LIBRETTO

(DRAFT 2/9/09)

"A CATERED AFFAIR"

Book by Harvey Fierstein
Music and Lyrics by John Bucchino

Based on the Turner Entertainment motion picture distributed by Warner

Brothers
and written by Gore Vidal, and the original teleplay by Paddy
Chayefsky

NOT FOR SALE

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QP
THEA TRICALS

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 1

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 2

A CATERED AFFAIR

CAST:
AGGIE - mother of the bride
TOM - father of the bride
JANEY - the bride
RALPH - the groom
WINSTON - uncle of the bride
MR. HALLORAN - groom's father, doubles as SAM the
cab driver
PASHA - neighbor, doubles as MRS. HALLORAN - groom's
mother
MYRA - neighbor, doubles as WEDDING DRESS SALESWOMAN
DOLORES - neighbor, doubles as THE CATERER
ALICE - Janey's best friend, doubles as ARMY
Sergeant

NEW YORK'S SOOTH BRONX, Tuesday morning following

Memorial Day weekend and onward, 1953.
 3

MUSICAL NUMBERS (in Bold)

SCENE 1 - Tenement Courtyard -

SCENE 2 - Front stoop/Janey's Bedroom -
"PARTNERS" - Tom & Sam, Ralph & Janey
'SCENE 3 - Apartment -
"RALPH AND :ME Janey'I -

SCENE 4 - Janey's Bedroom/Aggie's Bedroom

"MARRIED IIAggie -

SCENE 5 - Tenement courtyard

"WO:MEN CHATTER Myra, Pasha & Dolores
II
-

SCENE 6 - Apartment -
"NO FUSS II
Aggie -

SCENE 7 - Apartment - dinner party

"YOUR CHILDREN'S HAPPINESS Mr & Mrs Halloran II -

"IMMEDIATE FAMILY" - Winston

"OUR ONLY DAUGHTER Aggie II
-

SCENE 8 - Bridal shop interior

"ONE WHITE DRESS Janey & Aggie II
-

SCENE 9 - Catering Hall

"VISIONII
Aggie
-

SCENE 10 - Coffee Shop

SCENE 11 - Fire escape
"DON'T EVER STOP SAYING 'I LOVE YOU' 'I - Janey &
Ralph
SCENE 12 - Apartment
"I STAYED" - Tom
"MARRIED (REPRISE)" - Aggie
SCENE 13 - Apartment
"CONEY ISLAND Winston
II -

SCENE 14 - Front stoop

"DON'T EVER STOP SAYING 'I LOVE YOU' (REPRISE}"-
Ralph, Janey & Tom
"CONEY ISLAND (REPRISE)" - Winston & Company
 4

A cityscape of Bronx
apartment buildings looms against an
early morning sky.

The houselights dim.

MUSIC:

WINSTON, dressed in a hat and

coat, enters the semi darkened
stage carrying a suitcase. HE assesses
the setting.

WINSTON
(to the audience)
I stopped in to see a friend. The place was pitch
black. I says to him, ~Why don't you put on a light?"
He shrugs, ~'Cause I was brought up in the dark."

WINSTON carefully places the suitcase

on the stage floor. As he does, it
cues ...

A MUSICAL CHORD.

The stage is transformed to a

Bronx neighborhood 1953.
THREE WOMEN appear in their respective
apartment windows.

WINSTON watches from

below.

MYRA
Morning, Dolores.

PASHA
Would you look at this laundry? Out all night
and still soaking wet.

MYRA
'Morning, Pasha.

DOLORES
Anyone seen that alley cat of mine? What a
tramp. He eats my food but the pleasure he
gives someone else.
 •

PASHA
Is that you down there Winston? You're out
awful early.

MYRA
Or have we caught an alley cat just
sneaking back in?

WINSTON
And top o'the'mornin' to you, too.

DOLORES
Did your sister get home yet? I want to tell
her I seen her on the TV last night.

MYRA
We seen her too.

PASHA
Us too.

MYRA
You don't have no TV.

PASHA
Then it's a good thing I have friends who
do.

DOLORES
Well, I couldn't believe my eyes. I was sitting
on my couch, minding my own business, and
suddenly there's your sister and brother-in-law
in my living room, only they was really on the
TV. Can you imagine?

MYRA
That was some beautiful shot of them right up
front.

PASHA
Imagine, someone in our very building invited
to the Memorial Day Services in Washington DC.
That's quite an honor.

MYRA
Did they get to sleep overnight in the capitol?
I always wanted to sleep overnight in the
capitol. Wouldn't that be fun?
~,
I
ii

6
DOLORES
I think it's terrible, your poor nephew, losing
his young life so far from home.

PASHA
Not just him. All them young people.

DOLORES
It's a goddamn shame that someone has to die to
get a service like that.

PASHA
And your poor niece must be so sad losing her
big brother.

DOLORES
Can't say I seen any tears when that boy brung
her home last night.

MYRA
Now, Dolores, don't start. With her folks out
of town, and her uncle out all night, it's nice
Janey didn't have to come home to a big empty
apartment.

PASHA
Who was the boy? That fella with the glasses,
right? I seen him hanging around her a lot.

WINSTON
That is her boyfriend Ralph.

MUSIC cue:

With a slight tip of his hat, WINSTON

ushers on...
JANEY & RALPH asleep in her bed.

WINSTON (CONT'D)
And he's a very respectful young man.

DOLORES
A real gentleman. Walked her right up to the door.

IvlYRA
And then got her safely upstairs.

DOLORES
 7

Where he put her straight to bed.

MYRA
Dolores!

PASHA
And what's it to you two?

DOLORES
Live and let live, I say. But her mother may
not share the same modern persuasion.

MYRA
We'll know for sure in a minute as I never seen
the boyfriend leave, but I do see the mother
pulling up in a cab.

WOMEN
0000000 . . .

MUSIC cue:

WINSTON, almost amused with the

situation, calls out ...
WINSTON
Janey. Hurry. If your folks catch Ralph I'm
good as dead.

JANEY
All right. We're up!
Two nude figures bolt upright in
bed: JANEY and RALPH. They are
young, attractive and real.

RALPH sprints to pull his clothes

on.

WINSTON watches the scene from

downstage.

RALPH
Did we oversleep? I told you to set the alarm.

JANEY
Breathe, Ralph. You'll give yourself a coronary.

RALPH
Where's my other sock?
 8

JANEY
They must have caught the first flight back.

RALPH
I can't find my other sock.

JANEY
A lifetime of paying taxes, here's their one
shot to get something back, but my folks have
to rush home to this!

RALPH
Janey, my sock .. ?

JANEY
They make me crazy.

RALPH
I have two shoes. I have two feet. Ergo there
must be two socks.

JANEY
We've got to get out of here.

RALPH
You've got that right.

JANEY
Ralph, let's get married.

RALPH
Let your father catch me sockless and we'll
have to.

JANEY
I mean it. Let's get married. Right now. Right
away. What's stopping us?

RALPH
You. Every time I ask you say we should wait
for the right time.

JANEY
Maybe this is the right time.

RALPH
But we agreed that next year, when I get
tenure, we could afford a really cool place ...
 9

JANEY
What isn't cooler than living at home? The only
thing worse than spending the first part of my
life in the shadow of my perfect brother would
be spending another day in the shadow of my
perfect dead brother.

RALPH
Cut it out. Your folks are crazy about you.

JANEY
I don't want to wake up next to them.

RALPH
Marriage isn't an escape.

JANEY
No. Divorce is. But first things first.

FRONT STOOP OF THE BUILDING

TOM enters from upstage. HE and

WINSTON pass each other unseen.

SAM enters from the wings.

SAM
Tom, you got a minute?

TOM
(calling to an unseen person already
in the house ... )
Go on, Aggie. I'll be right in.
(back to SAM)
Thanks for bringing the cab out to get us.

SAM
Sure.
(he tosses the car key to TOM)
I drove your shift last night. I wasn't
planning on working a double. So how you doing?

TOM seats himself on the suitcase.

TOM
It's been three months, but it's still hard to
get my brain wrapped around.
 10
SAM
Sure. Tough stuff. But here's something might
cheer you up. I didn't want to say nothing in
front of the missus. Your business is your
business. Pasternak's selling his share of the
cab. She's all ours.

TOM
The cab? All ours?

SAM
That's what I'm saying.

TOM is silent.

SAM (CONT'D)
What's the matter?

TOM
It's just ... The three of us have owned that
hack together ...

SAM
twenty-six years.

TOM
Pasternak's retiring?

SAM
He's tired.

TOM
Who ain't?

SAM
So what's with the long puss?

BACK TO:
JANEY'S BEDROOM

JANEY
You don't want to marry me?

RALPH
Of course I do. You know I do. This is just a
little out of nowhere.

JANEY
 11

Actually I've been thinking about it for a

couple of days.

RALPH
Days? Glad to know you're not rushing into
anything.

JANEY
Would you listen? You know that my friend Kelly
is getting married and moving to California to
live with her folks, right?

RALPH
Since she's four months pregnant, it's none too
soon.

JANEY
Exactly why they're flying. Problem is there's
only so much they can take on the plane. And
then they've got their car to consider.

RALPH
So?

JANEY
So they gotta hire someone they can trust to
drive their car and stuff to California.

RALPH
You mean .. ?

JANEY
Who's more trustworthy than us? It's perfect.
First stop City Hall for a ten dollar wedding
and then we're off on a California honeymoon.
All expenses paid! Kid, you are marrying a
genius.

BACK TO:
THE FRONT STOOP AGAIN

(WE WILL NOW SWITCH BACK AND FORTH

BETWEEN THE CONVERSATION IN THE
BEDROOM AND THE ONE OUT ON THE STREET.)

MUSIC BEGINS: "PARTNERS"

 SM

12

TOM
Seems awful sudden is all.

SAM
Any less sudden and we'd be retiring along with
him.

TOM
Finally our own hack. Fifty-fifty.

SAM
PARTNERS!

TOM
JUST LIKE THAT!

SAM
SITTIN' IN THE BLEACHERS
NOW WE'RE UP TO BAT

TOM
CAN'T HELP FEELIN' LIKE A HORSE I PICKED CAME THROUGH.

BACK TO:

JANEY'S BEDROOM

RALPH
We're getting married. Imagine us ...
PARTNERS!

JANEY
A TEAM FOR LIFE!
RALPH
CAN'T BELIEVE YOU'RE READY TO BECOME MY WIFE.

JANEY & TOM

GUESS YOU WAIT LONG ENOUGH, A DREAM JUST MAY COME TRUE

ALL
AND I FIN'LLY GET TO BE PARTNERS WITH YOU.

JANEY
BUT NO BIG WEDDING, NO BIG FUSS
NOBODY THERE BUT THE CLERK AND US
NO ONE TO SATISFY
NO ONE TO PLEASE
AND NO CATASTROPHES.
EV'RY WEDDING I ATTEND
 13

THERE'S A FIGHT SCENE BEFORE THE END

SOMEBODY'S DRUNK
AND SOMEBODY'S OSE GETS OUT OF JOINT
WHAT'S THE POINT?
THE POINT IS ...

JANEY & SAM

PARTNERSl
QUICK AND NEAT!
SIGN A PIECE OF PAPER
AND THE DEAL'S COMPLETE

RALPH
How romantic.

JANEY
IT'S A MERGER, CUT AND DRY.
I DON'T MEAN TO SOUND HEARTLESS ...

SAM
HE DON'T MEAN TO SOUND HEARTLESS
BUT PASTERNAK SAID THEY SEND YOU DOUGH
WHEN YOUR KID GETS KILLED IN ACTION
SO, HE FIGURES IF HE SELLS HIS SHARE NOW WE CAN BUY 'ER
AND HE CAN RETIRE

WE'LL GET A THIRD MORE MONEY

FOR A THIRD MORE WORK
A THIRD MORE SANITY
WITHOUT THAT JERK
A THIRD MORE PROFIT IF WE EVER CASH 'ER IN
IT'S WIN WIN WIN ...

