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August 3, 2010

The 5 Essential People

Skills

How to Assert Yourself, Listen to Others,

and Resolve Conflicts
Dale Carnegie Training
From The 5 Essential People Skills by Dale Carnegie.
Original edition copyright 2004 by Nightingale-Conant.
Text edition copyright 2009 by Dale Carnegie & Associates, Inc.
Reprinted by permission of Fireside, a Division of Simon &
Schuster, Inc. 2009 by Dale Carnegie and Associates, Inc.
Adapted by permission of Fireside
ISBN: 978-1-4165-9548-9

Introduction
Many people feel awkward in certain situations a
handicap that can prevent them from moving ahead
personally and professionally. Drawing on almost
100 years of experience by Dale Carnegie Training,
The 5 Essential People Skills presents a step-bystep guide to mastering rapport building, curiosity,
communication, ambition, and conflict resolution.
Through narrative text and action step activities
at the end of each chapter, this book seeks to help
readers feel empowered, respected, and at ease in
any situation.
The 5 Essential People Skills first examines assertiveness, the skill at the core of the five essential
people skills. Assertive people are able to make their
ideas known without inhibiting others from sharing
their ideas. The remainder of the book instructs readers how to apply assertiveness to the five essential

people skills. Each chapter provides specific, practical advice for applying each set of skills; a series
of real-life examples on how to effectively deploy
assertiveness in the workplace; and a set of action
steps that deepen readers understanding of and
ability to apply the chapters ideas.

Assertiveness
Assertiveness the ability to speak and act in ways
that naturally cause people to respond attentively and
positively is at the core of the five essential people
skills. It consists of being able to:
Resist the pressure and dominance of aggressive
people.
Stand up for ones beliefs.
Maintain control in important situations.

Business Book Summaries August 3, 2010 Copyright 2010 EBSCO Publishing Inc. All Rights Reserved

The 5 Essential People Skills

The effective use of assertiveness in the workplace is

illustrated by the story of an employee who worked
on a large team that achieved its goal. Although
everyone on the team contributed, the teams supervisor singled out just one member of the team for
special praise, leaving the rest of the team feeling
betrayed and unappreciated.
In this situation, aggressive people might feel and
express hostility toward both the supervisor and the
person singled out for recognition. Passive people
would take no action and perhaps even deny that
anything unfair had taken place. In contrast, assertive people might make an appointment with the
supervisor to air their reaction. Saying I did just as
much work as George, and now hes getting all the
credit sounds whiny and unprofessional. Instead,
an assertive person might say, I understand that
youre please with Georges work on the project, and
Im really glad to hear that, because he made some
important contributions. There is one thing that
concerns me. This was a group effort, and all of us
devoted a significant amount of time to the project,
including me. When the time comes for my performance review, I want to be sure that I receive the
same recognition that George does. While it would
be gratifying, of course, if each us could also receive
a personal thank you, my main concern is how this
will affect my career opportunities in the organization. This kind of response avoids the essentially
childish responses of both the aggressive person and
the passive person.
Individuals can take four steps to master assertiveness
in virtually any setting:
1. Prepare with self-reflection. The first step toward
becoming an assertive person is recognizing and
analyzing the way you behave. People who are very
outspoken should examine whether their outspokenness may have crossed the line into aggressive
behavior. Those who feel taken advantage of may
have difficulty saying no. Keeping a diary can help
people identify the way they feel and analyze the
actions they take. Self-awareness and self-assessment are critical to effective assertiveness.

