Conscious Uncoupling Guide

 
The Conscious Uncoupling

5 Step Process
A Free Guide for Therapists
By Katherine Woodward Thomas, M.A., MFT

Based upon the New York Times Bestseller
Conscious Uncoupling: 5 Steps to Living Happily Even After
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For information about how you can become a Certified Conscious Uncoupling Coach,
please go to www.ConsciousUncouplingInstitute.com.
A Better Way to Break Up
Those of us who’ve worked with individuals and couples for a while now know just how
bad a bad breakup can be. For studies show that a person going through a big breakup
shares the same brain chemistry as a person enduring the death of a loved one.
To your client, their breakup may feel like the end of the world. As though their well-being
and happiness will now forever be compromised, and they’ll never again experience true
love or any real joy in life. They may feel shaken to the core, disconnected from everyone
and everything they used to care about, perhaps even including you, as you may be
impotent to take away the depth of their pain.
Your client may report feeling as though he or she is simply going through the motions
without much motivation to do even the simplest of tasks, like take a shower or prepare a
meal. If the breakup happened a while ago, the client may notice themselves feeling worn
out by the unresolved resentment they’re carrying, the hurt feelings they’re still wrestling
with, and the anger left dangling between themselves and their former love.
Their friends are anxious for them to move on and, as much as they care about your client,
may no longer have the patience to listen more about it. In response, the client may put on
a smile, yet secretly feel like the walking wounded, just going through the motions to get
through one more day.
Tempted to create a negative bond to replace the positive one they once shared, they may
be inclined to move from a soul-mate to a soul-hate connection. For outside of conscious
awareness, the compulsion to stay attached at all costs will take over and they may begin
obsessively ruminating about their former partner, which will serve to keep them highly
engaged in largely antagonistic and toxic ways.
At this point, if the impulse to stay bonded at all costs is strong enough, your client may
even begin to act out in hostile and mean spirited ways that are atypical from how they
normally behave. They may lash out to try to hurt the one who’s hurt them. Or do things
they could later regret such as gossip about their former partner in ways that could do
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great harm to that person’s reputation, social status, or professional standing. Maybe they
start cyber stalking their former partner, or even take nasty, retaliatory legal action
against them that is meant to bring punishment and pain. Forgetting that in doing so they
are also doing harm to themselves and their children if they have them.
Yet it doesn’t have to be this way.
There is a way for you as a therapist to help guide your clients through the end of a
romantic relationship with honor, respect, generosity and goodwill, and where no one is
left shattered or destroyed by the experience. It is also possible to help your clients
navigate their breakup in a way that fosters what Positive Psychologists call “post-
traumatic growth” rather than the all-too-common Complicated or Prolonged Grief we
find all-to-often in those who have had an “unconscious uncoupling.”
In the past, working with clients who are moving through the trauma of a breakup may
have been a bit of a guessing game, as you intuitively worked to restore emotional balance,
heal old painful patterns, learn life-affirming lessons, and transform the pain they’re in into
profound growth that will set them up to have greater levels of happiness and health
moving forward.
Yet, the 5 Steps of Conscious Uncoupling, made famous by a beautiful actress and her
talented musician former husband, and created by New York Times Bestselling Author
and LMFT, Katherine Woodward Thomas, are designed to be roadmap to recovery from a
bad breakup and to guide those who are having a hard time bouncing back in the
aftermath of divorce or breakup.
The Conscious Uncoupling 5-Step process

makes it possible to overcome breakup grief
and use it to transform and enrich one’s entire life.
The loss of an intimate relationship is a crossroads, and many will go on to live lesser lives
in the aftermath of heartbreak--untrusting of others, themselves and of love moving
forward.
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You know when you come across one of those empty shell people and where you think,  
what the hell happened to you? Well, there came a time in each one of those lives  
where they were standing at a crossroads. Some place where they had to turn left or right.  
This is no time to be a chicken shit.
—Sandra Oh in Under the Tuscan Sun
A breakup is also a rare, once-in-a-lifetime opportunity for a whole-hearted awakening

that may be bigger than any your client has ever known. And if well navigated, it can
actually liberate your client forever from any painful, toxic patterns they may have
struggled with in love, and catalyze a whole new level of happiness in life and love moving
forward.
Contrary to popular belief, time does not heal all wounds.

