leave your mind

behind

the everyday practice of finding

stillness amid rushing thoughts

matthew mckay, ph.d.

& catharine sutker

New Harbinger Publications, Inc.

 Publisher’s Note

This publication is designed to provide accurate and authoritative

information in regard to the subject matter covered. It is sold with the
understanding that the publisher is not engaged in rendering psycholog-
ical, financial, legal, or other professional services. If expert assistance
or counseling is needed, the services of a competent professional should
be sought.
Distributed in Canada by Raincoast Books
Copyright © 2007 by Matthew McKay & Catharine Sutker
New Harbinger Publications, Inc.
5674 Shattuck Avenue
Oakland, CA 94609
www.newharbinger.com
Cover and text design by Amy Shoup; Acquired by Tesilya Hanauer
All Rights Reserved. Printed in the United States of America
_____________________________________________________________________
Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data
McKay, Matthew.
Leave your mind behind : the everyday practice of finding stillness
amid rushing thoughts / Matthew McKay and Catharine Sutker.
p. cm.
ISBN-13: 978-1-57224-534-1
ISBN-10: 1-57224-534-4
1. Thought and thinking. 2. Peace of mind. I. Sutker, Catharine. II.
Title.
BF441.M425 2007
158.1--dc22
2007028149

10  09  08
10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2
For Mary Hoffman
—MM

To Mike, who helps me observe and let go all the time.

—CS
 contents

acknowledgments ix
introduction

PART 1: What Do You Think?

— 1 — watching now: the moving band meditation 6
— 2 — watching now: the inner and outer shuttle 9
— 3 — watching yesterday: memory versus
observation 13
— 4 — pit bull thoughts 16
— 5 — seeing and feeling versus judging 20
— 6 — storytelling thoughts 23
— 7 — what’s next: planning versus fortune telling 26
— 8 — future thoughts: fantasy versus observation 29
— 9 — the conveyor belt of experience 32
PART 2: what do your thoughts do to your life?
— 10 — the workability test 38
— 11 — mental marriages 42
— 12 — judging everything 44
— 13 — what’s this thought trying to do? 47
— 14 — what world are your thoughts making? 51
— 15 — the great escape 53
— 16 — the seducer 56
— 17 — rogue thoughts 59
— 18 — the thought storm 61
— 19 — bossy thoughts 64
— 20 — stale bread 66
— 21 — you are not a thought 68
— 22 — just because you think it, doesn’t make it so 70
— 23 — rainy day acceptance 73
— 24 — the one-track mind 75
— 25 — bringing a thought into your awareness 79
— 26 — looking for flaws 82
— 27 — thoughts like stars 85
— 28 — chain gang 87
— 29 — move your feet 90

vi
 PART 3: stop believing everything you think
— 30 — labeling thoughts 95
— 31 — the fishing boats 98
— 32 — letting go of judgments 100
— 33 — draw your thoughts 103
— 34 — say it again, sam 105
— 35 — songs and silly voices 107
— 36 — the thought scramble 110
— 37 — the paperweight 112
— 38 — pop-up thoughts 114
— 39 — well of sorrow 116
— 40 — white room meditation 118
— 41 — take your chihuahua for a walk 120
— 42 — the unhappy customer 122
— 43 — the thought lunchbox 124
— 44 — hold a thought like a feather 127
— 45 — the chocolate thought 129
— 46 — feeding the tiger 131
— 47 — letting worry pass you by 134
— 48 — moving into your life 137
— 49 — dropping the rope 141
— 50 — monsters 144
vii
 acknowledgments

Grateful acknowledgement to Steven C. Hayes, Ph.D., Kelly

G. Wilson, Ph.D., and Kirk Strosahl, Ph.D., and the entire
ACT community, for developing an extraordinary therapy-
acceptance and commitment therapy. This book is based on
a component of that therapy, cognitive defusion.
 INTRODUCTION

the art of leaving

your mind behind

w hen you wake, your mind starts a day’s journey. It’s

like you’re getting in a car, and your mind is driving.
Sometimes it goes at breakneck speed; sometimes you can’t
get out of the garage. Sometimes it guides you precisely to a
destination; sometimes it takes you down a road of ruts and
weeds to the middle of nowhere. Your mind can show you
streets with lofty houses and sloping lawns—places where
you feel a sense of jealousy and failure. Or it can strand you
in back alleys, full of danger and moving shadows.
 For so many of us, our minds go places we wish we
didn’t have to follow. Our thoughts may have an automatic
quality, rushing us into feelings of fear, loss, unworthiness,
or anger. We get so attached to our thoughts that they seem
real and drive us to do things that create even more pain.
This book is about how to relax and watch your mind. About
letting your mind go where it goes, but taking the trip much
less seriously. You’ll learn to watch the mental scenery with
detachment, not belief, and with interest, not involvement.
As you let go of believing everything you think, those rides
with your mind will feel more safe and comfortable.
The first section of this book will introduce you to the
five types of thoughts. You’ll learn how to recognize and
watch them; and how to switch from one kind of thought
to another. In the book’s second part, you’ll learn to rec-
ognize the function and effects of your thoughts. When
you can see through thoughts, when you know what they’re
designed to do or create, they have far less power over you.
Section three will show you how to watch a thought without
getting caught in its content. You’ll learn to disengage from
the scary, hurtful things thoughts throw at you.
This book will be eye-opening. We promise. It will also
give you new, creative ways to take that daily journey with
your mind. So let’s get going.

2
 PART I

~
what do you
think?
o ur mind’s main job is to create thoughts. That’s what
minds do—constantly, relentlessly. Some thoughts
make sense; some don’t. Some thoughts solve problems.
Some paralyze us with fear. Some help us steer our ship.
Some run us aground on the shoals of self-hate.
Our thoughts are just a moment in time, existing only
in the synapses of the brain. While they’re less real than a
sitcom, we treat them as breaking news. We believe every-
thing we think, and that is the source of so much of our
pain. There is only one way to free ourselves from the trap
of believing what our minds create. We must understand
how thoughts work.
Understanding the mind begins with observing the
seven kinds of thoughts, and learning to differentiate one
from the other. These thoughts are:

 Observations about the present moment.

 Memories of past moments.

 Judgments about whether something’s

good or bad, right or wrong.

 Storytelling thoughts that try to explain

why things happen.

 Future thoughts that develop scenarios

for things that haven’t yet occurred.
There are three types of future thoughts:

4
 planning, fantasy, and fortune-telling.
More about that later.

This book will teach you how to watch your mind. As

you watch, you’ll discover how each kind of thought can
help or hurt you. Let’s get started. There’s a lot to learn
about your mind. The more you know, the less your mind
will control your moods and your life.

5
 — 1 —

watching now: the moving

band meditation

e verything you feel inside your body can be a focus-

ing point for the present moment. Listening to your
physical experience is like listening to a complex piece of
music. There are major and subordinate melodies. There are
themes that swell and fade away. Sensations may explode
like the sudden crashing of cymbals or come on slowly like
a crescendo played on an oboe.
One easy way to listen to your body and focus your
attention on the experience right now is the Moving Band
Meditation. Imagine a circular band of light, about three

6
feet in diameter just above your head. In a moment, the band
will begin to descend, moving slowly down your body. As
it passes each point, from your forehead to your feet, try to
observe your feelings in that place. Notice the quality of each
sensation. Does it feel tight? Is it a dull ache? Is there a sense
of pressure, or a sense of calm or release? As the band moves
lower, let your attention shift to the new area it surrounds.
Bring all your focus and awareness to bear on the parts of
your body that lie within the band. Keep watching the band
descend, in small increments, until you have listened to each
sensation, each individual note of the body’s song.
Now expand your awareness to include the whole
melody. Inhale a deep breath and let it go; take in everything
your body feels. Listen for a moment with your whole atten-
tion. Then take another deep breath and end the exercise.
Go ahead now. Start the Moving Band Meditation. The
most important thing about the meditation is what you’re
not doing. For the most part, you aren’t worrying, planning,
remembering, explaining, or expecting. During these few
moments, your mind has been quieter. It has been watch-
ing and listening. It has been living in this moment, and no
other.
Think about these questions:

 How does focusing your mind on

sensations, even for a few minutes,
affect you emotionally?

7
  Is there a difference between the moving
band experience when you focus on
particular parts of the body and listening
to your body as a whole?

 Does the meditation slow down your

mind? Does it change the frequency or
quality of your thoughts?

8
 — 2 —

watching now: the inner

and outer shuttle

t he present moment is a precious time. It is when feelings

are felt, when decisions are made, when change is pos-
sible. But the power and magic of the present often eludes
us. Instead, we may spend our time living in the past—
with old hurts, old mistakes, with painful judgments about
others and ourselves. Or we may be pulled into the future—
with our worries and “what ifs” and visions of catastrophe.
Meanwhile, the moments of our lives are lost.
Learning to live in the now takes a simple shift in your
awareness. Instead of images from the past or the uncer-

9
tain future, we observe the twin pillars of the moment: the
experiences inside and outside our bodies. In the chapter
on the Moving Band Meditation, you learned to observe
what your body feels. Now you can practice the next step
in awareness—shuttling back and forth between the inner
and outer worlds.
Right now, close your eyes and notice the sensations
in your body. What do you feel in your face and head?
Your neck and shoulders? Notice the experience of breath-
ing—the air going down the back of your throat, your ribs
expanding, your diaphragm stretching. Observe any sensa-
tions in your chest and stomach. Now notice any feelings
in your hips, buttocks, or genitals. Finally, pay attention to
your legs and feet.
Now open your eyes and switch awareness to things
outside your body. Notice what you see—the colors, shapes,
and special qualities of the objects around you. Now observe
the sounds in your environment—a ticking clock, traffic
noise, the drone of distant voices. Now notice the feel of
things—this book in your hands, the texture of the arm of
your chair. Pay attention to any fragrances or other smells.
Close your eyes again. Shift focus to what your body
feels. Scan from head to toe for each sensation. Some feel-
ings may be uncomfortable or even painful. Some may be
pleasant or pleasurable. It doesn’t matter. Just watch what’s
happening inside, and stay with it for maybe two minutes.

10
 Now open your eyes again, and shift back to the outside
world. Notice what you see, hear, feel, and smell. Focus for
two minutes on these experiences.
Shuttle back and forth between inner and outer expe-
riences three or four more times. Try to notice something
new as you make each switch. If thoughts show up or seem
to interrupt the process, that’s okay. Just notice them, and
go back to focusing on the now.
When you are ready to stop shuttling back and forth,
take a few minutes to think about these questions. Make
sure not to look at the questions until you have had the
experience of shuttling back and forth.

 How is focusing on the now different from

your normal consciousness?

 How does focusing on the now affect your

mood?

 What qualities of the moment seem to

pop out most?

 Are you more comfortable and relaxed

focusing inside or outside your body?

 What qualities of the outside world seem

most vivid and interesting to you?

11
  What did you notice about your
thoughts? Did your mind quiet down or
get more active? Were there more or fewer
worry thoughts? Were there more or fewer
judgments?

 How do you feel now, as opposed to just

before this exercise?

12
 — 3 —

watching yesterday:
memory versus observation

t he past is a beautiful and disturbing place. It’s where

live our successes and losses; our moments of first dis-
covery and cold disappointment. In the past we can take
comfort or hide out. We can enjoy each moment of love and
belonging or review a bitter rosary of failure.
The past is like a forest where you find majestic elk
or see snakes hanging from the branches. And what shows
up depends in part on what you’re looking for. If you seek
evidence you’ve been loved, chances are you’ll find it. But if

13
some dark part of you is bent on proving you’re unworthy,
you’ll find reasons for that too.
So what do you do with this goldmine or minefield—
your history? You can start to see it for what it is—a place
your mind can go. Or leave. If it gives you refuge, enjoy it. If
it hurts, come back to the present moment and calm your-
self in the here and now.
The “now and then” shuttle is a way to facilitate the
movement from past to present. This exercise allows you to
migrate back and forth until time hopping feels easy. Start
with a memory—any memory—that you can vividly recall.
Anchor yourself there for a moment. See the shapes and
colors of the scene. Listen to the sounds—wind or waves or
voices. Feel that moment—the temperature, the textures.
Now shuttle to the present. What do you see right
now? Let your eyes take in everything around you. Notice
what you are hearing, even the tiniest of ambient sounds.
What are your hands touching? How does the world press
against your body? Do you feel warm or cold? Stay with the
moment for a minute or two, and take it in.
Now return to the past—to another memory. It can be
anything that comes to mind; it’s completely arbitrary. Try
to see it, hear it, and feel it. Give the memory a moment to
come alive. Focus on the experience until you can feel what
it was like to live it.