TOM
You're saying I should use the money the
Government pays for losing my kid? I didn't
even get it yet ...

SAM
Hey, if you can't trust your Uncle Sam ... ?
Meantime, all Pasternak wants is a deposit.

TOM
Still, that's a lot of money. Plus all our
savings ...

SAM
Which you've been saving for what?
r
14

TOM
Can you corne by for the check tomorrow? Give me
time to ease into the subject with the wife.
Aggie's not the kind of woman you spring stuff on.

SAM
Think it's gonna take some explaining?
BACK TO:

RALPH
A lot of explaining. You know my folks.
They are going to want to make a big affair like
they did for both of my sisters.

JANEY
And there's the beauty part: No time. We're
not on our schedule. We're not on their
schedule. We're on Kelly's schedule.

SAM
AND SUDDENLY I SEE A BIG IMPROVEMENT IN OUR OCCUPATION

JANEY
SUDDENLY A SHINY LITTLE RING FOR ME TO GRAB
ALL
ALL WE HAVE TO DO IS TAKE ADVANTAGE OF THE SITUATION

SAM
A WINDFALL BLOWS ...

JANEY
KELLY'S BELLY GROWS ...

RALPH
A QUICKIE WEDDING AND A FREE VACATION ...

TOM
WE'LL BE ...

ALL
PARTNERS!
ALMOST THERE!

RALPH
FEEL LIKE ANY MOMENT I COULD WALK ON AIR

JANEY & RALPH

 15

GUESS IF YOU'RE LUCKY

ONE AND ONE MAKES MORE THAN TWO

SAM & TOIYl

YOU AND ME
PARTNERS!
AIN'T IT GRAND!
WE BET ALL THE CHIPS
ON A WINNING HAND

ALL
AND IT'S EVEN SWEETER
'CAUSE IT'S SO LONG OVERDUE
BUT NOW I FIN'LLY GET TO BE PARTNERS

SAM & TOIYl

WITH YOU ...

JANEY & RALPH

WITH YOU ...
SAM & TOM
WITH YOU ...

JANEY & RALPH

WITH YOU.

The SONG ends and AGGIE enters the

apartment to find WINSTON rushing about
readying things.

WINSTON
Well, look who hurried home. Can't abide being
away from me, can you?

AGGIE
I don't understand how someone can sleep in a
hotel bed. I laid awake the whole night
wondering whose head was on that pillow before
mine.

WINSTON
You always did know how to have a good time.

AGGIE
What have you done wrong?
 16
WINSTON
Nothing.

AGGIE
Why are you out of breath?

WINSTON
Because I'm fat and old.

RALPH tries to sneak out but is

caught by AGGIE's glare.
AGGIE
Good morning, Ralph.

RALPH
Morning, Mrs Hurley. I just came by to walk Janey to work.

AGGIE reaches out and plucks a

sock off the back of his jacket.
AGGIE
And picking up your laundry?

RALPH
Sorry. I must've got dressed In the dark.

JANEY
(From the bedroom)
Is anyone in the bathroom?

AGGIE
I don't know. Ask Ralph.

RALPH
I'd better be gOing.

AGGIE
Don't rush on my account.

RALPH
Mrs Hurley ... Again, I'm sorry for your loss.

AGGIE
That's very sweet, Ralph.
 17

RALPH scoots out. AGGIE addresses

WINSTON.

AGGIE
. Thanks for watching over the girl for me.

WINSTON
(swallowing hard with guilt)
I did all the washing up and made a pot of
coffee fresh. They showed a great big close-up
of you and Tom on TV. Take it easy today.
Nothing needs doing.

HE kisses her and grabs his jacket.

WINSTON
Why don't you toss these sad dead daisies
/
and I'll bring you something fresh from the shop.
Nothing's too good for my little sister. I'll
be back around four.

HE escapes.

WE follow AGGIE as she assesses

the kitchen with the eyes of a
woman who has taken care of this
room most of her life.

TOM comes in.

AGGIE
Is that you, Tom?

TOM
And who else would it be?

AGGIE
What did Sam want?

TOM
(referring to the window)
Aw! I hoped we'd beat the sun. I want to get a
nap before I take my shift.

AGGIE
Sit down. I'll fix your eggs.

SHE pours a cup of coffee for

herself which is snatched by JANEY
swooping into the room.
 18

JANEY
Hi.

AGGIE
You're welcome.

SHE opens the fridge to get her

eggs.

AGGIE
Would you look at that ice. Caked solid.

MUSIC cue:

TOM
No! No new contrivances. Not until I got my
own cab.

AGGIE
Did I ask for anything? Do I ever ask you for
anything?

TOM
I'm just saying ...

AGGIE
I heard you.

JANEY
Ma?

AGGIE
You eating?
During the following, AGGIE cooks
and serves eggs to TOM.

JANEY
Listen, Ma, I don't want you making a fuss. All
right?

AGGIE
If I had energy to make a fuss, you would have
seen one already.

JANEY
RALPH AND ME ARE GETTIN' MARRIED
 19

AGGIE
Well, Jane, that's very nice.

JANEY
IT'S ALL DECIDED
RALPH AND ME, WE GOT THIS FRIEND WHO'S GETTIN' MARRIED
AND THEY'RE MOVIN' TO HER FOLKS IN CALIFORNIA

AGGIE
That's nice.

JANEY
THEY'RE GETTIN' MARRIED RIGHT AWAY
SHE'S ALREADY FOUR MONTHS GONE
THEY CAN'T WAIT ANOTHER DAY

AGGIE
Who?

JANEY
Kelly. From work. You don't know her.
SO THEY'RE FLYING OUT TO CALIFORNIA

AGGIE
This friend.

JANEY
Right.
BUT THEY'VE GOT THIS CAR
AND THEY NEED TO GET IT OUT THERE SOON

AGGIE
And?

JANEY
AND RALPH AND ME FIGURE
WE CAN DRIVE IT OUT FOR THEM
MAKE THE TRIP A HONEYMOON

AGGIE
So?

JANEY
SO WE HAVE TO DO IT QUICK
DRIVE CROSS-COUNTRY, GET A TAN BY A MOTEL SWIMMING POOL
AND FLY BACK HERE IN TIME FOR RALPH TO TEACH SUMMER SCHOOL
I '

20

AGGIE
Tom. Your daughter's getting married.

TOM
Do I look deaf? Janey, that's very nlce.

JANEY
BUT THERE WON'T BE ANY FUSS
I REALLY WANT TO MAKE THAT CLEAR
JUST IMMEDIATE FAMILY AND US
And my friend Alice as my matron of honor
SINCE I WAS HERS LAST YEAR
WE'LL MEET AT CITY HALL, THURSDAY, TEN A.M.
WE'LL GET MARRIED BY THE CLERK
IT WON'T TAKE ANY TIME AT ALL

AGGIE
Not Father Murphy?

JANEY
There's no time for a church wedding, Ma.
WE GOTTA GET THE CAR OUT TO THEM
AND I'M ONLY TAKIN' THREE WEEKS OFF FROM WORK
But we'll go talk to Father Murphy. I promise.
We'll have to invite his folks for dinner.

AGGIE
Father Murphy's?

JANEY
Ralph's. Mr and Mrs Halloran.

TOM
Can I get the salt.

JANEY
I know it's kind of short notice but how about
tonight?

AGGIE
Well, I was going to the fish market anyway.

JANEY
Tonight all right with you, Pa?
 21

TOM
Fine, Janey.

JANEY
I'll tell Ralph to bring his folks by around
seven. Nothing fancy.
A SIMPLE FAM'LY MEAL - I'LL PICK UP SOME WINE
And I mean it about the wedding ...
WE DON'T WANT A BIG ORDEAL
THE CIVIL CEREMONY WILL DO FINE
THEN RALPH AND ME,
THE HANDSOME GROOM AND THE BLUSHING BRIDE
WILL BE OFF ON OUR LITTLE CROSS-COUNTRY RIDE.

TOM
That's the best way, Jane. All the fuss and
feathers going on with these things. Your Uncle
John says it cost him eighteen thousand dollars
, to marry his Caroline off.

AGGIE
If it's a small wedding you want, that's what
you'll have.

TOM
Eighteen thousand on a party. It's enough to
chill your blood.

AGGIE
Anyways, your Pa and me thought we'd give you a
check. A check for a thousand dollars.

TOM
A thousand?

AGGIE
For God's sake, Tom. Your one and only daughter
is getting married. It would cost you ten times
that if she wanted a dinner.

TOM
Well ... I didn't say no. We always said how we
would give her a check. We just never specified
no figure.

JANEY
We don't want any checks. We just want you to
come to the ceremony. The whole thing shouldn't
take more than ten minutes.
 22

AGGIE
You'll have to invite your Uncle Win.

JANEY
(snapping)
Ma, if we ask Uncle Win ...
(pulling herself back)
I'd like to ask Uncle Win, but then all the
others will be mad and we just want immediate
family ...

AGGIE
But he lives right here in the house with us.
Sleeps right out there on the pull-out. But I
guess you're right. You ask one and you're
stuck with the whole bunch. All right. But
you'd better let me tell him. You know how
touchy he is.

But JANE has gone to her bedroom.

AGGIE stares at TOM.

TOM
What?

AGGIE
Your only daughter tells you the biggest news
of her life and you just sit there.

TOM
When I'm done eating I'll get up and do a
dance.

AGGIE
You could say something to her.

TOM
I said it was very nice.

AGGIE
I heard what you said.

TOM gets up. WE follow him from

the kitchen to ...
JANEY'S BEDROOM
(continuing)

MUSIC cue:
 23

TOM appears in the doorway.

TOM
(struggling to say something)
Jane? .. Uh ... Very sensible not to have a big
wedding.

AGGIE enters the room with fresh

sheets.

TOM
,I Your Ma and me got married at City Hall and
we're no worse for wear.

JANEY
I'll see you tonight, Pa.

HE nods and leaves.

JANEY
Ma, can you get that onion bread Ralph likes?

AGGIE
Sure.
AGGIE pulls back the bedcovers ...

AGGIE
I was going to do the sheets anyway.

SHE begins to change the sheets.

AGGIE
You're sure that's what you want; gettin'
married at City Hall?

JANEY
We're sure.

AGGIE
Because getting a good start ... That's the
trick of it. To make a good start. Jane?
JANEY
Yeah, Ma?

AGGIE
Janey ...

JANEY
 24

What?

AGGIE
IT'S A BIG THING, GETTIN' MARRIED
MUSIC BEGINS: "MARRIED"
YOU GOTTA LOOK BEFORE YOU LEAP
YOU GOTTA PICK SOMEBODY TO KEEP
SO THAT WHEN HIS HAIR IS MOSTLY GONE,
AND YOUR WAIST IS NOT SO SLIM
YOU'LL STILL BE WITH HIM.

JANEY
Ma, I've known Ralph for two years now ...

AGGIE
I'M NOT SAYIN' YOU DON'T KNOW HIM
AND I'M NOT SAYIN' HE DON'T CARE
BUT STILL, YOU GOTTA PREPARE
'CAUSE WHETHER OR NOT THERE'S PRESENTS AND RICE
AND ALL THAT STUFF
SOON ENOUGH THERE'S SACRIFICE.

SO IT'S NOT ALL ROSES

AND IT'S NOT ABOUT DREAMS COME TRUE
NO MATTER WHAT I WISH FOR YOU
IT'S MORE ABOUT THINGS YOU HAVE TO DO.
And you can't go throwing money around. I hope
you got more than your Pa and me, but even if
you do you can't go throwing it around.
Especially when the children come.

JANEY
Ma, I'm not even married and you've got me
having children.

