Twelve Fail-Safe Ways to Charm Witches:

Lessons from Ron's Wooing of Hermione

By David M. Martin

This work was first presented at the Leakycon 2011 Conference in Orlando,
Florida. It has been presented at several other conferences since then and always
gets a lot of laughs.
Twelve Fail-Safe Ways to Charm Witches: Lessons from Ron's Success with Hermione.

Introduction
On Ronald Weasley's seventeenth birthday (March first) in Harry-Potter and the Half-Blood Prince Ron
was given a book by his older brothers Fred and George: Twelve Fail-Safe Ways to Charm Witches. (That
was the day when Ron accidentally ate the Chocolate Cauldrons containing Romilda Vane's love potion
and then nearly died from drinking poisoned mead with Professor Slughorn. Not one of Ron's better
birthdays, as Fred said at the time.) When Ron recovered enough to read the book, he was apparently
impressed because he then gave a copy of it to Harry Potter on Harry's 17th birthday five months later
(July 31st) in chapter seven of Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows. Ron had this to say about the book
at that time:
"This isn't your average book," said Ron. "It's pure gold: Twelve Fail-Safe
Ways to Charm Witches. Explains everything you need to know about girls.
If only I'd had this last year I'd have known exactly how to get rid of Lavender
and I would've known how to get going with... Well, Fred and George gave
me a copy, and I've learned a lot. You'd be surprised; it's not all about wand
work, either." (DH, page 113)
You will recall that just before Ron's 17th birthday he and Hermione were barely speaking. You will also
recall that 14 months and about 700 pages later, during the Battle of Hogwarts,
There was a clatter as the basilisk fangs cascaded out of Hermione’s arms.
Running at Ron, she flung them around his neck and kissed him full on the
mouth. (DH, page 625)
What changed? Probably not Hermione, so it must have been Ron – or more specifically, Ron's
behavior. And maybe that "Ways to Charm" book had something to do with it.
So, using our common sense, looking at the behavior of Ron (and other characters), and making
some guesses, let's try to imagine what the "Ways to Charm" book said.
The first thing we know about this book is that it came from Fred and George. Really? Those
jokers? On the other hand, at Fleur and Bill’s wedding Fred and George did manage to disappear
during the reception with a couple of Fleur’s Veela cousins, so maybe they weren’t totally clueless.
(I wonder if perhaps Hermione, who knows books well, discovered this book and then slipped it to
the twins with the suggestion that they should give it to Ron.)
We should begin by remembering that the Ways to Charm book was written for seventeen year old
males – prime examples of young masculinity, emerging into true manhood, full of courage and
ready for adventure.
In other words, the Ways to Charm book was written for morons.
The Ways to Charm book probably started with an introduction like this…

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Twelve Fail-Safe Ways to Charm Witches: Lessons from Ron's Success with Hermione.

Twelve Fail-Safe Ways to Charm Witches

Introduction
Congratulations, young wizard. You have come of age (or soon will) and have
begun to notice witches. By now you have probably noticed one of the most
important things about them: they're all crazy. That you have noticed this is
indicates that you are a man of clear-sighted intelligence. The point of this
book is to show you how to deal with that craziness.
The first thing, of course, is to decide which of these delightful creatures you
wish to charm. In selecting this fortunate girl, you must be wise enough not to
go for looks alone. Really beautiful witches can sometimes be more trouble
than they're worth. Instead, begin by thinking carefully about yourself –
specifically, about what you think is really important in life. Business success?
Books? Having a lot of fun? Whatever it may be, the next step is to find a
witch who values (at least approximately) the same things. Once you have
found such a witch, the charms in this book should prove effective.
So is it just a matter of finding the right person? Only partially. It is also a
matter of being the right person.
We shall assume that, having surveyed and rationally evaluated the witches
around you, you have selected one whose affection you wish to win. We shall
refer to this fortunate woman as "your witch" in full confidence that she will
soon be exactly that.
The first thing to understand – let us acknowledge this frankly – is that you are
starting from behind. Although you may just now be noticing witches, they
have been noticing (and evaluating, and discussing) you for years.
In the hall, you might say "Hi" to a witch. In a nook, in a doorway, in a subhall
of the hall that witch and her friends will be analyzing the "Hi" for tone, pitch,
timbre, level of enthusiasm, accompanying smile - or lack thereof - demeanor,
head movement, neck direction, gate, swagger, and of course, sincerity.
In Potions class you will be assigned a project with a group of students that
will include a witch. In the dorm that evening that witch and her friends, will
consult a Ouija board, Tarot cards, an apple stem, dandelion fluff, horoscopes,
Witch Weekly quizzes, older sisters, and possibly even the almighty Herself as
to the site of your first kiss, the design of her wedding dress, the names of your
children, and the kind of glasses you would look best in.1
A witch's imagination is very rapid; it jumps from admiration to love, from
love to matrimony, in a moment.

1
Adapted from "A Mother's Duty: Preparing Boys for Girls" by Gwen Macsai, at
http://www.npr.org/templates/story/story.php?storyId=4784374

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Twelve Fail-Safe Ways to Charm Witches: Lessons from Ron's Success with Hermione.

Fortunately, due to your superior wizard's intellect, with guidance from this
book you will be able to catch up with the witches in just a day or two. You
will also be ahead of wizards who have been so foolish as to not buy this book.
The next thing to understand is that, although you are clearly a paragon of
masculine excellence, your witch, naturally not being as clever as you, may not
yet have perceived your obvious virtues. A major goal of the charms that we
present in this book will be to enlighten her on this point.

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Twelve Fail-Safe Ways to Charm Witches: Lessons from Ron's Success with Hermione.

