No. 28.,VOE. II.

=~ NEW YORK
COPYRIGH’ SECURED 1877.

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OFFICE OF PUCK I3 NORTH WILLIAM ST. NLY. MAYER, MERKEL & OTTMANN, LITH. 22 &24 CHURCH
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PUCK.
“PUCK”, much he may have been inclined to. This was The day has come when in the fair calender
a fatal blow to his pretensions in Utah—and of -maidenhood a black mark is regretfully
No. 13 North William Street, New York. the Almighty Mumbo Jumbo, in the wonderful drawn through the ice-cream season. Phillis
FOR SALE BY ALL NEWS DEALERS. revelations which he graciously made to the weeps, but Colin sticketh his thumbs in_ his
twelve Apostles who are to have charge of the vest-pockets and smileth, and saith: “Ho, ho!”
JERMS JO SUBSCRIBERS. Church while Brigham is taking his summer
One Copy one year, or 52 numberS......seeeccceeeceeeeeeees $5.00 | vacation in Heaven or Hades, expressed. his There is no heart but feels a subtle sensation
One Copy, six months, or 26 numbers... ..++ée+e0--eeeer erence 2.50 personal regrets and those of all the angels and
One Copy for thirteen weeks ..... 0... cs eee cee erect eteneeebes EQS
of eclenenaae looking at the hectic flush of
Postrace Free.
‘saints up and down there of his inability to ratify autumn on the face of Nature; but the pang
the nomination of a spiritual shepherd in many of actual realization does not come to a man
respects ‘so eminently fitted for the responsible untill he strikes the first moth-hole in his last
DANA'S FRAUD SHOW. post. But there were certain precedents and winter’s flannels.
laws passed by the Heavenly Senate and House
of Representatives, that could’not be ignored.
1 \‘%, hen no expense is spared in advertising We are sorry for Henry, and so is a large THE sad sea waves moan brokenly along the
an exhibition and the public will not majority of the Mormon people. He looks deserted shores of the watering-places. Ere
respond, the presumption is that there with wistful eyes towards the spot which he long the mighty blast of winter will arise in al]
is nothing attractive in the show itself. When had fondly hoped would be the scene of his its unrestrained majesty, and sweep down on
Barnum placards the city with highly colored ministrations, where so much could be achieved; the land, and cavort among the summer pavil-
representations of the: greatest show. on earth verily a rich vineyatd in which to labor for ions,'and scoop out from under the bathing-
if his horses are not so richly caparisoned as the Lord’s cause. houses three bushels of hairpins and one sus-
they appear in the flaming posters, if the giant But Mr. Beecher is fervently loved by his pender-buckle.
is not as tall, the strong man as powerful, the | flock, and their joy is unbounded especially
a —

fat boy as fat as we were led to expect—still among those of his admirers who are of the
we are satisfied, because in nine cases out of female persuasion. They were sad, very sad
HOW HE CAME TO BE A WARRIOR CHIEF,
ten, there was something substantial to justify | when the melancholy prospect of losing the
the announcement. Now, Dana, the lover’s , N Ann Street man the other day was in-
personification of true inwardness, and the only 3. formed by her who shares his walk
friend,-has been running his fraudulent show man living who can administer a paroxysmal
to little or no purpose. «\-*" through the sunshine and shadows of this
| kiss. life, that the family pickle keg needed recon-
In vain has he roared himself hoarse, in
vain has he gesticulated violently, in vain has | struction.
The aforesaid keg had been sitting patiently
he exhausted all the opprobrious epithets of |
which the English language is possessed in de- Puckerings. in the N. W. corner of the Hobbs’s cellar, while
nouncing the President of the United States. | the Hoppses were spending their month of
“Walk up, gentleman, this is the only respect- | BRIGHAM stood it a long time, didn’t he? summer recreation at, the seaside; and weary of
able show, come inside and join us in the re- its enforced idleness Which it could not tumble
generation of the country—Roget’s Thesaurus | to, as it were, it Struck, kerflummuxed and
ScHOOL keeps again, and the grit of the slate-
always on hand for a choice of adjectives to | pencil is heard in the land. dropped on itself. Andso when the unfortunate
abuse the Administration.” Hobbses returned* and~ discovered ‘the. injury
But the people heed him not, and he is un- | they had inflicted upon themselves, every dollar
disturbed in the manhole of his wooden horse | GENERAL HowarpD gives a prize card and of which had’ to come from their pockets, Mrs.
which is astollow as is the foundation for the | five merit marks to every warrior who comes H. and Mr. H. formed themselves into a vigil-
tirade of. charges.against President Hayes. | into the fold and lays down his arms. ance committee and labor movement and at-
When. will. Dana, the lover’s friend, learn that tempted to repair the wrong which was _perpe-
both Democrats and Republicans are tired of “Goodbye!” says the mint-julep, giving the trated through their thoughtlessness.
this perpetiial cry of fraud, as Mark Twain said | hot ‘'om-and-Jerry a parting grip of the hand. Hobbs who prided himself on his ingenuity
when some pieces of a cliff and then a cow fell | « Take éare of the boys till I come back!” and constructiveness set himself to his task
on his tent out west, “it is getting monoton- with a countenance whose serenity might be
ous? se envied by a R. R. king, and went. to work on
The representatives of the people agreed to WE -have struck the time when the swallows that keg.
abide by the decision of the Electoral Com- homeward fly, and the gay and festive influenza First he placed the hoops upon the ground
mission whether right or wrong, and it is idle waltzes out and spits on his hands and turns and laid a stave upon them to hold them in po-
for Dana to howl because its verdict was not back his shirt-sleeves. sition, then he commenced building up from
in accordance with his views. In the words of the sides; after he had built up about three.
Junius we say “‘ Cease Viper you bite against a THE gorgeous amateur gets up and shakes tiers, the affair slipped somehow and Hobbs
file”. himself, amd tiies to think whether he can made a remark. ‘Then he tried again and three
make the suit he played Claude Me/notte in last or four times after that and made more remarks.
year do for Haméet this season. Mrs. H. asked him what he said, he replied
BEECHER’S DISAPPOINTMENT. that he thought the weather was getting damp.
Then he tried it in other ways; he stood the
HIS is a practical and levelling age. Many Miss VIOLET FANE, who earlier in the season staves on end and attempted to slip the hoops
of our most cherished ideas, sentiments, said: ‘ Oh, for some new-found name by which over the top, but the structure tumbled ker-
and traditions have been rudelyswept away to call him!’ has since married him, and has smash and the staves were as much jumbled
by stern facts, and the progress of science. Oft- now decided upon calling him Old Beeswax. together as if a German street band had under-
quoted proverbs are no exception to the rule. ——
taken the contract,—he then made more te-
Those that we have been accustomed to make THE spirit of America burns brightly in the marks, and told his wife who was ironing his
use of with, as. we thought, sledge-hammer breast of the rising generation. Statistics, best shirt, that if she’d mind her business and
effect are now voted not only illogical, but showing the recent increase in one-eyed chil- not trouble herself as to what he was grumbling
untrue. dren, prove that the little ones are already about, and would take her lazy hands out of
No man is said to be a prophet in his own learning to play Creedmoor. her lap, and just come out and steady things a
country. We believed this religiously until we little, maybe he could get the blessed thing
reviewed the career of the defeated candidate fixed.
for Mormon prophet, Henry Ward Beecher, Ir. is in these days that the American ma- She obeyed the summons and did everything
who is a prophet in his own country, Brooklyn, tron stands forth in all her might, and stops he told her, and got jawed for not doing every-
N. Y., but not in Utah. The Mormons won’t the whole business of a railroad junction, while thing he didn’t tell her to do, and then he re-
have him at any price. They doubt not that she stands on the platform and demands in marked until he got black in the face.
he would fill the pulpit of the Tabernacle very thrilling tones: ‘‘ Where is the little green trunk But this was not all. He seized the baby by
efficiently, but in other respects they do not think with one handle off ?”’ the heels (it had been lying asleep in the crib
him altogether qualified to take charge of Brig- close by), and dashed its brains out again, the
ham Young’s widows, and be sealed to any good- Now the mosquito, who has been corpulent slop-pail—he felled the companion of his bosom
looking plump Mormoness to whom he might and audacious, and has waved his vampire to the earth with a stave of the keg and set the
take a fancy. The late lamented prophet knew wings over helpless civilization during the past house afire, and disappeared from civilization.
' how to manage his seventeen or eighteen legal | season, becomes meek and cadaverous and un- There is a desperate indian leader out west
wives—legal at least from a Mormon point of obtrusive, and gets in a warm corner by him- now by the name of Crazy Horse.
view. But it does not appear that the Brooklyn | self, and wishes he were only a moth for the Don’t ever ask the old man to mend any
candidate ever committed bigamy however | next six months. pickle kegs.
an
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 PUCK. 3
nder
fully MRS. BOGSBY’S TEMPERANCE ‘Every one of ’em, Sammy,” I said, quite
enthusiastic, for I saw he was wavering.
“‘ TuaT is better firing than I could do,” re-
marked an old gentleman on the back-platform
hillis CONVERT,
| his Says he: of a Broadway car, holding up a diagram of
ho!” “If I thought—” the Creedmoor rifle practice. He said it by
LESS you, I’d no more idea than a jay- I felt I had him. I could see it in his eye, way of a.general observation, and with the
FS) bird that there was the least harm in it. and I got the rosette in readiness, to pin it on amiable intention of starting a conversation;
ation
QF Bogsby had his “schooner” of beer him the minute he gave his solemn promise, but the man he addressed promptly replied:
h of
bang with the regularity of clock-work, and when he just as his fingers closed round the handle of **Of course it is. You’re a wall-eyed old
fetched a pitcher-full in the evening, I often the beer-pitcher abstractedly. lunatic, anyway, and you don’t look as if you
man took a sip of it myself. But after 1 began to
last
There seemed to be a look of noble triumph knew a rifle from a plate of beans.”
attend the Murphy meetings with Mrs. Flat- lighting up his face, springing from the thought The old man said no more.
jron, and found out what an awful thing it real- of the grand resolution he had come to. Says HE met his friend with a woebegone look on
ly was—how it was the dreadfullest kind of a he, very slow and solemn, as if he felt what he his face.
’ the poison—that it was mostly drinking filled our was going to remark uncommon deeply: ** Mac,” said he, “times are hard. My sal-
Ere rhouses and jails, and its evil effcts céuld be ‘*Polly! any man who would adulterate good ary has been cut down next to nothing, and,
n all traced all through our lunatic asylumsand con- beer with poisonous ingredients ought to be in addition to my own family, I’ve got my
1 on gress and legislative halls, I determined to form shot.” wife’s mother to support six months in the year.
avil- myself into a missionary society, and convert Then he deliberately lifted the pitcher to his What is a fellow going to do?”
ing- my man Sammy from such a desperate habit. lips and drank the whole quart at one swig, “Do?” answered Mac, his eye beaming
sus- And the very next time he held out his pitcher and before I could open my mouth to say a with true philosophy, as he reviewed his friend’s
and said: word, he drew a long breath of the most solid situation in his mind, and saw him struggling
“Here, Polly, old girl, dip your nose *into satisfaction, and went on: to maintain his wife’s parent. ‘‘ You’re a
this—it’s prime!” “That’s almighty good stuff! And, ah, Polly, blanked fool. Have you never heard that Ne-
IEF, I resolutely refused, so my example could my girl, it’s saved many a poor man’s life!” cessity knows no mother-in-law ?”
have a restraining effect on him. The orher man made no audible response.
; in-
A lot it restrained him. ‘Taking a second He silently signaled to his friend to come and
walk pull at the mug, he said: HERALD EDITORIALS.
‘this take a drink, and the signal was obeyed with
“ All right, my girl. There'll be that much The Italian proverb Puck thought was “See energy and tact.
con-
more for me.” Naples and then die’, but one of the Herald
_ This wasn’t very encouraging; but my friend, editorial writers is better posted in these mat-
ntly Mrs. Flatiron, said: ters than the Italians themselves. According
hile
1 of
“You keep right on persevering; don’t let to him it is ‘See Venice and then die’”’. Puck’s Ausweys for the Anrions.
him rest a minute.” reading would be ‘See the Herald but don’t
y of Says I, ‘‘ I won’t.” read its editorials.”
able “ And if you can’t fetch him no other way,” D. E.—Part!
and
nate
jury
she said, “‘ just worry him into it.”
“*T will,” I said. TELEPHONOGRAMS. WiLLy.—Select your undertaker.
HASELTINE.—She denies it 77% fo/o.
This was a heap easier said than done, for
lar INQUIRER.—C. A. D., the Lover’s Friend.
Sammy’s not a good subject to convince. He LATEST FROM THE SEAT OF WAR.
Mrs. GLovEeR.—Funny story, that of yours. At least the
has an exasperating way of sitting smoking his
igil- O. I. C, man said so.
pipe for an hour at a time, listening to auyone FROM PUCK’S SPECIAL ARTIST-CORRESPONDENT.
at-
preach, and then, just as you fancied you had EzEKIEL.—No, there is no particular reason why the
(pe- spirit of mortal should be proud.
him, he’d trot off to bed. NorTH SOUTH-WESTERN BULGARIA.
I was always a master-hand to talk. I was Don’t take too much stock in my news, as JactnTo.—There seems to be something “ off” about
lity there are a good many (re)doubts this time—
in dead earnest, and I’d got such a heap of in- you. If there really is, come there.
ask as both Russian and Turkish generals are
formation about the fearful effects of drinking, SCARBOROUGH.—Keep on trying all you want to. Only
be puzzled as to whether Plevna is or is not taken.
and the fearful diseases which grow out of it, I take an occasional hack at the spelling-book.
on One thing is certain, that General Zotoff and
felt certain I should come out ahead. What G. G. Havens, Chicago.—Take that ‘*Song of
I'd set myself to do was to not only have him Sir Halford Blydenburgh made two bull’s-eyes Autumn ” further west, and warble it to the Piutes.
ind in the prone position, at a yard and a half, in
swear off from touching the horrid beer again, VaASSAR.—1I: We told you once before. 2: No.
po- but join the Murphys and wear a blue rosette spite of the factious opposition of Count
om 3: He does not. 4: He has five children, and is as bald
on his vest. Joannes and A. T. Stewart, who has risen as a Shanghai egg.
ree. from the silent tomb to protest—in spite of the
I tackled him at supper-table, and I had the GILBERT McA.—As an original paragrapher you are
bs
rosette I’d made all ready in my pocket. to change in the weather. not a success. Few men are who copy their items out of
ree
whip out the minute he was converted. And he a last year’s file of the Heradd.
ks.
let me talk so straight along, while he kept on The Dobb’s Ferry Knownothing correspond- G. L. V.—That contribution of yours may be an ex-
ied ent, writing from the Peak of Jeneriffes, states
eating his supper. I felt quite encouraged. tremely funny poem, or it may not. But we are willing
ip. that Osman Pasha, Oakey Hall and Samuel J.
Then he sat and smoked his pine in his old to take an affidavit that it made a first-rate cigar-light.
quiet way, not interrupting me by so much as Tilden, have been appointed Bashi-Bazouks Minos.--So you think that is a story you have sent
ps a word; and at last, he did listen so attentively, by the Society tor the Confusion of Useless us? It is a confounded sanguinary ollapodyida of inco-
er- Knowledge among the Head-waiters and Cor-
I began to feel I was making real good head- herent idiocy, spiced with dashes of acute mania,
ed don-bleus at the Grand Duke’s Opera House.
way, and half pulled the rosette from my GLEN ATHOL.—American Maid is by b. g. Hamble-
er- pocket. tonian Girl out of b. f. Dexter by ch. m, Abdallah out of
re-
“Wait a bit,” says he, quite mild-like, and imp. Ethan Allen, with a cross on the maternal side by .
nis In this season it shall come to pass that the d. 1. Eli Perkins. If you have any more horse questions
setting his pipe down. If you'll believe me, he
maiden who went out into the country in the to ask, go to the Spirdt of the Times.
started right out to get his usual pitcher of beer,
spring of the year shall sit in her room, and Carii.—We think we could tell you more definitely
and, after dropping into his chair again, quietly
remarked: shall think of the young man for whom she whether you have any talent for paragraphingifwe could
hath shorn a lock from her head. And at the make a phrenological examination of your head. It
“Drive ahead, Polly!”
same time there shall be a smell of burnt hair seems to us that if we had our fingers once—only once—
This looked sort of bad at first. But come in the chamber of the youth, and ye shall not in your hair, we could express to you a prompt and deci-
te look at it in the right light, I felt it would be find him there; nay, rather shall he be seen
sive opinion on the matter.
too much to expect him to choke off all in a leaning over the festive billiard-table, and ask- WwW. L. Dewitt, Manchester, N. H.—Young man, if
minute. Besides, if I could induce him to it is any consolation to you, you may go out next spring
ing: ‘‘ Whazzermazzerwizzer balls?” into the verdant fields and reflect that for clean and clear
swear off with that tempting-pot of beer at his freshness you have the call on the yellow-eyed daisies.
hand, what a glorious triumph that would be!
Tuis is the time when the naughty little boy This may help you to understand why we think your con-
So I tackled him again, still more earnestly; goes rowing on Sunday, and has a first-rate tribution isn’t quite suitable for our columns,
and after a bit there was such a serious look in time, and comes home all right; while the good ANNIE WALTON, W.—*“‘ Do we read all the contribu-
his face—I was certain he was beginning to little boy whom he once licked, and who grat- tions on which we pass judgment ?” Dowe? Annie.
feel the truth of what I was telling him. At uitously forgives him; rows out after him to come to this office (hours, from ten to four) and look
last he said, very slow and solemn: bring him home to the fold, and falls in the upon us. When we set out we were in the flush of
“Polly, you’re sure there’s poison in beer?” water, and thereby gets a cold which will ena- courageous and confident youth. We were happy, be-
cause we were virtuous and beautiful. ow, gaze upon
“‘ Dead sure,” I said. ble him to pine away and die next spring, just our withered cheek, our prematurely arid cranium, our
“And it causes all kinds of the worst diseases as the first tender violets and the man who bloodshot eye, and our generally down-in-the world, dis-
—paralysis, brain-fever, lockjaw, bald heads, writes the Sunday-school books are beginning solute and heart-broken air, and ask us if we read all
and no-money in-the-pocket ?” to boom along. those contributions!

