Light

Action Sound Action .

Cue

High .

Fidelity .

Music by Tom Kitt .

Lyrics by Amanda Green .
Book by David Lindsay-Abaire .
Based on the novel by Nick Hornby .
and the Touchstone Pictures Film .
.
.
1 .
ACT ONE .
Scene 1 .
(Lights up on Rob at his stereo. He’s wearing .
headphones. Sensing the audience, he turns around, .
takes off the headphones, and addresses them…) .
ROB .
(holds up tape) .
This, in case you don’t know, is called a cassette. And yes, they .
still exist. I’ve used them pretty much my whole life to make mix- .
tapes. Very old school, I know. This one happens to be for Laura. .
I’m sorta in the dog-house with her, so…. .
But you don’t really need to know about that. What you do need .
to know is that the making of a great mix tape, like breaking up, is .
hard to do. You gotta kick off with a killer song, to grab attention. .
Then you gotta take it up a notch. But you don’t wanna blow your .
wad, so then you gotta cool it off a notch with something soulful. .
Also, you can't have two tracks by the same artist side by side, .
unless you've done the whole thing in pairs and . . . Anyway, there .
are a lot of rules. I still haven’t mastered them all yet, but…I’ll .
figure it out eventually. .
(and now the intros) .
Rob Gordon here. These are my records, currently organized, not .
alphabetically, not chronologically, but…wait for .
it…autobiographically. Yup, the order in which they were .
purchased. So way over there is middle school. That section is .
college. And this wall here is Laura. My life in vinyl. .
(re: room) .
I’ve got everything I need here. .
(sings) .
#1 THE LAST REAL RECORD STORE .
I’ve got my daily crossword & there’s coffee in the pot. .
I’ve got cable and a girlfriend who is pissed off but she’s hot. .
I’ve got records that it’s taken me a lifetime to amass .
And I play them on a system that will kick your system’s ass .
and if my life’s not perfect, .
if I’m anxious bored or sad .
Well today may be less shitty .
With whole chunks of not so bad .
And I wouldn’t change a thing about it! .
No - I wouldn’t want to change a thing! .
In a world that’s unreliable .
These are rocks on which to cling. .
Nothin’s great and nothin’s new .
But “nothing” - has its worth. .
.
2 .
ROB .
Meet the real go-getter .
With the thrift store sweater .
and the last real record store on earth. .
(An explosion of lights and music as the set .
transforms into the record store. A few .
customers mill about the store, flipping .
through record bins.) .
ROB .
This is my store, Championship Vinyl - strategically situated in a .
neighborhood that attracts the bare minimum of window shoppers. .
(sings) .
I get by, relying on the .
freaks who can’t survive .
HIPSTER (Andrew) .
Yo! .
FUTON GUY (Justin) .
Rob. .
GUY WITH MOHAWK (Matt) .
Wassup? .
ROB .
without their Japanese import .
or their Zappa forty-five. .
HIPSTER (Andrew) .
Yo! .
FUTON GUY (Justin) .
Rob. .
GUY WITH MOHAWK (Matt) .
Wassup? .
ROB .
They’re really kind of sad. .
Hell, I’d be making fun of them, .
 If it weren’t for the fact .
I’m really one of them. ALL .
Yes, if you’re into vinyl ah-ah-ah .
we’ve got ev’rything essential. .
I’m sitting on a business .
that has zero growth potential! .
.
3 .
ALL .
and I - wouldn’t change a thing about it! .
A to K rack, L to Z .
it’s dark and dingy, never crowded: .
all a record store should be .
ROB .
“for the serious collector..” .
“…who knows a record’s worth” .
Need a vintage Decca? .
Step into my mecca, .
ROB & ALL .
… it’s the last real record store on earth! .
(DICK, a forlorn but sweet discophile, .
stands behind the counter, singing along to .
the music inside his headphones.) .
DICK .
Ever since I lost control ROB (to the audience) .
That’s Dick. He works for me. .
it’s a Hiroshima of the soul. .
He’s listened to every record in this store .
Ever since we’ve been apart .
Twice. .
it’s a HIROSHIMA! of my heart. .
ROB .
What are you listening to, Dick? .
DICK .
Oh, uh, it’s the new Vivisection album I told you about. Never .
released here. Wanna listen? .
ROB .
No Dick, no Dick. That’s ok. .
(But Dick yanks the headphone out of the stereo .
system, gloomy music fills the store. The Pale .
Young Men respond.) .
(Rob tries to smile, and gives Dick the .
thumbs up. Then pin-spot on Dick as the .
song plays, he sings his inner thoughts.) .
MEN & WOMEN DICK .
Hiroshima of my heart... I want to find a love .
Hiroshima of my heart... a love to call my own .
Hiroshima of my heart... but I’m too weird and shy .
I guess I’ll die alone. .
.
4 .
ROB .
That’s nice, Dick. Cheery. .
(Dick smiles proudly. .
The front door is thrown open, and BARRY, .
a loud-mouth music snob enters .
accompanied by loud thrasher music.) .
BARRY .
Top five worst duets of all time! .
ROB .
Barry you’re late. .
BARRY .
Number one! Islands in the Stream Dolly and Kenny; Two! Say .
Say Say, Paul and Jacko; Three! Unforgettable, Natalie Cole and .
her dead old man; Four! Endless Love - Diana Ross and Lionel .
Ritchie; and taking it up the rear, as usual, Peabo Bryson and take- .
your-pick, that guy is a duet slut, he’ll sing with anyone! .
ROB .
(turns to audience and sings) .
what can I do? they came as temps .
but then they started showing up here ev’ry day .
it’s been four years, they just won’t leave .
they’ve never even asked me for a raise in pay .
and as I gaze across this filthy space .
I see insanity in ev’ry face .
Some days I think I should just torch the place .
but then I think, where would I go? .
find guys who prize the things I know? .
BARRY .
it smells like ass - .
ALL .
but even so… .
I wouldn’t change a thing about it! .
‘cause most other stores are crap! .
ALL .
buying music shouldn’t be like .
buying khakis at The Gap .
PALE YOUNG MEN / OFFSTAGE MEN .
don’t fall into the Gap! .
.
5 .
ROB, DICK, BARRY .
we’re the experts here on ev’rything .
 that’s anything of worth! .
ALL .
if you hate mass market .
bring your ass and park it .
at the last real record store on earth! .
BARRY & DICK .
(David Byrne/Devo/robot dance) .
This ain’t no Tower! ALL .
This ain’t no Tower! .
BARRY & DICK .
This ain’t no Coconuts! ALL .
This ain’t no Coconuts! .
BARRY .
And this ain’t no soulless sanitized corporate third reich fuckin’ .
Wal Mart! .
ROB .
Alright, Barry. .
BARRY .
Fuckin’ Wal Marts, man! They’re sucking the blood of the little guys! .
ROB .
No shit! .
(Silence. Sings) .
My rent check bounced. .
BARRY .
I live at home. .
DICK .
stayed up ‘til 4 watching Mary Tyler Moore .
ROB .
My girl holds out. .
BARRY .
My girl inflates. .
DICK .
I think I had sex once, but I’m not sure .
ALL .
the things I hope for seem so far away DICK .
so far away .
.
6 .
ALL .
I’m not too brilliant on the day-to-day BARRY .
what’s the day today? .
that’s why I come Monday through Saturday - .
and I wouldn’t change a thing about it .
my whole world’s inside this door .
where would I go, what would I do without it? .
this is all I’m living for. .
ROB, BARRY, DICK, 3 PYM OFFSTAGE .
“for the serious collector, for the serious .
who knows a record’s la la la knows .
worth” Woo-hoo hoo hoo .
ROB .
if you hate mass market .
bring your ass and park it .
ALL .
It’s the best - that’s final! .
find the finest vinyl .
at the last real record store --- .
(The customers file out over the following…) .
ROB .
(repeating in a round) .
we’ve got blues and soul and r&b .
we’ve got blues and soul and r&b BARRY .
we’ve got blues and soul and r&b ska, punk and new wave .
we’ve got blues and soul and r&b ska, punk and new wave DICK .
we’ve got blues and soul and r&b ska, punk and new wave hip hop rock and pop: .
we’ve got blues and soul and r&b ska, punk and new wave hip hop rock and pop: .
ALL .
and the only thing that we don’t have is…customers who shop! .
HIPSTER (Andrew) .
Yo! .
FUTON GUY (Justin) .
Rob. .
GUY WITH MOHAWK (Matt) .
Wassup? .
.
7 .
ROB .
(to Dick and Barry) .
Great day, guys. We made… .
(checks total on register) .
Nothing. .
(sings) .
I always dreamed someday .
I’d have this wonderful career .
I went where the music took me .
and oh God, it took me here .
ALL .
and they’ll write it on my tombstone - ooh ooh ooh ooh .
right beside my date of birth: ooh ooh ooh ooh .
part-time stoner .
went from clerk to owner .
of the last real record store on earth! .
BARRY & DICK & ALL .
 Wouldn't change a thing about it ROB .
last real record store on earth .
gonna get up on the roof and shout it! .
last real record store on earth! .
ALL .
but will it hold us all? I doubt it .
ROB .
and I - BARRY & MEN .
I- DICK & WOMEN .
I- .
ROB, BARRY, DICK .
I wouldn’t change a thi-ii-i-ng! .
I wouldn’t change a thi-ii-i-ng! .
I wouldn’t change a thi-ii-i-ng! .
ALL .
wouldn’t change a, wouldn’t change a, wouldn’t change a thing! .
wouldn’t change a, wouldn’t change a, wouldn’t change a thing! .
wouldn’t change a thing! wouldn’t change a thi-ii-i-ng! .
(Music button. Applause.) .
.
8 .
Scene 2 .
(As the opening number ends, Rob’s .
apartment appears, and Rob lands on his .
couch, with a beer in his hand.) .
ROB .
This is my living room. More records. Couch I’ve had since college… .
(Laura enters. She’s packing up her things .
over the following. She’s frazzled and .
apologetic, but determined.) .
ROB .
That’s my girlfriend Laura. We met four years ago when I was .
deejaying at the Billy Club. She requested I play Art Garfunkel’s .
“Bright Eyes,” which, in case you don’t know, will clear a dance .
floor in three seconds flat. But I played it anyway - .
because…well, because I wanted to sleep with her. .
LAURA .
(holds something up) .
I’m gonna take these if that’s okay. .
ROB .
That’s fine. .
(back to audience) .
She’s a lawyer, if you can believe it. Laura worked for Legal Aid .
when she moved in here, but she took a corporate job last month, .
so she’s all conflicted about selling out. I, however, was relieved .
that one of us can actually pay the rent. .
LAURA .
I’m almost done here, Rob. .
ROB .
She just told me she’s leaving me. I haven’t figured out if it’s a .
threat, or she really means it, so I should probably… Excuse me. .
(to Laura) .
You don’t need to do this, Laura. It was just a fight. .
LAURA .
Just another fight, you mean. That’s all we’ve been doing lately. .
And for the record, last night’s was especially ugly, I thought. .
(re: something on a shelf) .
I’m not gonna take this. Do you want it? .
ROB .
Not really. .
.
9 .
LAURA .
Me either. Where did this come from? .
ROB .
I don’t know. It was here when I moved in. .
LAURA .
Right. .
(stops, looks around, a bit overwhelmed, awkward) .
I don’t really know what I’m doing. .
ROB .
You don’t have to go, you know. You can stay until whenever. .
LAURA .
No, we’ve done the hard part. I should… .
ROB .
Stay the night at least. .
LAURA .
I can’t, Rob. .
ROB .
Come on, what are you— We love each other. Don’t we? .
LAURA .
Well that’s not really the issue, is it? .
ROB .
Not really the issue? What else is there? .
LAURA .
(back to business) .
The recycling goes out on Tuesday - I left a note for you on the .
fridge. And I changed the cat box, not that you’d notice. .
ROB .
We have a cat? .
LAURA .
Stop it, Rob. This is serious. .
ROB .
 I know it is. .
LAURA .
I’m not gonna take the mix-tapes, if that’s okay. .
.
10 .
ROB .
But I made those for you. They’re full of great bootlegs and Belle .
& Sebastian and Stereolab. .
LAURA .
Yeah, I don’t know those people. But thank you. .
ROB .
(to audience) .
I suddenly have a million questions. Is this definite or just a .
break? Is she doing this because of last night’s argument, or .
because I missed her birthday again? Is she still pissed I smuggled .
White Castle into her dad’s I.C.U. room? Where is she going .
exactly, and will she miss me at all? .
(beat) .
But I don’t really want those questions answered. So instead I ask— .
(turns back to Laura) .
Is it because of my job? .
LAURA .
Your job? .
ROB .
(to audience) .
Where did that come from? Of course it’s not about my job. .
LAURA .
(tender, sympathetic, takes his hands) .
Of course it’s not about your job. Why would you ask me that? .
ROB .
(to audience) .
Because I felt sorry for myself and wanted a little cheap affection. .
(back to Laura) .
I don’t know, I just wondered. .
LAURA .
Is that what you think? I’m leaving because you’re not fancy .
enough for me? Gimme some credit, please. .
(back to packing) .
I’m leaving because it’s time I sorted myself out, and I don’t think .
I can do that here. .
ROB .
Sure you can, just tell me what to do to make you happy. .
LAURA .
Nothing. Make yourself happy. .
ROB .
Oh, I see, and why am I not happy? .
.
11 .
LAURA .
I don’t know. I just know you used to be. And you seemed to like .
me. And your life. And you talked about the future. And you .
don’t anymore. And I don’t know why. .
(gathers up her things) .
Goodbye, Rob. .
(She goes. Rob looks after her, devastated…) .
ROB .
(sings) .
#2 - DESERT ISLAND TOP FIVE BREAK UPS .
oh God how did it come to this? .
oh Laura, Laura what did I miss? .
did you really just walk out the door? .
can it be that you don’t love me anymore? .
bet you think I’m gonna panic .
get all sad and weird and manic .
but if you want to see me suffer more .
then you should have got to me before .
oh Laura Laura... I pity you .
‘cause I’ve had a life of heartbreak you can never live up to. .
(to audience) .
My Desert-Island All-Time Top-Five Break-Ups --in chronological .
order. Number one- Alison Ashworth - Sixth Grade Crush! .
(Alison, his first love, appears.) .
ALISON .
“Betrayal on the Playground.” .
ROB .
You slut! .
(next) .
