Marriages Families and Intimate

Relationships 4th Edition Williams

Solutions Manual

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Chapter 5
LOVE: The Many Faces
Learning Objectives
After reading this chapter, students should be able to:
5.1 Compare and contrast how love was viewed by the ancient Greeks and Romans versus
Europe in the Middle Ages and the Renaissance and discuss how these views apply to
romantic and companionate love.
5.2 Identify and explain the five major theories of the origins of love and assess to what extent
these theories relate to the six styles of love.
5.3 Discuss the positive and negative aspects of jealousy.
5.4 Identify the major characteristics of mature and immature love.

Major Questions You Should Be Able to Answer

1. What is love, and what are its two principal forms?
2. What are the five principal theories on the origins of love?
3. What are three ways in which love can go awry?
4. What distinguishes immature love from mature love?

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On the Web
What Is Love?

www.elainehatfield.com

How passionate are you in your current relationship or were you in a past relationship? The
“Passionate Love” scale was created by academics Elaine Hatfield and Susan Sprecher. Go to the
website and click on “Frequently Requested Papers & Scales,” scroll down to the scales (such as
“1. Passionate Love”), and click on one of these to find out how you rate on passionate love,
companionate love, and so on.

Chapter Outline
I. 5.1 Can We Define Love?
Love is intimacy with, caring for, and commitment to another person. Many people think
love is about finding a soul mate—a best friend, confidant, and romantic partner. In other
times, places, and cultures, marriages have been made not on the basis of romantic love—
intense, passionate love—but according to other customs, such as arranged marriages.
Romantic love, which may spring out of sexual desire, can later turn to companionate love,
which emphasizes intimacy with, affection for, and commitment to another person.
 Major Question 5.1: What is love, and what are its two principal forms?

A. Is Love All about Finding a Soul Mate?

1. Love actually
2. Love in other times & places
a. Ancient Greece and Rome
b. Europe in the Middle Ages and Renaissance
c. Other countries today—Arranged marriages
B. Numbers That Matter: Love Bites
1. Cultures that value individual property rights, such as the United States, tend to
engender more jealousy. Sexually liberal countries such as Germany and the
Netherlands experience less jealousy.
2. Most objects of stalking are women—one in six are stalked at some point in their
lifetimes—but one in 19 men experience stalking victimization at some time as well.
Forty-six percent of stalking victims fear not knowing what will happen next, and
29% fear the stalking will never stop.
C. Romantic Love & Companionate Love
1. Romantic love: More than lust?
2. Companionate love: Intimacy, affection, & commitment
D. Friendship & Love
E. Example of an Expression of Romantic Love: The Kiss
1. The importance of kissing: Are you the right person for me?
2. How good a kisser are you?
F. Same-Sex Love
G. Practical Action: Love on the Internet: Can You Find the Perfect Partner Online?

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 1. People lie online
2. Online sites stress superficialities
3. Online life and real life aren’t the same
4. Our culture of infinite choice makes people avoid “settling”
5. The rise of narcissism favors short-term rather than close relationships

II. 5.2 The Origins of Love: Some Theories

Five theories to explain the origins of love are (1) biochemical theory, (2) attachment theory,
(3) wheel theory, (4) triangular theory, and (5) styles of love. We also describe the
importance of intimacy.
 Major Question 5.2: What are the five principal theories on the origins of love?