14
 Switch again to the present. See your environment.
Listen to whatever sounds there are. Notice what your skin
tells you.
Now keep shuttling back and forth, returning to the
past and present three more times, spending a few minutes
in each place.
When you’ve completed the “now and then” shuttle,
think about these questions:

 Where do you tend to go in the past—to

emotionally happy, neutral, or desolate
places?

 Which feels calmer and more peaceful—

the past or the present?

 Where do you feel better about yourself—

present or past?

 Where would you like to spend more of

your time—present or past?

 How difficult is it to shuttle to the present;

is it hard to let go of the past?

 What would help you shift to the present,

if you were stuck in memories you didn’t
like?

15
 — 4 —

pit bull thoughts

p it bull thoughts are judgments, condemning evalua-

tions of others or ourselves. There is a stock scene in
countless movies where a dog grabs someone’s pant leg and
won’t let go. The victim does a helpless little dance, trying to
shake the animal, but the dog only holds on tighter. That’s
what pit bull thoughts do to you. They grab hold of your
mind, keeping it in a tight grip of contempt, accusation, and
blame.
This is not to say that judgment is always a problem.
Some judgments are valuable and serve to protect us. Our
minds sort things that we experience in our environment
as good or bad—meaning they are likely to have a good or

16
bad effect on us. This helps us decide quickly whether to
approach or avoid something. But this vital process often
runs amok, and our minds let the dogs out. One after
another, they leap and tear at us—or at others we judge—
doing great psychological damage.
Judgment thoughts, whomever they target, all hail
from the same source: a belief in the way things should
or shouldn’t be. Many judgments grow from some ideal
of beauty or attractiveness. Anything less than the ideal is
labeled ugly. Some pit bull thoughts derive from rules about
competence, hard work, or proper behavior. Anyone who
breaks the rules seems worthy of blame.
You can change what happens with the pit bulls. The
very first thing you can do is begin to notice them. Judgments
have less power to hurt when you’re paying attention. Do
one or more of the following exercises to learn more about
your pit bull thoughts:

 When reading today’s newspaper, make

hatch marks on a note pad every time you
experience a judgment.

 Visualize someone you don’t like or don’t

approve of. It could be a political figure, a
grumpy family member, or a competitor
at work. Just keep your mind’s eye focused

17
 on that person, and notice the judgments
that arise.

 Visualize a recent situation that upset

you. Notice how the dogs attack the
person who provoked you. Observe your
judgments for a few minutes.

 Visualize or stare in the mirror at a part

of your body that you don’t like. Listen to
what you say to yourself.

 Form a picture in your mind of something

you did that you regret. Hold the image,
and notice what your mind does.
Observe the type (observation, memories,
judgment, story telling, future thoughts)
and the intensity of your judgments.

Now it’s time to reflect: what have you learned from

this exercise about the ways you judge yourself and others?

 Do you tend to judge the behavior or the

person as a whole?

 What are the “shoulds” or rules of proper

behavior that underlie some of your
judgments?

18
  Woundings are your self-judgments—how
do they impact your feelings about
yourself?

 Do your judgments about others push

you to action—to go on the attack or get
revenge?

 Do your judgments about others push you

to withdraw and protect yourself?

Now comes the most important question. Since you

can’t turn your mind off, and judgments will always be there,
do you want to change your relationship to judgment—to
notice your judgments, yet take them less seriously? If you
do, there are exercises later in this book that will help you.

19
 — 5 —

seeing and feeling

versus judging

y ou see a gray Escalade—one of those Cadillac SUVs—

and you think, “There’s a gas guzzler that’s helping to
destroy the environment.” While seeing and thinking are
two different things, you may not notice that you’ve con-
nected them together. The large gray car with a Cadillac
insignia becomes the judgment “gas guzzler.” So what you
experience with your senses gets mixed up with what
your mind tells you. Your judgments—which are assump-
tions and opinions, not reality—seem inseparable from the
observable facts.

20
 Learning to disentangle what you see, hear, and feel
inside your body from how you judge what you see, hear,
and feel is critical to understanding your mind and getting
a healthy perspective on it. Here’s what we’re saying in a
nutshell: judgments aren’t reality, but your mind thinks they
are.
The “seeing versus judging” shuttle is an exercise that
can help to make this clear. Begin by noticing your breath.
Now broaden your awareness to a sensation inside your
body. Try to observe the sensation and just notice it. Now
shift your focus to what you think about that feeling in your
body. Does it feel good or bad? Do you like or dislike the
sensation?
Now look around you. Find an object that’s either
black or brown. Study it for a moment and closely observe
its shape and dimensions, its texture and any color varia-
tions. Now shift again to what you think about that object.
Is the shape and color pleasing or displeasing? What do you
think about its aesthetics? Does it look good or ugly? Is it
new? Or old and damaged?
Now return to a feeling inside your body. Observe it
first, then switch to evaluating your thought response. Now
return back to the outer world and find an object of a dif-
ferent color. Notice all the details first, and then your judg-
ment of what you notice. Keep the shuttle going for about
ten minutes, or longer if you can.

21
 When you’ve completed the “seeing versus judging”
shuttle, take a few moments to think about these questions:

 Do your judgments about an object feel

clearly different from your observations?
Or are they hard to separate?

 Were you starting to slip into judgments

even before consciously making the
switch?

 How easy or hard is it to stay in the

observation-only mode?

 How easy or hard is it to let go of a

judgment, once it forms, and shuttle to
your next observation?

22
 — 6 —

storytelling thoughts

a favorite thing our minds like to do is tell stories. Not

a story like your Uncle Charlie’s endless saga about
his travels in Kamchatka, but one that explains things, and
answers the question “Why?” Our mental storytelling is
really about getting at causes.

 My father hasn’t called because . . . he’s

angry with me.

 I don’t have a boyfriend because . . . I’m

unattractive and I irritate people.

23
  My friends are late for my dinner party
because . . . they didn’t want to come.

Our stories try to make sense of things that happen

to us. They take ambiguous situations—things people do
that are hard to read—and make up what seems a likely
explanation.
In storytelling, we often mind-read, or make assump-
tions about what others think and feel about us. Our
minds are story-making machines. They do it constantly.
Compulsively. Thoughts that seek to explain the world are
often helpful, and are a key part of our survival. But too
often our stories are mere pieces of fiction.
This is when storytelling gets dangerous. We make
things up, and then act as if they were absolute fact. Take
the example used earlier: “My friends are late for my dinner
party because they didn’t want to come.” Acting on this
assumption, one might greet the tardy guests with coldness.
Or decide to have nothing more to do with them. But what
if that story was wrong? Our minds have a hard time telling
the difference between fact and fiction, because we tend to
believe what we think. Our stories, no matter how unlikely
or absurd, always seem true to us. How, then, should we
relate to our stories? We should see them as hypotheses,
or as possibilities, as one in an endless string of ideas our
minds have created. They are not absolute truth. They are
mere thoughts.

24
 Right now we’d like you to think about several stories
that you return to again and again. These are stories about
why certain things have happened or not happened to you;
why you or others behave in certain ways.
Now ask yourself about each story: “Why did that
happen?” or “Why is that true?” Whatever your answer, ask
the question again. Keep asking until you run out of answers.
After doing this exercise, you may notice several things. First,
how easily your mind can cook up stories. More important,
you may notice how shallow and not entirely believable some
of those stories turn out to be.
Example: “My father hasn’t called because he’s angry at
me.” Why is that? “Because he thinks I’m lazy.” Why is that?
“Because I don’t have a job.” Why is that? “Because I keep
sending out resumés and I get no calls.” Why is that? “Because
I have a stupid resumé.” Why is that? “I don’t know.”

25
 — 7 —

what’s next: planning

versus fortune telling

w e carry our own crystal balls. A part of our mind

is dedicated to predicting the future and avoiding
potential harm. It’s that little voice in your head that keeps
whispering, “What if?” What if your daughter flunks out
of school? What if that stomachache is an ulcer? What if
sales fall and you lose the business? By trying to look ahead
and by shining a light into the darkness of the future, we
hope to stay safe. The problem is that we can get addicted
to fortune telling, or to believing that by conceiving every
possible danger, we will magically prevent it. So our life

26
becomes a frightening string of worries that keeps us in a
constant state of alarm.
Planning, while focused on the future, differs from
fortune telling, because it doesn’t create anxiety. It’s about
solving rather than anticipating problems. Planning usually
gets down to specific steps for changing or coping with
something. Whereas fortune telling is about figuring out
the severity of a problem, planning is about cutting the
problem down to size and finally overcoming it.
Take the example of Aaron Wolfson. The event of
Hurricane Katrina and aftermath of a nearly abandoned
city threatened to destroy his cooking school, The Savvy
Gourmet. His first reaction was fortune telling, imagining
the losses—house, business, and years of financial devas-
tation. But he stopped worrying and started planning. He
turned the cooking school into a supplier of fresh cooked
food to thousands of rescue workers, police, and the media.
One of the best ways to deal with worry is to observe
your mind and learn to distinguish planning from fortune-
telling thoughts. Right now we’d like you to focus your atten-
tion on a recent worry. Give yourself a moment to really get
into it. Notice how your mind starts to paint a dangerous
future. Notice the way it seeks the most disturbing scenario.
Now shift your focus to a single (possibly small) step you
could take to reduce the risk or improve the situation. Don’t

27
try to figure out if it’s practical or look for flaws in the plan.
Just imagine this one problem-solving step.
Now find another recent worry. Focus on it till your
mind begins fortune telling, then shift to finding that first,
practical step you could take toward reducing the risk. When
you’ve finished round two, repeat the process a third time.
At the end of the exercise, spend a few minutes consid-
ering the following questions:

 Is there a difference in how you feel

emotionally doing planning versus
fortune telling?

 How difficult is it to shift from worrying

to making a specific plan? How did it go
by the third round?

 Did you find that worry kept creeping in

as you attempted to plan? How did you
refocus back to the process of planning?

 How could you become more alert to

noticing your fortune-telling thoughts,
and remember to shift to planning after
you recognized some danger?

28
 — 8 —

future thoughts: fantasy

versus observation

f antasies are a great vacation from real life. Romantic,

sexual, success, or escape fantasies all have one thing in
common: you leave the present moment to live somewhere
else. You become a mental tourist.
Some fantasies are healthy. They create desire to make
things happen in your life. Some help you visualize new
goals. Some give you a needed moment of pleasure or stress
relief.
But fantasies can harm. You can spend so much time
in a pleasant but unlikely future that you lose contact with

29
the present. Or fantasies can create such burning desires
that everything else by contrast seems paltry and sad.
Sometimes fantasies get in the way of making hard choices
and real changes. You escape to the future instead of solving
critical problems. We all pay for such escapes in the coin
of depression and a sense that our lives have slipped out of
control.
How do fantasies affect you? The best way to find
out is to notice them, and see them in the context of the
present moment. Right now, let yourself slip into a familiar
daydream that is pleasant and reliable. Close your eyes and
explore the image—notice the sights and sounds, and feel
the experience. Savor the fantasy for a minute or two, trying
to really be in the visualization.
Now open your eyes and shift your attention to the
present moment. What do you see and hear? What sensa-
tions do you notice? Keep observing what your senses tell
you for one to two minutes.
Now continue to shuttle back and forth between
fantasy and the current moment. If the first fantasy you
chose loses sharpness or appeal, find another. Keep shut-
tling for eight to ten minutes. Notice, as you transition back
and forth, how it feels to move in each direction. Now take
a few minutes to think about these questions:

30
  How jarring or difficult is it to leave
your fantasy and return to the present
moment?

 Do you want to stay in the fantasy, or do

you prefer the present moment?

 Is there anything in the present moment

that makes it feel good to escape?

 How does fantasy impact your life, both

positively and negatively?

If fantasy is sometimes a problem for you, we suggest

taking “reality breaks.” Each time you find yourself drifting
in a prolonged fantasy, take a deep breath and shift for one
minute to the present. Notice what you see and hear, as well
as what you feel inside your body. Ask this question: “What
can I do right now to make my present moment better?”

31
 — 9 —

the conveyor belt of

experience

i t’s time to put together everything you’ve experienced

so far, and learn how to watch your mind. Knowing how
to observe your thoughts is the first step to getting free
from mental suffering.
Right now, place your attention on your breath. Notice
the feeling of the cool air sliding down the back of your
throat; observe the sensation of your chest expanding and
your diaphragm stretching and releasing. As you exhale,
notice how it feels throughout your body to let go.

