Star Trek Voyager The Lost Episodes 1
Star Trek Voyager The Lost Episodes 1
Captain Kathryn Janeway did not have her coffee this morning. This,
ordinarily, for a normal person, is cause for alarm.
She went up to the bridge of the ship. “Mr. Tuvok, make a galaxy wide
hail.”
Tuvok looked startled, for a vulcan. “Captain, that is unwise! Who
knows who may be listening!?”
Janeway gave him a death glare until he obliged and opened the
hailing frequencies.
“Hello, this is Captain Kathryn Janeway of the federation starship
Voyager. I’m going to casually blow up 9 borg cubes if someone
doesn’t find me some dang coffee.”
“No, you don’t understand!” responded Major Kira. “If our ratings
drop and the show gets cancelled, there will be absolutely nobody to
write season long story arcs! The dominion can just waltz in and
take over, because if the show is cancelled, so is our plot armour!”
“Write the words ‘DON’T @#$% WITH THE SISKO’ on them, major.” Sisko
continued.
“Yes sir!”
“Captain Picard did not have coffee.” said Janeway. She sipped a cup
that she got from the alien ship’s wreckage. “I still don’t get it.”
said Neelix. “This is a ill-equipped Intrepid class vessel, and
nobody seems capable of blowing it up, despite their ridiculous
technology.”
“Neelix?” Janeway asked.
“Yes, Captain?”
“I want you to take these lampshades and hang them wherever you can.”
“Right away, captain.” Said Neelix, skipping out of the bridge.
Kes walked in. “Hello, I’d like to remind everyone that I exist.”
“Thank you, Kes.” Janeway commented. “Now go do whatever it is you
do.”
Meanwhile...
Halfway across the galaxy, Seska was freaking out. “I’m not dead!”
she screamed. “I am actually not dead! It’s great!” she ran up to a
kazon. “I’m not dead!”
“That conduit! It didn’t kill me! It just knocked me out for 2
years!!”
The kazon, being a kazon responded- “woah. that is cool. i wish i was not dead.”
“ARGH!” screamed Seska. “The series has forgotten that they have
competent villains, and has been fighting the borg for like 40
episodes!!” She looked at the kazon. “Actually, no, we don’t have
competent villains. They have me. Just me. Hmph.”
“oh. wow. are we a villain?” the kazon deadpanned.
Trying to not pull her thin hair off her head, seska growled. “Not a
competent one! Now go get me a phaser! I’m going to build a ship and
face off against captain janeway!”
“what’s a phaser?”
“One of those...shooty-things!!
The kazon started to walk off. He stopped, and turned around.
“what’s a ship?”
“ARRRRRRRRRRRRGH!” screamed Seska.
Meanwhile…
“Hey, Harry!” Tom Paris yelled towards Kim, walking through the
hallway.
“What?” Harry Kim muttered.
“Hi, do you want to-”
“No.” deadpanned Kim, walking away.
Tom ran up to him. “I just haven’t seen you since-”
“Crewman Useless got promoted to ensign, Yeah.” Harry Kim muttered.
He was very, very annoyed.
“Harry, Ensign Useless is a good crewmember. Besides, he has
character, humor, class-”
“Yeah, and I’m getting character development because I dislike him.
THAT’S HOW UNIMPORTANT I AM.” Harry Kim walked down the hallway some
more.
“Oh jeez, harry, calm down!” Paris said in the tom-paris-y-tone of
his. “You have character! You dislike Ensign Useless, and are
hopelessly optimistic!”
“Am I?” Harry asked.
“See! You're Hopelessly Optimistic about your character development!
Now let’s go do Captain Proton! Black and White Film costs less!”
“Alright…” The newly character developed ensign kim responded.
“Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!” Screamed
Paris/Proton, as the screen dramatically faded to black.
Meanwhile.. Sisko was sitting in the USS Defiant. He yelled at
various people while the ship was prepared by the crew.
“MAJOR KIRA!” he shouted. “WE NEED TO REDIRECT THE WORMHOLE TO THE
DELTA QUADRANT!!”
“Captain!” shouted Major Kira. “Borg Ship decloaking off the port
bow!”
“Should we Run?”
“Probably, Sir.”
WE ARE THE BORG. LOWER YOUR SHIELDS AND SURRENDER YOUR SHIPS.
EXISTENCE AS YOU KNOW IT IS OVER.
YOUR BIOLOGICAL AND TECHNOLOGICAL EXISTENCE WILL BE ADDED TO OUR OWN.
RESISTANCE IS FUTILE.
On The Bridge...
