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Reader - S Digest International - April 2015 PDF
Reader - S Digest International - April 2015 PDF
WINNERS
QUICK
FICTION
Q
REASONS TO
LAUGH
TALES OF STUPIDITY
DUMB CRIMINALS, BOSSES
AND POLITICIANS
THE SECRET
LIFE OF
YOUR SKIN
CRUSADER
HE MAKES FRAUDSTERS PAY
ONE QUESTION
YOU MUST
ASK YOUR DOCTOR
GHOST CREATURES
SHARE THE STORY
Talk About It
CONNECT WITH RD ON SOCIAL MEDIA
Every month we
hear from readers
about stories you
love, questions you
want followed up and
topics you’d like to
hear more about.
Now the conversation
has grown outside the
pages of your favourite
magazine.
Follow us on social media for
story extras, mag insights, and
ways to get more out of your
Reader’s Digest.
PHOTOS: THINKSTOCK
January•2015 | 17
Contents APRIL 2015
Competition
P. | 48
30 100-WORD STORY WINNERS
The 2015 winners of our pithy fiction contest.
Humour Special
34 HOW TO MAKE A RAT LAUGH
From rollicking rodents to the benefits of tickling
your funny bone, this is the science of comedy.
T R AC E Y M I D D L E KAU F F
40 DEAR TEACHER
Thirty years of teaching means you see a lot of
excuse notes. Here are some of the most honest,
ridiculous and hilarious. PAT R I C E R O M A I N
48 DUMB BEHAVIOUR
Whether it’s criminals, bosses or politicians,
these are some of the people who left their
thinking caps at home in very public ways.
Environment
56 GHOST FISH
The hauntingly beautiful sculptures that use
up one of the ocean’s greatest scourges.
SA L LY M C M U L L E N A N D A R U N A S
74
A dedicated teacher learns that the three R’s
can include Rrroar! H A Z E L F LY N N P. |
April•2015 | 1
Contents
94
APRIL 2015
P. |
Living Language
70 HOW TO SPELL PART 2
More tips for getting the letters in the right order.
D O N YA L E H A R R I S O N
104
Health
P. | 92 WHEN PATIENTS READ THEIR RECORDS
The benefits of note sharing. D R LEANA WEN
First Person
94 SAVED BY A CAMEL
How a desert safari set this woman on her life’s
path. A M A N DA J O N E S F R O M A N I N N O C E N T A B R O A D
Who Knew?
100 PUBLIC SPEAKERS TELL ALL
Secrets from the people behind the podium.
MICHELLE CROUCH
True Crime
104 ARCH ENEMY OF CONMEN
This lawyer’s dogged determination is a lifeline
for victims of financial fraud. N I C K RYA N
2 | April•2015
SUBSCRIBER
BONUS
EXTRA
32PAGES
?
TION !
S I SEC TION
ONU T ED
U P RB IN
R ISSUE
K O THE
THIS
C
U NLO TO ● They Save Kids
REGULARS HUMOUR
4 Letters 62 Laughter, the Best Medicine
7 Editor’s Note 72 Life’s Like That
8 Staff Picks 102 All in a Day’s Work
10 My Story
12 Unbelievable
14 Kindness of Strangers
THE DIGEST
79 Quotable Quotes 17 Health
112 Smart Animals 22 Food
120 Puzzles, Trivia & Word Power 24 House
26 Family
CONTESTS 27 Travel
28 Etc
5 Caption Competition
114 Movies & Books
6 Jokes and Stories
30 100-Word Story Winners
April•2015 | 3
Letters
READERS’ COMMENTS AND OPINIONS
Traveller’s Tales
I’m sure I used up all my “stupid” on
my first overseas trip – camping in
Africa aged 18 (“Treasures, Trinkets
and Trophies”, January). My husband
and I have photos of us sitting in tree
branches literally over the top of the
Victoria Falls, and canoeing at
midnight in Lake Malawi (crocs and hippos be darned, apparently). The
stupid souvenir story comes from the Maasai throwing knife I spent a
precious $3 on for my brother. Of course, we were searched by Kenyan
airport security. Fortunately, a British Airways stewardess intervened
on our behalf. I’m 36 now and have since travelled extensively, but still
haven’t told my mum any of this. NATALIE BARRETT-LENNARD, Br u c e Ro c k, WA
4 | April•2015
why RD would publish something
like this. After giving myself time to
calm down, I went back and read the
entire article. It is a wonderful story
of a family caught up in the hate
that is so common today and how
they managed to go on to make the
world a better place. Thank you, Zak
Ebrahim. WALT MOORE
WIN!
EMILY RALPH, L eichhardt, NSW
April•2015 | 5
Vol. 188
CONTRIBUTE
No. 1117 FOR DIGITAL EXTRAS AND
April 2015 SOCIAL MEDIA LINKS, SEE PAGE 2.
6 | April•2015
Editor’s Note
Telling Your Story Starts Here
EACH ISSUE, under the banner “My Story” we publish a short piece by
a reader. We invite submissions. We purposely give no guidance on
what to write about. Write about anything. Anything at all. It just has to
be from your own experience. And not too long. Oh, and something that
other people will want to read, of course. The style, the topic, the
mood… that’s all up to you.
A wide range of stories come in, by email and post. Many are touching
or amusing. But invariably the most memorable are the ones told simply
and from the heart. You don’t need to be an accomplished writer to
contribute or to have completed a creative writing course. In fact,
frequently the freshest and the most delightful are submitted by readers
who have never had any sort of writing published anywhere before. They
just have an experience that they cherish, and they set about sharing it as
if they are retelling it to a group of dear friends.
This issue’s “My Story: Evenings With
Dad” made an impression on us from the
first reading. If I told you it is about a young
girl and a father and an evening ritual
washing his hair comb, you’d be forgiven
for thinking that’s weird or mundane. But
PHOTOGRAPHED BY DA MIA N BEN NETT
April•2015 | 7
STAFF PICK
Oops. I blushed when I read the funny and outrageous excuses listed
in “Dear Teacher”, page 40. Now I realise that for all those years
when I turned up at school with wild stories about why I hadn’t
done homework, my teachers saw straight through me. Funerals for
elderly relatives? Tick. Family dog chomping its way through maths
equations? Tick. Lost bus pass? Tick. I’ve used them all, many times.
JOHN YATES, art director
8 | April•2015
Editor Sue Carney and I “met” the fish in “Ghost
Fish” (page 56) at a workshop/exhibition attended
by some of the artists. I had been looking forward
to it, but days before I tripped and broke my wrist.
Undeterred, I accompanied Sue to the event and,
under the brilliant if slightly bemused tutelage of
Florence Gutchen, made a brooch from washed-up
fishing nets. One hand is enough if you’re prepared
to use teeth! (Sue’s was better, but she was cast-free.)
The art is a wonderful solution to a dire problem,
I just hope that one day Florence and co. run out of
nets. DONYALE HARRISON, chief subeditor
A couple of years ago I went to see a GP and a bubbly tour guide, on top
who turned the screen to show me of Raj, a weary yet obliging
some blood results. While scanning the
screen I saw that a previous doctor
camel, Amanda discovers her
had written a note saying I had got true calling. Don’t miss “Saved
angry when she told me my cholesterol By a Camel”, page 94.
was high. I don’t think GP notes are LOUISE WATERSON, managing editor
a place for personality reports, so
I applaud the idea that doctors should I loved this issue’s Instant
let you in on what they are writing in
your medical files (“When Doctors
Answers on Tweens
Share Notes”, page 92). (Subscriber Bonus). As a
HANNAH HEMPENSTALL, subeditor mother of a high schooler,
I’ve first-hand and recent
So many journalists aspire to experience of those not-really-
writing travel features, but a-child/not-yet-a-teenager
few can draw a reader in like years. They’re roller coaster
Amanda Jones does when she times. But a wonderful
recalls, with great humour, adventure – especially in
her first adventure to India. hindsight!
As she is led into the Thar DARLENE DELANEY, ad support manager
April•2015 | 9
MY STORY
10 | April•2015
since I last cleaned it.” I looked at
him a while, then took the comb
and headed to the sink.
It’s a new comb. This one’s brown.
I hadn’t noticed that he’d changed it.
He used to have the green one,
then a pink one that he gave to me
as a present but took back when his
green one broke. I punch a few drops
of soap from the dispenser onto an
old toothbrush, and I brush the comb.
It hit me then: why, as a child,
helping my dad clean his comb was
such a joy. That routine meant that
my dad was home early to spend the
evening with Mum and I. It meant he
would watch TV with us or play a few
video games with me. It meant a
happy and loving family.
I pass the clean comb back to Dad.
He looks at it and smiles. But this
time, I notice something different.
My dad has aged. He has wrinkles
next to his eyes when he smiles, yet
his smile is still as heartwarming as
before. The smile of a father who just
wants a good life for his family.
Dad carefully places his comb on
top of his wallet. After so many years,
he still organises his personal items
back on track. Things are better in the same meticulous way. I guess
now. Yet the uncomfortable silence some things never change. And for
between Dad and me persisted. that, I’m glad.
PHOTOS: THIN KSTOC K
April•2015 | 11
Unbelievable
TRUE TALES TOLD TALL
Nury Vittachi tilts his head and wonders if dogs have all the answers
MY DOG spends hours visualising her “At least savour the thing!” I
dinner, licking her lips in anticipation shout, but she pretends not to
of it and walking in and out of the understand English. Besides, she
kitchen to catch the precise moment follows dog logic, which isn’t human
when it is served. And then she logic. For example, here’s how dogs
inhales it in ONE NANOSECOND. deal with problems: 1) Face
Slurrrp! Gone. whatever it is. 2) Slowly tilt your
12 | April•2015
head and look at it from a 45° angle. 5) When you buy a different brand
3) If it still remains puzzling, you go of pet food: “I am an extremely
off to the kitchen to see if any food discriminating diner and will eat
has magically materialised in your only the finest haute cuisine. Oh,
dog bowl. look! One of my old poops! Yum.”
