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Contents
Board of Officers....................................................................................................................... 3
Preface............................................................................................................................................. 4
Dedications ..................................................................................................................................... 5
Featured Publications ...................................................................................................................... 6
Op-Eds ........................................................................................................................................ 6
Scholarship .................................................................................................................................. 6
Year in Review ............................................................................................................................... 9
Students Protest the Third Amendment .................................................................................. 9
Future of the Profession Initiative Announces Automated Kiosk Installed on Graduation
Stage For Students to File Bankruptcy ................................................................................. 10
Penn Law Fight Night Review .............................................................................................. 10
Student Wins Prestigious Clerkship with Judge Steve Harvey ............................................ 11
Windows to be Added to Gittis Basement Rooms................................................................ 12
Student Spotlights ......................................................................................................................... 14
In Memoriam ................................................................................................................................ 16
Remembering the Roger Taney Medallion: Gone, but Forgotten ........................................ 16
Word Search.................................................................................................................................. 17
Signature Page .............................................................................................................................. 18
Join Us .......................................................................................................................................... 19

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 BOARD OF OFFICERS

VOLUME 1

Editor-in-Chief and President

MICHAEL APRATIM VIDYARTHI

Chief Editor Chief of Editors Chief-in-Editor

MICHAEL DAN HOLTZER MICHAEL “THE MICHAEL” KRONE MICHAEL NATE KEGEL

Editor’s Chief Editing Chief

MICHAEL “THE MICHAEL” PATTIS MICHAEL RYAN RIZZO

Faculty Advisor
MICHAEL “SCARFACE” MURPHY,
His Excellency, President for
Life, Grand Marshal, JD, PhD,
MBA, MD, MS, LLM, Lord of
All the Beasts of the Earth
and Fishes of the Seas, and
Conqueror of Penn Law in
General and Michaels in
Particular

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 PREFACE
Two years ago, in the face of an unprecedented crisis, students and young people were asked to
shoulder a massive burden. Our community, our school, and our country asked us to take on an
enormous weight. In the face of uncertainty and out of an abundance of compassion and strength,
the Penn Law community did its best to protect our families, our friends, and ourselves.
But if we’re being honest—some of us went above and beyond. Some members of our community
made the extra effort to stay socially distanced. I for one locked myself in my childhood bedroom
for two years, doing nothing but studying for the LSAT and following the tenets of r/NoFap. Two
years later, when my parents evicted me, I came to campus where I found that Pennn had reopened.
The strength and resilience that our community has displayed this year has been phenomenal.
We’ve shown flexibility and patience in the face of shifting guidelines, testing requirements, and
an Open Pass that doesn’t connect to our ID. We’ve done the hard work of reviving campus life
after a two year pause. And if the rest of this booklet is anything to go by, we’ve failed. Miserably.
Just like I failed my driver’s test. And my blood test. And my IQ test.
But with the hope of a new beginning comes a recognition of the hardships we’ve faced. Many of
us have suffered loss from the pandemic: internships, jobs, the lives of our loved ones, and my
relationship with my girlfriend of four years. She met me on the steps of the Law School shortly
after Fall grades came out. I was explaining the curve and my genius strategy to spend the entirety
of my Contracts exam identifying Torts. She told me to shut up. Then she told me it was over. I
haven’t seen her since. Well, once on Tinder. I superliked her. We didn’t match.
The Pen community has been there for all of us in a hundred different ways over this difficult
period. From the administrators to the professors, the TAs to the Littletons, the facilities staff to
the security team, everyone has worked hard to make the school a welcoming and open place. I
just wish I could be that open with my therapist. Sometimes it’s just so hard, you know. They ask
these piercingly intense questions. And you’re not used to answering that sort of thing without five
layers of sarcasm and weak humor. So you just make something up to get past the question. And
now you’re straight-up lying. Then it’s over. And you can’t fix your mistake without admitting
that you lied. So you just leave and never go back. Because if you never talk to them again they’ll
never know you lied.
Come back Sarah. I know you’ve blocked me everywhere. I know that you’ve invited my parents
to your wedding and that you’re marrying my brother. Please, please come back. We can make it
work. I even got a B+ on Contracts.
Thanks to everyone in the Carrie Law Community for making 2021-22 a year to remember. For
those graduating, here’s to your future personal and professional success. For those with a few
more semesters left, let’s make Cary Law’s 2022-23 even better. I’d wish you all luck, but I don’t
think I have any extra to give away.
Yours Truly,
F.K. Namington

