GURU'S GRACE

(Autobiography of Mother Krishnabai)

TRANSLATED BY
Swami Ramdas



E-Book
Publishers:
ANANDASHRAM
ANANDASHRAM PO
KANHANGAD
KERALA 671531
Ph: 0467-2203036
e-mail:[email protected]
Website: www.anandashram.org

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BELOVED PAPA SWAMI RAMDAS AND PUJYA
MATAJI KRISHNABAI


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BHAGAVAD GITA IX - 22

To those who always remain absorbed in
My meditation, to those ever harmonious,
I bring full peace and security.








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PUBLISHERS' NOTE


We have great pleasure in publishing this
long-awaited autobiography of Mother
Krishnabai as translated into English by Pujya
Swami Ramdas, his last literary legacy. At the
express wish of the Mother we have left
unaltered, in many places, the typescript as left
by Pujya Papa.

ANANDASHRAM
22
nd
January 1964










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FOREWORD


This is the life-story of a simple but profound
soul, narrated by herself in her own rare and
charming manner. The reader will not fail to
observe its uniqueness in that it presents clearly
the mediaeval style and expression.

The special feature of this autobiography is
that it is addressed entirely to her "Papa" (Swami
Ramdas), and all the persons mentioned therein
are considered by her as Papa himself in those
forms.

The original is the Kannada rendering of the
life dictated by the Mother in plain Konkani to
Srimati Ganga, one of the Ashram girls, who is
proficient both in Konkani and Kannada. The
English translation is done by Swami Ramdas as
inspired by the Mother.

The book will surely prove to be of very high
value to all spiritual aspirants.

ANANDASHRAM
15th July, 1963
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CONTENTS

Publisher's Note
Foreword
1. Ecstatic Union
2. Infinite Expansion
3. Bereavement
4. Sri Siddharudha Swami & Deities
5. Sri Chandekar Maharaj
6. Who Is My Saviour?
7. I Meet Papa
8. Initiation
9. Spiritual Light
10. Persecution & Crucial Tests
11. Equal Vision
12. Serpent Bite
13. Inner Struggle & The Call
14. Mother-Love
15. Appayya Samarth
16. Coming "Home"
17. Spiritual Illumination
18. New Anandashram
19. Clash Of Opposites
20. I Am The Universe
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21. Early Life
22. My Mother & Father
23. Reminiscences
24. About Saints
25. Trials Of A Woman
26. How You Saved Me
27. Guru & Disciples
28. Self-Surrender
29. Anandashram Life
30. The Ashram Grows
31. Celebrations
32. Sadhakas & Sadhus
33. Celebrations Again
34. Ashram Service
35. Your Task
36. God Realisation - The Aim
37. Tour Of 1949
38. The World Tour
39. Likhit Japa Yajna
40. Burden Of Debts
41. Saints
42. Spiritual Perfection
43. Glossary



9
- 1 -
ECSTATIC UNION
O INFINITE Papa! Verily, I am your own
embodiment. At the desire of some devotees,
who are none other than yourself, you inspired
me to make several attempts to dictate my life-
story, incorporating in it all the events from the
beginning of my life, even before you revealed
yourself in me. But every time, after some
progress, I could not continue the work. Now
again I am taking it up.
O all-pervading Papa! In 1928 you awakened
in me a strong urge to become one with your
eternal Being, and I came to you. After passing
one year in your holy company I appealed to you
to initiate me with the Ram Mantra. All-
compassionate as you are, you gave me the most
sacred Mantra. You then advised me to stop
reading any kind of books, to give up the use of
the rosary while repeating the Mantra and to
discontinue the worship of images. Instead, you
counselled me to look upon all beings and
creatures in the world as Ram and to consider the
service rendered to any one of them as service
and worship of Ram Himself.
10
O kindness-incarnate Papa! As I went on
reciting Ram Nam, the remembrance of my
relatives came to me with added force. To get
over this hurdle, you asked me to take whatever
thought that arose in me as Ram Himself.
Whenever I thought of God as Ram I felt God was
far away from me. But when I thought of God as
Papa I felt His nearness. By this practice, after
some time, I realised that all my relatives are
yourself, and the thoughts about them as such
disappeared. Then I looked upon everybody as
you alone. I got the vision to behold you as
everyone and everything.
O Papa, the lover of devotees! During my
spiritual discipline I reflected how from my
childhood onward, you assumed various forms to
guide me on the path. I recollected how you
spoke as those persons and made me also speak.
Further, all the events of my life started crowding
into my mind vividly one after another.
O Papa, the infinite Being! Grant me the
wisdom to narrate my life in all truth and
sweetness and without any exaggeration.
O Papa, the Divine Mother! You are
omnipresent and, having become everything, you
are also transcendent. You pervade within and
without all that exists. You are above beginning
and end. You are the sole protector of all.
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O compassionate Papa! In the worlds you
reside in entirety in all beings - even in the
smallest particle. Likewise, you dwell in me in all
your perfection. Now grant me the power to
describe your magnificent glory manifest in me.
O Sadguru! As a first step to the realisation of
your omnipresent Being, even before my advent
into the world, you prepared the ground for that
supreme consummation. When the time of my
birth was approaching you caused to spread in
the small village of Haliyal, where my parents
lived, the dreadful disease - plague. As a
consequence, all the people of the village had to
flee away and take refuge in a neighbouring
jungle, at a distance of about four miles from
Haliyal. In this calamitous situation my mother
and father, who were none other than yourself,
took upon themselves, with all their heart, to
provide, as far as they could, accommodation and
other conveniences for the refugees. When
helping the sufferers they considered them as
their own. They felt that the happiness of these
people in trouble was their own happiness. When
thus my mother and father were revealing their
benign and benevolent nature, in the month of
September 1903 on Mahalaya Amavasya, the
prominent new moon day of the year, as willed
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by you, I was born in one of the huts in the
jungle.
O birthless and deathless Papa! As my
mother and father, you poured your love on me
and received in response my love in the same
measure. Through my love for my parents you
inspired me to love all their relatives on both
sides. Yet, you willed that my love should not be
confined to a narrow circle and it expanded
beyond this limit.
O Papa, the ocean of compassion! In order to
accomplish this aim, you as my father, taught me
to love the image of Dattatreya installed by him
in the Nadgar Temple founded by his forefathers.
You then expanded my love so that it might go to
all who visited the temple for worship. Moreover,
when I was about six years old you kindled in me
love for Srimat Pandurangashram Swami (the
Guru of the Chitrapur Saraswat Brahmin
community), and also the Gurus preceding him in
the line. My love then gained further expansion,
enfolding in its range all the members of my
community, and I regarded them all as my own
people.
O Papa, the embodiment of kindness! At the
age of twelve years and three months I was
married, which brought me close to all the
members of my husband's family, who were, of
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course, till then strangers to me. I developed love
for them all, particularly for my husband's
parents. I held them in high esteem and often
talked of their all round good nature. In this
manner my love vision widened extensively. You
play all the parts in this world drama and all
events happen in it only by your will.
O Papa, the lover of the humble! When I
reached the age of twenty, my husband passed
away after a brief illness, leaving me behind with
two sons, resulting in my detachment from my
relatives and also giving rise in my heart to a
growing dispassion towards the world. With a
view to preserve my chastity you turned my mind
toward you who are all and yet beyond.
O limitless Papa! Even when I was eighteen
years old, you had brought me in contact with Sri
Tammanna Sastri, a disciple of Sri Gondavali
Maharaj, and he initiated me with a Mantra.
Between the age of twenty and twenty-two I was
again initiated by Sri Siddharudha Swami, Sri
Chandekar Maharaj and Sri N.V.R. Indeed, they
are all yourself in those forms. In this way you
augmented my devotion to you by the Darshan of
these saints and I gained some peace.
O all-pervading Papa! At last, by your grace,
in June 1928, I felt an intense longing to have you
14
and you alone, and you drew me to your
presence.
O Papa, the Divine Mother! The moment I
saw you, my heart was flooded with joy. The rare
delight I then enjoyed was similar to that of a
child when it meets its mother after a long
separation.
Papa, you are indeed compassion personified.
Within only three years of this child's entry into
your divine presence, you enabled her to realise
your static, changeless and infinite Being. Just as
the feeling of "I" ness in me pervades all parts of
my physical being from head to foot and yet this
"I" is distinct from the body, so also I came to
know that I am at once the Universal
Consciousness and the transcendent Truth.







15
- 2 -
INFINITE EXPANSION
(i) Pranam (Salutation)
O KINDNESS-INCARNATE Papa! Do grant me
the power to describe comprehensively how you
made me your child and enabled me to surrender
all actions performed by my body (which is really
your own body), made up of its component sense
organs, limbs and other parts to you. Even when I
was just born in your creation, you caused me to
lay my head on Mother Earth, which meant on
your holy feet.
O kind and loving Papa! By your limitless
grace, you became both my mother and father;
and I took refuge in them, who were to me like
your two holy feet, and therefrom in all my
relatives and friends.
O compassionate Papa! As my mother and
father, you taught me to bow not only at their
feet but also at the feet of Gurus and elders. As
directed by them, I bowed also before the deities
in the shrine at home and in public temples.
My all-permeating Papa! Whenever I had the
Darshan of our community Guru, Srimat
Pandurangashram Swami, you prompted me to
16
lay my head, with all devotion and reverence, at
his holy feet.
O infinite Papa! After I got married at the age
of twelve years and three months you inspired
me to bow first before all my elders and then
before my husband and his elderly relatives.
O Sadguru! At the time of my salutation at
the feet of Srimat Pandurangashram Swami,
Srimat Anandashram Swami, Sri Tammanna Sastri
and Sri Siddharudha Swami, I bowed down with
the same reverence also at the feet of all the
devotees who came for their Darshan. Similarly, I
saluted Sri Chandekar Maharaj. In this way you
enhanced my attitude of reverence, causing it to
pervade a widening sphere.
O compassion-personified Papa! Expanding
my devotional vision thus, you at last brought me
to the place where you lived. By your Darshan my
adoration rose still higher and I felt no
satisfaction even though I placed my head on
your feet repeatedly several times. So much so,
when once my head touched your feet I did not
like to remove it from there. As I was not satisfied
by my Pranams at your feet, you told me, "Ram
pervades all animate and inanimate creation. So
cultivate respect for all beings and things alike."
By thus instructing me you absorbed me into your
17
infinite and omnipresent Being. It was only then
that I was completely satisfied.
(ii) Darshana (Vision)
My immanent and transcendent Papa! When
by your will I appeared in this world as a new-
born baby, I could not recognise you in anybody.
As my understanding grew, I looked at my
mother with affection. Therefrom my love was
extended to my father, brothers and sisters. As
advised by my parents I learned to love with
devotion the temple deities, relatives and friends.
O love-incarnate Papa! Similarly, I looked
upon with reverence my Kula Gurus Srimat
Pandurangashram Swami and the Gurus who
were his predecessors and thereafter all the
members of my community.
O compassionate Papa! With a view to
expanding my love vision you caused my
marriage to take place and made me love my
husband, his elders and other members of his
family who are all indeed yourself.
O Papa, who is all-permeating kindness! You
created in me devotion and love for Srimat
Pandurangashram Swami, Srimat Anandashram
Swami, Sri Tammanna Sastri, Sri Siddharudha
Swami and Sri Chandekar Maharaj, and also love
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for the devotees who gathered before these
saints. Verily, they are all your own
manifestations.
O Papa, the lover of the humble! At last you
brought me to your holy presence. From that day
my eyes were never tired of seeing you. The very
sight of you would cause to well up in my heart
rare joy and ecstasy. When I was not satisfied
thus, you asked me to develop the vision of
beholding all beings with love and respect since
Ram has manifested as the entire universe.
Having admonished me thus, you gave me the
experience of my oneness with your infinite
Being. Then only I became contented.
(iii) Shravana (Audition)
O omnipresent Papa! When I was yet a baby I
listened, though not knowing the meaning, to the
sounds that fell into my ears from my mother's
lips. Then, creating in my heart love for my
mother, you made me listen ardently to the
sounds uttered by her. Gradually you induced me
to listen with avidity to the talks of my father, my
relatives and friends.
My all loving Papa! You gave me the
opportunity of eagerly listening to the Veda
Mantras chanted in temples and before Srimat
Pandurangashram Swami, as also the tolling of
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temple bells and the pipe music. Likewise, I heard
with great attention the invocations and hymns
sung in praise of God. This was all due to your
unbounded grace.
O compassionate Papa! When I joined my
husband's household I longed to listen to the kind
and sweet words of my husband and other elders
in the house. In this manner you increased my
desire to hear the words of all who came in
contact with me.
O omnipresent Papa! In like manner I listened
with respect and devotion to the talks and
discourses of Srimat Anandashram Swami and
Srimat Pandurangashram Swami, and also to the
sweet words of Sri Tammanna Sastri, Sri
Siddharudha Swami and Sri Chandekar Maharaj,
while they were initiating me with Guru Mantras.
O Papa, the lover of the humble! Thus
expanding my power of listening to the voices
and words of saints, you drew me at last to your
feet. Now I was initiated by you with your Ram
Mantra. I intently listened to your voice while you
were initiating me and also to the delightful
sound of the Mantra when I was chanting it by
myself with all faith and devotion.
I heard with great eagerness your words
saturated with love. Nevertheless, I did not feel
satisfied by hearing your voice. Advising me to
20
take all the words that are uttered, as Mantras
and praises of Ram, you granted me the
realisation of your eternal Being. It was now that I
was fully satisfied.
(iv) Ghrana (Redolence)
O Papa, the giver of bliss! When I was yet a
baby, without knowing the difference between
fragrant and non fragrant things, I imbibed all
kinds of smells. Later I learnt to appreciate the
scent of sandal, incense and other fragrant
things.
O love-incarnate Papa! Likewise, I smelt with
love and devotion the sandal paste, Tulsi and
flowers offered at the feet of Srimat
Pandurangashram Swami, Sri Tammanna Sastri,
Srimat Anandashram Swami, Sri Siddharudha
Swami and Sri Chandekar Maharaj, who are verily
your own embodiments.
O infinite Papa! In this manner, having
expanded the sphere of my smelling power, you
called me to your feet. Here I smelt, O lover of
devotees, over and over again the sandal paste,
Tulsi and flowers offered at your feet, and the
Tirtha obtained by washing your feet! Yet I was
not satisfied. Then you exhorted me that
whatever I smelt was the fragrance of the
offering laid at Ram's holy feet. Thereby you
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granted me the knowledge of your immortal
existence. It was now only that I was completely
satisfied.
(v) Pana (Libation)
My infinite Papa! I grew up from a small baby
by suckling milk at my mother's breast. As I
became biggerI drank with love all kinds of
beverages, especially Panchamrita. Then I drank
with devotion the Tirtha of the feet of Srimat
Pandurangashram Swami, Srimat Anandashram
Swami, Sri Tammanna Sastri, Sri Siddharudha
Swami and Sri Chandekar Maharaj. Verily, their
feet are your own feet.
O all-pervading Papa! As I went on drinking
the Tirtha, my devotion became more and more
intense, with the consequence that you drew me
to yourself. Having been attracted to you, I was
never satiated by drinking the Tirtha of your feet.
I would take jugs after jugs of it. At last you
taught me that whatever I drank was Tirtha itself.
Thus, having absorbed me into your imperishable
Being, you totally quenched my thirst for it.
(vi) Ashana (Eating)
Beginningless and endless Papa! When I was
a child I ate tasty food, of which I relished sweets
most. I partook with faith and devotion the food
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offered to the deities in temples and also the
prasad of Srimat Pandurangashram Swami, Sri
Tammanna Sastri, Srimat Anandashram Swami,
Sri Siddharudha Swami and Sri Chandekar
Maharaj.
O kindness-incarnate Papa! Then at last by
your will I came to you and ate your prasad with
great zest and craved more and more of it
without being appeased. Seeing this you advised
me that whatever I ate was Ram's prasad. In this
way, attuning my life with your immortal
radiance, you cast off my covetousness for
prasad.
(vii) Seva (Service)
O infinite Papa! In my childhood, as my
mother, father and relatives, you gave me toys to
play with. I used my hands in the play. Then, as
instructed by them, I performed little acts of
service to them with my hands. On their advice,
my hands touched and worshipped the images of
God, and with the hands I picked flowers for
worship. After marriage I engaged my hands in
the service of my husband and his elders who
were all your manifestations.
O Papa, the lover of devotees! Similarly, my
hands were used in serving and saluting your
embodiments - Srimat Anandashram Swami,
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Srimat Pandurangashram Swami, Sri Tammanna
Sastri, Sri Siddharudha Swami and Sri Chandekar
Maharaj.
O compassionate Papa! Thus extending the
sphere of my service with my hands you brought
me at last into your presence. Here, when serving
you, you granted me unbounded joy and I was
never satisfied however much I used my hands in
your service and in saluting you. Then you
advised me that whatever work I did with my
hands should be taken as Ram's service and
worship. You took me then into your all-
pervading Being and gave me perfect satisfaction.
(viii) Asana (Seat)
O infinite Papa! When I was a small child I
rested on the earth, which is your lap, and then I
lay on the lap of my mother, father and friends
who are all yourself. Thereafter I sat with all
devotion before the deities in temples, as also in
front of Srimat Pandurangashram Swami.
O Papa, the lover of the humble! Moreover, I
sat with devotion and reverence before Srimat
Anandashram Swami. I also sat before Sri
Tammanna Sastri, Sri Siddharudha Swami, Sri N.V.
R. and Sri Chandekar Maharaj while they were
initiating me with the Guru Mantra, thereby
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causing my reverential attitude to Gurus to grow
into an ever widening circle.
O all-pervading Papa! At last, by your
unbounded grace, you drew me to your presence.
Even here, while you were giving me the Guru
Mantra, I sat before you in all humility and
respect. But I was not satisfied however long I sat
at your feet. Seeing this, you advised me that
wherever I sat I should consider that I was sitting
in the presence of Ram. Granting me this
experience you merged me into your immutable
Existence, giving me thereby complete
satisfaction.
(ix) Chalana (Movement)
O Papa, the eternal witness! in my girlhood,
when I was yet small, by your will I enjoyed
running about on my legs. Next, I walked hither
and thither for doing little acts of service for my
mother and father. Besides, for the worship of
the deity in the temple at home I moved about
picking Tulsi and flowers. I performed
Pradakshina of the temples I visited. As willed by
you I wended my way to where Srimat
Pandurangashram Swami sat, who was verily
your own Self. After I joined my husband's
household you prompted me to move about in
25
the service of my husband and his elders in the
family.
O Papa, the lover of the humble! I walked hither
and thither, in and out, to serve you in the form
of Srimat Pandurangashram Swami, Srimat
Anandashram Swami, Sri Siddharudha Swami and
Sri Chandekar Maharaj. Then, O giver of peace to
all, you directed my steps to your presence! Here,
however much I engaged myself in your service,
involving a great deal of running about here and
there, I never felt tired. I did Pradakshina of you
many times, yet I was not satisfied. In the end
you taught me that wherever I moved about it
was the Pradakshina of God, and then you
absorbed me in your eternal Being, granting me
peace and contentment.







26
- 3 -
BEREAVEMENT
O INFINITE Papa! In my twentieth year my
husband passed away, with the result that at first
for some time my mind became blank. Then my
grief became unbearable. A feeling of destitution
seized me and I was utterly miserable. Even a
year prior to my husband's decease, you willed
through my husband, that I should take a vow of
perfect chastity. After his death, the fear of any
lapse in this vow tormented me.
O gracious Papa! I had heard people saying
that if a wife died within one year of her
husband's demise, she should be considered as
having died in the lifetime of her husband.
Therefore I thought of putting an end to my life
within one year of my husband's death so that I
could fulfil this condition and keep up my vow of
chastity. As I was from the beginning afraid of
drowning or death by fire I decided upon
terminating my life by swallowing opium.
O Papa, the protector of the humble! In
Malsiras, where I lived at the time, many people
were addicted to eating opium. Without
anybody's knowledge I collected it, procuring it
from different servants for two or four annas
27
each time and that too, once in about eight or ten
days.
O all-pervading Papa! The last day of my
husband's death anniversary was fast
approaching. It so happened now that I had to
pay a visit to Pandharpur where I had often been
going on pilgrimage. This time when I was there I
stood before the deity in the temple of Vithal,
who is none other than yourself, and prayed:
"God, grant me death soon without involving
anybody in trouble on account of it."
Next I approached the image of Rukmini, who
is also yourself, and prayed: "Goddess, the
responsibility of taking care of my sons, Ganesh
and Narayan, rests with you. Further, their future
progress and prosperity in all manner of ways
depends on you only." I then returned to
Malsiras.
O compassionate Papa! I resolved to swallow
opium in the night. My habit was to sleep
between Ganesh and Narayan on the floor. That
night I did not sleep there. Instead, I placed two
pillows, covering them with a cloth where I used
to sleep and, after taking opium, laid myself
down a little away from them on the bare floor.
Prior to my doing so I wrote a letter stating that I
died by a snake- bite, and kept the note under my
pillow. Besides, I had placed the photo of Sri
28
Siddharudha Swami near the spot where I rested
my head.
O kindness-incarnate Papa! Whenever I
started any kind of work, I used to apprise it to all
the pictures of the saints and deities. As usual,
that night also I prayed in front of them. The last
of them was the picture of Samarth Ramdas.
Although the quantity of opium I had swallowed
that night was more than enough to produce the
desired result, I could not get sleep. While I was
restless for getting sleep I saw at my head
Samarth Ramdas himself walking to and fro. I was
delighted to behold him, but had the desire still in
me to die. I gazed at him by raising my head. He
was moving about for fifteen minutes.
Ganesh, who would not normally be disturbed at
night in his sleep, suddenly woke up and, calling
my mother in-law, Anasuyakka, asked, "Where
has mother gone?" The result was the instant
disappearance of Samarth Ramdas. The noise and
enquiry that ensued brought to light the fact that
I had taken opium. Now my brother-in-law, Dr.
Rama Rao, the elder brother of my husband,
administered to me an emetic and saved me from
the hands of death.


29
- 4 -
SRI SIDDHARUDHA SWAMI & DEITIES
O COMPASSIONATE Papa! Seeing the photo
of Sri Siddharudha Swami placed near my pillow,
Dr Rama Rao thought that I had developed great
faith in him and so he sent me and my three year
old child Narayan with his mother, Anasuyakka,
to the Ashram of Sri Siddharudha Swami at Hubli.
We reached the Ashram and had Darshan of the
Swami. Anasuyakka explained to the Swami all
about me and he asked me to stay there for four
months. Then Anasuyakka went to her third son's
place. During my stay in the Ashram I lost all
caste and food distinctions. I spent most of that
period blissfully like a child. However, sometimes
I would suffer pangs of grief at the thought of my
husband's demise and the consequent separation
from him. All these events were brought about by
you alone without my knowledge.
In order that I might be relieved of this grief
and attain peace, Sri Chandragiri Shiva Rao's wife,
with whom I resided in the Ashram, took me to
Sri Siddharudha Swami. While I was yet fifty feet
distant from the Swami's room I heard a voice,
"As you wish, you will obtain a Saraswat Guru and
you will realise peace." The voice was like that of
30
Sri Siddharudha Swami. Therefore I returned
from there without opening my agonised heart
before him. On the lapse of some days,
Anasuyakka came and on her initiative I
requested the Swami to initiate me, and he gave
me the five lettered Mantra: (Namah
Shivaya). A few days later, after the Shivaratri
celebrations, Anasuyakka escorted me back to Dr
Rama Rao's house at Malsiras.
In our house at Malsiras there were pictures
of Rama, Sita, Krishna, Shiva and other deities. It
was my routine to worship them with devotion
and bow before them. After my husband's
demise I had given up all religious practices out of
sorrow as well as anger. Even when I took to
these observances later it was only to satisfy my
elders in the house. I restarted them on my
return from the Math of Sri Siddharudha Swami.
For the spiritual welfare of the departed souls in
the family as also for the sake of Ganesh and
Narayan, I began reciting I,300 times a day the
thirteen-lettered Mantra and 500 times the five
lettered Mantra. At this juncture, whatever
thoughts arose in my mind, I had the feeling that
you, who are all pervading, were conversing with
me through all the pictures of deities and saints.
Now you exhorted me through these
pictures, "Recite the Mantras for your own sake."
31
I disagreed to do this and replied, I cannot
do the Japa for my sake."
The deities in the pictures reiterated, "You
ought to repeat the Mantra for your sake only."
But I did not approve of the advice and for
some days I carried on a controversy with you in
the deities. Finally, finding that I insisted upon
doing the Japa for your sake, you as deities in the
pictures consented. Thenceforward, besides
these repetitions of the Mantras for the departed
souls in the family, I also did daily Japa 15,000
times of the thirteen-lettered Mantra and offered
it to the deities in the pictures with water and
Tulsi leaves.
In this manner I continued to dedicate the
Japa daily to the deities. When I was doing this as
usual, one day, however much I tried to make the
offering to the deities with water and Tulsi, I
could not do so as my hands would not move. At
once I turned to the deities and asked: "Why have
you done this?"
Then, yourself in the deities replied, "In
future you should do the Japa only for your sake."
Opposing your injunction I said, "This is
impossible; I will never do Japa for my sake."
But you did not agree. Eventually I told you, "I will
not beg of you anything for myself. Give me
32
whatever you like." Then my hands moved and I
surrendered up the Japa to you. Thus I made over
the Japa to you until the count reached two
crores.

