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 PUCK.

THE BANKRUPT OF
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‘HEAVEN HELP ME! I AM A RUINED MAN!”

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PUCK’S “It do,” said the Count. ‘ And—nay, it

HISTORY OF THE UNITED STATES.

(« ONTINUED.)
cannot be—yes it is—see yonder wick how
weirdly it burns. What ghastly portent is this?
Seest thou not two brilliant letters in the
CHAPTER VIII. candle, and they point direct at thee.”
FTER the fight at Monmouth, Washington “It is even so,” said George, as he snuffed
felt kinder mad when he found that the the candle himself.
Britisher Clinton had given him the slip And, sure enough, next morning the letter-
for Raritan Bay and New York, and although he carrier brought two formidable-looking enve-
chased him as if after a cricket ball that had lopes.
been hit to square leg, he was obliged, being They were from Lee, and one contained this
sadly out of training, to sit down and fan letter:
himself, and defer punishing Clinton until he ‘I don’t believe you never told a lie—and
should meet him again. I am convinced that you struck Billy Pat-
George did not tell a lie on this occasion, terson. LEE.”
but he said damn twice. The other was of similar import.
Somebody must be pitched into. Ah! he had Nothing short of a court martial would do,
it. Lee, who commanded a division, hadn’t and Lee soon found himself on a lee shore. He Paul Jones was an American naval officer,
behaved well, his troops had got into disorder gave up soldiering and became a chromo- although the Britishers called him a pirate.
—owing to some of them persisting in looking peddler. By certain cynics these were said to be syno-
down the barrels of their muskets when they Clinton began to loom up again at Newport. nymous terms, but we have no time to make
hung fire, to see why the charges didn’t go off. The polo teams and four-in-hand coaches were casuistical distinctions. He went into the
Now, however desirable this might bé, from out in force to oppose his landing. The Ocean ‘“‘Alabama” business and singing ‘I’m afloat!
a cautiously scientific point of view, Washing- Hotel was fortified, each guest being armed I’m afloat on the fierce rolling tide—he at-
ton thought the proceeding subversive of with one of Wm. M. Evarts’ speeches. Bellevue tacked two British frigates” and captured them.
good discipline, and told Lee that he guessed Avenue being barricaded with Hera/d supple- John Bull felt very bad in consequence, and
he wasn’t agoing to have telescopes made of ments and war maps. began to splice the mainbrace, take a double
gun-barrels; no—not much. Clinton’s head was level, and he carefully reef in his starboard lee scuppers, belay the
Lee said nothing, but waited for inspiration. avoided an engagement, for he didn’t count on lower stun-sail of the maintop bowline, let go
George, in the solitude of his tent that night, such formidable preparations for his reception. the poop downhaul and throw the second mate
said to his nameszke, the Count Joannes, who General Grey, a Britisher, had a strong pre- overboard. Jones then got top-heavy three
judice against camp-meetings and American sheets in the wind, in short, squiffy, and not to
‘a 2
wine. So it is not a matter of surprise that he put too fine a point on it, blind drunk. He
fell upon Miss Martha’s Vineyard, while Henry was taken before Judge Otterbourg at the
. Ward Beecher was preaching on “ true inward- Tombs, and discharged with a reprimand in
ness,” and Moody and Sankey were howling consideration of his patriotic and anti-British
“hold the fort,” and “‘ pull for the shore.” services.
Grey, after destroying Martha’s vines, cen- Benedict Arnold did not deserve well of his
sured Henry for working in-such a vineyard— country, and he didn’t get his deserts, Cozzen’s
banished him, and everybody else to Phila- Hotel at West Point was sadly in want of a
delphia for solitary confinement. manager, to look after the wants of the suminer
Martha saw the error of her ways—reformed, boarders, and Washington thought that Arnold
and became a pretty waiter-girl in a Bowery could tend bar and defend the place at the
saloon. same time. Washington didn’t order enough
The war had now lasted five years, but the ice, and this rather riled Arnold; so he said
Britishers were not beaten yet. revenge is sweet, and immediately sent a tele-
did all the chamber-work of the establishment: This is not so remarkable, either, as there gram to Clinton to inform him that he might
«‘ Methinks the candle wants snuffing.” was no Philadelphia militia in those days. come and take charge, and sent John Ander-
 OL APOLLO ALARA
PUCK.
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—————

THE BANKRUPT OF THE FUTURE.

