Happiful February 2021
Happiful February 2021
FEB 2021
Listen to
8
!
ing
your heart
k
oo
Now we're c
Learn to live life with
'heartfulness' at the core QUICK & EASY
mouth-watering
batch bakes
SHAKE IT OFF
(negative energy, that is) SPEAK EASY
Ditch the drama
by learning how to We decipher the 5
set boundaries love languages &
how to express them
S O U L A N A LY S E .C O M
35 Say it with us
Affirmations for hard times
26 Down on paper
Writing for wellness Feel-good food True stories
20 Spice it up 37 Daniella: the missing link
32 Me after motherhood Embrace mindful cooking Discovering the mind-body link
Parenthood is life-altering, so how
made everything make sense
can you reconnect with yourself?
40 Cook up a storm
Eight nutritious recipes 67 Philip: finding freedom
53 Your time is yours How an accident gave Philip a
58 In the mood? different view of the world around him
Wellbeing Learn about the surprising culprit
behind bad moods 95 Deepanshi: being open
30 Crystal clear Sharing her OCD struggle was the
Our expert answers questions on 82 Professor Green turning point for Deepanshi
how to get the most out of crystals The rapper and campaigner on
his journey with gut health
64 Bring hygge home
Embrace a dash of Danish cosiness
Culture
71 Bryony Gordon 8 Read all about it
The writer and campaigner on This month’s uplifting news
building personal resilience
13 The wellbeing wrap
30
80 Recover right
How to take care of yourself when 61 Dive in
you’re signed off work for your MH Get lost in these good reads
40
*
Expert review
82
Every issue of Happiful is
reviewed by an accredited
counsellor, to ensure we
deliver the highest quality
23
RAV SEKHON
BA MA MBACP (Accred)
90 Tight on time? Rav is a counsellor
and psychotherapist
Self-care to suit any schedule
with more than 10
years' experience.
98 The body scan guide
Expert Panel Our team
Meet the team of experts who have come together to deliver EDITORIAL
information, guidance, and insight throughout this issue Rebecca Thair | Editor
Kathryn Wheeler | Head Writer
Chelsea Graham | Editorial Assistant
BIBI JAMIESON GRAEME ORR
MA (Hons) MBACP MBACP (Accred) Reg Ind
Bonnie Evie Gifford, Kat Nicholls | Senior Writers
Becky Wright | Content & Marketing Officer
Bibi is an integrative Graeme is a counsellor
Katie Hoare | Digital Marketing & Content Officer
psychotherapeutic working with both
counsellor. individuals and couples. Grace Victory | Columnist
Lucy Donoughue | Head of Partnerships
Ellen Hoggard | Digital Editor
RACHEL COFFEY AYESHA GISELLE
Janette Owen | Sub-Editor
BA MA NLP Mstr OCN MAC CPHT
Rav Sekhon | Expert Advisor
Rachel is a life coach, Ayesha is a life and
encouraging accountability coach ART & DESIGN
confidence. helping clients set goals. Amy-Jean Burns | Head of Product
Charlotte Reynell | Creative Lead
Rosan Magar | Illustrator
LOUIS OLIVER-BROOKE CHRIS MOUNSHER
BA HDipCT HCertSAL BSc PGDip MBACP Emma Boast | Graphic Designer
CONTRIBUTORS
Adamantia Velonis, Katie Conibear, Jenna Farmer,
CHARLOTTE SIMPSON REBECCA CORNEY Michelle Elman, Amber Bryce, Daniella Fagan,
BA MSc PG Dip MBACP BSc MSc PGDip cpsychol AFBPsS Philip Sheridan, Deepanshi Gulati
Our nutritionists
For new orders and back orders, visit
shop.happiful.com, or call Newsstand on
+44 (0)1227 277 248 or email
SUSAN HART KIRSTIE LAWTON [email protected]
your heart additional tree is planted for each one used, by making a suitable
k
oo
Now we're c
The Uplift
of more than 88,000 farmers.
Kindness doesn’t just grow on trees,
but with a little bit of imagination, and a
dollop of determination, projects like this
are changing the world, one act at a time.
Find out more by visiting treedom.net
Writing | Kathryn Wheeler
WELLBEING
Gen Z are
shunning fad diets
Gone are the days when a Pot
Noodle and a beer classed as
dinner, as new research says that
Generation Z – the generation
born between 1997 and 2010 – is
more likely to be taking care of
their health, prioritising sleep, and
turning their backs on fad diets.
New research commissioned
by global wellness brand Swisse
Me revealed that a huge 95% of
18- to 24-year-olds are dedicated
to taking vitamins, with 76%
LGBTQ+ shunning fad diets in favour of
healthy, sustainable practices.
Kakuros
Complete the grids below so that the numbers in each row and column add
up to the totals at the edge. You can use the digits one to nine, but remember
each number can only be used once in a sum!
Expert
Beginner
3 41
10 3
9
3
10
10
6 18 9 20
7 16
Intermediate
9 8
11 30 4 12 10
9 10 6
13 21 16
16 13
21 15
18 5
W
e’re so accustomed to
defining our worth by
how busy we are that
the art of relaxation
has been lost for many of us.
But while this idea of ‘free time’
might not be familiar territory, it’s
essential ground to cover. This is
niksen, the lifestyle concept of doing
nothing, and doing it on purpose.
What is niksen?
The idea of ‘doing nothing’ (the
literal translation of niksen) might
not sound like anything new, but
it’s the intentional part of the act
that’s so important. It’s a way of life
that puts time for, and dedication
to, yourself at the top of the agenda.
And it isn’t just another costly
wellness trend.
“I realised that people were fed up
with wellness trends telling them
they weren’t doing enough, and
should work harder at improving
themselves,” writes Olga Mecking,
author of Niksen: Embracing the
Dutch art of doing nothing. “This
Finding balance
Laurele suggests that one of
the key benefits of niksen is in
Time alone, to press pause and simply let enabling the body to rebalance
into the ‘rest and digest’ phase,
thoughts pass you by, can induce feelings of which can be helpful when
relaxation, creativity, and cognitive clarity recovering from burnout. “By
allowing ourselves to slow
down, to do nothing more than
is actually one of the reasons and letting thoughts come and stare into space and simply be
people relate to the concept. It’s go as they please. Nisken is about for a moment, we afford our
the easiest kind of wellness you rebalancing all areas of your life. frazzled minds and bodies
could possibly imagine.” some much-needed respite
Olga explains that to truly Why should I from the hamster’s wheel of
understand niksen, you have embrace niksen? constantly and unrelentingly
to unpick your perception of In Happiful’s 2020 survey on striving for achievement and
‘nothing’. “It’s time we start stress, 73% of respondents said productivity. Thus allowing our
calling a spade a spade, and they were worried about their parasympathetic nervous system
niksen niksen. If we are browsing mental health and wellbeing, to work its magic, bringing us
Facebook or chilling out with with 68% sharing that they’ve back into balance, and restoring
Netflix, let’s call those what they been extremely stressed since at least a modicum of calm.
are and not say we’re ‘doing September 2020. We know that “Allowing our minds to simply
nothing’.” stress is a driver in many health wander can actually foster
conditions, particularly as we creativity, enhance problem-
Getting started accelerate in the modern world. solving, and boost productivity.
