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Hetty Feather (PDFDrive)
Hetty Feather (PDFDrive)
of Contents
Title
By the Same Author
Title Page
Copyright Page
Dedication
Chapter 1
Chapter 2
Chapter 3
Chapter 4
Chapter 5
Chapter 6
Chapter 7
Chapter 8
Chapter 9
Chapter 10
Chapter 11
Chapter 12
Chapter 13
Chapter 14
Chapter 15
Chapter 16
Chapter 17
Chapter 18
Chapter 19
Chapter 20
HETTY FEATHER
www.kidsatrandomhouse.co.uk
Also available by Jacqueline Wilson
Published in Corgi Pups, for beginner readers:
THE DINOSAUR'S PACKED LUNCH
THE MONSTER STORY-TELLER
Published in Young Corgi, for newly confident readers:
LIZZIE ZIPMOUTH
SLEEPOVERS
Available from Doubleday/Corgi Yearling Books:
BAD GIRLS
THE BED AND BREAKFAST STAR
BEST FRIENDS
BURIED ALIVE!
CANDYFLOSS
THE CAT MUMMY
CLEAN BREAK
CLIFFHANGER
COOKIE
THE DARE GAME
THE DIAMOND GIRLS
DOUBLE ACT
DOUBLE ACT (PLAY EDITION)
GLUBBSLYME
THE ILLUSTRATED MUM
JACKY DAYDREAM
THE LOTTIE PROJECT
MIDNIGHT
THE MUM-MINDER
MY SECRET DIARY
MY SISTER JODIE
SECRETS
STARRING TRACY BEAKER
THE STORY OF TRACY BEAKER
THE SUITCASE KID
VICKY ANGEL
THE WORRY WEBSITE
Collections:
THE JACQUELINE WILSON COLLECTION
includes THE STORY OF TRACY BEAKER and
THE BED AND BREAKFAST STAR
JACQUELINE WILSON'S DOUBLE-DECKER
includes BAD GIRLS and DOUBLE ACT
JACQUELINE WILSON'S SUPERSTARS
includes THE SUITCASE KID and THE LOTTIE PROJECT
Available from Doubleday/Corgi Books, for older readers:
DUSTBIN BABY
GIRLS IN LOVE
GIRLS UNDER PRESSURE
GIRLS OUT LATE
GIRLS IN TEARS
KISS
LOLA ROSE
LOVE LESSONS
Join the official Jacqueline Wilson fan club at
www.jacquelinewilson.co.uk
Jacqueline Wilson
DOUBLEDAY
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ISBN 9781407048420
Version 1.0
www.randomhouse.co.uk
Hetty Feather was partly inspired by Jacqueline Wilson's role as the inaugural
Thomas Coram Fellow of the Foundling Museum. To find out more about the
Foundling Museum which tells the story of the Foundling Hospital, please visit
www.foundlingmuseum.org.uk
HETTY FEATHER
A DOUBLEDAY BOOK
ISBN: 9781407048420
Version 1.0
Published in Great Britain by Doubleday,
an imprint of Random House Children's Books
A Random House Group company
This edition published 2009
1 3 5 7 9 10 8 6 4 2
Text copyright © Jacqueline Wilson, 2009
Illustrations copyright © Nick Sharratt, 2009
The right of Jacqueline Wilson to be identified as the author
of this work has been asserted in accordance with the
Copyright, Designs and Patents Act 1988.
This electronic book is sold subject to the condition that it shall not by way of
trade or otherwise, be lent, resold, hired out, or otherwise circulated without the
publisher's prior consent in any form other than that in which it is published and
without a similar condition including this condition being imposed on the
subsequent purchaser Set in Century Schoolbook by Falcon Oast Graphic Ltd
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THE RANDOM HOUSE GROUP Limited Reg. No. 954009
A CIP catalogue record for this book is available
from the British Library.
For my dear friend Mary Vacher.
Thank you so much for all your brilliant
professional support –
and all your loving care and kindness.
1
My name is Hetty Feather. Don't mock. It's not my real name. I'm absolutely
certain my mother would have picked a beautiful romantic name for me –
though sadly I have not turned out beautiful or romantic.
I shall picture her:
'My little darling,' my mother whispered, wrapping me up tightly in a shawl.
She held me close close close to her chest, as if she could never bear to let me
go.
'My little . . .' Rosamund? Seraphina? Christobel? My eyes are my best feature,
as blue as the summer sky. Did she perhaps call me Sapphire? Azure? Bluebell?
I like to think my baby hair had not yet sprouted from my little pink head. A
bald baby can still just about be beautiful. An infant with hair as scarlet as sin is
an abomination, spawn of the Devil. So says Matron Bottomly, and she pulls my
hair hard. Once when I cheeked her really wondrously, calling her Matron
Stinking Bottomly, she pulled so fiercely, a whole hank of my hair came away in
her hand. She would have been in trouble if anyone had spotted my poor bald
patch, but she crammed my cap down hard and no one saw. Well, two hundred
foundling girls witnessed her assault on me, but Matron Bottomly didn't give a
fig about them.
It took an entire year for my hair to grow back properly, but it was worth it
because from that day onwards we all referred to her as Matron Stinking
Bottomly – though not out loud. No other girl is as bold as me. I have a nature as
fiery as my wretched hair.
I do so hope I was bald when I was newly born in 1876. Suppose I came into
the world with little red tufts. Oh dearie, what a shock for my poor mother.
Maybe she was tempted to call me Carrot or Goldfish or Marmalade.
No, I am absolutely certain my mother would not mock me. She held me close,
No, I am absolutely certain my mother would not mock me. She held me close,
she rubbed her cheek over my flaming head, she gently wound a little lock
around her finger. She loved my red hair because it was mine. She cut off one
tiny tuft to plait with pins and keep within a locket. That way she kept a small
part of me for ever.
She didn't want to give me away. She loved me with all her heart. I know I was
a poor, puny little thing, hardly weighing so much as a twist of sugar. I'm sure
my mother nursed me night and day, trying her hardest to build me up and make
me strong. If I close my eyes now and hunch up small, I can almost feel her arms
around me, hear her humming a lullaby, smell her sweet perfume, clasp her
white hand with my tiny fingers. I cannot focus properly, but if I try really hard I
can see her pale face, the tears in her own blue eyes.
Everyone says you can't remember back to babyhood. I've asked the nurses
and the teachers and they all say the same. Even Jem insisted this is true, and he
is the wisest boy ever. However, I'm absolutely certain they are all wrong on this
point. I can remember.
I remember the worst day ever, when my mother bathed me and dressed me in
my napkin and my petticoats and a little white gown she had stitched herself.
She wrapped me up in a crocheted shawl and then carried me outside. She took
me on a long, long journey. I'm sure I remember the roar and whistle of a train.
Then I think we took a cab because I cried at the strange bumping and the clack
of the horses' hooves. She held me tighter, rocking me in her arms, crying too.
Then the bump-clack stopped and my mother stayed crouching inside, shaking,
so that I shook too. The cabman shouted at her and she gave me one last
desperate kiss.
'I will always love you,' she whispered right into my ear.
Then she clambered out of the cab, clutching me close. She said a few words
to the cabman and then walked over to a tall gateway. She murmured to the
gatekeeper, so softly that she had to repeat herself. Then the gate creaked open
and we stepped inside. There must have been other mothers, other infants,
because I heard wailing all around us.
My mother and I stood in front of a long polished table where a line of solemn
men sat and asked questions. My mother answered, while I whimpered dolefully.
Then we were led to a little room with a bright gaslight overhead. I blinked and
tried to burrow into my mother's breast, but large cold hands snatched me away
tried to burrow into my mother's breast, but large cold hands snatched me away
from her.
I was laid on my back on a hard table. My shawl was tugged away. My
beautiful white dress was unbuttoned and taken from me. Both my petticoats
were pulled over my head. They even removed my napkin so I was lying there
stark naked. The hard hands turned my head from side to side, prodded my belly,
moved my arms and legs about while I protested vigorously, screaming my head
off.
Then the hands wrapped me in strange coarse clothing, not mine at all! They
picked me up and carried me away. My arms and legs were too small and weak
to punch and kick. All I could do was scream. I screamed and screamed for my
mother, but she wasn't there any more. I was being carried down endless
corridors in this vast building, away from my mother for ever.
I was bound so tightly within the scratchy woollen shawl that I couldn't move.
I was laid on my back in an iron cot, still screaming. I cried for my mother, but
she didn't come to rescue me. I cried for my own soft familiar clothes, but I
stayed stuck in these harsh, worn garments reeking of carbolic. I cried for the
comfort of my thumb, trapped inside the shawl. I cried for gentle arms and warm
sweet milk.
'Now now, what a terrible noise! You're disturbing all the other babies. What
are you crying for, hm?' said one of the nurses, picking me up.
What did she think I was crying for? I was only a few days old and I'd lost
everything I loved. No wonder I howled. But she meant it kindly enough. She
held me against her flat starched chest and patted my back as if my problem was
just a little trapped wind.
'There, there, nearly time for your feed,' she said.
She put me down again and I cried harder. I only quietened for a few seconds
when someone plucked me once more from my cot. I desperately hoped they
were about to return me to my mother, but the hands that held me were coldly
capable, not tender and stroking. A bottle was thrust into my mouth. My lips
puckered and would not suck. It tasted wrong. It wasn't my mother. I choked and
tried to spit it out.
'This one's a hopeless feeder – and she's tiny as it is. I don't know why they
accepted her. She's not long for this world.'
accepted her. She's not long for this world.'
'They'll have to christen her quick or she'll be off to Limbo-land,' said another.
'Let me try. I'll make her feed.'
I was passed over promptly and the bottle poked hard against my mouth. I kept
my lips pressed together. She pinched my nose so I had to open my mouth to
breathe. I yelled furiously at this mean trick.
'Temper, temper! Never mind Limbo-land, she's like a little imp from H-e-l-l,'
she said, giving me a shake. 'Take the bottle like a good girl! You don't want to
starve, do you?'
I did not care whether I lived or died if I could not be with my mother. I cried
all day, until my throat was raw and I shook all over, but it was no use. She still
didn't come.
There were other babies crying too, though not as loudly and insistently as me.
I couldn't see them as I was stuck on my back, but I could hear them. I heard
their sucking and sighing after the hateful hands had lifted them from their cots.
'Won't you feed too, poor little lamb?' This was a gentler voice, with smaller,
softer hands. She wasn't my mother but she cradled me almost as carefully. She
didn't ram the choking bottle into my mouth straight away. She shook a few
drops of milk onto her finger and stroked it against my lips. I opened my mouth
and sucked.
'Ah, it's good, isn't it? Some more?'
She gave me more drops on her finger and I sucked it dry. She did this again
and again. When I opened my mouth eagerly for more, she edged the bottle very
cautiously against my lips. I could not resist sucking – and felt the sweet milk
splashing down my sore throat. I still did not like the feel of the bottle, but I
ached with hunger and thirst so I sucked and sucked.
'My, look at Winnie with 25629! She's got her sucking away a treat now.'
So the kind nurse was called Winnie. And 25629 seemed to be my name now. I
was not old enough to understand numbers, but the long sound was harsh and I
hated it. However, before long I was given yet another name. I was dressed in a
gown so stiff with starch I was stretched out rigidly, scarcely able to draw
breath. I was carried to a new place, vast and echoing, with strange windows that
played patterns of red and blue on the stone floor. There was solemn talk and
then a voice addressed me.
'I christen you Hetty Feather,' he said, and sprinkled icy water on my forehead.
I cried, trying to tell him that I didn't wish to be called Hetty Feather, that
wasn't my real name at all, my real name was . . .
But I couldn't speak yet so I simply screamed, and someone tutted and scolded,
whispering that I was a bad example to the other babies. I paused for breath and
heard thin copycat wails. I took satisfaction in the fact that no one else could
achieve anywhere near my volume, for all that I was so small.
I was carted back to the sleeping room in disgrace. Gentle Winnie was there
and rocked me gently.
'Hello, little Hetty! No need to cry so. There now. I'll take the christening robe
off and fix a bottle for you.'
I was soon soothed, though I hiccuped a little as I gulped my milk. Winnie
laughed and hiccuped too, teasing me. I peered up at her, trying hard to focus.
She had a round rosy face with fair hair escaping from her cap. She wasn't
special like my mother – but perhaps Winnie could be a second mother to me
now? I was too small even to smile, but I fixed my blue eyes on her. She looked
back, doing all the smiling for both of us.
Other babies were wailing now, demanding attention, but Winnie still held me,
whispering my new name. 'Little Hetty Feather! Well, you're light as a feather
and no mistake.' She whirled round and round so that I whirled too. We danced
in and out of all the iron cots. It felt as if I was flying. I willed Winnie to whirl us
right out of the door, away from this chill, puzzling prison, but another nurse
spoke to her sharply and she put me back in my little bed, both of us breathless.
I did not cry for my mother that night. I still thought of her longingly, but I
consoled myself with the thought that I'd see Winnie in the morning – and every
morning after that.
I couldn't have been more wrong. The next day new hands fed me, bathed me,
and then dressed me in my uncomfortable clothes. The shawl was wound extra
tightly and knotted at the ends, so that I resembled a small woollen parcel – and
like a parcel, I was picked up, carried along corridors, taken outside the huge
door and posted into a waiting cab.
door and posted into a waiting cab.
I was stuffed into a large basket padded with rags. I lay there, too stunned even
to scream. What was happening to me now? I wanted Winnie. I wanted my
mother. My heart started beating so fast it nearly burst through my shawl. Were
they taking me back to my mother?
The cab door opened again. I heard an infant wail, so sad, so scared. My mouth
was shut so it couldn't be me. The cries grew frantic as another child was
crammed into the basket beside me. I let out a little wail myself and the other
crying stopped in surprise. Then it started up again and I started too. We drew
breath at the same time so we were crying in unison. Then I stopped and the
other babe stopped too. It was as if we were talking to each other.
Hello! I'm here too. I'm just as anxious as you are.
Where are they taking us?
I don't know. I want them to take me back to my mother.
I want mine too!
Well, at least we have each other.
Our hands were trapped in our woollen shawls, but it was as if we were
reaching out and clasping each other.
The cab jerked and the horses' hooves clacked and I remembered my own
mother so painfully. Then we stopped and the door opened, and my fellow
basket baby and I blinked in the sudden light. Someone took us up out of the
cab, swinging us along into a vast, roaring, smoky hall. This brought back
memories too. I now know that we were at a vast London station. Soon we were
stowed in our basket upon a seat and the train jerked into motion. The other baby
and I cried lustily, but the steady chug and whir of the wheels beneath us grew
soothing and soon we both slept.
I dreamed that I was back in my mother's arms, but when I woke I was still
trussed up in the shawl and stuffed in the basket, and the baby next to me was
wailing forlornly. I cried too because I was hungry and thirsty, my stomach
empty and aching. The baby beside me set up a mournful descant.
When we lived in the huge bleak building we had always been fed every few
hours and our napkins changed. I was now wet and sore, my shawl damp and
reeking. So we cried and cried, and then slept some more out of sheer exhaustion
reeking. So we cried and cried, and then slept some more out of sheer exhaustion
– and then the train slowed and stopped. The door opened and we were swung
out into the fresh air. Our carrier stamped his feet and marched forwards. There
was a clamour of voices with a softer country burr. The basket rocked as hands
reached in, lifting out my baby neighbour.
'This here is Master Gideon Smeed, fresh from the Foundling Hospital!'
I heard laughing and cooing and clapping. I was left in the basket by myself! I
screamed – and more hands came back for me.
'No chance of forgetting this one. Miss Hetty Feather. I'm not sure you'll want
her, missus. She might be little but she's a shocker for screaming. She's been
squealing like a pig ever since we left London.'
'Oh well, it shows she's got spirit,' said a voice. 'Let's have a squint at her then.'
I was placed in strong arms, my face pressed against a very large soft chest. I
snuffled against her. She smelled of strange new things, lard and cabbage and
potatoes, but she also smelled of sweet milk. I opened my lips eagerly and I
heard laughter all around.
'There! She's smiling at you, Mother! She's taken to you already!'
I was stunned. This was not my real mother. Was she a new mother? She held
me in one arm, my basket baby brother in the other. Her large hands held us safe
as she walked out of the station, children clamouring about her.
'I dare say you'll do a good job with them, missus. You bring on the scrawny
ones something wonderful,' said the basket-carrier.
'It's a bit of challenge, two little ones together, but I dare say I'll manage,' she
said. 'Let's take you home and get you fed, my poor little lambs,' she murmured
in our ears.
We had a home. We had a mother. We were safe. We never had to go back to
the great chill baby hospital again.
Don't mock, I say! I was only a few weeks old. I didn't know any better.
2
My new home was a small thatched cottage with whitewashed walls, and roses
and honeysuckle hanging around the front door. It was small and dark and
crowded inside. It smelled of cooking all the time, plus strong yellow soap on a
Monday, washday. That was our washday too. When the sheets and all our shirts
and frocks and underwear were flapping on the line, our mother, Peg, popped all
us children in the clothes tub. Gideon and I were tossed in first. Gideon always
cried, but I bobbed up and down like a duckling and only wailed if Mother
rubbed soap in my eyes.
Gideon was my foundling brother, my baby travelling companion in the
basket. He was not much bigger than me, a pale, spindly baby with a thatch of
black hair and large eyes that fixed you with a mournful stare.
'There's not enough meat on these two together to bake into a pie,' said our new
father, John.
He poked both of us in our belly buttons. It was a playful poke but we both
shrieked. We weren't used to big, loud father people. All men were big and loud
to us babies, but when we were older we saw that John was the tallest man in the
village, with arms like tree trunks and a belly like a barrel. His voice was so loud
his holler could carry clear across five acres. He was as strong as the huge shire
horses he used to plough the land. No man dared argue with him because it was
clear who would win – but Peg wasn't the slightest bit frightened of him.
'Get away from my new babies, you great fat lummox,' she said, slapping his
hands away. 'You're scaring them silly. Don't cry, my lambkins, this is just your
father, he don't mean you no harm.'
'Chickee-chickee-chickee, coochie-coochie-coochie,' said Father, tickling
under our chins with his big blunt fingers. We screamed as if he was a storybook
ogre about to snap our heads off our necks.
