This document is the script for the musical "High Fidelity" based on the novel by Nick Hornby. The summary consists of 3 sentences:
The script introduces Rob Gordon, the owner of a struggling record store who is trying to win back his girlfriend Laura by making her the perfect mix tape. Rob gives the audience a tour of his record store and introduces some of his eccentric customers while singing about his love of music and records. The musical is set to Rob's curated soundtrack of his life as told through the records in his collection.
This document is the script for the musical "High Fidelity" based on the novel by Nick Hornby. The summary consists of 3 sentences:
The script introduces Rob Gordon, the owner of a struggling record store who is trying to win back his girlfriend Laura by making her the perfect mix tape. Rob gives the audience a tour of his record store and introduces some of his eccentric customers while singing about his love of music and records. The musical is set to Rob's curated soundtrack of his life as told through the records in his collection.
This document is the script for the musical "High Fidelity" based on the novel by Nick Hornby. The summary consists of 3 sentences:
The script introduces Rob Gordon, the owner of a struggling record store who is trying to win back his girlfriend Laura by making her the perfect mix tape. Rob gives the audience a tour of his record store and introduces some of his eccentric customers while singing about his love of music and records. The musical is set to Rob's curated soundtrack of his life as told through the records in his collection.
Lyrics by Amanda Green . Book by David Lindsay-Abaire . Based on the novel by Nick Hornby . and the Touchstone Pictures Film . . . 1 . ACT ONE . Scene 1 . (Lights up on Rob at his stereo. He’s wearing . headphones. Sensing the audience, he turns around, . takes off the headphones, and addresses them…) . ROB . (holds up tape) . This, in case you don’t know, is called a cassette. And yes, they . still exist. I’ve used them pretty much my whole life to make mix- . tapes. Very old school, I know. This one happens to be for Laura. . I’m sorta in the dog-house with her, so…. . But you don’t really need to know about that. What you do need . to know is that the making of a great mix tape, like breaking up, is . hard to do. You gotta kick off with a killer song, to grab attention. . Then you gotta take it up a notch. But you don’t wanna blow your . wad, so then you gotta cool it off a notch with something soulful. . Also, you can't have two tracks by the same artist side by side, . unless you've done the whole thing in pairs and . . . Anyway, there . are a lot of rules. I still haven’t mastered them all yet, but…I’ll . figure it out eventually. . (and now the intros) . Rob Gordon here. These are my records, currently organized, not . alphabetically, not chronologically, but…wait for . it…autobiographically. Yup, the order in which they were . purchased. So way over there is middle school. That section is . college. And this wall here is Laura. My life in vinyl. . (re: room) . I’ve got everything I need here. . (sings) . #1 THE LAST REAL RECORD STORE . I’ve got my daily crossword & there’s coffee in the pot. . I’ve got cable and a girlfriend who is pissed off but she’s hot. . I’ve got records that it’s taken me a lifetime to amass . And I play them on a system that will kick your system’s ass . and if my life’s not perfect, . if I’m anxious bored or sad . Well today may be less shitty . With whole chunks of not so bad . And I wouldn’t change a thing about it! . No - I wouldn’t want to change a thing! . In a world that’s unreliable . These are rocks on which to cling. . Nothin’s great and nothin’s new . But “nothing” - has its worth. . . 2 . ROB . Meet the real go-getter . With the thrift store sweater . and the last real record store on earth. . (An explosion of lights and music as the set . transforms into the record store. A few . customers mill about the store, flipping . through record bins.) . ROB . This is my store, Championship Vinyl - strategically situated in a . neighborhood that attracts the bare minimum of window shoppers. . (sings) . I get by, relying on the . freaks who can’t survive . HIPSTER (Andrew) . Yo! . FUTON GUY (Justin) . Rob. . GUY WITH MOHAWK (Matt) . Wassup? . ROB . without their Japanese import . or their Zappa forty-five. . HIPSTER (Andrew) . Yo! . FUTON GUY (Justin) . Rob. . GUY WITH MOHAWK (Matt) . Wassup? . ROB . They’re really kind of sad. . Hell, I’d be making fun of them, . If it weren’t for the fact . I’m really one of them. ALL . Yes, if you’re into vinyl ah-ah-ah . we’ve got ev’rything essential. . I’m sitting on a business . that has zero growth potential! . . 3 . ALL . and I - wouldn’t change a thing about it! . A to K rack, L to Z . it’s dark and dingy, never crowded: . all a record store should be . ROB . “for the serious collector..” . “…who knows a record’s worth” . Need a vintage Decca? . Step into my mecca, . ROB & ALL . … it’s the last real record store on earth! . (DICK, a forlorn but sweet discophile, . stands behind the counter, singing along to . the music inside his headphones.) . DICK . Ever since I lost control ROB (to the audience) . That’s Dick. He works for me. . it’s a Hiroshima of the soul. . He’s listened to every record in this store . Ever since we’ve been apart . Twice. . it’s a HIROSHIMA! of my heart. . ROB . What are you listening to, Dick? . DICK . Oh, uh, it’s the new Vivisection album I told you about. Never . released here. Wanna listen? . ROB . No Dick, no Dick. That’s ok. . (But Dick yanks the headphone out of the stereo . system, gloomy music fills the store. The Pale . Young Men respond.) . (Rob tries to smile, and gives Dick the . thumbs up. Then pin-spot on Dick as the . song plays, he sings his inner thoughts.) . MEN & WOMEN DICK . Hiroshima of my heart... I want to find a love . Hiroshima of my heart... a love to call my own . Hiroshima of my heart... but I’m too weird and shy . I guess I’ll die alone. . . 4 . ROB . That’s nice, Dick. Cheery. . (Dick smiles proudly. . The front door is thrown open, and BARRY, . a loud-mouth music snob enters . accompanied by loud thrasher music.) . BARRY . Top five worst duets of all time! . ROB . Barry you’re late. . BARRY . Number one! Islands in the Stream Dolly and Kenny; Two! Say . Say Say, Paul and Jacko; Three! Unforgettable, Natalie Cole and . her dead old man; Four! Endless Love - Diana Ross and Lionel . Ritchie; and taking it up the rear, as usual, Peabo Bryson and take- . your-pick, that guy is a duet slut, he’ll sing with anyone! . ROB . (turns to audience and sings) . what can I do? they came as temps . but then they started showing up here ev’ry day . it’s been four years, they just won’t leave . they’ve never even asked me for a raise in pay . and as I gaze across this filthy space . I see insanity in ev’ry face . Some days I think I should just torch the place . but then I think, where would I go? . find guys who prize the things I know? . BARRY . it smells like ass - . ALL . but even so… . I wouldn’t change a thing about it! . ‘cause most other stores are crap! . ALL . buying music shouldn’t be like . buying khakis at The Gap . PALE YOUNG MEN / OFFSTAGE MEN . don’t fall into the Gap! . . 5 . ROB, DICK, BARRY . we’re the experts here on ev’rything . that’s anything of worth! . ALL . if you hate mass market . bring your ass and park it . at the last real record store on earth! . BARRY & DICK . (David Byrne/Devo/robot dance) . This ain’t no Tower! ALL . This ain’t no Tower! . BARRY & DICK . This ain’t no Coconuts! ALL . This ain’t no Coconuts! . BARRY . And this ain’t no soulless sanitized corporate third reich fuckin’ . Wal Mart! . ROB . Alright, Barry. . BARRY . Fuckin’ Wal Marts, man! They’re sucking the blood of the little guys! . ROB . No shit! . (Silence. Sings) . My rent check bounced. . BARRY . I live at home. . DICK . stayed up ‘til 4 watching Mary Tyler Moore . ROB . My girl holds out. . BARRY . My girl inflates. . DICK . I think I had sex once, but I’m not sure . ALL . the things I hope for seem so far away DICK . so far away . . 6 . ALL . I’m not too brilliant on the day-to-day BARRY . what’s the day today? . that’s why I come Monday through Saturday - . and I wouldn’t change a thing about it . my whole world’s inside this door . where would I go, what would I do without it? . this is all I’m living for. . ROB, BARRY, DICK, 3 PYM OFFSTAGE . “for the serious collector, for the serious . who knows a record’s la la la knows . worth” Woo-hoo hoo hoo . ROB . if you hate mass market . bring your ass and park it . ALL . It’s the best - that’s final! . find the finest vinyl . at the last real record store --- . (The customers file out over the following…) . ROB . (repeating in a round) . we’ve got blues and soul and r&b . we’ve got blues and soul and r&b BARRY . we’ve got blues and soul and r&b ska, punk and new wave . we’ve got blues and soul and r&b ska, punk and new wave DICK . we’ve got blues and soul and r&b ska, punk and new wave hip hop rock and pop: . we’ve got blues and soul and r&b ska, punk and new wave hip hop rock and pop: . ALL . and the only thing that we don’t have is…customers who shop! . HIPSTER (Andrew) . Yo! . FUTON GUY (Justin) . Rob. . GUY WITH MOHAWK (Matt) . Wassup? . . 7 . ROB . (to Dick and Barry) . Great day, guys. We made… . (checks total on register) . Nothing. . (sings) . I always dreamed someday . I’d have this wonderful career . I went where the music took me . and oh God, it took me here . ALL . and they’ll write it on my tombstone - ooh ooh ooh ooh . right beside my date of birth: ooh ooh ooh ooh . part-time stoner . went from clerk to owner . of the last real record store on earth! . BARRY & DICK & ALL . Wouldn't change a thing about it ROB . last real record store on earth . gonna get up on the roof and shout it! . last real record store on earth! . ALL . but will it hold us all? I doubt it . ROB . and I - BARRY & MEN . I- DICK & WOMEN . I- . ROB, BARRY, DICK . I wouldn’t change a thi-ii-i-ng! . I wouldn’t change a thi-ii-i-ng! . I wouldn’t change a thi-ii-i-ng! . ALL . wouldn’t change a, wouldn’t change a, wouldn’t change a thing! . wouldn’t change a, wouldn’t change a, wouldn’t change a thing! . wouldn’t change a thing! wouldn’t change a thi-ii-i-ng! . (Music button. Applause.) . . 8 . Scene 2 . (As the opening number ends, Rob’s . apartment appears, and Rob lands on his . couch, with a beer in his hand.) . ROB . This is my living room. More records. Couch I’ve had since college… . (Laura enters. She’s packing up her things . over the following. She’s frazzled and . apologetic, but determined.) . ROB . That’s my girlfriend Laura. We met four years ago when I was . deejaying at the Billy Club. She requested I play Art Garfunkel’s . “Bright Eyes,” which, in case you don’t know, will clear a dance . floor in three seconds flat. But I played it anyway - . because…well, because I wanted to sleep with her. . LAURA . (holds something up) . I’m gonna take these if that’s okay. . ROB . That’s fine. . (back to audience) . She’s a lawyer, if you can believe it. Laura worked for Legal Aid . when she moved in here, but she took a corporate job last month, . so she’s all conflicted about selling out. I, however, was relieved . that one of us can actually pay the rent. . LAURA . I’m almost done here, Rob. . ROB . She just told me she’s leaving me. I haven’t figured out if it’s a . threat, or she really means it, so I should probably… Excuse me. . (to Laura) . You don’t need to do this, Laura. It was just a fight. . LAURA . Just another fight, you mean. That’s all we’ve been doing lately. . And for the record, last night’s was especially ugly, I thought. . (re: something on a shelf) . I’m not gonna take this. Do you want it? . ROB . Not really. . . 9 . LAURA . Me either. Where did this come from? . ROB . I don’t know. It was here when I moved in. . LAURA . Right. . (stops, looks around, a bit overwhelmed, awkward) . I don’t really know what I’m doing. . ROB . You don’t have to go, you know. You can stay until whenever. . LAURA . No, we’ve done the hard part. I should… . ROB . Stay the night at least. . LAURA . I can’t, Rob. . ROB . Come on, what are you— We love each other. Don’t we? . LAURA . Well that’s not really the issue, is it? . ROB . Not really the issue? What else is there? . LAURA . (back to business) . The recycling goes out on Tuesday - I left a note for you on the . fridge. And I changed the cat box, not that you’d notice. . ROB . We have a cat? . LAURA . Stop it, Rob. This is serious. . ROB . I know it is. . LAURA . I’m not gonna take the mix-tapes, if that’s okay. . . 