Niksen, at first, is trial and error. “If left unchecked, chronic So it seems that doing nothing is
It takes time to build up your and excessive levels of stress indeed time well spent!”
ability to be comfortable with (which are often work-related) Time alone, to press pause and
doing nothing. You could try can accumulate to the point of simply let thoughts pass you by,
watching the world go by through burnout,” says counsellor Laurele can induce feelings of relaxation,
the window for 10 minutes, Mitchell. “Burnout can be creativity, and cognitive clarity.
lying on your bed staring at the characterised as feeling drained It’s time to do more niks, on
ceiling or, my personal favourite, and exhausted – both physically purpose.
watching your cats play together and emotionally – lacking in
for a few moments. To niks (do motivation, feeling increasingly
nothing) can take any form that negative and overwhelmed,
suits you and for however long and, on occasion, helpless and
you feel comfortable with. hopeless. Having been going at
Once you’ve managed 10 100mph for so long, it’s as if we
minutes, try working up towards abruptly, and often unexpectedly,
an hour. If that’s too much all run out of gas, rendering us
in one go, look for little pockets incapable of keeping up and Laurele Mitchell is a senior accredited
of niksen-time at work. Instead meeting never-ending demands.” person-centred counsellor,
specialising in childhood trauma and
of gulping down a sandwich at You don’t have to accept that
relationship issues. Find out more
your desk, take five minutes on chronic stress is the way of life: and get in touch with Laurele via
a bench outside, simply sitting niksen can be a way of life, too. counselling-directory.org.uk
mindful cooking
Stuck in a food rut, cooking the same old meals over and
over again? Here, mindfulness teacher Adamantia Velonis
explains how to put wellbeing firmly on the menu
Writing | Adamantia Velonis Illustrating | Rosan Magar
Y
ou may have heard It provides a ‘pause’. We have challenges us, or we might make
of ‘mindful eating’ to focus on the task at hand, a favourite meal with a loved
– taking the time to and this can help to shift our one during the week to connect
tune-in to the smells, mindset when we return to the through a shared activity.
flavours, and textures of our problem we are facing later. The
food – but have you considered methodical nature of cooking 3. IT IMPROVES OUR
starting the process before you reminds us of the importance MENTAL FOCUS
plate-up? In ‘mindful cooking’ of breaking tasks down into We are constantly distracted
an awareness of the ‘here and smaller parts, so that they feel by our devices and the digital
now’ is cultivated at all stages less overwhelming. Mindful environment. But, by bringing
of cooking: from selecting cooking gives us the space to see mindfulness to the cooking
ingredients, to preparing a meal, the lessons in the process, so that process, we can train our
and even being deliberate about they can be applied to challenges awareness. We can be deliberate
how you spend your time while outside of the kitchen, too. about creating a calm, distraction-
waiting for various elements free environment before cooking
to be ‘done.’ But, like mindful 2. IT'S AN ACCESSIBLE FORM – leave your phone in the other
eating, mindful cooking can help OF SELF-CARE
us develop a deeper relationship Self-care is any activity that we
with ourselves – here’s how… do to specifically look after our
wellbeing – whether physical,
1. IT CAN HELP YOU MANAGE emotional, or mental. It’s an
DIFFICULT EMOTIONS, SUCH AS activity that we enjoy and can
ANXIETY OR STRESS keep coming back to because it
Cooking is deeply immersive, ‘revitalises’ us. Mindful cooking
as all our senses are stimulated is an easy way to schedule in
simultaneously – from texture, to some essential self-care because
taste, sound, temperature, visual we all need to eat. Over the
cues, and the many aromas. By weekend, we might
distracting us from unproductive block out some alone
thoughts, and providing feelings time in the kitchen
of control or mastery, cooking to try our hand at
can support stress management. a technique that
room, try using physical cookbooks, using. Feeling confident about extend this feeling of warmth
or turning off notifications if you’re knowing when you can improvise to other aspects of our lives.
using an online recipe. Think about in the kitchen can help you to apply Seeing cooking as an opportunity
how you are going to manage your creative problem-solving to to extend your mindfulness
time if it’s a more involved recipe, other areas of your life. practise, can turn cooking from
and develop a ‘game plan’. This will being purely functional to a self-
make it easier to remain focused 5. IT HELPS YOU CONNECT development journey.
once you start, and you will be less WITH LOVED ONES OR YOUR
likely to be interrupted. COMMUNITY Adamantia Velonis is a certified
Cooking ignites the senses, mindfulness teacher and founder of
4. IT HELPS TO DEVELOP especially smell. Interestingly, our marmaladeandkindness.com
PERSONAL CONFIDENCE sense of smell is deeply connected
There is an art to following a recipe to our involuntary memory.
and mastering the fundamentals. This is why we often turn to
But, beyond that, a recipe is merely our favourite comfort
a guide. Taste isn’t objective, and foods, because making
it is deeply linked to our personal a meal that we associate with
memories and early experiences. a positive time in our lives
Mindful cooking helps you to can help us access those
develop an awareness of your palate feelings in the present. Be
and have the confidence to express aware of this emotional aspect
it. Seen in this light, cooking is an of food and prepare recipes
opportunity to be creative in daily that are meaningful to you. For
life, to use our instincts to judge example, a favourite childhood
when something is ‘done’, and to be meal or a dish made as part of
attentive to the ingredients we’re cultural celebrations. Setting a
loving intention before
we cook encourages us to
Head to
p40 for
recipe
inspo
Reconnect with
your true self
Ever feel disconnected from your true self? Use these five
prompts to evaluate your needs, desires, and the things that
drive you – so that you can take the next step with confidence
Writing | Kathryn Wheeler
T
hroughout our lives, accountability coach. “Your 1. If I had to describe
we inevitably go self-awareness will allow you myself in one word, what
through periods of to understand your abilities, would it be?
feeling a bit lost, strengths, weaknesses, Kind, ambitious, funny,
with a weaker sense your likes and dislikes, your confident, generous,
of who we are and what we boundaries, triggers, and adventurous, intuitive? It may
want. This might be following values – and it will help you to seem like a big challenge to
an important transition in our show up more confidently and sum yourself up in just one
lives – for example, the birth of a authentically, supporting you to word, but getting there will
child, or the start of a new career become a person you like, love, help you discover a key quality
– and it can begin to unsettle our and enjoy.” that you’re able to identify in
relationships with ourselves, as As a new year begins, to yourself.
well as others. help you start a dialogue with If you find the challenge
“Getting to know yourself yourself to evaluate your difficult, whether that’s because
is not easy, but definitely a wants, needs, and values, we’ve you can think of too many
journey full of benefits that collected together five key things, or you find it hard to
are well worth exploring,” questions to ask, so that you can decide the one, reflect on why
says Ayesha Giselle, a life and get to know yourself better. that might be. >>>
2. Where do I want to be in
one week, one month, and a
year’s time?
A goal of any sort, whether big or
small, can help to set our focus.
And we don’t have to tackle it all
at once. By this time next week, is
there something that you would
like to achieve? Perhaps it’s to
spend an evening dedicated to Our goals are personal to us, 3. What is my happiest
self-care, or to finish reading and so often they exist only in memory?
your book. the abstract. Take some time To look forwards, it can help to
In a month, you might want to out to jot down what you want look back. Think back to a time
have learned a new skill, or spent to achieve, and then take a when you were really happy. It
some time with someone special look over what you have come might be from your childhood,
to you. And then in a year, maybe up with, to see what it can tell or even last month! What was it
you want to be somewhere else you about what you need to about this memory that makes it
in your career, or have finally prioritise, and what might be so happy?
got round to that big experience preventing you from moving Would that same thing make
you’ve been dreaming of. towards these goals. you feel just as happy today –
T
here are many ways to speak out loud. What’s more, Writing down your thoughts is a
that the arts can therapeutic writing can give you way of ordering and organising
guide us through a sense of empowerment and the busyness in our minds and,
difficult times – one control over difficult life events by getting the thinking ‘outside of
of which is through and feelings. your head’, you have effectively
therapeutic writing. You don’t “Writing, in a similar way released some of the pressure.”
need an English degree, to be the to talking to a therapist, can Therapeutic writing can
next Shakespeare, or even be a help when we’re feeling low give meaning to your life
regular writer to try it. The goal is or anxious by enabling us to experiences, and even help
not to have a beautifully written order our thoughts,” counsellor you to view them from a new,
end product. Instead, it’s more and psychotherapist Lucy healthier perspective. It can
about the process, and what you Fuller says, explaining how lead to revelations and insights
get out of it, that’s important. writing can support our mental about yourself and your life,
So what is therapeutic writing? wellbeing. “Our agitated minds which might not have been
It’s essentially putting pen to can focus on one particular possible without setting aside
paper to help the writer deal with area of difficulty, and then introspective writing time.
difficult emotions and events. go in all sorts of directions, This all sounds great, but
The act of writing is a cathartic catastrophising and analysing what do you do when this type
experience, which can help you events and interactions, making of writing brings up difficult
learn to express feelings that you our heads almost burst with a emotions and experiences? I
might not necessarily be able noisy confusion of thoughts. asked Lucy Fuller for her advice.