We do.
You want to treat your client’s broken heart with the same amount of care that a medical
doctor might offer the client if he or she broke their leg. For broken hearts, like broken
legs, need a lot of tending to in order to properly heal. Unless, of course, one doesn’t mind
if their heart heals a little too crooked, a little bit closed, a whole lot defensive, and way
too easily-bruised moving forward. Because that’s the heart’s equivalent of walking with a
limp for the rest of one’s life.
The stakes are high. Which is why I’ve created this powerful process to help people’s
hearts “break open” so that they are left whole, healthy, healed and free on the other side
of heartbreak.
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The 5-Steps of Conscious Uncoupling
Whether someone is going through a breakup now, or still suffering from unresolved grief
from a breakup in their past, the 5-steps of Conscious Uncoupling can help clients find
emotional freedom, reclaim their power and recreate their lives more beautiful than
before.
The following are excerpts offered from my New York Times Bestseller,
Conscious Uncoupling: 5 Steps to Living Happily Even After.
They are written in second person, as in the book I speak directly to the reader.
I invite you to read these excerpts with the eye of a clinician,
taking note of those practices you may wish to take your clients through.
—Katherine Woodward Thomas
Step One: Find Emotional Freedom
New life starts in the dark. Whether it is a seed in the ground,

a baby in the womb or Jesus in the tomb, it starts in the dark.
—Barbara Brown Taylor
Something has been broken and it’s more than just your heart. It may be your feeling of
being safe in the world, your ability to make sense of your life, or even your very faith in
life and love.
Whether you were the one who made the difficult decision to leave, or you are in the
devastating position of having been left, the losses you are facing are most likely many,
deep and dimensional.
The heart connection you called home. The shared rituals and routines that shaped your
daily life. The “you” you were in your relationship. Your standing in the community. The
certainty of your life together. And the future you were striving and saving for—all of
these and more things may now be gone.
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And in their place are a plethora of raw, wildly painful and unpredictable emotions, all
tempting to you behave in desperate or even hostile ways outside of who you’ve always
known yourself to be.
During a breakup internal alarm bells go off, and we become flooded with fight-or-flight
hormones that can render us unable to gauge consequences clearly. Because of this, we’re
apt to act in impulsive ways, sometimes without conscience and in ways that could end up
doing even more damage to ourselves and to others.
We want to have our emotions

but we don’t want our emotions to have us!
it’s important to remember that you (and your children if you have them) will be living with
the consequences of every action you take and every choice you make during this tender
transition, often for many years to come. Therefore, it’s critical you find a way to harness
the energies of the wildly dark and difficult emotions you may be experiencing such as
rage, hatred, fear and despair and transform them from destructive impulses to hurt
yourself and others, into the constructive drivers of positive change.
To help you begin, I offer a powerful practice from the New York Times Bestselling book,
Conscious Uncoupling: 5 Steps to Living Happily Even After. This practice can help de-
escalate the intensity of your painful emotions, support you to hold and contain your own
inner experience when you’re feeling overwhelmed, and help you to get back into driver’s
seat of your life so you can make wise and life-affirming choices for the benefit of all
involved, including yourself!
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Step One Practice:
Creating an Inner Sanctuary of Safety
In this version of the practice, I’ve added a component from the ancient Tibetan Buddhist
exercise of Tonglen, which is incredibly useful when the emotions you’re experiencing feel
as though they are more than you can bear.
1. Become Still. Find a quiet space to sit for a few minutes. If it is safe to do so,
close your eyes and take a deep breath, as though you could breathe all the way
down into your hips. Moving into a place of deep listening and receptivity,
become aware of the feelings and sensations in your body and release any
tension you might be holding.
2. Step Back From Your Feelings. Imagine being able to step back from your many
thoughts and feelings, and notice there’s a part of you able to simply witness
yourself having these emotions with a deep sense of care, compassion, and
curiosity. Notice that this witness within has access to wisdom and maturity and
is able to see what’s happening in your life from a larger and more well-
informed perspective.
3. Connect With a Deeper, Wider Center Within. Keep breathing. As you do,
become aware that there is a center within you that is deeper and wider than
the feelings you’re having, where you can know and experience, if only for a
brief moment, that you’re OK in spite of all you are going through.
4. Extend Love to the Part of You Suffering. From this deeper, mature and wise
center within, extend love to the part of you that is feeling overwhelmed with
negative emotions. Give this hurting part of you your full attention while
staying identified with your mature and wise witness self. Notice where in your
body you are holding these difficult emotions, and offer this suffering part of
you support and compassion.
5. Welcome In and Mirror Your Feelings. With deep kindness and compassion,
ask yourself the following question: 
“What are you feeling, sweetheart?” 
Listen closely for the response and then lovingly mirror it back by saying to
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yourself:  
“I can see that you’re feeling ______ (sad, enraged, hopeless, used, etc.)” 
 
