Love Me, Love Me Not by SM Koz
Love Me, Love Me Not by SM Koz
I frown at what the bag contains. It’s not for us—it’s for him.
“You’re not smoking that here.”
“Shit, Hales, what’s up your ass tonight?”
“I’ve spent the last three nights in three different houses!”
First was my mom’s, then Mr. and Mrs. Garner’s, and now Ms.
Jacobson’s.
He rolls his eyes and then plops himself on the bed. Before I
can join him, his shirt is off and his pants are unzipped, making it
clear what w e’ll be d oing if I d on’t let him get blazed. My eyes drift
up from the plaid boxers peeking out between his fly to his long,
bony arms, and then to his face. He’s got a sharp brow and jawline
and sunken cheeks. It’s from not eating enough, and I know I’d
look the same if I glanced in a mirror. I suddenly feel guilty for not
sneaking anything from dinner for him.
“Come on,” he says, shimmying out of his jeans.
I sit on the edge of the bed and allow him to wrap his arms
around me. I’m exhausted, but it feels nice to be close to him.
Sighing, I lay my head on his chest like usual, clinging to some-
thing familiar when everything else has been turned upside
down.
After not even a minute, he lifts my skirt and slides down my
underwear. Stifling a yawn, I slip my fingers u nder the waistband
of his boxers and ease them over his hips. When they’re only at his
knees, he flips himself on top of me. I focus on the strip of light
under my door. Ms. Jacobson made it clear I could not have boys
in my room. I waited to call Chase on her phone u ntil I was pretty
sure she had fallen asleep, though. As long as w e’re quiet, I doubt
she’ll ever find out.
“I need this right now,” Chase says, his eyes closed, his hands
roaming under my shirt and up my body.
“Hmmm . . . ,” I murmur, as I continue to focus on the light in
the hallway.
Without warning, he rocks into me hard and the headboard slams
against the wall. “Chase!” I yell in a whisper, ignoring the pain.
“Baby . . . ,” he moans.
I mimic his moaning and try to move things along quickly, but
he becomes unusually slow and gentle. I grip his rear end harder
and urge him to speed things up.
“You want it rough?” he asks, pinning my arms to the mattress.
Without waiting for an answer, he picks up his intensity. Mo-
ments later, the headboard bangs again, and I know I need to end
this immediately. “Now,” I say.
“Almost . . .”
“Come on, baby. Now,” I urge.
Just then, I hear a click and the strip of light becomes a flood.
Chase, naked, is still on top of me with my skirt around my waist.
Ms. Jacobson is in the doorway holding her hand to her mouth.
For a brief moment, no one moves. Then Ms. Jacobson turns
around. I push Chase off me, throw him a blanket, and yank down
my skirt.
“I’m sorry,” I yell to her back. “I d idn’t mean to! I promise I
won’t do it again!”
“I’m calling DSS,” she replies, causing my shoulders to slump.
The Department of Social Services. Sherry’s going to kill me.
“When I get back, he needs to be gone.”
Chase is already dressed and halfway out the window. “Call
me when you get settled at your new place,” he says with a wink
and a gleam in his eyes. For him, this was an exciting night.
For me, it was another m istake.
A huge m istake.
Moments later, I hear the roar of his recently borrowed motor-
cycle grow loud and then fade away as he leaves me alone to deal
with the mess.
****
“Hailey Marie Brown, what am I going to do with you?” Sherry
asks, shaking her head. She’s my social worker and was not at all
happy about being woken up in the middle of the night to remove
me from another foster home.
I stare at the dotted yellow lines in the road so I don’t have to
see any more disappointment on her face as we travel through
rural North Carolina. I’ve known Sherry for a c ouple years but
haven’t had to deal with this look from her u ntil the past two days.
She gave me what I wanted—a place to stay far away from my
mom—but it seems all I can do is mess t hings up.
“Chase is a negative relationship. You need to start building
positive relationships,” she says.
“He’s all I have,” I mumble.
“You have me.”
“It’s not the same.” Chase made me feel loved when no one e lse
did. He came into my life when I needed him the most. I mean,
when the options are a screaming, drunk mom threatening to lock
you out of her house or a guy who welcomes you into his home and
can’t get enough of you, the choice is pretty easy. Sure, he’s not
perfect, but who is?
e’re quiet the rest of the way to DSS. In fact, she d oesn’t say
W
anything until she’s given me one of their prefilled hygiene packs,
I’ve washed my face and brushed my teeth, and I’ve settled onto a
sofa in the children’s playroom. She’s lying on another sofa in the
same room with her eyes closed. I think she’s asleep until she asks,
“Are you still taking your birth control?”