33
- 5 -
SRI CHANDEKAR MAHARAJ
WHILE I was passing the days as related
above, one day you in the form of a great soul, Sri
Chandekar Maharaj, paid a visit to Malsiras
where I lived. The Maharaj was an inspiring
exponent of the scripture, Jnaneshwari, and was
granting great peace to his listeners. Dr. Rama
Rao invited the saint to our house to discourse
upon Jnaneshwari so that I might have peace of
mind. Later, when we had shifted to Sirsi, to
which place Dr. Rama Rao was transferred, he
paid us a visit there also. He related to us about a
rosary which was presented to him by his Guru.
As we were keenly interested in listening to the
details about the rosary, he told us how he got it.
In this context he narrated in brief his life-story
which runs as follows:
Sri Chandekar Maharaj in his earlier life was a
merchant. He married the daughter of his
maternal uncle who set him up in business in one
of his shops. They engaged a paid servant to look
after the shop, while they got immersed in
worldly pleasures and enjoyed travelling life as
they liked. Now the happy day arrived when
God's Grace descended on them. While they
34
were lounging comfortably in their easy chairs in
the front yard of their shop, a strange woman
appeared on the scene. She showed them a
packet of jaggery she had purchased from their
shop and complained: "Since this jaggery is not of
good quality and is costly I don't want it."
The servant, without saying a word, returned
its price to her and, taking back the jaggery, put it
in the storing tin, throwing away the paper in
which it was packed in the front yard. Observing
this the Maharaj thought: "It would have been
well if the woman were given either jaggery of
good quality or the inferior one at a lower price."
At this psychological moment, as it were, a
party of devotees passed in front of the shop on
their way to Pandharpur, singing God's Names.
The devotees were so absorbed in their devotions
that they were proceeding singing loudly and
dancing, without caring about the mockery and
criticism of the public. The Maharaj, who was
then bereft of any faith in God, was thinking
within himself, "Have these people gone crazy?
What makes them shout and behave unseemly in
the streets?"
Reflecting thus, he raised both his hands aloft
and turned them behind touching the back of the
chair. Now the piece of paper in which the
jaggery was packed for the woman who bought it
35
and which the shop assistant had flung away, had
got stuck to the top of the easy chair on which
the Maharaj sat. This piece of paper came into his
hands. He opened the crumpled paper and found
written on it a song composed by Saint Tukaram.
The purport of the song was that if anyone
repeated six crore times the divine Mantra, Ram
Krishna Hari, the person would assuredly be
blessed with the vision of God.
Instantly the Maharaj was fired with a keen
desire to test and discover how far the promise
held out by Saint Tukaram could be true. The
result was that he went to his shop that night,
spilt all the oil stored in tins on the articles kept
for sale in the shop and, setting fire to them,
returned home. When the news of the fire spread
all over the place, the Maharaj, pretending not to
know anything about it, came on the scene and
expressed astonishment. That night itself,
removing the gold bangles from his wife's hands
while she was asleep, and taking with him also
the book, Jnaneshwari, the Maharaj left the
house.
Travelling over many places he at last
reached Rishikesh in the Himalayas. There he
passed his days in reading the Jnaneshwari and
doing the Japa of Ram Krishna Hari. Many
Mahatmas lived in the Himalayas. Among them
36
one Mahatma used to come to the Maharaj and
discourse with him on spiritual matters. But the
Maharaj evinced no interest in his talks. So,
whenever the Mahatma started speaking, the
Maharaj would close his ears with both hands
and tell him, I don't need your teaching; I don't
believe in what you say. I believe only in what I
have gained by experience." Yet the Mahatma
would visit him daily without fail. Thus one year
passed.
The Maharaj now wished to go back to his
native place. On the day prior to his departure
from Rishikesh, the Mahatma who was coming to
the Maharaj daily, forcibly put around the neck of
the Maharaj the rosary which he was using and,
embracing him tight, whispered into his ears a
Mantra. As the Maharaj was struggling to free
himself from the clutches of the Mahatma, he
could not make out or remember the Mantra
poured into his ears. So he did not do the Japa of
the Mantra at all, whereas he took great care of
the rosary given to him. In due course the
Maharaj returned to his native town.
Here the Maharaj's wife, owing to the pangs
of separation from her husband, was bedridden
with illness. On hearing of her husband's arrival
she instantly sent a letter to him in which she
wrote that as she was soon to die, she looked
37
forward very anxiously for his Darshan. In reply,
the Maharaj informed her that he had vowed to
finish a fixed number of Japa of Ram Krishna Hari,
and if he met her before the completion of the
Japa, he would have to start it all over again. He
asked her what her answer to this was.
His wife, his true life-partner as she was, sent
word to him: I have, however, to depart this life,
so there is no need to break your vow for my
sake." Thus she did not go counter to her
husband's will and calmly passed away after the
Maharaj regained the Himalayas.
By the time Sri Chandekar Maharaj returned
to the Himalayas, the Mahatma who had initiated
him with the Mantra had renounced his body.
Consequently he now developed a greater
reverence for the rosary presented to him by the
Mahatma. Thenceforth the Maharaj considered
him as his Guru and, placing the rosary given by
the Mahatma in front of him, he would do the
Japa with his own rosary.
In due course, the Maharaj paid a visit to
Benares. There he went for the Darshan of Kashi
Vishwanath and, placing the rosary given by his
Guru on Shiva's Murti, he performed his usual
Japa. On finishing the Japa he left the place,
forgetting to take the rosary with which he had
adorned the Shiva Linga. Having reached his
38
quarters he remembered the rosary and was
greatly upset. He became all the more anxious
when he thought that it would be difficult to
recover it since the daily worshippers would have
adorned the Shiva Linga with bilva leaves and
flowers. The Maharaj therefore felt that he was
like a beggar by losing such an invaluable jewel.
Immediately he ran to the temple of Vishwanath
and searched for the missing rosary but, not
finding it anywhere in spite of a long search, he
was stricken with despair. However, he
discovered it at last at the side of Shiva's Murti.
His joy knew no bounds. Till then the Maharaj
had been under the impression that he had no
love for his Guru, but when he saw how deeply
he was affected by the loss of the rosary given by
him, it was proved that after all he had genuine
love for his Guru.
O all-pervading Papa! On hearing the story of
Sri Chandekar Maharaj's life a desire sprang up in
me to have that Japa mala. I made him aware of
this through Anasuyakka, but at that time the
rosary was not with him. He assured me that it
would be given to me when I met him at Paithan
where he would go for the Ekanath Shashti. I
went to Paithan with Anasuyakka and thence we
proceeded to a place called Nevas.
39
O gracious Papa! At Nevas there stands a
granite pillar on which Saint Jnaneshwar wrote
with charcoal his famous commentary on the
Bhagavad Gita - the Jnaneshwari. His disciples
who were with him would copy out the script
from the pillar, chapter after chapter, as
Jnaneshwar Maharaj went on writing. The last
chapter the saint wrote on the pillar was carved
on it and it is still there. When I went there with
Anasuyakka we met the Maharaj who handed
over to me the rosary which his Guru had given
him.
O infinite Papa! Sri Chandekar Maharaj did
not initiate anyone with a Mantra. Those who
wished for initiation took the Mantra while he
was singing it during his discourses on the
Jnaneshwari. In this way I got the Mantra Ram
Krishna Hari from him and, as willed by you, I
began reading the Jnaneshwari and Ekanath
Bhagavat. I performed the Japa of the Mantra
with the rosary after a bath for the welfare of all
the members of my family and for the
preservation of my physical purity. At other times
I would wear the rosary around my neck.
O kindness-incarnate Papa! Although I received
Mantras severally from Sri Tammanna Sastri, Sri
Siddharudha Swami and Sri Chandekar Maharaj,
every time I was newly initiated you gave me the
40
belief that all Gurus are one and the same. When
I did not have this faith I prayed to the earlier
Gurus to grant me this faith and attitude. In the
end this conviction became firmly fixed. It was
only then that I would ask for and receive the
Mantra from other saints.












41
- 6 -
WHO IS MY SAVIOUR?
O PAPA, the Divine Mother! In Sirsi where I
lived in the house of Dr. Rama Rao, there was a
devotee who had received initiation from Srimat
Pandurangashram Swami. His name in initials was
Sri N.V. R. He was a married man and lived the
life of a householder as commanded by his Guru.
He was held in high reverence by all the people in
Sirsi. Being acquainted with us he was coming to
our house now and then. Once, Anasuyakka
requested him to initiate her with the Guru
Mantra in the same way as Srimat
Pandurangashram Swami had initiated him. He
agreed and a day was fixed for the rite.
When the appointed day arrived, Anasuyakka
arranged two seats in the shrine-room - one for
him and the other for herself - and awaited his
coming. As I wished to be present at the
initiation, with their permission I stood in the
room. In fact, I had for a long time a very keen
longing to be initiated by both Srimat
Pandurangashram Swami and Srimat
Anandashram Swami. In fulfilment of this ardent
desire, Sri N.V.R., when he came into the room,
asked Anasuyakka if he could initiate me instead
42
of her, as he noticed that I had more
concentration than her. On Anasuyakka agreeing,
I was asked to sit on the asan prepared for her.
Now Sri N.V. R. explained to me in detail about
the initiation of Ajapa Japa he had from the
Swami of Chitrapur Math and then initiated me.
O compassionate Papa! Since you are Sri
N.V.R. playing as a householder, I feared that I
might be caught up in worldly life. So in a day or
two I abandoned the repetition of this new
Mantra.
O all-pervading Papa! It so happened that
Ganesh fell down twice and broke his wrist.
Thinking that this might be due to the evil
influence of planets, Anasuyakka went to an old
priest of a nearby temple of Subramanya, taking
with her the book containing all the horoscopes
of the family with a view of getting Ganesh's
horoscope examined by him. He said it was all
due to a malefic planet in his horoscope.
O Papa, the storehouse of compassion! It was
my custom during the period of every Ram
Navami festival, which lasted for seven days, to
read the Tulsidas Ramayana, Bhavartha
Ramayana or Ananda Ramayana. In the midst of
reading these sacred books I would open at
random the book I was reading and, after a
prayer to God, look into it to find out the good
43
and bad in store for me in my future life. To my
painful surprise I would every time light upon the
passages in the Ramayana describing the forcible
kidnapping of Sita by Ravana, and how the
demonesses who guarded her would frighten her,
and lastly, how Hanuman reached Lanka and
stood before Sita. I was afraid that such an
incident might happen in my future life. So with
curiosity to find out what my horoscope
predicted in this matter, I went to the temple
priest when he was alone. I made him aware of
my fears and asked him to keep the matter
confidential. He agreed to read my horoscope
when I went to him the next day.
On the night I returned from the priest I had
a dream in which I saw a serpent pursuing me
with its hood raised. Thoroughly terrified, I
started running away from it, but wherever I
went I found the serpent close at my heels. At
last I climbed the compound wall and jumped
down on the other side of it. Instantly I awoke
from the dream. Although this was a mere
dream, after waking I felt pain all over the body.
Filled with fear, the very next day I went in great
haste to the priest and recounted to him my
dream in all its details. I anxiously asked him what
the consequences of the dream would be. I also
asked him to read my horoscope and tell me
44
what it predicted about my future. In response,
he at first said: "Even if we desire to have such
dreams we don't get them. The serpent that you
saw is none other than Subramanya who is
worshipped in the temple, and he has favoured
you with his Darshan."
Then he scrutinised my horoscope and
declared that it would be extremely difficult for
me to preserve my chastity. The moment I heard
these words I felt as if lightning coursed through
my body. The priest could not say how I would be
able to escape this danger. I questioned him if it
was not possible to avoid this perilous
contingency by the Japa of all the Mantras I had
received from the four saints (whom I looked
upon as one Guru), and by performing their
service. His answer spelt nothing but despair.
Seeing no way to protect my physical purity I
gave up all hope.
O kindness-incarnate Papa! Understanding
the agony of my heart the priest, who is yourself,
gave me assurance in these words: "If you obtain
a Guru who is a Jeevanmukta and who will lift you
up to his own exalted state you shall triumph
over this impending fate."
But who is such a Jeevanmukta Guru? What are
his characteristics? Where can I find him? These
questions racked my mind one upon another. I
45
mentally addressed the Gurus who had
previously initiated me: "Believing you all to be
Jeevanmuktas I sought initiation from you. If, as
the priest says, you are not ordained to save me
from this peril and grant me the supreme
liberation, please do search out for me a befitting
Guru and confer on me also the firm conviction
that all of you saints are one and the same in
different forms." In this manner I prayed to you in
all humility day and night with tears in my eyes.










46
- 7 -
I MEET PAPA
O OMNIPRESENT Papa! In response to my
humble appeal, you paved the way for my coming
to Kasaragod. You induced Dr. Rama Rao to
decide upon a trip to foreign countries for higher
studies and practice of surgery. Dr. Rama Rao and
his wife Sundari loved me and took care of me so
well that my children and I were to them like
their own children. Their aim was to make me
ever happy. As the doctor planned to leave India
for Europe he left his house at Sirsi. Both the
doctor and Sundari told me that in the
circumstances I could go to reside in any place I
chose. I expressed my wish to stay with Sundari
at her father's house in Kasaragod. They agreed
and in their company I came to Kasaragod on 7th
June, 1928.
O infinite Papa! The people at Sundari's
parental home were frequently visiting your
Ashram which was opened on 3rd June, 1928.
From the time they saw you, one and all of them
in the house were talking highly of your spiritual
attainments and qualities. This they did with
great affection and enthusiasm. As Dr. Rama Rao
was a constant reader of Jnaneshwari, he knew to
47
some extent the principal qualities of a saint.
Whenever he was told by his mother about any
saint she had met, he would plainly say that the
saint did not possess the signs described in the
Jnaneshwari. But after seeing you, he said that he
discovered in you all the characteristics of a saint
as described in the Jnaneshwari. When I heard so
much in your praise I desired to have your
Darshan. Moreover, Sundari was pressing me
daily to accompany her to the Ashram. Since my
feeling to see you grew more and more in
intensity as time passed, a hazy notion developed
in me that if I once went out of the house I might
not return to it. So I hesitated to pay you a visit.
At last, with a view only to see you and come
back, I started to proceed to your Ashram
escorted by the people of the house in which I
lived.
O mother Papa! As I neared your Ashram I
experienced a rare and inexpressible joy, similar
to what a child would feel when it was about to
meet its mother after a long period of separation.
Thenceforward, I began visiting the Ashram for
your Darshan daily in the company of friends.
O all-pervading Papa! The sublimity of your
presence was simply indescribable. The moment I
saw you, the passions that were vexing me
disappeared and bliss established itself in my
48
heart. At home I was never content however long
I talked about you to the people therein. I was
feeling a peculiar joy in relating your talks to all I
met. Your very remembrance made my hair stand
on end and my joy overflow.
O Papa, who is full of compassion! On the
lapse of about a year in this manner, the occasion
arrived for us to go to Dharwar to attend the
marriage of Anasuyakka's younger brother's
daughter. There I had Darshan once more of Sri
Chandekar Maharaj. When Anasuyakka met the
Maharaj in the past he had told her that as there
was in me excessive Tamas it would not be
possible for me to realise God. In those days I
hesitated to converse with him, but this time I
talked to him familiarly about you. Seeing this he
remarked in a tone of surprise, "Who is that
Swami Ramdas who has raised you to Sattwa!
and brought about such a marvellous change in
you. He seems indeed to be an extraordinary
personage. Some day I must also have his
Darshan."
O kindness-incarnate Papa! From Dharwar I went
to Hubli for the Darshan of Sri Siddharudha
Swami who was laid up with illness. On return to
Dharwar my condition was like that of a hungry
child crying for its mother. The separation from
you for some time created in me a keen longing
49
to see you again. However, without much delay,
you brought me back to Kasaragod. When I
joined your presence on this occasion, I engaged
myself in Your service with a greater zeal than
before. Soon after, I completed two crores of my
Japa.












50
- 8 -
INITIATION
O PURUSHOTTAMA Papa! From childhood I
had cherished great love for God. I very much
liked to stand before the pictures of God in my
home for singing to them praises and invocations.
I would fix my eyes on those pictures and get so
absorbed that I used to forget everything, even
my kith and kin and surroundings.
O compassionate Papa! It was my practice to
join my hands in salute before the pictures of
God. Whenever I passed the door of the family
shrine I would not fail to salute the deity inside it.
Whenever I went out, on seeing stones on the
roadside on which Kumkum was applied, I would
offer salutations to them. Noticing this people
would laugh at me.
O love-incarnate Papa! When I stood before
the pictures of God I would talk to them.
Sometimes, even though I was not in front of
them, I would converse with them, visualising
them face to face.
O Papa, the Divine Mother! I took delight in
touching the pictures of God, but I was not
allowed to touch the images, which were bathed
51
and worshipped daily, except on the special
occasions.
The daily worship of the images in the home
shrine was performed by a Saraswat priest
appointed for the task. On festival days we
children were permitted to worship the images.
On such occasions I would experience untold joy
in touching, worshipping and saluting them with
all faith. All this was done only after first purifying
myself by ablutions and bath.
O Papa, who is beginningless and endless!
From my childhood you made me possess a
reverential feeling for God. It was my habit to
apply Kumkum to the pictures of God in our
home every day. It was not possible to apply
Kumkum simultaneously to all the pictures. So
when I was about to apply Kumkum to any one
picture, the other pictures would ask me, Why
don't you apply Kumkum to me first?'' Therefore,
I used to apply Kumkum to one of the pictures,
telling the others, I will apply kumkum to you
first tomorrow. Sometimes I would forget to
which of the pictures I had applied Kumkum first
the previous day; then I would say to all the
pictures. I do not remember to which picture I
applied Kumkum first yesterday. Therefore, none
amongst you should get annoyed with me." And
then I would apply the Kumkum.
52
O Papa who is all and beyond all! As I
outgrew my childllood, you infused into me the
desire to learn by heart hymns glorifying God.
When I was yet five or six years old, you induced
me to wish for initiation of Guru Mantra from the
traditional Guru, Srimat Pandurangashram
Swami. The Swami was giving the Mantra only to
married couples. The Swami who was none other
than yourself, was therefore not in a position to
initiate me as I was then unmarried and hence my
wish remained unfulfilled.
O all-pervading Papa! After marriage I
wanted to receive the Mantra from Srimat
Anandashram Swami disciple of Srimat
Pandurangashram Swami But my husband, as you
willed, prevented me from satisfying this longing
of mine. Yet my aspiration to be initiated with the
Mantra grew stronger as time passed. At last, in
my eighteenth year at Hubli, I took from Sri
Tammanna Sastri, a disciple of Gondavali
Maharaj, initiation of the thirteen lettered
Mantra: (Sri Ram
Jai Ram Jai Jai Ram). He instructed me to repeat
this Mantra at least I,300 times a day. He further
said that if this was not possible I should turn the
rosary once a day with the repetition of the
Mantra. By your grace I did the Japa of this
53
Mantra the required number of times without
fail.
O Papa, the giver of bliss! Thus infusing into
my mind the spirit of love and devotion to God,
you guided me to yourself and, initiating me with
the holy Ram Mantra, "Om Sri Ram Jai Ram Jai Jai
Ram," set me to repeat it day and night.
Moreover, you asked me to consider all thoughts
that arose in my mind and whomsoever I beheld
as Ram Himself.
O Papa, the repository of compassion! While
in this way I was practising that you were all-in-
all, I came to realise that you were ever near me
and that you were ever dwelling in my heart. The
feeling of your nearness filled me with infinite
love for you, resulting in my merging into your
limitless Being, thereby awakening me to the
knowledge that you and I are one.
O Papa, the lover of the humble! You
explained to me how to offer to you all the
actions performed by the limbs of my body and
the senses. You thereby made me realise my
oneness with all aspects of your eternal Being. Do
make me write clearly about my integral
surrender to you from my childhood - my body,
mind and all that I possessed - and also how you
instilled in me the qualities of renunciation,
compassion, forgiveness and peace.
54
O Papa, the ocean of kindness! In my
childhood I loved my mother and father without
recognising them. When I grew up I learnt to love
them, knowing who they were. The love I bore
for my parents led me to love my brothers and
sisters. This love for parents, brothers and sisters
prepared me to sacrifice my all for them. Though
sometimes I got angry with my brothers and
sisters, you made me treat them with
compassion, kindness, forgiveness and affection
because of my love for them.
When I was at school for my education I used
to be there both physically and mentally by
lessening, for the time being, my attachment to
relatives at home. After marriage, making my
love for my husband a basis, I loved his parents
and relatives. Then I withdrew my love from my
parents and erstwhile relatives and tried to love
my husband and his people with all my heart,
ever ready to sacrifice my all for them.
At the age of twenty-five you awakened in
my heart an intense longing for a Guru and you
brought me to where you lived. Accepting you as
my central object of adoration, I learnt to love
the entire universe. I was prepared to extend my
love towards all beings and treat them with
kindness, patience and forgiveness. As my vision
expanded I came to love all people and creatures
55
in the world, and my attachment for my husband
and other members of his family disappeared.
Later, when I renounced my attachment to all my
kith and kin, by your will, I dedicated my body,
mind, and all that I called my own to you, who is
all and beyond all. Ultimately you made me
renounce myself, your form and the entire
cosmos and I became one with the eternal Truth
beyond name, form and movement. This spiritual
summit I reached through your infinite grace.
My infinite Papa! You brought about all these
changes in my inner being whilst all my external
limbs and aspects remained as before. In order
that I might realise your real existence, that is the
Self, you blessed me from my childhood with the
urge to dedicate to you my entire body, mind and
possessions, and you also illumined my heart with
love, compassion and forgiveness. You have, no
doubt, gifted all beings in creation with this
nature and capability - principally human beings
in a larger measure. Nevertheless, for the smooth
running of your creative activities in the world,
the majority of human beings, instead of using
these divine faculties for realising your supreme
and eternal existence, are busy in employing
them for attaining transitory happiness. This is
undoubtedly your own doing. Because of this,
many have not achieved permanent peace and
56
bliss. For experiencing this exalted state, it is
essential to know you in reality. So I pray to you,
who are Purushottama, to condescend to shower
your grace on all beings so that an intense
aspiration springs in their hearts for their
absorption into your imperishable life and
existence, finally granting them the realisation of
everlasting peace and bliss.





















57
- 9 -
SPIRITUAL LIGHT
O PAPA, giver of bliss! One day you asked me
to sing devotional songs. But I did not know how
to sing. So you yourself taught me to sing some
inspiring songs. The songs you taught me are:

O Ram, you are my master. By feeding my
five vital airs, you protected me in my mother's
womb.
When I came out of it, you provided me with
milk in my mother's breasts.
While this is the case, why should I worry
about food for my stomach?
Madhva Munishwar Swami Ramapati says: O
God, I surrender my I ness to you."
58

Blessed indeed is he on this earth who dances
in God intoxication and sings always, "Rama
Krishna Vasudeva".
To him, joy and grief are the same and he
pours compassion on all living beings.
He is an embodiment of wisdom, an ocean of
devotion and love.
He is free from sense desires and has no
distinction between "I" and "others".
He is ever contented, being firmly aware of
his pervasiveness.
59
He has thrown far away the burden of
knowledge and ignorance; all the while he lives
and moves in the world.
Janardan Eka says: "Such a one sings always
of God.
While sitting or lying down, his mind is always
filled with God-remembrance."

Without a Guru you have no relief, so in the
first place hold on to his feet.
Then he will at once make you like himself for
which he won't take any time.
The simile of the philosophers stone and iron
does not apply here.
60
The power of the Sadguru is truly
unfathomable.
Tukaram says: "How blind people are! They
have forgotten the true God."

O my brother! Have in your eyes the
collyrium of Guru's Grace.
Then you will know none but Rama.
Inside Rama, outside Rama, wherever you
turn there you see Rama.
In waking you see Rama, in sleep you see
Rama, also in dream you behold Raja Rama.
61
Kabir says: "Listen, O brother Sadhu! Obtain
this sublime vision. Then you will behold Rama
wherever your eyes turn. "
O compassionate Papa! After you had taught
me these songs I learnt many others. When asked
to sing I would do so thereafter without any
hesitation.
O infinite Papa! It was my nature to weep
whenever I was pained at heart and to beat my
children severely if they turned naughty and did
not obey me. Anasuyakka's sister, being unable to
put up with this behaviour of mine, complained
to you about it.
O compassionate Papa! You then advised me
in these words, If you have real love for Ramdas,
you should not beat your children in future. Know
this, when you beat them you are really beating
Ramdas himself."
You further instructed me: "From now
onwards, give up reading the scriptures, Ekanath
Bhagavat and Jnaneshwari. Stop your daily
worship and also the use of the rosary for Japa.
These religious practices are gone through with
the object of loving all beings and creatures alike.
In spite of your observing this routine, you are
not able to control and give up anger. Then what
62
is the use of it all? Therefore, in future keep only
Ram Nam on your tongue and regard everybody
as Ram and the service you render to anybody as
the service and worship of Ram."
O Papa, the lover of devotees! From the day
you gave me the advice, my mind became light
and I got some peace, but since I had not
completed my stipulated Japa with the rosary for
the sake of the children and the departed souls,
and since the great desire for reading scriptures
was still there, my mind used to be now and
again drawn towards them. I wished at least to
touch the religious books and salute them.
However, by a stern control of mind I tried to
escape from their hold on me.
O omnipresent Papa! Finding out the workings of
my mind, one day you told a devotee, "Without
oneself having attained liberation if one strives to
liberate others, it will be like a blind man offering
to guide another blind man, with the
consequence that both of them fall into the pit."
Though the advice was intended for others, it
deeply affected me and I curbed my thoughts
from rushing towards the scriptures and Japa for
the sake of my children and departed souls. At
last I was able to root out my attraction for them.

63
- 10 -
PERSECUTION & CRUCIAL TESTS
O PAPA, the protector of your devotees!
During this period, Srimat Anandashram Swami
one day happened to come to Kasaragod. Getting
the information of the Swami's arrival, you came
to Kasaragod in the form of G.S. along with a
companion.
O Papa, the lover of the humble! When Dr.
Rama Rao was living in Sirsi, G.S. had visited his
house for the eye operation of his mother. Since
G.S. was acquainted with Dr. Rama Rao and
Sundari he was put up with them in Kasaragod on
this occasion as well. He was posing not only as a
devotee of Gandhiji but also of Srimat
Anandashram Swami. He told us that he was
following the Swami wherever he went. When
the Swami visited Sirsi he was there also.
O compassionate Papa! It was not the custom
for the Swami to give Tirtha to widows. So we
four or five widows were very unhappy on this
account. But G. S. somehow managed to get us
the Tirtha from the Swami's hand. Therefore, all
of us held G.S. in high reverence. He was telling
us often many incidents relating to the greatness
64
of the Swami. To listen to these talks I used to
join the others of the house.
O love-incarnate Papa! This was all your way
to test me. I found out that G.S. was after all a
wolf in sheep's skin. As days passed, he started to
persecute me, going even to the extent of
exerting force on me in the house. By this I was
not only extremely pained but was also seized
with the fear of how I could safeguard my
chastity.
O universal Papa! I had believed till then that
I could preserve my chastity by living at home,
but after what happened as related above, I gave
up the notion, "The house is mine". Since you
were mine, I considered the entire universe as
mine. Should you intend to ruin me through any
form you assumed I would not mind, even if it
occurred when I was cast into the streets. When I
made up my mind like this, G. S. could no longer
trouble me. So my blind confidence that a woman
living at home could protect her virtue and
chastity received a rude shock and was so totally
shattered that my confidence was pulled out, as
it were, with its very roots.
O kind-hearted Papa! Then I began to visit
your Ashram whenever I liked. Having come to
know of this, either Sundari or Rame used to send
with me some eatables for you. Once it so
65
happened that I could not get any eatables to
take with me. Since I did not want to go to you
empty-handed, I bought a loaf of bread from a
shop and took it with me. Sundari, who came to
know of it, paid the price of the loaf to the
shopkeeper.
O Papa, the Divine Mother! Once Sundari had
no money. So I opened a credit account in a shop
and bought bread from there. The shopkeeper
was daily asking for his money whenever I passed
by his shop. Since I had no money to pay him I
tried to remove from my hands the gold bangles
which I was wearing, but as it was not possible to
remove them easily I pulled them out by beating
them loose. I offered them to the shopkeeper in
payment of the dues. Then he cast his looks
around him and, discovering a man watching
what I was doing, refused to accept the bangles.
Coming home I handed the bangles over to
Sundari. Sundari, procuring from somebody the
needed amount, gave it to me and I paid off the
debt.
O loving Papa! Once when I was in the
Ashram I saw a helpless woman wearing a
tattered piece of cloth for lack of a sari. She asked
me in all humility for a sari. How could I obtain a
sari there? Since I did not need a sari of eighteen
cubits which I was then wearing, I went beneath a
66
tree and, tearing it into two pieces, gave one to
the woman. When I returned home Sundari
questioned me as to why my sari had become
short in length. I explained to her the reason and
she immediately bought a new one and gave it to
me. I wore this sari of eighteen cubits only for a
few days. Another woman again begged of me for
a sari and in this case as well I divided mine into
two parts and gave one piece to the woman. As
usual, when I returned home Sundari noticed
again that I wore only a cut piece of sari. She then
asked me if I needed, any more, a sari of eighteen
cubits. I replied that if I had a sari of that length I
would not be able to resist giving a piece of it to
any other needy woman. Thenceforward I have
been using only saris eleven cubits long.
O compassionate Papa! With the object of
making me your own in all respects, you tested
me in various ways, ending with a crucial test as
to how far I had any attachment for garments
and gold. Your Lila is wonderful!
O Papa, the lover of the devotees! Sometimes
while I was proceeding to you in the Ashram I
would return home half-way, remembering
Ganesh, Narayan, Sundari and her children; then,
when I again thought of you I would restart and
proceed towards the Ashram. In this way I would
retrace my steps every second furlong and then
67
go forward. Noticing me doing this people came
to believe that I had gone off my head. Hearing
this state of things about me, Anasuyakka came
in great haste and tendered advice to me in all
possible ways. Truly, Papa, you did not turn me
mad after the transitory worldly pleasures but
kept alive in me the insistent longing for eternal
happiness. Anasuyakka warned me that I should
not go alone to the Ashram, stressing the point
that this advice came to me from Ram Himself, as
the fact is that everyone is Ram. Thenceforth, I
was not going to the Ashram without a
companion.
