The dog and I communicate well But there is one oddity about my
now that I’ve learned dog logic. For dog. When I try to play “fetch”,
example, when she scratches at my she won’t co-operate. She just looks
door, she is giving me a message: at the other dogs as if to say: “My
“Let me in, so I can go human spent five
back out again.” The gap minutes looking for that
between wanting to come stick. And now he’s
in and wanting to go out “My human thrown it away. See what
can be as little as ten spent five I have to put up with?”
seconds, and she minutes looking But dogs are nice.
sometimes stops half way for that stick. If I have an accident,
in or out for a head-tilt. she rushes to my aid.
Top five pieces of dog
And now he’s “You just fell off a
logic: 1) When someone thrown it away. ladder! Will a face-
passes within 20m of See what licking help?”
our door: “Everybody in I have to put Yet, be warned. You
the outside world wants will never have any
to kill us! Get ready for
up with?” privacy again, thanks to
attack!” the most annoying bit of
2) When visitors enter dog logic of all: “Hmm,
our home: “Please line up for the children are out and Mum and
security inspection. This will Dad have gone to the bedroom.
involve the temporary insertion of There’s nothing they’ll like better
my snout into your nether regions.” than for me to add to the fun by
3) When I take her out for walkies: jumping on the bed and barking!”
“Every day I find a beautiful new I have to stop here now. I did look
spot to add to my list of sacred earlier, but I want to check again
territories. And now I will urinate just in case anything new has
all over it.” materialised in the fridge.
4) When it’s time to clean the house: Not that I am picking up bad
“I fear nothing. I will give my life to habits or anything.
protect this household from danger
of any shape or size. What’s that Nury Vittachi is a Hong Kong-based
sound? A vacuum cleaner! RUN!” author. Read his blog at Mrjam.org
April•2015 | 13
THE KINDNESS OF STRANGERS
Sicilian Connection
BY C ASS I DY JAC KSO N -CARRO LL
14 | April•2015
Plans to take the Italian ferry
system for a quick 90-minute
jaunt went badly awry
appropriate at the time and cried. even gave up her room to me for the
The Italian men surrounding me night. Her father roused me early in
were in a conundrum of what to do the morning with fresh doughnuts
with a weeping blonde. However, the and drove me to the now bustling
head customs official quickly took ferry terminal. He and his work
command and rectified the situation. colleagues then bid me farewell and
He rang my Maltese friend from his good luck.
P HOTO: GETTY IMAGES
mobile and explained the situation. I’ve never forgotten the generosity
Then he took me home to meet his and complete kindness of this Sicilian
family. His wife and two teenage stranger. I am now pedantic about
daughters took me to a local festival reading timetables, and often give
where I was treated to pasta and customs officials a wink when I pass
gelato for dinner. The eldest daughter through borders. >>
April•2015 | 15
Sisterly Friendship BY J ESSI CA W U
16 | April•2015
THE DIGEST
HEALTH
HOT TOPIC
have more than one sexual partner. to 90% among young sexually active
It is the cause of 90% of genital people since HPV vaccination was
warts cases and a leading cause of introduced in 2007.
cervical cancer and cancers of the “It’s a success story you rarely see
mouth, throat, anus and penis. In in medicine,” says Dr Hammad Ali of
fact, HPV infections cause 5% of all the Kirby Institute.
April•2015 | 17
HEALTH
DIY CHECK-UP
18 | April•2015
HEALTHY HABIT
April•2015 | 19
HEALTH
World of Medicine
Fight Stroke with Fish Walking Groups Boost
People who eat more protein – Overall Health
especially from seafood – may be The British Journal of Sports Medicine
less likely to have a stroke, according has revealed that joining a walking
to survey analysis conducted by group is one of the best and easiest
the Nanjing University School of ways to boost overall health. Using
Medicine in China. The study, 42 studies involving almost 2000
published in Neurology, the medical adults across 14 countries, the
journal of the American Academy of researchers studied the mental
Neurology, involved seven separate and physical health consequences
studies totalling 254,489 people and of joining a walking group. The
found that eating just 20 additional studies involved participants with a
grams of protein every day lowered wide range of conditions, including
the risk of stroke by 26%. arthritis, dementia, diabetes and
Overall, the participants with the obesity. People in walking groups
highest protein intake were 20% less had significantly lower than average
likely to develop a stroke than those blood pressure, resting heart rate,
with the lowest amount of protein in body fat, weight, and total cholesterol.
their diets. The link was stron- Their lung power, overall
gest for people getting their physical functioning,
protein from seafood and general fitness
rather than from grains were also improved,
or red meat. Protein as was their mood.
and the fatty acids in While many people
fish lower blood pres- find it difficult
sure, which may help to stick to new
PHOTO: ADAM VOORHES
20 | April•2015
COMPLEMENTARY
April•2015 | 21
FOOD
22 | April•2015
A few simple rules to help
you get it right
Perfect Pasta
BY BAR RY H E R TZ
Although there are hundreds of
types of pasta, the average kitchen
only uses a half-dozen varieties. If
you’re going to stick to the basics,
why not do it right?
April•2015 | 23
HOME
Homebuyer
Beware
It takes an average buyer just eight promising property that
minutes to decide on a house – no isn’t on your list, see if
wonder almost 50% soon discover the sale board has a phone
problems. So why not take a few number or website link.
tips from the professionals?
LOOK ON THE DARK SIDE Visit
BE THE BUYER EVERYONE WANTS your dream house at night, in rush
You need cash, or a buyer for your hour, when it rains and – if you can
existing house who’s had all the – in extreme weather. Ponder how
paperwork, including mortgage and you’d feel if a neighbour extended
building survey, confirmed. This way their house and blocked a great view.
the agent will take you seriously. Find out the extent and level of the
last floods.
TRY BEFORE YOU BUY Rent for a
PHOTOS: THIN KSTOC K; GETTY IM AGES
while before settling in a new area or SEE BENEATH THE SURFACE Take
deciding on a different type of house. reference photos or videos during
A stay in the countryside in winter viewings, concentrating on what’s
or a historic town at the height of the expensive to put right – leaking
tourist season will soon reveal what gutters, damp walls, vertical cracks,
it’s like to live the dream. suspect wiring and infested or
rotting wood. Check the shower, gas,
HAVE A HOUSE-HUNTING HOLIDAY electricity and heating, and research
View several in a few days, and broadband speeds and mobile
get an offer in fast. If you spot a reception in the area.
24 | April•2015
Natural remedies for a pest invasion
April•2015 | 25
FAMILY
his funeral, my mother, his wife of back towards me. He said, “Sir, you
50-plus years, removed his wedding know, I have my father’s wedding
band and handed it to me. Surprised, band in my sock drawer at home, and
I placed the gold band on my left beginning today, I am going to start
middle finger, next to my wedding wearing it.”
band. There it has remained. I silently nodded, and the stranger
I told the stranger that I wear my quietly turned and walked back down
father’s wedding band to honour my to the parking lot. And I smiled.
26 | April•2015
TRAVEL
bull sharks, reef sharks, grey nurses Frightened of speed? Some of the
and the awe-inspiring tiger shark. world’s best desert dunes are in the
Wahiba Sands, a two-hour drive from
Frightened of heights? Take Muscat, the capital of Oman. With
a bungee jumping adventure up many about 100m in height, this is
a notch by diving head first into the perfect place for some extreme
sandboarding action. If you’re
not prepared to fly down the
dunes standing up, you can
warm up by tobogganing down
instead.
April•2015 | 27
ETC
3 Things That
Still Exist
BY COR E Y L E V I TA N
2. THE STAR WARS SET About 20 regions of Victoria, also use emergency
structures used to represent Luke alerting system (EAS) pagers. That’s
Skywalker’s home planet of Tatooine because mobile phone systems can
still stand in the Sahara break down due to
Desert in Tunisia. Most were overload and
built for 1999’s The receptor towers
Phantom Menace, but experience black
some date back to the spots.
original 1976 shoot. Alas, From Listverse.com with
Tatooine is facing the additions
28 | April•2015
Hours of
great reading
Don’t miss out!
Each issue packed
APRIL 2015
2015
WINNER
QUICK
FICTION
S
with real-life
drama, laughs and
|
Q
REASONS TO
THE WORLD’
inspiring stories.
LAUGH
S BEST LOVE
TALES OF STUPIDITYSES
SUBSCRIBE
DUMB CRIMINALS, BOS
AND POLITICIANS
LIFE OF
YOUR SKIN
CRUSADER
HE MAKES FRAUDSTERS
PAY ON RETAIL
|
E OCEAN
readersdiges
TERROR IN TH
D AND COLD
ALONE, TIRE
EXCLUSIVE EXTRA
ONE QUESTION
YOU MUST
ASK YOUR DOCTOR
FOR 12 ISSUES
SUBSCRIBER
BONUS
PAGES
EVERY
ISSUE
t.co.za
STORY
WINNERS
T he challenge was mighty: tell us a tale
using exactly 100 well-chosen words .
In this fast fiction contest there’s not a syllable
to waste. Every detail needs to move the story
along so, by the end, the reader is left chuckling or teased
or – as we found with this year’s brilliant winner – simply
stunned. Read on!
30 | April•2015
WINNER
Catherine Ireland,
Johannesburg
Margaret liked everything just so.
And when she found out she was
expecting, she joyfully scrubbed
everything with renewed zeal.
But, the baby arrived, with soiled
nappies and milky possets. It was
all too much, even for Margaret.
She grew pale, thin and grim-
faced. Until, one Tuesday
afternoon she hit on the idea of
cling-wrap. So easy to wipe
clean...
She cling-wrapped chairs,
tables, cushions, toys and beds
until she was interrupted by the
baby’s crying. She probably
wanted changing, thought
Margaret. So she cling-wrapped
the baby and sat down with her
feet up.
