1

00:00:02,703 --> 00:00:05,671

It seems today
that all you see
2
00:00:05,673 --> 00:00:08,874
Is violence in movies
and sex on TV
3
00:00:08,876 --> 00:00:12,544
But where are those
good old-fashioned values
4
00:00:12,546 --> 00:00:15,547
On which we used to rely?
5
00:00:15,549 --> 00:00:19,018
Lucky there's a family guy
6
00:00:19,020 --> 00:00:22,388
Lucky there's a man
who positively can do
7
00:00:22,390 --> 00:00:23,889
All the things that make us
8
00:00:23,891 --> 00:00:25,324
Laugh and cry
9
00:00:25,326 --> 00:00:29,461
He's... a...
Fam... ily... Guy!
10
00:00:35,836 --> 00:00:37,803
Okay, I call.
What do you got?
11
00:00:37,805 --> 00:00:40,339
Boom. Full house, jokers
over instruction cards.

Everything's so silly.
14
00:00:44,211 --> 00:00:46,311
You guys, you'll
never guess what.
15
00:00:46,313 --> 00:00:48,213
Randy Jackson was just
a big sea turtle
16
00:00:48,215 --> 00:00:49,982
in human clothes,
we heard.
17
00:00:49,984 --> 00:00:52,251
No, we all just booked
a vacation together
18
00:00:52,253 --> 00:00:54,653
to a private resort
in the Bahamas.
19
00:00:54,655 --> 00:00:56,188
Well, that's a lot
of my money,
20
00:00:56,190 --> 00:00:57,823
but I used to have
sex with you,
21
00:00:57,825 --> 00:00:59,224
so that's
the trade-off.
22
00:00:59,226 --> 00:01:01,360
Look, it's not as
expensive as it sounds.
23
00:01:01,362 --> 00:01:04,063
We found a great group rate
on a discount Web site.

12
00:00:40,341 --> 00:00:42,408
I do not enjoy
playing with you.

24
00:01:04,065 --> 00:01:05,864
Wow, the Bahamas.

13
00:00:42,410 --> 00:00:44,209

25
00:01:05,866 --> 00:01:09,101

I can't wait to get down there

and dip my fingers in the water.
26
00:01:09,103 --> 00:01:11,236
Yeah, it'll be awesome
to nail a hotel masseuse
27
00:01:11,238 --> 00:01:13,439
and then watch<i> Nanny</i>
<i>McPhee</i> in the room.
28
00:01:13,441 --> 00:01:14,673
So, when do we leave?
29
00:01:14,675 --> 00:01:16,575
Oh. Sorry, Glenn.
30
00:01:16,577 --> 00:01:18,544
The deal was
for couples only.
31
00:01:18,546 --> 00:01:20,512
I... I'm afraid
you can't come.
32
00:01:20,514 --> 00:01:22,714
All right, fine.
Since you'll all be gone,
33
00:01:22,716 --> 00:01:25,517
I'll just walk around my yard
naked, pee anywhere I want.
34
00:01:25,519 --> 00:01:26,785
I don't care.
35
00:01:32,426 --> 00:01:33,759
I think it's great
that Peter and Lois
36
00:01:33,761 --> 00:01:35,360
are getting away together.
37
00:01:35,362 --> 00:01:37,563
Yeah, I think Dad's actually
kind of excited about it.

38
00:01:37,565 --> 00:01:40,232
Yes, very. He even bought
some sort of language tapes,
39
00:01:40,234 --> 00:01:42,601
although I don't think
he's using them properly.
40
00:01:42,603 --> 00:01:44,736
MAN: I would like
to hear the specials.
41
00:01:44,738 --> 00:01:46,638
(speaks French)
42
00:01:46,640 --> 00:01:49,041
I would like to
hear the specials.
43
00:01:49,043 --> 00:01:52,311
Where is the Eiffel Tower?
(speaks French)
44
00:01:52,313 --> 00:01:54,279
I would rather
hear the specials.
45
00:01:54,281 --> 00:01:55,714
(doorbell rings)
46
00:01:56,951 --> 00:01:58,584
I'm sorry I'm late.
47
00:01:58,586 --> 00:02:01,053
I shoved an employee at Wendy's
and they called the cops.
48
00:02:01,055 --> 00:02:03,755
You got to warn somebody before
you hand him a square burger.
49
00:02:03,757 --> 00:02:06,492
Thanks again for watching the
kids while we're gone, Daddy.

50
00:02:06,494 --> 00:02:08,260
Yeah, but how come
Babs couldn't come?

62
00:02:42,196 --> 00:02:43,695
We're now
a couple.

51
00:02:08,262 --> 00:02:10,929
Oh, she wanted to be here, but
she got hired to be the stuffy

63
00:02:43,697 --> 00:02:45,364
Oh. Who's this?

52
00:02:10,931 --> 00:02:14,800
old woman who slowly comes
around to it in a rap video.
53
00:02:14,802 --> 00:02:18,504
I'm so glad the times
are not changing.
54
00:02:18,506 --> 00:02:21,640
You a bitch and a ho
and a ho and a bitch
55
00:02:21,642 --> 00:02:25,277
My garden party has been ruined.
56
00:02:25,279 --> 00:02:29,414
But I'm beginning
to tap my foot.
57
00:02:31,452 --> 00:02:34,353
All right, I know most of you
haven't traveled with me,
58
00:02:34,355 --> 00:02:36,455
but get ready to see
a lot of airport elevators
59
00:02:36,457 --> 00:02:38,190
you didn't know existed.
60
00:02:38,192 --> 00:02:40,425
Hey, guys. Say, Lois, I-I
know you said this trip
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00:02:40,427 --> 00:02:42,194
was couples only,
but great news.