“No,” I reply, wishing I had remembered to grab it from the
trailer when I left. It was just so hectic with Sherry there and my
mom screaming at her and me trying to throw a few things into a
backpack.
“Did he use a condom?”
“No,” I say again, readying myself for a lecture. Instead, I’m
met by more silence.
“You should go home,” I say. “I’ll be fine h ere by myself.”
“That’s not how it works.”
“Won’t Jared miss you?” Jared is her boyfriend. I’ve only met
him once but liked him immediately. He’s a second-grade teacher
and adores Sherry. I could tell by the way he constantly touched
her arm or guided her through a door with his hand at her back. I
can’t imagine Chase ever treating me like that. The closest I’ve
ever gotten is when he put his arm around my shoulders during a
pep rally at school. Of course, that could have been to keep himself
steady since he was also trashed that day.
“Jared knows this comes with the territory,” Sherry says, and
then rolls over to face the back of the sofa. I take the hint and close
my eyes, praying tomorrow will be a better day.
off fresh somewhere new. I think you’ll like the family, and the
best part is it’s far from Chase.”
I narrow my eyes at her. She’s happy about the one t hing that
scares me the most. What if the placement turns out to be awful
and I need him?
Holding up her hand, she says, “You can glare at me all you
want, but he’s ruined two placements for you already, has left you
to take the blame for stolen property, and may have impregnated
you or given you an STD. Putting on a condom is not rocket
science, you know.”
I flop back on the couch and cover my eyes with my hand.
“Oh, no, you d on’t. It’s time to get up,” Sherry says, pulling on
my arms u ntil I’m on my feet. “We’ll make a stop at the health
department, and then I’ll take you to school. You’ll meet the
Campbells this afternoon.”
“You just took me to the health department a c ouple days ago,”
I complain. That was the first thing she did after rescuing me from
my mom.
“And you had unprotected sex last night,” she says before turn-
ing around and heading back out the door, making it clear I have
no choice but to follow.
The morning turns out to be as awful as expected. In addition
to making me pee on a stick, the doctor at the health department
made me get another full exam. There has to be a better way of
getting checked out than being prodded with cold metal tools like
I’m a beat-up old truck and the doctor’s my mechanic. At least my
tune-up turned out fine.
After that, we headed to school, where I’m currently sitting in
She opens the door, and I take a deep breath as my eyes tingle
with the threat of tears. I cannot cry. Not h ere, not now.
She walks toward the teacher, and I immediately head to the
back of the room, staring at the floor and praying I can hold back
the tears for just a while longer.
Even though I’m looking down, I can tell all the other students
are watching me in the hand-me-down and two-sizes-too-big
jeans and wrinkled T-shirt Sherry found for me at DSS this morn-
ing. It’s g oing to be just as bad as I expected here. At my old school,
everyone knew my story starting in the first grade, so I was able to
blend into the background as we got older. H ere, being the new
kid, I’ll stick out like a sore thumb. Everyone will stare and talk.
I finally make it to an empty desk and slide in. They’re still
staring. I’ve never had dreams of being head cheerleader or presi-
dent of my class. My dream has always been to go unnoticed. I re-
alize it’s not much of a dream, but it works for me. At least it did at
my old school.
“Everyone, please welcome Hailey. She’s new,” the teacher says.
I feel my cheeks heating up. Why c ouldn’t he ignore me and go
back to the problem on the board?
Although I can’t see who’s saying it because my eyes are plas-
tered to the top of my desk, I hear a number of different voices
murmuring hi. Then there’s some shuffling noises, and the teacher
starts talking about isosceles triangles.
The tingling behind my eyes is even worse now. I shift my eyes
up to the ceiling, trying to stop the tears, but it’s no use. A couple
roll down my cheeks, and my hand darts up to wipe them away.
Luckily, everyone seems to be focused back on the teacher.
I try to follow the lesson, but it’s useless. On a good day, I’d
have trouble with math. On a day like this, there’s no chance.
When the bell rings, I lower my head, letting my long hair pro-
vide a curtain between me and everyone else as I slowly gather my
belongings and hope no one w ill remember I’m in the class. It
works, and I slip in b ehind the last student to leave.
“Ready for lunch?” the office assistant from earlier asks as I
exit the room.