'Get out of it,' said Peg, flapping at him with a towel. She gathered Gideon and
'Get out of it,' said Peg, flapping at him with a towel. She gathered Gideon and
me up out of our improvised bathtub and wrapped us together in the towel, warm
from the hearthside. She held us close against the vast pillow of her bosom and
we stopped crying and snuffled close to our new mother.
'My muvver!' said Saul, swotting at us with his hard little fists.
He was just starting to walk, though he had a withered leg so that he limped.
Father had fashioned him a little wooden crutch. Saul used it to prod Gideon and
me. He hated us because he wanted Mother all to himself.
'There now, my little hoppy sparrow. You come and have a cuddle too,' said
Peg, hauling him up into her arms alongside us.
'And me, and me!' said three-year-old Martha, burrowing in. Her eyes were
weak, and one of them squinted sideways.
Jem held back, his chin held high.
'Don't you want to come and join in the cuddle, Jem dearie?' said Mother.
'Yes, but I'm not one of the babies,' said Jem stoutly. 'I'm five. Nearly.'
'Yes, my pet, you're my big boy – but you're not too big to say no to a cuddle
with your old mum. Come here and meet your new brother and sister.'
I was wriggling and squirming, squashed by Saul.
'Here, Jem, you take little Hetty for me,' said Peg. 'Ain't she tiny? You were
twice her size as a baby. She's had a bad start in life – both the babies have, bless
them. Still, we'll soon fatten them up, just you wait and see.'
I nestled in Jem's arms. He might still be a little boy not yet five but he seemed
as strong as our father to me – but nowhere near as frightening. Jem's hands
cupped me gently.
'Hello, little Hetty. I'm your brother Jem,' he said softly, rubbing his face
against mine.
I couldn't speak but my lips puckered and I gave him my first real smile.
Jem wasn't the eldest. He was the youngest child who really belonged to Peg
and John. They also had Rosie and Nat and Eliza, and there were more still –
Marcus, who'd gone off to be a soldier, and Bess and Nora, who were away in
service.
service.
All these children – so many that your head must be reeling trying to keep
count of them all! I find it hard enough to sort them all out in my head. The older
ones kept themselves separate from us younger fostered foundlings, though Eliza
sometimes liked to play schools with us.
She lined us all up in a row by the front step and asked us to add two and two
and recite the alphabet. At first Gideon and I couldn't even sit up by ourselves,
so we clearly had no chance of coming top in Eliza's school. She lisped our
answers for us, and answered for Saul and Martha too. She didn't have to invent
replies for Jem. He knew simple sums and could read out of The Good Child's
ABC.
'A is for Apple. B is for Bear. C is for Chair. D is for Daisy. E is for Elephant.'
I could chant my own way through by the time I was two. Eliza fancied herself
a teacher and sat us in the corner if she felt we were stupid and caned us with a
twig if we protested.
Jem was the true teacher. He showed me how to eat up my porridge and my
mash-and- gravy and my tea-time slices of bread and jam. 'That's right, you're a
baby bird. Open your beak,' he said.
I opened my mouth wide and then smacked my lips together, swallowing every
morsel, though I was a picky eater and fussed and turned my head away when
Mother tried to feed me.
We didn't have any toys. Mother would have thought them a waste of money.
She didn't have any money anyway. However, Jem found a red rubber ball in a
rubbish heap. He washed it well and polished it so it shone like an apple. He
flung it high into the air and caught it nine times out of ten, and then kicked it
from one end of the village to the other.
'Me, me, me!' I said, on my feet now, but still so little that I toppled over when
I tried to kick too.
The others laughed at me, especially Saul, but Jem held me under my arms and
aimed me at the ball until one of my flailing feet connected and gave it a feeble
little kick.
'There, Hetty, you can kick the ball, just like me!' he said, hugging me.
He sat beside me on the front step and drew me pictures in the dust with his
finger. His men and women were round blobs with stick arms and legs, his
babies were little lozenges, his animals barely distinguishable one from the
other, but I saw them through Jem's eyes and clapped and crowed delightedly.
He helped me toddle down the road to the stream and then held me tight while
I splashed and squealed in the cold water. If I kept my legs still while he dangled
me, the minnows would come and tickle my toes.
'Fishy fishy!' I'd shriek.
Sometimes Jem turned his hand into a fish and made it swim along beside me
and nibble titbits while I laughed.
When I grew bigger, he pushed me in a little cart all the way to the woods and
showed me red squirrels darting up the tree trunks.
'That's where they've got their houses, right up in the trees,' said Jem. 'Shall we
have a squirrel house, Hetty?'
He knew an old oak that was completely hollow inside. He stood on one of the
great spreading roots, lifted me up, deposited me inside the tree and squeezed in
after me. There! We were in our very own squirrel house. We were only a foot
or so from the ground but it felt as if we were right up in the treetops.
'There, little Miss Squirrel. Are you happy in your new house?' Jem asked,
poking me gently on my button nose.
'Yes, Mr Squirrel, yes yes yes!' I said happily.
I loved our little treehouse so much I didn't want to go home for tea. I shook
my head and protested, clinging to the bark with my fingertips. Jem had to carry
me home kicking and screaming. I wouldn't be quiet until he promised we'd play
there the very next day.
I went leaping onto the boys' bed at five o'clock in the morning, before Father
and Mother were stirring, demanding that Jem keep his promise.
He stayed true to his word, even though I was behaving like an almighty pest.
He carted me back to our house in the woods straight after breakfast. He
patiently ate another pretend breakfast of acorns and grass, and he helped me
care for my squirrel babies (lumps of mud wrapped in dock leaves). He even
lined the floor of our house with moss and sprinkled it with wild flowers to make
lined the floor of our house with moss and sprinkled it with wild flowers to make
a pattern on our green carpet.
I stupidly babbled about our wondrous squirrel house that bedtime, and of
course all the other children wanted to come and see it too, even Rosie and Eliza.
Nat sneered at Jem for playing a girly game of house with a baby, but Jem was
unruffled.
'I like playing with Hetty, it's fun,' he said, and my heart thumped with love for
him.
I wanted to keep the squirrel house just for us, but Jem was far too good-
natured. 'Of course you can all come a-visiting,' he told everyone. But then he
added, 'But you must remember, it's Hetty's house.'
I didn't mind Gideon coming. He was my special little basket brother and I
loved him second best to Jem. I was a few days older than Gideon but he was a
half a head taller than me now, though still ultra-spindly, his neck and wrists and
ankles so thin they looked in danger of snapping. Mother took it to heart that he
looked so frail and sneaked him extra strips of bacon and a bite of Father's chop,
but the ribs still stuck out on his chest and his shoulder blades seemed about to
slice straight through his skin.
Mother tried to encourage him to run about and play in the sunshine with us,
but he preferred to cling to her skirts and climb on her lap whenever she sat
down to shell peas or darn stockings.
I could sometimes tempt Gideon away to play, though he was incredibly
tiresome when it came to my special picturing games.
'Listen, Gideon. Let's picture we're in the woods. We're lost and a huge huge
huge howling wolf is going to eat us all up,' I'd say.
Gideon would start and tremble, and when I growled he ran screaming for
Mother. She'd scoop him up in her arms and aim a swipe at me.
'Stop scaring the poor little mite senseless, Hetty. I'll paddle you with my ladle
if you don't watch out.'
I'd been well and truly paddled several times and I didn't enjoy the experience.
I didn't mean Gideon any harm. It wasn't my fault he was such a little milksop.
But I smiled at him even so, and said he could come and visit my squirrel house.
I let him squeeze into the cart with me while poor Jem puffed along pushing the
two of us.
Gideon squirmed uneasily as I chatted about my house. 'Squirrels might bite,'
he said fearfully.
'Oh, Gideon, squirrels don't bite! We'll bite them,' I said, giggling.
'Can't climb up the tree, Hetty,' Gideon wailed.
'It's easy, Gideon. I can climb. Jem can too,' I said.
'I might fall!' said Gideon, nearly in tears.
'Don't cry, Gideon. You won't fall. Just think, you're getting to see my squirrel
house and Saul isn't.'
'Saul can come too,' said Jem quickly. 'And Martha.'
'No they can't – too much of a squash,' I said, wishing Jem wasn't always so
kind. I just wanted him to be kind to me.
It was a waste of our kindness inviting Gideon. To help him appreciate the
charm of the squirrel house I made us 'climb' in the air for several seconds before
we hopped up into the hole in the tree. This was fatal. He clung to me
desperately.
'Whee – we're right up in the treetops! See the birds flying!' I said.
'Have to get down! It's too high, too high!' Gideon said, peering down
fearfully, though if he reached right out he could put his hand on the ground.
'It's not really high, Gideon, look,' said Jem, dangling his leg down.
'Hetty makes it high!' said Gideon.
Jem laughed. 'That's what she's best at, picturing. She's grand at it.'
'I wish she wasn't,' said Gideon, and he closed his eyes tight, as if he could shut
out my picturing that way.
Gideon stayed in the cottage with Mother when Jem made me take Saul and
Martha to the squirrel house. That was a waste of time too. I didn't mind Martha,
but she was so near-sighted she had no idea what a squirrel was. She sat in the
tree and blinked solemnly, waiting for something to happen. I served her tea in
an acorn cup and gave her a slice of fairy bread on a leaf, and she tried to eat and
drink politely, but she looked puzzled when there was nothing in her mouth. She
started to eat the leaf itself and Jem had to prise it out quickly lest she was sick.
I'd have happily stuffed a whole tree of leaves down Saul's throat.
'This is a stupid place. It's not a real squirrel house. That's not a fine green rug,
that's moss. That's not china, it's leaves. They're not babies. They look like pig
poo. Dirty Hetty, playing with pig poo.'
I pushed him hard in the chest, because no mother can stand to have her babies
insulted. I pushed a little too hard. Jem tried to catch him but he wasn't quite
quick enough. Saul fell right out of my squirrel house. It truly wasn't far, and any
other child would have jumped up again and laughed – but not Saul.
His eyes slid into slits and his mouth went square. 'You've hurt my poorly leg!'
he bawled. 'I'm telling Mother!'
Oh dear. Gideon was clearly Mother's favourite, but she had a particular soft
spot for Saul, Lord knows why. She fussed over his leg, rubbing it with different
remedies – goose grease and witch hazel – and knitted him a special soft pair of
stockings because his boot rubbed his twisted foot. Saul enjoyed this attention
and exaggerated his limp in front of Mother for all he was worth.
She was outraged when Saul told tales on me. 'You pushed our Saul out of a
tree, Hetty?' she said, horrified. She reached for her paddling ladle and I ran to
hide behind Jem.
'It wasn't high up in the tree, Mother, and she didn't mean to,' said Jem, doing
his best to defend me.
Oh, I did so love Jem. But it was no use: I was well and truly paddled, and
Mother forbade all of us to play in the squirrel house.
Gideon looked mightily relieved, Martha was indifferent, Jem was clearly sad
for me – but I was so aggravated I stamped and shouted and screamed at Mother.
You can guess the result. I got paddled all over again, and sent to bed without
any supper.
Mother came and sat beside me as I snuffled in the dark. 'Now, Hetty, are you
sorry for being such a bad girl?'
'No, I am not sorry. You should be sorry for being a bad mother,' I mumbled
beneath my blanket.
Mother had sharper ears than I'd reckoned. 'What did you say, Hetty?' she said.
Oh no, was I about to get another paddling? My bed started shaking. Mother
was making odd gasping sounds. Had I shocked her so much she was having a
fit, like Ruben in the village after drinking too much ale?
I peeped above the blanket in terror. Mother was sitting on the edge of the bed,
her hands over her mouth, splitting her sides with laughter. Oh, the relief!
'Don't you grin at me, girl!' she spluttered. 'I've never known such an imp as
you. What am I going to do with you?'
'Paddle me and paddle me, even when I'm a big girl like Rosie,' I said,
laughing too.
But Mother suddenly stopped. She put her arms round me and hugged me
tight. 'Oh, I'm going to miss you so, little Hetty, even though you're such a bad,
bad girl.'
I am absolutely certain that is what she whispered into my red hair. I didn't
understand. I thought she meant when I had to attend the village school like Jem.
I didn't dream I was only a temporary member of Mother's family.
3
I found it sorely trying when the blissful summer holidays ended and Jem had to
spend all day long at his lessons. I didn't miss Rosie and Nat and Eliza one jot,
but I missed Jem horrendously. I was left at home with Martha, who was no fun,
and Saul, who was a sneaking toad, and Gideon, who was a milksop. They
wouldn't play lovely games with me like my dear Jem. Mother didn't want us
under her feet in the cottage, but neither did she want us toddling down the
village lane and into the woods without Jem to keep an eye on us, so we were
confined to the front step and our little patch of garden.
If I suggested spitting in the earth and making mud pies or drawing in the dust
with a stick, then Martha would hang her head dejectedly because she couldn't
see well enough. If I organized a game of Chase and held Martha's hand, she
could run as fast as me – but then Saul would whine, because he always came
last with his limpy leg. If I tried a picturing game and pretended a tall oak was a
warty ogre and the grunting pig in the back yard a mythical monster, Gideon
would play on gamely, but he'd wake screaming in the night. He'd refuse point
blank when told to feed the pig our potato parings, and whimper to be held
whenever Mother took us for a walk past the oak tree.
I'd hold my breath when Mother comforted then questioned him. Gideon did
not wish to tell tales on me and get me into trouble. He would press his lips
together when she asked what was ailing him – but Saul delighted in getting me
into trouble and told all sorts of stories to Mother about me, and then of course
I'd get paddled.
Sometimes I decided it was worth being paddled to plague sly Saul. I'd see him
lick the jam from Martha's bread or drop a spider in Gideon's special mug of
milk. I didn't tell stories on him – where was the fun in that? – but I'd creep up
on him unawares and punish him. Once I spotted him leaning right over the gate
to poke the poor pig with his wooden crutch, laughing when she squealed. I
darted forward and gave him a shove. Oh, how he squealed when he fell face
down in the pigsty. It was so soft with smelly mud he didn't hurt his poorly leg
or his other leg either. He just hurt his dignity, lying there bawling, covered in
potato peelings and pig poo.
I laughed and laughed and laughed. I even laughed while I was being paddled.
Jem laughed too when I told him, but he said I must take care not to be so bad
when I went to school.
'Teacher has a big cane, Hetty, and she swishes it all day,' he said. 'She hurts
much more than Mother.'
'She swishes you, Jem?'
'She swished my friend Janet for chalking her bs and ds the wrong way round,
and when I said it wasn't fair, Janet had tried and tried to learn, she's just not
very quick, Teacher swished me too and told me not to answer back.'
'I don't like Teacher,' I said.
I knew my bs from my ds already because Jem had taught me. But then I
thought of Martha.
'Martha can't write any of her letters,' I said. 'Will Teacher swish her?'
'I won't let her,' said Jem stoutly.
But Martha didn't go to the village school when she was five. Mother boiled up
a tub of water one evening and gave Martha her own special scrub, even though
she'd had a washday bath on Monday. Mother gave her a special creamy mug of
milk for her supper and held her on her lap while she drank it.
Father gave Martha a ride on his knees. 'This is the way the ladies ride,' he
sang, jiggling her up and down while she giggled.
Saul whined that it wasn't fair, he wanted a ride. Gideon said nothing, but he
sucked his thumb and stared while Martha drank his milk. For once I didn't
complain. I was too little to under-stand, but I saw the tears in Mother's eyes,
heard the crack in Father's voice as he sang. I knew something was wrong –
though Martha herself stayed blissfully unaware.
She went to sleep that night as soon as her head hit the pillow. I stayed awake,
cuddling up to her, winding a lock of her brown hair round and round my finger
cuddling up to her, winding a lock of her brown hair round and round my finger
as if I was binding us together.
Mother came and woke us very early.
'Is it time to get up?' I asked sleepily.
'Not for you, Hetty,' said Mother. 'Go back to sleep.'
It was still so dark I couldn't see her, but I could tell that she'd been crying
again. She gently coaxed Martha up and led her out of the room. I turned over
into Martha's warm patch and breathed in her faint bread-and-butter smell,
wondering why Mother had woken her so early. I decided I should creep out of
bed and go and see, but it still seemed like the middle of the night and I was so
tired . . .
When I woke up again, the sun was shining through the window. I ran
downstairs, calling out for Martha. She wasn't there. Mother wasn't there either.
Rosie and Eliza were brewing the tea and stirring porridge.
'Where's Mother? Where's Martha?'
'They've had to go out,' said Rosie. 'Come and sit down like a good girl, Hetty.'
I didn't want to be a good girl. I wanted Mother and Martha. My heart was
beating hard inside my chest. I was very frightened, though I didn't quite know
why. I started screaming and couldn't stop, not even when Eliza bribed me with a
dab of butter and sugar, not even when Rosie slapped my kicking legs. Jem
eventually quietened me, lugging me up onto his lap and rocking me like a
newborn baby, but he seemed almost as anxious as I was.
Rosie and Nat and Eliza knew something we didn't. They nudged each other
and wouldn't look us in the eye over our breakfast. Jem questioned them
persistently, I cried, Saul snivelled, and Gideon didn't get out to the privy in time
and wet all down his legs. We couldn't manage without Mother. She was always
there, as much a part of the cottage as the roof and the four walls. We were lost
without her. And why had she taken Martha with her?
'You know where Mother's taken her,' said Jem, standing on the bench so he
was eye to eye with Rosie. 'Tell us!'
'Stop pestering me, Jem. I've got more than enough to do without you and the
babies fuss fuss fussing. Hetty, if you start that screaming again, I'll paddle you
with Mother's ladle.'
with Mother's ladle.'
'Don't you dare paddle Hetty,' said Jem. 'She's not being bad, she's just fearful.
She wants Mother.'
'Well, Mother will be back presently,' said Rosie evasively.
'Why did she go off without saying goodbye? Why did she take Martha with
her?'
'Poor little Martha,' said Rosie, suddenly softening. Her lip puckered as if she
was about to cry.
'Is Martha poorly?' Jem persisted, but Rosie wouldn't answer.
When Gideon had been poorly with the croup last winter, Mother had called in
the doctor. He had looked grave and said Gideon might have to be sent to
hospital.