Two - Penny Hardwick - High School Sweetheart! .
(Penny, high-school sweetheart appears.) .
PENNY .
“Blue-balls in the Basement!” .
ROB .
Ouch! .
(next) .
Three - Charlie Nicholson - College Girlfriend! .
(Charlie, sexy, enters.) .
CHARLIE .
“Out of His League.” .
.
12 .
ROB .
And out of my life. .
(next) .
 Four - Sarah Kendrew - Rebound Girl! .
(Sarah, listless, enters.) .
SARAH .
“He Turned me Gay!” .
ROB .
You’re welcome! .
(next) .
And number five - Jackie Allen! .
(Jackie, Jersey-girl, enters.) .
JACKIE .
What happened between me and Robbie is pretty much .
unspeakable. But I can say that I wrecked him so utterly and .
entirely that he was left a shattered and quivering mess. Isn’t that .
right, honey? .
ROB .
Do you notice anything in particular about the list Laura? .
GIRLS .
Yeah do you? .
ROB .
(sings) .
these were the ones that tore my heart out .
these were the ones that ate me alive .
you might squeeze in to the top ten, Laura .
GIRLS .
but you’re nowhere near the top five! .
ROB .
these were the girls who got in early .
scarred me for life, I have no doubt .
ROB GIRLS .
but you’re too late now but you’re too late .
you don’t rate that you don’t rate .
kind of hurt, that kind of clout. Aaaaah that kind of clout .
oh Laura Laura, you’ll be missed .
but sweet sweet Laura .
you .
.
13 .
GIRLS .
you .
ROB AND GIRLS .
don’t even make the list! .
GIRLS .
this is nothing personal, please .
don’t kick yourself or wonder why .
ROB .
the simple fact is that we’re too old Laura .
to really make each other cry .
ROB GIRLS .
those days are gone and I’m thankful those days are gone… .
we can skip the drama and the pain … skip the drama… .
here .
take my car, there’s a tankful .
I won’t lose myself or go insane! Aaaah or go insane .
oh Laura Laura, has your love died? .
‘cause if you leave me Laura I… No! No! aaah! .
ROB .
can smoke inside! .
GIRLS .
can smoke inside! .
ROB .
Cause losing you is like having no cash. .
It’s like having a cold in the middle of summer. .
losing you is a sold-out movie .
ROB .
no big deal, just kind of a bummer .
GIRLS .
it’s a pizza dream, an ice cream headache .
that you know will soon be gone .
ROB .
Five minutes of pain, then you move on... GIRLS .
move on! .
you move on! .
move on! .
ALISON .
Cause you know, You’re not offering - .
.
14 .
ALISON & SARAH .
him anything new here. .
ALISON, SARAH, & PENNY .
If you wanna force your way - .
ALISON, SARAH, PENNY & JACKIE .
onto the list .
ALL GIRLS (ADD CHARLIE) .
YOU’LL HAVE TO DO A LOT BETTER THAN THIS! .
ROB .
(sings) GIRLS .
so bye bye Laura bye bye .
nice try Laura nice try .
you came far Laura, came far .
close but no cigar close but no cigar .
you can’t shame me like Alison! .
or blame me like Penny! .
 or disrupt my life like Jackie! .
or crush me like Charlie! .
and I’m stronger than when Sarah left! Yeah yeah .
gloomy, sure, but not bereft! yeah yeah .
and though I see a trend here though I see a trend .
I am nowhere near the end here nowhere near the end here .
you do not represent you don’t represent .
my .
ROB & GIRLS .
last best chance .
at a meaningful relationship .
and let me give you one last tip! .
(Laura suddenly rushes back into the .
apartment and across the room.) .
LAURA .
Hey. I forgot my toiletry bag. .
(goes to get it) .
ROB .
Laura listen, we’re being stupid. Let’s just order in tonight and .
sort this out. .
.
15 .
LAURA .
(she stops and looks at him) .
Take care of yourself, Rob. .
(And she goes. Pause.) .
ROB .
(sings) .
My Desert Island All-Time Top Five Break-Ups. .
My five-star humiliations, soul quaking shake-ups. .
Oh Laura, Laura, you’ll be missed. .
but sweet sweet Laura, you, .
ROB AND GIRLS .
you, you, you, you! .
ROB .
-- don’t even make the list .
.
16 .
Scene 3 .
(Championship Vinyl. FUTON GUY is putting .
a sign on the bulletin board. Barry notices and .
is not happy about it.) .
BARRY .
Whadaya think you’re doing? .
GUY WITH MOHAWK .
What? Nothing. What. .
FUTON GUY .
I’m selling my futon. .
BARRY .
Well don’t block my sign, dumb-ass. .
FUTON GUY .
(reads it) .
“Young Gunslingers wanted… .
BARRY .
…wanted to start band. That’s right. .
FUTON GUY .
This thing has been up here for three years. .
BARRY .
So? .
FUTON GUY .
So you don’t even play an instrument. .
BARRY .
Hey, you know what? Shove your futon up your ass. Get outta my .
store. .
FUTON GUY .
(getting ejected) .
Hey! It’s not even your store! .
(Barry tosses him. TMPMITW, the record store .
equivalent of a Trekkie, turns to Rob.) .
TMPMITW .
You know, I had a band once. Well, it wasn’t a band so much as a .
barbershop quartet. .
.
17 .
ROB .
(doesn’t want to talk to this guy) .
That sounds great. .
TMPMITW .
Yeah, we called ourselves Harmonic Disturbance. We did .
Zeppelin covers exclusively. It was pretty rockin’. Mother made .
t-shirts, and my dad sang first tenor, but then he burst a vocal .
chord, so we had to disband. That was a real bring-down. .
ROB .
(to the audience) .
We don’t actually know his name. We simply refer to him as T- .
M-P-M-I-T-W - The Most Pathetic Man in the World." .
TMPMITW .
Do you happen to still be in possession of that original God Save .
the Queen by the Sex Pistols? .
ROB .
It’s not for sale. .
TMPMITW .
No, I know it’s not for sale. Obviously it’s not for sale, I mean, .
 why would you ever part with a piece of vinyl so singular and .
magnificent? I was simply requesting a mere glance at its .
awesome splendor. .
ROB .
I swear to God this is how he talks. Every Thursday right around .
this time he asks to see something from this… .
(holds up case) .
- the mother lode. A collection of incredibly rare 45’s I’ve been .
amassing since 7th grade. Look…original Otis Reddings, Elvis .
Presleys, James Browns, Jerry Lee Lewises, and on and on. These .
45’s are as close as I’ve ever come to an actual achievement. .
(Rob holds up the 45 to TMMITW.) .
ROB .
You can look, but don’t touch. .
(Meanwhile, Dick is moving a tall stack of .
CD’s when a young woman, ANNA, comes .
up behind him.) .
ANNA .
Excuse me, I was wondering-- .
(DICK is startled and the CD’s go .
everywhere.) .
.
18 .
ANNA DICK .
Oh, gosh. Whoa… .
BARRY .
Nice one, Dick. .
ANNA .
I’m sorry. .
DICK .
Oh, hey, that’s cool. Really, I was just alphabetizing. But I can, .
um, start over. I’m pretty good at it - the um, alphabetizing, so— .
it shouldn’t take long. .
ANNA .
Do you have the blues? .
DICK .
Sometimes. They call it Seasonal Affective Disorder, which is, .
um— .
(suddenly realizes) .
Oh, you mean— Over there next to ska. Sorry. .
ANNA .
Thanks. .
(Anna, smiles a little, amused by him. She .
heads over to the blues section. Dick goes .
about picking up the CD’s. .
A MIDDLE AGED GUY walks in and .
approaches the counter.) .
MIDDLE AGED GUY .
Excuse me, I'm looking for a record for my daughter’s birthday. .
"My Heart Will Go On" by Celine Dion. Do you have it? .
BARRY .
Oh yeah. We got it. .
MIDDLE AGED GUY .
Great. Can I have it then? .
BARRY .
No, you can't. .
MIDDLE AGED GUY .
Why not? .
.
19 .
BARRY .
Because it's sentimental tacky crap, that's why not. Do we look like .
the kind of store that sells "My Heart Will Go On?" Go to the mall. .
MIDDLE AGED GUY .
What's your problem? .
BARRY .
Do you even know your daughter?! There is no way she likes that .
song. Oh-oh, is she in a coma? .
MIDDLE AGED GUY .
Okay, buddy. I didn't know it was Pick On the Middle-Aged .
Square Guy Day. My apologies. I'll be on my way. .
BARRY .
B'Bye. .
(The customer heads for the door, but then .
turns back to Barry --) .
MIDDLE AGED GUY .
FUCK YOU! .
(-- and storms out. Barry looks at Rob and smiles.) .
ROB .
Nice, Barry. Really, top-notch. But you know you can’t keep .
chasing customers out of here! .
BARRY .
Are you defending that ass-muncher? Come on, Rob, you're going .
soft in your old age. .
(Rob is seething.) .
I’m gonna tell you something for your own good, pal: that's the .
worst fucking sweater I've ever seen. It’s a Cosby sweater. A .
COSBY sweater! I can’t believe Laura allows herself to be seen .
in public with the likes of you. I don’t know what kinda voodoo .
you worked on that girl, but someone needs to shake her out of it. .
(Rob springs on Barry, grabbing him by the .
lapels and slamming him up against the wall.) .
DICK .
 Hey, guys... Hey. .
ROB .
Will you shut up? Will you? .
BARRY .
You’re a maniac! .
.
20 .
DICK .
Hey. Break it up. .
(Rob runs out of steam and drops Barry. .
Barry pats down his jacket.) .
BARRY .
I swear to God, if you tore this thing - it’s vintage - and I’ll sock .
your nose. You’ll pay big! .
(Barry storms out of the store. There’s a .
long uncomfortable silence as Dick stares .
over at Rob) .
DICK .
Um, are you all right? .
ROB .
Yeah. Look Dick, Laura and I broke up. She's gone. So if you .
ever see Barry again maybe you can tell him that. .
DICK .
You want me to tell Barry about it? .
ROB .
Yeah, would you? That would be great. .
DICK .
Sure, of course, .
(sings) .
#3 - ITS NO PROBLEM .
It’s no problem - .
no problem Rob - you’re on. .
I’ll tell him when I see him next: .
“Rob says to tell you - Laura’s gone.” .
My schedule’s pretty open - so I’ve got some time today. .
Plus I’ve got some other stuff .
to tell him anyway. .
So I’ll tell him when I tell him all the other stuff .
or - I could even call. .
So it’s no problem, no problem at all. .
ROB .
All right, Dick— .
(But Dick barrels on, singing. Anna wanders over .
and listens, amused, smitten.) .
DICK .
It’s no problem. .
I’ll see him later at a gig. .
.
21 .
DICK .
I’ll prob’ly tell him your news first .
‘cause my news isn’t big, .
just to tell him .
that this woman’s going to sing. .
So I’ll bring it up before: .
a good news/bad news kind of thing. .
I mean bad news/good news .
‘cause he thinks the singer’s great. .
Not that Laura isn’t too - no! What I meant to say - no wait! .
Barry really likes you both - he told me so last fall. .
So it’s no problem, it’s no problem, it’s no problem, Rob, .
a-a-a-a-at - .
ROB .
(interrupting) .
Great, Dick. Glad you got it covered. .
DICK .
It’s no problem, Rob. At all. .
ANNA .
(approaches Dick) .
Um, could I get a little advice about these CDs? .
(They lock eyes. Dick is taken aback.) .
DICK .
Oh, um, sure. Yeah. Of course. .
(Anna smiles. Rob turns to the audience and .
asks…) .
ROB .
What came first? The music or the misery? People worry about .
kids playing with guns or watching violent videos, but nobody .
worries about kids listening to thousands - literally thousands -- of .
songs about heartbreak, rejection and loss. Did I listen to pop .
music because I was miserable, or was I miserable because I .
listened to pop music? .
(The door is suddenly thrown open, and the .
lights change. Liz is here.) .
LIZ .
I’m not gonna pick sides, Rob. I’m friends with you both. .
ROB .
(to audience) .
My friend - Liz. She shows up whenever I break up with a girl .
and need a little sympathy. .
.
22 .
LIZ .
 (re: bag) .
I come bearing danish. .
ROB .
Finally, a woman who understands me. .
LIZ .
Okay, what’d you do to her? .
ROB .
(beat - a bit surprised/relieved) .
She didn’t tell you? .
LIZ .
No, she’s being noble. .
ROB .
I used to love that about her. .
LIZ .
I’m gonna find out, you know. .
ROB .
There’s nothing to find out. Laura took a wrecking ball to me. .
What more do you need to know. I’m rubble. .
LIZ .
(trying to be sympathetic) .
Aww… .
ROB .
And I’m trying not to blame you, Liz, but I have to say it’s a little .
hard right now. .
LIZ .
(beat) .
I’m sorry? .
ROB .
Well if you hadn’t introduced us none of this would’ve happened. .
LIZ .
(stops, fed up) .
You know what’s interesting? The way you blame everyone but .
yourself. Has it ever occurred to you that you might be the .
problem? .
.
23 .
ROB .
(beat - turns to audience) .
You know, I have to admit, that particular thought has never, in .
fact, actually occurred to me. Odd, right? .
(back to Liz) .
Uh, you’re not here to make me feel worse, Liz, you’re here to be .
helpful, bring me pastry, wipe my tears. .
LIZ .
(sings) .
#4 - SHE GOES .
No offense but you were lucky to get her. .
ROB .
I thought you weren’t picking sides? .
LIZ .
I like you both the same - well her a bit better. .
(spoken) .
Okay, a LOT better. .
(sings) .
Your macho act can’t hide the fact you adore her .
now she’s gone like all the others before her .
ROB .
Okay, it’s happened a couple times. .
LIZ .
No, 15-20 -- that’s a few .
this shit is old - and so are you! .
ROB .
Jesus, Liz, you’re hardly one to talk. How many disastrous .
relationships have you had? .
LIZ .
(sings) .
I relied on your success to direct me .
did you ever once think how this would affect me?! .
ROB .
Affect you? .
LIZ .
I’m a wreck and what the heck will you do now? .
go to Scores and tip a stripper or two now? .
ROB .
You don’t know how it works with guys today. .
.
24 .
LIZ .
I don’t know how it works today .
but for you it only works one way! .
You meet someone - you move in together - she goes! .
You meet someone - you move in together - she goes! .
