2015

WINNERS
QUICK
FICTION

Q
REASONS TO
LAUGH
TALES OF STUPIDITY
DUMB CRIMINALS, BOSSES
AND POLITICIANS

THE SECRET
LIFE OF
YOUR SKIN
CRUSADER
HE MAKES FRAUDSTERS PAY

TERROR IN THE OCEAN

ALONE, TIRED AND COLD

ONE QUESTION
YOU MUST
ASK YOUR DOCTOR

GHOST CREATURES
 SHARE THE STORY

Talk About It
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January•2015 | 17
 Contents APRIL 2015

Competition
P. | 48
30 100-WORD STORY WINNERS
The 2015 winners of our pithy fiction contest.

Humour Special
34 HOW TO MAKE A RAT LAUGH
From rollicking rodents to the benefits of tickling
your funny bone, this is the science of comedy.
T R AC E Y M I D D L E KAU F F

40 DEAR TEACHER
Thirty years of teaching means you see a lot of
excuse notes. Here are some of the most honest,
ridiculous and hilarious. PAT R I C E R O M A I N

44 WILL WRITE FOR LAUGHS

How to create a top-rating sitcom, by one of the
writers of Seinfeld. P E T E R M E H L M A N

48 DUMB BEHAVIOUR
Whether it’s criminals, bosses or politicians,
these are some of the people who left their
thinking caps at home in very public ways.
Environment
56 GHOST FISH
The hauntingly beautiful sculptures that use
up one of the ocean’s greatest scourges.
SA L LY M C M U L L E N A N D A R U N A S

It’s Never Too Late

64 HOW I RAN AWAY WITH THE CIRCUS

74
A dedicated teacher learns that the three R’s
can include Rrroar! H A Z E L F LY N N P. |

April•2015 | 1
 Contents
94
APRIL 2015
P. |

Living Language
70 HOW TO SPELL PART 2
More tips for getting the letters in the right order.
D O N YA L E H A R R I S O N

Behind the News

76 3 MYTHS ABOUT THE WORLD’S POOR
The truth opens the way to a better future for all
of us. B I L L A N D M E L I N DA G AT E S

Drama in Real Life

80 DIRE STRAIT
As the Easy Rider headed into rough seas, crew
member Dallas Reedy had no inkling the trip was
doomed. CHARLES ANDERSON F R O M FA I R FA X M E D I A
Your Body
88 A DAY IN THE LIFE OF YOUR SKIN
What your outer layer wants you to know –
especially about scratching. T E R E SA D U M A I N

104
Health
P. | 92 WHEN PATIENTS READ THEIR RECORDS
The benefits of note sharing. D R LEANA WEN

First Person
94 SAVED BY A CAMEL
How a desert safari set this woman on her life’s
path. A M A N DA J O N E S F R O M A N I N N O C E N T A B R O A D
Who Knew?
100 PUBLIC SPEAKERS TELL ALL
Secrets from the people behind the podium.
MICHELLE CROUCH

True Crime
104 ARCH ENEMY OF CONMEN
This lawyer’s dogged determination is a lifeline
for victims of financial fraud. N I C K RYA N

2 | April•2015
 SUBSCRIBER
BONUS
EXTRA
32PAGES
?
TION !
S I SEC TION
ONU T ED
U P RB IN
R ISSUE
K O THE
THIS
C
U NLO TO ● They Save Kids

T TO NOW ● Siri, My Son’s Best Friend

N E Instant Answers: Tweens
WA CRIB
●
● Learn to Take a Stand
S
SUB
● That’s Outrageous!
● Computer Games: The Upside
● Cambodia Rises

REGULARS HUMOUR
4 Letters 62 Laughter, the Best Medicine
7 Editor’s Note 72 Life’s Like That
8 Staff Picks 102 All in a Day’s Work
10 My Story
12 Unbelievable
14 Kindness of Strangers
THE DIGEST
79 Quotable Quotes 17 Health
112 Smart Animals 22 Food
120 Puzzles, Trivia & Word Power 24 House
26 Family
CONTESTS 27 Travel
28 Etc
5 Caption Competition
114 Movies & Books
6 Jokes and Stories
30 100-Word Story Winners

April•2015 | 3
 Letters
READERS’ COMMENTS AND OPINIONS

Traveller’s Tales
I’m sure I used up all my “stupid” on
my first overseas trip – camping in
Africa aged 18 (“Treasures, Trinkets
and Trophies”, January). My husband
and I have photos of us sitting in tree
branches literally over the top of the
Victoria Falls, and canoeing at
midnight in Lake Malawi (crocs and hippos be darned, apparently). The
stupid souvenir story comes from the Maasai throwing knife I spent a
precious $3 on for my brother. Of course, we were searched by Kenyan
airport security. Fortunately, a British Airways stewardess intervened
on our behalf. I’m 36 now and have since travelled extensively, but still
haven’t told my mum any of this. NATALIE BARRETT-LENNARD, Br u c e Ro c k, WA

Talking the Dog broken (“Champagne Cork – When

I enjoyed the laid-back thinking of the Blade Meets Bubbly”, Subscriber
“Dog Mumbler” (Subscriber Bonus, Bonus, January). One of our guests,
January); and I especially enjoyed the a Frenchman, proceeded to show
writer’s style. I have noticed with our best man how to lop it off (with a
dismay that professional writers machete not a sabre). LIZ GRANT

seem to have forgotten about

personal pronouns; it’s usually, Force for Peace
“The person that...”. But Hazel Flynn I stopped reading when I realised
uses personal pronouns – even for “The Terrorist’s Son” (February) was
animals (“Dogs who he regularly written by the killer’s son. I wondered
walks”). I’m happy!
PETER FOPP, We s t B e a c h , S A WRITE TO US
If you are moved – or provoked – by
Sabering Champagne any item in the magazine, write to
At our wedding reception, the cork us. Refer to page 6 for the editorial
contact details in your region.
on our magnum of champagne was

4 | April•2015
 why RD would publish something
like this. After giving myself time to
calm down, I went back and read the
entire article. It is a wonderful story
of a family caught up in the hate
that is so common today and how
they managed to go on to make the
world a better place. Thank you, Zak
Ebrahim. WALT MOORE

Pole Dance Fitness Green Your Office

While I enjoyed your recap of fitness WE ASKED YOU TO THINK UP A FUNNY
fads (“Fitness Through the Ages”, CAPTION FOR THIS PHOTO.

January), I am disappointed by your I wonder why everyone in the office

use of the word “strip” before poles in is telling me to stop the vegan diet?
the equipment section. I appreciate MICHAEL LUCAS
that pole dancing has a stigma from its
past, but it is also a great way to build When I got the promotion, I thought
all this leafing through files would
strength, flexibility, and confidence.
stop. JASPER DE BOER
I’ve been doing pole dancing for eight
years and in none of those classes did “Lettuce pray...” MAXINE CHANDLER
we do anything remotely resembling
stripping. MICHELLE BROTOHUSODO Job Vacancy ... Plant Manager for
Branch Office.
MICHAEL WOOLFORD

Times were so tough even the office

pot plant had to earn its keep.
MURRAY WIGZELL, Pilb ara , WA

Bob refused to deal with the side

effects of an all-kale diet.

WIN!
EMILY RALPH, L eichhardt, NSW

I should have gone to the doctor

P HOTOS: THINKSTOCK

CAPTION CONTEST when I first noticed the green

thumb. JENNIFER ROBERTSON,
Come up with the funniest Harrington Park, NT
caption for the above photo and
you could win cash. To enter, see Congratulations to this month’s winner,
details on page 6. Jennifer Robertson.

April•2015 | 5
 Vol. 188
CONTRIBUTE
No. 1117 FOR DIGITAL EXTRAS AND
April 2015 SOCIAL MEDIA LINKS, SEE PAGE 2.

Anecdotes and jokes

EDITORIAL Editor-in-Chief Sue Carney
Send in your real-life laugh for
Editor RD Asia Siti Rohani Design Director
John Yates Managing Editor Louise Waterson
Life’s Like That or All in a Day’s
Chief Subeditor & Production Editor Donyale Work. Got a joke? Send it in for
Harrison Deputy Chief Subeditor Melanie Egan Laughter is the Best Medicine!
Designer Luke Temby Photo Editor Judith Love Smart Animals
Digital Editor & Humour Editor Greg Barton Share antics of unique pets or
Subeditor Hannah Hempenstall Editorial
wildlife in up to 300 words.
Coordinator Sally McMullen Contributing
Editors Hazel Flynn; Helen Signy Kindness of Strangers
Share your moments of
PRODUCTION & MARKETING
Production Manager Balaji Parthsarathy
generosity in 100–500 words.
Marketing Director Jason Workman My Story
Marketing Manager Gala Mechkauskayte Do you have an inspiring or
life-changing tale to tell?
ADVERTISING Group Advertising Director, Submissions must be true,
Asia Pacific Sheron White Advertising Sales unpublished, original and
Manager Darlene Delaney 800–1000 words – see website
REGIONAL ADVERTISING CONTACTS
for more information.
Asia Kahchi Liew, [email protected]
Australia Darlene Delaney, Letters to the editor, caption
[email protected] competition and other
New Zealand Debbie Bishop, reader submissions
[email protected] Online
South Africa Michéle de Chastelain, Follow the “Contribute” link at the
[email protected] Reader’s Digest website in your region.

PUBLISHED BY READER’S DIGEST Email

(AUSTRALIA) PTY LTD AU: [email protected]
Managing Director/Publisher NZ: [email protected]
Walter Beyleveldt South Africa: [email protected]
Director Lance Christie Asia: [email protected]
We may edit submissions and use them
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President and Chief Executive Officer and conditions.
Bonnie Kintzer
Vice President, Chief Operating Officer, TO SERVE YOU BETTER –
OUR PRIVACY STATEMENT
International Brian Kennedy Reader’s Digest collects your information to provide
Editor-in-Chief, International Magazines our products and services and may also use your
information for the marketing purposes of RD and/
Raimo Moysa or selected corporate partners. If the information is
not provided you will be unable to access our
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ALL RIGHTS RESERVED THROUGHOUT THE Reader’s Digest website in your region contains full
WORLD. REPRODUCTION IN ANY MANNER IN details on how your information is used (including
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WHOLE OR PART IN ENGLISH OR OTHER PAPER. THIS PROVIDES AN ASSURANCE THAT THE
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CONTROLLED information held and our
SOURCES.
privacy complaints process.

6 | April•2015
 Editor’s Note
Telling Your Story Starts Here
EACH ISSUE, under the banner “My Story” we publish a short piece by
a reader. We invite submissions. We purposely give no guidance on
what to write about. Write about anything. Anything at all. It just has to
be from your own experience. And not too long. Oh, and something that
other people will want to read, of course. The style, the topic, the
mood… that’s all up to you.
A wide range of stories come in, by email and post. Many are touching
or amusing. But invariably the most memorable are the ones told simply
and from the heart. You don’t need to be an accomplished writer to
contribute or to have completed a creative writing course. In fact,
frequently the freshest and the most delightful are submitted by readers
who have never had any sort of writing published anywhere before. They
just have an experience that they cherish, and they set about sharing it as
if they are retelling it to a group of dear friends.
This issue’s “My Story: Evenings With
Dad” made an impression on us from the
first reading. If I told you it is about a young
girl and a father and an evening ritual
washing his hair comb, you’d be forgiven
for thinking that’s weird or mundane. But
PHOTOGRAPHED BY DA MIA N BEN NETT

like many of the most engaging stories, it’s

not about the ordinary surface detail.
It’s about something much more
powerful. It’s about family and
relationships. Security and enduring love.
A lot to tackle in 600 words.
Great stories don’t have to be long or
complicated. What’s yours?

April•2015 | 7
STAFF PICK

“Don’t Miss This...”

Each issue the team working on the magazine gets to read,
edit and design every detail of our pages. Seeing every
story and item up close leads to much discussion

I really don’t like rats. They carry

plague (yes, I know it’s the fleas) and
I hear they grow to some enormous
proportions. So I was none too happy
when I began working on “How to
Make a Rat Laugh”, page 34. Rats
laughing? As if. What is funny is the
thought of teams of lab-coated
gelotologists (apparently that’s what
you call scientists who study humour)
trying to get them to chuckle, perhaps
starting off with jokes. A cockroach,
a rat and an ant all walk into a bar…
(And then I found two more mentions
of rats in this issue... can you?)
MELANIE EGAN, deputy chief subeditor

Oops. I blushed when I read the funny and outrageous excuses listed
in “Dear Teacher”, page 40. Now I realise that for all those years
when I turned up at school with wild stories about why I hadn’t
done homework, my teachers saw straight through me. Funerals for
elderly relatives? Tick. Family dog chomping its way through maths
equations? Tick. Lost bus pass? Tick. I’ve used them all, many times.
JOHN YATES, art director

8 | April•2015
Editor Sue Carney and I “met” the fish in “Ghost
Fish” (page 56) at a workshop/exhibition attended
by some of the artists. I had been looking forward
to it, but days before I tripped and broke my wrist.
Undeterred, I accompanied Sue to the event and,
under the brilliant if slightly bemused tutelage of
Florence Gutchen, made a brooch from washed-up
fishing nets. One hand is enough if you’re prepared
to use teeth! (Sue’s was better, but she was cast-free.)
The art is a wonderful solution to a dire problem,
I just hope that one day Florence and co. run out of
nets. DONYALE HARRISON, chief subeditor

A couple of years ago I went to see a GP and a bubbly tour guide, on top
who turned the screen to show me of Raj, a weary yet obliging
some blood results. While scanning the
screen I saw that a previous doctor
camel, Amanda discovers her
had written a note saying I had got true calling. Don’t miss “Saved
angry when she told me my cholesterol By a Camel”, page 94.
was high. I don’t think GP notes are LOUISE WATERSON, managing editor
a place for personality reports, so
I applaud the idea that doctors should I loved this issue’s Instant
let you in on what they are writing in
your medical files (“When Doctors
Answers on Tweens
Share Notes”, page 92). (Subscriber Bonus). As a
HANNAH HEMPENSTALL, subeditor mother of a high schooler,
I’ve first-hand and recent
So many journalists aspire to experience of those not-really-
writing travel features, but a-child/not-yet-a-teenager
few can draw a reader in like years. They’re roller coaster
Amanda Jones does when she times. But a wonderful
recalls, with great humour, adventure – especially in
her first adventure to India. hindsight!
As she is led into the Thar DARLENE DELANEY, ad support manager

Desert of western Rajasthan by

Do you have a favourite story in this
a sleepy teenage camel driver issue? Write to us. Details on page 6.

April•2015 | 9
MY STORY

For years, my father and I had a quirky little routine

Evenings With Dad

BY G RAC E L E E

GRACE LEE, SOME OF MY EARLIEST MEMORIES involve sitting with my dad

from Malaysia, in his study every night when he came home from the office. I’d
developed an
watch as he put his personal items away: his watch, wallet, comb
interest in
writing a few and car keys would always occupy the same spot on the table
years ago. This every time. It was as if he could see invisible lines drawn
is her first specifically for these things, not a centimetre more or less.
published piece. Dad’s comb was jade green. I heard he bought it when he
married Mum, which made the comb two years older than
I was. Every night, he would smile, hand me the comb and
say: “Be a good girl and help Daddy clean it, OK?”
I was more than happy to do it. At age five this mundane
task brought me such joy. I would excitedly turn the tap on,
then brush the comb with a used toothbrush as hard as
I could. Satisfied that I’d done a good job, I would proudly
return the comb to Dad. He would smile at me, and place
the comb on top of his wallet.
About two years later, Dad left his sales job and started his
own wholesale business. I started primary school. That was
when things started to change. Dad’s business wasn’t doing so
well, and our stable life started getting shaky. He didn’t come
home as much as he used to – just a couple of times a week. And
when he did come home, it was always late and I’d already be in
bed. I started to get mad. Why didn’t he listen to Mum and just
stick to his old job? Why take the risk and place the whole family
in trouble? Over the years, I stopped waiting for him to come
home, and stopped going downstairs to check on him.
Today, I’m no longer a kid. Now 28, I’ve graduated from
college and got a job. Dad’s business has also started to get

10 | April•2015
 since I last cleaned it.” I looked at
him a while, then took the comb
and headed to the sink.
It’s a new comb. This one’s brown.
I hadn’t noticed that he’d changed it.
He used to have the green one,
then a pink one that he gave to me
as a present but took back when his
green one broke. I punch a few drops
of soap from the dispenser onto an
old toothbrush, and I brush the comb.
It hit me then: why, as a child,
helping my dad clean his comb was
such a joy. That routine meant that
my dad was home early to spend the
evening with Mum and I. It meant he
would watch TV with us or play a few
video games with me. It meant a
happy and loving family.
I pass the clean comb back to Dad.
He looks at it and smiles. But this
time, I notice something different.
My dad has aged. He has wrinkles
next to his eyes when he smiles, yet
his smile is still as heartwarming as
before. The smile of a father who just
wants a good life for his family.
Dad carefully places his comb on
top of his wallet. After so many years,
he still organises his personal items
back on track. Things are better in the same meticulous way. I guess
now. Yet the uncomfortable silence some things never change. And for
between Dad and me persisted. that, I’m glad.
PHOTOS: THIN KSTOC K

Two days before my birthday last

year, Dad came home early. As usual, Do you have a tale to tell?
I helped him carry his bags into his We’ll pay cash for any original and
study. When I turned to leave, he unpublished story we print. See
said: “Hey, would you like to help me page 6 for details on how to
clean my comb? It’s been a while contribute to the magazine.

April•2015 | 11
 Unbelievable
TRUE TALES TOLD TALL

Things You Can Learn

From My Pet
ILLUSTRATION: AN DREW JOYN ER

Nury Vittachi tilts his head and wonders if dogs have all the answers
MY DOG spends hours visualising her “At least savour the thing!” I
dinner, licking her lips in anticipation shout, but she pretends not to
of it and walking in and out of the understand English. Besides, she
kitchen to catch the precise moment follows dog logic, which isn’t human
when it is served. And then she logic. For example, here’s how dogs
inhales it in ONE NANOSECOND. deal with problems: 1) Face
Slurrrp! Gone. whatever it is. 2) Slowly tilt your

12 | April•2015
head and look at it from a 45° angle. 5) When you buy a different brand
3) If it still remains puzzling, you go of pet food: “I am an extremely
off to the kitchen to see if any food discriminating diner and will eat
has magically materialised in your only the finest haute cuisine. Oh,
dog bowl. look! One of my old poops! Yum.”
The dog and I communicate well But there is one oddity about my
now that I’ve learned dog logic. For dog. When I try to play “fetch”,
example, when she scratches at my she won’t co-operate. She just looks
door, she is giving me a message: at the other dogs as if to say: “My
“Let me in, so I can go human spent five
back out again.” The gap minutes looking for that
between wanting to come stick. And now he’s
in and wanting to go out “My human thrown it away. See what
can be as little as ten spent five I have to put up with?”
seconds, and she minutes looking But dogs are nice.
sometimes stops half way for that stick. If I have an accident,
in or out for a head-tilt. she rushes to my aid.
Top five pieces of dog
And now he’s “You just fell off a
logic: 1) When someone thrown it away. ladder! Will a face-
passes within 20m of See what licking help?”
our door: “Everybody in I have to put Yet, be warned. You
the outside world wants will never have any
to kill us! Get ready for
up with?” privacy again, thanks to
attack!” the most annoying bit of
2) When visitors enter dog logic of all: “Hmm,
our home: “Please line up for the children are out and Mum and
security inspection. This will Dad have gone to the bedroom.
involve the temporary insertion of There’s nothing they’ll like better
my snout into your nether regions.” than for me to add to the fun by
3) When I take her out for walkies: jumping on the bed and barking!”
“Every day I find a beautiful new I have to stop here now. I did look
spot to add to my list of sacred earlier, but I want to check again
territories. And now I will urinate just in case anything new has
all over it.” materialised in the fridge.
4) When it’s time to clean the house: Not that I am picking up bad
“I fear nothing. I will give my life to habits or anything.
protect this household from danger
of any shape or size. What’s that Nury Vittachi is a Hong Kong-based
sound? A vacuum cleaner! RUN!” author. Read his blog at Mrjam.org

April•2015 | 13
THE KINDNESS OF STRANGERS

The big adventure of a young backpacker comes to

a sudden halt with the last ferry gone for the day

Sicilian Connection
BY C ASS I DY JAC KSO N -CARRO LL

CASSIDY JACKSON- AS A BACKPACKER in my early 20s, I worked in London for

CARROLL, 36, is a a while. During a break, I decided to take a quick solo trip
teacher. She likes to
spend her leisure
to Europe. I’d stayed with a Spanish friend in the Canary
time travelling, Islands, had an Italian friend show me around her
seeking adventure hometown of Verona as well as Venice, and crashed on the
and catching up hotel couch of some Australian friends in Rome. Now
with friends. I was en route from Rome to visit my friend Maya in Malta.
In the train carrying me to Sicily, I envisioned myself
skipping over to the ferry terminal, timetable in hand,
and sailing with the day’s sunset to Malta. The train
arrived but the ferry terminal was not where I had
assumed it would be. Instead it was about 100km away
on the other side of Sicily!
In broken Italian, I convinced a taxi driver to deliver
me to the terminal, at a highly discounted price. When
I arrived at the terminal, only customs officials were
present. The last ferry to Malta had already departed for
the day. Apparently I had the winter schedule, the
summer schedule having begun the day before. Now
a damsel in distress, I did what I thought was highly

14 | April•2015
 Plans to take the Italian ferry
system for a quick 90-minute
jaunt went badly awry

appropriate at the time and cried. even gave up her room to me for the
The Italian men surrounding me night. Her father roused me early in
were in a conundrum of what to do the morning with fresh doughnuts
with a weeping blonde. However, the and drove me to the now bustling
head customs official quickly took ferry terminal. He and his work
command and rectified the situation. colleagues then bid me farewell and
He rang my Maltese friend from his good luck.
P HOTO: GETTY IMAGES

mobile and explained the situation. I’ve never forgotten the generosity
Then he took me home to meet his and complete kindness of this Sicilian
family. His wife and two teenage stranger. I am now pedantic about
daughters took me to a local festival reading timetables, and often give
where I was treated to pasta and customs officials a wink when I pass
gelato for dinner. The eldest daughter through borders. >>

April•2015 | 15
Sisterly Friendship BY J ESSI CA W U

We nearly missed the plane, now would it be the train?