32
 Now, after a minute or two, shift your attention to
what your mind is doing. Imagine that your thoughts are
arriving via a conveyor belt of experience. It runs continu-
ously right in front of you, carrying each thought as it forms
in your mind. Your task is to sort the thoughts by putting
one of four labels on each of them: (1) observation thought,
(2) judgment, (3) future or “fortune-­telling” thought, or (4)
explaining or “storytelling” thought. For the purpose of this
exercise, ignore memories, fantasies, and planning thoughts
because that’s too many to keep track of.
After getting centered and observing your breath, try
to work at least three minutes on the conveyor belt. While
observing your thoughts, imagine pasting sticky labels rep-
resenting each type of thought on small boxes. Or you can
just say the type of thought it is to yourself. If you miss a
thought, don’t worry about it. Just watch and label the next
one.
When you’ve completed the conveyor belt of expe-
rience exercise, take a few minutes to think about these
questions:

 Of the four categories of thought you

tracked, which one comes up most often?

 Which category of thought proved to be

the most sticky and difficult to let go?

33
  Which category of thought triggered the
strongest emotional reactions?

 Which category of thought was hardest to

recognize and label? Did practice make it
easier?

 To which category of thought would

you like to be less attached, or take less
seriously?

34
 PART II

~
what do your
thoughts do to
your life?
i t’s not that you have “wrong” thoughts, it’s that you can
spend too much time living from them, fused with them,
rather than looking at them. We’d like for you to learn a
very important skill—observing how your thoughts func-
tion. That is, what are the effects of your thoughts on your
life?
Because you cannot choose which thoughts come to
your mind, and because you cannot stop them from hap-
pening, it becomes imperative that you have some power
over your relationship to a thought, and what you do as a
result of that relationship. Believe it or not, this is more
important than understanding, dissecting, or analyzing a
thought’s content, since often the “whys” are arbitrary and
ever-changing.
You may ask, “Well then, how do I judge the effects
of my thoughts?” We ask you to answer that question by
studying how thoughts serve you. Do your thoughts help
bring you closer to what you care deeply about in your life?
Or do they function to keep you safe, but not actually nearer
to what is important to you in life?
Consider the thought that comes into your head when
the alarm clock goes off. “I don’t want to go to work today.”
Is that thought “bad”? No, it’s just that if you listened to
that thought and took it literally, you’d stay in bed and
miss work, risking your job and your means of supporting

36
yourself. So, is this a thought that is not serving you well? It
doesn’t function in a helpful way in your life.
Here are some questions you might ask yourself in
order to gauge the effects of a thought:

 Is this thought serving me well or not?

 Is this thought helping me get closer to

what matters most to me in life?

 If this thought were my chauffeur, would

it be driving me in the direction I wanted
to be heading?

That is the litmus test of thoughts: How do they func-

tion in your life? Because thoughts are so automatic, you
normally don’t catch the difference between judging some-
thing about yourself versus just noticing with compassion
and without judgment. Judgment is just another thought.
You can use the exercises in this section to examine what
your thoughts do to you and to your life. The more you are
able to witness the thought process happening, the more
flexibility you achieve and the more choice you have over
the direction of your own life.

37
 — 10 —

the workability test

t he seven kinds of thoughts our minds make—memory,

observation, planning, judging, fortune-telling, and sto-
rytelling—all help us function and thrive. All seven types
of thoughts can be used in either helpful or harmful ways.
Here are some examples:

 Our memory helps us retrieve

information. It can be a source of joy as
we connect back to important moments
and people in our lives. Some folks are
consumed by memories of loss or failure.
Others spend so much time in the past
that they lose their footing in the present.

38
 Observing the moment can be calming.
It also creates a rich and deeply felt
experience of the now. But sometimes
we need to stop observing and move into
action, or else nothing will change.

 Judging helps you evaluate what’s good or

bad for you and stay away from harmful
stuff. But it’s also a club with which you
can beat yourself and others. Harsh
judgments can damage both your self-
esteem and every close relationship.

 Storytelling is essential for explaining

and making sense of things. But as we
discussed earlier, it often runs amok
with mind reading and the most negative
interpretation of events.

 Planning (future thoughts) helps us

solve problems and prepare for the future.
But some people spend so much time
planning and preparing that their current
lives become a misery. Some years ago,
the National Enquirer carried a story
about a man who built his own RV. When
he finished ten years, one heart attack,

39
 and no vacations later, his neglected wife
and kids wondered what the point was.

 Fortune telling (future thoughts) helps

you predict the future and avoid life’s
potholes. If you know a lion lives in a
certain cave, fortune telling helps you
anticipate being eaten if you venture
there. But fortune telling can turn into a
torture, in which you sink into “what if”
and imagine an endless string of possible
but unlikely catastrophes.

 Fantasies (future thoughts) can be

a source of pleasure as you imagine
vacations, longed-for events, and future
achievements. But fantasies can be
dangerous because they often prevent
you from taking the practical steps to
make them come true. Or they end up
depressing you because the fantasy makes
your current life seem drab and empty by
comparison.

Here’s the million-dollar question: How do you know

when your mind’s gone off the rails? How do you know
when you’re buying into thoughts that don’t make sense?
Remember—your mind tends to believe everything it

40
thinks. The answer lies in something called workability.
How well is a certain, oft-repeated thought working for you?
Is it helping you or not?
Let’s use storytelling thoughts as an example. Can you
remember several stories you tend to use a lot? These are
stories about why certain things happen or don’t happen,
or about why you or others behave in specific ways. Now
ask yourself these questions about each story: How has it
worked for you? Does the story motivate you or make you
give up? Does it make you feel good or bad about yourself?
Does it help you do the things that matter to you, or does it
make you afraid to move?
In general, a thought is workable when it enhances,
expands, or opens your life; when it solves rather than
creates problems. Thoughts are not workable when they
constrict, inhibit, or close off your life.
Right now, we’d like you to explore this workability cri-
terion with some of your frequent thoughts. Examine care-
fully the effects of each thought. Does it help you live more
fully, or is it shutting you down? If a thought isn’t working
for you, it’s time to stop believing in it. Instead, just notice it
so you can begin to take it less seriously.

41
 — 11 —

mental marriages

w e have thoughts that automatically occur, and we

don’t really have the ability to suppress or stop them
from happening. For instance, without trying to, fill in the
blank words:
Rome wasn’t built in a        .
Rudolph the Red-Nosed        .
Read one more, and try not to think of the word that follows:
Step on the crack; break your mama’s     .
Here’s the rub: this automatic linking occurs with your
own thoughts and feelings. You have your own personalized
built-in creative sayings like these clichés. Sometimes they
42
come from your own experience, and at other times you’ve
picked them up from god knows where. So, instead of Rome
wasn’t built in a day, yours might be something like, “If I have
to speak in public tomorrow, I will panic. I should stay at
home.” Perhaps your mind is telling you this because you’ve
panicked in a public speaking situation before. Staying at
home on subsequent occasions has made you feel safe. So
you’ve learned the association public speaking‑panic‑home,
and your mind can dish it up for you in a split second. Now,
what if the speech is important to you, and you care about
expressing all of the information you’ve spent time prepar-
ing? Would buying into that thought, “I will panic; stay at
home” serve you well? Will it help you lead a full, engaging
life, or will listening to the thought keep you from doing
what matters to you?
It’s important to notice how your mind works and how
it’s creating scenarios and solutions that are just automatic
responses. Your life becomes more and more narrow when
you avoid doing things because your thoughts predict the
outcome.
Now that you know you cannot stop your mind from
making associations and giving you advice, with practice,
you can work on accepting those thoughts and not allow
them to direct your actions.

43
 — 12 —

judging everything

m 
ost of us do a good bit of judging. We can find
flaws in virtually anything:

That tree over there—it’s a bit lopsided.

 The chair I’m sitting in—a little too soft

and spongy.

 The sunset—not enough flaming orange.

 This park—the lawns are a little brown.

 My mother-in-law—too critical.

44
 Right now do this exercise. Look around your environ-
ment. Whether you are in a room or somewhere outside, let
your eyes roam and settle on various objects. Now see if you
can make a judgment about what you’re looking at. Notice
any flaw it might have. Keep going—moving your attention
from thing to thing—and evaluating each one in turn.
Here’s the question: Is there anything that can’t be
evaluated, that doesn’t have some flaw? Answer: Probably
not. This simple fact becomes important because every
one of us experiences moments when we actively look for
flaws—in ourselves, in others, in the objects around us. And
we can always find them.
Why do we judge? What drives us at times to seek
the negative? Listed below are some reasons why we make
judgments. Give a little thought to each one, and see which
might apply to you.

 To predict or solve a problem (the most

helpful kind of judgment).

 To protect us from disappointment.

 To try to fix or perfect ourselves or others.

 To prove ourselves better than someone

else (they have flaws we don’t possess).

45
  To prove that we’re as bad as we think,
or as bad as someone else (usually our
parents) thought.

 To punish ourselves for mistakes or

wrongdoing.

 To get relief from hurt or shame (by

judging those who hurt or shamed us).

Sometimes knowing the function of a thought gives

us perspective. And helps us take our thoughts a little less
seriously.

46
 — 13 —

what’s this thought

trying to do?

e very thought has a function. And thoughts that

show up over and over can only do so because they
provide you something important. Oft-repeated thoughts
are highly rewarding. They may protect you from pain,
remind you of your core identity, keep you from doing scary
things, or dozens of other functions. Even painful thoughts
are rewarding. Their job, invariably, is to protect you from
an emotion or experience that’s even worse. Whatever the
purpose of a thought, you can bet that it has arrived in your
mind at this exact moment for a reason.

47
 Knowing why a thought shows up can give you some
distance and perspective. Our thoughts often resemble
political speeches. They sound true and convincing until we
learn Senator So and So supports a new highway because a
resort he owns would make millions when the highway is
built. Before you buy a thought, and start acting as if it’s true,
we encourage you to look deeper and seek its real purpose.
Here are some examples. You might have a thought whose
function is:

 To remember that you are your mother’s

(father’s) daughter or son (meaning you’re
like them).

 To scare you.

 To keep you following the rules (handed

down by family, or learned during painful
experiences).

 To punish you for your sins and mistakes.

 To try to fix or perfect you.

 To paralyze you.

 To show you all your flaws.

 To keep the approval of           

(fill in the blank).

48
  To keep you confused so you do nothing.

 To keep you from ever taking a risk.

 To make sure you never feel pain.

 To prove you are blameless.

 To prove you are helpless (or a victim).

 To get you to give up.

Your mind has a million reasons. Those above are a

tiny sample of the universe of motives for a thought. As an
exercise, we’d like you to examine three recent thoughts
that touched you emotionally. Select:

 A thought that scared you.

 A thought that made you feel bad about

yourself (unworthy, ashamed, guilty).

 A thought that irritated you.

Now ask yourself for each: What’s that thought trying

to do? What urge does it create? And if you gave into that
urge, if you acted on it, what effect would that have on:

 Your worth

 Your identity

49
  Your goals

 Your fears

 Your relationships (past or present)

 Your shoulds (the rules you were given to

live by)

Next time a thought comes up—and you’ve learned its

function—thank your mind for what it was trying to do.

 Thank you, mind, for trying to . . . keep me

from achieving anything.

 Thank you, mind, for helping me . . . be

what my dad always said I’d be.

 Thank you, mind, for keeping me . . . a

victim.

 Thank you, mind, for trying to make me

. . . perfect.

50
 — 14 —

what world are your

thoughts making?

w

e create the world we live in with our thoughts.
Here’s how:

What we think, we believe.

 What we believe becomes our reality.

 Whatever is our reality becomes the basis

of our hopes, fears, and choices.

 What we choose becomes our life.

