When Families Live Together

When Families Live Together: A Survival Guide
Are your kids and grandkids moving in with you? Believe it or not,
it's a good thing.
By Georgia Witkin
The myth: Because of the economic downturn, grandparents across the country are moving in with
their adult children. I hear this over lunch, I hear it on TV, I hear it on the radio. And while it may
sound logical, it’s not accurate.
The truth: Because of the economic downturn, adult children across the country are moving in with
their parents — 62 percent of the more than 6 million multigenerational households in the United
States were created by grown children moving in with their parents; in 50 percent of those cases,
financial trouble was the main factor in the decision.
But don't we grandparents have even bigger money problems? Some of us do, of course, but many
of us don’t. We grandparents still control more than three quarters of the nation’s wealth. We took
less of a hit when the stock market tanked because our investments tended to be less risky, and
we're less likely to have an upside-down mortgage or, for that matter, any mortgage at all. No
wonder our grown children are moving back. According to our recent national study, The
Grandparent Economy, grandparents are spending about $32 billion on their grandchildren’s
education, $11 billion on clothes for the kids, $6 billion on toys, and nearly $700 million on diapers.
Built for family life
And while many observers assume that economy-driven multigenerational living is an emotionally
traumatic hardship, that's another myth. The truth? Many grandparents tell us not only that they
love having their family back under their roof; they also love being needed again. They say it brings
purpose to their days, and meaning to their lives. The physical demand of keeping up with the kids
makes them feel younger; outdoor play burns off both calories and tension; and helping with
homework provides excellent mental stimulation.
There’s a lesson here. We humans are built for family life. In a crisis, or after a disaster, it’s always
family that gets us through. Children must be fed, dressed, and taken to school, so we rally and we
do it with a smile. In fact, studies have found that the more we act like everything is okay, the more
we actually believe that everything is going to be okay. Family living forces us to have regular, face-
to-face contact, which reduces isolation and wards off depression. The predictable routines of family
life reduce stress; the act of nurturing, researchers have found, triggers innate biochemical stress-
antidotes.
Grandparents make life better
Multigenerational living can have clear benefits for kids as well. They get to experience a "chain of
love," learning that more than one adult can care for them, and seeing that if anything should
happen to their parents, their grandparents will be there for them. Grandparents can help children
get through illness and survive their parents' divorce. They can help when working couples can't get
home for dinner or bedtime, and when single parents are overwhelmed. They can give kids the
undivided attention that parents and siblings sometimes can't because of all the demands on their
time.
Even if a family doesn't have three generations under the same roof, the presence of grandparents
in the lives of children can be critical. One of several similar studies of teen life found that
adolescents who have daily contact with at least one grandparent are less likely to use recreational
drugs. Why? Most likely because grandparents provide lots of conversation, encouragement, and
problem-solving advice, and help kids stay focused on their future.
How to meld the generations
Don’t be fooled by stories that paint a picture of multigenerational living that features disgruntled
grandparents, resentful parents, and disengaged kids. Multigenerational living is as old as human
history, and reasserts itself whenever we face difficulties or disasters. We come together. We survive
and thrive. Still, a few tips and tools can help things go more smoothly:
1. Make room. It’s not the amount of space that matters, it’s the respect for independence and
privacy. Make sure all members of the family have a spot they can call their own where they won't be
disturbed.
2. Make nice. Before you criticize or correct a family member, review in your mind all the things you
love and appreciate about the person. Even better, do it out loud. To them! Thinking good things
isn’t enough. Everyone needs positive as well as negative feedback. If you can’t offer both, hold your
complaints until you can.
3. Make rules mutual. To live together, you have to agree about what you'll do when you disagree.
So, make sure you have some rules about conflict resolution along with house rules about food,
chores, and curfews. Some families hold regular meetings, others leave notes, but the bare minimum
should be five minutes of direct, face-to-face contact to catch up each day.
4. Imagine you're making a movie. When things get tough, pretend that your family members are
characters in a film you're writing. It will help you get some psychological distance and enough
emotional breathing room to feel in control again. You may even get a laugh.
5. Treat your family like your friends. It sounds strange, at first, but think about it: You treat your
friends with patience, you listen to what they have to say, you give them advice, and you give them
the benefit of the doubt. Treat your family with as much consideration as you do your friends and
multigenerational living will go much more smoothly.
Living with grandparents
Ask any kid: Grandparents rule. They're known worldwide as great companions and often shower
their grandchildren with special treats and lots of love. Some kids live far away from their
grandparents so they stay in touch by phone, through email, and with letters. Other kids live close to
their grandparents, making it easy to visit often. And still other kids — more than 5 million in the
United States — live with their grandparents.
Sometimes, the family is sharing the grandparents' house and sometimes the grandparent moves
into the family's house or apartment. Maybe your grandmother moved in with your family because
she was having trouble living alone. Or maybe your grandparents take care of you in place of your
mom or dad.
Being a grandparent is a big job, but grandparents have a lot of experience. They raised and cared
for your parent when he or she was a kid! And grandparents have been the heads of households
since the beginning of time. In many cultures — Native American and Chinese, for instance —
grandparents are looked up to as a source of wisdom.
When a Grandparent Moves In
Any change can be difficult to adjust to. So even if you love your grandfather, it may be tough when
he moves in. Your grandfather will need a room to sleep in and everyone will have to learn to share
the bathroom and the TV. Try to be as nice as you can during this time. Your grandparent may have
trouble settling into a house that isn't his or her own.
After the adjustment period, you might find you enjoy having someone else in the house and a new
person to spend time with. Grandparents often tell the best stories, like interesting tales about when
they were kids. You might start by asking how many miles they had to walk to school each day!
Helping Out
If your grandparent needs help, you might be the one to lend a hand. And your grandparent might
be able to help you by playing a game with you or fixing you a snack after school. If your grandparent
needs a lot of help or is ill, your parents will help care for him or her. In some cases, a nurse might
visit your house.
As your household gets bigger, you may feel left out or decide you need more of your parents'
attention. Share your feelings if you feel this way. Maybe your mom or dad can schedule some
special time with you. Your parents will appreciate it if you pitch in around the house and do a few
more chores than usual. This can be really helpful when there's so much to do.
When You Move In With a Grandparent
Quite a few kids live with grandparents who take care of them in place of their moms or dads. These
are often loving relationships, but it can be a challenging situation for both the kid and the
grandparent. Kids who live with grandparents might miss their moms or dads and wish they could
live with them instead. The grandparent may find it difficult to keep up with a kid and all of his or her
needs.
Talk with your grandparent, or another trusted adult, if you have some of these feelings. Often the
solution is that both the kid and the grandparent work together. The grandkid can help by working
hard in school, staying out of trouble, and helping around the house. The grandparent can try to be
understanding about what it's like to be a kid these days. Loving and caring for each other can be the
glue that keeps everything together.
And one more thing: You might want to put the first Sunday after Labor Day on your calendar. Why?
It's Grandparents Day!
Reviewed by: Colleen Sherman, PhD
Date reviewed: June 2010

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When Families Live Together

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When Families Live Together: A Survival Guide

Built for family life

Grandparents make life better

How to meld the generations

When a Grandparent Moves In

When You Move In With a Grandparent

Reviewed by: Colleen Sherman, PhD

Date reviewed: June 2010

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