10 . ROB . But I made those for you. They’re full of great bootlegs and Belle . & Sebastian and Stereolab. . LAURA . Yeah, I don’t know those people. But thank you. . ROB . (to audience) . I suddenly have a million questions. Is this definite or just a . break? Is she doing this because of last night’s argument, or . because I missed her birthday again? Is she still pissed I smuggled . White Castle into her dad’s I.C.U. room? Where is she going . exactly, and will she miss me at all? . (beat) . But I don’t really want those questions answered. So instead I ask— . (turns back to Laura) . Is it because of my job? . LAURA . Your job? . ROB . (to audience) . Where did that come from? Of course it’s not about my job. . LAURA . (tender, sympathetic, takes his hands) . Of course it’s not about your job. Why would you ask me that? . ROB . (to audience) . Because I felt sorry for myself and wanted a little cheap affection. . (back to Laura) . I don’t know, I just wondered. . LAURA . Is that what you think? I’m leaving because you’re not fancy . enough for me? Gimme some credit, please. . (back to packing) . I’m leaving because it’s time I sorted myself out, and I don’t think . I can do that here. . ROB . Sure you can, just tell me what to do to make you happy. . LAURA . Nothing. Make yourself happy. . ROB . Oh, I see, and why am I not happy? . . 11 . LAURA . I don’t know. I just know you used to be. And you seemed to like . me. And your life. And you talked about the future. And you . don’t anymore. And I don’t know why. . (gathers up her things) . Goodbye, Rob. . (She goes. Rob looks after her, devastated…) . ROB . (sings) . #2 - DESERT ISLAND TOP FIVE BREAK UPS . oh God how did it come to this? . oh Laura, Laura what did I miss? . did you really just walk out the door? . can it be that you don’t love me anymore? . bet you think I’m gonna panic . get all sad and weird and manic . but if you want to see me suffer more . then you should have got to me before . oh Laura Laura... I pity you . ‘cause I’ve had a life of heartbreak you can never live up to. . (to audience) . My Desert-Island All-Time Top-Five Break-Ups --in chronological . order. Number one- Alison Ashworth - Sixth Grade Crush! . (Alison, his first love, appears.) . ALISON . “Betrayal on the Playground.” . ROB . You slut! . (next) . Two - Penny Hardwick - High School Sweetheart! . (Penny, high-school sweetheart appears.) . PENNY . “Blue-balls in the Basement!” . ROB . Ouch! . (next) . Three - Charlie Nicholson - College Girlfriend! . (Charlie, sexy, enters.) . CHARLIE . “Out of His League.” . . 12 . ROB . And out of my life. . (next) . Four - Sarah Kendrew - Rebound Girl! . (Sarah, listless, enters.) . SARAH . “He Turned me Gay!” . ROB . You’re welcome! . (next) . And number five - Jackie Allen! . (Jackie, Jersey-girl, enters.) . JACKIE . What happened between me and Robbie is pretty much . unspeakable. But I can say that I wrecked him so utterly and . entirely that he was left a shattered and quivering mess. Isn’t that . right, honey? . ROB . Do you notice anything in particular about the list Laura? . GIRLS . Yeah do you? . ROB . (sings) . these were the ones that tore my heart out . these were the ones that ate me alive . you might squeeze in to the top ten, Laura . GIRLS . but you’re nowhere near the top five! . ROB . these were the girls who got in early . scarred me for life, I have no doubt . ROB GIRLS . but you’re too late now but you’re too late . you don’t rate that you don’t rate . kind of hurt, that kind of clout. Aaaaah that kind of clout . oh Laura Laura, you’ll be missed . but sweet sweet Laura . you . . 13 . GIRLS . you . ROB AND GIRLS . don’t even make the list! . GIRLS . this is nothing personal, please . don’t kick yourself or wonder why . ROB . the simple fact is that we’re too old Laura . to really make each other cry . ROB GIRLS . those days are gone and I’m thankful those days are gone… . we can skip the drama and the pain … skip the drama… . here . take my car, there’s a tankful . I won’t lose myself or go insane! Aaaah or go insane . oh Laura Laura, has your love died? . ‘cause if you leave me Laura I… No! No! aaah! . ROB . can smoke inside! . GIRLS . can smoke inside! . ROB . Cause losing you is like having no cash. . It’s like having a cold in the middle of summer. . losing you is a sold-out movie . ROB . no big deal, just kind of a bummer . GIRLS . it’s a pizza dream, an ice cream headache . that you know will soon be gone . ROB . Five minutes of pain, then you move on... GIRLS . move on! . you move on! . move on! . ALISON . Cause you know, You’re not offering - . . 14 . ALISON & SARAH . him anything new here. . ALISON, SARAH, & PENNY . If you wanna force your way - . ALISON, SARAH, PENNY & JACKIE . onto the list . ALL GIRLS (ADD CHARLIE) . YOU’LL HAVE TO DO A LOT BETTER THAN THIS! . ROB . (sings) GIRLS . so bye bye Laura bye bye . nice try Laura nice try . you came far Laura, came far . close but no cigar close but no cigar . you can’t shame me like Alison! . or blame me like Penny! . or disrupt my life like Jackie! . or crush me like Charlie! . and I’m stronger than when Sarah left! Yeah yeah . gloomy, sure, but not bereft! yeah yeah . and though I see a trend here though I see a trend . I am nowhere near the end here nowhere near the end here . you do not represent you don’t represent . my . ROB & GIRLS . last best chance . at a meaningful relationship . and let me give you one last tip! . (Laura suddenly rushes back into the . apartment and across the room.) . LAURA . Hey. I forgot my toiletry bag. . (goes to get it) . ROB . Laura listen, we’re being stupid. Let’s just order in tonight and . sort this out. . . 15 . LAURA . (she stops and looks at him) . Take care of yourself, Rob. . (And she goes. Pause.) . ROB . (sings) . My Desert Island All-Time Top Five Break-Ups. . My five-star humiliations, soul quaking shake-ups. . Oh Laura, Laura, you’ll be missed. . but sweet sweet Laura, you, . ROB AND GIRLS . you, you, you, you! . ROB . -- don’t even make the list . . 16 . Scene 3 . (Championship Vinyl. FUTON GUY is putting . a sign on the bulletin board. Barry notices and . is not happy about it.) . BARRY . Whadaya think you’re doing? . GUY WITH MOHAWK . What? Nothing. What. . FUTON GUY . I’m selling my futon. . BARRY . Well don’t block my sign, dumb-ass. . FUTON GUY . (reads it) . “Young Gunslingers wanted… . BARRY . …wanted to start band. That’s right. . FUTON GUY . This thing has been up here for three years. . BARRY . So? . FUTON GUY . So you don’t even play an instrument. . BARRY . Hey, you know what? Shove your futon up your ass. Get outta my . store. . FUTON GUY . (getting ejected) . Hey! It’s not even your store! . (Barry tosses him. TMPMITW, the record store . equivalent of a Trekkie, turns to Rob.) . TMPMITW . You know, I had a band once. Well, it wasn’t a band so much as a . barbershop quartet. . . 17 . ROB . (doesn’t want to talk to this guy) . That sounds great. . TMPMITW . Yeah, we called ourselves Harmonic Disturbance. We did . Zeppelin covers exclusively. It was pretty rockin’. Mother made . t-shirts, and my dad sang first tenor, but then he burst a vocal . chord, so we had to disband. That was a real bring-down. . ROB . (to the audience) . We don’t actually know his name. We simply refer to him as T- . M-P-M-I-T-W - The Most Pathetic Man in the World." . TMPMITW . Do you happen to still be in possession of that original God Save . the Queen by the Sex Pistols? . ROB . It’s not for sale. . TMPMITW . No, I know it’s not for sale. Obviously it’s not for sale, I mean, . why would you ever part with a piece of vinyl so singular and . magnificent? I was simply requesting a mere glance at its . awesome splendor. . ROB . I swear to God this is how he talks. Every Thursday right around . this time he asks to see something from this… . (holds up case) . - the mother lode. A collection of incredibly rare 45’s I’ve been . amassing since 7th grade. Look…original Otis Reddings, Elvis . Presleys, James Browns, Jerry Lee Lewises, and on and on. These . 45’s are as close as I’ve ever come to an actual achievement. . (Rob holds up the 45 to TMMITW.) . ROB . You can look, but don’t touch. . (Meanwhile, Dick is moving a tall stack of . CD’s when a young woman, ANNA, comes . up behind him.) . ANNA . Excuse me, I was wondering-- . (DICK is startled and the CD’s go . everywhere.) . . 18 . ANNA DICK . Oh, gosh. Whoa… . BARRY . Nice one, Dick. . ANNA . I’m sorry. . DICK . Oh, hey, that’s cool. Really, I was just alphabetizing. But I can, . um, start over. I’m pretty good at it - the um, alphabetizing, so— . it shouldn’t take long. . ANNA . Do you have the blues? . DICK . Sometimes. They call it Seasonal Affective Disorder, which is, . um— . (suddenly realizes) . Oh, you mean— Over there next to ska. Sorry. . ANNA . Thanks. . (Anna, smiles a little, amused by him. She . heads over to the blues section. Dick goes . about picking up the CD’s. . A MIDDLE AGED GUY walks in and . approaches the counter.) . MIDDLE AGED GUY . Excuse me, I'm looking for a record for my daughter’s birthday. . "My Heart Will Go On" by Celine Dion. Do you have it? . BARRY . Oh yeah. We got it. . MIDDLE AGED GUY . Great. Can I have it then? . BARRY . No, you can't. . MIDDLE AGED GUY . Why not? . . 19 . BARRY . Because it's sentimental tacky crap, that's why not. Do we look like . the kind of store that sells "My Heart Will Go On?" Go to the mall. . MIDDLE AGED GUY . What's your problem? . BARRY . Do you even know your daughter?! There is no way she likes that . song. Oh-oh, is she in a coma? . MIDDLE AGED GUY . Okay, buddy. I didn't know it was Pick On the Middle-Aged . Square Guy Day. My apologies. I'll be on my way. . BARRY . B'Bye. . (The customer heads for the door, but then . turns back to Barry --) . MIDDLE AGED GUY . FUCK YOU! . (-- and storms out. Barry looks at Rob and smiles.) . ROB . Nice, Barry. Really, top-notch. But you know you can’t keep . chasing customers out of here! . BARRY . Are you defending that ass-muncher? Come on, Rob, you're going . soft in your old age. . (Rob is seething.) . I’m gonna tell you something for your own good, pal: that's the . worst fucking sweater I've ever seen. It’s a Cosby sweater. A . COSBY sweater! I can’t believe Laura allows herself to be seen . in public with the likes of you. I don’t know what kinda voodoo . you worked on that girl, but someone needs to shake her out of it. . (Rob springs on Barry, grabbing him by the . lapels and slamming him up against the wall.) . DICK . Hey, guys... Hey. . ROB . Will you shut up? Will you? . BARRY . You’re a maniac! . . 20 . DICK . Hey. Break it up. . (Rob runs out of steam and drops Barry. . Barry pats down his jacket.) . BARRY . I swear to God, if you tore this thing - it’s vintage - and I’ll sock . your nose. You’ll pay big! . (Barry storms out of the store. There’s a . long uncomfortable silence as Dick stares . over at Rob) . DICK . Um, are you all right? . ROB . Yeah. Look Dick, Laura and I broke up. She's gone. So if you . ever see Barry again maybe you can tell him that. . DICK . You want me to tell Barry about it? . ROB . Yeah, would you? That would be great. . DICK . Sure, of course, . (sings) . #3 - ITS NO PROBLEM . It’s no problem - . no problem Rob - you’re on. . I’ll tell him when I see him next: . “Rob says to tell you - Laura’s gone.” . My schedule’s pretty open - so I’ve got some time today. . Plus I’ve got some other stuff . to tell him anyway. . So I’ll tell him when I tell him all the other stuff . or - I could even call. . So it’s no problem, no problem at all. . ROB . All right, Dick— . (But Dick barrels on, singing. Anna wanders over . and listens, amused, smitten.) . DICK . It’s no problem. . I’ll see him later at a gig. . . 21 . DICK . I’ll prob’ly tell him your news first . ‘cause my news isn’t big, . just to tell him . that this woman’s going to sing. . So I’ll bring it up before: . a good news/bad news kind of thing. . I mean bad news/good news . ‘cause he thinks the singer’s great. . Not that Laura isn’t too - no! What I meant to say - no wait! . Barry really likes you both - he told me so last fall. . So it’s no problem, it’s no problem, it’s no problem, Rob, . a-a-a-a-at - . ROB . (interrupting) . Great, Dick. Glad you got it covered. . DICK . It’s no problem, Rob. At all. . ANNA . (approaches Dick) . Um, could I get a little advice about these CDs? . (They lock eyes. Dick is taken aback.) . DICK . Oh, um, sure. Yeah. Of course. . (Anna smiles. Rob turns to the audience and . asks…) . ROB . What came first? The music or the misery? People worry about . kids playing with guns or watching violent videos, but nobody . worries about kids listening to thousands - literally thousands -- of . songs about heartbreak, rejection and loss. Did I listen to pop . music because I was miserable, or was I miserable because I . listened to pop music? . (The door is suddenly thrown open, and the . lights change. Liz is here.) . LIZ . I’m not gonna pick sides, Rob. I’m friends with you both. . ROB . (to audience) . My friend - Liz. She shows up whenever I break up with a girl . and need a little sympathy. . . 22 . LIZ . (re: bag) . I come bearing danish. . ROB . Finally, a woman who understands me. . LIZ . Okay, what’d you do to her? . ROB . (beat - a bit surprised/relieved) . She didn’t tell you? . LIZ . No, she’s being noble. . ROB . I used to love that about her. . LIZ . I’m gonna find out, you know. . ROB . There’s nothing to find out. Laura took a wrecking ball to me. . What more do you need to know. I’m rubble. . LIZ . (trying to be sympathetic) . Aww… . ROB . And I’m trying not to blame you, Liz, but I have to say it’s a little . hard right now. . LIZ . (beat) . I’m sorry? . ROB . Well if you hadn’t introduced us none of this would’ve happened. . LIZ . (stops, fed up) . You know what’s interesting? The way you blame everyone but . yourself. Has it ever occurred to you that you might be the . problem? . . 