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 DEDICATIONS
To Jon Stewart—please hire me.—Apratim Vidyarthi
To Ms. P.—Michael Krone
To my dog.—Nate Kegel
To the Boy Scouts.—Dan Holtzer
To the 38th St. Wawa: please let me back in.—Nate Kegel
To the First Amendment, for letting us laugh.—Apratim Vidyarthi
To Rich Freer.—Ryan Rizzo
To Kony 2012.—Michael Krone
To the Cats Movie (Butthole Cut) for making me the way I am today.—Dan Holtzer

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 FEATURED PUBLICATIONS
OP-EDS
Many of our alumni have been vocal in advocating for meaningful change. 2L JD/MD candidate
B.J. Sackler had his opinion featured in Below the Law, excerpted below.
OPINION: STUDENT AFFAIRS, SKIP THE FREE COFFEE AND GIVE THE PEOPLE WHAT THEY WANT
Featured in BELOW THE LAW | By B.J. SACKLER
The pandemic has changed consumption patterns. We are drinking more alcohol, consuming less
gas, and buying every copy of local newspapers that cover lawsuits against the Sackler family,
only to burn those newspapers. Law schools must adapt to these changing models of consumption,
both to satisfy our needs, and to deal with the pressing issue of climate change.
Over the past year, Penn Law has been generous in pacifying the masses with a free-flowing drip
of free coffee. And while the La Colombe urns drew joy among some students, others were left
with a desire for more. Coffee simply will not suffice anymore. Students need stronger stimulants
to get them through Anthony Kennedy opinions, Anthony Kennedy concurrences, Anthony
Kennedy dissents, and finals. The Law School must provide a free Adderall service.
In the past, coffee may have sufficed when Penn “Carey” Law School was tied in the U.S. News
and World Report rankings with the “New” York University Law School. But now that Penn Law
stands unmatched as the sixth best law school in the country, the school needs to turn on the
afterburners to continue moving up the rankings. There is no better way to continue this movement
than to provide more free services, such as Adderall. A named delivery service, such as the Sackler
Adderall delivery service, could even add sheen and prestige to this unique offering from Penn
Law. And the Sacklers are currently looking for things to add their name to.
And if the Law School plans to keep the building open 24 hours during finals, it must afford the
students a means to make use of the building for each and every one of those 24 hours. Students
have become too acclimated to a liquid source of fuel, and it is obvious that this manufactured
dependence is simply a thinly veiled cost reduction technique meant to keep the lights off during
the hours when the Law School thinks no one will be in the building. As a means of protest, I and
the collective of Staying Up All Late Night Hours Law Students Association (SUALNHLSA) will
be undertaking a wake-in until we get the medication we deserve.
And finally, coffee simply is not sustainable in the midst of global warming and seismic climate
change. To ship beans from all over the world, guzzling gas for thousands of miles, is simply
irresponsible in this cataclysmic state. Indonesia literally moved its capital because of rising sea
levels. A daily fix of Java is simply a tort against future generations—unlike the sale of addictive
opiates to vulnerable populations. It is time that the Law School proactively adapts. It must give
the people what they want.
SCHOLARSHIP
Penn Law 3L Apratim Vidyarthi’s paper on the Law of Dibs was published in the Princeton Law
Review, Vol. 69.1 An excerpt is printed below.