FIVE DAYS into our trip to Europe, my our dilemma and she lent us her
two friends and I were panicking – phone so we could call the emergency
our bus to Gatwick Airport near Flight Centre number. Despite being
London was running late. We only on her way home from a tiring day at
just made it in time and were seated work, Jet patiently guarded our
apart. On the flight to Amsterdam, luggage as we rushed between the
I sat next to a Dutch lady named information and ticket lines. We
Josephine and we struck up an easy managed to make it onto the train just
conversation. After landing, Josephine seconds before its departure. While
introduced us to her sister, Jet, who relieved we had made it, we were also
was waiting for her. We then wished regretful that in the rush we had not
each other well and parted ways. been able to properly thank Jet.
Four days later my friends and I A day later I received an email from
headed to Amsterdam Central Station Jet, who had jotted down my email
to start the next leg of our adventure. address from my luggage tag, wishing
Things quickly went pear-shaped us a safe arrival at our destination.
when we realised our travel agent had I wrote back with our thanks and an
not given us our Eurorail passes. With invitation to catch up. And to think,
only 20 minutes before our train was this all started with a late bus!
due to depart we were seconds from a
group meltdown. Then, we heard a Share your story about the kindness
of strangers and win cash. Turn
sweet, husky voice: “Hey girls! How is to page 6 for details on how to
your stay?” It was Jet. We explained contribute to the magazine.

A chance meeting at Amsterdam

Central Station helped three
travellers on their way
PHOTO: THI NKSTOCK

16 | April•2015
 THE DIGEST
HEALTH

HOT TOPIC

Why Do Boys Need HPV

Vaccinations?
cancers worldwide, and that rate
is increasing. Many carriers won’t
have any symptoms, but they can
still transmit the virus.

A vaccine against the WHY DO BOYS NEED THE JAB?

human papillomavirus Vaccines work through “herd
(HPV) was introduced in immunity”. This is a general decline
Australia in 2007 to protect girls in the incidence of HPV throughout
against cervical cancer and has since the community thanks to its inability
been rolled out around the world. But to spread among vaccinated people.
the vaccination is just as important Vaccinated girls are protected against
for adolescent boys. Here’s why. cervical cancer, but they represent
only half the population. Vaccinating
WHAT IS HPV? HPV is a virus with boys ensures that everyone will be
multiple strains. Gardasil, the most protected against HPV in future.
popular vaccine, protects against its A study done by the Kirby Institute
four most significant strains. HPV at the University of New South Wales
is one of the most common viruses has shown that in 2012 the incidence
transmitted between people who of genital warts had decreased by up
P HOTO: GETTY IMAGES

have more than one sexual partner. to 90% among young sexually active
It is the cause of 90% of genital people since HPV vaccination was
warts cases and a leading cause of introduced in 2007.
cervical cancer and cancers of the “It’s a success story you rarely see
mouth, throat, anus and penis. In in medicine,” says Dr Hammad Ali of
fact, HPV infections cause 5% of all the Kirby Institute.

April•2015 | 17
HEALTH

DIY CHECK-UP

Every Evening, Think PERF

Monitor these four straightforward indicators every
day to make sure you are living healthily
PRODUCE: the amount of vegetables blood ferritin (iron) levels checked.
and fruits you ate that day. Some studies suggest that low levels
EXERCISE: whether you walked and may be related to hair loss.
were active.
RELAXATION: whether you got at Chart your pee Your urine should
least 15 minutes of laughter and fun. be a clear, straw colour; if it’s dark or
FIBRE: whether you ate enough has a strong smell, you may not be
beans, grains, and other high-fibre getting enough fluids. If it stays dark
food. even after you increase your liquid
If you can say you did well on all four intake, follow up with your doctor.
PERF steps, you lived a healthy day.
Follow your heart To test your
Keep an eye on these additional heart rate recovery (HRR) after
signs to check your overall health: regular strenuous activity, count
Check your hairbrush If your hair is your heartbeats for 15 seconds, then
falling out, get your multiply by four to get your heart
rate. Sit down and wait two minutes
before checking again. Subtract the
second number from the first. If it’s
under 55, then you should follow up
with your doctor.

Monitor your blood pressure Check

your blood pressure every six
months. If the top number is over
120 and the bottom number is higher
than 80, wait a day, then check it
again. If it’s still high, see your GP.

18 | April•2015
 HEALTHY HABIT

5 Weird Brain Exercises That

Help You Get Smarter
Giving your brain new experiences will keep it healthier.
Try these exercises to sharpen your mind
BRUSH TEETH WITH YOUR NON- and diverts your attention elsewhere.
DOMINANT HAND Research has When they’re upside down, your
shown that using the opposite side right brain networks kick in, trying
of your brain (as in this exercise) to interpret the shapes, colours and
can result in a rapid and substantial relationships of a puzzling picture.
expansion in the parts of the cortex
that control and process tactile EAT UNFAMILIAR FOODS Your
information from the hand. olfactory system can distinguish
millions of odours by activating
SHOWER WITH YOUR EYES unique combinations of receptors in
CLOSED Try using just your tactile your nose. There’s a direct link to the
senses to clean yourself (using emotional centre of your brain, so
common sense to avoid burn or new odours may evoke unexpected
injury). Locate the taps solely by feel, feelings and associations.
and adjust the temperature. Then
wash, shampoo, and so on MAKE MORE SOCIAL
with your eyes shut. CONNECTIONS DURING
YOUR DAY Research has
PHOTOS: GETTY IMAGES; THIN KSTOCK

TURN FAMILIAR repeatedly proved that

OBJECTS UPSIDE social deprivation
DOWN When you has negative effects
look at things on cognitive
right-side up, abilities. Buy
your left a drink from
“verbal” a person
brain rather than
quickly a vending
labels it machine.

April•2015 | 19
HEALTH

NEWS FROM THE

World of Medicine
Fight Stroke with Fish Walking Groups Boost
People who eat more protein – Overall Health
especially from seafood – may be The British Journal of Sports Medicine
less likely to have a stroke, according has revealed that joining a walking
to survey analysis conducted by group is one of the best and easiest
the Nanjing University School of ways to boost overall health. Using
Medicine in China. The study, 42 studies involving almost 2000
published in Neurology, the medical adults across 14 countries, the
journal of the American Academy of researchers studied the mental
Neurology, involved seven separate and physical health consequences
studies totalling 254,489 people and of joining a walking group. The
found that eating just 20 additional studies involved participants with a
grams of protein every day lowered wide range of conditions, including
the risk of stroke by 26%. arthritis, dementia, diabetes and
Overall, the participants with the obesity. People in walking groups
highest protein intake were 20% less had significantly lower than average
likely to develop a stroke than those blood pressure, resting heart rate,
with the lowest amount of protein in body fat, weight, and total cholesterol.
their diets. The link was stron- Their lung power, overall
gest for people getting their physical functioning,
protein from seafood and general fitness
rather than from grains were also improved,
or red meat. Protein as was their mood.
and the fatty acids in While many people
fish lower blood pres- find it difficult
sure, which may help to stick to new
PHOTO: ADAM VOORHES

protect against stroke. exercise plans,

The results accounted three-quarters of all
for factors that could af- participants found
fect the risk of stroke, the group dynamic
such as smoking and encouraged them to
high cholesterol. stick to the plan.

20 | April•2015
 COMPLEMENTARY

Natural Sleeping Remedies

There is a wide range of natural sleep remedies
available – here’s the lowdown on what works
CHAMOMILE has been a popular
natural sleep remedy for centuries
and helps many people to
feel calm and relaxed before
bedtime. Many people swear by
a cup of chamomile tea before
bed – and it’s completely safe.
Drink
VALERIAN is a herbal extract and
chamomile
one of the most popular natural tea before
supplements for insomnia. When bed and
taken over time, it’s claimed it can sleep well
reduce the time taken to fall asleep
and improve sleep quality. Although
research has been mixed on the TAI CHI AND YOGA Dr Sarris, senior
results, most show a helpful effect. research fellow at the University of
Melbourne found that one of the best
KAVA has sedative properties and ways of helping with insomnia was
has been used as a herbal remedy to practise mind-body interventions
for stress and anxiety. While studies like tai chi, yoga and acupressure.
show it does indeed help with
insomnia, it’s now been banned in VERDICT “Most natural sleep
parts of Europe due to links with therapies work better when taken
cirrhosis, hepatitis and liver failure. over days or weeks – they don’t have
the immediate, soporific effect of
TRYPTOPHAN is an amino acid that benzodiazepines,” says Sarris. “The
PHOTO: THI NKSTOCK

boosts the production of serotonin, issue is that the quality of some

a neurotransmitter thought to help herbal medicines varies. They may
people go to sleep. Found naturally work well for some people but not for
in milk and turkey it’s generally not others. Get a good quality preparation
available in supplement form. and give it a go and see if it works.”

April•2015 | 21
FOOD

Making Sense of Taste

To better understand taste, try to can of beer might also have a different
recall your last summer barbecue. flavour from one person to another.
Think of the salty crunch of potato Variations on the TAS2R38 gene
chips, the feeling of biting into a will change the shape of your bitter
freshly grilled sausage or that tangy taste receptors, which determine
gulp of lemonade… how strongly you taste foods such
At its simplest, taste is the as broccoli or Brussels sprouts. And
transmission of signals from scientists now believe that the way
thousands of taste buds on the you smell, dictated by gene OR62A,
tongue, throat and roof of the mouth may be responsible for the soapy
to the brain. However, touch, sound, aroma and taste some detect in that
smell and sight are all involved. polarising herb coriander.
Those chips, for example, aren’t As recollections of summer
the same without their sound. barbecues attest, emotion and
Experiments at the University of memory also significantly influence
Oxford have shown that the louder the way we eat. In the classic In Search
a chip crunches, the more likely the of Lost Time, Marcel Proust stops short
eater is to perceive it as fresh. That after tasting a tea-soaked madeleine
cake. He realises the rush of feelings
that the treat aroused remind him of
Sunday mornings he used to spend
with his aunt Leonie. What Proust
understood more than 100 years
ago about the happy effects of taste,
neuroscientists now believe can work
both ways. Warm associations with
the smell and taste of Grandma’s
P HOTOS: THI NKSTOCK

strawberry shortcake can leave you

with a penchant for strawberries and
baked sweets. But beware: a foul food
memory, of even one spoiled egg
salad, for example, can turn
you off a dish for life.

22 | April•2015
A few simple rules to help
you get it right

Perfect Pasta
BY BAR RY H E R TZ
Although there are hundreds of
types of pasta, the average kitchen
only uses a half-dozen varieties. If
you’re going to stick to the basics,
why not do it right?

BIT OF BITE Pasta that’s cooked too

long will be soggy; not long enough
and it’ll be chewy. Aim for a slightly
firm al dente texture, which Lorenzo
Boni, executive chef of Barilla
America, calls the ideal consistency:
“It takes longer to digest and lets you
better absorb the nutrients.”

GRAIN OF SALT To achieve an al

dente dish, salt water after it boils,
not before. This will slow the heating
process. “The flavour will infuse into
the pasta as it cooks,” says Boni, who KEEP THINGS SAUCY “Long pasta
recommends 7 grams of salt per litre is best with sauces that stick, while
of water. shorter is great with ingredients that
can be tossed together,” says Rob
IN HOT WATER Add the pasta Gentile, executive chef at Toronto’s
only once the water is boiling Buca restaurant. “For spaghetti,
– dumping it into a cold pot use a simple pomodoro – tomatoes,
guarantees a sticky disaster. Boni basil, olive oil. For shorter pasta like
suggests 4 litres of water per orecchiette, get chunkier pieces of
500 grams of pasta. vegetables, meat or seafood.”

April•2015 | 23
HOME

Don’t let your dream house

turn into a nightmare

Homebuyer
Beware
It takes an average buyer just eight promising property that
minutes to decide on a house – no isn’t on your list, see if
wonder almost 50% soon discover the sale board has a phone
problems. So why not take a few number or website link.
tips from the professionals?
LOOK ON THE DARK SIDE Visit
BE THE BUYER EVERYONE WANTS your dream house at night, in rush
You need cash, or a buyer for your hour, when it rains and – if you can
existing house who’s had all the – in extreme weather. Ponder how
paperwork, including mortgage and you’d feel if a neighbour extended
building survey, confirmed. This way their house and blocked a great view.
the agent will take you seriously. Find out the extent and level of the
last floods.
TRY BEFORE YOU BUY Rent for a
PHOTOS: THIN KSTOC K; GETTY IM AGES

while before settling in a new area or SEE BENEATH THE SURFACE Take
deciding on a different type of house. reference photos or videos during
A stay in the countryside in winter viewings, concentrating on what’s
or a historic town at the height of the expensive to put right – leaking
tourist season will soon reveal what gutters, damp walls, vertical cracks,
it’s like to live the dream. suspect wiring and infested or
rotting wood. Check the shower, gas,
HAVE A HOUSE-HUNTING HOLIDAY electricity and heating, and research
View several in a few days, and broadband speeds and mobile
get an offer in fast. If you spot a reception in the area.

24 | April•2015
Natural remedies for a pest invasion

How to Get Rid of Ants

Many entomologists (aka bug through the drain holes to eliminate

experts) say that natural remedies the insects’ house.
are not as potent as pesticides
when it comes to getting rid of little Herbs and spices Pantry staples like
critters. But if you want to try toxin- sugar, flour and certain seasonings
free ways, here are some options: can fall prey to ants. To keep your
food safe, slip a bay leaf inside
Lemons Squirt lemon juice on door your storage containers. If you’re
thresholds and windowsills. Then concerned about the flour or sugar
squeeze a wedge into holes where picking up a bay leaf flavour, tape
ants are coming through. Finally, the leaf to the inside of the lid. This
scatter slices of lemon peel around works inside cabinets, too, where
outdoor entrances. The acidity and sachets of sage, cinnamon, or whole
smell can help keep the pests away. cloves will smell pleasant while
discouraging ants from getting cosy.
Flowerpots and hot water Tired
of getting stung by bull ants? Place From the book Extraordinary Uses
a flowerpot upside down over the for Ordinary Things, published by
anthill, then pour boiling water Reader’s Digest.

ERASE THEIR TRAILS

Ants leave a scented trail that other ants follow. Sweeping or mopping isn’t
enough to eliminate the scent. Instead, mix one part vinegar with three
parts water in a spray bottle, then spritz
wherever you’ve seen ants.

April•2015 | 25
FAMILY

Why I Wear Two

Wedding Rings
BY PATR I C K CO O N E Y

I have worn two wedding bands for father and my

more than a dozen years. The rings parents’ marriage.
seldom get noticed, but when I am I also wear it to
asked I respond, “I have two wives,” remind myself to
an answer that is met with a chuckle, be the son, brother,
a groan, or a weird look. Recently husband, and
after leaving a business meeting, dad that my father
I stopped in the hallway to check wanted me to be. I am
text messages on my phone. now 60 years old and
As I was typing, a stranger have been married for
paused and asked, “Why are you 30 years.
wearing two wedding bands?” The stranger
“I have two wives,” I said. This nodded and, without
time there was no chuckle or groan. a word, turned and
“No, really,” he said. “Why?” walked down the
I explained that I’d lost my father stairs to the parking
in 1999, shortly before the turn of lot. I returned to my
the century, something he was really mobile phone and
looking forward to celebrating. As messages. Out of the corner of my
we were saying our final farewells at eye, I noticed the stranger walking
ILLUSTRATI ON: SILJA GOETZ

his funeral, my mother, his wife of back towards me. He said, “Sir, you
50-plus years, removed his wedding know, I have my father’s wedding
band and handed it to me. Surprised, band in my sock drawer at home, and
I placed the gold band on my left beginning today, I am going to start
middle finger, next to my wedding wearing it.”
band. There it has remained. I silently nodded, and the stranger
I told the stranger that I wear my quietly turned and walked back down
father’s wedding band to honour my to the parking lot. And I smiled.

26 | April•2015
 TRAVEL

You thrive on adventure, live for the unforgettable

experience, there’s just one little thing that scares you …

Extreme Holiday Cures

Frightened of sharks? Get up close an active volcano. A helicopter
and personal with the ocean’s most will fly you into the caldera of a
majestic creatures at Beqa Island in volcano near Pucon, Chile, so you
Fiji. With no cages or barriers between can bungee-jump within 200m of
you and the sharks, you can swim molten lava below.
with eight different species including
P HOTO: GETTY IMAG E S

bull sharks, reef sharks, grey nurses Frightened of speed? Some of the
and the awe-inspiring tiger shark. world’s best desert dunes are in the
Wahiba Sands, a two-hour drive from
Frightened of heights? Take Muscat, the capital of Oman. With
a bungee jumping adventure up many about 100m in height, this is
a notch by diving head first into the perfect place for some extreme
sandboarding action. If you’re
not prepared to fly down the
dunes standing up, you can
warm up by tobogganing down
instead.

Frightened of rats? Karni Mata

Temple in Rajasthan, India, is
just what you need to face your
fears. Also called the Temple
of the Rats, it’s famous for both
its beautiful architecture and
the 20,000-odd rats that call it
home. For a firsthand account
of what it’s like to visit, see
“Saved By a Camel” on page 94.

April•2015 | 27
ETC

Some relics of yore have

survived the march of time

3 Things That
Still Exist
BY COR E Y L E V I TA N

1. THE WORLD’S FAIR was once a

huge deal, with attendance numbers
exceeding a third of the entire US ultimate phantom menace: a
population. For the 1889 event, large sand dune, moving at a rate of
France built the Eiffel Tower, while the 4cm per day, is poised to swallow it
US replied in 1893 by debuting whole within several years.
electric lighting and the Ferris wheel
(above right). Ice-cream cones, 3. PAGERS When almost everyone else
dishwashers, the Ford Mustang, and moved to mobile phones, some
the Space Needle all came to us in this doctors kept their pagers. That’s
way. The next World’s Fair (Expo) is in because mobiles are often prohibited
Milan, Italy, from May 1 to October 31 around sensitive medical equipment.
and expects 29 million visitors. Many fire brigades, such as Australia’s
Country Fire Authority in fire-prone
P HOTOS: GETTY IM AGES; THINKSTOCK

2. THE STAR WARS SET About 20 regions of Victoria, also use emergency
structures used to represent Luke alerting system (EAS) pagers. That’s
Skywalker’s home planet of Tatooine because mobile phone systems can
still stand in the Sahara break down due to
Desert in Tunisia. Most were overload and
built for 1999’s The receptor towers
Phantom Menace, but experience black
some date back to the spots.
original 1976 shoot. Alas, From Listverse.com with
Tatooine is facing the additions

28 | April•2015
 Hours of
great reading
Don’t miss out!
Each issue packed
APRIL 2015

2015
WINNER
QUICK
FICTION
S
with real-life
drama, laughs and
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REASONS TO
THE WORLD’

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 1WORD
OO
COMPETITION

STORY
WINNERS
T he challenge was mighty: tell us a tale
using exactly 100 well-chosen words .
In this fast fiction contest there’s not a syllable
to waste. Every detail needs to move the story
along so, by the end, the reader is left chuckling or teased
or – as we found with this year’s brilliant winner – simply
stunned. Read on!

30 | April•2015
WINNER
Catherine Ireland,
Johannesburg
Margaret liked everything just so.
And when she found out she was
expecting, she joyfully scrubbed
everything with renewed zeal.
But, the baby arrived, with soiled
nappies and milky possets. It was
all too much, even for Margaret.
She grew pale, thin and grim-
faced. Until, one Tuesday
afternoon she hit on the idea of
cling-wrap. So easy to wipe
clean...
She cling-wrapped chairs,
tables, cushions, toys and beds
until she was interrupted by the
baby’s crying. She probably
wanted changing, thought
Margaret. So she cling-wrapped
the baby and sat down with her
feet up.
The quiet was such a relief.
Catherine Ireland is a creative
director who lives in Johannesburg
with her husband, two children,
two cats, and two chickens.
She wins R5000.