Note: Try broadening your emotional vocabulary by stretching to name the
specific feeling you’re having. For example, rather than just saying “depressed,”
look to find a word that more accurately names your experience such as
“despondent,” “desperate,” or “hopeless.” (See list below to help you with this). 
6. Breathe Out a Blessing. For each feeling you identify, on your next in-breath,
breathe that feeling straight into the center of your heart, fully welcoming it,
and on the out-breath, breathe out a prayer and blessing for yourself and all
beings throughout the world who are suffering with this exact same feeling in
this very moment.
7. Name and Mirror Your Needs. Now, with deep kindness and compassion, ask
yourself the following question: 
“What do you need, sweetheart?” 
Listen closely for the response and then lovingly mirror it back by saying to
yourself:  
“I can see that you need ______ (love, closure, an apology, justice, safety, support,
comfort, to be seen, to be heard, etc.)”.
While it may be tempting to jump into action to try to fulfill your needs, please remember
that the simple act of attending to yourself is what’s most important. Not every need can
be met immediately, but all can be counted as valid and worthy of your attention. This is
particularly vital if the person you loved was incapable or unwilling to tend to your needs
or take them seriously.
Note to Clinician: You can actually do this practice with your client, inviting him or to close
their eyes while you lovingly guide them through the instructions, serving to ask the
questions and then mirror back whatever your client is feeling or needing. I also invite you
to teach your client how to do this for him or herself between sessions as this will practice
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will help to soothe difficult emotions and put your client back into the driver’s seat of their
lives.
To listen to an audio of this practice facilitated by the creator of  

Conscious Uncoupling, Katherine Woodward Thomas, please click here:  
Step One Practice
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Step Two: Reclaim Your Power and Your Life
Out with the old, in with the true.

—Jeff Brown
You may find yourself going over your breakup story again and again, laboriously trying to
piece together a narrative that weaves the fragmented, jagged and ill-fitting bits of
memory and information into one cohesive whole.
Ruminating upon the subtle clues missed conversations ill-timed and fatal mistakes only
now clear in hindsight, you will try to craft a story you can live with and that will go on to
become the legacy of this love affair.
Most likely your tale will be centered upon the multiple ways you were misunderstood,
mistreated, devalued and wrong. The victimized, blaming and shaming story of your love
will go round and round in your mind building momentum and gaining traction as you
struggle to figure out what went wrong, who is to blame and why.
Yet in your attempt to integrate the breakup into your overwhelmed and fragmented
psyche, the majority of your attention will likely be drawn toward pining blame, as you
carefully craft a grievance story that justifies your indignation.
For good reason too! Your former partner probably was selfish. She didn’t keep her word.
He was a cheat. She did let you down. What happened was most likely unfair and immoral.
However, here’s what’s more true.
As long as your attention stays fixated on what someone else did