68
- 11 -
EQUAL VISION
O PAPA, the ocean of kindness! When your
devotees invited me to talk about you, I went to
their homes and joined them also in their
domestic work, considering it as your service in
order to accelerate my spiritual progress. There I
used to talk about you and Ram Nam.
Among the homes I visited, the principal one
was that of Rame. Rame had an extraordinary
faith in Ram Nam and she was repeating it almost
all day and night without caring even for her
meals. When I observed her condition at that
time I was reminded how you were, as related by
you, during the first year of your Sadhana. So
whenever I met Rame I used to feel as happy as
when I was with you. I was not at ease unless I
went to her home daily and recounted to her
your talks in the Ashram. Rame's mother,
Rukmabai, and mother-in-law, Lakshmi Devi, had
great love for me. I was to them like their child. If
Rukmabai fell ill she would like me alone to nurse
her. Despite my engagement almost the whole
day in your service and also of your other forms,
all the while I was engrossed in talking about you
alone. Yet my standing fear was not allayed.
69
Consequently my desire to receive initiation of
Ram Nam from you grew more and more
powerful.
One day I came to you while you were
preparing yourself for a rest in the forenoon. You
saw me come to you in the hot sun when there
was nobody else in the Ashram. You asked me,
"Why have you come now?" On apprising you of
my object you immediately initiated me with the
holy Mantra: "Om Sri Ram Jai Ram Jai Jai Ram."
O compassionate Papa! Accepting me as your
child, you advised me in these words, "Repeat
Ram Nam always and consider the service you do
of anybody as the service and worship of Ram.
This practice will easily enable you to realise your
oneness with the Universal Being, Ram."
O infinite Papa! After you initiated me with
the Mantra, my love for your relatives grew more
than before, so much so that my longing to see
and serve them increased. Besides, within a short
time of getting the Mantra, the feeling arose in
me that you were my own. As my love for you
enhanced, I began to look upon all beings as my
own. Ultimately I came to love all people in the
same way as I loved your relatives.
O all-pervading Papa! Whenever I visited the
homes of certain devotees to converse with them
about you, if I found any fault in the persons I
70
met there, I would mentally pray to them, looking
upon them as yourself, to be gracious enough not
to make me pick faults in them any more. I would
also, in the case of women, when I noticed
defects, go to them when asleep and take the
dust of their feet and pray to them to prevent me
from seeing shortcomings in them. In the case of
men, I would drink as Tirtha the water that
dripped down on the floor from their legs when
they came out of the bathroom to go into the
house. This I used to do without their knowledge.
If I found this was not possible I would drink as
Tirtha the water flowing out of the gutter at the
back of the bathroom while they were having a
bath. At the same time I prayed to them not to
make me see faults in them again. By this practice
I arrived at a state in which I could not see any
fault in anybody.
O omnipresent Papa! When anyone out of
love for me made me speak, I feared I would be
led away by my admiration for them and thereby
cause delay in my realisation of your
imperishable Being. I was praying from moment
to moment to you that you should not permit this
to happen.
O all-pervading Papa! I was in the habit of
repeatedly praying that by your grace I should
not have disgust for your harsh and fearful forms
71
and attachment to your gentle and pleasing
forms, and that you should soon dissolve me into
your absolute Being.
O compassionate Papa! In response to my
prayer you granted me the feeling that you were
my own and all were my own, and also the
experience that you were near me, however far
you might be. Hence, when you went on the
North Indian tour, my pain of separation from
you was very much lessened.
O all-transcendent Papa! Although I was
absorbed in your service while you were talking
to your devotees, I could listen to all that you
said. What you told your devotees used to
revolve in my mind and dispel the doubts that
harassed me from time to time. At times you
were explaining at length all the states you
passed through before you finally merged in the
eternal Being of Godhead. Now I would listen to
your discourses intently and reflect within myself
as to what states I had passed through so far,
what my state then was and what were the states
I had yet to pass through. I then prayed that I
should soon get through the states which I had
not till then attained.
O universally-immanent Papa! You spoke
further to the devotees, "If you think of your past
state, your mind would remain behind and so
72
progress onward would be impossible. Therefore
give up all thoughts of the past and push
forward."
O Papa, the lover of devotees! Sometimes
when I was repeating Ram Nam I would
remember my relatives. I used to be agitated at
heart on such occasions. Then you would tell me,
"Since all are manifestations of Ram, don't be
upset when you remember your relatives. Take
them as Ram Himself."
You also told me to bring into my mind what I
did from morn till eve, with whom I talked and
what thoughts arose in my mind. Then, if
anybody asked me a question I would tell him all
that happened from morning till that time. At
this, people used to get tired of me and would
not talk to me at all. Thereafter I did not go into
the past and so it became easy for me to take my
mind forward until it was lost in you.
O Papa, the lover of the humble! You spoke,
"When the aspiration is strong in your mind for
getting realisation, that is the time to make an all
round effort for it. If that opportunity is not
availed of, you will never be sure of attaining Him
in this life, however hard you may try." So my
desire became extremely strong to realise my
oneness with the infinite Being as soon as
possible.
73
- 12 -
SERPENT BITE
O PAPA, the ocean of grace! While my
aspiration to realise you became exceedingly
strong, your loving devotees living in the North,
with a view to drawing you to their places,
repeated Ram Nam in an inordinately increased
number. You could not resist their call any longer.
So you resolved to travel to the North. Before
doing so, you thought to take permission from
your Gurudev first. Hearing of this, Rame and I
suffered from the pain of separation in
anticipation of the visit. Out of grief we used to
beg of you not to go away from Kasaragod to the
North. At this time you would discourse for hours
upon the impersonal aspect of God. As against it
we used to sing before you:

I don't want Brahma Jnana, the knowledge of
the Atman. May I be your devotee and you my
God!
O Papa, the Mother Divine! I desired to spend
the night in the Ashram on the day you went to
74
Gurudev for seeking his permission. Coming to
know of your intended departure to the North,
Rukmabai came to the Ashram. Whenever she
visited the Ashram, she would not go back the
same day but spend the night in the Ashram, as it
was difficult for her to climb the hill on return,
owing to her acute asthmatic trouble. I asked her
if I also could stay in the Ashram that night. She
did not agree to my proposal. But I did not at all
like to leave the Ashram on that day. Moreover, I
was keenly anxious to know what you had
decided about your tour after meeting Gurudev.
Therefore, when I started for home my legs
refused to move forward. I sat, without being
observed, in a place on the way by which you
usually returned, so that I might hear your talk
about the tour. After a few hours I saw you
coming down the hill, talking happily with the
friends accompanying you about the permission
granted by Gurudev and of your approaching
journey.
O Papa, the ocean of grace! Hearing your talk
I became miserable and spoke within myself, "It is
definite that you are leaving us. Since I have not
yet attained the fullness of spiritual life, I wish
strongly that I should rather meet with death. At
least, you should come to me as a serpent and by
75
biting me free me from the impending pain of
separation."
After you had reached the Ashram I also
proceeded towards it. At this juncture, I felt
something strike my feet but without noticing it I
walked on.
It was a serpent bite. As the poison of the
serpent spread upward on my leg, I found it
getting heavier as I moved on. Even then, without
caring, I dragged myself along with the swollen
leg and descended the hill halfway. From there I
could very well see the Ashram. In the meantime
dark clouds gathered in the sky and the rain
started, which completely drenched me.
I had come to know from some people that
the poison of a serpent bite does not rise up in
the body when a stream of water is poured on
the affected part. You brought down rain in time
and thereby prevented the poison from
permeating my body.
O universally-pervading Papa! Walking slowly
I came to the Ashram. I saw you and others
sleeping soundly and, fearing that by my
remaining there I might disturb you, I did a
Pradakshina of the Ashram. Then, going up the
hill again, I laid myself down in the verandah of
the small devil's shrine on the top of the hill. I did
not get any sleep for a long time owing to the
76
pain from the serpent bite and the thought of
your approaching departure. When dawn was
nearing I felt drowsy and had a brief nap. At
sunrise I got up and for ablutions I slowly made
my way with my swollen leg to the bank of the
river Chandragiri. As the path to the river was
difficult I reached the bank as late as 11a.m. I
finished my bath there, returned to the devil's
shrine at three in the afternoon and again rested
in the verandah.
O all-pervading Papa! People believe that it is
harmful for women to sleep in a devil's shrine.
Some lads who saw me lying down in the shrine
went home and reported to their elders that a
woman was found sleeping in the devil's shrine.
The elders immediately ran up to you in the
Ashram and angrily told you about me. With the
object of finding out who it might be, you came
along with some devotees to where I was. I then
accompanied you to the Ashram. As I had pain in
my leg from the serpent bite I walked very slowly.
Seeing this, you asked me a little sternly,
"Since you desired so much to remain last night in
the Ashram how is it you didn't tell Ramdas about
it?"
Then, turning to Rukmabai you asked, "Since
she had such a keen longing for spending the
77
night in the Ashram, why did you not give her
consent to do so?"
Soon you sent me in a horse cart to Rame's
house. From there I was taken by Sundari to her
home. She arranged to treat me with proper
remedies and relieved me from the effects of the
poison. Although the wound did not completely
heal I began to visit the Ashram as you were soon
to go on tour.










78
- 13 -
INNER STRUGGLE & THE CALL
O KINDNESS-INCARNATE Papa! Before you
started from the Ashram you gave me the feeling
that wherever you happened to be, you would be
always with me, and so the grief resulting from
your separation did not affect me. Rame also
joined me in chanting Ram Nam as she had great
faith in the Mantra.
O Purushottam Papa! When you were in
Kasaragod I could not pass even a day without
taking your prasad. Now, after you went away, I
would eat the remnant of the food taken by
anybody whom I looked upon as yourself.
Once it so happened that I did not get any
prasad. So my mind got very much agitated and I
was walking hither and thither on the verandah
of the Ashram. I asked within myself, "Are you
not giving me prasad today?" That instant a
wandering dog came to the Ashram and vomited
on the steps. Seeing this, with great joy I
exclaimed, "Compassionate Papa! Hearing my
prayer, you have come in this form to give me
prasad!"
Saying this I accepted the prasad. Thereafter
my eagerness for prasad disappeared.
79
O infinite Papa! After some time, as Gurudev
was unwell you came back to Kasaragod to see
him. I was happy at your unexpected return. After
a few days you started again on tour and
returned in a few months.
O Papa, the ocean of compassion! A few
weeks after you came back from tour, Dr. Rama
Rao, having finished his advanced studies abroad,
returned and came to take us to Dharwar. When
he arrived, thoughts came to me that I was very
happy in your company, and I wondered whether
I would feel your separation after I left
Kasaragod. How to know if I was fully established
in you? As it was usual that whenever I had any
doubts, you would give me the answers even
without my expressing them to you, this time also
you told me, "You have realised Ram. He has
become yours. It must be understood that if you
do not feel the separation from Ramdas, you
have attained spiritual perfection."
You then asked me to go with Dr. Rama Rao
and came to our house at Kasaragod to bid
farewell to me.
I started in 1930, two days before Chaturthi,
for Dharwar. On the way I could not bear your
separation and felt as though you were far away
from me. I had not felt so bad previously even
when you had gone on tour. So my belief that I
80
had attained spiritual perfection was not correct.
I came to know truly that I had yet to attain that
blessed state and for some reason my way to it
was blocked. So my mind having fallen, I
experienced excessive sorrow. At the thought of
my imperfection, waves of grief arose in my
heart. I tried to control my grief out of the fear
that otherwise my ardour to realise my oneness
with you might diminish. I thought: "If I allow my
mind to be depressed like this it would be difficult
for me to protect my physical purity. Besides, I
would not be able to achieve the experience of
my oneness with you."
O Papa, the lover of the humble! Therefore,
the desire to join your presence soon became
intense again. After reaching Dharwar, Dr. Rama
Rao received a transfer order to a place called
Colaba near Bombay. So, in the company of
Anasuyakka and with Ganesh and Narayan I
resided at Dharwar in the home of Anasuyakka's
younger brother. At this time I had developed the
feeling that not only were my relatives mine but
also all the people whom I met. So I was taking
my meals sometimes at my home and sometimes
at the homes of others. In this manner, as I was
taking meals in different homes daily, my mind
became calm and was filled with a strange joy.
Then I understood that if I took meals only in one
81
home my mind would go into the world and it
would not be possible for me to do Japa of Ram
Nam. So I could not resist taking at least some
food in the homes of others. Since all the people
in the world are the embodiments of my Mother,
I found it beneficial to take food which they
offered me with love. I discovered that the rule
that Sadhakas should live upon food procured by
alms was quite proper. The people at home did
not like my going every day to other homes for
my food. They were sorry as they believed that I
was going because I felt that I was not looked
after well by them. From the worldly standard,
their point of view was not wrong. But I could not
avoid going to the homes of others. I was acting
according to my faith and initiative and I did not
trouble myself to explain to them the reason for
my strange ways. I knew that you were testing
me through those forms. Truly, since you are
omniscient, what was there for me to tell about
anything?
O Papa, the lover of devotees! As days went
by, the people at home, not having understood
my ways, started criticising you and me
adversely. I could not bear all this.
While I was at Kasaragod, although they were
speaking ill of you, I looked upon them as yourself
and considered that you yourself were slandering
82
yourself. So their censure did not affect me.
Later, I remained unconcerned when they talked
ill of you. But now every bad word they said
about you struck me like an arrow and I became
angry.
O Papa, the protector of the helpless! All
these happenings dragged my mind to a still
lower plane. I thought that if I went on at this
rate my desire to become one with your eternal
Being would remain unfulfilled and I might again
suffer misery by getting entangled in worldly life.
This thought unsettled me and I firmly made up
my mind to join you as early as possible in order
to fulfil my burning aspiration.
O all-pervading Papa! So it was that I decided
to leave the home in which I lived, with the object
of meeting you again. Before coming to you I
wanted to go to Bombay and some other places.
O Papa, the ocean of compassion! One day I
resolved to start. At that time there was in the
house the sister of Anasuyakka, whose name was
Bhavaniakka. She was bed ridden with illness.
There was another woman also who was unable
to do any work. The male members used to go
out for their work and the children to school. At
this juncture Anasuyakka thought that if she
remained at home she would be blamed for my
going away from the house. So, that very morning
83
she went to a house in the neighbourhood. If
anybody came to our home then there would be
nobody in it even to offer a glass of water. I came
to the conclusion that if I took all these matters
into consideration I would not be able to become
one with your eternal Being. I then told
Bhavaniakka, I am going." I saluted her and made
myself ready to start. She was so much pained
that she took me in her arms, embraced me
tightly and asked me not to go. I struggled, freed
myself from her embrace and made my way
straight to the railway station with the only sari I
wore.
O Papa, the ocean of grace! On my reaching
the railway station, Golikere Sanjiva Rao, son of
Anasuyakka's sister, and his friend came there,
bringing with them some of my necessary
clothes. They pressed me to return home. But I
did not agree and as soon as the train arrived I
boarded it. At last they procured a ticket, gave it
to me and then tried to persuade me to accept
the balance of the amount they had.
O Papa, the protector of your devotees! Now my
mind was utterly confused. I felt I should not
touch money because you and Sri Ramakrishna
did not handle it. But if I refused, it would be an
insult to you as you have, in my eyes, become
everything. I told you mentally that I would have
84
money with me only as long as it was essential for
my use. I accepted the amount offered with love
by Golikere Sanjiva Rao.













85
- 14 -
MOTHER-LOVE
O PAPA who is all and beyond all! There were
some mothers in the compartment in which I sat.
They asked me many questions as to who I was
and where I was going. To all of them I answered
in terms of Ram. From this they thought that my
mind was deranged. However, they offered me
some eatables which they had but I did not
accept them. I duly reached Pune where I took a
cup of tea and then entrained for Bombay where
I arrived at the scheduled time.
O Papa, the ocean of compassion! As the
people at home at Dharwar had wired to Bombay
to our relative, Balse Sadashiv Rao, his elder
sister's son had come to the station with a car to
take me to his home. The moment I sat in the car
I pressed the young man to receive the money I
had with me. But as he did not accept it, I threw it
out of the fast running car so that someone who
was in need of it might pick it up.
Seeing this, the young man questioned, "Why
have you thrown away the money? Shall I stop
the car for recovering it?"
I told him, I flung it out so that any needy
person may have it. So you had better not stop
86
the car." What feeling you gave me while
receiving the money, the same feeling you
retained within me when I rejected it.
O Papa, the ocean of kindness! I prayed to
you that in all situations you should keep my
mind in this well balanced state and not allow it
to sink to lower levels.
O omnipresent Papa! I reached the home of
Balse Sadashiv Rao where I was treated with all
love. There I expressed my desire to see my
younger sisters, Sumitra and Shanti. So the same
evening I went to the home of Lajmi Ramakrishna
Rao, the husband of Shanti. Thereafter I went to
the homes of those who invited me or of those
whom I wished to meet. In the circumstances,
you in those forms were treating me with great
love and in some other forms you were mocking
at me, but I was indifferent to both. I stopped
mostly at Udipi Sanjiv Rao's home. You had been
acquainted with him for a long time and used to
stay with him whenever you visited Bombay.
Sanjiv Rao and his wife, Lakshmi Devi, treated me
with all affection as though I were their own
daughter.
O infinite Papa! I once visited the home of my
junior aunt's son, Udiyavar Dattatreya. At the
time, Dr. Rama Rao was residing at Colaba.
Dattatreya told me that he was going to the
87
doctor's home and if I wished I could accompany
him. As I too had a desire to see the doctor,
Sundari and children, I went with him. They
welcomed me with love and hospitality. But there
I was mostly moving about alone, all the time
doing the Japa of Ram Nam. The same day I
returned to Udiyavar Dattatreya's house.
O Papa, the ocean of compassion! As
Dattatreya, you suggested to me that it was not
proper for me to travel alone from place to place.
To this I replied, "Let it be as you say. I will do as
willed by Ram."
So from Udiyavar Dattatreya's home I
returned to Lajmi Ramakrishna Rao. There I found
Ganesh and Narayan with Bhavaniakka, who had
come to Bombay with the children during their
Diwali holidays. When I had gone to Sundari's
place, her children Indu and Nalini, who were
very fond of me, stubbornly insisted upon coming
with me. In two or three days Sundari took them
back to her house. Whenever I visited homes in
response to their invitations I used to take
Ganesh and Narayan with me.
O kindness-incarnate Papa! When the people
in Lajmi's home came to know that I was to go to
you, they were very much ruffled about it. Some
of them tried their best to prevent me from going
to your Ashram by renouncing them all. They
88
questioned me, "What would be the fate of your
children?"
I had the firm conviction that after the death
of my husband, Dr. Rama Rao and his wife
Sundari had become the parents of Ganesh and
Narayan and that they would protect and bring
them up with all love and care. So I assured them
that I had not the least anxiety about my
children.
I further told them, "If necessary an ayah
could be employed to look after them and what
would have to be spent on me may be spent on
her. All the service which I may render to the
children will be done by the ayah. Nobody can do
for me the Sadhana that would lead me to the
realisation of oneness with Papa's eternal Being.
Even if you wish to do this for me it is not
possible for you."
The people at home now definitely believed
that I was giving up the home and they became
anxious on this score. But, owing to your
unlimited grace, my mind did not waver and I
decided upon the course I had set myself. Yet, my
longing to come to you not being so strong, I had
to pass some more days in Bombay.
O infinite Papa! Meanwhile, Udipi Sanjiv Rao
received a letter from Rame's husband, Trikannad
Chandrashekhar, that you had taken the vows of
89
fast and silence. On hearing this news I thought
how it would be possible for me to be corrected
by you and receive instructions for realising my
oneness with you if you observed the vow of
silence. However, I resolved to be with you as
soon as possible. I was keen on listening to your
spiritual advice and acting up to it. At the time I
had not the least feeling that I was renouncing
my home because by your grace I had the vision
that the universe was my home, and that
travelling from one place to another was like
passing from one room to another in the same
house.
O all-pervading Papa! When this was my
mental attitude I wrote you a letter in which I
said, "O Mother, my sole aim in life is to merge
my little self in your infinite and eternal Being. I
can never live separated from you. Therefore, in
future, giving up my household life, I shall spend
my nights on the hills. For the maintenance of my
body, as I do not like mendicancy, I shall join with
the sweepers and scavengers or share with
washerwomen or utensil cleaners in their work,
and with what little food I get from them I will be
content. At other times I shall engage myself in
your service and in listening to your discourse." I
took two copies of this letter one of which I
90
posted to you and the other I handed over to
Sundari.
O Papa, the omnipresent! On reading this
letter Dr. Rama Rao and Sundari gave me a reply
reading, "Just as you consider Papa as your
mother and you strongly wish to be with him, so
also your children ardently wish you, their
mother, to be near them." But I paid no attention
to this remark.
O Papa, the giver of bliss! You as my brother
Dattatreya, prompted Ganesh and Narayan to tell
me that they were determined to accompany me
wherever I went. To this I told them, "If you both
wish to come with me you may by all means do
so. I can do your service as well. For feeding you I
shall give you a share of what I obtain from my
work. You have to know that our lives are not
intended solely for eating and learning but for
realising our identity with the eternal Being -
God."
When they heard me saying this they were
frightened and said, "We don't want to go with
you because we have to attend to our studies at
school."
O love-incarnate Papa! Later, light dawned in
me that you caused the above incident to happen
with a view to test me. That is why you made
Ganesh and Narayan speak as they did. The test
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was whether I really aspired for your real and
imperishable Being or I had still attachment for
your perishable forms. I prayed that you should
never test me in this manner in future. If you had
not made me stand your test there would have
been no hope for my ultimate triumph in the
attainment of my goal.
O Papa, the embodiment of bliss! Shanti
questioned me thus, "You are calling every one as
your mother. Is not the one who gave you birth
also your mother? Are you not going to see her
on your way to the Ashram?"
At this suggestion I started with Sumitra to go
to Bhatkal for seeing my mother. There were
others in our company who were acquainted with
us and were also going to Kasaragod. To see me
off both Ganesh and Narayan came with us as far
as the docks. When we arrived at the docks we
found there a Sannyasini (who was also yourself),
ready to board the steamer. Her many devotees
had come to garland her. I was at the time
dressed in a sari of orange colour presented to
me by a friend. The moment I saw the Sannyasini
I prayed to you, "Do not allow me to fall a victim
to external glamour. What I want is the
experience of your immortal existence and the
consequent bliss. Don't grant me any other wish
than this. Also don't let me reveal in any way
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externally my inner experience of your
everlasting Being when I get it."
O all-pervading Papa! On board the steamer I
cast looks towards the docks and saw both
Ganesh and Narayan shedding tears. At this sight,
for some time I gave way to uncontrollable grief
But immediately after, my sorrow disappeared
and my mind, freed from the confusion, was
restored to tranquillity.
O immanent Papa! When I reached Bhatkal,
my mother, on seeing me, felt untold joy. Here I
planned to stay for only three days. So my
relatives and friends arranged to feed me with
sweets and choice dishes. I also joined them in
their culinary activities. Some among them,
learning that I would soon be going to your place,
warned me tauntingly in these words, "What is
the sense of your knocking about alone? So many
women have lost their honour by going about as
you intend doing."
To this I heatedly retorted, "Imagine, how
many women living in your families were unable
to remain pure. How was it you could not save
them? Were they not all living inside the four
walls of their homes? Do give up the false notion
that a woman can preserve her chastity by
remaining at home. If dishonour is to come to a
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woman it will happen wherever she is." Hearing
me the critics softened and became silent.
O Papa, the storehouse of compassion! As my
Ram Nam Japa gained more and more force, I
preferred to be away from the company of
people. I used to say that if I were prevented
from going to Papa, I would, rather than
remaining at home, spend my days walking about
on the seashore. Sumitra, interpreting my words
incorrectly, thought that I intended to jump into
the sea and end my life, and told my mother so.
Now, when I asked my mother's opinion about
my intention to go and stay with you, she at once
said, "Do what you will. Appayya Samarth will
protect you."













94
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APPAYYA SAMARTH
NOW WHO is Appayya Samarth? How did my
mother come to have so much faith in him? In
answer, I am herewith narrating in brief Appayya
Samarth's life.
Appayya Samarth was the elder brother of
my father's grandfather's great grandfather. So I
belonged to the seventh generation in the family.
Appayya Samarth was from his childhood not
only proficient in all arts but also fond of fun and
laughter. He was even in his youth performing
the daily worship, Japa and Sandhya regularly,
besides reading scriptures dealing with the
essence of eternal truths. He loved solitude and
was generous in giving alms to Sadhus and saints.
For some time Appayya Samarth used to
reflect on the eternal verities and was discussing
within himself about God and meditating on Him.
In this manner, he was spending his days in
solitude. Observing these ways, his father, Rama
Rao, fearing that his son might turn into a Vairagi,
got him married to a girl who was later known as
Bhagirathi. Samarth, although married, did not
give up his nature and old ways. So his family
members treated him with marked indifference.
95
It so happened that Appayya Samarth once
went as usual for the Darshan of Maruti, the
village deity in Bhatkal, and on his return he
beheld a radiant Yati in the nearby rest-house.
The Yati asked Appayya Samarth for a meal as he
had been fasting for several days. Samarth, with
all joy took the Yati to his home.
That day being Ganesh Chaturthi, all the men
and women in the house were fully engaged in
their various activities. So Samarth, requesting
the Yati to take his seat in the verandah, told his
wife to serve him meals. As his wife went on
serving food to the Yati, he was finishing it all.
Then he was served the Naivedya intended as
offering to the family deity. When the people in
the house came to know of this there was a great
hubbub, resulting in the sudden disappearance of
the Yati. Yet it was found that the vessels in
which the food was prepared and kept were full
and intact.
Samarth was aggrieved over the departure of
the Yati without having his fill at meals. He
therefore went in search of him and reached as
far as the seashore. Having searched for him until
sunset and not finding him, he walked into the
sea out of despair. As he proceeded, the water of
the sea covered his body more and more. When
it rose up to his nose and he was about to be
96
drowned, he saw a flash of Divine Light coming
from the Yati on the seashore. As the Yati
beckoned Samarth, the latter rushed towards
him. The Yati at once initiated Samarth with the
five-lettered Mantra and directed him to go to
Swami Vimalananda, who lived in Bailur, telling
him that the Swami was his Guru and was none
other than the Yati himself. So saying, the Yati
vanished.
As commanded by the Guru, Appayya
Samarth went to Bailur and engaged himself in
the service of Guru Vimalananda. He was not
always living at Bailur but, as desired by his
mother, was going home off and on.
After the Guru renounced his body, Samarth
took to a wandering life, during which he
composed several songs replete with the fervour
of devotion, knowledge and dispassion. During
his itinerary he once came to a rest-house. Here,
Vardayya Hegde of the Manjunath Temple, had
lost his eye-sight as a result of his indifferent
treatment of a low caste devotee. As Hegde had
heard of the fame of Samarth he appealed to him
to endow him with eye-sight again. When
Appayya Samarth prayed to God and went round
the temple thrice with Hegde, the latter
recovered his eyesight.
97
The Goddess Mukambika was the family deity
of the king of Kollur. To obtain the prasad of the
Goddess daily, the servants of the king used to go
to the temple priest. One day, owing to some
unknown reason, the priest got up late in the
morning and the king's servants were seen
waiting for the prasad. As the morning worship in
the temple had not been performed till then,
there was no prasad to offer to the servants of
the king. The priest, fearing that the king would
be angry with him if no prasad was sent, took out
from his hair the prasad he had worn the
previous day and gave it to the king's servants.
The king, discovering hair in the prasad, became
wild and sent for the priest. He threatened the
priest with dire punishment if he did not show
hair on the head of the Goddess. Thoroughly
frightened, the priest went to Appayya Samarth
who happened to be there and took refuge in
him. Samarth assured him of protection.
Next morning the king had to go on a war and
before he started, as was his custom, he first
came for the Darshan of the Goddess. His visit to
the temple was sudden. At that time Samarth
was present at the temple and he prayed to
Goddess Mukambika for her vision. The image of
the Goddess became alive and appeared before
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them as a veritable animate Goddess with long,
shining black hair.
Appayya Samarth performed many miracles
of this nature. All these took place not from the
Siddhis he had attained, but owing to prayers
offered to God in the spirit of a child to its
mother. Just as a mother cannot deny what is
asked of her by her child, similarly God cannot
resist granting the prayer of His devotee. To bring
out hair on the head of the image of the Goddess
could never have been possible by the use of
mere occult powers. It could be done only by the
power of devotion.
It was related by some old people that
Appayya Samarth, before he gave up his body,
called all his devotees and friends and, after
delivering illuminating discourses to them,
entered his bedroom. As he did not come out of
the room even after a lapse of two or three
hours, his friends went inside only to find that he
had disappeared. Thereafter his devotees
installed in this room a Linga of Umamaheshwar
and later an image of Dattatreya, and thereby
converted the room into a temple.
O bliss incarnate Papa! Since we had faith in and
devotion for Appayya Samarth from generation
to generation, whenever we were confronted
with any difficulty, we would place it at his holy
99
feet and seek his help. My mother had the
highest faith in him, so she expressed herself as
she did when I sought her permission to go to
you. She asked me to sleep with her that night. I
consented and laid myself down near her and she
slept soundly with her hand resting on my body.












