likely to say, “Yeah! She’s interested!
Alriiiight!” (Unfortunately, so will confident psychos.)
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3) WHAT DO HIS POSSESSIONS AND PETS SAY ABOUT HIM? And what
does he say about them? Does he continually brag about his mansion, his
twelve-cylinder Mercedes, his Olympic swimming pool? Women who have
been there will tell you - as they have told me - that there is no bank
account large enough to replace love and faithful companionship. Does he
own a Pit Bull or a Rottweiler? It is possible that he is not a very sensitive
man. Does he show little affection or concern for his pets (and/or family)? It
may be that he wants a “trophy” woman, or merely a convenient outlet for
his physical needs.

4) WHAT IS HIS FAMILY BACKGROUND? Does he come from a broken

home or a seriously broken home? Not good, kiddo. History repeats itself.
Old sins have long shadows. How does his father treat his mother? Is he
himself divorced? Get a copy of the divorce proceedings. It’s a matter of
public record. Did he go for his ex’s jugular? What was the cause of
divorce? Is there any record of his treatment of his children? Did he fail to
tell you that he had been divorced, or that he had kids? If he has children
and they are around him in your presence, do they seem to fear him? Do
they seem not to care about him? How does he treat them? How do they
treat you and what does he do about it if they are rude to you? Is he now or
has he ever been under a restraining order? This could be a serious
warning sign.

5) DOES HE HAVE A CRIMINAL RECORD? It’s a matter of public record.

Go to the criminal records division of the County Courthouse in his county
of residence. You will need to take with you a signed permission form from
him allowing the records clerk to search his name. Don’t be afraid to ask
him for this form, and tell him why you want it. If he has moved from
another county within the last four or five years, go to that county also or
pay a paralegal or attorney in that county to check for you.

6) DOES HE HAVE A CIVIL RECORD? It’s a matter of public record. Same

courthouse(s), go to the civil proceedings department, check for five years
back for civil actions filed against him. Your taxes pay for all these public
records; you might as well get some benefit from them.

Many of the courthouse clerks are women. If you don’t know how to search
the records, tell them why you are doing this and ask them to show you
how to search. Better yet, ask a paralegal or an attorney specializing in
each field to search the field for you.
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If you find that two or more suits of either/both types have been filed
against him within five years, you are very likely dealing with an
undesirable individual. Dump him clearly, definitely, and finally, BUT
POLITELY, in front of heavy-duty witnesses. (If the actions are strictly
business-related, you might want to check closer. Anyone can be sued
multiple times these days through no fault of his own.)

7) HOW GOOD IS HIS CREDIT RATING? A credit rating may be a

character rating, too.

8) WHAT KIND OF ENTERTAINMENT DOES HE ENGAGE IN? If he’s an

avid hunter and you belong to Friends of Animals, one of you may end up
hunting the other. If he likes to spend Saturday nights at topless joints or
tells you that he goes to massage parlors “but just for stress relief, honey,
honest, that’s all”, or “I’ll quit when we get married”…do you really need an
interpreter for these situations?

9) WHEN THE TWO OF YOU DISAGREE, how does he handle it? Is he

incapable of admitting error? Does he take it as a personal insult when you
disagree with him? Does he insult your intelligence? Or does he, even if
initially angry, take time to think about what you’ve said? Does he at least
sometimes say, “I think you may be right” or “I’ve never thought of it that
way before”?

10) IS HE EXTREMELY POSSESSIVE OF YOU? Does he become jealous

or angry when you spend time with your friends? (Exception: if you are
spending time with MALE friends, especially alone, he is right to be
concerned.) Does he try to isolate you from contact with anyone but
himself? Does he conduct an interrogation if you have to work late? Does
he demand proof of your innocence, express suspicion of your
explanations, or call you a liar when you explain? This may be a very
dangerous person, and certainly not one to expect a pleasant life with.