64
00:02:45,366 --> 00:02:47,466
This is Kimmie.
I met her in a pop-up window
65
00:02:47,468 --> 00:02:49,368
on the Internet.
She was in my area.
66
00:02:49,370 --> 00:02:50,969
Hi. Peter Griffin,
all but separated.
67
00:02:50,971 --> 00:02:52,371
Oh, right on.
68
00:02:52,373 --> 00:02:54,640
All right, well,
I suppose I could look into
69
00:02:54,642 --> 00:02:56,375
adding you two
to the reservation.
70
00:02:56,377 --> 00:02:58,477
Yeah, you guys
should definitely come.
71
00:02:58,479 --> 00:02:59,978
Yeah, this
is gonna be awesome.
72
00:02:59,980 --> 00:03:01,280
Relax, Peter.
73
00:03:01,282 --> 00:03:02,814
Geez, I haven't
seen you this excited
74

00:03:02,816 --> 00:03:05,484

since you got that letter
sent by carrier owl.
75
00:03:05,486 --> 00:03:08,554
Oh, my God. Is this my
acceptance to Hogwarts?
76
00:03:08,556 --> 00:03:10,556
No, it's a letter
asking you
77
00:03:10,558 --> 00:03:12,457
to stop throwing rocks
at my nest.
78
00:03:12,459 --> 00:03:15,060
You hit one of my kids,
and now he can't fly right.
79
00:03:15,062 --> 00:03:17,963
Well, fine, then I'll just
throw rocks at the hornets.
80
00:03:19,733 --> 00:03:21,733
He told me to do it.
81
00:03:27,575 --> 00:03:29,808
<i>And thus began</i>
<i>the Thousand Year War</i>
82
00:03:29,810 --> 00:03:32,010
<i>between the avians</i>
<i>and the insects.</i>
83
00:03:32,012 --> 00:03:34,846
<i>It was a brutal war,</i>
<i>it was a bitter war.</i>
84
00:03:34,848 --> 00:03:38,417
<i>And most importantly, it
was</i>
<i>a visually spectacular
war.</i>
85
00:03:38,419 --> 00:03:41,053
Attack!

(all shouting)
86
00:03:41,055 --> 00:03:43,989
Charge!
(all shouting)
87
00:03:45,559 --> 00:03:48,427
<i>Sorry, I'm being told
this</i>
<i>would be very expensive</i>
88
00:03:48,429 --> 00:03:50,896
<i>to animate, so instead,</i>
<i>here's some stock footage</i>
89
00:03:50,898 --> 00:03:53,332
<i>of an old plane</i>
<i>trying to take off.</i>
90
00:03:56,503 --> 00:03:59,504
<i>They didn't have enough
wings.</i>
91
00:04:06,080 --> 00:04:09,147

92
00:04:16,257 --> 00:04:18,790
Oh, my God, this
place is gorgeous.
93
00:04:18,792 --> 00:04:22,060
Yeah, I can't wait to puke up
a club sandwich in the pool.
94
00:04:22,062 --> 00:04:24,763
Hello, couples.
My name is Noel,
95
00:04:24,765 --> 00:04:27,466
and welcome
to Pleasant Surroundings.
96
00:04:30,638 --> 00:04:33,972
Something about black people
wearing all-white clothes-97

00:04:33,974 --> 00:04:36,275

it's very peaceful.
98
00:04:36,277 --> 00:04:39,411
We have a special beach barbecue
planned for you tonight,
99
00:04:39,413 --> 00:04:42,581
but in the meantime, please
enjoy all our amenities.
100
00:04:42,583 --> 00:04:45,784
We will. Come on, girls, let's
go wear big floppy sun hats

00:05:13,847 --> 00:05:15,514

Hey, I just made
black coffee
110
00:05:15,516 --> 00:05:18,684
in an old tin pan.
Who wants some?
111
00:05:18,686 --> 00:05:20,519
No one? What's wrong
with you people?
112
00:05:20,521 --> 00:05:23,255
Dick Fosbury won
an Olympics on this.

101
00:04:45,786 --> 00:04:48,120
in the pool and then
be mad when they get wet.

113
00:05:23,257 --> 00:05:24,956
Well, say, this is pretty neat.

102
00:04:48,122 --> 00:04:49,988
Yeah, I'm gonna hit
the pool soon, myself.

114
00:05:24,958 --> 00:05:27,626
I brought you kids an old seed
packet I found in my garage.

103
00:04:49,990 --> 00:04:53,325
Got to let the lifeguard know
he better keep an eye on me.

115
00:05:27,628 --> 00:05:29,828
I know what you got
your fingers crossed for,

104
00:04:57,931 --> 00:05:00,699
I'm here a whole week, pal.

116
00:05:29,830 --> 00:05:31,930
and yes,
they're persimmons.

105
00:05:05,272 --> 00:05:08,440
Hey, Brian, check it
out-- HotOrNot.com.

117
00:05:33,467 --> 00:05:35,600
All right, that's it.

106
00:05:08,442 --> 00:05:10,809
BRIAN: Ten.
STEWIE: One.