'Is Martha so poorly she's had to go to hospital?' Jem asked.
He lowered his voice when he said the word. We'd heard the villagers talking.
Hospitals were terrifying places where doctors cut you open and took out all
your insides.
'She's had to go to the hospital, that's right,' said Rosie.
Nat sniggered, though even he looked troubled, his eyes watering as if he was
near tears.
Perhaps Martha was very ill, about to die? But this was all such nonsense. I had
cuddled up to Martha all night long and she hadn't been poorly at all.
I clung to Jem and he rocked me again. He didn't go to school that day. He told
Rosie he was staying home to look after us little ones. Rosie tried to make him
go but she sounded half-hearted. She was glad enough to have him in charge
while she scrubbed the cottage and set the cooking pot bubbling on the hearth.
Jem played patiently with Saul and Gideon and me. When the two little boys
had a nap after their soup, Jem took me to the forbidden squirrel house, trying
his best to distract me. I was deeply touched but it didn't work. No matter how
hard I tried to picture, it stayed a grubby hole in a tree. My mind was too full
picturing Mother and Martha.
Rosie had once won a Sunday school prize, a book called Little Elsa's Last
Good Deed. It was a pretty book, bright blue with gold lettering, and I'd begged
Jem to read it to me. He'd stumbled through the first few pages until we both got
tired. It was a dull story and Little Elsa was tiresomely good. She didn't seem
real at all. I leafed through the whole book, looking for pictures, but they weren't
exciting like the Elephant and the Mandarin and the Pirate and the Zebra, my
favourite pictures in The Good Child's ABC. I only liked the last picture, with
Little Elsa lying in bed looking very pale and poorly, and an angel with curly
hair and a shiny hat flying straight through the window to carry her up to
Heaven.
But now I kept picturing Martha as the ailing child in some grim hospital, a
doctor sawing at her stomach, an angel at one end, intent on stealing her away up
to Heaven, and Mother down the other end, hanging onto Martha's ankles.
I sobbed this scenario to Jem and he did his best to reassure me.
'Mother and Martha will come home safe and sound, you'll see,' he said. 'In
fact I reckon they're home already, and when Mother finds I've stayed off school
she'll be right angry with me. And if you pipe up we've been to the squirrel
house, we'll both get a paddling.'
We trailed back home. When we ran into the kitchen, there was Mother at the
table, still stiff in her Sunday best, bolt upright because she was wearing her
stays, though her head was bent. Martha was nowhere to be seen.
'Where's Martha, Mother?' Jem asked.
'Martha?' I echoed.
'Martha's . . . gone,' Mother said.
'The angels got her!' I said, starting to cry again.
'What? No, no, she's not dead, Hetty,' said Mother. She took a deep breath.
'Where are the others, Saul and Gideon? Having a nap? Go and get them, Jem. I
might as well tell all of you together. But Jem, wait – what are you doing at
home, young man? Rosie, why didn't you make him go to school? Oh, never
mind, make me a cup of tea, I'm parched.'
We gathered around Mother, staring at her. I nudged up close to Jem. Gideon
clasped my hand tight. Saul started snivelling.
'There now, you needn't look so tragic,' said Mother, sipping her tea. 'Martha's
very well. She's just not going to live with us any more.'
We stared at her, baffled.
'Where is she going to live, Mother?' Jem asked.
'She's gone back to the Foundling Hospital, dearie,' said Mother. 'You were too
little to remember when she came to the family.'
'The hospital! They'll cut her into bits!' I wailed.
'No, Hetty. It's not that sort of hospital, my lamb. It's a . . . lovely big home for
lots of children who don't have mothers,' said Mother.
'I remember you telling us about the hospital,' said Jem. 'That's how we got
Martha, then Saul, and now Gideon and Hetty.' He put his arms round me,
hugging me tightly. 'But why did Martha have to go back there? You're her
mother now.'
Mother's face crumpled. 'I know, my dear. But I was only her foster mother. I
was simply looking after Martha until she was a big enough girl to go back to the
Foundling Hospital.'
'So when will she come home to us?' Jem asked.
'The Foundling Hospital is her home now, my dear.'
'But Martha won't be able to manage without us! She can't see properly, and
she's a little slow. She needs us to help her!' Jem cried.
'She will find some other good kind big child to help her,' said Mother. 'Now
do stop your questioning, Jem. You're upsetting the little ones.'
She entreated him with her eyes, while Saul and Gideon and I sniffled by her
side. We were too little and stupid and stunned to work out the obvious just yet.
4
We all mourned Martha – but within a few weeks we had almost forgotten her. I
sometimes dreamed about her and reached out in my sleep for her hand or her
hair, and then felt a pang. But Martha's place was soon taken by another little
girl, a baby called Eliza.
'That's my name!' said our Eliza. 'Oh, let me hold her. She's such a little
darling.'
Eliza and Mother fussed excessively over the baby. I thought her a plain, puny
little thing, with a mewling wail that was most aggravating.
'Oh, Hetty, you should have heard yourself when you were a baby! You
shrieked like a banshee,' said Jem, chuckling.
I was so relieved to see that Jem showed only a mild interest in my new little
sister. He was fonder than ever of me, taking me everywhere with him. Father
wanted Jem to help out on the farm when he wasn't at school, so Jem took me
along too. I helped with the harvest, I dug for potatoes, I milked the cows.
I thought at first that they were our crops, our cattle, and all the land was ours.
It certainly felt that way, for all the other men treated our big father with respect.
Some of the young lads even doffed their caps to him. But when Jem took me to
the harvest supper in the barn beside the big farmhouse, I saw our father doff his
cap to Farmer Woodrow.
His wife, Mrs Woodrow, was pouring cider and serving great plates of meat to
everyone. She laughingly gave Jem half a tankard and said, 'Only give your
sister a sip, young Jem.'
She was peering at me curiously. I stared back at her, and she laughed and
pulled one of my red plaits. 'She looks a fiery one!' she said. 'So she's one of
your mother's foundling children?'
Jem pulled me onto his lap protectively. 'Yes, ma'am. This is our Hetty.'
Jem pulled me onto his lap protectively. 'Yes, ma'am. This is our Hetty.'
'Well, it looks as if your mother's doing a good job with her. How much does
she get paid for looking after her?'
I craned round. Jem was red in the face.
'I don't rightly know, ma'am,' he said. 'But our Hetty's worth her weight in
gold.'
'What did that lady say?' I asked when Mrs Woodrow had passed along the
bench to patronize another village child.
'Oh, take no notice,' said Jem, which of course made me notice more.
'Does Mother get paid for looking after us?' I asked.
'I'm big, not little like you. I don't need looking after,' said Jem, not really
answering my question.
That Christmas Mother made me a doll – a rag baby with a sacking dress and a
scrap of white muslin for a bonnet. She had little button eyes and a mouth that
smiled. I thought her the most beautiful doll in the world and cradled her in my
arms all the time, even while I ate my roast chicken. Gideon looked longingly at
my soft, pretty rag baby, and begged to hold her just for a moment. Mine was the
only doll. The new baby, Eliza, was too little for dolls, and big Eliza and Rosie
great girls long past the doll stage.
Gideon's own present was a little horse carved out of wood by Father. It was
an excellent horse with its own brown leather saddle. Saul had a horse with a
saddle too, and made it gallop across the floor. Jem and Nat got pocket knives,
and Rosie and Eliza bead necklaces, one blue and one green.
Marcus and Bess and Nora, the grown-up children, were not given leave to
come home, but Mother had sent them parcels. She said she'd sent another parcel
too, a twin rag baby to mine, specially for Martha.
'Will Martha have a lovely Christmas day like us?' I asked.
'Oh yes, Hetty, she'll have a wonderful time with all her new sisters. I dare say
they'll all get lots of presents and fancy food and they'll play games and have
such larks,' said Mother. 'Don't you worry your little head about Martha, Hetty.'
I did still worry. Mother did too. When I trailed downstairs that night to trek
I did still worry. Mother did too. When I trailed downstairs that night to trek
out to the privy (I'd had two helpings of figgy pudding and had bad stomach
ache), I found Mother weeping in a corner, holding Martha's old checked
pinafore, clutching it to her chest as if it was her own rag baby.
Mother took me out to the privy and held my hand while I groaned – and then,
when I was better, she carried me back indoors. It was chilly downstairs without
a fire, but Mother wrapped me up tight in Father's huge smock and cradled me in
her arms.
'There now, my lambkin,' she said. 'I have you safe. Don't fret.'
Her voice was hoarse and I felt a tear drop on my face. I wrenched a hand free
from my tight wrappings and reached up and stroked her damp cheek.
'There now, Mother,' I said. 'Don't you fret.'
She laughed at that, but she was still crying too. She murmured something. I
didn't quite catch what she said, but now I am absolutely certain it was: 'I shall
miss you so, Hetty Feather.'
The enormity of what was to happen to me didn't dawn until late spring, when
Saul went. For days Mother had been favouring him, pretending not to see when
he poked me with his crutch, when he tripped Gideon, when he pinched Eliza in
her cradle. Mother rubbed his poorly leg and encouraged him to stand up straight
when he walked.
'That's it, my little man. Step out like a soldier – left, right, left, right.'
'Yes, I'm a soldier, like my brother Nat. I'm a soldier and I shoot people with
my gun,' said Saul, aiming his crutch at me. 'Bang bang, you're dead, Hetty!'
He banged so enthusiastically he struck me sorely in the chest.
'No, you're dead, Saul,' I said, seizing the broomstick. 'I'm a soldier and I'm on
my horse, gallopy gallopy, and I'm going to whack whack whack you!'
'Hetty, Hetty, stop that now! Stop plaguing us! I need a little time with your
brother,' said Mother, pushing me away.
I flounced off in a temper. Jem was at school so I played with Gideon instead.
'We'll play whacking, Gideon,' I said.
'No! Don't want to!' Gideon whimpered.
'No! Don't want to!' Gideon whimpered.
'I'm not going to whack you, Gid. We'll whack Saul. Whack whack whack.'
'Not really?' said Gideon, looking horrified.
'Yes, really. We'll whack him and bash him and stamp on him,' I said.
'We'll hurt him!' said Gideon.
'He hurts us,' I said, pulling up my dress and examining the angry red mark
where Saul had prodded me with his crutch.
'We must turn the other cheek.' Gideon was parroting the Bible in a sickening
fashion. He always listened hard at Sunday school and absorbed the moral
lesson. I listened when there were tales of lions and whales and animals walking
two by two into a great ark, but I didn't pay attention otherwise.
I didn't feel like turning my other cheek to Saul, especially when Jem came
home from school and he started making a fuss of Saul too. He gave him a
piggyback ride all around the house and then let him play soldiers, taking pains
to fall down dead every time Saul potted a shot at him.
When I tried to join in too, Saul screamed, 'No no no, this is boys' play, Hetty,'
and Jem didn't dispute this.
I stomped off and murmured darkly to my rag baby, hating them all, even my
Jem. I especially hated Saul. When Mother bade us kiss goodnight, I sucked my
lips in tight and wouldn't kiss Saul. I did not relent, even when Mother shook
me.
'You will be sorry, Hetty,' she said ominously.
'No I won't,' I said, but it came out 'Mm mi mn't' because my mouth was still
shut into a slit.
'Please, Hetty, there's a dear,' Jem whispered into my ear, but I took no notice.
Saul didn't care in the slightest. He laughed at me triumphantly, eyes bright,
cheeks scarlet with excitement, the centre of everyone's attention. He didn't have
any idea what was going to happen either, not till Mother woke him at dawn.
I heard him getting cross, then crying . . . then screaming. I sat up, my heart
thudding. I ran to him. Mother had him half dressed in his best Sunday clothes,
but he was kicking hard with his good leg and pummelling with his arms. All the
while he screamed, 'No, Mother, no, I won't, I won't, I won't go.'
Rosie and big Eliza were trying to help Mother get him dressed, while baby
Eliza wailed miserably in her cradle.
'What are you doing? Why are you dressing Saul in his Sundays?' I asked.
'For pity's sake, Hetty, I can't be doing with your questions, not now,' Mother
gasped. 'Oh, Saul, my sweetheart, try to be a big brave boy.'
But Saul scrunched himself up small and sobbed. I stared at him. Suddenly I
didn't care about all his proddings and pinchings. He was Saul, my brother, and I
couldn't stand to see him so scared.
I plunged forward and threw myself at him, planting eager wet kisses on his
cheek and neck and curly hair. Saul clung to me.
'Oh, Hetty, Mother's taking me away to the hospital and I can't never never
come back!' he sobbed.
'No, you can't, Mother! You won't!' I shouted, and I started hitting and kicking
her too.
Jem and Nat had to carry me away while Mother persisted with dressing Saul.
I don't know whether he continued to cry. My own shrieks were too loud for me
to hear anything else. Nat thumped me hard and shouted at me, Jem held me
close and whispered soft words into my ear, but I didn't respond to either
brother.
I was lost in the horror of losing Saul. I would never ever have the chance to
be a good sister to him. I screamed until my throat was raw. I went on screaming
until I slept. When I woke, I had no idea whether it was morning or afternoon.
The house was horribly silent, though I could hear a little snuffling noise close
by.
I reached out across the bed, but there was no one there. The snuffling
continued, from under the bed. I leaned out, hung my head down, and saw
Gideon curled up beneath me.
'Oh, Gid,' I croaked, barely able to talk. 'Come up into the bed.'
But he wouldn't, so I crawled underneath beside him, lying on the cold dusty
floorboards.
floorboards.
'What are you doing, Gideon?' I asked. 'Are you pretending to be a chamber
pot?'
I said it to make him laugh but he went on snuffling.
'You cry ever so quietly,' I observed. 'I scream and scream.'
'I know,' said Gideon thickly.
His face was so sodden with tears and snot he could scarcely breathe. I very
kindly lifted up my nightgown hem and mopped him dry.
'Is Mother back?' I asked.
'Yes. But Saul isn't,' Gideon whispered.
I swallowed. My throat hurt so much I held it on the outside, clasping my neck
with both hands. 'I was a bad sister to him,' I said wretchedly. I wriggled nearer
to Gideon. 'I shall be a lovely sister to you now, Gid,' I said, putting my arms
round him.
I was smaller than him, but he felt very little and spindly in my arms. I could
feel him trembling.
'Hetty, will Mother take us to this hospital?'
'Hush!' I said sharply. It felt so much worse to have Gideon put it into words. I
shook him a little and then felt bad. Hadn't I only just that minute promised to be
a good sister?
'Of course Mother won't take us,' I said as firmly as I could. I patted Gideon
encouragingly. 'You are her favourite. She wouldn't ever take you. And Jem
wouldn't let her take me. Mother won't take us. Never never never. Say it,
Gideon. Never.'
'Never never never,' we chanted.
I thought I would ask Mother, just to be certain sure, but somehow the words
dried in my sore throat when I saw her. She was grey with grief, clutching little
Eliza to her bosom, tears rolling down her cheeks.
I asked Jem instead.
'You won't let me go to that hospital, will you, Jem?'
'No, Hetty,' said Jem, hugging me tight.
I looked up at his face. His eyes were very red.
'Have you been crying, Jem?' I asked.
Jem never cried. He didn't even cry the day one of the horses bolted and
knocked him to the ground. He got kicked in the head, so that one side of his
poor face was black with bruises for weeks.
'I'm staying here for ever and ever, aren't I, Jem?' I said again. 'And Gideon is
too.'
'Yes, Hetty. Of course you are,' Jem said again and again, but he still didn't
seem quite sure enough.
I couldn't get to sleep that night, and when I eventually dozed off I dreamed of
Saul. A large cruel nurse was picking him up and plunging him into the water
butt, trying to drown him like a newborn kitten. I screamed at her and she seized
me too, holding me fast by the scruff of the neck. I struggled in the butt and her
hand pushed me down, down, down in the murky water. I woke with a start and
found there was murky water in my own bed too.
I thought Mother would be cross with me for being such a baby, but she
scarcely said a word. She moved slowly about the house, her head bowed. She
fed and changed Eliza, and cooked bacon and cabbage for all of us, but most of
the time she sat staring at the floor, wringing her big red hands.
Rosie ushered us out of the cottage to give Mother some peace. We were
huddled miserably on the doorstep when Father came striding home.
'Hello, chickens.' He ruffled our heads and sighed. 'Oh dear. No cheeps from
any of you,' he said, stepping over us with his great legs.
He said no more until he'd eaten his supper. Then he lit his pipe and called us
to come and stand by his chair.
'Nat, go down to the Otter Inn and fetch me a tankard of ale. No spilling a
drop, do you hear? Jem, you go with him. Eliza, go and see to your namesake
sister. See if you can quieten her grizzling. Rosie, take Mother upstairs – she
needs to lie down. Be off, all of you. I want to have a word with Hetty and
Gideon.'
Gideon.'
When they were all gone, he shook his head at us. 'Such long faces! Are you
missing young Saul?'
'Most dreadfully, Father,' I said.
He blinked at me. 'Why, Hetty, you do surprise me,' he said. 'You two were
always fighting! No doubt you're full of remorse now?'
I nodded. I wasn't yet sure what remorse meant, but the cold, sour, sick feeling
in my stomach seemed to sum it up.
'Poor child,' said Father, patting me.
I climbed up onto his great lap and nuzzled my face against his chest. I could
hear his heart going thump against my cheek.
'Mother won't take me away, will she, Father?' I said into the rough cotton of
his smock. 'Nor Gideon?'
I waited. I felt Father take several deep breaths.
'Not till next year, my sweetheart, when you are both much bigger.'
'No! No, not then, not ever!' I shrieked, pummelling him with my fists.
'Stop that now, missy!' said Father, catching both my flailing hands in his large
one. 'You've shrieked enough today, I'm told. There's no point wailing when it
can't be helped. Now hush and listen. Mother and I love you, love Gideon, love
little Eliza just like our own children. We still love Saul—'
'And Martha,' I said.
'And Martha,' said Father, seeming surprised I'd remembered her. 'But you're
not our children, you're little waifs from the Foundling Hospital. You came to us
as tiny babies. Mother has a knack with specially frail babies. She rears you up
until you're fat and rosy-cheeked.' He gently poked me in the cheeks with his
thumb and finger, but I wriggled free, a new thought having struck me.