“Cmdr, Romulan Warbirds are decloaking off the port bow!” Said Tuvok.
“Romulans?” Asked Chakotay.
The Viewscreen turned online, and Seska appeared.
“Hi, Chakotay… I Guess I didn’t die. Well, that’s good for a series
storyline, isn’t it?” Seska said.
“SESKA!” Chakotay screamed. “Didn’t you die because of a conduit
exploding?” “Yeah, it was really anticlimactic.” Seska muttered.
“So, I built a romulan warbird, out of spare parts, it took like 3
pages, but that was only because of the incompetent kazon, and
activated LUDICROUS speed, and now I’m here, and I’m going to blow
you up.” “LUDICROUS SPEED?” Chakotay asked. “Yeah, I stole it from
some 1980s movie or something.” Seska droned.
“Excuse me, Cmdr.” Tuvok began. “We already have several minor
recurring villains, and it’s only page 6. Perhaps we should save the
seska confrontation for a cliffhanger episode?”
“Oh, yeah, I’m cool with that.” Seska responded.
“OK!” Responded Chakotay. “See you in 25 episodes?”
“Cool!” Said Seska. “Until then, We’ll just periodically cut to
whatever I’m doing to amp up the tension.”
“Sounds good to me.”
And it was just another day in the life of the USS Voyager…
Ensign Kim and Tom Paris were still caught in the grasp of Dr.
Chaotica’s bad hammy writing.
“AAAaaahhh, NOoooooooo000ooowwwwww.. CAP-TAIN PROOOOOTON! I shall
Deeeeeeeeeestroy you!”
“Only Constance Goodheart, My Secretary can save us!!” Said
Paris/Proton. “You mean Seven of Nine?” Harry/Kincaid interrupted.
“Shut up, she’s not here until season 4!” Paris/Proton whispered. “So, which
one of our friends is playing Constance Goodheart?” Harry/Kincaid
asked.
B'Elanna Torres walked in in a stupid skimpy Secretarial Outfit.
“This is demeaning.” She muttered.
“Oh, come on, B’Elanna! We need to end this pathetic storyline!”
“I’d like to end your pathetic storyline.“ B’Elanna muttered.
“AHHH! IT IS COONSTANCE GOOOOOODHEART!” Screamed Chaotica.
“QUICKLY! SAaaaaaTAaaaaaN’S ROoooooooooooBOT, DESTROY HER!”
A tin can with arms and legs walked into the room.
“Destroy her!”
B’Elanna calmly sliced the tin can in two with a Klingon Bat’leth,
which ended the program due to the storyline.
“Lt. B’Elanna Torres, what are you doing away from your post?!?!?”
Screeched a Familiar Voice.
A Strange Talaxian, Dressed all in black, with subdued skin tones
compared to the ones B’Elanna, Tom, and Harry Knew, stepped into
view.
“Ah. Yes, I wouldn’t need to remind you, but I WILL, that if you
attack me, I can use your transporter callsign to activate your pain
beacon. I personally would love to give you a night in the agony
booth, but that is your prerogative.”
Tom Whispered to her. “Did you notice that he had no problem with me
and harry running amuck, B’Elanna? I think whatever is going on, the
crew is suddenly rather prejudiced.”
“You don’t say.” B’Elanna and Harry said at the same time.
“Yes. It’s me, Captain Kes.” Captain Kes responded. “You should know
that by now, Mr. Paris. If you don’t need your brain recalibrated,
get to your station.”
Her eyes gleamed coldly.
Harry and Paris looked at eachother, and didn’t need to say a word to
know they were in deep trouble…
On the bridge,
Ensign Kim was under the tender grace of Captain Kes.
“Ensign Kim, Target that anomaly with phasers.”
“Why?”
“So we can blow it up!”
“Why?”
“So it will die!”
“Why?”
“You’re Killing my mood, ensign Kim!”
“Targeting phasers, captain.”
Senior Staff:
Captain Kes, Who arose to power using the caretaker’s array.
Lt Cmdr Janeway (Demoted from rank of captain, and then first officer,
now chief engineer)
Lt Tom Paris
Maj Culluh (Conscripted)
Crewman Tuvok
“Excuse Me, Ensign Kim?” Captain Kes called. “Did you forget that I’m
a telepath?”
Captain Kes stood in front of him, watching him behind the force
field. She was biting down on her finger, clearly confused by what
was going on with harry.
“Oh, Ensign Kim.” Captain Kes said, with confusion and disdain. “What
has gone wrong with you? You were always my favorite, and look at
this, now. You have something rather confusing. I can usually read
minds like a book, but it seems there is a gap between us that there
wasn’t before. It’s like someone tore out a page. A..Universal Gap,
almost.”