The First Charm

So now it’s time to look at the Harry Potter novels and find an instance of a wizard – a male – behaving
badly. There are so many such instances to choose from! But we only need one to get started.
To give us a clue for the first charm, let’s go to book six (Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince).
Specifically, let’s go to Slughorn’s Christmas party. As we all recall, that was the party where Hermione
went with Cormac McLaggen just because she wanted to irritate Ron. But it didn’t work out so well.
Here is Hermione during the party complaining about Cormac McLaggen:
“Quidditch!” said Hermione angrily. “Is that all boys care about? Cormac hasn’t asked
me one single question about myself. " (HBP, page 318)
Cormac had clearly not charmed Hermione, and her comment even tells us pretty clearly what he should
have done instead – specifically, he should have focused on her. And there are many examples –
especially in the seventh book (Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows) after Ron comes back – when Ron
clearly did listen to Hermione and pay close attention to what she said. When the three returned to
Hogwarts, Ron had even learned from her that "food’s one of the five exceptions to Gamp’s Law of
Elemental Transfiguration."
So the "Ways to Charm" book might have said something like this…

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Twelve Fail-Safe Ways to Charm Witches: Lessons from Ron's Success with Hermione.

The First Charm – Listening to Your Witch

Listen to your witch. This may be harder than you think. Of course what she
says will often be irrational and silly – that's part of why we love them – and of
course your ideas about any topic under discussion will be better and more
interesting than hers. It doesn't matter. The wise wizard will hold his tongue
and listen to his witch talk no matter how boring that may be.
This listening must not be passive, must not just be waiting for your turn to
talk. The point is to play the clever detective, to listen for clues that will help
you know your witch better. If necessary, prompt her with questions about
herself. She is a special and unique individual, or you would not have selected
her. It is a foolish wizard who tries to charm his witch by doing "what girls
like" – sending flowers, for example. The wise wizard who has listened to his
witch might discover that she is allergic to flowers but loves butterbeer. You do
not charm your witch by doing "what girls like." You charm your witch by
doing what this girl likes.
About the way witches talk: You, being a wizard, understand that the purpose
of conversation is to exchange ideas and information and that, obviously, this
is done with words. In short, you talk with your mouth and listen with your
ears, which is sensible.
Your witch, however, developed her style of conversation mostly by talking to
other girls and so for her the point of a conversation is also to convey feelings
and establish closeness. To do this, your witch "talks" not just with her mouth
but with her whole face. She smiles, she frowns, she wrinkles her forehead or
moves her eyebrows.
A witch's conversation is a dramatic performance, and your job is to be a good
audience. Therefore to accurately listen to your witch you must use your eyes
as well as your ears. You must watch her face to figure out what's going on.
(Watching her face makes it easy to maintain eye contact as well, which tells
her that you are paying attention to her. The attention and eye contact are
charms in and of themselves.)
One final note about listening to your witch. She will often complain – about
the weather, about her job, about anything. When she complains in this way,
what she wants from you is never advice and only rarely is it help. Almost
always the reaction she wants from you is sympathy. She is venting. A simple,
sympathetic comment such as "Oh, that's too bad" or "You must have been
disappointed" is usually the best response. It is part of a witch's craziness that
she would rather complain about a problem than solve it, and woe to the foolish
wizard who offers un-asked for advice or help instead.

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Twelve Fail-Safe Ways to Charm Witches: Lessons from Ron's Success with Hermione.

The Second Charm

Looking at the Harry Potter novels again for a bad example – for a relationship that is not going well –
let's go back to Christmas in the sixth book. Your will remember that at that point in the story Ron and
Lavender Brown were spending a lot of time kissing. Now on Christmas morning, up in Ron's room at
the Burrow…
Harry woke with a start to find a bulging stocking lying over the end of his bed. He put
on his glasses and looked around; the tiny window was almost completely obscured
with snow and, in front of it, Ron was sitting bolt upright in bed and examining what
appeared to be a thick gold chain.
“What’s that?” asked Harry.
“It’s from Lavender,” said Ron, sounding revolted. “She can’t honestly think I’d wear…”
Harry looked more closely and let out a shout of laughter. Dangling from the chain in
large gold letters were the words:
“My Sweetheart”
“Nice,” he said. “Classy. You should definitely wear it in front of Fred and George.”
“If you tell them,” said Ron, shoving the necklace out of sight under his pillow, “I — I —
I’ll—”
“Stutter at me?” said Harry, grinning. “Come on, would I?”
“How could she think I’d like something like that, though?” Ron demanded of thin air,
looking rather shocked.
“Well, think back,” said Harry. “Have you ever let it slip that you’d like to go out in public
with the words ‘My Sweetheart’ round your neck?”
“Well… we don’t really talk much,” said Ron. “It’s mainly…”
“Snogging,” said Harry.
“Well, yeah,” said Ron.
Apparently a relationship that is mainly snogging doesn't work too well. What seems to be missing is
talking. In the film version of Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire (though not in the book) Hermione
complains that she and Victor Krum don't do much talking. ("Actually, we don't really talk at all. …
Mostly he watches me study.")
For good examples, most of the time – through most of the books – Ron and Hermione do a lot of
talking about everything under the sun. And even Moaning Myrtle seems to develop feelings for Draco
Malfoy later in book six because he talks to her.
So the "Ways to Charm" book might have said something like this…

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Twelve Fail-Safe Ways to Charm Witches: Lessons from Ron's Success with Hermione.

The Second Charm – Talking with Your Witch

Talk with your witch. (Notice that this charm comes after listening to your
witch. The listening needs to come first.)
As with the listening charm, the point here is for you and your witch to know
each other better. Your witch will naturally be curious about someone as
remarkable as you are. So, over time, you need to tell your witch about
yourself. Not all at once, of course. Coming from someone as impressive as you
are, that could overwhelm her. Tell her about yourself just a little bit at a time.
Tell her about your past (though it may be wise to skip over any previous
girlfriends.) Tell her about your hopes and fears for the future. If she doesn't
already know them, tell her about your family.
As you talk to your witch, watch her and pay attention to her reactions. As
with listening, eye contact is important. You are talking for her benefit, so if
she looks puzzled, or happy, or offended, or if she laughs, you need to react
appropriately to that.
Be modest. Don't brag, because you don't need to. You are a wizard, one of
nature's finest creations. Just stick to the facts and she’s sure to be impressed.
It is enough to say that you play Quidditch. You don't need to add that your
team won the World Cup. If you've been elected Minister of Magic, just say
that you work in the ministry. If she asks for details you should, of course,
answer her questions directly and honestly or she'll think you're hiding
something, but don't bore her with things she's not interested in.
These first two charms are important because research by the Department of
Mysteries has shown that legilimency between witches and wizards is highly
unreliable. There seems to be a naturally occurring, unintentional occlumency
between the genders. As the leader in this relationship, it is your duty to
initiate the listening and talking that it takes to deal with any potential source
of misunderstandings.
Good communication between you and your witch is vital, and it doesn't just
happen by magic. But a wizard as talented as you are will be able to figure out
how to achieve it.