51
 Though our thoughts are nothing more than the
ephemeral firing of neurons, we take them so seriously that
they can frighten us, make us hate ourselves, or make us
despise someone else. Our thoughts have the power to par-
alyze us, or start wars.
In truth, we are all painters that let our minds apply the
colors, textures, and shapes to the canvas of our lives. And
we are programmers who weave our thoughts into a little
universe with its own rules and systems and outcomes.
If your thoughts are making your world, it might be
helpful to take a good look at the world you’re fashioning. In
this exercise, we’d like you to focus on thoughts about who
you are and what you expect in life—from others, from fate.
Next, look beyond these thoughts to the world they create.
Is it bleak, with dangerous and difficult figures competing
for scarce resources? Is it warm and sunny, with generous
and caring people looking after each other? Is it a place
where no one is safe, or a place with people you can trust?
Is it a world of struggle and failure, where you can’t buy a
break, or one where hard work succeeds in the end?
Now write a description of the world your thoughts
make. What do the people do there? How do they survive?
What are the rules? What are the dangers? How do you fit
in this place? When finished, ask yourself if this is where
you want to live. Remember, this world is no more real or
substantial than a string of words. If you don’t want to live
here, it’s time to stop believing everything you think.
52
 — 15 —

the great escape

c ertain thoughts function to help give you instant

relief. You feel pain of some kind, and there’s a built-in
mechanism—designed especially just for you by you—to
offer escape from negative feelings. You probably designed
your relief after certain experiences in your past that felt
uncomfortable. You figured out ways to avoid the pain, to
cover it up, or to flee as quickly as possible.
Your body is hardwired to do this because of the
fight or flight response to danger. Since the beginning of
the human species, when faced with life-threatening situa-
tions, such as a confrontation with a tiger, the body would
physiologically change in order to literally fight or flee. The

53
amazing thing about your brain is that all you have to do is
think about a threat in order for your body to respond with
fight or flight. It doesn’t take a tiger to respond like this; all
you need to do is think of something from your own unique
experiences that frightens you.
In your haste to flee, you may have developed ways to
escape from pain that do not to serve you well in life. For
instance, many people eat, drink, work, etc. as ways to avoid
the scary emotions. Great escape thoughts are thoughts
you have that urge you to do something to not feel hurt, or
sadness, or anger. Unfortunately, the escape instinct turns
out to keep you from accepting the initial pain that you
must feel in order to heal.
What are some great escape thoughts you might have
when faced with pain of some kind? On a separate piece
of paper, write down at least three escape thoughts. Then
answer these questions:

 Do you fantasize and neglect your work?

 Do you shop, or run, or clean your house

with a toothbrush?

 Are these behaviors working for you?

 Are you willing to feel the initial feelings

and work with those feelings first?

54
 By avoiding your feelings, you have two layers of pain
instead of the one. Those escape thoughts that urge you to
avoid feeling something are just thoughts. You do have the
power to catch a thought happening, and you can choose to
respond to the thought in a new way. When you know the
thought is an escape thought, you can consider whether it is
leading you in a direction you want to head.

 Is it aligned with your values, or what

matters to you?

 Are you able to have the escape thought

while sitting with your initial feeling
and using mindful observation to let the
thought happen without acting on it?

55
 — 16 —

the seducer

y ou think because your mind is a part of you, that must

mean it’s on “your side.” But sometimes, thoughts are
not on your side, they actually serve to detract you. Did you
ever have a “so-called” friend in high school? Someone who
acted like your friend, but who actually got you in trouble, or
seduced you into doing poorly in a certain class? Or maybe
your friend lured you into smoking or drinking. Picture this
kid. He smokes, he’s got the badass leather jacket, he doesn’t
wash his hair, and his eyes are shifty. Some of our thoughts
are like this kid. While they look like they might serve us,
in reality, they are destructive. Seducer thoughts usually
sound like:

56
 “I don’t really have to get that memo done
today.”

“Well, maybe this once I’ll skip the mandatory

meeting.”

“She doesn’t really need my help.”

“I’m sure I can make up the work next week.”

These thoughts are just the bad kid in high school cajol-
ing you to do things against your better judgment. These
thoughts are attacking your well-being. They do not func-
tion as positive behavioral directors in your life. The bad kid
thought is not leading you in the direction of your values! In
the moment, this thought can serve as instant relief (from
responsibility, or facing something you’re scared to face),
but truly, in the long run they are not in your best interest.
Think about what matters to you more: getting rid of a task,
or taking care of tasks that help you get ahead in life?

 Take a moment to reflect on at least one

important task that you know you’d feel
better accomplishing rather than putting
off or procrastinating.

 Let that seducer come to mind. Accept the

voice of distraction as a voice, an angle,
but not a reality.

57
  Now let the seducer fade into the
background, and bring to mind the task
that you might be avoiding.

 Take in a deep breath to the count of

three. Exhale on the count of three. Now
visualize yourself taking care of the task.

 Each time the seducer tries to lure you

away from your goal, let it fade into the
background as you bring to mind the task
that you want to accomplish.

Once the task is complete, you’ll feel like the class

president instead of the smoker in the back of the building.

58
 — 17 —

rogue thoughts

m ost people have experienced an occasional bizarre

thought totally unrelated to what is happening
in the moment. You might be talking to your boss, and
then unexpectedly picture her head exploding. Or, out of
nowhere, you might picture poking your friend in her eye
in the middle of a nice conversation over a cup of tea. You’re
sitting quietly at a dinner party, and then have the thought
that you’re going to say something incredibly shameful,
embarrassing yourself and your innocent spouse.
In fact, 90 percent of people have rogue thoughts—
blasphemous, sexually inappropriate, harming, etc. These
thoughts might be dark, violent or destructive, and you’re

59
not even aware of having this kind of intent. You might
wonder, “What kind of person am I to have a thought like
that?” Remember, a thought is just a thought. Notice that you
haven’t actually ever acted on one of these rogue thoughts.
They come to your mind for an instant or two and then pass.
Rogue thoughts never lead to action. That’s because there’s
a difference between a thought and an impulse. An impulse
usually has a motivation behind it—you want that drink, or
you want to buy those shoes. Whereas a thought, especially
a rogue thought, does not have motivation behind it. You
don’t really want to poke your friend in the eye or make a
spectacle of yourself at a party.
Remember a rogue thought you’ve had in the past.
Now hold that thought in your mind. Notice that it has no
power to do anything. It’s just a thought, not a reality. Thank
your mind for that weird thought, and see if you might even
enjoy how amazing and unusual it is.

60
 — 18 —

the thought storm

t he rule of the brainstorm is that no idea is stupid.

Everyone has the right to offer their opinion and to
throw out a suggestion that might help the group achieve
their goal. The key is to first identify the goal of the group.
Otherwise, how can you tell which opinion serves the group
best? If there’s no goal, then the discussion is one without a
point in mind. No brainstorm thoughts are realized during
the brainstorm; they are merely heard. Everyone offers an
idea of what you might do, what you could do, and how you
might do it. Some listen and just ponder what the others say.
Each person has their own function as part of the group.
One may be the conservative who warns against risky ven-

61
tures. Another may be inspired and passionate and lead the
group in new directions, perhaps without caution.
Imagine your mind functions like a brainstorming
session. There are a bunch of well-meaning ideas being
tossed around. Some are meant to protect you from pain,
some to help you get a task done, and others want growth
and progress. Imagine that you could hear the ideas in your
mind as if each one was the voice of reason at a brainstorm-
ing session. Since none are yet literal truths and still in
the idea phase, step back and just listen objectively to each
opinion before buying into a specific thought as the way to
get where you want to be.
Let’s say you’re single, invited to a party, and have a
hard time meeting people. Suddenly, the brainstorm is in
session. Each member has a different idea.

“I don’t know how to get there anyway.”

“Well, I could Mapquest it or get a ride with a

friend.”

“No one’s going to talk to me, why bother?”

“I look too unattractive right now.”

“But I want to meet people! I haven’t socialized in

over three months!”

62
 How would you choose which idea to listen to? They’re
all reasonable, after all. Some will give you instant relief
from your anxiety about going. Others help you get closer
to what you want, which is to meet someone.
Now, think of something you have been wanting and
also debating mentally.
Ask yourself:

 What do I really want?

 Is this going to help me get closer to what

is important to me?

 Are there thoughts that mean well and

also serve to keep me from moving
forward?

 Can I listen to the different ideas as if

they are all well-intentioned and still
choose what’s best for me at this time in
my life?

63
 — 19 —

bossy thoughts

y ou don’t want to let your thoughts boss you around,

because sometimes thoughts are being just that—
bossy. They tell you what to do, like a big bully in the
schoolyard.
Thoughts driven by anxiety can feel bossy. Anxiety
wants to get its way. If you are about to go out with a new
group of friends with whom you’re not entirely comfortable,
your bossy thoughts might try and stop you from hanging
out. They start poking and prodding you to stay home, dis-
engage, and just watch TV where it’s nice and safe on the
couch. The anxiety comes on strong, just like that school-
yard bully. At first you may cower. But you have a choice.

64
You can think about those thoughts as if they are just being
bossy and not as something that has to direct your actual
behavior.
If a bossy thought is standing in the way of something
you want to do, or something you know would be good for
you, take the following steps:

 When those bossy thoughts start coming

on, first stop and recognize, “These are
bossy thoughts!”

 Next, consider other reasons that you

want your experience, even with those
bossy thoughts chattering away in your
mind.

 Notice the thought, but choose your

actions. Do you truly want to change your
behavior because of a thought?

 Is buying into this thought more

important, or saying, “Oh, I’m going
to have this thought and do something
different anyway,” or “I’m going to,
because I choose to experience this
situation, and see where it might lead”?

65
 — 20 —

stale bread

s ometimes we hang onto thoughts that are as stale

and hard as last week’s baguette. For instance, maybe
you’ve been having the same thought for years (“I can’t do
new things,” or “Why would anyone at the party like me?”).
Take stock of the stale bread thoughts inventory in
the cupboard of your mind. In your journal, write down
at least five thoughts that you’ve harbored for years. Use
thoughts that you know don’t serve you. If you think of one
that haunts you now, work with that one. Let’s say you got
hurt in a past relationship, and the thought that stuck with
you is, “Men/women aren’t safe.” It’s a thought that made
sense at that time in the past. You got hurt, and you want to

66
prevent it from happening again. But is that thought going
to keep you from pain? Will adhering to that thought keep
from opening your eyes to what it’s like to experience close-
ness with someone now? Make a commitment to catch that
thought as it occurs now, and note, “There’s my stale bread
thought. It’s keeping me in the prison of my past. It’s not a
reflection of what is happening here, today.”

67
 — 21 —

you are not a thought

a thought is just words. Our minds tend to take words

literally, and before we know it, the words of a thought
become truth in our mind. If we can begin to notice that
a thought is just words, we will take our thoughts less
seriously.
Let’s start with the word “spider.” When you think
“spider,” what does it look like in your mind? Can you see it
crawling? You may even feel a little anxious if spiders scare
you in real life. You don’t even have to see the spider in order
for it to scare you, because just thinking something can
make you feel as if you are experiencing the “real thing.”

68
 Imagine yourself going to work naked. Picture your-
self walking through the front door of the office with no
clothes on, and imagine the expressions on the faces of your
coworkers. Does this image make you blush or cringe, as if
you had really just gone to work naked? The mind is a pow-
erful manufacturer of reality! But reality is not always what
you think.
Right now, bring to mind a negative word that you
think about yourself, like “unattractive,” or “boring.” Does
it feel like a word, or does it feel true? This may sound crazy,
but go and find a sticky label that you can attach to the front
of your shirt. It will need to work as a nametag. Think of one
negative word that describes something you don’t like about
yourself. Maybe sometimes you feel like a “big mouth,” a
“fake,” “stupid,” “fearful,” or “anxious.” Whatever the word
is, write it down on your label and stick it to your jacket or
shirt. Today, it’s your nametag.
Notice that it’s a word. These awful feelings you have
about yourself are just a word, a name, a label you’ve given
yourself. It’s not the truth, or the only real thing about you.
If someone in your family sees it and asks, “What the hell
is that?” hopefully you can begin to even laugh at the one
silly word.

69
 — 22 —

just because you think it,

doesn’t make it so

c lose your eyes and sit in silence for one minute. What
goes through your mind? Did you worry about what
you have to do at work tomorrow? Did you wonder if your
kids were doing their homework? When you opened your
eyes, had anything different actually happened in that
minute? Mostly likely, nothing happened. You’re still sitting
in the same room, and your worries and ideas have not yet
changed anything. You haven’t done any of those tasks you
need to do for work. You haven’t asked your child to do her/
his homework. What if a good friend called you, and you

70
ended up talking for an hour? You’d forget you’d even had
those thoughts. They’d vanish into the past.
When you realize how transitory thoughts can be,
perhaps even difficult ones can lose some of their hold over
you. They aren’t any stronger than others, they’re not made
of different chemicals in your mind, and even if they were, it
wouldn’t matter. You can still learn that even when you have
a thought, you can behave differently from the thought. If
you said to yourself right now, “I’m a genius,” would you
suddenly be a genius?
Now think of three things to tell yourself that you
don’t like about yourself, like:

“I’m lazy.”

“I’m fat.”

“I don’t know how to change.”

Does having the thought, “I’m lazy,” make you instantly

lazy? Or can you still get up when the alarm goes off, have
coffee, and go to work for eight hours?
You can think, “I’m fat,” even though your doctor told
you at your last physical that you’re in great shape.
You can hop up and down on the couch and think,
“I’m sitting on the couch.”

71
 You can think, “I’m so boring!” and still plan a fun date
with your husband by calling the theater, buying tickets,
and getting a babysitter for the night.
Try these exercises:

 Make a list of typical thoughts like these

that you have. These are self-deprecating
thoughts you tell yourself about a love
relationship, a friendship, or about
yourself.