“I can still get small bits. Was that fear, anxiety, right there?
It's so difficult, getting to you. What are you hiding?”
She deactivated the force field, and stepped in the cell. She slapped
him in the face.
“Tell me the truth, or I WILL extract it from you.”
“$%#@!” Screamed Captain Sisko. “Mr. O’Brien! Get those Borg off our
tails!”
“I’m sorry, captain, the tachyon emitters in the warp core are
undergoing transfusion. Phaser fire would cause a warp core breach!”
“Well, $#!@*^ that, Major Kira! LAUNCH THE DON’T MESS WITH THE
$#*@@ing Sisko Torpedoes!” Screamed Sisko.
Seska loved the fact that she was getting intimidating screen time
and build up. The fact that her story was so important to the plot
made her very happy.
She continued to do Laundry.
MEANWHILE…
Captain Kes suddenly sensed more conflicted closed minds among her
crew.
She hit her combadge.
“Captain Kes to Naomi Wildman!”
“Yes?” A chipper voice responded.
“Can you find Lt. Paris, and Ensign Torres, and either capture them
or murder them brutally?”
“Yes, Captain! Goody!” Screeched Young Naomi Wildman, skipping with
joy.
Naomi Wildman Unfurled A Phaser Rifle and a knife out of her school
bag, and skipped down to main engineering.
B’Elanna Torres did her work in engineering. She needed to find a way
out of here, but until then, she needed to blend in.
Ensign Kim was being held at knife point. “Alright.” said Captain
Kes.
“Now, tell me, once more. Who are you, kim? What are you HIDING??!?!”
He was at that moment, saved by the familiar beam of a transporter.
Tom Paris was integrating into the crew rather well. They were
actually nice fellows. Did this make him a bad person? Naah, he
thought. They were cool. They liked him.
He just had to commit genocide once in a while, and strangely, he
found that refreshing. He’d already blown up a few species. It was no
big deal. He was enjoying himself.
Then he felt the beam of a transporter, cursed B’Elanna, and promptly
forgot his negative character development for good.
Harry, Tom (Now Good) and B’Elanna all were back together.
“We need to beam back to the normal voyager!” B’Elanna said.
“Ok, let’s use the ion storm program on the holodeck, and beam into
it.” Harry responded.
“Logical.” Paris affirmed.
“LOGIC.” A shaky voice reverberated. “LOGIC.”
A Green veined, shaky, white eyed Tuvok walked into sickbay.
“LOGIC. You. are not. Logical. Ha ha.”
“Tuvok?” Harry asked cautiously.
“I..shall kill you. Yes. that is logical. Ha hahaha haha hhahhaha
ha.”
“Ion storm program loaded. Activating transporters.” B’Elanna
whispered.
Tuvok took a phaser, and fired. .3 seconds earlier, and they’d have
been dead.
“Hello!” Neelix waddled by. “You look kinda bruised up. One to many
Klingon Holoprograms?”
“Uh, no.”
B’Elanna eyed the doctor’s needles the entire time he patched them
up.
Meanwhile…
Hours later, the last borg drone, covered in gravy, singing ‘Barbie
Girl’, collapsed into a pile of dead minnows and human thumbs.
“They were easy to defeat, after they all went insane.” Worf
muttered.
“We require a challenge!”
“Voyager, being a starship, and not a space station, has to deal with
the consequences of it’s actions much less. Their Plot Armour
Generators and Reset Button make them a formidable opponent.” Sisko
replied.
Moments later, the USS Defiant was abandoned in the middle of space,
as a borg cube, with it’s crew onboard, flew off into the distance.
Episode Four: For The World is Hollow, And I will eat some Pie.
Captain Janeway sat in her chair, drinking coffee made from the
remains of borg ships. It was made out of blood, metal, nanoprobes,
and assorted cereal, but it was still coffee.
“Chakotay!!” Screeched Janeway.
Chakotay walked in. “Yes, Captain?” He said.
“You need character development!!” Janeway hollered.
Chakotay smiled. “Ah, Yes, But I only get that by using inaccurate
native american stereotypes, and the guy who came up with the native
american stuff knew nothing about native americans, so we agreed to
never use that plot thread again.”
Janeway narrowed her eyes, and fished a human thumb out of her
coffee.
“Can’t you have a running joke or something? Something that gives you
more character??”
Chakotay paused and then began.
“Acoosheemoya. We are far from the land of our ancestors-”
“OK, OK, I GET IT!” Janeway screeched.
Chakotay paused.