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Twelve Fail-Safe Ways to Charm Witches: Lessons from Ron's Success with Hermione.

The Third Charm

Looking in the books for clues again, in book seven (Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows) shortly after
Ron gives Harry a copy of the "Ways to Charm" book, we have this passage:
Hermione made purple and gold streamers erupt from the end of her wand and drape
themselves artistically over the trees and bushes.

"Nice," said Ron, as with one final flourish of her wand, Hermione turned the leaves on
the crabapple tree to gold. "You've really got an eye for that sort of thing."

"Thank you, Ron!" said Hermione, looking both pleased and a little confused. Harry
turned away, smiling to himself. He had a funny notion that he would find a chapter on
compliments when he found time to peruse his copy of Twelve Fail-Safe Ways to Charm
Witches. (DH, pages 118-119)

So we can pretty much take it for granted that there is a chapter in the "Ways to Charm" book on
compliments. It probably goes something like this…

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Twelve Fail-Safe Ways to Charm Witches: Lessons from Ron's Success with Hermione.

The Third Charm – Complimenting Your Witch

Compliment your witch whenever possible. This will make her happy to hear
your voice.
What should you compliment her about? First and foremost, anything that she
does that she herself is proud of. If she is proud of her potions, then compliment
her on that, even though you are surely a better potion maker than she is.
Should you compliment her on her appearance? This is a tricky issue, and the
answers are not at first obvious.
If your witch is exceptionally beautiful, perhaps even part Veela, do NOT
compliment her on her beauty. She hears that all the time. If you compliment
her on her beauty, she will think you are just another wizard who sees only her
beautiful exterior. Instead, compliment her on her kindness, or her sense of
humor, or her courage, or any virtue she may have in addition to her
conspicuous beauty. She will then think, "Wonderful! Here is a man who sees
past my gorgeous exterior to the real me."
If your witch is exceptionally plain, perhaps even part troll, again do NOT
compliment her on her beauty. If you do so, she will know that you are lying
and will not trust you. As in the previous case, find some other virtue on
which to compliment her. She will then think, "Wonderful! Here is a man who
sees past my plain exterior to the real me."
Between these two extremes, complimenting a witch on her appearance is
usually a safe move because that is what she wants to hear. In complimenting
your witch on her appearance, never mention her weight or any specific body
part between her neck and her ankles. Just say that she looks nice.
Should you compliment your witch on her intelligence? Yes – always. Even if
she's dim and even more so if she's especially smart.
Smart witches are a great opportunity for the wise young wizard. Many
young wizards fear smart witches, mistakenly believing that a wizard must be
smarter than his witch or she won't respect him. A smart young witch, aware
that many young wizards think this way, is thus faced with a painful dilemma:
either hide her intelligence so that young wizards won't be afraid of her or
allow her brains to show and risk being lonely.
This, then, creates your opportunity: You can rescue such a smart witch from
her painful dilemma, gain her gratitude and perhaps even win her affection by
simply complimenting her on her intelligence. This says to her "I know that
you are smart and I like that about you. Your intelligence does not make me
afraid of you." Smart witches are the most interesting people to be around;
they know how to have the most fun. And you'll have little or no competition.

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Twelve Fail-Safe Ways to Charm Witches: Lessons from Ron's Success with Hermione.

The Fourth Charm

Looking again for an example of wizards behaving badly….. Let’s go back to book four (Harry Potter and
the Goblet of Fire), to the woods after the Quidditch World Cup:
Farther still along the path, they walked into a patch of silvery light, and when they
looked through the trees, they saw three tall and beautiful Veela standing in a clearing,
surrounded by a gaggle of young wizards, all of whom were talking very loudly.
“I pull down about a hundred sacks of Galleons a year!” one of them shouted. “I’m a
dragon killer for the Committee for the Disposal of Dangerous Creatures.”
“No, you’re not!” yelled his friend. “You’re a dishwasher at the Leaky Cauldron… but I’m
a vampire hunter, I’ve killed about ninety so far -”
A third young wizard, whose pimples were visible even by the dim, silvery light of the
Veela, now cut in, “I’m about to become the youngest ever Minister of Magic, I am.”
Harry snorted with laughter. He recognized the pimply wizard: His name was Stan
Shunpike, and he was in fact a conductor on the triple-decker Knight Bus. He turned to
tell Ron this, but Ron’s face had gone oddly slack, and next second Ron was yelling, “Did
I tell you I’ve invented a broomstick that’ll reach Jupiter?”
“Honestly!” said Hermione, and she and Harry grabbed Ron firmly by the arms, wheeled
him around, and marched him away. (GOF, pages 125-126)
The wizards are trying to get the Veela interested in them. The proper name for this activity – for trying
to get a girl interested in you – is flirting. These wizards are doing it badly and are failing at it. They are
not failing just because they are lying; they would fail almost as badly even if everything they said were
true. These wizards are failing because they are talking about themselves when they should be talking
about the Veela.
For a more successful flirting session, reread the happy back-and-forth between Ron and Hermione at
the wedding in book seven (Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows) just before Viktor Krum arrives. It
begins with Ron saying "You look great" to Hermione and runs on through some laughter about Aunt
Muriel and Uncle Bilius to Hermione saying "You amaze me" to Ron. (DH, pages 142-143)
So one of the charms in the "Ways to Charm" book must have been about flirting. It might have been
something like this…