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‘*GOOD NEWS, MY DEAR! I HAVE FAILED AT LAST!”

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son, whose real name was Major André, to see that kind of man. He had a good strong soul, the time. I put on a sou’wester and water- 7}
about fixing the thing up satisfactorily. Major and lots of affection. pwoof twowsers and coat to go into this verwy
He stood on top of an ash-barrel, and, with disagweeable wegion. Walking under the
tears of gratitude streaming down his cheeks, Horse Wadish or Horse Collar Fail on the
said: Bwitish side is pwetty much the same thing—
** Boys, you have done well, and before I go verwy wet, and slipperwy, and muddy, and
I should like you to say what you'll take.” wocky, and the woarwing wall of water is be-
With one accord they all cried “‘ Beer!” and wilderwing to aw a fellaw’s bwain, and makes
shortly after Washington was made President him feel, I suppose, like a fellaw feels when he’s
of the United States. verwy dwunk, or has an attack of delirwium
[To be continued.] twemens. Everwy fellaw is verwy anxious to
take your portwait and to sell photogwaphs and
differwent arwangements made by aborwiginal
Indians, and to dwaw youinhisshop. Jack
FITZNOODLE IN AMERICA. says some of these fellaws are Iwishmen.
Stwange that the Amerwican climate should
XXVI. have made them so verwy bwown. I twust it
André met, quite promiscuous like, three men doesn’t have that effect on Englishmen, or I
who were almost as brave as General Howard NIAGARA—II. shall weturn at once. There’s a fierwy spwing
the Nez Percean of these degenerate times, who Ya-as; these catar- near he-ah which smells horwibly of sulphur—
drew off his boots in order to steal his striped wacts are all verwy quite aw overpowerwing, yer know—and some
socks. well in their way, woads and fields where Bwitish and Amerwi-
They found Mr. Arnold’s little memor- but — hang it —a cans fought two or thwee centurwies ago—it
anda therein, and Mr. Arnold made tracks, fellaw can’t always was called the battle of London or Monday’s
while Mr. André took a jump from a bough of be looking at Lane—and you have to go to the top of a high
a tree with a rope round his neck with the strweams of water fwamework, but I couldn’t see aw anything.
usual result in such cases. pourwing down Everwy five minutes I had to give gweenbacks
* * * * * into a wiver, yer for something or other, which is a gweat baw
know, like a and Jack charwacterwizes it as aswindle. Verwy
One thing commendable about the average brwonze figure on clevah conchologists, or fellaws who wead a
Englishman is, that when he finds he is licked a fountain. I’ve seen everwythiag connected gweat deal and pwofess things, yer know, say
he gives in. It takes some time to convince with Niagarwa, and there are a gweat many that Niagarwa ’s going backwards by degrees,
him, and very often more words than are abso- things at which a fellaw is expected to expwess but I didn’t notice any differwence during
lutely necessary have to be used to bring him surpwise, and which don’t surpwise me—except the time I was there, when I looked at the Fall
“to a full realization of it; but when he finds he that the pwowietors of these curwiously unin- from Pwospect Park. Aw I think I shall weturn
is completely sat upon, squashed, wiped out of terwesting places charge gweenbacks to let aw to New York and see a wifle match between
all miserable existence, as it were, he owns people go in. There’s an island called Goat’s Amerwica and Gweat Bwitain. I shall call on
right up. So when, on the 19th of October, Island—I weally don’t know why, because I Halford, he’s wather a decent sdrt of fellaw—
Cornwallis surrendered his army of nearly didn’t observe any goats bwowsing there, al- belongs to a wespectable family.
7,000 men prisoners of war, it began to dawn though I saw a gweat many wapids, which are
upon the English mind that America, somehow stweams of water wunning to tumble down with
or other, had the best of it. So they signed a the west. Everwything he-ah appears to be Tue sea gives her shells to the shingle, and
treaty of peace on Sept. 3, 1783, and on the inappwopwiately named. A horwidly wet place the earth gives her streams.to the sea; but the
znd of December Washington bade farewell to near the Amerwican Fall, with a verwy narwow summer boarding-house keeper never fails to
his officers. place to walk, and water dwipping down, is make mention in his bill of the pitcher you
Now, he might just as well have skipped off widiculously called the ‘‘Cave of the Winds,” broke in July. He doesn’t do business that
without saying a word; but Washington wasn’t when there’s only one beastly wind blowing all way,
 Oo eeeeeeeeeeeeeeEeOeeeeeeee@r—”—__OOEEOEOOO—————e—

RETALIATION.
He] ® called at our office. Hesaid he knew
we were busy, but he hoped we wouldn’t
mind a short interruption.
We didn’t mind it at all. We rather liked it,
** Do you know,” he said, sitting in the chair
and drawing near our elbow—so near in fact
that it became impossible to move the blue
lead-pencil an inch further—‘“‘I believe in Re-
taliation ?”
**Do you indeed ?”
“Yes; Retaliation for rich and poor, young
and old. I have a theory on this subject which
I wish to explain to you. I have no doubt you
will admit its originality, and it may perhaps
afford you a good theme for an editorial—”
** That’s what we want, sir.”
‘‘In the first place, none of us are as good
as we ought to be.”
‘None, sir.”” Modesty prevented us from
saying there might be an exception.
‘*We all do wrong; some of us more than
others. When that wrong is done as wrong in
the abstract, that is to say, where it does not
cause immediate suffering to others, it is not
likely to be immediately avenged; but the
wrong for which Retaliation is lurking like a
goblin in the dark shadows of the future, is the
wrong that causes suffering to others. Ven-
Sitlthouuctiexs geance swings her tomahawk, and starts on the
trail of Injustice like a juggernaut with the
AND brakes busted!”
We grew alarmed at his earnestness, and up-
S ow wg=. set the mucjlage over his trowsers, but he didn’t
mind.
cer => *“Now /,” he said solemnly, looking us
straight in the eye, ‘“‘/ have been a sufferer.”
“No?”
VI.
“I believe in Retaliation. All those who
have done me wrong will, in the lapse of time,
THE HATEFUL THREE. be done wrong to, with doubly redoubled vigor.
Retaliation is the tool of fate—the plane, as it
>
were, of eternal justice. Chas. A. Dana is

“a
hate the fox,” the young girl cried, The fox, the wily, selfish friend, rushing on a career of boundless iniquity. Do
**T can’t abide a goose, Who schemes for selfish ends, you think he will rush forever? No, a thou-
And oh, a cat’s the meanest thing The goose, the silly senseless thing, sand times NO!! Deacon Richard Smith has
That ever was let loose.” Whose ignorance offends. an avenging angel, who is now sharpening the
sword that will cut off his miserable existence.
Eli Perkins has outraged Truth for years. She
How strange, that in our daily l:fe The cat, the fawning flatterer, is laying off her mildness now. She has brought
This horrid lot should be Caressing but to harm— Retaliation to her aid; and if, before many
So often, spite of all our plans, The worst of all bad company, days have sunk into oblivion, Truth doesn’t
Our steady company! Possessed of fatal charm. come down on Eli like a thousand of brick,
I’m not a man anda brother! Geo. Francis
Train is a Fenian and a Communist. He eats
So while you wander through the world, peanuts, and thinks he is honoring his native
Be cautious what you’re at; land, while the rancor he has sown in the
Avoid the fox, ignore the goose, breasts of thousands is making them miserable.
And drive away the cat. He will be cut down in the bloom of his youth,
just as sure as my name’s O’Donohue! Henry
Ward Beecher has brought desolation to the
homes of pious husbands. In the dim future I
GOLDSMITH, THE P. I. MAN. beautiful thought. Picture to yourself this
see Virtue bearing a pall, and letting it fall over
great and glorious humorist, grown pensive for
the portly loveliness of Henry Ward; and he
OLDSMITH, the Herald Personal Intel- the nonce, wandering down by the beach, fa-
won’t know what struck him! Retaliation!
ligence editor, is one of those rare hu- tigued, as it were, by the triumphs of his ‘‘ Per-
Retaliation, sir! It’s one of the invincible
morists who possess some of that beau- sonals,” and having his sublime and saddest
laws of nature! No fiend in human shape can
tiful sentiment which links the souls of men to blues gathered into the hollows of the surf. It
ever live in peace long. Even when he thinks
higher things than base lucre and free lunch. isn’t funny, though the P. I. man wrote it. It
himself most secure, while his villainy seems to
In a moment of poetic rapture he remarks: is plaintively sentimental, and as we gaze at
be bracing itself up for further deeds, he is
‘‘ The surf is gathering into its hollows the sublime the classic brow of the Aera/d humorist, we
clutched by the throat—He—Hold on—damn
and saddest blues.” —Herald, Sep. 13. cannot help paying silent homage to that won-
it—I say—look here!——~”
This beautiful personal lies buried in a col- derful mind that can fling off the barnacles of
umn of the Aera/a’s peculiarly humorous para- banter for a time, and, steeped in the subtle * * * *

graphs. It oughtto be lifted out of this chaotic sentiment of soul, unbosom himself of such an
image: The man was dropped down the hatchway
gloom into the sunlight of universal admiration.
‘¢ The surf is gathering into its hollows the sublime by the office-boy, before we had time to inter-
Read it again. Does not every tender word
and saddest blues.” fere, and as we turned for an explanation, the
teem with soul ?
boy said:
‘‘ The surf is gathering into its hollows the sublime It is too touching a picture to be framed
and saddest blues.” with such lines of flashing wit as: “That ain’t half enough Retaliation for him
buzzing you to death. Whodder-yer-soy ?”
|
Have you never had the sublime blues? If ‘* When Mr. Bowen thinks of Mr. Beecher, he goes
not, you cannot realize in its fullest charm this into the lobby and chews soap!”—Herald, Sep. 13. And the avenging angel got his fine work in.
|
 7

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aps
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1. This is fair Wilhelmina Schmidt, the belle of Ho- 2. Neither is Herr Jakob Kugelmacher, who revels 3. Kugelmacher thinks of proposing to the lovely
in the delights of bachelorhood. Wilhelmina.
boken. She is sixteen. She is not married.