AGGIE
Go ask that friend In California.
YOU'LL HAVE KIDS BEFORE YOU KNOW IT
THEN YOUR LIFE WON'T BE YOUR OWN
EVEN AFTER THEY'RE GROWN
ALL THE THINGS YOU DO WITHOUT
ALL THE NIGHTS YOU LIE AWAKE
FOR YOUR CHILDREN'S SAKE

SO DON'T GO THINKIN' THAT IT'S ALL JUST ONE GOOD TIME

OH, THERE'S SOME GOOD TIMES
BUT DON'T GO THINKIN' THAT IT WON'T BE AN UPHILL CLIMB
WHERE YOU FIND YOURSELF
 25

WOND'RIN' HOW IT EVER GOT TO BE THIS WAY

WOND'RIN' HOW YOU'RE GONNA LAST ANOTHER DAY
WAIT - THAT ISN'T REALLY WHAT I MEA~T TO SAY ...

NO, IT'S A GOOD THING, GETTIN' MARRIED

IT'S THE THING THAT PEOPLE DO
NOW YOU FOUND THE FELLA FOR YOU
SO YOU'LL EACH WEAR A GROOVE IN YOUR SIDE OF THE BED
EACH LEARN TO IGNORE THINGS THE OTHER ONE SAID
AND YOU'LL SMILE WHEN YOU THINK ABOUT
THE DAY YOU WERE WED ...

AGGIE seems to have run out of

steam.

JANEY
Is that all?

AGGIE
I guess.

JANEY
You're not going to tell me about the birds and
the bees?

AGGIE
Don't be fresh. And don't go thinking that's
the whole thing. 'Cause it's not. It's
important. It's just after a while it's not
that important.

JANEY
You won't forget to talk to Uncle Win, will
you?

AGGIE
Janey ...
IT'S A BIG THING, GETTIN' MARRIED.

JANEY
I'll get home as early as I can to help with dinner.

JANE is out the door as the MUSIC

continues ...

The bed turns and WE realize that

we're now in AGGIE'S bedroom ...

AGGIE & TOM'S ROOM

r
26

(continuing)

TOM enters.

AGGIE
How about that?
OUR DAUGHTER GETTIN' MARRIED
I ALWAYS THOUGHT THE BOY WOULD BE FIRST
I THOUGHT MAYBE HE'D MEET A GIRL OVER THERE
BRING HER HOME AND SURPRISE US ALL ..
THEN WE GOT THAT CALL

TOM settles into bed. AGGIE sits

herself down on the foot of the bed.

AGGIE
AT LEAST JANEY WILL BE SETTLED
WITH A FAMILY OF HER OWN

SURE WOULD BE NICE TO GIVE HER A WEDDING

TO START HER OFF RIGHT
WITH A FANCY PARTY THAT LASTS ALL NIGHT
BUT SHE SAYS SHE DOESN'T WANT IT
AND I'M NOT GONNA FIGHT
SHE'S GOT A GOOD HEAD ON HER SHOULDERS ...
AND IF SHE DOESN'T WANT ALL THE FUSS
WELL, I GUESS THEY'LL START OUT LIKE US
I WARNED HER ABOUT WHAT'S DOWN THE PIKE
I SET HER STRAIGHT
TOLD HER WHAT IT WAS LIKE ...

SHE is stopped by the sound of

TOM'S snoring.

AGGIE
.. . TO BE MARRIED.

MUSIC cue:

THE COURTYARD - LATE AFTERNOON

WINSTON, bouquet of flowers in

hand, ushers on the WOMEN IN THE
WINDOWS ...
MYRA
Dolores! Dolores, corne to the window.

DOLORES
What's wrong?
 27

MYRA
Hold on, I gotta catch my breath. I ran all the
way from the fish monger.

PASHA appears in her window.

PASHA
I could hear you hollering from the bedroom. What
did I miss?

DOLORES
What happened at the fish monger?

PASHA
How should I know what happened at the fish
monger? I was in the bedroom.

MYRA
Would you two just listen? You'll never guess
who's getting married and why.

DOLORES
Grace Kelly ... Because she's tired of
Hollywood.

PASHA
You're a panic, you are.

DOLORES
Tell us already.

MYRA
AGGIE'S GIRL, JANEY.

DOLORES & PASHA

TO THE ONE WITH THE GLASSES?

MYRA
THAT'S WHAT I HEARD.

MUSIC BEGINS: "WOMEN'S CHATTER"

PASHA
DO YOU THINK THE FATHER CAUGHT THEM UPSTAIRS?
 28

MYRA
MAYBE, BUT IT MIGHT BE SOMETHING MORE THAN THAT
I'VE BEEN THINKING JANEY LOOKS A LITTLE FAT

PASHA
MAYBE SHE JUST LIKES TO EAT.

MYRA
OR MAYBE WE'LL SOON HEAR THE PATTER OF LITTLE FEET ...

DOLORES
You suppose?

PASHA
That's how rumors get started.

MYRA
It's not a rumor. I heard it at the fish
monger.

AGGIE, appears in her kitchen. SHE is

obviously preparing for her dinner
guests.

PASHA
Quiet both of you.

MYRA
(calling out)
Yoo hoo! Mrs Hurley!!!

MYRA & DOLORES wave anxiously to

her.

MYRA
You're preparing quite the spread there, Mrs.
Hurley. I can smell it all the way up here.
Fish?

AGGIE
Guests for dinner.

MYRA
You got something to celebrate maybe?

AGGIE
Our Janey gettin' married Thursday.
 29

MYRA
So I heard. And they say she's done herself
proud. The father's in real estate. Lives in a
big apartment house with three elevators. You
gotta phone from downstairs to even get in.

PASHA
Congratulations. May they both be very happy.

MYRA
But why are they rushing things like that?

PASHA
What are you writing a book?

AGGIE
It's what the girl wants.

DOLORES
Oh, you don't believe that.

AGGIE
It's what she says.

MYRA
It may be what she says, but it's not what she
means. Did you ever know a girl who didn't want
a fancy wedding and to wear a dress trailing
ten feet behind?

AGGIE
Janey's not the type. Just ten minutes at the
City Clerk and they're off to California.

MYRA
Not even in a church?

AGGIE
There's no time.

DOLORES
Is she in trouble?

AGGIE
Is who in trouble?

DOLORES
 ""!!

30

Your daughter.

AGGIE
(getting frustrated)
Look, they've got these friends who've got this
car which needs to get driven out west and
they're getting paid to take the trip ...

PASHA
Personally I think it's very thoughtful of
Janey not putting you through a whole lot of
expense you can't afford.

AGGIE
We can afford to give her a wedding if she
wanted. We're not exactly on relief. It's just
that they got the use of this car ...

MYRA
You don't have to explain to us. She wouldn't
be the first girl I knew had to get married in
a hurry ...

DOLORES
And leave town.

AGGIE
No. See, they have to hurry because of the
baby ...

MYRA
(to Dolores)
Didn't I say there was a baby?

MUSIC cue:

THE WOMEN explode with chatter as

WINSTON steps into the kitchen ...

AGGIE
Not Janey. Her friend's the one in the family
way.

WINSTON
What's the bellowing in here?

HE sees the frustrated look on his

sister's face.
 31

WINSTON
Who's the mouse the cats are clawing at today?

AGGIE
I've got some wonderful news. Tie your shoe
before you trip and break your neck.

AGGIE is setting the table for

dinner as WINSTON arranges a small
bouquet of flowers.

WINSTON
What's your news?

AGGIE
Janey and Ralph are getting married.

WINSTON
Really?

AGGIE
What kind of reaction is that? The first good
news in I don't know how long and Tom says
"That's nice" and you ~ay "Really" ...

WINSTON
No, it is wonderful news. Really. Just took me
by surprise is all. Is the girl here?

AGGIE
She's at work.

WINSTON
Well, we'll give them such a party! There will
be drunken cousins throwing up catered dinners
from here to the Grand Concourse.

AGGIE
But see it's not that simple. They've got to
get married Thursday morning ...

MUSIC cue:

WINSTON
How about that place John rented for his
Caroline's wedding? He's always bragging on how
much he spent. We'll take that hall PLUS the
room next door just for the champagne toast?
 32

That'll shut him up for once. And I'm paying

for the hall. No argument. Leave it all to me.

AGGIE
It's not going to be like that. They're just
having a small civil ceremony in the morning
and then they're off on their honeymoon.

WINSTON
Why would they get married like that?

AGGIE
BECAUSE IT'S WHAT THEY WANT

MUSIC BEGINS: "NO FUSS"

AND THERE ARE OTHER COMPLICATIONS

THERE'S A FRIEND WHO'S GETTIN' MARRIED
WITH A BABY AND A CAR
AND A U-HAUL FULL OF FURNITURE
AND WEST COAST RELATIONS
CITY HALL AND A CLERK
ONLY THREE WEEKS OFF FROM WORK
SO THERE'S TIME LIMITATIONS ...

WINSTON
Stop addressing Congress. What are you trying
to say?

AGGIE
Here's the thing, Winston ... Would you tie your
shoe?

THEY DON'T WANT ANY FUSS

JANEY MADE THAT CLEAR
JUST IMMEDIATE FAMILY PLUS
her friend Alice
WHOSE WEDDING SHE WAS IN LAST YEAR
THEY WANT TO KEEP IT SMALL
YOU KNOW HOW IT GOES:
YOU INVITE ONE UNCLE
AND YOU HAVE TO ASK THEM ALL
THEN THE COUSINS AND THE FRIENDS
AND THE NEIGHBORS AND THEIR DATES
AND THE LIST GROWS AND GROWS ...

WINSTON
I am not invited?
 33

AGGIE
You're not listenihg to me.
THEY HAVE TO LEAVE BY THURSDAY AFTERNOON
OR THERE WON'T BE TIME FOR THEM TO HAVE THEIR HONEYMOON
SO THEY HAVE TO DO IT QUICK
A D ...

WINSTON
(halting her)
And I am not to be considered iromediate family?
Might I remind you that I am not only the
girl's uncle but her godfather.

AGGIE
You were Terry's godfather. Paddy stood up for
Janey.

WINSTON
Paddy? Who'd ask Paddy to be a godfather?

AGGIE
Can we fight one battle at a time? Don't you
think I want my favorite brother at my only
daughter's wedding ...

WINSTON
Then ask me. You just might find I'm free.

AGGIE
It's not up to me. The kids are trying to keep
it small.

WINSTON
Really? You can tell the kids for me: Resigning
one's self to small is sad. Requesting it is tragic.

WINSTON pulls on his jacket and

starts to leave.

AGGIE
For heaven's sake, would you stop carrying on.
Just imagine the fighting and fussing if we
have you and none of the rest. But, Winston, Ralph's
people are coming to dinner tonight and we
wouldn't think of having them over without you
here.
r
34

HE'S out the door.

AGGIE
Dinner's at ~even. Don't be late. And tie your
shoe!
JANEY enters and busies herself setting
the table and chairs.

JANEY
Are you sure you told Uncle Win seven o'clock?

AGGIE
Put ice in the pitcher.

JANEY
There's already ice in the glasses.

AGGIE
We're serving this dinner proper if nothing
else.

JANEY
It's supposed to be just a plain meal like we
have every night.

AGGIE
Something's got to be special when your only
daughter gets engaged and you're meeting your
in-laws for the first time.

JANEY
Ma, we've been all through this ...

AGGIE
Mrs Thompson at the green grocer said it was
like we were being shameful and secret the way
we was hustling you off.

(her mind racing)

I hope I got them the right whiskey.

JANEY
Ralph says his father drinks too much.
AGGIE
That's no concern of ours.
JANEY
No pearls for the potatoes?
 35

The MR AND MRS HALLORAN enter the

LIVING ROOJl1 along with RALPH AND TOM.

MR. HALLORAN
Ralph tells me you're in the taxi game.

TOM
It's not really much of a game.

RALPH
(to Jane's rescue)
Let me help.

MRS. HALLORAN
Well, doesn't that all look scrumptious.

MR. HALLORAN
Must be fascinating work; driving a cab.

TOM
There is that side of it.

MR. HALLORAN
You must get to see more than your share of the
passing parade.

TOM
I wouldn't say that. But every now and then I
get a peek at it through the little mirror over
the windshield.

MR. HALLORAN
(laughing too loudly)
The little mirror ... That's rich. Own your own
cab, do you?

TOM
Right now I have two partners in the medallion.
That's the license the city sells you to run a
taxi. But just this morning I got some fairly
exciting news. It looks like one of my ...