“Feeling and experiencing who can support you, and How to get started
the pent up emotions we hold reassure you that it is OK to feel Choose a format that works for
inside our minds and bodies can this way.” you – it could be an online blog,
be very difficult, but in many Therapeutic writing has been or just a classic notebook and
ways this is a necessary part of shown to benefit people living pen. Ensure you allocate time
coming to terms with whatever with mental illnesses, those each day to writing, to get into
is it that’s making us feel this way dealing with grief and loss, with the habit, and find a place where
and, by allowing ourselves to low self-esteem, or people going you feel comfortable and secure,
express them, we are effectively through relationship issues. where you’re able to sit down
alleviating the uncomfortable Writing also has a multitude and focus.
pressure of holding them inside of other benefits, such as Once you’re comfortable with
ourselves. If your emotions are improving your memory, and your surroundings, think about
overwhelming, make sure you helping you relax at the end of what you want to write about and
can get in contact with someone the day. reflect on it by closing your eyes, >>>
Focus on five
Short on time? Pick just five
things you need to put away, or
clear out. A little goes a long way,
and if you keep this up every day,
you’ll have achieved a lot by the
end of the week!
Q
Each crystal also vibrates including balance, stress, anxiety,
What exactly is
at different frequencies and, depression, aches and pains, and
crystal healing, when used on the body, these other medical conditions, as well
and how it can help? crystals absorb, focus, direct, and as spiritual healing.
diffuse energy as they interact
Q
and the vibration of the crystal
I’m looking to buy will match, the crystal may tingle Be realistic, you are not
some crystals – in your hand, heat up, or feel going to be able to learn the
which ones would heavy. These are all signs that properties of every single
you recommend for a that crystal is meant for you. crystal in the world. Don’t be
beginner? Crystals such as clear quartz, disheartened if you have to use
amethyst, rose quartz, and a reference book to look up a
ones you should start with. See correspond to the seven major Most importantly, follow your
which ones you are drawn to, chakras of the body – would be intuition. It is there to guide
and choose those. When you first a good place to start. If you are you and, if it feels right, then
hold a crystal you will know if it’s drawn to a particular crystal, you chances are it is right.
right for you as your vibration probably need it.
Therapy Directory is part of the Happiful Family | Helping you find the help you need
wellbeing
Q
I’ve heard you need
to cleanse crystals.
Why is this, and
how can I do it?
A Yes, it is particularly
important to cleanse
crystals both when you first get
them, and after each time you
use them. Crystals absorb the
energy of their surroundings,
and the people who use them
– including negative energy.
Cleansing them will remove
this energy, and restore the
crystal to its original healing
vibration.
There are many ways of
cleansing crystals. You can
run them under water, either
the tap or in a free-flowing
stream. This method is not
for all crystals, as some can
dissolve in water (selenite, for
example).
You can also leave them
outside in the light of the full
moon, pass them through
cleansing incense (such as
dragon’s blood) or, if you are
Reiki practitioner, use Reiki to
cleanse them. Find the way
that’s best suited to you, but
ensure you do it with all new
crystals, and after each use.
5 ways I’ve found
me again since
becoming a mum
Becoming a parent is life-changing in many ways, but with much of your baby’s
first years centred on their development and milestones, some new mums
can lose their own identity in the process. Outside of the nappy changes, baby
classes, and lullabies, how can new mums connect with themselves again?
Writing | Jenna Farmer
I
’ll be honest: the moment as much. But a few months on, hobbies – had gone, and the only
I found out I was with sleep deprivation in full role I had was to be a mother. And
pregnant, I was terrified. swing, my feelings of awe gave don’t get me started on baby brain;
There was no doubt that way to ones of resentment and I thought it was just the punchline
I wanted to become a parent (I’d loneliness. to a joke, but I struggled to get out
even had fertility treatments My husband’s life had seemingly of the house most days without
in the past), but I was petrified gone back to normal after two leaving something behind.
at how life would never be the weeks of paternity leave, but I Don’t get me wrong, it is the most
same again. didn’t even recognise myself in rewarding role of all, but I felt like
My son arrived in May 2019 the mirror. Not only did I look I’d lost the person I was before. I
and, at first, I was so completely physically different, but my life couldn’t remember the last time
wrapped up in bonding with had completely changed, too. I felt I had a conversation that didn’t
him that work, friends, and like everything that had defined revolve around nappies or bottles.
hobbies didn’t seem to matter me – my work, my friends, my Who was I?
Self-love
affirmations
When you need a pick-me-up,
say these words to yourself
To d a y I w i l l t r y t o b e t h e b e s t v e r s i o n o f m y s e l f
A
bout a year ago, I couldn’t sit up in devastated, believing this was going to be my life
a chair, walk more than a couple of forever. I ended up in a wheelchair at times, and
steps, or get a good night’s sleep. I was was utterly broken inside.
in so much pain 24/7 that my head As you can imagine, my mental health suffered
ached from all the tablets I was taking to numb greatly. The more fear I had and the more despair
the agony in my body. The muscles in my back I felt, the worse the symptoms got – which totally
were as hard as rocks – burning hot electric makes sense, now that I understand what was
rocks – and so tight that they twisted me up like happening to me.
a crooked stick. My mental health suffered as I Purely by chance, one day I noticed someone
faced a life of solitude, constant pain, and the posting about their back pain on Facebook, and
isolating depression that came with that. a friend had commented about a book called
I had suffered from headaches a lot previously, Healing Back Pain by Dr John E Sarno. I was
but the back pain that jumped into my life with thoroughly sceptical at the time, but I was also
no warning was brand new. It started gradually in utterly desperate and willing to try anything.
2015 and got progressively worse until I couldn’t Dr Sarno was a pioneer in his field, and spent
go a day without serious pain medication and a his career educating patients and practitioners
lot of rest. It screamed at me like an alarm bell about the mind-body connection. His theory
ringing constantly around my mind. was that repressed emotions and unaddressed
I fought with this debilitating condition for past traumas can cause our nervous systems to
about three years, as I was batted between become stuck in a ‘stress response’ mode called
doctors, traumatologists, surgeons, specialists, fight-or-flight. This is our body’s primitive natural
chiropractors, physical therapists, and defence mechanism that kicks in to help us flee or
osteopaths. Nothing worked. In fact, every fight a predator or threat.
treatment I had – including electrodes, laser By not addressing my feelings properly, and
treatments, and daily steroid injections – made therefore not allowing myself to process traumatic
me worse. The only thing that they could find events or threatening scenarios in my life, I was
was a herniated disc which, despite looking literally toxifying my body with an immense
really scary on MRI, apparently wasn’t bad amount of stress. As a result, a number of physical
enough to be causing me that much pain. I was symptoms had shown up throughout my life. >>>
I
f 2020 has taught me anything,
it’s that being kind to myself
and taking it easy are both
absolutely necessary, and
should be shame-free. We’re so
used to only praising ourselves
when we’ve worked a full
day, completed a workout,
done the washing, and then
cooked a hearty, intricate
meal from scratch. But, this
year, it’s all about simplicity,
nutrition, versatility and, most
importantly, batch baking!
We’ve got eight recipes that
tick those boxes to make your
working weeks a little easier this
time around. Pick a rainy Sunday
afternoon, and fire up the oven...