A. Biochemical Theory: “Love Is a Natural High”

1. Passionate brains awash in chemicals: PEA, oxytocin, & other substances
2. Chemical euphoria & love addiction
B. Attachment Theory: “Closeness Is a Survival Need”
1. Secure
2. Avoidant
3. Anxious/ambivalent
4. How close is too close?
C. Wheel Theory: The Four Stages of Love
1. Stage 1: Rapport—Feeling at ease
2. Stage 2: Self-revelation—Disclosing personal feelings
3. Stage 3: Mutual dependency—Sharing with each other
4. Stage 4: Intimacy need fulfillment—Reinforcing each other
D. Triangular Theory: Toward Consummate Love
1. The three components of the triangle
a. Intimacy
b. Passion
c. Decision/commitment
2. The different combinations of love
a. Liking—Intimacy only
b. Romantic love—Intimacy with passion
c. Infatuation—Passion only
d. Fatuous love—Passion and commitment
e. Empty love—Commitment only
f. Companionate love—Intimacy and commitment
E. Styles of Love: Lee’s Six Kinds of Relationships
1. Love of beauty & the physical: Eros
2. Obsessive love: Mania
3. Playful love: Ludus
4. Companionate love: Storge
5. Altruistic love: Agape
6. Practical love: Pragma
F. Trying to Quantify Love: Is Intimacy the Foundation of Loving Relationships?

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III. 5.3 The Dark Face of Love: Jealousy, Unrequited Love, & Attempts to Control
Love, particularly passionate love, can take negative forms. One threat is jealousy, which
may be either suspicious or reactive. Another is unrequited love—love that is not returned. A
third threat is when one person tries to control the behavior of another, as through
manipulation, stalking, or violence.
 Major Question 5.3: What are three ways in which love can go awry?

A. Jealousy: The Green-Eyed Monster

1. Jealousy: How it works
a. Jealousy sets boundaries for a relationship
b. Jealousy may be either suspicious or reactive
2. Characteristics of jealousy
a. Men are jealous about sex, women about intimacy
b. Men and women generally have different reactions
c. Jealous people are more apt to be insecure people
d. Jealousy isn’t always just about sex, but it often is
e. Jealousy is more prevalent in some cultures than in others
B. Unrequited Love: When Love Is Not Returned
1. More attractive rejects less attractive
2. Less serious rejects more serious
C. Controlling: Trying to Control the Love Object
1. Manipulation: From charm to threats
2. Stalking: Unwanted following
3. Violence: Emotional or physical abuse

IV. 5.4 How Can You Tell Whether It’s Meaningful Love?
Love may be immature, characterized by passionate thinking, feeling, and behavior. Or it
may be mature, consisting of energy, self-esteem, kindness, and the like.
 Major Question 5.4: What distinguishes immature love from mature love?

A. Immature versus Mature Love

1. Immature love
a. Passionate thinking
b. Passionate feeling
c. Passionate behavior
2. Mature love
a. Trustworthy and stable
b. Caring and kind
c. Someone you actually like
B. The Concept of Soul Mate Revisited

Key Terms
Agape: altruistic love—unselfish and self-sacrificing (p. 134).

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Arranged marriage: marriage with partners determined not by the bride and the groom
themselves but by their families (p. 123).
Attachment theory: suggests that our primary motivation in life is to be connected with other
people for reasons of security and survival (p. 130).
Biochemical theory: suggests that love results from our biological, chemical, and hormonal
origins (p. 129).
Companionate love: calmer than romantic love, emphasizes intimacy with, affection for, and
commitment to another person (p. 125).
Consummate love: love in which the intimacy, passion, and decision/commitment between two
partners are of the same intensity (p. 132).
Eros: love of beauty; characterized by intense emotional attachment and powerful sexual
feelings (p. 133).
Friendship: an attachment between people (p. 125).
Immature love: passionate or romantic love (p. 138).
Jealousy: a usually intolerant or even hostile emotional response to a real or imagined threat to a
love relationship (p. 135).
Lee’s six styles of love: theory that suggests there are six basic types of loving: (1) eros, (2)
mania, (3) ludus, (4) storge, (5) agape, and (6) pragma (p. 133).
Love: intimacy with, caring for, and commitment to another person (p. 123).
Ludus: a casual, carefree love that focuses on sex as recreation and the enjoyment of many
sexual partners rather than concentrating on one serious relationship (p. 133).
Mania: obsessive love, consisting of strong sexual attraction and emotional intensity, extreme
jealousy, and mood swings alternating between ecstasy and despair (p. 133).
Mature love: type of love resembling companionate love (p. 138).
Mutual dependency: the sharing of pleasures, ideas, humor, and sexual desires (p. 132).
Pragma: practical love, the type that makes a rational assessment of a potential partner’s
positives and negatives (p. 134).
Reactive jealousy: occurs when evidence is revealed of a past, present, or anticipated
relationship with another person (p. 135).
Romantic love: a powerfully emotional, intense love in which a person believes that there is
love at first sight, that there is only one true love, and that love conquers all; also called
passionate love (p. 124).
Soul mate: a person who is temperamentally suited to another—one’s best friend, confidant, and
romantic partner (p. 122).
Stalking: repeatedly pursuing and frequently harassing another person (p. 137).
Storge: an affectionate, peaceful, and companionate kind of love (p. 134).
Suspicious jealousy: occurs when there is no evidence or only ambiguous evidence for
suspecting a partner is involved with someone else (p. 135).
Triangular theory: emphasizes three important elements of love that interact with each other:
intimacy, passion, and decision/commitment (p. 132).
Unrequited love: love that is not returned (p. 136).