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The Fourth Charm – Flirting with Your Witch

Flirt with your witch. When this charm is done properly, she will be eager to
spend more time with you.
The basic ingredients of flirting are:
 Smiling – a full eyes-and-lips smile that says that you're happy to see her.
 Maintaining eye contact – to show that you are interested in her.
 Projecting confidence – to show that you are a wizard in control of himself.
 Making light conversation – to keep things moving.
A foolish wizard may believe that the key to successful flirting is to convince
his witch that he is important and interesting. Even though it is true that you
are important and interesting – we wizards are, after all, impressive people -
it's the wrong approach.
Not being as sensible and mature as you are, your witch will naturally be self-
centered. The key to successful flirting is to use that self-centeredness: She is
interested in herself, and so you just have to share her interest. As far as
possible, make the conversation be about her: her ideas, her clothes, her plans,
her interests. (You will note that this charm works well together with the
listening charm mentioned previously.) When the talk does stray away from
her, keep it light and funny. More witches have been charmed by a good sense
of humor than by a vault in Gringotts.
The key to flirting is not showing your witch how wonderful you are, but
showing her how wonderful she is. In her mind, she is the star of the story.
You just have to show her that you would be a good supporting character in
her story.

NOTE – If, by this point, in your efforts to win a witch’s affection, she is still
showing no interest in you, drop her. If she is so dull that she has not yet begun
to appreciate what a wonderful person you are, she is obviously too dull and
too lacking in good taste to be a suitable partner for someone as excellent as
you. Go back to the beginning, start over, and find a smarter witch.

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The Fifth Charm

In all of the Harry Potter books, a lot of time is spent with our characters eating and drinking together:
In the Great Hall at Hogwarts, around the Weasleys' dining table, at number 12 Grimmauld Place, in the
Leaky Cauldron and other places. This is where life happens, where significant conversations take place,
where relationships are built. Or destroyed.
But when the eating and drinking together don't go well, it means that there is a real problem in the
relationship. We only need to remember Harry and Cho's disastrous date in Madam Puddifoot’s
teashop in book five (Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix) or the bitter words between Ron and
Hermione about the poor quality of the food Hermione prepared in book seven (Harry Potter and the
Deathly Hallows). It was at the end of that chapter (chapter 15, The Goblin's Revenge) that Ron left.
So the "Ways to Charm" book should have something about eating together in it. It was probably
something like this …

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The Fifth Charm – Eating Together with Your Witch

Many great wizards – and Muggle wisemen as well – have been perplexed by
the question of what women want. Actually, women are simple creatures and
so this is a simple question with a simple answer. What women want is lunch –
or dinner – or whatever meal is coming up next.
Feed your witch. Take her out to dinner, at the Leaky Cauldron or some fine
Muggle restaurant. If you have the skill, prepare dinner for her yourself. The
way to a witch's heart is through her stomach. And this does not mean using
love potions or too much mulled mead.
Eating together should be seen in the context of a healthy dating relationship.
There are three possible parts to a date, of which at least two must be offered:
entertainment, food, and affection. It is customary to begin a series of dates
with a great deal of entertainment, a moderate amount of food, and the merest
suggestion of affection. If the series of dates continues, the amount of affection
may be increased and the entertainment can be reduced proportionately.
When the affection IS the entertainment, we no longer call it dating. Under no
circumstances may food be omitted. 2
A wise wizard knows that sharing a meal is the stuff that life is made of, and it
is therefore a necessary part of any date.
Further, sitting across from one another at a table is a great setting for
continuing the charms already mentioned: listening, talking, complimenting
and flirting. Just make sure that you don't laugh too much when your mouth is
full of food.
And while we're on the subject, realize that when you ask a witch out to dinner
you are asking her to watch you eat. So make sure that she's not in for a
spectacle similar to watching a basilisk or troll dine. If you've forgotten proper
table manners, just ask your mother and she'll explain them to you.

2
Miss Manners' Guide to Excruciatingly Correct Behavior

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The Sixth Charm

Let's look at a really bad bit of behavior on Ron's part, from Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire. I'm sure
we all remember this scene. This was part of the struggle Ron and Harry had to find dates for the Yule
Ball:
Ron was staring at Hermione as though suddenly seeing her in a whole new light.
“Hermione, Neville’s right - you are a girl…”
“Oh well spotted,” she said acidly.
“Well - you can come with one of us!”
“No, I can’t,” snapped Hermione.
“Oh come on,” he said impatiently, “we need partners, we’re going to look really stupid
if we haven’t got any, everyone else has…”
“I can’t come with you,” said Hermione, now blushing, “because I’m already going with
someone.”
“No, you’re not!” said Ron. “You just said that to get rid of Neville!”
“Oh did I?” said Hermione, and her eyes flashed dangerously. “Just because it’s taken
you three years to notice, Ron, doesn’t mean no one else has spotted I’m a girl!” (GOF,
page 400)
But by book seven Ron has learned a few things. Here's a passage from fairly early on in Harry Potter
and the Deathly Hallows, after they've just spent their first night in Number 12 Grimmauld Place. You
will recall that on that first night they all camped in the drawing room in sleeping bags because
Hermione didn't want to be on her own.
Harry woke early next morning, wrapped in a sleeping bag on the drawing room floor. A
chink of sky was visible between the heavy curtains. It was the cool, clear blue of
watered ink, somewhere between night and dawn, and everything was quiet except for
Ron and Hermione’s slow, deep breathing. Harry glanced over at the dark shapes they
made on the floor beside him. Ron had had a fit of gallantry and insisted that Hermione
sleep on the cushions from the sofa, so that her silhouette was raised above his. Her
arm curved to the floor, her fingers inches from Ron’s. Harry wondered whether they
had fallen asleep holding hands. The idea made him feel strangely lonely. (DH, page 176,
emphasis added)
What had Ron learned? He had learned to treat Hermione in a way that let her know that he knew that
she was a girl, and that being a girl was special. So the "Ways to Charm" book might have said
something like this…