I was remembering the pig out in the back yard. Mother had a piglet every
year, pale and puny. She fed it and fattened it until it could barely sway on its
trotters, and then Father came along, and although we weren't supposed to
watch, we heard squeal-squeal-squeal, and the next day there was fresh pork on
our plates.
'Is she fattening us up to eat us?' I said, gazing at Father as if he was an ogre.
He stared back at me, slack-mouthed, and then he roared with laughter. 'Oh,
Hetty, Hetty, you're a funny one,' he chortled. 'Of course no one's going to eat
you! Mother will take you back to the Foundling Hospital when you're big
enough, and you'll live with lots and lots of other girls. Martha will be there so
you'll have one sister. And you'll be with the boys, Gideon, and Saul will be your
brother.'
'I want to be with Hetty,' said Gideon, but Father paid him no heed.
'We need to be with you, Father. And Mother. And my Jem,' I said. 'Please
can't we stay? I promise I'll be very, very, very good. I'll never shout or kick or
cry ever again.'
'You're a caution, Hetty,' said Father. 'We would love you to stay here with us.
We'd like to keep all our dear foster children, but you do not belong to us. You
belong to the hospital. All foundlings must be returned by their sixth birthday.
Don't look so worried. I'm sure they will be kind to you as long as you are a
sensible girl, Hetty. They will school you properly and teach you to be a good
Christian child.'
'Will we live there for ever?'
'No, no, they will train you up to be a servant girl and you will go away into
service when you are fourteen,' said Father.
'Like Bess and Nora?' I said.
'Just like our Bess and Nora,' said Father. 'And then I dare say you can come
home to us once a year just as they do.'
I pondered. Last Mothering Sunday I had admired my big sisters in their fancy
print dresses and fine stockings when they'd travelled home on a visit. But they'd
told Mother tales of cross cooks who beat them over the head with ladles and sly
masters who tried to sneak kisses.
'I do not want to be a servant girl,' I said.
'Will I be a servant girl?' asked Gideon.
'Don't be dim-witted, lad!' said Father. 'No, no, I dare say you will be a sailor
or a soldier boy like our Marcus.'
'I will be a sailor or a soldier and go adventuring,' I said.
'You are a very strange pair,' said Father, sighing. 'Now jump down and give
me a little peace.'
'But you must tell us about the hospital, Father!' I demanded.
'Hetty, I don't know anything about the hospital. I've never even set foot inside
it. I just know it's a good place for little children and you need never say you're
ashamed to come from there,' said Father. 'Now stop plaguing me, girl. My
head's aching.'
Father might never have been to this Foundling Hospital – but Mother had.
'Come with me, Gideon,' I whispered as Father sucked on his pipe and closed
his eyes.
I tiptoed up the stairs, tugging Gideon behind me.
Rosie was guarding the door to Mother's bedroom, but I was bold.
'Father said we must talk to Mother,' I said.
I heard Gideon gasp at my outright lie. Rosie hesitated, but I pushed right past
her determinedly. It was dark in Mother's room, the curtains drawn shut as if it
was night-time. I could just make out the shape of Mother lying on her back. I
wondered if she'd gone to sleep, but when I clambered carefully up onto the bed,
her arm came out and held me tight. I hauled Gideon up too and he nestled on
her other side.
'My lambs,' she murmured.
'Mother, Father has told us about the hospital. Is it truly a good place?' I asked.
I felt Mother stiffen. She swallowed hard. 'Of course it is a good place, Hetty,'
she said.
I wondered if Mother could be a liar too. I lay thinking about it.
'Did Saul cry a lot when you said goodbye?' I asked.
Mother might be a brave liar, but she wasn't foolish. 'Yes, he cried,' she said.
Mother might be a brave liar, but she wasn't foolish. 'Yes, he cried,' she said.
'And did Martha cry too?'
'Yes, Martha cried too.'
'I shall cry,' Gideon whispered.
'I shall scream and kick and be so bad they won't let me stay, and then Mother
can take me home,' I said.
5
I had loved Martha much more dearly than Saul but I had mostly forgotten her.
However, I could not get Saul out of my head for months. I thought of him living
in this huge hospital with so many other boys. I knew most boys weren't gentle
and protective like my dear Jem. The village boys had often jeered and pointed
at Saul, imitating the lopsided way he walked. One boy had pushed him hard and
then laughed when he toppled over. I thought of all the foundling boys laughing
and pointing and pushing Saul, and my eyes brimmed with tears.
Then I thought of all those boys mocking Gideon in turn. My fists clenched. I
resolved to fight anyone who dared hurt my special brother. I was certain they
would not dare hurt me. I was famous for my temper in the village. I might be
the smallest but I was always the fiercest in any scrap. Mothers came and told
tales to my mother about hair-pulling and kicking and sometimes outright
punching. Poor Mother was mortified. She tried reasoning with me but I
reasoned back.
'They called me names, Mother. Half-pint and Ginger and Runt. I said my
name was Hetty and they just laughed. So I hit them and they stopped.'
'Jesus said to turn the other cheek,' said Mother.
Maybe Jesus wasn't teased the way I was. I thought hard, trying to remember
the Bible stories I heard at Sunday school.
'God said, an eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth,' I declared, imitating the
solemn holy tone of the Sunday school teacher. I hoped it would make Mother
laugh. I knew I was in danger of yet another paddling.
This suddenly started up a new fear.
'Do they punish the children at the hospital, Mother?'
'Not if they're good girls and boys,' Mother said.
This was not reassuring. I thought hard.
'Is that why they're there? Because they're bad?'
'No, no, no. It's because their own mothers can't look after them,' said Mother.
'Why can't they?' I asked.
Mother sighed. 'There never was such a girl for questions. You make my head
ache, Hetty.'
'Please tell, Mother!'
'Well, dear, some ladies have babies and they can't look after them,' said
Mother.
'Why can't they?' I persisted.
'Perhaps they're very poorly. Or they haven't got a dear husband like Father to
give them a proper home. The ladies don't want to go into the workhouse' –
Mother whispered the word and shuddered – 'so they take their babes to the
Foundling Hospital.'
'Do they cry when they say goodbye?'
'I'm sure they cry a good deal,' said Mother.
'Did my first mother cry?'
'I'm sure it fair broke her heart to part with you, Hetty,' said Mother.
'Why can't I go and live with that mother now, Mother, instead of being sent
back to this hospital? I don't need looking after. I can earn money. I could sing
and dance so that people throw pennies at me.'
'You can't carry a tune to save your life, Hetty, so maybe they'd throw
tomatoes,' said Mother. 'No dear, you don't belong to your mother now. You
belong to the Foundling Hospital.'
I did not want to belong to an institution. I wanted a mother. I crept off by
myself, squeezing into the tiny space at the back of the pigsty and the privy. It
was private because everyone else was too small to squeeze through the
gooseberry bushes and brambles to sit there. I wasn't comfortable because there
were nettles and it smelled bad, but I didn't care. I pulled my skirts down over
my bare legs, put my head on my knees and wept.
my bare legs, put my head on my knees and wept.
After a long time I heard them shouting for me. I stayed where I was. Then
there were footsteps.
'Hetty? Hetty!' Jem called.
I did not reply to him, but I was sniffing hard.
'Oh, Hetty, I know you're in there,' said Jem. 'Come out. Please!'
I did not budge.
'I'm too big to come in and get you,' said Jem.
I heard the bushes rustling, then Jem swearing.
'That's a bad word!' I said.
'I know it's a bad word. Anyone would say it if they were scratched all over by
brambles,' Jem panted. 'Do come out, Hetty.'
I simply wouldn't.
'Then I will have to try to get in,' said Jem, sighing.
He forced his way forward, thrusting his arm through the bushes until his hand
j-u-s-t reached my bare foot. He held it tight. I curled my grubby toes into his
palm.
'There now,' Jem whispered.
'Oh, Jem,' I said, sobbing.
'I can't bear you fretting about the hospital,' he said.
'I'm not going,' I said.
There was a silence as we held hand and foot.
'I think you have to go, Hetty,' said Jem. 'But perhaps I could go too. We'll
pretend I am a foundling boy. Yes, I can take Gideon's place and he can stay
with Mother.'
'Dear Jem! I wish you could. But Mother and Father wouldn't let you,' I said.
There was another silence.
'I will be so sad,' I said. 'I will have to stay there soooo long.'
Jem had taught me how to count to ten. I tried to count on my fingers.
'I will be there one two three . . . lots and lots of years,' I said dolefully.
'I think it is nine years, Hetty. And then you will be fourteen and quite grown
up. And do you know what will happen then?'
'I will have to be a servant, and cooks will hit me and masters will kiss me,' I
said.
'Maybe for a short while. But then I will come to fetch you and look after you,
and as soon as you are old enough I will make you my wife. I know I am your
brother, but not by blood so we can marry! We will have our own cottage and
work on the farm and you will keep house and look after our babies. It will be
just like our games in the squirrel house, but real, Hetty,' said Jem.
'Really real?'
'I promise,' said Jem.
I didn't always keep my promises, but Jem did. I seized his hand, kissed it
passionately, and then crawled out of my hiding place to give him a proper hug.
Thoughts of the Foundling Hospital still loomed, but at least I had a wondrous
future ahead of me. I just had to wait one two three four five six seven eight nine
years, endure a couple more while I dodged blows and kisses as a servant, and
then I would be sweet sixteen and Jem's bride.
I dressed up in Mother's best white Sunday petticoat, clutching a posy of
buttercups and daisies, and tripped around on Jem's arm, picturing for all I was
worth.
'You are my lovely big handsome husband, dear Jem,' I said.
'You are my very fine little wife, dear Hetty,' said Jem.
The others laughed at us, especially Nat, but we didn't care. Gideon didn't
laugh but he looked wistful.
'I want to be your husband, Hetty,' he said.
'No, Gideon, Jem has to be my husband, but you may come and live with us
and be our big boy,' I said kindly.
and be our big boy,' I said kindly.
I was out one day in the meadow playing Bride with my husband and big boy
when I heard distant cheering and hurrahs, as if half the village were coming to
applaud our marriage. I looked over the grass, squinting in the sunlight. I could
see no one. They must be processing along the other side of the tall hedgerow.
Then I saw a gigantic grey head poking up above the hedge – a huge head with
wrinkled skin and a tiny eye and the longest nose in all the world. I knew what it
was!
'Oh my stars! E is for Elephant!' I gasped. 'There is an elephant walking along
the lane.'
Jem was facing the wrong way. He did not take me seriously. 'Has it come to
our wedding as a guest?'
'Don't picture T is for Tiger,' said Gideon. 'I don't like his teeth.'
'I'm not picturing! The elephant is real,' I said, tugging at them. 'Look!'
They turned and saw the head bobbing along above the hedgerow for
themselves. Jem shouted, Gideon shrieked.
'Come on, let's see it properly,' I said, grabbing their hands.
'No, no, it will eat us!' Gideon cried.
'Don't be such a baby. Come on,' I commanded.
Jem and I hauled him along between us. We ran diagonally across the meadow
towards the stile. The clapping and cheering grew louder, the vast head more
wondrous the nearer we got.
When we reached the stile, Jem lifted me up, and then Gideon, and then we all
jumped out into the lane. There was the elephant plodding along the path, a real
true elephant with such wrinkled skin, such huge legs, such an immense belly! A
man in a military coat and great black boots strode along beside the beast,
leading him like a dog on a chain.
Another man capered about beside them, the oddest creature I had ever seen,
with hair sticking up on end and a bright red nose, his feet in great black shoes
that flapped comically. He was banging a drum and dancing. Two big boys
danced along beside him, dressed in the oddest clothes – sparkly silver shirts and
very short breeches and white tights. Jem's mouth hung open in shocked horror,
but Gideon pointed in awe. These boys paused and suddenly went forward into a
tumble, over and over and up in the air and over and over again.
'Oh my stars!' said Jem, overcoming his scorn at their girlish garb. He could go
head over heels and stand on his hands, and frequently did so to amuse me, but
he couldn't possibly caper like these boys.
Then came great wagons painted scarlet and emerald and canary yellow. There
was a message written in curly writing on the sides of each one. I knew my
alphabet but I couldn't figure words properly yet.
Jem read it for us:
Perhaps I was imagining the words because I wanted to see them so badly. I
knew all along that there was only a chance that Tanglefield's would be here on
the heath. They could be at any town or village in the whole of Britain.
I blinked to get the words properly in focus. Oh glory, it really did say
Tanglefield!
'Oh thank you, thank you, thank you,' I gabbled, nearly sick with excitement.
I ran nearer. I saw Elijah tethered behind the tent, the real Elijah, truly vast and
more weirdly wrinkled than ever, his great ears in the air, trunk waving. I had
found my circus! And now I just had to find Madame Adeline and all my dreams
would come true.
The flap on the circus tent was closed. A notice declared: Next performance at
five thirty.
I couldn't wait that long. I dodged round the tent, nervously skirted Elijah, and
timidly knocked on the nearest wagon. An old man came to the door in just his
undershirt and trousers, his braces flapping.
'What do you want, missy?' he said, frowning at me. There were traces of red
on his nose and around his mouth.
'You're Chino the clown!' I said.
'No I'm not, not when I'm taking my break! Now be off with you. I need my
forty winks.'
'I'm sorry to disturb you, Mr Chino. It's just I must see Madame Adeline. It's
very urgent. Oh, please tell me she's still with the circus, Madame Adeline and
her six ponies?'
'Well, she can barely run to two now. She's a bit down on her luck, our Addie.
'Well, she can barely run to two now. She's a bit down on her luck, our Addie.
Past it, if you ask me. But the circus is in her blood, you know how it is.'
'The circus is in my blood too,' I said grandly. 'I'll thank you not to talk
disparagingly of Madame Adeline. I am related to her.'
'Are you now?' he said, peering at me doubtfully. 'Well, she's over in the
wagon at the end, the green one with the stars on the door. But she'll likely be
taking a nap and won't be too happy to be disturbed.'
'She'll want to see me,' I said.
I had to believe it. I had no other dreams left. I said it so passionately that the
clown believed me too.
'Go and knock at her door then,' he said, squinting at me. 'Mm, maybe I can
see a likeness.'
I walked over to the green wagon, trembling now. I reached up and knocked
timidly on the door. It was painted all over with silver stars. My Little Star! I
waited. Perhaps I'd been too timid? I knocked harder, rat-tat-tat. I heard a
murmur inside. Someone shouted crossly, 'For pity's sake, who is it?'
My throat was so dry I could barely call out. 'It's me, Hetty Feather,' I
mumbled.
The door opened and an old lady with sparse grey hair peered out at me. She
was wearing a pale-green silk dressing gown, rather grubby and stained, and
scuffed slippers on her splayed feet. Oh dear Lord, I'd gone to the wrong wagon!
'Who did you say? Hetty Feather? What do you want, child?' she asked,
rubbing her eyes irritably. Her hair was all awry at the back, and she combed it
with her fingers when she saw me looking.
'I'm so sorry, ma'am. I did not mean to disturb you. I'm looking for Madame
Adeline,' I whispered.
'And why is that?' she demanded. She held the door, looking as if she might
slam it in my face.
It was time to be blunt. 'Because I think I might be her daughter,' I said.
The old woman blinked at me. 'What?'
I licked my lips and repeated it. She stood staring at me, shaking her head in
I licked my lips and repeated it. She stood staring at me, shaking her head in
astonishment.
'Well, you'd better come inside,' she said at last, beckoning to me.
I climbed the steps to her wagon and walked in through the starry door. It was
like a real little room inside. There was a green velvet upholstered chair with a
lace antimacassar and a little table covered with a fringed chenille cloth. A
cabinet crammed with china ornaments stood in a corner, though she must have
had to wrap and store every one of her treasures while travelling. I spotted a little
bed with rumpled covers let down like a shelf from the wagon wall. I peered at
it, thinking Madame Adeline must indeed be taking a nap – but there was no
head on the pillow, no body beneath the sheets.
'Sit down child,' said the old woman, indicating a padded footstool beside the
chair. She set a silver kettle on top of a spirit stove and fetched two willow-
pattern china cups and saucers. She then produced a slab of cake, checkered pink
and yellow sponge coated with thick marzipan. My mouth watered. I had had no
lunch at all and I was starving hungry. The old woman looked at my face and cut
a large slice of cake.
'You look as if you need it!' she said.
'Oh, I do, and it's such lovely cake too! But mayn't I meet Madame Adeline
first?'
The old woman smiled strangely. There was something familiar about her
smile. Could she be Madame Adeline's mother – and therefore my very own
grandmother?
'Are you perhaps recognizing me now?' she said.
I shifted uncertainly.
'Maybe this will help you?' she said, shuffling in her down-at-heel slippers
over to a wooden cabinet. She opened the doors to display a little dressing table
with a large mirror. There was also a bright-red head of hair balanced on a stand.
'My wig,' she said, and she picked it up and carefully positioned it over her
own grey locks. 'Tra- la!' she said, raising her arms in an ironic flourish.
'Madame Adeline herself!'
I stared at her. She still looked like an old woman in spite of her bright hair.
'You will have to imagine the greasepaint and the costume for now. I'm not
getting ready for the show just yet,' she said.
'You are really Madame Adeline?' I gasped.
'Your obvious astonishment is not very flattering, child,' she said, yawning.
'Strange that you didn't recognize your own mother!' She laughed a little.
I felt my face flaming. She bent down beside me, suddenly gentle.
'Whatever put such a strange fancy into your head?' she asked.
'You said I was your Little Star,' I said.
'Did I?'
'You came to our village and picked me out from all the other children and I
rode on Pirate with you,' I whispered.
'Oh, my dear Pirate,' she said, sighing. 'He broke his leg three years ago. He
had to be destroyed and it nearly broke my heart. I've never had another horse
like him. So I came to your village long ago?'
'Five years.'
'You must have been very young then, and yet you remember it so vividly.
How old are you now, about eight?'
'I'm nearly eleven, ma'am.'
'So why did you fancy I was your mother? Don't you have a mother of your
own?'
'No I don't. I'm a foundling. I've never known who she is. But I just thought, as
you were so kind to me, and we look a little alike, and we both have such red
hair . . . well, so I thought . . . I just so hoped . . .' I was crying now, gulping with
great ugly sobs.