Susan Hart Lucy Sparkes Nissa Dewshi Kirstie Lawton Michele Scarr
MFHT MFNT BA (Hons) Dip CNM dipNT mBANT rCNHC PhD AfN mBANT BA (Hons) Dip Nut
Vegan granola
Serves 7
Ingredients • Melt the coconut oil either in the Susan Hart, nutrition coach,
• 100g coconut oil, melted microwave or on the stove. cook and food writer, says: “Oats
• 200g rolled oats • In a large bowl, combine all are so beneficial to the body,
• 2 tsp cinnamon the ingredients with the melted delivering fibre to keep our
• 50g walnuts, chopped coconut oil, apart from the digestive health on track. As a
• 50g almonds, chopped maple syrup. prebiotic, they help nourish and
• 30g desiccated coconut • Lay out the granola evenly on restore healthy gut bacteria. We
• 20g chia seeds baking trays and drizzle over the also need good fats and protein;
• 50ml maple syrup maple syrup. Bake in the oven for this is where the nuts and chia
approx 20 minutes, turning the seeds are useful. It’s easy to
Method granola over after 10 minutes. adjust the flavour by swapping
• Preheat the oven to 180°C. • Leave to cool before transferring the nuts, and you could add
Line two baking trays with to an airtight container. Eat linseeds, or pumpkin seeds to
parchment and set aside. within two weeks. increase the nutrient diversity.”
Method
• Heat the oil in a deep pan on a
medium heat. Add the onions
and garlic, and fry until soft.
• Add the carrot, butternut
squash, paprika and ginger,
and sauté for approx 4
minutes.
• Add the boiling vegetable
stock, lentils and a good grind
of black pepper, and stir gently. “A great source of protein, lentils
• Bring to the boil, then reduce provide a number of nutritional
heat to simmer and cover for benefits: they’re rich in soluble
approx 20 minutes. fibre, which lowers cholesterol
• Check the squash is soft, and helps to balance blood
and then blitz to a soup with sugar levels, providing a slow
a blender stick. If you don’t release of energy,” says Nissa
have a blender, using a potato Dewshi, a nutritional therapist
masher will also work as long specialising in fatigue and
as the veg is very tender. Be gut health. “They also contain
careful as soup stays hot for a insoluble fibre, which bulks up the
long while. Add a few splashes stool, and prevents constipation
of warm water if it’s too thick. and the development of digestive
• Ladle it into a bowl and disorders, such as diverticulitis
serve with a sprinkling of and IBS.”
pumpkin seeds, and a hunk of
wholemeal bread.
Ingredients •W
ash and gently tear any large
• 2 large carrots, peeled kale leaves, and place in a large
• 2 medium beetroots, peeled mixing bowl. Add the sliced
• 100g kale carrots and beetroot to the bowl.
• 1 tbsp olive oil •D
rizzle the olive oil onto the veg “An excellent alternative to the
• 2 tsp garlic powder and add the spices (adjust spices ordinary crisp, this recipe uses little
• 1 tsp cayenne pepper to desired taste). Toss until the oil and lots of spice,” nutritional
• 1 tsp paprika vegetables are evenly coated. therapist and heath coach Michele
•P
lace the veg slices in single Scarr says. “Garlic, AKA Mother
Method layers on the baking trays. Bake Nature’s antibiotic, and paprika and
•P
reheat the oven to 180°C, for 10 mins. Turn and bake for cayenne, containing capsaicin (a
and line two baking trays with a further 10–12 mins until crisp, potent circulation stimulant), make
parchment. and the sides of the carrots curl. this supportive of heart health and the
•T
hinly slice the carrots and •L
eave to cool and enjoy as a control of diabetes. Plus the carrots
beetroot. Start at the widest part healthy alternative to shop- and beetroot are rich in carotenoids,
of the carrot. bought crisps! which are good for vision.”
Ingredients
1 banana
2 tbsp coconut oil, melted
30g light tahini
1 tbsp runny honey
50g pitted dates
200g rolled oats
30g sunflower seeds
30g chia seeds
1 tsp cinnamon
½ tsp sea salt
Method
• Preheat the oven to 180°C, and
line a baking tin with parchment.
• In a small bowl, mash the
banana with a fork until a paste-
like consistency forms, set aside.
• Melt the coconut oil in a small
pan. Once melted, remove from
the heat and combine with the
tahini and honey, stirring gently.
• In a separate bowl, combine the
dry ingredients, keeping half of
the seeds aside.
• Gradually fold the coconut oil
mixture and mashed banana into
the dry ingredients.
• Spoon the mixture into your tin,
making sure it’s level.
• Sprinkle over the remaining
seeds and bake for 18 mins, or
until golden brown.
• Leave to cool before slicing into
12 pieces. Enjoy!
Michele Scarr, a nutritional therapist, health coach and
CNN lecturer, says: “These tasty, seedy flapjacks keep
energy stores up, but blood pressure down. Chia seeds
are the richest plant source of omega 3 fatty acids and
a complete protein, making them a great option for
vegetarians and vegans, and all that fibre will keep you
fuller for longer – plus they’re great for digestion, too!”
T
hroughout our lives, identified the problem, there unconsciously ignore them. So
we’re bound to come are several steps you can take Chris recommends taking a step
into contact with to break free of manipulation, back from the situation.
manipulative people. It and start to create your own “Notice the patterns of
could be in the workplace, in a boundaries again. behaviour. If you’re always told
friendship, or a relationship – it that you aren’t doing enough,
might even be a family member. 1. BE AWARE OF THE PROBLEM no matter how much effort you
Manipulation comes in many “The first step is to notice put in, this might leave you in
different forms, but most of the what’s happening,” says Chris. an anxious place with the other
time it happens on the sly, and “It’s impossible to deal with person holding all the anger.
you may not always realise what’s manipulation if you aren’t aware.” Perhaps this is about more than
going on. We can get used to certain just the task at hand?” Chris says.
But, as counsellor Chris behaviours very quickly, to Often, the best way to spot
Mounsher shares, once you have the extent that we’re able to abusive behaviour is to really
Fo l l o w yo u r
heart
We explore the concept of ‘heartfulness’ and discover how the
key to wellness could already be within us, literally
Writing | Kathryn Wheeler Illustrating | Rosan Magar
W
hen the world around during mediation (something To her, this means creating an
us is full of noise, to bring your focus back to awareness of the relationship
stress, and pressure, when your mind wanders), or between your emotional state
it makes sense that reflecting on its emotional and and your physical body –
we might want to retreat inside spiritual significance, those noticing your heartbeat, when it
ourselves for moments of solace. who tune-in to heartfulness are accelerates, can take your body
It’s not groundbreaking to point simply using what is readily into flight or fight mode and,
out that our hearts are at the core available to them, to reach equally, noticing what things
of our being, both literally and another level of wellbeing, and make your heart ‘sing’; things
figuratively. But have you ever to create coping mechanisms for like receiving love, laughing with
taken the time to consider how when times get tough. friends, or being in nature.
this vital organ can support your “For me, heartfulness is the On a literal level, you might
wellbeing? process of living life by focusing pay attention to the steady beat
Simply put, ‘heartfulness’ is the on how your life impacts your of your heart to bring your mind
practice of centring mindfulness heart – because the heart is back to the present. Beyond that,
around the literal, emotional, central to your vitality,” says by centring yourself to focus on
and spiritual heart. Meaning to Jacqueline Denton, a meditation that central beat, you can remind
use the heartbeat as an ‘anchor’ teacher and holistic therapist. yourself of where you are. >>>
Heartfulness
is the process
of living life by
focusing on how
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| happiful.com
refill your cup
your
Portraits| Karolina Bak
T A K I N G
T I M E
Carina Lawson, founder of eco-friendly planner brand Ponderlily,
knows how hard it can be to make time for wellbeing, which is why she’s helping
people create space for meaning and a life of fullness, rather than busyness
Writing | Lucy Donoughue
H
ow many times has health issue, or book to have your would make you personally feel
Sunday evening rolled haircut in the week ahead, only to better or healthier, but you’ve
around, and you’ve find your personal to-dos fall to simply not got around to, or can’t
promised yourself the bottom of your list by Monday find the time for?
