John Welwood
John Welwood
AND UNCONDITIONAL
John Welwood
San Francisco, California
glimpses
of
unconditional
love
33
self and the unconditional openness of the heart. Yet this very
tension between conditional and unconditional love, if clearly
seen and worked with, can actually help us learn to love more
fully. The friction between these two sides of our nature can
ignite a refining firethat awakens the heart to the real challenge,
the outrageous risk, and the tremendous gift of human love.
UNCONDITIONAL
LOVE
reasons
which
reason
cannot
know
CONDITIONAL LOVE
Yet, insofar as we are not just pure heart, but also have
conditioned likes and dislikes, certain conditions always
determine the extent of our involvement with another person.
This is -inevitable. As soon as we consider the form of
relationship we want with someone, we are in the realm of
conditions. Because we are of this earth, weexist within certain
forms and structures (body, temperament, personality characteristics, emotional needs, likes and dislikes, sexual preferences, styles of communication, life-styles, beliefs and values)
that fit more or less well with someone else's structures.
Conditional love is a feeling of pleasure and attraction based on
how fully someone matches our needs, desires, and personal
34
No.1
CONFUSING
when
the two
orders
do not
mesh
35
the
revitalizing
presence
of
unconditional
love
36
the
process
of
discovering
basic
goodness
37
These parts of us that give us the most trouble are like children
in need of our attention. whom we have cut off from our
unconditional love. Having internalized certain conditions our
parents placed on their love, we say to ourselves, in effect, "I
can only love me if. I don't have this fear, this need, this temper,
or if I measure up to these standards." These internalized
conditions become an elaborate system of dams, checks and
blockages, armoring and tensions in the body that constrict the
free flow of warmth and openness toward all aspects of our
experience. However, any part of us that is cut offfrom our love
eventually becomes sick, for it is the circulation of the heart's
energy that keeps us healthy.
circulation
as an
essential
principle
38
"breaking
open"
the
heart
39
unconditional
love
as an
ongoing
practice
REFERENCES
1983).
Requests for reprints to John Welwood, 3494 21st Street, San Francisco, CA
94110.
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