MR. HALLORAN
Y'know, Hurley, I've been thinking about the
kids getting hitched in such a hurry and it
just seems awfully cold to me. Not that I don't
understand, what with you just putting your boy
in the ground this winter and all ...
 36

RALPH
Dad!

MR. HALLORAN
What? We can be frank, can't we?

RALPH
It's our choice. Jane and I don't want a big
wedding.

MRS. HALLORAN
Don't be silly. What girl doesn't want a big
wedding?

MR. HALLORAN
So if it's a matter of money I'd be more than
happy to split the tab soup to nuts.

MRS. HALLORAN
Why let money get in the way of everyone having
a good time?

RALPH
Morn, Dad, please.

MR. HALLORAN
What? We're all family here.

AGGIE enters with the main course

of a whole fish beautifully
displayed on a platter.

AGGIE
Here we are ...

MRS. HALLORAN
Oh, will you look at that.

MR. HALLORAN
You certainly put on a swell feed.

JANEY
(sarcastically)
Oh, we eat like this every night.

AGGIE
Won't you all please pass your plates ...
 37

AGGIE works to fill plates as ...

MR. HALLORAN
You know what I'm going to do for you kids?
WE GOT THIS LISTING, JUST CAME IN

MUSIC BEGINS: ~YOUR CHILDREN'S

HAPPINESS"

A FLOOR-THROUGH IN THE LOWER SLOPE

TWO BEDROOMS, KITCHEN, ALL REDONE
A FIND, BUT WILL I SHOW IT?
Nope!
I'M PUTTING YOUR NAMES ON THE LEASE
AND FOR THE FIRST WHOLE YEAR I'LL PAY YOUR RENT
AND ALL UTILITIES.
MY WEDDING PRESENT TO YOU.
NO, IT'S THE LEAST I CAN DO.
EXPENSIVE, YES, I MUST CONFESS
BUT YOU CAN'T PUT A PRICE ON YOUR CHILDREN'S HAPPINESS!
A wedding is no place for coupon clippers.
Right, Hurley?

MR. HALLORAN
OUR GIRLS. :.

MRS. HALLORAN
YOU SHOULD HAVE SEEN ...

MR. HALLORAN
THEIR WEDDINGS - UNBELIEVABLEl
WORE MY CHECKBOOK DOWN TO THE BONE.

MRS. HALLORAN
THE FOOD WAS ...

MR. HALLORAN
THE APPETIZER TABLE ALONE ...

MRS. HALLORAN
SO MUCH CAVIAR ...

MR. HALLORAN
BELUGA, OF COURSE.

MRS. HALLORAN
FLOWN IN!
 38

MR. HALLORAN
WHICH COST ABOUT TWO MONTHS OF WHAT YOUR RENT WILL BE.
WORTH EV'RY PENNY!

MRS. HALLORAN
SO BEAUTIFUL~

MR. HALLORAN
THEIR BEAMING FACES ...

MRS. HALLORAN
TEARS 0 F JOY ...

MR. HALLORAN
AND FOND EMBRACES.

MRS. HALLORAN
WE GAVE THEM ...

MR. HALLORAN
THE BEST AND NOTHING LESS ...

MRS. HALLORAN
YOU KNOW, YOU CAN'T PUT A PRICE ON YOUR CHILDREN'S HAPPINESS.

AGGIE
Well, we thought we'd make the kids a present
of a check, let them do what it is they want.

MRS. HALLORAN
Why, isn't that practical.

AGGIE
Five thousand dollars.

TOM
(involuntarily)
Five?
AGGIE cuts him off with a glare.

MR. & MRS. HALLORAN

SO RALPH AND JANE ARE SAYING THEY DON'T WANT A BIG AFFAIR
BUT WHO'D COMPLAIN TO FIND A FANCY HALL
AND SEVERAL HUNDRED'PEOPLE WAITING THERE?

MR. HALLORAN
FROM THE MOMENT I DISCOVERED THAT MY DAUGHTERS WERE ENGAGED
I WAS BURNING UP THE PHONE LINES LIKE A WAR WAS BEING WAGED
 39

AND THEIR DREAMS WERE ALL EXCEEDED IN THE WEDDINGS THAT I

STAGED.

MR. & MRS. HALLORAN

AFTER ALL, YOUR ONLY FLESH AND BLOOD DESERVE THINGS IN EXCESS
AND THEIR SPECIAL DAY IS WORTH THE HUGE EXPENSES AND THE
STRESS
SO WHETHER THEY WANT A FUSS OR NOT THE ANSWER SHOULD BE ...

MR. HALLORAN
YES ...

MRS. HALLORAN
YES!

WINSTON appears in the doorway

virtually ending the song ...

AGGIE
You're late.

WINSTON
I went out seeking a tonic for my
troubles ... and got more than I
bargained for.

AGGIE
My brother has always been the funny one.
(taking control of WINSTON)
Mr and Mrs Halloran, this is my brother Winston.

MR. HALLORAN
Nice to meet you.

MRS. HALLORAN
A pleasure.

WINSTON
Oh, the pleasure is mine, Mrs. Hooligan.

AGGIE
Winston, Mr. HALLORAN was just telling us about
his daughter's wedding.

MUSIC BEGINS: "IMMEDIATE FAMILY"

WINSTON
 40

Only ...
IMMEDIATE FAMILY.

MRS. HALLORAN
Excuse me?

WINSTON
The kids will be inviting only ...
IMMEDIATE FAMILY
THAT'S WHAT THEY SAID
BUT I KNOW WHAT THEY MEANT--
I DON'T HAVE TO BE HIT IN THE HEAD
TO SEE THROUGH TO THEIR TRUE INTENT
TO EXCLUDE A CERTAIN UNCLE
JUST BECAUSE HIS BRANCH ON THE FAMILY TREE
IS A WEE BIT BENT.

AGGIE
Winston, have some fish.

WINSTON
Was there ever a truer gesture of familial love?
PASSING YOU A PLATTER
WHILE THEY TELL YOU YOU DON'T MATTER.

IMMEDIATE FAMILY
THOSE FOLKS YOU SOMETIMES HATE
BUT HAVE TO SUCK IT UP AND TOLERATE.

IMMEDIATE FAMILY
THE ONES WHO GET TO TREAT YOU BAD
BECAUSE, NO MATTER WHAT THEY DO
YOU CAN BET YOU'RE STUCK WITH THEM
AND, MUCH TO THEIR OBVIOUS REGRET,
THEY'RE STUCK WITH YOU.
Don't you agree, Mr. Harrigan?

AGGIE
Could we discuss this later?

WINSTON
Absolutely. But why put off 'til tomorrow
what we've avoided up 'til today?
I NEVER THOUGHT I'D LIVE TO SEE THE DAY
MY OWN SISTER--
WOULD TURN HER BACK ON ME THIS WAY.
BUT I'VE SEEN LOTS OF OTHER FAMILIES DO IT
SO IT'S NOT LIKE I'M A STRANGER ... TO IT.
 41

KEITH, MY BUSINESS PARTNER OF ALMOST TWO YEARS

WOULD BURY HIS FACE IN MY LAP
Oh, yes he would.
AND SOAK MY CROTCH WITH TEARS
BECAUSE, THOUGH THEY OCCASIOrALLY PHONED HIM,
HIS FAMILY HAD BASICALLY DISOWNED HIM.
And do you know why?

MRS. HALLORl\N
I'm sure I couldn't guess.

WINSTON
Of course you could, Mrs. Hooligan, but you
would have had to have lived an entirely
different life. Keith, like me, is a confirmed
bachelor uncle. And confirmed or not, bachelor
uncles are apparently to be kept outside;
outside like the family dog.

JANEY
This has nothing to do with you. We're not inviting
any aunts or uncles.

MRS. HALLORAN
No aunts or uncles?

JANEY
It'll just be immediate family.

MR. HALLORAN
You never said anything ...

RALPH
I told you that. I absolutely did, right off.

MRS. HALLORAN
Ridiculous.

MR. HALLORAN
Who has a wedding without relatives?

MRS. HALLORAN
Aunt Thelma would be distraught. And what about
Granny?

WINSTON
Poor poor Granny.
 42

RALPH
It's our wedding and we'll do what we like.

MR. HALLORAN
If you really want to make us feel left out why
not just elope?

RALPH
Don't tempt me.

MRS. HALLORAN
Ralph Halloran!

MR. HALLORAN
Young man, we will discuss this at home.

WINSTON
Believe me I feel for you, Mrs Harrigan. I
myself sought to leave this
DEN OF DOMESTICITY
AND THE UGLINESS BENEATH
TO FIND A BIT OF COMFORT
WITH THE AFOREMENTIONED KEITH
BUT POISONED BY WEDDING MADNESS
AND ENVY OF THOSE WITH A SPOUSE
HE'S ISSUED A DEMAND THAT WE KEEP HOUSE!
He accused me of living with my sister in order to avoid
personal entanglements. Do you know what I told
him? "You're not as dumb as you look!"

MR. HALLORAN
I've had about enough of this.

WINSTON
You? How about me?
I'VE SPENT FIFTY YEARS AVOIDING COHABITAL MESS
ONLY TO BE DERAILED BY THIS "NIAGRA FALLS EXPRESS"
Keep house? I told that silly son of a bitch, "The
only house people like us get to keep is in the
pouf ward of a padded palace." Period.

JANEY
(to AGGIE)
Can't you do something?

AGGIE
(to Winston)
Winston. Stop.
 43

WINSTON
~ have broken the vow of silence. It's straight
to hell without supper for me. So if you will
kindly remove your peas and posteriors, I will
take to the cloistered confines of my secret
shame.

MRS. HALLORAN
Excuse me?

liVINSTON
No, excuse me.
(pointing to the couch whereon she sits)
That's my bed you're sitting on.

MRS. HALLORAN jumps to her feet,

flustered.

MRS. HALLORAN
Oh. I had no idea. I'm so sorry.

WINSTON
,My, but you're a breath of fresh air, Mrs.
Homonym. I feel like I can tell you anything.

RALPH
You can't.

WINSTON sweeps her up to dance as the

sofa and doors fade away.

WINSTON
Shall we?
IMMEDIATE FAMILY
CAN HAVE SUCH NARROW MINDS
YOU'D THINK THEIR HEADS WERE UP THEIR BEHINDS.

THE HALLORANS gather their things.

IMMEDIATE FAMILY
WILL LET YOU KNOW YOU DON'T BELONG
IN NOT SO SUBTLE LITTLE WAYS
AND NEVER LET YOU FORGET
THAT YOU ARE FOREVER IN THEIR DEBT ...

THE HALLORANS and RALPH exit.

 44

BUT WAITI
I'M NOT NEARLY FINISHED YET!
LET'S TOAST OUR FIANCES ...
.. . AND IMMEDIATE FAMILY!
WHEN I THINK OF THE PETTY, ANNOYING, DISLOYAL
IMMEDIATE FAMILY I DEFINE
WELL, I'M NOT ONE TO WHINE
SO HERE'S THE BOTTOM LINE
THOUGH YOU SAY I'M NOT YOUR IMMEDIATE FAMILY
YOU ARE SURELY ...

JANEY exits

THE SERGEANT steps out of the

shadows. WINSTON sees her and cuts
off the song dead ... AGGIE and TOM
now turn and see her as well.

SERGEANT
Good evening, Mrs. Hurley? I don't want to
disturb your supper. You and your husband left
so early this morning we weren't able to catch
you. I'm sorry. I'll make this as quick as I
can and leave you in peace.

On behalf of the Commander and Chief of the

Armed Forces, the Secretary of Defense, the
United States Army, and a grateful nation, I
present you with this flag from the Memorial
Service along with your son's medals and
papers.

SHE hands the objects to a stunned

AGGIE.

SERGEANT
I took the liberty of bringing the family
bereavement benefit. I thought, as long as I
was coming ... Rather than sending it in the
mail. I thought ... I'm sorry, Ma'am.
(she salutes her)
My sincerest condolences. Good night.