118
00:05:35,602 --> 00:05:38,303
Damn it, I tried two things
that all kids love:

107
00:05:10,811 --> 00:05:12,277
Ten.
One.

119
00:05:38,305 --> 00:05:39,538
coffee and
old seed packets.

108
00:05:12,279 --> 00:05:13,845
Five.
Five.

120
00:05:39,540 --> 00:05:41,473
And all any of you
can do is stare

109

121

00:05:41,475 --> 00:05:43,775

at those Game Boy machines!
I'm sick of it!

133
00:06:05,399 --> 00:06:07,666
And I'm a lawyer.

122
00:05:43,777 --> 00:05:46,978
In fact, for the rest
of the week, no more screens.

134
00:06:07,668 --> 00:06:10,535
We find the defendant
guilty of murder.

123
00:05:46,980 --> 00:05:49,548
I'm locking those things up.
Wait, you what?

135
00:06:10,537 --> 00:06:12,604
Sorry.

124
00:05:49,550 --> 00:05:51,216
Oh, come on,
what the hell?
Aw...
125
00:05:51,218 --> 00:05:53,151
Aw, but what...?!
That's right,
126
00:05:53,153 --> 00:05:55,387
I'm gonna show you kids how to
have fun the old-fashioned way,
127
00:05:55,389 --> 00:05:57,055
like I did when
I was a kid.
128
00:05:57,057 --> 00:05:58,857
But I can't live
without my laptop.
129
00:05:58,859 --> 00:06:00,792
How else am I supposed
to get my degree
130
00:06:00,794 --> 00:06:02,527
from the University
of Phoenix?
131
00:06:02,529 --> 00:06:04,029
Credit card information.
132
00:06:04,031 --> 00:06:05,397
And submit.

136
00:06:17,578 --> 00:06:19,511
Oh, hey, you guys.
137
00:06:19,513 --> 00:06:21,313
Uh, Quagmire, I don't think
you can go to dinner
138
00:06:21,315 --> 00:06:22,514
in your swimsuit.
139
00:06:22,516 --> 00:06:23,749
And what the hell
happened to you?
140
00:06:23,751 --> 00:06:25,684
Oh, Kimmie and I
fell asleep on the beach.
141
00:06:25,686 --> 00:06:27,819
Yeah, I think
you better change.
142
00:06:27,821 --> 00:06:30,122
Okay, we'll be down
in a minute.
143
00:06:31,558 --> 00:06:32,824
Welcome, everyone.
144
00:06:32,826 --> 00:06:34,192
I hope you enjoyed
your afternoon,
145
00:06:34,194 --> 00:06:36,361
but now it's time

to get to work.

you tricked us

146
00:06:36,363 --> 00:06:38,397
On the rippin'
and the tearin'?

158
00:07:10,297 --> 00:07:12,397
into coming on a couples
counseling retreat.

147
00:06:38,399 --> 00:06:42,033
Even better. We're going
to work on your relationships.

159
00:07:12,399 --> 00:07:14,232
I do not like
being lied to.

148
00:06:42,035 --> 00:06:44,069
After all,
this isn't just a vacation,

160
00:07:14,234 --> 00:07:16,601
Me neither.
I mean, wives conspiring

149
00:06:44,071 --> 00:06:46,271
it's a couples
counseling retreat.

161
00:07:16,603 --> 00:07:18,437
against their husbands.
What's next, huh?

150
00:06:46,273 --> 00:06:47,773
Oh, what the hell?!

162
00:07:18,439 --> 00:07:21,072
Freakin' Cheney
back in the White House?

151
00:06:47,775 --> 00:06:49,341
Sorry, Peter.
152
00:06:49,343 --> 00:06:51,610
We had to trick you guys
or you wouldn't have come.
153
00:06:51,612 --> 00:06:53,245
No. You can't
make me.
154
00:06:53,247 --> 00:06:55,981
I'll get hit with a coconut
so I lose my memory of this.
155
00:06:56,884 --> 00:06:59,451
Aah! I remember
everything!
156
00:06:59,453 --> 00:07:02,254
I was abused
by my dad!
157
00:07:08,429 --> 00:07:10,295
Lois, I can't believe

163
00:07:21,074 --> 00:07:23,809
(exclaims)
Hmm, that didn't
link up.
164
00:07:23,811 --> 00:07:25,610
Trust me, you won't
regret this.
165
00:07:25,612 --> 00:07:29,481
I'll see you all in the morning
for our first session.
166
00:07:29,483 --> 00:07:31,116
Sheesh, couples counseling?
167
00:07:31,118 --> 00:07:34,119
This is the worst thing
that's ever happened to anyone.
168
00:07:34,121 --> 00:07:38,190
Wives, huh?
He gets it.
169

00:07:42,329 --> 00:07:43,895

Hey there,
buckaroos!
170
00:07:43,897 --> 00:07:45,597
Who's ready for
some old-timey fun?
171
00:07:45,599 --> 00:07:47,999
I thought we could go down
to the old swimmin' hole
172
00:07:48,001 --> 00:07:49,267
and swim in a hole.
173
00:07:49,269 --> 00:07:51,236
Ugh.
That sounds lame.
174
00:07:51,238 --> 00:07:52,270
Who-whose hole is it?
175
00:07:52,272 --> 00:07:53,805
I'm potentially in.
176
00:07:53,807 --> 00:07:56,174
Grandpa, can I just
have my video games back?
177
00:07:56,176 --> 00:07:57,976
I want to play
<i>Call of Duty.</i>
178
00:07:57,978 --> 00:08:00,912
Oh, I've got the original
<i>Call of Duty</i> right here.
179
00:08:00,914 --> 00:08:03,782
It's called jacks.
180
00:08:03,784 --> 00:08:05,183
Got one!
181
00:08:05,185 --> 00:08:07,619
Will I get two?
Come get in on this.