The girls may change in face and name, .
but one thing always stays the same, .
as sure as a baby cries and the river flows - she goes! .
ROB .
I’m down, Liz! And you’re kicking me! You’re kicking me while .
I’m down! .
LIZ .
Tough love is good for you, honey. .
ROB .
I prefer the danish! .
LIZ .
 Rob I‘m talking to you as a friend now BACKUPS .
always been your friend .
I could say that it’s not you, but why pretend now? ah oop! .
honey why pretend? .
You know you shouldn’t feel the slightest compunction ah oop! .
oh no. .
if you suffer from some down-below-there dysfunction. wee oop! .
Wooo! .
ROB .
Christ Liz! .
(sings) .
It’s been really hard on me, .
so have a little sympathy! .
(Now everyone in the store is singing and .
dancing along in a big Aretha-like number.) .
LIZ BACKUPS .
You meet someone - you move in together - she goes! Shoop - oop - yeah .
Yeah she go - woes .
Repeat this, hon - you move in together- she goes! Repeat! .
the girl just go - oh - oes .
It may start out butterflies and bows, yeah ooh. .
but once the blush is off the rose ooh Ah .
and the girl fin’lly figures out that you’ll never propose .
No NO! .
- she goes! .
yeah she go - oh - oes! .
.
25 .
LIZ BACKUPS .
I’ve stood by with all the others, all the others .
smiled away like Sally Struthers Sally Struthers .
patient and supportive. patient / supportive .
Now you fin’lly got a winner. shoop .
Did you even cook her dinner? wee ooh .
The answer’s ‘No’ I’m guessin! ah ah ah .
And I’m full on PMS’in’! she’s full on P.M.S. - in’! Ah .
Aaaaaaaaah! .
You meet someone, you move in together - she goes! oop oop yeah .
yeah she go - woes .
Repeat this hon - you move in together- she goes! repeat ! .
the girl just go - oh - oes .
I can’t fault you for consistency, Ooh .
Heaven knows! Heaven knows! .
Now please don’t take this as mean-hearted: .
but are you on crack or just retarded? .
’Cause you meet someone - you move in together, Meet / move in together .
a sweet someone and light as a feather, Sweet / light as a feather .
mistreat someone and change like the weather, Mistreat / change like the .
weather .
ROB .
Shut up Liz! Goddamn, that is some cold shit. .
LIZ .
(silence - then…) .
I’m just saying. .
(beat - she sings) .
And she goes! BACKUPS .
Always goes she goes always goes .
the girl just go - oh - oes! .
she go - oes The girl just go - oh - .
oh - oh - oes! .
(Everything goes back to how it was.) .
LIZ .
And for what it’s worth, it’s your side. I’m on your side. .
(beat) .
After all…I don’t think much of this Ian guy. .
(Silence. Rob is stunned. A spotlight hits him.) .
ROB .
WHAT FUCKING IAN GUY?! .
(Lights out on him, and up on…) .
.
26 .
Scene 4 .
(Sitar music. Glissando. Gong crash.) .
#5 - IAN’S HERE .
CHANTER (Justin Brill) .
Eh! Yay ah yay yah ya - y ay .
DRONERS (Matt Caplan & Andrew Call) .
Oo - ee…oo - ee .
oo - ee…oo - ee .
Oo-ee…oo - ee .
oo - ee…oo - ee .
Oo…-ee…oo - ee .
oo - ee…oo - ee .
oo… .
(Ian’s apartment appears. IAN is a slightly .
older new-age guy with a pony-tail. He’s .
prepared a Middle Eastern dinner. He sits .
across from Laura.) .
IAN .
smell the incense in the air .
the cabbage and mulled wine .
throw away all wordly cares .
tonight is yours and mine .
 though I haven’t known you long .
in the present paradigm .
in our past lives we’ve connected, .
you and I throughout all time .
maybe you were Desdemona .
and I your Black Marauder .
maybe you were Helen Keller .
and I was the water! .
LAURA .
I feel strange, Ian. .
IAN .
It’s the sage fumes. They’ll wear off .
LAURA .
No, I meant being here. But I knew if I stayed with Liz, Rob .
would just track me down. .
.
27 .
IAN .
You don’t have to explain yourself. You needed comfort, and I’m .
happy to provide it. .
(offers her dish) .
Banana pakora? .
LAURA .
Oh. I’m saving room for the vindaloo. .
IAN .
Ian’s here .
to offer a safe haven .
where you can be yourself .
unshackled and unshaven .
you will find no judgment here .
and no talk of wrong or right .
just a beacon in the harbor .
a gentle guiding light .
so close your eyes - is that land you’re seein?’ .
yes it is - and on that land is Ian. .
(starting softly and getting louder, trying to .
maintain the mood, despite a ringing cell phone) .
Ian’s here .
Ian’s here .
have no fear .
Ian’s -- Shit! .
LAURA .
(pulls out her cell phone) .
I am so sorry. It’s Rob again. I should maybe— .
IAN .
Don’t, Laura. You’ve pulled the pin, now be brave enough to toss .
the grenade. .
LAURA .
The grenade? .
IAN .
Sometimes a relationship needs to be blown up, just to see what’s .
left over, and whether things can be put back together again. .
LAURA .
Is that what you are? A hand grenade? .
IAN .
Is that what you need me to be? .
.
28 .
LAURA .
(beat) .
Maybe it is. .
(puts phone away) .
Where did you learn all this? .
IAN .
My methods are partly European .
partly Eastern .
and mostly .
just pure Ian .
Ian’s here .
IAN & LAURA .
Ian’s here .
(As they walk off together…) .
IAN .
mi nee som de dom mi nee ha ree dom .
LAURA .
ma ma say ma ma sah ma ma kuh sa .
(As they leave, Rob enters from the .
wings…) .
IAN .
mi nee som de dom mi nee ha ree dom .
mee nee meet me in the kitchen wit de sari on .
mi nee som de dom mi nee ha ree dom .
mini hairy dom, mini car-ee dom .
.
29 .
Scene 5 .
(Lights up in Rob’s apartment. He sits up in .
bed, sheets held clenched up to his chin. .
He’s a wreck as he talks to us.) .
ROB .
Ian is an interventionist. He used to live upstairs from us. He did .
Kurt Cobain’s intervention. He moved out about six weeks ago. I .
never liked him then, and I fucking hate him now. .
 (We hear the squeaking bed upstairs, sitar .
music, and sex sounds.) .
VOICE OF IAN .
(muffled, upstairs) .
Ooh ah oh! .
ROB .
Worst of all, we used to listen to him having sex. .
VOICE OF IAN .
(muffled, upstairs) .
Ooh ah ooh ah! .
ROB .
It’d go on forever. .
VOICE OF IAN .
(muffled, upstairs) .
Ooh ah! Who’s your Gandhi?! Who’s your Gandhi?! Oh yeah! .
LAURA .
I should’ve been so lucky. .
(Laura appears, bathed in ethereal light. She .
looks like she did when Rob first met her: .
leather jacket, pink spiky hair.) .
ROB .
Laura? .
LAURA .
The Ghost of Laura Past, actually. .
ROB .
You look amazing. .
LAURA .
I know. .
.
30 .
ROB .
What are you doing here? .
LAURA .
Come on, Rob. I don’t get a spot on your top five Desert Island .
break-up list? .
ROB .
No. You’re wasting your time here. .
LAURA .
So what else is new? .
(sings) .
#6 - NUMBER FIVE WITH A BULLET .
I was feeling bad for you .
‘cause I left you with a broken heart .
but now you’ve really pissed me off .
and you know that that’s not smart! .
Did you think you were going to get off scott-free? .
Don’t you know there’s no getting over me? Mm. .
you think this break-up won’t affect you .
if you just refuse to let it ? .
and there’s no need to sweat it ? .
well I’ve come to claim my spot .
and I’m not leaving ‘til I get it! .
I will be .
NUMBER five WITH A BULLET .
YOU’LL NEVER GET RID OF ME .
SLEEP AND YOUR PEACE OF MIND .
|THEY’RE A MEMORY-Y-Y-Y-Y-YEAH .
number five with a bullet .
climbing up the chart .
number five with a bullet EX-GIRLFRIENDS .
To your heart. To your heart .
(Ex-Girlfriends surround him ...to your heart...to your heart... .
dramatically, singing…) .
ROB .
(re: girls) .
Hey, what are they—? .
EX-GIRLFRIENDS .
Hi, Rob. .
ROB .
What is this? .
.
31 .
LAURA .
Tell him, girls. .
ALISON .
Laura’s one of us now. .
PENNY .
She deserves a spot. .
ROB .
No! There’s no room! .
CHARLIE .
Sure there is. .
SARAH .
She can stand next to me. .
ROB .
(fear coming into his eyes now) .
Sarah, don’t! .
EX-GIRLFRIENDS .
(sings) .
You met and it was wonderful .
no drama and no pain .
she was smart and sexy .
sweet and hot .
 LAURA .
and not insane. .
You were the handsome DJ .
I worked for Legal Aid. .
We really clicked together. .
EX-GIRLFRIENDS .
Oh yeah, you really had it made. .
LAURA .
but you always had one foot out the door, didn’t you? .
just in case there might be something more. .
EX-GIRLFRIENDS .
and now she’s gone .
moved up, moved on .
left you in the dust .
left you filled with longing .
and a thick and aching lust .
.
32 .
LAURA .
well you can block the truth out for a while .
if you will yourself .
but when you think of me with another guy .
LAURA EX-GIRLFRIENDS .
don’t you wanna kill yourself?! don’t you wanna kill yourself?! .
Bum Bum Bum .
I will be .
NUMBER five WITH A BULLET NUMBER five WITH A BULLET .
LIKE A TAPE THAT’S ON RE-WIND .
PLAYING IN YOUR HEAD PLAYING IN YOUR HEAD .
MESSIN’ WITH YOUR MIND…. MESSIN’ WITH YOUR MIND… .
number five with a bullet number five with a bullet .
a sharp and throbbing pain a sharp and throbbing pain .
lodged there like a bullet .
in your brain in your brain in your brain .
in your brain in your brain .
you’re on a cycle that never ceases .
you get dumped and fall to pieces .
you were hoping for a reversal .
but that pain was just a dress rehearsal! .
Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! .
Yeah! Yeah! .
ROB .
Alright, that’s enough! Get out, Laura! ‘Cause you’re never gonna top .
these women! Or dethrone them! Or whatever it is you think you’re—! .
JACKIE .
(interrupts breaking down a little) .
I can’t do this. Rob…I’m sorry…I can’t… .
ROB .
(worried now) .
Uhh…hold on there, Jackie— .
JACKIE .
(turns on him) .
My name’s not Jackie, it’s Janice! But you don’t remember that because I .
was nothing more than a drunken one-night stand in Weehawken! .
(apologetically to Laura) .
I meant nothing to him. He just stuck me on that list to keep you off. .
ROB .
Hey, don’t minimize what we shared! .
LAURA .
(pityingly) .
Oh Rob. .
.
33 .
LAURA EX-GIRLFRIENDS .
Number five with a bullet Number five with a bullet .
see your memory’s a blur see your memory’s a blur .
Yeah! and that list don’t mean nothing .
without me .
without her! .
Number five with a bullet Number five .
With a bullet .
climbing up the chart climbing up the chart .
Number five with a bullet .
- to your heart. - to your heart. .
Number Five with a bullet .
to your heart to your heart .
(Laura moves in to take Jackie’s place.) .
ROB EX-GIRLFRIENDS .
Wait! What’s going on?! LAURA Number Five with a bullet .
…to your heart …to your heart .
Number Five with a bullet .
to your heart. .
It’s time, Rob. Number Five with a bullet .
…to your heart. …to your heart. .
(We hear sitar music. Ian, on his bed, rises up .
through the floor in nightmare fashion.) .
ROB .
What the hell is he doing here?! .
(Bollywood dance break with Ian and Rob’s ex- .
girlfriends.) .
ROB .
Laura what is this? .
LAURA .
 It’s a Shiva Rob. .
(Ian is having sex with Rob’s exes, ravaging .
them all from behind, below, and above.) .
IAN .
Come on! .
EX-GIRLFRIENDS .
Ooh .
.
34 .
IAN .
Hey! .
EX-GIRLFRIENDS .
Hey! .
IAN .
Yeah! .
EX-GIRLFRIENDS .
Yeah! .
IAN .
Who’s your Ghandi! Who’s your Ghandi! .
ROB .
Laura?! You cut that out right now! .
LAURA and EX-GIRLFRIENDS .
Number five with a bullet .
IAN .
Can you feel my hungry kiss? .
LAURA .
I’ve made love a thousand times .
But nothing can touch this! .
IAN .
Touch this! .
LAURA .
(getting hot and heavy with Ian) .
Ahhhh! EX-GIRLFRIENDS .
Number five with a bullet Number five with a bullet .
Ooooh And she’s climbing up the chaaaart! .
ROB .
(a la Scrooge) .
Stop! Show me no more! .
(Everything screeches to a stop.) .
Congratulations, Laura! You made it. .
LAURA & EX-GIRLFRIENDS .
Number five with a bullet .
And that bullet’s heading straight .
to your hea----aaa-- aa-aart!! .
(Laura, Ian and the bed disappear into the fiery .
bowels of hell. The girls vanish, and Rob wakes up .
on his bedroom floor.) .
.
35 .
Scene 6 .
(From the nightmare, Rob staggers directly .
into the smoky club. We hear a sound- .
check in process as we transition. Spent, .
distraught, Rob makes his way to the bar. .
He plunks down next to TMPMITW and .
does a couple shots over the following...) .
ROADIE (Andrew Call) .
(testing mic.) .
Check - check - check. .
SOUND MAN .
That’s good. And can I hear the back-up vocal? .
ROADIE .
Check-check. .
SOUND MAN .
That’s fine. .
ROADIE .
(to the bar patrons) .
To the owner of a 1974 Gremlin - license plate “I heart my cat” - .
you left your lights on, and your dignity is missing. .
TMPMITW .
(rushes out the door) .
Aw geez, that’s my car. .
ROADIE .
(to others) .
We’ll be starting in about two minutes. .
(Rob, a little drunk, has just dialed Laura’s .
number again.) .
ROB .
Hey Laura, it’s me again. Look, I just wanted you to know .
that what you’ve done to me is reprehensible and .
unconscionable and I will never get over this. .
(beat) .
But let’s work it out. .
(beat) .