23 . ROB . (beat - turns to audience) . You know, I have to admit, that particular thought has never, in . fact, actually occurred to me. Odd, right? . (back to Liz) . Uh, you’re not here to make me feel worse, Liz, you’re here to be . helpful, bring me pastry, wipe my tears. . LIZ . (sings) . #4 - SHE GOES . No offense but you were lucky to get her. . ROB . I thought you weren’t picking sides? . LIZ . I like you both the same - well her a bit better. . (spoken) . Okay, a LOT better. . (sings) . Your macho act can’t hide the fact you adore her . now she’s gone like all the others before her . ROB . Okay, it’s happened a couple times. . LIZ . No, 15-20 -- that’s a few . this shit is old - and so are you! . ROB . Jesus, Liz, you’re hardly one to talk. How many disastrous . relationships have you had? . LIZ . (sings) . I relied on your success to direct me . did you ever once think how this would affect me?! . ROB . Affect you? . LIZ . I’m a wreck and what the heck will you do now? . go to Scores and tip a stripper or two now? . ROB . You don’t know how it works with guys today. . . 24 . LIZ . I don’t know how it works today . but for you it only works one way! . You meet someone - you move in together - she goes! . You meet someone - you move in together - she goes! . The girls may change in face and name, . but one thing always stays the same, . as sure as a baby cries and the river flows - she goes! . ROB . I’m down, Liz! And you’re kicking me! You’re kicking me while . I’m down! . LIZ . Tough love is good for you, honey. . ROB . I prefer the danish! . LIZ . Rob I‘m talking to you as a friend now BACKUPS . always been your friend . I could say that it’s not you, but why pretend now? ah oop! . honey why pretend? . You know you shouldn’t feel the slightest compunction ah oop! . oh no. . if you suffer from some down-below-there dysfunction. wee oop! . Wooo! . ROB . Christ Liz! . (sings) . It’s been really hard on me, . so have a little sympathy! . (Now everyone in the store is singing and . dancing along in a big Aretha-like number.) . LIZ BACKUPS . You meet someone - you move in together - she goes! Shoop - oop - yeah . Yeah she go - woes . Repeat this, hon - you move in together- she goes! Repeat! . the girl just go - oh - oes . It may start out butterflies and bows, yeah ooh. . but once the blush is off the rose ooh Ah . and the girl fin’lly figures out that you’ll never propose . No NO! . - she goes! . yeah she go - oh - oes! . . 25 . LIZ BACKUPS . I’ve stood by with all the others, all the others . smiled away like Sally Struthers Sally Struthers . patient and supportive. patient / supportive . Now you fin’lly got a winner. shoop . Did you even cook her dinner? wee ooh . The answer’s ‘No’ I’m guessin! ah ah ah . And I’m full on PMS’in’! she’s full on P.M.S. - in’! Ah . Aaaaaaaaah! . You meet someone, you move in together - she goes! oop oop yeah . yeah she go - woes . Repeat this hon - you move in together- she goes! repeat ! . the girl just go - oh - oes . I can’t fault you for consistency, Ooh . Heaven knows! Heaven knows! . Now please don’t take this as mean-hearted: . but are you on crack or just retarded? . ’Cause you meet someone - you move in together, Meet / move in together . a sweet someone and light as a feather, Sweet / light as a feather . mistreat someone and change like the weather, Mistreat / change like the . weather . ROB . Shut up Liz! Goddamn, that is some cold shit. . LIZ . (silence - then…) . I’m just saying. . (beat - she sings) . And she goes! BACKUPS . Always goes she goes always goes . the girl just go - oh - oes! . she go - oes The girl just go - oh - . oh - oh - oes! . (Everything goes back to how it was.) . LIZ . And for what it’s worth, it’s your side. I’m on your side. . (beat) . After all…I don’t think much of this Ian guy. . (Silence. Rob is stunned. A spotlight hits him.) . ROB . WHAT FUCKING IAN GUY?! . (Lights out on him, and up on…) . . 26 . Scene 4 . (Sitar music. Glissando. Gong crash.) . #5 - IAN’S HERE . CHANTER (Justin Brill) . Eh! Yay ah yay yah ya - y ay . DRONERS (Matt Caplan & Andrew Call) . Oo - ee…oo - ee . oo - ee…oo - ee . Oo-ee…oo - ee . oo - ee…oo - ee . Oo…-ee…oo - ee . oo - ee…oo - ee . oo… . (Ian’s apartment appears. IAN is a slightly . older new-age guy with a pony-tail. He’s . prepared a Middle Eastern dinner. He sits . across from Laura.) . IAN . smell the incense in the air . the cabbage and mulled wine . throw away all wordly cares . tonight is yours and mine . though I haven’t known you long . in the present paradigm . in our past lives we’ve connected, . you and I throughout all time . maybe you were Desdemona . and I your Black Marauder . maybe you were Helen Keller . and I was the water! . LAURA . I feel strange, Ian. . IAN . It’s the sage fumes. They’ll wear off . LAURA . No, I meant being here. But I knew if I stayed with Liz, Rob . would just track me down. . . 27 . IAN . You don’t have to explain yourself. You needed comfort, and I’m . happy to provide it. . (offers her dish) . Banana pakora? . LAURA . Oh. I’m saving room for the vindaloo. . IAN . Ian’s here . to offer a safe haven . where you can be yourself . unshackled and unshaven . you will find no judgment here . and no talk of wrong or right . just a beacon in the harbor . a gentle guiding light . so close your eyes - is that land you’re seein?’ . yes it is - and on that land is Ian. . (starting softly and getting louder, trying to . maintain the mood, despite a ringing cell phone) . Ian’s here . Ian’s here . have no fear . Ian’s -- Shit! . LAURA . (pulls out her cell phone) . I am so sorry. It’s Rob again. I should maybe— . IAN . Don’t, Laura. You’ve pulled the pin, now be brave enough to toss . the grenade. . LAURA . The grenade? . IAN . Sometimes a relationship needs to be blown up, just to see what’s . left over, and whether things can be put back together again. . LAURA . Is that what you are? A hand grenade? . IAN . Is that what you need me to be? . . 28 . LAURA . (beat) . Maybe it is. . (puts phone away) . Where did you learn all this? . IAN . My methods are partly European . partly Eastern . and mostly . just pure Ian . Ian’s here . IAN & LAURA . Ian’s here . (As they walk off together…) . IAN . mi nee som de dom mi nee ha ree dom . LAURA . ma ma say ma ma sah ma ma kuh sa . (As they leave, Rob enters from the . wings…) . IAN . mi nee som de dom mi nee ha ree dom . mee nee meet me in the kitchen wit de sari on . mi nee som de dom mi nee ha ree dom . mini hairy dom, mini car-ee dom . . 29 . Scene 5 . (Lights up in Rob’s apartment. He sits up in . bed, sheets held clenched up to his chin. . He’s a wreck as he talks to us.) . ROB . Ian is an interventionist. He used to live upstairs from us. He did . Kurt Cobain’s intervention. He moved out about six weeks ago. I . never liked him then, and I fucking hate him now. . (We hear the squeaking bed upstairs, sitar . music, and sex sounds.) . VOICE OF IAN . (muffled, upstairs) . Ooh ah oh! . ROB . Worst of all, we used to listen to him having sex. . VOICE OF IAN . (muffled, upstairs) . Ooh ah ooh ah! . ROB . It’d go on forever. . VOICE OF IAN . (muffled, upstairs) . Ooh ah! Who’s your Gandhi?! Who’s your Gandhi?! Oh yeah! . LAURA . I should’ve been so lucky. . (Laura appears, bathed in ethereal light. She . looks like she did when Rob first met her: . leather jacket, pink spiky hair.) . ROB . Laura? . LAURA . The Ghost of Laura Past, actually. . ROB . You look amazing. . LAURA . I know. . . 30 . ROB . What are you doing here? . LAURA . Come on, Rob. I don’t get a spot on your top five Desert Island . break-up list? . ROB . No. You’re wasting your time here. . LAURA . So what else is new? . (sings) . #6 - NUMBER FIVE WITH A BULLET . I was feeling bad for you . ‘cause I left you with a broken heart . but now you’ve really pissed me off . and you know that that’s not smart! . Did you think you were going to get off scott-free? . Don’t you know there’s no getting over me? Mm. . you think this break-up won’t affect you . if you just refuse to let it ? . and there’s no need to sweat it ? . well I’ve come to claim my spot . and I’m not leaving ‘til I get it! . I will be . NUMBER five WITH A BULLET . YOU’LL NEVER GET RID OF ME . SLEEP AND YOUR PEACE OF MIND . |THEY’RE A MEMORY-Y-Y-Y-Y-YEAH . number five with a bullet . climbing up the chart . number five with a bullet EX-GIRLFRIENDS . To your heart. To your heart . (Ex-Girlfriends surround him ...to your heart...to your heart... . dramatically, singing…) . ROB . (re: girls) . Hey, what are they—? . EX-GIRLFRIENDS . Hi, Rob. . ROB . What is this? . . 31 . LAURA . Tell him, girls. . ALISON . Laura’s one of us now. . PENNY . She deserves a spot. . ROB . No! There’s no room! . CHARLIE . Sure there is. . SARAH . She can stand next to me. . ROB . (fear coming into his eyes now) . Sarah, don’t! . EX-GIRLFRIENDS . (sings) . You met and it was wonderful . no drama and no pain . she was smart and sexy . sweet and hot . LAURA . and not insane. . You were the handsome DJ . I worked for Legal Aid. . We really clicked together. . EX-GIRLFRIENDS . Oh yeah, you really had it made. . LAURA . but you always had one foot out the door, didn’t you? . just in case there might be something more. . EX-GIRLFRIENDS . and now she’s gone . moved up, moved on . left you in the dust . left you filled with longing . and a thick and aching lust . . 32 . LAURA . well you can block the truth out for a while . if you will yourself . but when you think of me with another guy . LAURA EX-GIRLFRIENDS . don’t you wanna kill yourself?! don’t you wanna kill yourself?! . Bum Bum Bum . I will be . NUMBER five WITH A BULLET NUMBER five WITH A BULLET . LIKE A TAPE THAT’S ON RE-WIND . PLAYING IN YOUR HEAD PLAYING IN YOUR HEAD . MESSIN’ WITH YOUR MIND…. MESSIN’ WITH YOUR MIND… . number five with a bullet number five with a bullet . a sharp and throbbing pain a sharp and throbbing pain . lodged there like a bullet . in your brain in your brain in your brain . in your brain in your brain . you’re on a cycle that never ceases . you get dumped and fall to pieces . you were hoping for a reversal . but that pain was just a dress rehearsal! . Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! . Yeah! Yeah! . ROB . Alright, that’s enough! Get out, Laura! ‘Cause you’re never gonna top . these women! Or dethrone them! Or whatever it is you think you’re—! . JACKIE . (interrupts breaking down a little) . I can’t do this. Rob…I’m sorry…I can’t… . ROB . (worried now) . Uhh…hold on there, Jackie— . JACKIE . (turns on him) . My name’s not Jackie, it’s Janice! But you don’t remember that because I . was nothing more than a drunken one-night stand in Weehawken! . (apologetically to Laura) . I meant nothing to him. He just stuck me on that list to keep you off. . ROB . Hey, don’t minimize what we shared! . LAURA . (pityingly) . Oh Rob. . . 33 . LAURA EX-GIRLFRIENDS . Number five with a bullet Number five with a bullet . see your memory’s a blur see your memory’s a blur . Yeah! and that list don’t mean nothing . without me . without her! . Number five with a bullet Number five . With a bullet . climbing up the chart climbing up the chart . Number five with a bullet . - to your heart. - to your heart. . Number Five with a bullet . to your heart to your heart . (Laura moves in to take Jackie’s place.) . ROB EX-GIRLFRIENDS . Wait! What’s going on?! LAURA Number Five with a bullet . …to your heart …to your heart . Number Five with a bullet . to your heart. . It’s time, Rob. Number Five with a bullet . …to your heart. …to your heart. . (We hear sitar music. Ian, on his bed, rises up . through the floor in nightmare fashion.) . ROB . What the hell is he doing here?! . (Bollywood dance break with Ian and Rob’s ex- . girlfriends.) . ROB . Laura what is this? . LAURA . It’s a Shiva Rob. . (Ian is having sex with Rob’s exes, ravaging . them all from behind, below, and above.) . IAN . Come on! . EX-GIRLFRIENDS . Ooh . . 34 . IAN . Hey! . EX-GIRLFRIENDS . Hey! . IAN . Yeah! . EX-GIRLFRIENDS . Yeah! . IAN . Who’s your Ghandi! Who’s your Ghandi! . ROB . Laura?! You cut that out right now! . LAURA and EX-GIRLFRIENDS . Number five with a bullet . IAN . Can you feel my hungry kiss? . LAURA . I’ve made love a thousand times . But nothing can touch this! . IAN . Touch this! . LAURA . (getting hot and heavy with Ian) . Ahhhh! EX-GIRLFRIENDS . Number five with a bullet Number five with a bullet . Ooooh And she’s climbing up the chaaaart! . ROB . (a la Scrooge) . Stop! Show me no more! . (Everything screeches to a stop.) . Congratulations, Laura! You made it. . LAURA & EX-GIRLFRIENDS . Number five with a bullet . And that bullet’s heading straight . to your hea----aaa-- aa-aart!! . (Laura, Ian and the bed disappear into the fiery . bowels of hell. The girls vanish, and Rob wakes up . on his bedroom floor.) . . 