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Wheel theory: suggests that love develops and is maintained through four stages: (1) rapport,
(2) self-revelation, (3) mutual dependency, and (4) intimacy need fulfillment (p. 131).

Discussion Topics
5.1 Can We Define Love?

1. Discuss the difference between romantic love and companionate love. Ask students if
they have ever been in romantic love. What happened when the intense feelings passed?
Have students been involved in a companionate love relationship? How did they know it
was a companionate relationship? Have any students been in love with being in love?

2. Have students discuss the topic “What is love?” Help them realize that some love does
not require sexual intimacy, such as close friendship, love of humankind in general, and
familial love. Have students discuss what makes the difference between these types of
love. Help them recognize it is not just physical attraction. For example, a person may
have a friend whom he or she is physically attracted to, but the person realizes that this
would not be a good match for love.

5.2 The Origins of Love: Some Theories

1. Discuss the biology of attraction and attachment. For example, when beginning a new
relationship with someone we are attracted to, the brain floods with a chemical called
oxytocin. This is the same chemical released during childbirth and lactation to increase
the attachment of the mother to the offspring, and it occurs in all mammals. This increase
in oxytocin in relationships serves the purpose of creating attachment feelings and
increasing the likelihood of attachment behavior such as yearning for physical closeness
and feelings of loss and sadness when separated. This chemical flush lasts for
approximately three months, during which the individual feels “madly in love”; once this
chemical wears off and there is no other basis for the relationship, it will usually end.
How many relationships have students had that lasted less than six months?

2. Discuss the importance of attachment and how it is developed. John Bowlby formulated
the attachment theory based on his observations of children separated from their parents
during the bombing in London during WWII. He noticed that children went through a
predictable sequence of emotions after separation from their parents or other significant
attachment figures. They first cried and sought the parents, then became angry that their
cries were not responded to and were not satisfied with any substitute figures rather than
the parents; they could not be comforted. Then the children became depressed and cried
sad, heartbroken cries. Lastly the children began to be engaged in the life they were
currently in and began to interact with others in the environment. This process is a grief
cycle as the child grieved the loss of the parent. Problems occurred when the parent was
rejoined with the child after the danger passed. The child had become “detached” from
the parent and attachment needed to be redeveloped.

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 3. Discuss the Wheel of Love. Point out the similarities between developing friendships and
developing love relationships using this model. What additional factors are required for
love to develop rather than friendship? Where would physical attraction fit into this
model?

5.3 The Dark Face of Love: Jealousy, Unrequited Love, & Attempts to
Control
1. Discuss the many ways failed relationships are manifested. We have all been involved in
relationships that did not work out. Discuss some of the ways relationships can end, such
as amicably or unpleasantly. Sometimes, instead of talking about the end of a
relationship, people engage in behaviors to end the relationship, such as becoming
involved with another person to cause jealousy. Sometimes jealousy is used to control the
other person in a relationship, such as when a person is afraid to look at another person
for fear of causing jealous feelings in the partner.