This is Rob by the way. .
(He hangs up. Barry and Dick enter the .
club, and see Rob. He’s a mess.) .
.
36 .
DICK BARRY .
Whoa… Yikes. .
ROB .
(sees them) .
 Oh no… .
BARRY .
Hey, buddy. You okay? Dick told me about your old lady. Tough .
break. .
(long uncomfortable hug) .
You want my opinion? .
ROB .
I’d rather swallow glass. .
BARRY .
She’s just pulled a Jefferson. Movin’ on up - to the big league? .
In with the new - out with the aimless. Laura’s just molting, .
buddy, don’t take it personally. .
DICK .
Plus she’s probably freaked out about her dad. .
BARRY .
No, it has nothing to do Death-Bed McPapi. That guy’s been .
dying for the past four years. .
ROB .
He has acute angina, Barry. .
BARRY .
He better have a cute angina, ‘cause his legs are disgusting. .
ROB .
I just found out she’s living with someone else. .
DICK BARRY .
No way! Wow, that’s awful. Oh, bummer. That is really quick. .
That doesn’t sound like Laura What did you do to that poor .
at all. girl? .
BACK UP SINGER .
Ladies and Gentlemen - Marie LaSalle. .
(Marie takes her place onstage.) .
MARIE .
(into the mic.) .
Hey, anyone out there got a broken heart? .
.
37 .
ROB .
Goddamit. .
BARRY .
Right here! My buddy Rob! .
ROB .
Barry, don’t! .
MARIE .
What’s her name, son? .
BARRY .
Laura! .
ROB .
Barry! .
MARIE .
Well which is it, Laura or Barry? .
ROB .
(sighs - resigned) .
Laura, her name is Laura. .
MARIE .
Well I feel you, friend. As some of you may know, up until three weeks .
ago I was dating a relatively famous person. Not really famous, .
but…Lyle Lovett famous, let’s say. Though I should point out that the .
injunction prevents me from saying that it was, in fact, Lyle Lovett. .
(smiles slyly) .
Anyway, I dedicate this song to my new friend with the broken .
heart, who knows exactly how I feel. .
(sings) .
#7 - READY TO SETTLE .
grabbed the moon .
full of hope .
fell to earth .
without rope .
heart as heavy as a stone. .
been betrayed .
been abused .
spirit flayed .
and ego bruised .
ev’rybody dies alone. .
I always knew before he flew .
he was too good for me .
now I’m here with you .
.
38 .
MARIE .
how more different could you be? .
you’re just like me .
alone and sad .
and in this light .
you don’t look so bad. .
I’ve had the best .
now I need a rest .
just someone who’ll do .
and I’m ready to settle for you. .
ROB .
Man - I like her. .
BARRY .
Me too. That girl has got to be a cutter. .
MARIE .
See the happy people laughing .
 they’re all deaf and blind BACK-UP SINGER .
blind and deaf .
Why should we go on searching .
For something we won’t find? .
There’s no hope. .
Why should we pretend we’re happy too? .
You know we’re not. .
I’d rather just stay home I’d rather just stay home .
And sulk with you! And sulk with you! .
you’re just like me you’re just like me .
alone and sad alone and sad .
and in the dark and in the dark .
you don’t look so bad you don’t look so bad .
it’s nice to know it’s nice to know .
that you’ll never go: that you’ll never go: .
‘cause if not me, then who? .
if not me then who? .
And I’m ready .
to settle for to settle .
you Ready to settle for .
Ready to settle for you .
you Ready to settle for .
Ready to settle... you .
For you For you .
(Sparks between Rob and Marie. Applause.) .
.
39 .
MARIE .
Thank you. Thanks everyone. Thanks, Bob. For those of you .
interested in having Marie LaSalle in your very own home, I am .
for sale at a very reasonable price. .
(holds up a couple CDs) .
(Light shift. Dick and Barry rush over to .
Marie. She’s very polite with them.) .
DICK .
So, that was, um, really, BARRY .
really…great. Really awesome. .
MARIE .
Oh, thanks. .
DICK BARRY .
I like the part about the heart Did you really date .
being like a hollow bone-- Lyle Lovett? .
(Lights change and they continue talking in silence .
animatedly while Rob addresses the audience.) .
ROB .
By the end of that song two things have occurred. One - I .
suddenly miss Laura with an unbridled passion. And two - I have .
fallen in love with Marie LaSalle. These things happen. To men .
at least. Or to this particular man. And I have no idea why. .
(Marie steps forward - the lights change back.) .
DICK .
Luckily, the cream cleared up the rash. .
BARRY .
So we’re good to go. .
MARIE .
(to Rob) .
I just figured out where I recognized you from. .
BARRY .
Is it a Twisted Sister video? Because that’s probably Dee Snyder .
you’re thinking of. Rob gets that all the time. .
ROB .
Barry— .
DICK .
Hey, corn-nuts. .
(Dick and Barry take off.) .
.
40 .
MARIE .
You used to DJ at the Billy Club, right? I used to go to hear you .
spin. You were unbelievable. .
ROB .
Oh, thanks. Thank you. .
MARIE .
So, are you still doing that or—? .
ROB .
No, I own a record store. Championship Vinyl? .
MARIE .
Oh yeah? You should sell my CD. .
ROB .
Maybe I will. We like to support local talent. .
MARIE .
Really? .
ROB .
No, not at all. But I’ll make an exception. .
(They smile at each other. Suddenly, Liz .
storms in with an exercise ball, her eyes .
ablaze.) .
ROB .
Hi, Liz. .
LIZ .
Hi, Rob. .
(beat) .
YOU FUCKING ASSHOLE! .
 (Silence. And just as suddenly, Liz spins .
around and marches out.) .
LIZ .
(mutters as she goes) .
Hey, Barry. .
BARRY .
Hey… .
(A spotlight hits Rob. He addresses us.) .
.
41 .
ROB .
I bet you’re wondering why I’m an asshole. Well, you wouldn’t be .
the first. I suspect that Laura finally broke down and told Liz what .
happened. It was inevitable, I guess. .
(sighs - this is hard) .
Okay, before we do this, I need you to do me a favor. Just take a .
minute and think about the top five worst things that you have done .
to your partner. .
(he waits) .
Don't dress things up or try to explain them, just live with them for .
a moment. .
(beat) .
Especially if your partner doesn't know about them. .
(beat) .
Got ‘em? Good. Now remember that, and try not to judge me too harshly. .
(Lights up on Liz and Laura at Crunch. .
They’re both on exercise balls.) .
LIZ .
But I liked you guys together. And Rob was good for you. He .
gave you an interest in something other than work. You were .
more fun around him, and calmer, and a nicer person. .
ROB .
Liz may not have used these exact words, but it’s what I like to .
imagine she said. .
LIZ .
He obviously did something to you— .
LAURA .
I told you, I have no interest in turning you against him. It .
wouldn’t be fair. .
LIZ .
Do you think Rob would be this restrained if the roles were reversed? .
ROB .
I wouldn’t. She knows I wouldn’t. .
LIZ .
If you don’t wanna tell me what he did, then I’m gonna have to .
assume that you share some responsibility. And if you do, then I .
have to say, shacking up with that fruitcake in the patchouli-- .
LAURA .
You barely know Ian. .
.
42 .
LIZ .
--is kinda beneath you, Laura. I mean, Rob may have his faults, .
but he’s a good guy underneath it all-- .
LAURA .
I know he is. .
LIZ .
--and walking out on him is pretty shabby, regardless of what he .
may or may not have done. .
LAURA .
(finally) .
He slept with somebody else. .
(Silence.) .
LIZ .
What? .
ROB .
It’s true, I slept with someone else. .
LAURA .
While I was pregnant. .
ROB .
While she was pregnant. .
LIZ .
No! .
ROB .
Yes. And that affair directly contributed— .
LAURA .
Pretty much directly to me terminating the pregnancy. .
LIZ .
No... .
ROB .
To make matters worse, I borrowed a large sum of money. .
LAURA .
Four grand or so. .
ROB .
And I have not, as of yet, repaid her any of it. .
.
43 .
LIZ .
That fucking… .
ROB .
Yes, I am a fucking asshole. .
LIZ .
That’s shocking. That. Is. Shocking. .
 ROB and LAURA .
I know. .
LIZ .
That’s it. .
(stands up, enraged) .
LAURA .
No Liz no no, come back, Liz you’ll never get a cab with that thing. .
(But Liz is up and gone. Lights out on Laura.) .
ROB .
(still to audience) .
Which leads us to… .
(back to scene and Marie) .
We like to support local talent. .
MARIE .
Really? .
ROB .
No, not at all. But I’ll make an exception .
(Lights back up in club. Liz storms in with .
an exercise ball, her eyes ablaze.) .
ROB .
Hi, Liz. .
LIZ .
Hi, Rob. .
(beat) .
YOU FUCKING ASSHOLE! .
(Silence. And just as suddenly, Liz spins .
around and marches out.) .
LIZ .
(mutters as she goes) .
Hey, Barry. .
.
44 .
BARRY .
Hey… .
ROB .
(turns to Marie, humiliated) .
Wow, this is suddenly very awkward. .
MARIE .
Friend of yours? .
ROB .
No, I have no idea who that was. .
MARIE .
(amused) .
Uh-huh. .
ROB .
Anyway, you should come down to the store. .
MARIE .
Okay. .
ROB .
You’re not gonna, are you. .
MARIE .
We’ll see. I’ve got another song to… .
ROB .
Right. .
MARIE .
Nice meeting you though. .
ROB .
Indeed. .
(Rob watches as Marie saunters back to the mic. .
She sings as we transition into the next scene.) .
#8 - TERRIBLE THINGS .
MARIE .
(sings) .
Terrible things. Terrible things. .
I trust you with my heart .
and look what pain it brings. .
What makes you do such .
terrible terrible things? .
.
45 .
Scene 7 .
(Rob addresses the audience during the song, as .
the set changes into…Championship Vinyl. It’s .
gray and rainy outside.) .
ROB .
Okay, first of all: The money. Laura had it and I didn't, and she .
wanted to give it to me. I've never been able to pay her back .
because...I've never been able to. .
(beat) .
Then the Pregnancy. I didn't know she was pregnant. I didn’t know .
because she hadn’t told me. She hadn't told me because I had told .
her that I had...sort of...yes, I had slept with someone else. So -- I .
didn't find out she was pregnant 'til later, like weeks after the .
abortion. .
And then we started fighting, a lot, but never about…what happened. .
That we didn’t talk about. .
(beat) .
Until we did. .
(this is hard for him) .
Here’s what happened. The night before Laura left we were in the .
middle of a perfectly fine dinner, and for some reason I made this .
slightly inappropriate crack about having kids. I don’t why I said it, .
I just did. And she burst into tears. And then I suddenly went into .
 this brief and ill-advised bout of self-righteousness. You know, .
“what right did you have? My child too!” Blah-blah-blah, and I .
wanted to grab every stupid word that fell out of my mouth and .
shove them back in. Which of course I couldn’t. .
(beat) .
And that pretty much brings us up to date. .
(Anna approaches Rob.) .
ANNA .
Do you have any soul? .
(No response. Anna just blinks at him .
waiting for a response.) .
ROB .
Back row, right next to the Blues. .
(Anna heads over to the soul section. Dick, .
concerned, rushes over to Barry.) .
DICK .
Why didn’t she ask me for help? .
.
46 .
BARRY .
Perhaps it was your stench. What did you splash on this morning, .
Dick? .
DICK .
It’s, um, Brut. .
(The guys are all in a funk. We hear a sad .
reprise of Last Real Record Store.) .
#9 - LAST REAL RECORD STORE (REPRISE) .
BARRY .
I’ve got no band .
DICK .
I’ve got no balls .
ROB .
I’ve got no soul .
and I’m an asshole now as well. .
BARRY .
I’ll never play .
DICK .
I’ll never date .
BARRY .
Why even try? .
DICK .
I want to cry .
ROB .
Will she come back? .
ROB, DICK, BARRY .
There’s not a snowball’s chance in hell. .
PALE YOUNG MEN .
(hearing their cue, they jump in cheery) .
and I wouldn’t change a thing about it! .
A to K rack L to Z! .
ALL THREE .
Aw, come on! Shut it, you pin-heads! Not today, guys! .
(Laura marches in while this is going on.) .
LAURA .
Hey! HEY! Hey .
.
47 .
ALL .
(messy, ad lib) .
Hey…Hi. Hey Laura. Yo. Hello (etc) .
LAURA .
Are you trying to get me fired? Is that your punishment? Because .
if it is, it’s pretty immature, Rob. .
ROB .
Laura. What a nice surprise, you popping by like this. .
LAURA .
(waving slips of paper at him) .
Fifteen messages! “Buddy Rich called.” “Keith Moon.” “Mickey .
Dolenz!” You’re not funny, Rob. .
ROB .
Not like Ian, you mean. I bet that guy’s a laugh and a half. .
LAURA .
(beat) .
Don’t even. .
ROB .
What? You’re living with the guy— .
LAURA .
I’m not “living with the guy.” .
ROB .
—which I had to find out on my own, by the way. .
LAURA .
I'm just staying with him for a few days until I figure out what I'm .
doing. .
ROB .
Oh. .
(beat) .
So you haven't definitely decided to dump me? .
LAURA .
Jesus— .
ROB .
There's still a chance we might get back together? .
LAURA .
I don't know. .
 .
48 .
ROB .
Well, if you don't know, there's a chance, right? I mean, it would be .
like if someone was in the hospital and he was seriously ill and the .
doctor said, I don't know if this patient's got a chance of survival or .
not, that doesn't mean the patient's definitely going to die, now does .
it? It means he might live. Even if it's only a remote possibility. .
LAURA .
Rob, you’re making my head hurt. .
ROB .
I just want to know where I stand. What chance we have of .
getting-- .
LAURA .
I don't know what chance we have! .
ROB .
If you could tell me roughly... .
LAURA .
(finally gives up) .
Alright, we have a nine percent chance of getting back together. .
ROB .
Nine? .
LAURA .
Nine. .
ROB .
Nine. Okay. .
(beat) .
Can I ask you one more question? .
LAURA .
Yes. .
ROB .
(beat) .
Is it better? .
LAURA .
Is what better? Better than what? .
ROB .
Well. Sex, I guess. Is it better? .
LAURA .
(laughs) .
You really think it would make a difference either way? .
.
49 .
ROB .
I don't know. .
LAURA .