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The Sixth Charm – Honoring Your Witch's Femininity

Let’s be honest, gentlemen. When we were little boys, we didn’t really like girls.
They were prissy, and always got better grades in school, and didn’t joke
around the way we did. This was a normal and understandable attitude when
we were ten years old.
The girls noticed. They didn't like it that the worst thing one young boy can
say to another is "you run like a girl" or "you throw like a girl" or (worst of all)
"you are a girl." Why should what a witch is (namely, a girl) be an insult?
So that causes a problem for us now. Just because you still occasionally like to
indulge in the manly practice of making noises with your armpit, your witch
might get the mistaken idea that you have not matured and still don’t like girls.
To charm your witch away from this false impression, there is a classic and,
unfortunately, now partially forgotten, charm – gallantry: honoring your
witch’s femininity. Basically this means treating her as though she were
physically disabled and you were her faithful house elf: open doors for her,
follow the "ladies first" rule, carry her books, help her with her traveling cloak,
offer her your arm when you cross the street. And if you really want to go all
the way, stand when she enters the room. True, your witch is perfectly capable
of opening doors and putting on her travelling cloak by herself, but your help
sends these messages:
 I know that you are a girl and I like that about you.
 Being a girl is special and important and valuable.
 I like you and I am paying attention to you.
Your witch will love it.
Another part of gallantry is dancing. You may not like dancing. It doesn’t
matter. You may not be a good dancer. That’s not a problem. Just try not to
step on her feet, and if you’re really concerned, cast a “duro” spell on her shoes
ahead of time to protect her toes.
Your skill as a dancer is not very important because, for most witches, going to
a dance is mostly about the dress, and everything after that is secondary. Just
be sure to bring her a corsage that will match her dress and/or her eyes.
Dancing with your witch also accomplishes two main things:
1. It is yet another way of saying, unmistakably, "I am paying attention to
you."
2. It gets both of you used to being in each other's arms – which is,
obviously, a step in the right direction.

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Twelve Fail-Safe Ways to Charm Witches: Lessons from Ron's Success with Hermione.

The Seventh Charm

Hermione is our heroine, but she’s also dangerous. She not only has formidable magical powers, she
also has a bad temper. Back in book three (Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban) she slaps Draco
Malfoy. (OK, he deserved it.) And twice (once in book six and once in book seven) she ATTACKS Ron –
something she never does to Harry.
Let’s talk about that incident in book six (Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince). What provoked
Hermione's bird attack on Ron? His kissing Lavender Brown, of course. (HBP, page 302) Later on in
book six, Lavender Brown breaks up with Ron when she believes (incorrectly) that Hermione and Ron
have been alone together upstairs in the boys’ tower. (HBP, page 478)
The point is, both Hermione and Lavender want an exclusive relationship. All girls do. And 17 year-old
boys are clueless enough that this would have to be spelled out for them. So in the "Ways to Charm"
book there was probably something like this…

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Twelve Fail-Safe Ways to Charm Witches: Lessons from Ron's Success with Hermione.

The Seventh Charm – Being Faithful to Your Witch

You can only date one witch at a time.
We realize, of course, that this will mean unfairly depriving all the other
witches who would benefit from your time and attention, but part of the
mentality with which we are dealing here is that your witch will undoubtedly
insist on being the ONLY witch that you pay attention to. And there’s no point
in discussing this. No witch in history has ever been willing to share her
wizard.
As one of Celestina Warbeck's old songs put it "I don't care if it's only
chickenfeed, as long as I know that I'm the only chicken you feed."
Further, when talking with your witch it is bad form – and bad strategy – to
ever mention other witches that you may have dated in the past if you can
possibly avoid it. Every witch wants to at least pretend that she is your first
girlfriend. This is a harmless illusion and it is best to indulge her in this
fantasy.

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Twelve Fail-Safe Ways to Charm Witches: Lessons from Ron's Success with Hermione.

The Eighth Charm

Here’s a bad example, from book three (Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban.) You will recall that
there was a time when Ron and Hermione weren’t speaking because it appeared that Hermione's cat
Crookshanks had eaten Ron's pet rat Scabbers. This only ended when Hermione brought them Hagrid’s
letter saying that he and his hippogriff Buckbeak had lost in their appearance before the Committee for
the Disposal of Dangerous Creatures and Buckbeak was going to be executed as a dangerous creature.
Here’s what happened (emphasis added):
“They can’t do this,” said Harry. “They can’t. Buckbeak isn’t dangerous.”
“Malfoy’s dad’s frightened the Committee into it,” said Hermione, wiping her eyes.
“You know what he’s like. They’re a bunch of doddery old fools, and they were scared.
There’ll be an appeal, though, there always is. Only I can’t see any hope… Nothing will
have changed.”
“Yeah, it will,” said Ron fiercely. “You won’t have to do all the work alone this time,
Hermione. I’ll help.”
“Oh, Ron!”
Hermione flung her arms around Ron’s neck and broke down completely. Ron, looking
quite terrified, patted her very awkwardly on the top of the head. Finally, Hermione
drew away.
“Ron, I’m really, really sorry about Scabbers…” she sobbed.
“Oh — well — he was old,” said Ron, looking thoroughly relieved that she had let go of
him. “And he was a bit useless. You never know, Mum and Dad might get me an owl
now.” (POA, pages 291-292. emphasis added)
However, three plus years (and books) later at Dumbledore’s funeral in Harry Potter and the Half-Blood
Prince, a somewhat similar scene plays out differently:
Harry could not bear to hear these things (about Dumbledore), nor did he think his
resolution would hold if he remained sitting beside (Ginny.) Ron, he saw, was now
holding Hermione and stroking her hair while she sobbed into his shoulder, tears
dripping from the end of his own long nose. (HBP, page 647, emphasis added)
Ron clearly learned something about comforting Hermione when she was crying.
Notice, too, that several times near the beginning of book seven (Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows)
Ron was there quickly with a comforting arm around Hermione's shoulders when she began to be upset.
(DH, pages 94, 97, 126)
So the "Ways to Charm" book might have said something like this…

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Twelve Fail-Safe Ways to Charm Witches: Lessons from Ron's Success with Hermione.

