Refund

The Principal [incredulously]: You want me to refund your tuition

The Principal is seated at his flat-tapped desk in his office in a fees?
high school. Enter a Servant.
The principal: Well, what is it? Rakesh: Exactly; the tuition fees. If I were a rich man I’d tell you
to keep them, so far as I’m concerned. But I’m not a rich man,
The Servant: A man, sir. Outside, He wants to see you. and I need the money.

The Principal [leaning back and stretching]: I receive parents The principal: I’m not sure I understand.
only during office hours. The particular office
hours are posted in the notice-board. Tell him that. Rakesh: Dammit, I want my tuition fees back! Is that plain
enough?
The Servant: Yes, sir. Yes, sir. But it isn’t a parent, sir.
THE PRINICPAL: Why do you want it back?
The Principal: A pupil?
Rakesh: Because I didn’t get my money’s worth, that’s why! This
The Servant: I don’t think so. He has a beard. certificate here says I got an education. Well, I didn’t. I didn’t
learn anything and I want my money back.
The Principal [disquieted]: Not a parent and not a pupil. Then
what is he? The Principal : But, look here, look here! I don’t understand it at
all! I’ve never heard of anything like it. What an absurd idea!
The Servant: He told me I should just say ‘Rakesh.’
Rakesh: Absurd, is it? It’s a good idea. It’s such a good idea that
The Principal [much disquieted]: What does he look like? I didn’t get it out of my own head, thanks to the education I got
Stupid? Intelligent? here. My old classmate Suresh gave me the idea not half an
hour ago.
The Servant: Fairly intelligent, I’d say, sir.
The Principal: Gave it to you?
The Principal [reassured]: Good! Then he’s not a school
inspector. Show him in. Rakesh [nodding violently]: Like that. Here I was walking along
the street, fired from my last job, and wondering how I could get
The Servant: Yes, sir. hold of some cash, because I was quite broke. I met him. I said,
‘How goes it, Sir?’ ‘Fine!’ he says. ‘I’ve got to hurry to the
Rakesh: How do you do? [He remains standing] broker’s to collect the money I made speculating in foreign
exchange.’ ‘What’s foreign exchange?’ I said. He says ‘I haven’t
The Principal [rising]: What can I do for you? got the time to tell you now, but, according to the paper,
Hungarian money is down seventy points, and I’ve made the
Rakesh: I’m Rakesh. [He pauses] Don’t you remember me? difference. Don’t you understand?’ Well, I didn’t understand. I
said, ‘How do you make money if money goes down?’ and he
The Principal [shaking his head]: No. says, ‘Rakesh, if you don’t know that, you don’t know a damn
thing. Go to the school and get your tuition fees back.’ Then he
Rakesh: It’s possible I’ve changed. hurried away and left me standing there, and I said to myself,
‘Why shouldn’t I do that?’ He’s right, now that I’ve thought it
The principal: The class records? How so? over. So I came here as fast as I could, and I’ll be much obliged
if you give me back my tuition fees, because they amount to a
Rakesh: Mr. Principal, if you please, I’m Rakesh. lot of money, and I didn’t get anything for them.

The principal: Doubtless, doubtless – but what has that to do The Principal [at a loss for words]: Really… But now… See
with it? here, we’ve never had a request like yours before.

Rakesh: You mean to say you don’t even remember my name? Rakesh: He’s a good friend, Suresh. He told me, and when I get
[He thinks it over] No, I imagine you wouldn’t. You were probably my money back I’m going to buy him a present.
glad to forget me. Well, Mr. Principal, I was a student in this
school eighteen years ago. The Principal [rising]: You – you are not really serious, are you?