THE JUDGES SAID:

This one had us talking for weeks. We love the way it sweeps the reader up in
the flurry of domestic events, And then just drops us all over a precipice.

WE’LL BE RUNNING MORE OF YOUR

MORE 100-WORD STORIES THROUGHOUT THE
STORIES YEAR IN THE MAGAZINE. LOOK OUT FOR
THEM IN UPCOMING ISSUES.

April•2015 | 31
1 0 0 WO R D STO RY W I N N E R S

RUNNER-UP
Barbara-Ann Moore, Cape Town

Jane got married on Saturday.

Fortunately, the weather held.
Unfortunately, the seam of her dress didn’t.
Fortunately, her mum’s pins held it up.
Unfortunately, her tipsy father’s pins let him
down.
Fortunately, Uncle James stepped in and
finished Dad’s speech for him seamlessly.
Unfortunately, he tended to embroider the
truth a bit.
Fortunately, no-one was taken in by these
alterations.
Unfortunately the nervous groom, who
thought he had it all sewn up, completely
unravelled when his turn came.
Fortunately the bride, recognising a familiar
pattern, overlocked his shortcomings as she
lovingly rearranged his buttonhole – which had
us all in stitches.
Barbara-Ann Moore, 53, is a professional artist
from Cape Town. She wins R1000.

THE JUDGES SAID:

The quirky style helped this story stand out
in a pile of entries. A delightful and well
(dare we say?) crafted yarn.

THE JUDGES
Our team of editors
PHOTOS : THINKSTOCK

were amazed by the

range of stories this year

Sue Carney Lynn Lewis Louise Waterson

Editor-in-Chief, Editor-in-Chief, Managing Editor
RD Magazine RD General Books RD Magazine

32 | April•2015
 READER’S DIGEST

CREATIVITY
REIGNS!
To everyone who
entered the 100-word
story competition this
year: a big thank you.
With so many short
tales of mystery,
intrigue, tragedy,
humour and love to
choose from, picking a
shortlist and then the
RUNNER-UP eventual prize winners
was a delightful task.
Megan J. McAuley, Eastern Cape
We laughed at cheeky
Ella walked nervously down the aisle. She twisted plots and
looked left, then right. Should she forget the gasped at the chilling
whole thing and leave now, or should she crimes you sketched
keep going? This was quite important after out. But, above all,
all. She carried on walking. She was so
we applauded the range
confused. She was certain this was the right
place to be earlier but now she wasn’t so of ways you found to
sure. She tried to focus. She needed to get craft an entertaining
this done. She was almost at the end of the story in just a few
aisle now. She tried to see everything but precise lines.
she just couldn’t figure out where the
supermarket kept the candles she needed
for her son’s birthday party. AND REMEMBER:
Reader’s Digest has room for
Megan Jessica McAuley is a student from dozens of stories, anecdotes
Uitenhage in the Eastern Cape. She hopes and jokes submitted by our
to publish a book some day. Megan wins R1000. readers across many sections
of the magazine. For how you
can share your experiences –
THE JUDGES SAID: and perhaps get paid for
We applaud the clever use of language that your writing – turn to page 6.
leads us down a foolish path. Stress lurks Nobody has a story quite
everywhere, indeed. like yours!

April•2015 | 33
 22 HUMOUR
PAGE SPECIAL

HOW
TO MAKE A

RAT
LAUGH …and other little-known facts
about humour
BY TRAC EY M ID D LEKAUFF

YOU PROBABLY LAUGH – or at least chuckle – at something

you find amusing fairly often, but how much do you really
know about laughter and humour? RD questioned six experts
– a neuroscientist, two psychologists, a humour researcher, a
sociologist, and a laughter yoga teacher – to give us the low-
down on laughter. ➸
34 | April•2015
 ILLUSTRATI ONS: LUC M ELAN SON

November•2014
|
35
H O W T O M A K E A R AT L A U G H

Reader’s Digest: What’s the oldest hand, they’re terribly cute. On the
joke in the world? other, they’re just a handful of gen-
We can’t know the oldest joke in the erations from hunting you down on
world because it would have existed the African savannah. So, maybe they
prior to writing, as Christie Davies, do think about murdering us all day.
professor of sociology at the Uni- That, I contend, is funny.”
versity of Reading in the UK, points
out. The oldest joke book that’s been RD: Can animals laugh?
found so far, the Greek Philogelos As it turns out, there’s a quite a bit of
(“Laughter-Lover”) dates from the 4th funny business going on in the animal
century AD, although the jokes date kingdom. Not only do apes and dogs
from an earlier time. According to laugh, says Weems, but so do rats. And
psychologist Steve Wilson, director of what do rats find so funny? Tickling!

“Almost everyone is capable of

developing a sense of humour”
STEVE WILSON, psychologist

National Humor Month (April in the According to Weems, the best way to
US), it contains 265 jokes, including get a rat to laugh is to tickle it. “Just
this zinger: “‘A man goes to the barber. use your fingers to tickle the rat’s belly
The barber asks how he would like his like you might with a baby,” he says.
hair cut. The man replies, ‘Silently.’”
RD: Do babies have a sense of
RD: Why are “funny” cat videos so humour?
much more popular than, say, dog Weems believes they have a rich
videos? sense of humour, albeit different from
The answer to this question may an adult’s. “Take peek-a-boo as an
lie in what many people perceive as example. Babies love it. That’s because
the inherent dark side in their feline there’s an age when seeing something
friends. “There was one meme where disappear is a little frightening. That
a kitten looked into a camera, with the jolt is followed by relief when we fig-
caption saying that it’s thinking about ure out that things remain there even
killing you,” recalls Scott Weems, cog- if we don’t see them. That surprise
nitive neuroscientist and author. “It and relief, to a baby at least, is a lot
comes down to conflict; we’re not like a great stand-up routine for an
sure what to make of cats. On one adult. In that way, humour says a lot

36 | April•2015
 READER’S DIGEST

about the complexity of our thinking.”

And according to Rod Martin, profes-
sor of psychology at the Western Uni-
versity in Ontario, Canada, that sense
of humour starts developing as early
as five months, right about when we
begin to laugh.

RD: Do some children fail to develop

a sense of humour to carry into
adulthood?
Martin believes that while technically
everyone is born without a sense of
humour, as we develop cognitively
and socially, humour and laughter
begin to emerge spontaneously. “Of
course, some children (like adults) “Others are more quiet and intro-
tend to be more serious, quiet, and spective, but still find a lot of amuse-
less likely to laugh frequently, but this ment at the absurdities of daily life.
doesn’t mean they don’t have an ap- Others use humour in aggressive
preciation for humour.” ways, such as teasing, sarcasm, ra-
And according to Wilson, there’s cial and sexist jokes, etc. For these
no such thing as an adult without a people, humour seems to be a way of
sense of humour. “Almost everyone making themselves feel better at the
is capable of developing a sense of expense of others.”
humour, and I teach people how,” he
says. “Different aspects of our senses RD: Is any type of humour truly
of humour come out depending on universal?
who we’re with. There’s a very strong Everyone the world over loves to laugh
social component to it.” at other people’s mistakes, according
to Davies. Everyone laughs at the indi-
RD: What are the different types of rect breaking of verbal rules; in other
senses of humour? words, we find it funny when taboos
Martin finds it useful to look at the are broken regarding what we are not
ways indiv iduals use humour in allowed to talk about in public. That
their daily lives and what function it said, as Davies points out, “What
serves for them. “Some people enjoy is forbidden differs a lot between
laughing and joking with others and societies.”
making others laugh,” he explains. However, Peter McGraw, author

April•2015 | 37
H O W T O M A K E A R AT L A U G H

and director of the Humor Research one’s physical health, “It is a useful
Lab at the University of Colorado part of a cognitive-behavioural strat-
Boulder in the US, thinks that slap- egy aimed at being cheerful rather
stick is a universal form of comedy, t ha n depressed, a nd, of cou rse,
because it doesn’t rely on language to psychological states do inf luence
get its point across. “ All you need,” he physical health.”
says, “is the right victim.” And Weems says that laughter is the
best medicine, just so long as “it’s com-
RD: Do people tend to share a sense bined with a good dose of penicillin.”
of humour unique to their own He adds, “Laughter has been shown to
national identity? improve heart health, immune system
Sense of humour does tend to vary a response, and even pain tolerance.
lot by country, according to Weems. This shouldn’t be surprising, since we

“People should treat themselves

to laughter every day”
NIRA BERRY, laughter yoga teacher

It’s even been measured scientifically: already know that stress and anxiety
British humour tends to be absurd in have terrible effects on the body. So
nature, while American humour has why shouldn’t humour do the oppo-
an assertive or aggressive quality. One site? I think humour is best seen as a
study, Weems says, “had people from protective mechanism, something to
all over the world rate the quality of keep our minds focused on positive
jokes and found that Germans tend to things and our bodies free of stress.”
find everything funny.”
RD: How can humour help us cope
RD: Can laughter improve your with adversity?
physical and emotional wellbeing – Anything that can distract us from
in other words, is it really the best our cares and concerns, no mat-
medicine? ter how briefly, could be beneficial.
While laughter is no substitute for Wilson calls humour a “shock ab-
actual medical treatment, many ex- sorber”. He believes it can provide us
perts believe that it can have a posi- with a much-needed sense of balance
tive impact on one’s overall health and perspective when the going gets
and well-being. Davies contends that tough. “There is real value in comic
while laughter has no direct effect on relief,” he says. “A sense of humour is a

38 | April•2015
 READER’S DIGEST

perspective, a way of looking at things. RD: What is laughter yoga?

Humour can make the unbearable a Nira Berry is a laughter yoga teacher,
little more bearable.” health and happiness coach, and
CEO of LaughingRx. Calling it “yoga”
RD: What are the funniest jokes is a bit of a misnomer, she says, in
from religious texts, if they exist? that the classes and workshops don’t
If you’re looking for gut-busting actually revolve around yoga poses.
laughs, you’re probably better off Instead, “what we’re doing is laugh-
watching a comedy film than cracking ter, deep breathing, movement, and
open a religious tome. “There is some being silly. We’ll role play silly moves
humour in religious texts, in particular with each other; for example, we’ll
puns and irony,” Martin says. “How- shake hands in a funny way and
ever, they’re usually not very funny. just laugh, or pretend we’re driving
The attitude underlying religious ex- a car and laughing … We’re laugh-
perience tends to be quite different ing with each other, letting go, and
from that underlying humour. Hu- being silly.” And she says her work-
mour has a diminishing effect, poking shops are of tremendous emotional
fun at pomposity and excessive seri- benefit to the participants. “After the
ousness, and bringing things down to workshops people tell me they feel
earth. Religion has the opposite effect uplifted, energised, joyful, and happy
of elevation, making things that are – it’s an incredible experience.”
trivial and mundane seem important Humans need to let go and have a
and sacred.” bit of fun every day, Berry believes, or
they’ll burn out. Even if you can’t
RD: Is laughter contagious? attend a laughter workshop, Berry
“There have been dozens of studies maintains that “People should treat
that have shown that simply having themselves to laughter every day. Life
people laugh near you is enough to can be stressful, and laughter is the
make you laugh too,” says Weems. perfect exercise to reduce stress.”

DIETARY DIATRIBES

When food comes back to bite you ...

The worst: I just spent $30 on apples at Whole Foods and then
dropped both of them! @MEGANAMRAM

How to cook the perfect amount of pasta: 1. Pour out how much
you think you need. 2. Wrong. @MITTENDAMOUR

April•2015 | 39
 HUMOUR
SPECIAL

D EAR
TEACHER,
Priceless excuses written by
parents to their child’s teacher
BY PATRICE ROMAIN
FROM MOTS D’EXCUSE, L’INTÉGRALE

O
I LLUSTRATION : M ARISA MOREA

ver 30 years, Patrice Romain, French edu-

cator, 54, collected these gems – funny,
moving and full of good or bad faith, writ-
ten by parents to their child’s teacher. As
well as being amusing, these anecdotes are also re-
vealing about the eternal misunderstandings between
parents and teachers. Here is a pick of the best.

40 | April•2015
November•2014 | 41
DEAR TEACHER

Lazy Bones shouting, barking, crying, wiping

I’m not going to tell you some cock- the floor and so arriving late.
and-bull story. Didier didn’t come With our sincere apologies.
to school yesterday because he had
an acute attack of lazyitis. It’s an Ill Wind
But for once I’m not going to Sorry that Brandon was late – he
judge him, and I hope you won’t told me the wind was against him
either. as he walked to school.
Thank you.
Philosophical Attitude
I know my daughter wasn’t at school Can You Keep a Secret?
yesterday. But when you come to I, Pierre Durand, hereby declare that
think of it, what is six hours in a I brought my daughter Lucile late to
lifetime? Aren’t there more serious school today, Monday, 18th January.
problems in the world? But above all don’t tell my ex-wife
or she’ll do me in.
Genius in the Making
Please don’t be too hard on my son It All Adds Up
for his bad grades. Wasn’t Einstein Sorry my daughter was away
himself a lousy pupil? No-one knows yesterday because there was a
what the future has in store for him. maths test and it’s true that she has
Thank you for your a tummy ache when there’s a maths
understanding. test.

Soulmates Sloped Off

Thank you for everything you do Please excuse Théo’s absence last
for my daughter, because since my week. But if you knew the price of
wife left I find it hard to take care going skiing outside of the school
of the house. I’d like to express my holidays, and if you could do it,
gratitude by taking you out to a you would.
restaurant one evening. What do Thank you for your
you think of this idea? understanding.

In a Nutshell Unlucky Stars

I’ll sum up our morning for you: Can you please look out for my
bowl of hot chocolate knocked daughter today because I heard
over, panic, aquarium overturned, her horoscope this morning and it
goldfish unable to breathe, doesn’t bode well.
 READER’S DIGEST

Attached to Individual Liberties for him if he found another victim.

My son won’t be there tomorrow. Thanking you in advance.
Don’t ask why, it’s none of your
business. A Fault Confessed Is Half
Redressed
Ouch! I’m letting you know that my son
Boris didn’t come to school on hasn’t done his maths homework.
Tuesday because he tripped on the But as he doesn’t want to study
cat’s tail, fell over and got scratched. science later on it doesn’t matter,
So we had to go to the vet’s and to does it?
the doctor’s.
But it was nothing serious and Prevention is Better Than Cure
they’re friends again. I’m keeping Alice at home because
I’ve heard there’s flu in your school.
Mission Impossible? Good luck in not catching it.
Given all that we’ve had to put up
with over the past few years, this Classroom Gossip
September would it be possible I’m not being nosy but is it true
to have a teacher for our daughter what people are saying about Class
who is pleasant, serious and 4’s teacher getting divorced?
punctual, and is neither a trainee, Thank you and please excuse my
nor pregnant, nor in poor health, curiosity, which is well-meaning
nor a trade union activist? I assure you.
I hope that you will give
favourable consideration to this Fashion Victim
request. Karine wasn’t at school on Tuesday
because of the sales – she had to
A Word of Warning try on her new clothes. I know you
The next time that a certain Pierre understand. Thank you and have a
Durant makes fun of our family nice day.
being overweight, and especially my P.S. I don’t regret my purchases!
daughter Laëticia, I will come to the
school in person and prove to him Silence Is Golden
that it’s not fat we’re carrying. I’m sorry that Léo is late – it was me
I’m relying on you to scold who told him not to set his alarm
this individual and make him because it wakes us up.
understand that it would be better Thank you and have a nice day.
MOTS D’EXCUSE, L’INTÉGRALE © 2014 BY PATRICE ROMAIN, PUBLISHED BY MICHEL LAFON
 HUMOUR
SPECIAL
To develop a
sitcom, dream up a
bunch of lovable

write
Will psychotics who all
live together

For
Laughs
BY P E TER M E H LM AN

BEFORE INSTRUCTING you on how to create the next

ratings-busting, pop-culture-cracking, bazillions-earning
sitcom, I offer this cautionary tale.
In 1992, when Seinfeld struggled for Wednesday-night
ratings, “The Virgin” episode featured a plotline in which
George Costanza inadvertently caused his girlfriend, Susan,
I L L U S T R AT I O N S : ( M E H L M A N ) J O E M C K E N D R Y;
to lose her job. NBC TV executives took offence, calling
PETER George callous and unlikeable. The writing staff tinkered,
MEHLMAN making George more regretful and less unlikeable.
is the Seinfeld A mere four years later, when Seinfeld was a hit on Thurs-
writer who
days, an episode called “The Invitations” featured a plotline
introduced
us to “yada, in which George inadvertently caused Susan to … die.
yada”. He is The same executives had no objections.
The moral of the story: if you compromise in order to stay
STEVE WACKSMAN

the author
of  Mandela on the air, your show may survive long enough to become the
Was Late. sitcom of your dreams.
Producing a sitcom is a walk through a minefield. How to
navigate this minefield is a mystery roughly equal to man’s

44 | April•2015
rise to the top of the food chain. The and named something like All in the
good news is, through years of heady Modern Family Ties or Two and a Half
success and blistering failure, I can Mad Men. See? Right away, you’ve
(maybe) steer you towards a (slim) given the TV powers-that-be a familiar,
chance of sitcom glory. comfy-cosy feeling.
OK, let’s get to work. Forcing TV executives out of their
When conceiving your show, I comfort zone is risky. In 2004, I pro-
recommend borrowing (stealing) from posed a genre-bending show called
the past. TV executives won’t want you, The Ripples, about a couple who,
a sitcom novice, to reinvent the wheel through an ancient miracle, had been
– even though the sitcom wheel has married for 4000 years without ever
become square, rusted and divorced ageing. When I finished my spiel, the
from its axle. Your best bet is offering network executives looked at me as if
a sitcom reminiscent of previously I’d spoken out in favour of acid rain.
successful shows. Hence, I’d suggest a Now, once you have a wonderfully
sitcom set mainly in a suburban home derivative idea, try to boil it down to

April•2015 | 45
WILL WRITE FOR LAUGHS

one catchy sentence. Attention spans Example: in an episode of Seinfeld

in Hollywood run from half a minute called “The Bubble Boy”, there was a
to three seconds, so the faster you moment when the Bubble Boy’s father
hook people, the better. For instance: told the sad story of his ailing son to
“A handsome, prosperous black couple Jerry and Elaine in the coffee shop.
decide to adopt a white baby.” Tearful, Elaine passed out napkins.
See? In one sentence, you’ve pro- Jerry, in an ad-libbed gesture (!), used
posed a plausible, fish-out-of-water the napkin to mindlessly wipe crumbs
family sitcom with an innovative twist. from his mouth. It got a huge laugh
Hey! That’s pretty good. Back off! without anyone really focusing on
That’s mine! how insensitive Jerry was being. That
It bears mentioning that when Sein- moment is what opened the door to
feld co-creator Larry David and Jerry years of Jerry becoming more cold-
Seinfeld met NBC executives, they did hearted and a lot funnier.
not pitch a show “about nothing”. Their Lesson learned: laughter is such a
single sentence was more like: “A show strong spice, it’s hard to taste anything
about the everyday life experiences else. If you write something funny
that give a comedian his material.” enough, you can get away with murder.
When Larry added, “But there aren’t Now, I mentioned making your
any real stories,” Jerry just laughed and characters lovable. There are varieties
flicked an elbow into his rib cage. of lovability. Among your male
So don’t be fooled: your sitcom must characters, you should have one intel-
be about something. And to convey ligent, moralistic, insecure, tortured,
that something, you must make your neurotic hypochondriac. Viewers like
characters likeable. Or, failing that, that character type because they love
make them lovable. feeling superior to someone on TV. To
OK, granted: while flawed but balance that guy, add an uninhibited,
nice neurotics make decent sitcom shameless, lustful clown – someone
characters, self-absorbed, vindic- who blurts out what everyone else is
tive psychotics make for great sitcom too scared to say. (Prime example:
characters. Unfortunately, no-one will Kramer telling a girl she needs a nose
let you create a show around thought- job.) Then I would suggest a clini-
less misanthropes. It’s sad, I know, cally quirky but unthreatening female
but what can you do? Well, my sneaky character. In short: Zooey Deschanel.
suggestion is to make your lead char- Now that you have this group of
acters 90% wonderful but leave 10% of extreme personalities, the big trick is
them open-ended. This way, over time, making them lovable as a group. The
you can subtly add juicy/distasteful/ best way to do this is by adding one
funny aspects to their personalities. last character, someone attractive to

46 | April•2015
 READER’S DIGEST

both men and women. If you can get there were catchphrases that viewers
viewers to love one character, they will wound up saying in their own lives:
eventually fall for all the others. “Not that there’s anything wrong
The best example is how Jennifer with it.”
Aniston’s magnetic appeal to men and “Regifting.”
women elevated Friends into a mon- “Double-dipping.”
ster hit. I mean, really, don’t you think Larry has an acute ear for such
the other five characters, left to their phrases, as evidenced by the origin of
own devices, were pretty annoying? the now mainstream term shrinkage.
Julia Louis-Dreyfus brought a W hile writing the episode “The
similar (but brainier) Hamptons”, I had Jerry
appeal to Seinfeld with see George’s girlfriend
both her looks and her If you write topless. George gets so
comedic acting. upset, he demands to
Of course, finding a something see Jer r y ’s g irlf r iend
performer with Julia’s funny enough, tople s s . T hen L a r r y
appeal is difficult, but suggested a su r pr ise
don’t worry … casting you can get t w i s t w h e r e Je r r y ’s
comes much later. For away with girlfriend sees George
now, you need only to naked moments after
worry about your pilot
murder he’d been swimming in
episode. So when you a cold pool. I said, “Oh.
write it, just remember You mean George had
to describe at least one character with … shrinkage?”
words like gorgeous and/or the sexiest Larry said, “Yes, shrinkage. And use
two-legged mammal to ever walk the that word. Use it a lot.”
Earth. TV executives seem to like those And that, my friends, is how pop
adjectives – don’t ask me why. culture history is made.
Finally, I’d like to offer a tip that is a I know I said that was my last
personal favourite: think of your pilot suggestion for creating a successful
episode as a pop song with a great sitcom, but, actually, I have one more:
hook. Consider some of your favour- ignore all my tips, and write a show
ite Seinfeld episodes, and you’ll notice you would like to watch.