The Eighth Charm – Being a Shoulder to Cry On

Your witch will cry. A lot. Get used to it; this is normal. Your job when this
happens is to hold her and let her cry. Her life is sometimes hard. Sure, your
life is probably harder, but you’re a wizard and more able to handle it.
Realize that when your witch cries on your shoulder, this is a great honor. It
means she trusts you. It means she looks to you for comfort and reassurance.
You might ask your witch what’s wrong if you don’t already know. Maybe
she’ll be able to tell you and maybe she won’t. This, too, is normal. If she can’t
tell you, don’t press her on the matter.
Carry (or learn to conjure) a clean white handkerchief. Offer it to your witch
when she starts to cry.
Do not offer advice while your witch is crying. Just hold her – and listen.
Do not try to solve her problem while your witch is crying. Just hold her – and
be sympathetic.
Do not try to make your witch feel better while she is crying. You are already
doing that by holding her.
When her world is scary or sad, your witch must know that there is a safe
place for her in your arms. She should feel the strength of your arms, and
know that your strength is for defending her, never hurting her.
Do NOT use these moments when she’s in your arms, and crying on your
shoulder, as an occasion to explore her charms. That will come, but later. (See
the eleventh charm.)
Again, do not try to solve your witch’s problem for her. Trying to solve your
witch’s problem for her, however well-intentioned you may be, will be seen by
your witch as implying the insult that she is incompetent. Your witch will
eventually stop crying and then she will be perfectly capable of solving her
problem by herself.
If your witch cries more than normal (normal for a witch, that is) you might
consider the special absorbent shoulder pads which Madam Malkin makes
available to be worn under your robe. These come in a variety of sizes and can
even be sewn directly into your robe if desired. (There is a ten percent discount
on the cost if you mention this book.)

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Twelve Fail-Safe Ways to Charm Witches: Lessons from Ron's Success with Hermione.

The Ninth Charm

First, a bad example: One of the worst arguments that Ron and Hermione had was in book four (Harry
Potter and the Goblet of Fire) at the Yule Ball. It started out with Ron accusing Hermione of "fraternizing
with the enemy" because she came to the ball with Viktor Krum and went downhill from there. You can
read it in pages 421 through 423 of that book. It was nasty, but the main thing to be noted about it here
is that the argument did not end in any satisfactory way. Nobody won the argument, and nothing was
settled.
Now the good example: One of the other really bad arguments that Ron and Hermione had was in book
seven (Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows) when Ron re-joined their hunt for the Horcruxes after
having deserted them for a couple of months. This was just after Ron had saved Harry's life, retrieved
the Sword of Gryffindor, and destroyed the locket Horcrux. When Ron and Harry went back to the tent,
Hermione greeted Ron by punching him (on page 380) and the fight continued for the rest of the
chapter. But the main thing to notice is that, unlike the other argument, this one actually ended in a
satisfactory way. Ron was accepted back into their little group although Hermione continued to give
him dirty looks for several days.
What made the difference? In the second case, Ron apologized repeatedly and admitted being wrong.
Since admitting a mistake is not an impulse that comes naturally to young males – or actually, to males
of any age - there might have been something in the "Ways to Charm" book like this…

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Twelve Fail-Safe Ways to Charm Witches: Lessons from Ron's Success with Hermione.

The Ninth Charm – Dealing with Disagreements

Disagreements will sometimes arise between you and your witch. This is
normal and is to be expected in any relationship. It is important to know how
to deal with them.
Many foolish wizards believe that when there is a disagreement with your
witch the way to deal with it is to arrange your evidence and your thinking
carefully and explain it all to your witch. Wrong. Such wizardly insistence on
being right, on “winning” an argument, is a matter of bitter jokes among
witches who believe that wizards are often wrong. One typical joke asks “If a
wizard is alone in the Forbidden Forest, and he says something, but there’s no
one there to hear him, is he still wrong?” Even when you can convince her that
you are right you still will have lost because, in her mind, you were being
unkind to her. You can no more “win” an argument with your witch then you
can win an encounter with the Whopping Willow.
Does this mean that all is lost? By no means. There is a simple, direct charm
that can resolve any disagreement with your witch. You only need to look
your witch directly in the eyes and speak very slowly and clearly this
incantation:

You were right and I was wrong.

For a minor disagreement, this will be enough. If the disagreement has been
more serious, this basic incantation should be followed by a phrase such as “I’m
sorry” or “Please forgive me” as appropriate.
Although this is a very simple charm, and one that becomes easier with
practice, it is surprising how many wizards find it difficult to perform.
But, you may object, you are rarely if ever wrong. Why should you say that
you were? There are two reasons.
In the usual case - when you were right - at some point in the future your witch
will discover that you were right and will then apologize for doubting you.
You can then show your truly magnanimous character by accepting her
apology with little fuss.
In the highly unlikely event that you were wrong, you will have stopped the
disagreement from escalating and your witch will be impressed with what a
reasonable person you are.

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Twelve Fail-Safe Ways to Charm Witches: Lessons from Ron's Success with Hermione.

The Tenth Charm

Let’s notice something obvious about the romance between Ron and Hermione – namely, it takes time
to develop. Seven books - and seven years. Much of that, of course, is because they are both just
growing up and becoming old enough to be interest in the opposite sex “in that way.” Sure, Ron tries to
come to Hermione’s defense back in book two when Draco Malfoy calls her “mudblood,” and in book
three Hermione was really upset when she thought that Ron had almost been killed by Sirius Black, but
we don’t really see romantic tension until we get to book four and Hermione turns up at the Yule Ball
with Victor Krum. Then the sparks start to fly. But even with all the magical hormones that start
swarming in book four, it still takes another three books until we get to the big kiss.
I think it would be fair to say that developing this kind of romance takes time – especially on Hermione’s
part. It would be fair to say that usually witches have to be wooed s-l-o-w-l-y.
So the “ways to charm” book should have said something like this…

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Twelve Fail-Safe Ways to Charm Witches: Lessons from Ron's Success with Hermione.