THE PRINICPAL [without enthusiasm]: Oh, were you? Well, Rakesh: I was never more serious in my life. Treat me wrong
what do you want now? A certificate? here and I’ll go straight to the Ministry of Education and
complain about you!
Rakesh [doubtfully]: Since I’m bringing back the leaving
certificate you gave me I suppose I can get along without The Principal: You’re mad! [He breaks off, to continue in a more
another one. No, that isn’t why I came here. conciliatory tone] My dear sir, Herr – er – Rakesh, please go
away quietly. I’ll think the matter over after you’ve gone.
The Principal: Well?
Rakesh: [sitting]: No, no! You don’t get rid of me so easy. I’ll go
Rakesh: [clearing his throat firmly]: As a former pupil of this when everything’s been settled. I was given the instruction here
school I want you to refund the tuition fees, which were paid you in exchange for money, so that I might be able to do something;
for my education eighteen years ago.
but I can’t do anything because I was taught so badly, and event –
anybody can see I ought to have my money back.
THE GEOGRAPHY MASTER: Where is the fellow, anyhow?
The Principal [trying to gain time]: What makes you think you
can’t do anything? The Principal : He’s waiting outside. He wants to be re-
examined. He says he learned nothing. He says a re-
Rakesh: Everybody thinks so. If I get a job I can’t keep it. Give examination will prove it. I’d like to know what you gentlemen
me an examination and tell me what I ought to do. Call in the think about it.
masters and let them say.
The Mathematics Master [chuckling]: A re-examination?
The Principal: What a distressing business! How unfortunate! Gentlemen, it is my conviction that we will lose nothing by re-
You really want to take another examination? examining Rakesh. If he fails he will place us in an awkward
position; therefore he must not fail. He has – shall I say? –
Rakesh: Yes. I’ve a right to take one. pursued advanced studies in the school of life. We will not make
our questions too difficult – agreed, gentlemen? We are dealing
The Principal: What an unusual case! [He scratches his head] with a sly, crafty individual, who will try to get the better of us –
I’ve never heard of anything like it before. Er – I shall have to and his money back – by hook or crook. We must checkmate
consult the staff. I shall have to call a conference… Er – will you him.
wait in the waiting room and give me a few minutes?
Rakesh [rising]: Yes, be quick. I’ve got no time to waste [he The Physics Master: How?
saunters out in a leisurely fashion].
The Mathematics Master: By sticking together. The object is to
The Principal [rings; the Servant enters]: Ask the staff to come prevent him from failing, because if he fails he succeeds. That
here at once. A most extraordinary conference! we must stop. If he fails, tomorrow there will be two more former
pupils, and the next day a dozen. We must back each other up,
The Servant: Yes, sir. [He goes out] gentlemen, so that this painful affair does not become a
pedagogical scandal. We will ask him questions. Whatever his
The Principal [trying out his speech]: Gentlemen, I have asked answers, we agree beforehand that they are correct.
you to come here on account of a most unusual state of affairs.
It is unprecedented. In the thirty years that I have been a The Physics Master: Who will decide?
schoolmaster I have never heard of anything like it. Never, so
long as I live, shall I expect to hear of anything like it again. THE MATHEMATICS TEACHER: I, if you will permit me. Mr.
Never! God forbid! [The masters enter; they are characteristic Principal, let us proceed with the examination. We will show the
figures whose eccentricities are exaggerated] former pupil that we too can be shrewd!
 
Gentlemen, I have asked you to come here on account of a The Principal [ringing; uneasily]: Isn’t there a chance of
most unusual state of affairs. Sit down, gentlemen. I shall open something going wrong? Suppose it gets into the newspapers –
the conference. It is unprecedented, incredible and fantastic. A
former pupil has come to see me – er – an individual named The Mathematics Master: Leave it to us.
Rakesh. He brought up a question, which I’ve never
encountered in my many years of experience. [He explodes] I The Principal [to the Servant who has reappeared]: Call him in.
have never heard of anything like it. Rakesh.
[He enters, without waiting to be shown in. He is most truculent.
The Mathematics Master: Tell us about it. His hat is over one ear; he keeps his hands thrust into his
pockets and stares insolently]
The Principal: He wants – he wants his tuition fees back. THE STAFF [bowing, heartily]: How do you do?

The Mathematics Master: Why? The Principal [flattering]: Speaking for the staff, we agree with
you. Your exquisite courtesy will not affect us one way or the
The Principal: Because he’s lost his job. Because he’s broke. I other. We will examine you, and be guided entirely by your
should be glad to have you express your views on this replies to our questions. Take notice of that.
unparalleled case.
Rakesh: All right, carry on! Let’s hear the questions. I need
The Physics Master: The case is natural. The law of money.
conservation of energy proves that any given pupil will lose, in  
any given period, as much knowledge as a teacher can drill into The Principal: The examination will begin. History.
his head in another period of like duration.  
The History Master [moving to the centre of the table and
The History Master: There is nothing like it in the history of indicates a chair facing of it]: Herr Rakesh, won’t you be seated?
civilization. It is said that the Bourbons learned nothing and
forgot nothing. If that is true. Rakesh [staring at him insolently, arms akimbo]: To hell with a
seat! I’ll stand.
The Physics Master: The law of conservation of energy – [The [The History Master is disconcerted, and shows it, but The
two argue] Mathematics Master leaps into the breach]