The quiet was such a relief.
Catherine Ireland is a creative
director who lives in Johannesburg
with her husband, two children,
two cats, and two chickens.
She wins R5000.
April•2015 | 31
1 0 0 WO R D STO RY W I N N E R S
RUNNER-UP
Barbara-Ann Moore, Cape Town
THE JUDGES
Our team of editors
PHOTOS : THINKSTOCK
32 | April•2015
READER’S DIGEST
CREATIVITY
REIGNS!
To everyone who
entered the 100-word
story competition this
year: a big thank you.
With so many short
tales of mystery,
intrigue, tragedy,
humour and love to
choose from, picking a
shortlist and then the
RUNNER-UP eventual prize winners
was a delightful task.
Megan J. McAuley, Eastern Cape
We laughed at cheeky
Ella walked nervously down the aisle. She twisted plots and
looked left, then right. Should she forget the gasped at the chilling
whole thing and leave now, or should she crimes you sketched
keep going? This was quite important after out. But, above all,
all. She carried on walking. She was so
we applauded the range
confused. She was certain this was the right
place to be earlier but now she wasn’t so of ways you found to
sure. She tried to focus. She needed to get craft an entertaining
this done. She was almost at the end of the story in just a few
aisle now. She tried to see everything but precise lines.
she just couldn’t figure out where the
supermarket kept the candles she needed
for her son’s birthday party. AND REMEMBER:
Reader’s Digest has room for
Megan Jessica McAuley is a student from dozens of stories, anecdotes
Uitenhage in the Eastern Cape. She hopes and jokes submitted by our
to publish a book some day. Megan wins R1000. readers across many sections
of the magazine. For how you
can share your experiences –
THE JUDGES SAID: and perhaps get paid for
We applaud the clever use of language that your writing – turn to page 6.
leads us down a foolish path. Stress lurks Nobody has a story quite
everywhere, indeed. like yours!
April•2015 | 33
22 HUMOUR
PAGE SPECIAL
HOW
TO MAKE A
RAT
LAUGH …and other little-known facts
about humour
BY TRAC EY M ID D LEKAUFF
November•2014
|
35
H O W T O M A K E A R AT L A U G H
Reader’s Digest: What’s the oldest hand, they’re terribly cute. On the
joke in the world? other, they’re just a handful of gen-
We can’t know the oldest joke in the erations from hunting you down on
world because it would have existed the African savannah. So, maybe they
prior to writing, as Christie Davies, do think about murdering us all day.
professor of sociology at the Uni- That, I contend, is funny.”
versity of Reading in the UK, points
out. The oldest joke book that’s been RD: Can animals laugh?
found so far, the Greek Philogelos As it turns out, there’s a quite a bit of
(“Laughter-Lover”) dates from the 4th funny business going on in the animal
century AD, although the jokes date kingdom. Not only do apes and dogs
from an earlier time. According to laugh, says Weems, but so do rats. And
psychologist Steve Wilson, director of what do rats find so funny? Tickling!
National Humor Month (April in the According to Weems, the best way to
US), it contains 265 jokes, including get a rat to laugh is to tickle it. “Just
this zinger: “‘A man goes to the barber. use your fingers to tickle the rat’s belly
The barber asks how he would like his like you might with a baby,” he says.
hair cut. The man replies, ‘Silently.’”
RD: Do babies have a sense of
RD: Why are “funny” cat videos so humour?
much more popular than, say, dog Weems believes they have a rich
videos? sense of humour, albeit different from
The answer to this question may an adult’s. “Take peek-a-boo as an
lie in what many people perceive as example. Babies love it. That’s because
the inherent dark side in their feline there’s an age when seeing something
friends. “There was one meme where disappear is a little frightening. That
a kitten looked into a camera, with the jolt is followed by relief when we fig-
caption saying that it’s thinking about ure out that things remain there even
killing you,” recalls Scott Weems, cog- if we don’t see them. That surprise
nitive neuroscientist and author. “It and relief, to a baby at least, is a lot
comes down to conflict; we’re not like a great stand-up routine for an
sure what to make of cats. On one adult. In that way, humour says a lot
36 | April•2015
READER’S DIGEST
April•2015 | 37
H O W T O M A K E A R AT L A U G H
and director of the Humor Research one’s physical health, “It is a useful
Lab at the University of Colorado part of a cognitive-behavioural strat-
Boulder in the US, thinks that slap- egy aimed at being cheerful rather
stick is a universal form of comedy, t ha n depressed, a nd, of cou rse,
because it doesn’t rely on language to psychological states do inf luence
get its point across. “ All you need,” he physical health.”
says, “is the right victim.” And Weems says that laughter is the
best medicine, just so long as “it’s com-
RD: Do people tend to share a sense bined with a good dose of penicillin.”
of humour unique to their own He adds, “Laughter has been shown to
national identity? improve heart health, immune system
Sense of humour does tend to vary a response, and even pain tolerance.
lot by country, according to Weems. This shouldn’t be surprising, since we
It’s even been measured scientifically: already know that stress and anxiety
British humour tends to be absurd in have terrible effects on the body. So
nature, while American humour has why shouldn’t humour do the oppo-
an assertive or aggressive quality. One site? I think humour is best seen as a
study, Weems says, “had people from protective mechanism, something to
all over the world rate the quality of keep our minds focused on positive
jokes and found that Germans tend to things and our bodies free of stress.”
find everything funny.”
RD: How can humour help us cope
RD: Can laughter improve your with adversity?
physical and emotional wellbeing – Anything that can distract us from
in other words, is it really the best our cares and concerns, no mat-
medicine? ter how briefly, could be beneficial.
While laughter is no substitute for Wilson calls humour a “shock ab-
actual medical treatment, many ex- sorber”. He believes it can provide us
perts believe that it can have a posi- with a much-needed sense of balance
tive impact on one’s overall health and perspective when the going gets
and well-being. Davies contends that tough. “There is real value in comic
while laughter has no direct effect on relief,” he says. “A sense of humour is a
38 | April•2015
READER’S DIGEST
DIETARY DIATRIBES
The worst: I just spent $30 on apples at Whole Foods and then
dropped both of them! @MEGANAMRAM
How to cook the perfect amount of pasta: 1. Pour out how much
you think you need. 2. Wrong. @MITTENDAMOUR
April•2015 | 39
HUMOUR
SPECIAL
D EAR
TEACHER,
Priceless excuses written by
parents to their child’s teacher
BY PATRICE ROMAIN
FROM MOTS D’EXCUSE, L’INTÉGRALE
O
I LLUSTRATION : M ARISA MOREA
40 | April•2015
November•2014 | 41
DEAR TEACHER
write
Will psychotics who all
live together
For
Laughs
BY P E TER M E H LM AN
the author
of Mandela on the air, your show may survive long enough to become the
Was Late. sitcom of your dreams.
Producing a sitcom is a walk through a minefield. How to
navigate this minefield is a mystery roughly equal to man’s
44 | April•2015
rise to the top of the food chain. The and named something like All in the
good news is, through years of heady Modern Family Ties or Two and a Half
success and blistering failure, I can Mad Men. See? Right away, you’ve
(maybe) steer you towards a (slim) given the TV powers-that-be a familiar,
chance of sitcom glory. comfy-cosy feeling.
OK, let’s get to work. Forcing TV executives out of their
When conceiving your show, I comfort zone is risky. In 2004, I pro-
recommend borrowing (stealing) from posed a genre-bending show called
the past. TV executives won’t want you, The Ripples, about a couple who,
a sitcom novice, to reinvent the wheel through an ancient miracle, had been
– even though the sitcom wheel has married for 4000 years without ever
become square, rusted and divorced ageing. When I finished my spiel, the
from its axle. Your best bet is offering network executives looked at me as if
a sitcom reminiscent of previously I’d spoken out in favour of acid rain.
successful shows. Hence, I’d suggest a Now, once you have a wonderfully
sitcom set mainly in a suburban home derivative idea, try to boil it down to
April•2015 | 45
WILL WRITE FOR LAUGHS
46 | April•2015
READER’S DIGEST
both men and women. If you can get there were catchphrases that viewers
viewers to love one character, they will wound up saying in their own lives:
eventually fall for all the others. “Not that there’s anything wrong
The best example is how Jennifer with it.”
Aniston’s magnetic appeal to men and “Regifting.”
women elevated Friends into a mon- “Double-dipping.”
ster hit. I mean, really, don’t you think Larry has an acute ear for such
the other five characters, left to their phrases, as evidenced by the origin of
own devices, were pretty annoying? the now mainstream term shrinkage.
Julia Louis-Dreyfus brought a W hile writing the episode “The
similar (but brainier) Hamptons”, I had Jerry
appeal to Seinfeld with see George’s girlfriend
both her looks and her If you write topless. George gets so
comedic acting. upset, he demands to
Of course, finding a something see Jer r y ’s g irlf r iend
performer with Julia’s funny enough, tople s s . T hen L a r r y
appeal is difficult, but suggested a su r pr ise
don’t worry … casting you can get t w i s t w h e r e Je r r y ’s
comes much later. For away with girlfriend sees George
now, you need only to naked moments after
worry about your pilot
murder he’d been swimming in
episode. So when you a cold pool. I said, “Oh.
write it, just remember You mean George had
to describe at least one character with … shrinkage?”
words like gorgeous and/or the sexiest Larry said, “Yes, shrinkage. And use
two-legged mammal to ever walk the that word. Use it a lot.”
Earth. TV executives seem to like those And that, my friends, is how pop
adjectives – don’t ask me why. culture history is made.
Finally, I’d like to offer a tip that is a I know I said that was my last
personal favourite: think of your pilot suggestion for creating a successful
episode as a pop song with a great sitcom, but, actually, I have one more:
hook. Consider some of your favour- ignore all my tips, and write a show
ite Seinfeld episodes, and you’ll notice you would like to watch.