you’re going to make a dentist lunchtime? Is there something on If the answer is yes, then you’re
appointment, address an ongoing your list right now that you know part of a huge group of people >>>
A
racing heart, clammy 1. BE PREPARED 2. BE YOURSELF
hands, and a million When the day comes around, We know, it’s easier said than
and one thoughts you don’t want to be held up done when you’re feeling under
rushing around your worrying over the ‘where’ and pressure. But everything comes
head – first dates are intimidating ‘when’. “Discuss the details of the more naturally when we’re being
things. Whether you’ve met the date, like where you are going true to ourselves. “Relax, breathe,
person before, or this will be the to meet – preferably in a public and try to take the pressure off
first time that you lay eyes on setting so that you both can feel yourself,” Ayesha suggests. “Avoid
them, that initial date can come safe,” Ayesha says. “Confirm the focusing on whether your date
with a whole load of pressure. location and time again on the likes you, instead divert your
But you don’t need to let nerves day of the date. Give yourself focus to enjoying the experience
overshadow your time together. enough time to travel so you and learning about them. Don’t
With help from Ayesha Giselle, can be on time, and have a few hide your quirks – they make you
a life and accountability coach conversational questions to unique and interesting.” You don’t
dedicated to helping people hand so that you won’t be lost for need to give everything away at
develop confidence, we share words.” With all the admin out the once, it takes time to get to know
six tips for dispelling first-date way, you’ll be in a much better a person, but by presenting your
jitters, for good. mindset to enjoy the experience. true self from day one, you’ll
be much more likely to know makes the other person feel attention to those feelings – but
whether your date is a good valued, listened to, and seen.” don’t let unrealistic expectations
match. If you’ve been chatting to get in the way of wonderful, new
the person before the date, experiences.
3. SILENCE YOUR INNER CRITIC you might have picked up
Does your mind become flooded on some topics that they are 6. SET YOUR INTENTION
with negative self-talk when really interested in. By taking “Setting intentions is the act
faced with a new and nerve- the time to listen, you’ll put of stating what you intend to
wracking experience? It’s a your date at ease, leading to accomplish through your actions,
natural thing, but that doesn’t a more comfortable overall while letting go of control,” Ayesha
mean we should give in to it. atmosphere. explains. “This will allow you to
“Give yourself a pep talk and a choose how you show up, how you
confidence boost before you head 5. TAKE THE PRESSURE OFF present yourself – allowing you to
out on your date,” says Ayesha. Try to let go on some of the focus and be mindful of who you
“Remind yourself of all of the expectations that you might are in the moment.”
things that make you amazing, be holding onto. Cultivate an Your intention might be to
likeable, loveable, irresistible, attitude of “everything happens have a calm, relaxing evening,
interesting, unique, and fun. Your for a reason”, so if things don’t or to make a deep connection.
brain cannot hold two conflicting go exactly to plan, you don’t “Setting your intentions can
thoughts at the same time – so, by internalise any fault. help you to relax, feel confident
focusing on the positives, you’ll “A lot of people take dating and self-assured,” Ayesha adds.
silence your inner critic.” too seriously in the beginning “And it could make your date feel
stages, have unrealistic heard, understood, and valued.
4. BE CURIOUS expectations, and a need to Your intentions may be to have
“A good way to be interesting is control the outcome,” Ayesha fun and go with the flow. Or it
to be interested,” says Ayesha. says. “This puts way too could be to just simply enjoy the
“People love to talk about much pressure on the dating experience of getting to know
themselves – so ask curious experience. Release control and someone new.” Whatever your
questions. What’s your most let go of expectation. Allow the intentions and aims may be, do
treasured memory? What’s your date to be light, and flow where them with confidence.
favourite place and why? Who it needs to flow.”
inspires you and what about Of course, if something doesn’t For more articles and support
them is inspiring to you? Asking feel right, or you spot some on finding your confidence visit
questions and being interested red flags, make sure to pay lifecoach-directory.org.uk
S
cientists often refer to the don’t eat enough oily fish – rich in may be linked to mental health
gut as the second brain, omega 3 – are more likely to have conditions such as depression
and with more than 95% depression. and anxiety.
of serotonin (the 'happy While 2020 was a tough year
hormone') manufactured by the WHY IS THE GUT for many of us, there was some
gut, it’s no surprise that our “gut SIGNIFICANT? good news which came from it
feelings” are often correct. The gut-brain connection is too, as it could be the year we
The impact our food heavily influenced by the gut revolutionised the importance of
choices have on our mood microbiome (GM) – trillions of gut health for overall wellbeing,
can be profound. After all, bacteria that create a unique with many studies suggesting
neurotransmitters sending ecosystem in our guts. Specific that the health of our gut
messages to the brain travel species of healthy bacteria microbiome is key to positive
along a direct chemical pathway, produce serotonin, which is mental health. So, if your gut
from the gut to the central closely linked to our mood, bacteria is out of balance, you
nervous system. Some studies and it’s been found that low may find you struggle to regulate
even suggest that people who levels of this 'happy hormone' your mood.
C
limate change can provides a practical guide for How to Avoid a Climate
often feel like an issue achieving a global target of Disaster: The Solutions
that’s too big for us as zero emissions, as well as why We Have and the
individuals to solve. this mission is so important, Breakthroughs We Need
But Microsoft co-founder and which Bill makes clear is not a by Bill Gates
philanthropist Bill Gates, with simple task, but is “firmly Out 16 February
the help of leading experts, has within our reach”.
put together a clear explanation Including explanations of climate change, Bill combines
of the major challenges we’re how we should be addressing decades of his own investigatory
facing across the globe, to help chemical, biological, political research and presents it in a simple
us focus the fight. The book also and financial matters that affect and accessible way.
Must reads
National The Best is Yet How to Calm It
Trust Book of to Come by Grace Victory
Baking by Katy Colins Out now
by Sybil Out 18 March As a creator,
Kapoor For most of podcaster, and
Out 15 April her life, things trainee counsellor,
With the just seemed our columnist Grace
nearing of to come Victory is well-equipped to inspire
British spring comes a wealth naturally to readers to discover more about
of growth and colour in fields Izzy – that is until she found the connection between the mind
across the country. Drawing herself struggling under the and body. Including essential tips
on Britain’s baking heritage pressure of parenthood. But for times when you need them
and history, this new edition upon hearing of an elderly most, Grace’s guide is the perfect
of award-winning writer Sybil neighbour in need of a friend, accompaniment for our journey
Kapoor’s classic recipe book she quickly jumps into the of self-love, acceptance, and
shares some of her favourite maternal role. Katy Colins’ understanding. It’s important to make
puddings, savoury treats, and emotional novel is a heart- a conscious effort to value yourself
breads that utilise glorious warming tale filled with love, – mind and body – every day, and
seasonal produce. friendship, and courage. Grace makes this a practical priority.
3 4
PUT ON A SHOW LEND US
YOUR EARS
Presentation party
A presentation party ‘Constantly
could be just the thing to get Evolving’
1
you talking. Each person makes Tune-in as iconic rapper Eve
a short slideshow presentation chats with a host of famous
on their chosen topic. But don’t faces, and voices, as they
doze off just yet, the topics could candidly open up about the
be as niche and funny as you lessons they’ve learned and
desire – from ‘best one-liners in the wisdom they can share.
movie history’, to ‘countries with Series one is out now, and
PAGE-TURNERS the weirdest sayings’, or ‘why we features guests including
The Panic Years by Nell Frizzell should all be team Jacob’. At the Paloma Faith, Noëlla
Hailed as the “arm around end of the night, crown a winner. Coursaris Musunka, and
the shoulder of every woman (Make presentations for Henry Holland.
trying to navigate life’s big free with Google Slides) (Listen on BBC Sounds)
decisions”, renowned journalist
5
Nell Frizzell’s guide to the
biggest challenges faced
by women is the honest,
touching, and funny
introduction to the mother of
all questions: should I have a
baby?
(Out 11 February, £14.99, PLUGGED-IN
Bantam Press)
2
Calligraphy by Kiki
The art of calligraphy
OUT AND ABOUT comes with a host of
Historic walks mindful benefits, plus
History is all around us, it’s the perfect skill for
and it’s there for the taking. adding something
Discover historic sites in your area, follow in the footsteps of those special to cards and gifts for
who have come before us, and find a new perspective on what life loved ones. Follow Kiki as she
might have been like in the past. There are thousands of free and shares tips and tricks for
paid historical sites to visit all around the country – and they’re those interested in picking
ripe for exploration. up the pen.