But ne fine day he makes up his mind, and starts 6. Wilhelmina receives her guest kindly, and enter~
4. He isa Teuton, and he does not act without de-
manfully for the palatial residence of the Schmidt family. tains him liberally.
liberation. Wilhelmina continues to grow while he is
thinking.

7 In a pause of the meal, Herr Kugelmacher ex-

presses to himself his delight at the fare.

= =
_10. Could it be resisted? When Kugelmacher starts for 10. On ariving at his bachelor chambers, he ex- PostcripT.—One year later.
his home, it is with difficulty that he can restrain his joy, presses his feelings in a fas seud.
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‘OURS STILL AND. FOREVER!”

 Io PUCK.
*
2 %
ss “returned, and thereiis apProepect of livelytimes
lips: was a villaiffjso deeply dyed that he
ahead. » beecamea. pleasure to ee mind. When
"The dramatist loses no rime. “Fie evidentiys| he” keg a look of terror there was no mis-
means to make good use of his six acts,. The taking it for anything else, and no Delsartian
system could have.made his purpose clearer,
husband, in the next act, interrupts a love-scene
between the villain and the heroine, and the When he’ triumphed, an elated Bashi-Bazouk
curtain falls on a blow! A blow from the hus- sitting on the carcasgyof a conquered Cossack,
band to the villain! - : was a mere puppet, for looks, in comparison
There is very warm work now. in -prospect. to him. In fact, he was a worthy, a very
The effect of the last climax would have been worthy representative of the old school in every
“UNDER THE WILLOWS”--THE OLD SCHOOL. more thrilling, perhaps, if the indignant, hus- thrilling detail. &
band hadn’t looked like a young man whom But there were those in the cast who fellShort
the wife of the old school had adopted on ac-,; of.the standard.
New York, Sept. roth, ’77. count of his tender and uncultured years; a |. The juvenile husbaiid and father, aforesaid,
was one of them.
young man, in fact, with a juvenile black wig,
Dear Fuck: “ and of such slight physical proportions that the The proud French Duke de Senville, with a
In this sensational age of innovations, when powerful villain seemed all the more powerful Tipperary accent, was another.
each dramatist vies with the other in stringing in contrast. But even as it was, there was The-lover of the heroine’s daughter, of the
together new and startling effects never heard enough terror, in the old school, to answer all beautiful young girl to whom he gave his ‘first,
of before, it is a relief to be taken back to the purposes without adventitious aids. his fondest love,’ was of that dyspeptic exterior
drama of years ago, with a good old-fashioned Now we all know that no good old-fashioned which does not accord with Cupid’s sketch-.
villain, practicing the best old-fashioned vil- villain is going to allow himself to be hit in the book. He looked as though the old school had’
lainy on an old-fashioned heroine of old-fash- face by anybody under his size without vowing been too much for him and the fond dreams of
ioned purity, and to see this villainy flaunting eternal vengeance, more eternal than ever. his early youth had been shattered by very
its might through six acts, until it is finally On the other hand, the mild-eyed husband, stern realities.
crushed by old-fashioned virtue, exceedingly with a magnanimity only to be found in the These three artistic embodiments were by
triumphant, at the fall of the curtain. oli school, forgives his wife without asking any Messrs. Crossen, Metkaff, and Fuller.
There isn’t much of contemporaneous human impertinent questions, and travels to Paris with It was a pleasure, on the other hand, to see
interest about this sort of thing, but it worms the villain, to have the latter sign a paper which the fiery animation of Mr. Ed. Thorne, endea-
itself into our good graces before we knowit, anc shall relinquish his claim. voring to grapple with the old-school demands
for the sake of our ancestors, whose memories Nothing could be simpler or more natural, of Albert de Favrolles, and doing. justice to
we love, and whose opinions we respect, we The meek and too-confiding husband is them. ‘There was the healthy robustness of
look upon the resuscitated drama with some- pitched over a foot-bridge into a swamp under youth about him that was really enjoyable.
thing like affection. the willows,and when he tries to rise is shot at. Miss Jennie Murdock, as his charming sister,
“‘Under the Willows” was the name of the Curtain falls, and there is a measure of relief to was a.sweet contrast, and made all the sacrifices
play of the old school, performed by Mr. and the audience in the knowledge that, for some of the heroine-mother for her child that seem
Mrs. Waller of the old school, at the Lyceum time at least, there will be one character less to | justifiable.
Theatre, last week. take care of. I have a sort of affection, mild affection, for
It is in six acts. This is the one fact that is ‘The machinations of the villain now be- the old school, but, with the best of intentions,
confusing. Why should the dramatist have come simply terrible. He assumes the dead I can’t venerate it. I have grown up with it,
limited himself to six acts-—save for the pur- husband’s name, tries to delude the son of the but I have become reconstructed. I don’t
pose of permitting his auditors to get to bed heroine withthe adage that it’s. a wise child want my villains labeled so plainly, and the
before the next day? The story of the drama that knows its own father, and heaps an ineffa- stamp of virtue so painfully visible on my
doesn’t call for an end in act six. The villain, ble amount of agony upon the poor heroine’s heroes and heroines.
without much strain on his executive faculties, head, by alienating the affections of her off- But, independent of all personal considera-
could easily pile on enough agony for two or spring. tion, I sincerely recommend all those who still
three additional acts. There are numerous outbursts of ‘‘ What, love the plays made glorious by the idols of
As a lover of the old school, but strictly im-
i you my father! Never!” on the part of_ the their youth, to witness ‘“‘ Under the Willows,”
partial withal, I have a right to demand a few virtuous young hero; but, in spite of these dra- for it is tinged with the gaudiest colors of
more acts, if I feel that my appetite for the matic protestations, he has to accept the situa- fiction, steeped in the deepest depths of in-
drama of my fathers has not been appeased. tion, in obedience to the playwright of the old tensity, and made palatable by the most expe-
school. He makes several rash attempts to rienced caterers.
It may be interesting to the young genera-
tion of theatre-goers to be initiated into the choke off the double-dyed villain in fits of Rejuvenatedly yours,
mysteries of ‘‘ Under the Willows,” moral indignation; but each time something
intervenes to prevent the proper execution of Sivas DRIFT.
"The first act is all happiness. No modern
flippant happiness, that might grow out of the the task. When the wildness of the deeds, now P.S.—I shall go to see ‘‘ Struck Oil.” That’s
victory of the American Rifle Team, but that in progress, reaches its climax, the dead hus- of a school that out-modernizes even the
radiant, lasting joy that blooms in the heart, band walks in with a delightful nonchalance, modern.
while all around is sweet tranquility. in sweet contrast to the surrounding turbulence,
There isthe heroine and mother. She is and buries his black wig among the auburn
happy. Her son and her daughter are both curls of his own true wife, to the general amaze- A VIGIL.
ment of the minor characters, the intensest

S
bethrothed. That surely is enough to make
any mother of the old school happy. Her hus- flashing of the villain’s eyes and teeth, and ap-
HE lingers alone at the portal;
band is temporarily absent. ‘That might be propriate music.
When the curtain finally falls on the sixth The night-wind, spice-laden, caresses
additional cause for happiness were she a hero-
ine of the modern school. act, the villain, whose death has been delayed The crimson rose tied in her tresses;
The son is certainly happy. He is going to so lony, is laid .low at last, and contentment She looks up and down and she sighs.
get married to a good-looking girl. reigns supreme under the willows. ‘There are
From ’hind the lace curtains I notice,
The daughter, likewise to be married, is a few minor incidents that help to fill out these
six acts, but they are all subservient to the main More fair than the breast of the lotus,
equally delighted—though in her case, the ob-
ject of her choice being a lanky young gentle- plot, which urges on its career with a fixedness Her-calm face} I envy the mortal
man, one would not think him calculated to of purpose, and a surmountableness, as it were, For whom she now strains her bright eyes.
thrill the feminine bosom with ecstasy—to any of all obstacles, which does credit to the old
great extent. school.
‘Under thé Willows’”’ was rendered by Mr. She seems, there totremble and worry
There is, furthermore, the father of the other
family, who rejoices at the coming nuptials. and Mrs. Emma Waller with a full appreciation And languish serene. For Love’s blisses
On this scene of general satisfaction, enters, of its requirements. Mrs. Waller had the re- I ween she is eager; what kisses
to weird music, the villain of the old school. quisite age completely. She never for an Must dwell on those labials dear.
We know he is a villain from the way he rolls instant forgot that she was a wife and a
mother. Nor did the audience. She was Those delicate, smile-haloed glances
his eyes and his teeth. He has been secretly
married to the heroine, which makes it un- strenuously earnest and conscientious to the Awaken bewildering romances;
pleasant for her. She, believing him dead, has utmost in the portrayal of her earnestness. ‘When steps up the stoop in a hurry
married her present lord, now absent. Mr. D. W. Waller was well fitted with the part
Her lord with a pitcher of beer.
The curtain falls on the installment of the of the villain. He was flexible beyond all
villain as secretary in the house of the husband measure of flexibility—especially about the R. K. MUNKITTRICK.
 -—
————
PUCK. II
—~ —rr a ee a