35 . Scene 6 . (From the nightmare, Rob staggers directly . into the smoky club. We hear a sound- . check in process as we transition. Spent, . distraught, Rob makes his way to the bar. . He plunks down next to TMPMITW and . does a couple shots over the following...) . ROADIE (Andrew Call) . (testing mic.) . Check - check - check. . SOUND MAN . That’s good. And can I hear the back-up vocal? . ROADIE . Check-check. . SOUND MAN . That’s fine. . ROADIE . (to the bar patrons) . To the owner of a 1974 Gremlin - license plate “I heart my cat” - . you left your lights on, and your dignity is missing. . TMPMITW . (rushes out the door) . Aw geez, that’s my car. . ROADIE . (to others) . We’ll be starting in about two minutes. . (Rob, a little drunk, has just dialed Laura’s . number again.) . ROB . Hey Laura, it’s me again. Look, I just wanted you to know . that what you’ve done to me is reprehensible and . unconscionable and I will never get over this. . (beat) . But let’s work it out. . (beat) . This is Rob by the way. . (He hangs up. Barry and Dick enter the . club, and see Rob. He’s a mess.) . . 36 . DICK BARRY . Whoa… Yikes. . ROB . (sees them) . Oh no… . BARRY . Hey, buddy. You okay? Dick told me about your old lady. Tough . break. . (long uncomfortable hug) . You want my opinion? . ROB . I’d rather swallow glass. . BARRY . She’s just pulled a Jefferson. Movin’ on up - to the big league? . In with the new - out with the aimless. Laura’s just molting, . buddy, don’t take it personally. . DICK . Plus she’s probably freaked out about her dad. . BARRY . No, it has nothing to do Death-Bed McPapi. That guy’s been . dying for the past four years. . ROB . He has acute angina, Barry. . BARRY . He better have a cute angina, ‘cause his legs are disgusting. . ROB . I just found out she’s living with someone else. . DICK BARRY . No way! Wow, that’s awful. Oh, bummer. That is really quick. . That doesn’t sound like Laura What did you do to that poor . at all. girl? . BACK UP SINGER . Ladies and Gentlemen - Marie LaSalle. . (Marie takes her place onstage.) . MARIE . (into the mic.) . Hey, anyone out there got a broken heart? . . 37 . ROB . Goddamit. . BARRY . Right here! My buddy Rob! . ROB . Barry, don’t! . MARIE . What’s her name, son? . BARRY . Laura! . ROB . Barry! . MARIE . Well which is it, Laura or Barry? . ROB . (sighs - resigned) . Laura, her name is Laura. . MARIE . Well I feel you, friend. As some of you may know, up until three weeks . ago I was dating a relatively famous person. Not really famous, . but…Lyle Lovett famous, let’s say. Though I should point out that the . injunction prevents me from saying that it was, in fact, Lyle Lovett. . (smiles slyly) . Anyway, I dedicate this song to my new friend with the broken . heart, who knows exactly how I feel. . (sings) . #7 - READY TO SETTLE . grabbed the moon . full of hope . fell to earth . without rope . heart as heavy as a stone. . been betrayed . been abused . spirit flayed . and ego bruised . ev’rybody dies alone. . I always knew before he flew . he was too good for me . now I’m here with you . . 38 . MARIE . how more different could you be? . you’re just like me . alone and sad . and in this light . you don’t look so bad. . I’ve had the best . now I need a rest . just someone who’ll do . and I’m ready to settle for you. . ROB . Man - I like her. . BARRY . Me too. That girl has got to be a cutter. . MARIE . See the happy people laughing . they’re all deaf and blind BACK-UP SINGER . blind and deaf . Why should we go on searching . For something we won’t find? . There’s no hope. . Why should we pretend we’re happy too? . You know we’re not. . I’d rather just stay home I’d rather just stay home . And sulk with you! And sulk with you! . you’re just like me you’re just like me . alone and sad alone and sad . and in the dark and in the dark . you don’t look so bad you don’t look so bad . it’s nice to know it’s nice to know . that you’ll never go: that you’ll never go: . ‘cause if not me, then who? . if not me then who? . And I’m ready . to settle for to settle . you Ready to settle for . Ready to settle for you . you Ready to settle for . Ready to settle... you . For you For you . (Sparks between Rob and Marie. Applause.) . . 39 . MARIE . Thank you. Thanks everyone. Thanks, Bob. For those of you . interested in having Marie LaSalle in your very own home, I am . for sale at a very reasonable price. . (holds up a couple CDs) . (Light shift. Dick and Barry rush over to . Marie. She’s very polite with them.) . DICK . So, that was, um, really, BARRY . really…great. Really awesome. . MARIE . Oh, thanks. . DICK BARRY . I like the part about the heart Did you really date . being like a hollow bone-- Lyle Lovett? . (Lights change and they continue talking in silence . animatedly while Rob addresses the audience.) . ROB . By the end of that song two things have occurred. One - I . suddenly miss Laura with an unbridled passion. And two - I have . fallen in love with Marie LaSalle. These things happen. To men . at least. Or to this particular man. And I have no idea why. . (Marie steps forward - the lights change back.) . DICK . Luckily, the cream cleared up the rash. . BARRY . So we’re good to go. . MARIE . (to Rob) . I just figured out where I recognized you from. . BARRY . Is it a Twisted Sister video? Because that’s probably Dee Snyder . you’re thinking of. Rob gets that all the time. . ROB . Barry— . DICK . Hey, corn-nuts. . (Dick and Barry take off.) . . 40 . MARIE . You used to DJ at the Billy Club, right? I used to go to hear you . spin. You were unbelievable. . ROB . Oh, thanks. Thank you. . MARIE . So, are you still doing that or—? . ROB . No, I own a record store. Championship Vinyl? . MARIE . Oh yeah? You should sell my CD. . ROB . Maybe I will. We like to support local talent. . MARIE . Really? . ROB . No, not at all. But I’ll make an exception. . (They smile at each other. Suddenly, Liz . storms in with an exercise ball, her eyes . ablaze.) . ROB . Hi, Liz. . LIZ . Hi, Rob. . (beat) . YOU FUCKING ASSHOLE! . (Silence. And just as suddenly, Liz spins . around and marches out.) . LIZ . (mutters as she goes) . Hey, Barry. . BARRY . Hey… . (A spotlight hits Rob. He addresses us.) . . 41 . ROB . I bet you’re wondering why I’m an asshole. Well, you wouldn’t be . the first. I suspect that Laura finally broke down and told Liz what . happened. It was inevitable, I guess. . (sighs - this is hard) . Okay, before we do this, I need you to do me a favor. Just take a . minute and think about the top five worst things that you have done . to your partner. . (he waits) . Don't dress things up or try to explain them, just live with them for . a moment. . (beat) . Especially if your partner doesn't know about them. . (beat) . Got ‘em? Good. Now remember that, and try not to judge me too harshly. . (Lights up on Liz and Laura at Crunch. . They’re both on exercise balls.) . LIZ . But I liked you guys together. And Rob was good for you. He . gave you an interest in something other than work. You were . more fun around him, and calmer, and a nicer person. . ROB . Liz may not have used these exact words, but it’s what I like to . imagine she said. . LIZ . He obviously did something to you— . LAURA . I told you, I have no interest in turning you against him. It . wouldn’t be fair. . LIZ . Do you think Rob would be this restrained if the roles were reversed? . ROB . I wouldn’t. She knows I wouldn’t. . LIZ . If you don’t wanna tell me what he did, then I’m gonna have to . assume that you share some responsibility. And if you do, then I . have to say, shacking up with that fruitcake in the patchouli-- . LAURA . You barely know Ian. . . 42 . LIZ . --is kinda beneath you, Laura. I mean, Rob may have his faults, . but he’s a good guy underneath it all-- . LAURA . I know he is. . LIZ . --and walking out on him is pretty shabby, regardless of what he . may or may not have done. . LAURA . (finally) . He slept with somebody else. . (Silence.) . LIZ . What? . ROB . It’s true, I slept with someone else. . LAURA . While I was pregnant. . ROB . While she was pregnant. . LIZ . No! . ROB . Yes. And that affair directly contributed— . LAURA . Pretty much directly to me terminating the pregnancy. . LIZ . No... . ROB . To make matters worse, I borrowed a large sum of money. . LAURA . Four grand or so. . ROB . And I have not, as of yet, repaid her any of it. . . 43 . LIZ . That fucking… . ROB . Yes, I am a fucking asshole. . LIZ . That’s shocking. That. Is. Shocking. . ROB and LAURA . I know. . LIZ . That’s it. . (stands up, enraged) . LAURA . No Liz no no, come back, Liz you’ll never get a cab with that thing. . (But Liz is up and gone. Lights out on Laura.) . ROB . (still to audience) . Which leads us to… . (back to scene and Marie) . We like to support local talent. . MARIE . Really? . ROB . No, not at all. But I’ll make an exception . (Lights back up in club. Liz storms in with . an exercise ball, her eyes ablaze.) . ROB . Hi, Liz. . LIZ . Hi, Rob. . (beat) . YOU FUCKING ASSHOLE! . (Silence. And just as suddenly, Liz spins . around and marches out.) . LIZ . (mutters as she goes) . Hey, Barry. . . 44 . BARRY . Hey… . ROB . (turns to Marie, humiliated) . Wow, this is suddenly very awkward. . MARIE . Friend of yours? . ROB . No, I have no idea who that was. . MARIE . (amused) . Uh-huh. . ROB . Anyway, you should come down to the store. . MARIE . Okay. . ROB . You’re not gonna, are you. . MARIE . We’ll see. I’ve got another song to… . ROB . Right. . MARIE . Nice meeting you though. . ROB . Indeed. . (Rob watches as Marie saunters back to the mic. . She sings as we transition into the next scene.) . #8 - TERRIBLE THINGS . MARIE . (sings) . Terrible things. Terrible things. . I trust you with my heart . and look what pain it brings. . What makes you do such . terrible terrible things? . . 45 . Scene 7 . (Rob addresses the audience during the song, as . the set changes into…Championship Vinyl. It’s . gray and rainy outside.) . ROB . Okay, first of all: The money. Laura had it and I didn't, and she . wanted to give it to me. I've never been able to pay her back . because...I've never been able to. . (beat) . Then the Pregnancy. I didn't know she was pregnant. I didn’t know . because she hadn’t told me. She hadn't told me because I had told . her that I had...sort of...yes, I had slept with someone else. So -- I . didn't find out she was pregnant 'til later, like weeks after the . abortion. . And then we started fighting, a lot, but never about…what happened. . That we didn’t talk about. . (beat) . Until we did. . (this is hard for him) . Here’s what happened. The night before Laura left we were in the . middle of a perfectly fine dinner, and for some reason I made this . slightly inappropriate crack about having kids. I don’t why I said it, . I just did. And she burst into tears. And then I suddenly went into . this brief and ill-advised bout of self-righteousness. You know, . “what right did you have? My child too!” Blah-blah-blah, and I . wanted to grab every stupid word that fell out of my mouth and . shove them back in. Which of course I couldn’t. . (beat) . And that pretty much brings us up to date. . (Anna approaches Rob.) . ANNA . Do you have any soul? . (No response. Anna just blinks at him . waiting for a response.) . ROB . Back row, right next to the Blues. . (Anna heads over to the soul section. Dick, . concerned, rushes over to Barry.) . DICK . Why didn’t she ask me for help? . . 46 . BARRY . Perhaps it was your stench. What did you splash on this morning, . Dick? . DICK . It’s, um, Brut. . (The guys are all in a funk. We hear a sad . reprise of Last Real Record Store.) . #9 - LAST REAL RECORD STORE (REPRISE) . BARRY . I’ve got no band . DICK . I’ve got no balls . ROB . I’ve got no soul . and I’m an asshole now as well. . BARRY . I’ll never play . DICK . I’ll never date . BARRY . Why even try? . DICK . I want to cry . ROB . Will she come back? . ROB, DICK, BARRY . There’s not a snowball’s chance in hell. . PALE YOUNG MEN . (hearing their cue, they jump in cheery) . and I wouldn’t change a thing about it! . A to K rack L to Z! . ALL THREE . Aw, come on! Shut it, you pin-heads! Not today, guys! . (Laura marches in while this is going on.) . LAURA . Hey! HEY! Hey . . 47 . ALL . (messy, ad lib) . Hey…Hi. Hey Laura. Yo. Hello (etc) . LAURA . Are you trying to get me fired? Is that your punishment? Because . if it is, it’s pretty immature, Rob. . ROB . Laura. What a nice surprise, you popping by like this. . LAURA . (waving slips of paper at him) . Fifteen messages! “Buddy Rich called.” “Keith Moon.” “Mickey . Dolenz!” You’re not funny, Rob. . ROB . Not like Ian, you mean. I bet that guy’s a laugh and a half. . LAURA . (beat) . Don’t even. . ROB . What? You’re living with the guy— . LAURA . I’m not “living with the guy.” . ROB . —which I had to find out on my own, by the way. . LAURA . I'm just staying with him for a few days until I figure out what I'm . doing. . ROB . Oh. . (beat) . So you haven't definitely decided to dump me? . LAURA . Jesus— . ROB . There's still a chance we might get back together? . LAURA . I don't know. . . 