SHE turns on her heel and is gone.

WINSTON withdraws.

AGGIE looks first at the medal in

its case and then hands it to TOM.
SHE studies the neatly folded flag
 4S

and hands that to him as well ...

SHE looks at the letter, SHE reads
the brief note and then stares at
the check.

TOM takes the letter from her and

reads it. HE then reaches out to
take the check, but AGGIE
resists ...

AGGIE
This check is going to buy a fine wedding.
TOM
What?

AGGIE
A catered affair with a white lace gown,
an orchestra, a cake, and flower girls ...

TOM
Aggie, you know the kids have to get married
Thursday if they want to take the car ...

AGGIE
I have been explaining about that car and the
girl with the baby and every time I tell it -
it sounds sillier and sillier.

TOM
The kids got plans.

AGGIE
Tom Hurley, in the course of this one day I
have been accused of atheism, of hating my
children, of covering up a scandal, of being a
piker, a pauper, and I damn near broke my
brother's heart ... And when that Halloran
started in on how he's paying the kids' rent ...

TOM
Oh, you know how blowhards like him are ...

AGGIE
He's giving them a home. What are we
giving her? A check? Any stranger can hand you a
check. We're her parents.

TOM
 46

But that money is our whole future.

MUSIC BEGINS: "OUR ONLY DAUGHTER"

AGGIE
(standing her ground)
WE'VE NEVER BEEN KIND TO HER, TOM
WE ALWAYS TREATED HER COLD
I'LL NEVER FORGIVE MYSELF FOR THAT

WE ALWAYS FAVORED THE BOY

WE DID, TOM, GOD REST HIS SOUL,
WE ALWAYS TREATED HIM GOOD
GAVE HIM WHATEVER WE COULD
BUT NOT THE GIRL

SHE NEVER ASKED FOR MUCH

BECAUSE WE TAUGHT HER
NOT TO EXPECT TOO MUCH
OUR ONLY DAUGHTER

WE MANAGED TO SEND HIM TO SCHOOL

THOUGH HE NEVER WANTED TO GO
DROPPED OUT, JOINED UP, AND OFF HE FLEW

SHE HAD HER COLLEGE PICKED OUT

BUT THAT WAS WHEN BUSINESS GOT SLOW
WE COULDN'T GIVE HER A DIME
SHE HAD TO START WORKING FULL-TIME
TO HELP US THROUGH

SHE NEVER ASKED FOR MORE

BECAUSE LIFE TAUGHT HER
THAT THERE WAS NOTHING MORE FOR
OUR ONLY DAUGHTER

WE GAVE HIM ALL THAT WE HAD

AND WHAT IS THERE LEFT?
A FLAG AND SOME MEDALS TO THROW IN A DRAWER

YOU SAY THIS CHECK IS OUR FUTURE

BUT THAT'S NOT THE TRUTH
I SAY YOUR KIDS ARE YOUR FUTURE
AND THOUGH THERE'S NO WAY WE CAN BUY BACK HER YOUTH
WE CAN STILL GIVE HER ONE PERFECT DAY
TO REMEMBER US FOR

PLEASE! LET'S GIVE HER THIS ONE THING, TOM

ONE THING THAT'S SPECIAL FOR HER
 47

ONE THING SHE'LL SMILE ABOUT ALL OF HER DAYS

A BEAUTIFUL CATERSD AFFAIR

WITH FRIENDS AND FAMILY AROUND
A BIG SATIN PHOTO BOOK
SHE CAN LOOK AT WHEN TIMES GET BAD
THINK OF HER MOM AND HER DAD
AND THE ONLY BIT OF JOY WE EVER BROUGHT HER
OUR ONE REMAINING CHILD
OUR LITTLE GIRL
OUR ONLY DAUGHTER.

Lights fade.

MUSIC BEGINS:

WINSTON appears to oversee the

clearing of the stage but first stops
to study the government check.

WINSTON places a chair center

stage and the BRIDAL SHOP appears.

A bridal gowned JANEY enters,

attended by a SALESWOMAN.

Satisfied, WINSTON drifts off. AGGIE

enters.

JANEY climbs up onto the chair for

her fitting.

BRIDAL SALESWOMAN
Blowout, sweetheart. You've got to suck it in
if you want me to get this zipper closed.

JANEY
How am I supposed to breathe?

BRIDAL SALESWOMAN
Brides don't breathe. Not if they want a
waistline. And you know what they say about
brides without waistlines.

AGGIE
I'm going to have to take a cab to meet your Pa
and uncle at the hall. The church deposit
cleaned me out. Can you let me have a couple of
bucks?
 48

JP.NEY
Right there in my purse.

AGGIE
I'll pay you back at the house tonight.

JANEY
You almost ready, Ma? I'm pretty sure this is
the one.

AGGIE
Let me have it.

JANEY
Yes?

AGGIE
Oh, Janey, it's beautiful.

BRIDAL SALESWOMAN
There's a veil we suggest with this model. Let
me find it.

THE SALESWOMAN goes off.

AGGIE
Thank you for doing this for me.

JANEY
You don't hear me beefing, do you?
(she turns her head and is surprised by
her own reflection in the mirror)

MUSIC BEGINS: ONE WHITE DRESS

JANEY
I WASN'T ONE OF THOSE SILLY LITTLE GIRLS
THOSE PERFECT PINK AND FRILLY LITTLE GIRLS
WHO LONG TO WEAR MAKEUP
JUST ACHING TO CAKE UP THEIR PORES
MAKEUP STILL BORES ME

I NEVER MOONED OVER BRIDAL MAGAZINES

OR SAPPY WEDDING SCENES I SAW ON MOVIE SCREENS
AND I MIGHT AS WELL FESS UP
I NEVER PLAYED DRESS-UP AND SUCH
SO WHY AM I ENJOYING THIS SO MUCH?
 49

WHO WOULD IMAGINE THAT ONE WHITE DRESS

COULD TOTALLY SPIN MY HEAD AROUND?
I WOULDN'T BE AN EMOTIONAL MESS
OVER ANY OTHER DRESS I FOUND

I'VE NEVER BEEN ONE FOR SHOPPING TILL I DROP

OR SQUEEZING INTO OUTFITS TIGHT ENOUGH TO POP
AND PRIMPING, I HATE TO!
I USU'LLY CAN'T WAIT TO BE DONE
BUT I HAVE TO ADMIT ...

JANEY & AGGIE

This is fun!

JANEY
WHAT IS HAPPENING TO ME?
I'VE BEEN SENSIBLE ALL MY LIFE
MAYBE I NEED THIS LITTLE SPREE
BEFORE I'M SOMEBODY'S SENSIBLE ...

AGGIE
PRACTICAL ...

JANEY
SERIOUS ...

AGGIE
AND EVENTU'LLY TIRED OLD ...
•
~ JANEY & AGGIE
WORN OUT WIFE ...

JANEY
SO I'LL DO THOSE STRANGE THINGS THAT EVERYBODY DOES
ACTING LIKE THE FOOL I NEVER THOUGHT I WAS
PA WILL THROW SOME OLD TUX ON
AND SPEND LOTS OF BUCKS ON THE SHOW
IT REALLY SOUNDS CRAZY, I KNOW

WHO WOULD IMAGINE THAT ONE WHITE DRESS

COULD EASILY SHOVE ALL SENSE ASIDE?
FILL UP A ROOM WITH HAPPINESS
AND TURN A PRACTICAL,
RATIONAL, SERIOUS,
PLAIN-JANE-ORDINARY GIRL
INTO A GIDDY BRIDE.

AGGIE
 50

This is nice. I never took you kids out

shopping much. Your brother hated the stores ...
(realizing what she's said)
I'm sorry I didn't take more interest in you
when you was a little girl. Your Pa and me ...
We always had the curse of money over us. So I
just got you what I could when I could.

JANEY
We're certainly making up for it today. Ma, why
don't we tell Pa the dress cost half and I'll
make up the difference.

AGGIE
He'll be fine. All he needs do is remember how
we got hitched. He only married me because ...
Well, you already know about me being a "bride
with no waistline".

AGGIE
Your Pa and my Pa, God rest his soul, they
drove cabs out of the same garage. "Hurley,
you're gonna do right by that girl and marry
her. End of discussion." He says, "And in
return I'~l buy you a share in your own
medallion." They shook on it and that was that.

JANEY
You didn't have a say?

AGGIE
In my condition? What was I going to say?
So he married me. Well, once he got the cash.
Oh, I'm exaggerating a little, but that's the
gist. And he's a good man, your Pa. These last
months since Terence was killed ... I might have
died myself if not for the steadiness of your
father.

JANEY
I never knew that story about grandpa and the
taxi.

AGGIE
(digging)
Jane. You and me have never been close. It's no
reproach to you. But with all that's happened,
you start looking back at things ...
 51

THE SALESWOMAN returns with the

veil.

BRIDAL SALESWOMAN
Here we are. Lovely, isn't it? So delicate.

AGGIE takes the veil from her.

AGGIE
Can we see that dress with the beads again?

BRIDAL SALESWOMAN
Oh, but that one can't compare ...
(assessing the moment)
I'll go look for it.

SHE goes off. AGGIE places the

veil on her daughter's head and
they look in the mirror.
WINSTON watches from upstage.

JANEY
I don't need any of this, Ma.

MUSIC cue:

AGGIE
My wedding was done in such a rush, me in a
cotton print dress not fit to be seen on the
street let alone be married in. Oh, I said I
didn't mind. But I did ... to this day.
I want you to have this one fine thing with all
the trimmings. Something for when the bad days
come and you're all wore out and growing old.

JANEY
Is your life really all that bad, Ma?

AGGIE
My life is not something I think about. Okay?

JANEY
Okay.

JANEY dreamily drifts offstage in

her gown.

AGGIE
 52

Beautiful.

WINSTON
Simply, Beautiful.

WINSTON conjures an empty catering

hall.

HE steps into the scene, breathing it

all in, followed by TOM.

WINSTON
A beautiful place for a wedding. Oh, this was
the right decision, Tom; to launch them onto
the sea of life like a fine ship with all flags
flying.

TOM
How long is this going to take? I want to get
out to the airport for the foreign flights.

WINSTON
Before I forget; Sam came looking for you. He
said he'd be back around dinnertime.

AGGIE
Oh, Winston. Wait 'til you see the dress with a
lace train way onto the floor.

TOM
Can we get the guy to glve us the bad news so's
I can get back to work?
AGGIE
And the veil ... It's a kind of a tulle with
apricot blossoms on the crown ...

The CATERER, a well suited woman,

arrives cheerily.

CATERER
Hello. I know a fun family when I see one.

WINSTON
(to himself)
This isn't going to go well.

CATERER
Mr. and Mrs. Curly?
 53
AGGIE
Hurley.

WINSTON
You can call me Curly.

CATERER
Well, wanting a wedding within the month we
certainly can't call you Early! Now, I've put
together a few ideas, basic rates and a couple
of surprises ...

TOM
How much is all of this going to cost?

CATERER
Someone's raring to go.

TOM
You people have like a package deal?

CATERER
A catered affair is all about choices.

SHE hands the photos to AGGIE and

WINSTON.

CATERER
Now, how many do you expect in your party?
AGGIE
Close to two hundred I'd say.

TOM
Two hundred?

AGGIE
We'll be paring the list down as it is.

TOM
We never said anything like two hundred.

AGGIE
(to caterer)
If you'll excuse us.

CATERER
(trying to turn away discretely)
Of course.
 54

AGGIE
Now look, Tom, there's Harry and John and
Barney and Joe. Then the cousins and all that
crowd. There must be eighteen of them alone.
And how about Dave and Helen ...

TOM
Dave is not driving all the way up from
Wheeling, West Virginia.

WINSTON
No. When he hears you're having an open bar
he'll fly.
I
AGGIE
4
And Jane will have a bunch of friends she'll
want to invite. I'd bet there's more like a
hundred and fifty than a hundred.

TOM
How about just having them to the church? Why
do I gotta buy them all dinner? What you're
planning could eat up every cent I scrimped and
saved to buy my cab.