2. Have students discuss the ways relationships they have been involved in have ended.
Talk about the negative aspects of unhealthy relationships and how to recognize potential
problems before they become involved with the person.

5.4 How Can You Tell Whether It’s Meaningful Love?

1. Discuss the differences between mature love and immature love. Is it possible to be
immature and have mature love? Can young people, who may not be mature yet, have
mature love? This is a difficult area to discuss because if people are immature, they are
rarely aware of it. Immaturity is something that can be noticed only when one has
matured. However, we can discuss the “symptoms” or indications of mature love.

2. Ask students if they know anyone whom they feel has mature love. Does it take time for
mature love to “mature”? Can you have mature love at the beginning of a relationship?

Class Activities and Handouts

In-Class Activity
Have students complete the relationship questionnaire on the next page. Then, break them into
groups and ask them to discuss their results with one another and talk about what it means if one
person has a secure attachment and another has a dismissing attachment style. Would these two
types of attachment make a good match? What type of attachments would work well together?

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In-Class Activity
Name: ________________________________________ Date: ____________________

Attachment Styles

Please rate each of the following relationship styles according to the extent to which you think
each description corresponds to your general relationship style.

A. It is easy for me to become emotionally close to others. I am comfortable depending

on them and having them depend on me. I don’t worry about being alone or having
others not accept me.

B. I am uncomfortable getting close to others. I want emotionally close relationships, but

I find it difficult to trust others completely, or to depend on them. I worry that I will
be hurt if I allow myself to become too close to others.

C. I want to be completely emotionally intimate with others, but I often find that others
are reluctant to get as close as I would like. I am uncomfortable being without close
relationships, but I sometimes worry that others don’t value me as much as I value
them.

D. I am comfortable without close emotional relationships. It is very important to me to

feel independent and self-sufficient, and I prefer not to depend on others or have
others depend on me.

Not at all like me Somewhat like me Very much like me

Style A 1 2 3 4 5 6 7
Style B 1 2 3 4 5 6 7
Style C 1 2 3 4 5 6 7
Style D 1 2 3 4 5 6 7

RQ: Bartholomew & Horowitz (1991). Relationship Questionnaire:

http://members.psyc.sfu.ca/labs/kim_bartholomew/attachment/self. The RQ is a single item
measure made up of four short paragraphs, each describing a prototypical attachment pattern as it
applies in close adult peer relationships. Participants are asked to rate their degree of
correspondence to each prototype on a 7-point scale. An individual might rate himself or herself
something like: Secure 6, Fearful 2, Preoccupied 1, Dismissing 4. These ratings (or “scores”)
provide a profile of an individual’s attachment feelings and behavior.

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Out-of-Class Activity

Name: ________________________________________ Date: ____________________

Pick at least two “favorite” theories of the origins of love and discuss the strengths and
weaknesses of each. For example, a strength of the biochemical theory is that it can be
experimentally examined. A weakness of the biochemical theory is that it does not address the
fact that people who have arranged marriages come to love one another over time and may never
feel the “in love” feelings.

Theory 1:

Strengths:

Weaknesses:

Theory 2:

Strengths:

Weaknesses:

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Diversity Resources
“Are Gay Relationships Different?” (2008. Cloud, J. Time)
http://www.time.com/time/magazine/article/0,9171,1704660,00.html
Time magazine article on why gay couples have more equality and less tension at home, but still
split up more often than straight pairs. (Site registration required.)

Race Relations: Interracial Love

http://racerelations.about.com/od/interracialrelationships/u/interraciallove.htm
About.com offers links to discussions of interracial romance, multicultural children and families,
and interracial partnerships and collaborations.

Trinity University’s Family Page

www.trinity.edu/~mkearl/family.html
Various categories of information on love, marriage, and family.

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