1
Apratim Vidyarthi, An Originalist Assessment of the Law of Dibs, 69 PRINCETON L. REV. 420 (2022).

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 Princeton Law Review [Vol. 69: 420

AN ORIGINALIST ASSESSMENT OF THE LAW OF DIBS

APRATIM VIDYARTHI†

The2 law of dibs has a long and storied history, starting with
George Washington, who many people have claimed3 used the law
of dibs to first claim newly discovered parts of the Northeast in his
early challenge to the British Empire. These historical origins are
foundational to the law of dibs, which has been essential to the
American experiment and the formation of the fifty states. This
paper assesses these historical origins and how the contemporary
law of dibs deviates from its originalist intents.
Part I of this paper addresses the Common Law origins of
the law of dibs, starting with Henry VIII’s use of “dibs” to claim his
third, fourth,4 and sixth wives, and to annul his marriage to
Katherine of Aragon, his first wife5 (under the theory of the Dormant
Dibs Clause). In the late eighteenth century, this doctrine was
introduced to the American diaspora, though legal scholars dispute
who first brought it to the American Continent. This cleavage is
divided into two camps.6 One camp of scholars claims it was
Benjamin Franklin who first uttered these words when he
accidentally discovered a novel sexually transmitted disease (STD).7

† Ph.D Candidate in Pointless Arguments from the University of Austin. I’d like
to thank my parents, who are definitely not going to read this, and my friends, to
whom I beg: please laugh.
2
Spongebob Writes an Essay Meme, KAPWING (last visited Apr. 1, 2022),
https://www.kapwing.com/explore/spongebob-writes-an-essay-meme.
3
Dylan stableford, Many people are saying Trump spreads claims by citing ‘many
people’, YAHOO NEWS (Aug. 9, 2016), https://www.yahoo.com/news/many-
people-saying-trump-tweet-000000450.html?guccounter=1.
4
In this author’s opinion, it is unclear whether she was dibs-worthy.
5
A contemporary law around returning used items is based around Henry VIII’s
annulment of his first marriage.
6
A minority of historians claim that the first use of dibs was when James Wilson
used dibs to claim a seat on a carriage on his way to the constitutional convention,
although there is no data to confirm whether the carriage was in sight when he
called dibs. This theory is beyond the scope of this paper. Citation Needed,
WIKIPEDIA (last visited Apr. 16, 2022),
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Wikipedia:Citation_needed.
7
See, e.g., The Daily Show with Jon Stewart: War on Christmas – Historical Fact
Checking (Comedy Central television broadcast Dec. 12, 2011),
https://www.cc.com/video/61wwxr/the-daily-show-with-jon-stewart-war-on-

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 Princeton Law Review [Vol. 69: 420

The second camp claims that Thomas Jefferson brought the notion
of the law of dibs from France to the United States, and then used
that to propel the idea that “states have ‘dibs’ on rights.”8 This paper
contends that historical evidence sides with the Franklin camp.
Part II of this paper discusses the development of the law of
dibs since the founding. In particular, it looks at how Presidents and
Congress in the early nineteenth century violated the law of dibs
when stealing land from Native Americans. Critical examples
include President Andrew Jackson’s doctrine of “this law won’t stop
me because I can’t read.”9 Part II rounds out by discussing how
President John F. Kennedy used the law of dibs in his personal life.10
Part III of the paper discusses current developments in the
law of dibs. First, it looks at sub-theories and corollaries, including
the law of first dibs, calling shotgun, and the rule of nose goes.
Second, it looks at practical applications of the law of dibs in current
jurisprudence. Specifically, I propose that the law of dibs can feature
in simplifying Intellectual Property doctrine, child custody law,
tenancy property disputes, and can further developments in space
exploration and space law. Finally, Part III also does a deeper
philosophical exploration of the nature of dibbability, including
whether counter-dibs, un-dibbing, and double-dibbing are
permissible and fall within the scope of the originalist approach to
the law of dibs, and what a theoretical approach to multidimensional
or n-dimensional dibbability would look like.

