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  • Exhibit # 5 - Doc - Victim Impact Statement From S. MACKAY

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    Toronto Star
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    Sharlene Mackay witnessed the 2018 Toronto Van Attack and continues to suffer from its psychological impacts, including depression, anxiety, panic attacks, night terrors, and difficulty concentrating. She struggles with triggers associated with the attack and has changed jobs and behaviors to avoid being reminded of it. She worries the accused may be released and allowed a normal life after taking away her sense of normalcy and that of other victims.

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    Exhibit # 5- Doc- Victim Impact Statement From S. MACKAY

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    Sharlene Mackay witnessed the 2018 Toronto Van Attack and continues to suffer from its psychological impacts, including depression, anxiety, panic attacks, night terrors, and difficulty concentrating. She struggles with triggers associated with the attack and has changed jobs and behaviors to avoid being reminded of it. She worries the accused may be released and allowed a normal life after taking away her sense of normalcy and that of other victims.

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    © All Rights Reserved
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    214 views1 page

    Exhibit # 5 - Doc - Victim Impact Statement From S. MACKAY

    Uploaded by

    Toronto Star
    Sharlene Mackay witnessed the 2018 Toronto Van Attack and continues to suffer from its psychological impacts, including depression, anxiety, panic attacks, night terrors, and difficulty concentrating. She struggles with triggers associated with the attack and has changed jobs and behaviors to avoid being reminded of it. She worries the accused may be released and allowed a normal life after taking away her sense of normalcy and that of other victims.

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    © All Rights Reserved
    Download as PDF, TXT or read online from Scribd
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    of 1

    My name is Sharlene Mackay and I am a witness and civilian first responder to the Toronto Van Attack that took

    place on April 23, 2018, particularly the portion of events that took place in and around Mel Lastman Square. It is a
    day that has profoundly affected my life, both personally and also my relationships with people around me.

    Since witnessing this event, I often feel sad and depressed. I will just start tearing up or even crying, Other times I
    become angry inside and I will have a hard time being empathetic to other’s problems or concerns as they seem to
    not matter when everything could be taken away in a flash. I suffer from survivor’s guilt, wondering why I am still
    alive when I easily could be dead instead of a mother with a young child.

    I had to walk past the crime scene at least twice a day on my way to work. I take public transit and there was only
    one way to get there. I tried getting off a different stop but that was still part of the stretch of road affected and just
    made me wonder if it looked as terrible as what happened at the square. I could not walk on the west side of Yonge
    Street at all, I became full of dread and a pit would develop on my stomach. I would become very anxious. It was so
    bad that I started looking for a new job. Sadly I was new to my career and it took me a year to find a new job. I
    started it on April 22, 2019 and I cannot tell you how happy I was to not have to walk there anymore. On my last
    day there were already memorials being set up and I cried the whole way home.

    I still suffer from panic attacks. Common triggers include white vans, the name Ryder, sudden noises, the colour of
    the jacket worn by one of the victims, and too many people. It can be one thing or any combination of things that
    trigger an attack. I tend to walk close to buildings or on the inside of a sidewalk or walkway, unless I am with other
    people in which case I walk on the outside because I don’t want anyone else to get hurt or be killed. Because noise
    can trigger me I find that I need to wear headphones/earbuds and play music when out in public alone. I also have
    night terrors. Sometimes it is just a replay of what actually happened but other times it is me being chased by a white
    van that will stop and then start chasing me again. Other times it is images of the victims asking me to help them.

    There are times that I will not be able to focus or concentrate. My mind will just wander and I will become
    consumed with thoughts related to the event. These wanderings can be just a few minutes in length or a few hours.
    Sometimes they are caused by one of my triggers happening or having occurred recently, sometimes it is by
    someone talking about the event or a news article. I do not always read the articles and I find that I do not watch
    televised news programs very often anymore.

    I am afraid to watch new television shows or movies that I think might have a scene with someone being hit by a
    vehicle. Unfortunately I have not always been successful with this and have had panic attacks in a movie theatre or
    at home sometimes with other people from my social circle or family present and of course strangers. I find that I
    have to explain what might happen to anyone that I might spend time with, new friends, coworkers, family I haven’t
    seen in a while, etc.. It makes me feel victimized again.

    Because of this continued pain, I will sometimes try to blot it out by drinking too much so I can sleep without night
    terrors. I often don’t eat properly be it too little or too much. I try to hide these behaviours and feelings from those
    around me as I don’t want them to be upset and I don’t want them to treat me differently. I don’t want them to stop
    including me in outings or conversations because they think I can’t handle it. I find that I am more protective of my
    people now. I worry excessively that they are hurt or dead if they are late or haven’t called or messaged in what I
    perceive to be a timely manner.

    I know these are things that I will have to deal with in varying degrees for the rest of my life. Sometimes it is a little
    easier but then it will come back as strong as the first months after the event. I know that there are many others like
    me who are suffering and will continue to suffer. Knowing that the accused is getting to walk around and plan happy
    things for his life would make this worse for me. I don’t feel like he should get to have a “normal” life since he took
    away mine and so many others. I feel that the accused should be in custody for the remainder of his life as I will
    forever be in custody of his crime. For that reason, I do want to be notified when the accused has a parole hearing so
    I can make my concerns heard.

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