The Tenth Charm – Being Constant in Your Attention

You need to know two things about the way witches think:
1: They keep score, and
2: They don’t keep score the same way we do in Quidditch.
In Quidditch the team that catches the golden snitch scores 150 points and so
usually wins the game. Is there perhaps something similar in scoring points
with a witch, something that will win her heart in a single stroke.
No, there isn’t.
With witches, points are only won one or two at a time. Each act of kindness or
affection scores a single point. The key, therefore, is constancy and repetition.
Here’s an example: Suppose that there are two wizards, Adolphus and Cyril,
competing for a witch’s affection. Adolphus calls on the witch each day for a
week and on each visit conjures a single rose that he presents to her. So, after
seven days the witch has received seven roses. Cyril, on the other hand, goes
about his own important business for six days and then shows up on Saturday
to conjure a complete bouquet of twenty-four roses – a full two dozen.
Now the key question: Which of the wizards has scored more points? Quiddich
thinking would say that Cyril must be ahead, because twenty-four is greater
than seven. However any witch will tell you that Adolphus is the clear
winner.
A witch does not give points for the roses, although that may appear to be what
is happening. She gives points for what the roses represent, namely that the
wizard who gives them was thinking about her and spent time with her.
Adolphus in our example came and spent some time with the witch each day
for a week; he visited her seven times. Cyril showed up once. The score in the
witch's mind, therefore, is not twenty-four to seven in favor of Cyril, but seven
to one in favor of Adolphus.
Your witch’s greatest fear is that you will abandon her. This is captured in the
old song by Celestina Warbeck: “Will You Still Charm Me Tomorrow?” 3You
address that primal fear by being constant, by being there for her day after
day after day.
The only true love potion is constant attention.

3
This song was later covered by a Muggle group named The Shirelles as "Will You Still
Love Me Tomorrow?" Unfortunately the Statute of Secrecy made it impossible to sue
them for copyright violation.

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A final hint: each time you say good-bye to your witch, tell her exactly when
you will see her again (for example Wednesday, at 3:00 PM) and keep your
word. A witch with something definite to look forward to is a happy witch.

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Twelve Fail-Safe Ways to Charm Witches: Lessons from Ron's Success with Hermione.

The Eleventh Charm

For a bad example, let's return again to Slughorn's Christmas party in book six (Harry Potter and the
Half-Blood Prince). Hermione had invited Cormac McLaggen just to annoy Ron. When Harry arrived at
the party…
(Harry) pulled Luna after him into the crowd; he had just seen a long mane of brown
hair disappear between what looked like two members of the Weird Sisters.
“Hermione! Hermione!”
“Harry! There you are, thank goodness! Hi, Luna!”
“What’s happened to you?” asked Harry, for Hermione looked distinctly disheveled,
rather as though she had just fought her way out of a thicket of Devil’s Snare.
“Oh, I’ve just escaped — I mean, I’ve just left Cormac,” she said. “Under the mistletoe,”
she added in explanation, as Harry continued to look questioningly at her. (HBP, 316-
317)
Now the good example: Hermione's kiss of Ron during the Battle of Hogwarts in the last book:
“Hang on a moment!” said Ron sharply. “We’ve forgotten someone!”
“Who?” asked Hermione.
“The house-elves. They’ll all be down in the kitchen, won’t they?”
"You mean we ought to get them fighting?” asked Harry.
“No,” said Ron seriously, “I mean we should tell them to get out. We don’t want any
more Dobbies, do we? We can’t order them to die for us –“
There was a clatter as the basilisk fangs cascaded out of Hermione’s arms. Running at
Ron, she flung them around his neck and kissed him full on the mouth. Ron threw away
the fangs and broomstick he was holding and responded with such enthusiasm that he
lifted Hermione off her feet. (DH, page 625)
The difference is clear: The good kisses are the ones started by the females – by Ginny, or Hermione, or
Fleur, or Molly Weasley - and the bad kisses are the ones started by the boys.
Notice, also, what did NOT happen at any time in the books: Ron never tried to kiss Hermione. Here is a
seventeen year old boy with strong feelings for a girl. He spends lots of time with that girl. Surely they
must have sometimes been alone together – for example, when Harry was out scouting the Ministry of
Magic while they were staying at 12 Grimmauld Place. Ron and Hermione would have been alone in the
house then with only Kreature as a chaperone. And yet in 15 months (counting from his 17th birthday)
and about 700 pages he never tries to kiss her. This seems odd, and so maybe the "Ways to Charm"
book said something like this…

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Twelve Fail-Safe Ways to Charm Witches: Lessons from Ron's Success with Hermione.

The Eleventh Charm – Waiting for Your Witch to Start the Kissing
As a healthy, red-blooded young wizard, you are probably wondering when all
of these charms will lead to closer contact with your witch's charms. The
answer is simple: When she starts such closeness or clearly invites it. It is a
foolish wizard who tries to rush this issue. When threatened, you'd be amazed
how quickly a witch can cast a shield charm or a bat-bogey hex. We might
envy Muggle men at this point who can only get slapped.
Let her start – or clearly invite - the kissing. When she does, respond
enthusiastically. If you’re not sure whether your witch is inviting a kiss or not,
there is a simple charm you can use. Just ask “May I kiss you?” and wait for a
“yes.” This should be the first of many questions you should ask and many
answers you should wait for.
Further, if in the midst of the kissing, your witch says anything that even
vaguely sounds like a "don't" or a "stop," you should react as though she has you
under the imperious curse: instantly, totally, and without question. This is not
only the proper ethical and moral response; this is also the response that is most
likely to get you more satisfaction in the end. This is because a witch who
knows herself to be in control of how far things go is much more likely to let
things go… pretty far!
A final point: what happens between you and your witch must remain private;
it must remain under the seal of secrecy. Your witch must be able to trust your
discretion. A gentleman does not kiss and tell – or he doesn't get kissed again.