christmas-historical-fact-checking (revealing Benjamin Franklin’s sexual

activities, which led to the development of such an STD).
8
See, e.g., The Daily Show with Jon Stewart: The South’s Secession
Commemoration (Comedy Central television broadcast Dec. 9, 2010),
https://www.cc.com/video/wlytvw/the-daily-show-with-jon-stewart-the-south-s-
secession-commemoration (asking: states’ rights to do what?, and stating “no one
says [the South] invented slavery, but [they] hung on to it like a motherfucker”);
States’ Rights to What, KNOWYOURMEME (2018),
https://knowyourmeme.com/memes/states-rights-to-what.
9
Cf. That Sign Can’t Stop Me Because I Can’t Read, KNOWYOURMEME (last
visited Apr. 1, 2022), https://knowyourmeme.com/memes/that-sign-cant-stop-
me-because-i-cant-read.
10
See Side chick issues, REDDIT (Nov. 30, 2018),
https://www.reddit.com/r/HistoryMemes/comments/a1z706/side_chick_issues/;
Lindsay Kimble, Meet JFK’s Alleged Mistresses—and How Some Met Mysterious
Ends, PEOPLE (Aug. 31, 2021), https://people.com/politics/john-f-kennedys-
mistresses/.

8
 YEAR IN REVIEW
Students Protest the Third Amendment
By Jerry Publius
FEBRUARY 2022—Penn Law students are
known for their groundbreaking and meaningful
activism. In February of 2022, in anticipation of
the war in Ukraine, Penn Law students
organized protests against the Third
Amendment. The Third Amendment, which
forbids soldiers from being quartered in any
house without the consent of the owner, was
seen as a threat to property rights and the right
to have a good night of sleep. Students also had
other pressing concerns. Mike Oxlong, a third-
year law student at the center of organizing the
protests, stated that “we don’t want the government coming for our houses. We can’t have all these
extremely fit, good-looking soldiers occupy our homes. I don’t want to see a six-foot-two former
division-three athlete do push-ups in my living room in preparation for the war. And I definitely
don’t want to see him do that while my boyfriend is around.”
Organizers began their first day of protesting by wearing t-shirts with the slogan “We Flip the Bird
at the Third.” Other students were taken aback by such vulgarity. Conservative opponents of the
protests stated that such protests were unpatriotic, with Ted Cruz going so far as to remark that “if
the military wanted to occupy my house, I’d open the front door to let them in. They’re welcome
to use my kitchen, shower in the master bathroom (but please dry your towels responsibly), and
share (the master bedroom with) my wife. They can even spend time with my kids while I vacation
in Cancun.”
By early March, students had escalated the protests, occupying the homes of veteran law students
to show them what it would feel like to have the Third Amendment employed against them. Said
Veteran Suq Madiq (2nd Infantry Division, Army), “I’ve fought in Iraq and Afghanistan, but this
is like nothing I’ve seen before. These students don’t even replace the toilet paper rolls the right
way, and they load the dishwasher all wrong.”
Not everyone has the same mission, however. Eric Shawn, a second-year, was overheard saying
that such protests are the best way to hook up with the “older, cool veterans.” Some students,
including lead second-year organizer Mike Hawk, fear that these secondary goals might lead to
factionalism and loss of vision. But for the moment, these protests represent Penn Law’s leadership
in activism and meaningful change.