The Mathematics Master : The question is, does he want the The Mathematics Master : Bravo! Excellent! Herr Rakesh wishes
amount with simple or compound interest, because in the latter us to understand two things. He will dispense with a formal
written examination and will answer orally. Good! He will not be processes are not merely superficial, and that he has
seated; he will stand. Also good. It follows that his physical investigated the subject in accordance with moderns researches
condition is splendid, and I take it upon myself to award him an based on – based on – based on –
‘Excellent’ in physical culture. I ask The Principal , who teaches
that subject, to concur. The Mathematics Master : Relativity, of course. The quantum
theory. Planck. Einstein. It’s all very simple. [To the History
The Principal : Quite Right. [He writes] ‘Physical Culture: Master] Don’t say another word. We understand perfectly.
Excellent’ Einstein has taught us that time is as real as space and matter.
It consists of atoms, and may be synthesized into a unified
THE STAFF: Agreed! Agreed! whole, and may be measured like anything else. Reduce the
mass-system to a unit and a year may be represented by a
Rakesh [energetically]: No! [He sits; he grins.] You caught me meter, or seven years by seven meters. We may even assert
once, didn’t you? Well, you won’t do it again. that the Thirty Years’ War lasted seven years only because –
From now I’ll have my ears open. because – because –

The Principal: ‘Alertness: Very Good’ The History Master: Because the actual warfare took place only
during half of each day – that is to say, twelve hours out of
Rakesh: Get on with your questions! twenty-four – and the thirty years at once become fifteen. But
not even fifteen years were given up to incessant fighting, for the
The History Master [scratching his head]: Yes, yes, just a combatants had to eat – three hours a day, reducing our fifteen
minute. [The other masters look at him with concern.] years to twelve. And if we deduct from this the hours given up to
noon-day siestas, to peaceful diversions, to non-warlike
Rakesh: What’s the matter, crazy man? Aren’t you prepared? activities – [He wipes his brow]

The History Master: A moment! The Mathematics Master: To social distractions, we are left only
with time which the candidate has represented by the
Rakesh: Oh, you can’t think of a question that’s easy enough? Einsteinium equivalent of seven meters. Correct! I take it upon
You were always a numskull. myself, gentlemen, to propose a grading of ‘Very Good’ in
History. Oof!
The History Master [the idea arrives; triumphantly]: Candidate, T
answer this question: How long did the Thirty Years’ War last? HE STAFF: Bravo! Excellent! He has passed! [They
congratulate Rakesh]
Rakesh: Thirty – [He interrupts himself.] I mean to say, I don’t
know. Rakesh [objecting]: But I don’t see –

The History Master: Please answer my questions! I am sure you The Principal : That ends the examination in History. [Writing]
know! Give me the answer! [Rakesh thinks with his eyebrows ‘History: Very Good.’ [The staff surround the History Master and
drawn together. The Physics Master tiptoes to him and whispers congratulate him.] Now the examination in physics.
loudly, ‘Thirty years.’ The Geography Master winks at him and
holds up ten fingers three times.] Well, well? Rakesh: Now we’ll see something, you tricksters!

Rakesh: Mr. Principal, this is no way to run an examination. [He The Physics Master: [energetically]: Come, come!
indicates the Physics Master] That fellow is trying to make me
cheat. Rakesh [defiantly]: Well, what’s going to happen? Ask your
questions, or don’t. I haven’t got any more time to waste. [He
The Principal: I shall deal with this decisively. [To the Physics stares at the Physics Master] Oh, now I remember you. Do you
Master] Go away! know what we used to call you behind your back? [The Physics
[The Physics Master slinks back to his place] Master smiles in agony] We called you cannibal, because you
were always chewing your thumbs, just as you’re doing now!
Rakesh [after much thought]: How long did the Thirty Years’ War [The master removes his thumb hastily. The rest of the staff
last? Was that the question? smile.]
The History Master: Yes, yes!  
The Physics Master [furiously]: You?
Rakesh [grinning]: I know! Exactly seven meters! [They are
paralyzed. He looks about in triumph.] Ha, ha! Seven meters! I Rakesh: Don’t get excited, little man. Ask me a hard question
know it lasted that long. It’s possible I’m wrong, and if I am I fail. instead. Plough me.
Seven meters! Ha, ha! Seven meters long! Seven meters!
Please give me back my tuition fees. [The Masters look at each The Physics Master: [controls himself, well aware that Rakesh is
other; at their wits’ ends] trying to irritate him. Very sweetly]:
The History Master [decisively]: Seven meters? Right! Your Kind of you – very kind of you. And now, tell me, Herr Rakesh,
answer is excellent. do clocks in church steeples really become smaller as you walk
away from them, or do they merely appear to become smaller
Rakesh [incredulously]: What. What did you say? because of an optical illusion?