182
00:08:07,621 --> 00:08:10,255
Wait, this-this game
is cleaning up toys?
183
00:08:10,257 --> 00:08:12,190
Carter, read the room.
They're not into it.
184
00:08:12,192 --> 00:08:13,458
All right,
fair enough.
185
00:08:13,460 --> 00:08:14,693
I just don't want
you kids sitting
186
00:08:14,695 --> 00:08:16,595
around here glued
to your screens.
187
00:08:16,597 --> 00:08:19,931
So let's get the blood pumping
with my Jack LaLanne record.
188
00:08:22,002 --> 00:08:23,768
(jaunty, light intro plays)
189
00:08:23,770 --> 00:08:25,203
Bend to the left.
190
00:08:25,205 --> 00:08:27,005
Bend to the right.
191
00:08:27,007 --> 00:08:28,507
Get the big spring.
192
00:08:28,509 --> 00:08:30,442
Stretch the
big spring.
193
00:08:30,444 --> 00:08:32,310
Stop to smoke.
194
00:08:32,312 --> 00:08:33,845

Get a big towel.

195
00:08:33,847 --> 00:08:35,514
Put it behind
your neck.
196
00:08:35,516 --> 00:08:37,449
Tuck it in
your shirt.
197
00:08:37,451 --> 00:08:39,217
Looks like boobs.
198
00:08:39,219 --> 00:08:40,952
Put on a wig.
199
00:08:40,954 --> 00:08:42,854
Dance with a man.
200
00:08:42,856 --> 00:08:44,456
Don't tell your wife.
201
00:08:44,458 --> 00:08:46,658
Take it to your grave.
202
00:08:46,660 --> 00:08:47,959
(music stops)
203
00:08:47,961 --> 00:08:49,227
Okay, good workout.
204
00:08:49,229 --> 00:08:51,796
I got to go call
somebody and hang up.
205
00:08:56,069 --> 00:08:58,403
All right, our first
counseling exercise will be
206
00:08:58,405 --> 00:09:01,640
speaking to each other
with "I feel" statements.
207
00:09:01,642 --> 00:09:03,141
Lois, please begin.

208
00:09:03,143 --> 00:09:06,578
(sighs) I feel
unappreciated,
209
00:09:06,580 --> 00:09:08,847
like you don't want
to spend time with me.
210
00:09:08,849 --> 00:09:12,551
Okay. I feel a numbness
radiating down my left arm.
211
00:09:12,553 --> 00:09:16,021
I feel like you should help
out more around the house.
212
00:09:16,023 --> 00:09:18,323
I feel like salty<i> and</i>
sweet.
213
00:09:18,325 --> 00:09:20,659
You got white chocolate
French fries?
214
00:09:20,661 --> 00:09:22,594
I feel like my cervix hurts.
215
00:09:22,596 --> 00:09:24,996
I feel pride.
216
00:09:26,833 --> 00:09:28,400
Okay, for our next exercise,
217
00:09:28,402 --> 00:09:30,569
let's play
The Oldlywed Game.
218
00:09:30,571 --> 00:09:33,672
(chuckles) Relax,
it's just a questionnaire.
219
00:09:33,674 --> 00:09:35,106
(laughs)
220

00:09:35,108 --> 00:09:36,241

Really?

00:09:58,899 --> 00:10:00,498

What's the question?

221
00:09:36,243 --> 00:09:38,677
Whatever, I like
likin' things.

233
00:10:05,205 --> 00:10:07,906
Okay, last night I did some
personality assessments

222
00:09:38,679 --> 00:09:40,779
Peter, when
is Lois's birthday?

234
00:10:07,908 --> 00:10:10,108
based on yesterday's session,
and what I found

223
00:09:40,781 --> 00:09:42,847
Uh, let's see, when
is Hitler's birthday?

235
00:10:10,110 --> 00:10:11,610
was none of
you couples

224
00:09:42,849 --> 00:09:44,249
April 20.

236
00:10:11,612 --> 00:10:14,279
are compatible with
each other at all.

225
00:09:44,251 --> 00:09:46,918
Wow. Okay, Noel.
Yikes.
226
00:09:46,920 --> 00:09:49,054
Joe, what is Bonnie's
favorite food?
227
00:09:49,056 --> 00:09:50,422
Well, she must like
ground glass,
228
00:09:50,424 --> 00:09:52,624
because I keep
finding it in my food.
229
00:09:52,626 --> 00:09:54,359
Cleveland...
Pass.
230
00:09:54,361 --> 00:09:56,795
Quagmire, what color
are Kimmie's eyes?

237
00:10:17,417 --> 00:10:19,284
No, no, no, that's
not a good thing.
238
00:10:19,286 --> 00:10:21,653
But, interestingly,
you have high compatibility
239
00:10:21,655 --> 00:10:23,421
with other people
in this group.
240
00:10:23,423 --> 00:10:25,256
Oh, my God.
That is crazy.
241
00:10:25,258 --> 00:10:27,125
More mac and cheese.
Here, just keep it going.
242
00:10:27,127 --> 00:10:28,827
Keep it going... don't be
afraid of the burned edges.