'Oh dear, Hetty, you poor little creature!' She bent down and put her arms
round me. I smelled her own sweet powdery smell and howled. She held me
close, rocking me as if I was a baby – her baby. I cried all over her green silk
dressing gown, but she didn't seem to mind.
'There now, you poor love,' she said when at last my sobs slowed.
She lifted me up and sat me in her own armchair, then poured me a cup of tea
and gave me the big slab of cake. I ate and drank with gusto in spite of my
sadness. As I munched my excellent cake (she cut me another slice as soon as
the first vanished), she coaxed me to tell my story. She laughed with me when I
described my antics with Jem back in the village; she looked as if she might cry
herself when I told her about the miseries and humiliations at the hospital.
'You poor little pet, no wonder you had such a strange fancy! But I'm still
bewildered that I made such a strong impression on you that you remembered
me all this time.'
'Of course I remember!' I looked at her imploringly. 'Don't you remember me,
your Little Star?'
I saw her hesitate. I realized in that moment that I must have been one of many
many many 'Little Stars'. Perhaps she picked a likely child for every
performance. How could she possibly remember me among so many?
'Of course I remember you,' she said quickly, but I knew she was lying to save
my feelings. 'The very little girl with the flame-red hair. Yes, you were indeed a
Little Star. And yes, in the ring, we must have looked like a real mother and
daughter.'
'But – but you're absolutely certain that I'm not your daughter?' I blurted out.
'Oh dear, Hetty! I wish I could pretend, but no, I am absolutely certain you are
not my daughter. Though rest assured, if you were, I should never have given
you to this Foundling Hospital, no matter what my circumstances. I would have
dearly loved a baby.' She bent her head, biting her thin lips. 'I cannot have
children. There was an accident when I was a child myself. I fell while training
one day, and one of the horses galloped over me and kicked me violently in the
stomach. I was told it was my own fault – I should have remembered to curl up
to protect myself. My womb was ruptured and I could not ride again for more
than a year.' She held her stomach now as if it still hurt her.
'Can't we pretend, Madame Adeline? Can't we make out to everyone that I
really am your daughter? Chino the clown believed me, I'm certain. You could
train me up and I could ride with you and – and I'd take care of the horses and
look after you – I could sew your costumes – anything.'
'Dear Hetty, I've never had such a dear, kind, tempting offer! But the circus is
no life for a child. There's such hardship, such struggle, such pain. I've seen tiny
no life for a child. There's such hardship, such struggle, such pain. I've seen tiny
children of three and four screaming as they're bent in two, their limbs twisted
this way and that by their own parents to crick them into the right kind of
bendiness for an acrobat act. It's especially no life for girls, with all the men
leering at their brief costumes in the ring. Terrible things happen, Hetty, terrible
things. No, you must go back to your hospital and try to be a good girl so you
don't get punished any more!'
'I can't go back! Oh, please, please let me stay with you!'
'Dear child, I wouldn't be allowed to keep you. Folk would say I had abducted
you. They would fear for your moral welfare here in the circus – and rightly so.
No, after the show I will accompany you back to the hospital myself.' She looked
at a brass clock ticking on a shelf. 'I must start getting ready now. Do you want
to watch me one more time?'
'Yes, of course!'
I thought she might send me out of the wagon while she got ready, but she let
me stay to watch her transforming herself. She sat before her mirror, placed the
great red wig back on its stand, and tied her own ruffled wisps back under a
kerchief. Then she applied greasepaint to her pale face, a thick white, with bright
pink on her cheeks. She put blue on her lids and outlined her eyes with black
kohl, and then set her lips in a strange thin smile so she could fill them in with
carmine paint.
She went behind a screen, took off her dressing gown and put on her pink
spangled dress and white tights. I heard her sighing and groaning as she
struggled into the tight costume and squeezed her swollen feet into little pink
ballet shoes. Then she emerged self-consciously and carefully put the red wig
back on her head.
She stood before me, my Madame Adeline, ready to pass muster in the circus
ring, though now, close up, I could still see the lines on her face under the thick
make-up, the sadness of her eyes beneath her blue lids, the sag of her ageing
body in the unforgiving costume. I felt a fierce protective love for her, as if she
was truly my mother.
'You look beautiful, Madame Adeline,' I lied.
She gave me a kiss on the cheek and then went to wipe the smudge of carmine
away, but I protected it with my hand, wanting to wear the marks of my kiss
away, but I protected it with my hand, wanting to wear the marks of my kiss
with pride. She slipped her green dressing gown round her shoulders and took
me to the entrance of the tent, open now, with people pouring in to see the show.
'Make sure this child gets a good seat,' she said to one of the circus hands. 'I
will come and collect her after the show to take her back home.'
She went off with one last wave to me. I sat in the front, waiting tensely, while
the audience chatted and chewed food and started calling out impatiently for the
show to start.
Then Chino came capering into the ring, followed by his clown friend, Beppo.
Everyone laughed at their foolish antics, but now that I knew Chino was just a
sad old man doing his job I could not find him funny. I did not even enjoy it
when he ran rings round Elijah the elephant and performed the clockwork-mouse
trick. I could not marvel at Elijah either as he wearily performed each plodding
trick, his skin sagging, his tiny eyes half blinded by the bright flare of gaslight.
I watched the lady walking the tightrope, grown very plump, though she was
still as nimble dancing up in the air. I saw the silver-suited tumbling boys, three
of them now, one as small as me. I wished Gideon was with me to see them leap
and cartwheel. I saw the gentleman throwing daggers at the lady, the seals
clapping their flippers, the man eating fire. It was as if they were all phantoms in
a dream. I had pictured them vividly so many times, glorifying everything, so
that now their real acts seemed a dull disappointment.
'Now, ladies and gentlemen, girls and boys, Tanglewood's Travelling Circus is
proud to present Madame Adeline and her rosin-backed performing horses!'
I sat up straight, fists clenched, scarcely able to bear the tension. Madame
Adeline came cantering in on a piebald pony, another following close behind.
The two horses stepped in time to the music, sometimes hesitating and missing
the beat. They were old now, their manes yellow-grey, their flanks sunken.
Madame Adeline stood up on the back of the lead horse, straight and proud as
ever, smiling with her carmine lips. I watched her perform every trick, leaping
precariously from one horse to another, swinging her legs, standing on her
hands, jumping through hoops – my heart in my mouth in case she slipped.
'Hello, children,' she called. 'Who would like to come and ride with me?'
She looked straight at me and beckoned. I had to go to her. I felt foolishly
conspicuous in my ugly brown frock. Small though I was, I was clearly the
eldest child scrambling into the ring.
Madame Adeline smiled at me and helped me up onto the first piebald horse,
swinging herself up after me. We trotted round the ring while everyone clapped.
'Shall we perform properly for them, Hetty?' Madame Adeline murmured into
my hair.
'Yes, yes!'
Madame Adeline clucked and our horse gathered speed, galloping round and
round the ring while I grabbed his mane and dug my knees in hard to keep my
balance.
'Your star turn now!' said Madame Adeline. 'Time to stand up.'
It was much harder now that I was taller and Madame Adeline not so strong. I
wobbled precariously, trying desperately to keep my boots connected with the
horse's back. I could only manage a split second before I collapsed back onto the
horse with a bump – though everyone still clapped.
We slowed down and I scrambled off inelegantly, terrified that folk would see
I wore no drawers. Madame Adeline held my hand and we took our bow
together.
'Well done, dear Hetty,' she whispered. 'Watch the rest of the show and then I
will come for you to take you back.'
I smiled and nodded at her – but after she'd left the ring I stood up and sidled
my way along the row to the end. I slipped out of the tent.
'Goodbye, dear Madame Adeline!' I whispered, blowing a kiss in the direction
of her wagon.
I could not return to the hospital and the terrible punishment attic. I had run
away for ever. I had to fend for myself now.
19
I stepped out purposefully, though I had no idea where in the world I was going.
The fairground smell of onions and fried potatoes made my mouth water. I had
no money – but I watched a finicky lady nibble at a cone of fried potatoes, pull a
face and toss them to the ground. I darted forward and snatched them up. I
wolfed them down hurriedly. That was supper taken care of.
It was starting to get dark, so now I needed a bed for the night. I wandered past
the noise and glare of the fairground onto the wild heath. At first there were still
couples all around me, strolling through the trees, rustling and giggling in the
bushes, but after five or ten minutes' walking I seemed to be all alone. I knew the
heath wasn't proper countryside, but it had the same good fresh earthy smell.
I stared up at the stars and moon, marvelling in spite of my desolation. I had
not seen the night sky properly since I was five. I held my arms up as if I was
trying to embrace the constellations. I remembered Jem naming some of the stars
for me, and my eyes filled with tears. I knuckled them fiercely. I had done
enough crying for today. I had to be practical and find a safe place to sleep.
In the dark I could not find a hollow tree to turn into a squirrel house, so I
found a large bush instead. The ground felt dry and sandy underneath. I crawled
under the thick branches and curled up in a ball, cradling my head with my
hands.
'This is better than a squirrel house,' I told myself. 'This is a cosy little burrow,
and if I shut my eyes I shall picture it properly.'
I pictured a sweet bedchamber with a patchwork quilt of buttercups and daisies
and clover. It was very similar to the illustration of the field-mouse's burrow
beneath the cornfield in my Thumbelina storybook. Oh, how I wished I had my
precious gift from Ida with me now. However, I'd read it so many times I knew
the story almost by heart. I repeated it to myself – and by the time Thumbelina
flew off with her swallow I was fast asleep.
I woke with a start in the middle of the night, cold and stiff and terrified. I
could not make my picturing work now. I felt utterly alone, like the last child left
on earth. I could not stop myself weeping then. I went back to sleep wondering if
I might not even be better incarcerated in the punishment attic of the hospital.
I felt more cheerful when I woke in the soft summer daylight. I rolled out from
under my bush, stretched heartily and strolled about. I had no privy but it was
easy enough to squat behind a tree. Now I needed a washroom. To my delight I
found a series of ponds, gleaming silver-grey in the early sunshine. I had no idea
how to swim, but I took off my boots and stockings and dress and had a quick
splash in the shallows.
I had no towel to dry myself so I ran madly all the way round the pond, and
when I came back to my clothes I was nearly dry. I smoothed the creases from
my dress as best I could, and polished the dust from my boots with a clump of
leaves. I let my hair loose, combed it with my fingers, and then replaited it as
neatly as I could.
Now I needed breakfast! This was more of a problem. I wandered around
looking for nuts or berries but I could not find any at all. Perhaps if I found my
way back to the fair I'd be able to forage for thrown-away scraps? But I'd
wandered so far now I had no sense of direction. I simply walked on, not sure
whether I was heading north or south, or simply going round in circles.
I saw a blue wisp of smoke coming from a small copse, and as I drew nearer I
smelled a wonderful savoury cooking smell. I crept closer and came upon a
group of dark gypsies in strange bright clothes frying some kind of meat. I
wondered if they might share their meal with me. For a few seconds I even had a
fantasy of becoming a gypsy girl and travelling in their caravan and selling
clothes pegs and telling fortunes, but their dog barked at me furiously and a
ragged child started hurling stones at me.
They were clearly not making me welcome so I wandered on, hungrier than
ever. I reached the edge of the heath at last and walked out onto the pavement,
feeling strangely disorientated to be back in the town so rapidly. I kept my eyes
peeled for dainty ladies throwing away half-eaten food, but there were mostly
gentlemen in the streets, walking quickly, glancing at their watches, running to
catch omnibuses, obviously off to work.
I walked on and on, peering in at the windows of all the big grand houses. I
could sometimes see right down into the basement kitchens, with servants
scurrying around.
'I am never going to be a servant,' I said to myself, trying to lift my spirits. 'I
am Hetty Feather and I am not taking orders from anyone. I am as free as the air.
I can go anywhere. I can do anything. I can totally please myself.'
But my spirits still seeped right down into my hard boots, and I was snivelling
as I walked, unable to control myself. I was so tired and light-headed I sank to
the ground, leaning against someone's wall. I covered my face with my hands so
that folk passing by would not see I was crying. Then footsteps paused in front
of me. Something landed in my lap. Oh Lord, was this another child throwing
stones? I took my hands away from my eyes – and stared at a big bright penny
shining on the brown stuff of my dress. I looked up and a kindly-looking lady
nodded at me.
'There, dearie,' she said, and went on her way.
She thought I was a beggar child! My face flamed red – but my hand grasped
the penny.
'Thank you so much, ma'am,' I called after her.
Perhaps her gesture inspired the other passers-by. Maybe they hadn't even
noticed me before. But now my tear-stained face attracted attention, and another
penny soon landed in my lap, a farthing, and then a halfpenny, soon a whole
jingle of copper coins.
Oh my Lord, this was easy! I could sit here at my leisure and look mournful
and folk would pay me! But then I saw a dark-uniformed man in the distance, a
helmet on his head. I was pretty sure he was a policeman. I was also pretty sure
that begging was against the law.
I gathered my coins into my fist, scrambled up and ran off as fast as I could. I
careered down long, long roads of houses, my throat aching, my heart jumping
in my chest, not even daring to look round in case he caught me. I feared the
police had prisons and I did not want to end up in a cell.
Then I came to a parade of shops and dared to pause at last. The policeman
was nowhere in sight. I loitered in front of every shop window, and then came to
a stop outside a baker's shop. The smell of freshly baked bread brought a flood
a stop outside a baker's shop. The smell of freshly baked bread brought a flood
of water to my mouth and I felt faint.
I stared at the cakes and buns on display in the window. There were slabs of
the pink and yellow cake, Madame Adeline's favourite, and white-iced fancy
cakes, and red and green and yellow jam tarts, and all manner of golden latticed
pies and glazed buns, shiny and soft and curranty.
I had no idea how much such wonders would cost. They could be sixpence
each, even a sovereign for all I knew. Perhaps the woman in the white apron
inside the shop would scoff at my impertinence if I proffered my small handful
of coins. But I was so hungry I decided to risk it.
I opened the door and stepped inside. 'If you please, ma'am . . .' I started shyly.
'Yes?'
'I – I'd like to purchase a little cake – or maybe a bun?'
'Well, make your mind up, dear,' she said, but she didn't sound too impatient.
'Perhaps a cake, the pink and yellow one – and a bun?' I suggested, and then I
anxiously showed her my coins. 'Do I have enough money?'
'More than enough, dear.'
She put my cake and bun into a white paper bag, twirled it round so that the
corners were twisted fast, took twopence halfpenny from my hand, and gave the
bag to me.
'Thank you kindly, ma'am,' I said.
She laughed a little then. 'You've got the best manners of any street child I've
ever come across before!' she said. 'Goodbye, dear. Take care of yourself.'
I could take care of myself! I had found a place to sleep, a place to wash, I had
earned lots of money, and now I could breakfast like a queen! I ate my cake and
bun, and when I came to a tea stall I bought myself a large mugful for another
penny. Then I went marching on, refreshed and renewed, peering all about me.
I found myself wandering in more huge parkland. For a moment I thought I
was back in Hyde Park because I heard an elephant trumpeting – but I
discovered I was near the Zoological Gardens. I peered through the railings and
saw an elephant even larger than Elijah with a curved seat on his back. Ten or
twelve children were strapped onto the seat, while another boy rode bareback on
twelve children were strapped onto the seat, while another boy rode bareback on
his neck, his boots nudging the beast's great ears.
I had a desperate desire to ride an elephant too! I paid sixpence to get into the
zoo, and another twopence for a ride. This was the last of my money so I very
much hoped the ride would be worth it. I queued impatiently at the landing stage
amongst a great crowd of girls and boys, waiting until at last it was my turn to be
hoisted onto the great grey creature.
'I am very good at riding. Please may I sit on the elephant's neck?' I begged the
keeper.
'Don't be silly, missy – you're a young lady,' said the keeper, and he put one of
the boys on the elephant's neck.
The boy nodded at me triumphantly, pulling a silly face. Other boys shrieked
and squirmed beside me, jostling for the best position on the seat – but I was
adept at elbowing my way when I wanted. One of the other girls was hopelessly
squashed, however, with two rude boys practically sitting on top of her.
'Move next to me,' I said.
She smiled at me timidly. She was beautiful, just like a fairy-tale princess, with
big blue eyes, rosy cheeks and long golden curls. She wore a cream silk hat and
a matching silk dress, with white stockings and white kid boots with tiny blue
buttons.
'Come on, wriggle past those silly boys,' I said, reaching out and grabbing her.
She squeezed past them and I pulled her safely down next to me. I could feel
her trembling violently.
'What's the matter?' I asked in astonishment.
'I'm frightened!' she said.
I didn't know if she was frightened of the elephant, frightened of heights,
frightened of the rude boys, or simply frightened of getting her pretty pale
clothes dirty. I reached out and held her hand.
'There now, no need to be frightened. I will look after you,' I said. 'My name's
Hetty. What's yours?'
'I'm Rosabel,' she said.
'I'm Rosabel,' she said.
I sighed. Trust her to have a beautiful name too!
The elephant was fully loaded now, so the keeper gave him a little tap and we
set off, plodding down the path. The boys shrieked loudly and Rosabel clutched
me as if she would never let me go.
'Oh dear, it's so scary! I wish the beast wouldn't roll so,' she gasped. She
peered down desperately. 'I've lost sight of my mama and papa. Can you see
yours?'
I would have a hard job seeing either!
'I am here on my own,' I said proudly.
'Without even your nurse?' said Rosabel.
'I don't have a nurse any more,' I said. 'I am too big.'
'No you're not, you're little, much smaller than me,' said Rosabel. 'Oh, there is
Mama. I see her lilac parasol!' She risked letting go for a second, attempting a
little wave.
I stared at her mother. 'She is very young and beautiful,' I said wistfully.
Her papa was waving too. He looked a kindly, jolly man, with a pink face.
'Papa is pleased with me for taking the elephant ride. He feels I am too timid,'
said Rosabel. 'But Mama says all girls are naturally timid.'
'I'm a girl and I'm not the slightest bit timid,' I said.
'Perhaps we could be friends and then you could teach me how to be bold and
independent,' said Rosabel.