(Find walks and sites by visiting english-heritage.org.uk) Follow @calligraphy.by.kiki
62 | happiful.com
6
9
TECH TIP-OFFS THE CONVERSATION
Vocabulary Builder National Storytelling Week
There’s nothing more satisfying The power of stories cannot be
than finding the perfect word to express underestimated. Tales have the ability to
a thought, feeling, or sentiment. The transport us to other worlds and inspire us
Vocabulary Builder app helps you build to reflect on our own. Spend some time contemplating the
this knowledge, based on the “1,200 most stories that have touched your life, share them with others,
important words”. Work through the levels, and join in with online events and talks hosted by writers
and put your knowledge to the test with and authors. (30 January to 6 February 2021. Sign up for
quizzes and recaps. talks and find resources by visiting sfs.org.uk)
(Available on Android and iOS)
7
SQUARE EYES
The Queen’s Gambit
Based on the 1983 novel of the
same title, The Queen’s Gambit tells the
10 GET GOING
Retroglow
Fitness should be fun, and these
Retroglow | retroglowstudios.com
8 TREAT YOURSELF
The Crop Club – Mini growing kit
Always been interested in gardening but don’t know where to start? Or struggle to find
WIN!
the time and space? A social enterprise on a mission to help people grow food in small
places, the growing kits from The Crop Club are the perfect thing for green fingers. The
mini kit includes everything you need to get started growing windowsill herbs and edible
flowers, and to bring the joy of growing food into the home. (£14.50, thecropclub.com)
happiful.com | 63
How to find hygge in your home
As the winter months draw in, what could be more appealing than embracing the
essence of Danish cosiness? Here we share three essential tips for making the most
of what you already have at home – and it doesn’t have to cost you a thing!
S
ince we’re spending more In recent years, hygge The word comes from Denmark,
time inside than usual (pronounced “hoo-gah”) has and is used to acknowledge a
this winter, it really does become a buzzword, with more feeling or moment that is “cosy,
feel like hibernation of us buying fluffy throws and charming or special”. The Danes
season. So, there’s never been candles every winter to have created hygge to help them cope
a better time to embrace the hygge-like homes. But, there’s with long, dark days, so, in its
concept of hygge. more to it than just an interiors simplest form, hygge is about
trend, and a certain aesthetic. creating light and warmth in a
wellbeing
I
t was a mild, early autumn day back in 2002 torso, the eventual amputation of my right leg just
when I set out on my Triumph motorbike to below the knee, and the long-term effects of post-
ride the classic winding North Yorkshire roads traumatic stress and depression. To hear that no
to Whitby. But I never arrived. one expects you to live, and then when I did to hear
Not far from the safety of the small harbour that you may never walk again, and then when
town, my bike broke loose from the road and I did learn to walk, to lose my career, home and
I slipped straight under the front wheel of an a few of my friends along the way – let’s just say,
oncoming 25-tonne lorry. It probably doesn’t without too much melodrama, that I have spent
need saying, but it was a catastrophic near-fatal many days in the depths of despair and depression.
accident. Lying on the road, facing the sky, To survive, I had to reach inside and draw on all
unable to feel my right leg, I had no idea what, if my resources, which included learning to reach out
any, future lay ahead of me. But I knew nothing to those around me. As a professional therapist,
would be the same. I knew the emotional impact of limb loss would
Somewhere between the quietness of that prove one of my most difficult challenges. While
remote moorland road and the crucible of still in St James’s Hospital, Leeds, I referred myself
intensive care, my life became unrecognisable. for therapy sessions with a clinical psychologist
For almost a decade, I had been working who specialised in people’s experience of trauma.
long shifts in an emotionally and physically I made sure to involve my family and friends in
demanding job as a children’s therapist within my emotional journey, too. I realised they would
a dedicated therapeutic unit. I enjoyed the also feel the effect of my trauma and limb loss. In
camaraderie of a close-knit team, and had other words, we would all need to dig deep in our
become a team leader and manager. On my days own ways to travel this journey together. In order
off, I restored by immersing myself in the hills to thrive, I needed to not just learn to walk again,
and mountains close to my home on the edge of but to return to the active lifestyle and green spaces
the Yorkshire Dales. At weekends, I danced until that had previously helped restore me, albeit in a
sunrise in the neon nightlife of Leeds. different ways. This is where my years of martial
All of that came to an abrupt end. The arts practice came to serve me.
devastation of the crash had left me with multiple A daily practice of martial arts teaches us that
injuries to my legs, hands, shoulders, head, and progress comes with perseverance, and patience. >>>
BRYONY GORDON
SHAHROO IZADI GRACEJOE WICKS
VICTORY
PROFESSOR GREEN
MEGAN CRABBE ADRIENNE HERBERT
FIONA LAMB
Normal?
no such
thing...
Founder of Mental Health Mates, writer and podcast host
Bryony Gordon shares her thoughts about working on wellness,
understanding your inner voice, and building personal resilience
Writing | Lucy Donoughue
C
hatting with Bryony why she’s interviewed everyone been the case, as since she’s
Gordon is like picking from Prince Harry to frontline lived with Pure O (a form of
up a conversation you nurses, witnessed their darkest obsessive compulsive disorder
put on hold to answer reflections, and shared their centering around often deeply
the door. It feels familiar, every hopes with millions of listeners frightening, intrusive thoughts)
day, and easy. She has a knack on her podcast ‘Mad World’. since her pre-teens, Bryony
of speaking about some of the If we all have a superpower then spent many of her formative
toughest topics in mental health Bryony’s, I suspect, is being very years suppressing what she was
with a normality that encourages real and honest about what she really thinking, for fear of the
others to open up too, which is believes in. That hasn’t always reaction from others. >>>
to lockdown in my head all alone. better short-circuit that” and I Mental illness can build your
I think that perspective might move onto the next thing. The personal resilience
resonate with a lot of people who more we work at our wellness and Through being very unwell, I
have experienced mental illness. learn, the easier it gets. have learnt an awful lot about
"
being well. I’m not saying
Know that your inner voice that mental ill-health is a gift,
isn’t always right because clearly it’s not. I can’t
I imagine my OCD and change it though – my brain,
alcoholism as a figure that’s I can say now that for some reason, has chosen to
invaded my brain, and it has a create some coping mechanisms
voice that’s indistinguishable some of the best that don’t work. So I have to work
from my own, so I think it’s me,
and I have to remind myself that
things in my life with what I have, and through
doing that I’ve realised that I am
it’s not. Sometimes if I want to do have come from actually quite a resilient person
something, I shouldn’t do it, and
if I don’t want to do something, I
some of the worst – I’m quite strong! I can say now
that some of the best things in
should do it! For example, I don’t my life have come from some of
want to get out of bed, I don’t Our life and health evolves the worst.
want to go for a run – but I tell I realised that I was using food
myself to just do it. We really have as a real comfort throughout
to recognise that our brains don’t lockdown, in the same way that
always want the best for us, and lots of people were using alcohol
circumvent that. – but that’s not an option that’s
open to me.
We need to work at wellness I was bulimic for 10 years of my
When I first got sober, the life, and I thought that because
cravings for alcohol were there I wasn’t purging, I was only
every night for months. I was bingeing, it was fine. But I came
physically exhausted from to understand through writing
fighting them and the thought No Such Thing As Normal that I’ve
that it would be easier to give in. been brought quite low through ‘No Such Thing as Normal’ by Bryony
Now, alcohol crosses my mind binge-eating, so now I’m going to Gordon is out now (Headline, £14.99).
You can also listen to Bryony’s
occasionally, but I just think do some work around that. Life thoughts on mental health
“that’s interesting, my brain is is a process, and these things and learning every day on
telling me I should have a drink, happen to us as our lives evolve. Happiful’s podcast, ‘I am. I have’.