231
00:09:56,797 --> 00:09:58,897
Shaved.
Sor-sorry, what-what is it?

243
00:10:28,829 --> 00:10:29,894
Just give me the tray.

232

244

00:10:29,896 --> 00:10:31,062

Wait, so what happened?

00:10:53,520 --> 00:10:56,254

Yay! I win
couples counseling!

245
00:10:31,064 --> 00:10:32,931
Anyway, I'd like
to do an exercise.

257
00:10:56,256 --> 00:10:58,990
(groans)

246
00:10:32,933 --> 00:10:34,966
Just for the morning,
you'll all be paired

258
00:11:01,662 --> 00:11:04,129
Look at those
hairless shins.

247
00:10:34,968 --> 00:10:36,501
with your
more compatible match.

259
00:11:04,131 --> 00:11:05,530
They're magnificent.

248
00:10:36,503 --> 00:10:38,336
And hopefully,
you'll bring some lessons back
249
00:10:38,338 --> 00:10:40,905
from that experience
into your marriages.
250
00:10:40,907 --> 00:10:42,807
Okay, so the new
couple pairings
251
00:10:42,809 --> 00:10:44,909
are as follows:
Cleveland and Lois...

260
00:11:05,532 --> 00:11:07,165
Decades of black
dress socks
261
00:11:07,167 --> 00:11:09,634
have rendered them
smooth and mirror-like.
262
00:11:09,636 --> 00:11:11,936
Grandpa, what are we
even doing out here?
263
00:11:11,938 --> 00:11:13,838
Looking for shapes
in the clouds.

252
00:10:44,911 --> 00:10:48,747
Oh, cool! My FICO score
just went up a hundred points.

264
00:11:13,840 --> 00:11:16,341
That one looks
like the Thompson
Throat Lozenge girl!

253
00:10:48,749 --> 00:10:50,582
...Quagmire
and Bonnie,

265
00:11:16,343 --> 00:11:18,510
See? She's got the boater on
and everything!

254
00:10:50,584 --> 00:10:52,150
Joe and Donna,

266
00:11:18,512 --> 00:11:20,545
I'm bored. Can't we
do something else?

255
00:10:52,152 --> 00:10:53,518
and Peter
and Kimmie.
256

267
00:11:20,547 --> 00:11:22,447
Well, back when
I was your age,

268
00:11:22,449 --> 00:11:24,616
there was nothing better
than knocking on doors
269
00:11:24,618 --> 00:11:27,018
and throwing paper bags
full of flour at people.
270
00:11:27,020 --> 00:11:29,320
That's a thing?
What, flour facin'?

281
00:11:59,186 --> 00:12:02,087
I'm not the kind of girl
282
00:12:02,089 --> 00:12:06,825
Who gives up just like that
283
00:12:06,827 --> 00:12:09,427
Oh, no.. .
284
00:12:09,429 --> 00:12:11,196
The tide is high

271
00:11:29,322 --> 00:11:31,956
It's the best thing!
We used it to keep Italians

285
00:12:11,198 --> 00:12:14,232
But I'm holding on

272
00:11:31,958 --> 00:11:34,392
from going to the polls.

286
00:12:14,234 --> 00:12:16,768
I'm gonna be your

273
00:11:37,864 --> 00:11:39,564
Stay home today, Guido!

287
00:12:16,770 --> 00:12:19,337
Number one

274
00:11:39,566 --> 00:11:41,299
(laughter)

288
00:12:19,339 --> 00:12:21,372
Number

275
00:11:41,301 --> 00:11:44,536
Yay! Old-fashioned things
are the best!

289
00:12:21,374 --> 00:12:24,209
One

276
00:11:44,538 --> 00:11:47,806
(intro to "The Tide Is High"
playing)
277
00:11:49,309 --> 00:11:51,676
Every girl wants you
278
00:11:51,678 --> 00:11:54,212
To be her man

290
00:12:24,211 --> 00:12:26,611
Number
291
00:12:26,613 --> 00:12:28,580
One
292
00:12:28,582 --> 00:12:31,015
(fading):
Num...

279
00:11:54,214 --> 00:11:56,314
But I'll wait, my dear

293
00:12:31,017 --> 00:12:33,384
So, this is the second vacation
that I've watched

280
00:11:56,316 --> 00:11:59,184
Till it's my turn

294
00:12:33,386 --> 00:12:34,953
every<i> Jurassic Park.</i>

295
00:12:34,955 --> 00:12:37,255
Peter, you're awesome.
You're so funny.
296
00:12:37,257 --> 00:12:39,290
Hey, Kimmie, I'll pay you
a thousand dollars
297
00:12:39,292 --> 00:12:41,392
for one whole handful
of your butt.

This retreat is over!

308
00:12:59,379 --> 00:13:02,347
Fire up the boat-we're going home!
309
00:13:04,584 --> 00:13:06,317
Mrs. Griffin, please,
310
00:13:06,319 --> 00:13:07,786
I urge you to finish
the program.

298
00:12:41,394 --> 00:12:43,394
For two handfuls,
I'll give you my car.

311
00:13:07,788 --> 00:13:08,987
No, thank you.

299
00:12:43,396 --> 00:12:44,863
All right,
that's enough!