Well the answer is I don't know either. We haven't done it yet. .
ROB .
Never? .
LAURA .
I haven't felt like it. .
ROB .
Not even before, when he was living upstairs? .
LAURA .
No. I was living with you, remember? We've slept together but .
we haven't made love. Not yet. .
ROB .
Not yet. .
LAURA .
Are you gonna stop calling my office? .
ROB .
Yeah. .
LAURA .
Okay. .
ROB .
Okay. .
LAURA .
Goodbye. .
ROB .
Goodbye. .
(Laura exits. Rob, amazed, starts to feel .
happy again.) .
#10 - NINE PERCENT CHANCE .
ROB .
Why am I feeling so good? .
Why am I feeling so high? .
Like I could reach for the sky .
and nothing’s gonna bring me down? .
.
50 .
ROB .
‘Cause you paved the way for romance .
when you kept him out of your pants. .
I’m a new man today and I say… .
Hey! Hey! .
Hey ! Hey! Hey! .
I’ve got a nine percent chance of your love! .
A nine percent chance of your love! .
Nine percent of the time it’s me you’re thinking of! .
My foot’s in the door, .
and if you’re keeping score - I only need ninety one more! .
I’m back on my game now, .
and fit as a fiddle. .
‘Cause you can’t deny that .
 you want me a little. .
I’m back in the driver’s seat -- .
or at least in the car. .
I’m back on the road -- to where you are! .
I’ve got a nine percent chance of your love! .
A nine percent chance of your love! .
And I’m pretty sure - it’s just a matter of when - .
my chances go up to ten! .
(GUY WITH MOHAWK rips Barry’s sign .
off the bulletin board and then approaches.) .
GUY WITH MOHAWK .
Young gunslingers wanted to start band. You put this up? .
BARRY .
Yeah. .
GUY WITH MOHAWK .
What kinda stuff you into? .
(Dick rises up out of the stack like a gopher .
coming out of its hole. He listens, amazed.) .
BARRY .
Mostly experimental, but with a pop sensibility. .
GUY WITH MOHAWK .
That sounds great. We don’t have any gigs yet, but we get .
together to jam on Tuesday nights if you’re interested. .
BARRY .
Alright. .
.
51 .
GUY WITH MOHAWK .
What do you play anyway? .
BARRY .
Nothin’. .
GUY WITH MOHAWK .
(beat) .
Cool. I’ll call ya. .
(Guy with Mohawk walks out, flipping .
Barry the Rock-On sign as he exits. Barry .
turns out suddenly and sings.) .
BARRY .
I’m gonna lay it all on the line, .
get out from under this bushel and shine. .
I’ve got music to make and finally it will be heard! .
I’ve been hiding myself -- that was wrong. .
The world’s done without me for far too long! .
Hey, Coldplay -- get out of my way! .
Hey! Hey! .
Hey-hey-hey! .
I’ve got a one percent chance of success! .
A one percent chance, maybe less. .
I will be known as His Royal Rock Highness, .
facing the odds at a hundred to one, .
but that’s still better than none! .
ROB & BARRY .
Sometimes all you need is .
a sliver of hope n’ .
you may just succeed .
or at least the door’s open. .
What once seemed impossible .
is there in your reach. .
You’re riding the wave! .
Or at least on the beach! .
ROB .
I could win back her heart! .
BARRY .
I could make the chicks dance. .
I’ve got a one percent .
.
52 .
ROB .
-- a nine percent chance. .
(Anna sidles up to Dick shyly.) .
ANNA .
My name’s Anna by the way. .
DICK .
Oh, okay. .
ANNA .
We weren’t officially introduced. .
DICK .
No, I know. Um, I’m Dick. .
ANNA .
Hi, Dick. .
(She smiles, and goes back to browsing. .
Dick turns out and sings.) .
DICK .
I’m gonna find out her last name .
and find out if she feels the same. .
I’ll ask her out and get to see what’s in her heart. .
There’s not much hope I can win it .
but the game has begun - and look who’s in it! .
Who knows? -- she might go. .
Yeah, maybe if I was the last man on Earth. .
(Dick stops for just a moment to figure out .
that math, and then...) .
DICK .
 There’s a point oh! Oh! .
Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! .
Oh! Oh! Oh! One percent chance she’ll say yes! .
Around one in a billion I guess. .
I’m approaching infinity and happiness. .
We could go on a date, .
It could be any day. .
I’m only light-years away! .
.
53 .
ROB BARRY, DICK .
That’s what she said, said ENSEMBLE .
She said… .
GUY WITH MOHAWK (Matt) .
Maybe there is a God. .
FUTON GUY (Justin) .
Maybe I’ve got a pray’r. .
HIPSTER (Andrew) .
Maybe oh maybe Elvis -- .
ALL .
isn’t dead! .
Sometimes all you need is .
a sliver of hope n’ .
you may just succeed .
or at least the door’s open. .
What once seemed impossible, .
is there in your reach. .
You’re riding the wave! .
Or at least on the beach! .
ROB .
If I’ve got a chance! BARRY .
And I’ve got a chance! DICK .
Then I’ve got a chance! .
ROB, BARRY, DICK ENSEMBLE .
Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! / Hey! / Hey! .
Hey! Hey! Hey! .
ROB .
I’ve got a nine percent chance of your love! .
A nine percent chance of her love! .
A nine percent chance of your love! ENSEMBLE .
nine percent chance .
Nine percent of the time it’s me you’re of her love! .
thinking of! ooh ooh .
You say that it’s hopeless - but I say that’s bull. ah - ah - ah - .
My cup runneth over - well, it’s ah - ah - ah - .
nine percent full, nine percent full .
And that’s a fine percent chance, .
fine percent chance .
.
54 .
(Marie enters the store and looks around.) .
ROB .
A nine percent chance - ENSEMBLE .
nine percent chance! .
Of your love! Love! .
ROB .
I feel great! .
ENSEMBLE .
of your love! .
ROB .
So great in fact - .
ENSEMBLE .
ooh ooh ooh .
ROB .
I go out and sleep with Marie LaSalle! .
ALL .
Of your lo-ove! .
(Rob walks off with Marie as the lights fade.) .
END OF ACT ONE .
.
55 .
ACT TWO .
Scene 1 .
(Lights up on Rob’s apartment. He sits up in .
bed, next to Marie LaSalle. She’s asleep. He .
makes sure she’s asleep and then he speaks to .
us, whispering so as not to wake her.) .
ROB .
I know what you’re thinking. How does he do it? The guy’s .
surly, he’s broke, he hangs out with the musical moron twins, and .
yet he gets to go to bed with Marie LaSalle. .
(he shrugs smugly and sings) .
#11 - I SLEPT WITH SOMEONE (WHO SLEPT WITH LYLE LOVETT) .
How did the deed go down? .
How did it come to be? .
Why should this great bounty fall .
to a regular joe like me? .
I talked about my broken heart .
cried like some pathetic slob .
It was low and it was desperate .
but it sure as hell did the job! .
‘cause I slept with someone who slept with Lyle Lovett! .
Yes I slept with someone who slept with Lyle Lovett! .
 I can’t believe how much my life has improved! .
I’m sleeping with a rock star .
well - a rock star once removed! .
Yes I slept with someone who slept with Lyle Lovett .
and I love it that my lover slept with Lyle! .
There we were .
justa chattin’ ‘bout our exes .
Now I’m in bed .
with a girl who bed .
the coolest guy in Texas! .
Maybe Lyle and me will be buddies someday! .
and he can send some more sloppy seconds my way! Hey! .
I slept with someone who slept with Lyle Lovett .
and if I had a boss -- I’d say take this job and shove it! .
I was kind of nervous .
‘cause it’s been a while .
.
56 .
ROB .
but if you flipped her over .
I’ll bet you’d see a smile! .
Yes, I slept with someone who slept with Lyle Lovett! .
(spoken) .
who slept with Julia Roberts .
who starred with Campbell Scott .
who did a film with Kyra Sedgwick .
who slept with Kevin Bacon! Hey! .
(sings) .
I slept with someone who slept with Lyle Lovett .
and I love it that my lover is a gal all guys would covet .
yes I love it that my lover slept with Ly----le! .
Yee-haw! .
(Lights out on him, and up on Ian’s .
apartment. Laura sits in bed next to Ian. .
She makes sure he’s asleep and then sings.) .
#12 - I SLEPT WITH SOMEONE (WHO HANDLED KURT COBAIN’S INTERVENTION .
LAURA .
I slept with someone who handled Kurt Cobain’s intervention. .
he taught me all these tantric moves .
and he’s really good at frenchin’! .
he’s vibrant and creative .
and makes salads that have flowers! .
he slathers me in oils and massages me for hours .
…and hours…and hours. .
he’s caring and supportive, .
and gives me his full attention. .
I slept with someone .
who handled a dead rock star’s intervention! .
finally - - a grown-up who always pays his bills. .
he’s got insurance, self-assurance, marketable skills .
he’s not like all the others, .
only one thing on the brain. .
but if I had my druthers .
I’d have slept with…Kurt Cobain. .
I slept with someone who handled Kurt Cobain’s intervention. .
A fact which all too often, he’s all too glad to mention. .
And what is there to brag about? .
I wouldn’t go and shout it .
‘cause it really didn’t go so well .
when you think about it .
.
57 .
LAURA .
but I won’t think about it .
or why my jaw keeps clenchin’ .
or the fact that when he’s mounting me .
I feel this mounting tension. .
I slept with someone who handled .
Kurt Cobain’s intervention. .
(Lights up on both apartments. Marie and .
Ian wake up.) .
IAN .
Morning. LAURA .
Morning. .
MARIE .
Morning. ROB .
Morning. .
ROB .
You wanna grab some brunch? IAN .
Grab some brunch? .
MARIE .
Actually, I have brunch plans. .
ROB .
You do? .
IAN .
The Leaf and Lentil has those dynamite bulgur wheat pancakes. .
(Lights out on Ian and Laura) .
MARIE .
I just got a call. Lyle lifted the injunction. And he wants to see .
me. .
ROB .
But…what about last night? .
MARIE .
 (getting dressed) .
Oh, come on, Bob. we were horny and we wanted to forget our .
exes. No sense in a broken heart getting in the way of a good time, .
right? .
ROB .
(beat) .
Right. .
.
58 .
(Lights switch to Ian’s apartment. He’s .
getting dressed.) .
LAURA .
Actually, Ian…I’d kill for a slab of bacon. .
IAN .
(chuckles) .
That’s exactly what you’d be doing - slaughtering some poor .
sow jacked up on hormones. Have you seen this PETA pamphlet? .
(hands her one) .
LAURA .
(opens pamphlet) .
Oh look - pictures. .
IAN .
I’m gonna call Tofu Connection and reserve the straw-mat in the .
corner. .
(heads off) .
LAURA .
Oh…okay. .
(Lights up on both apartments.) .
ROB .
I don’t suppose I could come along? Just to…meet Lyle? .
MARIE .
(little laugh) .
Yeah, right. .
(Marie takes off. Laura and Rob are left .
alone.) .
#13 - I SLEPT WITH SOMEONE (REPRISE) .
ROB .
I slept with someone LAURA .
I slept with someone .
who slept with Lyle Lovett .
who handled Kurt Cobain’s .
intervention .
I slept with someone .
I slept with someone .
who any guy would covet .
as he’s all too glad to mention .
ROB .
I’ll never make her liner notes .
.
59 .
LAURA .
I hate the things he cooks .
BOTH .
I slept with someone .
who was perfect on the books .
ROB .
we got along so brilliantly .
then had nothing to say .
LAURA .
who needs sex for more than .
twenty minutes in a day? .
BOTH .
just who is this person that I slept with anyway? .
LAURA .
God I’m so confused .
ROB .
Oh God I feel so used! .
ROB .
surely there’s a better LAURA .
safer .
BOTH .
warmer place to be .
I slept with someone… yippee. .
(Laura goes. Rob, left alone, addresses the .
audiences.) .
ROB .
Okay, here they are. The top five things I miss about Laura. One: .
her sense of humor. Very dry, but also surprisingly perverse .
Two: She’s got character. She’s loyal and honest, and if she’s .
having a bad day, she doesn’t take it out on other people. That’s .
character. .
.
60 .
ROB .
Three: I miss her smell, and the way she tastes. It’s a mystery of .
human chemistry, but some people, as far as your senses are .
concerned just...feel like home. .
Four: I really dig how she walks around. It’s like she doesn’t care .
how she looks or what she projects, and it’s not that she doesn’t .
care, it’s just...she’s not affected, I guess. And that gives her .
grace. .
Five: she does this thing in bed when she can’t get to sleep, she .
kinda half-moans and then rubs her feet together an equal number .
 of times. It just kills me. .
(beat) .
And Six, if you’ll indulge me - She eats like a man. Burgers, beer, .
chicken wings, you name it. And she doesn’t believe in napkins. I .
love that about her. .
(can’t help going on) .
Also, she used to call me at work just to talk, even though we saw .
each other all the time. .
And seven, or eight, I guess it’s eight - she hardly swears ever. .
Everyone else I know has a terrible potty mouth, but Laura has a .
real respect for the English language, and I admire that. .
(getting away from him now) .
Nine - I’m sorry but - nine - her Tetris addiction. Which she tries .
to hide from me. If I walk into the room and she’s at the computer, .
she immediately switches to this other screen with some legal .
document on it. But I know what she’s doing, and it’s cute - and I .
hate that word, but that’s what it is. .
Ten - she smirks in her sleep. I don’t know what she’s dreaming .
about, but it makes me wish I was with her. .
Anyway, those are the top five things I currently miss about her. .
.
61 .
Scene 2 .
ROB .
And now I do what I always do when I get in one of these moods. .
I put on Neil Young’s “Exit Sign.” .
#14 - EXIT SIGN .
NEIL YOUNG (Matt Caplan) .
(sings) .
I passed a toll booth .
I chipped my old tooth .
I’ve been a lookin’ for the exit sign… .
ROB NEIL YOUNG .
I hate that song. Because it always na na na na na .
reminds me of Alison Ashworth, .
and that rainy day under the middle school na na na na na .
bleachers when I caught her making out .
with Kevin Bannister. na na na na na na na .
ALISON .
(appears) .
I needed a change, Rob. We were in a rut. .
ROB NEIL YOUNG .
Which always brings me to that drizzly na na na na na .
day on the soccer field when Clark .
Thompson told me he bagged Penny na na na na na .