 Make a point of having one of those

thoughts, and then deliberately do
something that goes beyond that thought.
Do something that is the opposite of that
thought.

 When you’ve done that, look back over

your list, and try out a few more over the
next week. This puts distance between you
and that thought, and maybe the thought
will even start to dissolve.

72
 — 23 —

rainy day acceptance

m ost of us have had the experience of having a great

day all planned out, only to wake up to the sound
of rain. At first, we struggle with it, even argue with it, think-
ing maybe it’ll clear up. It wasn’t supposed to rain after all.
Soon we realize, well, it’s raining, and no amount of frus-
tration is going to stop the water from falling from the sky.
So, we have to change our plans. We cancel the picnic, or
the drive out to the beach, and we decide to do something
different—something that matters to us, but that isn’t what
we’d originally intended.
You might have thoughts that are like rain from time
to time—thoughts that you really don’t want to be having.

73
You don’t want to think something negative about your new
job, or be pessimistic about a date. But try as you may, the
rainy thoughts keep pouring in and soaking your attitude.
You can choose to do something different than what
your rainy thoughts have planned for you. Instead of caving
in to the negativity or dismal outlook, rearrange your plans.
Take action towards something you know you want to
experience even with the rain of thoughts. This is the fabu-
lous choice that you have—to change a course of action and
go for it anyway. Perhaps you’re pessimistic about a work
meeting. While you recap all of the miserable meetings
you’ve been to, follow through on this one, and carry your
rainy thoughts along as you get dressed, answer the door,
and step into the world.

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 — 24 —

the one-track mind

o ccasionally it can feel like no matter how hard you

try, you cannot get a particular thought out of your
mind. It might be a worry thought that your mind plays
over and over by waking you up in the middle of the night,
or distracting you at work. Perhaps you exchanged angry
words with a friend or family member that left you full of
unresolved emotions. It might also be a fear thought, like
a phobic response to something you know you have to do,
such as speaking in public, taking an airplane, or going to a
social event.
The thought might even feel obsessive, as it became
the dominant mode, overshadowing whatever else may

75
have actually been happening. It’s hard to notice what other
experiences may be occurring when you have a one-track
mind, but that doesn’t have to be true.
You have a choice and a skill you can learn. The choice
is to learn to pay attention to other sensations, feelings, and
even other thoughts when your mind feels stuck on some-
thing fearful, negative, judgmental, or distracting. The skill
is mindfulness. Mindfulness can help you become aware of
the thought that is bothering you, as well as other experi-
ences that are true. For instance, if you are having a fear
thought, you can take a moment to notice what else is going
on for you. You might look up at the sky, and notice the
clouds, or the light or the darkness of a night sky. It’s like
taking off thought blinders, and looking around at what else
there is. You can open your mind and your awareness.
If you currently have a thought that is plaguing you,
bring that thought to mind for the mindfulness exercise
below. If you don’t have a thought that’s bothering you right
now, just practice the mindfulness exercise with a previ-
ous preoccupation. Or simply practice mindfulness so that
when you do have that one-track-mind experience, you will
more readily remember that you have a skill to use. Read the
exercise several times, so that you can then close your eyes
and move through it on your own. Spend anywhere from
five minutes to an hour, or whatever feels comfortable to
practice experiencing what is happening here and now.

76
 Sit comfortably on a chair or lie on your
bed.

 Take three deep breaths in this position.

 Simply notice if the dominant thought or

any other thought comes to mind. Don’t
judge the thought as right or wrong.

 Notice while having this thought, that

other experiences are also happening as
your body rests in this position. Feel the
way your body is contacting the chair or
bed. Does the bedding feel soft under your
weight? How does the seat of the chair feel
beneath your bottom? How does the back
of the chair feel supporting your back?

 Scan your body from head to toe,

spending at least five breaths on a
different body part as you move your
way down toward your feet. Begin with
your head. Can you feel any tension
in your face, brow, or jaw? Take three
breaths here. Now feel your neck and
shoulders. Are the muscles starting to
relax with each breath? If they aren’t,
just notice and move on to your chest and
abdomen. Are your chest and stomach

77
 rising with each breath? Now keep moving
down your body, noticing each part,
and observing any aches or pains or
pleasurable sensations. Keep moving on
with awareness of another body part until
you’ve reached your toes.

 Now, notice any emotions you are feeling.

Is there more than one? For instance, you
may feel both scared and excited. Notice
that as you feel one emotion, it may
change as you focus upon it. Notice the
other thoughts that surface in addition
to the dominant one. Pay attention to the
other thoughts for a moment, then shift
back to the dominant one and notice if it
has changed at all.

By the end of the exercise, you will have become aware

of other sensations, thoughts, or feelings that you have in
addition to the one-track thought.

78
 — 25 —

bringing a thought into

your awareness

l et’s say you have a thought that you are avoiding, a

thought you are scared to have because it might bring
up certain emotions. We have intense as well as mundane
kinds of thoughts that we avoid. For instance, have you ever
had a little pain in your tooth, but just didn’t want to call
the dentist? You kind of knew you needed to think about it,
but you just kept putting it on the back burner. You avoided
it. Avoiding a thought does not make a thought disappear.
Those more important to your well-being can fester until
they become an underlying anxiety or sadness in your life.

79
As you release all of the energy it takes to keep them at bay,
the simple act of bringing these thoughts into your aware-
ness can send a sigh of relief through your whole being.
Now, find a quiet place where you can sit comfortably
for at least five minutes and try this exercise:

 Spend a moment searching your mind for

a thought you’ve been struggling to avoid
and bring it into your awareness.

 Just notice if other thoughts immediately

occur, as distractions or because they are
connected to the first thought.

 Allow those other thoughts to just happen,

and then let them move on.

 Bring the original thought back into focus.

 Take a few deep breaths with the thought

in your mind.

 Observe the thought without trying to

change it, argue with it, or minimize it.

 Let it be what it is—a thought.

 Imagine it almost as a friend, or

someone you would just listen to without
judgment.

80
 Notice that your mind is having the
thought, and at the same time you are
able to witness the thought as just a
thought.

 Notice that you are not your thoughts,

that you are the observer self that is
watching a thought.

 Notice that the thought in and of itself is

not harmful or unfriendly.

 Now take a good five minutes to breathe,

and let that thought be. Give it some
airtime. Maybe all it needs is to be set
free.

81
 — 26 —

looking for f laws

y ou’d think that after having been with you all your
life, your mind would be your friend, your trustwor-
thy companion, and here to look out for your interests. The
truth is your mind is doing its job according to what it’s
been taught so far. Your mind experienced your history and
it shares your memories. It’s possible that your mind devel-
oped a safety plan to keep you from harm, which worked
at some point early on. For example, suppose your parents
criticized you in an effort to make you perform “better” in
life. They believed that by pointing out flaws, they could
help you become perfect, or near perfect. They believed
that pointing out your flaws served you well—that it was

82
the only way to help you grow and compete in this dog-eat-
dog world. You accepted that because that is how you got
approval, and maybe even love.
Your mind listened and responded by taking on that
role for you. Now, when you achieve something, or receive
praise, your mind automatically jumps at this opportunity
to make you “better” by pointing you in the direction of per-
fection. Your mind has become so narrow that it can only
hear and search for imperfections. It’s lost sight of the goal,
and what was that again? Oh, to be perfect.
Do you want simply to do well in life, to be loved, and
to feel connected to others? Do you want to have compas-
sion for your imperfections, and to be able to see them as
opportunities for growth? If these don’t resonate, take a
moment to consider your own values. What is important?
Would you like to feel love and acceptance for yourself?
Would it feel good to be able to accept that sometimes you
do things well, and are deserving of praise?
Do you remember the last time your boss, a good
friend, or your spouse expressed how well you’re doing?
What happens when you hear those positive words? Does
your mind quickly think of reasons that they may not be
true, or how another negative quality overshadows the posi-
tive one? To what is that inner critical voice in service? Is it
helping you? If you compare yourself to some unrealistic
ideal, you may just die before you’ve reached it.

83
 Consider that this tendency to spotlight failures and
flaws is keeping you from what is important to you and
what you might crave: love, compassion, and self-accep-
tance. Take a moment to consider how it would feel to have
someone give you positive feedback. In this moment, hear
the positive words in your mind. When your mind starts
feeding you the negative counterthoughts, just notice them
happening and let them be. They’re just chatter—more pit
bull stuff. For what is that really of service? Is it in the service
of your interests, or of what is important to you? Now hear
those positive words again in your mind, and let them in.

84
 — 27 —

thoughts like stars

a continuous part of you has existed for your entire

life. This deeper part of yourself has been present and
enduring throughout all of the pain, the joy, the growth, and
the struggles you’ve experienced. It’s called your “observer
self.” In everyday life, you tend to live from your thoughts,
as if you are your thoughts. However, a subtle but power-
ful shift occurs when you realize you can learn to witness
thoughts as if they were stars in the galaxy. It is your observ-
ing self that is the galaxy holding the stars.
Take a few minutes to sit somewhere comfortable and
take a few deep breaths. If your chest is rising and falling,
focus on getting the breath to go deeper in your abdomen,

85
so that your stomach rises and falls with each breath. Next,
remember something that happened to you on your last
birthday. Can you see what you were wearing? Were you
with friends or were you alone? Were you celebrating, or
working late that night? As you remember that day, can you
notice that you—the person who is sitting here now—were
there, experiencing that day? Just as you are able to sit here
now and recall that day, your observing self is able to expe-
rience the present moment. That is, just as you can remem-
ber who you were last year, you can also observe who you
are now. All that you feel, think, and do is observable when
you step back into the seat of the witness. The observer self
looks at the thoughts your beautiful mind produces and
sees them for what they are—just memories, images, and
ideas. Nothing more; nothing less.

86
 — 28 —

chain gang

t houghts run in packs. Rather than show up as individual

ideas, they’re often part of a group. Here’s how it works.
Let’s say you made a mistake. Suddenly every experience in
your whole life that resembles that mistake automatically
gets linked to it. Your mind makes the association and trots
out memories of these previous errors, one after another.
One screw-up becomes the first link in a long chain of
similar memories.
Our mind sorts every experience by categories. If you
have a big box of experiences labeled “got rejected,” then
every new rejection tends to trigger memories of the others.

87
For each new rejection, you go through the whole box, scene
by scene, until you’re thoroughly depressed.
Because each life experience is linked to many others
that have the same theme or emotional tone, we often find
ourselves stuck on a chain gang. We get hit with one painful
memory after another. And no amount of regret or struggle
to escape sets us free.
Getting off the chain gang requires two things. The
first is to observe the chaining process, to really see each
link that holds us to our pain. The second is to turn our
attention to the here and now. Mindfulness breaks obses-
sive chains by focusing on the simple human experiences
that make up our lives.
So let’s make our escape. Right now, focus on one of
the following:

 A worry that seems to lead to a whole

sequence of catastrophic events.

 A failure that somehow feels connected to

other mistakes from the past.

 A loss that feels a part of a matrix of

similar losses.

 A judgment or offensive comment that

reminds you of similar experiences (either
with the same person or others).

88
 Now observe the chain of thoughts. Notice how one
leads to another. See how each thought or memory has a
“piling on” effect that intensifies your distress. Just keep
watching one thought slip into the next; observe your sub-
jective sense of heaviness, as the chain grows longer.
Now shift your attention to your breath. Let the chain
go as you feel the air slip down your throat and into your
lungs. Feel your diaphragm stretch, feel the release as you
begin to exhale. Notice that the chain gang thoughts may
be pushing to get in. Notice that your mind may even want
to embrace these thoughts.
Keep attending to your breath. Even as chain gang
thoughts pull you away, bring your attention back to your
breathing. Stay with the feeling in your throat, lungs, and
diaphragm. As new thoughts appear, notice them and
return to your breath. Your body and your breathing are a
safe harbor in that old chain gang life.