I c an’t h andle lunch. I’m not about to sit at a table all by myself.
I’d rather forget about food and hide in the library. It’s not like I’m
not used to being hungry anyway. It was rare for my mom to keep
anything other than beer in our fridge.
“I’m not hungry,” I say. “Where’s the library?”
“You have to eat. Plus, I need to make sure your meal-plan in-
formation transferred over here correctly.”
She tugs on my arm and leads me back down the hallway
toward the cafeteria. This time, though, the hallway is packed
with students. T hey’re rowdy—yelling, laughing, and a few guys
throwing mini footballs—but no one seems to be paying attention
to me. Maybe I w ill eventually be able to blend in h ere. Maybe it
won’t be so bad.
“What would you like for lunch?” the office assistant asks when
we get to the cafeteria. The line extends out the door and down the
hallway, but she just slips through the door and past the entire line
of students being handed hamburgers, soup, and grilled cheese.
“I told you I’m not hungry.”
“You’ve got to eat something. How about some fruit and a
sweet tea?”
I don’t reply, but she reaches between the students anyway to fill
a foam cup with tea and then plucks an apple from a bowl. I reluc-
tantly accept them when she hands them to me. She then steers me
toward the front of the cafeteria line, which earns a scowl from
some of the students. At least it seems more directed at her than me.
“Enter your number,” she tells me, pointing to a small machine
like the one I’m used to from my old school.
I do, and the machine beeps.
The cafeteria worker standing there swivels the machine
around and squints his eyes to read the display. “There’s an error.
Did your parents say anything about needing to add more money
to your plan?”
I shake my head, keeping my eyes down.
“I was worried about that,” the assistant says in a lowered
voice, but still loud enough for the crowd of students to hear. I feel
their stares at my back and want to crawl into a hole. So much for
being able to blend in.
“She gets free state-subsidized lunches. We’ll work with DSS
to get that straightened out. Until then, let her get whatever she
wants.”
“All right,” he says, nodding. “Does she get breakfast, too?”
Now everyone within earshot knows exactly how poor I am.
The assistant looks back at me. “Breakfast?” she asks.
“I—I don’t know,” I whisper. W ill my foster family feed me
breakfast before school? Will I get to school in time for breakfast?
How w ill I even get to school?
“Well, it’s yours if you want it.”
I nod, and then the assistant disappears, leaving me alone in the
iddle of the crowd. I stand at the junction of the food line and the
m
tables, looking back and forth. Most of the t ables are packed with a
mixture of guys and girls, laughing. There are a few tables in the
back that are empty, so I decide to go that way. I hide behind my
hair again, so no one can make eye contact with me, and begin the
hike, trying to melt into the floor.
About halfway to the table, my eyes land on a pair of Nikes
right in front of me. I glance up and find a large frame walking
backward as he yells something to his friends and gestures wildly
with his hands.
I jump to the right, trying to get out of his way, but I’m not fast
enough. His elbow smashes my face. My nose, actually. The jolt
causes me to drop my cup. It goes flying in the air, sending sweet tea
everywhere—onto the floor, onto the guy’s pants, onto my bor-
rowed shirt—as I stumble.
“Oh shit, I’m so sorry,” he says, grabbing my shoulder to
steady me. “I didn’t see you.”
“It’s okay,” I say quietly, trying to step away from him.
“No, it’s not. Let me grab some napkins for you.”
“Really, it’s fine,” I say, pulling back.
He takes the hint and lets go of my shoulder, but d oesn’t stop
talking. “You’re bleeding.”
I wipe under my nose and sure enough, my fingers are covered
in blood. My day is just getting better and better.
“I’ll take you to the nurse.”
I shake my head. So much for my stealthy walk to the empty
table. Everyone in the cafeteria is now staring at me as blood drips
from my nose onto the gray tile floor.
I might as well have a big, blinking neon sign over my head read-
ing Freak! Freak! Even though there are only a few students
nearby, I dash to the car, jump in quickly, and yell at Sherry to go.
“What’s the rush?” she asks, looking out my window.
I slink down. “They’re g oing to think I’m a juvenile delinquent
or something.”
“No one will think that.”
“Can we just go? Please?”
“No, I need to pick up someone e lse first.”
This gets my attention. There’s someone else in foster care at
this school?
“Who?” I ask.
“Brittany. And there she is now.”