48 . ROB . Well, if you don't know, there's a chance, right? I mean, it would be . like if someone was in the hospital and he was seriously ill and the . doctor said, I don't know if this patient's got a chance of survival or . not, that doesn't mean the patient's definitely going to die, now does . it? It means he might live. Even if it's only a remote possibility. . LAURA . Rob, you’re making my head hurt. . ROB . I just want to know where I stand. What chance we have of . getting-- . LAURA . I don't know what chance we have! . ROB . If you could tell me roughly... . LAURA . (finally gives up) . Alright, we have a nine percent chance of getting back together. . ROB . Nine? . LAURA . Nine. . ROB . Nine. Okay. . (beat) . Can I ask you one more question? . LAURA . Yes. . ROB . (beat) . Is it better? . LAURA . Is what better? Better than what? . ROB . Well. Sex, I guess. Is it better? . LAURA . (laughs) . You really think it would make a difference either way? . . 49 . ROB . I don't know. . LAURA . Well the answer is I don't know either. We haven't done it yet. . ROB . Never? . LAURA . I haven't felt like it. . ROB . Not even before, when he was living upstairs? . LAURA . No. I was living with you, remember? We've slept together but . we haven't made love. Not yet. . ROB . Not yet. . LAURA . Are you gonna stop calling my office? . ROB . Yeah. . LAURA . Okay. . ROB . Okay. . LAURA . Goodbye. . ROB . Goodbye. . (Laura exits. Rob, amazed, starts to feel . happy again.) . #10 - NINE PERCENT CHANCE . ROB . Why am I feeling so good? . Why am I feeling so high? . Like I could reach for the sky . and nothing’s gonna bring me down? . . 50 . ROB . ‘Cause you paved the way for romance . when you kept him out of your pants. . I’m a new man today and I say… . Hey! Hey! . Hey ! Hey! Hey! . I’ve got a nine percent chance of your love! . A nine percent chance of your love! . Nine percent of the time it’s me you’re thinking of! . My foot’s in the door, . and if you’re keeping score - I only need ninety one more! . I’m back on my game now, . and fit as a fiddle. . ‘Cause you can’t deny that . you want me a little. . I’m back in the driver’s seat -- . or at least in the car. . I’m back on the road -- to where you are! . I’ve got a nine percent chance of your love! . A nine percent chance of your love! . And I’m pretty sure - it’s just a matter of when - . my chances go up to ten! . (GUY WITH MOHAWK rips Barry’s sign . off the bulletin board and then approaches.) . GUY WITH MOHAWK . Young gunslingers wanted to start band. You put this up? . BARRY . Yeah. . GUY WITH MOHAWK . What kinda stuff you into? . (Dick rises up out of the stack like a gopher . coming out of its hole. He listens, amazed.) . BARRY . Mostly experimental, but with a pop sensibility. . GUY WITH MOHAWK . That sounds great. We don’t have any gigs yet, but we get . together to jam on Tuesday nights if you’re interested. . BARRY . Alright. . . 51 . GUY WITH MOHAWK . What do you play anyway? . BARRY . Nothin’. . GUY WITH MOHAWK . (beat) . Cool. I’ll call ya. . (Guy with Mohawk walks out, flipping . Barry the Rock-On sign as he exits. Barry . turns out suddenly and sings.) . BARRY . I’m gonna lay it all on the line, . get out from under this bushel and shine. . I’ve got music to make and finally it will be heard! . I’ve been hiding myself -- that was wrong. . The world’s done without me for far too long! . Hey, Coldplay -- get out of my way! . Hey! Hey! . Hey-hey-hey! . I’ve got a one percent chance of success! . A one percent chance, maybe less. . I will be known as His Royal Rock Highness, . facing the odds at a hundred to one, . but that’s still better than none! . ROB & BARRY . Sometimes all you need is . a sliver of hope n’ . you may just succeed . or at least the door’s open. . What once seemed impossible . is there in your reach. . You’re riding the wave! . Or at least on the beach! . ROB . I could win back her heart! . BARRY . I could make the chicks dance. . I’ve got a one percent . . 52 . ROB . -- a nine percent chance. . (Anna sidles up to Dick shyly.) . ANNA . My name’s Anna by the way. . DICK . Oh, okay. . ANNA . We weren’t officially introduced. . DICK . No, I know. Um, I’m Dick. . ANNA . Hi, Dick. . (She smiles, and goes back to browsing. . Dick turns out and sings.) . DICK . I’m gonna find out her last name . and find out if she feels the same. . I’ll ask her out and get to see what’s in her heart. . There’s not much hope I can win it . but the game has begun - and look who’s in it! . Who knows? -- she might go. . Yeah, maybe if I was the last man on Earth. . (Dick stops for just a moment to figure out . that math, and then...) . DICK . There’s a point oh! Oh! . Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! . Oh! Oh! Oh! One percent chance she’ll say yes! . Around one in a billion I guess. . I’m approaching infinity and happiness. . We could go on a date, . It could be any day. . I’m only light-years away! . . 53 . ROB BARRY, DICK . That’s what she said, said ENSEMBLE . She said… . GUY WITH MOHAWK (Matt) . Maybe there is a God. . FUTON GUY (Justin) . Maybe I’ve got a pray’r. . HIPSTER (Andrew) . Maybe oh maybe Elvis -- . ALL . isn’t dead! . Sometimes all you need is . a sliver of hope n’ . you may just succeed . or at least the door’s open. . What once seemed impossible, . is there in your reach. . You’re riding the wave! . Or at least on the beach! . ROB . If I’ve got a chance! BARRY . And I’ve got a chance! DICK . Then I’ve got a chance! . ROB, BARRY, DICK ENSEMBLE . Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! / Hey! / Hey! . Hey! Hey! Hey! . ROB . I’ve got a nine percent chance of your love! . A nine percent chance of her love! . A nine percent chance of your love! ENSEMBLE . nine percent chance . Nine percent of the time it’s me you’re of her love! . thinking of! ooh ooh . You say that it’s hopeless - but I say that’s bull. ah - ah - ah - . My cup runneth over - well, it’s ah - ah - ah - . nine percent full, nine percent full . And that’s a fine percent chance, . fine percent chance . . 54 . (Marie enters the store and looks around.) . ROB . A nine percent chance - ENSEMBLE . nine percent chance! . Of your love! Love! . ROB . I feel great! . ENSEMBLE . of your love! . ROB . So great in fact - . ENSEMBLE . ooh ooh ooh . ROB . I go out and sleep with Marie LaSalle! . ALL . Of your lo-ove! . (Rob walks off with Marie as the lights fade.) . END OF ACT ONE . . 55 . ACT TWO . Scene 1 . (Lights up on Rob’s apartment. He sits up in . bed, next to Marie LaSalle. She’s asleep. He . makes sure she’s asleep and then he speaks to . us, whispering so as not to wake her.) . ROB . I know what you’re thinking. How does he do it? The guy’s . surly, he’s broke, he hangs out with the musical moron twins, and . yet he gets to go to bed with Marie LaSalle. . (he shrugs smugly and sings) . #11 - I SLEPT WITH SOMEONE (WHO SLEPT WITH LYLE LOVETT) . How did the deed go down? . How did it come to be? . Why should this great bounty fall . to a regular joe like me? . I talked about my broken heart . cried like some pathetic slob . It was low and it was desperate . but it sure as hell did the job! . ‘cause I slept with someone who slept with Lyle Lovett! . Yes I slept with someone who slept with Lyle Lovett! . I can’t believe how much my life has improved! . I’m sleeping with a rock star . well - a rock star once removed! . Yes I slept with someone who slept with Lyle Lovett . and I love it that my lover slept with Lyle! . There we were . justa chattin’ ‘bout our exes . Now I’m in bed . with a girl who bed . the coolest guy in Texas! . Maybe Lyle and me will be buddies someday! . and he can send some more sloppy seconds my way! Hey! . I slept with someone who slept with Lyle Lovett . and if I had a boss -- I’d say take this job and shove it! . I was kind of nervous . ‘cause it’s been a while . . 56 . ROB . but if you flipped her over . I’ll bet you’d see a smile! . Yes, I slept with someone who slept with Lyle Lovett! . (spoken) . who slept with Julia Roberts . who starred with Campbell Scott . who did a film with Kyra Sedgwick . who slept with Kevin Bacon! Hey! . (sings) . I slept with someone who slept with Lyle Lovett . and I love it that my lover is a gal all guys would covet . yes I love it that my lover slept with Ly----le! . Yee-haw! . (Lights out on him, and up on Ian’s . apartment. Laura sits in bed next to Ian. . She makes sure he’s asleep and then sings.) . #12 - I SLEPT WITH SOMEONE (WHO HANDLED KURT COBAIN’S INTERVENTION . LAURA . I slept with someone who handled Kurt Cobain’s intervention. . he taught me all these tantric moves . and he’s really good at frenchin’! . he’s vibrant and creative . and makes salads that have flowers! . he slathers me in oils and massages me for hours . …and hours…and hours. . he’s caring and supportive, . and gives me his full attention. . I slept with someone . who handled a dead rock star’s intervention! . finally - - a grown-up who always pays his bills. . he’s got insurance, self-assurance, marketable skills . he’s not like all the others, . only one thing on the brain. . but if I had my druthers . I’d have slept with…Kurt Cobain. . I slept with someone who handled Kurt Cobain’s intervention. . A fact which all too often, he’s all too glad to mention. . And what is there to brag about? . I wouldn’t go and shout it . ‘cause it really didn’t go so well . when you think about it . . 57 . LAURA . but I won’t think about it . or why my jaw keeps clenchin’ . or the fact that when he’s mounting me . I feel this mounting tension. . I slept with someone who handled . Kurt Cobain’s intervention. . (Lights up on both apartments. Marie and . Ian wake up.) . IAN . Morning. LAURA . Morning. . MARIE . Morning. ROB . Morning. . ROB . You wanna grab some brunch? IAN . Grab some brunch? . MARIE . Actually, I have brunch plans. . ROB . You do? . IAN . The Leaf and Lentil has those dynamite bulgur wheat pancakes. . (Lights out on Ian and Laura) . MARIE . I just got a call. Lyle lifted the injunction. And he wants to see . me. . ROB . But…what about last night? . MARIE . (getting dressed) . Oh, come on, Bob. we were horny and we wanted to forget our . exes. No sense in a broken heart getting in the way of a good time, . right? . ROB . (beat) . Right. . . 58 . (Lights switch to Ian’s apartment. He’s . getting dressed.) . LAURA . Actually, Ian…I’d kill for a slab of bacon. . IAN . (chuckles) . That’s exactly what you’d be doing - slaughtering some poor . sow jacked up on hormones. Have you seen this PETA pamphlet? . (hands her one) . LAURA . (opens pamphlet) . Oh look - pictures. . IAN . I’m gonna call Tofu Connection and reserve the straw-mat in the . corner. . (heads off) . LAURA . Oh…okay. . (Lights up on both apartments.) . ROB . I don’t suppose I could come along? Just to…meet Lyle? . MARIE . (little laugh) . Yeah, right. . (Marie takes off. Laura and Rob are left . alone.) . #13 - I SLEPT WITH SOMEONE (REPRISE) . ROB . I slept with someone LAURA . I slept with someone . who slept with Lyle Lovett . who handled Kurt Cobain’s . intervention . I slept with someone . I slept with someone . who any guy would covet . as he’s all too glad to mention . ROB . I’ll never make her liner notes . . 59 . LAURA . I hate the things he cooks . BOTH . I slept with someone . who was perfect on the books . ROB . we got along so brilliantly . then had nothing to say . LAURA . who needs sex for more than . twenty minutes in a day? . BOTH . just who is this person that I slept with anyway? . LAURA . God I’m so confused . ROB . Oh God I feel so used! . ROB . surely there’s a better LAURA . safer . BOTH . warmer place to be . I slept with someone… yippee. . (Laura goes. Rob, left alone, addresses the . audiences.) . ROB . Okay, here they are. The top five things I miss about Laura. One: . her sense of humor. Very dry, but also surprisingly perverse . Two: She’s got character. She’s loyal and honest, and if she’s . having a bad day, she doesn’t take it out on other people. That’s . character. . . 60 . ROB . Three: I miss her smell, and the way she tastes. It’s a mystery of . human chemistry, but some people, as far as your senses are . concerned just...feel like home. . Four: I really dig how she walks around. It’s like she doesn’t care . how she looks or what she projects, and it’s not that she doesn’t . care, it’s just...she’s not affected, I guess. And that gives her . grace. . Five: she does this thing in bed when she can’t get to sleep, she . kinda half-moans and then rubs her feet together an equal number . of times. It just kills me. . (beat) . And Six, if you’ll indulge me - She eats like a man. Burgers, beer, . chicken wings, you name it. And she doesn’t believe in napkins. I . love that about her. . (can’t help going on) . Also, she used to call me at work just to talk, even though we saw . each other all the time. . And seven, or eight, I guess it’s eight - she hardly swears ever. . Everyone else I know has a terrible potty mouth, but Laura has a . real respect for the English language, and I admire that. . (getting away from him now) . Nine - I’m sorry but - nine - her Tetris addiction. Which she tries . to hide from me. If I walk into the room and she’s at the computer, . she immediately switches to this other screen with some legal . document on it. But I know what she’s doing, and it’s cute - and I . hate that word, but that’s what it is. . Ten - she smirks in her sleep. I don’t know what she’s dreaming . about, but it makes me wish I was with her. . Anyway, those are the top five things I currently miss about her. . . 