Hardwick, who wouldn’t even let me .
touch her breast when we were dating. na na na na na .
PENNY .
(appears) .
Clark was nice. na na na .
ROB .
Which then reminds me of standing outside Charlie Nicholson’s .
apartment in a downpour, locking eyes with the dreaded Marco as .
he lowered the shade. .
CHARLIE .
(appears) .
I’m sorry he called the cops, Rob. .
NEIL YOUNG .
…I’m still a lookin’ for the exit sign… .
.
62 .
ROB NEIL YOUNG .
And that of course leads me to Sarah na na na na na .
Kendrew telling me she was a .
lesbian at a rainy outdoor concert. na na na na na .
SARAH .
(appears) .
It was the Indigo Girls, Rob. na na na na na .
You should’ve seen it coming. na na na .
ROB .
What’s wrong with me? Seriously, what happened? Why am I .
doomed to be left? Doomed to be rejected? And why is it always .
raining? .
ROB & NEIL YOUNG .
…I keep a lookin’ for the exit sign… .
NEIL YOUNG .
and its eight o’ nine .
ROB .
I need answers. So I call Laura. Many times. Way too many .
times. And she never picks up. .
(Lights up suddenly on Rob and Liz at Crunch. .
Liz exercises.) .
LIZ .
You have got to stop calling her, Rob! You’re really upsetting her! .
And him. .
ROB .
I don’t care about him. .
LIZ .
Well you should. Because all you’re doing is forming a little unit. .
Them against you. Before you started all this psychotic madness, there .
was no unit. There was just three people in a mess. But now they’ve .
got something in common. It’s no wonder they slept together! .
ROB .
 Slept together?! .
LIZ .
Yes, and it’s your fault! .
ROB .
But she said she hadn’t slept with him yet! .
.
63 .
LIZ .
Yet, Rob! YET! The implication being she was bound to get .
around to it eventually. .
ROB .
That’s not the implication at all! If you said to me “I haven’t seen .
Evil Dead 2 yet,” you’re obviously not desperate to see it, .
otherwise you would’ve gone already! .
LIZ .
But we’re not talking about me taking in some shitty zombie flick! .
We’re talking about Laura sleeping with that jackass! .
ROB .
You don’t happen to have Ian’s address, do you? .
LIZ .
(beat) .
Don’t. .
ROB .
Don’t what? .
LIZ .
(off his look) .
Please, Rob. I know how you get. .
ROB .
What do you mean how I get? .
(Liz vanishes. Rob is outside Ian’s .
apartment in the pouring rain. The ex- .
girlfriends are also here.) .
#15 - CRYIN’ IN THE RAIN .
ROB .
(sings into a cell phone) .
Lauuura! .
Answer the phone, answer the phone! .
for fuck’ s sake won’t you .
answer the fucking phone! .
LAURA .
(answering) .
Hello? .
ROB .
Oh hi. It’s me. Rob. .
LAURA .
Rob, where are you? .
.
64 .
ROB LAURA .
Listen Laura, I just want to say-- I can’t really talk right now. .
(interrupting, singing) .
I think you’re running! .
You’re running scared, little girl! .
from the sharp point each relationship hits .
so you feel the need to blow it to bits .
but soon, you’re gonna wake and see .
you can run, little child, but you’ll never be free .
no you’ll never be free…no no no! .
have your fun, little child -- don’t you worry ‘bout me .
IAN .
Is that him? .
LAURA .
Ian— .
IAN .
Laura, he needs you to hang up. .
ROB .
Oh God! EX-GIRLFRIENDS/BACK-UPS .
don’t leave me cryin’ in the rain! cryin’ .
I’m always cryin’ in the rain! cryin’ in the rain .
God I hate cryin’ in the rain! cryin’ cryin in the rain .
LAURA .
Is that you outside? .
ROB .
I see you through the window .
looking so drawn and pale .
ROB .
oh how can you stand .
to be manhandled .
by that Steven Segal ponytail? EX-GIRLFRIENDS/BACK-UPS .
you needed to experiment needed .
and dickhead fit the bill dickhead .
but he doesn’t love you doesn’t love you .
and he’ll never understand you... ah - ah - .
like I will, like I wi--i--ll! like I will .
you can run, little child, ooh .
run .
but you’ll never be free ooh .
no you’ll never be free.. .
no .
.
65 .
ROB EX-GIRLFRIENDS/BACK-UPS .
no no no no ahh .
 have your fun, little child - .
fun .
don’t you worry ‘bout me ahh .
don’t you worry ‘bout me, .
no .
no, no, .
no .
no! .
(spoken) .
Hello? Hello? .
(sings) .
Lauuura! EX-GIRLFRIENDS/BACK-UPS .
don’t leave me cryin’ in the rain! cryin’ .
I’m always cryin’ in the rain! cryin’ in the rain .
God I hate cryin’ in the cryin’ cryin in the rain .
Lauuura! .
(He collapses in tears onto the wet pavement.) .
.
66 .
Scene 3 .
(Rob moves from the misery of “Cryin’ In .
The Rain” to Championship Vinyl. He’s .
being badgered by Barry. Rob is in a foul mood.) .
BARRY .
I am offering you an opportunity of a lifetime. .
ROB .
By letting your band perform in the store? .
BARRY .
No need to thank me. .
ROB .
It’s not gonna happen, Barry. .
BARRY .
It’ll bring in a new crowd. .
ROB .
I don’t care. .
BARRY .
Wow, this whole time I thought not having customers was a bad .
thing - not, like, a business strategy. .
ROB .
You’re funny. .
BARRY .
Come on man, we can make it a thing. Ya’ know every Saturday .
night. You can DJ again. Dick can…run a lemonade stand or .
something. .
ROB .
Seriously, are you still talking? .
BARRY .
I’ll just let the band know you’re mulling it over. .
ROB .
I’m not mulling it over. .
BARRY .
You think about it, and get back to me. .
ROB .
No. .
.
67 .
BARRY .
I’ll let you sleep on it. .
ROB .
Barry— .
(But Dick enters with a mop, and Barry is .
onto his next victim…) .
BARRY .
Hey Dick, guess who I saw on my lunch break? .
DICK .
Your dietician? .
BARRY .
You know that’s Thursdays, smart-ass. It was your girlfriend, and .
you might be interested to know that I followed her into another .
record store. .
DICK .
Um, she’s not my girlfriend. And more to the point, why were .
you, um, following her? .
BARRY .
I had to, it was Coconuts. She was buying a CD at Coconuts. .
DICK .
It’s not against the law, Barry. .
BARRY .
Dude, it was John Tesh. She was buying a copy of John fucking Tesh! .
(Stunned silence. Dick looks as if someone .
just told him he has cancer.) .
DICK .
That’s not true. You take it back. .
BARRY .
I’m sorry, man. I wish I wasn’t the one to have to tell you. .
DICK .
You’re lying! You just want me to be unhappy like you! Just .
because your band sucks— .
BARRY .
My band doesn’t suck! We’re just finding our voice! And that tape .
was just a jam session! I should never have let you listen to it! .
.
68 .
 DICK .
You’re a mean sonofabitch, Barry! .
TMPMITW .
Yes, he is mean. You know what he said to me yesterday? .
DICK AND BARRY .
Shut up, T-M-P-M-I-T-W! .
(The door opens, and Anna enters with a bag from .
Coconuts. Dick looks like he’s going to cry.) .
ANNA .
Hey. .
GUYS .
Hey. .
DICK .
Um, what’s in the bag? .
ANNA .
Oh, sorry. Your competition, I know. But I got it for you. .
(pulls out John Tesh CD) .
Do you know him? John Tesh? I think he’s pretty great. Live at .
Red Rocks? .
(off their blank look) .
He used to be on Entertainment Tonight. With Mary Hart? .
(more blank looks) .
Since you showed me the music you like, I thought… .
(awkward silence) .
Something wrong? .
(Barry looks to Dick, who is clearly torn.) .
DICK .
Um, we don’t…we don’t want that. That CD. .
ANNA .
Oh. .
DICK .
It’s not really…um, our taste. .
ANNA .
Right. Okay. .
DICK .
Sorry. .
.
69 .
ANNA .
(feels a little foolish now) .
Whatever. No worries. I’ve got the receipt. .
DICK .
Oh, that’s good then. It’s always smart to save receipts. .
ANNA .
Right. Well I should go bring this back then. .
(She puts the CD back in the bag, and heads .
for the door. They watch her go. She stops .
in the doorway and turns back.) .
ANNA .
You could’ve just taken it and said thank you. Dick. .
(She goes. Silence.) .
BARRY .
Whoa. Talk about dodging a bullet. .
DICK .
(tries to smile) .
Yeah, big time. .
(The door opens again. Dick turns .
expectantly. Is Anna back? But no, it’s Ian .
who swaggers in. Rob darkens. Gunfighter .
eyes. Ian approaches him.) .
ROB .
Can I help you? .
IAN .
Hello, Rob. Remember me? Ian? .
(no response) .
I thought maybe we should talk. Sort things out? .
(Rob is disoriented/angry. Dick and Barry's .
ears perk up.) .
ROB .
What things? .
IAN .
Ten phone calls a night, hanging around outside my house... .
ROB .
I've stopped all that now. .
.
70 .
IAN .
You were there this morning. .
(moves in closer) .
Usually this kind of obsessive acting out signifies a bigger .
problem. I can help if you’d like. Conflict resolution is my job. .
ROB .
There’s nothing to resolve. .
IAN .
(smiles) .
That’s exactly what Kurt Cobain said. .
(to Barry) .
I handled his intervention. .
BARRY .
Oh yeah? How’d that work out for ya? .
(Ian’s smile cracks just a little. He turns .
back to Rob.) .
IAN .
Look, I know better than anyone how special Laura is. But I'd like .
to believe that if she decided she didn't want to see me anymore, I'd .
respect her decision. Know what I'm saying, Robbo? .
ROB .
Yeah. .
(The bell on the door jingles as a customer enters.) .
IAN .
So shall we leave it at that then? .
(Rob glares, sure of himself, righteous. .
Slasher guitar music kicks in a la .
“Barracuda.” or “Welcome to the Jungle.” .
Rob advances menacingly toward Ian.) .
#16 - CONFLICT RESOLUTION .
ROB .
(sings) .
Aaaaaaaaa--ah! .
DICK .
Don’t do it Rob! .
ROB .
(to IAN) .
Leave town! Leave the country! .
.
71 .
ROB .
Little Bitch .
you’re gonna feel my rage! IAN .
You’re gonna look back at ten phone calls a night aaah! .
as a motherfucking golden age! .
ROB .
you'll be home to the maggots and fleas .
I'm going to bring you to your sha-na-na-na-na-na .
knees knees! .
your shan-na-na-na-na-na knees! .
(BLACKOUT. Lights up.) .
CUT TO FANTASY #2 .
IAN .
Know what I'm saying, Robbo? .
ROB .
Yeah. .
(The bell on the door jingles as a customer enters.) .
IAN .
So shall we leave it at that then? .
ALL THREE .
here’s our conflict resolution! .
time for the final solution! .
DICK .
gonna punish your doughy white body! .
with a taste of my .
ALL .
Haaaaaiiiii! Karate! .
BARRY .
you’ve breathed your last breath sucka .
ROB .
resolve this conflict .
ROB, DICK, BARRY .
mother fuckah! .
(BLACKOUT. Lights up.) .
.
72 .
CUT TO FANTASY #3 .
IAN .
Know what I'm saying, Robbo? .
ROB .
Yeah. .
(The bell on the door jingles as a customer enters.) .
IAN .
So shall we leave it at that then? .
ROB .
How bout we leave it at this? .
(Rob shoots Ian) .
ROB .
I’m so tired of hearing your mouth run .
popped a cap on your ass, now you’re done son .
BARRY .
Attention shoppers! There’s blood on the flo’ .
DICK .
we got a one eight seven on aisle fo’ .
ROB .
now you know how much your life is worth .
this was your .
ROB, BARRY, DICK HIPSTER (Andrew) .
last real record store on earth what .
earth earth earth what what what .
BITCHES .
ROB It’s a better place you’ve gone to .
You better hope its better I pray the Lord your soul to save .
Pathetic rebound fuck while you rest up there in heaven .
Yeah yeah yeah! .
I’ll be pissin’ on your grave .
I will be pissin on your grave .
got my ho’s *beep* down pissin on your grave .
and a magnum of .
Kris .
 pissin on your grave .
.
73 .
ROB .
I’m gonna *beep* you in the *beep .
with my mother-fuckin’ *beep* BITCHES .
pray the lord your soul to save .
girl open up his mouth ‘cause I’m ready to .
ROB, BARRY, DICK .
Piss pissin’ pissin’ pissin’ on your grave! .
Now you’ve had a taste of my big black glock .
how about a taste of my *beeeeep* .
(BLACKOUT. Lights up.) .
CUT BACK TO REALITY .
IAN .
Know what I'm saying, Robbo? .
ROB .
Yeah. .
(The bell on the door jingles as a customer enters.) .
IAN .
So shall we leave it at that then? .
ROB .
(beat - lame) .
Yeah. Fine. .
IAN .
Terrific. This is a great first step, Rob. If you wanna talk some .
more, gimme a call. .
(beat) .
Just not when Laura’s there. .
(Ian hands him his card, and walks out. .
Rob looks spent. The guys actually feel .
badly for him. The store drifts off, and .
Rob’s apartment comes on as Rob addresses .
the audience…) .
.
74 .
Scene 4 .
ROB .
You know the worst part? That dipshit might have a point. I .
should just forget her. The trouble is, I haven’t forgotten a girl .
since seventh grade. I don’t think I know how. .
(Rob collapses onto his sofa and clicks on a .
Bruce Springsteen video for comfort) .
ROB .
I bet you never had these problems. Did ya, Bruce? .
BRUCE .
(on Video; to a cheering crowd) .
Is there anybody alive tonight? .
ROB .
(to the audience) .
Oh man, the Boss. .
BRUCE .
(on Video; to a cheering crowd) .
Is there anybody alive?! .
#17 - GOODBYE AND GOOD LUCK .
ROB .
(sings) .
Why can’t I be like the Boss? .
‘cause being like me is no fun. .
why was I doomed to be left? .
why wasn’t I born to run? .
why can’t I let loose of this heavy load - .
of rage and of pain? .
why can’t I be from Thunder Road .
and not from Pudding Hill Lane? .
with my girl on stage there smiling across? .
even for one night .
why can’t I be like the Boss? .
whoa whoa .
why can’t I be like the Boss? .
whoa whoa-oh-a .
why can’t I be like the— .
