The Breathing Method PDF
The Breathing Method PDF
The Breathing Method PDF
During those five weeks, I went to the New York Public Library
and looked for some stories by Edward Gray Seville. There were
no books by that author.
One day in August the next year, I was asked to go and see
George Waterhouse in his office. When I got there, I saw that
Robert Carden and Henry Effingham were also there. For a
moment I was afraid I had done something badly wrong and was
going to be asked to explain it.
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Then Carden said, 'George thinks the time has come to make
you a partner, David. The rest of us agree.'
There were no bad dreams that night. Ellen and I went to a
restaurant for dinner, drank too much, then went on to a club
where we listened to music until two o'clock in the morning.
We were both unable to completely believe what had
happened.
Later that year, I was sent to Copenhagen on business for
six weeks. I returned to discover that John Hanrahan, one of
the men who came to 249 East 35th, had died. The rest of us
gave money for his wife and it was given to Stevens to post
to her.
Arlene Hanrahan was a member of Ellen's Theatre Club,
and Ellen told me some time later that Arlene had received ten
thousand four hundred dollars. The message with it had said:
'From friends of your husband, John' , nothing more.
'Isn't that the strangest thing you've ever heard in your life?'
Ellen asked me.
And then, two weeks before Christmas this year, Stevens asked us
who was going to tell our Christmas tale.
'I suppose I've got one I can tell,' Emlyn McCarron said.
McCarron had never told a story before. Not since I had
begun coming to 249. Perhaps that's why I called the taxi so
early. Perhaps that's why I felt excited. And I saw the same
feelings of excitement on the faces of the five others who had
come out that awful, freezing December night.
McCarron was old, and with skin like leather. He sat in the big
chair by the fire. The packet was in his hands, and he threw it on
to the flames. They changed colours madly before returning to
yellow again. Stevens passed among us with wine. Money was
quietly pressed into his hand. It was ten years since I first came to
249 with George Waterhouse, and much had changed in the
world. But nothing had changed in here. And Stevens did not
look a single day older.
He moved back into the shadows. For a moment, there was a
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perfect silence. McCarron looked into the fire, and we did
the same. The flames seemed specially wild that night. Then
McCarron began to speak . . .
Chapter 2 McCarron's Story: The Breathing
Method
Most of you know the Harriet White Hospital, the building
almost opposite Madison Square Garden. It is named after
Harriet White, my grandfather's first wife. She died before I
was born, but there is a statue of her in front of the hospital
building. If you have seen it, you may be surprised to learn
that someone who looks so cold and stiff and unfeeling was a
nurse.
I was born inside that grey stone building on 20 March 1900.
I returned there as a young hospital doctor in 1926. Before this,
I had been a doctor in France at the end of World War I. The
Harriet White Hospital plays an important part in the story I
am going to tell you. It is about something that happened in
1935.
Birth, gentlemen, is an unpleasant thing to many people.
These days, fathers are often there when their child is born,
which seems to me to be a very healthy and sensible thing.
But I have seen men leave the delivery room with white
faces and sick stomachs after hearing the cries and seeing the
blood. Birth is wonderful, gentlemen, but I have never found
it beautiful. A woman's womb is like an engine. As the birth
of her child gets nearer, the speed of that engine becomes
faster and faster, louder and louder, until finally it's like the
roar of a wild animal. Once that silent 'engine' has been
turned on, every mother understands that either she will
bring that baby into the world, or that engine will get louder
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and harder and faster until it bursts, killing her in blood and
pain.
This is the story of a birth, gentlemen. I tell it to you at
Christmas, when we remember that other birth which happened
almost two thousand years ago.
I began to practise medicine in 1929, but it was in April 1935
that a young woman - I will call her Sandra Stansfield - came
to see me. The name is close enough to her real name. She was
a young white woman who said her age was twenty-eight.
After examining her, I guessed her real age to be four or five
years younger. She had fair hair and was about five feet eight
inches tall. She was quite beautiful, but with a cool look in her
eye. She was intelligent, and looked like the sort of person who
got what they wanted from life. Something about the firm line
of her mouth reminded me of Harriet White's statue outside
the hospital. The name she put on her form was not Sandra
Stansfield but Jane Smith. My examination told me that she
was two months pregnant. She was not wearing a wedding
ring.