My heart leaped. Maybe Rosabel's family would take me under their wing? I
could be a devoted companion to their little daughter! They might even adopt me
like Polly. I wasn't sure I should be happy wearing cream silk dresses and fancy
hats and white boots. I knew how dirty they would be by the end of the day.
Maybe they would let me choose a darker colour for my clothes, red or blue or
purple – any colour so long as it wasn't sludge-brown. I didn't hunger after dolls
and toys but I was sure a cosseted child like Rosabel would have a whole shelf
of storybooks – and I could share them.
I was still eagerly picturing my future with Rosabel as the elephant plodded
back up the path to the landing stage. I kept hold of Rosabel's hand and helped
her down carefully.
'Rosabel! Over here, my dear!' both parents called.
I trotted over with her, but the mama suddenly looked horrified and even the
papa appeared grave.
'Say goodbye to the little girl, dearest,' said the mama, very firmly.
'She is my new friend Hetty,' said Rosabel.
'Don't be ridiculous, Rosabel. She is just a dirty street child. Leave go of her
hand. You should never have let her get so near to you!' said the mama.
The papa turned on me. 'Be off with you,' he said, swotting at me.
If they thought I was a street child, I would act like one. I stuck out my tongue
and waggled it hard before running away. My feelings were hurt nevertheless,
but I diverted myself by inspecting all the creatures in their cages: the
scampering monkeys, the pacing lions, the savage bear in his pit. I felt sorry for
all these poor caged animals. I wanted to set them free so that the monkeys could
snatch up all the flimsy parasols, the lions could leap at all the scornful parents
and the bear maul them to pieces.
I was starting to feel sorry for myself too, walking around alone in my hideous
brown frock and boots, while all the well-dressed families stared and sniggered
at me. Even the rude boys were here with mamas and papas, big happy families,
many of them picnicking on the grass. I stared at their checked tablecloths
spread with pork pies and whole chickens and egg-and-bacon tarts, and
wondered about darting in like a dog and snatching something. But then what
would the woman in the baker's shop say about my manners! I might be a beggar
now but I was not going to be a thief.
I sat myself down on the grass and looked mournful, hoping that strangers
would start flinging pennies at me again, but it seemed to be the wrong sort of
place. People had come to the Zoological Gardens to observe the animals, not a
small stray child. Folk passed me by without giving me a second glance.
I decided I'd have to move further afield if I wanted to earn enough for my
supper. Most of my generous donors had been gentlemen. I needed to get away
from this family environment. I figured that there would be more gentlemen in
from this family environment. I figured that there would be more gentlemen in
the centre of town, so I left the gardens, walked out of the park and continued on
my way.
I wandered back towards Oxford Street and Regent Street, my empty stomach
clamouring now, and both boots rubbing my feet sore and bloody. Finally I had
to stop and take my boots off altogether. I was sitting on the kerb airing my dirty
toes, my boots neatly beside me, stockings tucked inside, when two boys came
dashing up. One hollered something unintelligible right in my face. I shouted
back furiously. He punched me in the chest and I aimed a kick at him with my
bare foot. He pushed me hard so that I fell – and he and his friend scurried off. I
sat up gingerly, cursing them. I cursed even more when I went to put on my
boots again. They had vanished, stolen by the two scheming boys!
I cried a little then, because I knew how much I needed those boots even
though they hurt me. My genuine tears brought me a little consolation – two
more gentlemen gave me pennies – but when I got to my feet to look for another
baker's shop I realized I was in trouble. The pavements were hard, with sharp
stones, whereas my feet were soft and blistered raw. I could not walk far now.
I bought myself a meat pie from a street stall and wolfed it down, though the
meat was all fat and gristle and the pastry limp. I thought of Ida and her
delicious pies. She had been such a true friend to me yet I'd been so very unkind
to her. She would hate me now – if she ever thought of me. She'd have Sheila for
her pet. She'd give her tiny culinary treats and save up to buy her a special
Christmas present . . .
I felt miserably sick at the thought (or perhaps it was the meat pie). My bladder
was also bursting. I wandered up a dark alley off Regent Street to find
somewhere private so I could relieve myself. I found myself in a wide square
with a garden full of city men, smoking and larking and taking the air. There
were girls too, some ragged and barefoot like me, offering posies to the
gentlemen, begging them to buy their flowers. There were a couple of older girls
too, their lips painted carmine like Madame Adeline's, wearing lurid dresses and
showing a lot of petticoat. They kept approaching the gentlemen, seeming to be
begging too.
I hesitated, wondering if I should try too.
'Clear off, you, ginger nob. This is our patch!' one girl yelled at me.
Another girl gave me a hard push. 'You're too young! Give way for your elders
and betters!' she said, cackling with laughter.
These weren't girls I dared tangle with. They were bigger and rougher than the
street boys who had stolen my boots. There was a sharpness about their pinched,
painted faces that frightened me. I ran away, up another darker alley, then lifted
my skirts and used the gutter, jumping when a rat leaped out at me.
A girl and a gentleman came blundering down the alleyway, arm in arm,
whispering together. Their words made me feel sicker than ever. I dodged round
them and scurried back to the square, desperate to reach the wide public street
once more.
'Are you all right, little 'un?' said one of the flower-sellers, a softer-looking girl
in a shabby blue print dress, carrying a big basket of flowers.
'Yes, thank you, I am perfectly fine,' I said, though I knew I must look
wretched and tear-stained.
'You don't look fine. I wouldn't stay round here. It's not a good place for a little
girl like you,' she said. 'Here, do you want a posy?'
She picked out a tiny bunch of three rosebuds, their stems carefully wrapped
round with ribbon so that their thorns were covered.
'It's beautiful, but I'm afraid I have no pennies,' I said.
'I don't want no pennies! It's a gift to cheer you up,' she said.
'Thank you very much! You're very kind,' I said, sniffing the sweet roses.
'Off you hop,' she said. 'I wouldn't even loiter round here. Go straight home.
You're too little to be out on the streets.'
I nodded and smiled at her and turned on my way, comforted. I went back
down the alley towards Regent Street, but a gentleman stepped out of the
shadows right in front of me, making me jump. He was a very grand gentleman,
with a fine hat and coat and a fancy silver brocade waistcoat. He could surely
mean me no harm . . .
'Hello, my dear,' he said softly. 'What a lovely nosegay! May I buy it?'
'If you please, sir, it's not really for sale,' I said.
'No? But I will pay you a lot of money. A shilling? Two? Maybe half a
crown?'
I stared at him. He did not seem a foolish man at all, quite the opposite, so why
was he willing to pay a fortune for three little wilting roses? I wanted to keep
them for myself because the flower-seller was so kind to me – but I could feed
myself for days and days on half a crown.
He saw me hesitating. 'You're clearly very fond of your flowers, child. Never
mind, you keep them. I'll tell you what. I have a house nearby with a very pretty
garden. I will take you there and you can pick a whole armful of roses.'
'It's very kind of you, sir, but—'
'No buts, my dear. You must come with me. You're trembling! I had better find
you a soft shawl to keep you warm – and stockings and shoes for those poor
little bare feet. Oh dear, they do look sore.'
He bent down and stroked my feet, fondling my toes. I did not like this one jot
and stepped backwards, but he had hold of my ankle. I stumbled and he caught
me, lifting me right up in his arms.
'No, please! Put me down, sir!' I said, struggling, but his arms were strong and
his hand clamped over my mouth.
'Ssh now, little girl. No crying. You will be fine with me,' he said, walking
rapidly.
I tried to bite the hand over my mouth but he held me so tight I couldn't move
my teeth, I couldn't even draw breath to scream. But then something went bang
right on his head, someone kicked him hard between his legs, and he groaned
and dropped me. A hand snatched mine.
'Quick, run!'
I ran for my life, hanging onto her hand. It was my kind flower-seller! She had
hammered the man with her basket and then kicked him with swift expertise.
She tugged me up even darker alleys, and then pushed me into a shadowy
doorway. We flattened ourselves in the recess, listening hard – but could hear no
footsteps.
'There! I didn't think he'd follow us, but you never know,' she said. 'What was
you doing, going off with the likes of him? Couldn't you tell he was up to no
good?'
'Yes, but I didn't know how to get away.'
'Yell out and give them a good kicking, that's what you do. You don't want to
go near gentlemen like that.'
'It was so kind of you to rescue me – and you've dropped half your flowers!'
'We'll retrace our steps in a little while and see if we can find any. Don't you
worry. What's your name, little 'un?'
'Hetty Feather.'
'I'm Sissy, dear. I'm fourteen.' She said it as if she was quite grown up. She did
indeed look years older than the big girls at the hospital, with their prim frocks
and plaits. 'How old are you, Hetty?'
'Ten, nearly eleven.'
She didn't seem surprised. 'Our Lil's ten too. She's about your size, bless her.
She usually sells flowers along with me, but she's poorly just now. She's got a
way of looking all big-eyed so that the gentlemen melt.'
'Can I help you sell flowers today?'
Sissy looked me up and down. 'I don't see why not. You need someone to look
after you. There's gentlemen and gentlemen. You need to work out which is
which. Not that I can always tell.' She sniffed. 'Still, I might work on the street,
but I like to think me and Lil keep ourselves respectable. If ever I'm tempted
otherwise, I just think of Mother.'
'Is your mother . . .?' I hesitated delicately.
'She died two years ago, and the last baby died with her. She were wore out,
poor love.'
'Do you have a father?'
'Yes, we do, but we'd be better off without him,' Sissy said bitterly. 'What
about you, Hetty?'
I shook my head. 'I haven't got a father or a mother,' I said.
Sissy plucked at the stuff of my dress. 'So is this some kind of orphan
uniform?'
I felt I could trust her. 'I used to live at the Foundling Hospital, but I've run
away.'
'Ah!' said Sissy, nodding. 'Were they cruel to you there?'
'Ever so cruel,' I said firmly.
'Well, you stick with me, girl, and I'll learn you some tricks. Let's have a look
at you now.' She scrutinized me carefully, then wet her finger, rubbed it across
the grimy wall, and marked under my eyes with soot. 'That's better. If you look
really ill, the gentlemen will feel sorry for you. Can you look really sad, Hetty?'
'I'm brilliant at it,' I said, lowering my head and letting my mouth droop.
'Yes, you're a natural, almost as good as our Lil.'
'I can cry too if you like.'
'No, no, you'll smudge the soot and end up looking like a chimney sweep.
Right, my dear, let us see if we can gather up those posies.' She held my hand
tight. 'Don't worry about that gentleman, Hetty, or any others of that ilk. I'll be
looking out for you now.'
We found the spot where Sissy had valiantly attacked the vile foot-stroker, and
gathered up as many fallen flowers as we could, though some had already been
trampled underfoot.
'We'll soon sort them out,' said Sissy, kneeling down and arranging them
deftly. 'Lovely moss roses, these are, and gentlemen will pay a penny for a little
posy. They make a sweet little surprise for a lady, my posies do. That's how me
and our Lil do better than most of the other girls. We don't just sell flowers, we
make 'em look special. When we sell our violets in the spring, we bind them
with green leaves and a tiny piece of lace or ribbon. We beg them from this
milliner who used to know our mother. Then we make such a pretty nosegay,
some gentlemen might even pay threepence to show their ladies it's spring at
last.'
'How pretty,' I said, trying to copy Sissy, prinking the drooping little roses and
arranging them just so.
'That's right, Hetty, you're getting the hang of it already. Come with me then,
girl. We'll go down St Martin's way. The gentlemen won't pay so much but it's
safer there. Don't want no nasty men making off with you again, do we, Hetty?'
I trotted along beside Sissy and sat with her on the steps of a great church by a
huge square with fountains and vast lion statues. It was so crowded I wondered
if the Queen was returning on another Jubilee procession, but Sissy said it was
simply folk coming out to go to the theatre and the halls. Most of them ignored
us, though I looked extra mournful and Sissy accosted them energetically.
'Come on, sir, buy a lovely posy for the missus. Beautiful moss roses freshly
picked! Make a girl happy, sir. Only tuppence – what a bargain!'
It was a novelty at first and I enjoyed myself, but then it started raining and
everyone hurried by under umbrellas, not even glancing in our direction. I hoped
Sissy might give up, but she sorted the few coins in her pocket anxiously and
said we had to stay.
'We need at least another shilling, Hetty, hopefully twice that,' she said
worriedly.
'But you could buy a big meat pie and buns for you and your Lil with the
money you've got,' I said, hoping she'd share a few pennies with me too.
'Bless you, Hetty, it's not just a question of money for our food. I have to make
the wherewithal tonight to buy fresh flowers from the market in the morning –
these will all be withered by then. And then there's Father to consider. He'll start
fretting for his drinking money. If I don't get home with enough for his beer, he'll
take it out on me and our Lil.' She took a deep breath. 'Maybe I'd be better going
back to where I was. I reckon I could earn a couple of quick sixpences there.
You could stay here, Hetty, and I'll come and collect you, I promise.'
I wasn't quite sure what she meant, but I clung to her nevertheless. 'No, Sissy,
stay. We'll get the money here.' I cast my eyes around. I was used to weighing up
the hospital visitors on Sunday, working out who might be generous with sweets.
I saw a portly middle-aged couple and took a chance.
I snatched a posy and ran up to them in the pouring rain. 'Oh please, ma'am,
sir, would you care to buy one of my pretty posies?'
They seemed taken aback.
'What are you doing in the rain, child? And barefoot too! Why don't you run
'What are you doing in the rain, child? And barefoot too! Why don't you run
along home?' said the lady.
'Oh, I daren't, ma'am, for my father will beat me viciously if I don't take him
money for his drink. And then there's our Lil too, she's poorly.' I decided to
embellish things a little. 'And then there's my sister Sheila, she's got the smallpox
and is hideously disfigured, and my sister Monica, who's been kicked by a horse
and is very dim-witted now.' I started going through half the dormitory at the
hospital, inventing ailments and misfortunes galore. I took care to keep my tone
tragic and my face a mask of mournfulness – but to my astonishment the lady
and gentleman started laughing.
'Be off with you, you naughty minx. You should not tell such stories!' said the
lady.
'Yes, it's very bad of you to try and con us – but here's a little something for
your cheek,' said the gentleman. He fished in his pocket and handed me a couple
of coins.
'Oh thank you kindly, sir,' I said, bobbing him a curtsy.
I thought he'd handed me a couple of pennies, but when I opened my fist I saw
it was two shillings!
'Oh, Hetty, you're a marvel!' said Sissy, giving me a hug. 'There, you've
brought us luck! We can indeed go home now.'
I stood still. 'But . . . I have no home,' I said.
'You come along with me,' said Sissy. 'You can stay with Lil and me for now.'
'Won't your father mind?' I asked anxiously.
'So long as he's got enough to drink he don't mind anything,' said Sissy. 'Come
on, little Hetty. Come home and meet our Lil. She'll take a shine to you, I'm
sure.'
20
Sissy led me through a maze of dark alleyways to her home. They were so dark
that I kept stumbling on the uneven cobblestones, and when I tried walking in
the gutter I stepped in something unspeakable in my bare feet. I hoped I might be
able to have a proper wash at Sissy's house – but when we got there at last, it
came as a rude shock.
I was not a fool. I knew Sissy was very poor. I hadn't pictured her in a palace.
I'd thought she would live in a very modest house, rather like the country cottage
where I'd lived with my foster family.
But Sissy's family didn't have their own house. They had one room in a large,
bleak, five-storey tenement building, the bricks black with grime, the window
glass mostly missing, the roof partly collapsed.
I stared up at it in horror. 'Is it falling down?' I asked.
'It soon will. It's been condemned a while now so the rent's cheap. Do you
want to pee first? We're up four flights of stairs, so it's a good idea to go now if
you want to.'
There was no proper privy, just a stinking hole in a tumbledown shed in the
back yard. Judging from the smell and the slime on the walls, folk simply tipped
their chamber pots out of the window. There was a tap over a drain. Sissy turned
it on for me so I could sluice my feet – but only a dribble of water came out.
'That tap's no use. Never mind,' said Sissy. 'I'll go up to the pump at the end of
the street later on and bring a jug back.'
There were cockroaches crawling along the dark corridor of the fourth floor.
Sissy stamped on them with her boots, while I walked on tiptoe, agonized. She
opened the door of the room right at the end. It was very dark, but I could see it
was pitifully small and barely furnished. There were two thin mattresses on the
floor, and a rickety chair and a stool. Someone had hung sacking curtains at the
floor, and a rickety chair and a stool. Someone had hung sacking curtains at the
narrow window and worked a rag rug for the floor, but these were the only
homely touches. A big slovenly man sprawled on one mattress while a little girl
huddled on the other, coughing and coughing.
'Lil? Oh, dearie, ssh now. Here, darling, take a drink,' said Sissy, hurrying to
her side.
She helped Lil sit up and held an old tin cup to her lips. 'There now, my lovey,
this will help,' she said.
'Cough, cough, cough! It drives me mad,' said the father, scratching his head.
'She only does it to annoy, I'm sure. A man can't even have a little nap for that
cough, cough, cough. Clear your throat, Lil, and then shut up.'
He rubbed his eyes and then blinked at me. 'Who's this? Clear off out of here,
this ain't your room!'
'Hush, Father, this is my new little friend Hetty. She's brought me luck. She's a
dab hand at flower-selling, almost as good as our Lil. Look what she's earned for
us!' She held out one of the silver shillings.
He snatched it, bit it hard and then shoved it in his pocket. 'Well, I'll be off for
a little constitutional,' he said, not giving me a second glance now. 'I'll just
stretch my legs and maybe take a drink to ease my parched throat. I'll be back
within the hour.'
He stuck his feet in his old broken boots, clapped a greasy bowler hat on his
tousled hair and made his way over to the door.
'Within the hour!' Sissy muttered. 'We won't see him till midnight – and good
riddance. There now, Lil, take another sip, that's my good girl. Give Hetty a
smile, dearie, and show her that someone in our family has good manners.'
Lil tried valiantly to master her cough. She was a tiny scrap of a girl, her eyes
very large in her peaky face. Her hair was limp and bedraggled, but tied up
jauntily with a bright red ribbon, which sadly emphasized her eerie pallor. Her
eyes popped as she coughed, her whole face contorting alarmingly – but as soon
as she could draw breath she grinned at me.