Dale Carnegie Training

Key Concepts
The 5 Essential People Skills presents a
step-by-step guide to applying appropriate
assertiveness and mastering the five essential
skills of building rapport, demonstrating curiosity, communicating, harnessing ambition, and
resolving conflict. This Dale Carnegie Training
publication shows readers how to:
Focus on the factors that will move them
and their organizations forward.
Improve their confidence while learning
how to convey their messages with greater
esteem, power, and clarity.
Use a five-part template for articulate communications that grow business.
Create a cutting-edge business environment
that delivers innovation and results.
Live up to their fullest potential while
achieving success.
Resolve conflict or misunderstanding by
applying a handful of proven principles.
The combination of general principles, specific
tips, examples, and action steps at the end
of each chapter provides readers with the tools
they need to apply the lessons learned.
g g g g

Information about the author and subject:

www.dalecarnegie.com
Information about this book and other business titles:
www.simonandschuster.com
Related summaries in the BBS Library:
The Art and Science of Communication
Tools for Effective Communication in the Workforce
By P.S. Perkins
Words That Work
Its Not What You Say, Its What People Hear
By Dr. Frank Luntz

2. Conduct an honest self-assessment. People should

begin by listing their positive and negative traits
as well as their desired traits, and then sending
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The 5 Essential People Skills

the list to a friend. Doing so often provides unexpected feedback, as other people often see traits
that the individual does not see.
3. Assess the outer world, particularly the specific
situations that bear on career success. Choose a
specific circumstance and create an accurate view
of it. Make a detailed plan that describes how to
act assertively in the situation. Try to focus on
positive feelings rather than on resentment of
someone else. In addressing the situation, begin
with phrases such as What we might do is
We could do and I agree with some of what
youre saying, and heres what I would like to see
changed.

Dale Carnegie Training

Rapport Building
Building rapport involves connecting with someone
else. Doing so depends on establishing a relationship of mutual liking and trust. Establishing rapport
increases the chances of mutually beneficial interactions. It also makes doing business more fun.
Individuals can develop self-confidence and engage
in more assertive behavior by doing the following:
Smiling and being positive. Smiling not only elicits a
positive reaction from others, it also increases the
production of neurotransmitters in the brain. This
means that smiling and acting happy can actually
make a person feel happier. Greeting colleagues
with praise can go a long way toward improving
the work environment.

4. Take the road test. Pick a manageable set of circumstances that demand assertiveness
on which to test the skills learned. Real leadership is inclusive and proactive. It does not domOver a period of a week or two, inate nonassertive people. It includes them and it involves
make a list of settings in which
them. Dominance as a management style is ineffective in
greater assertiveness would be
beneficial. Analyze the situations; almost all circumstances.
determine how best to communi Speaking up. For a variety of reasons, many people
cate ideas, wants, and needs; and take action.
speak too softly. Assertive people know to vary
A three-part assertiveness message requires individutheir voice quality to build rapport in different
als to summarize the facts of a situation, express their
types of situations. They know how to modulate
thoughts and feelings, and clearly state their wants
volume, pace, and inflection.
and needs, including benefits to the other party. This
Being specific when asserting ideas. When building
message serves as the foundation for tactics such as
rapport, assertive people might say, I was really
interviewing assertively, starting meetings on a posiimpressed with the way you handled that custive note, taking an indirect approach to discussions
tomer, by listening to her argument instead of
of errors or disagreements, asking questions rather
interrupting. This provides better feedback than
than giving direct orders, ending on a positive note,
a more general comment like Youre quite good
observing reactions, and dealing with denial.
with difficult people. Before giving any kind of
constructive criticism or feedback, assertive people
should make sure their motives are pure. Comments should never be used to manipulate others.

About the Author

Dale Carnegie wrote the best-selling book How

to Win Friends and Influence People in 1936. Dale
Carnegie Training, the company he founded in
1912, continues to offer training and publish
books on improving employee performance.
For more information on the company, visit
www.dalecarnegie.com.

