Tips for Communicating Well

These tips and suggestions are meant for anyone - toddler to teen to adult. Modify them for your children,
for your spouse or partner, for your friends and for your co-workers. If you have other suggestions, please
tell us!

Be a good listener and remember what you've been told: Actively listen to what you're being told.
Look your child in the eye, and don't try to do something else at the same time. Don't give your child the
old, "Uh, huh!" parents give when they aren't listening. Your child will see this as distance, and will press
you harder. Eventually, your child will either give up or find a destructive way to communicate. Make it a
habit to internalize what you're hearing and to remember it.
Don't brush off excitement: If your child walks in the door with something to tell you -- put down the
paper or book, turn off the television, put down the phone and listen. Don't make your child wait. The
excitement will vanish, and someday, resentment might replace it. In the long run, the television -- even a
favorite program -- really doesn't matter.
Take advantage of opportunities: Good times to talk are in the car, during bath time, at the dinner table,
after a bedtime story, during picnics, on a walk, while shopping, or while playing a game. We aren't
suggesting you harass your child, but when the opportunity for listening presents itself, take advantage of
it.
Remember that children and teens don't talk or think like adults do: Try to make communications
gentle. Often, less is more (as in less talking on your part and more listening). Watch their reactions
carefully. It won't help to over-psychoanalyze them or their friends. If you advise them to communicate
with their peers in an impossibly mature way, they'll tune you out. And if their eyes glaze over, you're
probably doing too much talking and not enough listening. Your young children speak and think in
concrete terms, usually with them at the center of everything. (This is not selfish of them -- this is the way
young children are). So they need brief and to-the-point communications, they don't always need
complete explanations, and lectures will roll off them like water on oil. Your teens might be easily
embarrassed and easily put off. They might try very hard to seem cool, aware, and even bored -- even
when they're desperate to know something. Let them guide you.
Don't interrupt: Allow your child to finish sentences and whole thoughts. Sometimes it will take your child
a while to get the thought out. Don't push or rush it, and resist the urge to finish the thought for your child.
Ask open-ended questions: Ask questions that require some thought, not just a "yes" or "no." If you
don't understand what was said, then try to elicit more information. Paraphrase what you think was meant
and ask if that's right. Follow up comments with more conversation. And if you get to a point at which you
need peace and quiet, gently say so and explain why. This will be more effective than ignoring your child
or pretending to listen.
Show respect: Your child is a growing person with thoughts and feelings particular to his/her place in the
world. Respectful communication is interested, caring, polite, thoughtful and patient. It allows for
questions, curiosity, new ways of thinking and even rebellion. You can ask for input on family decisions
(even your toddler can help make choices) -- and then take all the suggestions you can. Communicate
with your children in a way that's as respectful and polite as the manner you use with your friends and
coworkers.
Watch the teasing: Sometimes it makes us feel powerful or strong when we compare ourselves
favorably to others, and that's natural human behavior. But laughing at a child is a weak position and
quite damaging to the child -- especially if it's done in public. Watch that gentle teasing doesn't become
hurtful.
Stay positive: If your child is trying something hard, avoid rushing to predict failure. Your children will
seek to meet your expectations (whether they're positive or negative), so be positive, supportive and
encouraging.
Be consistent and try to not overreact: It's wonderful to encourage children to speak their mind, but
what happens when they say something upsetting, annoying or embarrassing? Often, we unwittingly
undermine an excellent lesson by overreacting when our children do exactly what we asked. Your
children are still learning about social rights and wrongs, so be careful about overreacting to innocent
questions or rushing to judgment. Examples of overreacting: walking away, slamming doors, throwing
things, issuing a litany of previous grievances, lecturing, name-calling, yelling, sarcasm, bullying, violence,
snapping, being shocked, crying, guilt-manufacturing. You don't want your children to think curiosity is
bad, that articulating feelings -- even passionate ones -- is bad -- or worst of all, that they are bad.
Instead, praise them for wanting to understand tough issues and topics, and gently explain why there
might be a better way (and better time) for speaking up.
Accept your child's feelings and help them articulate: Resist telling your children that they don't feel
the way they do, that they shouldn't feel the way they do, that others will not like them for feeling the way
they do. Everyone has a right to his or her feelings. But sometimes it's hard for little people to articulate
what they want to say. For example, children might say, "I like Mommy better than you!" when what they
really want to say is, "I'm mad at you for not letting me play with the power drill." Help your children voice
difficult concepts and emotions.