LAWS OF TRAVEL PHYSICS

It takes me 15 minutes to pack before a trip and over a year
to unpack when I get back. @SWOLLENVOICE

April•2015 | 47
 DUMB
CRIMINALS,
BOSSES
& POLITICIANS
Ever worried you might have done
something stupid? It’s probably
nothing compared to the efforts of
these inept burglars, bizarre bosses
and blundering politicians. Of course
we’re laughing at these guys!

ILLUSTRATIONS: SERGE BLOCH

48 | April•2015 PHOTOS: RALPH SMITH

HUMOUR
SPECIAL

April•2015 | 49
DUMB CRIMINALS, BOSSES AND POLITICIANS

What DUMBiCRIMINALS
Don’t Know…
Check Out the Scene First witness, and police were soon in hot

O ne w int r y nig ht in t he Aus-

trian market town of Steinach
am Brenner, a 20-year-old broke a
pursuit. When the burglars noticed
that they were being followed by a po-
lice patrol, they threw the stolen goods
shop window to get at a display of out of the car window. At the same
cigarettes and made off with several time they floored the accelerator, lost
cartons. W hen police arrived the control of the car and ended up in the
thief was gone, but his footprints in village pond. They were rescued by the
the snow led the officers straight to police. And then arrested.
his apartment. One way or another,
it turned out to be a bad gig for the Plan a Good Exit
criminal. The cigarette cartons he
stole had been for display only. They
were empty.
I n the early hours of November 20,
2013, Richard Wilson of Howden,
UK, heard moaning coming from the
bathroom. He opened the door and

N otorious burglar Raymond Bet-

son, 52, was sentenced to 13
years in prison after a botched raid in
saw a man who’d become stuck, head
down, while wriggling in through the
window. His head rested on the toi-
the English village of Swanley, Kent. let, while his leg remained jammed
Betson had led his gang of six in what under the window sash. Would-be
promised to be a multimillion dollar thief Daniel Severn, 27, had tried to
heist, using a stolen heavy-duty digger. phone for help but had dropped his
But he smashed into the wrong wall of mobile phone in the bath. Wilson took
a cash depot and he and his crew burst a photo of the hapless young man
into... an empty room. and his wife called the police. Severn
was sentenced to two years and four

T wo burglars broke into a house

in Mar w itz near Berlin, Ger-
months in jail.

many, and stole jewellery, cigarettes

and cash, and made a clean getaway
in their car – or so they thought.
A 20-year-old from Ostrava, Czech
Republic, had spent the evening
drinking with friends in their local
However, they had been spotted by a park. When he decided to go home,

50 | April•2015
 READER’S DIGEST

he didn’t have money for the train with each one-tonne plate he added,
ticket, but he did have an idea. He his truck sank further into the muddy
would steal some cash from a fast ground. He tried for hours to shift it.
food restaurant, now closed for the When construction workers arrived
night, next to the station. Seeking a in the morning, he gave up: “You may
way in, he climbed onto the roof. All as well call the police. I’m stuck here.”
was going well until he slipped and If only he’d thought of unloading
got stuck between the exterior walls the plates from his truck.
of the station house and restaurant.
And there he stayed until 5am when Don’t Leave Any
a station worker heard his desperate Trace Behind
knocking. The fire department freed
the young man, and then the police
charged him with attempted theft.
P olice identified an admitted jewel
thief in Paris, and all because he
made the mistake of planting a kiss on
his hostage. The 20-year-old French-

A 48-year-old Dutchman passed

a construction site one night in
Vleuten near Utrecht and noticed a
man, identified only as “Pierre G”, and
an accomplice allegedly followed a
56-year-old jewellery store employee
pile of steel plates. He decided that he home, where they tied her to a chair
could use some, and started loading and threatened to set fire to her if
the plates with his truck’s crane. But she didn’t give them the store’s alarm

April•2015 | 51
DUMB CRIMINALS, BOSSES AND POLITICIANS

codes. The woman talked and Pierre’s for driv ing under t he inf luence.
accomplice went off to steal the jewels Fortunately they didn’t have to walk
while he stayed with the hostage. He far to the interrogation room.
untied her four hours later – and gave
her a parting kiss on the cheek to “ease
her trauma”. The woman called the
police immediately and they swabbed
T wo men in the Russian city of
Dimitrovgrad decided to steal
computers and other equipment
her cheek for DNA. A few months later from an office. The masked crimi-
they got a match and the suspect, who nals tied up the night guard and
by this time was already in jail for began packing the computers. One
another crime, confessed. of them decided it was too dark and
turned a light on… except it wasn’t

T hief Billy Joe Donnelly, 22, was

peckish as he set out to burgle
a house in the English village of
a light switch he pressed, but the
alarm button. Three minutes later the
police arrived and caught the robbers
Preston, so he raided a greenhouse red-handed.
down a country lane and took a
bite out of a cucumber, leaving the
remains. He then ransacked the
house nearby, stealing treasured
C hristchurch police posted a
mug shot of Sam Lake, 23, to
their Facebook page, asking for the
possessions and then escaped in public’s help tracking him down. The
the owners’ car. Unfortunately for brazen New Zealander was wanted
the hungry Donnelly, the partially- for breaching his home detention.
eaten cucumber was discovered – “I need to get a new mug shot,”
with his DNA on it. He was jailed for Lake posted back. His wisecrack was
two and a half years. liked more than 3000 times.
“Come see us and will arrange at
Always on the Lookout no cost,” the cops fired back. This

P olice in the Norwegian village

of Mjøndalen near Oslo were
served two offenders on a silver plat-
reply was liked nearly 6000 times.
“If only they were as good at find-
ing me as they were with comebacks,”
ter last spring. A couple who were Lake quipped in return.
high on drugs decided to have a nap The police had the last laugh. They
and parked their car next to a build- caught up with Lake and he was
ing with a huge sign reading “Police”. resentenced to six months in prison.
They were rudely awoken when the
long arm of the law knocked on the
window. The dopey pair was arrested
for possession and use of drugs and
T wo young men and a woman
from Radom, Poland, decided
to get rich by making counterfeit

52 | April•2015
 READER’S DIGEST

50-zloty banknotes on their home

printer. They soon realised, however,
that their fakes were useless and they
T hirty-nine-year-old Paweł C. from
Lodz, Poland, specialised in steal-
ing bikes and tools from lock-ups in
had to get rid of them. They went to the city’s older districts. His needs
a nearby forest to burn them, but did were small, but he did allow himself a
not take into account that smoke from mobile phone. Last year he was steal-
a fire in a forest on a rainy day might ing from a cellar when his wallet fell
just draw someone’s attention – in out of his pocket. Discovering the next
this case, police who were cruising day that it was missing, he became
in the area. When the police arrived worried; he had no idea where he had
the damp wads were burning with lost it. No documents meant trouble
difficulty and the woman still had 50 if, for instance, the police decided to
sheets of counterfeits stuffed down stop him. So he called them, reported
her blouse. The three young people his loss and gave his phone number.
had not only failed to get rich, but In fact the police had already found
were also very embarrassed. In fact, the wallet at the crime scene. They
authorities found their attempt at for- called his mobile and invited him to
gery so foolish that the public prose- pick up the documents. He was soon
cutor withdrew charges against them. at the station – in trouble again.

What DUMB BOSSES

Should Know …
The Devil’s in the Details
I t’s been a rough few years
for Chilean supervi-
sors. The head of the na-
tional mint lost his job
after the country’s new
50-peso coin was re-
leased. Instead of
“República de Chile”,
it read “República
de Chiie”. Bonus

April•2015 | 53
DUMB CRIMINALS, BOSSES AND POLITICIANS

stupidity: it took about a year for the

mistake to be discovered. Meanwhile,
in the city of Valdivia, the nation’s first
B oss to underling: “When I told you
that you smelled like bacon grease,
it was a compliment!” overheardintheoffice.com
drawbridge was unveiled. Sadly, it will
have to be reconstructed, since at least
one deck was accidentally built upside
down. dailymail.co.uk
W hen I informed my boss that I
had 2000 overtime hours and
that I needed the money, he told me:
“Sell your house and you will have

I n June 2014, 15,000 staff members

at Delhaize Belgium, a large Euro-
enough money.” www.spiegel.de

pean food retailer, received a letter

from newly appointed CEO, Denis
Knoops. He announced that the com-
A fter I had quietly solved a crisis,
my boss exclaimed: “Stop being
all calm! You’re doing that thing again
pany was undergoing restructuring where you get all calm on me. Do you
and that there would likely be some understand why I’m upset? I want you
redundancies. Concerned for his em- to be upset too.” thehairpin.com

ployee’s mental welfare, he offerred

them a telephone number for psy-
chological counselling. However, the
number was written incorrectly and
B oss on looking at a photo of me:
“Wow! What a great picture! You
know how some people look so good
instead of connecting to an advice in person but come out looking just
line, it put unsuspecting callers awful in pictures? With you, it’s just
through to a firm of bailiffs special- the opposite.” thehairpin.com

ising in debt recovery. The company

later apologised for the mistake. Employees are Just Grateful
to Have Jobs, Right?
If You Don’t Have
Something Nice to Say… “Y esterday I was fired from my
work because as my boss told

I was eight months pregnant when

I went to visit a former colleague in
the office I had been working at until
me I didn’t work with enough enthusi-
asm. I worked as a dishwasher.”
www.ascodevida.com

recently. I was astonished when I met

my former boss and he commented
how I had put on heaps of weight.
“That’s normal”, I replied. “But you
A fast-food worker in the US
reported this conversation with
his boss:
gained a lot. How come?” he asked. I Manager: Can you stay another
couldn’t help laughing and said: “I am four hours? Your co-worker has drunk
pregnant”. “Oh,” he said in embarrass- some wine and can’t come in.
ment, and left. www.eltern.de Me: Isn’t it her wedding day today?

54 | April•2015
 READER’S DIGEST

Manager: Yes. That’s why she’s been Manager: Yes.

drinking. Me: And you didn’t think that would
Me: And you scheduled her to work be a problem?
today? Manager: No. notalwaysworking.com

What DUMB POLITICIANS

Don’t Realise…
It’s Going to Become Public the only words he uttered in his

I f one lawmaker in the Russian par-

liament’s lower house, the Duma,
defence.

has his way, legislation will be in-

troduced to standardise footwear.
The reason? High heels and bal-
I n 2 0 0 8 No r w e g i a n L a -
bour Party politician Saera
Khan resigned after spending
let flats are bad for women’s excessive amounts on work
health. It’s the initiative of Oleg phone calls and lying about the
Mikheev of the political party, reason. When the high phone
Fair Russia. bills became public, Khan
eventually confessed: she

T homas Thévenoud,
a member of the
French parliament from
had called pay-by-the-min-
ute fortune tellers, asking for
personal and political advice.
2008, didn’t last long as
the Minister of State for
Foreign Trade. Appointed
on August 26, 2014, he was
A Liberal Democratic Party
member of the Russian
Duma, Mik hail Degt yarev,
dismissed nine days later suggested that the Kremlin’s
after it was discovered iconic red walls be painted
he had what was euphe- white, to “Symbolise the pri-
mistically described as ority of high morale in our
“problems of conform- citizens’ and leaders’ every-
ity” with his taxes. “I day life in opposition to the
suffer from an admin- mor a l de c a de nc e i n t he
istration phobia” were West.” Excuse me?

April•2015 | 55
 Ghost
ENVIRONMENT

Fish

EVERY DAY HUNDREDS of discarded metres to 6km; their plastic fibres

fishing nets drift through Pacific indiscriminately trapping any marine
waters, twisting and turning with the life that gets in the way. These lethal
currents. They stretch from several damaged or abandoned “ghost nets”

56 | April•2015
Across northern Australia, a marine
blight is being transformed into
bright indigenous art
BY SALLY M c M ULLEN
P H OTO GRAP H E D BY ARUNAS

Diamond Scale
Mullet by Lynnette
Griffiths started out
as debris from
commercial fishing

April•2015 | 57
 Lynnette
Griffiths’s Giant
Trevally is made
from discarded
crab pots, rope,
wire and twine

Georgia Curry’s
Mother in Law
Fish (above)

58 | April•2015
Artist Sue Ryan (above left) helps others turn washed-up rubbish into objects of beauty

can, it’s estimated, take up to 600 years the nets and free entangled creatures.
to decay. Many eventually wash up on Today indigenous rangers from 40 dif-
the beaches of northern Australia. ferent clan groups regularly scour
Twelve years ago, former prawn 3000km of isolated coastline rescuing
trawler skipper Riki Gunn set about endangered turtles, dugongs and other
establishing a marine conservation marine life for GhostNets Australia.
group to patrol the beaches, pick up Within months of the rangers first
beginning their work, piles of netting
built up. With the help of Queensland
artist Sue Ryan, who had been working
with indigenous artists around Lock-
hart River, Gunn set out to find solu-
Marion Gaemers’s tions to help dispose of them. Ideas
male (below) and poured in through a national compe-
female (far left) tition – to turn the plastic fibres into
Siamese Fighting everything from guitar straps to bags
Fish
and art installations – and soon Ryan
was organising craft workshops with
the Ghost Net Art Project.
Ryan couldn’t help but marvel at the
variety of colours, weaves and thick-
nesses of the fibres. “I was really excited
because it was completely different
from anything I’d ever worked with,”
she says. “It was also a great way of
raising awareness about the ghost nets.”
Today Ryan works with commu-
nities from the Northern Territory,
around the Gulf of Carpentaria and

April•2015 | 59
 Zoe and Stan by
Zoe de Jersey

The nets drift in on

monsoonal and
Erub Island’s Florence Gutchen works on trade wind
large ghost-net sculptures currents and
through the Torres Strait Islands to turn tides from
these floating walls of deadly mesh – across the
and other washed-up materials such region
as flip-flops, plastic garbage and glass
– into useful and beautiful things.
Employing both modern and tra-
ditional techniques, artists weave,
felt, coil and sew everything from
baskets, dolls and scu lpt ures to
hats and jewellery. Large and small
sculptures of colourful fish or bar-
nacle-encrusted whales are proving
particularly powerful in alerting the
public to the dangers of ghost nets.
“It’s magical really,” says Ryan, “to
see people coming together to make
art out of an environmental hazard.”
Then she pauses and adds: “It’s the
one project where you want the
medium to run out.”

60 | April•2015
 Ghost fish range
from centimetres to
several metres

Buni Buni
(left) is by
Nancy Kiwat

GhostNets Australia
patrols have found
and rescued over
300 trapped
turtles

Georgina
Allain’s ghost-
net sculpture

April•2015 | 61
 Laughter
THE BEST MEDICINE

SMELLS LIKE LOVE

A young couple are on the first night of their honeymoon.
But the new husband isn’t sure how to tell his bride
about his stinky feet and smelly socks. In the meantime,
she is wondering how to break the news to him about
her awful breath, which so far she’s been able to cover
up. After some soul-searching, the husband gathers his
nerve and says, “I have a confession.”
The new wife draws closer, looks into his eyes and says,
“Darling, so do I.”
Recoiling, he says, “Don’t tell me – you’ve eaten my socks.”
SUBMITTED BY JUSTIN EZZI

CLASSIFIDO SPEEDY SNAIL

An old farmer is inconsolable after A cheetah is bragging one day about
his dog goes missing. His wife suggests being the fastest animal in the jungle,
he take out an ad in the newspaper, when a snail overhears him
which he does. But two weeks later and challenges him to
there’s still no sign of the mutt. a race. “Whoever
“What did you write in the ad?” his loses has to leave the
wife asks. jungle forever,” says
“Here, boy,” he replies. the snail, “but I get to
SUBMITTED BY DENISE STEWART pick where we race to.”
The cheetah grins and quickly
DADDY COOL agrees. “OK, snail,” he sneers.
I have mixed emotions when “Where do you want to race to?”
I receive Father’s Day gifts. “Home,” says the snail.
PHOTO: THI NKSTOCK

I’m glad my children SUBMITTED BY LEVI DEARSON

remember me, but I’m
disappointed that they COURT OUT
actually think I dress that An investment banker decides
way. COMEDIAN MIKE DUGAN she needs in-house counsel, so

62 | April•2015
 CLASSIC
I just typed “18 beers” into ONE-LINERS
my calorie-counting app In honour of the
and it uninstalled itself. most foolish month
of the year – April –
@SUMMEROFBENNY ON TWITTER
here’s a look back at some
great comedic quotes and quips:

she interviews a young lawyer. The secret of life is honesty and

“Mr Peterson,” she says. “Would fair dealing. If you can fake that,
you say you’re honest?” you’ve got it made. GROUCHO MARX
“Honest?” replies Peterson. “Let me I am not afraid of death, I just
tell you something about honesty. don’t want to be there when it
My parents lent me $85,000 for my happens. WOODY ALLEN
education, and I paid back every cent I haven’t spoken to my wife in
the minute I tried my first case.” years. I didn’t want to interrupt
“Impressive. What was the case?” her. RODNEY DANGERFIELD
“Mum and Dad sued me for the
“I am” is reportedly the shortest
money.” SUBMITTED BY DEE HUDSON
sentence in the English language.
Could it be that “I do” is the
I phoned the local gym and longest sentence? GEORGE CARLIN
asked if they could teach
me how to do the splits. When I eventually met Mr Right
He said, “How I had no idea that his first name
was Always. RITA RUDNER
flexible are you?”
I said, “I can’t do Never pick a fight with an ugly
Tuesdays.” person. They’ve got nothing to
COMEDIAN TIM VINE lose. ROBIN WILLIAMS

Men don’t care what’s on TV.

LIKE ATTRACTS DISLIKE They only care what else is on TV.
“Why doesn’t your mother like me?” JERRY SEINFELD
a woman asks her boyfriend.
“Don’t take it personally,”
he assures her. “She’s never liked Our boss just banned overly
anyone I’ve dated. I once dated specific nicknames and the
someone exactly like her, and that whole office is staring at
didn’t work out at all.”
“What happened?”
Rat Snitch Brian The Good
“My father couldn’t stand her.” Time Ruiner.
SUBMITTED BY JAMES RICHEN @CEEJOYNER ON TWITTER

April•2015 | 63
64 | April•2015
 IT’S NEVER TOO LATE

Volunteering his expertise to help isolated students

led a delighted John Smyth into the lion’s den

HOW I RAN
AWAY WITH
THE CIRCUS BY H AZEL FLYN N

AS A KID IN THE BUSH, John Smyth didn’t have much chance to see the
circus in person, but he had a treasured picture book about life under
the Big Top. More than 60 years later, Smyth got to become part of the
Stardust Circus world, not as a tumbler or lion tamer – but as a teacher.
Back in 1999, the career high-school teacher decided it was time to retire
and, together with his wife Helen, embark on an epic journey around
Australia. They covered 33,000km in six months. When they returned,
Smyth found he missed the classroom, so came out of retirement to spend
another eight years doing casual teaching – but, eventually, his wanderlust
returned and he and Helen headed back on the road.
P HOTO: ARUN AS

Today, the 75-year-old physics and mathematics teacher slots in time

with his grandkids around a packed diary as a volunteer teacher to
school students who live in remote locations, under a scheme known as
Volunteers for Isolated Students’ Education (VISE).