DRAMATIC NOTES. month with us at Newport, I will take no re- after he had exacted a promise from me to call
fusal, I insist!” or Vanderbilt informs me that on him in Fifth Avenue. I noticed he entered
“SecrRET SERVICE” at the Grand Opera there is always a knife and fork and a place in a bank, of which he was doubtless a director.
his house reserved, and that they dine at 7 I allowed a week to pass, and had ordered a
House. o’clock; or Astor reproaches me for forgetting new suit of clothes in which to pay my visit,
Frencu, the publisher, has secured “ Stolen
Kisses” for America. to call—then my happiness will be complete. after mentioning casually to some of my fellow
At Niblo’s, the ‘“‘ Wild Flower of Mexico” But unfortunately my circle of acquaintance clerks, and my Second Avenue friends, that I
blossoms until further notice. is limited, and—well, if the truth must be told didn’t think I could see any of them on such an
THE WILLIAMSONS opened to an immense — it’s limited both in style and means. Often evening, as I was going to spend it with the
while walking along Fifth Avenue, I contem- Schmidt’s on Fifth Avenue—‘ quite intimate
house last Monday night. More anon.
plated the elegant mansions on either side and friends, you know.” ‘The information had its
Macnus & BuNNER’s new play is to be done
wondered if I should ever enter their magic effect, and I could see that I rose twenty-five
in Philadelphia, next month, by the Union
Square Theatre company. | portals, and tread the Axminster carpets of the per cent. in their estimation.
Mr. FRANK RoGers’s sensational play of
|elegant departments as an honored and wel- The evening I had fixed for my visit found
“ Jasper” was brought out at the Bowery The- |; come guest. me at half-past seven got up in my new but
atre last Monday with great success. Certainly at present things didn’t point very rather expensive suit, in quiet but gentlemanly
favorably in this direction. style. I had spent all my ready cash for these
AIMEE’s new company, with that fascinating
I knew nobody higher socially than a dry things, and had run into debt for the latest in
prima donna at the head, is doing well at
goods commission mzrchant who called meet- stove-pipes. I gloved my not unshapely hands
Booth’s. Puck has a character portrait of her
ings of his creditors at intervals as short as with a pair of light-yellow English kids. Dent’s
now in hand.
they were regular. best. With ylang-ylang on my hem-stitched
‘THE CRUSHED TRAGEDIAN” rises to re-
His daughters were well enough in their way, handkerchief, a red rose-bud for a boutonniére,
mark that seats can be secured at the Park The-
but the whole family was very far removed the final survey of myself in the glass was emi-
atre two weeks in advance, and you had better
from the ‘upper ten”, the arcana of which nently satisfactory. This ought certainly “to
secure them.
Tue San Francisco Mews Letter says: ‘It class Iso longed to penetrate. Besides they fetch” the fair Miss Schmidt, I involuntarily
will delight our citizens to hear that a new play lived on the east side in a not very fashionable thought. Suppose I were to marry her. Sup-
has been written for Mr. Aibischer inwhich he neighbourhood, and I always felt constrained pose I were to become a member of the great
is killed in the first act.” when making a call, for it is not pleasant to sugar-refining firm, and belong to the Coaching
Erriz GERMON has a good part in Boucicault’s visit people, however delightful they may be, Club, the Union Club, keep my stud and yacht,
new comedy at Wallack’s. So, whatever dearth who are always troubled with the ves augusta and to play polo.
of enjoyment there may be in all other respects, domi; and then I questioned whether it was The expenditure of five cents had rendered
this rdle will do its duty. the thing to countenance a man who was in a any of these things possible.
CoMMODORE ‘TOOKER has wiped off the chronic state of burst-up, unless of course he In the bright moonlight I slowly walked up
briny from his beautiful beard, and is manag- made a grand Napoleonic smash which neces- Fifth Avenue, whirling my cane. ‘The clock of /
|
}
ing Heller. There is a suggestion of the eternal sarily commands respect. Brick Church, at the corner of 37th street,
fitness of things in this announcement. But I was young and hopeful, and I believed struck eight. I had time—it would not do to
‘ Ropinson Crusoe”? is the latest and best that I should not always be a stranger to at appear too precise for a first visit to the
of the Thompson troupe burlesques at Wal- least wealthy, if not fashionable society—the Schmidt’s—a quarter past eight would be about
lack’s Lydia,in her new costume, is as radiant opportunity must sooner or later present itself, the correct hour. I had still half-a-mile to go.
as the two moons of Mars rolled into one. and I would seize it. I reached the block where the Schmidt
Amonc Max Strakosch’s engagements we The conductor, after poking me in the ribs mansion was situated. My heart beat as whose
find the name of Miss Sadie Foster, an American in the most approved manner, in order to would not beat under similar circumstances.
contralto, whose voice is highly recommended. obtain my fare, proceeded to administer the Ah! this was the house. I ascended the
She is said to be the original of ‘‘ Sadie Dar- same gentle treatment to the stout gentleman stoop, and was about to ring the bell when I
ling.” who sat next to me. suddenly discovered that I’d made a mistake.
RIGNOLD is trying to get an opening at the No nickel was forthcoming, but he pulled a It must be the next house. But no! that wasn’t
New Broadway Theatre. Without his wig, Mr. roll of not overclean greenbacks from his right either. Could I have forgotten the
Rignold is not the charmer he was once sup- pocket, and then said: number? Impossible—anything but that might
posed, and the feminine heart doesn’t yearn as ‘I don’t got notings but five-doller bills.” pass from my mind. I’d thought of little else
it used to. The conductor meekly replied, in a soft for a week. I would ask where the Schmidt’s
“THE DaniteEs”’ still urge on their sanguin- silvery voice—an excellent thing in conduc- lived, for he said everybody knew him. I rang
ary career at the Broadway Theatre. James tors: the bell at another mansion—the negro servant
W. Morrissey, the treasurer, says they are doing *‘Then I guess you’d better get off o’ this didn’t know anybody of that name.
‘a sanguinary good business.” The remark is car. D’ye think I carry the United States I was almost in despair, but these niggers
mystic; but we hope so. Treasury in my pocket to change your five- were so stupid I would inquire elsewhere.
Ir Boucicault intends to call hisnew comedy dollar bills ?” I walked back again to the corner of the
“‘ Marriage,” he had better be informed that a ‘* Allow me, sir,”’ said I to the fat gentleman, block near some stables and smaller houses.
play by that name was done by Jas. Steele “to pay your fare.” I asked a fellow who was standing at the
Mackaye, some years ago, at the St. James “Dank yer—all right—dat’s goot—ven yer door in his shirt sleeves, smoking a pipe, if he
Theatre, in 28th Street. ‘‘ Marriage” twice komms to my place I’ll gif yer der five cent.” knew where Mr. Schmidt lived.
would be “‘Bigamy,” and that’s Florence’s new ** Don’t mention it”—for I had not appeased ‘“‘ Schmidt ?—dot’s my name.”
piece. the conductor with any ulterior motive. I am 1 raised my eyes, and oh horror! recognized
naturally kind-hearted and courteous, and fond my car companion. :
of peace, and I would have paid anybody’s ‘Vell, sir, vat can I do for you?”
MY FIFTH AVENUE ACQUAINTANCE. fare to avoid high words.” I was in a cold perspiration, but I mumbled
‘Ya aber come and see me any time yer like, out something about a car.
Hee WAS a very stout gentleman with a my vife or my tochter will be dere ven I am “Oh! ja! ja! I owe yer fife cent, come in.”
rollicking air and an unmistakable Teu- not. Everybody knows me—Schmidt, numero Schmidt was the proprietor of a lager beer
tonic cast of countenance—not strik- five hundred and —, Fifth Avenyer.” saloon at five hundred and —— Fifth Avenue.
‘‘Adolph, gieb mir fiinf cent,” and the nickel
ingly refined. He had a ruddy complexion, Fifth Avenue! Fifth Avenue! And so aristo-
little blue twinkling eyes and light hair. He wet and sticky with lager beer was forced in
cratically far up-town? Fifth Avenue—here
looked rather mild tempered, and his fat was the tide in my affairs, which, taken at the my hand, ruining irretrievably my new gloves.
cheeks betokened good living. He wore a blue flood, would lead to fortune. Now had I an “« My tochter ’s gone to the Atlantic Garden
flannel suit and displayed a large solitaire dia- opportunity of realizing my heart’s fondest mit her feller; but dot’s my vife,” said Schmidt
mond in his shirt bosom, and his round head hope. —pointing to a very homely fat woman who
was surmounted .with a not yery. expensive How blind I was not to see that the stout was talking in a loud tone to two dirty Ger-
straw hat. 4 , . foreign gentleman was a large capitalist. Now man mechanics who were playing euchre. ~
_ We met one morning, about half past nine, I looked at him again—real estate, bonds, and I could say nothing,
in a Broadway car. dollars, seemed marked in every line in his face. “Vat ‘ll you take, a schooner?—Adolf,
I am young but ambitious. My salary down True, he might have been but a few years mak- ein pony und ein schooner.”
town is exeedingly small, while my aspirations ing his fortune, but what of that—he had I know I sipped the beer, and I know I spilt
are proportionately great. I want to shine in made it. the remaining contents al! over my new scarf,
society. I want to know rich and fashionable I remembered, too, that I had heard the vest, and trousers—I know that I frantically
people. When the time comes that Belmont Schmidt’s spoken of large sugar refiners. rushed out of Schmidt’s saloon, ran a mile to
will say “look here, Smith, comé ‘and stay a I took leave of Mr. Schmidt in Broadway, my boarding-house and tumbled into bed.
 I2 PUCK.
“she wouldn’t be sarcastic if she could. You
Pwo ffnaves and a fuse.
René had been reflecting that the character
thought her words were shot at you because she wished to represent would not be thus af.-
you know you deserved to be shot. I said to fected; she shook her head stupidly.
AN ENGLISH STORY. myself, when I saw that little woman there, and ‘And have you never heard music in an op-
By FRANK BARRETT. heard who she was, ‘Old Hugh’s making a mis- era which has made you resent some inharmo-
take, and he'll get tangled with Mrs. Rey- nious action upon the stage? Never felt that
(7his Story was begun in No. 4. Back Numbers can nolds,’ ”’ your senses were bound to devout inaction ?”
be obtained at the office of PUCK, 13 North William st.) “‘ You might have said so to me, Charlie. Peo- ‘*T don’t know what you mean.”
ple are not so oppressed with a consciousness ‘*Then you will not be able to understand
of your wisdom that you should deny them an why I could not answer you.”
CHAPTER XXIV. occasional proof,” René saw that he looked at her as if with ten-
5om lived away from his studio, and “Hang it all, you’re not such a child that der regret that sucha perfect body should hold
you should depend upon your friends for direc- no soul in keeping with it.
he usually spent the evening in a club,
* whose members were painters, writers, tion in such simple matters of danger and safety. “1 wonder if I could understand my having
and musicians, with little more than aspira- Are you to be warned that it is dangerous to the same feeling of regret that one with beauti-
tions, and the tools they worked with, and play with fire ?” ful sentiment should be wanting in adequate
“You don’t understand how this thing came feeling ?”” she thought.
genius for their possessions, Here Hugh found
Charlie Brock, laughing loudly at his own sim- about. I write to Kate Eason to come and sit “You can take no position that is not grace-
ple jokes, as was his nature to. Brock was one for me. She at that time is engaged, but sends ful, so choose one that is easy to yourself, for I
of those happy men whose bodies and minds this Mrs, Reynolds.” warn you, henceforward you will have to keep
“A girl you had been madly in love with a to it,” said Hugh.
are too robust to be affected by the accidental
few years before.” “Will you be very angry with me if I am
conditions and circumstances that sadden the
** Madly, as you say. Had I been soberly in naughty, and move ?” asked René once more,
greater part of mankind,
Seeing Hugh, he broke away from the knot love with her it might have been different. beseechingly. She laughed at the effect upon
The poor soul wanted money badly. I couldn’t Hugh.
of men he centered, and catching his old com-
panion by the arm, dragged him into a corner affront her by offering charity. 1 knew that I ** You will tempt me to be cross if the result
should not fall in love with her.” is so beautiful to look upon. I wonder how
for a little quiet chat. Charlie’s quiet chat was
‘* And disregarded the possibility of her fall- you would look if I could make you angry ?”
broken up by bursts of laughter, and was audi-
ing in love with you.” He worked steadily. It was not difficult to
ble in remote places.
“Came from Wales this morning—Llan- ‘* But she was married, and neither of us had get the outline—that was mechanical drawing.
dudno; horrid wet, of course. Capital bit of a vestige of our former feeling for each other.” It was the delineation of expression that would
fun. Noah—you know old Smith: wears an ‘“*'That’s no reason why it should not revive. try his powers.
ulster down to his boots, and little round hat, In fact it is only logical to suppose that a feel- It was not long before René began to fidget.
ing dulled by separation should be revived by Whilst Hugh was making progress she was
for all the world as if he’d been turned out of
association. You are not a fool, Hugh, but making none. Hugh proposed she should take
the Ark for wearing boots, ha, ha!—trying to
get over a boulder, caught his petticoat, and your resolution makes you blind to the fraility a rest. Whilst she was walking round the stu-
went slap into a ditch, canvas and all, ha, ha! of others, Whilst you feel yourself to be im- dio she bent her head over a pot of hyacinths,
maculate, you conceive every one you have to “You are fond of flowers,” said Hugh.
Been at it a week, ho, ho! Off by morning
mail to-morrow to Italy. ‘The native’s there do with to be as exceptional. I don’t believe ‘“‘ Every girl loves them.”
—you know, Wilks. Had a letter from him on that even you are immaculate. If this woman ‘* Have you any in your home ?”
Monday. Got half a room for me—capital!— had fallen in love with you, the probability is you ‘‘No. ‘There is no one to give them to me.”
near all the big shows. Straw mattresses, lovely would have fallen too. A man’s vanity dis- ‘¢'That is no reason why you should not have