Understand what you're afraid of: As children, most of us learn that anger is bad, conflict is bad,
fighting is bad, arguing is bad, opinions are bad, and disagreeing with others is bad. We disagree.
Everyone has opinions -- some of us are more vocal than others. The world is too diverse for all of us to
agree on everything, and you don't have to agree with your children for the world to keep turning.
We do think, however, that if you have a fear of being disliked, abandoned, yelled at or ostracized, it can
interfere with your desire to communicate with your children. A counselor can help you put your fears into
perspective and to recognize that fear is usually bigger than the reality it represents. Learn to take
ownership of your opinions -- and teach your children to do the same. What's important to proper
communication is the ability to voice your thoughts fairly, compassionately and effectively.
Tell them the truth in age-appropriate ways, and encourage them to always tell you the truth:
Children are perceptive and intuitive. Even if they don't understand that someone has lied to them,
instinctively they'll know there's an undercurrent of something else going on. Lying to your children can
easily break the delicate bond of trust between you. There have been debates in this country about what
constitutes the truth and what constitutes a lie. But that's for lawyers -- in our hearts, we all know what a
lie is, and so do our children.
If your child begins to lie to you, take some time to examine the situation. Is your child old enough to
understand what lying is, and have you taken the time to gently explain and reinforce the lessons? Do you
practice what you preach, or are you setting a bad example by lying to friends, family or coworkers? Do
you allow your child the room to admit misbehavior, or do you make the prospect of telling the truth too
frightening? Is your child too embarrassed to tell you the truth? (Some children can't bear to admit to their
parents that they can't master a skill, such as schoolwork, that they don't understand something, such as
sex, or that they're frightened by something, such as a friend's dangerous behavior.) Do your children
understand the potential consequences of lying (other than your anger)? Do your children trust that you
will help them deal with any problem and that you will never stop liking or loving them -- regardless of
what they've done or what's happened to them?
Say what you mean, and apologize when you should: Manipulation, bullying, or cold shoulders are
how most of us learn to ask for what we want. But we then raise children who also can't articulate what
they want in an honest, forthright manner. Teach your children to use their words, and resist making them
sorry for responding (for example by yelling at them, laughing, getting impatient, or becoming distant).
When you want something from your child -- especially if it's something important to you emotionally -- try
to say so in a straightforward manner.
Allow your child to be a child: Several ways in which adults force children to bear the burden of
adulthood: sexual or physical abuse; making them carry messages back and forth or referee between
family members; causing them to pick on another family member or other person in the community;
making them feel family troubles are their fault; making them responsible for the adults' happiness or
anger; telling them adult secrets and/or adult confidences; telling them about family troubles that are too
big for them; discussing adult issues in front of them; allowing them to watch videos, movies, news
programs, etc. that are too old for them; expecting behaviors and attitudes from them that are too old for
them; expecting them to assume adult responsibilities; expecting them to lie; withholding of parental love,
encouragement and/or support. Your child has a world of time to be an adult; while they're children,
protect them from brutal realities.
Apologize: When you goof up (and you probably will), apologize in a sincere manner. This teaches your
children that you respect them and that making a mistake isn't fatal.
Be happy for your child: We've heard a theory that children shouldn't be praised too much, that it will
make them selfish, self-centered and vain. To us, this is hogwash. This flies in the face of our instincts
and our experience. If your child did something well, tried something hard, learned something knew, is
proud of something -- or anything else that makes sense to you -- be visibly and sincerely happy for your
child. Don't stop when your child becomes an adult.
When your child teaches you something, acknowledge it: It's OK to learn from your children. It will
happen, and it's a good idea to acknowledge it. Doing so teaches your children several powerful lessons:
they are capable; you trust them; you respect them; you're never too old to learn.
Say these words out loud and frequently -- "I love you." "You're beautiful." "I'm proud of you." "I'm
glad you're mine." If you don't feel comfortable saying these things to your child, we hope you will learn
to do it anyway. Practice the words in the mirror. Think of your child's desperate desire to hear them.
Then open up your mouth and get them out. If you are limited by feelings of jealousy, anger, fear,
resentment or bitterness, then we hope you will get some counseling. These are phrases and sentiments
your child needs to hear. While you're at it, teach your children to like and love themselves -- as much as they
would like or love anyone else. Somehow this critical message often gets lost in the shuffle. And remember --
they're unlikely to like and love themselves if you don't like and love yourself.