DIALOGUE 1.

A present for Pen elope

PETER:
PERCY:
PETER:
PERCY:
PETER:
PERCY:
PETER:
PERCY:
PETER:

Pass the pepper, will you, please, Percy, old chap?

Pepper? You're not proposing to put pepper on your porridge?
Shut up, Percy! Why do you always presume that I'm stupid?
Well, stop snapping and explain the purpose of the pepper pot.
It's perfectly simple. I want to compare our pepper pot with the pepper pot
I've bought as a preserit for Penelope Popplewell.
A practical--but pretty expensive--present!
Well, she's a super person. I thought perhaps, if you happened to be passing
the Post Office ... Could you possibly pop the parcel in the post?
Am I expected to pay the postage on this pepper pot for Penelope
Popplewell ?
Percy, you're irnpossible! I may be poor but I have my pride! Here's 1 for the
postage.

DIALOGUE 2. Brandy in the baby's bottle!

Telephone rings. Brr ... brr brr.
BOB: Bob Batterby.
BABS: Oh Bob, this is Babs. I'm baby-sitting for Betty and my brother Bill. I'm sorry
to bother you but ...
BOB: What's the trouble? No problem's too big when Bob's on the job!
BABS: Oh stop being stupid, Bob. It's baby. I put her on the balcony on a blanket
with a biscuit to bite on and I think a bit of biscuit ... She can't breathe.
BOB: Bang her on the back, between the shoulder blades.
BABS: I've banged her till she's black and blue.
BOB: Try putting a bit of brandy in her bottle.
BABS: Brandy in the baby's bottle! Oh Bob!
BOB: Sorry, Babs. Sounds bad. I'd better bicycle over. Be with you before yqu can
say 'bread and butter'.
BABS: Bless you, Bob. 'Bye 'bye. Be quick!

DIALOGUE 4. All dressed up for a date with David

DONALD: And what's my darling daughter doing all dressed up?
DEIRDRE: I've got a date with David, Daddy. We're going to a dance at Dudley
Head, with Dan and Ada Dodd.
DONALD: David? Not that dreary lad who came to dinner on Friday and trod on the
dog? Deirdre, he's dreadful!
DEIRDRE: Oh Daddy! He's divine! I adore him!
DONALD: I found him dreadfully dull, I'm afraid. You know, that dress doesn't do
anything for you, my dear. Dark red! Darling, it's so deadening, so
dreadfully drab!
DEIRDRE: Oh Daddy! Why is everything I do dreadful these days? (The front doorbell rings.) Oh, there's David! I must dash.
DONALD: Is he driving? Don't let him drink. And don't forget, you said you'd be in
bed by midnight.
DEIRDRE: Oh Daddy!

DIALOGUE 5. Cash in the ice-cream carton

COLIN: O.K., Mike. At six o'clock you take a taxi to the bank. Max will come out
with the cash in a cream-coloured case ...
MIKE: I'm to collect the cash?
COLIN: Of course. Don't ask questions. Just concentrate.
MIKE: Colin, if they catch me I'll confess.
COLIN: Keep quiet, can't you? At a quarter to six Coco will be parked at the corner of
the Market Square.
MIKE: I'll scream. I'm a coward. The kids at school ...
COLIN: Pack the cash in the ice-cream carton in the back of the car and make your
way as quick as you can back to the cafe.
MIKE: Colin, I'm scared.
COLIN: Oh crikey, Mick! You do make me sick!

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DIALOGUE 6. Eggs from the Greek grocer

GLADYS: Gran, I'm hungry. Can we go home?
GRANNY: Grumbling again, Gladys! A great big girl like you. Now take my grey bag
and go and get some eggs from the grocer, there's a good girl.
GLADYS: But Gran ...
GRANNY: I'm going to send a telegram to your grandfather. Oh, give me my glasses
before you go. In the green and gold grosgrain case.
GLADYS: But Granny ...
GRANNY: Don't giggle, girl, I'm beginning to get angry. Go and get the eggs.
GLADYS: But Gran, it's no good my going to the grocer. I-Ie's gone away. He goes
back to Greece every August. I-Ie's Greek.
GRANNY: Gone to Greece? How disgraceful!