The back door opens, and a girl about my age slides in. That’s
where the similarities end, though. She’s got a nice olive complex-
ion compared with my pale skin. Her eyes are a bright green and
narrow, unlike my big brown ones. And her brightly dyed red hair
is cut in a sharp line along her jaw and looks nothing like my drab
brown strands that hang limp along my forehead and back. Basi-
cally, she looks like a rock star while I look like a kid who woke up
with no home and no f amily this morning.
“I’m Brittany,” she says in a much too upbeat tone.
“Hailey,” I murmur, turning around and then staring straight
ahead.
“You new to the system?”
I nod.
“I’ve been d oing the foster-care thing for ten years, so let me
know if you need anything.”
I hear the click of her seat belt, and then Sherry puts the car in
drive while Brittany continues her chattering.
“Why isn’t Joelle picking me up?” she asks.
“She was called out on a case and asked me to do it instead.
I’ll drop off Hailey first, and then take you to your doctor’s
appointment.”
“Can you tell Joelle I have fantastic news?”
“Sure,” Sherry says, pulling away from the curb. “Care to share
that fantastic news with us?”
I feel my seat jerk backward as Brittany grabs onto it and shoots
her head between the two front seats. “We did it! My band got
second place in the countywide competition last weekend! It’s the
best we’ve ever done!”
I guess my first impression about her being a rock star was
correct.
“That’s wonderful!” Sherry exclaims, adding to the enthusi-
asm in the car. “Y’all need to perform at one of our foster-care
parties. Joelle has been bragging about you forever, and it’s time
we all see this talent firsthand.”
“Well, we are an award-winning band now. . . .”
Sherry glances in the mirror again. “Meaning you want to be
paid for the gig?”
I turn my head to watch Brittany. She flashes a bright smile. “I’m
just saying we’re booking up fast. I’m not sure we’ll be able to fit it in.”
Sherry shakes her head. “We’ll pay you in pizza and soda. All
you can eat and drink.”
“You’ve got yourself a deal!” Brittany yells, and sits back in her
seat with a satisfied grin.
airy space with a vaulted ceiling and an inside balcony for the sec-
ond story. The furniture here is tan and comfy-looking. At the
back of the room is a wall of windows that frame a brick patio and
pine trees as far as I can see. This room feels much more casual
than other parts of the house. Through the railings of the balcony,
I catch Brittany’s back as she studies the artwork.
“Your room is upstairs,” Mrs. Campbell says, leading me
through a huge kitchen with shiny appliances and dark cabinets to
a staircase.
When we reach the top, I see Brittany again. She’s staring at a
painting of a w oman’s face in bright colors.
“Warhol?” she asks.
“Yes. My grandfather collected art as well. He purchased this
just as Warhol was starting to make a name for himself. When
Granddad died fifteen years ago, he left it to me.”
“Wow,” Brittany says with wide eyes as she momentarily looks
at Mrs. Campbell before focusing on the next one. I w ouldn’t call it
a painting—it looks more like shiny metal twisted into strange
patterns. Kind of like a sculpture, but it’s hanging in panels on
the wall.
“Who’s this?”
“DeRubeis.”
“I like it.”
“I do, too. He created a new style all his own. He’s still early in
his c areer, so I’m excited to see where he goes.”
Brittany continues her tour down the landing, stopping at an-
other painting. “You’ve got, like, your own mini art museum here.”
Mrs. Campbell laughs. “Well, I am an art dealer. This is my per-
sonal gallery, but I have another gallery in town with pieces for sale.”
him I’m at my new place. I look around the room but don’t see a
phone. I could go searching for one, but I don’t want them to think
I’m snooping around. They might assume I’m casing the joint or
something and then have a reason to kick me out.
I c an’t move again.
The last three days have been an exhausting r ide. One I’d love
to jump off of, but I c an’t. The doors are locked tight with both
Sherry and Chase grinning at me through the window. Of course,
Sherry’s grin is because she’s trying to make things better. Chase . . .
not so much.
I sigh as realization sets in. I probably shouldn’t call Chase.
Not yet. Maybe once I get settled, we can meet someplace away
from the Campbells’ h ouse so he can’t mess anything up.
I nibble on my nail and look out the window at the quiet street
below. He’s the last tie to my past. Am I r eally ready to say good-
bye to him for a while? I d on’t feel ready. Of course that gnawing
in my gut makes it clear I don’t want to be kicked out of another
place, either.
Maybe, sometimes, you have no choice but to do t hings before
you’re ready.