April•2015 | 47
DUMB
CRIMINALS,
BOSSES
& POLITICIANS
Ever worried you might have done
something stupid? It’s probably
nothing compared to the efforts of
these inept burglars, bizarre bosses
and blundering politicians. Of course
we’re laughing at these guys!
April•2015 | 49
DUMB CRIMINALS, BOSSES AND POLITICIANS
What DUMBiCRIMINALS
Don’t Know…
Check Out the Scene First witness, and police were soon in hot
50 | April•2015
READER’S DIGEST
he didn’t have money for the train with each one-tonne plate he added,
ticket, but he did have an idea. He his truck sank further into the muddy
would steal some cash from a fast ground. He tried for hours to shift it.
food restaurant, now closed for the When construction workers arrived
night, next to the station. Seeking a in the morning, he gave up: “You may
way in, he climbed onto the roof. All as well call the police. I’m stuck here.”
was going well until he slipped and If only he’d thought of unloading
got stuck between the exterior walls the plates from his truck.
of the station house and restaurant.
And there he stayed until 5am when Don’t Leave Any
a station worker heard his desperate Trace Behind
knocking. The fire department freed
the young man, and then the police
charged him with attempted theft.
P olice identified an admitted jewel
thief in Paris, and all because he
made the mistake of planting a kiss on
his hostage. The 20-year-old French-
April•2015 | 51
DUMB CRIMINALS, BOSSES AND POLITICIANS
codes. The woman talked and Pierre’s for driv ing under t he inf luence.
accomplice went off to steal the jewels Fortunately they didn’t have to walk
while he stayed with the hostage. He far to the interrogation room.
untied her four hours later – and gave
her a parting kiss on the cheek to “ease
her trauma”. The woman called the
police immediately and they swabbed
T wo men in the Russian city of
Dimitrovgrad decided to steal
computers and other equipment
her cheek for DNA. A few months later from an office. The masked crimi-
they got a match and the suspect, who nals tied up the night guard and
by this time was already in jail for began packing the computers. One
another crime, confessed. of them decided it was too dark and
turned a light on… except it wasn’t
52 | April•2015
READER’S DIGEST
April•2015 | 53
DUMB CRIMINALS, BOSSES AND POLITICIANS
54 | April•2015
READER’S DIGEST
T homas Thévenoud,
a member of the
French parliament from
had called pay-by-the-min-
ute fortune tellers, asking for
personal and political advice.
2008, didn’t last long as
the Minister of State for
Foreign Trade. Appointed
on August 26, 2014, he was
A Liberal Democratic Party
member of the Russian
Duma, Mik hail Degt yarev,
dismissed nine days later suggested that the Kremlin’s
after it was discovered iconic red walls be painted
he had what was euphe- white, to “Symbolise the pri-
mistically described as ority of high morale in our
“problems of conform- citizens’ and leaders’ every-
ity” with his taxes. “I day life in opposition to the
suffer from an admin- mor a l de c a de nc e i n t he
istration phobia” were West.” Excuse me?
April•2015 | 55
Ghost
ENVIRONMENT
Fish
56 | April•2015
Across northern Australia, a marine
blight is being transformed into
bright indigenous art
BY SALLY M c M ULLEN
P H OTO GRAP H E D BY ARUNAS
Diamond Scale
Mullet by Lynnette
Griffiths started out
as debris from
commercial fishing
April•2015 | 57
Lynnette
Griffiths’s Giant
Trevally is made
from discarded
crab pots, rope,
wire and twine
Georgia Curry’s
Mother in Law
Fish (above)
58 | April•2015
Artist Sue Ryan (above left) helps others turn washed-up rubbish into objects of beauty
can, it’s estimated, take up to 600 years the nets and free entangled creatures.
to decay. Many eventually wash up on Today indigenous rangers from 40 dif-
the beaches of northern Australia. ferent clan groups regularly scour
Twelve years ago, former prawn 3000km of isolated coastline rescuing
trawler skipper Riki Gunn set about endangered turtles, dugongs and other
establishing a marine conservation marine life for GhostNets Australia.
group to patrol the beaches, pick up Within months of the rangers first
beginning their work, piles of netting
built up. With the help of Queensland
artist Sue Ryan, who had been working
with indigenous artists around Lock-
hart River, Gunn set out to find solu-
Marion Gaemers’s tions to help dispose of them. Ideas
male (below) and poured in through a national compe-
female (far left) tition – to turn the plastic fibres into
Siamese Fighting everything from guitar straps to bags
Fish
and art installations – and soon Ryan
was organising craft workshops with
the Ghost Net Art Project.
Ryan couldn’t help but marvel at the
variety of colours, weaves and thick-
nesses of the fibres. “I was really excited
because it was completely different
from anything I’d ever worked with,”
she says. “It was also a great way of
raising awareness about the ghost nets.”
Today Ryan works with commu-
nities from the Northern Territory,
around the Gulf of Carpentaria and
April•2015 | 59
Zoe and Stan by
Zoe de Jersey
60 | April•2015
Ghost fish range
from centimetres to
several metres
Buni Buni
(left) is by
Nancy Kiwat
GhostNets Australia
patrols have found
and rescued over
300 trapped
turtles
Georgina
Allain’s ghost-
net sculpture
April•2015 | 61
Laughter
THE BEST MEDICINE
62 | April•2015
CLASSIC
I just typed “18 beers” into ONE-LINERS
my calorie-counting app In honour of the
and it uninstalled itself. most foolish month
of the year – April –
@SUMMEROFBENNY ON TWITTER
here’s a look back at some
great comedic quotes and quips:
April•2015 | 63
64 | April•2015
IT’S NEVER TOO LATE
HOW I RAN
AWAY WITH
THE CIRCUS BY H AZEL FLYN N
AS A KID IN THE BUSH, John Smyth didn’t have much chance to see the
circus in person, but he had a treasured picture book about life under
the Big Top. More than 60 years later, Smyth got to become part of the
Stardust Circus world, not as a tumbler or lion tamer – but as a teacher.
Back in 1999, the career high-school teacher decided it was time to retire
and, together with his wife Helen, embark on an epic journey around
Australia. They covered 33,000km in six months. When they returned,
Smyth found he missed the classroom, so came out of retirement to spend
another eight years doing casual teaching – but, eventually, his wanderlust
returned and he and Helen headed back on the road.
P HOTO: ARUN AS
April•2015 | 65
I T ’ S N E V E R T O O L AT E
66 | April•2015
READER’S DIGEST
April•2015 | 67
LIVING
L I V I N G LLANGUAGE
ANGUAGE
How
shares more tips for getting the letters in the right order
To
Spell (part 2)
T
HERE ARE GOOD REASONS for wanting to spell well. It means
you’ll never write a love letter where you talk about bathing in
your beloved’s barmy embrace for a start. But it’s harder than
ever to get things right in this age of near-instant communications
where electronic tools that are meant to help us can sometimes
actively hinder us – I can’t be the only one whose phone has
autocorrected “I’d love bolognese for dinner” to “I’d love baloney”.
68 | April•2015
READER’S DIGEST
LIVING LANGUAGE
Most of us have at least a few words write out whole sentences: “I bought a
we just never got right from the start. lamp in the bazaar.” “It was a bizarre
But there are some simple tricks to experience.” You may feel silly, but
help you improve things. Test these you’ll remember it.
out and let us know how you go.
End it Well
Pen and Paper Word endings are a common source
Research has repeatedly found of problems. Most words ending in -ic
strong links between handwriting also have a form that ends in -ally, so
and improvements in spelling and it’s logically, statistically and radically.
reading – even for dyslexic students. But then there’s publicly. My tip: just
How many times have you looked remember that publicly has the same
suspiciously at a word on a screen ending as privately.
then written it out on paper and “felt” There’s almost a rule for -able and
which was the right version? -ible. Whole words usually end in
Those of us who grew up writing able (likeable, collectable, foreseeable)
more than typing are lucky. We have while partial words end in ible (audi-
a backup memory of how a word is ble, incredible, permissible). But then
formed with our hands – where there you get accessible, and collectible is
should be an extra loop or where the also acceptable, so it’s not a firm rule.
“up” bit is. That still works when we’re Even common endings like -ed and
too tired to remember the order of the -ing can be confusing. There are a lot
letters with our heads. of great sites on the internet that will
That boring task of having to copy help you get them straight. If noth-
out the words you got wrong in a school ing else, remember that it’s dyeing for
test really does work. I use it for editing changing colour and dying for ceasing
on the Digest: whenever a new word to live, because that E is the difference
or name, such as mahoosive (sorry, not between hairdressing and tragedy.
joking, it’s on OxfordDictionaries.com)
or Joko Widodo comes along, I write it US or Them?
out ten times, or more if it’s really hard. Sometimes, we get it wrong even when
(Schwarzenegger took a page). we get it right. Most of us have at some
It means that I then have three ways point written the wrong hear or here,
of nailing it: I had to check the spelling even though we know the difference.
in the first place; I have the physical There’s a whole lot of clever research
memory of how the word is formed; to show why this mistake is easy to
and I have the memory of sitting there make and very hard to spot, so don’t
thinking, This is STILL boring. worry if you do it now and then.
For words that you regularly confuse, But if you have real problems with
70 | April•2015
READER’S DIGEST
knowing which one to use, look for your work aren’t going to be confused
little rhymes or patterns that will help by valor or analyze. They’ll just think
you: you hear with your ear, you go you’ve been an avid traveller in your
from here to there. Once again, the youth! Though if you start saying
internet is full of sites for spelling bees acclimate or aluminum, it will be
and teachers that have great tips you stretching our friendship.
can use. As always with
And then there’s the writing English, the
difference between most vital thing is
color and colour, jew- That boring task communicating your
elr y and jeweller y. message clearly.