74 | happiful.com
relationships
I’ll be there
for you
A kind gesture can go a long
way, so here are four simple
ways you can make a loved
one feel appreciated
Writing | Chelsea Graham
Now we’re cookin’! mean that the next time they want to upcycle a wardrobe, or
Whether it’s an old family recipe, invite you to a game you organise the overflowing shed.
or experimenting with something can impress them with your An extra set of hands could
new, mixing it up in the kitchen observations. Or brushing up on make the chore much more
can be a wonderful way to show the back story to their favourite appealing – that little boost of
someone you’re thinking about show could let you engage in a encouragement and some good
them. Why not surprise a friend fun debate. You could even read company will go a long way!
or family member by leaving a one of their favourite books to
delicious pre-made dish on their surprise them with your own Call me, maybe
doorstep, or drop off ingredients thoughts. Nowadays, we might be more
for their favourite meal and do a familiar with using our mobiles
virtual cook-along? Sounds like Lend a helping hand to online shop, read articles,
the recipe for success! Have you ever had that one or scroll through social media.
task on your to-do list that just But, funnily enough, they
Do your homework never gets ticked off? Don’t do have a few other useful
We all have our own personal worry, we’re all guilty of putting features, too. A simple, but
pursuits, but how much do you things off from time to time, meaningful way to remind
really know about your loved whether it’s just a tedious job, someone that they are in your
ones’ favourite things? Getting or something that induces thoughts is to give them a call.
out of your comfort zone and anxiety. But think how much Receiving an unexpected call or
learning about what makes your you’d appreciate it if someone message from a friend can be
friends, family members, or helped you tackle those dreaded a really wonderful way to start
partner tick can provide a great chores? or finish a day. You don’t need a
way to connect – and show them Listen out for when someone rigid purpose for a chat, simply
how much they mean to you. in your household reveals a hearing your voice could help
Learning the rules of a sport task they’ve been avoiding, and to reduce any stress or anxiety
they’re passionate about will offer to help out. Maybe they they’re feeling.
happiful.com | 75
Ditch the
drama:
how to set
boundaries
Friendship groups can be tricky to navigate, but as life
coach and author Michelle Elman shares, boundaries
can be powerful tools to ensure quality connections
E
ver felt the pain of revolutionarily, friendships could gathered outside Charlotte’s door,
overhearing a friend be simple. It was a long road to because someone saw Nick go in
talking about you behind get to that realisation though... it last night. Half-asleep, you walk
your back? Or maybe Rewind to 2011, and imagine up to the group of people only
the guilt of knowing living in a room off a corridor to be pestered about what you
you revealed a secret that was that connects your entire know because “you always know
shared with you in confidence? friendship group – your very everything”.
Growing up, I always associated large friendship group consisting This was my life a decade ago.
friendships with drama, so of 25 people. You are woken up by Every day I was involved in
imagine my shock when I someone shouting: “Nick got with some new drama. Without the
discovered that this didn’t need Charlotte last night!” You step out qualifications of being the life
to be the case and that, rather of your room to find everyone coach I am now, I was already
the surrogate life coach of our to the drama? A big old dose of only one who can solve your issue
corridor, which meant I was boundaries. is the person who caused the
the confidant, advice-giver, and Speaking now, with much more issue. When there’s a problem, it
‘mum’ of the friendship group. understanding of the importance can be tempting to get people to
While this was a compliment, of setting and respecting healthy take sides and essentially create
and initially an honour to be boundaries, here are four of my teams within your friendship
so trusted, as we matured, it essential tips to put these in place group. In the situation above,
quickly became exhausting. – and ditch the drama. if you wanted to know about
The constant drama became Nick or Charlotte’s relationship,
annoying, mind-numbingly 1. TALK IT OUT the person to ask would have
repetitive, and I didn’t want any Stop talking about the person and been Nick or Charlotte, so that’s
part of it anymore. The solution start talking to the person. The exactly what I said: “It’s not my >>>
W
hen I was signed Whether you’ve been signed off illness is a master at
off work, looming for two months or two weeks, it masking reality, which is
deadlines filled can be difficult to know what to do why it’s so important to
my head while the next. But from someone who has fight back by implementing
prospect of letting colleagues been where you are now, here are daily routines. Set an alarm
down weighed heavily on my some tips on how to best manage every morning. Brush your
already jumbled conscience. this time. teeth, eat three meals a day,
After about two weeks of sleeping and change your clothes. Even
the days away, barely eating, and 1. SWITCH OFF COMPLETELY if you can only do something very
crying in the shower, I realised I First things first, stop feeling small, like splashing cold water on
needed to get better – to untangle guilty about work. Set up an out of your face, it’s still an achievement.
my thoughts and figure out how office on your email, and delete These are the things that make us
I’d reached this point. By taking any work-related apps from your feel human again.
this time off, I was taking action, phone. In fact, put your phone
and I was going to recover. completely out of reach if it tempts 3. BE SOCIAL
If you have recently been you to check things. Once you’ve A common misconception about
signed off work because of informed your employer you’re being signed off work is that you
your mental health, it helps to taking a break, they should know shouldn’t leave the house. My
remember that you’re not alone. to keep their distance, and only doctor actually advised going away
Approximately one in four check-in when appropriate. In somewhere, because staying inside
people in the UK will experience the meantime, concentrate on all day is only going to fuel the
a mental health problem each yourself – and remember that you isolating impact of mental illness.
year, and almost 15% of these are more than just your job. While lockdown may restrict your
are work-related. It’s far better options for the time being, you can
to take the time you need now 2. MAINTAIN STRUCTURE still go out in the fresh air for your
rather than risk feeling worse You may want to climb into bed daily exercise, do the food shop, or
further down the line. and stay there forever. Mental call a friend for a catch-up. Being
the house
S
tephen Manderson became a better. We have to get to a point where
Owning your
vulnerability
makes you a
stronger person
down, it ends up coming to hit
you sideways.”
As well as his ability to clearly
articulate difficult subjects,
one of the main reasons that
Stephen is such a powerful
voice in the mental health
conversation is that he speaks
from his own experience. That
said, I wonder whether, when
talking about mental health
in the public space, there is
a certain pressure to be the
‘after’ photo in a ‘before and
after’ of good mental health?
To have already conquered the
challenges, and be speaking
from the ‘other side’?
“I think that goes back to
always wanting to fix things,
whether it’s in other people
or ourselves,” Stephen says.
“There isn’t really a ‘before’
and ‘after’. Someone asked
me how I got over my
anxiety while being in the
public eye – but I don’t
think I’m cured. I don’t
think my anxiety has
gone away. And I actually
think there have been
points in my life where it’s
probably saved my life –
fight or flight, you know?
We have fight or flight and
it’s for survival, but you
shouldn’t be just surviving. >>>
me until my 20s to
ache,’ it would be straight to the psychological trauma end up
doctor, and from the doctor to with IBS, and a lot of people with
the hospital,” he explains. “They
would do all these investigations,
work that one out IBS suffer psychological trauma,
so it’s a chicken and egg situation,
and would find nothing.” and mine was a combination of
C
ommunication – we But the good news is you you feel as though you and your
all know it’s one of the don’t have to sign up for night partner know everything there
key factors in a healthy, school to become fluent in these is to know about each other.
happy relationship. But, methods of communication. In But whether you’re still in the
when it comes to expressing love, fact, all it takes is a bit of time, honeymoon phase, or you’re
what happens if you’re speaking understanding, and the question, hurtling towards your ruby
entirely different languages? ‘How can I love you?’ anniversary, taking the time to
The concept of “love languages” “To work out your own love learn each other’s love languages
comes from author Dr Gary language, take some time to can unlock a whole new level of
Chapman in his bestselling reflect on what your partner does intimacy.
book The 5 Love Languages. The that makes you feel special and “We connect more by learning
idea is that everyone gives and loved,” says Bibi Jamieson, an how to speak and receive in our
receives love in different ways integrative psychotherapeutic partner’s language,” says Bibi.