AGGIE
You scrimped and saved? You?

TOM
All right. We both did.

AGGIE
Tom Hurley, we've had it hard between us, but I
will not haggle and bicker with you no more.
We're having this wedding and we're having it
right sos's one day the girl will have a kind
word for the mother and father who never gave
her nothing 'til now. Finished.

AGGIE
Let's just say, in round numbers, a hundred and
fifty. Seventy-five for us, Seventy-five for
the groom's side.

TOM
How much?
 - - - ------------~-

55

CATERER
Once again; choices. Sit down or buffet? Passed
hors d'oeuvres or trays? Now, let's begin right
after the service. Now how many limousines will
you need?

TOM
What do we need with limousines?

AGGIE
How else can the guests without cars get over
here from the church?

TOM
Ever hear of a subway?

AGGIE
If you'll excuse us.

WINSTON
Hold the phone. Now, Mrs - Miss ... ?

CATERER
Call me Betty.

WINSTON
Oh, I just might.

TOM
If this don't beat all.

WINSTON
Tom, please, this is one of those things my
people do best.

CATERER
You mean the Irish?

WINSTON
(off TOM and AGGIE looking terrified)
Yeah. Sure. Why not?

WINSTON pulls the menu open The

CATERER takes notes wildly .

WINSTON
£1

56
Let's start with the menu: We can skip the
soup. Ya gotta give our relatives something to
chew on or they start in on each other.

AGGIE
How about spare ribs?

WINSTON
Inspired. Cheap, filling and fun. Even you've
gotta like that, Tom.
(to Caterer)
And toss in those little egg rolls. Then let's
fill them up with a great big salad. Maximum
bulk at minimum price. Russian, French and
Vinaigrette dressings.

CATERER I
No blue cheese?
.~

WINSTON 4
Maybe for dessert.

CATERER
You've done this before.

WINSTON
Never with a church involved. Now to the meat
of the matter ... ? Aggie?

AGGIE
It's all about choices.

WINSTON
(proudly)
She's my sister. A choice they shall have; the
beef or the chicken.

CATERER
How about shrimp?

WINSTON
There are enough bottom feeders on the guest
list already.

AGGIE
Can we have roasted potatoes?

WINSTON
Give that woman roasted potatoes ... with dill.
 57

CATERER
Green beans with almor-ds, beets ...

WINSTON
No beets. Stains.
(indicating his shirt)
Rentals.

CATERER
And for dessert?

WINSTON
This is where most folks waste the money. We're
already paying for the cake, so a fruit plate
and assorted cookies will do us fine.

TOM
Ya' got the cake, do you need the cookies?

WINSTON
Let's talk about flowers ...

TOM
Can't we just take the flowers from the church?

WINSTON
No, but if you'd like, on their way here, the
limos can pass through the cemetery and pick up
a few things.

TOM
I'm just saying we already paid for flowers ...
WINSTON
Aggie, what kind of arrangements would you
like?

AGGIE
You're doing fine, Win.

WINSTON
No, no, no, no, no. This is your party, Sis.
What do you want?

AGGIE
Honestly, Win, I've never been any good at ...

WINSTON
 58

Close your eyes.

AGGIE
What?

WINSTON
Close your eyes. Do it!

MUSIC BEGINS: "VISION"

WINSTON
Now I want you to picture Janey in that wedding
dress you just told me about. Got it?
SHE nods and smiles.

WINSTON
It's the big day. Two hundred guests gathered
here in the front hall. Suddenly the room goes
hushed as Janey appears, a princess in her
bridal gown, surrounded by garlands of flowers.
Can you see it?

AGGIE
Yes.

WINSTON
What color are the flowers?

UPSTAGE the lights start to

glimmer as an apparition of the
affair begins to take shape. The
fantasy will envelope the stage ...

AGGIE
Pink. No, peach. No,
APRICOT BLOSSOMS JUST LIKE THE ONES ON HER VEIL
APRICOT BLOSSOMS
SET OFF WITH BABY'S BREATH AND WHITE ROSES

CATERER
Lovely.

AGGIE
APRICOT AND WHITE RIBBONS HANGING EVERYWHERE

CATERER
Can do.
 59

AGGIE
AND FREESIA
I'VE ALWAYS LOVED THE SCENT OF FREESIA

WINSTON
(to Caterer)
Lavender freesia.

CATERER
That will be extra.

TOM
Extra what?

AGGIE
THERE'S CANDLELIGHT
WHITE CANDLES TIED WITH PASTEL BOWS
IN TALL SILVER STICKS

WINSTON
Now look into the dining room and see the
tables ... What color are the cloths?

AGGIE
WHITE
CRISP STARCHED WHITE

WINSTON
Under skirted in lavender.
(to Aggie)
And the napkins?

AGGIE
APRICOT SET ON SIMPLE WHITE CHINA
WITH ONE WHITE ROSE AT EACH PLACE
And the guest's names printed ... no written in
a beautiful hand on white cards with the word,
"welcome H above each.

CATERER
She's got a knack.

WINSTON
How about the cake? Tell me about the cake.

AGGIE
Oh, it's so elegant. The cake is white.
WHITE CAKE WITH APRICOT CREAM FILLING
Three tiers.
 60

WINSTON
(to Caterer)
And a little bride and groom on top.

AGGIE
No. There's only one bride in the room and
that's my Janey. The cake is dripping in icing
flowers. Flowers that match her wedding
bouquet.

WINSTON
And the music?

The WEDDING is now visible as in a

dream the room takes on
color a chandeliers, candles, a cake
appears .
JANEY enters in her wedding
gown ...

AGGIE
AND THE MUSIC WON'T EVER STOP
NOT FROM THE MOMENT YOU WALK THROUGH THE DOOR
IT FILLS THE ROOM
LIKE A CONCERT HALL
CINDERELLA'S BALL
SWIRLING AND SPINNING

RALPH, dressed in white tails,

joins JANEY ...

A MAGICAL SPELL
THAT WILL MAKE YOU FORGET ALL YOUR WORRIES
EVERYTHING'S GOLDEN
NOTHING GOES WRONG
INSIDE THIS SONG
IN THIS CANDLELIGHT
ON THIS PERFECT NIGHT

AND THEN, THERE THEY ARE

THE IMPOSSIBLY BEAUTIFUL PAIR
JUST TO LOOK AT THEM MAKES YOU ACHE
TO CARE LIKE THEY CARE
TO FEEL WHAT THEY FEEL
AND BELIEVE THAT IT'S REAL
THIS IS WHAT GETTING MARRIED SHOULD BE!
 61

RALPH takes JANEY'S hand and they

dance ...

LOOK, HE'S TAKING HER HAND

AS THEY FLOAT DOWN THE STAIRS FOR THEIR DANCE
TO A DIFFERENT SONG
EVEN MORE HEARTBREAKING
EVEN MORE FULL OF ROMANCE

THE COUPLE separates and begin to

drift as the vision fades ...

AND YOU KNOW FROM NOW ON

IF YOU EVER SHOULD HEAR THAT SWEET SONG
YOU'LL REMEMBER THIS HUSBAND AND WIFE
THE LOVELY YOUNG GIRL IN HER WEDDING GOWN
AND HER FLOWER CROWN
GLIDING ACROSS THE FLOOR
IN THE ARMS OF THE MAN WHO ADORES HER
THE MAN SHE'LL ADORE
FOR THE REST OF HER LIFE.

AGGIE opens her eyes and we are once

again in the empty catering hall.

WINSTON places a supportive hand on

AGGIE's shoulder and then turns to
usher in...

THE KITCHEN ... where ALICE is nervously

waiting when JANE arrives
breathlessly.

WINSTON watches from the downstage

shadows.

JANEY (O.S.)
Alice?

ALICE
Here, Jane.

JANEY
Hi. Sorry. I know I'm late, but the dress
fitting took longer than I thought, but wait
until you see it. This all started
because I wanted to avoid any fuss and look at
 62

me now. Ridiculous, right? Someone would think throwing myself a

big wedding was the only thing I ever thought about. Ridiculous.
Anyway, I got a head start on making the list of bridesmaids.

ALICE
Jane, I don't want to be your matron of honor.
I can't.

JANEY
What do you mean?

ALICE
You have to swear to God you won't tell
anybody.

JANEY
What's the matter?

ALICE
I'm so ashamed about this, but when you called,
after we hung up, I suddenly thought, "I'm
going to have to get a dress."

JANEY
Oh, for heaven's sake ...

ALICE
Jane ... We don't have money to spend on a
bridesmaid dress. You know Bill's been out of
work. He don't even sleep nights with worry.

JANEY
But the dresses I picked ...

ALICE
And even if we could afford the dress, Bill's
got to have a tuxedo. You know what a rental
costs?
JANEY
He doesn't have to wear a tux.

ALICE
If I'm in the wedding party he has to wear a
tux.

JANEY
There will be plenty of guys in plain dark
 63
suits.

ALICE
Bill doesn't have a plain dark suit. And what
about my getting shoes to match the dress. And
a bag to match the shoes.
JANEY
I'll give you the money. No one has to know.

ALICE
We can't afford it and that's that. And please
don't tell the girls about this. I'd die.

JANEY
So, you're broke. What's so terrible?

ALICE
You wouldn't say that in my place. Jane, we
haven't been married a year and already ...
Maybe we should've thought it out more.

JANEY
You're just going through a rough time.

ALICE
Jane, I'm sorry. I can't talk about this.

JANEY
You're my best friend, Alice ...

ALICE
I said I don't want to talk about it.

JANEY
The trouble with you is you're too sensitive
about this stuff.

ALICE
(holding back tears)
Jane, you say one more word and I'm going to
get out of here.

JANEY
It's only money.

MUSIC CUE

ALICE
I swear ...
 64

JANEY
(trying to calm her)
All right. All right.

But it's too late. ALICE bursts

into tears.

JANEY
Alice ...

ALICE
Leave me alone.

And with that ALICE rushes away.

FIRE ESCAPE

RALPH appears on the fire escape

above.

RALPH
This is all our fault. We both knew things were
tough for them. So, why didn't we think about
it before hurting their feelings? And I'd bet
they're not our only friends in the same fix.

JANEY
Ralph, I called my mother to tell her I want to
cancel the whole thing.
RALPH
Oh, thank you. Thank you. Sane words at last.

JANEY
But, before I can say a word she starts in
about how lucky we are that the ballroom still
had an opening for us on the twenty-sixth ...

RALPH
The twenty-sixth? I knew we'd never make it for
Thursday, but the twenty-sixth?

JANEY
That's fast for a wedding. You've got to give
people notice.
RALPH
Jane, if we get married on the twenty-sixth we
 65

have no vacation. And what about the car?

Everyone's counting on us; Kelly and her belly.

JANEY
Look, Ralph, you okayed the whole deal.

RALPH
I thought it meant I'd have to dance with my
mother, not miss my honeymoon. And wait until
you hear what my mother's been up to.

JANEY
Oh, no.

RALPH
As of this afternoon my mother has found that
we are related by blood to no less than fifty-
four people, and by marriage to another sixty-
one. Then there are fifty odd more folks who
deserve the rare privilege of seeing me get
hitched.

JANEY
But that's almost two hundred ...

RALPH
Ah, Janey, let's just run away. We've got the
licence. Let's just get married and go.

JANEY
Do you know how much they put down in
deposits?

RALPH
We'll pay your folks back. They'll save a
fortune and we'll save our sanity. You don't
want this. I don't want this .. Let's just leave.

JANEY
(searching her heart)
Ralph ... I can't. I gotta do it for Ma and
that's that. If you'd been with her today ...
How everything about the wedding made her light
up. I've never seen her like that ... I gotta do
this for her. Please.