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DIALOGUE 9. A visit to Vladivostok

OUVER: Victor, have you ever visited Vladivostok?
VICTOR: Never. In fact, I haven't travelled further than Liverpool.
OLIVER: I've had an invitation from the University of Vladivostok to give a survey of
my own creative verse.
VICTOR: How marvellous!
OLIVER: Will my navy overcoat be heavy enough, I wonder? It's long-sleeved and
reversible. And I've got a pair of velvet Levis-rather a vivid violet! Do you
think they'll approve?
VICTOR: I should think the professors will view violet Levis with violent disapproval.
When do you leave?
OUVER: On the 7th of November.
VICTOR: I don't advise you to travel on the 7th. It's the anniversary of the Valentine
Invasion. And for heaven's sake, Oliver, don't overdo the caviar. Or the
vodka.
OLIVER: Victor, I do believe you're envious!

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DIALOGUE 10. Rowena, are you awake?

Rowena! Are you awake?
What? Edward, what's wrong? What time is it?
EnwARD: Oh, about two o'clock.
ROWENA: In the morning? Oh, go away! What are you doing?
EDWARD: Come to the window, Rowena. Look-the whole world's white,
there's a wicked wind blowing through Orwell Wood, whispering
in the willows, whipping the water into waves, while over in the West ...
ROWENA: Oh, waxing poetical! You are off your head! I always knew it! Why are you
wearing your wellingtons?
EDWARD: I want to go out and wander in the woods. Come with me, Rowena! I can't
wait to go walking in that wild and wonderful weather.
ROWENA: I wish you wouldn't wake me up at two in the morning to go on a
wild-goose chase!
EDWARD: Oh, woman, woman! Stop whining! What a wet blanket you are!
EnWAKD:

ROWENA:

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DIALOGUE 15Q The zoology exam6's on Thursday

EZRA:
. LIZZIE:
EZRA:
LIZZIE:

EZRA:
LIZZIE:
EZRA:
LIZZIE:
EZRA:

I-low's things these days, Lizzie?

I'm exhausted. Revising for the zoology exam!
You've got bags under your eyes, Lizzie. Take it easy!
It's all very well for you to advise, Ezra, but I'm going crazy. One of those
miserable Zeno boys, two houses down, plays his transistor as ifhe was as far
away as Mars!
Boys will be boys. These days everyone plays transistors.
But he refuses to close the windows!
Then close your ears to the noise, Lizzie. One learns to ignore these things,
as if they didn't exist.
Please, Ezra. The exam's on Thursday.
And today's Tuesday! That only leaves two days! You'd better get busy,
Lizzie!

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DIALOGUE 11a The great decision

JACQUES:
JEAN:

JACQUES:

, lEAN:

ixtduES:
JEAN:

I have made a great decision, Jean. I have bought a television.

You? J acques, on how many occasions have you told me that television was
an intrusion into the privacy of the house, that it destroyed the pleasures
of conversation, that people no longer know how to make use of their
leisure ...
I know, I know. And it's unusual for me to suffer a revision of thought, but
on this occasion . . .
Where is this treasure?
Hidden in the garage. Please make no allusion to it. I -shall tell the family
casually, as if there were nothing unusual in my buying a television.
After years of derision-I hope you will not be disillusioned by your
television.

