Pee Off Sketch
Pee Off Sketch
com
PEE-OFF
TYLER POUNDS
7/10/15 Draft 1
INT. MENS BATHROOM NIGHT
DWAYNE is fumbling with his belt and buttons at one of two
urinals in an empty bathroom.
In walks JAY, right before the floods were released. DWAYNE
tenses up as any man who is surprised when his genitals are
exposed.
JAY pauses a moment; there is no buffer urinal. He can tell
the stall is plain ungodly, so he sides right up to DWAYNE.
DWAYNE leans away from JAY.
JAY quickly and methodically unzips his fly.
Absolute SILENCE. No streams of urine yet.
They both share a look, both look away embarrassed to have
been seen looking in another peeing mans general direction.
There is now reaction as SUDDENLYBOB (All lines are V.O.)
(Rolling every R he can.)
Lets get READY to URINATE!!
LIGHTS go wild, colors and spot lights dazzle the room.
WHIZZ (All lines are V.O.)
I am so excited Bob, you can just
tell this is gonna be a good match.
BOB
These players have been drinking
for hours, Whizz. According to
friends, Jay Tharmarajah has been
holding it in since they went out
for coffee earlier.
WHIZZ
Quite an advantage Bob, but there
are so many factors that can affect
this Pee-Off. Dwayne Andelfinger is
avoiding a girlfriend describing a
shopping trip, a misinformed sense
of machismo, and a petty
competitive streak. He will not be
the first to finish peeing without
putting up a great performance.
2.
BOB
Right you are Whizz.
A REFEREE, TED, enters, whistle shining in the florescent
lights. He shakes hands with Dwayne and Jay. Then realizes
where there hands have been and rushes to the sink.
BOB (CONT'D)
Ted Inkkel, the best ref in this
business.
WHIZZ
Ever the professional.
A beat. Ted blows his whistle with a karate chop.
The SOUNDS of two urine streams start vitually in sync.
WHIZZ (CONT'D)
Early game, lets discuss the
prognosis of each player.
BOB
My money would be on Dwayne, Whizz.
He has that home team advantage and
hes been a serious contender since
college. His friends would would
mock him by implying his leaks took
so long they he should be using the
ladies room.
WHIZZ
The fires of adversity forge
champions Bob! You know the bros
waiting in line behind them love an
underdog!
Dwayne lets out a MOAN OF RELIEF. He leans forward and
sticks a hand on the wall.
WHIZZ (CONT'D)
Bob! Dwayne is getting comfy and
territorial! He is here! To! STAY!!
BOB
Lets see if Jay succumbs to this
distraction or if it fuels him to
battle on.
Jay gives a glance at Dwayne, and one of the Urine streams
cuts out for a moment.
WHIZZ
Sweet Jesuss bladder, Bob! Is this
the signal for an early match.
3.
Jay reaches into his jacket pocket, keeping his eyes down on
his aim. He pulls out a FLASK and starts drinking.
BOB
This is INSANE!! What a blatant
disregard for sportmanship! Is TED
going to allow it?!
Ted is inspecting Jays flask, posture, and pee stream. He
gives an all clear sign. No disqualification!
WHIZZ
There are NO RULES against it, and
Ted is following the letter of the
law if not the spirit. This may be
the killing blow against Dwayne.
One of the streams of urine suddenly start going stocatto.
Dwayne in rocking his hips forward in time with the piss
surges.
A SEXY BIMBO, in a yellow bikini and painful heels, enter
the bathroom holding a SIGN that reads KEGALING. She
saunters in front of the urinals and out the door.
WHIZZ (CONT'D)
I love the drain the main vein
vixens, and that one was signalling
our endgame!
BOB
Whizz, we are in endgame. Kegalling
signifies that the bladder is
almost empty, and that Dwayne is
nearing an empty bladder. We might
be crowning a new guy tonight.
WHIZZ
Wait. Wait! Whats going on?
The heavy stream is losing volume fast. Dwaynes kegalling
is still going strong.
BOB
This is nail biting!
A FLASH.
WHIZZ
Well definitely need a photo
finish!
SEXY BIMBO saunters back in, holding two POLAROIDS. She
studies them before handing them to Ted.
4.