or didn’t do, you’re not looking to discover all of the subtle, covert and toxic
ways that you yourself co-created what happened.
Even if the other person is 97% at fault,
you want to be really interested in your 3%.
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Why? Because until you figure out how you show up in ways that make you vulnerable to
being disempowered, disappointed, or abused in love, you won’t be able to trust yourself
to fully open up your heart again to another human being.
Your mission right now is to reclaim your power and your life. And that can only happen
when you are willing to see clearly all of the many ways you gave your power away, self-
sabotaged, turned away from truth, borrowed against your well-being, and showed up as
less than who you are.
The following practice will help you transform your victimization and resentment into the
power you’ll need to move forward in life fully confident that you will never again make
these same mistakes.
Step Two Practice:

Making Amends to Yourself Practice
To help you evolve beyond being a victim, and start making amends to yourself, I invite you
to take your journal and reflect upon the following questions:
1. What do you resent and for what? Notice the resentments you’re holding toward
your former partner (and anyone else involved in your breakup) and write them
down. Don’t censor yourself, or try to talk yourself out of your suffering, anguish,
and rage. Write it out as it lives in your body. (For example, “The bastard ruined my
life,” “The witch destroyed my capacity to ever trust anyone again,” “That thief stole
my final childbearing years from me.” “I hate myself for sabotaging my chance for
happiness.”)
2. What can you take responsibility for in each situation? Now step back and shift
your perspective. Recognizing that taking responsibility is not an admission that
something is your fault, nor the condoning of bad behavior, look to see how you
may have contributed to things happening the way they did.
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Ask yourself,
“In what ways did I give my power away to this person?”
“Where might I have skipped over my own knowing, dismissed my feelings,
or avoided telling the truth and/or asking for clarification?”
“How was I trying to get someone to love, want or approve of me more than
I was attempting to make an authentic connection?”
“Why didn’t I do what I knew I should have done that may have averted a
bad experience, and what made me hesitate to do it?”
“In what ways was I selfish, unkind, or even abusive that may have caused
my former partner to respond in defensive and destructive ways?”
3. What else has it cost you in your life to give your power away like this? Become
present to the cost of showing up in ways that belie your true worth, power,
intelligence, goodness and values. (For example, “Being unwilling to set appropriate
boundaries has trained everyone in my life to take advantage of me,” “By
withholding my truth and staying silent when I should have spoken up, I have
modeled being a doormat for my kids,” “By giving myself away to men who don’t
value me, I’ve deprived myself of being loved,” “By only going after men I believe I
can control, I leave myself unfulfilled time and time again.”
4. What amends do you need to make to yourself moving forward? Commit yourself
to the positive growth and development that would allow you to evolve beyond
these destructive and self-defeating behaviors. (For example, “I commit to honoring
my own feelings and needs as much as I honor the feelings and needs of others,” “I
will wait until I know someone well before becoming sexually involved,” “From now
on, I am going to negotiate on my own behalf rather than silently suffer being taken
advantage of,” “I promise to listen more closely to my own inner knowing and have
the courage to act upon my intuition.”)
The first thing that comes up for many of us when identifying new ways of relating that
would liberate us from old patterns is that we don’t know how to interact this way with
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others. Perhaps healthy ways of relating were never modeled in the home you grew up in,
or you were discouraged from learning basic skills that would allow you to assert
boundaries, resolve conflict or communicate your needs. Until now, you may have felt
powerless in the face of these limitations, as though held hostage by your own missing
development. Luckily, we human beings are ever-evolving creatures, and given the
remarkable gift of being able to learn new things at birth. With this in mind, I invite you to
answer the following question:
5. What new skills and capacities will you now need to develop to live this way
consistently? To make these amends, you’ll need to develop new skills and
capacities. See if you can identify exactly what they are and take on the challenge of
learning them. (For example, “I will learn to identify what my feelings and needs are
in order to share them with others,” “I will learn to negotiate on my own behalf to
stand up for what’s mine,” “I will learn how to set appropriate boundaries to ensure
I am not taken advantage of again,” and/or “I will grow my capacity to tolerate
disapproval from others in order to stay true to myself.”)
Note to Clinician: Help your client to self-reflect on him or herself as the source of her
experience without moving into shame and self-hatred. If your client begins moving
into self-blame, ask the client to notice what question they are asking themselves.
Questions like “What’s wrong with me?” or “How could I be so stupid?” are shaming
and will never lead to growth and evolution. Help your client to formulate an
empowering question that will facilitate growth instead.