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Future of the Profession Initiative
Announces Automated Kiosk
Installed on Graduation Stage For
Students to File Bankruptcy
By George Publius
MARCH 2022—Richard Long L’21 spent
his 3L summer lodging in a series of Peruvian
hostels. Torrented Themis videos play from
his iPod Nano, but the audio is drowned out
by violent grunting from his bunkmate above.
“It’s not as bad as it looks,” Long told Off the Penn Law Fight Night Review
Docket. “The creditors have mostly given up
and in a couple months I’ll be getting that big By Cosmo Publius
law salary debt free.” APRIL 2022—The biggest event of the year,
Long’s freedom is thanks to a cross- Fight Night, returned after a two-year hiatus.
disciplinary innovation championed by the Fight Night, which is a charity event, sees
Carry JD/MBA program, which will make Wharton and Law students fighting each
graduation look a little different. other with their most dangerous weapons:
their words. Students face off in the ring to
American law students carry heavy debt have loud, violent arguments about pressing
burdens, but few own much property that can topics in the news. This reporter managed to
be liquidated under Chapter 7. According to grab a stool for Penn’s most infamous and
the Lehman Ponzi, the original creator of the superspreader-y night of the year.
program, the solution is simple. “There’s all
this talk about ‘forgiveness’ and ‘fiscal Fight Night weekend began with weigh-in.
responsibility,’ but as long as C&F Competitors were assessed on their
investigators don’t get too aggressive we can Runescape Combat Level and words per
just wipe out the student loans before the minute typed. All competitors qualified.
students’ big law salaries kick in.”
The actual fights were contentious and
How does it work? After shaking the Dean’s marred with violent attacks. Of note, the
hand and walking across stage, freshly- lightweight fight featured Bench Appiro for
minted graduates can approach the kiosks Wharton and Alan Derpowtiz for Law.
and insert their diplomas as collateral. After Appiro landed the first blow, telling
paying a nominal fee, the machine will Derpowitz “you’ll never land a SCOTUS
initiate a Chapter 7 liquidation, sent directly clerkship—you’re simply not likeable
to Penn Law’s preferred Delaware enough.” But Derpowitz retorted, saying
bankruptcy court. “just because you were in the same room as
Warren Buffet does not make you his
Long’s experience has not been completely
protégé.” Judges ruled unanimously for
smooth, however. “It was crazy, the trustee
Derpowtiz.
came to my apartment and took everything,
furniture, electronics, textbooks, they even The middleweight tie was a split decision,
cancelled my bespoke beard grooming kit going to Wharton’s Bertie Madeon, who
monthly subscription.” But soon, he’ll be landed a cutting one-two, saying “prison
debt free, all thanks to Ponzi’s scheme.

10
abolition isn’t real… and being on Law adjudication on the ABC hit show “Judge
Review won’t make your parents proud.” Steve Harvey.” Bavanaugh, a member of the
Penn Law Family Arbitration Association,
The heavyweight fight drew the strongest cites his experience in Moot Family Feuds as
crowd, with Jeff “McKinsey” Skrilling best preparing him for a clerkship under
facing off against Law’s Learned “BigLaw” Judge Harvey.
Foot. Skrilling started strong, shouting “the
Vault 20 is just a construct, and all Big Law “Judge Harvey asked one hundred law
firms are the same.” But Foot parried the students why they’d want to clerk for him,
attack, responding: “crypto is fake. Your and the top three answers are on the board,”
Ethereum investment fell by 300%, and no Bavanaugh said, describing the rigorous
amount of diamond hands can save you. Your interview process. The responses were
Gucci loafers won’t distract us from your discipline, quick hands, and a strong
eternal failure as an investor.” Skrilling left mustache. Bavanaugh decisively made it to
the ring fighting tears, his Vineyard Vines the final round of the selection process,
polo disheveled. ultimately winning the position after a
narrow victory in the “Fast Money” round of
interviews. The runner up, Drew Carey L’19
(no relation), failed to come up with the
number one answer for “largest single gifts to
a law school” and walked away instead with
a 2020 Ford Focus.

Pictured: Skrilling, after the fight

Law won the night, 5-2-1, though law

students remarked how bad they felt
punching down on their intellectually inferior
Wharton counterparts.
Harvey was impressed with Bavanaugh’s sizable mustache,
Student Wins Prestigious pictured.
Clerkship with Judge Steve
Harvey Bavanaugh will take on the role after clerking
in lower level courts for Judge Judy and
By Elaine Publius Judge Mattis. He has completed a number of
externships on the daytime arbitration circuit,
MAY 2022—Krett Bavanaugh L’20 was
serving as right-hand to paternity suit guru
recently awarded a highly prestigious
Maury Povitch and earning his beads with
clerkship with Judge Steve Harvey. After
counsel-to-the-stars, Jerry Springer.
being on President Biden’s short list to fill the
Bavanaugh credits his success to mentorship
vacancy left by Justice Breyer, Judge Steve
from the Deans of Penn Law, all his
Harvey has risen to national acclaim for his
professors, and beer.
firm, but fair, Randy Jackson-esque