The History Master [swallowing manfully and watching The Rakesh: What an absolute rot? How should I know? Whenever I
Principal out of the corner of his eye]: The answer is correct, as walk away from clocks they get larger! Invariably! If I want them
a matter of fact. The candidate has shown us that his thought to get smaller I turn round and walk straight up to them, and
they’re not small at all. The Mathematics Master: No. The answer is wrong. The correct
The Physics Master: In a word, therefore, in a word – answer is two thousand six hundred and twenty-eight litres, and
not twenty nine. [He turns to The Principal] I refuse to pass the
Rakesh: In a word, therefore, you give me a pain in the neck. candidate. Mark him ‘Failure.’
You’re an ass! That’s my answer.
Rakesh [bounding]: I told you so! I told you so!
The Physics Master: [furiously]: Is that your answer? [He The Principal [thunderstruck]: Professor! Professor!
controls himself] Good! It is correct. [Turning to the staff] A
difficult answer but a most brilliant one. I’ll explain – that is to The Mathematics Master: I’m sorry. It is true that his error
say, I’ll explain. [With a sigh, he gets on with it] When we talk of amounted to less than a tenth of a per cent, in the total, but it
an ass we always notice – we always notice – was an error. He fails.

THE STAFF [anxiously]: Yes? Yes? Rakesh: My tuition fees! My tuition fees!

The Physics Master::- that his look is sad. Therefore – [He The Mathematics Master: In my opinion the candidate’s request
thinks. Suddenly triumphant] I’ve got it! is reasonable. Now that I have satisfied myself he cannot pass
our examination it is his right to recover the monies which were
Rakesh [worried]: What have you got, you whiskered baboon? paid us.

The Physics Master:: I’ve got it, and the answer is right. Why is Rakesh: That’s so! That’s right! Give me the money. [The Staff
the look of the ass so sad? Because we are all the victims of stares as if the heaven had fallen]
illusion. But what illusions can affect the extremely primitive
appreciative powers of an ass? The answer was correct. I The Principal [furiously, to The Mathematics Master]: Is that
certify, therefore, that the candidate may be given ‘Very Good’ in what you think?
Physics.
The Mathematics Master: Absolutely. This is a good school. It is
The Principal [writing]: ‘Physics: Very Good’ our duty to see that nothing ever injures its reputation. How
much do we owe you, Herr Rakesh?
THE STAFF: Bravo!
Rakesh [greedily, forgetting everything else]: I’ll tell you exactly. I
Rakesh: I protest! attended this school for six years in all. During the first three
years the fee was 2000 Rs. quarterly. Total for three years 6000
The Mathematics Master [forcibly]: You must not joke about a Rs. During the second three years the fee was 4000 Rs, semi-
serious examination. I’m going to ask you two questions. One of annually. Total: 8000 and Examination fees, Certificates,
them is easy; the other is hard. documents, books, stamp taxes fees are 4000 Rs. Total: 4000 +
6000 + 8000 + 1200 = 19200 Rs..
Rakesh [imitating him]: One of them is easy; the other is hard.
The same old-stick-in-the-mud that you always were! I THE MATHEMATIC MASTER [checking with his paper and
remember the pictures of you we used to draw on the board – pencil as Rakesh calls out the amount]: Exactly!

The Mathematics Master: [interrupting]: If this were an Rakesh: Exactly! You can rely on it.
examination in art you would be marked excellent. [He pauses,
and Rakesh is suddenly silent.] But we are dealing with The Mathematics Master : It’s right. There’s no question of it. It’s
mathematics. The easy question: If we represent the speed of right to the smallest detail. [He offers
light by x, and the distance of the star Sirius from the sun by y,  
what is the circumference of a one-hundred-and-nine-sided Rakesh his hand] I congratulate you! That was my difficult
regular polyhedron whose surface coincides with that of the hip- question!
pocket of a State railway employee whose wife has been
deceiving him for two years and eleven months with a Rakesh [not understanding]: What?
regimental sergeant-major of hussars?
The Mathematics Master: [to The Principal ]: I certify that the
The staff [much upset]: But look here, Professor! Professor! candidate passes in Mathematics. His answer to the easy
question was a very little out of the way; but his answer to the
The principal: Professor! difficult question – how much the refund should be – was exactly
correct. Herr Rakesh is a mathematical genius.
Rakesh: Don’t interfere with him! [To The Mathematics Master ]
Will you repeat the question? Rakesh [striking his forehead]: So you did put one over me!
The Mathematics Master : No. Either you paid attention or you
did not. Either you know the answer, or you don’t. Tell me the The Principal [rising]: I present the results of the examination.
answer, because if you don’t know it – Rakesh has passed with distinction in every subject, and has
again shown that he is entitled to the certificate we awarded him
Rakesh: Of course I know it! Naturally I know it! I’ll tell you: two on his graduation. Rakesh, we offer our congratulations –
thousand six hundred and twenty nine litres. Exact. No fractions. accepting a large share of them for ourselves for having taught
And did I give you the correct answer? [He chuckles] I’ve given you so excellently. And now that we have verified your
you an answer which is too good! knowledge and your abilities – [he makes an eloquent gesture]
get out before I have you thrown out!