100
- 16 -
COMING "HOME"
O ALL-PERVADING Papa! Next morning, on
taking leave of everyone, I started on my journey
to Kasaragod. The people at home gave me a sari
eighteen cubits long and in return got back from
me the orange coloured sari which I was then
wearing, as I wanted to come to you with nothing
in hand. So I had only one sari that I wore. I came
to Mangalore by steamboat and thence by train I
arrived at Kasaragod. There, I at first decided to
go to you straight by the route that led to your
Ashram. But, as prompted by you from within, I
walked on the road leading to Rame's house and,
coming near it, called out Rame and asked her if
you were there. Receiving an answer in the
negative, I proceeded directly to the Ashram.
The way was over the hill and it was night
time. Thick clouds were overhanging the sky and
it was Kartika Purnima. In spite of the full moon I
could not clearly see my way. Nevertheless, as I
was acquainted with the road, and as there were
small lights twinkling in the houses on the way, I
walked on by short stages. But as I advanced I
found no more houses with lights to guide me.
The way was difficult to traverse and darkness
101
had enveloped everything around, with the
consequence that I could not go onward. Under
the illusion that as I was of fair complexion I could
find my way by the light of my feet, I raised my
sari a little. I saw a light in front of my feet as I
walked on. Believing that the light must be
issuing from my feet, I was taken aback.
Papa, the protector of the humble! I can
vouch for it that it was really you who provided
me with this light to guide me through the
darkness. I also wondered how great was your
love for your devotees who had taken refuge in
you. I was extremely delighted to know that you
can day and night watch over them and afford
them every kind of protection. But I prayed to
you not to entangle me in your miracles.
Papa, the lover of devotees! By the help of
the light provided by you I walked on and arrived
in your presence. At that time four or five
devotees were sitting around you. The moment
we met, you and I could not control an outburst
of laughter. As you were then observing the vow
of silence, you wrote on a slip of paper, "Mother,
you have come to your own home. The Ashram
shall, in future, be your permanent place of
residence," and showed the slip to me. Then I
decided to remain with you doing your service,
102
chanting Ram Nam and listening to your
discourses.
O all-pervading Papa! Seeing that you were
drinking only milk for your nourishment, we did
not feel happy over it and questioned you about
the fast over and over again. On getting tired of
answering our questions you stopped the
exchange of notes with us. At the ardent appeal
of Rame and her husband Chandrashekhar, you
ate food and also broke your silence. Indeed, our
joy knew no bounds.
O kindness-incarnate Papa! The following day
Rame sent you a letter in which she said that she
would provide food for both of us and that we
should agree to her request. As Rame had
inexpressible love for you and me we agreed. But
it was arranged that Rame and the devotee who
was sending food to you till then, should provide
us with food on alternate months.
O Papa, the embodiment of compassion! The
manner in which you showered your rare love on
us all was like that of a mother who would pour
her love on her child which she had obtained as
the fruit of her long penance and vows. But, just
as the mother sometimes reprimands the child
for its naughty behaviour, so you dealt with us in
order to guide us on the right path. We knew you
were admonishing us in strong words with the
103
sole object of leading us on the path of God-
realisation. So, you not only made me hear your
advice but also granted me the strength to act up
to it. At this time, as I was often living in your
company, some of the devotees who were
staying in the Ashram with us, began hearing the
slander about us started by the people in the
house of the devotee who was sending you food
ever since you came to Kasaragod and by others
in the town. For this reason and also on account
of threats from them, the devotees left the
Ashram. For the same reason the number of
devotees visiting the Ashram was also reduced.








104
- 17 -
SPIRITUAL ILLUMINATION
O PAPA, the ocean of kindness! You asked me
to compose songs like Mirabai and others. To this
I did not agree.
Then you questioned me, "In that case what
do you want to be like?"
I replied, "I do not wish to be like anybody."
To this you asked, "Do you wish to be like
Ramdas?"
I replied, I don't want to be like you, a Guru
carrying on the work as you do. I want to be one
with your eternal and infinite Being and know you
and I are one. Besides, nobody should know that I
have realised your immanent and transcendent
Being."
This kind of prayer was often rising in my
heart.
O all-pervading Papa! in those days, although
I was saying that you were all-pervading Papa,
this conviction having not taken root in me, I
secretly felt that I had reverence and devotion
still to your form. You told me that this mental
attitude of mine was responsible for the delay in
attaining the knowledge of the Self - that is
yourself. Truly, I had intense love for you, just as
105
a child has for its mother. Because of my love for
your form it was difficult for me to realise your
immortal Being. Hence you advised me, with the
object of expanding my narrow vision, to
embrace with love the entire universe. In order to
free me from attachment to your form, you
imposed on me strict restrictions that I should
not speak to you, that I should not see you and I
should not do any service of you. Further, you
bade me to stay in Rame's house and not come to
the Ashram. Moreover, you told me, so that my
mind may go inward, that I should write down all
that I did during the course of the day and what
thoughts came into my mind. I am giving here
briefly what I noted down at that time:
"Papa, Truth is yourself, untruth is yourself.
"Papa, Eternal is yourself, non eternal is
yourself.
"Papa, Purity is yourself, impurity is yourself.
"Papa, All-powerful is yourself, weak is
yourself.
"Papa, Kind is yourself, unkind is yourself.
"Papa, One is yourself, many is yourself.
"Papa, Auspiciousness is yourself,
inauspiciousness is yourself.
"Papa, Permanent is yourself, impermanent is
yourself.
106
"Papa, Love is yourself, lovelessness is
yourself.
"Papa, Peace is yourself, wrath is yourself.
"Papa, Imperishable is yourself, perishable is
yourself.
"Papa, All is yourself, everything is yourself.
"O Papa, compassion, love, peace, bliss,
power, the very being of knowledge! For your
child Krishnabai you are all and all-in-all. For her,
except you there is none. Having manifested
yourself as the entire universe you are at once
the player and the witness of all play. Having
yourself become everything, you and Krishnabai
are one. O Krishnabai, the almighty and all-
pervading Papa is dwelling in your heart! He and
you are verily one. You are formless and also with
form. You are invisible and you are also visible.
Peace is yourself, confusion is yourself. Eternal is
yourself, non-eternal is yourself. Purity is
yourself, impurity is yourself. Filling all space you
are the peace and bliss which are the basis of
your cosmic manifestation. You are He! He is you!
"O Papa, the embodiment of compassion and
love! Thus you transformed your child Krishnabai
into the very expression of bliss. To behold your
personal form is bliss, so also not to see you as
such is bliss. To remember you is bliss, so also not
to remember you is bliss. That you are in my
107
heart is bliss, so also to forget that you are in my
heart is bliss. Your giving me anything is bliss, so
also your not giving me anything is bliss. To ask
you and get is bliss, so also not to get is bliss. The
bliss is within you, so also without you.
"Krishnabai, Papa who is in your heart and
you are really one. All are yourself, all are
yourself, all are yourself."
O compassionate Papa! In this way some
days passed and you permitted me to come again
to the Ashram. When I came to the Ashram, you
at once instructed me to sit down for meditation.
Before this I had never sat for meditation. Even
when I tried to do so, I used to be overpowered
by sleep. Therefore, I was doing Ram Nam Japa
when walking, sitting and lying down, besides
when serving you with my hands. I did not like to
allow others to see my meditation and Samadhi.
So when asked to sit for meditation I told you, "I
do not want it."
Then you told me, "All saints got the highest
spiritual experience only on practising
meditation. Ramdas thought that you may, if Ram
wills it so, get the experience even without sitting
for meditation. But now it seems definite that
you should practise meditation.
"For meditation, sit erect and never move
your body even to the smallest extent for any
108
reason whatsoever. As you advance, at some
stage you may see some bright light and also get
frightened. These should not cause your body to
move. You should not fix your mind on Ramdas'
form. You should take all thoughts that are
coming into your mind as not yourself, and you
should consider yourself above all thoughts and
that you are the all-transcendent witness
Consciousness.
"While the Kundalini is ascending, if you
move your body even a little, the power will
descend immediately and it will take a long time
for it to rise again.
The ascent of the Kundalini up to Bhrukuti
(Ajna) can be achieved without much difficulty.
But, for that power to go from Bhrukuti to
Sahasrara it is extremely difficult. The external
help of the Guru can take you only till the
Kundalini reaches Bhrukuti, that is, near the goal
of Self-realisation. Beyond it Ramdas cannot help
you as a form outside you. Ramdas, the absolute
Truth within you, will then, by his grace, raise the
power to Sahasrara and make you one with
himself. This will give you the experience that you
are the entire universe and beyond it."
O kindness-incarnate Papa! As I did not know
how to sit for meditation, you taught me how to
do it by yourself sitting in a particular posture.
109
When I sat for meditation in the night as
instructed by you, you were examining my face
with a light to find what changes were appearing
on it. Moreover, the next day you questioned me
as to what experience I had gained during
meditation the previous night. But I was
extremely pained to confess that I had not
achieved any spiritual experience as described by
you.
Then you remarked with some agitation, "So
many days have passed, yet you have not
attained anything. The reason for the delay is that
you still have attraction for Ramdas' form or you
must have moved your body when sitting in
meditation."
Because of the delay I was very much upset. I
used to weep and also pray to you within me with
a highly perturbed mind, like a demented person,
that you should soon make me realise my
oneness with you. I thought I should better die
than remain any longer without realising you.
Papa, you are indeed permeated with
compassion. As usual, when I sat for meditation
that night, suddenly I felt at the tip of the toes a
sensation as if ants were creeping up. As this
gradually spread upward, the already affected
lower parts became dead, as it were, and the
110
parts above became lighter. When this sensation
reached the heart, I had a frightening shock.
O all-pervading Papa! Now I mentally
debated with you within me in this way: "You said
that you pervaded me internally and externally,
but my state now is really fearful. However, I shall
not give up until I fully realise your immutable
and immortal Being."
The fear then disappeared and a sort of joy
welled up in my heart, and I saw a light. Then I
practised saying as you had taught me: I am
neither fear nor joy nor light. I am beyond these."
Both these feelings of fear and joy and also the
light then disappeared. When the power rose
above the neck, all my thoughts ceased and with
it my contention with you.
O all-merciful Papa! Thus the power
ascended from the neck to Bhrukuti (Ajna). From
there, by your infinite grace, it rose up with more
speed and brilliance than that of lightning. About
the experience I had at that time, nothing could
be said except that I had indescribable bliss. How
did this happen? What is all this? Even for these
thoughts the mind was not there as it had
dissolved in your eternal Being. How long I
remained in this state on that night I did not
know. When I came out of it, that is, to the
awareness of the external world, I felt: I am the
111
universe and also beyond it." So long as I had the
body- idea, I used to feel that I was the body from
head to foot and that it was mine. In the same
way, now I got the experience that I was the
entire universe, it was mine and I was beyond it.
O Papa, you are without beginning and
without end. Since I was absorbed the whole
night in your true Being, in the morning I had not
any initiative to get up or to do any work and so I
could not do your service as usual. When you
pressed me to take food I took a little of it. As I
had no desire to see anything, with a view to
remain absorbed in you, I used to lay myself
down with eyes closed. As I lost all external
consciousness I did not know how time passed,
nor was I aware that I was sometimes lying down
with my legs turned towards you.
O infinite Papa! When you were giving me
the experience of Samadhi by making me sit for
meditation, as the power within me reached the
centre of Bhrukuti, my mental state was the same
as when I was moving about in your service and
doing the Japa of Ram Nam. In fact, I did not
know then to what state I had reached. You made
me sit for meditation with the sole object of
granting me the needed experience of Samadhi.
O Papa, the ocean of kindness! Just as you
are pervading every particle of my body and
112
causing different kinds of actions in it, making me
feel all the time that this body was myself and
mine, similarly you now granted me the exalted
experience that you and I are one, by raising me
to a state in which you made me aware that I am
the entire cosmos and beyond it.
O compassionate Papa! How can I describe
your real Being which is all and beyond all,
without beginning and without end, immutable,
static and infinite! How can I compare the
imperishable Being with the perishable objects!
O Papa, the giver of bliss! I was in this state for
several days and when I was coming to the
awareness of the external world, I was doing your
service and absolutely necessary work for taking
care of my body or any service of others. I was
doing so in a spirit of indifference. At this time, in
spite of my being immersed in your Being all the
time, I could not find joy in doing any work or
service. I did not like to get back to the awareness
of the external world from the state of
obliviousness of it and the consciousness of
immobility and eternity. Therefore, I was feeling
that I should remain always forgetful of the body
because I got so much joy in that state. You were
instructing me that I should practise
Purushottama Yoga in which I would at once
experience the peace of the static state and also
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feel side by side the bliss of movement by doing
all actions by the body.














114
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NEW ANANDASHRAM
O PAPA, the birthless and deathless! When I
was in this condition, one day Lakshmi Devi, your
elder sister of Purvashram, and her husband,
Trikannad Bhavanishankar Rao came to invite us
for the opening ceremony of their newly-built
house at a distance of three miles from
Kanhangad. We told them that we did not wish to
go for it, and after some time they left the
Ashram.
Subsequent to their departure, one night at
about 10 o'clock you came to the Ashram in the
form of two drunkards. I was then seated a little
behind where you sat. Near us there was a
lantern burning. Now, while one of them engaged
you in talk for some time, the other threw the
lantern away into the yard. The lantern having
broken, the light was extinguished, causing utter
darkness. The man who flung away the lantern
came towards me with the object of clutching my
throat, but in the darkness he got hold of my
shoulders tightly. Sensing what was happening,
you came behind him and in order to free me
from his hold, pulled him back with all your
strength. Then the other man tried to drag you
115
away from behind. Immediately you uttered the
name "Ram" three times. From my mouth also
issued automatically the name "Ram" twice. At
this the man who held me pushed me down
forcefully and both of them ran away in fright. By
the push from the man I fell down on the copper
water-pot nearby and from there rolled down
into the yard. By this fall I received a severe hit on
the small of the back. On your enquiry I told you
that all was well with me.
O Papa, without beginning and without end!
The sound of Ram Nam uttered by us fell on the
ears of a farmer who was residing nearby. He ran
to us and came to know what had taken place
and offered to sleep in the Ashram that night. But
considering that to stay there any longer was not
proper, and declaring that it was all the will of
Ram, you left the place for good that very night,
taking me with you. The farmer accompanied us
as far as Rame's house and then departed.
O compassionate Papa! While we were
proceeding to Rame's house that night, on the
way I humbly begged of you, I will come with
you wherever you go. I have no other shelter
than you. So don't abandon me. At first you did
not respond favourably but in the end you could
not refuse to abide by my request.
116
O Purushottam Papa! In spite of the chaos
that resulted in our leaving the Ashram, since you
had already merged me into your eternal Being
and also granted me the experience that the
universe was myself and still I was beyond it,
these outward incidents produced no effect on
me. So I did not harbour any ill-will towards the
men for their violence on us in the Ashram.
O kindness-incarnate Papa! When we
reached Rame's house, her husband, Trikannad
Chandrashekhar, pressed us to accept his father
Bhavanishankar Rao's invitation and go to their
new house. So we came to Kanhangad and after a
stay of one or two days at Bhavanishankar Rao's
mother's house at Hosdrug we came to his new
house.
O Papa who is love-incarnate! After we had
reached Bhavanishankar Rao's house, he, his
mother, brother and sisters suggested to us to
have an Ashram built on a nearby hill and make it
our dwelling place. Accordingly, having received
monetary help from some devotees, you started
the construction of an Ashram on a hillock. By the
untiring service of Bhavanishankar Rao's brother,
Ganesh Rao, the Ashram building came up
without much delay. Until the construction of the
Ashram was over we remained at Bhavanishankar
Rao's home. The Ashram in Kasaragod was called
117
Anandashram. So this Ashram was also named
Anandashram. Even after the completion and
opening of the Ashram buildings, Bhavanishankar
Rao and his wife were offering us help in various
ways.












118
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CLASH OF OPPOSITES
O ALL-PERVADING Papa! In spite of your
having given me the experience of bliss from the
knowledge that you and I were one and that the
whole universe was myself and mine, I did not
experience such bliss and peace while I was
engaged in work as I did while sitting or lying
down. I asked myself the question, "How is it that
I cannot feel the same joy while I am engaged in
work as I get while I quietly sit doing no work?" If
the two states, that is, rest and activity, did not
synchronise, I feared I might fall back into the
same state as I had when I was at Dharwar.
O Papa, the ocean of grace! When you had
kept me body-conscious, even though I did not
know who I was, while I was doing work for my
own sake, I felt that my body, "I" and the work
were the same. So I prayed to you to give me the
experience which would enable me to maintain,
while I am active, the same joy I had while I was
oblivious of the external world through oneness
with you.
O infinite Papa! As I did not have so much joy
in activity as in inactivity, sometimes I used to see
faults in you such as, that you loved some greatly
119
and you did not at all love some others. When
some committed any mistake, you used to scold
them, but would not scold others who committed
the same mistake. In some cases you showed
preference by giving them what they wanted
without their asking for it, whereas in other cases
you were not giving even when they asked for it.
When some were laid up with illness you were
taking every care of them. On the other hand,
you were totally indifferent to others in the same
condition. When I noticed such differences in you
I would object and raise a controversy with you.
O all-pervading Papa! Whenever you read the
Puranas, if I heard any censure of women who
were held responsible for obstructions in the way
of men's Sadhana, and any passing references to
the weaknesses of women, I would get enraged
and would say that just as women were a
hindrance, so also men were a hindrance to
women in their Sadhana. In fact, there is little
justification for either men or women criticising
each other adversely. The downfall of either is
solely due to his or her own mental weaknesses. I
further debated with you that if one possessed
intense desire to realise oneness with you,
nobody could stand in one's way, be it a man or a
woman.
120
O Papa, the ocean of kindness! I was strongly
opposing your viewpoint when you held out
before us the qualities of a Jnani, such as
compassion, forgiveness and peace, and at the
same time speaking of the opposite qualities
found in an Ajnani. I would contend that even
Jnanis possessed the qualities which you saw in
Ajnanis. I argued that it was not wrong that there
should be in the Jnani the qualities of the Ajnani.
In the Jnani there should be all qualities, if not, he
cannot be perfect. Since the Jnani is everything
and beyond everything, how could it be possible
for him to have only good qualities and still be
perfect? Although during Puja the right hand is
used, considering it to be more auspicious, it is
not possible to do Namaskar to God without
using also the left hand. You made me use my
good qualities to draw my mind within, in order
to merge in you; you made me also use my bad
qualities, the six enemies, to subdue the outgoing
tendencies of the mind instead of using them
against others.
O Papa, the giver of bliss! Before you made
me one with you, you showed me the various
modifications of desire, wrath, greed,
attachment, pride and envy - the complete Lila of
these six enemies. Thereafter you directed my
desire and wrath, which were pursuing perishable
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happiness, to flow towards the imperishable
happiness. So my desire was transformed into an
intense longing to realise your infinite and eternal
Being. Whenever any obstacle presented itself
within me against the fulfilment of my desire,
anger became a help. The greed that obsessed
me when I was of the world, aided in not
minimising to the least extent my intense longing
to become one with your infinite Being. The
attachment I had at first for my relatives now
rushed like a stream towards your eternal Being.
O all-pervading Papa! When my keen longing
to realise you increased in vigour, the pride in me
which was there before, gave place to divine
intoxication through unceasing communion with
your Being. When I was trying day and night to
merge myself in your Being, any thought of the
world would drag the mind to the lower levels.
Whenever any thought other than of yourself
entered the mind, I would feel envious of you.
O omnipresent Papa! in this manner, having
triumphed over all the difficulties that confronted
me, you made me practise seeing you in all
beings and thereby granted me the experience of
your immutable, static and eternal Being.
O love-incarnate Papa! On account of the
quarrels ensuing from our controversies, you
used to get angry and give up talking, observe
122
fasts and run away often in the nights to the top
of the hill. On such occasions, either I or others
would go up to you and bring you back to the
Ashram by apologising. However much you got
angry with me, since you are my mother, I used
thereafter to speak to you with love as before. On
your part you would also forget the past and
treat me with the same love as previously. Even
then, I did not give up my contumacy.
O Papa! You are really an ocean of grace. I
found out at last that you were in all things
opposing my views and acts and controverting
me with the object of granting me the Sahaja
state. Your wish was to give me bliss and peace
equally in both these conflicting opposites. You
gave me the full understanding in a short time
why you were acting as you did.
Although all the limbs of my body from head
to foot are different from each other and their
functions are different in nature, still I look upon
the body as myself. In the same way you made
me experience that you exist as the universe with
its various forms, calling yourself by different
names and doing actions in different ways, and
that all these are myself and I am beyond them.
O blissful Papa! When you first brought me
into the world you made me think that I was only
a body. In that state I would treat my body as I
123
liked - at one time I would treat it with attention
and at other times with inattention. For instance,
if I got even a small hurt in any part of my body I
would take very great care of it, whereas when I
fell ill I would not take any notice of it. Living in
this way, I had no anxiety whether I did any work
for my body or not, and yet my love for the body
when I did nothing for it even when needed
remained constant. Moreover, when I did not feel
the difference between myself and the work
done for the sake of my own body, the moment
the work was finished I was not bound by the
action. Whenever I did anything, the action did
not leave behind any impression and so I
remained unattached and ever free.
O compassionate Papa! Similarly, you made me
realise that I am the entire universe and whether
I do any service to anybody or not, I have equal
love for all and I am not bound by what I do or do
not do. Now I found that I have the same joy in
both action and inaction. It was to give me this
experience that you debated with me so much.




124
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I AM THE UNIVERSE
O ALL-PERVADING Papa! Having granted me
the vision of the entire universe and that which is
beyond it, you gave me bliss and peace equally in
the active and inactive states. So when I was in a
state of movement, that is, when doing work, my
mind remained steady and equalised when I was
loving one and not another; when I did not give
anyone when he asked for anything he needed
and gave to another of my own accord; when I
did not scold even when anybody committed a
mistake but scolded another when he committed
the same mistake; when anybody was ill in bed,
though necessary, I did not give any attention to
him, while with great love I took care of another
who was ill. Since the whole universe is myself I
act differently with different people. Just as with
regard to my body itself, when I was body-
conscious, I was sometimes doing work necessary
for it at one time and totally abstained from
doing anything for it at another.
O Purushottam Papa! From my childhood I
had heard from others and also from stories from
books that to saints and saintly people all were
equal and in them there was no greed and
125
attachment. But in all the saints that I had seen
there was one or other of these frailties.
Therefore, instead of having a good opinion
about them, when I saw or heard about saints,
though I used to feel a kind of joy in their
presence, I was afraid of them.
O Papa, the giver of bliss! In order to remove
my misconception about saints, you made me
come to Kasaragod in your presence. When I
came there I heard you describing the state of
the immortal Reality free from the pairs of
opposites, beyond the Trigunas, and
transcendent, static and immutable. Moreover,
you told me that if I truly loved all beings,
believing that Ram dwelt in them, then only it
should be considered that I really loved Ramdas.
On my listening to these words of enlightenment,
since you were like the wish-fulfilling cow,
Kamadhenu, you fixed me in this state of equality
as I wished. In fact, I had prayed to you from the
beginning that you should not only give me the
experience of your eternal existence, but also
enable me to realise in all things and their
movements the integral, perfect and immanent
Divinity.
While I was praying like this I knew that in the
world there is the play of dualities such as good
and bad, truth and untruth, love and hate, peace
126
and conflict, like and dislike, fame and obloquy,
etc. Just as all the several parts of our body are
necessary in their respective places and they do
not undergo any change after our realising the
Self, similarly, it is not possible for anybody even
after God-realisation to give up his good and bad
qualities on the manifest plane. But the manner
in which they are used will be different. At first a
person uses the good qualities for himself and his
bad qualities against others. After realising the
Atman the person uses all these qualities for
himself alone as the Virat Purusha. As we do not
look upon ourselves with hate and jealousy, so
also, after we attain the vision of the Eternal, it is
not possible for us to hate anyone, as that one is
none other than our own self. Since you are
manifest in entirety in all beings, we cannot
imagine that we could see you only in what we
like and not in what we dislike. Otherwise we
have to admit that there is a power other than
you, and therefore we have to take you as
imperfect. Therefore, if we want to realise you as
perfect, we have to see you alone in all beings
and things, good or bad.
O Sadguru Papa! I was praying from the
beginning that I should have a Guru who had the
experience of a married and worldly life, having
wife and children, and also advanced in age.
127
Besides, I wanted him to be one who led a
spiritual life, having renounced the worldly life.
The reason is that even Shankaracharya who was
a Jnani, in order to gain worldly experience, had
to enter the dead body of a king.
O beginningless and endless Papa! When I
first came to you, you were of a peaceful and
compassionate nature and entirely free from
wrath. At this, doubts used to arise in my mind
like waves. Since the quality of anger was absent
in you, how could I take you to be perfect? If
perfect, how was it you did not possess anger?
O compassionate Papa! Once when I
returned from home to the Ashram I found you
angry with Rukmabai. Seeing this I came to know
that you were really perfect, and this discovery
yielded me untold joy. Then I wished that you
should also get angry with me and that I should
continue to love you as when you treated me
with affection. So also, this love and reverence of
mine should be there for all others, who are your
forms, even when they get angry with me. This
was my prayer to you. On reflection we know
that sometimes we get angry and condemn and
find fault with ourselves but the next moment
our anger subsides and we get back to our usual
mood of love and kindness towards ourselves.
Similarly, after I gained the experience that I am
128
the universe, I scold those who walk on the
wrong path and yet love them.
O Papa, the giver of bliss! You gave me the
experience, in fulfilment of my prayer, of your
eternal Being. When I had the body-idea, even
though I could not give up the good and bad in
me, I loved myself. Similarly, now I love all beings
in the universe as they are myself. Even if there
are shortcomings in some of them, since they are
myself, I cannot possibly be unloving towards
them. After you gave me the experience of my
oneness with you, who is all and beyond all, my
attitude towards you in my dynamic being is that
of a child towards its mother, bereft of any sense
of duality.
O Papa, the beginningless and the endless!
Do grant me the discriminative faculty to express
how you and I performed actions after I realised
my oneness with you, and how I carried on my
activities before I attained this consciousness.
Before the aspiration sprang up in me for
realising your immortal Being, that is, when I
thought that I was only a body, I was doing all
actions looking upon all beings and creatures as
different from each other. But when I came to
you, in a short time after I received initiation of
the Mantra, I got the vision, "All is yourself".
129
O love-incarnate Papa! After initiation of the
Mantra, instead of calling the body as "I", I
thought I could use the term "Krishnabai", so that
my ego-sense might soon disappear. You had
from the beginning adopted this method when
you referred to yourself. When I adopted the
same method you became the object of mockery
to some people. Then I thought within myself
that whether I say, "Krishnabai is doing it" or I
am doing it", in both cases the doer is yourself. So
I did not see any difference between "Krishnabai"
and "I". Whatever way I expressed myself
thereafter, it was all the transcendent Papa who
is the same in all, whether I said "I", "you" or
"others".














130
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EARLY LIFE
O INFINITE Papa! Do give me the power and
intelligence to delineate truly how you, who have
revealed yourself in every atom comprising
countless universes, made me play and talk with
you under the guidance of yourself as my mother,
father and relatives.
O Papa, the giver of bliss! You gave me birth
on Sunday, 20th September, 1903 at about 9
o'clock on Mahalaya Amavasya night. All-gracious
as you are, in order to infuse into my blood the
aspiration to become one with your immortal
Being, you caused my birth in the family in which
were born great devotees of God, such as
Appayya Samarth, Shantibai and Saraswatibai.
O compassionate Papa! As the planets at the
time of my birth were inauspicious to my parents,
an astrologer advised that I should be given away
as a gift to anybody while I was yet a baby. But as
my parents had lost their first two children, they
were excessively fond of me and my elder
brother Dattatreya, and so they did not agree to
give me away as a gift. Therefore, I was held by a
woman on one side of a cow and after passing
me underneath the cow's belly, was handed over
131
to another woman standing on the opposite side
of the cow. This woman in her turn passed me
under the cow and returned me to the first
woman. This process was gone through three
times. In order that the bad influence of the
planets might not affect me, the cow was given
away as alms to some recipient.
A few days later, a Sannyasini who was
visiting my parents for alms frequently and who
had heard talks about me asked my parents to
give her the baby - which was myself - if they did
not want it. So I was given away to her in
exchange for a quantity of bran. Then I was
repurchased from her on payment of two rupees.
O Papa, the lover of devotees! When I was
about four or five years of age, like my younger
sisters, I insisted upon sleeping by the side of my
mother. My mother would then jokingly tell me,
"You are not my daughter, we have purchased
you for a price." When I wanted to know what
the meaning of this was, I was told all that had
happened when I was a baby.
O Papa who is all bliss! At the time of my
birth, plague was raging in Haliyal, and when I
was six months old my mother, Indirabai, had an
attack of plague. So all the members in my family
showered their love on me more than ever. I was
thereafter regularly lulled to sleep by my uncle. I
132
would not sleep unless a particular song was sung
for me. The first two lines of that song were:
O Krishna, what is there in your flute?
My mind gets enchanted.
When I grew up my uncle would make fun of
me by telling me of this incident.
O Papa, the embodiment of love! My father's
name was Nadgar Venkat Rao. He was also called
Venkataramaniah. He was very fond of me and I
also loved him very much. I was happy to act
according to his wishes in all matters. So I was
serving my father in various ways. Sometimes
people would remark, "You are doing your
father's work exactly as he does." Hearing this I
would be filled with joy.
O compassionate Papa! On one occasion a
friend of my father visited our home and
questioned him, "Who is there in your family
who, like yourself, will bring name and fame to
it?"
As I was helping my mother in the household
chores and also helping others in the same way
by little acts of service, my father, considering
this nature of mine, pointed out to me and said,
"It is this girl who will do it."
133
Though I did not know the full significance of
these words at the time, I was happy to know
that I was going to be like him.
O Papa, the ocean of kindness! My parents
had six children. The first one was Dattatreya, the
second was myself. After me Shanti was born,
then Mangesh and Umesh. The last one was
Sumitra.
O all-pervading Papa! We children were
separately loved by six different members of the
family. I was loved by my father and my cousin
Ammaniakka. I had great love for my brothers
and sisters and took good care of them by serving
them in many ways as instructed by my mother. I
was also scolding them and sometimes punishing
them whenever the occasion arose.
O love-incarnate Papa! Once when I was
about five years of age, my father had promised
that he would get gold bangles made for Shanti
and me. In this connection one of our relatives
said to my father, "You say often that Kutti (I was
in those days called Kutti instead of Krishnabai), is
not jealous of Shanti and she gives all things to
her. Now when you are presenting Shanti with
gold bangles first, let us see how Kutti feels about
it." My father fell in with the move.
From that day this relative would tell me in
fun, "No bangles for you. They are only for
134
Shanti." Then, with a pale face I would go to
father and ask him, "Bapa, (we used to call father
in this way), are there no bangles for me?"
My father, having no intention of saying
anything against what my relative said, and not
wishing to tell me a lie, would only say this much,
"You also will have bangles."
O Papa, in the form of my mother! After a lapse
of some days, to test me, the bangles prepared
only for Shanti were brought. At once with great
joy I asked for whom the bangles were intended.
The moment I was told that they were meant for
Shanti, with joy I ran to her and brought her to
my father and saw to it that she was given the
bangles. At this my father, without being able to
control himself said, "Look, what did I say?" A
little later my bangles also came.