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Twelve Fail-Safe Ways to Charm Witches: Lessons from Ron's Success with Hermione.

The Twelfth Charm

For this last charm we only have only indirect evidence. We note that in the epilogue we saw Ron and
Hermione still together 19 years later, and they seemed to be happy with each other. Or at least, they
weren't fighting – and that, considering their history, says a lot.
So, on that evidence, the last charm in the "Ways to Charm" book may have been something like this…

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Twelve Fail-Safe Ways to Charm Witches: Lessons from Ron's Success with Hermione.

The Twelfth Charm – Continuing to Charm Your Witch

Some foolish wizards make the mistake of thinking that once they have "won"
their witch's affection, that's like catching the golden snitch in Quidditch and
the game is over. Or as some such foolish wizards have said, "Why should I flag
down the Knight Bus when I'm already on board?"
Wrong! The game is never over, at best you're only "on the bus" until the next
stop, and this bus makes lots of stops.
To keep your witch happy you must re-charm her each day:
 Each day repeat as many of the charms in this book as possible.
 Each day listen to her.
 Each day make her laugh.
 Each day hold her, kiss her, and mean it.
 Each day tell her – with words and with actions – that you are on her side
and she can rely on you.
You may wonder why all this repetition is necessary. We don't know.
Investigations into this matter by the Department of Mysteries have been
inconclusive. One theory is that witches have weak memories, but this seems
unlikely since witches have often demonstrated that they are able to remember
for decades, in great detail, specific mistakes that a wizard has made. It is
seems more likely that these charms simply wear out with the passage of time
and thus need to be renewed continually. However, what is known beyond any
shadow of a doubt is that such daily repletion will make for a happy witch and
a happy witch will make for a happy wizard.

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Twelve Fail-Safe Ways to Charm Witches: Lessons from Ron's Success with Hermione.

Conclusion

There should be a conclusion in the "Ways to Charm" book something like this…

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Twelve Fail-Safe Ways to Charm Witches: Lessons from Ron's Success with Hermione.

Conclusion
So now, young wizard, you have learned the secrets of charming witches. You
can bring joy into the drab lives of the witches around you. This is a great
power. But with great power comes great responsibility. You cannot simply
swing through life unattached.
A final note: All the time that you have been charming your witch, she has
been charming you as well. Did you notice?
A witch only lets a wizard chase her until she catches him.

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Twelve Fail-Safe Ways to Charm Witches: Lessons from Ron's Success with Hermione.

Appendix

When Ron first tells Harry about this book he says “ If only I'd had this last year I'd have known exactly
how to get rid of Lavender.” This suggests that there must be something in the book which tells a
wizard how to break up with a witch. That was probably in an appendix of the book something like
this…

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Twelve Fail-Safe Ways to Charm Witches: Lessons from Ron's Success with Hermione.

Appendix – Breaking Up
It will sometimes be necessary to end a relationship. Let us consider the best
way to do this.
The first thing to remember is that witches talk to each other and tend to tell
each other everything! Further, there is a distinct possibility that the next
witch you will want to date will know (or at least will have heard of) the witch
you are now trying to break up with. This makes it important that you appear
to treat your current witch well. You do not want to have a reputation as a
wizard who treats a witch badly.
So how do you dump a witch and at the same time appear to treat her well – or
at least not treat her badly? Here’s how: you persuade her to dump you - by
being boring and annoying. You don’t want to do anything outrageously
offensive or evil, just be boring and annoying. You achieve that by reversing
some of the charms in this book. For example:
- When your current witch is talking, just drift off into your own thoughts.
Better yet, interrupt her.
- When your current witch complains about something in her life,
enthusiastically offer lots of unasked for advice, especially if it’s
something that you don’t know anything about.
- Brag about yourself.
- If your current witch is exceptionally beautiful, keep telling her that
she’s beautiful until she’s sick of hearing it. Likewise if she’s exceptionally
plain looking keep telling her that she’s beautiful until she’s sure that
you’re lying. And if in between these extremes, never tell her that she
looks nice.
- Do not take her dancing. Or if you must, bring the wrong color corsage.
- Practice bad table manners. You’ll find these come easily.
- Agree to meet your current witch at a specific place and time and then
either “forget” to show up at all or show up late.
- When the two of you have a disagreement, always insist that you are
right.
- Leave the seat up.
- Ignore her for a while.
You get the idea. You don’t want to do anything really big and ugly – such as
having a screaming fight with her in public. You just want to annoy and bore
her with a lot of little things to the point where she decides that she would be
better off without you. These should be little things, so that some other witch
will think either that these little flaws aren’t so bad or that she would know

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how to deal with them even though your current witch doesn’t. (This is a
common female delusion and it should be encouraged.)
In carrying out this strategy, there are a few charms that must NEVER be
reversed or compromised, because to do so would make all other witches
hesitant about going out with you. Specifically:
1. You must never violate the “only date one witch at a time” rule.
Otherwise the next witch you try to date will think “He cheated on her,
so he might cheat on me.”
2. You must never use your superior masculine strength against your
current witch – or for that matter, against any witch. If you do that,
any other witch you might try to date in the future will rightfully
conclude that you are dangerous.
3. You must never violate the seal of secrecy about what happens between
you and a witch when you are alone. Again, if you do so any witch you
might try to date in the future will reason “He talked about her, so he
might talk about me.”
Even with these limitations firmly in place, there are still many ways you can
persuade your current witch to lose interest.
When your current witch finally does give you the heave-ho, DON’T SMILE!
Instead, act tragically sad. If you play that role correctly, some other witch
may come and comfort you.

- End -

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