April•2015 | 65
I T ’ S N E V E R T O O L AT E

VISE pairs up energetic people was immediately intrigued when he

with educational experience – usually heard about the scheme. Helen was
retired teachers, such as John – with just as keen. “We love the bush,” he
children whose schooling is largely says. While the teacher’s partner isn’t
done remotely, because they live required to contribute, they often help
too far away from towns and cities around the home, in the garden or
to attend regular school. With their around the property. Since volunteers
classes conducted via satellite hook- typically stay for the full six weeks, it’s
ups, Skype or whatever other methods important for couples to agree on the
are available, the children have virtual locations they apply for.
contact with a paid teacher for several “We’d decided we wouldn’t take
hours a day. The rest of the time they a placement where we lived in the
are given assignments to complete. house with the family,” John says.
VISE volunteers go and stay with “We opted for ones where we could
these remote families for six weeks at take our own caravan or we’d have a
a time to provide encouragement and ‘donga’ hut or a cottage, so that we had
practical help to the students. somewhere we could get away.”
John grew up in the country and After eight VISE postings, and
encountering some chal-
lenging families and
Smyth with some of students, John is still keen
his talented students to do more. “Occasionally
I have had to take a stand
and say, ‘If you want my
help, here I am, otherwise
I’ll pack up and go home
– I’m too busy to be sit-
ting around here if we’re
not going to work.’ But it’s
always turned out really
well.” He remains in fond
contact with a number of
his former students.
He’s racked up stints in
some of Australia’s most
P HOTO: ARUN AS

remote locations, including

a 38,000-ha sheep property
where they had to meet the
mail plane to get school

66 | April•2015
 READER’S DIGEST

materials, and an 80,000-ha National

Park that was 500km from the nearest IF YOU’RE TEMPTED
supermarket. Then John nabbed one
of the most sought-after placements National Seniors Australia chief
in the scheme: a travelling post with executive Michael O’Neill says
John’s approach is increasingly
Stardust Circus. “It was just won-
common. “We’re seeing more
derful,” he says of the weeks he and
and more people moving from
Helen spent on the road last year, full-time work into other
working with the children in a spe- areas of activity that are
cially equipped mobile schoolroom. not traditionally associated
The lesson timetable was built with retirement or the later
arou nd the kids’ p e r for mance years of life.”
schedules. “The eight-year-old I In fact, he says, ‘retirement’ is
“almost a dirty word now.
tutored was a fabulous gymnast who
People want to enter into new
was part of the teeterboard act,” he
experiences, using previous life
explains. “A big bloke would jump knowledge, rather than sitting
on the other side, he would swing up back and ‘retiring’ as we came
in the air, do a couple of twirls and to know it in previous
land on his uncle’s shoulders ... and generations.”
his uncle was standing on the boy’s As in John’s case, many are
father’s shoulders!” keen to continue giving back
to society, but O’Neill says the
The circus still includes some
way we do this has also
animal acts, including lions, monkeys,
changed.
horses, goats and pigs. John and Helen “Many will now say, ‘I’m happy
found it extraordinary enough to drift to volunteer and give my time
off to sleep to the sound of lions roar- for this particular cause, but let
ing, but then one day the lion-tamer, me be clear: I want to
Matt, accorded them a very special contribute my knowledge and
privilege, inviting them in to meet four skills to your organisation.
Don’t think I’m going to be
13-month-old cubs in person.
down the back making cups
While it was understandably a little
of tea.’ ”
s ca r y at f i rst g o i ng i nt o t h e i r
enclosure, John says it was “an abso-
lutely fantastic, never to be forgotten
It’s never too late... to transform
experience” which just goes to show your life. Have you or someone you
it really is never too late: “In my 75th know completely changed their
year I finally got to realise my direction? We’d love to hear about
boyhood dream of running away with them. Details on how to contact
the circus!” us are on page 6.

April•2015 | 67
LIVING
L I V I N G LLANGUAGE
ANGUAGE

Reader’s Digest chief subeditor Donyale Harrison

How
shares more tips for getting the letters in the right order

To
Spell (part 2)

T
HERE ARE GOOD REASONS for wanting to spell well. It means
you’ll never write a love letter where you talk about bathing in
your beloved’s barmy embrace for a start. But it’s harder than
ever to get things right in this age of near-instant communications
where electronic tools that are meant to help us can sometimes
actively hinder us – I can’t be the only one whose phone has
autocorrected “I’d love bolognese for dinner” to “I’d love baloney”.

68 | April•2015
READER’S DIGEST
LIVING LANGUAGE

Most of us have at least a few words write out whole sentences: “I bought a
we just never got right from the start. lamp in the bazaar.” “It was a bizarre
But there are some simple tricks to experience.” You may feel silly, but
help you improve things. Test these you’ll remember it.
out and let us know how you go.
End it Well
Pen and Paper Word endings are a common source
Research has repeatedly found of problems. Most words ending in -ic
strong links between handwriting also have a form that ends in -ally, so
and improvements in spelling and it’s logically, statistically and radically.
reading – even for dyslexic students. But then there’s publicly. My tip: just
How many times have you looked remember that publicly has the same
suspiciously at a word on a screen ending as privately.
then written it out on paper and “felt” There’s almost a rule for -able and
which was the right version? -ible. Whole words usually end in
Those of us who grew up writing able (likeable, collectable, foreseeable)
more than typing are lucky. We have while partial words end in ible (audi-
a backup memory of how a word is ble, incredible, permissible). But then
formed with our hands – where there you get accessible, and collectible is
should be an extra loop or where the also acceptable, so it’s not a firm rule.
“up” bit is. That still works when we’re Even common endings like -ed and
too tired to remember the order of the -ing can be confusing. There are a lot
letters with our heads. of great sites on the internet that will
That boring task of having to copy help you get them straight. If noth-
out the words you got wrong in a school ing else, remember that it’s dyeing for
test really does work. I use it for editing changing colour and dying for ceasing
on the Digest: whenever a new word to live, because that E is the difference
or name, such as mahoosive (sorry, not between hairdressing and tragedy.
joking, it’s on OxfordDictionaries.com)
or Joko Widodo comes along, I write it US or Them?
out ten times, or more if it’s really hard. Sometimes, we get it wrong even when
(Schwarzenegger took a page). we get it right. Most of us have at some
It means that I then have three ways point written the wrong hear or here,
of nailing it: I had to check the spelling even though we know the difference.
in the first place; I have the physical There’s a whole lot of clever research
memory of how the word is formed; to show why this mistake is easy to
and I have the memory of sitting there make and very hard to spot, so don’t
thinking, This is STILL boring. worry if you do it now and then.
For words that you regularly confuse, But if you have real problems with

70 | April•2015
 READER’S DIGEST

knowing which one to use, look for your work aren’t going to be confused
little rhymes or patterns that will help by valor or analyze. They’ll just think
you: you hear with your ear, you go you’ve been an avid traveller in your
from here to there. Once again, the youth! Though if you start saying
internet is full of sites for spelling bees acclimate or aluminum, it will be
and teachers that have great tips you stretching our friendship.
can use. As always with
And then there’s the writing English, the
difference between most vital thing is
color and colour, jew- That boring task communicating your
elr y and jeweller y. message clearly.
American spelling has
of having to copy T h e r e ’s n o m o r a l
spread across large out the words you strength to being a
sections of the world, got wrong in a good speller, any more
while British spelling school test really than to being good at
still holds great ter- maths or tennis, so
ritories, and it’s ever
does work don’t beat yourself up
so easy to get caught if you just can’t get it.
between the two. It’s really not you, it’s
I’m going out on a personal limb the language and its extraordinary
here to say most of the time, it doesn’t complications. No less a mind than
matter. Albert Einstein declared, “I cannot
If you’re writing an essay for school, write in English, because of the
an advert for your company, or are the treacherous spelling.”
copy editor of a magazine, then yes, If you really struggle, get someone
you should pick one and stick to it. else to look over your work.
But for everyone else, people reading Or just use the phone.

HONEST SALES TECHNIQUES

For sale: one pair hardly worn dentures, only two teeth missing.
Never damaged by exposure to harsh chemical such as denture
cleaners. $100 O.N.O.

Outdoor nativity scene for sale. No Mary, Joseph or Jesus. $100.

Pony for sale. Looks like small horse. $900.

AS SEEN ON THE INTERNET

April•2015 | 71
 Life’s Like That
SEEING THE FUNNY SIDE

From the Archives

What was the value of love 57 years ago?
Thanks to this reader’s letter from April
1958, we have at least some idea…

Finding it necessary to take a later plane

home, a friend wrote a telegram to his wife
explaining the change in schedule, carefully
keeping within the 12-word limit. The
receiving clerk, a woman, looked it over and
asked him, “Are you married to this lady?”
Startled, he answered that he was.
“Then you’d better add ‘love’,” she
suggested. “It costs just threepence more and
it’s a lot of value for the money.”
SUBMITTED BY JAMES BLACKBURN

THE PENNY DROPS it from my husband’s hand,

We’d just finished tucking swallowed it, and
our kids into bed when demanded, “Do it again!”
three-year-old Billy began Source: gcfl.net

to wail. Turns out he’d

accidentally swallowed LONG-LEVITY
a coin and was sure he was I was looking at my daughter’s
going to die. English exercise book during a
Desperate to calm him, my parents’ evening recently. One lesson
husband palmed a coin he had had involved defining words, and
in his pocket and pretended to pull next to the word “dilate” she had
it from Billy’s ear. Billy was written “to live longer”.
delighted. In a flash, he snatched SUBMITTED BY SALI THOMAS

72 | April•2015
 LOL The Great Tweet-off:
Texting acronyms Kids’ Edition
can stump even
the best parents: A source of surprise, pain, comedy,
wisdom and everything in between,
this month we celebrate the joy
DAUGHTER: I got an A (mostly) of children.
in chemistry!
Sometimes, at night, after my son
MUM: WTF, well done!
has gone to bed, I go into my room
DAUGHTER: Mum, what and finish all my sentences.
do you think WTF means? PAULA POUNDSTONE @PAULAPOUNDSTONE
MUM: Well That’s
Experience the feeling of getting
Fantastic. kids ready for school by shouting
words like TEETH and SHOES into
MUM: What do IDK, LY &
an abyss whilst crying into a cup of
TTYL mean? tea. AMANDA @PANDAMOANIMUM
SON: I don’t know, love
Teach your kids to never give up and
you, talk to you later.
then see what happens when you
MUM: OK, I’ll ask your sister. take them to a toy store. Haha, you
Source: lifebuzz.com
lose again.
KALVIN MCLEOD @KALVINMCLEOD

Parenthood described in one word:

Exhaustirewardamnfrustratamazing.
SHANTILLY LACE @SHASHAINTL

AHH, MARRIAGE Today my ten-year-

I was standing in front of the old son said: “When
bathroom mirror one evening life gives you
admiring my reflection, when lemons, squeeze
I posed this question to my wife the lemons in
PHOTOS: GETTY IMAGES

of 30 years: “Will you still

life’s eyes, and
love me when I’m old, fat
and balding?” demand
She answered, “I do.” oranges.”
SUBMITTED BY STEVE CARELL
MICHAEL JORDAN @STEVECARELL

April•2015 | 73
BEHIND THE NEWS

3
Life is improving for most people on
this planet: and if we can challenge our
assumptions things will improve even more

Myths About
the World’s
Poor
BY B I LL AND M E LINDA GATE S

BY ALMOST ANY MEASURE, the world is better off now than it has
ever been. Extreme poverty has been cut in half over the past 25 years,
child mortality rates are plunging around the globe, and many of the
countries that have long relied on foreign aid are now self-sufficient.
So why do so many people seem to think things are getting worse?
Much of the reason is because they’re in the grip of three deeply
damaging myths about global poverty and development. But the belief

74 | April•2015
 Africa ascends:
Kids play at a
primary school in
Dakar, Senegal

November•2014 | 75
THREE MYTHS ABOUT THE WORLD’S POOR

that the world is getting worse isn’t that barely existed 50 years ago now
just mistaken – it’s also detrimental. includes more than half of the world’s
It stalls progress and blinds us to the population. This holds true even in
opportunity we have to create a world Africa. Since 1998, annual income
where almost everyone has a chance per person has climbed by two thirds
to prosper. – from just over US$1300 then to
nearly US$2200 today. Seven of the

1 Poor Countries Are

Doomed to Stay Poor
Incomes and other measures of
ten fastest-growing economies from
the past half decade are in Africa.
We are optimistic enough that we’re
welfare are rising almost every- willing to make a prediction: by 2035,
where. Take Mexico City. In 1987, there will be almost no poor countries
when we first visited, most homes left in the world. Yes, a few countries

PHOTO: (P REVIOUS PAGE) FREDERIC COURBET/COURTESY BILL & MELINDA G ATE S FOU NDATION
lacked running water, and we saw will be held back by war, political
people trekking to fill up water jugs; it realities (such as North Korea), or
reminded us of rural Africa. The guy geography (such as landlocked states
who ran Microsoft’s Mexico City office in central Africa). And inequality will
would send his kids back to the US still be a problem. But every country
for checkups to make sure the smog in South America, Asia, and Central
wasn’t making them sick. America (except perhaps Haiti) –
Today, the city is mind-blowingly and most in coastal Africa – will be
different, boasting high-rise middle-income nations. More than
buildings, cleaner air, and new roads 70% of countries will have a higher per-
and bridges. You still find pockets person income than China does today.
of poverty, but when we visit, we
think, Wow, most people here are
middle-class – what a miracle. You
can see a similar transformation in
2 Foreign Aid
Is a Waste
We worry about this myth. It gives
Nairobi, New Delhi, Shanghai, and leaders an excuse to cut back on aid –
many other cities. In our lifetime, the and that would mean fewer lives saved
global picture of poverty has been and more time before countries can
completely redrawn. Since 1960, become self-sufficient. Foreign aid is
China’s income per person has gone a phenomenal investment. It doesn’t
up eightfold. India’s has quadrupled, just save lives; it also lays the ground-
Brazil’s has almost quintupled, and work for lasting, long-term progress.
tiny Botswana, thanks to shrewd Many people think that foreign aid is
management of its mineral resources, a large part of rich countries’ budgets.
has seen a 30-fold increase. A new When pollsters ask Americans what
class of middle-income nations share goes to aid, the most common

76 | April•2015
 READER’S DIGEST

Melinda Gates meets women and children in Dedaur in central India, January 2013
PHOTO: PRASHAN T PANJI AR/COURTESY BILL & MELINDA GATES FOUNDATION

response is “25 percent.” In fact, it is people call to end aid programmes if

less than 1%, or about $30 billion a year. one dollar of corruption is found. How-
The US government spends more than ever, four of the past seven governors
twice as much on farm subsidies as on of Illinois went to prison for corrup-
international health aid; it spends more tion, and no-one is demanding that the
than 60 times as much on the military. state’s schools or highways be closed.
One common complaint is that aid Critics also complain that aid keeps
gets wasted on corruption, and some countries dependent on outsiders’ gen-
of it does. But the horror stories you erosity. But this argument focuses on
hear – where aid helped a dictator the most difficult cases still struggling
build palaces – come mostly from a for self-sufficiency. Here is a list of
time when aid was designed to win former recipients that have grown so
Cold War allies rather than improve much that they receive little aid today:
people’s lives. The problem today is Brazil, Mexico, Chile, Costa Rica,
much smaller. We should try to reduce Peru, Thailand, Mauritius, Botswana,
small-scale corruption, but we can’t Morocco, Singapore and Malaysia.
eliminate it, any more than we can Critics are right to say there is no
eliminate waste from every business definitive proof that aid drives eco-
or government programme. Many nomic growth. But we know that it

April•2015 | 77
THREE MYTHS ABOUT THE WORLD’S POOR

drives improvements in health, agricul- government invested in a family-

ture and infrastructure, which correlate planning programme, birth rates
strongly with long-run growth. started to drop. Over two decades, Thai
Look at what aid has accomplished: women went from having six children
a baby born in 1960 had an 18% chance on average to two. Today, child
of dying before her fifth birthday. For mortality rates there are almost as low
a child born today, it is less than 5%; as they are in the US, and Thai women
in 2035, it will be 1.6%. We can’t think have an average of 1.6 children.
of any other 75-year improvement in This pattern of falling death rates
welfare that even comes close. followed by falling birth rates applies
for most of the world. Saving lives

3 Saving Lives Leads to

Overpopulation
For more than two centuries, people
doesn’t lead to overpopulation – just
the opposite. Creating societies where
people enjoy health, prosperity,
have w or r ied about dooms day fundamental equality, and access to
scenarios in which food supply can’t contraceptives is the only way to a
keep up with population growth. But sustainable world.
this anxiety has a dangerous tendency
to override concern for the humans MORE PEOPLE, especially political
who make up that population. leaders, need to know about the
Letting children die now so they misconceptions behind these myths.
don’t starve later isn’t just heartless Contributions to promote inter-
– it doesn’t work. Countries with the national health and development
highest death rates are among the offer an astonishing return. We all
fastest- growing populations in the have the chance to create a world
world: women there tend to have the w h e re e x t re m e p ov e r t y i s t h e
most births. exception rather than the rule, and
When more children sur vive, where all children have the chance
parents decide to have smaller fami- to thrive. For those of us who believe
lies. Consider Thailand. Around in the value of every human life,
1960, child mortality rates started there isn’t any more inspiring work
going down. In the 1970s, after the under way today.
© 2014 BY BILL AND MELINDA GATES. GATESFOUNDATION.ORG.

WORLD WIDE WIT

Walnut An obsessive bricklayer
Warehouse A person who turns into a house at the Full Moon
UXBRIDGE ENGLISH DICTIONARY

78 | April•2015
 Quotable Quotes
You can fail at what Caution:
you don’t want – so you cape does
might as well take a not enable
chance at doing what user to fly.
F ROM TOP: GILBERT CARRASQUI LLO/GETTY I MAGES . ANDREW TOTH/GETTY IMAG E S. CARLO AL L E G RI/CORBIS

LABEL ON A
you love. BATM A N COS T U M E
J I M C A R R E Y, actor

THE WORLD IS NOT There isn’t anyone you

GIVEN BY OUR FATHERS,
BUT BORROWED FROM couldn’t love once you’ve
OUR CHILDREN. heard their story.
WENDELL BERRY, SISTER MARY LOU
environmental activist KOWNACKI, author

I don’t want to be a supermodel;

I want to be a role model.
QUEEN LATIFAH, singer

Rock bottom
FEAR IS THE
became
the solid LOCK, AND
foundation LAUGHTER THE
upon which I KEY TO YOUR
rebuilt my life. HEART.
J.K . ROWLING, STEPHEN STILLS, musician
author

It terrifies me how much of our economy is

stuck inside a dairy cow.
TE R A DA R , New Zealand comedian

April•2015 | 79
DRAMA IN REAL LIFE

When the Easy Rider capsized and

Dallas Reedy was tipped into the
angry ocean without a life jacket, he
had nothing to help him survive –
except his will to live

DIRE
STRAIT BY C H ARLES AND E RS O N

FR O M FA I R FA X M E D I A

80 | April•2015
November•2014 | 81
I
DIRE STRAIT

t was to become one of New Zealand’s worst-ever maritime

disasters, when the heavily laden fishing boat Easy Rider was
swamped by huge seas in the Foveaux Strait at the extreme
south of the South Island. Nine people were on board that night
in March 2012. In moments, deckhand Dallas Reedy found
himself alone in the ocean, fighting against the elements and against
all reason to abandon hope.

IT’S MIDNIGHT and the Radio New tries to grab a rope. All he is wearing
Zealand broadcaster begins announc- is a yellow and blue stormline jacket,
ing the day’s headlines. The 11-metre track pants and boots. As soon as he
Easy Rider is punching into the tide hits the water his boots and pants are
as it nears the northwestern point of sucked off.
Stewart Island. It bounces over waves The sea temperature is 13°C. A man
and slides over their tips before slam- wearing a life jacket could survive up
ming down into the troughs below. to five hours before succumbing to
The skipper is at the wheel. The muscle fatigue, cramps and hypother-
news bulletin is wrapping up. “That is mia. But without a life jacket, in the

PHOTOS: (OPENIN G S PREA D) GETTY I MAGES ; ALL OTHERS FAI RFAX N Z

your headlines to three minutes past cold, Reedy thinks he is going to drown.
midnight.” He fumbles around
Then Reedy hears for anything to help
it. It sounds like a jet him stay afloat. He
eng ine. It is a roar
It sounds like a manages to get a hold
from t he starboard jet engine. He of a rope attached to
side. He cannot see cannot see it the boat. The waves
it coming, but within pull him around,
seconds he feels it. coming, but slamming him into
T he ent i re deck is within seconds the side of the hull.
swamped. He hears a It i s s l i p p e r y a n d
young boy, one of the he can feel it barnacled like a
sk ipper’s relat ives, whale, but he knows
scream – and t hen he has to stay out of
nothing. The water is up to his chest. the water for as long as possible.
Then the Easy Rider heels back and He wedges himself between the
over. In an instant it is upside down, propeller and the rudder as waves
and pots and ropes are all around continued to crash over him. It feels
him. Reedy goes under. He flails and like death is coming for him.

82 | April•2015
 READER’S DIGEST

Easy Rider capsized by a

rogue wave about
12:03am March 15, 2012 Dallas Reedy rescued
about 6:10pm, March 15 Bluff

Foveaux Strait

Codfish Island Stewart Island Ruapuke Island

There is no moon. No stars.