135
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MY MOTHER AND FATHER
O INFINITE Papa! You in the form of my
father, possessed a very good nature. He was full
of compassion and so could not bear to see the
sufferings of others. He had also a forgiving
nature. He was once travelling by train in
connection with the installation of the image of
Dattatreya in the Nadgar Temple. The glass pane
of one of the windows of the compartment in
which he sat was broken. For this my father was
held responsible and as a penalty he had to pay a
fine of two hundred rupees. Some people had
noticed that the breakage of the glass pane was
there before my father took his seat in the
compartment. They told my father, "Keep quiet,
don't pay the fine and we will bear witness for
you."
But my father, without agreeing with them,
replied, I have to pay the railway company what
I owe them," and remained silent.
O compassionate Papa! My father was a
government officer and later became a forest
contractor. There were many men working under
him. He was earning well and was in affluent
circumstances.
136
Once, while he was going to the forest for his
work in a bullock cart, a group of thieves started
flinging stones at the cart from their hiding place.
The result was that the cartman and the bullocks
sustained many severe injuries. Thereafter the
thieves came to my father and were bent upon
killing him to gain possession of a diamond ring
which he was then wearing on one of his fingers.
My father told them that he would give them the
diamond ring of his own accord. The thieves
raised their knives to cut his throat but my father
suddenly avoided the blow from their knife by
holding up his hands against it. My father's
thumb received a severe cut and the thieves
inflicted many wounds on his body also. He gave
the diamond ring to the thieves and they took to
their heels. Even when his servants and the
people of the town offered to capture the
thieves, my father would not allow them to do so
and forgave them.
O Papa, the protector and destroyer! In my
eighth year my father got piles trouble. I liked
much to serve him. He also liked to be served by
me alone. I prayed to God that if my father
recovered his health I would do Pradakshina and
Namaskars a certain number of times. Even after
the passage of two years in this way, father's
health did not improve. On the other hand it
137
became worse. He also got fever and became
bedridden. In about eight days the illness took a
serious turn and his life was despaired of. The day
when he was to breathe his last, Durgabai, my
aunt, took us all to the room in which my father
was lying in bed, and asked us to pour Tirtha into
his mouth. I did not know the meaning of all this
and so I returned to my room and prayed to God
for my father's recovery. That very night, on 13th
January, 1914, Makara Sankranti day, my father
expired and departed to the other world. Next
day, having come to know of this calamity I was
immersed in grief. I would sit by myself with a
vacant mind.
O Papa, the protector! As we were reduced
to abject poverty, even to cremate my father's
body we confronted great difficulty. Whenever
the servants, my father had engaged, got
married, he provided them with ample means for
eking out an independent livelihood. They used
to carry on business having connection with
neighbouring villages and towns. Of these, one
was doing business in Haliyal itself by opening a
shop. This man paid ten rupees towards the
cremation of my father.
O Papa, the ocean of kindness! Prior to my
father's death, when he was laid up with illness, a
creditor was sitting near him. I then went to my
138
father and lay myself down by his side in close
touch with him. My father, who is your form,
being annoyed with me, said in a somewhat stern
voice, "You don't allow me to rest quietly even
for a moment."
I felt disgraced by this reprimand, with the
result that my love for him diminished to some
extent. Thenceforward, although I was doing all
kinds of service for him, I was not taking liberties
as before.
O ocean of grace! By bringing about this little
incident you reduced my attachment to my father
so that it would help me later in the attainment
of my oneness with your imperishable Being.
O all-pervading Papa! After the demise of my
father, my love for my mother increased
considerably. But now I was looked upon by the
people in the house with disfavour, to the same
degree as I was at one time looked upon with
favour. You, in the form of my younger aunt,
were finding fault with me in whatever I did. In
fact, as I was not doing anything wrong I would
retort angrily. Although my mother used to give
me sound advice, whenever my aunt teased me I
used to treat her with contempt.
O compassionate Papa! After I got married,
this same aunt treated me with great love.
Whenever I happened to come to my mother's
139
house at Bhatkal she fed me with delicious
dishes, washed my clothes and was never tired of
doing all kinds of service for me. She was also
doing with love all the work in the house, besides
serving my mother and those who were ill.
O Papa, lover of the devotees! My mother,
who is of course yourself, was of a guileless and
peaceful nature. She would not wound in any
way the feelings of others. She had great love for
her children. Even though she suffered from
rheumatic pains, she would not rest content
without providing things as demanded by her
children. Rarely would she chastise or scold her
children, but when she did so, it was difficult to
bear the rigour of it.
One day in my fifth or sixth year, while I was
speaking to her, I used a bad word. For this she
beat me so severely that one of my teeth was
knocked off. Still I did not promise that I would
not do so again. My mother, getting angry again,
beat me once more. At last I confessed that I was
wrong. This was the first and the last time that
my mother punished me.
O Papa, who is without birth and death! In
the house at Haliyal in which my mother dwelt,
there were about twenty-five people. My mother
was living with all of them in a friendly spirit. She
did not differentiate between the members of
140
her family and the others in the house. She
treated them all alike. Whenever she prepared
some nice eatables she would lovingly feed even
cows, dogs and cats. When preparing such
eatables, if any new guests came, she would have
them made in more than the usual quantities. It
might be because of my mother's generous
nature that, whenever she cooked nice things, on
that day there would be more than the usual
number of guests.
O Papa, the ocean of compassion! My mother
had always with her cloth pieces for blouses.
Whenever any Sumangali came to our house, she
would not be satisfied without giving her one
blouse piece, and if there were children she
would give them gifts of money.
My mother stayed with her brother at Bhatkal
until her sons got employed. Then she lived with
them in Bombay until her death in the year 1941.





141
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REMINISCENCES
O ALL-PERVADING Papa! In my fifth year I
was sent to school for my education. The timings
of the school were from seven in the morning till
ten, and in the afternoon from two to five. I was
good at arithmetic and other subjects, but
backward in reading lessons in the class.
O immanent Papa! Once when I was about to
start with my mother for Bhatkal I playfully raised
myself on the dwarf compound-wall in the lane
but slipped down and received a hard knock on
my forehead as it struck against the stone of the
wall. The result was that when I returned from
Bhatkal and attended school, my memory had so
far weakened that I could not remember the
lessons taught to me. So my father engaged a
private tutor to teach me arithmetic at home, but
all efforts to teach me proved futile. One day the
teacher at school, getting angry with me, looked
at me and exclaimed in a tone of derision, "You
ass, you don't learn whatever is taught to you!"
At this insult I got wild and stopped attending
school from that day. At that time I was reading
in the fourth standard and my age was eight
142
years. Thenceforward I joined my mother heartily
in her household work.
O compassionate Papa! Sometimes I used to
be in the company of my girl friends and cooked
food in small vessels. In due course, I got a desire
to prepare food for all the people at home. Since
there were in all about twenty-five members and
for cooking and other work there were people
engaged, it was not possible for me to cook for all
the people at home. Therefore, whenever I got
the opportunity, I would visit the neighbouring
houses and, after cooking for them as instructed,
return home.
O gracious Papa! The eatables I liked most
were sweets and pancakes made of rice flour. I
was extremely fond of sweetened saffron rice. I
would be happy if I was given rice mixed with a
little ghee and sugar daily. If on any day I was not
provided with this kind of food I would get upset
and cry. Then my father would instruct my
mother to get me the food I wanted. I would not
touch the food given to me without it being first
offered as Naivedya to the family deity. To be
assured that it was offered to the deity, there
ought to be in it a Tulsi leaf.
O Papa, the infinite Being! When I was a girl I
was afraid of animals, yet I had great reverence
for cows. In our house at Haliyal we had about
143
fifteen cows. Father would feed them with great
affection. At feeding time he would invariably
stand near the cows.
O Papa, the ocean of compassion! When I
grew up I had no opportunity of keeping cows.
When I was at Sirsi and the desire for a Guru was
keen in me, before I came to you I did
Pradakshina of a cow in the house and prayed to
her for a Guru. As though in fulfilment of my
prayer to the cow, I came to you and accepted
you as my Guru, with the result that by realising
my oneness with your immortal Being, I attained
everlasting bliss.
O infinite Papa! When things were going on
like this, poverty stepped into our house.
Formerly, my father used to give large amounts
of money on loans or in charities, but now he had
to seek the shelter and help of others. My father,
finding that I was fit to assume the responsibility
of taking care of money, entrusted me with the
keys of the money-box. On this account one of
my cousins, who was none other than yourself,
treated me with aversion.
O love-incarnate Papa! It was the custom in
the family that before going to bed in the upper
storey of the house, some elderly person would
tell us stories from the Puranas daily and we used
to listen to them. As for me, while listening to the
144
stories of the Puranas, I would get drowsy and go
to sleep.
O Papa, the wonderful player! One day my
cousin came to tell us stories. The key given by
my father I used to hang on a string around my
neck. That night the key disappeared. Next day
we had to break open the box and found that my
mother's ear ornament and the gold rings of the
children were stolen. At once I came to know
who the thief was. As I was then only nine years
old I knew that nobody would believe my word.
So I kept quiet. Then my cousin, who was none
other than yourself, remarked, "This is what
happens when the keys are entrusted to
children."
O Papa, who is without beginning and end!
After my father passed away we continued to
stay at Haliyal for a year. At this time the
management of the house was in the hands of
my maternal uncle. Many household articles
were now disappearing. When things in the
house were thus being stolen, the police
inspector, finding out that my cousin was
committing the thefts, asked us to hand him over
to the police. As my mother had a tender corner
in her heart for him, she told him to run away to
a nearby village early the next morning. As
145
directed by my mother, he left us and reached
the village.
O Papa, the saviour! As I was for a long time
suspicious about him, now, taking advantage of
his absence I thought of breaking open his box to
see what things were in it. But I did not know
how to do so. At last, with the help of a man-
servant, I broke the lock of the box and
discovered in it all the stolen articles, including
my mother's ear ornament and the gold rings of
the children. Moreover, we also found in it the
key that was stolen. I shouted that the thief was
found out. Then my mother, scolding me, asked
me to put into the box all the stolen articles I had
taken out. But on my insistence and as suggested
by the neighbours, she agreed to my removing
from the box her ear ornaments.
My cousin returned the same evening. When
he came to know what had happened in his
absence he became angry with me and scolded
me. Eventually, thinking that it was not proper for
him to remain any longer in our home and
knowing also that he was at fault, he left Haliyal
for his native place.
O all-loving Papa! Shantiakka, wife of my
father's elder brother, had the vision of Avadhuta
Dattatreya. Her daughter Saraswatiakka was also
a great devotee of God. Both of them were
146
widows and they stayed in the Nadgar Temple at
Bhatkal, spending their time in Puja, Japa and
Bhajan. Shantiakka has composed in the Marathi
language many devotional songs. After she
renounced her body, her daughter Saraswatiakka
continued to live in the same temple, carrying out
all the daily routines without fail as set by her
mother. After her passing away, her devotees and
Nadgar Mangesh have been in charge of the
management of the temple.
O Papa, the ocean of grace! After we came to
Bhatkal and started living there, Saraswatiakka
was helping us as much as she could. It was she
who fixed up my marriage alliance with Kalle
Lakshman Rao. It was again she who celebrated
my marriage in the Nadgar Temple with great
pomp. But at the time of the marriage I was
inwardly grieving over my departed father and
also over the poverty- stricken state of my
mother, brothers and sisters. So the grandeur of
the marriage, far from giving me joy, inflicted
only pangs of grief in my heart.
O all-immanent Papa! Lakshman Rao was the
second son of Kalle Annappayya and Anasuyakka.
He and his elder brother, Dr. Rama Rao, loved
each other like Rama and Lakshmana. They had
also two other brothers, namely, Umanath and
Shankar. Kalle Annappayya was the headmaster
147
of a high school in Kundapur and other places. He
was of a very peaceful nature and had no quarrel
with anybody. Even for his children he had not
any care or anxiety. His wife Anasuyakka, when
she was only eighteen years old, had received
initiation from a Mahatma and was performing
her daily religious duties regularly. She was
spending most of her time in listening to the
Puranas and performing worship. She was
rendering help to her people at home and others
with money and medicines as much as was in her
power to do so. For bringing happiness to others
she would work hard. After her husband died she
was carrying out the same daily routine but was
going on pilgrimages more than before. She has
been for some time now living in Anandashram.
O Papa, giver of bliss! After my marriage and
before I joined my husband, for some time I lived
in Karkal in the company of my husband's elders
and then I went to Bombay. In Bombay I was
happy in every way. My husband Lakshman Rao
and his elder brother, Dr. Rama Rao, loved each
other so much that Dr. Rama Rao's wife, Sundari
and myself were to each other like sisters.
O all-immanent Papa! Lakshman Rao, who
was none other than yourself, used to provide me
with all things even before I thought of having
them. But I did not want all those things.
148
Whenever I remembered my mother's home I
would with great agitation say to myself, "Oh!
How poor they are! They haven't got anything." I
had then a strong desire that I should send some
aid to them. When I once opened my heart at
home in this respect, the people did not
condescend to fulfil my wish but opposed it. So I
was very much pained at heart. But I did not
reveal my sorrow to anybody and suffered
silently. When I was at meals eating delicious
food, I would remember my brothers and sisters
and find it difficult to eat. Yet, there were many
occasions when I sent things to my mother's
home by stealth, but I was not happy over this.
When at any time I went to my mother's place
and returned, my mind used to be torn with grief
for their sake. Knowing this, my husband would
not permit me to stay long at my mother's home.
O universal Papa! In our home we were in all
about eight or ten souls. Although others praised
me, Anasuyakka's sister was deliberately hard on
me; she was finding fault with whatever I did and
was persecuting me. For about two years I bore
everything patiently. By this she became more
and more irascible in her attitude towards me,
instead of being mollified. This treatment which
she meted out to me, gave room for grief to
others in the house.
149
When things were going on like this, one of
the relatives at home told me that if I did not give
her suitable retorts he would himself fight with
her on my behalf. I did not like this and so I took
up the cudgels myself and started quarrelling
with her. The result was that my life thereafter
was filled with bitterness. But gradually she
realised her mistake and began to love me and
even asked me to forgive her for her past
conduct. On my part I also asked her pardon for
my mistakes. Thenceforth, we lived together
harmoniously like mother and daughter.
O Papa, the beginningless and endless! in my
sixteenth year Ganesh was born and in my
eighteenth year Narayan. As paid workers were
engaged to look after the children, I had not
much work to do for them. Ganesh and Narayan
had greater love for their father than for me. The
father also was very fond of them.
Ganesh and Narayan were attracting not only
the people at home but also the casual visitors
who came to our house.
O Papa, the ocean of kindness! We had
wished that my third confinement should also
take place in Bombay itself. My mother and
junior maternal uncle came to Bombay to see me
as I was then unwell. Since I had not gone to my
mother's home for three years, they pressed me
150
to accompany them when they were returning.
As my husband knew beforehand about his
approaching death he asked me not to go with
them. He said something to this effect but I did
not grasp it at that time. When I told him that I
did not understand what he said, he did not
repeat it. Assuring my husband that I would
return within a month, I resolved to go to
Bhatkal, escorted by my uncle, mother and sister
Shanti. Seeing my stubbornness, my husband
said, "Without cause you are thinking of your
mother's place and feeling miserable. You are
inviting trouble for yourself. You will know later
what kind of love those people have for you."
Guessing that my children who would be
going with me might not be looked after well, he
sent his mother Anasuyakka with me to take care
of them. So Anasuyakka accompanied us to
Bhatkal. But she lived in Bhatkal only for a short
time and proceeded to Puttur for the Darshan of
a Mahatma.
O Papa, the infinite! Whenever I came to
Bhatkal, each time I prepared to return to
Bombay, my junior maternal uncle would prevent
me from going by giving one reason or the other.
This time he deliberately postponed the
Upanayanam ceremony of my brother Umesh for
151
which I was obliged to stay, and so he prevented
me from going to Bombay.
O Papa who is all kindness! Meanwhile, my
husband's health in Bombay deteriorated and his
death was fast approaching. On the day of the
Upanayanam we received two wires from Dr.
Rama Rao, one conveying the sorrowful news of
my husband's death and the other of condolence.
At the time I was feeling physically tired and
depressed and was almost the whole day lying in
bed. Only the following day my mother gave me
the sad news. The shocking information created a
void in my life. It appeared to me that I had
turned an orphan, helpless and destitute, thrown
away, as it were, into the streets. And it was
some time before I wept and gave myself away to
grief. My grief was all the more intense because I
did not act up to my husband's words before
leaving Bombay and also because, in spite of his
having hinted to me of his approaching death, I
could not be present at his deathbed.
O compassionate Papa! After the death of my
husband I began to sense something wrong with
the nature of my junior maternal uncle who is, of
course, yourself in that form. My erstwhile
impression that of all maternal uncles, he was the
only good man and worthy to be respected in
every way, received a shock and in my heart
152
arose a wave of hatred towards him. His love for
us was similar to the love of the Kauravas for the
Pandavas. He had the intention of getting money
from my husband and spending it as he liked. As
this did not happen, he began slandering my
husband. He was also getting angry with me
because my husband did not help his mother-in-
law's people with money. At this I was roused and
asked him, "How much have you helped your
father-in-law? As for me, I have helped my
mother secretly with more than two thousand
rupees."
O love-incarnate Papa! On account of the
reprehensible behaviour of my junior maternal
uncle I decided to go to Dr. Rama Rao's house for
my confinement, giving up the desire to live any
longer in my mother's home. But on Dr. Rama
Rao's advice that I would be asked to come to his
house only after the confinement, I had to remain
there only. There was reason for this. My junior
maternal uncle, in order to prevent me from
leaving Bhatkal and in order to make Anasuyakka,
Dr. Rama Rao and Sundari not to love me, was
going to a sorcerer and bringing from him
something, infusing into it an evil power. So the
correspondence from Sundari gradually lessened.
I did not know anything about this at that time.
153
O infinite Papa! It was a well known fact that
every time I went to my mother's home, this
uncle of mine was always putting obstacles in the
way of my returning to Bombay. I would stay
normally at my mother's home for not less than a
week and not more than a month every time,
whereas this time I was obliged to stay there for
about five months. I could not bear with patience
any more the trouble I was subjected to by this
uncle and did not mind even if my delivery took
place in the streets. I went to the length of even
going away alone from the house for about a
furlong. The people at home all got frightened
and my maternal grandmother came running to
me, assuring me, "In future we will not do
anything to displease you."
So I returned home. From that time, however
naughty Ganesh and Narayan were, nobody at
home interfered with them. If any one spoke
disparagingly about my husband, children or me, I
would get furious like a tigress. As a result,
nobody would raise a voice about me one way or
the other.
O Papa, the very ocean of compassion! On
account of the intolerable harshness of the uncle
and the grief due to the passing away of my
husband, I wished for a premature delivery. With
this object I started eating all kinds of hot and
154
pungent foods. It so happened that the female
child that was born died within a month.
Two months after my delivery, when I started
with Anasuyakka to go to Belgaum, it was not
possible for me to catch the steamer and we had
to return home from the port. From this I came to
know the secret work of my uncle. He called me
once to his room with a view to speak to me
about something. Truly, I had no mind to go to his
room, but my mother told me that there was
nothing to fear and she would also be there, and
so I consented. When I went inside his room I
found something in his hand. I suddenly came out
fearing that he was about to do some evil to me.
Then I remembered all the happenings of the
past brought about by him by the power of
Mantras.
O blissful Papa! When I was at Bhatkal I came
to know the real nature of my uncle from my
acquaintances also. He was a drunkard. Besides,
he used to boast that he was maintaining the
family by earning money with the sweat of his
brow. In fact, this was false. During his lifetime
my father had given to some people loans of
about thirty thousand rupees. He had also
borrowed from other parties about the same
amount. As after his death, father's debtors
returned the money loaned out to them and
155
some of his creditors did not claim their money
borrowed by my father, we had enough funds for
our maintenance. But my uncle made us believe
that we were in poverty. No doubt, my uncle,
who had left his job, was exerting himself in
recovering from the debtors the money they
owed to my father. But he was using a good part
of it for his vices. So the household was run with
great difficulty.
O compassionate Papa! Anasuyakka came to
take me to Belgaum. Then my maternal uncle
tried to persuade me through Anasuyakka to stay
at Bhatkal only. But as I did not agree, I started to
proceed with the children in the company of
Anasuyakka and also Shanti who was to go to
Bombay. In a disturbed mood I made a resolution
that after leaving Ganesh and Narayan in the care
of Dr. Rama Rao, as soon as I got down from the
steamboat at Goa, I would jump into the sea and
put an end to my life. But by your will, as the
attention of both Dr. Rama Rao (who had come
to receive me), and Shanti was on me, it was not
possible to carry out my plan.
O merciful Papa! I had profound attachment
for my relatives on my mother's side, and among
them I had a kind of veneration for the maternal
uncle. It was indeed difficult to free myself from
this maze of attachment. Compassionate as you
156
are, making them play a crooked game in various
ways, you liberated me from the bonds of my
attachment to them. You enabled me thus at a
future date to realise my oneness with your
eternal Being.
O all-pervading Papa! Dr. Rama Rao and his
wife Sundari were tending to my children and
myself, when we were in their home, with all love
just as they treated their own children. Those
who observed the love they showered on Ganesh
and Narayan would have found it difficult to
make out the difference between their children
and mine. Sundari's daughter Indu was very fond
of me, so much so that when I was in her
company she would not feel the absence of her
own mother. She would be upset if I were not
with her. When I was chanting Ram Nam she
would quietly sleep on my lap for a long time.
O all-pervading Papa! In this manner I spent
about eight years in their home, loved by all as if
we really belonged to one united family. The
education of Ganesh and Narayan was gone
through with their help only. Even to this day
Ganesh and Narayan are loved and protected
with care by them.


157
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ABOUT SAINTS
O LOVE-INCARNATE Papa! The company of
Dr. Rama Rao and Sundari helped me a great deal
in attaining my oneness with your infinite Being
and the resultant immortal bliss. As Dr. Rama Rao
had to go to foreign countries, Sundari came to
Kasaragod along with me and the children to
reside in her parents home. It was here that I
obtained your Darshan.
O Papa who is pervading the entire universe!
When I first came to you with Sundari I was
thinking that the family members alone were
mine. Then you taught me how to love the whole
universe while residing at home. Thereafter,
when I remained with you always, freeing me
from body-consciousness, you gave me the
realisation that I was the universe itself, and the
consciousness of my oneness with you. As I
describe all the different good or defective parts
of my body as "I" and "mine", in the same way,
when I realise the whole universe as "I", I
describe the good and bad qualities I see in it as
"I" and "mine".
O Purushottam Papa! Just as I was looking
after the needs of my body and providing it with
158
whatever was necessary at regular hours, though
at first I felt that the body was myself from head
to foot while really I was different from it,
similarly even knowing that I am the entire
universe and also beyond it, and having the
awareness that I am one with your omnipresent
Being, whenever occasion arises I perform the
service of all people taking them as "I" and
"mine". O Papa, manifesting yourself as the
cosmos and playing in various ways, you are still
changeless and transcendent! Victory to you!
Victory to you! Victory to you!
O Papa, the giver of bliss! From my childhood
I was afraid of Sadhus and saints. When we were
living at Haliyal, a saint was coming to our house.
He had a long beard and moustache and I used to
tremble with fear whenever I saw him. He was a
hot tempered person. He was orthodox in his
ways and if children touched him after his bath
he would fly into a rage and frighten them. So we
were afraid to approach him.
O all-pervading Papa! When I was about
twelve years old I had gone to Bhatkal. Here at
that time a saint had come to Nadgar Temple.
Whenever I saw a saint, whoever he might be, I
would question my elders, "Why do you call him
a saint? Why do they think of God? Why does
God love them so much? Why are people doing
159
Namaskars to them? Why should people become
their disciples? Particularly I want to know why
women become their disciples." In this manner I
would ask questions like pouring rain.
To this the elders would reply, "A saint is God
Himself Because they are always remembering
God, He has great love for them. One should not
have any doubts about them. If you speak ill of a
saint, you commit sin and have to go to hell."
Then I would immediately ask, "What do you
mean by hell?"
Then they would answer, "The messengers of
Yama would throw those who commit sin into
hell and give them dire punishment." To confirm
what they said, they would show pictures
depicting how a soul which committed sins
suffered. Consequently, whenever any kind of
disparaging thought about saints came to me, I
would feel a sense of fear and try my best to
dispel that thought.
O universally-pervading Papa! Even then,
sometimes when the elders talked among
themselves about certain happenings in relation
to saints, their words would fall into my ears.
The saint who had come to Bhatkal was
getting his disciples under his power and was
treating them harshly. He would tell them,
"When a Guru says in the day that it is night, and
160
in the night that it is day, the disciple should
implicitly agree to it. The persecution by the Guru
should not be considered by the disciple as
persecution. If you have any doubt about the
Guru you are sure to go to hell."
In this way he was instructing his disciples in
strong words. He was also giving no end of
trouble to his female disciples. After waving Arati
before the deity he would place the hot Arati
plate on their thighs. Still the disciples would
patiently bear the pain inflicted by him, having in
view the one aspiration to have the Darshan of
God. After coming to know about all this I was
afraid of saints. If you happened to come in the
forms of these saints to the temple I would flee
from there.
O Papa, who is an ocean of grace! By the time I
reached the age of twenty-five I had heard about
many saints of this type. The reports about them
produced in my heart a feeling of disgust for
them. Fearing that by harbouring such thoughts I
might be committing a sin, I would try my best to
keep away such thoughts. The more I was afraid
of bad thoughts about them, the more I used to
hear from my elders about their unrighteous
ways. If anyone praised a certain saint, then, after
he got up and left the place, another would come
and, sitting in the same place, speak of the evil
161
doings of the same saint. Listening to all these
talks I felt that I should not have either reverence
or irreverence for saints. I was afraid that if I
conceived veneration for them I might go to them
and get entangled in their nets. Therefore,
whenever I saw Sadhus or saints, without going
near them I would do Namaskar to them from a
distance.





