61 . Scene 2 . ROB . And now I do what I always do when I get in one of these moods. . I put on Neil Young’s “Exit Sign.” . #14 - EXIT SIGN . NEIL YOUNG (Matt Caplan) . (sings) . I passed a toll booth . I chipped my old tooth . I’ve been a lookin’ for the exit sign… . ROB NEIL YOUNG . I hate that song. Because it always na na na na na . reminds me of Alison Ashworth, . and that rainy day under the middle school na na na na na . bleachers when I caught her making out . with Kevin Bannister. na na na na na na na . ALISON . (appears) . I needed a change, Rob. We were in a rut. . ROB NEIL YOUNG . Which always brings me to that drizzly na na na na na . day on the soccer field when Clark . Thompson told me he bagged Penny na na na na na . Hardwick, who wouldn’t even let me . touch her breast when we were dating. na na na na na . PENNY . (appears) . Clark was nice. na na na . ROB . Which then reminds me of standing outside Charlie Nicholson’s . apartment in a downpour, locking eyes with the dreaded Marco as . he lowered the shade. . CHARLIE . (appears) . I’m sorry he called the cops, Rob. . NEIL YOUNG . …I’m still a lookin’ for the exit sign… . . 62 . ROB NEIL YOUNG . And that of course leads me to Sarah na na na na na . Kendrew telling me she was a . lesbian at a rainy outdoor concert. na na na na na . SARAH . (appears) . It was the Indigo Girls, Rob. na na na na na . You should’ve seen it coming. na na na . ROB . What’s wrong with me? Seriously, what happened? Why am I . doomed to be left? Doomed to be rejected? And why is it always . raining? . ROB & NEIL YOUNG . …I keep a lookin’ for the exit sign… . NEIL YOUNG . and its eight o’ nine . ROB . I need answers. So I call Laura. Many times. Way too many . times. And she never picks up. . (Lights up suddenly on Rob and Liz at Crunch. . Liz exercises.) . LIZ . You have got to stop calling her, Rob! You’re really upsetting her! . And him. . ROB . I don’t care about him. . LIZ . Well you should. Because all you’re doing is forming a little unit. . Them against you. Before you started all this psychotic madness, there . was no unit. There was just three people in a mess. But now they’ve . got something in common. It’s no wonder they slept together! . ROB . Slept together?! . LIZ . Yes, and it’s your fault! . ROB . But she said she hadn’t slept with him yet! . . 63 . LIZ . Yet, Rob! YET! The implication being she was bound to get . around to it eventually. . ROB . That’s not the implication at all! If you said to me “I haven’t seen . Evil Dead 2 yet,” you’re obviously not desperate to see it, . otherwise you would’ve gone already! . LIZ . But we’re not talking about me taking in some shitty zombie flick! . We’re talking about Laura sleeping with that jackass! . ROB . You don’t happen to have Ian’s address, do you? . LIZ . (beat) . Don’t. . ROB . Don’t what? . LIZ . (off his look) . Please, Rob. I know how you get. . ROB . What do you mean how I get? . (Liz vanishes. Rob is outside Ian’s . apartment in the pouring rain. The ex- . girlfriends are also here.) . #15 - CRYIN’ IN THE RAIN . ROB . (sings into a cell phone) . Lauuura! . Answer the phone, answer the phone! . for fuck’ s sake won’t you . answer the fucking phone! . LAURA . (answering) . Hello? . ROB . Oh hi. It’s me. Rob. . LAURA . Rob, where are you? . . 64 . ROB LAURA . Listen Laura, I just want to say-- I can’t really talk right now. . (interrupting, singing) . I think you’re running! . You’re running scared, little girl! . from the sharp point each relationship hits . so you feel the need to blow it to bits . but soon, you’re gonna wake and see . you can run, little child, but you’ll never be free . no you’ll never be free…no no no! . have your fun, little child -- don’t you worry ‘bout me . IAN . Is that him? . LAURA . Ian— . IAN . Laura, he needs you to hang up. . ROB . Oh God! EX-GIRLFRIENDS/BACK-UPS . don’t leave me cryin’ in the rain! cryin’ . I’m always cryin’ in the rain! cryin’ in the rain . God I hate cryin’ in the rain! cryin’ cryin in the rain . LAURA . Is that you outside? . ROB . I see you through the window . looking so drawn and pale . ROB . oh how can you stand . to be manhandled . by that Steven Segal ponytail? EX-GIRLFRIENDS/BACK-UPS . you needed to experiment needed . and dickhead fit the bill dickhead . but he doesn’t love you doesn’t love you . and he’ll never understand you... ah - ah - . like I will, like I wi--i--ll! like I will . you can run, little child, ooh . run . but you’ll never be free ooh . no you’ll never be free.. . no . . 65 . ROB EX-GIRLFRIENDS/BACK-UPS . no no no no ahh . have your fun, little child - . fun . don’t you worry ‘bout me ahh . don’t you worry ‘bout me, . no . no, no, . no . no! . (spoken) . Hello? Hello? . (sings) . Lauuura! EX-GIRLFRIENDS/BACK-UPS . don’t leave me cryin’ in the rain! cryin’ . I’m always cryin’ in the rain! cryin’ in the rain . God I hate cryin’ in the cryin’ cryin in the rain . Lauuura! . (He collapses in tears onto the wet pavement.) . . 66 . Scene 3 . (Rob moves from the misery of “Cryin’ In . The Rain” to Championship Vinyl. He’s . being badgered by Barry. Rob is in a foul mood.) . BARRY . I am offering you an opportunity of a lifetime. . ROB . By letting your band perform in the store? . BARRY . No need to thank me. . ROB . It’s not gonna happen, Barry. . BARRY . It’ll bring in a new crowd. . ROB . I don’t care. . BARRY . Wow, this whole time I thought not having customers was a bad . thing - not, like, a business strategy. . ROB . You’re funny. . BARRY . Come on man, we can make it a thing. Ya’ know every Saturday . night. You can DJ again. Dick can…run a lemonade stand or . something. . ROB . Seriously, are you still talking? . BARRY . I’ll just let the band know you’re mulling it over. . ROB . I’m not mulling it over. . BARRY . You think about it, and get back to me. . ROB . No. . . 67 . BARRY . I’ll let you sleep on it. . ROB . Barry— . (But Dick enters with a mop, and Barry is . onto his next victim…) . BARRY . Hey Dick, guess who I saw on my lunch break? . DICK . Your dietician? . BARRY . You know that’s Thursdays, smart-ass. It was your girlfriend, and . you might be interested to know that I followed her into another . record store. . DICK . Um, she’s not my girlfriend. And more to the point, why were . you, um, following her? . BARRY . I had to, it was Coconuts. She was buying a CD at Coconuts. . DICK . It’s not against the law, Barry. . BARRY . Dude, it was John Tesh. She was buying a copy of John fucking Tesh! . (Stunned silence. Dick looks as if someone . just told him he has cancer.) . DICK . That’s not true. You take it back. . BARRY . I’m sorry, man. I wish I wasn’t the one to have to tell you. . DICK . You’re lying! You just want me to be unhappy like you! Just . because your band sucks— . BARRY . My band doesn’t suck! We’re just finding our voice! And that tape . was just a jam session! I should never have let you listen to it! . . 68 . DICK . You’re a mean sonofabitch, Barry! . TMPMITW . Yes, he is mean. You know what he said to me yesterday? . DICK AND BARRY . Shut up, T-M-P-M-I-T-W! . (The door opens, and Anna enters with a bag from . Coconuts. Dick looks like he’s going to cry.) . ANNA . Hey. . GUYS . Hey. . DICK . Um, what’s in the bag? . ANNA . Oh, sorry. Your competition, I know. But I got it for you. . (pulls out John Tesh CD) . Do you know him? John Tesh? I think he’s pretty great. Live at . Red Rocks? . (off their blank look) . He used to be on Entertainment Tonight. With Mary Hart? . (more blank looks) . Since you showed me the music you like, I thought… . (awkward silence) . Something wrong? . (Barry looks to Dick, who is clearly torn.) . DICK . Um, we don’t…we don’t want that. That CD. . ANNA . Oh. . DICK . It’s not really…um, our taste. . ANNA . Right. Okay. . DICK . Sorry. . . 69 . ANNA . (feels a little foolish now) . Whatever. No worries. I’ve got the receipt. . DICK . Oh, that’s good then. It’s always smart to save receipts. . ANNA . Right. Well I should go bring this back then. . (She puts the CD back in the bag, and heads . for the door. They watch her go. She stops . in the doorway and turns back.) . ANNA . You could’ve just taken it and said thank you. Dick. . (She goes. Silence.) . BARRY . Whoa. Talk about dodging a bullet. . DICK . (tries to smile) . Yeah, big time. . (The door opens again. Dick turns . expectantly. Is Anna back? But no, it’s Ian . who swaggers in. Rob darkens. Gunfighter . eyes. Ian approaches him.) . ROB . Can I help you? . IAN . Hello, Rob. Remember me? Ian? . (no response) . I thought maybe we should talk. Sort things out? . (Rob is disoriented/angry. Dick and Barry's . ears perk up.) . ROB . What things? . IAN . Ten phone calls a night, hanging around outside my house... . ROB . I've stopped all that now. . . 70 . IAN . You were there this morning. . (moves in closer) . Usually this kind of obsessive acting out signifies a bigger . problem. I can help if you’d like. Conflict resolution is my job. . ROB . There’s nothing to resolve. . IAN . (smiles) . That’s exactly what Kurt Cobain said. . (to Barry) . I handled his intervention. . BARRY . Oh yeah? How’d that work out for ya? . (Ian’s smile cracks just a little. He turns . back to Rob.) . IAN . Look, I know better than anyone how special Laura is. But I'd like . to believe that if she decided she didn't want to see me anymore, I'd . respect her decision. Know what I'm saying, Robbo? . ROB . Yeah. . (The bell on the door jingles as a customer enters.) . IAN . So shall we leave it at that then? . (Rob glares, sure of himself, righteous. . Slasher guitar music kicks in a la . “Barracuda.” or “Welcome to the Jungle.” . Rob advances menacingly toward Ian.) . #16 - CONFLICT RESOLUTION . ROB . (sings) . Aaaaaaaaa--ah! . DICK . Don’t do it Rob! . ROB . (to IAN) . Leave town! Leave the country! . . 71 . ROB . Little Bitch . you’re gonna feel my rage! IAN . You’re gonna look back at ten phone calls a night aaah! . as a motherfucking golden age! . ROB . you'll be home to the maggots and fleas . I'm going to bring you to your sha-na-na-na-na-na . knees knees! . your shan-na-na-na-na-na knees! . (BLACKOUT. Lights up.) . CUT TO FANTASY #2 . IAN . Know what I'm saying, Robbo? . ROB . Yeah. . (The bell on the door jingles as a customer enters.) . IAN . So shall we leave it at that then? . ALL THREE . here’s our conflict resolution! . time for the final solution! . DICK . gonna punish your doughy white body! . with a taste of my . ALL . Haaaaaiiiii! Karate! . BARRY . you’ve breathed your last breath sucka . ROB . resolve this conflict . ROB, DICK, BARRY . mother fuckah! . (BLACKOUT. Lights up.) . . 72 . CUT TO FANTASY #3 . IAN . Know what I'm saying, Robbo? . ROB . Yeah. . (The bell on the door jingles as a customer enters.) . IAN . So shall we leave it at that then? . ROB . How bout we leave it at this? . (Rob shoots Ian) . ROB . I’m so tired of hearing your mouth run . popped a cap on your ass, now you’re done son . BARRY . Attention shoppers! There’s blood on the flo’ . DICK . we got a one eight seven on aisle fo’ . ROB . now you know how much your life is worth . this was your . ROB, BARRY, DICK HIPSTER (Andrew) . last real record store on earth what . earth earth earth what what what . BITCHES . ROB It’s a better place you’ve gone to . You better hope its better I pray the Lord your soul to save . Pathetic rebound fuck while you rest up there in heaven . Yeah yeah yeah! . I’ll be pissin’ on your grave . I will be pissin on your grave . got my ho’s *beep* down pissin on your grave . and a magnum of . Kris . pissin on your grave . . 73 . ROB . I’m gonna *beep* you in the *beep . with my mother-fuckin’ *beep* BITCHES . pray the lord your soul to save . girl open up his mouth ‘cause I’m ready to . ROB, BARRY, DICK . Piss pissin’ pissin’ pissin’ on your grave! . Now you’ve had a taste of my big black glock . how about a taste of my *beeeeep* . (BLACKOUT. Lights up.) . CUT BACK TO REALITY . IAN . Know what I'm saying, Robbo? . ROB . Yeah. . (The bell on the door jingles as a customer enters.) . IAN . So shall we leave it at that then? . ROB . (beat - lame) . Yeah. Fine. . IAN . Terrific. This is a great first step, Rob. If you wanna talk some . more, gimme a call. . (beat) . Just not when Laura’s there. . (Ian hands him his card, and walks out. . Rob looks spent. The guys actually feel . badly for him. The store drifts off, and . Rob’s apartment comes on as Rob addresses . the audience…) . . 