American spelling has
of having to copy T h e r e ’s n o m o r a l
spread across large out the words you strength to being a
sections of the world, got wrong in a good speller, any more
while British spelling school test really than to being good at
still holds great ter- maths or tennis, so
ritories, and it’s ever
does work don’t beat yourself up
so easy to get caught if you just can’t get it.
between the two. It’s really not you, it’s
I’m going out on a personal limb the language and its extraordinary
here to say most of the time, it doesn’t complications. No less a mind than
matter. Albert Einstein declared, “I cannot
If you’re writing an essay for school, write in English, because of the
an advert for your company, or are the treacherous spelling.”
copy editor of a magazine, then yes, If you really struggle, get someone
you should pick one and stick to it. else to look over your work.
But for everyone else, people reading Or just use the phone.
For sale: one pair hardly worn dentures, only two teeth missing.
Never damaged by exposure to harsh chemical such as denture
cleaners. $100 O.N.O.
April•2015 | 71
Life’s Like That
SEEING THE FUNNY SIDE
72 | April•2015
LOL The Great Tweet-off:
Texting acronyms Kids’ Edition
can stump even
the best parents: A source of surprise, pain, comedy,
wisdom and everything in between,
this month we celebrate the joy
DAUGHTER: I got an A (mostly) of children.
in chemistry!
Sometimes, at night, after my son
MUM: WTF, well done!
has gone to bed, I go into my room
DAUGHTER: Mum, what and finish all my sentences.
do you think WTF means? PAULA POUNDSTONE @PAULAPOUNDSTONE
MUM: Well That’s
Experience the feeling of getting
Fantastic. kids ready for school by shouting
words like TEETH and SHOES into
MUM: What do IDK, LY &
an abyss whilst crying into a cup of
TTYL mean? tea. AMANDA @PANDAMOANIMUM
SON: I don’t know, love
Teach your kids to never give up and
you, talk to you later.
then see what happens when you
MUM: OK, I’ll ask your sister. take them to a toy store. Haha, you
Source: lifebuzz.com
lose again.
KALVIN MCLEOD @KALVINMCLEOD
April•2015 | 73
BEHIND THE NEWS
3
Life is improving for most people on
this planet: and if we can challenge our
assumptions things will improve even more
Myths About
the World’s
Poor
BY B I LL AND M E LINDA GATE S
BY ALMOST ANY MEASURE, the world is better off now than it has
ever been. Extreme poverty has been cut in half over the past 25 years,
child mortality rates are plunging around the globe, and many of the
countries that have long relied on foreign aid are now self-sufficient.
So why do so many people seem to think things are getting worse?
Much of the reason is because they’re in the grip of three deeply
damaging myths about global poverty and development. But the belief
74 | April•2015
Africa ascends:
Kids play at a
primary school in
Dakar, Senegal
November•2014 | 75
THREE MYTHS ABOUT THE WORLD’S POOR
that the world is getting worse isn’t that barely existed 50 years ago now
just mistaken – it’s also detrimental. includes more than half of the world’s
It stalls progress and blinds us to the population. This holds true even in
opportunity we have to create a world Africa. Since 1998, annual income
where almost everyone has a chance per person has climbed by two thirds
to prosper. – from just over US$1300 then to
nearly US$2200 today. Seven of the
PHOTO: (P REVIOUS PAGE) FREDERIC COURBET/COURTESY BILL & MELINDA G ATE S FOU NDATION
lacked running water, and we saw will be held back by war, political
people trekking to fill up water jugs; it realities (such as North Korea), or
reminded us of rural Africa. The guy geography (such as landlocked states
who ran Microsoft’s Mexico City office in central Africa). And inequality will
would send his kids back to the US still be a problem. But every country
for checkups to make sure the smog in South America, Asia, and Central
wasn’t making them sick. America (except perhaps Haiti) –
Today, the city is mind-blowingly and most in coastal Africa – will be
different, boasting high-rise middle-income nations. More than
buildings, cleaner air, and new roads 70% of countries will have a higher per-
and bridges. You still find pockets person income than China does today.
of poverty, but when we visit, we
think, Wow, most people here are
middle-class – what a miracle. You
can see a similar transformation in
2 Foreign Aid
Is a Waste
We worry about this myth. It gives
Nairobi, New Delhi, Shanghai, and leaders an excuse to cut back on aid –
many other cities. In our lifetime, the and that would mean fewer lives saved
global picture of poverty has been and more time before countries can
completely redrawn. Since 1960, become self-sufficient. Foreign aid is
China’s income per person has gone a phenomenal investment. It doesn’t
up eightfold. India’s has quadrupled, just save lives; it also lays the ground-
Brazil’s has almost quintupled, and work for lasting, long-term progress.
tiny Botswana, thanks to shrewd Many people think that foreign aid is
management of its mineral resources, a large part of rich countries’ budgets.
has seen a 30-fold increase. A new When pollsters ask Americans what
class of middle-income nations share goes to aid, the most common
76 | April•2015
READER’S DIGEST
Melinda Gates meets women and children in Dedaur in central India, January 2013
PHOTO: PRASHAN T PANJI AR/COURTESY BILL & MELINDA GATES FOUNDATION
April•2015 | 77
THREE MYTHS ABOUT THE WORLD’S POOR
78 | April•2015
Quotable Quotes
You can fail at what Caution:
you don’t want – so you cape does
might as well take a not enable
chance at doing what user to fly.
F ROM TOP: GILBERT CARRASQUI LLO/GETTY I MAGES . ANDREW TOTH/GETTY IMAG E S. CARLO AL L E G RI/CORBIS
LABEL ON A
you love. BATM A N COS T U M E
J I M C A R R E Y, actor
Rock bottom
FEAR IS THE
became
the solid LOCK, AND
foundation LAUGHTER THE
upon which I KEY TO YOUR
rebuilt my life. HEART.
J.K . ROWLING, STEPHEN STILLS, musician
author
April•2015 | 79
DRAMA IN REAL LIFE
DIRE
STRAIT BY C H ARLES AND E RS O N
FR O M FA I R FA X M E D I A
80 | April•2015
November•2014 | 81
I
DIRE STRAIT
IT’S MIDNIGHT and the Radio New tries to grab a rope. All he is wearing
Zealand broadcaster begins announc- is a yellow and blue stormline jacket,
ing the day’s headlines. The 11-metre track pants and boots. As soon as he
Easy Rider is punching into the tide hits the water his boots and pants are
as it nears the northwestern point of sucked off.
Stewart Island. It bounces over waves The sea temperature is 13°C. A man
and slides over their tips before slam- wearing a life jacket could survive up
ming down into the troughs below. to five hours before succumbing to
The skipper is at the wheel. The muscle fatigue, cramps and hypother-
news bulletin is wrapping up. “That is mia. But without a life jacket, in the
82 | April•2015
READER’S DIGEST
Foveaux Strait
April•2015 | 83
DIRE STRAIT
84 | April•2015
READER’S DIGEST
April•2015 | 85
DIRE STRAIT
“Hey man, thanks so much bro’,” Reedy said when he met his rescuer, Rhys Ferguson,
again. “I’m just glad you’re here,” the volunteer coastguard replied
He tries to untie the string from his WHEN THE SUN had first come up
wrist so that he can wrap it around his that morning he felt so much hope.
neck to keep his head It gave him warmth.
above the water. If No w, he c a n fe e l
he sinks he knows A man on a it t u r n i ng on h i m
the sea lice will eat a s it s k u l k s b ac k
his eyes first. But his boat speaks over the horizon. I
hands are too cold. words he will can’t fight anymore,
He cannot undo the Re e d y t h i n k s. He
knot. Then he sees
never forget: say s goodbye a nd
a plane flying high “SURVIVOR IN closes his eyes. He
above him. He tries THE WATER” has done enoug h.
to wave, he tries to He has done enough.
scream. It passes by. T hen he hea r s it .
86 | April•2015
READER’S DIGEST
EDITED EXTRACT FROM INTO THE BLACK (FAIRFAX MEDIA, 2014). © 2014 CHARLES ANDERSON
Irish police are being handicapped in a search for a stolen van, because they
cannot issue a description. It’s a special-branch vehicle, and they don’t want
the public to know what it looks like.
THE GUARDIAN
Mrs Irene Graham of Thorpe Avenue, Boscombe, UK, delighted the audience
with her reminiscence of the German prisoner of war who was sent each
week to do her garden. He was repatriated at the end of 1945, she recalled.
“He’d always seemed a nice friendly chap, but when the crocuses came up in
the middle of our lawn in February 1946, they spelt out ‘Heil Hitler’.”
BOURNEMOUTH EVENING ECHO
A young girl who was blown out to sea on a set of inflatable teeth was
rescued by a man on an inflatable lobster. A coastguard spokesman
commented, “This sort of thing is all too common.”
THE TIMES
April•2015 | 87
YOUR BODY
A Day in the
Life of Your
Skin
THRE E AL ARM SNO OZ E S , a leg
BY TERE SA D UM AIN
I’m thinnest around your eyes. At air sucks moisture out through my top
only about 0.05mm thick – half the layer, which makes me irritated.
thickness of computer paper – I get Dryness triggers an inflammatory
tiny tears in capillaries from all that response: immune cells as well as pro-
manhandling, making me look inflammatory proteins and other en-
discoloured and older. Make that 15 zymes go wild, activating itch receptors
eye rubs. that send signals to your brain. The
88 | April•2015
April•2015 | 89
A D AY I N T H E L I F E O F Y O U R S K I N
90 | April•2015
READER’S DIGEST
April•2015 | 91
HEALTH
92 | April•2015
prescriptions.
And 99% of the
patients wanted
the programme to
continue.
That day in the
emergency room
was a turning
point for me. Since
I started sharing
notes with my pa-
tients, they have
made dozens of
valuable correc-
tions and changes,
such as adding
allergies and tell-
ing me when a
previous medi-
cal problem has
b e e n re s o l v e d .