Only the boat’s light, which New Zealand
is still attached to a battery.
After 15 minutes it goes black.
Then comes the cold. He looks
around and can see no-one.
He bangs on the hull with his
fists hoping to get a reply from
those who were in the cabins.
He yells. There is nothing – only
Easy Rider crew member Dallas Reedy
the sound of the ocean.
The Easy Rider’s dinghy is
still tied up – only metres away. Dallas Reedy is alone in the black.
But if he doesn’t reach it or if he can’t He can barely see a metre. He is about
unleash it, he’s likely to drown. So he to die.
stays put, occasionally standing and Almost immediately it pops to the
squatting to keep his blood moving. surface – a 20-litre red, plastic petrol
Two hours pass. He knows he is canister. Nothing else. If it had been a
alone. Then comes another sound. A little further away he would not have
wooosh. It is like a last, dying breath. It seen it. He slides his fingers through
is the air escaping from the boat. The the grip and holds on tight.
Easy Rider tips vertical and begins to It is 2am.
sink. He gets to the back of the boat. The morning … if he can make it to
Then, when the water is up to his morning then that is his best chance.
knees, he steps off into the black, the Did the skipper get a mayday out? Did
dinghy still tied to the Easy Rider, both anyone get out?
slowly sinking and fading beneath him. He has been cold before. He was in

April•2015 | 83
DIRE STRAIT

the army in Waiouru – a tank driver the mistakes he made. He remembers

in the bitter winters forced to stay the assault on the taxi driver that put
overnight inside the freezing steel. him in prison. He remembers playing
More than once he fell victim to hypo- rugby league on the concrete where
thermia. You do that a few times over inmates would try and smash his
the years and you learn about your teeth out in every tackle. He remem-
body. bers the inmate who hung himself in
the cell next door.
IN THE DARK he has no reference He remembers wanting to turn his
point. He puts the others who were life around and do the best for his kids
aboard the boat out of his mind. He and his wife. He remembers moving
has to. He can’t think about them. He to Southland. All of it, he thinks, has
has to survive. led to this moment.
He thinks back to his sons at home,
snuggling into their beds, no idea that THE SUN FINALLY hauls itself over
their father is out in the ocean fighting the horizon. Dallas figures it’s about
for his life. 6am. It looks like the world being born,
Hold on, he tells himself. Don’t let he thinks. It hits his skin. Finally, he
go. Hold on. Don’t let go. feels warmth. He has lasted the night.
He sees things in the water. Millions Now, he tells himself, someone will
of them – they sparkle and twinkle in find me.
the night. The bioluminescent marine His tongue is swollen. He cannot
life is the only light he has seen in swallow. The salt water he has been
hours. When he splashes his hand the spitting out is seeping into his body.
light disappears. Even out here with Reedy knows the sea. He has spent
all this death, he thinks, there is life. most of his life in it. He learned to
He is not hungry. Only thirsty. The dive near here – getting in the ocean
water slaps against him and tries to with great white sharks that returned
force itself into his mouth. He spits to these waters every year. Now that
and sputters and tries to force it out. there is daylight he can see that his
His stomach is cramping. He keeps knuckles are bleeding. For a moment
passing stools. It feels like his body is he panics. He flails and tries to pull
shutting down. his legs into his chest. He wills himself
He thinks about his life. His early to be calm, to breathe.
days putting in fence posts on the east The waves slap on his jacket. Slap,
coast of the North Island. His time in slap, slap. It is constant. Slap, slap,
the army and how it gave structure to slap. JUST ****** STOP! He shouts into
a kid who had known little. the open air.
He remembers when he left and The ocean does not listen. He tries

84 | April•2015
 READER’S DIGEST

to concentrate. He looks about him. Forty minutes pass. He looks up and

All this time, land has only been about sees he is no closer. He looks back to
3km away. He cannot see anything the sun. It is dipping. He has about
else, only land. He has to swim. He four hours. He knows he can’t fight
moves to take off his jacket. He slides the current. He knows he can’t make
his arms out and lays it flat on the it another night.
ocean’s surface. He He begins to sing.
hopes it will be a Anything at first –
signal to helicopters songs from the ’60s
or planes that will
He begins to and ’70s – the Eagles,
come looking for him. say hello to Dire Straits. He recites
Just before he lets everyone he haka – war challenges
go of it he thinks back he learned as a boy at
to a television show he knows who has boarding school. He
watched once about already passed tells himself jokes.
survival. It was hosted He makes himself
by former special- over laugh. He talks to the
forces soldier Bear petrol canister. He has
Grylls, who told his named it Wilson, after
audience to use everything around a Tom Hanks movie he once watched.
them to survive. Just before he lets go He feels like he might be losing his
of the jacket he pulls out the draw- mind.
string from its hood. He thinks Wilson is too heavy.
The jacket floats for a second. Then There is liquid still inside. Maybe if he
it sinks into the sea. can pour some out it will float better.
Dallas ties the string around his He unscrews the lid and begins to tip
wrist and around the petrol canister’s it out but does not realise how much
grip. Hold on. Don’t let go. is still inside. The gasoline pours all
over his face and into his eyes. He is
HE WAKES BENEATH the sea. His blind. He grips the lid in his fist. If he
vision is blurry through the water. loses it, he will die.
The string saves him. He bursts to Carefully, he screws it back on and
the surface and into tears. I am dying begins to say goodbye to everyone he
now, he thinks. has ever known. Strangers, friends
He has to move. He starts swim- and family – he wishes them all a long
ming, pushing out the canister with life. He begins to say hello to every-
each stroke. It tires him. He stops one he knows who has already passed
and ties the string to the elastic of his over. He says he will see them soon.
underwear. He starts for land again. He is calm.

April•2015 | 85
DIRE STRAIT

“Hey man, thanks so much bro’,” Reedy said when he met his rescuer, Rhys Ferguson,
again. “I’m just glad you’re here,” the volunteer coastguard replied

He tries to untie the string from his WHEN THE SUN had first come up
wrist so that he can wrap it around his that morning he felt so much hope.
neck to keep his head It gave him warmth.
above the water. If No w, he c a n fe e l
he sinks he knows A man on a it t u r n i ng on h i m
the sea lice will eat a s it s k u l k s b ac k
his eyes first. But his boat speaks over the horizon. I
hands are too cold. words he will can’t fight anymore,
He cannot undo the Re e d y t h i n k s. He
knot. Then he sees
never forget: say s goodbye a nd
a plane flying high “SURVIVOR IN closes his eyes. He
above him. He tries THE WATER” has done enoug h.
to wave, he tries to He has done enough.
scream. It passes by. T hen he hea r s it .

86 | April•2015
 READER’S DIGEST

Neeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee. He looks up back to them. He wants them to know

and locks eyes with a spectacled the blood that runs through his veins
young man on the back of a boat who is theirs too – Ngati Porou: warrior
speaks words he will never forget: blood.
“SURVIVOR IN THE WATER.” He does not believe himself to be
an exceptional person, but he now
REEDY WAS PICKED up by the Bluff understands that if you push yourself,
Coastguard after helicopter crew near exceptional things can be done. His
Stewart Island spotted a diesel slick in initials are D T R – Dallas Tumoana
the water. It was 6.11pm. He has been Reedy. Tumoana: “He who stands
in the water for 18 hours. steadfast in the sea”.
Two months on he has been to
hospital and heard people call his The search in Foveaux Strait continued
story a miracle. He has appeared on through the night and the days that
followed, but there were no other
television and been in magazines.
survivors. Of the nine aboard, only
His story is now his family’s story. He Reedy survived. Four bodies were
wants his sons to know what he went recovered; the remainder were never
through and what he did to come found.

EDITED EXTRACT FROM INTO THE BLACK (FAIRFAX MEDIA, 2014). © 2014 CHARLES ANDERSON

THE PAPERS SAY THE FUNNIEST THINGS

Irish police are being handicapped in a search for a stolen van, because they
cannot issue a description. It’s a special-branch vehicle, and they don’t want
the public to know what it looks like.
THE GUARDIAN

Mrs Irene Graham of Thorpe Avenue, Boscombe, UK, delighted the audience
with her reminiscence of the German prisoner of war who was sent each
week to do her garden. He was repatriated at the end of 1945, she recalled.
“He’d always seemed a nice friendly chap, but when the crocuses came up in
the middle of our lawn in February 1946, they spelt out ‘Heil Hitler’.”
BOURNEMOUTH EVENING ECHO

A young girl who was blown out to sea on a set of inflatable teeth was
rescued by a man on an inflatable lobster. A coastguard spokesman
commented, “This sort of thing is all too common.”
THE TIMES

April•2015 | 87
YOUR BODY

Why scratching feels so good,

moisturiser is my saving grace, and
salmon is my favourite food

A Day in the
Life of Your

Skin
THRE E AL ARM SNO OZ E S , a leg
BY TERE SA D UM AIN

scratch, and 14 eye rubs later, you roll

My Fave Shower Routine
Adequately caffeinated, you head to
out of bed and plod into the kitchen the bathroom to shower. As you wait
to make a cup of coffee. You’re totally for the water to warm, you give me a
entitled to take it slow after a tough good scratch and then another. It
week, but I wish you’d rub me less. happens even more in winter: the dry
PHOTO: STEVE VACC ARI ELLO

I’m thinnest around your eyes. At air sucks moisture out through my top
only about 0.05mm thick – half the layer, which makes me irritated.
thickness of computer paper – I get Dryness triggers an inflammatory
tiny tears in capillaries from all that response: immune cells as well as pro-
manhandling, making me look inflammatory proteins and other en-
discoloured and older. Make that 15 zymes go wild, activating itch receptors
eye rubs. that send signals to your brain. The

88 | April•2015
April•2015 | 89
A D AY I N T H E L I F E O F Y O U R S K I N

result: your fingernails raking across germs! All three of my layers – my

me (not so gently, I might add). I know outer epidermis, thickest middle
it feels good for a second – scratching dermis, and bottom fatty layer pro-
may engage pleasure and reward tect against invading bacteria, fungi,
centres in the brain. But if you keep at and other undesirables. That’s also
it, I’ll get even more inflamed, which why I’m lucky you’re so diligent
will cause those itch receptors to refire. about moisturising. If my outer layer
And a vicious circle continues. gets too dry, tiny cracks can develop,
As much as you want to linger under which leaves me looking scaly – and
the soothing stream of water, I beg you you more prone to skin infections
to stop after ten minutes. Long, hot and inflammation.
showers strip away my natural oils, as But if I’m intact, I must say, I do my
do soapy cleansers. The fact that you job well. Like right now. You decide to
switched to a gentle, soap-free body take your kids to story time at the
wash is perfect – it’ll get rid of dirt but bookstore – talk about a germ zone.
leave some oils to help me stay lubri- But I handily thwart the bugs you
cated. I’m also grateful that you encounter: lurking along the escalator
skipped washing your face this morn- and spread all over the toys and board
ing. If I could make a TV ad for this, I books in the kiddie section. I may feel
would: ladies, you don’t need to wash soft, but don’t be fooled. I’m as tough
your face twice a day (especially if you as nails. My epidermal cells create a
have dry skin). One cleansing at night dry, acidic environment that’s hostile
gets rid of the debris that can clog my to bacteria. These cells also have a
pores. Scrubbing again in the morning secret weapon: tentacle-like append-
may remove too much oil. ages that seek and destroy germs. And
After a quick pat-down, you dip into they secrete enzymes that help foil
that new jar of moisturising ointment unwanted visitors.
and start slopping it on while I’m still When you bump into a table
damp. Ahhhh. Hello, happy place. This display, it’s my innermost layer of fat
is exactly what I need – it’s thick and and collagen cells that absorbs the
contains ceramides. These lipids occur shock and protects your inner organs,
naturally in my top layer, but I welcome and it’s my blood vessels that bear
an extra dose. They trap water mole- the brunt of the jolt. Bang into the
cules to help me stay smooth and dewy. table hard enough, and it’ll break the
capillaries near my top layer, causing
I’m Tougher than I Look blood to leak into the surrounding
You’re always doing things to “boost tissue and form that unsightly mark.
your immunity”. If only you knew that As the haemoglobin in the blood –
I’m your first line of defence against which gives the bruise its purplish

90 | April•2015
 READER’S DIGEST

colour – breaks down over time, the Feed Me Well

bruise turns technicolour, fading to Tonight you decide to treat the kids to
greenish yellow and then golden an early dinner out. Burgers for them;
brown. Soon enough, I’ll be back to salmon and broccoli for you. You know
normal as white blood cells finish this choice is smart for your waistline,
repairing the damage. but it does me good as well. The fish is
packed with omega-3s, which can help
My Big Worry replenish my natural oils as well as
I’m glad when you layer a cotton T- fight inflammation; the broccoli has
shirt under your jumper in winter; the loads of vitamin C, which my cells re-
wool is a little abrasive. (It can even quire to make collagen, a protein that
trigger a rash if I’m feeling particu- makes me firm and supple. And thanks
larly sensitive.) And thank goodness for skipping dessert! Sugar molecules
for that barrier cream. That sanitising bind to my proteins, which compro-
gel you squirted on after leaving the mises the fibres that keep me taut.
bookstore strips my natural oils. The (Translation: wrinkles.)
cream blocks the harsh outdoor air
and helps trap whatever moisture I Beauty Sleep Is Real
have left. Gloves will do the job even You’re turning in early tonight, which
better when it’s really cold. is exactly what I need to repair. All day
But if I can complain for a second, I I’ve been making new cells and push-
don’t get why you skipped the face ing up dead ones to be sloughed off.
lotion with SPF30 this morning. You This process speeds up during deep
moisturise anyway; it can’t get any sleep. In roughly a month, my top
easier. Even applying a face powder layer will be fully regenerated.
with SPF would be better than noth- Humidifier on? Check. Face washed?
ing. Maybe you don’t realise that as Yup. More ointment? Love you. Now I
long as it’s daylight, those ultraviolet just hope you sleep through the night.
rays are around, regardless of the People who get uninterrupted, high-
weather. In winter, there can be up to quality sleep show half as many signs
twice as many UVA rays as UVB – of ageing as poor sleepers. Good sleep-
these penetrate deep into me and ers have fewer fine lines, better elastic-
contribute to cancer and most of the ity, and more even tone. I’ll also
problems you see in your skin: the recover more efficiently from stressors.
wrinkles that make you cringe, the I’m the first one to say that beauty is
dark spots on your hands, and the supposed to be more than skin-deep.
saggy neck you hate in photos. It But I also know that when I’m healthy,
makes me, well, crawl when you don’t you feel beautiful – and that’s worth all
use sunscreen religiously. my efforts.

April•2015 | 91
HEALTH

When Patients Read

Their Medical Records
BY DR L E A N A W E N

THE WOMAN WAS SITTING on a bed in – inflammation of the pancreas from

the emergency room, and I was facing alcohol use – became clear. I won-
her, typing. I had just written about dered why I’d never shown patients
her abdominal pain when she posed a their records before. In medical
question I’d never been asked before: school, we learn that medical records
“May I look at what you’re writing?” exist so that doctors can communi-
At the time, I was a fourth-year cate with other doctors. No-one told
medical resident. In our emergency us about the benefits they could bring
department, doctors routinely typed when shared with patients.
notes, placed orders, and checked Access to medical records has
records while we were in patients’ changed dramatically over time and
rooms. To maintain at least some eye can differ widely between countries.
contact, we faced our patients, with Some countries see it as a right, others
the computer between us. demand patients jump through legal
But there was no reason we couldn’t hoops. In the US, patients generally
be on the same side of the screen. I have a legal right to their medical in-
sat down next to her and showed her formation. But when the process for
what I was typing. She began pointing obtaining records is cumbersome, few
out changes. She’d said that her pain patients try to access them.
had started three weeks prior, not the In 2010, Tom Delbanco, a Harvard
previous week. Her chart mentioned professor and internist, and Jan Walker,
alcohol abuse in the past; she admit- a nurse and researcher, started an
ted that she was under a lot of stress experiment called OpenNotes that let
and had returned to heavy drinking a patients read what their primary-care
couple of months earlier. providers wrote about them. They
A s w e t a l ke d , h e r d i a g n o s i s hypothesised that giving patients

92 | April•2015
 prescriptions.
And 99% of the
patients wanted
the programme to
continue.
That day in the
emergency room
was a turning
point for me. Since
I started sharing
notes with my pa-
tients, they have
made dozens of
valuable correc-
tions and changes,
such as adding
allergies and tell-
ing me when a
previous medi-
cal problem has
b e e n re s o l v e d .
We come up with
access to notes would allow them to treatment plans together. And when
become more engaged in their care. patients leave, they receive a copy of
Many doctors resisted. Wouldn’t my detailed instructions.
open medical records inhibit what The record becomes a collaborative
they wrote about sensitive issues, such tool for patients, not just a record of
as substance abuse? What if patients what we doctors do to patients. When
misunderstood the notes? Would that patients see their medical records,
lead to lawsuits? What would patients there’s more trust and more accuracy.
ILLUSTRATION: PETER OUMAN SKI

do with all the information anyway? It’s changed my practice and

After the first year, the results were fundamentally transformed my under-
striking: 80% of patients who saw standing of whom the medical record
their records reported a better under- ultimately belongs to: the patient.
standing of their medical conditions
and said they were more in control of Should doctors routinely share medical
their health. Two-thirds reported that records with their patients? Details on
they were better at sticking with their how to share your thoughts are on page 6.
NPR (AUGUST 17, 2014) © 2014 LEANA WEN, NPR.ORG

April•2015 | 93
FIRST PERSON

How a camel called Raj and

a desert safari opened a
fashion writer’s eyes to
a whole new world

SAVEDBY A
CAMEL
BY A MA N DA JO N E S

“YOU ARE NOT WHAT I was hoping for,” the terrifying

face of my boss was saying. “I’m not sure you’re cut out
PHOTO: GETTY IMAGES

for the fashion world.” This news was not surprising.

Shortly after graduating from university with a science
degree, I’d talked my way into a middle-management
position at a venerable fashion magazine. Though I’d
always fancied myself something of an expert when it
came to clothing, once I’d arrived I felt more like the

94 | April•2015
November•2014 | 95
S AV E D B Y A C A M E L

chance,” she told me on this rainy

afternoon. “I have an assignment that
you must take. I’ve asked everyone
else. No-one wants it.” The assign-
ment was to fly to India – specifically
the Thar Desert of western Rajasthan
– and take a week-long camel safari.
While there, I would shoot scouting
photos to see if the location was suit-
able for voluntarily hungry models to
waft around the desert wearing gauzy
outfits worth more than the average
Amanda Jones is a travel writer Indian made in a year.
and photographer who was born in “And perhaps you could write
New Zealand and now lives near San a travel story while you are there,” she
Francisco. Her work has appeared in said with that sneer-smile.
books, magazines and newspapers This was the ’80s; India was still
worldwide. grindingly poor, overpopulated
and struggling with running water,
country cousin in a Jane Austen tale hygiene and electricity. I’d heard of
who marches into society in all the the beggars, the lepers, the smells,
wrong get-up. I was thin, but not the sewage and the inescapability of
emaciated. I’d never had a manicure debilitating illness. I’d never been to
nor spent extravagantly on an outfit. I the developing world, but it was either
wore little make-up and my hair was agree or be fired.
long and unruly and decidedly not I boarded the long flight for India
sleek. I was a sartorial train wreck. in a state of fatalistic fear, but as the
My boss, the editor-in-chief, was plane descended into the blue haze
1.8m tall and dreadful. Her smile was above Delhi, I made a decision: I
a sneer. She had two obscenely ex- would surrender to whatever I found
PHOTO: COURTESY A MAN DA JONES

pensive designer suits that she wore below. Hitherto, surrendering hadn’t
every other day with a string of pearls been a large part of my life, and I was
– same suits, same pearls. Without fail convinced I’d fail spectacularly.
she would down an entire bottle of The drive from the airport was
wine at lunchtime alone in her office, surreal. It was early morning and
and following that she would go on mist, smoke, pollution and heat
the warpath. By 1.30pm, doom crept stewed to create a shroud through
through the halls like nerve gas. which everything emerged – first as
“I’m willing to give you another a shadow, then a shape, then reality.