Jane Smith?' my nurse said to me after the young woman had
gone. 'That's not her real name.'
I agreed. But I liked the way she had given a simple name, and
not tried to think of a more complicated one, hoping that I
would believe it was real.
You need a name for your form, she seemed to be saying, because
that is the law. So here is a name.
Ella, my nurse, said something about ' modern girls' and 'they
don't care who knows', but she knew it was not like that. 'Jane
Smith' was a very serious young woman. It was difficult and
unpleasant to be unmarried and pregnant at that time, but she
intended to do her best for herself and her baby.
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'You're pregnant,' I said. 'You were almost sure of that,
weren't you ?'
She came back a week later. It was a wonderful spring day, a
warm sun, a blue sky. The sort of day when you wish you did
not have to work or be responsible, but could sit on a beach by a
warm sea, perhaps. Sit opposite a lovely woman of your own,
who looks as pretty as the day in a big white hat and a dress
covered with flowers.
Jane Smith's dress was white, but was still almost as pretty as
the day. She wore brown shoes, white gloves, and a small round
hat that was no longer quite the fashion. It was the first sign to
tell me that she was not at all a rich woman.
'You're pregnant,' I said. 'You were almost sure of that,
weren't you?'
If there are to be tears, I thought, they will come now.
'Yes,' she replied calmly. There were no tears. ' When will I
deliver?'
'It will be a Christmas baby,' I said. ' The date I will give
you is 10 December, but it may be two weeks before or after
that.'
'All right.' She was silent for a moment, then went on, ' I' m
not married. Will you deliver the baby?'
'Yes,' I said. 'But you must do something first.'
Her face became more serious. It looked even more like the
face of Harriet White. 'And what is that?' she asked in a cool
voice.
'I must know your real name,' I said. 'You can continue to pay
me in cash, and I can continue to give you a receipt in the name
of Jane Smith. But if we are going to travel through the next
seven months together, I want to be able to call you by the name
you use during the rest of your life.'
I watched her. Was she going to thank me for my time and
leave? I would be sorry if that happened. I liked her. And I liked
the way she was managing a problem which caused most other
women shame and embarrassment at that time. I suppose many
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young people today would find that sort of thinking quite
stupid. But at that time, a married pregnant woman was a
proud and happy woman, doing what God intended her to
do. An unmarried pregnant woman was not so lucky. She was
made to feel a deep and awful shame. She often went away
to have her baby in another town or city, or to take pills or
j ump from a high building. Others got rid of their unwanted
babies themselves, or went to some butcher of a doctor to do
the job.
'All right,' she said. ' My name is Sandra Stansfield. I hope we
can be friends. I need a friend just now. I'm quite frightened.'
'I can understand that,' I said. 'I'll try to be your friend if I
can, Miss Stansfield. Is there anything I can do for you now?'
She opened her bag and took out a pen and some paper. 'I
want to know the best things to eat, for the baby, I mean.'
'I will give you a little book for pregnant women. It tells you
all about food and weight and drinking and smoking. Please
don' t laugh, but I wrote it myself
It was called A Guide to Pregnancy and Delivery. I was specially
interested in pregnancy and birth - I still am - and I read all the
latest information on the subject. And because my opinions
were strong and enthusiastic, I wrote my own book instead of
just passing on the old, tired advice given to young mothers
then. There was a lot of it, at that time, but I'll just tell you two
things.
Pregnant women were told to stay off their feet as much as
possible, and not to walk long distances. Now giving birth is hard
work. And that sort of advice is like telling a football player to
prepare for a big game by sitting down as much as possible, so
that he doesn't get himself too tired! Another popular piece of
advice given to pregnant women by many doctors was to start
smoking, to keep down their weight. Smoking!
I gave Miss Stansfield my little book and she looked at it for
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five minutes without speaking, but turning the pages. When she
did look up, there was a small smile on her Hps. 'You are . . .
different, Dr McCarron. Walking . . . swimming . . . vitamin pills
for pregnant women . . . and breathing exercises! What breathing
exercises?'
I smiled back at her. 'I'll tell you later on. If you will see my
nurse, Mrs Davidson, she will arrange for you to come and see
me again.'
'Mrs Davidson has not got a good opinion of me,' she said.