RALPH
If it takes a catered affair to bring love to
the world I guess I can dance with my mother.
 66

JANEY
How do you lose a button every time you wear a
shirt?
Ralph, when Ma was talking I was wondering what
it's been like for her; all these years with
Pa.
MUSIC BEGINS: "DON'T EVER STOP
SAYING 'I LOVE YOU'"

I never stopped to think of my folks as

kids, crazy about each other. But they must have
been.
I'VE NEVER HEARD THEM SAY THE WAY THEY FEEL.
AS THINGS PROGRESS
WILL WE FEEL LESS?
THEY NEVER USE THOSE WORDS THAT MAKE LOVE REAL
THEY WON'T GO NEAR THE WORDS
AS THOUGH THEY FEAR THE WORDS
BUT ME, I MUST CONFESS,
I NEED TO HEAR THE WORDS
OFTEN
TO SOFTEN THIS DOUBTFULNESS ...

PLEAS,E, TELL ME
TICKLING MY EAR
FOR AS LONG AS IT'S SINCERE
DON'T EVER STOP SAYING "I LOVE YOU"

RALPH
I LOVE YOU ...

JANEY
PLEASE, GIVE ME
EV'RY SINGLE DAY
THAT THREE-SYLLABLE BOUQUET
DON'T EVER STOP SAYING "I LOVE YOU"

RALPH
... SO MUCH

JANEY
ACTIONS SPEAK LOUDER, SURE
LOVE CAN ENDURE
WITHOUT BEING TOLD

BUT I NEED REMINDING, YES

A VERBAL CARESS
TO KEEP OUT THE COLD
 67

RALPH
THEN YOU'LL NEVER BE COLD

JANEY
SO PLEASE, MORE THAN
I COULD EVER COUNT
THEN QUADRUPLE THAT AMOUNT
DON'T EVER STOP SAYING "I LOVE YOUn

JANEY & RALPH

CONTINUE TO GO
WHERE YOUR HEART IS LEADING YOU
JANEY
I WANT YOU SO
THAT I DON'T MIND NEEDING YOU

PLEASE, I'VE BEEN

OUT HERE ON MY OWN
NOW MAKE YOUR FEELINGS KNOWN
DON'T EVER STOP SAYING I LOVE YOU"
IT

RALPH
IT'S EASY TO SAY
IT'S EASY TO DO
I'VE NEVER LOVED ANYTH~NG
LIKE I LOVE YOU ...

JANEY
BUT I NEED REMINDING, LOTS
NO DIAMONDS OR YACHTS
JUST WHISPERED FORGET-ME-NOTS

RALPH embraces her in a kiss ...

and then climbs down the stairs.

JANEY watches as TOM en~ers the

kitchen below.

RALPH looks back up at JANEY.

RALPH
PLEASE, TRUST ME ANY DOUBTFUL DAY
TO KISS YOUR FEARS AWAY
I'LL NEVER STOP SAYING ...

AGGIE enters as TOM searches the

fridge for something to eat.
 68

RALPH & JANEY

I LOVE YOU.

AGGIE
Don't spoil your appetite, I'm making chops.

WINSTON escorts RALPH from the stage as

the scene in the kitchen continues ...

AGGIE
Oh, and you'll be happy to know that I got our
invitations down to sixty-seven. Our sixty-
seven and Halloran's seventy-five will save you
plenty. How about that?

JANEY
Not so fast. There's another little snag.

AGGIE
What are you talking about?

JANEY
Ma ... Ralph told me his mother is inviting
about a hundred and eighty people.

TOM
A hundred and how many???

AGGIE
No. I told her yesterday there'd be seventy-
five for us, seventy-five from them. I made a
big thing of how that's all the hall will hold.

TOM
A hundred and eighty! ' ,

JANEY
Ralph's mad about it too.

TOM
How much more's that gonna cost?

AGGIE
Would you stop carrying on?

TOM
I'm asking for a bit of information.
 69
AGGIE
Ralph must be wrong.

TOM
And didn't that woman say once we signed the
contract any extras would cost a premium? A
life savings flushed down the drain to feed
dinner to a bunch of strangers.

AGGIE goes to the phone.

AGGIE
There must be some mistake. I'm calling Mrs.
Halloran.

TOM
Every cent I have and before you're through
I'll be up to here in debt. It's criminal.

JANEY
7' Ma, maybe it's best we can the whole thing.
.\

AGGIE
I will not! Anyway, Ralph must be wrong.
~ (into phone)
Mrs. Halloran? This is Agnes Hurley. _
Oh, we're all fine, And how are you? _
Yeah. That's nice. Look, Mrs. Halloran, I just
wanted to go over the invitation list with you.
No, of course we wouldn't be inviting any of
the same people. But .. Just how many do you
think you'll be asking? _
A hundred and eighty-six????

TOM
(from the kitchen)
A hundred and eighty-six!

AGGIE
No, no, no. I just meant I thought we agreed
there'd be seventy-five for you and seventy-
five for us. -
Yeah, well ... I'll be talking to you. Yeah.
Goodbye.

AGGIE hangs up the phone.

AGGIE
I don't know what to tell your Pa. Go fix him
 70
something to eat. Maybe that will make him a
little more peaceful.

AGGIE exits.

SAM enters the apartment. JANEY

SAM silently watches from the fire escape.
Janey. Tom
(exci tedly)
Today's the day!

SAM
It's Wednesday. The down payment on the
medallion?

TOM
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. With all these goings on
I forgot.

SAM
Say, that's right. I heard you're getting
married, Jane. Many happy returns I'm sure.
So, let me have the check and I'll get out of
your hair.

TOM
(unable to even look at him)
Sam. I'm sorry, but I changed my mind.

SAM
You what?

TOM
Changed my mind. Sorry.

JANE overhears all of this.

SAM
You changed your mind? We've been waiting
twenty years to buy Pasternak's piece and you
changed your mind?

TOM
Maybe we waited too long. If you don't do it
young you kind of get past it.

SAM
 71

What the hell ... ?

TOM
Who needs to be the boss? Filling out papers
morning, noon and night. Okay, so you make a
few extra bucks, But you're working harder than
you did before and you got twice the
responsibility.

SAM
Is he pulling my leg?

TOM
I'm sorry, Sam.

SAM
Is something wrong? You in some kind of
trouble?

TOM
I can't do it. That's all.

AGGIE enters the room.

SAM wanders out as WINSTON enters

the scene excitedly with a box of
apricot colored corsages.

WINSTON
Aggie, my girl, look what I've been working on.
Boutonnieres for the boys, corsages for the
girls, and even a little something for the
Mother Of The Bride. Here, proud papa, try this
on for size.
(HE pins a flower on TOM)
I'm telling you, the things you can find at
Woolworths. And you'll be happy to know that my
friends Larry, Charlie and Kathleen can all
make the reception. And Keith, the silly-son-of-
a-bitch, said he wouldn't miss it for the
world.

TOM
Four more? Four more!

AGGIE
You asked all those people?

WINSTON
 72

Don't worry. I'll pay for them myself.

AGGIE
But we don't even know them.

WINSTON
And they don't know you. But that won't stop
them from having a good time.

TOM
If that don't beat all.
(exploding)
Let me tell you - There will be no Charlie or
Larry or anyone else. No more!

AGGIE
(trying to get between them)
Now, look here Tom ...

WINSTON
I said I'd pay for them myself l I'm already
paying for the hall. You listen up, Tom. I have
always tried to treat you with respect ...

TOM
Oh, shut up!

AGGIE
Don't yell at Winston. He said he'd pay.

TOM
Not another person. Not another dime! And not
another word about it!

WINSTON
If that's the way you feel I don't need to go
to your silly wedding either. And I don't need to spend
another night under your roof.

AGGIE
Now don't get up on your high horse ...

TOM
See you around!

AGGIE
Winston, it's been a long and trying day ...
 73

WINSTON
I've done everything to try and please you people
except disappear. We'll take care of that now.

WINSTON storms off.

TOM
Good riddance!

AGGIE
Was that really necessary?

TOM
Aggie, we're poor people. We got no business
carting a bunch of strangers around in
limousines?

AGGIE
Stop. My head is splitting.

TOM
And what about my head? You've ragged me for
twenty years about what a miser I am. Well,
I've found dollars hard to come by, and I'm
rightfully leery of ,letting them go. But I'm
sick to death of being put up in front of my
kids as a penny-pincher. I done the best I
could but nothing is ever enough for you. I
seen the way you look up to that Halloran,
bombasting on about all the money he spends.
I chauffeur his sort every day of the week.
They toss you a dime tip and then expect you to
kiss their ass for it. But you, you think
that's somehow to be admired.

AGGIE
Is it a crime to want something better for my
kid? So what if I don't want Jane's life
turning out like mine. So what if I don't want
to watch her scraping by day after day in a
loveless marriage; nothing to look forward to,
nothing to look back on, nothing but a lifetime
of days and nights filled with nothing.

JANE bursts into the room.

JANEY
Stop. It's over. I'm calling it off.

AGGIE
 74

Janey, your Pa and I are talking. Go back to your room.

JANEY
No. Nothing's worth this. I said yes to you and
two days later my best friend hates me, my
uncle's moving out, and my parents are on the
verge of divorce. So, enough. We're getting
married at City Hall tomorrow morning just like
we planned.

AGGIE
But the deposits ...

JANEY
I know you put money down on the hall and a
hundred on the dress ...

TOM
A hundred deposit? How much can one dress cost?

JANEY
Stop! It's finished. We'll pay you back every
cent and it's done.

AGGIE
But the invitations went out, and your uncle's
driving up from West Virginia ...

JANEY
So it's embarrassing. That's a whole lot better
than all this fighting and Pa having to give up
buying his taxi cab ...

TOM
Hey! The cab's none of your affair.

AGGIE
All right. All right. Fine. We won't have a
wedding. All right?

TOM and JANEY are stopped by

AGGIE'S surrender.

JANEY
Ma, I understand why you wanted to give me
this.

AGGIE
I said all right. I'll call the Hallorans.
 75

TOM
(Almost not believing what he's hearing)
No. I'll call them. It's my place to call them.
(no reaction from Aggie)
I'll go call Halloran.

TOM goes off.

JANEY
Ma ... ?

AGGIE
Go to bed. Didn't you always want to get an
early start? Make a good start. That's the
trick of it.

JANEY leaves the room.

AGGIE sits quietly trying to hold

down the volcano inside, but it's
no use. The tears spring forth
followed by uncontrollable sobs
and she surrenders to them wailing
a mournful cry.

TOM appears. HE watches for a

moment ...

TOM
Aggie? Aggie ....

SHE is done with her tears. SHE

pulls herself together, trying to
catch her breath.

AGGIE
Now, that was a dumb thing to do .

•, TOM

• Aggie, are you all right?

AGGIE
Jane go to bed?

TOM
She took down the suitcase. Must be packing.
Aggie, what's wrong with you?
 76

AGGIE
I cried. So what? I cried. Someone would
think I come down with leprosy.

TOM
You've gone off your rocker about this wedding.

AGGIE
It's not the wedding. Who cares about the
wedding? I just wanted to give our daughter something
before she left, but you ... You're a cold and
heartless thing, Tom Hurley. What kind of man
lets his child leave home, never to come back,
without a thought or care in the world?

TOM
She's getting married, Aggie. Not going to war.

AGGIE
Like that would make a difference?

TOM
Is this about Terrence?

AGGIE
Did you ever try talking him out of it? Did you
ever once tell him not to go?

TOM
How'd this get to be about Terrence?

AGGIE
You could have stopped him. You should have
made him go back to school ...

TOM
He was a grown man. I couldn't make him do
anything.

AGGIE
How do you know? Did you even try?

TOM
I was proud of him joining up.

AGGIE
And he's dead. Proud of that?
 77

TOM
It was his choice. It was his life.

AGGIE
And he lost it. And I lost him.

TOM
And I'm to blame. Sure. Why not?