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 Now Hiring

EXPERT IN ILLUMINATI LAW

Interested in teaching students about the arcane and complex theories underlying
our law? Are you good at explaining who controls the British crown, who keeps
Atlantis off the maps, and who keeps the Martians under wraps? Are you able to
do all of this while outwardly avoiding any racist or anti-Semitic tropes? At
Princeton Law School, you can:
• Earn an excellent starting wage of up to $23,000 unmarked bills which do not
have the Illuminati eye on them.
• Conduct research about who really controls the world. You can also participate
in our groundbreaking studies disproving the conspiracy theory that the Earth
is round and that 9/11 was an outside job.
• Enjoy significant benefits, such as not being the most controversial law
professor on a law campus, and get a lifelong discount to the Mattress Store.

To apply, email [email protected] with a resume, your social security number, a

blood test, a DNA swab, and your mother’s maiden name.
Princeton Law is not an equal opportunity employer. Freemasons and New Jerseyans need not apply.

Windows to be Added to Gittis Basement Rooms

By Newman Publius

APRIL 2022—Students who feel trapped in the windowless basement maze of Gittis can rest easy
tonight as they review Pennnn Law’s bold new redesign of the Gittis basement.

At 4:59 P.M. on Friday, April 1st, following several heavily interrupted minutes of public
commentary, Peñn Law released its formal remodel plan. In their press release, Penñ has stated
that the plan “was a collaborative effort between students, the administration, the design team
behind U.C. Santa Barbara’s Munger Hall, and Disney Cruise Ship Imagineers.” The Munger Hall
design was a new, high-density dorm building proposed in 2021 for Santa Barbara’s growing
campus. To maximize density, the proposed design gave 94% of student bedrooms no source of
natural light. Instead, these rooms have digital windows that simulate natural light.

Pənn has learned from these ideas and decided that the new design of Gittis 1 and 2 will feature
digital windows that will simulate simple outdoor scenarios. According to lead designer R. K.
Texture, “some law students needed a more structured introduction to the outdoors. While those
in environmental law classes may already understand simple concepts like “trees” and “sky,” an
initial survey taken from students leaving showed the need for a gradual introduction to nature.”

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 Texture went on to talk about the great
learning opportunity that these digital
windows would provide, stating: “at the
beginning of the semester, the windows
will show simple concepts. A grassy field.
A single tree. These will be labeled so that
students will learn them slowly over
time.”

Wanting to know more, our investigative

team went to the origin of this idea, which
apparently originated on Disney Cruise
Designers also took cues from Eastern State Penitentiary Cells, Ships. We spoke with one Imagineer who
pictured
described the concept. “We wanted to
both make the Cruise more magical
without paying for actual sunlight on the lower-class cabins. So we installed little screens designed
like portholes and animated fish to come by and wink at the children.”

She went on to describe how the Imagineer team improved upon the idea for Gittis. “We decided
that the porthole shape would save on cost, but fish weren’t very on-theme for Gittis. Instead,
we’ve created some characters from items law students are familiar with: casebooks, briefs, stacks
of money, and other people’s outlines. We’ve created some animated shorts with these characters
that will play on these windows during classes. It did really well at our test screenings.” But far
from light and upbeat animation typically associated with Disney, these animated shorts will
explore darker themes, including Seasonal Affective Disorder, staying in library until it closes,
and distributing outlines with deliberate errors. When we asked the Imagineers to explain this
creative choice, we received an email with only one sentence: “happiness is relative.”

We spoke with some 2Ls who saw these test screenings. “I really related to it.” said Richard Poser.
“The characters were just so sad, it really reminded me that I don’t have it so bad.” According to
Keedy Coupe, “honestly, I just hope they animate some new shorts. Personally, I ship the Contracts
book and the Torts book.”

But not everyone supports the plan. We spoke with Richard Free-er, a 3L who will be spending
the next ten years defending a company from charges of dumping chemicals into a river. “It’ll just
be overwhelming.” He said. “1Ls don’t need goofy animated characters and they definitely don’t
need to know anything about nature. It’s just going to distract them from Civpro.”