96 | April•2015
 READER’S DIGEST

Horned cows wove between ancient appeared to speak not at all. It turned
cars. A man squatted and defecated out that Ajay was an extremely tired
into the gutter. Bodies lay everywhere, teenager, and once we hit the trail,
sleeping on sidewalks, median strips, he would spend the days draped over
on rooftops and stoops. At stop signs, Raj’s hindquarters sound asleep while
maimed children appeared at the car I went it alone with my stalwart friend.
window with beautiful, insistent eyes Rather than the dread I had
and outstretched palms. It possessed expected to feel facing a week on the
an honesty and beauty that seduced back of a camel, once we struck out
me. I was in love with India within the into the hot, flat desert I felt a soaring
first hour. sense of freedom. I realised that I was
To reach the camels I was required unaccountably happy.
to catch an overnight train, which This didn’t last long. “Before we
meant wrestling a path through Delhi reach tonight’s destination,” Vini
train station, where it seemed all of announced 20 minutes into our trip,
humanity had congregated to take “I feel bound to show you a number
a nap with all of their belongings. I one surprise!” I would shortly learn
fought my way onto the train, and that springing “surprises” was Vini’s
eventually it rattled past human idea of hilarity. “Bikaner is the holy
humps sleeping trackside and onward home of Karni Mata temple! Guess
into the outreaches of Rajasthan. what animal is worshipped at the
I disembarked in a town called Karni Mata?”
Bikaner and was met by Vini, my “The cobra?” I ventured, hoping not.
guide. He was young and plump and “No!” said Vini, “There are 20,000
spoke in antiquated English with rats! They are fed every day by devoted
elaborate enthusiasm. It was as if every worshippers!”
comment he made was an astonishing My one great and primal fear is rats.
edict. “Now, Ananda,” (he never got my Spiders, snakes, sharks, public speak-
name right), “you shall present your- ing, nudity – none of these faze me as
self to your camel! You and he shall be much as rats. Perhaps I had died of
stalwart friends for an entire week!” plague in a past life.
My camel, Raj, which means “You must remove your shoes,”
princely, didn’t look very majestic, Vini whispered as he ushered me into
only ornery and mangy. Thankfully, I a marble room, the floor of which
would not be going it alone. A skinny heaved with a sea of rats. It was
teenager, introduced as Ajay, would sit tempting to yell, “Hell no!” and run,
behind me prodding Raj with his feet but I didn’t. I surrendered.
and a stick to keep him under con- Rodent faeces crunched under my
trol. Ajay spoke no English. In fact, he bare soles. Rats swarmed over bags

April•2015 | 97
S AV E D B Y A C A M E L

Accompanying us was
a camel-drawn cart fixed
with old aeroplane tyres,
enabling it to cross the
sands of the desert. On
top of the luggage sat a
cook and his assistant.
The cook had brought
a harmonium, a hand-
pumped organ, and he
played lilting Qawwali
music all day as the cart
swayed over the empty,
sun-scorched plains. The
soaring freedom and the
unaccountable happiness
returned, and I sat atop
Raj sucking in the purity
of grain; they climbed walls, they and peace of the wide-open spaces.
covered a fountain and eventually At night we would set up our tents
they dug their terrible claws into my while the cooks prepared dinner. The
pant legs and climbed upward. And I only way to wash was with a bucket
stood there and allowed them to. and small amount of water. There was
I left the temple feeling chuffed with no mirror, it was hot and dusty and
myself. I had not fled, I’d allowed the my hair and clothing were stiff with
creatures I feared most to use me as a sand. I had never been more dishev-
jungle gym, and, most satisfyingly, I’d elled – and never more content.
taken earnest temple-rodent photos Almost daily Vini would bring the
that I would present as a suggestion camels to their knees and scream,
for a fashion shoot location. I was so “Surprise!” One time the surprise was
pleased with myself that I didn’t even to climb enormous sand dunes under
use an antiseptic towelette to wipe my the cruel hammer of the midday sun.
feet before I shoved them back in my At the top of one, he started giggling,
PHOTO: GETTY IM AGES

shoes. Oh yes, I was in love with India. yelled “Surprise!” again and shoved
“Our dromedaries await!” Vini an- me off the edge. I tumbled ass over
nounced. “Release all thoughts of teakettle with my work camera in
creature comfort! The camel is now hand. It was ruined. There went the
your intimate acquaintance and your venerable magazine shoot.
tent will be your moving palace!” Another time we dismounted in a

98 | April•2015
 READER’S DIGEST

tiny village. Often we would do this to camp as the sun was sinking with its
rest under the shade of the rare tree, usual crescendo of colours. I’d been
so I was typically unalarmed. Then nursing an idea since day three, and
several women grabbed me by the by this time it had come to full frui-
arms. “Surprise!” Vini screamed in my tion. India had pried open some life
ear. “These women feel that you dress lust in me. A dormant part of me had
like a man! They are going to attempt woken hungry and needed satiation. I
to make you attractive in a sari!” had, as travellers so often claim, had an
“Oh,” was all I could think to say, epiphany: I wanted to do this forever.
and I dutifully followed them into the Not roam about on camelback with
dark hut. I’m not sure if it was con- Vini forever, but I wanted to explore
scious spite or an innocent mix-up, the further reaches of the world, to
but they pulled out an item of clothing stumble about in the unfamiliar, to
that I doubt would have fit me when I place myself in trying situations in the
was ten and that had not been washed remotest of places, to walk among all
in a while. Maybe never. It stank. human conditions, to try to understand
The women surrounded me, and the importance of life, to be tested, to
frantically started stuffing and swath- be dirty and not care, to get lost and to
ing me into this thing. The choli be in places where mirrors didn’t exist
undershirt was tight. “I. Can. Not. or didn’t matter.
Breathe,” I told them in English and I decided to return to the fashion
they stood around laughing and magazine with the broken camera
nodding and clapping their hands and photos of a rat temple and quit
delightedly. I staggered outside and my job. And this is what I did (in the
Vini clapped his hands delightedly. morning, mind you; I was too chicken
Then I said, breathlessly, “I, Change. to face the fearsome one post-vino.)
Into. Men’s. Clothes. Now.” And that is how I became a travel
The most surprising “surprise” was writer.
when Vini decided we needed to race
our camels at full gallop. Unusually,
This is an
Ajay was awake and he flogged poor extract from
Raj into a gangly, awkward gallop. Lonely Planet’s
Bouncing around gracelessly, I deter- An Innocent
mined that posting to the trot was the Abroad: Life
Changing Trips
only method of survival, and so there I from 35 Great
sat, posting on a camel like some mad Writers edited by
Englishwoman, my laughter trailing Don George ©
behind us, equally mad. Lonely Planet 2014.
RRP US$15.99
On our last evening, we rode towards

April•2015 | 99
WHO KNEW?

Public Speakers
Tell All BY MI CHELLE CR OU CH

1 Most people think the way to add

emphasis is to raise your voice. But
if you really want to attract attention,
4 You have no idea what they do to
us backstage. One time I had a
keynote speech that was cut from half
be silent for a moment. I always pause an hour of talking time to seven min-
before I say something important, and utes because the speakers in front of
all the heads that were looking down me were going on too long. So I ripped
jerk up. up the speech I had, wrote a few
notes, and winged it.

2 When I’m speaking, I can see you.

Really. If you’re texting, I know. If
you’ve got buds in your ears, I know. 5 The key to a good speech is to have
a surprising truth. Find something
Usually I let it go. But if you’re that everyone thinks is one way, and
distracting the people around you, I explain that really it’s this other way.
may have to call you out. If you can achieve that, you are well
on your way to a successful outcome.

3 Here’s the key to working a confer-

ence: think about what you can do
6 Smaller audiences are murder
I L L U S T R AT I O N : S E R G E B L O C H

for others, not what they can do for because people lose focus. The
you. When you meet new people, sweet spot is any group of about 150 to
don’t make the mistake of marketing 200 people; that size allows you to
yourself. Instead, think about some- establish a collective crowd reaction.

7
one you know who would be helpful
to them. Connect two people, and Often I’ll pick out a person in
suddenly you’re a hero. the crowd who has a big sourpuss

100 | April•2015
 8 I built my career by solicit-
ing exotic international
gigs where I had credibility
because I was an American
from Silicon Valley, the cradle
of information technology.
Meanwhile, I got credibility at
home because I was speaking
internationally. That one trick
made me an established
keynote speaker.

9 I was giving a speech in a

multiplex cinema, and the
power died. It could have been
terrible, but it was great. First one
person turned on his phone’s torch to
light me up. Then everyone did. And I
just kept going.

expression, and I’ll make it my

10 Delivery matters. When I have
an important speech, I record
it and listen to it repeatedly so there
mission to make that person laugh. If will be no mistakes whatsoever.
I can do that by the end of my speech, Sources: Speakers James Marshall Reilly, founder of the
Guild Agency; Patrick Schwerdtfeger; Ian Tyson; Kinja Dixon;
then that’s success for me. Gayle Carson; and Rabbi Issamar Ginzberg.

GERMAN WORDS FOR THE HUMAN CONDITION

Made-up words that explore the idiosyncrasies of life and define

complex human emotions as only the German language can.

Gastdruck (pron: gahst-drook) The exhausting effort of being a

good houseguest. [Literally: guest-pressure]

Einsiedelei (pron: ine-see-duh-lie) The melancholy of cooking for

one. [Literally: lonely-kettle] FROM SCHOTTENFREUDE BY BEN SCHOTT

April•2015 | 101
 All in a Day’s Work
HUMOUR ON THE JOB

“Other than an empty inbox, what goals are we striving towards?”

VIRTUAL REALITY HAPPY 155TH BIRTHDAY!

My husband, a I was buying a few bottles of wine
computer-systems at the bottle store recently when
troubleshooter, was the cashier asked for my birthdate.
riding with me in my new I said, “Ten-three-sixty.”
car one afternoon when I Her next question: “Is that
stopped at a red light. ‘nineteen’ sixty?”
I wanted to stay a safe distance SUBMITTED BY DAVID PHENIX
from the pedestrian crossing, but my
husband waved at me to move SWITCHED ON
forward, saying, “Scroll up, honey.” I was telling a new friend about my
SUBMITTED BY GEORGIA M. HARVEY degree in technical theatre with a

102 | April•2015
 SIT, BEG, ROLL OVER, MAKE CHANGE
I was driving home recently when I stopped on impulse at
a roadside vegetable stand. It was deserted except for a
sleeping German shepherd. I stepped carefully over the dog,
grabbed some vegetables, then opened up the cash box to
leave some money.
Taped to the inside of the lid was a note: “The dog can
count.” SUBMITTED BY CARLEEN CRUMMETT

major in lighting design when she FROM THE HORSE’S MOUTH

looked at me and said, “So you’re After leaving my job, I was amazed to
paid $52,000 a year to turn lights on hear that one of my old colleagues,
and off?” Alan, had been spotted with a new
I had to admit, she was right. girlfriend. Alan had never shown any
From fmylife.com interest in romance, so this was big
SYNOGYMS news. A mutual friend said the girl
My friend sat down with a new client was very nice and chatty, but the
at her gym to review her application. more she spoke the more she
For the question “To what do you reminded him of a horse – big teeth,
attribute your fitness issues?” the long face, wide nostrils.
woman had answered, “Horrendous I decided to visit my old workplace
eating habits.” for more details. The following day,
“Why do you say that?” my friend I found myself sipping coffee with my
asked. ex-colleagues and my replacement.
“Well,” she replied, “I can’t spell Alan was called away to take a phone
‘atrocious’.” call, so I seized the chance to ask
SUBMITTED BY L.A. PERRYMAN about the new girlfriend.
“Yes, it’s true,” said one, so I
TOO HONEST launched into a full repeat of the
My brother-in-law horse description, grinning merrily.
works at Conwy A silence fell and faces became
Castle, a very serious. Then my replacement looked
famous tourist into my eyes and said, “It’s me.”
attraction in Wales. I never went back – and I wasn’t
A few years back, a student sent in invited to their wedding.
P HOTO: THIN KSTOC K

an application for a summer job SUBMITTED BY IRIS DAVIES

there – but the fellow’s email address
didn’t help his cause much. It was:  Got a good joke, anecdote or real-life
gem to share? Send it in and you could win
[email protected]. cash! See page 6 for details on how to
SUBMITTED BY LAWRENCE TYNEE contribute.

April•2015 | 103
TRUE CRIME

From his base in the

Caribbean – where
ill-gotten gains are
often hidden –
Kenney targets
fraudsters

104 | April•2015
At the heart of Martin Kenney’s determination are the
victims, and getting their money back

ARCH
ENEMY
OF
CONMEN BY NICK RYAN
PHOTOGRAPH BY JEFFERY SALTER

November•2014 | 105
W
ARCH ENEMY OF CONMEN

WHEN JACK CHAUVET*, a small businessman from

California, first encountered Art Ferdig in the summer of
2001, the financial advisor – and evangelical preacher –
seemed like a decent man. A friend had suggested Chauvet
contact Ferdig about the impressively-performing “Tradex”
foreign-currency trading scheme he was running. “He was
so mild and Christian,” says Chauvet. “Just someone running
a business, promising steady results.”

Chauvet pushed several hundred to blame for the lost money. “We
thousand dollars into the scheme needed to unravel the mystery,” says
and for a while things went well, with Chauvet. So a small group of them
Tradex’s monthly reports showing contacted Martin Kenney, a hotshot
healthy profits. fraud lawyer.
Then in March 2003, Ferdig wrote to Kenney, a Canadian based in the
say that the money had disappeared British Virgin Islands, was keen to
and that a trader he employed to bro- help. “Losing the money had sto-
ker his deals, Susan Lok, was to blame. len the investors’ dignity,” he says.
“It was an extraordinary surprise,” “Pursuing Ferdig to get it back would
says Chauvet. “But disbelief was swiftly empower them again.”
replaced by anger.” Some 327 investors, With Tradex in liquidation, Kenney
most of them ordinary people, had lost unleashed a blizzard of litigation.
a total of $21 million. “I was still young One of his investigators, a former US
enough to earn some of it back,” says Secret Service agent, began tailing
* NAM E CHAN GED TO P ROTECT P RI VACY
Chauvet, now 71. “But others weren’t Ferdig as he moved between Boca
so lucky.” Raton in Florida, London, Monte-
Ted and Dolores Landkammer from negro and other locations. Others
Santa Cruz, California, had invested waded through thousands of pages of
almost $150,000. “I’m a tough guy, but bank statements, telephone records
I felt pretty down,” says Ted, 84, a re- and other pieces of data. Kenney
tired probation officer. “Holidays, trips, knew that untangling Ferdig’s com-
all the things you dream about doing in plex fraud would take years. Most
retirement were out the window.” law yers would shy away from such
Chauvet and the other investors complicated and lengthy cases, but
were conv inced t hat Ferdig was Kenney is no ordinary lawyer.

106 | April•2015
 READER’S DIGEST

MARTIN KENNEY grew up in Sas- York law firm, he was called in to

katchewan, Canada, the eldest son investigate an international bank-
of a headmaster. Martin did well ing fraud at a prominent Canadian
at school, but his father – a huge investment house. Kenney tracked
influence on him – was determined down tens of millions of dollars by
to “put some leather” on his hands hiring a former CIA agent to pose as
and insisted he work as a roughneck a fellow fraudster and befriend the
on oil fields in the Rocky Mountains suspect while wearing a body wire.
for three vacations while at univer- Kenney went on to help recover a $5
sity before starting his career. million casino debt for Donald Trump
“It was horrendous, that first by using complex legal procedures to
summer. The men were violent, often freeze the main asset of a Japanese real
drunk, always getting thrown into jail,” estate investor with links to organised
says Kenney. “It was 12- to 14-hour crime – his palace.
shifts, seven days straight.” Fellow New York lawyer Irving
As his father had intended, the Cohen recalls meeting the “hard-
experience helped give Kenney a steely nosed” young advocate when they
determination and after qualifying as a were representing opposite sides in
lawyer, he moved rapidly through the a legal battle in 1992. “I watched him
world of commercial practice. retrieve $5 million in 90 days. It was the

“PEOPLE LOSE FAITH IN THEMSELVES WHEN

THEY ARE CONNED. IT’S A VIOLATION
- AS BAD OR WORSE THAN VIOLENT CRIME”

Then in 1987 an associate stole most remarkable thing I’d ever seen.”
$400,000 from a company bank The pair formed an asset-recovery
account – using a card Kenney had firm together, Interclaim, which they
entrusted to him. Kenney was stunned ran until 2002, before Kenney struck
and upset. “To this day, I feel terribly out alone with Martin Kenney & Co.
responsible for what happened,” At the heart of his work are the fraud
he says, a solid figure in a pinstripe victims. “The media call [conmen]
suit. The shock was the first step on rogue traders, as if they’re something
Kenney’s path to dedicating his career nice, but they are vituperative charac-
to fighting fraud. ters,” he says. “People lose their edge
Soon after, while working at a New and faith in themselves when they’re

April•2015 | 107
ARCH ENEMY OF CONMEN

conned. It’s a violation – as bad or when she was just 18 and he was
worse than violent crime.” 61, put t ing her in an apar t ment
He recounts visiting one of his first purchased with his ill-gotten gains –
clients in hospital in 1992. The banker another laundering opportunity.
had had a heart attack after losing $2.8 Still, Ferdig managed to convince
million in a cheque fraud. “I will never the FBI that his trader employee
forget the terror that was visited all Susan Lok was largely to blame for the
over his face. He had been an ebul- fraud and she was imprisoned for ten
lient man with a great sense of hu- years in 2006. Ferdig was eventually
mour and self-confidence. But what arrested in California – where he was
was left was a crushed soul.” giving talks on angels to local groups
– and was jailed for 18 months for tax
ART FERDIG’S FRAUD had already evasion in 2008. But by now it was
claimed its first fatality – an investor clear that the 327 ordinary investors
from Maine had been wiped out finan- taken in by Ferdig’s foreign-currency
cially and committed suicide. But, a Ponzi scheme had lost their money
year into the investigation, Kenney was when new investors’ cash ran out.
tightening his net. He flew in forensic “He should have got 30 or 40 years,”
IT specialists to crack the server of one says Kenney.
of Ferdig’s shell companies – set up He continued to pursue the fraudster
with no function other than to launder through the civil courts and by March

KENNEY ALSO USES SURVEILLANCE AND

STING OPERATIONS TO FIND WHERE
A CONMAN IS CHANNELLING HIS CASH

investors’ money – and recover deleted 2013 he had seized back some $7 mil-
emails. Kenney discovered that Ferdig lion for Ferdig’s victims. Since Ferdig
had spent millions on homes, boats died in 2014, Kenney has been pursu-
and travelling by private jet. Much of it ing land owned by Ferdig in Jamaica.
was paid for with no-name credit cards, There is real satisfaction among
identified by number only, linked to se- the investors, says Chauvet, that
cret offshore bank accounts. with Kenney’s help they haven’t let
Ferd ig had a lso lef t beh i nd a Ferdig get away with his devastating
complicated trail of women, includ- dishonesty.
ing a Dominican girl he’d married “It means I’m no longer a helpless

108 | April•2015
 READER’S DIGEST

v i c t i m ,” s a y s Te d
Landkammer.

DESCRIBED BY
Canadian Lawyer
magazine as having
a “Robin Hood repu-
tation”, Kenney is one
of the world’s leading
fraud hunters, able to
track down the con-
men and assets that
have eluded police or
government agencies.
Working on every-
thing from headline-
grabbing cases such
as Bernie Madoff (who
stole US$18 billion
from wealthy inves-
tors) to investigations
into corrupt insurers
and Russian crime
lords, Kenney employs
a multinational staff of
27 including multi-
jurisdictional lawyers
like himself, foren-
sic accountants and
handwriting experts. Kenney makes no apology for his uncompromising
Kenney usually oper- stance on financial crime and corruption
ates by becoming the
P HOTO: JEFF ERY SALTER

legal counsel of a receiver or liquidator evidence) or the Norwich Pharmacal

of a conman’s “failed” company. This order (granting access to documents
gives him powers to pursue assets in and information held by third parties,
other countries and call on complex including banks). Kenney also uses a
anti-fraud legislation, such as the An- variety of surveillance and sting oper-
ton Piller order (which allows his team ations to build up a picture of where a
to enter and search premises and seize conman is channelling his cash.