74 . Scene 4 . ROB . You know the worst part? That dipshit might have a point. I . should just forget her. The trouble is, I haven’t forgotten a girl . since seventh grade. I don’t think I know how. . (Rob collapses onto his sofa and clicks on a . Bruce Springsteen video for comfort) . ROB . I bet you never had these problems. Did ya, Bruce? . BRUCE . (on Video; to a cheering crowd) . Is there anybody alive tonight? . ROB . (to the audience) . Oh man, the Boss. . BRUCE . (on Video; to a cheering crowd) . Is there anybody alive?! . #17 - GOODBYE AND GOOD LUCK . ROB . (sings) . Why can’t I be like the Boss? . ‘cause being like me is no fun. . why was I doomed to be left? . why wasn’t I born to run? . why can’t I let loose of this heavy load - . of rage and of pain? . why can’t I be from Thunder Road . and not from Pudding Hill Lane? . with my girl on stage there smiling across? . even for one night . why can’t I be like the Boss? . whoa whoa . why can’t I be like the Boss? . whoa whoa-oh-a . why can’t I be like the— . BRUCE . Why can’t you, Rob? . ROB . What? . . 75 . BRUCE . Why can’t you be like me? . ROB . Boss?! . BRUCE . Please, call me Mr. Springsteen. You know, with your Top five . Break-Ups - why don’t you get in touch with them. . ROB . Why would I? . BRUCE . Well, it’s like in “Bobby Jean?” . ROB . Where you call the girl up but she’s left town, and you’re pissed . off that you didn’t know about it? . BRUCE . Right, ‘cause I wanted to say good-bye and that I missed her, and . to wish her good luck. “Closure.” Same with your Top five: . (sings) . why don’t you call them like the ghosts . that roam the Main Street of the Steel Town . where the Plant’s been closed . since Veteran’s Day . ROB . What Plant? . BRUCE . you’re a lost soul drowning . in the mem’ries that haunt you . all those pretty bare feet running into the night . -- see them running away . ROB . But what would I say? . BRUCE . just tell ‘em how you are . and ask ‘em how they are . then look into their eyes . and talk without making a sound . then you can forgive them for messing around . and they can forgive you for messing around . . 76 . BRUCE . yeah you can forgive them for messing around! . and they can forgive you for messing around! . think how good you’ll be feeling then! . shining like the chrome on your bike . all revved up and ready to start again . laughing as you’re thinking back to when . love was something you didn’t like . so bottled up with pain you might explode . so if you want to be lifted of your heavy load . Say goodbye and good luck to your top five break-ups . and move on down the road! . ROB . Say what? . BRUCE . Say goodbye and good luck to your top five break-ups . and move on down the road! . ROB . Alison who ditched me . after three days in the park? . BRUCE . Call her! . ROB . Penny who wouldn’t let me feel her up . then had sex with that bastard Clark? . BRUCE . Cold! . ROB . Charlie who was too much for my heart to defend. . Sarah who was safe, but then turned gay in the end! . ROB/BRUCE . Laura who made me/you the mess that I am/you are today! . BRUCE . Say goodbye and good luck to your top five break-ups . and move on down the road! . ROB . Thanks Mr. Springsteen! . . 77 . BRUCE . Hey! Why don’t you call me the Boss? . ROB . Wow. . BRUCE . Now go do it to it! . [MUSIC vamps softly underneath.] . (Four phones ring and the ex-girlfriends appear) . ALISON . Hello? . PENNY . (a la Duane on What’s Happening) . Hey-HEY-hey. . CHARLIE . Pronto? . SARAH . Yo. . [MUSIC in.] . ROB . (sings) . Well hey there I just called to say hello . and wish you well and that I cherish those times we shared . despite what you did . ALISON . Who is this? . ROB . though you wouldn’t even let me touch your breast . then gave it up for Clark . let’s put the past to rest: . hey! you were only a kid. . PENNY . How’d you get this number? . ROB . sure I was naive then, my heart-on-my sleeve then . and I never quite got my feet back on the ground . . 78 . CHARLIE . There’s my call-waiting! . SARAH . I’m a dyke! . ROB . but girl I forgive you for messing around . and I hope you forgive me for messing around . just know I forgive you for messing around . and I pray you forgive me for messin’ around -- . LAURA . (interrupting - genuine concern for him) . Rob, this is getting crazy. I am really worried about you. . ROB . Well don’t be. It’s why I’m calling. I’m ready to say goodbye, . and good luck, and I’ll miss you. . LAURA . (beat - a pang of hurt) . Oh. Really? . ROB . Yeah, it’s better for me to let go. So I can be happy again. Like you said. . LAURA . (tries to not sound hurt) . Like I said? . ROB . Yeah, I can finally see what you were talking about. This is better . for both of us. . LAURA . (not believing it) . Right. Okay. . ROB . Well, I’ll see you around. . LAURA . Rob— . ROB . (correcting himself) . Sorry. No. Won’t see you around, I mean. Won’t see you around. Bye, Laura. . (He hangs up. Laura is gone.) . . 79 . ROB . (sings) . now I‘m feelin’ clean and new and fresh! . shining like the chrome on my bike! BRUCE . Schwinn! . ROB . all revved up and ready to start again! . BRUCE . yeah -- you’re laughin’ as you’re thinkin’ back to when . love was somethin’ you didn’t like . ROB . I put an end to that old episode . BOTH . and if you want to be lifted of your heavy load . say goodbye and good luck to my/your top five break ups . and move on down the road! . say goodbye and good luck to my/your top five break ups . BRUCE . Ciao and adios to your top five break-ups. . BOTH . So long and sayonara . To that old pain and sorra . ROB . I’m movin’ on down! . BRUCE . You won’t stick around! . ROB . I’m movin’ on down… . BOTH . The ro-o-o-oad! . . 80 . Scene 5 . (Championship Vinyl. It’s the end of . another day. Rob is energized, renewed, . ready to start life again.) . ROB . So listen, Roscoe’s has that Austrian girl-band playing tonight if . you’re interested. . BARRY . Viener-Viener? . ROB . Remember that blonde on the sousaphone? She was into me. And . I’m ready to get back up on the horse. Primed for a night out. . Whadaya say? A few beers, some old-school Miss Pac-Man? . BARRY . I can’t. I got some lyrics to hammer out. . ROB . (beat) . Lyrics? . BARRY . Yeah, the band’s got an audition for a gig coming up. . ROB . You don’t have an audition. . BARRY . What are you, jealous? . ROB . No. . BARRY . You had your chance, buddy. You didn’t wanna book us in here, . so screw you. We’re going to the Banh Mi Saigon. . ROB . You’re auditioning to perform in a Vietnamese sub shop? . BARRY . What’d you think, I was gonna stick around here the rest of my . life? You people are dead-weight. . ROB . But Friday is club night. That’s what we do. . . 81 . BARRY . Well I’m busy. . (as Dick enters) . Take the Dickster instead. . DICK . Actually, I have plans. With Anna. . BARRY . Holy shit-balls! . DICK . She’s invited me to a concert. . BARRY . I thought we were clear on this, Dick. . DICK . We’re seeing John Tesh. . BARRY . (beat - genuine concern) . What’s wrong, buddy? Did she do something to you? Is it mind . control? She’s not a Scientologist, is she? . ROB . Shut up, Barry. . BARRY . No, he needs to know! We have nothing in common with this girl! . DICK . (sings) . #18 - IT’S NO PROBLEM (REPRISE) . It’s no problem - so she doesn’t like the Clash . and she likes “Achy Breaky Heart” . -- and thinks it’s sung by Johnny Cash . BARRY . Words fail. . DICK . she’s really into learning stuff - so it should be okay . but if she weren’t, I’d still like her anyway . ‘cause she’s pretty and real nice and smart and not too short . and also not too tall . so it’s no problem... no problem at all. . it’s no problem . though our tastes may disagree . she may not like the things I like . . 82 . DICK . but she says she likes me. . (Anna enters, unseen by Dick, and listens to . him sing,) . DICK . and her laughing . is my fav’rite sound by far . and I’m thinking, . it’s not what you like that counts, but who you are . when it comes to favorite Beatle . mine is George, . ANNA . and mine is Paul. . DICK . but it’s no problem… . ANNA . It’s no problem… . BOTH . It’s no problem-em-em-em-em-em-em . a-a-a-a-at all. . (Dick grabs his coat and holds the door open . for Anna. They walk off as their theme . music blasts dramatically.) . BARRY . (after a stunned beat) . Wow, that makes absolutely no sense. . (beat) . Well, I’m off to buy a rhyming dictionary! Wish me luck! . (Barry takes off, leaving Rob alone with . TMPMITW. Rob begins to close down the . store over the following…) . TMPMITW . Well, the little ones are finally leaving the nest, eh? Flying off to . new horizons. While you and I are left among the dusty bins of . long-forgotten folkies and punks. . ROB . You gotta go. . . 83 . TMPMITW . If I had a nickel for every time I heard that… . ROB . Seriously, I’m closing up. . TMPMITW . Very well, if you would just do me the pleasure of ringing up this . Marie LaSalle Compact Disk then I will take my leave of you. . ROB . Consider it a gift. . TMPMITW . You’re thinking about your lady-friend aren’t you? . ROB . No, I’m not. . TMPMITW . You know, I loved a girl once. It didn’t work out for me either. . You and I, we’re like kindred spirits. . (big smile) . Well, goodnight. . (sings as he goes) . You’re just like me. Alone and sad… . (And he goes. Rob turns to the audience.) . ROB . The Most Pathetic Man in the World has just called me his kindred . spirit. I am disturbed to my very core. And this moment . immediately becomes one of my all-time top-five low-points, the . other four of which temporarily escape me. . (Suddenly the shop door is thrown open, and . Liz comes marching in like she always does.) . ROB . (sure he’ll be called an asshole again) . Aw, Jesus. Liz, please don’t. I’m not in the mood to— . LIZ . Laura’s dad died. . ROB . (beat - stunned) . What? . . 84 . LIZ . They thought he was doing better, but apparently he wasn’t, so… . And Laura’s a mess, I just talked to her. . ROB . Wow. Okay. . LIZ . So…just giving you the heads up. In case you wanted to, I don’t . know, call her or something. . ROB . (beat) . Yeah, that might be a little awkward. . LIZ . Awkward. . ROB . Yeah, since we’re…not together at all. I wouldn’t want to…you . know. I would feel weird. . LIZ . Well, we wouldn’t want you to feel weird. . ROB . (knows where this is going) . Okay… . LIZ . He didn’t die to inconvenience you, you know. . ROB . Shut up, Liz. . LIZ . If you don’t want to be there for Laura, that’s your business, but I . am telling you right now, I’m done with this bullshit. I’m not . holding your hand anymore, Rob. . ROB . Is that a promise? . LIZ . (getting really pissed now) . I swear to God, you act like everyone is a supporting actor in your . life-story. This is about Laura, not you. Not everything is about . you. . ROB . That’s not fair. . . 85 . LIZ . Oh? . ROB . And don’t fucking say “Oh” like that. I am not the bad-guy, Liz. . I’m not. Not all the time, at least. . LIZ . Rob— . ROB . No, I can either stick up for myself, or I can believe everything you . say about me and end up hating myself every minute of the day. . And maybe you think I should, but that’s not much of a life, is it? . I can’t go on apologizing my whole life. . LIZ . (beat) . I think just the once would do. . (Silence. And then Liz goes. Rob looks . after her. . And then, left utterly alone, he grabs his . keys and heads out, the grate closing as the . set changes.) . . 86 . Scene 6 . (The set shifts to the garden of an apartment . somewhere in the Village. Through the . french doors, mourners move about the post- . funeral reception inside. Dick, Barry and . Anna have stepped outside for some air.) . BARRY . Wow, that was a downer. . DICK . It was a funeral, Barry. . BARRY . Still… . (suddenly) . Top five songs about death - a Laura's Dad Tribute List. . DICK . (looks around nervously) . Oh, um, I don’t know if that’s really appropriate… . BARRY . "Leader of the Pack." The guy deeps it on his motorcycle and dies, . right? . DICK . Seriously, Barry, this is kinda… . BARRY . "Tell Laura I Love Her." The mom could’ve sung it at the service. . It would’ve brought the house down. . DICK . (finding it hard to resist the game) . That’s true, but… . BARRY . “Cemetary Polka,” Tom Waits. “Dead Shrimp Blues.” . DICK . There’s always, um, “Dead” by the Pixies. . BARRY . There ya go! . DICK . And “Fly on the Windscreen” by Depeche Mode. . . 87 . BARRY . “Not Dark Yet.” - Bob Dylan! . ANNA . (whispers) . What about “Wreck of the Edmund Fitzgerald” by Gordon Lightfoot? . (The guys turn to her as one, expressionless.) . BARRY . (mutters) . That is so good it should’ve been mine. Ya little bastard! . (Dick & Barry ad lib praise to Anna. Liz sees Barry . and approaches.) . ANNA . Yeah. That’s right! . LIZ . Hey, guys. . DICK, BARRY, & ANNA . (back to funeral mode) . Hey… . BARRY . (re: reception inside) . Bummer, huh? . LIZ . Yeah. Big time. . BARRY . (awkward beat) . So, hey, this probably isn’t the best time to ask, but did you get a . chance to listen to that tape of my band I gave you or… . DICK . Barry… . BARRY . What? I’m just asking. . LIZ . I did, actually. And it was really great. . BARRY . Yeah? And could you hear the German influence? . . 88 . LIZ . Absolutely. . BARRY . You should come hear us play some time. . LIZ . Definitely. I’d love that. . BARRY . Great. Great… . (Awkward pause. Laura steps outside, needing a . break from the condolences. Liz sees her.) . LIZ . Well, I’m gonna… . (motions to Laura) . BARRY . Okay. I’ll be here. . (Liz smiles sheepishly, and heads over to . Laura. Dick and Anna stare at Barry, a little . dumbstruck.) . BARRY . (off their look) . What? . DICK . Nothing. . (Ian steps outside, looking for Laura.) . IAN . Oh good, you’re here. . LAURA . Yeah, I just wanted to get some air, so— . IAN . (to everyone out there) . Hey folks - if I could have everyone’s attention, I’d like to say a . few words. . LAURA . Oh Ian, you really don’t have to— . . 