Conscious Uncoupling, Katherine Woodward Thomas, please click here:
Step Two Practice
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Step Three: Breaking the Pattern, Healing Your Heart
If you don’t like being a doormat, then get off the floor.
—Al-Anon
You may be feeling disheartened by what appears to be a repeat of old painful childhood
hurts, as though you’re somehow cursed when it comes to finding happiness in love.
Yet, the sooner you can see how your life has been happening through you
rather than just to you—through the lens of your assumptions and beliefs,
and the automatic ways you then respond inside of those perspectives,
the sooner you’ll be empowered to graduate
from your disappointing patterns in love.
For understanding ourselves as the source of our experience means that we have the
power to start creating new and different experiences moving forward.
It begins by seeing your “source fracture story” clearly. That’s the story you created when
you were too young to know any better about who you are, and what’s possible (or not) for
you in love. It was the original break in your heart. And the beliefs you formed about
yourself, others and life in response to what was happening in your little world, are what
lies at the heart of your disappointments in love.
Step Three Practice:

Identifying Your Source Fracture Story Practice
 
Liberation from your painful patterns in love begins with seeing your source-fracture
story clearly. For once you make conscious the underlying beliefs that have been driving
you to duplicate your old painful patterns again and again-- wreaking havoc with your love
life, and preventing you from realizing your higher potentials in love, you’ll then have the
power to challenge—and to shift that story; awakening to a deeper truth about your value,
your power and your worthiness to love and be loved, as well as the possibilities you hold
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for happy, healthy love in this lifetime.
1. Become Still. Find a quiet space to sit for a few minutes uninterrupted. Close your
eyes, take a deep breath as though you could breathe all the way down into your
hips, and relax your body to the best of your ability.
2. Become Aware of Your Feelings Regarding Your Breakup. Become aware of the all
of the feelings you’re holding around this breakup. Notice where these emotions
are in your body. For example, “The emotions are like a burning in my solar plexus,”
“They are a heaviness on my heart,” “They are a hole between my shoulder blades
as though someone stabbed me in the back,” or “They are a lump in my throat
making it hard for me to swallow.”
3. Welcome in Your Feelings. Breathe deeply and notice the part of you able to
witness these feelings with deep compassion. Extend love to the part of you
experiencing these painful feelings, welcoming each one with a sense of kindness
and care. Repeat your Step One Practice, by asking yourself what you are feeling,
and tenderly reflecting back each of your feelings one at a time. Notice that in
doing so, your ability to step back and lovingly observe your feelings, rather than be
swallowed up by them, grows stronger.
4. Notice the Meaning You Are Making of Your Breakup. Let go of trying to figure
anything out from your mind, and drop your awareness down into your body,
becoming aware of the emotion center of all your difficult and dark feelings. As
though you could let the emotional center of your feelings speak for themselves
(not your mind), I invite you to answer the following questions:
“What am I making this breakup mean about me?”