We come up with
access to notes would allow them to treatment plans together. And when
become more engaged in their care. patients leave, they receive a copy of
Many doctors resisted. Wouldn’t my detailed instructions.
open medical records inhibit what The record becomes a collaborative
they wrote about sensitive issues, such tool for patients, not just a record of
as substance abuse? What if patients what we doctors do to patients. When
misunderstood the notes? Would that patients see their medical records,
lead to lawsuits? What would patients there’s more trust and more accuracy.
ILLUSTRATION: PETER OUMAN SKI
April•2015 | 93
FIRST PERSON
SAVEDBY A
CAMEL
BY A MA N DA JO N E S
94 | April•2015
November•2014 | 95
S AV E D B Y A C A M E L
pensive designer suits that she wore below. Hitherto, surrendering hadn’t
every other day with a string of pearls been a large part of my life, and I was
– same suits, same pearls. Without fail convinced I’d fail spectacularly.
she would down an entire bottle of The drive from the airport was
wine at lunchtime alone in her office, surreal. It was early morning and
and following that she would go on mist, smoke, pollution and heat
the warpath. By 1.30pm, doom crept stewed to create a shroud through
through the halls like nerve gas. which everything emerged – first as
“I’m willing to give you another a shadow, then a shape, then reality.
96 | April•2015
READER’S DIGEST
Horned cows wove between ancient appeared to speak not at all. It turned
cars. A man squatted and defecated out that Ajay was an extremely tired
into the gutter. Bodies lay everywhere, teenager, and once we hit the trail,
sleeping on sidewalks, median strips, he would spend the days draped over
on rooftops and stoops. At stop signs, Raj’s hindquarters sound asleep while
maimed children appeared at the car I went it alone with my stalwart friend.
window with beautiful, insistent eyes Rather than the dread I had
and outstretched palms. It possessed expected to feel facing a week on the
an honesty and beauty that seduced back of a camel, once we struck out
me. I was in love with India within the into the hot, flat desert I felt a soaring
first hour. sense of freedom. I realised that I was
To reach the camels I was required unaccountably happy.
to catch an overnight train, which This didn’t last long. “Before we
meant wrestling a path through Delhi reach tonight’s destination,” Vini
train station, where it seemed all of announced 20 minutes into our trip,
humanity had congregated to take “I feel bound to show you a number
a nap with all of their belongings. I one surprise!” I would shortly learn
fought my way onto the train, and that springing “surprises” was Vini’s
eventually it rattled past human idea of hilarity. “Bikaner is the holy
humps sleeping trackside and onward home of Karni Mata temple! Guess
into the outreaches of Rajasthan. what animal is worshipped at the
I disembarked in a town called Karni Mata?”
Bikaner and was met by Vini, my “The cobra?” I ventured, hoping not.
guide. He was young and plump and “No!” said Vini, “There are 20,000
spoke in antiquated English with rats! They are fed every day by devoted
elaborate enthusiasm. It was as if every worshippers!”
comment he made was an astonishing My one great and primal fear is rats.
edict. “Now, Ananda,” (he never got my Spiders, snakes, sharks, public speak-
name right), “you shall present your- ing, nudity – none of these faze me as
self to your camel! You and he shall be much as rats. Perhaps I had died of
stalwart friends for an entire week!” plague in a past life.
My camel, Raj, which means “You must remove your shoes,”
princely, didn’t look very majestic, Vini whispered as he ushered me into
only ornery and mangy. Thankfully, I a marble room, the floor of which
would not be going it alone. A skinny heaved with a sea of rats. It was
teenager, introduced as Ajay, would sit tempting to yell, “Hell no!” and run,
behind me prodding Raj with his feet but I didn’t. I surrendered.
and a stick to keep him under con- Rodent faeces crunched under my
trol. Ajay spoke no English. In fact, he bare soles. Rats swarmed over bags
April•2015 | 97
S AV E D B Y A C A M E L
Accompanying us was
a camel-drawn cart fixed
with old aeroplane tyres,
enabling it to cross the
sands of the desert. On
top of the luggage sat a
cook and his assistant.
The cook had brought
a harmonium, a hand-
pumped organ, and he
played lilting Qawwali
music all day as the cart
swayed over the empty,
sun-scorched plains. The
soaring freedom and the
unaccountable happiness
returned, and I sat atop
Raj sucking in the purity
of grain; they climbed walls, they and peace of the wide-open spaces.
covered a fountain and eventually At night we would set up our tents
they dug their terrible claws into my while the cooks prepared dinner. The
pant legs and climbed upward. And I only way to wash was with a bucket
stood there and allowed them to. and small amount of water. There was
I left the temple feeling chuffed with no mirror, it was hot and dusty and
myself. I had not fled, I’d allowed the my hair and clothing were stiff with
creatures I feared most to use me as a sand. I had never been more dishev-
jungle gym, and, most satisfyingly, I’d elled – and never more content.
taken earnest temple-rodent photos Almost daily Vini would bring the
that I would present as a suggestion camels to their knees and scream,
for a fashion shoot location. I was so “Surprise!” One time the surprise was
pleased with myself that I didn’t even to climb enormous sand dunes under
use an antiseptic towelette to wipe my the cruel hammer of the midday sun.
feet before I shoved them back in my At the top of one, he started giggling,
PHOTO: GETTY IM AGES
shoes. Oh yes, I was in love with India. yelled “Surprise!” again and shoved
“Our dromedaries await!” Vini an- me off the edge. I tumbled ass over
nounced. “Release all thoughts of teakettle with my work camera in
creature comfort! The camel is now hand. It was ruined. There went the
your intimate acquaintance and your venerable magazine shoot.
tent will be your moving palace!” Another time we dismounted in a
98 | April•2015
READER’S DIGEST
tiny village. Often we would do this to camp as the sun was sinking with its
rest under the shade of the rare tree, usual crescendo of colours. I’d been
so I was typically unalarmed. Then nursing an idea since day three, and
several women grabbed me by the by this time it had come to full frui-
arms. “Surprise!” Vini screamed in my tion. India had pried open some life
ear. “These women feel that you dress lust in me. A dormant part of me had
like a man! They are going to attempt woken hungry and needed satiation. I
to make you attractive in a sari!” had, as travellers so often claim, had an
“Oh,” was all I could think to say, epiphany: I wanted to do this forever.
and I dutifully followed them into the Not roam about on camelback with
dark hut. I’m not sure if it was con- Vini forever, but I wanted to explore
scious spite or an innocent mix-up, the further reaches of the world, to
but they pulled out an item of clothing stumble about in the unfamiliar, to
that I doubt would have fit me when I place myself in trying situations in the
was ten and that had not been washed remotest of places, to walk among all
in a while. Maybe never. It stank. human conditions, to try to understand
The women surrounded me, and the importance of life, to be tested, to
frantically started stuffing and swath- be dirty and not care, to get lost and to
ing me into this thing. The choli be in places where mirrors didn’t exist
undershirt was tight. “I. Can. Not. or didn’t matter.
Breathe,” I told them in English and I decided to return to the fashion
they stood around laughing and magazine with the broken camera
nodding and clapping their hands and photos of a rat temple and quit
delightedly. I staggered outside and my job. And this is what I did (in the
Vini clapped his hands delightedly. morning, mind you; I was too chicken
Then I said, breathlessly, “I, Change. to face the fearsome one post-vino.)
Into. Men’s. Clothes. Now.” And that is how I became a travel
The most surprising “surprise” was writer.
when Vini decided we needed to race
our camels at full gallop. Unusually,
This is an
Ajay was awake and he flogged poor extract from
Raj into a gangly, awkward gallop. Lonely Planet’s
Bouncing around gracelessly, I deter- An Innocent
mined that posting to the trot was the Abroad: Life
Changing Trips
only method of survival, and so there I from 35 Great
sat, posting on a camel like some mad Writers edited by
Englishwoman, my laughter trailing Don George ©
behind us, equally mad. Lonely Planet 2014.
RRP US$15.99
On our last evening, we rode towards
April•2015 | 99
WHO KNEW?
Public Speakers
Tell All BY MI CHELLE CR OU CH
for others, not what they can do for because people lose focus. The
you. When you meet new people, sweet spot is any group of about 150 to
don’t make the mistake of marketing 200 people; that size allows you to
yourself. Instead, think about some- establish a collective crowd reaction.
7
one you know who would be helpful
to them. Connect two people, and Often I’ll pick out a person in
suddenly you’re a hero. the crowd who has a big sourpuss
100 | April•2015
8 I built my career by solicit-
ing exotic international
gigs where I had credibility
because I was an American
from Silicon Valley, the cradle
of information technology.
Meanwhile, I got credibility at
home because I was speaking
internationally. That one trick
made me an established
keynote speaker.
April•2015 | 101
All in a Day’s Work
HUMOUR ON THE JOB
102 | April•2015
SIT, BEG, ROLL OVER, MAKE CHANGE
I was driving home recently when I stopped on impulse at
a roadside vegetable stand. It was deserted except for a
sleeping German shepherd. I stepped carefully over the dog,
grabbed some vegetables, then opened up the cash box to
leave some money.
Taped to the inside of the lid was a note: “The dog can
count.” SUBMITTED BY CARLEEN CRUMMETT
April•2015 | 103
TRUE CRIME
104 | April•2015
At the heart of Martin Kenney’s determination are the
victims, and getting their money back
ARCH
ENEMY
OF
CONMEN BY NICK RYAN
PHOTOGRAPH BY JEFFERY SALTER
November•2014 | 105
W
ARCH ENEMY OF CONMEN
Chauvet pushed several hundred to blame for the lost money. “We
thousand dollars into the scheme needed to unravel the mystery,” says
and for a while things went well, with Chauvet. So a small group of them
Tradex’s monthly reports showing contacted Martin Kenney, a hotshot
healthy profits. fraud lawyer.