' I' m sure that's not true,' I said, but I've never been able to tell
lies very well. The warm feeling between us suddenly
disappeared.
She walked to the door.
' Do you intend to keep the baby?' I asked her.
She turned and smiled a secret smile which I am sure only
pregnant women know. ' Oh, yes,' she said. And she went out of
the door.
After that, I forgot all about her until the end of the day when
Ella Davidson spoke about her.
'Your Miss Jane Smith did something strange after she saw you
this morning,' she said.
I saw from the look on her face that her opinion of the young
woman had changed.
'What was that?'
'She said, "How much will it cost for all my visits to Dr
McCarron, for the delivery, and for the time I stay in hospital?
Can you add up the figures and tell me exactly?" '
That was strange. This was 1935, remember, and Miss
Stansfield seemed to be a woman on her own. Did she have
a lot of money? I didn't think so.
'Did you do it?' I asked.
Mrs Davidson looked at me as if I was mad. 'Did I? Of course I
did! And she paid it all. In cash.'
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'She took a bank book out of her bag, opened it, and counted the
money out on to my desk.'
The cash had surprised Mrs Davidson (in a pleasant way, of
course). It didn't surprise me. One thing which the Jane Smiths
of this world can't do is write cheques.
'She took a bank book out of her bag, opened it, and counted
the money out on to my desk,' Mrs Davidson continued. 'Then
she put her receipt into the bank book, and put both book and
receipt back into her bag. When you think of the way we have to
chase some of the "nice" people to pay their bills !'
'I know,' I said. But I was not happy with the Stansfield
woman for paying that way, and I was not happy with Mrs
Davidson for being so pleased. And something about the whole
thing made me feel small.
' How can she pay for her time in hospital now?' I asked. ' How
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long will she be in there? We don' t know. Or can you suddenly
see into the future, Ella?'
'I told her that. "How long is usual if everything goes
well?" she asked. I told her three days. Was I right, Dr
McCarron?'
I agreed that she was.
'She said, "I'll pay for three days, and if it is longer I will pay
the extra money. And if" '
'If it is shorter, we can give her back some money,' I finished.
She was a brave woman, I could not deny that.
Mrs Davidson's smile seemed to show that she agreed.
A month went by, and Miss Stansfield came again. She wore a
blue dress which looked fresh and pretty. Her shoes did not
match it. They were the same brown ones which she had worn
before.
I examined her carefully and saw that everything was all right.
I told her this, and she was pleased.
'I discovered the vitamin pills which you suggested, Dr
McCarron.'
'Did you? That's good.'
She smiled a cheeky smile. ' The chemist advised me not to
take them.'
' He thought it was odd because vitamins for pregnant women
are a new idea,' I told her. 'Did you take his advice?'
' No, I took yours. You're my doctor.'
'Thank you.'
Her look became serious. ' Dr McCarron, when will it begin
to show that I'm pregnant?'
' Not until August. September, if you choose the right
clothes.'
'Thank you.' She picked up her bag but did not immediately
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get up to go. She seemed to want to talk, but didn't know where
to begin.
'Are you a working woman?' I asked.
She nodded. 'Yes, I work.'
' Can I ask where?'
'In a large shop. What other job can an unmarried woman do
in the city? I sell clothes to fat ladies who colour their hair.'
I smiled. ' How long will you continue?'
'Until somebody notices that I'm pregnant and have no
wedding ring. Then they'll ask me to leave, before the fat
ladies become shocked and begin to complain.'
Quite suddenly, her eyes were bright with tears. I put my hand
in a pocket for a handkerchief, but the tears didn't fall, not a
single one. Her lips became tight. . . and then smooth again. She
simply decided to control her feelings, and she did.
' I' m sorry,' she said. 'You've been very kind to me. I won' t tell
you my very ordinary, boring story.' She stood up.
'I can listen,' I said, 'and I have some time.'
' No, ' she said. ' Thank you, but no.'
'All right,' I said. 'But there's another thing I want to say.'
'Yes?'
'I never ask people to pay for all their visits before they have
made them. I hope if you . . . if you feel you want to . . . or have
to . . .' I stopped, uncertain what to say next.