Speaking effectively about ones own accomplishments. When speaking about achievements, it is
important not to embellish or dramatize the facts.
Emphasizing the role of teammates will win trust,
credibility, and respect.
Cultivating assertive silence. In a business setting,
silence does not necessarily reflect anger or clamming up. Assertive silence is choosing to be quiet,

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The 5 Essential People Skills

listening with full attention, and making the

decision not to speak before having something
important to say.
Preventing leaks. Psychologists refer to behaviors
that reveal something a person was trying to conceal as leaks. When then-President George H.
W. Bush glanced at his watch during his debate
with Bill Clinton, he inadvertently gave the
impression that he was bored. Rather than leaking impatience, a manager would be better served
by stating openly, I hate to cut our meeting short,
but I have another meeting in just a few minutes.

Dale Carnegie Training

6. Use humor. Assertively curious people are often

very honest about how much they do not know.
They often have a self-deprecating sense of
humor, which creates a relaxed atmosphere that
makes everyone want to listen and learn.
7. Recognize what others need to learn. Good leaders
know how to encourage rather than require their
employees to increase their knowledge on a particular topic. Rather than tell an employee to read
an article, an assertively curious person might say,
If you ever have a moment, I think you might
find this article useful. I know I did.

Curiosity can be of tremendous benefit to any manager who

knows how to ignite the inborn curiosity of his or her team.
Curiosity
A 10-point list helps maximize the role of curiosity in
a persons people-skills repertoire:
1. Make assertive curiosity an emotional experience.
People who make assertive curiosity an emotional
experience demonstrate passion. They feel real
excitement about what they are doing, and they
convey that excitement to others.
2. See yourself as a student and purveyor of knowledge.
Assertively curious people want to understand
things deeply, and they recognize that they lack
all the facts. They are simultaneously very knowledgeable about their field and full of questions.

8.
Reinforce curiosity with institutional support. No single manager
can sustain assertive curiosity in a
vacuum. A corporate culture that values curiosity is critical.

9. Mentor by senior management. Senior managers can

make curiosity a factor in employee evaluation
and promotion. They can give employees time to
explore new ideas. For decades, Lockheed Martin
had an unofficial division known as the Skunk
Works, whose purpose was to explore new ideas
and innovative approaches to problem solving.
Working in an unstructured, no-pressure environment, the engineers in this division produced
some of the most innovative concepts in the history of aviation, including the technology for the
stealth aircraft.

3. Engage in interactive listening. This involves listening, questioning, responding, and remembering
that all human beings are different. It also involves
avoiding criticizing, condemning, or complaining,
and instead developing feelings of appreciation,
gratitude, and genuine interest in other people.

10. Create a fun environment. At Google, employees are

encouraged to explore ideas and have fun doing
so. The seemingly relaxed atmosphere has created
an extraordinarily successful and loyal workface

4. Be interactive without an agenda. Asking team members where they live, what they enjoy doing with
their families, what they like or dislike about the
company, what sports they enjoy, and what they do
in their spare time is a way of exercising curiosity.

1. Maintaining frequent and continuous contact

with team members. Good managers are in touch
with all team members every day, if possible.
Remaining in daily contact reveals their commitment and encourages employees to produce.
Having all team members get together informally
once a week 20 to 30 minutes before work, for
example to catch up with one another personally and professionally can enhance the assertive
curiosity of the team as a whole.

5. Share personal stories with flair. Managers who

express a desire to learn are much more inspiring
than those who claim to know it all. Only by presenting personal stories in an interesting manner
can a manager ignite other peoples curiosity.

Assertive curiosity has four main elements:

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The 5 Essential People Skills

2. Managing time effectively. Every discussion of

workplace issues should address the amount of
time needed to complete a task. The single most
effective time management tool is the maintenance of daily logs in which all team members
document how they spend their time.
3. Seeking help from management. Managers creating assertively curious teams need support
from management. They need resources to give
team members time to reflect.

Dale Carnegie Training

3. Hold people to high standards. Avoid becoming a

control freak. Instead, trust in other peoples ability to do the best job possible.
4. Show sincere interest in colleagues. Ask them about
themselves and express sincere curiosity about
them.
5. Offer specific rather than general praise, and be spare
with criticism. When criticism is necessary, give it
in a diplomatic way.