April•2015 | 109
ARCH ENEMY OF CONMEN

He also calls on a leading expert restitution. But at the request of the

on the psychology of business fraud, FBI, Kenney traced much of his laun-
Alexander Stein, founder of Dolus dered money – some of it had made
Counter-Fraud Advisors, to help him it as far as a forestry project in Papua
work out how a con artist’s mind New Guinea – and in a synchronised
works, the sort of people he’s likely series of raids on Down’s businesses
to rely on and what his weak points everywhere from the Caribbean to the
might be. “Fraudsters are very adept Channel Islands, Kenney was able to
in psychological manipulation,” says freeze $150 million in assets.
Stein. “So fraud recovery is psycho- Kenney was then double-crossed
logical warfare.” by the case’s class-action lawyers,
Ultimately, when Kenney’s team Ness Motley, who agreed to return the
has located a criminal’s assets, they cash to Down for a promised $4 mil-
freeze them via civil courts. They are lion cut. It looked as if the victims
then liquidated and the proceeds and Kenney would be seriously out of
given to the victims – with Kenney’s pocket – pushing his company, which
firm taking a cut for fees. had spent five years on the case, to
One of Kenney’s more challeng- the point of bankruptcy. But in 2003
ing cases involved Canadian James Kenney had the last laugh, suing Ness
Blair Down, who conned hundreds of Motley for $36 million, the largest
American pensioners in a $240 million payout of its kind in US legal history,

MARTIN KENNEY HAS A SUCCESS RATE

THAT IS ASTOUNDING: IN TWO THIRDS
OF CASES, ASSETS ARE RETRIEVED

telemarketing lottery scam. One old allowing him to return a large chunk
lady suffering from dementia became of the pensioners’ money.
so convinced she had won that she
invited local media to her house and M A R T I N KEN N E Y has a success
laid on a big party to celebrate. Of rate that, for the industry he’s in, is
course, she never received a penny. astounding: in two-thirds of cases,
Blair Down was found guilty of assets are retrieved. Consequently,
conspiracy to defraud in 1999, yet was fraudsters fear and loathe him. One
jailed for just six months because he conman, forced to the point of bank-
pleaded guilty and paid $12 million ruptcy by Kenney, “frothed and used

110 | April•2015
 READER’S DIGEST

many unkind expletives”, when they “It becomes personal when you get
met, Kenney recalls. “He explained the guy by the wallet,” says Kenney.
that he had lain awake at night, every “But it just washes over me. It doesn’t
night, thinking of ways to kill me!” In stick.”
Sao Paulo, Brazil, while taking on an Yet those on the right side of the
organised criminal gang, Kenney and law take a very different view of
his team were protected by armed Kenney. Fraud victim Mark Secrist
guards around the clock. says Kenney’s team contains “some
“Martin was accused of being an of the most remarkable men and
international economic terrorist ‘who women you could find on the planet.”
practises extortion by court order’ by Psychoanalyst Alexander Stein calls
the lawyers of one fraudster,” laughs him “brilliant, a trailblazer”. In June
Dan Wise, Martin Kenney & Co’s head 2014, Martin Kenney received the
of litigation. “People make very serious Cressey Award, the highest honour for
allegations and put the firm to a lot of a lifetime achievement in the combat
expense to defend itself. It’s part of against fraud from the Association of
their strategy to try to frighten us off.” Certified Fraud Examiners.
At present, Kenney is dealing with,
Puzzles See page 120 among other things, 14 massive
A Matter of Time Brazilian fraud cases – totalling more
It will never happen. The rockets will pass through
the crash point on the following years:
than $12 billion in stolen assets. He’s
ROCKET A - 3 7 11 15 19 23 27 31 35… also working on behalf of 22,000 vic-
ROCKET B - 5 13 21 29 37 45 53 61… tims of jailed Texas banker and cricket
Since the second series never shares any numbers
with the first, they’ll never crash. In mathematical
mogul Allen Stanford who operated the
terms, 4x+3 never equals 8y+5 for any x or y. second-largest reported Ponzi scheme
in world financial history. Stanford’s
M Creature Conundrum scheme took in as much as $8 billion.
O He was ordered to repay $6.7 billion.
C A T E R P I L L A R So far, only $72 million has been repaid
H while millions remain frozen in assets.
“I spend up to half the year away on
Simple Reckoning cases and conferences,” says the
(8 + 5 + 11) ÷ 4 = 6 or 8 + 5 - 11 + 4 = 6
divorced father of two, rubbing tired
Cryptogram eyes. “My second home is a seat on
Fools rush in where angels fear to tread.
American Airlines.” As he heads off
Double Definition Hidden Meaning for yet another pan-global investiga-
Meek Greek A. Man in the moon tion, yet another airport, there seems
Ration passion B. Downright nasty
Steady eddy C. A touching moment
little stopping the man known to
many as “the fraud buster”.

April•2015 | 111
 Smart Animals

Animals have an amazing sense of duty – protecting their

friends and family in ingenious ways

Protection League say to Dribbles, “I’ll take you out for a

ILLUSTRATION: BEN SANDERS

ANNE MARR walk later.” While I was working in the

We had two pets, Timmy, the border home office, she decided to help and
collie-terrier cross, and Dribbles, the took Dribbles out to the lawn.
tiny tortoise. Timmy was perfectly Unfortunately our young visitor didn’t
behaved while Dribbles, though only realise he needed to be supervised.
the size of a coin, was very clever. Being so small and with fast legs, he
One day, my 16-year-old daughter’s was easy to lose.
well-meaning friend Chris heard me “Where is Dribbles?” my five-

112 | April•2015
year-old son Abe asked me some I felt privileged to have witnessed how
time later. “He’s not in his tank.” this clever bird protects its family
After hours of searching to no avail from possible predators.
for Dribbles, Abe came inside. He was 
sitting on the sofa A Loyal Friend
crying, when I heard JEANNE JAYASINGHE
a muffled woof. It was Our German shepherd
Timmy. “That’s not your
He trotted Togo was pals with a
usual bark,” I said as I  straight into Japanese shih tzu
opened the door. living two doors away.
He trotted straight to
Abe and spat During some
Abe and spat something something out renovations, a
out on the floor at his on the floor at workman removed
feet. Dribbles was some fencing boards at
unharmed, Abe was his feet the bottom of our
delighted and Dribbles house. After this, the
was never left shih tzu gained access
unattended again. to our backyard by crawling through
the gap. When I returned from work
Stay Away! one Friday, Togo was missing. We
PETER ZIESING looked for him but he did not turn up
One morning as I was hanging out that night, nor the next day. We
the washing, a beautiful red called the animal shelter and were
wattlebird flew down from a nearby advised to report the missing dog to
tree and landed on the clothesline. It the council, so on Monday my
chirped at me. Having captured my husband called them.
attention, it flew down to the grass They told him a dog had been
where it limped around as if it was reported entangled on barbed wire
injured. Then it flew up in the air almost 2km from our house, and
before returning to the grass to feign another dog was not allowing anyone
injury in a strange dance. Eventually to approach. When my husband went
it returned to the tree. to check, he found Togo guarding the
I remembered seeing a similar shih tzu whose fur was entangled in
display on a David Attenborough the fence. Togo had spent the entire
documentary – the bird was weekend guarding his friend.
protecting its nest by trying to lure me
You could earn cash by telling us about
away. The male red wattlebird does the antics of unique pets or wildlife. Turn
this. The female must have been to page 6 for details on how to contribute
sitting on the eggs in the nest nearby. to the magazine.

April•2015 | 113
 BOOK DIGEST
Yasmin Othman in
ATELIER:
CONFECTIONARY
(Hardie Grant) guides
you through making
sweets that look every bit
as good as they taste.

Chocolate & Coconut

P HOTOS : GETTY IM AGES; THI NKSTOCK: EXTRACTS M AY BE EDI TED FOR SPACE AND CL ARITY
Turkish Delight
470ml water
400g sugar
60g cornflour (cornstarch)
5g unsweetened (Dutch) l Once syrup
cocoa reaches 120°C,
½ teaspoon cream of tartar remove from heat
1 teaspoon vanilla extract and slowly add to
20g desiccated coconut cornflour mixture,
whisking constantly
l Line an 18cm square tin with plastic until combined.
wrap. Return to heat.
l Pour 200ml water into a saucepan Gently simmer for
and add sugar. Place over medium 30–35 minutes, stirring all the time.
heat and stir until the sugar has The mixture will turn smooth and
dissolved. Insert a sugar thicken. Stir in vanilla extract and
thermometer, raise heat and cook simmer for a further 5 minutes.
PHOTO/ILLUSTRATION CREDIT

until the syrup reaches 120°C. l Spoon into prepared tin and level
l Meanwhile, pour the remaining the top. Cover with more plastic wrap
water into another saucepan, add and cool at room temperature for at
cornflour, cocoa and cream of tartar least 6–8 hours, preferably overnight.
and stir well ensuring that there are l Peel off plastic wrap and sprinkle
no lumps. Place over heat and bring with coconut. Turn out, cut into small
to the boil, stirring until the mixture pieces and roll in more coconut. Dry
thickens and is smooth. overnight. Store for up to 2 weeks.

114 | April•2015
 In INDIA’S DISAPPEARING bowls of sweets and bottles of
RAILWAYS (Goodman Feil), mineral water. It can’t have been too
photographer Angus McDonald different from the way the Baroda
documents the working relics of royal family travelled, in the days
an intricate and effective transport when the line belonged to them.
system: A private sleeping compartment lay
“…The observation deck had just behind the observation deck,
windows at the back and sides, and a galley and servants’ quarters
giving a panoramic view from the took up the rear. Kitchen staff kept
rear of the train. Inside were wood up a nonstop supply of tea, biscuits,
panelled walls and floral curtains, sandwiches, soft drinks, chips,
and a white tablecloth laden with cashew nuts and cake.”

In HUMANS: AN A TO Z (Canongate; Allen & Unwin)

Matt Haig presents his guide to one of the strangest species
in the universe:
ANIMAL Among humans this word generally means any Earth-
based animal except one.
PHOTO/ILLUSTRATION CREDIT

FUTURE Like the present, but better. (If you are young.)
GYM Torture chamber with willing volunteers.
KINDNESS Low-volume love.
UPGRADE The myth of progress channelled through marketing.
WRINKLE A permanent crease in the skin. Once a sign of age and
wisdom, but since the decline in the value of such things, the
prevention of the wrinkle is now
a multi-billion-dollar industry.

April•2015 | 115
Walter Isaacson in THE In THAT SUGAR BOOK
INNOVATORS (Simon & Schuster) (Macmillan), Damon
writes about how a group of Gameau crusades against
hackers, geniuses and geeks processed and
created the digital revolution: “healthy” foods
“…At his product launches, Steve laden with hidden
Jobs would conclude with a slide sugars:
projected on the screen behind him, “…It pays to know
of street signs showing the how to read a
intersection of the Liberal Arts and food label
Technology. At his last such carefully. When it
appearance, for the iPad2 in 2011, he comes to
stood in front of that image and understanding
declared, ‘It’s in Apple’s DNA that how much sugar
technology alone is not enough – we are actually
that it’s technology married with consuming, it is
liberal arts, married with the vital. The key with
humanities, that yields us the sugar is to know that 1
result that makes teaspoon equals 4.17
our heart sing.’ grams. (4 grams makes it easier
That’s what to calculate how many teaspoons
made him the of sugar you are consuming over
most creative a day.)
technology Take the label of a large bottle
innovator of of organic apple juice. It tells us
our era.” that per serving this drink
contains over 20 grams of sugar.
That’s 5 teaspoons in this serving.
But if we pour the suggested
serving – 200ml – into a glass we
realise what a small serving this is
– I would normally have double
that at least in one serving. So we
now have 40 grams or
10 teaspoons of
PHOTO/ILLUSTRATION CREDIT

sugar in a glass of
apple juice.
So don’t be
swayed by juice
labels that boast ‘No
Added Sugar’.
There’s enough
sugar in there
already!”

116 | April•2015 April•2015 | 116

MOVIE DIGEST

DIOR AND I Documentary

This documentary gives the viewer a backstage pass to the
artisan-filled world of the Christian Dior fashion house, with
a privileged, behind-the-scenes peek into the creation of
Raf Simon’s first haute couture collection. Combining the
everyday, chaotic elements of fashion with a look back at
the brand’s mysterious yet iconic past, the film is a vibrant
homage to the team who serve Simon’s vision and continue
to inspire the Dior legacy.

FAR FROM THE MADDING CROWD

Drama
In Victorian England, the beautiful,
independent and headstrong Bathsheba
Everdene (Carey Mulligan) has attracted the
fancy of three very different suitors. Based on
Thomas Hardy’s acclaimed novel, this timeless
tale of Bathsheba’s choices reveals ideas of
relationships and love – as well as the
importance of resilience and perseverance Bathsheba (Carey Mulligan) finds
during hard times. herself in a crowded romance

April•2015 | 117
Iron Man (Robert Downey Jr), Ultron
and Captain America (Chris Evans)

AVENGERS: AGE OF ULTRON Action

Here’s the second instalment of one of Hollywood’s most successful comic
adaptations. Tony Stark (Robert Downey Jr), aka Iron Man, re-starts Ultron,
an AI peacekeeping programme. Unsurprisingly for anyone who remembers
Skynet, things quickly get out of hand. Featuring an all-star cast, can the Avengers
stop the briliant Ultron from enacting its terrible plans and once again save the day?

THE AGE OF ADALINE

Romantic Drama
After enduring what should’ve been a
fatal accident, Adaline (Blake Lively) is
rendered ageless. Born at the turn of
the 20th century, she has remained a
youthful 29 for almost eight decades.
After running away from life’s
opportunities out of fear of revealing
her secret to anyone but her confidante
– her now elderly daughter – Adaline
eventually meets someone who may be
worth sacrificing her immortality for.

Hitched: Clarence Prescott (Peter J.

Gray) and Adaline (Blake Lively)

Q: What is the name of the leading lady

and enigma in Almost Famous?
Almost Famous
director
Cameron Crowe

118 | April•2015
 DVD

THE WATER DIVINER Historical Drama

Four years after the devastating Battle of Gallipoli in World War I, an Australian
farmer, Connor (Russell Crowe), travels to Turkey to discover the fate of his missing
sons. After making a promise to his wife that she would see her sons returned,
Connor must travel across the war-torn country with the help of a Turkish Officer.
As Crowe’s directorial film debut, The Water Diviner gives us an alternative
perspective on the legendary battle of Gallipoli just in time for the centenary.

Princess Power A: Penny

Lane
Since its release in November 2013, Frozen has
taken over the Princess world – earning Disney
US$1.9 billion worldwide along the way. Aside
from being the highest-grossing animation
movie of all time, it has a grip on some other
amazing records.
n The music: its soundtrack has sold
almost 4 million albums
PHOTO/ILLUSTRATION CREDIT

n The DVD: Frozen was Amazon’s best-selling

children’s film based on advance orders alone.
n Then there’s the merchandise: from $699 Alfred
Angelo Frozen wedding dresses and Disney tours through
the Norwegian sites that inspired the film’s animators, to the
three million Frozen costumes sold and many more millions
of Princesses Elsa and Anna and Olaf the Snowman dolls.
Disney estimates Frozen had already brought in US$1 billion in
global retail revenue by November 2014.

April•2015 | 119
BRAIN POWER
TEST YOUR MENTAL PROWESS

Puzzles
Challenge yourself by solving these puzzles and mind stretchers,
then check your answers on page 111

45°

A Matter of Time
The rockets are orbiting around different suns. There is one point at which their
orbits would touch. Rocket A takes 4 years to make an orbit, while rocket B
makes one orbit every 8 years. How long before they meet?

Creature Conundrum
The letters in the phrase below can be rearranged to reveal
the name of an insect and its young, with the addition of the
letter T to connect them. Can you name the creatures?

T
HELLO AIR CRAMP
120 | April•2015
PUZZLES

8 ? 5 ? 11 ? 4 = 6
Hidden Meaning
Identify the common
words or phrases below.
Simple Reckoning
Insert simple mathematical symbols (+, -, ÷, x)
to solve this equation.

INW FOO HER EAD

MOON
ART USH EAN GEL A

LSR SFE OTR

Cryptogram
Hidden within this jumbled group of letters is a N
trite phrase or saying. Shuffle the groups of letters
around to find it. A
----- ---- -- -----
S
------ ---- -- ----- T
B
Y
Double Definition
Look at the words below. The aim here is to
replace each pair with two words of similar
meaning that also rhyme. For example “Unhappy
boy” would be “Sad lad”.

SHY ATHENIAN
---- -----
RESTRICT ARDOUR
AMOMENT
------ ------- C

BALANCED WHIRLPOOL
------ ----
April•2015 | 121
BRAIN POWER

TEST YOUR GENERAL KNOWLEDGE

Trivia
1. Which two signs of the zodiac begin 8. The 1959 film Behind the Great Wall
with L? 2 points and 1960’s Scent of Mystery were the
2. What celebratory carnival’s name only major films to utilise what short-
is derived from the French for “fat lived innovation? 1 point
Tuesday”? 1 point 9. What “sinister” trait was shared by
3. Mark Skid and the Y Fronts was the Fidel Castro, Queen Victoria and
original name of what 1980s band Napoleon Bonaparte? 1 point
who famously didn’t enjoy the 10. Women were first allowed to enter
beginning of the week? 1 point the modern Olympic Games in
4. This month marks the 1900. Which two ball sports
tenth anniversary of: did they compete in?
2 points
a. The wedding of which
high-profile Brits (a second 11. In what year did this
marriage for both)? decade begin? 1 point
b. The maiden flight of 12. Their real names
which craft, the largest are Salvatore and
of its type? Cherilyn, but by
c. The launch of which what monikers

COM P ILED BY GAIL MACC ALLUM; PH OTO: GETTY IMAGES

behemoth internet were the singing
sharing site? 3 points duo better
known? 1 point
5. In The Wizard of Oz
7. What were the 13. What type of article
is Glinda a good or bad first names of the
witch? 1 point of clothing is a tam
flight-pioneering o’shanter? 1 point
6. On a traditional Wright brothers? 14. What are the two
mathematical graph is the 2 points
vertical axis labelled x or y? main ingredients in
mayonnaise? 2 points
1 point

16-20 Gold medal 11-15 Silver medal 6-10 Bronze medal 0-5 Wooden spoon
following 0 inclusive. There was no 0 between BC and AD.) 12. Sonny and Cher. 13. A hat. 14. Eggs and oil.
BtGW and Smell-o-vision for SoM). 9. They were left-handed. 10. Tennis and golf. 11. 2011 (decades run from 1 to the
of Cornwall; b. Airbus A380-800; c. YouTube. 5. Good. 6. y. 7. Wilbur and Orville. 8. Smelly cinema (AromaRama for
ANSWERS: 1. Leo and Libra. 2. Mardi Gras . 3. The Boomtown Rats. 4. a. Charles, Prince of Wales, and Camilla, Duchess

122 | April•2015
 BRAIN POWER
IT PAYS TO INCREASE YOUR

Word Power
The Stumpers!
What words perplex us most often? The
dictionary team at Merriam-Webster revealed
some of the most frequently searched words on
their website, and a few of them may surprise
you. Answers on the next page.

1. paradigm n. – A: puzzle or 8. albeit conj. – A: such as.

problem. B: pattern or archetype. B: though. C: because.
C: fringe. 9. insidious adj. – A: treacherous.
2. malarkey n. – A: wild partying. B: known to a select few. C: coiled
B: foolish talk. C: habitual laziness. like a snake.
3. ubiquitous adj. – A: found 10. camaraderie n. A: good
everywhere. B: pertaining to a wife. fellowship. B: photographic memory.
C: spoiling for a fight. C: odd collection.
4. hypocrite n. – A: syringe. 11. touché inter. – A: “Bon voyage!”
BY EM ILY COX & HENRY RATHVON; ILLUSTRATION S: JILL CA LDER

B: overstatement. C: person who B: “Such is life.” C: “Good point.”

acts counter to stated beliefs.
12. conundrum n. – A: monotony.
5. louche adj. – A: quite
B: riddle. C: instrument in a convent.
comfortable. B: of doubtful morals.
13. pragmatic adj. – A: practical.
C: childlike or naive.
B: boastful. C: stuck in a rut.
6. didactic adj. – A: taking bold
steps. B: intended to teach. C: shrill 14. esoteric adj. – A: distrustful of
as crickets. foreigners. B: of fossil fuels. C: arcane.
7. holistic adj. – A: sacred. B: three- 15. schadenfreude n. – A: feeling of
dimensional. C: involving entire déjà vu. B: exact copy. C: taking
systems. pleasure in another’s misfortune.

IS IT IRONIC? HOW TO TELL

Calling a tall person “Shorty” is ironic. A police station being robbed is ironic.
Genuine irony requires an opposite twist. An unfortunate coincidence or event,
like rain on a wedding day, isn’t ironic – it’s just bad luck.

April•2015 | 123
WORD POWER

Answers
1. paradigm – [B] pattern
or archetype. “The wax
wings aren’t working –
I need a new paradigm for
human flight.”
2. malarkey – [B] foolish
talk. “Tell me why your
rather insidious of that wolf to dress
homework isn’t done, and spare me
up as my grandmother.”
the malarkey.”
10. camaraderie – [A] good
3. ubiquitous – [A] found
fellowship. “Despite dismal results,
everywhere. “I’m still not sure what
our team has plenty of camaraderie.”
the film is about, but the ubiquitous
11. touché – [C] “Good point.” “After
posters promoting George Clooney’s
new movie make me excited to see it!” Paul observed that I wouldn’t be so
broke if I didn’t buy Jimmy Choos
4. hypocrite – [C] person who acts
twice a month, I replied, ‘Touché.’”
counter to stated beliefs. “She
[French “touched”, used in fencing.]
lectures about the importance of
12. conundrum – [B] riddle. “Driving
promptness and then shows up
late, the hypocrite!” into an Italian town is easy; finding
your way out is a conundrum.”
5. louche – [B] of doubtful morals. “If
13. pragmatic – [A] practical. “We
you would prefer a louche president,
by all means vote for my opponent.” need something more pragmatic than
rain dances to water our crops.”
6. didactic – [B] intended to teach.
14. esoteric – [C] arcane. “Our club’s
“Sarah couldn’t discuss being a vegan
without going off on didactic secret handshake is so esoteric that
tangents.” nobody can remember how to do it.”
15. schadenfreude – [C] taking
7. holistic – [C] involving entire
systems. “In order to see advances pleasure in another’s misfortune.
across the board, we need to take a “I felt a twinge of schadenfreude
holistic approach to improving our when the Oscar-winning actor didn’t
schools.” get a coveted part.”
8. albeit – [B] though. “Dad seemed VOCABULARY RATINGS
to enjoy our water-balloon prank, 5 & below: Language learner
albeit more after he dried off.” 6–10: Terminology trouper
11–12: Crackerjack communicator
9. insidious – [A] treacherous. “It was 13-15: Word Power wizard

124 | April•2015
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