but, for most of us, our primary counsellor and couples therapist. “Where previously, you might
preference can be sorted into “Next, think about, and notice, have felt frustrated, because no
one of five categories: words of what you do that makes your matter how hard you tried, you
affirmation, quality time, gifting, partner light up, and then share just couldn’t please each other
acts of service, and physical your findings with each other.” – or disappointed because your
touch. As Dr Chapman sees it, the How often do we take the time expectations were not met – now
key to relationship bliss is to learn to have ‘relationship check-ins’? it becomes exciting to learn each
to speak yours, and your partner’s, In long-term relationships, it can other’s language. What’s really
languages. be easy to get to the point where lovely is when you realise all
Quality time the times you have been shown understand why your partner,
love in the past. For example, if who values quality time
“This is the gift of your your partner’s language is acts of together, may not be so keen on
presence,” says Bibi. “Love service, you realise all those cups group outings and double dates.
is expressed by taking the of tea brought to you in bed were Of course, there are some
time to give your partner an ‘I love you’.” pitfalls to watch out for. As
undivided attention.” Of As Bibi sees it, learning how Bibi puts it, even if you and
course, just spending time to speak each other’s love your partner have the same
together doesn’t necessarily languages is about feeling secure, love language, you may speak
equate to quality time, appreciated, and seen. And this different dialects. For example,
you need to really be stretches beyond how we express you both might be into physical
present with each other, love to teach us more about touch, but could still have
without distractions. “If this our preferences and behaviour different preferences on how,
is your love language, put – for example, you might now where, and when. >>>
boundaries around your
dedicated time together, for
example, putting devices
away and making an effort
to be uninterrupted.”
Acts of service
“A helping hand is an act of love. Asking, ‘What can I do to help?” is
your way of saying ‘I love you’,” Bibi says. Acts of service could be
anything from helping out with chores, to doing practical things to To work out your own love
make your partner’s life easier. “Actions speak louder than words
language, take some time
here, so if you say you’ll do it – do it,” Bibi warns. “Likewise, these
people need affirmation when they do something for you. Say: ‘I
to reflect on what your
see you changed the sheets today. Thank you.’” partner does that makes
you feel special and loved
“Another important point affirmation as an indulgence, extravagant presents may upset
to make is that our historical such a person might either crave someone who believes presents
and cultural beliefs may value these words of affirmation or, only come on special occasions.
or devalue one language over conversely, really struggle to This is why it’s really important to
another,” Bibi adds. “For example, actually give words of affirmation. check-in regularly with each other,
if one partner comes from Likewise with gift-giving – to make sure you’re speaking the
a culture that sees words of someone who believes in giving right dialect of love to each other.”
Physical Touch
This one is about more than just sex. “Body language and the right
touch can express concern, care, understanding, or joy,” says Bibi. “If Bibi is an integrative
this is your partner’s love language, ask them, ‘How do you like to be psychotherapeutic counsellor and
couples therapist. She also volunteers
touched? When? Where? How?’ A massage, a hug, a foot rub, a kiss
at mental health charity Headstrong,
on the forehead, a hand on the small of your back, hand-holding, and as a couples pre-marital guide
kisses, hair stroking, are all various ways to say ‘I love you’.” at HTB church. Find out more by
visiting counselling-directory.org.uk
Self-care activities
Whether you’ve got five minutes or an hour,
there’s always something you can do to support
and nourish yourself. You deserve it
Painful sex:
it’s time to speak up
F
or women, discussions I decided to go to the doctor. symptoms, including itching
about painful sex start Our relationship was quickly and burning.
early. The fear of our first deteriorating, and I hoped that “Thinking sex was the
time hurting can be enough sorting out our sex life would pinnacle of a relationship (it’s
to put us off. The promise of it keep us together. not), I opted for painful and
getting better, however, spurs us After various tests, scans and excruciating sex over none at
on. But what if, for some people, it hospital appointments, I was all,” Zoe explains. “This wasn’t
never gets better? diagnosed with vestibulodynia, a wise and caused me more harm
I remember feeling intense condition that causes pain when than good, but it’s hard to think
shame when this happened to the inner vulva/vagina is touched. clearly when a chronic illness
me. At first I wondered if sex While the relationship wasn’t jumps into your life.”
was painful for everyone, and we salvageable in the end, I was After being misdiagnosed
were all just acting to keep our relieved to have a diagnosis. It with thrush, eventually Zoe was
partners happy. But then I came gave me something to work with. referred to the gynaecology
to the conclusion that I was in fact My story doesn’t stand alone. department at the hospital
the odd one out, and there was In a 2017 study published in the where she was diagnosed with
something wrong with me. International Journal of Obstetrics vulvodynia, which is pain of the
The idea of telling anyone that and Gynaecology, it was revealed vulva (even without touch).
sex hurt (let alone a partner) that nearly one in 10 British “Interestingly, many GPs
felt incomprehensible. It wasn’t women find sex painful. still aren’t familiar with this
until I finally bit the bullet and Zoe Hinchcliffe was 17 when term when I visit the doctors,”
told a long-term boyfriend that she started getting unusual Zoe adds. “This is why it’s so >>>
I
remember one particular night in 2018, when with me back then but, honestly, I didn’t mind
it was four in the morning, and I was turning at all. My grandparents taught me things like
in my bed. The thought of someone behind reading, stitching, and making perfectly round
me, watching me sleep, kept haunting me. I naan bread. I am grateful to have been able to
was too scared to close my eyes. A whisper in my make those fun memories with them.
head kept prompting me to check the door was Overall, my childhood was good. I had a
shut, and that no shadows were lurking outside fantastic set of friends at school, although being
my room. a dark, chubby girl with glasses meant that I was
The silence of the night meant that I could bullied a lot. People would steal my glasses, pull
hear the voice even louder. I kept praying for my hair, and call me ugly. I think one of the most
my parents to wake up, so I could safely go to vivid memories I have is of a boy trying to strangle
sleep. I knew that these obsessive thoughts me, and push me off a balcony.
were not real. However, in the moment, the A real, pivotal age for me was when I was nine.
overwhelming sensation of anxiety always My parents decided we were moving to the UK,
made me give in to everything that the voice and told me just two weeks before we were flew
whispered to me. out. After spending most of my days with my
I have fought my demons every night for the grandparents, the idea of suddenly being apart
past 10 years. I still battle them today, but what’s from them was really traumatising for me. I
changed is that now I don’t give in. I talk back. remember being filled with anger and resentment
And on most days, I win. towards my parents. But, eventually, I understood
I was born in New Delhi, India. We lived in a that they were only trying to give my brother and
big house, along with my grandparents, uncle me a better chance at life.
and aunt. Every person in my family is a doctor In the UK, I was the new girl in a private girls’
of some kind, and so understandably, when my school. I could feel all eyes on me, watching
parents were still starting out in their careers me, judging me. I just wanted to fit in and make
they were working most of the time. But I was new friends, but, sadly, having a “fresh off the
never left alone. I spent the first five years of my boat” Indian accent did not make that easy. I felt
life mostly with my grandparents. My parents isolated. Everyone made fun of me. So, I changed
still feel guilty about not spending enough time myself from a tomboy to a complete girly girl. >>>
Deepanshi started
Rain On Me in 2018
1
Lie on your back, with your
feet slightly apart, and your The full body scan
palms facing up. Closing your
eyes can be helpful, but it’s
Try this mindfulness technique to
not absolutely necessary. tune-in with yourself
2
For all the following steps,
take as much time as you
need to want on each one –
there’s no rush here.
5
Consider all the sensations in the area
your mind is focusing on. Really pay
6
attention to how it is feeling – tight, sore,
heavy or light, hot or cold? Think about If your mind wanders
how your clothes or the surface you’re away, that’s OK! Just be
on feels against your skin. It’s also OK if aware of this, and gently
you don’t feel anything in a particular bring yourself back to the
area, just notice that too. moment and your body.
7
Once you feel you’ve explored
your body and the sensations
8 enough, bring your focus back
to your breathing and body as a
whole for a few moments.
When you’re ready, gently
open your eyes if they are closed,
and enjoy the benefits of this
mindful moment.
Join The
Revolution!