162
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TRIALS OF A WOMAN
O BLISSFUL Papa!I came to believe that those
who pose as saints, instead of living an
unrighteous life in the garb of Sannyasins, getting
women under their control and following the
path of Adharma, would do better if they lived a
normal worldly life.
O compassionate Papa! From my childhood I
had seen several such saints. Instead of seeing in
them, as described in books, equal vision,
absence of attachment, no desire to accumulate
wealth and such other qualities, I found they
were prey to frailties such as likes and dislikes,
and they lived an objectionable life worse than
those who were involved in worldly life.
O Papa, the ocean of kindness! In my
eighteenth year I had received initiation of a
Mantra from Sri Tammanna Sastri, a disciple of Sri
Gondavali Maharaj. Although this saint was
worthy of reverence, I was afraid of talking to him
familiarly. I felt at the time that it was enough for
me to do the Japa remaining at home; even if I
did not get the Darshan of God, I should see that
my honour was safe guarded.
163
O kindness-incarnate Papa! In order to free
my mind from these doubts about saints which I
harboured in my mind from girlhood, you
brought me to the Ashram of Sri Siddharudha
Swami. Although Sri Siddharudha Swami was
carefully accumulating wealth, I had intense
devotion and reverence for him. You converted
me into an innocent child and dispelled all my
doubts.
O all pervading Papa! Thus you liberated me
from the maze of doubts in order to absorb me
into your eternal Being; and with a view to
bringing about this fulfilment you placed me in
such a situation that it might be termed as
between the devil and the deep sea. My position
was this: if I remained at home I would be
pursued by a perverted G. S. and would have to
struggle for the protection of my chastity. On the
other hand, if I left the home I was afraid of
facing ruin by falling into the trap of unprincipled
men.
O love-incarnate Papa! Now, realising that it
was impossible for me to safeguard my physical
purity while remaining at home, placing all my
faith in you, I mentally renounced the home and
started coming to you. From that day G. S. could
not in any way molest me. As I had surrendered
myself completely to you, I became free from all
164
anxiety, just as a child would feel in the arms of
its mother.
O omnipresent Papa! Before I renounced the
home, the moment I thought of such
renunciation I reflected what my fate would be if
I could not protect my chastity even after coming
to you. Having come to know of my state of mind,
you spoke to the devotees who were sitting
around, "If you wish to accept Ramdas as your
Guru, you should test him well before doing so."
In this way you dispelled the doubts that were
arising in my mind.
O Papa, the lover of devotees! Ultimately I
renounced the household life. By my remaining
with you, you were subjected to adverse criticism
by people but, compassionate as you are, you
granted me the realisation of your immortal
Being and removed totally from my mind all bad
thoughts about so called Mahatmas and also the
fear of my being led astray by their contact. You
thereby made me eternally happy.
O all-pervading Papa! After I realised your
real Being and during the time I was carrying on
my acts of service in Anandashram here, G. S.
came here also. I was under the impression that
he must have given up his bad habits, but some
people who travelled with him in the same
steamboat told me about his ways. Seeing that he
165
had still not freed himself from his bad ways, I got
extremely angry and in your presence spoke to
him in stinging and contemptuous words. I told
him that he should not in future step into the
Ashram, and I further asked his friend, in whose
company he came, not to bring this person when
he came here the next time. From that time we
have had no news of G. S.
O Purushottam Papa! When you wished to
bring me into the world you gave me birth as a
female, and therefore put me in the bondage of
being always under the shelter of others.
Moreover, you did not give me any education,
nor had I any desire for learning in order to eke
out my livelihood independently. On the
contrary, when I was still young, you made me
experience the happiness and suffering of worldly
life, gave me children and also widowhood. In the
case of widows, it is difficult for them to maintain
themselves and to protect their physical purity.
But how was it possible for one like me to live a
life encumbered with children, under the care of
others? However, you granted me the good
fortune to live under the shelter of relatives like
Dr. Rama Rao and Sundari who were to me like
my own father and mother.
O Papa who is everywhere and yet transcendent!
Keeping in view the prospect of merging myself
166
soon into your infinite Being, I underwent with
patience all the bitterness and sufferings in my
life. Furthermore, I became also the victim of the
persecution of evil-minded and carnally mad
people. But after I received the Guru Mantra
from you and came under your refuge, however
much people tried to dishonour me, protector of
the helpless as you are, you saved me from the
annoyance of such people.




















167
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GURU AND DISCIPLES
O PAPA, the bestower of bliss! In order to
realise your supreme Self, you at first lived the
life of a worldly man and then, remaining in it,
you remembered God. Only after the experience
that your family and the universe were one was
stabilized, that you renounced your home and
passed through various struggles and tribulations.
Similarly, you made me remain in the family and
granted me the vision that the universe itself was
mine, and to go from one place to another was to
go from one room to another in the same house.
It was only after I attained this state that you
inspired me from within to renounce my home.
Also you tested me by bringing into my life
innumerable trials and difficulties.
Compassionate as you are, without my being fully
conscious of it, you made me pass through all the
adverse situations and then merged me into your
eternal Being.
O gracious Papa! After great struggle I
became one with your Being. Still, as I was a
woman and people saw me in your company,
they entertained suspicion about you, who are so
pure and worshipful. The joy which would have
168
welled up in their hearts by your Darshan failed
the moment they saw me with you. I had
believed that by my staying with you it would
prove helpful for people to realise your immortal
Being. But my association with you produced an
entirely different result, with the consequence
that many devotees did not make any progress in
their Sadhana to experience their oneness with
you. Therefore, I did not accompany you during
your tours from 1936 to 1938. But as you were
advancing in age, your health suffered and in
order to take care of your body I had to
accompany you on the later tours. On account of
this, the minds of men constricted and I was
pained at heart to see that their progress towards
the attainment of your eternal Being was
hampered.
O all-pervading Papa! If the people who came
to you were blessed by you with a keen desire to
realise your eternal Being, looking upon you as
the mother of the universe and themselves as
little children, they would not have seen in you
any kind of blemish.
O Purushottam Papa! When you created the
world, you brought into being countless animate
and inanimate beings. There are innumerable
creatures which are not within our knowledge,
and you have placed the human race at the head
169
of creation, giving it the power of reason and
feeling, so that people may be able to procure
what they wanted. In order to carry out your
creative activities, you have implanted in the
hearts of the majority of them a desire to enjoy
ephemeral pleasures instead of aspiring for
eternal happiness.
O omnipresent Papa! With the object of
giving these people eternal happiness you have,
assuming the form of Gurus, established Maths,
Ashrams and temples and bound them by the
restrictions of caste, sect, etc. Just as the mother
protects the child from going astray by setting
limitations on it, so also, changeless, formless and
motionless Truth as you are, you have assumed
the human form of Guru and are protecting
everybody by instituting rules and regulations so
that they may easily merge themselves in your
true, eternal and immortal Being.
O universal Papa! Having manifested yourself
in Maths, Ashrams and temples, you have made
unshakable the faith of those who approach you
with devotion and love, by fulfilling their physical
and mental needs. When they come to you with
the aspiration for attaining immortal happiness
even that you give them.
O Papa, the giver of bliss! In order to enable
them to love the entire universe, you have
170
manifested yourself in the forms of Gurus in
different communities, to teach them first to love
their relatives and then their community. So their
love for the family and community would
therefrom expand and unconsciously encircle the
town and the state. In this way, when it takes a
still wider range, you teach them to love the
entire universe. In a similar manner, teaching
them to love the whole universe, you absorb
them into your infinite Being and thereafter grant
them the awareness that they are not only the
universe but also beyond it.
O beginningless and endless Papa! Why have
you established Maths, temples and Ashrams?
Who is a Guru and a saint? As you prompted me
to think on these lines, I was subjected to many
doubts about them from my childhood.
Saraswatiakka, my cousin, was living in the
Bhatkal Nadgar Temple. You, in her form, were
loving her disciples more than her family
members. I was wondering why this should
happen. Moreover, Srimat Pandurangashram
Swami, who is yourself, when giving Tirtha, was
being offered money by the devotees. Why
should they offer him money? Why should he
receive it and also the yearly tithe? These
questions were also rising in my mind.
171
When I asked the elders about these matters,
they replied, "The Swamiji is receiving money
from us for our uplift. If we give him money we
obtain devotion for God. Besides, we are blessed
with health, progeny and prosperity."
Thus, my doubts having disappeared, my
reverence for Srimat Pandurangashram Swami
remained firm. Now I have understood that what
Saraswatiakka did was right. As it is the nature of
the eye to look more and more at things that
please it, and the ear to hear more and more the
sounds that please it, so also it is the nature of
the family man to love his own family members
more than others, and it is the nature of the
Gurus and gods to love their disciples and
devotees more than others, as they are pleased
and drawn towards them (the disciples and
devotees) by their love and devotion.










172
- 28 -
SELF-SURRENDER
O INFINITE Papa! When I was a child, yourself
in the form of my father used to say, whenever
he helped his relatives, "By your command". I
could not at the time understand the meaning of
the word "command". But when I grew up and
went to Srimat Pandurangashram Swami, who is
your form, I observed that all the people who
came to see him were using this word out of
respect for him. It is possible that my father was
also using this word out of respect for Srimat
Pandurangashram Swami when he went for his
Darshan.
Srimat Pandurangashram Swami treated all
the members of the community of which he was
the spiritual head with love, as a father would his
own children. In the same manner my father was
helping, as much as possible, his poor and
helpless relatives as his own children, until they
were able to stand on their own feet.
O ocean of kindness! The love that my father
learnt through Srimat Pandurangashram Swami
was extended not merely to his relatives but also
to guests and the paid servants in the house. For
example, in our house there was then a servant
173
by name Buddhiya, belonging to Buddha's
religion. He was engaged for bringing water from
the well for the household use. When father saw
Buddhiya tired after his work was over, he would
pat him on the back and ask, "Are you very much
tired?" And he would talk to him with all
tenderness and love. In those days usually the
servants were not treated well. When my father
spoke to them lovingly, their fatigue would
disappear and they would feel happy. Whenever I
saw father speaking to anybody with love, my joy
would be boundless. So I was very keenly
watching his way of treating the servants and also
the visitors. My observation of father's loving
nature helped me in my internal progress and
elevation.
O Papa, the ocean of grace! Even after paying
visits to the Math of Sri Siddharudha Swami I did
not give up my doubts about his accumulation of
wealth or about saints having more love for one
and less for another. As my mind had become
just like that of a child, the moment I came into
your presence, love and reverence automatically
sprang up in my heart. Even then, sometimes
when I saw you in the form of saints, I was
troubled by these doubts about them. Therefore,
I was not able to understand the behaviour of
174
saints. Although I had love for them, yet I was
afraid of them.
O all-pervading Papa! Gradually, increasing in
my heart the power of love in order to dispel my
doubts, you drew me to yourself. At the time, you
were free from anger and had no attachment to
anything. You had also no habit of storing up
things. Whenever I brought to you eatables or
clothes from Sundari, you were no doubt
accepting them, but the next time I came to you,
you were not in possession of them.
You were preaching, "You ought to see Ram
in both good and evil. He is in both and also
beyond both. He is without beginning and end.
He is static, immutable, omnipresent, immanent
and transcendent. He is ever immutable and also
ever changing. The embodiment of love is He.
The embodiment of hate is also He. Yet He is
beyond both. Therefore, whether we see good or
evil, we ought to see Ram in both. In all bodies
and forms the player is He."
This is what you taught and I was thrown into
confusion. I could not make out the meaning
when you said, "One should have both good and
bad in him, and also he must be beyond both as
otherwise he cannot be complete or perfect." But
I saw very little of bad in you. Besides, in the
saints I met, even though it be for raising us, they
175
had the nature of accumulating things and were
also giving themselves away to wrath. But I found
that you were lacking in these qualities. Then in
whom should I have faith? From whom should I
keep away?
O compassionate Papa! Feeling that if I
remained entangled in these doubts I would not
be able to realise the state beyond the pairs of
opposites, you in so many forms, pestered me
with a view to break my vow of chastity and thus
paved the way for me to come out from the
fetters of the household life. Understanding that
if I got entrapped in the pairs of opposites, my
state would be like that of one who stood with
each foot in a separate boat, I decided to follow
your advice and go forward on the path. Now,
whenever the opposites confused me I would
place the matter before you. Then, in consoling
words you would tell me, "Do the Japa of Ram
Nam without stoppage. If the pairs of opposites
harass you, take them as Ram Himself."
In this way, as I marched on the path, I
attained the experience that you pervaded all
beings and also dwelt in me. Then in my heart
awakened perfect love for you.
O Papa, the giver of bliss! By augmenting my love
for you, you made me one with your eternal
Being, followed by the experience that I am the
176
whole universe and also beyond it. Now I came to
know the secret of the pairs of opposites which
held me in their clutches almost from my birth.


























177
- 29 -
ANANDASHRAM LIFE
O PAPA, who is the entire universe and
beyond! Now in my dynamic being I am
maintaining with you the relationship of that of a
child towards its mother, but without any sense
of duality. While in body consciousness, that is,
before realisation, I did not feel any sense of
duality between myself and the different parts of
my body when I said, "my hands, my legs, etc." So
also now, after realising that I am the entire
universe and beyond it, I consider you as my
Universal Mother even though you and I are one.
Whoever did anything right, you were the
inspirer. Whoever did anything wrong, there
again you were the inspirer. But I did not know
this before I became one with your immortal
Being. I have given before this the names of those
who did right and those who did wrong. At this
stage I feel I should not mention anybody's name
(except yours and mine), while narrating further
all the events that happened from the time we
started the activities of Anandashram.
O Papa, the embodiment of compassion! In
order to begin the work of universal love and
universal service, on the 15th of May, 1931 you
178
started Anandashram near Kanhangad. The
opening celebration of the Ashram was held with
great eclat.
O universal Papa! While you were making me
do all the necessary Sadhana for merging me in
your eternal Being, for the protection of my body
and for the enlightenment of my mind, you alone
were doing everything necessary for me. When
you were starting the work of the Ashram,
whoever came with the sole object of realising
your immortal Being, it was my wish that the task
of both protecting his body and purifying his mind
should not entirely rest on your shoulders and
that I should be helpful to you in looking after
their physical needs and that you should have
only the work of raising them for the realisation
of your eternal Self.
O love-incarnate Papa! With this aim, at the
beginning you instituted a programme of one
hour of Bhajan in the morning and one hour in
the evening. Besides, if devotees came to the
Ashram for performing Bhajan, you suggested to
them to have their Bhajan at other times.
Moreover, you fixed up the reading of scriptures
for one hour during the day and one hour at
night. At other times you were discoursing on
what Sadhanas one should do to attain Self-
realisation and how one should face obstacles on
179
the path. In the course of the talk you would
quote appropriate examples. You in the form of
many devotees came to the Ashram with a strong
desire to realise their oneness with your eternal
Being. Most of the devotees of the same village in
which the Ashram stands and also from nearby
towns were coming to the Ashram. Again, you in
the form of some young men who lived in far-off
places, gave up their employment and joined the
Ashram as Sadhakas.
O omnipresent Papa! At this time for our
food we used to have coffee and eatables in the
morning, and in the noon Kanji and curry. We
were cooking these eatables in earthen vessels.
At night we used to take diluted milk and any
fruit, if available. If we had no fruit we would
prepare some eatable. All the Ashram work was
done by the inmates. Those who came as visitors
from distant places had to do their own work and
if time permitted they rendered service to the
Ashram.
O Papa, the giver of bliss! In this manner,
having arranged the work for the body and mind,
you in the form of the Sadhakas progressed
rapidly on the spiritual path and so their minds
had a great uplift. They were fully satisfied with
all that we did for them and were listening to
your spiritual advice with faith and enthusiasm,
180
thereby advancing on the path rapidly. You gave
them a strong aspiration to realise your eternal
Being in this birth itself. As they listened to your
words their hearts would be flooded with joy. In
your presence they would experience an
indescribable bliss. They were listening with
attention to your words, sitting for Bhajan, doing
Sadhana and rendering service to you in various
ways, without being tired and with all
earnestness. So as days passed, you made their
minds rise to higher and higher planes.
O peaceful Papa! Now it so happened that
you in the forms of several people of this village
and other places spread false reports regarding
your sudden abandonment of the Kasaragod
Ashram. These gradually fell into the ears of the
Sadhakas as they went on Ashram work to
Mangalore or other places and happened to be in
the company of the persons who were spreading
such rumours. Although you in the forms of these
Sadhakas knew all that had happened in the
Kasaragod Ashram, as they were keen on
realising their oneness with the eternal Being,
what they had heard did not affect them so much
at first. Now, though you had made their minds
pure as a result of their Sadhana, when they
heard these reports their minds gradually
became impure, just as when a colour is mixed in
181
pure and sparkling water. You did not enable
them to see you in both good and evil. Their
minds became defiled because you made them
see you only in the good and not in the evil.
Thus you made them forget with what
purpose they came to the Ashram, giving up their
families, and what they should principally do. The
mind does not rise as rapidly as it falls down.
Their minds, which you had to some extent made
to ascend to higher planes of consciousness, were
brought down by you in a short time. Till then
you were making them do all the work with
enthusiasm, seeing greatness in all that we did
and setting a high value on them. Now you made
them find in our same activities faults and
shortcomings. Whatever we did for them was
looked upon with disfavour.
O all-pervading Papa! In spite of this, you
inspired the Sadhakas to treat you with love and
reverence. You were found always in their
company, giving them advice for their spiritual
advancement. As for me, I was serving them with
the same love with which I served you. But just as
eating more food than necessary results in
indigestion and illness, similarly you made my
unstinted service rendered to them and my over-
kindness, bring about their fall instead of raising
their minds.
182
There was one among the young Sadhakas
whose mind had dropped to such a degree that
he was found always going about with women.
Noticing this, I taunted him so that he might walk
on the right path. You also became aware of his
behaviour and suggested, for his benefit, that he
might live in solitude and so arranged for his stay
for Sadhana in a house near the Ashram. Even
then, when you found that he had not improved,
you had to send him away from the Ashram.
O infinite Papa! When you discovered that
the minds of the Sadhakas, instead of improving,
were day by day descending to levels lower than
what they were when they first came to the
Ashram, you realised that it was not possible for
the mind once involved in the world to turn
inward easily. So you started the publication of
the monthly magazines, The Vision in English and
Vishwa Prem in Marathi, so that the mind may be
also given some external work side by side with
Bhajan, meditation, etc., as a help to Sadhana. In
order to work out this idea, you got from a
devotee the necessary amount for constructing a
small office building. The main aim of these
monthly magazines was to spread the ideals of
universal love and service. In these magazines
were published articles on spiritual subjects
183
written by yourself and other Mahatmas who
were your forms.
O Papa, the lover of the humble! When I saw
that you, dwelling in the hearts of the Sadhakas
living in the Ashram, were taking their minds
downward, I felt immensely pained at heart. I
was doing all acts of service with great zeal and
enthusiasm, believing that the Sadhakas would
be benefited and attain oneness with your real
Being, just as I had attained the same state. But
my enthusiasm cooled down when I observed
many untoward situations and happenings.
Then I reflected, "What is the use of an Ashram if
it does not prevent the minds of the Sadhakas
living in it from pursuing transitory pleasures?
You have provided these people at their homes
with the necessary things for enjoyment of
worldly pleasures. They can have this enjoyment
remaining in their places." So I felt there was no
need to have any Ashram at all.








184
- 30 -
THE ASHRAM GROWS
SADGURU Papa! Then I remembered your
words in this connection, "You achieve victory
only when you fight from a fort but not when you
are fighting in the open plains." This is perfectly
true. I had remained at home and was coming to
you now and then and doing Sadhana. So it
became possible for me to attain the goal
because you gave me, while living in the world,
such a strength of mind that public slander and
mockery did not touch me, and you made me do
only such work as would enable me to realise
your eternal Being. But you made these Sadhakas
renounce their homes as soon as you gave them
the aspiration to realise you and so they were
fighting in the open spaces. Therefore they met
with defeat. If you had prompted them to
renounce the home only after knowing that the
home and the universe are one, they would
certainly have attained success. So I felt that it
would be beneficial for the Sadhakas to come and
stay with us for some time and, after learning the
ways of Sadhana for spiritual realisation, go home
and remember you constantly.
185
O Papa, the protector of devotees! I came to
know that you were enacting all this play in order
to give me experience. So, unless you choose to
reveal yourself in anybody, it is not possible for
him or her by mere pressure from others to be
absorbed in your eternal Being.
O compassionate Papa! Therefore, I did not
at all wish that the Ashram should grow and
expand more and more. If anybody talked about
the expansion of the Ashram I would get angry.
Even when you planted a seedling in the Ashram
grounds, I was opposing you. Because, if the
Ashram took a wider form and trees grew up in it,
it would not be possible for us to do all the work
of looking after them and we might have to
engage workers for the purpose. If we appointed
such workers we would have to pay them wages.
This again would not be possible for us and thus,
without gaining any benefit, we would be
burdening ourselves with debts. Besides, if we
expanded the activities of the Ashram, the
devotees who are sending monetary help would
think why we, who have renounced everything
should take up activities of this nature. The
ultimate result would be that their faith in us
would wither away.
O Papa, the giver of peace! When devotees
offer you with reverence money and other things,
186
looking upon you as Guru or God, such offering
would be conducive to their spiritual uplift. When
you give away such moneys and things to others
who are to you none other than Ram Himself,
they will also be benefited spiritually by receiving
such gifts from you if they look upon you with
reverence. "Blessed is he who gives and blessed is
he who receives."
O Papa, who pervades everywhere! In spite
of my arguing with you to the contrary, the
Ashram automatically went on expanding. When I
was absorbed in some other kind of work in the
Ashram, if anybody came with plants and offered
to set them in the Ashram grounds, you, who are
fond of gardening, would agree to it. Seeing your
zeal I would remain quiet. In this way, friends
came one by one and planted all kinds of
seedlings in the Ashram compound, which was
really to your liking. Of the plants there were
flower plants and plants of the mango, jackfruit,
coconut, cashewnut and other kinds of fruit.
O all-pervading Papa! Many of your devotees
were coming to the Ashram from various parts of
India and abroad. Since there was no proper
arrangement for their stay, they could spend only
a day or two and that too with difficulty.
Therefore, you from within prompted some of
the rich among them to propose to construct at
187
their cost, guest-houses for their use when they
came to the Ashram for a period of stay. At other
times these guest-houses could be used by other
visitors. It was not possible for you to refuse this
offer. Ere this, when I told you not to expand the
scope of the Ashram you had agreed. You are the
mother of all your children in the world, and as
such you could not but fulfil their wishes. Besides,
many householders, who are your forms, told you
that they gained much peace when they stayed in
the Ashram, and also informed you by letters that
on their return many changes for the better had
taken place in their lives.
So I consented to their proposal of
constructing guesthouses so that the
householders and the Sadhakas who spent some
days with us might be benefited. The buildings
came up one after the other and became useful
and convenient for the visitors who came here
for a few days.
O Papa, the ocean of compassion! Thus, as
the number of people coming to the Ashram
increased, their children used to cry for milk in
the mornings. The Ashram could not provide
them with milk when they wanted it. As we had
to get the milk from a distance of three miles, it
would reach the Ashram only by about 8.30 in the
morning. All the devotees in the Ashram used to
188
get tired of waiting for it. It caused you also a
good deal of trouble. Now, you in the form of a
local devotee, came forward to present the
Ashram with cows and also offered to build a
cowshed for their accommodation. Although we
were against the idea of expanding the Ashram,
yet, owing to unavoidable causes, we had to fall
in with his views. Consequently, he built a
cowshed and gave us two cows, of which one was
a milch cow with a calf . Thereafter, you in the
form of another devotee dedicated to the
Ashram a cow and a calf and also a she-buffalo.
We also purchased a cow and a she-buffalo. In
course of time, as the number of cows multiplied,
we planned to increase the area of the cowshed.
When the number of cattle increased further, we
had to construct a big Goshala. Now the number
of cattle has risen to seventy, of which some are
bulls and buffaloes and the rest cows and calves.
We have since been selling bulls and also giving
away as gifts a number of she-calves and bulls to
deserving persons.
O all-pervading Papa! At the beginning, the
Ashram had no electric lights. As the visitors
increased in number and there was trouble from
snakes wandering in the Ashram compound, we
had to use petromaxes instead of kerosene
lanterns. Even these, not having served the
189
purpose, some devotees proposed to have an
electric plant installed for electrifying the streets
and the Ashram houses, and we gave our
consent. So now as there are electric lights,
devotees can walk about freely at nights on the
roads inside the Ashram compound. Moreover,
because of the electric power we can work the
water pumps for supplying water to the Ashram
buildings, and a flour mill for making flour from
rice and wheat. These machines were presented
to the Ashram by some devotees. Now electric
power is being supplied by the Government.

















190
- 31 -
CELEBRATIONS
O PAPA, the endless and beginningless! Now,
during the first four years the Ashram had four
celebrations each year. We started with a
celebration on the anniversary of the
inauguration of the Ashram. This extended for
seven days. As it was observed on the 15th of
May each year, on account of heavy rains in this
month it involved great hardship on the huge
concourse of visitors. At the suggestion of
yourself in the form of a devotee, instead of the
15th May, the Ashram started celebrating the
Hanuman Jayanti day, which was your birthday,
and it fell in the month of April. We also
celebrated the Punya Tithi of Gurudev which fell
on Naraka Chaturdashi, usually in October. In
December, many devotees were coming to the
Ashram during the Christmas holidays and so
another celebration was held on the 27th
December which was your Sannyas day. While
these three celebrations were held, at the
pressure of the devotees you agreed to have one
more celebration on the Mahalaya Amavasya day
which was my birthday.
191
O kindness-incarnate Papa! In the beginning
we used to have your birthday celebration for
seven days and the other celebrations for three
days. Later we reduced these to three days and
one day respectively. During celebrations we
would have non-stop Bhajan, Harikatha and other
programmes, and feasts for the visitors and the
poor people. For carrying out these items of the
programme, the devotees who are your forms,
provided us with the necessary funds.
O Papa, the lover of the humble! From the
beginning I had no interest in holding these
celebrations. But owing to your wish and that of
others who were your forms, we had to observe
these celebrations. Our object was not to make a
grand show of them but to help the devotees in
their spiritual uplift and ultimate realisation of
your infinite Being. During the time of the
celebrations there would naturally be great zeal
in the minds of devotees to chant Ram Nam more
and more so that they might enjoy the bliss of the
Eternal. On the contrary, as years passed, we
noticed that very few people derived real benefit
from the celebrations and they started finding
fault with us in all our actions.
O omnipresent Papa! It was natural that they
should find fault with us because you, dwelling in
them, were making them believe that they were
192
merely the bodies. Usually they would put the
stock question, "They say that all are the same to
the saints and that they are free from likes and
dislikes. Then why do they exhibit partiality and
differential treatment?"
But they do not know the meaning of it all. So
there is nothing wrong when they see blemishes
in us. Even then, in my opinion, what we do is
right as we have the experience of our identity
with the entire universe and also the Truth
beyond it. For example, even though the whole
body is considered as myself, I cannot touch with
the same hand at the same time my head and my
leg. So also, even though I know that the entire
universe is myself, I cannot serve all beings
simultaneously. Though with our own eyes we
cannot see simultaneously all parts of our body,
still our equality in regard to the body is not
thereby affected. Similarly, after we have realised
the universe as ourselves, we can see only some
and not others, but the sense of equality in us
remains intact.
O Papa, the protector of devotees! You were
coming to the Ashram also in the forms of some
mischief-mongers. They would wander about in
the Ashram compound, gaze at women and make
fun of them. Of these there was one Sadhu who
was known as a Mahatma and who was of course
193
your own form. At one of the celebrations he
came in the company of some devotees and
called himself Krishna. He would eat the food
prepared for or served to children, beat them,
smile at women and do other such acts. Gradually
he started sitting in the midst of women and was
often beating them. When you observed this
behaviour of his, you remained quiet for two
days. As his conduct became intolerable, you
decided to send him away from the Ashram.
Sensing what was going to happen to him, the
Sadhu bolted himself in a room and commenced
shaving his beard with the shaving set of a visitor.
Now you knocked at the door and asked him to
open it. But he did not care to act up to your
words; so you pushed the door. Still he would not
come out. You sat down waiting for him at the
door. Some time later, finishing his work, the
Sadhu came out.
You told him, "Calling yourself Krishna what is
this you are doing? Ramdas is not going to allow
you to carry on like this."
So you pushed him out and asked him to
leave the Ashram, but as he did not move, you
gave him a kick and asked him to clear out of the
gate. Beholding you in a state of rage we were all
frightened. We wished that you should soon
regain your usual composure, but you had no rest
194
until the so-called Sadhu was driven clean out of
the Ashram premises.
O Papa, the giver of bliss! I know that you
kicked him not out of hate or dislike for him, but
with a view to lead him on the right path. In the
eyes of the people who were present, this act of
yours appeared to be improper, but truly there
was nothing wrong in what you did. Just as a man
suffering from a serious illness, to be free from it,
gives himself over to the surgeon in the case of
an operation and undergoes thereby all kinds of
pains, similarly, having pervaded the entire
universe and knowing that you are the universe
itself, in order to heal the pains in your own body,
you inflict suffering on yourself.
After this incident you had no occasion to
punish anybody as you had in the case of that
Sadhu, but often you had, by threats, to eject
some incorrigible people from the Ashram.
O Papa, the ocean of kindness! Since the
majority of your forms coming to the Ashram
were not for gaining real and lasting happiness
but for enjoying transitory pleasures, I argued
with you that we would do well to put a stop to
the celebrations. Moreover, from year to year as
the number of people who attended the
celebrations increased, we had to undergo
immense strain from the huge work to be turned
195
out on such occasions. Prior to this we did not
have in the Ashram big vessels to prepare food
and had to borrow them from the local temple.
When I suggested to you that we might buy such
vessels for the Ashram use, you were not in
favour of doing so.
O compassionate Papa! Once when an
Ashram celebration was approaching at the same
time there were marriages in certain houses. The
vessels of a temple which we used to borrow
were requisitioned by the marriage parties. So
the Ashram had to face untold difficulties. On this
point I started an acute controversy with you.
Observing this state of things, the visitors who
came from the Ashram vicinity rushed to their
homes and brought their own vessels. Though
these vessels were not adequate we somehow
managed to carry out the functions.
O Papa, who is kindness-incarnate! For all the
reasons mentioned above, I hotly discussed with
you and insisted upon stopping the celebrations.
Since these celebrations did not benefit anybody
and as they created a great deal of disorder, you
at last consented to discontinue them. At this I
felt untold joy.