BRUCE .
Why can’t you, Rob? .
ROB .
What? .
.
75 .
BRUCE .
Why can’t you be like me? .
ROB .
Boss?! .
BRUCE .
Please, call me Mr. Springsteen. You know, with your Top five .
Break-Ups - why don’t you get in touch with them. .
ROB .
Why would I? .
BRUCE .
Well, it’s like in “Bobby Jean?” .
ROB .
Where you call the girl up but she’s left town, and you’re pissed .
off that you didn’t know about it? .
BRUCE .
 Right, ‘cause I wanted to say good-bye and that I missed her, and .
to wish her good luck. “Closure.” Same with your Top five: .
(sings) .
why don’t you call them like the ghosts .
that roam the Main Street of the Steel Town .
where the Plant’s been closed .
since Veteran’s Day .
ROB .
What Plant? .
BRUCE .
you’re a lost soul drowning .
in the mem’ries that haunt you .
all those pretty bare feet running into the night .
-- see them running away .
ROB .
But what would I say? .
BRUCE .
just tell ‘em how you are .
and ask ‘em how they are .
then look into their eyes .
and talk without making a sound .
then you can forgive them for messing around .
and they can forgive you for messing around .
.
76 .
BRUCE .
yeah you can forgive them for messing around! .
and they can forgive you for messing around! .
think how good you’ll be feeling then! .
shining like the chrome on your bike .
all revved up and ready to start again .
laughing as you’re thinking back to when .
love was something you didn’t like .
so bottled up with pain you might explode .
so if you want to be lifted of your heavy load .
Say goodbye and good luck to your top five break-ups .
and move on down the road! .
ROB .
Say what? .
BRUCE .
Say goodbye and good luck to your top five break-ups .
and move on down the road! .
ROB .
Alison who ditched me .
after three days in the park? .
BRUCE .
Call her! .
ROB .
Penny who wouldn’t let me feel her up .
then had sex with that bastard Clark? .
BRUCE .
Cold! .
ROB .
Charlie who was too much for my heart to defend. .
Sarah who was safe, but then turned gay in the end! .
ROB/BRUCE .
Laura who made me/you the mess that I am/you are today! .
BRUCE .
Say goodbye and good luck to your top five break-ups .
and move on down the road! .
ROB .
Thanks Mr. Springsteen! .
.
77 .
BRUCE .
Hey! Why don’t you call me the Boss? .
ROB .
Wow. .
BRUCE .
Now go do it to it! .
[MUSIC vamps softly underneath.] .
(Four phones ring and the ex-girlfriends appear) .
ALISON .
Hello? .
PENNY .
(a la Duane on What’s Happening) .
Hey-HEY-hey. .
CHARLIE .
Pronto? .
SARAH .
Yo. .
[MUSIC in.] .
ROB .
(sings) .
Well hey there I just called to say hello .
and wish you well and that I cherish those times we shared .
despite what you did .
ALISON .
Who is this? .
ROB .
though you wouldn’t even let me touch your breast .
then gave it up for Clark .
let’s put the past to rest: .
 hey! you were only a kid. .
PENNY .
How’d you get this number? .
ROB .
sure I was naive then, my heart-on-my sleeve then .
and I never quite got my feet back on the ground .
.
78 .
CHARLIE .
There’s my call-waiting! .
SARAH .
I’m a dyke! .
ROB .
but girl I forgive you for messing around .
and I hope you forgive me for messing around .
just know I forgive you for messing around .
and I pray you forgive me for messin’ around -- .
LAURA .
(interrupting - genuine concern for him) .
Rob, this is getting crazy. I am really worried about you. .
ROB .
Well don’t be. It’s why I’m calling. I’m ready to say goodbye, .
and good luck, and I’ll miss you. .
LAURA .
(beat - a pang of hurt) .
Oh. Really? .
ROB .
Yeah, it’s better for me to let go. So I can be happy again. Like you said. .
LAURA .
(tries to not sound hurt) .
Like I said? .
ROB .
Yeah, I can finally see what you were talking about. This is better .
for both of us. .
LAURA .
(not believing it) .
Right. Okay. .
ROB .
Well, I’ll see you around. .
LAURA .
Rob— .
ROB .
(correcting himself) .
Sorry. No. Won’t see you around, I mean. Won’t see you around. Bye, Laura. .
(He hangs up. Laura is gone.) .
.
79 .
ROB .
(sings) .
now I‘m feelin’ clean and new and fresh! .
shining like the chrome on my bike! BRUCE .
Schwinn! .
ROB .
all revved up and ready to start again! .
BRUCE .
yeah -- you’re laughin’ as you’re thinkin’ back to when .
love was somethin’ you didn’t like .
ROB .
I put an end to that old episode .
BOTH .
and if you want to be lifted of your heavy load .
say goodbye and good luck to my/your top five break ups .
and move on down the road! .
say goodbye and good luck to my/your top five break ups .
BRUCE .
Ciao and adios to your top five break-ups. .
BOTH .
So long and sayonara .
To that old pain and sorra .
ROB .
I’m movin’ on down! .
BRUCE .
You won’t stick around! .
ROB .
I’m movin’ on down… .
BOTH .
The ro-o-o-oad! .
.
80 .
Scene 5 .
(Championship Vinyl. It’s the end of .
another day. Rob is energized, renewed, .
ready to start life again.) .
ROB .
So listen, Roscoe’s has that Austrian girl-band playing tonight if .
you’re interested. .
BARRY .
Viener-Viener? .
ROB .
Remember that blonde on the sousaphone? She was into me. And .
I’m ready to get back up on the horse. Primed for a night out. .
Whadaya say? A few beers, some old-school Miss Pac-Man? .
BARRY .
 I can’t. I got some lyrics to hammer out. .
ROB .
(beat) .
Lyrics? .
BARRY .
Yeah, the band’s got an audition for a gig coming up. .
ROB .
You don’t have an audition. .
BARRY .
What are you, jealous? .
ROB .
No. .
BARRY .
You had your chance, buddy. You didn’t wanna book us in here, .
so screw you. We’re going to the Banh Mi Saigon. .
ROB .
You’re auditioning to perform in a Vietnamese sub shop? .
BARRY .
What’d you think, I was gonna stick around here the rest of my .
life? You people are dead-weight. .
ROB .
But Friday is club night. That’s what we do. .
.
81 .
BARRY .
Well I’m busy. .
(as Dick enters) .
Take the Dickster instead. .
DICK .
Actually, I have plans. With Anna. .
BARRY .
Holy shit-balls! .
DICK .
She’s invited me to a concert. .
BARRY .
I thought we were clear on this, Dick. .
DICK .
We’re seeing John Tesh. .
BARRY .
(beat - genuine concern) .
What’s wrong, buddy? Did she do something to you? Is it mind .
control? She’s not a Scientologist, is she? .
ROB .
Shut up, Barry. .
BARRY .
No, he needs to know! We have nothing in common with this girl! .
DICK .
(sings) .
#18 - IT’S NO PROBLEM (REPRISE) .
It’s no problem - so she doesn’t like the Clash .
and she likes “Achy Breaky Heart” .
-- and thinks it’s sung by Johnny Cash .
BARRY .
Words fail. .
DICK .
she’s really into learning stuff - so it should be okay .
but if she weren’t, I’d still like her anyway .
‘cause she’s pretty and real nice and smart and not too short .
and also not too tall .
so it’s no problem... no problem at all. .
it’s no problem .
though our tastes may disagree .
she may not like the things I like .
.
82 .
DICK .
but she says she likes me. .
(Anna enters, unseen by Dick, and listens to .
him sing,) .
DICK .
and her laughing .
is my fav’rite sound by far .
and I’m thinking, .
it’s not what you like that counts, but who you are .
when it comes to favorite Beatle .
mine is George, .
ANNA .
and mine is Paul. .
DICK .
but it’s no problem… .
ANNA .
It’s no problem… .
BOTH .
It’s no problem-em-em-em-em-em-em .
a-a-a-a-at all. .
(Dick grabs his coat and holds the door open .
for Anna. They walk off as their theme .
music blasts dramatically.) .
BARRY .
(after a stunned beat) .
Wow, that makes absolutely no sense. .
(beat) .
Well, I’m off to buy a rhyming dictionary! Wish me luck! .
 (Barry takes off, leaving Rob alone with .
TMPMITW. Rob begins to close down the .
store over the following…) .
TMPMITW .
Well, the little ones are finally leaving the nest, eh? Flying off to .
new horizons. While you and I are left among the dusty bins of .
long-forgotten folkies and punks. .
ROB .
You gotta go. .
.
83 .
TMPMITW .
If I had a nickel for every time I heard that… .
ROB .
Seriously, I’m closing up. .
TMPMITW .
Very well, if you would just do me the pleasure of ringing up this .
Marie LaSalle Compact Disk then I will take my leave of you. .
ROB .
Consider it a gift. .
TMPMITW .
You’re thinking about your lady-friend aren’t you? .
ROB .
No, I’m not. .
TMPMITW .
You know, I loved a girl once. It didn’t work out for me either. .
You and I, we’re like kindred spirits. .
(big smile) .
Well, goodnight. .
(sings as he goes) .
You’re just like me. Alone and sad… .
(And he goes. Rob turns to the audience.) .
ROB .
The Most Pathetic Man in the World has just called me his kindred .
spirit. I am disturbed to my very core. And this moment .
immediately becomes one of my all-time top-five low-points, the .
other four of which temporarily escape me. .
(Suddenly the shop door is thrown open, and .
Liz comes marching in like she always does.) .
ROB .
(sure he’ll be called an asshole again) .
Aw, Jesus. Liz, please don’t. I’m not in the mood to— .
LIZ .
Laura’s dad died. .
ROB .
(beat - stunned) .
What? .
.
84 .
LIZ .
They thought he was doing better, but apparently he wasn’t, so… .
And Laura’s a mess, I just talked to her. .
ROB .
Wow. Okay. .
LIZ .
So…just giving you the heads up. In case you wanted to, I don’t .
know, call her or something. .
ROB .
(beat) .
Yeah, that might be a little awkward. .
LIZ .
Awkward. .
ROB .
Yeah, since we’re…not together at all. I wouldn’t want to…you .
know. I would feel weird. .
LIZ .
Well, we wouldn’t want you to feel weird. .
ROB .
(knows where this is going) .
Okay… .
LIZ .
He didn’t die to inconvenience you, you know. .
ROB .
Shut up, Liz. .
LIZ .
If you don’t want to be there for Laura, that’s your business, but I .
am telling you right now, I’m done with this bullshit. I’m not .
holding your hand anymore, Rob. .
ROB .
Is that a promise? .
LIZ .
(getting really pissed now) .
I swear to God, you act like everyone is a supporting actor in your .
life-story. This is about Laura, not you. Not everything is about .
you. .
ROB .
That’s not fair. .
.
85 .
LIZ .
Oh? .
ROB .
And don’t fucking say “Oh” like that. I am not the bad-guy, Liz. .
 I’m not. Not all the time, at least. .
LIZ .
Rob— .
ROB .
No, I can either stick up for myself, or I can believe everything you .
say about me and end up hating myself every minute of the day. .
And maybe you think I should, but that’s not much of a life, is it? .
I can’t go on apologizing my whole life. .
LIZ .
(beat) .
I think just the once would do. .
(Silence. And then Liz goes. Rob looks .
after her. .
And then, left utterly alone, he grabs his .
keys and heads out, the grate closing as the .
set changes.) .
.
86 .
Scene 6 .
(The set shifts to the garden of an apartment .
somewhere in the Village. Through the .
french doors, mourners move about the post- .
funeral reception inside. Dick, Barry and .
Anna have stepped outside for some air.) .
BARRY .
Wow, that was a downer. .
DICK .
It was a funeral, Barry. .
BARRY .
Still… .
(suddenly) .
Top five songs about death - a Laura's Dad Tribute List. .
DICK .
(looks around nervously) .
Oh, um, I don’t know if that’s really appropriate… .
BARRY .
"Leader of the Pack." The guy deeps it on his motorcycle and dies, .
right? .
DICK .
Seriously, Barry, this is kinda… .
BARRY .
"Tell Laura I Love Her." The mom could’ve sung it at the service. .
It would’ve brought the house down. .
DICK .
(finding it hard to resist the game) .
That’s true, but… .
BARRY .
“Cemetary Polka,” Tom Waits. “Dead Shrimp Blues.” .
DICK .
There’s always, um, “Dead” by the Pixies. .
BARRY .
There ya go! .
DICK .
And “Fly on the Windscreen” by Depeche Mode. .
.
87 .
BARRY .
“Not Dark Yet.” - Bob Dylan! .
ANNA .
(whispers) .
What about “Wreck of the Edmund Fitzgerald” by Gordon Lightfoot? .
(The guys turn to her as one, expressionless.) .
BARRY .
(mutters) .
That is so good it should’ve been mine. Ya little bastard! .
(Dick & Barry ad lib praise to Anna. Liz sees Barry .
and approaches.) .
ANNA .
Yeah. That’s right! .
LIZ .
Hey, guys. .
DICK, BARRY, & ANNA .
(back to funeral mode) .
Hey… .
BARRY .
(re: reception inside) .
Bummer, huh? .
LIZ .
Yeah. Big time. .
BARRY .
(awkward beat) .
So, hey, this probably isn’t the best time to ask, but did you get a .
chance to listen to that tape of my band I gave you or… .
DICK .
Barry… .
BARRY .
What? I’m just asking. .
LIZ .
I did, actually. And it was really great. .
BARRY .
Yeah? And could you hear the German influence? .
.
88 .
 LIZ .
Absolutely. .
BARRY .
You should come hear us play some time. .
LIZ .
Definitely. I’d love that. .
BARRY .
Great. Great… .
(Awkward pause. Laura steps outside, needing a .
break from the condolences. Liz sees her.) .
LIZ .
Well, I’m gonna… .
(motions to Laura) .
BARRY .
Okay. I’ll be here. .
(Liz smiles sheepishly, and heads over to .
Laura. Dick and Anna stare at Barry, a little .
dumbstruck.) .
BARRY .
(off their look) .
What? .
DICK .
Nothing. .
(Ian steps outside, looking for Laura.) .
IAN .
Oh good, you’re here. .
LAURA .