'I've lived in New York four years, Dr McCarron, and I'm
careful with my money. After August - or September - I'll have
to live on the money I've saved, until I can go back to work
again. I don' t have a lot of money, and sometimes at night I
become frightened.' She looked at me with those wonderful
brown eyes. 'It seems better to pay for the baby first, because
that's where the baby is in my thoughts. It's better if the money is
with you so that I can't spend it later, when things get
difficult.'
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'All right, but please tell me if you need it,' I said. ' Do you
intend to work as long as possible?'
'Yes, I have to. Why?'
'I think I'm going to frighten you a little before you go,' I
said.
Her eyes opened wider. ' Don' t do that,' she said. ' I' m
frightened enough already.'
'Please,' I said, 'sit down again.'
After a moment, she sat down on the chair.
'Things are very difficult for you,' I said, 'and you are man-
aging them very well.' She began to speak but I stopped her.
'That's good. But I don' t want to see you hurt your baby because
you feel you need more money. There was a woman who did
not take my advice. She pushed and packed herself into tight
clothes which became tighter and tighter each month. She was a
silly woman who did not want people to notice that she was
pregnant. I don' t believe she really wanted the baby. Some
people might say she was trying to kill it.'
'And did she?' Miss Stansfield's face was very still.
' No, but the baby was born with a damaged brain. Now, it may
not have been the woman's foolish way of dressing that damaged
the baby, but we can't be sure.'
'I understand,' she said, quietly. 'You don' t want me to . . .
to pack myself in so that I can work another month or six
weeks. I did think about it, so thank you for frightening me a
little.'
I walked to the door with her.
How much or how little money had she saved?
How much was left?
I wanted to ask her these things, but I knew that she would
not answer them. So I said goodbye.
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I learned her story a bit at a time over the next six months.
She came to the city from a small town in Iowa or Nebraska, I
don' t remember now. She wanted to be an actress. She came to
New York because she didn't believe the magazine stories that
said any girl going to Hollywood could become a filmstar. And I
think she thought that the theatre was more interesting than the
film business.
She got a job in one of the large shops, and joined an acting
school. She was clever, she worked hard, but she was lonely. Very
lonely. Lonely in the way that only single girls from small towns
can understand.
There was a young man in her acting school. The two of
them went out together, several times. She did not love him, but
she needed a friend. By the time she discovered he was not that,
she was pregnant. She told the young man, and he said he was
going to 'do the right thing' and marry her. A week later, he
was gone from the place where he lived. He left no other
address.
That was when she came to me.
She was a little worried during that autumn. She was afraid that I
was going away for the Christmas holidays and might not be
there when her baby arrived. She was afraid that her baby was
going to be delivered by some doctor who would not let her use
the Breathing Method.
I tried to tell her that I had no family to visit, that I was not
leaving the city.
'Are you ever lonely?' she asked.
'Sometimes. Usually I keep too busy. Now, take this.' I wrote
down my home telephone number on some paper and gave it to
her. 'You can always phone me here -'
' Oh, no, I couldn't -'
' Do you want to use the Breathing Method? Or do you want
to get some doctor who will think you're mad when you start to
"choo-choo"?'
She smiled a little. 'All right.'
The autumn passed, and she was asked to move out of her
room. She moved to the one she had seen in the Village. And she
got work for two days each week. A blind woman paid her to
clean her house, and then to read to her.
But I knew something was worrying her. She looked healthy,
but there was a shadow on her face. Sometimes, she was slow
to answer my questions, and once she didn't answer at all.
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I looked up to see her staring at the photograph on my wall with a
strange, dreamy look on her face.
I looked up to see her staring at the photograph on my wall with
a strange, dreamy look on her face. That ice-cold feeling came
over my skin again . . . and her next words did nothing to warm
me.
'I have a feeling, Dr McCarron, sometimes quite a strong
feeling, that something terrible is going to happen to me.'
Yes, I feel that, too. Those were the words which came to my
lips. But instead of saying them, I told her that she was not the
first pregnant woman to feel that way.
She was looking at the photograph again. ' Who is that?' she
asked.
'Emlyn McCarron,' I said, trying to make a joke of it. ' When
he was quite young.'
' No, I recognized you, of course,' she said. ' The woman. Who
is the woman?'
' Her name is Harriet White,' I said, and thought: And her stone
face will be the first face you will see when you arrive to deliver your
child.
The ice-cold feeling came back again.