Then in March 2003, Ferdig wrote to Kenney, a Canadian based in the
say that the money had disappeared British Virgin Islands, was keen to
and that a trader he employed to bro- help. “Losing the money had sto-
ker his deals, Susan Lok, was to blame. len the investors’ dignity,” he says.
“It was an extraordinary surprise,” “Pursuing Ferdig to get it back would
says Chauvet. “But disbelief was swiftly empower them again.”
replaced by anger.” Some 327 investors, With Tradex in liquidation, Kenney
most of them ordinary people, had lost unleashed a blizzard of litigation.
a total of $21 million. “I was still young One of his investigators, a former US
enough to earn some of it back,” says Secret Service agent, began tailing
* NAM E CHAN GED TO P ROTECT P RI VACY
Chauvet, now 71. “But others weren’t Ferdig as he moved between Boca
so lucky.” Raton in Florida, London, Monte-
Ted and Dolores Landkammer from negro and other locations. Others
Santa Cruz, California, had invested waded through thousands of pages of
almost $150,000. “I’m a tough guy, but bank statements, telephone records
I felt pretty down,” says Ted, 84, a re- and other pieces of data. Kenney
tired probation officer. “Holidays, trips, knew that untangling Ferdig’s com-
all the things you dream about doing in plex fraud would take years. Most
retirement were out the window.” law yers would shy away from such
Chauvet and the other investors complicated and lengthy cases, but
were conv inced t hat Ferdig was Kenney is no ordinary lawyer.
106 | April•2015
READER’S DIGEST
Then in 1987 an associate stole most remarkable thing I’d ever seen.”
$400,000 from a company bank The pair formed an asset-recovery
account – using a card Kenney had firm together, Interclaim, which they
entrusted to him. Kenney was stunned ran until 2002, before Kenney struck
and upset. “To this day, I feel terribly out alone with Martin Kenney & Co.
responsible for what happened,” At the heart of his work are the fraud
he says, a solid figure in a pinstripe victims. “The media call [conmen]
suit. The shock was the first step on rogue traders, as if they’re something
Kenney’s path to dedicating his career nice, but they are vituperative charac-
to fighting fraud. ters,” he says. “People lose their edge
Soon after, while working at a New and faith in themselves when they’re
April•2015 | 107
ARCH ENEMY OF CONMEN
conned. It’s a violation – as bad or when she was just 18 and he was
worse than violent crime.” 61, put t ing her in an apar t ment
He recounts visiting one of his first purchased with his ill-gotten gains –
clients in hospital in 1992. The banker another laundering opportunity.
had had a heart attack after losing $2.8 Still, Ferdig managed to convince
million in a cheque fraud. “I will never the FBI that his trader employee
forget the terror that was visited all Susan Lok was largely to blame for the
over his face. He had been an ebul- fraud and she was imprisoned for ten
lient man with a great sense of hu- years in 2006. Ferdig was eventually
mour and self-confidence. But what arrested in California – where he was
was left was a crushed soul.” giving talks on angels to local groups
– and was jailed for 18 months for tax
ART FERDIG’S FRAUD had already evasion in 2008. But by now it was
claimed its first fatality – an investor clear that the 327 ordinary investors
from Maine had been wiped out finan- taken in by Ferdig’s foreign-currency
cially and committed suicide. But, a Ponzi scheme had lost their money
year into the investigation, Kenney was when new investors’ cash ran out.
tightening his net. He flew in forensic “He should have got 30 or 40 years,”
IT specialists to crack the server of one says Kenney.
of Ferdig’s shell companies – set up He continued to pursue the fraudster
with no function other than to launder through the civil courts and by March
investors’ money – and recover deleted 2013 he had seized back some $7 mil-
emails. Kenney discovered that Ferdig lion for Ferdig’s victims. Since Ferdig
had spent millions on homes, boats died in 2014, Kenney has been pursu-
and travelling by private jet. Much of it ing land owned by Ferdig in Jamaica.
was paid for with no-name credit cards, There is real satisfaction among
identified by number only, linked to se- the investors, says Chauvet, that
cret offshore bank accounts. with Kenney’s help they haven’t let
Ferd ig had a lso lef t beh i nd a Ferdig get away with his devastating
complicated trail of women, includ- dishonesty.
ing a Dominican girl he’d married “It means I’m no longer a helpless
108 | April•2015
READER’S DIGEST
v i c t i m ,” s a y s Te d
Landkammer.
DESCRIBED BY
Canadian Lawyer
magazine as having
a “Robin Hood repu-
tation”, Kenney is one
of the world’s leading
fraud hunters, able to
track down the con-
men and assets that
have eluded police or
government agencies.
Working on every-
thing from headline-
grabbing cases such
as Bernie Madoff (who
stole US$18 billion
from wealthy inves-
tors) to investigations
into corrupt insurers
and Russian crime
lords, Kenney employs
a multinational staff of
27 including multi-
jurisdictional lawyers
like himself, foren-
sic accountants and
handwriting experts. Kenney makes no apology for his uncompromising
Kenney usually oper- stance on financial crime and corruption
ates by becoming the
P HOTO: JEFF ERY SALTER
April•2015 | 109
ARCH ENEMY OF CONMEN
telemarketing lottery scam. One old allowing him to return a large chunk
lady suffering from dementia became of the pensioners’ money.
so convinced she had won that she
invited local media to her house and M A R T I N KEN N E Y has a success
laid on a big party to celebrate. Of rate that, for the industry he’s in, is
course, she never received a penny. astounding: in two-thirds of cases,
Blair Down was found guilty of assets are retrieved. Consequently,
conspiracy to defraud in 1999, yet was fraudsters fear and loathe him. One
jailed for just six months because he conman, forced to the point of bank-
pleaded guilty and paid $12 million ruptcy by Kenney, “frothed and used
110 | April•2015
READER’S DIGEST
many unkind expletives”, when they “It becomes personal when you get
met, Kenney recalls. “He explained the guy by the wallet,” says Kenney.
that he had lain awake at night, every “But it just washes over me. It doesn’t
night, thinking of ways to kill me!” In stick.”
Sao Paulo, Brazil, while taking on an Yet those on the right side of the
organised criminal gang, Kenney and law take a very different view of
his team were protected by armed Kenney. Fraud victim Mark Secrist
guards around the clock. says Kenney’s team contains “some
“Martin was accused of being an of the most remarkable men and
international economic terrorist ‘who women you could find on the planet.”
practises extortion by court order’ by Psychoanalyst Alexander Stein calls
the lawyers of one fraudster,” laughs him “brilliant, a trailblazer”. In June
Dan Wise, Martin Kenney & Co’s head 2014, Martin Kenney received the
of litigation. “People make very serious Cressey Award, the highest honour for
allegations and put the firm to a lot of a lifetime achievement in the combat
expense to defend itself. It’s part of against fraud from the Association of
their strategy to try to frighten us off.” Certified Fraud Examiners.
At present, Kenney is dealing with,
Puzzles See page 120 among other things, 14 massive
A Matter of Time Brazilian fraud cases – totalling more
It will never happen. The rockets will pass through
the crash point on the following years:
than $12 billion in stolen assets. He’s
ROCKET A - 3 7 11 15 19 23 27 31 35… also working on behalf of 22,000 vic-
ROCKET B - 5 13 21 29 37 45 53 61… tims of jailed Texas banker and cricket
Since the second series never shares any numbers
with the first, they’ll never crash. In mathematical
mogul Allen Stanford who operated the
terms, 4x+3 never equals 8y+5 for any x or y. second-largest reported Ponzi scheme
in world financial history. Stanford’s
M Creature Conundrum scheme took in as much as $8 billion.
O He was ordered to repay $6.7 billion.
C A T E R P I L L A R So far, only $72 million has been repaid
H while millions remain frozen in assets.
“I spend up to half the year away on
Simple Reckoning cases and conferences,” says the
(8 + 5 + 11) ÷ 4 = 6 or 8 + 5 - 11 + 4 = 6
divorced father of two, rubbing tired
Cryptogram eyes. “My second home is a seat on
Fools rush in where angels fear to tread.
American Airlines.” As he heads off
Double Definition Hidden Meaning for yet another pan-global investiga-
Meek Greek A. Man in the moon tion, yet another airport, there seems
Ration passion B. Downright nasty
Steady eddy C. A touching moment
little stopping the man known to
many as “the fraud buster”.
April•2015 | 111
Smart Animals
112 | April•2015
year-old son Abe asked me some I felt privileged to have witnessed how
time later. “He’s not in his tank.” this clever bird protects its family
After hours of searching to no avail from possible predators.
for Dribbles, Abe came inside. He was
sitting on the sofa A Loyal Friend
crying, when I heard JEANNE JAYASINGHE
a muffled woof. It was Our German shepherd
Timmy. “That’s not your
He trotted Togo was pals with a
usual bark,” I said as I straight into Japanese shih tzu
opened the door. living two doors away.
He trotted straight to
Abe and spat During some
Abe and spat something something out renovations, a
out on the floor at his on the floor at workman removed
feet. Dribbles was some fencing boards at
unharmed, Abe was his feet the bottom of our
delighted and Dribbles house. After this, the
was never left shih tzu gained access
unattended again. to our backyard by crawling through
the gap. When I returned from work
Stay Away! one Friday, Togo was missing. We
PETER ZIESING looked for him but he did not turn up
One morning as I was hanging out that night, nor the next day. We
the washing, a beautiful red called the animal shelter and were
wattlebird flew down from a nearby advised to report the missing dog to
tree and landed on the clothesline. It the council, so on Monday my
chirped at me. Having captured my husband called them.
attention, it flew down to the grass They told him a dog had been
where it limped around as if it was reported entangled on barbed wire
injured. Then it flew up in the air almost 2km from our house, and
before returning to the grass to feign another dog was not allowing anyone
injury in a strange dance. Eventually to approach. When my husband went
it returned to the tree. to check, he found Togo guarding the
I remembered seeing a similar shih tzu whose fur was entangled in
display on a David Attenborough the fence. Togo had spent the entire
documentary – the bird was weekend guarding his friend.
protecting its nest by trying to lure me
You could earn cash by telling us about
away. The male red wattlebird does the antics of unique pets or wildlife. Turn
this. The female must have been to page 6 for details on how to contribute
sitting on the eggs in the nest nearby. to the magazine.