11) ALWAYS, ALWAYS, ALWAYS REMEMBER: “When words and actions

disagree, believe action.”

“Oh sweetie, I really love you. I hate myself when I hit you.” Yeah, sure.

“I’m no alcoholic, my doctor said I’m not. I’m just under a lot of stress, that’s
all.” Yeah, yeah, yeah.
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“I’m not a gambler, I just like a little excitement once in a while. So I blew
my paycheck, this is the first time and it’ll never happen again, I’ve learned
my lesson, blahblahblah…” Want to bet on it?

“It just happened, baby, I couldn’t help myself. Besides, she came on to
me. You know you’re the only one I love. It’ll never happen again, I swear it
on my mother’s grave. I hate myself. I’m just no good. I don’t deserve you.
You’re like an angel. Oh baby please forgive me I can’t live without you
boohoo sob sniffle snork…” Barf. Retch. Puke.

Remember that men are capable of seeing what they want to see in spite
of all proof to the contrary. A Dilbert cartoon shows a woman confronting
her unappealing co-worker, Wally, with the warning that he is about to do
something that will make her despise him. Wally’s response is, “Are you
saying you don’t despise me now?” The moral of this story is that if you
don’t want a relationship with an interested guy, you must be prepared to
be firm or even rude to disconnect. This is especially true if you’ve been in
a relationship with him for awhile or if he has discovered in the past that
when you say no, you mean “try harder and I’ll give in.”
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Section 3

What Kind Of Person Am I?

You should take the time to get a clear, accurate, and detailed idea of your
own skills, talents, desires, temperament, and personality traits before you
worry about what someone else is like. This is because you will be much
happier if you look for a person who values the real you, the woman who
lives inside your body. Obviously you need to know who this woman is, and
it takes some effort. If you get involved in a long-term relationship in which
you have to pretend, or in which you are ignored, insulted, ridiculed, or
dominated, I guarantee you there will come a day when suicide looks good.

I highly recommend a book titled Please Understand Me, available from

your local library’s psychology section. The two psychiatrists who wrote it
can just about read your mind. It only takes about half an hour to complete
the 70-question “test” they give you, and it’s extremely accurate. The result
of the exam is a four-letter code which tells you which temperament/
personality description in the back of the book most closely matches yours.
Each description has suggestions for careers and good matching
temperament types.

The best way I have ever seen to evaluate your talents and skills is by
using a book called The Great Niche Hunt. This exam takes at least ten
hours to complete, but it’s well worth your time. As with Please Understand
Me, it’s amazingly accurate.

Remember that some guys, even if they see that they have irretrievably lost
your interest, will continue to hassle you to “get even”. If embarrassment,
intimidation, and humiliation are all they can accomplish, these creeps will
still stalk and harass you until the Twelfth of Never unless you carefully and
thoroughly disconnect. Disconnecting from this type of loser requires care,
as there are a high percentage of nuts among them. The best advice that I
know of for dealing with this type (and avoiding them in the first place) is
found in a book called The Gift Of Fear, by Gavin Debecker. This man and
his staff advise stars and other very high-profile clients. He is the best.

I know that all this sounds negative and frightening. Remember that it’s far
better and easier to avoid trouble than to deal with it after it knows where
you live, or when your doctor has to fix the results.
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You may be thinking that it would be much safer and simpler to just avoid
men altogether. Well, that’s true, but you’d miss so much. Leaving out the
nut cases, we’re worth it. Trust me. Would I lie to you?…..

I have one final piece of serious advice: remember that God loves you. If
you are a believer in Jesus, you can ask for God’s guidance, and He’s a lot
smarter than I am. If you find yourself in an emergency situation and you’re
not a believer in Jesus, ask for help anyway. What have you got to lose?
And if you’re not in an emergency situation, now would be a good time to
ask God to show you the truth about Jesus. It’s a lot easier to think when
you’re not screaming and dialing 911.