For example, “I’m not loved,” “I’m not wanted,” “I’m alone,” “I’m disposable,” “I’m not
good enough,” “I’m inferior,” or “I’m a failure.”
“What am I making this breakup mean about my relationship with men/women
(whichever gender you’re attracted to)?”
For example, “Men always choose other women, not me,” “Women don’t like me,”
“No one really cares about my true feelings and needs,” “People only love me
because of what I can do for them” or “Men only want me for one thing.”
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“What am I making this breakup mean about the possibilities I hold for happiness in
love?”
For example, “Life doesn’t support me to have love,” “I can never have what I want,”
“My love life is cursed,” or “It is dangerous to let anyone get too close.”
5. Identify Your Source Fracture Story. I now invite you to weave these beliefs
together to name your source fracture story.
For example,
“I’m not enough. Men like other women more than they like me. There’s never
enough love to go around.”
“I am not valuable. Women just use me for what they can get and then dispose of
me. I have to work really hard all the time to try to prove my value.”
“I’m not worthy. Men leave me if I don’t constantly try to please them. My life is
empty and void of love.”
6. How Old Is This Part of You/How Big is the Energy Held in Its Center? See if you
can now identify the chronological age of the part of you that is stuck in this story.
This answer need not be literal, but more like a felt sense in your body of the age
you were when you first came up with this perspective.
Ask yourself,
“How old is this part of me that’s stuck in this story?”
For example, “I’m just a baby,” “I’m about 5 or 6,” or “I’m 12.”
Notice also how big the energy is that is being held in this center.
Ask yourself,
“How big is the energy that I’m holding here?”
For example, “It’s huge, taking up an entire city block,” “It’s extending about 6
inches out from my body,” “It’s a dense, black knot that is wrapped around my entire
heart.
7. Break State! Open Your Eyes and Shake It Out. To help you return to your strong,
adult self in order to challenge the meaning being made by your younger self, open
your eyes and shake your body.
Ask yourself,
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“What’s the best thing about being my current age as opposed to being me when I was
______ (the age you discovered you are at the core of that story)?”
For example, “I have a lot more choices than I had back then,” “I can set healthy
boundaries to protect myself,” or “I have a lot more resources than I did back then
and can get the help I need.”
Note to Clinician: Make sure that you help your client to stay identified with his or her
adult self and not become overly identified with the younger self that is holding the
false meaning. If this happens, break state, and invite the client to reflect on what he or
she had for breakfast that morning and then ask him or her about their strengths as a
wise and competent adult person.

Conscious Uncoupling, Katherine Woodward Thomas, please click here:
Step Three Practice 
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Step Four: Becoming a Love Alchemist
Freedom is what you do with what’s been done to you.

—Jean-Paul Satre
Steps One, Two and Three have all been about you getting right within yourself, and Step
Four is now about you getting with your former partner.
It is a true accomplishment to be at this point of your conscious uncoupling journey, where

you’re finally ready to clear the air of old hurts and resentments and move forward in life
with a clean slate, which is particularly helpful if you are raising children together.
Though it’s never easy to admit the negative impact

that our choices may have had upon another (intended to not),
and take the necessary actions to make amends, to do so is
the beginning of true liberation, moving you towards
your new life with renewed hope and possibility.
Whether you do this practice in person or as a “soul-soul communication,” where you

move into a meditative state and invite the spirit of your former partner to join you for this
dialogue, you may be surprised how effective it is to dissolve toxic residue, and set you
free to move forward with a light and unburdened heart.
If it’s necessary that you and your former partner stay connected and engaged on an on-
going basis—whether that be because you share children, are partners in business or
members of the same community, you may want to invite him or her to join you in this
practice after you’ve tried it on your own first in the following practice.
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Step Four Practice:
Clearing the Air Exercise
In order to dissolve the tensions still churning between you, you’ll need to be a lot less
interested in being understood, and a lot more interested in understanding the impact of
your choices and actions. A lot less invested in being right, and a lot more invested in how
you might actually make things right.
1. Understand the Sole Purpose of this Exercise is to Clear the Air. 