89
 — 29 —

move your feet

o ften, a thought starts in your head and travels to your

feet. You think something, and then before you know
it, you end up doing it. This can be an automatic phenom-
enon. It’s important to notice that you have the ultimate
power of choice. What will your feet do when your head has
a thought?
First, spend an hour, or even the day, noticing when
a thought leads to an action, or when it does not. Start by
noticing the simple innocuous thoughts like, “I’m thirsty,”
which leads to you to getting up, going to the sink, and
getting a glass of water. The thought traveled from your

90
head to your feet, which then carried you to the sink. Or,
you have the thought, “I don’t want to go to school today.”
But you get up and go to school anyway.
Then, there are thoughts that can become like road-
blocks. Just notice these too. “I need to exercise, but I could
just go visit my friend on the way home tonight and maybe
have a drink.” Notice that these thoughts often have the word
“but” in them. What actions follow that kind of thought?
What do you actually do after having such a thought? In
this case, you end up shifting back to your value and asking
your friend to go for a walk instead of having a drink.
Consider fear thoughts. Begin to notice that when you
feel nervous about something, you might have a thought or
urge that helps you ease the fear. For instance, you have the
thought, “I’m nervous about my boyfriend’s mother coming
to dinner.” Next thing you know, you have the urge to do
some online shopping, which might ease the tension. You
can have this impulse and do something different. Rather
than distracting yourself, you can instead choose to start
reading through cookbooks to help prepare for your visit.
In a journal, or on a piece of paper, write down at least
ten different thoughts you have that lead to actions. Start
to recognize that thoughts travel from your head to your
toes, if you let them. Now ask yourself this important ques-
tion: Must this be so? Do thoughts automatically have to

91
travel from head to toes? The goal is to become aware of
choice. You have choice over where your feet go, and which
thoughts you want directing your actions.

92
 PART III

~
stop believing
everything
you think
f or your whole life, your mind has been chattering away.
And you’ve been listening to it as if your mind were the
Oracle at Delphi, as if it spoke only truth. Your mind has
called you hurtful names, told you what people think of
you, and shown you terrifying pictures of what is to come.
You know now that your mind can’t help it. No matter
what, your mind is going to keep thinking. You can’t make
your mind better behaved; you can only change your rela-
tionship to it. Instead of taking every thought as gospel, you
can choose to stop believing everything you think. This
section of the book will teach you to watch your mind from
a distance, to observe—without believing or rejecting—a
stream of thoughts.
Why not work on changing your negative or unpro-
ductive thoughts to more positive ones? Because, when you
try to change a thought, you’re still in the trenches doing
battle with your thought. When you simply observe your
thoughts, you’re declaring a truce. You and your thoughts
can peacefully coexist.
No matter how certain your mind seems to be, a
thought is just a thought. It isn’t reality, and it isn’t your
enemy. The exercises you’re about to experience are going
to help you enjoy your mind while taking it much less
seriously.

94
 — 30 —

labeling thoughts

h aving a thought and being a thought are not the same.

It’s like the difference between having a pile of dishes
in the sink and being a mess. Or having made a mistake
versus being a failure. Thoughts are temporary and ephem-
eral. They occur during a moment in time, and often get
erased a second later.
This is important: Thoughts are not real; they’re not a
thing. They’re literally nothing. They are phantasms; they
are bridges, living just long enough to get us to the next
thought. We will have millions of thoughts in our lifetime,
most of which we’ll immediately forget, and none of which
define who we really are.

95
 When the Buddha was a young man, he learned some-
thing that would be a wellspring for everything he later
taught. Gautama Siddhartha discovered that thoughts are
the source of suffering when we believe them, when we
take them seriously, and when we mistake them for what
is real and true. Only when we recognize the delusion that
thoughts and reality are the same thing, only when we
begin to detach and gain distance from our thoughts, can
true peace be found.
One way to stop being your thoughts is to simply label
them for what they are.
“I’m having the thought that John is mad at me.”
“I’m having the thought that a storm is coming.”
“I’m having a thought that I need to change
careers.”
“I’m having a thought that I’m not attractive.”
When you label your thoughts in this way, it’s easier
to realize that they aren’t necessarily true. Each thought is
merely a link in the long chain of your conscious life. Right
now, do this exercise:

 As each thought forms in your mind,

describe it by saying to yourself, “I am
having the thought that . . .”

96
  Keep going until you begin to feel a little
detached from your thinking and the
thoughts themselves seem slightly less
important.

Use this exercise whenever you’re troubled by worries

or self-judgment, and you need a little perspective.
Remember—thoughts aren’t identity; they aren’t
reality. They’re no-thing. They are just . . . thoughts.

97
 — 31 —

the fishing boats

i magine that you are on a bridge overlooking a harbor.

Behind you is the open sea; before you a narrow channel
is bordered by wharfs and gaily painted buildings. Further
up channel, it broadens, and you can see in the distance
many small docks. Some are empty; some hold fishing boats
with their high twin poles used for casting nets.
It’s dawn. In the half-light the boats are starting to head
for the sea. A ragged procession of fishing craft is sputter-
ing down channel, and passing under your bridge. Some are
larger, some narrow and fragile looking. Some are wooden
with peeling blue paint, some are a bright white, and some
are metal with gun-­colored hulls.

98
 As the boats approach, single file, you can see them
sway slightly. The windows of their cabins catch the early
light and flash bright orange for a moment.
These boats are your thoughts, coming one after the
other. Some are bigger and brighter than others. Some you
hardly notice before they pass beneath you on the bridge.
Though some may catch your eye and your attention, they’re
just a string of thoughts with none more important than
the other. They appear, are briefly noticed, and pass out of
sight. Watch your thoughts move, like the painted boats,
slowly but inevitably out of awareness. As soon as one is
gone, another boat or another thought takes its place. And
then it, too, is gone. No more significant, no more impor-
tant than any other.
You let them pass beneath you—and go. One at a time,
briefly watching and letting them disappear. The sun is
coming up, glinting off the ripples and the wakes. It warms
you.

99
 — 32 —

letting go of judgments

m any carnivals and county fairs have an attraction

called Pitch-and-Dunk. A man sits on a narrow
seat above a tank of cold water. He hurls insults at the
crowd, who, in turn, buy the right to pitch three baseballs at
a target. If a ball hits the target, Big Mouth’s seat collapses
and he’s dunked. Our judgment thoughts are like that—the
more we aim them at others, the more likely they are to turn
around and give us a cold dunking.
It’s time to learn how to use mindfulness to free your-
self from the power of judgment. We’ll start by focusing
on your judgments about others, and then work on self-
attacks.

100
 To begin, bring your attention to your breath. Observe
the feeling of the cool air in your throat, the rise and fall
of your chest, the stretching of your diaphragm, and the
release as you exhale.
Now visualize a person you don’t like. Form a clear
impression of their face and posture; try to hear the per-
son’s voice. As judgmental thoughts take shape in your
mind, notice and then let them go. Put each thought on a
leaf floating down a stream. Watch as it drifts around the
bend and out of sight. Do the same with the next thought
and the next. Keep this up for at least three minutes.
Refocus on your breathing. Now visualize a recent event
in which you were upset and someone behaved in a way that
felt wrong, dangerous, or foolish. Get a clear mental picture
of what happened and what was said. Again, as judgmental
thoughts rise in your mind, watch briefly and let go of them.
Let them float away on a leaf and out of sight.
Return your attention to your breath. Now imagine
yourself standing naked in the mirror. Visualize a part of
your body that you don’t like. Listen for judgments, and
don’t get caught in them. Put them on the leaf and let them
drift out of sight.
One last time, attend to your breath. Now create a
mental image of something you once did but now regret. As
the scene comes into focus, and you watch the event unfold,

101
notice your thoughts. Then place each thought on a leaf and
let it go.
If you like how mindfulness helps you feel during
storms of judgment, we encourage you to do this exercise
each time you catch yourself playing Pitch-and-Dunk.

102
 — 33 —

draw your thoughts

i magine one of your scary thoughts turned into a big

gorilla hulking over a thimble-sized version of you. How
would picturing a thought that way change your relation-
ship to it? This exercise—turning thoughts into pictures—is
a way to soften the impact of your thoughts and give your-
self a bit more distance from them.
Right now, we’d like you to recall several thoughts
you’ve had in the last week or two that had some emotional
punch. Select:

 A thought that scared you.

103
  A thought that made you feel bad about
yourself (unworthy, ashamed, guilty).

 A thought that irritated you.

Write each thought down at the top of a separate piece

of paper. Now draw the thought. If you have any, use crayons
or colored pencils. Otherwise, black or blue ink is fine.
When drawing a thought, you could turn it into an
animal, a locomotive, a tree, a whining baby, an angry
old man shaking his cane, a snow-capped mountain, your
mother, a crashing wave, a big pile of cumulus, railroad
tracks converging toward the horizon, a merry-go-round, a
broken doll, or anything. You’re looking for a metaphor—an
object that represents some aspect of your thought. It could
reflect the power or persistence of the thought, its size, or
where it comes from. It could represent its depth or arbi-
trariness. Have fun with this. Be creative.
Now consider doing one more thing with the picture.
You might try adding yourself. How big are you relative to
the thought? How close or far away are you? Are you turning
your back, embracing it, or being enveloped by the thought?
If you’ve added yourself to the picture, here’s a ques-
tion: Is this where you want to be relative to the thought?
Would you like to be bigger? Stronger? Farther away? Go
ahead and redraw the picture with yourself at the size and
distance you want to be.

104
 — 34 —

say it again, sam

w 
e all have thoughts that thunder into our minds like
a runaway train. Big, heavy, irresistible.

I’m stupid (or ugly, or a loser).

 I’m losing my job.

 I screwed up.

 She doesn’t care about me.

We never question them because they seem so true

and right; they seem to fit so neatly into what we’ve always
believed. We just get run over by them. Cognitive scien-

105
tists call them automatic thoughts because these show up
with a will of their own. They leave a wake of shame, fear,
or defeat.
One amazingly simple way to reduce the power of
automatic thoughts is to repeat them. Out loud. It’s called
Titchener’s Repetition, and it’s based on the discovery
that if we just keep saying something—about fifty to one
hundred times—it loses all meaning and the power to hurt
us. No matter how menacing the thought is when you start,
it becomes absurd or silly as you keep saying it.
Okay, let’s do it and see what happens. Sometime in
the last hour you had a thought that bothered you. It might
have been a “what if” worry, or something that made you
feel bad about yourself. Whatever it was, reduce it to one or
two words, and say them out loud right now. Keep saying
them at least fifty times or until you stop feeling anything
about them. Sooner or later, they will lose their power
because they will lose all significance. They will become
mere words; nothing you have to buy or believe.
Notice that part of the power of automatic thoughts
lies in their secrecy and in your effort to avoid them. When
you do the exact opposite by saying a thought often and
out loud, it becomes no more important than an oft-heard
commercial on the radio. They become words so boring and
mundane, you’ve stopped listening.

106
 — 35 —

songs and silly voices

i magine if you sang your critical, self-attacking thoughts

to the tune of “Happy Birthday.”
I am a big fool,
I am a big fool,
I am a big fo-ol,
And an i-di-ot too.
Suppose you kept singing it till the words lost all sting,
till “fool” and “idiot” seemed no more hurtful than words
like “travel” or “rhododendron.”
Do it now. Take the last upsetting thing your mind
said and put it to music. Use some familiar—even silly—
107
tune and turn your thoughts into lyrics. Let’s take “Home
on the Range,” for example:
Why, why do I fail
while my friends and ex-lovers succeed?
Or the Beatles’ “Yesterday”:
Every day, all I ever do is make mistakes.
There’s disaster hanging over me . . .
Or “Row Your Boat”:
Screw, screw, screw it up
Every single day.
Hate my job, hate my job, hate my job,
Hate my job—
But I have to stay.
Or “Frère Jacques”:
I am stupid.
I am stupid.
Can you see?
Can you see?
The idea is to put some of your persecutory thoughts
into a different context. As songs, they can take on a mocking,

108
light-hearted tone. Instead of feeling so ­important and true,
they begin to seem a little absurd and a bit over-done.
Another fun way to look at your painful thoughts from
a distance is to say them with silly voices.

 Try talking like Donald Duck to describe

one of your flaws.

 Or be Blanche DuBois­—“Ah have always

destroyed every chance that was given to
me.”

 Or use a newscaster voice—“At one of San

Francisco’s largest department stores,      
(your name) bought something useless
and overpriced today.”

 Or be a “damsel in distress,” describing

something you worry about. “Oh no (in a
high-pitched voice), I’m never going to . . .”

No matter how sharp or harsh your thoughts might

be, songs and silly voices are a great way to soften them.

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 — 36 —

the thought scramble

e ver played a word scramble in the newspaper? This

exercise requires a piece of paper and pen. We’re going
to play a word scramble. What do the letters below spell?
RFEA
Did you get it? It spells “fear.” We just took the letters
from the word, put them in a different order, and suddenly,
we took the fear out of fear. Now recall a fear thought you
might have, such as, “I’m scared to go in an elevator.” Write
it down, first as a normal sentence. Notice how the “fear”
emotion you have is actually a series of words. When you

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get close to the elevator, your heart races, and you think the
same words in this order.
Now, write down the same sentence completely out
of order. It might look like, “Go an I’m scared elevator in
to.” Say this new sentence to yourself ten times in a row.
Does the scrambled sentence elicit fear in you? Now, write
a scramble for a situation you fear. Keep the scramble in
your wallet. Next time you approach something with that
fear, take out your scramble, and say it to yourself, replacing
your actual fear sentence. What happens to the meaning of
the words when you do that? And what happens to your fear
when you do that?