196
- 32 -
SADHAKAS & SADHUS
O ALL-PERVADING Papa! Prior to these
happenings, the Bhajan in the Ashram had to be
stopped. The object of Bhajan was to help the
devotees in their spiritual progress. Gradually the
number of devotees who took part in it
diminished. At last for the Bhajan there were only
three we two and the daughter of your relative of
Poorvashram. When the Ashram was opened,
this girl gave up her education and joined the
Ashram and was doing all kinds of service. When
the time came for her to be married, I asked you,
"For whose sake are we to continue Bhajan? As
for me, there is no need of Bhajan and so also for
you." So we stopped the daily Bhajan entirely.
O infinite Papa! The number of visitors to the
Ashram went on increasing. Of these, you in
many forms did not fail to receive some spiritual
gain, but still you in some other forms were
committing mistakes. Whenever they did so, we
used to point out the mistakes to them and were
advising them as to how they should act,
whoever they be, whether they were visitors or
Sadhakas, so that they might ultimately attain
immortal happiness. But without understanding
197
the aim with which we were admonishing them,
they were on the other hand prompted by you
from within to turn against us. So the advice fell
flat on them. They cast all kinds of slurs on us and
left the Ashram. Just as when the mother, in
order to guide her children on the right path,
reprimands and even beats them, however
pained the feelings of the children might be, they
cannot but return to the mother. So also, as you
are the mother of the universe, in spite of their
going away from you, yet, being drawn by the
cords of love, they would come again to you and
love you. You loved such devotees all the more
and granted them the experience of bliss. Still,
some of them kept themselves away. If even out
of a sense of enmity they remembered you, such
remembrance would help them in realising their
oneness with your eternal Being. So I am
confident that one day or the other they will,
drawn by the force of your infinite love, come
back to you. I am therefore holding my soul in
patience as there is no need to be impatient in
this matter.
O Papa, the lover of devotees! When some
time passed thus, you received a letter from a
devotee in Bombay in 1936. As he was seriously
ill, he had often written to you to come to
Bombay for his sake. So I felt it would be well that
198
you visited Bombay and gave him Darshan. I
came to you and apprised you of my wish.
O Papa, the lover of the humble! At this time
you were engaged in churning curds. As the
Ashram was day by day expanding in its range,
though we had some workers to carry on the
outside work, the internal work was managed by
ourselves, the inmates. Your love for the
devotees in Bombay was so great that the
moment I told you about my wish, you
immediately stopped the churning of curds and,
getting up, with only one cloth on your body,
sped rapidly to the railway station in order to
catch the morning train itself.
O compassionate Papa! In Bombay, after
visiting the home of the devotee who called you
and also the homes of other devotees, giving
them all the spiritual benefit of your Darshan and
enjoying their love, you returned to the Ashram
in a month's time.
O Papa, the embodiment of kindness! The
devotees from other parts of India who came to
know of your trip to Bombay wrote to you
repeatedly, inviting you to their places also, and
you could not refuse to fulfil their wishes. So you
started on a second tour in 1937. But as for me, I
loved to remain in the Ashram. Due to other
199
reasons also I did not go with you even though
you asked me to do so.
O all-pervading Papa! When you were away
on tour, a person who is of course yourself in that
form, living near the Ashram, started the game of
opposition against the Ashram. He conspired in
various ways to get the Ashram under his control.
Once he claimed a part of the Ashram property as
his and created a disturbance. On your return
from the tour you took legal steps and set the
matter right.
O blissful Papa! Although he quarrelled with
us, it proved to be a quarrel between a mother
and her child. It did not last long and soon the
love that existed between us and him revived and
grew.
O all-pervading Papa! During the days when
you wandered from place to place on renouncing
worldly life, you were looked after tenderly by
many Sadhus. So you had great reverence for all
itinerant Sadhus who came to the Ashram. I also
as a consequence conceived love and respect for
them. For this reason, the Sadhus who were
coming to the Ashram were permitted to stay in
it as long as they liked. They used to stay in the
Ashram from three to fifteen days. In the case of
those who were ill, they were allowed to remain
in the Ashram until they fully recovered from
200
their illness. We tried our best to provide them
with whatever they asked for and thereby satisfy
them.
O Papa, the lover of the humble! Whenever
the Sadhus, who were of course your forms,
came, we provided them with sleeping
accommodation in the office, in the kitchen or on
the verandah of the main Ashram. These Sadhus,
according to their daily routine were performing
Bhajan, worship and meditation. They were also
at times given to drinking liquor and smoking
Ganja, thereby causing a great deal of discord in
the Ashram. Besides, on grounds of orthodoxy or
for some other flimsy reasons, they would quarrel
among themselves. Some of them used to cook
their own food and eat it separately. In such
cases, if anybody by mistake touched them or
their vessels, they would fly into a rage and
refuse to take the meals. As a result of their
quarrels, the Ashramites working in the office
could not do their work peacefully. Some
devotees therefore suggested that it would be
well that we built a rest-house for the Sadhus.
Accordingly, a rest-house was constructed near
the office building. Even here they created a good
deal of noise and disturbance. Sadhus who
seduced women would also come to the Ashram.
Whenever a Sadhu of this nature came with a
201
woman, we would send the man away first and,
after ascertaining from the woman about her
native place, we would send her back to her own
place with sufficient money for her travelling
expenses.
O all-pervading Papa! On account of this
confused state of affairs we had to set a rule that
Sadhus who came from distant places could
remain in the Ashram for only three days and
those who came from nearby places only for a
day. For the same reason householders were
permitted to stay in the Ashram for only three to
five days. In the case of those who wished to
remain longer, I asked them to do their own
cooking. To this arrangement you consented.
From that time onward this rule was in force for
about two years.
O Papa, the beginningless and endless! You
started again on a tour in 1938. This time the tour
lasted for nine months. Only two days after you
left on tour, a group of devotees from the
neighbouring town, who were your forms, came
to the Ashram. Although you were not present in
the Ashram, they wished to stay on for a long
time.
O compassionate Papa! We got a wire from
you that you had finished your tour and were
returning to the Ashram. Knowing that your
202
health was bad I went to the railway station to
receive you and escort you to the Ashram. When
I saw you, you looked weak and emaciated. On
account of rheumatic pains you found it hard to
get down from the railway carriage. So you had to
be helped to alight from the compartment in
which you sat. At the station you got into the car
and immediately handed over to me the purse of
money you had, telling me to take responsibility
in future of all money matters. Thereafter,
although the accountkeeping was done by others,
during the disbursement of wages to the workers
I used to be present.
O omnipresent Papa! As you had severe
rheumatic pains you had attacks of giddiness and
aches all over the body. You could neither walk
nor sit without help. All of us in the Ashram took
great care of you. From that time I started to give
you your daily bath. As you found it difficult to sit
down on the floor, arrangements were made
through your devotees to get you a chair, a table,
a cot and other elevated seats. Besides, a
separate toilet for you near the Ashram was
constructed.
O all-pervading Papa! Due to rheumatic pains you
began putting on shirts. Before this you were
using only one piece of cloth as Dhoti and
another as upper cloth. We also began to prepare
203
special diet for you in view of your indifferent
health.



























204
- 33 -
CELEBRATIONS AGAIN
O TRANSCENDENT Papa! Many devotees did
not appreciate our proposal to stop the
celebrations in the Ashram. So when you were
away from the Ashram on tour for the third time,
that is, in 1938, one of your devotees suggested
that the celebrations should be held, for by so
doing all devotees get an opportunity of
assembling together at the Ashram and thereby
derive spiritual benefit. Agreeing with him, you
instructed us by letter to get ready big copper
vessels. Accordingly I got them made. On your
return all the preparations for the celebration to
be held the following December were made.
O Papa, who pervades the entire universe!
This time we did not send invitations to anybody
as before, but the devotee who took the lead in
this huge enterprise, himself mailed invitations to
devotees all over India. All the Ashram friends
were under the impression that this devotee had
taken up the entire responsibility of conducting
the celebration himself. So on this occasion we
did not receive much financial aid from them.
Even on previous occasions we could not avoid
running into debts. This time the celebration took
205
place on a grand scale, unlike the previous ones.
As the people who attended it were four times
more in number, we fell a prey to unusually large
debts. As a result, you in the form of creditors,
came and demanded their dues. As we had no
money to pay off the debts you wrote to a
devotee for a loan for discharging the debts. The
devotee cheerfully sent the needed amount as
his gift. So it became possible for us to clear off
the debts incurred for the celebration.
O Papa, the lover of the humble! Although I
was not in favour of conducting any more
celebrations, at the time when these celebrations
were held in the past, many men, women and
school children used to gather in the Ashram
during their vacation. You in the forms of the
visitors on these occasions, paid the required
money for preparing and distributing Payasam on
the main day. Besides, due to the enthusiasm of
the devotees there were on these days more
than the usual Bhajan, Harikatha and so on. So
one day's celebration took place spontaneously.
O love-incarnate Papa! As the number of
people who attended the celebrations was
becoming larger and larger, the Ashramites could
not bear the strain of the heavy work which
entailed on them. Therefore, we had to specially
engage paid cooks for three days on these
206
occasions. Thereafter we found it necessary to
employ two cooks permanently.
O Papa, the bestower of bliss! In 1944 we had
your Shashti Abdapoorty celebration. At this time
innumerable devotees gathered in the Ashram
and the three days' functions were carried out
with great eclat. A devotee of Bombay, with a
view of presenting you sixty thousand rupees on
that day, sent a circular letter in this respect to
devotees in different parts of India. The total
amount collected came to about one lakh of
rupees, including Rs.28,000 donated for the
construction of the Sri Krishna Udyog Shala. The
amount of Rs. 62,000 was offered to you as a gift
on that occasion. Out of this sum, Rs. 40,000 was
utilised for the payment of all Ashram
outstandings.
O Papa, the ocean of grace! After the opening
of the Ashram, for some months we were
carrying on without incurring any debts. At that
time our way of life was simple and easy. As years
passed, the Ashram expanded and devotees
belonging to various castes and grades of society
started coming. We had to prepare for them food
and other things of a higher standard, with the
result that the mode of living in the Ashram took
a turn which meant more comforts and more
expenses. However, we were paying off the debts
207
in small instalments from the gifts of money
received by you from the devotees. But we could
not, by these small payments, liquidate the
growing debts. After the sixtieth birthday, from
money received as gift by you, we were able to
clear off all the Ashram debts.
O Papa, the love-incarnate! Some years after your
Shashti Abdapoorty celebration, came the Silver
Jubilee of your Sannyas in 1947. This expensive
celebration lasted for three days.


















208
- 34 -
ASHRAM SERVICE
(1) HOUSES FOR THE POOR
O PAPA, the lover of the humble! Many poor
people who were wanting clothes to cover their
bodies, food to satisfy their hunger and houses to
live in, were coming to the Ashram, to apprise us
of their state of abject poverty. Moreover,
pregnant women, their husbands having
abandoned them, finding no shelter anywhere,
would come to the Ashram and tell us about their
helpless and pitiable condition. How far could we
help them in their distress? So many times they
would come to us seeking help. Considering this
we engaged some of them in Ashram service.
O compassionate Papa! Beholding the
distressed condition of the people who sought
aid from the Ashram, I felt great pain at heart. In
the circumstances, I would speak with conviction
that the redress of their sorrows was possible,
firstly, only through Mahatmas, and secondly,
through the Government. Therefore, I believed
that the Mahatmas, instead of establishing and
expanding their Ashrams, should build houses for
the poor, suffering people who had no houses or
land of their own, and also enable them to
209
independently earn their livelihood. So also the
rich, giving up their selfishness, should freely
contribute towards the welfare of the needy and
distressed people.
O all-pervading Papa! When you went on the
third tour, that is, in 1938, from the money you
were sending to the Ashram, I constructed five
houses for you who came in the form of the poor
and needy people.
O infinite Papa! These words I spoke to you
with an agitated mind, "In the world there is
immense wealth, but some have more and some
have less of it. If the Mahatmas and wealthy
people see to it that all get it equally, the coming
generation will follow suit. Even though all cannot
be equally rich, at least every one will have
enough to live happily."
To this you said, "Whatever Ashram lands are
in Ramdas' name, he is ready to part with them
to those who are in need of them."
Then I put forward the plea, "What is the
good of giving them merely land; we must
arrange also to provide them with houses to live
in, and render financial aid for the first year's
cultivation of the land so that they can thereby
eke out an independent living." To this as well
you gave your consent.
210
O Papa, the giver of bliss! In course of time
we ourselves acquired fields and started
cultivating them. The paid workers and the
Ashramites together did the work of sowing,
transplanting seedlings, harvesting and all other
kinds of work. Since these activities were dear to
you, you were coming to see us when we were at
work. We did the cultivation only to know
whether the workers would be able to make a
living by cultivating the land given to them.
O love-incarnate Papa! After some years you
built more houses for some Ashram workers and
gave them parts of the field which the Ashram
was cultivating. Even though we did not have
sufficient funds to build all the houses for them
we did so by running into debts. We have so far
constructed over fifty houses for the poor
workers and more houses are under construction.
O Papa, the lover of the humble! From the
start of the Ashram you had a great desire to
impart education to the children living in the
vicinity. If they had no education, they would
have to slave under others for their livelihood.
Because a life of complete dependence upon
others always involved immense hardship and
misery, you were bent upon giving education to
the children. As it was my nature to obstruct you
211
in all your undertakings, I objected to the carrying
out of your ideal.
To embark on the project we had to
construct a school building and also provide food
and clothing for the hungry and naked among the
children. I felt at the time, that as the Ashram
expenses had increased enormously and we were
already in debt, how we could undertake this
huge venture and assume all the responsibilities
relating to the management of a school. Even if
we imparted elementary education to the
children, how would it be possible for them to go
in for higher education? Further, how would they
be able to secure proper employment thereafter?
We would have to see that they got suitable jobs.
For this we would have to open another school
for training them in handicrafts and cottage
industries. Besides, there would be a need to
build a boarding home for providing them with
meals. Why all this trouble? But as you were
enthusiastic about running a school, instead of
coming in the way of every undertaking of yours,
I agreed.
Immediately you made your devotees aware
of this scheme and many among them with all joy
and love offered you the necessary funds. All of
us in the Ashram with great zeal joined in the
construction of the school building.
212
(ii) THREE R'S & HANDICRAFTS
O Papa, the love-incarnate! Although we had
no idea of erecting a big building for the school,
the plan made for it being an ambitious one, we
had to carry it out. You admitted, "It is the will of
Ram that we should have a huge building for the
school." So the school building became an
imposing one. Moreover, a suitable boarding
house had also to be constructed. The opening
ceremonies of these two buildings took place on
your birthday in 1942. The school was named "Sri
Krishna Vidyalaya".
O compassionate Papa! With the object of
the spiritual uplift of the children, you made a
rule of holding daily prayers at the opening of the
school in the morning and at the closing of it in
the evening. Also you set the rule for the children
to attend the Ashram Bhajan every Monday
morning and to hold Bhajan in the school every
Thursday afternoon. In order to infuse
enthusiasm in the children you were yourself
attending the afternoon Bhajan. Besides, you
arranged to distribute prasad at the end of the
Bhajan. You in the forms of the teachers were
also reading the Bhagavad Gita to the children
and explaining its meaning to them. Further, you
were giving prizes to those of the boys who had
learnt one chapter of the Gita by heart.
213
O Papa, the ocean of compassion! You were
also providing the pupils with the necessary
books and slates free. In the forms of the
teachers you were training them in spinning yarn
on Charkas.
O Papa, the bestower of bliss! You were
celebrating the anniversary of the school every
year in order to afford joy to the pupils. During
the celebration there were items of drama, sports
and presentation of prizes to the children.
O Papa, the ocean of kindness! From the
donations paid by a devotee you were presenting
to the children annually five sets of dresses. The
spare sets of dresses were kept in the boarding-
house. A mother was engaged as warden to look
after the children. The routine was that when the
children came in the morning, before attending
school, they had first to take a bath, put on
washed dress and take Kanjee. At the midday
interval they were again given a meal. On the
closing of the school in the evening they would go
to their respective homes. Workers were
engaged for washing their clothes and cooking
food for them. Whenever there was a celebration
in the Ashram they took meals along with others
in the Ashram, and prior to their dispersal they
would exhibit their skills in music and games.
214
O compassionate Papa! When you were
about to start the school, two teachers who were
already trained in teaching, requested you to
appoint them in the Ashram school as they were
not able to get jobs elsewhere. In consideration
of these unemployed teachers, you became more
than ever zealous to complete the school
structure as early as possible. Besides these two
teachers, you engaged also others for the school
work. For some years the work of the school
went on very well owing to the sincere services of
yourself in the forms of these teachers. But after
some years all the teachers joined together and
started to run the school as they liked. Consulting
you only in a formal way the teachers, together
with the headmaster, acted according to their
own will and pleasure. In the end we discovered
that they were apparently united but had
conceived envy and ill-will with regard to each
other. Of these, the unemployed teachers whom
you appointed first, who were of course your
own forms, started criticising us to our face.
O Papa, the bliss giver! Day by day the school
was progressing very well. Now the teachers of
the school, who were your forms, were
contributing with all their hearts their capabilities
towards the all round uplift of the school. They
taught the children with all affection and helped
215
them in all possible ways so that they might grow
up into intelligent people and earn their bread by
independent means. All who came to the Ashram
in those days, seeing the working of the school,
were loud in their praise of it.
O Papa, the ocean of kindness! In order to
run the school on proper lines we used to change
the headmaster whenever necessary. At last a
new headmaster came, who was no doubt trying
his best to raise the school standard, but the one
defect with him was that he was punishing the
children heartlessly.
O gracious Papa! Despite our repeated advice
and reprimand, the headmaster, who is your
form, did not stop chastising the children with
great severity. The other teachers also joined him
and behaved in an unseemly manner, making us
understand that they were working in the school
only to favour us. When you found fault with
them in the matter of corporal punishment
meted out to the children, they showed you an
educational rule that you had no right to interfere
in the workings of the school. To prevent further
confusion, the school and the boardinghouse had
to be closed. So all the teachers had to go away.
For about two years, the work of the school and
boarding-house having stopped, they were
216
subsequently handed over to the Harijan Welfare
Department.
O universal Papa! Before two years had
elapsed after the opening of the school, with a
view to train the children who had passed the
elementary school in some handicrafts, you
opened a small department of handloom
weaving. The shed in which this work was started
was destroyed by fire, with the result that you
planned to have a bigger building, for the
construction of which a devotee offered the
necessary funds.
O Papa, the love-incarnate! The institution
was called the "Sri Krishna Udyog Shala". Here
several kinds of handicrafts were taught and the
work was going on beautifully. The subjects that
were taught were hand spinning, handloom
weaving, dyeing yarn, hand printing, tailoring,
horn work, leather work, etc. It was expected
that the children who received instruction in any
one of these handicrafts would be able to get
employment and thereby earn their living. Some
of these students are now having an independent
living from the training they received here. We
ourselves arranged for the sale of the institute'
products.
O gracious Papa! As we found that all
sections of the Udyog Shala, except handloom
217
weaving and tailoring, were working at a loss, we
concentrated only on these two sections and
closed the rest. Later we discovered that we
could not run the institution and so handed it
over as a free gift, with the building and all
equipment included, to the Nileshwar Weavers'
Co-operative Production and Sale Society. This
institution is now carrying on its work.
(III) POST OFFICE & HOSPITAL
O all-pervading Papa! In Ramnagar the place
where our Ashram stands we had no post office.
For getting our daily mail we had to send an
inmate of the Ashram to the sub-post office in
Kanhangad at a distance of about three miles. As
our letters and parcels for transmission
increased, we found it difficult and inconvenient
to send one of the workers of the Ashram daily to
such a distance. Hence some devotee suggested
that we should apply to the Postal Department
for opening a post office in Ramnagar itself. In
response, the Government opened a branch post
office in one of the rooms of the Sri Krishna
Vidyalaya and it went by the name:
"Anandashram Branch Post Office".
O compassionate Papa! When we first
opened Anandashram in Ramnagar, there was no
dispensary or hospital for medical aid. Whenever
218
any person was taken ill the patient would come
to the Ashram and we used to treat him with
homoeopathic or first aid remedies. But as days
passed, the number of patients coming for
medical aid increased. Then some devotees
suggested that we should have a separate
building in which we could carry out the
treatment of the patients who sought medical
aid. Accordingly, a house constructed by a
devotee of the Ashram in memory of his
departed daughter, was utilised with his
permission for running a dispensary. A devotee
who was at one time an inmate of the Ashram
supplied us with necessary medicines. Later on, a
doctor who came to the Ashram, agreed to take
charge of the dispensary. We appointed a staff of
workers to help him. The devotees who lived far
away from the Ashram in different towns and
cities were sending medicines free for the
dispensary.
The dispensary was working on sound lines.
On an average one hundred persons were
receiving free medical aid daily in the Ashram
charitable dispensary.
O compassionate Papa! In the dispensary
there were in all five persons on the staff and
they were serving the out-patients with love and
affection. Later, with the financial help of some
219
devotees we also constructed a building for in-
patient and maternity wards. Sometimes we had
to point out certain irregularities in the work of
the staff although from the worldly standard
what they did seemed to be right.
O universal Papa! We had already thought of
closing down the hospital work as we were
running short of funds and to manage the
hospital was therefore found to be difficult. We
asked the Government to run the hospital but, as
they delayed to take it over, the dispensary
ceased to function for about two years. At last
the Government took over the dispensary and
hospital and are managing the same.
O Papa, who is everything and beyond
everything! In this way, whenever we started any
charitable work, for some time we received great
approbation from people about its work and
progress. Although for a period the work would
go on well, the paid staff would make us
understand in many ways that they were working
in the Ashram institutions in order to do a favour
to us. Moreover, day by day the receipts of the
Ashram by way of donations diminished, with the
consequence that we were obliged to close down
all of them.


220
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YOUR TASK
O PAPA, the endless and beginningless! A
human being born as such places before himself
any one aim to be achieved in life. Commonly,
children try to follow the path trodden by their
parents. If the parents are of a charitable nature,
their children aspire to be like them. If the
parents attain name and fame, likewise their
children wish to attain name and fame. Similarly,
if the parents amass wealth, their children
develop the same tendency. However, to
accomplish any one of these aims they should
have intense and concentrated aspiration for it. If
a man places before himself God-realisation as
his goal he must intensely thirst for it.
O Purushottama Papa! We established this
Ashram with the sole object that those who wish
to realise your eternal Being may come to it and
achieve the goal by following the path of
devotion and by practising universal love and
service. But, you in the forms of devotees and
disciples, when they first came here, evinced
great love and devotion with a view to fulfil their
aim in realising your immortal Being. But later on,
straying away from the path, they sought the very
221
pleasures of worldly life which they had once
renounced. Besides this, you in these forms,
picked faults in us, got angry and slandered us in
many ways. And lastly, creating confusion in the
Ashram, they left it with a mind thoroughly
unsettled and disgruntled. When we saw that you
in these forms played in this manner, it became
evident that we could not succeed in attaining
the high ideals we had laid down at the opening
of the Ashram.
O Papa, the all-pervading! Once you came in
the form of a Sannyasin and displayed unique
devotion. But you, who dwelt in him, being not
prepared to reveal yourself to him, played a
different game. So, having abandoned the path of
Self-realisation, he acted objectionably, brought
about his downfall and finally left the Ashram.
You came and played also as another great
Sannyasin and lived in the Ashram. But in a short
time you showed yourself in him as one
hankering for sense pleasures and this fact came
to our knowledge. Your Lila is really wonderful!
O world-regulator Papa! You in the forms of
many businessmen came to the Ashram, giving
up their business and with the one object of
realising the eternal Truth and doing Sadhana to
that effect. But, as you were not willing to
manifest yourself in them, after some time,
222
causing their minds to flow world-wise, you made
them plan to start business in the Ashram itself.
When they found that we did not agree to their
proposals, they left in a state of dissatisfaction
and frustration.
O Papa, the refuge of all! You visited the
Ashram in several other forms and gave us
intolerable trouble, and we had to eject them by
force. This is indeed your Lila. On one side you
play as a Guru and are ready to render help to the
aspirants who come to you. On the other side you
play in many forms as seekers of God. But you,
who are dwelling in them, gave them a short-
lived devotion for you and, before they attained
the goal, deprived them of it by bringing down
their minds to the old state, that is, to the pursuit
of sense pleasures. You made them go to the
length of acting reprehensibly. If merely by
external sight and contact you seek to help them
to realise your infinite Being, they cannot of
course succeed. You ought to reveal yourself to
them for the highest spiritual experience.
O Sadguru! As you are the forms of all Gurus, if
you do not manifest yourself in some devotees at
least, it cannot be considered that the Ashrams,
Maths and temples you have started are of any
spiritual value. Still, it is an undeniable fact that
you have sown the seed of Ram Nam in the
223
hearts of those who are living in your presence
and in those others who come in your contact,
and have also granted them the taste of infinite
bliss and peace. You have afforded them faith in
Ram Nam and given them the necessary impetus
to repeat it more and ever more. Most of them,
having staunch faith in the repetition of the
Name, have advanced on the path considerably.
Thus their minds having really expanded, they
have become truly loving and generous. Can they
be perfectly satisfied merely by this much of
achievement? Until now you have not created in
them a burning aspiration to have you and you
alone. You have not yet given them the intense
aspiration, by an inner renunciation, for realising
their oneness with you. You have not so far made
them experience eternal bliss and peace. Great
and eternal as you are, I can emphatically declare
that the Ashram and similar other institutions
cannot be said to have fulfilled their purpose until
the devotees who resort to them have realised
the bliss and peace which you are enjoying.







224
- 36 -
GOD-REALISATION - THE AIM
O PAPA, the lover of devotees! You have
implanted in the hearts of people a desire to save
money for themselves and for their kith and kin.
But you being the mother of all your children,
with the intention of making them happy, take
money from one son and give it to another.
Really all people in the world are your children
and so you are getting money from the rich
among them and spending it on others who are in
need.
O Papa, the lover of the humble! Just as the
food taken by the mouth is assimilated by all
parts of the body, so also, all that you do is for
the welfare of the entire world. But, as you in
several forms do not take advantage of your
teachings and activities but cling to the idea that
they are separate from the world and behave
accordingly, they are not happy.
When we eat good food it is absorbed only by
the healthy parts of the body and not by the
unhealthy parts, although these parts are also
ourselves and our own. Similarly, those who do
not derive any benefit by your action and those
who derive it are both yourself and your own.
225
Still, in order to cure the disease in the body we
treat ourselves with medicines. In a similar
manner we have to strive to remove ignorance
and bring eternal happiness to all people who are
ourselves and our own.
O love-incarnate Papa! Besides those of
whom I have described above, the rich, the poor,
the destitute, the miserable, the evil-minded and
repentant people, the moment they see you, they
place full faith in you and come to the Ashram. Of
these, some come with the aim of taking refuge
in you, some others with a view to spend their life
in your company, still others come to you to get
initiated into Sannyas, keenly aspiring for the
experience of the bliss of God-realisation. Some
others come to the Ashram and, having their own
lodging, join the Ashram service and carry on
their activities with all faith and love. Those who
are given shelter in the Ashram of our own
accord do all kinds of Ashram service with love
and enthusiasm.
O Papa, the bestower of bliss! I had really a
great desire that those who have settled down in
the Ashram should be blessed with the realisation
of the supreme and immortal Being. We have
provided them with all possible facilities. This is
true in regard to both visitors and also those who
remain permanently in the Ashram, the object
226
being that their minds might flow towards your
immortal Being. Besides, in order to prevent their
minds from being diverted to the needs of the
body, we provide them with food, clothing and
shelter as far as possible. In the case of some
devotees, whenever they felt a wish even for
trifling things, we used to provide them with all
the things desired so that this desire might not
come in the way of their spiritual advancement.
But all our efforts proved in vain because you did
not give them intense aspiration to realise you.
O compassionate Papa! Whenever I found
fault with anybody, since you have given me the
experience that I am the entire universe, I really
found fault with myself, without seeing
difference between myself and that person. For
example, though we love all parts of our body
equally, when there is an abscess on any part, we
apply strong medicines or use a knife to cut it
open, only with the idea of making that part
healthy. In the same way, since the whole world
is myself, when I find fault with anybody with a
view to remove their shortcomings, I do so in fact
with regard to myself. This they do not
understand and argue with me, assuming the
attitude of an opponent. So also, if I admonish
them for their erring ways of life they would
rather keep themselves away from me than take
227
advantage of the advice which I give them. As this
entire universe is myself, just as I cannot discard
any part of my body taking it to be extraneous to
me, so also I cannot treat anybody with a feeling
of separateness or being distant from them.
O blissful Papa! In this way, however much
we were anxious about the inner progress of
these people to whom we gave refuge in the
Ashram, you, dwelling in every one of their
hearts, did not give them the aspiration for the
Reality; they loved and served you only to
achieve transitory happiness. Had they aspired
for eternal bliss they would have got not only that
but also all other things needed in their lives.
Without knowing this they made no attempt to
get eternal happiness. On the contrary, we
noticed later that they were lacking the intensity
they had when they first came to the Ashram.
Therefore, I was feeling often that the Ashram
has done more harm than good. So if anyone
expressed the idea of starting an Ashram, I would
tell him, "Don't start an Ashram. If you do, people
by joining it will only be caught up in confusion,
and the day for their attaining real happiness will
be put off. Moreover, those who started the
Ashram would be mentally ruffled."
O all-pervading Papa! So many people,
without themselves realising the immortal
228
Reality, open Ashrams with a view to uplift others
spiritually. They don't consider what their own
life was, why they renounced everything, and
whether their aim had been fulfilled. As a result,
after opening an Ashram, their minds which had
been turned inward, came out and got entangled
in the maze of external activities; thereby their
Sadhana got cut short. Thus their condition
became worse than what it was when they were
living the worldly life. Once their minds
descended to lower levels, their desire for
worldly pleasures waxed strong and they
themselves fell into the ditch and dragged others
also down into it.
O omnipresent Papa! Please therefore do not
give the urge to any Sannyasin or anybody else to
establish an Ashram. In our body, which is a
miniature universe, there are different kinds of
bacteria causing various functions in our system.
Every moment countless of these are created,
preserved and destroyed. Thus the process of
creation, preservation and destruction is going on
continuously and simultaneously in our body. We
are, however, unaffected by these. So also, after
one realises his oneness with you who is the
universe and beyond, he remains unaffected by
the process of creation, preservation and
destruction constantly going on in the universe.
229
O Papa, the beloved of your devotees! Please
inspire only the blessed forms of yours who are
established in such an exalted experience to
undertake the work of spiritually uplifting
humanity.
