Recognize the purpose of this exercise is simply to clear the air of any festering
hurts and resentments between you and your former partner. As such, I invite you
to set aside the goals of getting your needs met, changing your former partner’s
mind, winning an argument, or resolving your irreconcilable differences.  
2. Identify the Active Hurts and Disappointments You’re Each Still Struggling With.  
I invite you each to list the hurts and festering resentments still incomplete for you,
even if apologies have already been offered.  
3. Become Willing to Take Responsibility for the Impact Your Behavior Has Had On
Others. 
Decide who will speak, and who will listen, first.  
For the Speaker: You’re invited to share the hurts you’re still struggling with and the
impact your former partner’s behavior has had on you. (For example, “I’m
devastated you lied to me, and I’m not sure I’ll ever trust anyone again,” “My self-
esteem is at an all-time low because of your constant put-downs and complaints,”
“I’ve not been able to sleep or eat for weeks because of how traumatized I am by
how suddenly you left.”)  
 
For the Listener: You’re invited to put aside your defenses, and strive to be present
and available to hear what your former partner is saying. Regardless of whether
you think he or she is telling the story accurately, try seeing the situation from his
or her perspective. Recognize that many of the ways we hurt each other are
unintended; we unconsciously repeat old patterns, we’re distracted, self-absorbed
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or simply assuming that others are like us. Whether you meant to hurt your former
partner is not the point. That he or she was hurt is all that matters. Set aside who’s
right or wrong (unless you can now see how you may have been wrong), and
become willing to take responsibility for the impact of your behavior. Don’t negate,
minimize, or dismiss what he or she is saying. Instead, be interested in discovering
how you may have contributed to and co-created the pain with which your former
partner is currently struggling.  
4. Let Your Former Partner Know What You Now See About the Impact Your
Behavior Has Had Upon Him or Her. 
For the Listener: Do your best to not interrupt the Speaker, unless you are
requesting more clarification about what he or she is saying. Allow your heart to
genuinely be touched by what your former partner is sharing about their
experience. Without explaining why you did what you did, or how the situation may
have impacted you, place your attention fully on him or her and extend a sense of
authentic care and concern for the impact your choices and actions had upon them. 
 
With deep humility and a willingness to tell the truth, mirror back to your former
partner what you can see about how your choices and actions impacted them and/
or others. 
 
For the Speaker: Do not move on until you feel that your former partner truly
understands the impact their actions and choices have had upon you, and others
that you love. 
5. Offer to Make Amends By Taking Wholesome Right Action. 

Past hurts don’t go away just because we feel badly about what we’ve done. Nor
does saying “I’m sorry” always restore wellbeing to the relational field. What
genuinely clears the air of toxic emotional residue is an amends that clearly intends
to restore wholeness to the situation.  
 
For the Listener: Consider the amends you can now make to your former partner.
While you can’t go back and undo the choices you’ve made, you can take
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wholesome right action to try to repair the damage that’s been done. For example,
offer to pay for what your mistakes cost the other, take steps to clean up a mess
you helped make, or make a promise to never do this again to anyone else in the
future.  
 
For the Speaker: Think on what would actually help repair the damage done by your
former partner and allow yourself to receive the restitution being offered. While
nothing can undo what has happened, an act of genuine contrition and retribution
can set you and everyone involved up to heal from this experience and move
forward unchained to the mistakes of the past.  
 
Once the Speaker feels complete, switch roles so that you each have an
opportunity to clear the air of hostility, hurt, and resentment.
Note to Clinician: If it is not possible for safe for your client to be in direct contact with his
or her former partner, you can help facilitate an imagined dialogue between your client
and that person. Using the principles of non-locality, doing this as an imaginary
conversation can also help to heal the festering wounds of resentment and anger with or
without both people present.