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DIALOGUE 19. George's jaw

DR IONES: Ah, George, jolly good. Just exchange your jacket and jeans for these
pyjamas, while I jot down your injuries in my register. Age, religion,
that's the usual procedure.
GEORGE: Well, Doctor lones, I was just driving over the bridge on the edge of the
village ...
DR IONES: Half a jiffy. Let's adjourn to the surgery. I've got a large sandwich and a
jar of orange juice in the fridge. Join me?
GEORGE: Jeepers! My indigestion ... and my jaw! I shan't manage ...
DR JONES: A generous measure of gin-just the job!
GEORGE: It's my jaw, Doctor. I was on the bridge at the edge of the village.
r was just adjusting the engine when this soldier jumped out of the
hedge ...
DR IONES: Imagine! He damaged your jaw, did he? I suggest an injection into the
joint. Just a jiffy. I'll change the syringe.
GEORGE: Oh jeepers! Gently,Dr Jones!

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DIALOGUE 22. I'd rather be a mother than a father

FATHER:
MOTHER:
FATHER:
MOTHER:
FATHER:
MOTHER:
FATHER:
MOTHER:
FATHER:
MOTHER:
FATHER:

Where are the others?

They've gone bathing. Heather and her brother called for them.
Heather Feather?
No, the other Heather-Heather Mather. I told them to stay together, and
not to go further than Northern Cove.
Why didn't you go with them?
I'd rather get on with the ironing without them.
In this weather? There's a southerly breeze. One can hardly breathe
indoors.
Go and have a bathe, then.
Another bathe? I can't be bothered. I'll go with you, though.
But all these clothes ... who'd be a mother!
I'd rather be a mother than a father! All those hungry mouths!

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DIALOGUE 23. Happy honeymoon

HAZEL: Hullo, Hanna. H"ave you heard about Hilda and Harry?
HANNA: Hilda and Harry Hall? They're on their honeymoon in Ilonolulu.
IiAZEL: Yes, the Happy Holiday Hotel. But apparently they had the most hideous
row.
HANNA: Hilda and her husband? fiandsome Harry?
HAZEL: My dear, haven't you heard? lIe held her by the hair and hit her on the head
with a hammer.
I-IANNA: What inhuman behaviour! I hope she's not badly hurt?
HA.ZEL: Heavens, yes! Horribly! ffe hurried her to the- hospital--you know how
Hilda hates hospitals.
HANNA: But how did it happen?
HAZEL: He says it was the heat that went to his head!

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DIALOGUE

24~

A king and a song

INGRID: There once was a kingMUNGo:King of England?

INGRID: No. This king's kingdom was far-fiung, stretching along the banks of every
winding river, spreading into all the angles of the world.
MUNGO: He must have been a very strong king. The strongest! Did everything belong
to him?
INGRID: Almost everything. One evening he was sitting on the bank of his longest
river, watching the sun sink behind the weeping willowsMUNGO: And the nightingales calling from the darkening branches.
INGRID: Only they weren't nightingales. They were two monks ringing a tinkling
bell, singing a sad lingering song in a strange tongue no longer known
among the younger subjects of his far-flung kingdom.
MUNGO: It's beginning to be interesting. But I'm getting hungry. Can you bring me
something to eat and drink, do you think, Ingrid?

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DIALOGUE 21. My birth day' s on Thur sday

RUTH:
It's my birthd ay on Thurs day. My sixth birthd ay.
ARTHUR: My seven th birthd ay's on the 13th of next month , so I'm-l
et me think 333 days older than you, Ruth.
RUTH:
Do you always put your thumb in your mouth when you're doing
arithmetic , Arthu r?
ARTHUR: My tooth' s loose, Ruth. See? I like maths . I came fourth
out of 33. My
father 's a mathe matic ian.
RUTH:
My father 's an autho r. He writes for the theatr e. We're very
wealth y.
When I'm 30 I'll have a thous and pound s.
ARTHUR: I'm going to be an Olym pic athlet e. I may be thin but Mr
Smith says I've got
the streng th of three. Watch me. I'll throw this thing the length of
the path.
RUTH:
Oh Arthu r! You'v e throw n earth all over us both. I'm filthy! Now
they'll
make me have a bath!

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