312
00:13:08,989 --> 00:13:10,555
I never should've
come here.

300
00:12:44,865 --> 00:12:46,297
I have had it, Peter!

313
00:13:10,557 --> 00:13:12,223
Or at least
not with<i> him.</i>

301
00:12:46,299 --> 00:12:48,466
So, how are the new
pairings working out?

314
00:13:12,225 --> 00:13:13,792
Is there anything
I can do to change...

302
00:12:48,468 --> 00:12:50,468
Are you all gaining
lots of insights?

315
00:13:13,794 --> 00:13:15,794
(gunfire)

303
00:12:50,470 --> 00:12:51,870
No! I can see now

316
00:13:15,796 --> 00:13:17,162
(screaming)

304
00:12:51,872 --> 00:12:54,105
that coming here
was a huge mistake!

317
00:13:20,467 --> 00:13:21,833
Oh, my God!

305
00:12:54,107 --> 00:12:55,807
You're hopeless, Peter!
306
00:12:55,809 --> 00:12:57,475
Your feet look old.
307
00:12:57,477 --> 00:12:59,377

318
00:13:21,835 --> 00:13:23,668
We're taking this
island back.
319
00:13:23,670 --> 00:13:26,771
Yeah! Kill the whites!
Race war!
320

00:13:26,773 --> 00:13:28,039

(grunts
321
00:13:28,809 --> 00:13:31,142
Run! Everybody run!
322
00:13:41,188 --> 00:13:42,921
(gasps)
What the hell is happening?!
323
00:13:42,923 --> 00:13:44,856
Somebody do something!
324
00:13:46,827 --> 00:13:50,728
Look! We got to get
the attention of that plane!
325
00:14:00,040 --> 00:14:02,273
You got to help us!
326
00:14:07,948 --> 00:14:09,881
Man, those natives
are pissed!

333
00:14:29,569 --> 00:14:31,569
I saw a small
landing strip, giggity.
334
00:14:31,571 --> 00:14:34,539
It might be our best chance
to get off, giggity, the island.
335
00:14:34,541 --> 00:14:37,141
Did you really see that,
or was it just an excuse
336
00:14:37,143 --> 00:14:39,978
to say "giggity"?
I don't know, baby-I'm crazy with the heat.
337
00:14:39,980 --> 00:14:41,512
Take your pants off.
338
00:14:41,514 --> 00:14:43,348
Oh, my God,
this is legit ridic.

327
00:14:09,883 --> 00:14:11,883
This is like
a full-blown revolution!

339
00:14:43,350 --> 00:14:44,883
I got to post this.

328
00:14:11,885 --> 00:14:14,619
Do you think me throwing
full sodas into the garbage

340
00:14:44,885 --> 00:14:48,553
(laughs) Josh Radnor's
twitter feed is<i> so</i> funny!

329
00:14:14,621 --> 00:14:16,921
had anything
to do with this?

341
00:14:48,555 --> 00:14:50,255
That's impossible.

330
00:14:18,625 --> 00:14:20,892
Quick!
Into the jungle!
331
00:14:25,699 --> 00:14:27,565
What are we gonna do?
332
00:14:27,567 --> 00:14:29,567
Wait a minute-- yesterday,
near the north beach,

342
00:14:50,257 --> 00:14:52,156
Geez, coming here
was a bad idea.
343
00:14:52,158 --> 00:14:55,159
Like when I brought
museum behavior into my home.
344
00:14:55,161 --> 00:14:57,896
(footsteps echoing)

345
00:14:58,765 --> 00:15:00,932
(echoing footsteps approaching)

00:15:30,630 --> 00:15:32,563

Oh, boy,
I haven't had this much fun

346
00:15:02,369 --> 00:15:05,503
Excuse me, we do ask that
you don't touch anything.

358
00:15:32,565 --> 00:15:34,866
since I played
with that Bubl wrap.

347
00:15:08,708 --> 00:15:11,876
(imitating airplane engine)

359
00:15:34,868 --> 00:15:37,068
MICHAEL BUBL-STYLE SINGER (with
each pop): I... just...

348
00:15:11,878 --> 00:15:14,279
I got to say, Carter,
you've done a good job.
349
00:15:14,281 --> 00:15:16,080
We'd become slaves
to our electronics.
350
00:15:16,082 --> 00:15:18,116
But you know what
we're doing here?
351
00:15:18,118 --> 00:15:19,684
We're reclaiming
our lives.
352
00:15:19,686 --> 00:15:21,853
You're kind of an egghead,
aren't you, Brian?

360
00:15:37,070 --> 00:15:39,237
Haven't met you yet
361
00:15:39,239 --> 00:15:40,405
Oh, cool!
362
00:15:40,407 --> 00:15:42,273
Your mom thinks of me
363
00:15:42,275 --> 00:15:44,208
When she's doing your dad
364
00:15:44,210 --> 00:15:45,610
What?
365
00:15:45,612 --> 00:15:48,046
Seriously,
I drive older woman nuts

353
00:15:21,855 --> 00:15:25,089
Vroom! Everyone on this plane
is wearing a suit.

366
00:15:48,048 --> 00:15:49,814
I can make your

354
00:15:25,091 --> 00:15:26,557
Say, that reminds me.

367
00:15:49,816 --> 00:15:51,783
Mom and aunt kiss...

355
00:15:26,559 --> 00:15:28,693
Everyone,
time to dress for dinner.