6. Avoid making promises that cannot be fulfilled.

4. Setting goals. All employees need to identify goals
7. Show gratitude. Thank anyone who performs a
in at least six areas: work, family, finances, health,
favor, and offer to do something in return.
education, and spirituality. These goals should be
specific, not general, and they
should be aligned with each indi- In any business setting, the person who seems most mature
viduals values. For example, I always comes out best. If you pout and whine or throw a
want to be given more respon- tantrum, youll be on the losing end of the encounter.
sibility within the company is
a general goal. I want to become the director of
8. Be considerate. Try to understand other peoples
human resources within the next five years, so that
points of view. Think before speaking in order to
I can increase the diversity of our workforce is a
avoid misunderstandings.
more meaningful, more specific version of the same
9. Help others. Occasionally stepping out of ones job
goal. Identifying such goals makes it easier to create
description and asking, Need a hand there? crea vision of how to achieve them.
ates a pleasant work environment and encourages
Communication
other people to give of themselves.
Knowing how to deal with people is critical for people
10. Be humble. Avoid obvious efforts to impress colin positions of leadership. In fact, it is no less important
leagues and superiors. Play down successes in
than technical or administrative knowledge. Mastering
order to develop a reputation for humility.
communication skills is difficult because, as Dale Carnegie wrote decades ago, when dealing with people,
11. Help others save face. A friendly It happens to the
you are not dealing with creatures of logic but with
best of us can go a long way toward making
creatures of emotion, creatures bristling with projecother people feel better after a blunder.
tive and motivated by pride and vanity.
Etiquette skills cover conversational, money, phone,
Eleven simple tips can improve communication in the
and restaurant situations, including specific etiquette
workplace:
rules, such as tipping the coat check person and valet
when one first meets them, tipping the bartender, and
1. Call people by name. Using a persons name personavoiding haggling over the check. Tips are provided on
alizes the message. Just consider the difference
being courteous and thoughtful; choosing safe topics
between a perfunctory Good morning and a
and making sure the other party participates fully in
sincere-sounding Good morning, Steve!
the conversation; and avoiding taboos, gossip, profan2. Admit making a mistake. So few people in the workity, and unnecessary cell phone conversations.
place recognize their errors that doing so gains
A 10-step list helps business people become persuasive:
respect. Simply saying, I made a mistake and I
realize it is appropriate. An overdone I blew it
1. Build trust.
message sent to everyone in the office is not.
2. Find common ground.
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The 5 Essential People Skills

Dale Carnegie Training

3. Structure the information that forms the basis of

the argument.

Put the lessons learned to use. Have attendees

share what they learned with the rest of the team.

4. Show both sides.

Conflict Resolution

5. Appeal to self-interest.

Angry conflict is inherently negative and unproductive in a business setting. The goal of conflict
resolution should therefore be to assertively end the
conflict as quickly and fairly as possible. Specific tips
for dealing with conflict include the following:

6. Appeal to authority.
7. Create consensus.
8. Time requests so that they come at good times for
the person or people you are trying to persuade.

Make an honest assessment of the source of conflict.

9. Be original, interesting, reasonable, diplomatic,

and humble.

Do not point fingers or call names.

10. Use persuasion sparingly.

Keep the focus on the present and the future; do

not make references to the past.

Assertive listening can be achieved by learning to

listen empathetically that is, listening in a way that
allows true understanding of both the interlocutors messages and their circumstances and feelings.
People who engage in empathetic listening listen so
intently and identify so closely with the speaker that
they gain a sense of the speakers situation, thoughts,
and emotions. Assertive listening allows managers to
understand their team members by cutting through
the superficiality of conversation and understanding
what is really on their minds.

Exercise restraint during arguments.

Avoid using words or phrases that tend to perpetuate problems, such as You always do that.
Make sure that body language, words, and voice
tone match.
Maintain eye contact without staring or glaring.
Make an effort to sound positive and enthusiastic.
Smile and look confident no matter how tense the
discussion becomes.