atmosphere; lots of old men, peasants, fisher- poses him to love a woman who shows a prefer- them. ‘They are sweet enough in themselves,
boys, bad smells, maccaroni, dirt, everything— ence for him. Why shouldn’t Mrs, Reynolds without additional sentiment. You should go
ten shillings a week. Dirt cheap, ha, ha! ‘The love you again? You're better-looking than to Covent Garden early, and see the flower-
native’s stark mad about your cousin,” ever you were, and there's a kind of sweetness market. You could carry home a hyacinth as
** My cousin!” in your nature that shines in your eyes and I do.”
‘* Miss Biron, She is there—turned the whole your actions, and would make any woman love “You forget that I am a lady.”
place upside down; every one raves about her. you.” ‘* No, I don’t.”
The most beautiful woman that has lived since ‘* But this woman has a husband.” ‘I would go to the market if any one would
Phryne, native says. He is old enough to know. ‘* Men have wives, yet are continually getting go with me”
Of course, my dear fellow, he did not mean to into scrapes. Married women are no more Hugh laughed.
institute a comparison between the two ladies, than flesh and blood; why shouldn’t they be ‘Well, I will take you,” he said.
although your cousin does seem rather of the affected with the same complaint as men?” ““That is kind,” said she, clapping her
rapidest. Buys pictures, encourages fiddlers, ** As a fact they are not.” hands.
supplies poets with hair-oil, and gives immense ‘** Because they have less temptation. I am ‘We must be there not later than seven.”
entertainments,at which every one with a claim lad it is all over happily, and that neither has ‘* Oh, isn’t that dreadfully early?”
to art is welcome. She is the head of the Bo- allen. And so you think Kate Eason pretty ?” ‘* Where shall I meet you ?”
hemian set— they call her Queen of Bohemia— “* She is beautiful!” ‘* By the lions in Trafalgar Square.”
and she spends money as if all Golconda was ‘You spoony old muff! I believe you'll “‘ And will you be there at half-past six ?”
hers besides. You couldn’t have spent your never be anything but a great child at heart. René promised.
money better if you yourself had it to play I hope you never may. I would.give all I have Hugh waited an hour at the appointed place,
with. The native will introduce me at her to see unbounded purity in my fellow-creatures, and then went alone to the market, and with
levee. You need not be surprised if I address beauty in Kate Eason, and good in everything. two pots of spring flowers in his arms and a
you in my next letter deau-cousin.” Old angels like you go over the clouds, and see pipe in his mouth walked pleasantly to his stu-
** Does he say anything else about her ?” only their silver side.” dio. He sat down for some moments before
“Says she is coming to England in May, the outline he had made, pleased with the work
and will bring all her people with her. Speaks Hugh was at his studio early, with a large he had done, and delighted with the prospect
about M. Antoine de Gaillefontaine, who is canvas on which he prepared to work seriously of carrying out a difficult task. He lit a fire,
hand-in-glove with the opera people, and has at the new subject. René was purposely late. fetched some groceries, and cooked a bache-
a theatre constructed at the estate in Berkshire ‘* Will you forgive me ?” she asked, in a tone lor’s breakfast. When that was finished he
for Sunday opera, with a view to enlisting the of soft entreaty, crouching her shoulders in looked round the room with dissatisfaction, and
sympathies of the God-fearing. By George, mock humility, and looking into his face with set about putting it in order. The more untidy
there will be a revolution in England if the Bo- soft beseeching eyes. cy it was the better he liked it hitherto: his pre-
hemian queen’s exchequer holds out! Ishall Hugh could not answer, but looked upon the sent discontent could only be explained by a
write to you, of course. By the way, you have lovely picture before him in rapt admiration. feeling that it might be unpleasing to the sensi-
moved from No. 4; where are you now? and She maintained her expression for a full minute, tive taste of a woman. He looked at his watch
what are you doing? Have you anything on then slowly her eyes and lips melted into a soft at ten o’clock, and fished it out every five min-
hand for the Academy? ‘Tell me all about smile. Hugh trembled with delight. Her eyes utes until eleven, from which hour until twelve
yourself. Let me see—that little country girl sparkled, she clapped her hands, and cried: it hung upon his easel, and was consulted at un-
was sitting for you when I left; does she still ** Why don’t you answer ?” certain but brief intervals. He could not feel
sit, or has her husband carried her off ?” “It is sacrilege to speak at certain moments. angry with René, but began to fear grievously
Hugh told of his new model and the event Have you ever come suddenly upon some beau- she would not come. Her appearance made
of the morning. Brock looked serious. tiful bit of natural scenery, and found yourself his heart bound, and his happiness was appa-
“I know Kate Eason well enough,” said he; unable to move or speak ?” rent in his face.
_
PUCK. «3
_ “Why don’t you look a bit vexed ?” said THE ASSUMPTION OF VICE. force hirself upon an innocent girl as the
e. undergraduate had done would unquestionably
He shook his head, looking at her beautiful (Boucicaulted from the N. Y. Times.) pick pockets, or perpetrate any other detestable
face with delight. crime. Meanwhile the young man begged for
“Perhaps you didn’t keep your appoint- OMADIC flirtation, or the sweet con- mercy, and implored the young lady to look in
ment,” she suggested. verse of two souls who travel in one her pocket and see if she could not find the
“Oh, but I did, and waited there until the railway-car, isthe most ecstatic pleasure missing watch. The conductor, who was a
liceman regarded me with a suspicious eye. known to the mild young man who loves to put married man, and knew that the female pocket
I believe he thought I had sinister designs upon on the appearance of vice. The rural under- is never used for watch-carrying purposes, was
the lions.” graduate, who never drinks anything stronger so indignant at what he called the “‘ cheek” of
“ And weren’t you terribly angry then ?” than currant-wine, and whose nearest approach this suggestion that he called a brakeman to
“No. My sentiments haven’t altered since to gallantry has been a game of backgammon hold the miserable young man, so that he could
yesterday. I don’t forget that you are a lady.” with his maiden aunt, no sooner enters a railway- ‘go through him,” as he metaphorically ex-
René was genuinely pleased, and so forget- train on his way home to spend a vacation, pressed it. The young man was accordingly
ting herself, acknowledged Hugh’s speech with than he joins with others of his kind in singing searched with great thoroughness, but with no
a grand curtsey. roaring bacchanalian choruses and _ loudly notable result save the discovery of a small
‘¢ What do you think of the alteration I have wishes that he had thought to bring a pack of comb, which he providently carried in his
made in the studio ?” cards with him, so that a game of euchre “ for pocket in order to be prepared in case of a
“You have made it beautiful. And, oh! the drinks” might be practicable. It is this sudden and profuse growth of mustache.
these are lovely flowers! Now this serves me longing to be credited with vices which, in his When it became evident that the watch was
right. If I hadn’t been so lazy, these would inmost heart, he spurns, that leads him to seize not concealed upon his person, it was decided
have been mine.” with avidity any opportunity to enter into con- that he had either swallowed it or secretly
“They are yours, whether or no, if you will versation with the first silly girl whose attention dropped it out of the window, and the con-
have them. I bought them for no one else.” he may attract. Many a youth who would ductor, partly in order to prevent the effusion
René turned round and looked at him, with blush at a glimpse of his sister’s innocent of blood on the velvet cushions of the car,
such true gratitude in her eyes as Hugh had stockings floating from the clothes-line, is ex- stopped the train and deposited the young man
not seen there before. alted to the summit of bliss if he can imagine in a nice swampy spot. Precisely fifteen min-
‘“‘ You waited a long, long while for me; and that some censorious person mistakes him for a utes afterwards Miss Sarah Jane gave a joyful
then, instead of being angry, you spend money hardened roué. In point of fact, this mistake shriek and extricated the watch from some mys-
and carry two heavy pots all the way from Co- is never made, since he bears the brand of terious locality immediately behind the front of
vent Garden here to give pleasure tome. Now innocence upon his brow, and proclaims by her dress, into which it had accidentally slipped.
that is generosity.” every action the harmless idiocy of his charac- Thus was the innocence of the undergraduate
She sat patiently all the morning, and could ter. Nevertheless, his self-conceit is wounded established, and he thereupon sank in public
not feel angry with this amiable cousin. When by no suspicion of the truth, and he firmly be- estimation from a skillful pickpocket to the
she was prepared to leave, she said: lieves that his innocent ears are hidden by the more degrading position of an unlimited idiot.
“‘T will be as kind to these flowers as I was lion’s skin of vice in which he masquerades. But as the young man awakes to a full realization
cruel to you. For your sake I will not neglect The delights of nomadic flirtation were re- of his physical discomfort he weakens alto-
them. Aren’t you going to do any more work cently signally illustrated by the experience of gether on the pleasures of moral depravity,
to-day ?” a youthful student of one of the colleges in this and concludes that it is much better to pursue
‘Yes; but I shall carry those flowers to Tra- State. While in a railway-car, this young man the even tenor of manly chastity than to assume
falgar Square first.” saw an unprotected young lady, and marked a vice, if you have it not.
“Oh, no. It looks so foolish for a man to her for his prey. ‘Taking a seat beside her, he
carry two pots of flowers.” began a conversation by a few powerful and
** Don’t you think it is better to look foolish convincing remarks upon the weather. The
than to feel selfish ? Unless you fear what peo- young lady, who was quite his peer in amiable
ple may think to see you with such a queer silliness, at first answered him in able mono-
porter, I will carry them.” syllables, and finally, yielding to the wiles of
her new acquaintance, joined with him in
People in the street did stare at him with his devouring the seductive peanut, and in trying
tulips and clyclamens; but René was pleased her fortune with the prize-candy that cheats
with the service rendered her, and his manner but does not inebriate—unless we may regard
of rendering it. Without regard to her social colic as an intoxication of the stomach. For
position, but for herself alone, Hugh was pay- nearly an hour this rare and radiant maiden,
ing her a compliment which she fully appreci- whom her parents named Sarah Jane, and this A STUDENT in a Wisconsin college is named
ated. Another gentleman might have carried
the pots—in a cab; but she knew of none who
innocuous undergraduate, whose name is cha- Evan Evan Evans.—Zx. ’Evans! —/hila.
ritably suppressed, flirted to their own immense Press.
would have made himself conspicuous without
satisfaction, and indulged in that curious
showing that he was making a sacrifice for her. SCIENCE is discussing the question, ‘‘ What
though innocent amusement known as “ tee-
Hugh was passionately fond of Nature, and heeing,” until the other passengers even wished will become of the last man?” We know.
the tulips gave him a subject to talk upon. Of that they were dead. Finally, the young man He'll get left.
primroses—where the first was to be found— felt that he must retire in order to chuckle in A BURGLAR can make no explanation of his
and crocuses and sky-anemones he spoke; and private and ease his strained mind by exult- presence that will satisfy a front-yard bull-dog.
then of birds and their songs, and the habits of ingly calling himself a “wild young devil,” —New Orleans Picayune.
squirrels and dormice. Of these simple things and he thereupon sought the smoking-car and ‘* Every cloud has a silver lining,” and many
he talked with a pleasant freedom, as if rather painfully began the consumption of a mild a man wishes his pocketbook was a good-sized,
to an old companion than to a young girl whose Connecticut cigar. healthy cloud.—/’ila, Bulletin.
acquaintance was of to-day. Such conversa- His dream of bliss was soon interrupted by
tion was a novelty to René, whom men ad- the appearance of the conductor, who abruptly WE may not all be artists, but we can appre-
dressed usually as if she could understand and demanded “that watch.” Now, the young man ciate the difference between an Italian sunset
appreciate nothing but verbal compliment and had no watch of any kind, and said so witha and a circus bill-board.— Oi City Caiz.
flattery. She experienced the delight of being clearness that did him credit. ‘The conductor Wuen Brigham Young wanted to talk lov-
treated by a man as his equal in agreeable taste then explained that he had stolen a young ingly to his wife, he always began by calling
and intelligence. Hugh’s voice, too, was musi- lady’s watch, and that he must come with him her ‘‘ sweet sixteen.” —/%ila. Herald.
cal and soft and sweet; in his whole manner and restore it without delay. Red as a rose
there was to René an inexpressible charm, which TueEy have found a new planet out in Michi-
was he when he confronted the young lady,
soothed her spirit like the narcotic odor of with his collar in the tight grasp of the con-
gan, but it isn’t certain that it isn’t the tip end
some flowers. of Zach Chandler’s nose.— Boston Fost.
ductor’s hand, and timidly denied her fierce
All too soon for both they reached Trafalgar accusation that he wasa pickpocket. Of course, GENERAL Howarp is not personally ac-
Square, and there Hugh left her. the incident created immense excitement in the quainted with Chief Joseph. ‘This is what em-
“No wonder that little wretch loves him,” car, and the young lady’s tears were accepted barrasses operations between them.—Dandbury
said René, with a capriciousness not inconsist- by everybody as conclusive evidence of the News.
ent with her temper. And then, thinking of truth of her charge. One old gentleman, who Somesopy says: “ Every failure is a step to
Mattie, she became angry again with Hugh— had been unable to read his newspaper in con- success.” This will explain why the oftener
and herself, sequence of the prolonged “‘tee-heeing” already some men fail the richer they become.—orr.
’ (To be continued.) mentioned, remarked that a man who would Herald.
 14 PUCK.
——