“So, what am I supposed to do then??”
Janeway disdainfully placed her head in her palms.
“What is your personality, Chakotay?”
“Native American.” Chakotay responded. “What’s yours?”
“Multiple-personality-disorder.” Janeway muttered. “Dismissed.”
Chakotay walked out onto the bridge.
“Ah, Hello.” The Doctor said, in a tone so dry it could cause a
draught. “I’ve been at the scanning stations. I’ve found a new planet
that has a large lake of trioxylene. I want to collect samples, could
you organize a shuttle-craft?”
“Voyager has an infinite number of shuttle crafts.” Chakotay
responded. “Take whichever one you like.”
“And may I organize a team to take with me?” The Doctor Queried.
“You’re allowed to take Neelix and Naomi Wildman.” Chakotay
responded.
“Neither of them are Doctors!” The Doctor Objected.
“Yes, I’ve just assigned them command duty. They’re redshirts now.”
“Ah, I see.” The Doctor Responded. “You sure you couldn’t give Kim
and Paris Redshirts too?”
“Doctor! Paris wears red already!” Chakotay muttered.
“Mauveshirts then.”
“Done.”
“Hi! I’m Squirrel Girl! What’s Your Name?” Squirrel Girl Smiled
Sweetly.
“But I loved using the omega directive!! It was so fun, not having to
worry about alien cultures for an episode!!!” Janeway screeched.
“Can’t we just use that?”
Seska sipped her tea. She had finally perfected the slipstream drive,
combined it with the mycelial network, and had taken her ship
instantly to Risa. Here she could relax. She could still warp back to
Voyager and Blow them up in no time. She sighed. Being a genius
cardassian was like having the world in her hand. “Waiter!” she
yelled. “Get me another pina colada!”
The Tension was so real. She hoped that the audience would cut to see
her diabolical plan in motion. Then she realized they had been
watching the whole time. “HEY!” Seska Screeched. “This has to be plot
related! You’ve spent a whole paragraph on it! Something important is
going to happen.”
At that moment, A meteor hit the nearby ground and knocked her out of
her chair. At least she thought it was a meteor, until she realized
that it was Tom Paris’s Body Thrown All The Way from the Delta
Quadrant to Risa.
She paused, and tapped it to be sure.
“Wow! Did they seriously pull a Tasha Yar?”
Paris groaned, about to get up.
“I guess not.” Seska said, whipping out her phaser and shooting Paris
repeatedly. His body vaporized.
“I just got an idea.” She said out loud.
“WHAT'S AN IDEA??” asked The Nearby Kazon, before she shot it in the face.
She sat down, and continued to sip her tea.
The Doctor, having returned to Voyager mentioned a plan to Captain
Janeway. “It appears that Squirrel Girl’s Maximum Velocity will allow
her to reach us, with us at maximum warp, instantly.
“How?” Janeway said, stunned.
“Squirrels are the peak of biological evolution, captain. Even during
the eugenics wars it was considered “Unfair” to combine yourself with
squirrel DNA.”
“Yes, but that doesn’t explain how the-”
“You’re being extraordinary rational, captain.” The Doctor
Interrupted. “Is Something Wrong?”
“No, Doctor.” Janeway grunted. “What is your plan?”
“Remember the ‘Threshold’ Episode?”
“OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOH GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOODD NOOOOOOOOOOO” Said
Janeway.
“Yes, well, squirrel girl cant catch up to us if we go to warp 10!”
“But we’ll be lizards!”
“I made up a cure for the evolution at the end of the episode.”
“Oh, yeah.” Janeway sat down. “I blocked the garbage episode from my
memory.”
“So we can go to warp 10, and I’ll just turn you all back normal when
we arrive.”
Neelix ran past them screeching “WHAT COULD POSSIBLY GO WRONG?!??!
Surprisingly, Nothing Did, And They Escaped The Land Of Squirrel
Girl.
The USS Uranus (Formerly Borg Cube) was flying across the delta
quadrant. Sisko hollered. “I have had enough of the motha#&$^ing
Drones on this motha@&##^ing cube!!!”
Kira buried her head in her hands, hating the fact that she was the
sole voice of reason. “Odo!” She yelled. “Where’s Voyager? We need to
blow it up quickly, because we left flipping GARAK in charge of DS9!
Everybody with Plot Armour has already left the station!”
Odo snorted.
“Oh.” Odo commented, getting up from his chair. “So, how long till a
dominion assault force comes, again?”
Quark walked in. “COME TO QUARKS QUARKS IS FUN COME TO QUARKS DON’T
WALK-”
Kira smiled, Worf Agreed Begrudgingly, And They Beamed Archer Aboard.