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 — 37 —

the paperweight

s ome thoughts can press on your mind like a paper-

weight. They have the effect of holding you down. Some
will make you feel physically heavy, perhaps even a bit dark
and moody. These kinds of thoughts may come up in your
mind as statements like, “Why me?” Or, “ I don’t know if
I can handle this!” Thoughts about responsibility can feel
like this, as can an illness we have to endure. There could
very well be issues you are facing that bring on the heavy
thoughts that weigh down all others. The papers beneath
the weight may even have positive content. Why not just
look underneath the weight, let out all that is there, and
watch it all without taking sides?

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 Find a quiet place where you can sit quietly for at least
five minutes. Consider specific thoughts in which the con-
tents carry a certain amount of heaviness. Visualize that
thought as a paperweight such as a large crystal, or a dark
stone like a piece of granite. You don’t need to lift the paper-
weight or remove it. All you need to do is realize that certain
thoughts carry this kind of gravity. But just let them be what
they are—paperweights. So, say to yourself, “I’m having the
thought that I’m sort of down at the moment.” Just notice
the thought, and accept that it is present in your mind.
Now, also consider something that is important to you,
something that exists alongside the paperweight thought.
For instance, “I want to spend some time with my daughter
tonight, maybe read a book to her after dinner.” Visualize
the action you’d like to take. Choose a time and place that
you want to take the action, and allow that to guide what
you decide to do with your time at some point in the day
or night. Remember that paperweight thoughts can rest
heavily on your mind, but you can still take action to do
what matters to you, not by removing the paperweight, but
by being aware of its existence and taking action anyway.

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 — 38 —

pop-up thoughts

m ost of us have had the experience of having really

excellent, center row seats at a play, concert, or
dance performance. You are excited all week and looking
forward to the experience. Then, you’re there, sitting close
to the stage, and eager for the talent to take form before
your eyes. The curtain rises, and the music begins. Within
five minutes, your mind is roaming and jumping from
thought to thought like a Mexican jumping bean. You
worry and think, “Did I turn off the stove?” You plan for
tomorrow, “First, I’ll go for a run; and then I’ll get breakfast
going. Before I leave for work, I can quickly log on and pay

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the bills.” Then, “Jesus! I’m here at the theater. I want to be
here, now.”
Sometimes your mind is mindless. It wanders, and it
arrives at thoughts you don’t even want to be having. You
think you just want to pay attention and enjoy the show, and
then you realize there are pop-up thoughts just like those
pop-up ads on the Internet. Fine, let the thought pop up,
and then, catch the fact that your mind is producing the
thoughts. Watch the thoughts coming, fast, and let them
be there. You decide whether or not to read what’s in each
window. Don’t get involved with them. Just remind your-
self you’re having pop-up thoughts, an automatic stream of
consciousness. You don’t have to read them. Just recognize
them for what they are, and click back on the performance.

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 — 39 —

well of sorrow

l ife throws a lot at us. From the moment at birth when they
slap us on the bottom all the way to the last medical pro-
cedures to sustain our lives, we have to deal with pain. Life is
full of sadness, hurt, shame, fear, and loss. On top of all the
unavoidable pain, we often end up heaping more on ourselves
with our thoughts. We endure hard times, and then flog our-
selves with judgments for what we did wrong. Or we specu-
late about what bad things might happen in the future.
It’s as if the ordinary pain of life were not enough. We
have to think about it, evaluate it, and make sense of it. And
all that thinking seems to do one thing—turn our ­necessary,
inescapable struggles into a deeper kind of suffering. We end

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up dealing with far more than our original loss or fear, because
our thoughts act as a psychological bullhorn. They amplify and
repeat everything. They keep blaring that we’re stupid and no
good, or create nightmare scenarios of what might befall us.
Here’s something to consider: While the pain of life
must be accepted, the add-on suffering caused by our
thoughts is not necessary. What if our thoughts were
nothing more than drops falling into a well of sorrow? What
if our thoughts were momentary—forming and falling into
the darkness, sensed only briefly before we let them go?
Do this exercise:

 Observe your thoughts. Notice each one as

it forms and takes shape.

 Then let it fall into the well of sorrow.

Hear the tiny splash as each thought hits
the water far below and disappears.

 It’s a three-step process: notice, hear

the splash, and let go. Do that for a
few minutes and observe how your
relationship to your thoughts changes. Do
they still seem as important, as powerful?
Do they have the same influence on your
emotional life?

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 — 40 —

white room meditation

i magine you are in a medium-sized white room. There

are no furnishings or decorations of any kind—just the
bare walls. There’s an open front door and open back door
to the room, and darkness beyond the doors.
You can position yourself anywhere—floating in a
corner or up near the ceiling. In a moment, with a little
patience, the white room can become a place where you will
learn to accept your mind.
Now imagine that your thoughts are entering the
room. They come in from the darkness beyond the front
door, one at a time, and leave by the back. Give each thought
an image. You might start by visualizing them as bulked up

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Mafiosi in Stetsons and overcoats. Then try other images.
For instance, make your thoughts into:

 Somersaulting circus clowns

 Walking broomsticks (like in Fantasia)

 Flying crows

 Stuffed shirts in a row

 Seals rocking along on their flippers

 Dancing razor blades

 Waddling penguins

When you get bored with one image, move to another.

As soon as a new thought enters your mind, bring in a new
Mafioso or broomstick or crow through the front door.
Now here’s something important: As each thought
presents itself, neither resists nor get attached to it. Let it
make its way through the room and out the back where it
disappears in the darkness. Be a mere witness—sometimes
laughing and never judging. Just observe until the individ-
ual thoughts begin to lose their importance, and you feel a
growing detachment from them. In the white room you can
accept your thoughts for what they are—creatures of the
mind that live the briefest life and disappear.

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 — 41 —

take your chihuahua

for a walk

e veryone knows what Chihuahuas do—they bark. Their

instinct in life is to yap. They yap when the mailman
walks by, they yap when you come home, and they even yap
when no one is around and all is quiet. Sometimes they are
silent, and who knows why they sometimes choose to just sit
and watch a squirrel run by without making a peep.
Imagine your mind is like the Chihuahua. Thoughts
can enter at random, with no notice, or sometimes without
obvious provocation. Out of the blue, a thought enters your
mind, and the next thing you know, your body reacts, perhaps

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with some fear or excitement. That’s all it takes—a thought
fires, and you react. Now, imagine that your mind is just like
the small, yapping dog. Imagine that your thoughts are just
like the barking that may have no cause, and are simply noises
that pop out at random times.
Today, you are going to take the Chihuahua for walk. Sit
still in a quiet room for even just five minutes. Imagine your-
self clicking on his leash and stepping outside to take him for
a short stroll. Each time a thought enters your mind, focus on
the image of the Chihuahua barking. Maybe he is barking at
a cat running across the street. Perhaps a butterfly landed in
the grass near you both. He lets out a loud yap. Now a person
walks toward you, and the dog goes nuts, jumping up and
down and really barking at this person. The person passes,
he forgets the person existed, and he’s quiet again. Just let the
dog bark for whatever reason, and then watch how he stops.
He barks, and then he walks for a few moments in silence.
Each time a thought enters your mind, imagine it’s just
a bark. Some last longer than others, some are quick and high
pitched, and some may growl and cower. Then the yapping
stops as you keep walking and passing random objects that
may or may not cause a reaction. You can observe your
thoughts the same way you can imagine watching the
Chihuahua. Thoughts are similar to barking—they may or
may not have a cause or purpose. They come; they go. Watch
them come, and then watch them go.

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 — 42 —

the unhappy customer

h ave you ever had to thank a customer for negative

feedback? If you’ve ever worked in the service indus-
try, most likely you’ve had this experience. You just nod, and
thank the customer for their input.
Sometimes a negative thought or feeling is just like
an irate customer. At times you have thoughts that, like
unhappy customers, just complain, hate the food, hate the
color, or hate the price, and so on. The unhappy customer
wants to send the meal back, and let you know how respon-
sible you are for his/her unhappiness.
Fortunately, that customer will eventually go away.
Thoughts that bring these kinds of unpleasant experiences

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will also just come, and then leave the premises. You can
note what the chief complaint is, but don’t evaluate it, or
decide if they’re right or wrong. Your job is just to listen
to their gripe, validate their experience, and help figure out
what they’d like instead. Irate customers don’t have to like
everything, and you don’t have to change their minds. All
you have to do is listen and move on.
Remember, the thought belongs to the unhappy cus-
tomer, not to you. Luckily, you can choose to notice the
complaint, acknowledge the unhappiness, and then move
on to the next table.

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 — 43 —

the thought lunchbox

w hat if thoughts were just like lunch in a lunchbox?

You carry thoughts around the way a child carries
around her sandwich in a lunchbox. The thoughts are in
there, and you’re carrying them around with you just as you
would a bag of Fritos, an apple, and a juice box. A thought is
often something you are lugging around. The key is that you
don’t have to eat or digest the thought. Just imagine certain
thoughts as the contents of your lunchbox. Who cares if
there’s a liver sandwich in your lunchbox? You can just leave
it in there and carry it around. You don’t have to devour it.

124
 To experiment with this idea, try carrying around
your “liver sandwich” ideas on little pieces of paper or a few
index cards.

 Choose three nagging thoughts to

ruminate. These are thoughts that seem
to take over who you are. Thoughts of
dread can be like that. For example,
you’re doing fine, and then you think, “I
don’t want to write my paper!” Or, “How
am I ever going to get everything done?”
Panic sets in, and then perhaps a sense
of avoidance or a sense of paralysis. The
thought hovers in your mind, scaring the
dickens out of you.

 Write down each of these thoughts on a

small piece of paper.

 Carry the pieces of paper around with

you for an entire day.

 What does it feel like to carry your

thoughts around with you as objects?
Notice during the day whether you can
just have them with you without getting
involved and without arguing, agreeing,
or disagreeing with them. Just have them
with you.
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  At the end of the day, ask yourself, “Was
that okay? Can I do this with all my
thoughts?”

Each thought is just a thought, one that will come, and

then, before you know it, a different one will appear. So why
eat a liver sandwich? Try the lunchbox experiment with
thoughts that aren’t helping you get closer to what you actu-
ally need to do. Carry them around with you as objects.

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 — 44 —

hold a thought like a

feather

w hat if you could hold a thought gently, as if it were

as light as a feather? Imagine that you could hold a
thought—any thought you struggle with—and just observe
it, as if it were entirely new. Observe it with the curiosity of
a child who is just learning to recognize the letters of the
alphabet or petting a new kitten. Admire the thought with
a sense of awe. Again, it can be any thought, such as:
“I’m having the thought that I’m anxious.”
“I’m having the thought that I’m embarrassed.”

127
 “I’m having a thought that I’m sad.”
At first, you might respond by clinging to the thought,
or else battling it and trying to stamp it out of your mind.
But today, in this moment, recall a thought with which you
struggle regularly. Hold the thought in your mind, and hold
it as lightly as a feather, as if the slightest breeze could come
along and carry it away in the wind. Bring the thought to
mind with fascination at how creative your mind can be in
its efforts to assess the world. You may even laugh at how
hard your mind works at holding onto this thought. Release
the power it holds over you by visualizing it as a soft, white
feather.
What does this thought do to serve you? Does it help
you get closer to the people you love, or does it offer your
body nutrients and longevity? Does it help you achieve what
matters most to you? Just notice this thought with accep-
tance and compassion. Thank your mind for the thought,
but realize you don’t have to do anything with it or because
of it.

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 — 45 —

the chocolate thought

a thought you try not to have rules your direction. Have

you ever tried to diet? Tried not to think about choco-
late, for instance, though it may be your favorite thing in the
world? What happens when you try not to think about choc-
olate? Suddenly, it’s all you can think about. As you attempt
to stop it, control it, or eliminate the thought, it can soon
dominate your experience. Now who’s in control—you, or
the chocolate thought?
We all have temptations, cravings, and the desire for
instant gratification. You can learn to ride these thoughts
out, to acknowledge that you have them and that you don’t

129
have to allow the chocolate thought to drive you in a direc-
tion you don’t want to be going.
The key is acceptance. This entails becoming aware
of the thought, and actively embracing the content of the
thought. Chocolate pops into your mind. You can picture it,
imagine where it might be hiding in your house, and even
salivate a little just thinking about it. Now, focus on embrac-
ing the thought, and thank your mind for sending you the
thought. In essence, don’t try not to think the thought. What
is more valuable to you? Acting on the chocolate thought?
Or, do you value the ability to refrain, to sit with the craving
but to ride it out? It will pass; all thoughts do. Instead, you
might choose to select something that is healthy and that
will bring a sense of comfort and wholesomeness, like a cup
of tea, or some almonds and raisins. You’ve accepted the
thought and chosen to direct your own actions.