Yeah, I just wanted to get some air, so— .
IAN .
(to everyone out there) .
Hey folks - if I could have everyone’s attention, I’d like to say a .
few words. .
LAURA .
Oh Ian, you really don’t have to— .
.
89 .
IAN .
No, it’s okay. I want to. Since there wasn’t an available slot for .
me to speak at the memorial service. .
(back to crowd) .
If everyone could join hands please… .
BARRY .
(whispers to Dick) .
Wow, dinner and a show. How sweet is this? .
(People are confused, and awkwardly gather .
in a circle. Laura seems especially .
uncomfortable.) .
IAN .
It is so hard to speak of a man I’ve never met. And yet I am .
compelled to do so. The passing of Kenneth affects us all in a .
profound way. .
LAURA .
(politely) .
If you don’t mind - Ken. Nobody called him Kenneth. His name .
was Ken. .
(Rob steps out into the garden, unnoticed. .
He’s wearing a suit, and looks incredibly .
uncomfortable. He stands back, watching.) .
IAN .
There is an old Italian proverb that goes…"At the end of the game, .
the king and the pawn go back in the same box." How true that is. .
(lets that sink in) .
And I think it’s something Laura’s father would have agreed with. .
Though, as I mentioned, I myself never met him. But perhaps I .
will, in another lifetime. .
(sings) .
#19 - IAN’S PRAYER .
Let’s say our farewell now .
as he goes to his next station .
and wish him swift and blessed pain free .
re-reincarnation .
(chants in growing intensity) .
Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh! .
Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh! .
Ahhhhhhhhhhh--- .
LAURA .
(cries out, piercing his chanting) .
Ahhhhhhhhhh! .
.
90 .
(Laura rushes to the other end of the garden. .
There’s an awkward silence. .
No one is sure what to do, least of all Ian. .
And then Barry turns to him.) .
BARRY .
Wow, you’re really good at this. .
LIZ .
(to everyone out here) .
Okay, Laura needs a little space. If everyone could just… .
(Rob steps into the shadows as the guests quickly .
head back inside.) .
IAN .
(is about to head over to Laura) .
 I think maybe I should— .
LIZ .
No, you’ve done so much already. .
IAN .
You think so? .
LIZ .
(she means it) .
Really. She just needs a little time alone right now. .
(Liz takes Ian by the arm and leads him back .
inside. She’s about to go over and take care .
of Laura, when she spots Rob. .
He motions for her to go inside. Liz smiles, .
nods, and heads in, closing the doors behind her. .
After a pause, Rob approaches…) .
LAURA .
You made it. .
ROB .
I’ve been here the whole time actually, I was just— .
LAURA .
Hiding, I know, I saw you. .
ROB .
I wasn’t hiding, I was just…giving you your space. .
.
91 .
LAURA .
Glad someone is. .
ROB .
I’m sorry about your dad, Laura. .
LAURA .
He really liked you, you know. My dad. Ever since you gave him .
that Pippin album. .
ROB .
He warned me about you. .
LAURA .
You’re funny. .
ROB .
I wasn’t being funny. He really warned me about you. .
LAURA .
He’d be happy you were here. I appreciate your showing up. .
ROB .
Of course. .
LAURA .
(beat) .
Nice suit. .
ROB .
Oh, thanks. .
LAURA .
How’s the cat? .
ROB .
What cat?...Kidding. She’s fine. She misses you. .
LAURA .
He. .
ROB .
Right, he. He misses you. .
LAURA .
Well, I miss him too. .
(This hangs in the air.) .
.
92 .
ROB .
I hope this isn’t too weird, but… .
(hands her a check from his pocket) .
This is the money I owe you. I know it’s a little late but— And it has .
nothing to do with anything else. Obviously it doesn’t solve the .
twenty other things between us, I know that, but I did owe you the .
money, and I didn’t know when I was gonna see you again so… .
LAURA .
Where did you get four thousand dollars? .
ROB .
I sold my 45’s to TMPMITW. .
LAURA .
What are you talking about? .
ROB .
The mother-lode. The Otis Redding originals. The Elvis, The Sex Pistols… .
LAURA .
I don’t want you to get rid of the stuff you love, Rob. .
ROB .
No, I’ve put a lot of thought into this, Laura, which I don’t .
generally do. Usually I just do what my gut tells me to. .
But the fact is I’ve been following my gut since I was fourteen, and .
I’ve come to the conclusion that my guts have shit for brains. .
LAURA .
Nice. .
#20 - LAURA, LAURA .
ROB .
(sings simply and soulfully) .
I made a list of ev’rything .
That’s gone on between you and me .
And even an idiot like me could see .
No matter how you add it up .
When you read the bottom line .
The fault was usually mine .
The stupid things I’ve said and done .
 If I could change just even one .
The thing I’d say would be: .
Laura, Laura…I’m so sorry .
.
93 .
ROB .
It’s become my trade in stock .
to always jump from rock to rock .
Chasing fantasies that don’t come through. .
Thought I was happy just to coast .
But it’s me who needed you the most .
Of course that’s something I could never own up to .
I want to look you in the face to say .
What I never had the grace to say .
When you were still with me: .
Laura, Laura…I’m so sorry. .
For ev’rything you’re going through .
And ev’rything I can’t undo, .
Please accept this small apology. .
Oh Laura, Laura… .
Sweet, sweet Laura .
Laura, Laura….. .
For letting you down… .
For letting you go… .
I’m so sorry. .
(Rob takes her hand gently, and gives it a little .
squeeze. Then he heads out. Laura is left alone.) .
(And we transition to…) .
#21 - SATURDAY NIGHT GIRL .
THE SKIDS .
Wif my Sat’ aday Noight Girl .
she’ll always treat me roight! .
wif my Sat’ aday Noight Girl .
ev’ry noight will be -- Sat’ a day noight! .
SKIDS .
Oi! Oi! Oi! .
Sat’ a day noight! .
Oi! Oi! Oi! .
Sat’ a day noight! .
Sat’ a day n--oi--ght! .
.
94 .
Scene 7 .
(Championship Vinyl. It’s after-hours. .
Music blares. Party lights. Rob is spinning .
records and totally in his element. Everyone .
is here and having a great time. As the .
music dies down, Rob grabs mic.) .
ROB .
Thank you! That was that was some old-school punk with the .
Skids’ “Saturday Night Girl.” .
(The crowd whoops it up.) .
I just wanted to thank everybody for coming out to the first night .
of Championship After-Dark. As pathetic as the turnout is, it’s .
still twice as many people as we’ve ever had in this place at one .
time. We’re gonna try to continue this tradition every Saturday .
night, so if you have any friends, please tell them. .
Also a big shout-out to my friend Liz for printing up the invitations. .
(holds up postcards) .
And to Dick, for providing the lemonade. .
DICK .
(tipsy) .
It’s spiked! .
ROB .
And so are you. .
DICK .
Woohoo! .
ROB .
And now for the bad news. I have to introduce Barry’s band. .
BARRY .
Up yours, Rob! .
ROB .
Ladies and gentlemen, fresh from their horribly botched audition at .
the Banh Mi Saigon, where they are now banned for life, against .
my better judgment. I give you…Sonic Death Monkey. .
LIZ .
Yeah! .
(Scattered claps. Barry, in a black robe takes the .
stage ominously. His band includes the Guy with .
the Mohawk and TMPMITW, also in robes.) .
.
95 .
BARRY .
A tone poem: .
ROB .
Oh God, no. .
#22 - TURN THE WORLD OFF (AND TURN YOU ON) .
BARRY .
Where’s the ‘Off’’ switch, Mother? .
‘Off’ - as in the absence of ‘On’ .
‘Off’ - as in the absence of sound, absence of light, absence of .
pain, nay, absence of YOU! .
someone’s gone off with the Off .
 and until death .
there is. no. off. .
shall ye go then to the wolves of night, my love. .
and give them thine tender flesh? .
louder, faster, funnier, deadlier, more, more, .
choices upon choices, .
like bodies upon bodies, litter the landscape of our lives .
baying insanities, inanities, .
their steely jaws blistering howls of profanities .
and I-just-want-to-I-just-want-to.....turn the world OFF! .
(The robes are ripped off. Underneath are .
hipster suits. Barry launches into a smooth .
soulful song) .
BARRY MOHAWK GUY & TMPMITW .
And turn you .
o-o-o-on baby o-o-o-on baby .
I just wanna .
turn the world off - turn the world off - .
and turn you .
on! yeah, yeah, yeah! on! yeah, yeah, yeah! .
(Much to Rob’s disbelief, Barry is now singing .
like Marvin Gaye, Al Green, and Barry White .
all rolled into one. Everyone cheers.) .
BARRY .
unplug the phone and all that we own - .
come lie here next to me - oh yeah - .
try a different brand of happiness - than they're selling on TV .
uh huh-uh .
.
96 .
BARRY .
you won't even need the clothes that you're in .
for the vacation we're about to begin .
ah honey let's go tra-ve-lin' -- and visit every inch of your skin .
‘cause baby baby baby .
I just wanna .
BARRY & MOHAWK GUY & TMPMITW .
Turn the world off. .
BARRY .
…and turn you .
BARRY MOHAWK GUY & TMPMITW .
o-o-o-o-on on .
baby! I wanna turn you on, turn you on .
Give you all the love you’re worthy of. Give you all the love you’re worthy of. .
In a lovin’ marathon In a lovin’ marathon .
oh...oh... lovin’ marathon! .
so let's stay home sugar .
and let our friends talk about us and let our friends talk about us .
and just for one night .
let the world turn without us! let the world turn without us! .
Let’s turn the world off, baby! .
…I wanna turn you on. …I wanna turn you on. .
BARRY .
Ladies and gentlemen - On my right, suffering from a chronic case .
of bad-hair-day, I give you Klepto-Boy. .
And to my left, he’s 38 and just moved out of his parents’ .
basement - giving up his crown as The Most Pathetic Man in the .
World - I give you, Donald Kleinman…of Harmonic Disturbance. .
(Applause. Rob turns to the audience.) .
ROB .
I’ve started to make a tape in my head for Laura. Full of stuff .
she’d like. Full of stuff that’d make her happy. For the first time, I .
can sorta see how that’s done. And of course she’s not around to .
reap the benefits. Which, I guess, is exactly what I deserve. .
(Laura, appears beside him.) .
LAURA .
Hey. .
.
97 .
ROB .
Oh, shit, hi. Hey. Wow, you’re-- What are you doing here? .
LAURA .
(holds up postcard) .
Rob, you sent me like twenty of these things. .
ROB .
Still, I didn’t think you’d show. .
LAURA .
You look good. You look— .
ROB .
(cutting her off) .
Don’t say it. .
LAURA .
Well you do, you look happy. .
ROB .
Well yeah, now I do, but you should’ve seen me ten minutes ago, .
“She’s not gonna show, Liz. She hates me and she’s not gonna show.” .
LAURA .
Liz knew I was coming, I told her yesterday. .
ROB .
Huh, she neglected to mention that. .
LAURA .
She’s evil. .
ROB .
 Yes, apparently she is. .
LAURA .
(takes in the event, impressed) .
So you arranged all this yourself then. I’m impressed. .
ROB .
I’m trying, Laura. .
LAURA .
It’s nice to see. .
(re: the performance) .
And Barry, huh? .
ROB .
Yeah. .
.
98 .
LAURA .
You weakened. .
ROB .
So did you. I hope. .
(awkward beat) .
You have weakened, haven’t you? A little bit maybe? I mean, .
you’re here, so…Or maybe you were just in the neighborhood and .
in need of some Art Garfunkel. Which we don’t have by the way. .
But I can get it, if that’s what you want. Whatever you want, .
Laura, I swear. Even if it’s Art Garfunkel. .
LAURA .
Rob? .
ROB .
Yeah? I’m gonna shut up now. .
LAURA .
(sings) .
I made this list of all your faults .
it was quite detailed and lengthy too .
and when I read it through…I missed you. .
you’re like a classic Eagles song .
you just can’t help but sing along .
even though it sometimes gets annoying too. .
ROB .
Thank you? .
LAURA .
I just know I want to be .
wherever I can wake and see .
you there next to me… .
ROB .
oh Laura, Laura— .
LAURA .
that is-- if you’re free? .
ROB .
I’m pretty sure I’m free… .
LAURA ALL .
I want to come home ooh ooh ooh .
ROB .
oh Laura come home… ooh ooh ooh .
.
99 .
BOTH ALL .
be with me… aah aah .
BARRY .
Baby baby baby! .
I’m just wanna… MOHAWK & TMPMITW .
turn the world off turn the world off ENSEMBLE .
turn it off, turn it off .
oh and turn you hoo .
(Rob and Laura kiss passionately) .
o-o-o-o-o-on o-o-o-o-o-on .
turn you on .
I’m gonna turn you on I’m gonna turn you on .
turn you on turn you on .
Gonna take control .
and rock your soul rock your soul .
and send you smiling .
towards the dawn dawn .
smilin’ towards the dawn smilin’ towards the dawn .
cause there’s nothing I .
could buy and Woo hoo .
no high could measure .
no high could measure .
with hearing you sigh sigh .
and shudder with pleasure hoo woo .
shudder with pleasure .
I just wanna turn the world off! .
ENSEMBLE .
turn the world off .
BARRY & LIZ .
I just wanna turn the world off! .
ENSEMBLE .
turn the world off .
BARRY & MOHAWK GUY & TMPMITW .
I just wanna turn the world off! .
ENSEMBLE .
turn the world off .
BARRY .
And turn you… .
sweet, sweet lady… .
 I wanna turn you .
.
100 .
ALL .
ON! .
ROB .
That was Sonic Death Monkey! Good night! .
BARRY .
And Shalom! .
(The crowd goes nuts as the lights go out.) .
ALL .
I’m gonna turn the world off and turn you on! .
ROB .
You turn me on! .
ALL .
I’m gonna turn the world off and turn you on! .
LAURA .
Baby you just keep on turnin’ me on .
COUPLES .
I’m gonna ENSEMBLE .
turn the world off turn it off and turn you on .
I’m gonna ENSEMBLE .
turn the world off turn it off and turn you on .
I’m gonna .
turn the world off turn it off and turn you on .
ALL COUPLES .
I’m gonna .
FULL COMPANY .
turn the world off! .
ROB .
And turn you .
LAURA .
And turn you .
FULL COMPANY .
ON! .
END OF PLAY .
. . . . . . . . .