MUSIC BEGINS: I STAYED

TOM
ME? ME AGAIN?
IT'S ALWAYS MY FAULT
IT'S ALWAYS HOW HAVE I LET YOU DOWN
IT'S ALWAYS YOU THE SAINT AND ME THE SINNER
ME THE MISER, YOU THE MISER'S WIFE
THE DISAPPOINTED ONE
PUT OUT, TICKED OFF
SPOILING FOR A FIGHT

WELL LET ME TELL YOU, AGGIE,

YOU'RE NO FANCY BARGAIN

AGGIE
You got your money's worth.·

TOM
NO, YOUR FATHER GOT HIS MONEY'S WORTH IN ME
WE ALWAYS ATE, THE RENT GOT PAID
DAY AND NIGHT I WORKED MY ASS OFF
AND I STAYED
A THOUSAND TIMES I COULD'VE LEFT, BUT I STAYED.

EVEN WHEN YOU MADE ME FEEL LIKE DIRT, I STAYED

HOWEVER MUCH MY PRIDE GOT HURT, I STAYED
ONE STEP AHEAD OF THE BILLS AND BANKS
NOT LIKE I EVER GOT ANY THANKS
BUT I STAYED.
NO MATTER HOW ROUGH IT'S BEEN WITH US, I STAYED
WHEN YOUR SISTERS BOTH MOVED IN WITH US, I STAYED
WHEN YOUR BROTHER NEEDED MONEY FOR THE STORE
I COULD'VE SHOWN HIM TO THE DOOR
BUT I LOANED HIM MONEY, THEN LOANED HIM MORE
AND FORGAVE THE DEBT
A FACT YOU MANAGE TO FORGET
WHEN YOU GIVE ME HELL FOR EVERY MISTAKE I MADE

AND AS YOUR TALLY OF MY FAULTS BEGINS TO MOUNT

 -------------------2
78

THE ONE BIG THING THAT NEVER EVER SEEMS TO COUNT

IS THAT I STAYED.
OF COURSE I WANT TO GIVE MY KID A WEDDING
BUT I THINK BLOWING TWENTY YEARS OF SAVINGS ON ONE NIGHT
ISN'T RIGHT
IS THAT A CRIME?
WHY CAN'T YOU SEE MY SIDE OF THINGS THIS ONE TIME?
I NEARLY HAD ANOTHER PIECE OF THE MEDALLION
I NEARLY MADE THAT DREAM COME TRJE
MAYBE WANTING IT SO MUCH WAS BEING SELFISH
BUT I WANTED IT FOR YOU

TO SHOW YOU I COULD MAKE A GO ...

TO PROVE I DIDN'T NEED YOUR FATHER'S DOUGH ...
I STUCK IT OUT WHEN TIMES GOT TOUGH
TO SHOW YOU I WAS GOOD ENOUGH
TO SHOW YOU I DESERVED YOU
AND TO PROVE TO YOU ... TO PROVE TO YOU ...
AHH, WHAT'S THE USE!

LOOK AROUND YOU, AGGIE, EVERYBODY'S LEAVING

IN ONE WAY OR ANOTHER THEY BROKE FREE
AND THE PERSON YOU'LL BE LIVING OUT YOUR DAYS WITH
IS ME
WHAT ABOUT ME?
I STAYED.

You say you're stuck in a loveless marriage?

I'm sorry you feel that way but don't put words
in my mouth.

TOM has run out of words. HE

studies AGGIE and then leaves.

MUSIC BEGINS: MARRIED Reprise

AGGIE takes stock of the room, goes to

the window, opens it wide and steps out
onto the fire escape where she takes in
the night sky ....

AGGIE
... AND YOUR WAIST IS NOT SO SLIM
YOU'LL STILL BE WITH HIM.

OH, I HAD TO HAVE HIM OR I THOUGHT THAT I WOULD DIE

WHAT DID THAT FEEL LIKE?
A GIRL HAS DREAMS BUT A WOMAN CAN ONLY SIGH
AT THE FOOL SHE WAS
 79

SHOULDN'T SOMEBODY HAVE TOLD ME SO?

SHOULDN'T MY FATHER HAVE TOLD ME NO?
COULDN'T I JUST HAVE LET HIM GO?
BUT I MADE MY BED
NOf;\7 I LIE AWAKE
WITH A SILENT MAN
AND A CONSTANT ACHE

IT'S THE ROAD I TOOK

OR THE ROAD TOOK ME
SO YOU MAKE THE BEST
THEN YOU LET IT BE

AND HE DID STAY ...

AND HE DID SAY
"Don't put words in my mouth."

As AGGIE watches the SUN RISES and dawn

breaks.
JANEY enters the kitchen, dressed
neatly for her big day and carrying a
suitcase.

JANEY
Ma? Can we take the transistor radio on the
trip?

AGGIE climbs back into the room.

AGGIE
Sure. Go ahead. I seen your light on most of
the night. You've been banging around since
dawn.

JANEY
I couldn't sleep.

AGGIE
I didn't sleep so good myself. Your Pa stayed
out 'til the bars closed.

JANEY
Where is he?

AGGIE
Sleeping it off.

JANEY
 80
(looking for reassurance)
You're not mad at him?

AGGIE
Mad? How can I be mad at what's been my whole
life?

SHE begins sewing a button back

onto TOM's suit jacket.
JANEY
You better wake him. We're due at ten.

AGGIE
You'll be housekeeping yourself soon. l

JANEY •
I was thinking that too.

AGGIE
Well, it's not the easiest thing day after day,
but you get used to it.

JANEY
I'm so jumpy. I can't even sit down.

AGGIE
I'd say a girl on her wedding day ought to be a
bit jumpy. You look nice. Are the girls taking
you for breakfast?

JANEY
I'm already late. You'll be there, right?

AGGIE
We'll make it. Go on.

JANEY
Here's your last shot for the birds and bees.

AGGIE
Jane ... Be happy. Go!

JANEY rushes out the door as

WINSTON enters with his hat, coat
and suitcase.
WINSTON
I put fresh sheets on the fold out - It's all
 81

ready in case I need to make a hasty retreat.

AGGIE
Where are you off to?

WINSTON
I'm meeting Keith for coffee.

AGGIE
With a suitcase?

WINSTON
Who am I to deny another his happiness?

AGGIE
Terry gone, Jane gone ... Y'know, we've never
been alone, Tom and me. Not from the first day
we were married. It's a funny thing, but there
were always other people around. So, after all
these years, something new: Tom and me alone.
(she's frightened herself)
You know this will always be your home.

WINSTON
This will never be my home. Keith's right. Who am I here? A
familial person seeking a bit of shelter and
warmth from someone else's hearth. Just an uncle.

AGGIE
Oh, Win ...

WINSTON
(stopping her)
But to that silly son of a bitch, I'm
immediate family. The danger is that anyone can
become an uncle, even in their own home, if
they forget who they come to be with. Oh, don't
look at me that way. I don't want to depend on
someone else any more than you. But we can
stomp our feet 'til doomsday, the earth won't
flatten out for us.

MUSIC BEGINS: "CONEY ISLAND"

So, Aggie my girl, what can we do?

IT SEEMS THE WORLD'S DIVIDED UP IN PAIRS
I USED TO THINK WE TOOK THAT NOAH'S ARK THING WAY TOO FAR
BUT NOW I THINK WE'RE MEANT TO BE WITH SOMEONE ELSE
 82

LIKE A MIRROR, SOMEONE WE CAN'T FOOL

WHO KEEPS US HONEST, KNOWS US THROUGH AND THROUGH

AGGIE
Who? Tom?

WINSTON
I REMEMBER YOU AND ME AS KIDS
THE TIME WE WENT TO CONEY ISLAND
AND I MADE YOU RIDE THE ROLLER-COASTER
FROM THE START YOU CLOSED YOUR EYES
AND AT THE END YOU LOOKED ALL LOST AND SAD
YOU PAID YOUR MONEY, TOOK THE RIDE BUT MISSED THE VIEW

Listen: YOU'RE HALFWAY THROUGH ANOTHER RIDE

,
\

DON'T WAIT UNTIL THE SCARY FEELINGS PASS ~

JUST TAKE A BREATH AND OPEN UP YOUR EYES RIGHT NOW.
s
HE leaves his suitcase behind just
where he did at the opening of the
show.

WINSTON
Come have coffee with us.

AGGIE
I'll wait for Tom.

WINSTON
Good girl.

WINSTON moves upstage to watch

invisibly.

TOM enters.

TOM
The girl dressed?

AGGIE
She's gone ahead with her friends.

TOM
Winston?

AGGIE
Gone with his.

TOM
 83

Aggie, I been thinking ... About last night ...

AGGIE
Here, I fixed your jacket for you.

SHE holds out the jacket to him.

HE reaches out toward her ...

TOM
I was wrong. We should've had a special
something for her. It's a big thing; gettin'
married.

SHE hands off the clothes awkwardly.

AGGIE
Janey's getting married just the way she wants.
And you and me will be there watching. There's
nothing wrong in that.

TOM
IT'S A BIG THING STAYIN' MARRIED.
(studying her)
We've been doing it a long time.

AGGIE
Too long? Too long a time?

TOM
To know somebody? It's like a day.

AGGIE
Finish up or we'll be late.

LIVING ROOM - CONTINUOUS

AGGIE goes straight for the

government check.

SHE studies it for a moment and

then puts it back on the table.
SHE picks up the receiver of the
phone and dials ...

MUSIC BEGINS: VISION ORCHESTRAL

AGGIE
Hello? Mr Pasternak? It's Agnes Hurley. About
your share of the taxi ... I assume you'll take
 84

a check .... Good.

WINSTON ushers the TAXI center

Stage and drops the keys next to
AGGIE's purse where she finds them.

TOM enters dressed for the wedding and

sees the cab.

TOM
Was that Pasternak I seen dropping off the cab?
What's it doing here? I ain't driving 'til the
night shift?

AGGIE
Tom Hurley, would you have me waiting for a bus
while my only living daughter gets married.
You will drive me downtown and that's that.
Besides, I want to see the look on Halloran's
face when you pull up to City Hall in your very
own Taxi.

SHE gives the keys to him.

MUSIC SEGUES: DON'T EVER STOP SAYING I

LOVE YOU - (REPRISE).

JANEY and RALPH are now on the

upstage fire escape singing to
each other.
The COMPANY appears as WE witness the
wedding vows of JANEY and RALPH.

JANEY & RALPH

SO EASY TO SAY
A SIMPLE "I DO"
AND ALL OF LIFE'S QUESTIONS
ARE ANSWERED IN YOU

JANEY
BUT GOOD TO REMIND ME WHEN
I GET A YEN
TO BE REASSURED AGAIN ... AND AGAIN ... AND AGAIN ...

RALPH
 85

PLEASE, HEAR ME
WHEN I TELL YOU THIS
AS SURE AS OUR FIRST KISS

JANEY & RALPH

I'LL NEVER STOP SAYING ...

THEY are silenced in a kiss.

TOM
(sings to AGGIE)
I LOVE YOU.

MUSIC BEGINS: "CONEY ISLAND"

WINSTON
WE STUMBLE 'ROUND THIS COMPLICATED WORLD
A SCARY PLACE WHERE NO ONE HAS THE PERFECT BOOK OF RULES
FOR GETTING THROUGH IT
SO AFRAID WE'VE GOT IT WRONG
AND SOMEHOW SURE WE'RE IN IT ALL ALONE
EVEN AS WE'RE WALKING HAND IN HAND

WINSTON walks towards his suitcase and takes

it in hand.

COMPANY
THINK ABOUT A MOMENT IN YOUR LIFE
A TIME WHEN YOU WERE FEELING LIKE A FRIGHTENED LITTLE KID
ON A ROLLER-COASTER
FROM THE START YOU CLOSED YOUR EYES
AND AT THE END YOU LOOKED ALL LOST AND SAD
YOU PAID YOUR MONEY, TOOK THE RIDE BUT MISSED THE VIEW

WINSTON
YOU'RE HALFWAY THROUGH ANOTHER RIDE
DON'T WAIT UNTIL THE SCARY FEELINGS PASS
JUST TAKE A BREATH AND OPEN UP YOUR EYES RIGHT NOW.

WINSTON turns for a last look at

the world upstage as a FINAL CHORD
rings out and the lights restore
the stage to the semi-darkness of
the pre-set.
 86

WINSTON picks up the suitcase and exits.

THE END