April•2015 | 113
BOOK DIGEST
Yasmin Othman in
ATELIER:
CONFECTIONARY
(Hardie Grant) guides
you through making
sweets that look every bit
as good as they taste.
P HOTOS : GETTY IM AGES; THI NKSTOCK: EXTRACTS M AY BE EDI TED FOR SPACE AND CL ARITY
Turkish Delight
470ml water
400g sugar
60g cornflour (cornstarch)
5g unsweetened (Dutch) l Once syrup
cocoa reaches 120°C,
½ teaspoon cream of tartar remove from heat
1 teaspoon vanilla extract and slowly add to
20g desiccated coconut cornflour mixture,
whisking constantly
l Line an 18cm square tin with plastic until combined.
wrap. Return to heat.
l Pour 200ml water into a saucepan Gently simmer for
and add sugar. Place over medium 30–35 minutes, stirring all the time.
heat and stir until the sugar has The mixture will turn smooth and
dissolved. Insert a sugar thicken. Stir in vanilla extract and
thermometer, raise heat and cook simmer for a further 5 minutes.
PHOTO/ILLUSTRATION CREDIT
until the syrup reaches 120°C. l Spoon into prepared tin and level
l Meanwhile, pour the remaining the top. Cover with more plastic wrap
water into another saucepan, add and cool at room temperature for at
cornflour, cocoa and cream of tartar least 6–8 hours, preferably overnight.
and stir well ensuring that there are l Peel off plastic wrap and sprinkle
no lumps. Place over heat and bring with coconut. Turn out, cut into small
to the boil, stirring until the mixture pieces and roll in more coconut. Dry
thickens and is smooth. overnight. Store for up to 2 weeks.
114 | April•2015
In INDIA’S DISAPPEARING bowls of sweets and bottles of
RAILWAYS (Goodman Feil), mineral water. It can’t have been too
photographer Angus McDonald different from the way the Baroda
documents the working relics of royal family travelled, in the days
an intricate and effective transport when the line belonged to them.
system: A private sleeping compartment lay
“…The observation deck had just behind the observation deck,
windows at the back and sides, and a galley and servants’ quarters
giving a panoramic view from the took up the rear. Kitchen staff kept
rear of the train. Inside were wood up a nonstop supply of tea, biscuits,
panelled walls and floral curtains, sandwiches, soft drinks, chips,
and a white tablecloth laden with cashew nuts and cake.”
FUTURE Like the present, but better. (If you are young.)
GYM Torture chamber with willing volunteers.
KINDNESS Low-volume love.
UPGRADE The myth of progress channelled through marketing.
WRINKLE A permanent crease in the skin. Once a sign of age and
wisdom, but since the decline in the value of such things, the
prevention of the wrinkle is now
a multi-billion-dollar industry.
April•2015 | 115
Walter Isaacson in THE In THAT SUGAR BOOK
INNOVATORS (Simon & Schuster) (Macmillan), Damon
writes about how a group of Gameau crusades against
hackers, geniuses and geeks processed and
created the digital revolution: “healthy” foods
“…At his product launches, Steve laden with hidden
Jobs would conclude with a slide sugars:
projected on the screen behind him, “…It pays to know
of street signs showing the how to read a
intersection of the Liberal Arts and food label
Technology. At his last such carefully. When it
appearance, for the iPad2 in 2011, he comes to
stood in front of that image and understanding
declared, ‘It’s in Apple’s DNA that how much sugar
technology alone is not enough – we are actually
that it’s technology married with consuming, it is
liberal arts, married with the vital. The key with
humanities, that yields us the sugar is to know that 1
result that makes teaspoon equals 4.17
our heart sing.’ grams. (4 grams makes it easier
That’s what to calculate how many teaspoons
made him the of sugar you are consuming over
most creative a day.)
technology Take the label of a large bottle
innovator of of organic apple juice. It tells us
our era.” that per serving this drink
contains over 20 grams of sugar.
That’s 5 teaspoons in this serving.
But if we pour the suggested
serving – 200ml – into a glass we
realise what a small serving this is
– I would normally have double
that at least in one serving. So we
now have 40 grams or
10 teaspoons of
PHOTO/ILLUSTRATION CREDIT
sugar in a glass of
apple juice.
So don’t be
swayed by juice
labels that boast ‘No
Added Sugar’.
There’s enough
sugar in there
already!”
April•2015 | 117
Iron Man (Robert Downey Jr), Ultron
and Captain America (Chris Evans)
118 | April•2015
DVD
April•2015 | 119
BRAIN POWER
TEST YOUR MENTAL PROWESS
Puzzles
Challenge yourself by solving these puzzles and mind stretchers,
then check your answers on page 111
45°
A Matter of Time
The rockets are orbiting around different suns. There is one point at which their
orbits would touch. Rocket A takes 4 years to make an orbit, while rocket B
makes one orbit every 8 years. How long before they meet?
Creature Conundrum
The letters in the phrase below can be rearranged to reveal
the name of an insect and its young, with the addition of the
letter T to connect them. Can you name the creatures?
T
HELLO AIR CRAMP
120 | April•2015
PUZZLES
8 ? 5 ? 11 ? 4 = 6
Hidden Meaning
Identify the common
words or phrases below.
Simple Reckoning
Insert simple mathematical symbols (+, -, ÷, x)
to solve this equation.
SHY ATHENIAN
---- -----
RESTRICT ARDOUR
AMOMENT
------ ------- C
BALANCED WHIRLPOOL
------ ----
April•2015 | 121
BRAIN POWER
Trivia
1. Which two signs of the zodiac begin 8. The 1959 film Behind the Great Wall
with L? 2 points and 1960’s Scent of Mystery were the
2. What celebratory carnival’s name only major films to utilise what short-
is derived from the French for “fat lived innovation? 1 point
Tuesday”? 1 point 9. What “sinister” trait was shared by
3. Mark Skid and the Y Fronts was the Fidel Castro, Queen Victoria and
original name of what 1980s band Napoleon Bonaparte? 1 point
who famously didn’t enjoy the 10. Women were first allowed to enter
beginning of the week? 1 point the modern Olympic Games in
4. This month marks the 1900. Which two ball sports
tenth anniversary of: did they compete in?
2 points
a. The wedding of which
high-profile Brits (a second 11. In what year did this
marriage for both)? decade begin? 1 point
b. The maiden flight of 12. Their real names
which craft, the largest are Salvatore and
of its type? Cherilyn, but by
c. The launch of which what monikers
16-20 Gold medal 11-15 Silver medal 6-10 Bronze medal 0-5 Wooden spoon
following 0 inclusive. There was no 0 between BC and AD.) 12. Sonny and Cher. 13. A hat. 14. Eggs and oil.
BtGW and Smell-o-vision for SoM). 9. They were left-handed. 10. Tennis and golf. 11. 2011 (decades run from 1 to the
of Cornwall; b. Airbus A380-800; c. YouTube. 5. Good. 6. y. 7. Wilbur and Orville. 8. Smelly cinema (AromaRama for
ANSWERS: 1. Leo and Libra. 2. Mardi Gras . 3. The Boomtown Rats. 4. a. Charles, Prince of Wales, and Camilla, Duchess
122 | April•2015
BRAIN POWER
IT PAYS TO INCREASE YOUR
Word Power
The Stumpers!
What words perplex us most often? The
dictionary team at Merriam-Webster revealed
some of the most frequently searched words on
their website, and a few of them may surprise
you. Answers on the next page.
April•2015 | 123
WORD POWER
Answers
1. paradigm – [B] pattern
or archetype. “The wax
wings aren’t working –
I need a new paradigm for
human flight.”
2. malarkey – [B] foolish
talk. “Tell me why your
rather insidious of that wolf to dress
homework isn’t done, and spare me
up as my grandmother.”
the malarkey.”
10. camaraderie – [A] good
3. ubiquitous – [A] found
fellowship. “Despite dismal results,
everywhere. “I’m still not sure what
our team has plenty of camaraderie.”
the film is about, but the ubiquitous
11. touché – [C] “Good point.” “After
posters promoting George Clooney’s
new movie make me excited to see it!” Paul observed that I wouldn’t be so
broke if I didn’t buy Jimmy Choos
4. hypocrite – [C] person who acts
twice a month, I replied, ‘Touché.’”
counter to stated beliefs. “She
[French “touched”, used in fencing.]
lectures about the importance of
12. conundrum – [B] riddle. “Driving
promptness and then shows up
late, the hypocrite!” into an Italian town is easy; finding
your way out is a conundrum.”
5. louche – [B] of doubtful morals. “If
13. pragmatic – [A] practical. “We
you would prefer a louche president,
by all means vote for my opponent.” need something more pragmatic than
rain dances to water our crops.”
6. didactic – [B] intended to teach.
14. esoteric – [C] arcane. “Our club’s
“Sarah couldn’t discuss being a vegan
without going off on didactic secret handshake is so esoteric that
tangents.” nobody can remember how to do it.”
15. schadenfreude – [C] taking
7. holistic – [C] involving entire
systems. “In order to see advances pleasure in another’s misfortune.
across the board, we need to take a “I felt a twinge of schadenfreude
holistic approach to improving our when the Oscar-winning actor didn’t
schools.” get a coveted part.”
8. albeit – [B] though. “Dad seemed VOCABULARY RATINGS
to enjoy our water-balloon prank, 5 & below: Language learner
albeit more after he dried off.” 6–10: Terminology trouper
11–12: Crackerjack communicator
9. insidious – [A] treacherous. “It was 13-15: Word Power wizard
124 | April•2015
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