Both the good thing and the bad thing about business relationships is that theyre basically unsentimental. Business
friendships are mainly significant when everything is
going well. When problems arise in the workplace, its
amazing how fast good buddies can become strangers.
Ambition
Leaders can maximize the positive energy of ambition of everyone on their teams. To do so, they should
arrive early, maintain a high level of energy, greet
their teams with enthusiasm and humor, and have
clear action plans. To create assertive ambition within
their teams, they should:
Create a culture of learning, so that team members are constantly exposed to the latest industry
trends, research, techniques, and tools.
Attend and send team members to seminars and
training programs.

Be gracious. Do not flaunt a
favorable resolution. Allow the other
side an honorable retreat.

Whatever the outcome of the
conflict, write a sincere note to the other
side in a positive and conciliatory tone.

Skilled negotiators recognize that

satisfying both parties is important. Ideally, both parties should come out of negotiations feeling that the
conflict was successfully resolved. Good negotiation
creates this sense of a win-win situation.
Three strategic principles can help managers master
this skill:
1. Make a commitment to a win-win approach. Assume
responsibility for a positive outcome by adopting a
positive mindset and a sense of self-empowerment.
Prepare for the negotiations by identifying whether
the person sitting across the table has an autocratic
or an accommodating personality. Keep the focus
on the real issues rather than who wins or loses.

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The 5 Essential People Skills

Dale Carnegie Training

2. Clarify what is sought and why. Distinguish between

real and superficial wants and needs.

Contents

3. Have a clear Plan B (the walk-away position). Be

prepared to abandon negotiations if a suitable
compromise cannot be found. In most business
situations, the parties to a conflict are likely to
have future dealings with one another. For this
reason, always leave the negotiating table with a
positive outlook, regardless of the outcome; doing
so will increase the chances of a better outcome
during future negotiations. Resist the temptation
to make personal attacks. Keep the focus on longterm goals. Make it clear that the conflict is not
about personalities but about issues, so that the
other party will not be angry or defensive.

Chapter 1

An Introduction to Assertiveness

Chapter 2

The Three-Part Assertion Message

Chapter 3

Assertive Rapport Building

Chapter 4

Tactics for Assertive Rapport Building

Chapter 5

Assertive Curiosity

Chapter 6
Business

Maximizing Assertive Curiosity in

Chapter 7

From Curiosity to Understanding

Chapter 8
Skills

Etiquette: Rules of the Road for People

Chapter 9

Persuasion as a People Skill

Chapter 10

Asking Questions Skillfully

Chapter 11

Assertive Speaking

Chapter 12

Assertive Listening

Chapter 13

Assertive Ambition

Chapter 14
Ambition

Maximizing Results with Assertive

Chapter 15

Assertive Conflict Resolution

Chapter 16
Negotiation

Assertive Conflict Management and

g g g g

Features of the Book

Reading Time: 4 hours, 240 pages
The 5 Essential People Skills identifies and explores
five essential people skills: rapport building, curiosity, communication, ambition, and conflict resolution.
Through narrative text and action steps at the end
of each chapter, it helps readers feel empowered,
respected, and at ease in any business or personal
situation.
The books first two chapters examine the skill at the
core of the five essential people skills: assertiveness.
The next 14 chapters show readers how to apply assertiveness to the five essential people skills. Each chapter
provides specific, practical advice for applying skills;
a series of real-life examples on how to effectively
deploy assertiveness in the workplace; and a set of
action steps that increase readers deep understanding of and ability to apply the chapters ideas.

Preface

The books many lists make it easy to read and allow

readers to read chapters individually rather than
sequentially. The book provides very specific recommendations on situations, such as how much money
a new employee should contribute to an office gift for
a department head having a milestone birthday, and
whether it is appropriate to supplement the inadequate
tip left by a host who picks up the bill for dinner.

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The 5 Essential People Skills

Dale Carnegie Training

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