89 . IAN . No, it’s okay. I want to. Since there wasn’t an available slot for . me to speak at the memorial service. . (back to crowd) . If everyone could join hands please… . BARRY . (whispers to Dick) . Wow, dinner and a show. How sweet is this? . (People are confused, and awkwardly gather . in a circle. Laura seems especially . uncomfortable.) . IAN . It is so hard to speak of a man I’ve never met. And yet I am . compelled to do so. The passing of Kenneth affects us all in a . profound way. . LAURA . (politely) . If you don’t mind - Ken. Nobody called him Kenneth. His name . was Ken. . (Rob steps out into the garden, unnoticed. . He’s wearing a suit, and looks incredibly . uncomfortable. He stands back, watching.) . IAN . There is an old Italian proverb that goes…"At the end of the game, . the king and the pawn go back in the same box." How true that is. . (lets that sink in) . And I think it’s something Laura’s father would have agreed with. . Though, as I mentioned, I myself never met him. But perhaps I . will, in another lifetime. . (sings) . #19 - IAN’S PRAYER . Let’s say our farewell now . as he goes to his next station . and wish him swift and blessed pain free . re-reincarnation . (chants in growing intensity) . Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh! . Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh! . Ahhhhhhhhhhh--- . LAURA . (cries out, piercing his chanting) . Ahhhhhhhhhh! . . 90 . (Laura rushes to the other end of the garden. . There’s an awkward silence. . No one is sure what to do, least of all Ian. . And then Barry turns to him.) . BARRY . Wow, you’re really good at this. . LIZ . (to everyone out here) . Okay, Laura needs a little space. If everyone could just… . (Rob steps into the shadows as the guests quickly . head back inside.) . IAN . (is about to head over to Laura) . I think maybe I should— . LIZ . No, you’ve done so much already. . IAN . You think so? . LIZ . (she means it) . Really. She just needs a little time alone right now. . (Liz takes Ian by the arm and leads him back . inside. She’s about to go over and take care . of Laura, when she spots Rob. . He motions for her to go inside. Liz smiles, . nods, and heads in, closing the doors behind her. . After a pause, Rob approaches…) . LAURA . You made it. . ROB . I’ve been here the whole time actually, I was just— . LAURA . Hiding, I know, I saw you. . ROB . I wasn’t hiding, I was just…giving you your space. . . 91 . LAURA . Glad someone is. . ROB . I’m sorry about your dad, Laura. . LAURA . He really liked you, you know. My dad. Ever since you gave him . that Pippin album. . ROB . He warned me about you. . LAURA . You’re funny. . ROB . I wasn’t being funny. He really warned me about you. . LAURA . He’d be happy you were here. I appreciate your showing up. . ROB . Of course. . LAURA . (beat) . Nice suit. . ROB . Oh, thanks. . LAURA . How’s the cat? . ROB . What cat?...Kidding. She’s fine. She misses you. . LAURA . He. . ROB . Right, he. He misses you. . LAURA . Well, I miss him too. . (This hangs in the air.) . . 92 . ROB . I hope this isn’t too weird, but… . (hands her a check from his pocket) . This is the money I owe you. I know it’s a little late but— And it has . nothing to do with anything else. Obviously it doesn’t solve the . twenty other things between us, I know that, but I did owe you the . money, and I didn’t know when I was gonna see you again so… . LAURA . Where did you get four thousand dollars? . ROB . I sold my 45’s to TMPMITW. . LAURA . What are you talking about? . ROB . The mother-lode. The Otis Redding originals. The Elvis, The Sex Pistols… . LAURA . I don’t want you to get rid of the stuff you love, Rob. . ROB . No, I’ve put a lot of thought into this, Laura, which I don’t . generally do. Usually I just do what my gut tells me to. . But the fact is I’ve been following my gut since I was fourteen, and . I’ve come to the conclusion that my guts have shit for brains. . LAURA . Nice. . #20 - LAURA, LAURA . ROB . (sings simply and soulfully) . I made a list of ev’rything . That’s gone on between you and me . And even an idiot like me could see . No matter how you add it up . When you read the bottom line . The fault was usually mine . The stupid things I’ve said and done . If I could change just even one . The thing I’d say would be: . Laura, Laura…I’m so sorry . . 93 . ROB . It’s become my trade in stock . to always jump from rock to rock . Chasing fantasies that don’t come through. . Thought I was happy just to coast . But it’s me who needed you the most . Of course that’s something I could never own up to . I want to look you in the face to say . What I never had the grace to say . When you were still with me: . Laura, Laura…I’m so sorry. . For ev’rything you’re going through . And ev’rything I can’t undo, . Please accept this small apology. . Oh Laura, Laura… . Sweet, sweet Laura . Laura, Laura….. . For letting you down… . For letting you go… . I’m so sorry. . (Rob takes her hand gently, and gives it a little . squeeze. Then he heads out. Laura is left alone.) . (And we transition to…) . #21 - SATURDAY NIGHT GIRL . THE SKIDS . Wif my Sat’ aday Noight Girl . she’ll always treat me roight! . wif my Sat’ aday Noight Girl . ev’ry noight will be -- Sat’ a day noight! . SKIDS . Oi! Oi! Oi! . Sat’ a day noight! . Oi! Oi! Oi! . Sat’ a day noight! . Sat’ a day n--oi--ght! . . 94 . Scene 7 . (Championship Vinyl. It’s after-hours. . Music blares. Party lights. Rob is spinning . records and totally in his element. Everyone . is here and having a great time. As the . music dies down, Rob grabs mic.) . ROB . Thank you! That was that was some old-school punk with the . Skids’ “Saturday Night Girl.” . (The crowd whoops it up.) . I just wanted to thank everybody for coming out to the first night . of Championship After-Dark. As pathetic as the turnout is, it’s . still twice as many people as we’ve ever had in this place at one . time. We’re gonna try to continue this tradition every Saturday . night, so if you have any friends, please tell them. . Also a big shout-out to my friend Liz for printing up the invitations. . (holds up postcards) . And to Dick, for providing the lemonade. . DICK . (tipsy) . It’s spiked! . ROB . And so are you. . DICK . Woohoo! . ROB . And now for the bad news. I have to introduce Barry’s band. . BARRY . Up yours, Rob! . ROB . Ladies and gentlemen, fresh from their horribly botched audition at . the Banh Mi Saigon, where they are now banned for life, against . my better judgment. I give you…Sonic Death Monkey. . LIZ . Yeah! . (Scattered claps. Barry, in a black robe takes the . stage ominously. His band includes the Guy with . the Mohawk and TMPMITW, also in robes.) . . 95 . BARRY . A tone poem: . ROB . Oh God, no. . #22 - TURN THE WORLD OFF (AND TURN YOU ON) . BARRY . Where’s the ‘Off’’ switch, Mother? . ‘Off’ - as in the absence of ‘On’ . ‘Off’ - as in the absence of sound, absence of light, absence of . pain, nay, absence of YOU! . someone’s gone off with the Off . and until death . there is. no. off. . shall ye go then to the wolves of night, my love. . and give them thine tender flesh? . louder, faster, funnier, deadlier, more, more, . choices upon choices, . like bodies upon bodies, litter the landscape of our lives . baying insanities, inanities, . their steely jaws blistering howls of profanities . and I-just-want-to-I-just-want-to.....turn the world OFF! . (The robes are ripped off. Underneath are . hipster suits. Barry launches into a smooth . soulful song) . BARRY MOHAWK GUY & TMPMITW . And turn you . o-o-o-on baby o-o-o-on baby . I just wanna . turn the world off - turn the world off - . and turn you . on! yeah, yeah, yeah! on! yeah, yeah, yeah! . (Much to Rob’s disbelief, Barry is now singing . like Marvin Gaye, Al Green, and Barry White . all rolled into one. Everyone cheers.) . BARRY . unplug the phone and all that we own - . come lie here next to me - oh yeah - . try a different brand of happiness - than they're selling on TV . uh huh-uh . . 96 . BARRY . you won't even need the clothes that you're in . for the vacation we're about to begin . ah honey let's go tra-ve-lin' -- and visit every inch of your skin . ‘cause baby baby baby . I just wanna . BARRY & MOHAWK GUY & TMPMITW . Turn the world off. . BARRY . …and turn you . BARRY MOHAWK GUY & TMPMITW . o-o-o-o-on on . baby! I wanna turn you on, turn you on . Give you all the love you’re worthy of. Give you all the love you’re worthy of. . In a lovin’ marathon In a lovin’ marathon . oh...oh... lovin’ marathon! . so let's stay home sugar . and let our friends talk about us and let our friends talk about us . and just for one night . let the world turn without us! let the world turn without us! . Let’s turn the world off, baby! . …I wanna turn you on. …I wanna turn you on. . BARRY . Ladies and gentlemen - On my right, suffering from a chronic case . of bad-hair-day, I give you Klepto-Boy. . And to my left, he’s 38 and just moved out of his parents’ . basement - giving up his crown as The Most Pathetic Man in the . World - I give you, Donald Kleinman…of Harmonic Disturbance. . (Applause. Rob turns to the audience.) . ROB . I’ve started to make a tape in my head for Laura. Full of stuff . she’d like. Full of stuff that’d make her happy. For the first time, I . can sorta see how that’s done. And of course she’s not around to . reap the benefits. Which, I guess, is exactly what I deserve. . (Laura, appears beside him.) . LAURA . Hey. . . 97 . ROB . Oh, shit, hi. Hey. Wow, you’re-- What are you doing here? . LAURA . (holds up postcard) . Rob, you sent me like twenty of these things. . ROB . Still, I didn’t think you’d show. . LAURA . You look good. You look— . ROB . (cutting her off) . Don’t say it. . LAURA . Well you do, you look happy. . ROB . Well yeah, now I do, but you should’ve seen me ten minutes ago, . “She’s not gonna show, Liz. She hates me and she’s not gonna show.” . LAURA . Liz knew I was coming, I told her yesterday. . ROB . Huh, she neglected to mention that. . LAURA . She’s evil. . ROB . Yes, apparently she is. . LAURA . (takes in the event, impressed) . So you arranged all this yourself then. I’m impressed. . ROB . I’m trying, Laura. . LAURA . It’s nice to see. . (re: the performance) . And Barry, huh? . ROB . Yeah. . . 98 . LAURA . You weakened. . ROB . So did you. I hope. . (awkward beat) . You have weakened, haven’t you? A little bit maybe? I mean, . you’re here, so…Or maybe you were just in the neighborhood and . in need of some Art Garfunkel. Which we don’t have by the way. . But I can get it, if that’s what you want. Whatever you want, . Laura, I swear. Even if it’s Art Garfunkel. . LAURA . Rob? . ROB . Yeah? I’m gonna shut up now. . LAURA . (sings) . I made this list of all your faults . it was quite detailed and lengthy too . and when I read it through…I missed you. . you’re like a classic Eagles song . you just can’t help but sing along . even though it sometimes gets annoying too. . ROB . Thank you? . LAURA . I just know I want to be . wherever I can wake and see . you there next to me… . ROB . oh Laura, Laura— . LAURA . that is-- if you’re free? . ROB . I’m pretty sure I’m free… . LAURA ALL . I want to come home ooh ooh ooh . ROB . oh Laura come home… ooh ooh ooh . . 99 . BOTH ALL . be with me… aah aah . BARRY . Baby baby baby! . I’m just wanna… MOHAWK & TMPMITW . turn the world off turn the world off ENSEMBLE . turn it off, turn it off . oh and turn you hoo . (Rob and Laura kiss passionately) . o-o-o-o-o-on o-o-o-o-o-on . turn you on . I’m gonna turn you on I’m gonna turn you on . turn you on turn you on . Gonna take control . and rock your soul rock your soul . and send you smiling . towards the dawn dawn . smilin’ towards the dawn smilin’ towards the dawn . cause there’s nothing I . could buy and Woo hoo . no high could measure . no high could measure . with hearing you sigh sigh . and shudder with pleasure hoo woo . shudder with pleasure . I just wanna turn the world off! . ENSEMBLE . turn the world off . BARRY & LIZ . I just wanna turn the world off! . ENSEMBLE . turn the world off . BARRY & MOHAWK GUY & TMPMITW . I just wanna turn the world off! . ENSEMBLE . turn the world off . BARRY . And turn you… . sweet, sweet lady… . I wanna turn you . . 100 . ALL . ON! . ROB . That was Sonic Death Monkey! Good night! . BARRY . And Shalom! . (The crowd goes nuts as the lights go out.) . ALL . I’m gonna turn the world off and turn you on! . ROB . You turn me on! . ALL . I’m gonna turn the world off and turn you on! . LAURA . Baby you just keep on turnin’ me on . COUPLES . I’m gonna ENSEMBLE . turn the world off turn it off and turn you on . I’m gonna ENSEMBLE . turn the world off turn it off and turn you on . I’m gonna . turn the world off turn it off and turn you on . ALL COUPLES . I’m gonna . FULL COMPANY . turn the world off! . ROB . And turn you . LAURA . And turn you . FULL COMPANY . ON! . END OF PLAY . . . . . . . . . .