'Hello, Hetty! Oh my Lord, look at your red hair! That's a queer dress – do you
like it? How old are you? Do you have a mother? How much did you get for one
posy? I got threepence one day 'cos the gentleman took a shine to me!'
posy? I got threepence one day 'cos the gentleman took a shine to me!'
'Now, Lil, give Hetty a chance to answer!' said Sissy, laughing. 'She don't see
many folk now, Hetty, so that's why she's so excited to see you. You have a little
chat with her while I run out for more water and some supper.' She jingled the
coins in her pocket. 'We'll have a treat tonight, girls!'
I sat on the edge of Lil's mattress and let her question me relentlessly. I told her
all about the Golden Jubilee, and Madame Adeline at the circus, and my night on
Hampstead Heath, and the Zoological Gardens, and the horrid gentleman who
seized me before Sissy rescued me.
Lil listened, wide-eyed. 'Dear Sissy! She's always looked out for me and she'll
look out for you too, Hetty,' she said. 'When I die, perhaps you can be a comfort
to her.'
Her words came as a total shock. I blinked at her anxiously, not knowing what
to say. 'I'm sure you'll get better, Lil,' I mumbled.
'No, no, I'm coughing blood. That means you're dying. Can't fool me!' said Lil.
'I'll miss Sissy so when I'm dead.'
'And she will miss you too, Lil, terribly. But at least you'll be with your mother
then,' I said, trying to be comforting.
'I'll be with Mother?' Lil echoed. 'Oh, I should like that very much! Are you
sure, Hetty?'
'Certain,' I said, trying to sound convincing. 'Your mother is up in Heaven, and
when you die you will be an angel with her.'
'An angel with wings? Will I be able to fly?' Lil asked.
'Oh yes, you'll have great white feathery wings and be able to fly all over
Heaven. Sometimes you might swoop down to earth and see Sissy and make
sure she's all right,' I said, warming to this theme.
'Oh, I'd love that! Will she be able to see me or are angels invisible?'
'She might just catch a glimpse of you, or hear you whispering her name,' I
said.
I'd never glimpsed my brother Saul or heard him calling me – but I had
sometimes felt a poke in my ribs, as if he'd prodded me with his old crutch.
Lil spread her arms and flapped them like wings, but the effort made her start
coughing again.
'Oh, Lil, don't cough so,' I begged, frightened that she might die then and there
in front of me.
I tried to give her the murky water in her cup, but she just choked and
spluttered. I patted her helplessly on her back, feeling her sharp little shoulder
blades under the thin stuff of her nightgown – almost as if she was already
sprouting small wings.
'There now,' said Sissy, bursting into the room, bringing with her a warm
savoury smell. 'Oh dear, Lil! Here's some fresh water. Clever girl, Hetty, it helps
to rub her back. Now, Lil, see what a feast I've got – and some more of that nice
medicine. Oh, how it will soothe your poor chest. We're going to get you better
and running about in no time.'
It was clear that Sissy wouldn't have any truck with talk of dying and angels.
She held the medicine bottle to Lil's lips and made her swig a mouthful between
coughs – and it did seem to help a little. Then Sissy unwrapped a waxed-paper
parcel to show us three large potatoes and a quantity of fried onions. We seized a
potato each and munched ravenously.
They tasted very good, though they were not quite the great treat I had
expected.
'What did they feed you at this hospital place, bread and water?' asked Sissy.
'Yes, they did give me bread and water,' I said, remembering my night in the
punishment attic.
'Was they really cruel to you, Hetty?' asked Lil.
'Really, really cruel,' I said.
'Did they beat you with a big stick?'
'Well . . . they had whips,' I said.
'Whips!' said Lil, her eyes round. 'Did they whip you till you bled?'
'They were always threatening to whip me,' I said. It sounded a little lame.
'They once locked me up in a little attic room all day and all night, and that was
far worse than being whipped. Imagine, Lil, being shut up in a tiny room, a total
prisoner . . .' My voice trailed away, because Lil could imagine it all too well.
'Did they go out and get sodden drunk and then come back and beat you in a
fearsome rage?' asked Lil.
I pictured Matron Bottomly and Matron Peters glugging from a gin bottle. It
was such a bizarre idea I couldn't help laughing – and dear Lil laughed too.
'No, they didn't drink, but they frequently got into fearsome rages, especially
with me.'
'Did they all hate you, Hetty?'
'Yes! Well, both matrons did. Some of the nurses were all right. Nurse Winnie
was very kind, but the teachers were very cruel. Miss Morley once beat my
friend Polly with a ruler and I snatched it away and beat her back,' I said, getting
a little carried away.
'You had teachers?' said Sissy. 'Did they learn you to read and write, Hetty?
Could you teach our Lil? She's very bright, I know she is. If she could only read,
it would pass the day for her.'
They had no books or paper but I improvised, 'writing' on the bare floorboards
with a sooty stick. Sissy squashed up beside us on the mattress. I taught them a
and b and c, making them sound out each letter. When Lil succeeded in spelling
out cab, we clapped her. She got so excited she jumped about, and that started
her coughing again, very badly this time, as if she would never stop. Sissy held
her close and gently laid her down when she stopped at last.
'There now, my little Lil. No more excitement for today. You go to sleep,
dearie. You should try and sleep too, Hetty.'
I lay down beside Lil on the mattress, fully clothed. I had no nightgown and I
could not take off my frock as I would reveal I had no underwear.
'Have you read lots of books, Hetty?' said Sissy. 'How about telling Lil one of
the stories to help her get off to sleep?'
'Once upon a time there was a very little girl no bigger than my thumb,' I
started. 'She was so tiny she curled up every night in a walnut shell . . .'
We all curled up too and went sound asleep until the girls' father came
stumbling into the dark room. I felt Sissy tense and Lil gave a little frightened
stumbling into the dark room. I felt Sissy tense and Lil gave a little frightened
whimper as he staggered over to our mattress. He bent over us, smelling horribly
of beer.
'All tucked up like birds in a nest,' he mumbled, slurring his words.
'Goodnight, my chicks. Cheep-cheep!' He laughed at his own joke and then
crawled on his hands and knees to his own mattress. He fell on top of it and was
snoring heavily in seconds.
'Thank the Lord he's happy-drunk rather than roaring for a fight,' Sissy
whispered. 'We never know how it will take him.'
'Does he get drunk every night?' I said.
'If he has the money. He's been so much worse since Mother died,' said Sissy.
She sounded much younger now – and despairing. 'He used to work at the docks,
but he can't hold down a job, the state he's in. I have to earn to keep us all. I
never make quite enough.'
'I'll help you, Sissy. I'll look proper mournful tomorrow and we'll make a
fortune, you'll see,' I said.
Sissy got up before dawn, moving slowly and softly so as not to wake Lil.
'Sissy?' I whispered.
'I'm off to market to buy my flowers,' she murmured.
'I'll come with you,' I said, though I was dizzy from lack of sleep.
I was already dressed and I seemed to have given up on washing, so I was
ready in an instant. It was raining, which made my lack of boots particularly
uncomfortable. My feet were numb from walking across the slippery
cobblestones. It was a struggle keeping up with Sissy.
We walked to the huge market at Covent Garden, abuzz with activity though it
was still dark. Even though I was exhausted, I paused to marvel at all the wagon-
loads of peas and potatoes, the barrows and carts piled high with tomatoes and
lettuces, the great baskets scarlet with cherries and strawberries.
There were people fresh from the country, tall men in smocks like Father,
round red-faced women like Mother, reminding me painfully of long-ago times.
round red-faced women like Mother, reminding me painfully of long-ago times.
Sissy tapped me gently and we walked on to the flower market. Again I was
dazzled, my eyes stinging with the shock of such bright colours, sunny yellow
asters, hot orange pokers, fat pink peonies, blue and deep-purple lupins, my nose
wrinkling with the overpowering smell of roses and great white lilies.
Sissy sprang into action, bargaining with last night's money until she had a
huge basketful of flowers. Then we sat beneath the big arcade, fashioning the
flowers into bright bouquets and tiny posies. I tried to help her, though I still felt
light-headed and my hands were clumsy. When at last we were done, she spent
her last penny at the coffee stall, sharing the hot drink with me. We had no more
money for buns or rolls, but Sissy kept a sharp eye on the floor of the fruit
market and snatched up a discarded withered apple and a bruised pear, providing
us with a meagre breakfast.
We went to the steps of St Martin's, but another older flower-seller was there
already, and she wouldn't let us stay too. Sissy tried Charing Cross Station, but
again we were too late. We had to go to the square off Regent Street, though
Sissy made me sit close beside her, and whenever any weird-seeming gentleman
paused, she put her arm round me protectively. There weren't too many
gentlemen, weird or otherwise, because the rain was relentless. I wasn't really
cold because it was summer, but I felt chilled right to the bone, and by afternoon
my stomach was rumbling pathetically.
'Aren't you hungry, Sissy?' I asked.
'I'm always hungry,' she said. 'But you get used to it.'
I wasn't sure I would ever get used to this. Selling flowers had been a novelty
yesterday, but now it was so tiring and tedious.
'Buy my sweet flowers, sir. A posy for your lady, only a penny. Go on, sir,
there's a gent,' I'd gabble, but nearly always they walked straight past, ignoring
me. I didn't have to rub soot under my eyes or adopt a mournful expression – I
am sure I looked genuinely ill and exhausted.
'Please, oh, please buy my flowers,' I begged, but I could have been a sparrow
cheeping for all the attention I attracted. Then a plain lady in charcoal grey
paused nearby. She watched while Sissy and I accosted each passing gentleman.
I wondered why she was lingering. Did she want a nosegay to brighten her
severe outfit? I smiled in her direction.
'Would you care to buy a posy, ma'am?' I asked.
She shook her head and I drooped a little more.
'Are you a regular flower-seller, child? I do not recollect seeing you here
before.' She was looking at me strangely. 'What are you doing here?'
'She's with me, missus. She's all right,' said Sissy protectively.
'She looks a little tired,' said the lady.
'I am, ma'am,' I said. 'If you buy some flowers, we will be able to buy a bite to
eat. We have had no breakfast today, nor dinner.'
'Are you both very hungry?' she said. 'I have an idea. Perhaps you would like
to accompany me to a nearby teashop?'
My heart jumped. A teashop! Oh, how I longed for a cup of tea and a bite to
eat! But Sissy was looking dubious.
'We ain't got the wherewithal to go in no teashop,' she said.
'I will happily pay for you,' said the lady.
'Oh, Sissy, please, do say yes!' I begged.
She still seemed reluctant. 'What's the catch, eh?' she asked.
The lady smiled. 'Yes, you're right, Sissy, there is a catch. I would like to ask
you a few questions.'
'What about?' Sissy looked alarmed. 'Look, missus, we bought our flowers fair
and square from Covent Garden Market. I've got a regular pitch. We don't get no
hassle from no one, not even the police. We're totally honest and respectable. We
never go off with no gentlemen.'
'I'm sure you're right. I'm not here on any official business, I promise you. I'll
be frank. I'm a writer. My books are published by the Religious Tract Society.
They are stories of street children very much like you.'
'What's your name then?'
'Sarah Smith.'
Sissy looked at me. 'You read books, Hetty. Have you ever heard of her?'
The only children's writers I knew of were Mr Andersen and the two Mr
Grimms. I'd had no idea that ladies could write storybooks. I looked at Sarah
Smith with great interest. She was staring back at me.
'So you can read, Hetty?' she said. 'Who taught you?'
Ah. I had to be a little careful now. I could not breathe a word about the
hospital or she'd act like Madame Adeline, and want to take me straight back.
'My brother Jem taught me, ma'am,' I said, truthfully enough.
'And where is he now?'
'I lost him long ago,' I said sadly.
'So what is your name, child?'
'Hetty Feather, ma'am.'
She nodded as if she approved of my name. 'Then do please come with me,
Hetty. And you too, Sissy. I simply wish to ask you a few questions to use as
background for a new story of mine. I'm thinking of calling it A Penny for a
Posy. Do you like the title? It will be all about little flower-sellers like you.'
'Could you put us in your story, ma'am?' I asked excitedly. 'Could you use our
names? Oh, I should so like to be in a real storybook.'
'I don't want my name in no storybook,' said Sissy.
She made it clear she was only accompanying me on sufferance. We made our
way out to the busy thoroughfare of Regent Street. I thought we would go to a
humble teashop full of working folk, but Miss Smith made for the door of a
grand restaurant, all great glass windows and gilt decoration.
'We can't go in there. We'll get chased away,' said Sissy. 'It's much too grand
for the likes of us.'
Certainly the waiter at the door was looking us up and down and glaring. Sissy
was neat enough in her print dress, but her hair was straggly and she wore men's
boots with their soles flapping. I looked even worse by now, my hair a-tangle,
my brown dress dirty and crumpled, my bare feet filthy.
'We are too shabby, miss,' I said.
'Nonsense,' said Miss Smith, taking our hands. She led us into the restaurant,
'Nonsense,' said Miss Smith, taking our hands. She led us into the restaurant,
giving the waiter haughty directions. 'We would like a table for three, please.
Could we have the menu brought straight away? My companions are very
hungry.'
The waiter bowed reluctantly and ushered us to a table right in the corner. He
held the chair out for Miss Smith and then hesitated. Miss Smith coughed
reprovingly. The waiter sat Sissy and me down too, though he grimaced, as if
he'd been asked to seat two monkeys at the zoo.
He made a particular to-do over Sissy's flower basket, trying to take it from
her. Sissy hung onto it determinedly.
'I'll put these in the cloakroom for you, miss,' he said.
'No, you don't! I want them where I can see them. Anyone could help
themselves in the cloakroom,' said Sissy.
'Yes, that basket will be fine at our feet, under the table. The flowers smell
heavenly,' said Miss Smith.
The waiter did as he was told, though he raised his eyebrows and sighed. Sissy
jutted her chin out and glared back at him, but she was biting her lip and fiddling
with a lock of her lank hair. She stared at the gleaming knives and forks on the
white tablecloth before us, clearly unused to copious cutlery.
The waiter handed us three large menus. Sissy stared at hers, blinking rapidly.
'What would you like?' said Miss Smith. 'You can have anything on the menu.
What's your favourite food, Sissy?'
Sissy shrugged her shoulders, seeming ungracious because she simply did not
know what to say. I glanced down the long list of items, utterly astonished at the
choice. I'd had no idea you could select whatever you wanted in a restaurant. I
would have liked to linger over my choices, picturing each dish, but I knew I had
to help Sissy as tactfully as possible. The words on the menu were just elegant
squiggles to her.
'If you please, I would like the steak-and-kidney pudding,' I said. 'Would you
like that too, Sissy?'
Sissy nodded dumbly.
Miss Smith summoned the waiter back and ordered two meat puddings for us,
Miss Smith summoned the waiter back and ordered two meat puddings for us,
and a little fish for herself. Then she poured us a glass of water each from a
crystal carafe. Sissy and I drank thirstily while Miss Smith sipped. She started
asking Sissy questions, perhaps trying to put her at her ease.
'How long have you been selling flowers, Sissy?'
'Since I was little.'
'And what do you do in winter, when fresh flowers are in short supply?'
'Sell oranges.'
'Is your mother a flower-seller too?'
'No, miss, she sewed stuff.'
'What sort of a seamstress was she?'
'I dunno.'
'And what about your father?'
Sissy sniffed, not bothering to reply. Miss Smith persisted gently, but Sissy's
answers became more and more monosyllabic.
Then our dinners arrived and all our attention was taken by the steak-and-
kidney pudding, a great soft suet mound stuffed with choice meat and oozing
with gravy. There were potatoes too, and carrots and peas, a big plateful.
I waited cautiously in case Miss Smith wanted to say grace, but Sissy simply
sat, stunned.
'You may begin, girls,' said Miss Smith.
I picked up my knife and fork and Sissy copied me, though she held the knife
in her left hand and the fork in her right. I did not like to tell her in case I
embarrassed her. She struggled with her cutlery but still managed to eat with
gusto. I was surprised to see the inroads she'd made on her pudding almost
immediately. Then I realized she'd transferred half of it to the napkin on her lap.
I guessed she wanted to take it home for Lil. I hoped it wouldn't ooze gravy too
soggily.
'Now, Hetty, it's your turn to sing for your supper,' said Miss Smith. 'Tell me
about your life. How did you come to be a flower-seller? What did you do before
about your life. How did you come to be a flower-seller? What did you do before
that? Start right from the beginning.'
Sissy looked anxious, but I smiled serenely. I felt Miss Smith had been short-
changed by Sissy, who hadn't provided her with any telling details for her Penny
for a Posy story. I decided to do my best. I could not tell the truth of course, and
relate my own story. I could picture a much more colourful tale.
'I was born in the country, but my dear mother died when I was born,' I began.
'Father went to pieces and started drinking. It wasn't so bad when he came home
merry, but he could get into fearsome tempers sometimes and we all trembled in
our beds.'
Sissy stared at me, astonished that I was appropriating her father. I carried on
determinedly, picturing for all I was worth, inventing a cruel stepmother who
sent me off to work in a loathsome factory when I was only eight, and a grasping
landlord who cast us out into the streets. I told of two evil women, Miss Peters
and Miss Bottomly, gin-soaked old harridans, who harassed us most dreadfully.
To give my story a little variety I had a magical episode when I joined a circus
and performed nightly in a magnificent equestrian act.
I continued this alternative life history throughout my steak-and-kidney
pudding, and talked non-stop through a plum tart and custard, and then a cup of
real coffee and a little dish of chocolates.
Sissy stayed silent and open-mouthed, only fidgeting when I told Miss Smith
the prices of flowers and my favourite Covent Garden supplier, because I was
clearly getting a few of my facts wrong. I was not deterred, however. So long as
I spoke fluently, filling in many little details, I was absolutely certain I was
convincing.
Miss Smith seemed to think so anyway. She took copious notes in her black
notebook.
'There!' I said eventually, feeling that I had certainly earned our splendid
dinner. 'Will you put some of my story in your book, Miss Smith?'
'I am very tempted,' she said, closing her notebook and smiling at me.
'However, I think you should write your story, Hetty. You are far more inventive
than I am. I rather suspect your story is pure fiction from beginning to end, but
twice as interesting for that very reason.'