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 — 46 —

feeding the tiger

c onsider the plight of a man who owned a baby tiger.

Even though the animal was small, it would growl in
a frightening way and demand to be fed. The man was a bit
unnerved by the tiger’s ferocity, and immediately gave it a
large portion of meat.
It placated the tiger for a little while, but the food
also helped the tiger grow bigger. Each day when the tiger
growled and threatened, the man ran to get it meat. The
more the tiger growled, the more the man fed it, and the
bigger and scarier and more dangerous the tiger became.
One day, when the tiger was long and strong and had
claws like daggers, the man ran out of food. The tiger’s growl

131
was deep and menacing, but the man had already given it
everything. The tiger didn’t mind; the man would be a tasty
meal.
Your scary, fortune-telling thoughts are like the tiger.
The more they frighten you, the more you feed them by
giving in and doing what they say. And the more you feed
them, the stronger and scarier they get.
Think about it a moment. What do you do when a
scary thought tells you to avoid something? Sometimes you
give in and steer clear of what frightens you. Your mind
tells you to stay home because you might feel awkward or
embarrassed at a social gathering. Or your mind says you’ll
fail if you try to change jobs. So you hesitate. Or your mind
suggests that your husband will get angry if you bring up a
certain issue. So you stay quiet.
Every time you obey scary, fortune-telling thoughts by
avoiding something worth doing, you make your fears more
powerful. And eventually the fear tiger gets so big, it begins
to consume your life.
When scary, fortune-telling thoughts well up, ask
yourself:

 What is my mind trying to keep me from

doing?

132
 If I listen to my mind, what valued goal or
experience would I forego? What would I
miss out on that matters to me?

 Am I willing to face this fear in order to

do something worth doing? Or this time,
will I listen to my scary thoughts and feed
the tiger?

133
 — 47 —

letting worry
pass you by

w hat makes worry thoughts so powerful is that we

embrace and resist them at the same time. We often
embrace worry out of a belief that it might protect us. We
think, “If I worry about it, it won’t happen.” It’s as if worry
were a good luck charm, a talisman that could keep us from
harm.
On the other hand, worry thoughts are disturbing, and
there is a natural impulse to suppress them. We try to push

134
worry to the back of our mind where it boils and bubbles,
forming a constant undertone of danger. It seems the more
we push worry away, the more it inhabits our unconscious
and darkens our sense of the future.
Changing your relationship to worry requires that you
learn to neither embrace nor resist scary thoughts. Instead
you will watch them as a sailor watches the waves of the
sea—without particular meaning, without particular inter-
est. Each wave is a small event followed by another. Each
wave is a moment that passes.
Here’s how to let worry thoughts pass you by:

 First, and most important, notice them.

Don’t numb yourself or push them away.

 Right now, identify a recent worry. Let the

thought take shape in your mind.

 Bring your attention to your breath. Feel

it pass your throat and your trachea.
Notice what the air feels like spilling into
your lungs. Feel it push open your ribs
and diaphragm. Feel the release as you
begin to exhale.

 Notice what happens to your worry. Let

it evolve and change. Let it begin its
transformation to the next thought.

135
  Return to your breath. Feel it settle into
your chest. Feel it fill and press open your
ribs.

 Notice your thoughts again. Watch and

let them pass.

 Get back to your breath. Take it in; let it

go.

 Notice the next thought, something your

mind has made up. Watch it pass and
morph into another thought.

 Get back to your breath. Feel it make its

way into your lungs and out again.

 Keep shifting between breath and thought

until each thought is just a wave. And
you are a sailor—fully alive, taking deep
breaths—watching the waves pass you by.

136
 — 48 —

moving into your life

s ometimes you hold onto a thought as if your life

depended on it, like a small child holding on tightly
to her mother’s skirt. The child holds on because she is so
scared of going to school alone. Just the thought of it ter-
rifies her, and she won’t let go of what feels safe. But it’s
never the act of clinging to the pant leg that truly relieves
the child of her fear. It’s learning to let go, entering into the
classroom, and doing whatever it was she thought she was
afraid to do. What truly frees her from fear is having the fear
and experiencing something anyway. It’s natural to create
ideas, thoughts, and desires that seem to keep you safe from
what your past has taught you might harm you. As a conse-

137
quence, you build up these safety thoughts, and you avoid
experiences that your thoughts tell you might hurt you in
some way.
While your mind tells you that holding on to the
thought that keeps you safe will protect you, instead holding
on to a thought is what binds you to suffering. For instance,
you might think, “If I really feel the deep sadness within
me, I might be so overwhelmed by it that I won’t ever get up
and function again.” You don’t want to experience sadness,
so you resist experiences that may bring on sadness, like
sharing intimacy with someone. You spend a lot of time
keeping others at a distance, as you refuse to experience
sadness. The safety thought is, “Don’t get too close, and you
won’t feel sadness.” You soon have a nice little moat built
around you, with nice high walls that keep everyone out. So
your thought succeeded in its first goal—to keep you from
sadness. But now you have one pain on top of another—you
have no intimacy, and yes, no sadness. But you might have a
deeper thing—suffering.
Buddhists call the struggle to hold onto certain
thoughts “clinging.” Your mind becomes so narrowly
focused on the one thought that keeps you from experi-
encing something you fear, that you become like the child
clinging to the skirt, as if it protects you from pain. It’s really
more like avoiding a sensation that might feel uncomfort-
able. Sometimes allowing yourself to feel discomfort is more

138
important, because your life is not restricted by a rule that
you’ve created. When the child lets go, it’s uncomfortable at
first. But then, she moves forward into the classroom.
Today, choose a safe place to sit comfortably and
consider just one thought you cling to. It could be a safety
thought—something that you think you need in order to be
safe emotionally, mentally, physically, or financially. Like, “I
have to look good or no one will like me.” Or, “If I don’t have
enough money, I’ll never be secure.” When you have that
thought in mind, also ask yourself what else may be true
beyond that thought. Like, “If I don’t have enough money, I’ll
never be secure. And, I’ll still be a kind and loving father.”
Now try this:

 Clench your fist tightly, as if you were

holding onto the thought in the palm of
your hand.

 Keep your fist tensed, clinging to the

thought.

 Just notice if the rest of your body reacts

to the thought with tension.

 Notice how the thought becomes the focal

point of your awareness.

 Notice other thoughts that are stirred by

this one.

139
  Take five deep breaths, each to the count
of three.

 Relax your hand, opening the palm slowly

to the count of three.

Now try this:

 Imagine a thought that goes beyond the

original thought; one that might get you
closer to something you value.

 Out loud, repeat your safety thought,

followed by saying “and,” and then name
something that is also true for you.
Whenever you recognize a thought as protective, say
the thought out loud with an “and” thought following up.
Become aware of the possibilities that lie beyond a safety
thought.

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 — 49 —

dropping the rope

h ave you ever noticed how easy it is to give a good

friend advice? She feels terrible about herself for some
reason, and you sit and offer lots of great examples of how
what she believes really isn’t true. You spend a good amount
of time convincing her that objectively, she is in fact smart,
beautiful, and desirable.
You walk away content, but she isn’t convinced for
long. It’s quite difficult, if not impossible, to talk our way out
of feeling something. Just like getting drunk over a breakup
numbs the pain temporarily, arguing with your thoughts
can act as a short-term solution. Struggling with negative
thoughts about yourself, such as “I’m never good enough,” or

141
“No one will ever love me,” by trying to talk yourself out of
those thoughts, is arguing with yourself. You’re arguing with
your own painful thoughts and feelings, and it becomes like
a game of tug-of-war. On one side you have the bad thoughts
and feelings about yourself that compete with the thoughts
on the other side of the rope that tell you, “You’re not so
bad! I’ve noticed people actually do like you!” This argument
takes a tremendous amount of time and energy.
What if you just dropped the rope and ended the
struggle? If you’re willing to have the negative thoughts,
you can accept them for what they are—thoughts. No
thought or feeling is permanent. Just allow yourself to have
the thought, because you know you will survive it. Survive
it by observing the thought rather than just believing it as
the end-all truth. Next, choose to respond to the thought by
choosing an action that moves you in the direction of what
you value and care most about in life. It takes practice and
effort, but your quality of life will actually change. You will
now notice that you are having a thought, and will remem-
ber to get into the seat of the witness and watch a thought
without judging or changing it. That is what dropping the
rope really means.
On a separate piece of paper, list three negative, self-
evaluative thoughts with which you struggle. These are
thoughts you have, but that you try to talk yourself out of,
or try to escape in some way. Now imagine the thoughts in

142
a game of tug-of-war, with opposing thoughts on either side
of the rope. With each negative self-thought, ask yourself:

 Am I willing to have this thought?

 Am I willing to practice mindfully

observing this thought and allow it to be
present?

 Do I want this thought to direct how I live

my life?

 Am I ready to take action to expand the

quality of my life?

 What does this thought stop me from

doing?

 Am I willing to have this thought and do

what I care about anyway?

Mindfulness is a way to cherish what is happening

now, and not what has happened, or what may happen. Your
thought is happening now. If you’re remembering some-
thing that was painful, shift your awareness back to the
here and now. If you’re dreading something in the future,
come back to now. Notice where you are in this moment.
Do some breath counting to the count of ten.
Drop the rope, choose an action based on what you
want, and practice being mindful of the present moment.
143
 — 50 —

monsters

s ometimes our thoughts are so scary, they’re like mon-

sters standing in front of us that keep us from moving
where we want to go. They shout things like: “He’ll leave
you.” “This is going to fail.” “You don’t know what you’re
doing.” “Those people don’t want you around.” “You’re ugly.
Stay home.” “You’ll screw it up.”
Notice that the effect of monster thoughts is to keep
you stuck and paralyzed. They make it too frightening to do
some of the things that really matter in your life. So what
happens? You avoid decisions, situations, or people. You
steer away from cherished goals. You numb yourself to the
disappointment of living so differently than you’d hoped.

144
 Here’s something to consider that might begin to free
you. Monster thoughts are just products of your mind. They
aren’t reality; they are mere fortune-telling. They offer a
picture of the future—of what could happen and how you
might feel—that may never occur. What if the monsters
kept you from doing something very important, and they
were nothing more than an idea or a scary image?
Here’s a new way to relate to monster thoughts:

 Imagine you are driving a bus. The bus is

your life and the whole of what you are
and want to be. You are trying to drive
your bus in a direction that matters to
you, or toward valued goals and desires.
Right now identify at least one goal—
something you really care about—that has
felt too scary to pursue.

 Now try to visualize this goal. See yourself

moving toward it. Hold the image until
it’s clear in your mind, and you start
to notice some of the monster thoughts.
“They’ll laugh at me.” “She’ll get angry.”
“You’ll be alone.” “You’ll run out of
money.” “You’ll be too exhausted.” Listen
to the monsters, knowing they are just
mental chatter, just ideas. Now write
down each thought.
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  Now imagine you are driving the bus toward
your goal, and all the monster thoughts are
right in front of you. They don’t want you to
get there. Give them faces, and hear them
shouting and carrying on. You’re stuck. The
monsters are between you and where you
want to go.

 There’s only one thing you can do—invite the

monsters on your bus. Open the door and
let them in. Imagine each ugly face, full of
vicious glee, coming up the steps and taking
a seat behind you. They’re all chattering
their scary stuff and making a ruckus. It’s
hard to listen to them because they fill you
with uncertainty, or just plain fear. But
something important has happened. The
monsters aren’t in front of you anymore and
blocking your way. You can drive the bus—
your life—where you want to go. You can
pursue that valued goal, as long as you are
willing to take the monsters with you and
listen to their shouts and warnings.

This is what we do to live full, valued lives. We have to

put up with monster thoughts, and do what matters anyway.
Imagine that goal again—the one the monsters have made
it hard to follow. What if you did it anyway and just took
those nattering nabobs with you?
146
Matthew McKay, Ph.D., is a professor at the Wright
Institute in Berkeley, CA. He is the author and coauthor
of more than twenty-five books, including The Relaxation
and Stress Reduction Workbook, Messages, When Anger
Hurts, Self-Esteem, and The Self-Esteem Guided Journal. He
received his Ph.D. in clinical psychology from the California
School of Professional Psychology. In private practice, he
specializes in the cognitive behavioral treatment of anxiety,
anger, and depression.

Catharine Sutker is an editor and freelance writer living in

the San Francisco Bay Area. She is the coauthor of The Self-
Esteem Companion, The Self-Esteem Guided Journal, and
The Self-Nourishment Companion.