368
00:15:51,785 --> 00:15:55,019
This is a very skeevy
packing product.

356
00:15:28,695 --> 00:15:30,628
Ooh! I want to light
the candles, Pop-Pop!

369
00:15:58,124 --> 00:15:59,991
Oh, my God, this is bad.

357

370
00:15:59,993 --> 00:16:02,293

I know. If we die,
what's gonna happen

doing duck lips

by a pool?

371
00:16:02,295 --> 00:16:04,128
to my mail?
What?

383
00:16:35,862 --> 00:16:37,929
I don't know,
some island.

372
00:16:04,130 --> 00:16:06,931
I'm just sayin',
how's the post office
supposed to know?

384
00:16:37,931 --> 00:16:38,963
Shh!

373
00:16:06,933 --> 00:16:09,500
And my DVR!
It'll be full in a week!
374
00:16:09,502 --> 00:16:11,302
I record<i> Ellen</i> every day!
375
00:16:11,304 --> 00:16:13,504
I know I shouldn't,
but whenever she dances,
376
00:16:13,506 --> 00:16:16,975
I'm like, "Go ahead,
girl, it's your world!"
377
00:16:16,977 --> 00:16:19,110
I heard she gay.
378
00:16:19,112 --> 00:16:22,347
Well, it seems like
we're pretty talked out.
379
00:16:23,917 --> 00:16:27,986
Thanks for changing your mind
about drowning me in that river.
380
00:16:30,457 --> 00:16:31,689
(phone rings)
381
00:16:31,691 --> 00:16:33,925
Hey. Did you see
those pictures of me
382
00:16:33,927 --> 00:16:35,860

385
00:16:38,965 --> 00:16:40,965
(rifles cocking)
386
00:16:40,967 --> 00:16:43,201
You rebel scum!
387
00:16:43,203 --> 00:16:44,635
(chuckles)
388
00:16:44,637 --> 00:16:47,372
Ah, you're too young.
You don't know.
389
00:16:52,879 --> 00:16:54,879
So, how did you guys
get captured?
390
00:16:54,881 --> 00:16:56,981
Quagmire screams
when he urinates.
391
00:16:56,983 --> 00:16:58,649
How about you?
392
00:16:58,651 --> 00:17:01,052
Cleveland kept stopping
to scratch his back on trees.
393
00:17:01,054 --> 00:17:02,854
Lois don't
do it right.
394
00:17:02,856 --> 00:17:04,155
Come here, baby.
395

00:17:04,157 --> 00:17:06,190

You need them Lee Press-Ons.
396
00:17:06,192 --> 00:17:08,126
Mmm. There it is.
397
00:17:08,128 --> 00:17:09,794
Mmm.
398
00:17:12,065 --> 00:17:13,164
Oh, Peter!
399
00:17:13,166 --> 00:17:14,999
I was so worried
about you.
400
00:17:15,001 --> 00:17:18,069
Lois, when we got captured,
I said, "You rebel scum,"
401
00:17:18,071 --> 00:17:20,071
and Kimmie didn't get it.
(laughs)
402
00:17:20,073 --> 00:17:21,172
That's funny!
403
00:17:21,174 --> 00:17:22,807
From<i> The Star Wars!</i>
404
00:17:22,809 --> 00:17:26,210
Well, just<i> Star Wars.</i>
But I missed you, sweetheart!
405
00:17:26,212 --> 00:17:28,346
Why are you doing this?
Let us go!
406
00:17:28,348 --> 00:17:31,349
Every year we have to deal
with you American tourists!
407
00:17:31,351 --> 00:17:34,585
Stuffing your slob faces,
taking video you'll never watch,

408
00:17:34,587 --> 00:17:37,889
and asking if I'm
the<i> Captain Phillips</i> guy.
409
00:17:37,891 --> 00:17:39,190
I'm not!
410
00:17:39,192 --> 00:17:41,225
Take the couples out,
two by two,
411
00:17:41,227 --> 00:17:42,994
and execute them.
412
00:17:46,499 --> 00:17:47,999
Oh, my God!
413
00:17:48,001 --> 00:17:51,469
Well, at least I ain't going out
with a itchy back.
414
00:17:53,273 --> 00:17:55,706
(two gunshots)
415
00:17:55,708 --> 00:17:57,241
Oh, no!
This is terrible!
416
00:17:57,243 --> 00:18:00,678
Now, now, maybe
they just shot Donna twice.
417
00:18:01,614 --> 00:18:03,014
Bonnie, quick,
lock my wheels!
418
00:18:03,016 --> 00:18:05,683
We don't have
to make it easy for 'em!
419
00:18:09,122 --> 00:18:13,291
JOE: Scuffin' up those floors
pretty good!
420
00:18:13,293 --> 00:18:15,626

(two gunshots)
421
00:18:15,628 --> 00:18:18,029
Boy, they're really
going at Donna.
422
00:18:19,632 --> 00:18:22,066
Any last words?
423
00:18:22,068 --> 00:18:23,768
Moist.
424
00:18:25,371 --> 00:18:27,238
(two gunshots)
425
00:18:27,240 --> 00:18:31,542
Oh, Peter, I'm so sorry
I lied to get you to come here.
426
00:18:31,544 --> 00:18:33,578
I should've been
honest with you.
427
00:18:33,580 --> 00:18:35,713
Please forgive me?
I do, Lois.
428
00:18:35,715 --> 00:18:37,715
I know you were just
trying to do something
429
00:18:37,717 --> 00:18:39,250
good for our marriage.
430
00:18:39,252 --> 00:18:42,620
And I'm sorry I've been
such a jerk about it.
431
00:18:42,622 --> 00:18:43,955
I need you, Lois.
432
00:18:43,957 --> 00:18:45,423
I always will.
433
00:18:45,425 --> 00:18:47,725