I blinked at her. 'What – what do you mean?' I said.
I blinked at her. 'What – what do you mean?' I said.
'She means she knows you're telling whopping great lies, Hetty,' said Sissy,
standing up. She had her napkin of suet pudding carefully tucked under her
shawl. She reached for her flower basket. 'Come on, little 'un. Time to scarper.'
'No, wait, Sissy! I haven't paid you for your time,' said Miss Smith. She
fumbled in her reticule and brought out two silver half-crowns and a little card.
'This card has my name and an address on it. It is an office off The Strand
where we are setting up a rescue society for young girls on the street. If you
show anyone the address, they will be able to direct you there. You will always
be sure of a warm welcome – and if you ever find yourself in need of new
accommodation or an alternative occupation, we will do our best to help you.
Now off you go, my dear. Thank you so very much for taking care of Hetty, but
she is in my charge now. I will take her back to the Foundling Hospital.'
I stared at her. How did she know? I hadn't breathed a word to her about the
hospital. I looked at Sissy. 'You didn't tell her, did you?'
'Of course I didn't,' said Sissy. She looked at Miss Smith. 'She can't go back
there, miss. They're dreadful cruel to her there – they whip her and lock her up in
attics.'
'Do they, Hetty?' said Miss Smith. 'Answer truthfully now.'
'They will quite definitely lock me up if you take me back there now!' I said.
'We will see about that,' said Miss Smith. 'Don't worry about Hetty, Sissy. I
promise I will make sure she's all right. You have clearly been very kind to her
and looked after her well, but I don't think she could survive on the streets
without you.'
'I'll say!' said Sissy. She pocketed Miss Smith's coins, eyes gleaming at the
thought of what they could buy in the way of treats for Lil.
'Take the card too, please. And do not hesitate to use it,' said Miss Smith.
'Thank you kindly, miss.' Sissy took the card and then lugged her flower basket
off the floor. 'Have a posy, do. And you truly won't be too hard on Hetty? She
was only romancing. She tells lovely stories – she can't seem to help it.'
She handed Miss Smith her biggest bunch of roses, gave me a quick peck on
the cheek, and then lumbered out of the restaurant with her basket, taking care to
the cheek, and then lumbered out of the restaurant with her basket, taking care to
bump into the supercilious waiter on her way out.
I could not bear to see her go. I got up to run after her, but Miss Smith had
hold of me.
'No, Hetty.'
I started crying. 'Poor Sissy truly does have a dreadful father, and they don't
have enough food, and there's a little sister, Lil, but she is very ill and I think she
is dying,' I wept. 'I swear I'm not picturing now, Miss Smith.'
'I know. Sissy seems a brave, resilient girl, but she certainly has a very hard
life. But tell me, Hetty, do you really want that life for yourself? You know you
don't belong on the streets.'
'Perhaps that's true – but I don't want to belong to the hospital,' I said. 'I still
don't understand how you knew I came from there.'
'Your distinctive name has been on many people's lips since your
disappearance on the trip to Hyde Park. You have even been mentioned in the
newspapers,' said Miss Smith.
'Really!' I said, rather thrilled. 'But how did you know I was Hetty the
foundling when you saw me selling flowers?'
'Oh, come now! The foundling uniform is very distinctive, even without your
cap and tippet. And, oh dear, what happened to your boots?'
'Two horrid boys stole them.'
'There, you see, you're not safe to be on the streets. You need to be properly
cared for in the hospital.'
'They don't care for me there,' I sniffed. 'You don't know what it's like, Miss
Smith.'
'Yes I do. At least, I have an outsider's view. I used to visit on Sundays with
my brother, Peter, though I always felt uncomfortable staring at all of you while
you ate your Sunday dinners.'
I stared at her: her pale, serious face, her plain charcoal-grey dress. I
remembered Harriet's beloved, the man with the tie-pin in the shape of a P . . .
'Oh, I remember you now!'
'Oh, I remember you now!'
'Yes, and I remember you, the cross little red-haired girl with the big friend
who fluttered her eyelashes at my foolish fop of a brother,' said Miss Smith,
laughing. 'Don't look abashed, Hetty. I think you had every right to be sulky in
those particular circumstances. But I am concerned that you hate the hospital so.
I have recently been invited onto the board of governors because of my rescue
work with children and my books for the Religious Tract society. I thought the
Foundling Hospital an excellent institution in most respects. The children all
seem well-nourished and healthy, their food is fresh and simple, and I'm
particularly impressed that everyone receives a decent education and proper
training.'
'But all the girls are trained to be servants,' I said.
'There is nothing wrong with being a skilled servant, Hetty,' said Miss Smith,
shaking her head at me.
I sniffed again, lolling back in my chair. 'You wouldn't care to be a servant,
Miss Smith,' I said impatiently.
'I agree I would sooner be a writer,' she said. 'But I wasn't joking when I said
that you could be a writer too, Hetty Feather. You have a very vivid imagination
and a gift with words. Your invented life history was immensely entertaining.'
'But you didn't believe me.'
'I think if your story was down on paper, you might write with true conviction.'
'Do you think I could really have one of my stories published in a book?'
'Not yet a while. I can't quite promise you that, Hetty. We will have to see.
You will have to work hard, practising your art. Try writing for at least half an
hour each day. I can promise I will keep in touch with you and do my best to
help you.'
'But I have to go back to the hospital?'
'You do indeed.'
'Matron Bottomly will be so very angry with me,' I said.
'I dare say – but I will do my best to protect you.' Miss Smith gave me a most
unladylike wink. 'I am a governor now, Hetty. Your Matron Bottomly has to
unladylike wink. 'I am a governor now, Hetty. Your Matron Bottomly has to
answer to me.'
Miss Smith gave the money for our sumptuous meal to the waiter, who had
been hovering for quite a while. I saw how much money it was.
'My goodness, writers must earn a great deal, Miss Smith!' I said with keen
interest.
'Do not get too excited, Hetty. Many writers earn a pittance, or cannot sell their
work at all. You might well have to earn your keep as a servant while you hone
your craft.'
'I shall start honing for all I am worth,' I said. 'If Ida is still talking to me, I
shall beg her for a whole stack of kitchen paper and start writing my story
straight away.'
'Ida?'
'She works in the kitchen and has been my dear friend ever since I arrived at
the hospital. But I have not been a dear friend to her. I don't think she will like
me any more now.'
'I am sure she will, Hetty, but just in case, it might be prudent to make a little
purchase before we take you back to the hospital,' said Miss Smith.
She took me by the hand and let me up Regent Street and along a little arcade.
She stopped outside a stationer's shop. There were wondrous marbled notebooks
in the window, patterned with swirling combinations of colour, some sky-blue
and purple and pearly pink; some silver and emerald and jade; some scarlet and
vivid orange and gold.
'Oh!' I exclaimed, looking at them in awe. I ran my finger over the glass
window, following the flow of the design. 'I know the pattern is abstract, but
does that swirling shape remind you of anything?'
'It looks like feathers, Hetty,' said Miss Smith. 'How felicitous! You must
select one of the notebooks – and perhaps you need a pen?'
'I have an excellent quill pen given to me by my long-lost friend, Polly. Oh,
Miss Smith, might I have my very own bottle of ink?' I asked.
We went inside the stationer's and I deliberated deliciously over each and
every notebook. Perhaps the purple was the prettiest, the shades of green the
every notebook. Perhaps the purple was the prettiest, the shades of green the
most pleasing to the eye – but I chose the notebook with scarlet and orange
swirls picked out in gold, because it was as bright as the hair on my head.
The stationer parcelled it up in a special canvas satchel, with a bottle of black
ink in its own little leather pouch for safe-keeping. Miss Smith and I had only
been acquainted for a matter of hours, but I threw my arms about her and kissed
her pale cheek.
She hailed a hansom cab and asked the driver to take us to the Foundling
Hospital. I clutched my wondrous present and tried to feel brave – but when we
drew up outside the great gates of the hospital, I was trembling.
'Courage, Hetty,' said Miss Smith.
The gatekeeper boggled as we climbed out of the cab. 'Oh my Lord, it's the
missing child!' he exclaimed.
'Indeed it is,' said Miss Smith. 'Come along, Hetty dear. Let us seek out Matron
Bottomly and tell her your sad tale. Now, Hetty, quick, give me a very brief and
truthful resumé of the last two days.'
I told her about going to see the wrong circus in Hyde Park, and my omnibus
journey to Hampstead Heath, and my encounter with Madame Adeline, and my
night under the bush, and my begging in the street, and my ride on the elephant
in the Zoological Gardens, and my alarming encounter with the weird
gentleman, and my rescue by dear Sissy and subsequent night in her room in the
condemned house. I kept it utterly concise, with no picturing whatsoever, but we
had to take three turns of the grounds before my tale was fully told.
'My goodness, Hetty, you've certainly had your fair share of adventures. My
poor fictional heroines lead very dull lives by comparison!' said Miss Smith.
'Matron Bottomly will be so angry. She will lock me up in the punishment attic
for a week,' I said fearfully.
'Wait and see, child,' said Miss Smith. 'Come now, let us confront her.'
We went in through the girls' entrance. The infant foundlings were all filing off
to the privies after their darning session. They stopped and stared at me,
clutching each other.
'Oh, wonders!' Nurse Winnie cried, dashing up to us. 'It's Hetty Feather back
from the dead! Oh, Hetty, God be praised, you're safe!' She seized hold of me
from the dead! Oh, Hetty, God be praised, you're safe!' She seized hold of me
and whirled me round, then gave me a kiss on both cheeks.
'There, Hetty! Now tell me, is she one of the cruel nurses who beat you?' said
Miss Smith as we proceeded along the corridor towards Matron Bottomly's
room.
'Nurse Winnie is a darling,' I admitted. 'But wait till you meet Matron. She will
not be thankful I am back from the dead. She will very likely wish me dead. And
buried. And burning to a crisp in H-e-l-l.'
Miss Smith knocked on Matron Bottomly's door and pulled me inside. Matron
Bottomly's head jerked up at the sight of me. Her mouth opened comically. She
took in my ragged, unkempt state, my missing cap and tippet and apron, my
filthy bare feet. She took a deep breath.
'Hetty Feather!' she said. 'I knew you would be the child to bring disgrace to the
Foundling Hospital! If you only knew the trouble you've caused! We have never
had a child run away before.'
'Oh no, you are very much mistaken!' said Miss Smith quickly. 'Do let me
introduce myself, Matron. I am Sarah Smith, newly elected to your board of
governors – and very happily I rescued Hetty myself. She did not run away, I
assure you. She was captured by a band of brigands at the funfair at Hyde Park.
They chloroformed the poor child and kept her trussed up in an attic, ready to be
shipped overseas.'
Miss Smith leaned forward and hissed dramatically, 'The white slave trade!
But I happened to be in the area reporting on slum dwellings and I heard her
desperate screams. I rescued her and she begged me to take her back to the
hospital. I hope no long-term harm has been done to her – but I fear her
confinement will prey on her mind. She must never be confined in a locked
room again, her nerves would never stand it.'
It was my turn to marvel at Miss Smith's picturing. I practically applauded
when she insisted I must not be locked up! I'm not sure how much Matron
Bottomly truly believed – but Miss Smith was a governor and she could not
accuse her of lying.
'I feel Hetty Feather is a child of enormous creative potential. I have given her
a notebook in which to write. I shall come and visit her regularly and examine
her work,' said Miss Smith. 'I am sure I can rely on you, Matron Bottomly, to
her work,' said Miss Smith. 'I am sure I can rely on you, Matron Bottomly, to
make sure Hetty is not parted from her notebook. I know you have her welfare at
heart.'
Oh, glorious and devious Miss Smith! Matron Bottomly still hates the very sight
of me, but she allows me to write write write in this notebook! She has not
locked me in the punishment attic – though I'm sure she was sorely tempted
when Madame Adeline paid a visit to the Foundling Hospital to make sure I'd
returned safely!
I have been writing my own story this past year. Miss Smith has been writing
too. A Penny for a Posy has already been published. I have my own copy,
dedicated thus: To Hetty and Sissy – and in memory of Lil. Miss Smith tracked
them down and paid for a doctor to attend poor little Lil, but sadly he could not
help her. However, Miss Smith's rescue organization has found Sissy decent
lodgings away from her father, and she is now being trained as a milliner,
making neat nosegays for bonnets, so her story ends happily too.
This is my story and I promise it is not a work of fiction. I have tried hard not
to exaggerate or embroider too much. Miss Smith says very complimentary
things about my writing, but says I have a tendency to be too fanciful. But
sometimes the truth is stranger and more wondrous than fiction. I have kept the
very best part till last. I have found my mother!
I wonder if you have guessed who she is?
I had a very thorough bath the day I returned to the hospital and was given a
brand-new uniform and new boots too. I walked into the dining room for supper
and a general hubbub broke out, with girls clapping and crying, because
everyone had been convinced I'd disappeared for ever. Even Sheila and Monica
clasped me close! Little Eliza was beside herself, leaping up at me like a little
monkey, her arms about my neck.
However, it was Ida who reacted most dramatically. She took one look at me,
turned white as a sheet, and fainted dead away. She had to be carried bodily out
of the dining room by two nurses and taken to her room. Her shoe fell off as she
was dragged away. I snatched it up and cradled the ugly black brogue as if it was
Cinderella's glass slipper.
'I must return Ida's shoe,' I mumbled to a nurse, and fled from the dining room,
'I must return Ida's shoe,' I mumbled to a nurse, and fled from the dining room,
even though I had not had my supper.
I followed the nurses and poor Ida through the kitchens and down a long
corridor to the cramped servants' quarters. Ida's room was as small as the
punishment attic and almost as bare. The nurses laid her down on her truckle
bed. Ida murmured my name.
'Yes, yes, Hetty Feather's here. She has scared us all but she has turned up like
a bad penny,' said one nurse.
'Fancy you taking on so, Ida! You've a kind heart,' said the other nurse. 'There
now, you'd better rest. Come along, Hetty, leave Ida to recover.'
'Mayn't I stay for five minutes, just to make sure she doesn't swoon again,' I
begged. 'I was so very mean to Ida and I feel so bad about it now. Please let me
tell her how sorry I am.'
The nurses laughed at me, but let me stay.
'Oh, dear Ida, please be all right,' I whispered.
I smoothed the hair off her forehead and stroked her temple. Her eyes opened.
They looked very raw and bloodshot.
'Oh, Ida, your eyes look so sore,' I said, concerned. 'Have you been crying?'
'Of course I've been crying!' Ida said. 'I've been fair demented these last two
days. I've been out searching the streets both nights trying to find you. I thought
I'd truly lost you and I couldn't bear it. I feared you'd run away because you
thought I favoured Sheila, when I was simply making a fuss of her to spite you.'
'And no wonder! I was so horrid to you. Please forgive me, dearest Ida. You
mean the whole world to me,' I declared.
Fresh tears welled in her poor eyes.
'Oh, Ida, don't!' I said, and I hugged her hard, burying my head in her bony
shoulder.
Her hands reached up and she wound her fingers in my red hair. 'My little
Hetty – my own child,' she murmured.
I raised my head. 'What did you say?' I whispered.
Ida wiped her tears with her fingers, keeping her face covered with her hands.
'Nothing, nothing,' she said.
I took hold of her hands and gently pulled them away so I could see her
properly. I looked deep into her eyes and saw the truth. 'You are my mother?' I
whispered.
'Hush, Hetty, hush! No one must ever know!'
'But . . . but . . .' I saw the strands of our hair side by side on the pillow, Ida's
light-brown locks and my fiery red ones.
'Your father has red hair,' Ida whispered.
I clasped her hands. 'Tell me!' I begged.
'His name's Robert – but everyone always called him Bobbie. He was the
brightest boy in our village and I loved him with all my heart, though he did not
truly care for me. He left to go to sea and voyage round the world.'
'And where is he now, my father?'
'I truly do not know, Hetty. He never came back. He swore he'd write to me
but he never did. I waited and waited for him to return – because I realized I was
having his baby.'
'Me!'
'Yes, you, Hetty!' Her arms went round me, holding me tightly. 'I did not know
what to do. I didn't tell a soul but soon I became so big that people started to
notice. My parents could not stand the shame and turned me out.'
'Oh, Ida!'
'I was so lonely, so frightened. I didn't know what to do,' she said, clinging to
me. 'I gave birth to you all alone, and you were so terrifyingly tiny, but, oh, so
precious. I held you close in my arms all day long and felt I could never ever let
you go. But I had no way of supporting us. I did not dare farm you out to some
woman while I worked. You were so small and sickly, I knew you would not
thrive unless you were cared for most particularly. So I decided it would be best
if I took you to the Foundling Hospital.'
'I wish you could have kept me, Ida.'
'I wished it too. It was an agony to give you up. I missed you so badly. I nearly
lost my mind with wretchedness. I ended up in the workhouse, changing my
name so that no one should ever know. It was very hard there, but I did my best
to bear it. Eventually the mistress helped me find a position as a kitchen maid. I
worked in that post for a year, but when I knew you were due back from your
foster home I applied for work at the hospital. It was my only way of being near
you, Hetty. I could never earn enough to buy you back, and the governors would
not deem me a fit mother anyway.'
'You are the most fit mother in the world, and the only one I could ever want,' I
said fervently.
'It's been such a secret joy these past five years watching you grow, but a
torment too, unable to give you a true mother's love. I resolved never to tell you.
If anyone found out, I would be sent away in disgrace.'
'Oh, Ida, I will keep our secret, I swear,' I promised. 'But could you tell me just
one thing more. Did you give me a name when I was born?'
'I called you a fancy pet name, Sapphire, because your eyes were so blue.'
'Oh my Lord, I pictured that! I knew my real mother would have chosen a
beautiful name for me! Listen, Ida, I hope to be a writer one day and have my
stories published – and then I shall use Sapphire as my pen name. You're not
laughing at me, are you?'
'No, my darling, I'm crying because I'm so happy.'
'We will leave the hospital together when I'm old enough, and my stories will
earn lots of money, and I'll find us a fine house, and we will live there together,
mother and daughter, just you wait and see.'
'Happily ever after, like the fairy stories,' said Ida, still weeping.
'Happily ever after,' I declared. 'I am absolutely certain!'