230
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TOUR OF 1949
O PAPA, the bestower of bliss! After you
returned from the tour in 1938, you did not leave
the Ashram again for some years. As your health
was not good I was asking you not to go on tours.
At last, in 1949, a devotee of Limbdi, who was
badly ill at Bangalore, addressed you a letter
requesting you to come to him. Drawn by the
love of your devotees you decided to go on tour
again. So, in the company of a devotee you
prepared to start. As for me, I was caught in a
dilemma. By nature I do not like to go on travels. I
felt that if I did not go with you this time there
would be nobody to take care of your body and
give you meals at regular intervals. So I started
with you, taking with me some Ashramites,
fearing that if I left them in the Ashram they
would create discord and dissension.
O all-pervading Papa! Prior to our leaving the
Ashram, we informed some of your devotees
beforehand through correspondence and went to
the places where we were invited. At all the
places we visited we had not to face the least
trouble and we lived as comfortably and happily
as in the Ashram. At this time some Maharajas
231
also invited you to their palaces and served you
with all devotion.
O love-incarnate Papa! Wherever we went,
thousands of people used to come to you for
Darshan. As their hearts were filled with great
love and devotion for you, the moment they had
your Darshan, their hairs would stand on end and
tears of joy would flow down their eyes. Some
devotees, finding you in their homes, were so
transported with joy that they forgot their bodies
and sat still without knowing what to do.
O Papa, the lover of devotees! Wherever you
went, devotees would assemble together and
perform Bhajan in a loud voice with great
spiritual fervour. At other times they would sit in
your presence and swim in an ocean of bliss.
O Papa, the lover of the humble! Having been
attracted by the love of the devotees, with a view
to infuse divine joy into them, you were
thereafter going on tour every year for several
years. As for me, I was beginning to get tired of
the tours and did not like to come with you. The
devotees living in the Ashram, to whom we
entrusted the responsibility of running it while we
were away on tour, were also getting tired of it.
Further, whenever we went on a tour, the friends
who invited us to their places had to look after
the devotees who accompanied us and also
232
extend their hospitality to the ever increasing
number of devotees who came for your Darshan.
How far could this state of things continue?
Whenever we visited any place, people came
for your Darshan in large numbers and everyday
was like a huge celebration. Everybody knows
how difficult it is to manage even ordinary
celebrations for long periods. How then could the
devotees escape from being put to trouble when
we visited them for a number of days thrice a
year? So some of them came to feel that it would
be well that we did not go so often to their
places. But there were also devotees who liked to
have us with them any number of times. At some
places we became objects of ridicule as people
remarked that we were on tour for collecting
funds.
O Papa, the ocean of kindness! In all the
places we visited, I would ask our hosts to offer
the visitors refreshments, etc., as hosts and
visitors were both mine. If the devotees
presented you with money and cloth I would
distribute them as prasad to the poor visitors,
with the object that the minds of these devotees
would turn towards the goal of God-realisation.
Some devotees who came to know of this did not
appreciate my giving away things like this.
233
O blissful Papa! Another habit of mine was
that I used to admonish devotees, whoever they
might be, whether rich or poor - on the basis of
my feeling that I was their eternal child - when I
saw them living and acting with the sole object of
pursuing transitory pleasures. As they did not
understand that I was their child, they would take
ill my advice and lose the opportunity of
achieving true happiness.
O universal Papa! Wherever we went, the
devotees were prepared to treat you and those
who accompanied you with hospitality; but in
some places they did not attend on the visitors
who came to see you. The reason was that while
you and the visitors were absorbed in bliss while
conversing, their minds would not turn to the
visitors and they were not even aware of their
presence. Whenever I became aware of this I
would suggest to the host to turn his attention to
the visitors. Some liked this while others did not.
O omnipresent Papa! When we were on tour the
people of the homes in which we stayed were
happy over our visit. As they had immense
devotion for you, whenever I wished to give
anything to anybody I would induce them to part
with things freely, which they did. By this they felt
happy. Moreover, some were never satisfied
however much they gave to you.
234
- 38 -
THE WORLD TOUR
O COMPASSIONATE Papa! One of your
devotees expressed his desire to build an Ashram
at his place. He thought that if you lived at this
Ashram for six months in the year, the devotees
living in places near it could conveniently come to
you for Darshan and derive spiritual benefit. So
the devotee built an Ashram at his place in your
name. At first it was decided to name the Ashram
"Ram Ashram". The friend who was travelling
with you during your early tours suggested that
the Ashram might be called "Ramdas Ashram."
Hence the Ashram at present goes by that name.
O kindness-incarnate Papa! There are some
devotees who have unusually great love and
devotion to you. As they are very generous by
nature, however much they serve you, they are
not satisfied. When I meet such liberal minded
devotees I feel immense joy. In order that they
might soon attain God-realisation I ask them to
freely utilise their wealth in charity.
O love-incarnate Papa! Among such devotees
there was one mother who was planning to go on
a foreign tour. You had also thought of going on a
world tour. You were saying, "Ram will take
235
Ramdas abroad some day." This mother came to
know of your idea; so she felt it would be well if
she could accompany you on the foreign tour.
She broached the subject to you and you agreed
to go. She sold some shares and articles of value
and collected enough money for the tour
expenses. Another devotee, who was your form,
also started with her. Besides those two persons,
yourself, myself and a devotee of the Ashram in
all five persons made themselves ready to go on
the tour. At all the places we visited, this mother
served you with all love. Your daily meals were
prepared by her. Besides, she was regularly doing
Japa of the Mantra with which she had been
initiated by her Guru, who is none other than
yourself.
O infinite Papa! Wherever we went in the
course of this tour, the devotees treated us with
all love and affection, and in many places they
persuaded us to stay in their homes. Hence the
mother who undertook to take us on the tour
had not to spend as much money as she had at
first expected. She purchased for us a recording
machine, cine camera and many other things. She
had fixed a certain amount to be spent on our
world tour and did not want to retain the
balance. Therefore she spent it in buying a motor
car for the use of the Ashram.
236
O Papa, the ocean of compassion! As you are
pervading everywhere and are yet beyond
everything, we did not feel that we were
travelling in strange lands. The sense of
difference between India and abroad was never
felt. Just as we speak of the parts of our own
body as if they were different from one another,
similarly, though both our own country and that
of another are ours, we refer to other countries
as foreign countries. So, all who live in foreign
places are ourselves and ours. It was for this
reason that all the people in these countries
loved us and listened ardently to your spiritual
discourses. They had the same love, devotion and
reverence for you as devotees in India had. On
account of the unbounded love of the devotees
whom we contacted in foreign countries, we
completed our world tour without the least
difficulty and at last safely reached Ceylon. There
was some disturbance among the Ashramites
who joined us there. In the end, peace prevailed
and we came back to the Ashram. The same
mother who took us on this Bhu Pradakshina
brought us back to the Ashram and, leaving us
there returned to her place.
O grace-incarnate Papa! When we were on
the world tour many of the devotees of the
countries we visited promised that they would
237
come to the Ashram here. As there was no
proper accommodation and convenience for
them in the event of their visit, the mother who
took us on the tour offered enough funds for
constructing a new building with all the necessary
fittings and equipment. We constructed this
building in great haste and furnished the rooms
with chairs, tables and cots. In all, the building
cost us about thirty five thousand rupees.
Before we went on tour abroad, this mother, in
co-operation with another friend, had
constructed a separate small room with an
attached bathroom and toilet for your use on the
left side of the main Ashram building. Besides
this, the mother also joined with others in
rendering financial help for the Silver Jubilee
Celebration which took place in the Ashram in
1955.










238
- 39 -
LIKHIT JAPA YAJNA
O PAPA, the ocean of kindness! People are
spending on charitable purposes large amounts
of money. But instead of aspiring for eternal
happiness they aim at transitory pleasures. At this
I feel acute pain. So I do not resist admonishing
them for this. In some cases they do not take my
advice in the right spirit and suffer great pain.
Therefore, I pray to you, who are the lover of
your devotees, to reveal yourself in their hearts
and grant them immortal bliss in this life itself.
O blissful Papa! The devotee who took the
lead in collecting money to present you with a
purse on the occasion of your 60th birthday
celebration wrote to us whether he could collect
twenty-five thousand rupees and offer the
amount to me on the occasion of the twenty fifth
year of my renunciation. When consulted in this
matter by you, I replied, "We are tired of
appealing for funds. In future we should not beg
for money but accept only what is given or
remitted to us by devotees of their own accord.
Instead, let devotees do twenty-five crores of
Ram Nam Japa. This will help them to realise soon
your immortal existence."
239
On hearing this, with great enthusiasm, you
wrote to this particular devotee what I had said
and also to the devotees in other places, and
published in The Vision that the Ashram had
undertaken a Likhit Japa Yajna of twenty five
crores of Ram Nam. All your devotees in different
parts of the world, with great zeal and
earnestness, started to write the Mantra given to
them by you and other Gurus who are your
forms.
O Papa, the bestower of bliss! As the day of
the celebration approached, the books in which
the Mantras were written poured into the
Ashram from various places and countries. As it
would have been impossible to count the Japa up
to the date of the celebration, we fixed an earlier
date for it and counted the Japa till that date.
Still, in two years the figure of the Japa rose to
32,53,33,158. If we had taken into account all the
Japa that came later than the fixed date, the total
would have been about forty crores.
O Papa, who is really the form of the Divine
Mother! I had never dreamt that such a
celebration would be held in the Ashram.
Moreover, I had not the least desire to have it.
Yet, because of your enthusiasm and that of all
others who are your forms, we were obliged to
celebrate the completion of the Likhit Japa Yajna.
240
We received innumerable letters from the
devotees that they proposed to come to the
Ashram for the celebration. But as we did not
possess any funds and on the contrary we were
deep in debts, I did not go forward in making
preparations for the celebration and remained
silent.
O infinite Papa! It was not at all strange for
the Ashram to run into debts. Every month, as
the amounts received as donations were far less
than the expenses incurred by the Ashram, we
were always running into debts, but by the help
of the devotees we would liquidate them. Before
we started on the world tour we had paid off all
the Ashram debts. Towards the expenses of the
Ashram during your absence on tour we had to
borrow five thousand rupees from a Bombay
devotee. As this devotee considered the Ashram
as his own, he told us that he would not take
back the money advanced by him. This money
was used in the Ashram to meet the deficit during
our absence on tour. No sooner we returned
from the world tour than we again became a prey
to debts; so I did not want to undertake any new
work.
O all-pervading Papa! In the mean time,
money started pouring in towards the expenses
of the celebration from the devotees. You were
241
often telling me that I should undertake the
rebuilding of the office owing to its dilapidated
condition. So, since the amounts intended for the
celebration had come much earlier than the day
of celebration, we thought of reconstructing the
office building out of that money. We forthwith
started the work because the furniture and
windows of the office were being eaten up by
white ants. Another reason was that there was no
room for stocking the Ashram publications in the
office. The publications were till then kept in big
bookcases in the Udyog Shala. Moreover, the
office work was carried on in two or three
buildings. So co-ordination in the work was found
not possible. Again, the house by the side of the
office occupied by Sadhus had cracks in the walls
and so we had to construct a new building for
their use and incorporate the rest-house with the
office building by joining the foundations of these
two buildings. We received from a Bombay
devotee five thousand rupees for constructing a
separate room in the new office building for
securely stocking the Likhit Japa Yajna books. For
this purpose we had purchased twelve steel
cupboards. The cost of the building came to
about nineteen thousand rupees.
O Papa, the ocean of kindness! On account of
the construction of this building a large portion of
242
the money received for the celebration was
spent. So, whenever you hurried me up for
making preparations for the celebration, I did not
encourage you and asked you to go at a slower
pace. About five hundred families wrote to us
that they would be attending the celebration. To
prepare food for the expected countless number
of devotees, some of the inmates of the Ashram
arranged to procure the services of sixty cooks
from Trichur. To prepare tiffin we had to engage
about forty people from Mangalore who were
workers in a hotel there.
O Papa, the giver of bliss! Even after we
made these preparations I had not any
enthusiasm to proceed in the matter. At last I
made a list of all the requirements for this
celebration. Grocers came forward to supply all
the necessary provisions, etc., and soon our store
rooms were filled with the best available articles.
Next, workers came to construct Pandals. When I
saw them, I awoke, as it were, from a dream. For
constructing the Pandals we had no bamboos and
no coconut leaf mats. However, with the help of
about a hundred workers and other devotees the
Pandals were got ready within eighteen days. I
wondered how you managed to get ready all
these things. The devotees were carried away
with enthusiasm. The Ashram and the Pandals
243
were beautifully decorated and the celebration
took place on a grand scale. Many Mahatmas,
Sadhus, devotees, musicians, lecturers and
Harikatha performers assembled together and
embellished the celebration.
O compassion-incarnate Papa! Although the day
was celebrated with great pomp and
circumstance, I was not satisfied with regard to
four things. Firstly, there was a scarcity of water
and a lot of trouble was caused by it. Secondly,
the toilets temporarily built were unsatisfactory.
Thirdly, the Sadhus who came for the celebration
joined together and beat one of the Ashramites,
with the result that we had to drive away many
poor people along with them. And fourthly, some
devotees introduced the system of allowing
people through the gate only on the presentation
of tickets, in order to control the crowd. Although
the tickets were distributed free and thousands
of people were fed, there were some who did not
get meals and were put to trouble. I was then so
deeply pained that I felt that we were not at all fit
to conduct such functions on this scale. However,
all the programmes of the celebration were
carried out with great fervour and all the people
who attended it derived unique joy and ecstasy.


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BURDEN OF DEBTS
O ALL-PERVADING Papa! It was decided that
you would spend six months in the year at
Ramdas Ashram in Bhavnagar. As you found it
was not possible to spend so much time in that
Ashram, we stayed there for only two months in
the year. After the Silver Jubilee Celebration we
went on tour only twice. On the second occasion I
did not accompany you but remained in the
Ashram and started Bhajan for eight hours a day
during which Ram Nam was sung aloud by the
devotees. This programme was gone through
with the aim that you should remain in good
health. But, your health having failed at Madras, I
had to go to you at the place where you then
resided. You had to forthwith return to the
Ashram for recouping your health.
Again, after you were restored to your
normal health we started to go to Porbandar.
There, one of the Sadhus, who was none other
than yourself, with the help of his devotees had
built a temple of Hanuman and you were invited
for the installation of the images of Hanuman,
Rama, Sita and Lakshman in that temple. The
devotee who built Ramdas Ashram had also
245
liberally contributed towards the erection of this
temple. With the help and at the instance of this
devotee you installed the images, accompanied
by great grandeur.
O all-pervading Papa! As your health was not
good we decided not to move out of the Ashram
on tours again for some years. For various
reasons, my mind being depressed, I felt that we
should never again go on tours. If the devotees
wanted spiritual help let them come to the
Ashram. Moreover, a person who had seen your
face on return from your last tour sent word that
as there were signs of your health failing in the
ensuing years, you should not leave the Ashram
for at least three years. For these reasons we
stopped going on travels and increased the Ram
Nam Japa more than before in the Ashram.
O Papa, the kindness-incarnate! It is no
wonder that when the question of money was
mooted, the minds of people descended to a
lower plane. This was perhaps because in the
books that you wrote during your Sadhana you
had definitely stated that a Sadhaka should not
handle money at all. You were setting an example
by not having any money with you in those days.
But now, as you are pervading everywhere and
have become everything, just as we cannot
discard any part of our body, knowing as we do
246
that the entire body is ours, similarly you cannot
in your present state reject money. Besides, for
carrying out the ideals of the Ashram you cannot
but collect and keep money with you.
O Papa, the infinite Being! Just as every song
has a burden, so our Ashram has a burden of
debts. Although there were no debts for the
Ashram during the first few months after it was
opened, thereafter we had to face debts every
month. But you were paying them off through
the devotees who are your forms.
O Papa, the ocean of kindness! Though at the
time of clearing the liabilities we resolved each
time not to incur debts any more, the monthly
outstandings did not decrease. In the last
celebration we received all the money necessary
for the expenses, but as we took up the work of
construction of buildings and also utilised the
available funds for other purposes, we had to run
into debts. However, some devotees in Bombay
joined together and paid off part of the debts.
One of these devotees paid off the rest of the
debts a year later. This devotee and his family
had come to the rescue of the Ashram in the
same manner on many previous occasions. Since
then the Ashram has been entirely free from
financial liabilities.
247
O blissful Papa! When we last paid off the debts
we wished again that we should not, at least in
future, be burdened with them. Accordingly, we
stopped the annual celebrations and dispensed
with the services of such of the workers of the
Ashram as were appointed on salaries. But their
love for you, was so great that some of them did
not leave the Ashram service. They are working in
the Ashram even till today although they are not
being paid any salary. It is proposed to present
these workers with lands by purchasing them.
From the beginning the paid workers in the
Ashram were carrying on their work neatly,
regularly and with love as though they were
doing it in their own homes.














248
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SAINTS
O PAPA, the endless and beginningless! From
the time of the opening of the Ashram you had
been coming to the Ashram in the forms of many
worshipful saints. As they are the parents of the
whole universe they come to Anandashram in
order to give us, their children, the rare joy of
their Darshan. Their mission in life is to shower
on their children their grace so that they might
realise eternal happiness.
O Papa, the giver of bliss! Mahatmas are
those who, having pervaded everywhere, are still
transcendent. Therefore, wherever they go, in
whichever house they reside, they consider the
place and the house their own. So the Mahatmas,
who are our mother and father, feel immense joy
while at Anandashram. In certain circumstances,
even if we commit any mistakes, they forgive us,
as we are their children. Some of them offer to
serve in the Ashram and when I agree, they do it
with all love and joy.
O infinite Papa! Victory and victory to these
Mahatmas who are giving joy and peace to all
people. I, your little child, pray to you that these
Mahatmas might shower their grace on all who
249
are caught in the meshes of worldly life and grant
them true and lasting happiness.
O all-pervading Papa! When you play as a
worldly person you do so, taking yourself as a
mere body. But when you play as a Guru you do
so with the full consciousness that you are the
entire universe and also beyond it. Whether you
play as a Guru or as a worldly being, so far as the
body is concerned there is no difference of any
kind in both cases. Just as the father and mother,
having body-consciousness, love their children
and relatives, so also the Guru, realising the
whole universe as his body, loves his disciples,
devotees and all beings in the universe.
O Papa, who is infinite kindness! It is natural
that all human beings love those who love them.
We love more those who do things for our good.
When we get anything which we love, we wish
that those whom we love should also get it. In
like manner, those who have attained eternal
bliss, wish that the rest of the world should
experience the same bliss. They extend their love
equally to those who are related to them or any
other who goes to them. The Mahatmas show
more interest and give greater attention to those
persons who are depending upon them for their
spiritual progress and realisation of the Eternal,
as also those who aspire for material gains. They
250
are, however, more concerned with those who
aspire for the Eternal.
Thus, the Mahatmas may appear to be loving
some people more and some less. Those who do
not understand them, seeing such apparent
differences in the love of the Mahatmas, find
fault with them. But as saints play with the full
consciousness that they are the universe, they
are always free from such blemishes, since
whatever they do is for themselves and not for
others.
O compassionate Papa! If we take our own
body as an example do we not see differences in
all parts of it from head to foot? Is there no
variety in the activities of these parts? What the
hand does cannot be done by the leg and vice
versa. The work of the eye cannot be done by the
ear; the work of the ear cannot be done by the
nose. Each organ can perform only its own work
but not that of others.
So we toil hard with the hands and feed the
mouth. We do not feel, nor do the limbs
themselves feel: "Why should the hands work
and the mouth eat?" Besides, since we take the
body as ourselves and do everything for its sake,
we have no reason to feel sorry that the hands
alone are doing so much work. In fact, the hand is
at once ourselves and ours, and there is no
251
reason to feel jealous of the mouth because it
eats what is produced by the hand, since the
mouth is ourselves and ours and what is done for
it is done for our own sake. In the same way,
those who have attained the knowledge that they
are the universe and also beyond it, give to one
and not to another, care for one and not for
another, since all are they and theirs. They do all
actions for their own sake. So there is absolutely
nothing wrong in their actions. But this
knowledge or experience you have not granted to
all people. It is for this reason that they behold
frailties in Mahatmas. Therefore, I entreat you,
who are Purushottama, to bless all people with
the vision of your eternal Being.














252
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SPIRITUAL PERFECTION
O PURUSHOTTAMA Papa! who is all-
pervading and all-transcendent, yet my Divine
Mother and Father! You caused me to be born in
your infinite creation and made me pass for
twenty-five years through all the pains and joys of
the worldly life. Being your child enveloped in
complete ignorance, I felt happiness as
happiness, pain as pain and grief as grief. During
this period I could not understand why you gave
me all these experiences. I did not know then
that there was a state beyond grief and joy. But,
all-compassionate as you are, on the lapse of
twenty-five years, you brought me into your
presence and gave me the knowledge that there
is a Truth beyond pain and pleasure and that all
the manifest creation and the pairs of opposites
born of sight and hearing have sprung from it.
You then blessed me with a keen longing to know
what this supreme Reality is. In a short time you
gave me the realisation of it. As a consequence I
got the vision that I am the entire universe and
also transcend it. Now I am convinced that in this
world creation, whatever I see and hear and
whatever things are related to pain and pleasure
are perfectly natural. Moreover, I came to know
253
that in your dynamic Being these opposites are
alike. With this knowledge and experience,
having become your child, looking upon you as
the Universal Mother, I am currently engaged in
all actions in accordance with the movements of
your universal nature.
O Papa, the ruler of the universe! Your
greatness is indescribable. You are not only
pervading the world, you are also the world and
beyond it. Before granting me this exalted
experience, you kept me in the consciousness
that I was a mere body. In this condition my
mind, not enjoying serenity and peace, was
running hither and thither. I was then a prey to all
kinds of thoughts regarding my body and those of
others. When I was interested in others, I was
obsessed by the thought that they were either
different or separate from me. On gaining your
presence my restless mind, by your grace, started
concentrating itself on your eternal Being. Still, at
times my mind, as was its habit, wandered here
and there. At last, owing to the fullness of your
grace, when it was in tune with your immortal
Being, it became for some period calm and
serene.
After realising your supreme Being, when my
mind came down to external consciousness
which was till then making me think that I was a
254
mere body, it now granted me the experience
that the whole universe was myself and that I
was also beyond it and it attained true bliss. My
Atmic experience made me feel that my eternal
life cannot be burnt by fire or wetted by water. I
became aware that you granted my sublimated
mind the signs and attributes of your eternal
Being. Your sole object was to bless me with the
rare experience of the everlasting bliss of your
immortal existence.
O Purushottama Papa, who is at once
omnipresent and transcendent! Having
manifested in various forms, you are enacting this
world Lila. Always victory, victory to you!
It is my wish that no corrections of any type
should be made in the future editions of this
book.
Om Sri Ram Jai Ram Jai Jai Ram





255
GLOSSARY
Adharma Unrighteousness
Ajapa Japa A special method of
repeating God's Name
Ajna Chakra Sixth centre in the Sushumna
through which the Kundalini
rises
Ajnani One who is ignorant of the
Self
Akhanda Bhajan Repetition of God's Name
continuously without break
Arati Waving lights before the
Deity during worship
Asan A seat or Yogi's posture
Ashram Abode of a saint
Atman Supreme Soul
Atmic Relating to the Supreme Soul
Bhajan Religious songs
Bhu-Pradakshina Going round the world
Bilva A tree whose leaves are
sacred to Lord Siva
Charkas Spinning wheel
Darshan Visit or Vision
Dharmashala Rest-house
Diwali Lamp festival
256
Ekanath Shashti Sixth day of the lunar
fortnight sacred to the name
of Ekanath Maharaj
Ganesh Chaturthi Fourth day of the lunar
fortnight sacred to the name
of Lord Ganesh
Ganja Indian hemp
Goshala Cow-shed
Guru (Gurudev) Spiritual preceptor
Guru Mantra A mystic word or words
initiated by the Guru
Hanuman Jayanti The birthday of Lord
Hanuman
Harikatha A religious discourse
accompanied by music
Japa Repetition of God's Name
Japa-mala Rosary used for Japa
Jeevanmukta A liberated soul while living
in the body
Jnani One who has attained Self-
knowledge
Kula Guru Family spiritual preceptor ,
Kundalini Serpent power-the spiritual
energy lying dormant in all
individuals
257
Likhit Japa Yajna The worship of God by
writing His Name repeatedly
Lila The Divine Play
Linga A symbol of Lord Siva
Mahalaya Amavasya An auspicious new moon
day in the
Hindu almanac
Mahatma A high-souled person
Makara Sankranti The day on which the sun
moves into Makara Rasi
(Capricorn sign of the Zodiac)
Mantra A mystic word or words
Math Hindu monastery
Murthi Image
Naivedya An offering of eatables to a
Deity
Namaskar Salutation
Naraka Chaturadasi The 14th day of the dark
lunar fortnight on which the
demon Naraka was killed by
Sri Krishna.
Payasam A sweet pudding
Panchamrita An aggregate of five sweet
things
Pandal Temporary shelter made of
mats
258
Pradakshina Circumambulation
Prasad Food offered to God
Puja Ritualistic worship
Punya Tithi The lunar day on which a
holy person departs from the
world (Death anniversary)
Puranas Books of Hindu mythology
Purushottama Supreme Godhead
Purushottama Yoga Union with the Supreme
Godhead
Poorvashram Pre-Sannyas period in life

Ram God
Ram Mantra An incantation containing the
word Ram
Ram-Nam Name of Ram
Ram Navami The birthday of Sri
Ramachandra
Sadguru True spiritual preceptor
Sadhaka Spiritual aspirant
Sadhana Spiritual practice
Sadhus Holy persons, saints, religious
mendicants
Sahaja Natural Superconscious state
259
Sahasrara The mystical thousand-
petalled lotus in the cere-
brum
Samadhi A saint's tomb or trance
condition
Sandhya Dawn and dusk
Sandhya (vandan) Ritualistic worship performed
by caste Hindus at dawn,
noon and dusk
Sannyas The monastic life; the last of
the four stages of life
Sannyasi Hindu monk
Sannyasini A female Hindu monk
Saraswat Guru A Guru belonging to the
Saraswat community
Sari An Indian woman's wearing
cloth
Sattwa The quality of light, harmony
and peace
Seva Service
Shastiabdapoorty Completion of sixty years of
life
Siva Linga Image of Lord Siva
Siddhis Occult powers
260
Sivaratri The night on which special
worship is offered to Lord
Siva annually
Sumangali A Hindu woman whose
husband is alive
Swami Lord, a Prefix used before the
name of sannyasis and saints
Tamas The quality of dullness,
delusion and darkness
Tirtha Holy water
Tulsi A plant sacred to Lord Vishnu
- a diety of the Hindu Trinity
Udyog Shala Industrial School
Upanayanam Sacred thread ceremony
initiating into Brahmacharya
Vairagi A person of intense
renunciation
Veda Mantra Incantation from any of the
four great original sacred
books of the Hindus
Vidyalaya School
Virat Purusha The Lord in the form of the
universe
Yati An ascetic, sannyasi