And if I got to get shot

by ooga-booga people,
434
00:18:47,727 --> 00:18:49,660
I want it to happen
with you.
435
00:18:49,662 --> 00:18:51,395
Oh, Peter.
436
00:18:55,301 --> 00:18:57,135
(both grunt)
437
00:18:57,137 --> 00:18:59,504
I love you so much, Lois.
438
00:18:59,506 --> 00:19:01,172
I love you,
too, Peter.
439
00:19:01,174 --> 00:19:03,107
Lois, I think
you should know,
440
00:19:03,109 --> 00:19:05,910
I never cared for your
most recent haircut.
441
00:19:05,912 --> 00:19:08,746
Peter, I've had the same
haircut for 20 years.
442
00:19:08,748 --> 00:19:10,081
We're ready now.
443
00:19:10,083 --> 00:19:11,883
(two gunshots)
444
00:19:17,290 --> 00:19:19,457
Congratulations,
Griffins-- you did it!
445
00:19:19,459 --> 00:19:21,659
You've successfully
completed the program.

446
00:19:21,661 --> 00:19:23,027
What?!
What?!
447
00:19:23,029 --> 00:19:25,363
(whooping, cheering)
448
00:19:25,365 --> 00:19:28,199
We just found out, too!
The whole thing was staged.
449
00:19:28,201 --> 00:19:30,535
Noel dying,
the uprising, all of it.
450
00:19:30,537 --> 00:19:33,304
Oh-ho,<i> that's</i> what they
meant on their Web site:
451
00:19:33,306 --> 00:19:36,140
"Staged Revolution
Marital Counseling."
452
00:19:36,142 --> 00:19:38,142
It all makes sense.
453
00:19:38,144 --> 00:19:40,611
(happy shouts)

their love for each other.

459
00:19:52,125 --> 00:19:54,158
I feel like I
should be mad, but...
460
00:19:54,160 --> 00:19:55,359
I guess you're right.
461
00:19:55,361 --> 00:19:57,361
Lois and I have
never felt closer.
462
00:19:57,363 --> 00:19:59,864
And I did get
to kill a guy.
What?!
463
00:19:59,866 --> 00:20:01,465
Thanks for
everything, Noel.
464
00:20:01,467 --> 00:20:02,934
(slurps)
465
00:20:06,506 --> 00:20:08,306
Well, kids,
it's Dyngus Day.

454
00:19:40,613 --> 00:19:42,346
Yes, sorry to deceive you all,

466
00:20:08,308 --> 00:20:10,074
Here are your
pussy willow branches.

455
00:19:42,348 --> 00:19:44,515
but we find that when couples
don't respond

467
00:20:10,076 --> 00:20:12,243
Find your sweetie
and give her a tap.

456
00:19:44,517 --> 00:19:47,218
to traditional counseling,
the stress of extreme danger

468
00:20:12,245 --> 00:20:15,313
Looks like I found
<i>my</i> sweetie.

457
00:19:47,220 --> 00:19:50,054
reminds them of what
matters most in their lives--

469
00:20:15,315 --> 00:20:16,581
Oh, sarsaparilla!

458
00:19:50,056 --> 00:19:52,123

470
00:20:16,583 --> 00:20:18,549

<i>I</i> was going to take

sister!
471
00:20:18,551 --> 00:20:20,651
Hey, you little rats.

483
00:20:41,941 --> 00:20:44,108
TV ANNOUNCER:
We now return
to<i> Police Chases...</i>

472
00:20:20,653 --> 00:20:22,553
All right, Lois, let's
just leave our bags here

484
00:20:44,110 --> 00:20:47,345
No, thank you-- we are
a screen-free family.

473
00:20:22,555 --> 00:20:24,989
and wonder where our clothes
are for the next two days.

485
00:20:47,347 --> 00:20:49,213
<i>...That End in Fire.</i>

474
00:20:24,991 --> 00:20:26,357
How was your trip, Father?
475
00:20:26,359 --> 00:20:28,092
We've prepared
a song for you.
476
00:20:28,094 --> 00:20:29,327
Nope.
477
00:20:29,329 --> 00:20:31,395
Oh, boy, it's nice
to be home.
478
00:20:31,397 --> 00:20:34,365
Sure is, Lois.
Now, shush. TV.
479
00:20:34,367 --> 00:20:36,167
Television?
How pathetic.
480
00:20:36,169 --> 00:20:37,835
Yeah. You
know where
481
00:20:37,837 --> 00:20:40,204
the most interesting
stuff is, Dad?
482
00:20:40,206 --> 00:20:41,939
The human hat.

486
00:20:49,215 --> 00:20:51,582
(bleep)
That's awesome!
487
00:20:53,453 --> 00:20:55,186
(groans)
488
00:20:55,188 --> 00:20:58,356
Nobody look at him,
and maybe he'll just leave.
489
00:20:58,358 --> 00:21:00,258
Good job, people.
490
00:21:00,260 --> 00:21:02,493
Captioned by
<font color="#00ffff">Media
Access Group at WGBH</font>