Ir looks as if the era of good feeling had Naminc horse-cars after distinguished men Tue Turkish Minister says Osman Pasha is
arrived, when we see the citizens of Ohio has its disadvantages. A prohibitory friend of not an American, and that he was born in Asi4
adopting the Kentucky custom of lynching ours was shocked to hear the remark made that Minor. But this doesn’t settle it.. The Ten-
criminals, “Gov. Talbot had just gone up Columbia Ave- nessee papers will now claim .that he left that
nue chock full.” —Boston Bulletin. State when quite young, and was accidentally
Wuatever else may be said against the Chi-
nese, no one can truthfully say that he ever born in Asia Minor before he returned,—JVorr,
No endearing tones, no helpof loving hands,
saw one who parted his hair in the middle.— Herald.
no ministration however gentle, no aid however
Chinese Flerala. kindly intentioned, is of the slightest benefit to In garrets and closets and woodshed lofts,
One little grain of sand in a gooseberry-tart aman when he is engaged in getting into a lengths of rusty stovepipe are now holding con-
may cause a statesman to abandon for the time tight-fitting shirt.— Bridgeport Standard. ventions, and passing resolutions to the effect
his defense of the best financial theory in the that they will stand up and be counted, but
THE city authorities should give some sup-
world.— Rome Sentine/. never coerced by a red-faced man superin-
port to those out of work,” cries an excited
tended by a tearful yet determined woman.—
Tue reign of the saw-is approaching, and the exchange. ‘They do; lamp-posts are placed at
Worcester Press.
woodpile is smiling with joy, while the father- every corner, and what more support do those
less husband is sighing for a muscular, tractable who do not work want ?-—Phila. Bulletin. A NEw edition of etiquette says that it is no
boy.—Rhinebeck Gazette. longer fashionable for young men to call on
A MEDICAL journal gives the antidotes to a
their girlson Saturday evening. ‘This will give
WHERE one woman scans the horizon for number of poisons, and adds: ‘These reme-
the girlsa chance to put their hair up in bits of
signs of the dawn of a brighter era, ten are dies must be given before the doctor comes.”
paper before one o’clock on Sunday morning.
scouting among their neighbors trying to bor- By all means. Give the patient at least one
And, besides, we think six nights a week is often
row saleratus.—ome Sentinel. chance for his life.—Zouisville Courier Journal. enough, anyhow.— Norristown Herald.
Ir the agile Turk would only go to sleep and Tuey had a seance up in Fishtown the other
A MAN who had been out nearly all night
dream some more of the hour and, consequent- evening, and brought the materialized spirit of
told his wife on reaching home that he had
ly, not be so wide awake, it would please the Lindlay Murray in, and when Lindlay answered
made the important discovery that the earth
Russians mightily. — Od City Derrick.. a question with ‘‘ My wishes /as been granted,”
had two moons as well as Mars. Just before he
there was no mistaking his identity.—/%i/a.
A FARMER was asked why he did not take the got into bed he tried to blow out two flames of
Press. gas at the same time, and in consequence his
newspaper, ‘‘ Because,” said he, ‘‘ my father,
when he died, left me a good many newspapers, WE notice by the papers that a ten million wife placed no confidence in his important dis-
and I have not read them through yet.” — ome dollar bore is to be put under the Appenines covery.—Lhila. Bulletin.
Sentinel. for railroad use. If they should conclude to
THE latest brain-bubble is an advertisement
use any cheaper ones, we would like to furnish of a peculiar soap, warranted to prevent the
THE young ladies who have returned from three or four from Bridgeport.— Bridgeport
the sea-shore and country have now a new user from contracting the itch. Journalists who
Standard.
amusement. ‘They while away the dull after- have to write the names of Russian generals,
noons counting each others freckles.—- /Ai/a. THE Jewish New Year is being celebrated by would occasionally like to contract the ‘ itch”
Bulletin. our Jewish fellow-citizens. Its principal fea- very much. Remarks of this nature constantly
ture is not the purchase of diaries and a gene- on hand and for sale, by the inch or column.
What is the difference between a school-boy
ral swearing-off, in which respect it differs In large quantities they come very low.—San
studying his lessons and a farmer watching his
somewhat from the Christian New Year.— ew- Francisco News-Letter.
cows? Ans.: One is stocking his mind and
ark Call.
the other is minding his stock.—JVorristown JOAQUIN MILLER says of one of his tangle-
Williams. They had private theatricals at Newport, and haired heroines that she ‘‘swept the lonesome
Ir a resident of a city is a citizen, and he a criticism thereupon describes Col. George E. sea.” It would have been more to her credit
who lives in the country is a countryman, does Waring as ‘‘a beautiful but too cold lover.” to haye been at home sweeping the lonesome
it necessarily follow that the man who lives in His wife was playing in the same piece, and it kitchen, or helping her poor old mother wash
a burg is a burglar ?—Analytical Paragrapher is unjust to censure a man who hadn’t a fair up the supper dishes instead of tramping off
(Norr. Herald). chance.— Detroit Free Press. with such a n-ocean in her head.— Buffalo Ex-
A WAITER at one of the Atlantic City hotels, press.
THE matrimonial season will presently begin,
and then the fact will be demonstrated that a Dane, converses with the guests in five Eu- WE learn that the members of the Para-
Newark lady school teachers don’t waste their ropean languages; but unless he can carry a graphers’ Association have agreed to leave all
time altogether during the vacation months. plate of soup without immersing his thumbs their money to the Ear Infirmary.—/. Y. Her-
Newark Cail. two inches in the liquid, his education is far ald. When the managers of the Infirmary
from complete.—Vorristown Herald. come into possession of this sum they will be
THERE is a literary society up-town, one of
the members of which is a hotel waiter, and One of our exchanges asks: ‘“‘What is the almost rich enough to havea new coat of white-
difference between a girl and a night-cap?” wash put on the back fence.—Jorristown H.
he’s the most troublesome man in the concern.
He is continually moving to lay things on the There is a broad difference, sir. You couldn’t Williams.
table.— Worcester Press. eat ice-cream or lean over the front gate Sun- ‘‘Far be it from us to doubt the word of a
A Connecticut editor wants to know if day nights with a night-cap. A very simple brother editor,” says the La Crosse Sun; “‘ we
cats can count. We deline to answer. We question to ask.— Gowanda Enterprise. believe them all to be truthful men; but when
discover in this insidious question a proposition A ROsEVILLE young man married a girl some the Durand 7imes says that the water is so low
to reopen the electoral-commission controversy. time ago because she played the piano so di- at the mouth of the Chippewa River that cat-
— Rochester Democrat. vinely. She plays as divinely now as she ever fish have to employ mud-turtles to tow them
did, and the Rosevilie young man has put up over the bar, we feel as though the editor must
THERE is some philosophy in the conclusion
with cold cuts principally ever since his mar- be away, and some local minister filling his
arrived at by the Hvening Zelegram, that put-
riage, and has lost his interest in piano play- place.”
ting a bullet into your gun and aiming at the
correct target are rules which should always be ing. WHEN Mrs. Van Cott comes singing down
observed in rifle-matches. A CincInNATI liquor dealer applied to a cus- the aisle, and fixes her reviving eyes upon a
tomer for a letter of recommendation of a cer- man, and he turns pale and trembles, she thinks
WHILE we are wrestling with the momentous
tain brand of whiskey he had recently sold him. his soul is awakened. Yet we have seen the
question of unemployed labor, let us pause to
The customer wrote ‘I have tried all sorts of very same look in a man’s face when he turned
consider how steadily and lucratively employed
insect poison, and find none equal to your old round after kissing the servant girl and sud-
is the man who minds his own business.—
cabinet whiskey.”—xchange who has been denly encountered his wife’s mother.— Burding-
Brookville Jeffersonian.
there. ton Hawkeye.
BrRIGHAM YOUNG despised paragraphers, and
SHAKSPEARE at midnight — Husband (as Ir was an enthusiastic fisherman. He had
he hated their association. He never read Romeo) experimenting with his night-key at the caught a half-dozen black bass about the size of
their warnings against green corn and early
front door—‘‘‘Too early seen unknown, and sardines, and proudly placed the catch before
peaches, and now he is singing where the an-
known too late.” Wife (as /u/iet) leaning out a farmer for inspection. ‘The Granger turned
gels are. Not.—Hawihkeye.
of the bedroom window, her cheek upon her the little fishes over with the blade of his knife,
Tue health journals now say that we must hand— ‘‘ Rummy, oh, rummy, oh, wherefore and looking up in the face of the fisherman,
sleep with our head toward the north in order art thou rummy, oh?” Husband (looking up remarked in painfully measured syllables:
to be healthy. By and bya man will need the affrightedly)—“ Alack, there lies more peril in ** Wouldn’t—you— have — been—about—as--
services of a civil engineer when he sleeps in a thine eye than twenty of their swords.” —J. Y. well—off—if—you—had—kept—your— bait—
strange bed.— Zurner's Falls Reporter. Com. and—cooked—it ?”— Zusner’s Falls Reporter.
 oui on
PUCK.
the pi: mel.
: to WuHEN the young lady of the period man
entertain simultaneously the two rivals a
—