Conscious Uncoupling, Katherine Woodward Thomas, please click here: 
Step Four Practice
21
Step Five: Creating Your Happy Even After Life
It’s understandable to fight for a bigger slice of the pie,

But it’s admirable to fight for a bigger pie.
—Glennon Doyle Melton
In this fifth and final step of Conscious Uncoupling, you are supported to make wise,
healthy and life-affirming decisions as you take on the essential task of reinventing your
life and setting up vital new structures that will allow you and all involved to thrive in the
aftermath of your breakup.
Having been consumed with the many crises brought about by the loss of your
relationship, you may not yet be fully aware of the beautiful life that is awaiting you on the
other side of grief.
While your new life may look little like the one you left behind,
your goal is not to try to create a better version of what you once had,
but to expand what’s now possible to include fresh new horizons,
friends and interests—and the exploration of
forgotten, yet promising possibilities.
All leading you and those you love safely home to your happily even after life.
Below, you will find a link to several Conscious Uncoupling Rituals, both in written and
audio form, to help mark the end of your relationship in a way that honors the love you
once shared, and all of the good that came from your union--whether that be growth
gained, lessons learned, children created, projects birthed or happiness to the community
contributed.
Note to Clinician: Feel free to listen to these audios and be the one to guide your client
through the ritual that is most appropriate.
22
Conscious Uncoupling, Katherine Woodward Thomas, please click here: 
Step Five Practice 
23
As a professional therapist who had read through this  
e-book, you are eligible to receive a 5% discount on the next
Conscious Uncoupling Coach Training.
To find out more about how you can become a Certified Conscious
Uncoupling Coach and receive CEUs in the process, please go to
www.ConsciousUncouplingInstitute.com
When you apply, be sure to mention this e-book in the How did you
hear about us? question and receive a 5% discount on your training.
24
About the Author: 
Katherine Woodward Thomas
Katherine Woodward Thomas, M.A., MFT, is the author of the

New York Times Bestseller Conscious Uncoupling: 5 Steps to Living
Happily Even After and the national bestseller, Calling in “The One:”
7 Weeks to Attract the Love of Your Life, a licensed marriage and
family therapist, and teacher to hundreds of thousands of people
from all corners of the globe in her virtual learning communities.
She is the creator of the Calling in “The One”: 49 Days to Love online
course, the originator of the Conscious Uncoupling process and
creator of the Conscious Uncoupling online course and certified
coaches training. To date, Katherine has trained and certified
hundreds of coaches in her highly transformative work.
Katherine has appeared on The Today Show, the Mike & Juliet
Show and Good Day L.A., and her work has been featured in the
New York Times, The Los Angeles Times, The Washington Post, The
London Times, Time Magazine, The Wall Street Journal, People
magazine, Women’s Health and many other media outlets
throughout the world.
25

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The Conscious Uncoupling

By Katherine Woodward Thomas, M.A., MFT

Yet it doesn’t have to be this way.

The Conscious Uncoupling 5-Step process

—Sandra Oh in Under the Tuscan Sun

A breakup is also a rare, once-in-a-lifetime opportunity for a whole-hearted awakening

Contrary to popular belief, time does not heal all wounds.

Step One: Find Emotional Freedom

New life starts in the dark. Whether it is a seed in the ground,

We want to have our emotions

To listen to an audio of this practice facilitated by the creator of

Out with the old, in with the true.

However, here’s what’s more true.

As long as your attention stays fixated on what someone else did

Step Two Practice:

To listen to an audio of this practice facilitated by the creator of

Step Three Practice:

“What am I making this breakup mean about me?”

To listen to an audio of this practice facilitated by the creator of

Freedom is what you do with what’s been done to you.

It is a true accomplishment to be at this point of your conscious uncoupling journey, where

Though it’s never easy to admit the negative impact

Whether you do this practice in person or as a “soul-soul communication,” where you

1. Understand the Sole Purpose of this Exercise is to Clear the Air.

5. Offer to Make Amends By Taking Wholesome Right Action.

To listen to an audio of this practice facilitated by the creator of

It’s understandable to fight for a bigger slice of the pie,

Katherine Woodward Thomas, M.A., MFT, is the author of the

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To listen to an audio of this practice facilitated by the creator of  

To listen to an audio of this practice facilitated by the creator of  

To listen to an audio of this practice facilitated by the creator of  

1. Understand the Sole Purpose of this Exercise is to Clear the Air. 

5. Offer to Make Amends By Taking Wholesome Right Action. 

To listen to an audio of this practice facilitated by the creator of  