Hysteria, Barbaria
An Interstellar Area
Bulgaria, Malaria
WHY AM I DOING THIS?!?!
WHAT IS MY FLIPPING LIFE?!?!??!?!!?!?
BAM!
♪
Reckless Janeway
Emotionless Janeway
Motherly Janeway
Emotional Janeway
Murderous Janeway
AHAB Janeway
Half of the crew were freaking out because they had no clue what a
gormagander was.
The other half were looking up more moby dick quotes for janeway to
use.
In Main Engineering,
B’Elanna Torres was having a bad day. Kes had decided to help with
engineering, and as Kes was a senior officer, B’Elanna could not
decline her assistance. Of course, Kes was far more suited to a
medical environment, and kept injecting trioxylene into the gel
packs. This caused several problems, least of which was spontaneous
combustion.
Two People in Andorian Face Masks Beamed in and Caused havoc exactly
when torres was dealing with the explosions caused by Kes.
They whipped out phasers and blasted the inhabitants of main
engineering, before being stunned by a force field. Captain Janeway’s
face appeared on a digital screen. “You have invaded this here ship,
on violation of the sailship protection act of 1793 or something.
Avast thee, off the plank.”
“You know, I’d really love to.” said one of them, evidently a woman.
She Removed Her helmet. “But You see, I have a fear of planks, and
heights, and death and generally everything, so you see, ha ha,
that’d be a bad idea.” Cadet Sylvia Tilly glared up at the captain,
but realizing this was unthreatening, just smiled awkwardly and
waved.
“Uh yeah, but you see, you guys time travelled us or something. It’s
like really, really, head-hurty.” She giggled.
The other man removed his helmet. “Do not socialize with the enemy,
cadet.” Captain Gabriel Lorca glared at Janeway. “We have received
evidence that you killed Admiral Teresa. “
“Granted that you killed her mother and she in fact does not exist
because of that, It is quite logical that you are not aware of her.”
Cadet Tilly slapped a crystal on her wrist and the ship blew
up. Something You were Probably Expecting Began To Happen...
Reckless Janeway
Emotionless Janeway
..Deja Vu Janeway…
Down in Engineering,
B’Elanna Torres was having a great day. Kes had come in, and had
repaired so much stuff in engineering. It’s like she had months to
practice, she was a natural.
She seemed constantly distraught, and able to predict things somehow.
B’Elanna Blamed it on her telepathic abilities.
“B’Elanna, would you believe me, if I told you that someone is going
to die in 5 minutes?” Kes asked casually. “I Believe I’m outside the
time stream.”
“What?!?” B’Elanna asked. “Since when have we been on a first name
basis?” “50 years.” Kes said. “So much time, we’ve been stuck in this
timeline loop. Tilly and Lorca-”
“Who?” B’Elanna asked, very confused. “I think-”
“-You need to go to sickbay, Kes, you're scaring me with your
predictions.” Kes finished her sentence. “You are thinking right now,
that this is impossible, but you have to believe me. We are in a Time
Loop, and I am the only one who knows. Tuvok is being manipulated by
an anti-telepathic field, he does not believe me.”
“You’ve lost it.” B’Elanna waved her hydrospanner. Kes responded
kindly, “It has been so much time, but Lorca and Tilly are both
unused to this technology. They think Voyager has a secret. I Believe
they are looking for our plot armour generator.” A Console Exploded,
of it’s own accord. “Captain Janeway, this is Gabriel Lorca. I am
commandeering your vessel. Do not resist. I just heard your little
nurse and half-breed talking, about a Plot Armour Generator. I’ve
made a few advances in your technology. Did you think that I’d spend
50 years in a time loop learning about this ship? I was working on my
own stuff too. Such as a modified Version of A Jem'Hadar Body Cloak.
You can’t see me. Also, Mind you, I studied your Doctor’s mobile
emitter as well. I have built ten of them. Some of your buddies are
going to be running about in hologram form, intent on killing you.
So, I have holograms of the most deadly men ever to live, capable of
surviving phaser blasts, which are invisible, inside body cloaks.
I shall, to be sporting, inform you their names.
Khan Noonien Singh.
Shinzon Of Remus.
The Borg Queen.
Oh, wait, this makes it too easy for you, why should I bother?
So, those guys, and 7 more people you don’t know about!
Also, I’ve mobilized several Delta Quadrant Viruses. Your Plot Armour
is the only thing saving you from these thing vaporizing your flesh.
I intend to turn it off. There you go, then.”
TO BE CONTINUED...