lay learn alesson from thein. hereaffections, and sends them away éach in
-opens#s mouth to disclose richness. the best of spirits, with the idea that her pre-
‘clam wears a rough exterior, but he is a ference for him was clearly manifested, we shalli| _. os
; and. sotial gentleman at. heart. So are believe that this thing of” social ‘sciefice has |*
rr.
p whom the world considers harsh and un- made’a high degree of | progress.— Boston Jra-|
congenial. veler, .e
fts, The wife may learn a aos from the clam.

ponne > || CEMELEMEN'S mers

n-
It keeps its house in order, and never strolls
ect about to the neglect of duty.
Gossips may learn a lesson from the clam.
Gar
Dut
‘in- ~ ‘It never opens its mouth at the wrong time, and mae cor | 174 Fifth Ave, <-~)69 Broadway,
keeps its secret while life lasts. Science says & One es Drag
TUREASOF Between 22d
& 23rd ‘sneat a — Srreer,
that it took millions of yearstto evolve man
from the clam; observation shows that it takes
no
less than a minute to transfer’ the. clam into the OMEitll = \RUNK @ UNGER,
on
ive
man. this,mela ~~. “No, 50 PARK PLAGE, N.¥.,
Business men may Jearn a Jessie from ‘ike Natice
ottions Dae mt ‘Se || Sole Agentgifor
clam. It has no smile during “business hours,
but when it feels the warmth of society, it opens Pryborn ess = || Ayala-Chateau d’Ay
its very. heart, and. gives itself up to increase JLff4 | . CHAMPAGNES.
_ the jollity of the hour.
compnessen
ease i TAUNUS NATURAL SELSER WATER,
THERE are certain little things going to show EG SEEISCHMMANN Bt
CAPT 7 | IMPORTERSOF WINES. BRANDIES. ETC.
that the. world is really and truly growing bet- : S GENUINE ARTIC. a THE
Less: than a year ago numbers of men, : — eS I ‘BLACK AND COLORED PRINTING INKS

Y
ronynanrs FREDKH,LEVE&00.
ter.
were led about the streets or were seen on cor-
Usip on THIS’PAPER ARE MANUFACTURED BY
' pers having Signs hung to their necks reading:
“This man has been blind for fourteen years,”
or “ This' man was made entirely deaf by a
boiler explosiom.”? There is nowsitting on the
curbstone’on Monroe Avenue an alms-asker, ‘Madison Square, 32. Beékman Street, NEW FORK.
who carries a sigm saying: “T his man fears he
is going blind—please aid him.” ‘That's a great 2 = YoRrR=.
aa
«.
coming down: He simply believes he is going
blind, and hesitates to say that he can’t read a
handbill. Another man «on Michigan Avenue
Highest Rewards:. PARIS, VIENNA &NEW YORK. sf
BRANCH: x *“PUCK’S
Old Post Office. Building, |
Dastrated Almanac
ss placarded as: “ Have pity on me—I'm deaf
in one ear.” A year ago his sign would “have NASSAU ST., Ne ¥.
read: ‘“‘ This man hasn’t been able to hear the
rumble of<anéarthquake for forty yéats.” It The Best CIGARETTE |
AND JUST THE THING FOR
is a promising Sign to see these ‘‘ almost ” blind
THLAMERIQUE SUMMER SMOKING: ;
men, and the men who only shut one ear on MIXTURE OF PERIQUE AND VANITY FAIR--
the public. It shows a gradual return to the Only best
tennial Award.
French Cigarette ~~
Sample by Mail, 15 Cents,
used. Ne
:
8vo. 160 ppp. boards.
days when Truth was the brightest star in the Ask your dealer for our goods. Five Prize M
social world, and when a man who wanted to wm. Ss. we EC wae
Peeriess Topacco Works. Ro ‘ ;
~ trade off a blind horse would not only admit EDITED BY
the loss of visian, but take pains to point out
PERFECTION.» : Ay SCHENCK and GEORG ASMUS.
BOKER’S BITTERS
the ringbones andxspavins. Let us rejoice a
little bit.— Detroit Free Press. WITH

““When an Arab or a camper-out comes to a 100 ORIGINAL ILLUSTRATIONS

desirable halting place wherefore doth he pitch L. FUNKE, Tr.s Sole Agent, BY

his tent ?” asked Socrates of the crowd who

thronged. ar6und to catch the pearly words of
No. 78 Joun Street, Nw. “g P. O Box*r029. '
| +
JOSEPH KEPPLER.
wisdom which fell from his inspired lips. ‘‘So’s t
to make it stick,” suggested Alcibiades. IW... te a zt Only a limited number of advertisements of represent-
“You've got the idea,” rejoined the sage, “‘ but | ative business houses will be received for insertion in this
say, rather, to make it tar-ry.” And he smiled Pamphlet & Book Binder, |
elegantly gotten-up publication, which will appear about
paternally on the assembled Athenian youth, the middle of next September.
and took another chunk of bclony from the 8 NORTH WILLIAM ST.
plate on the bar.— Boston Traveler. Pamphlet binding of every description and Pass books for banks
a specialty.
| Keppter & SCHWARZMANN,
Persor a! attention to everything entrusted to my care. PUBLISHERS,
A younc lady, on Hoyne Avenue;,asked her
young man Saturday evening why he*calléd her OE

his Ultra, and he courteously replied that it was

a Latin quotation. “This,” he said, *‘ is my
knee, and when I add you to it I havemy knee,
PATENT COVERS FOR FILIN G PUCK.
plus Ultra, which_is. Latin for “I don’t want PRICE $1,00 EACH.
anything more on my knee. Don’t you see;
my darling?’ She said she did.=—Chicago FOR SALE AT “PUCK” OFFICE,
Tribune.
HE was a graduate of Harvard, and he gota
13 North William Street, New York.
position on one of the Philadelphia dailies last
week. ‘‘Cut that stuff of yours down,” said
the city editor, as the new man came in with a
column where a stick only was required. ‘Do
BACK NUMBERS OF PUCK
you desire a judicious elimination of the super- CAN BE SUPPLIED ON DEMAND.
fluous phraseology ?’’ mildly returned the Har-
vard man. ‘No! Boil it down!” .thundered ADDRESS, '
the city ed.. The new man is gone now— Willmer & Rogers News Co., oR, Publishers ** Puck’’
gone back to Boston. He says. there ain’t
31 Beekman Street, 13 North William Street,
“cultuah” enough in Philadelphia. — Phila.
Press, New York. New York.
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