More information will come out as experts review the full 547-page plan. Of course we aren’t
going to read that. But we did get some of the highlights from Quimbee. Among other things, the
redesign of the basement will include hallways that don’t go anywhere, lockers with two-factor
authentication, and a dedicated crying room.

13
 STUDENT SPOTLIGHTS
These student spotlights honor those who did their best, or worst.

F.K. Namington Richard Long

Voted Likely to be a Lawyer President, BallSA
“I certainly attended this law school.” “I’m looking forward to banging the gavel.”

Krett Bavanaugh Learned Foot

Won Bar Review Perfect Attendance President, Penn Law Handball
“I’d like to thank beer for getting me through. “Who the fuck names their kid ‘Learned’? At
I really like beer.” least I got educated.”

14
 Amy Coney Island Richard Poser
Won Best Rower and Best Wader President, Princeton Law Comedy Club
“There’s a long-standing tradition of not “She doesn’t even go here.”
fulfilling a judicial nomination in the middle
of a presidential year.”

Richard Free-er Keedy Coupe

Won Second Best Civil Procedure Grade Won Best Oral
“Even I can’t explain Sibbach v. Wilson.” “Your honors and may it pleasure the court.”

The Silverman Ghost Ginnie “JanSix” Thoomas

Voted Most Spooky Won Highest PR and MPRE Grades
“It’s kind of offensive to call me spooky.” “Can you remind me what spousal privilege
covers?”

15
 IN MEMORIAM
Remembering the Roger Taney Medallion: Gone, but Forgotten
The Roger Taney Medallion, which honored Chief Justice Roger Taney, the infamous author of
the Dredd Scott opinion, is likely to be taken off Pəñn Law’s outer walls. The Medallion, which
absolutely no one asked for, will be gone. It will also be forgotten.
The Medallion was first installed on the building sometime when Jim Crow was the cool, new fad.
Like a participation trophy, such medallions honored those who tried their hardest, but eventually
lost in the civil war. And like a participation trophy, it is eventually finding its way into the garbage
bin.
The Medallion’s installation took place in an era
where racism was more widely accepted as part
of polite society. Now that racism is no longer an
issue, and no Law professors are associated with
racism, the Medallion’s relevance to the Law
School has evaporated.
During its heyday, however, the Medallion
served as a reminder of the absolute mediocrity
of the man inscribed on it: Chief Justice Roger
Taney. The man was so middling that scholars
cannot agree on how to pronounce his last name.
He was so abjectly average that the United States
Senate rejected his nomination to the most boring
cabinet position: Secretary of the Treasury. If
Taney was a color, he’d be beige.
The space formerly occupied by the Medallion
will be taken up by literally anything more
meaningful than his name. To the Taney
Rather than bore you with a picture of a horrible racist, here’s
Medallion: you are gone, but forgotten. a picture of two beautiful puppies

16
WORD SEARCH

17
SIGNATURE PAGE

18
 JOIN US
In the history of legal comedy, this year
of Penn Law Comedy Club represents a
great step backwards. We had a
successful Comedy Night, which saw
almost 200 people pay their hard-earned
dollars to get drunk and watch law
students fumble through two hours of
mostly dad jokes. Beyond that, we’ve
had practices, where we trained in our
performance skills and got way too meta
about joke structure. After that, we
published this magazine, to demonstrate
that we are, in fact, literate. Siri and spell
check played a considerable role.
This is us. We’re not an all-male group by choice.
If you’d like to join us for next year,
we’ll be writing comedic articles,
having writers room meetings where we sit around and write jokes, and training our improv and
standup skills. We plan to put on another comedy show in the spring, but we might also do some
other smaller performances or go as a group to open mics in the city. If any of that sounds fun, feel
free to join for some or all of that. It’s never too late in the year to join! Except now given that the
year is over. But you can still put yourself on our contact list for next year! Just use the QR code
below to put your names down.

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