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Brothers and sisters! This book has the potential to not only change the way
you offer ministry to women and men who battle sexual sin but to trans-
form churches. Imagine what would happen if the body of Christ actively
engaged in personal study of the gospel with a view toward application in
discipleship to those bound up in sexual sin? Envision with me what would
happen if the church embraced practical, on-the-ground ministry rather
than merely talking about sexuality. Rescue Skills can powerfully encourage
and equip you through the guidance of two experienced pastors who have
written this book from years in the trenches of loving people.
—Ellen Mary Dykas, Women’s Ministry Director, Harvest USA;
Author, Toxic Relationships: Taking Refuge in Christ
This is a hard book to endorse—there are just too many good things to say!
Holmes and Reju know the questions the helper must ask, the excuses the
struggler will offer, the inner struggles that define the porn user’s world,
the way to help that will actually make a difference. Rescue Skills some-
how manages to teach compassion for those who dive into porn without
being soft on their sin. It also brings refreshingly novel topics to the battle,
including reviving the conscience, taking your body’s struggle seriously,
and appreciating rather than avoiding true beauty. Rescue Skills is the most
realistic yet hope-filled book I’ve read on helping people with pornography.
—Alasdair Groves, Executive Director, Christian Counseling &
Educational Foundation
Reju and Holmes give us page after page of wisdom—God’s truth applied
in practical ways to a widespread problem that all counselors and disci-
plers face. It is gospel-infused, biblically driven, and church-based, yet filled
with concrete steps and sprinkled with case examples from their counseling
ministries. A rich, readable resource for every Christian who wants to help
friends who are tempted by or enslaved to pornography.
—Robert D. Jones, Associate Pastor of Biblical Counseling, The
Southern Baptist Theological Seminary; Author, Uprooting Anger:
Biblical Help for a Common Problem
In Rescue Skills, Deepak and Jonathan set out to help counselors to become
better helpers and disciplers of men or women struggling with addiction,
and this book certainly accomplishes that task. Each chapter is filled with
solid, practical guidance that can be put into practice immediately—
guidance that is consistently rooted in God’s Word. This book is the perfect
companion to Rescue Plan!
—Kristin L. Kellen, Assistant Professor of Biblical Counseling,
Southeastern Baptist Theological Seminary
Read this book and you will be better equipped to help those who are
struggling with pornography. In short and practically applied chapters full
of true-to-life examples, Deepak Reju and Jonathan Holmes have provided
a highly useable resource for anyone who wants to help someone to escape
from an addiction to porn. Refreshingly honest, biblically faithful, deeply
realistic, and filled with the hope that only grace can bring, this is a book
that pastors, counsellors, and friends will turn to again and again.
—Steve Midgley, Executive Director, Biblical Counselling UK; Senior
Minister, Christ Church, Cambridge
Rescue Skills offers the most comprehensive approach of any resource I have
seen to equip counselors to offer wise, practical, biblical advice to people
who indulge in pornography and other sexual sins. The authors are very
specific and real about these struggles without being salacious. They strike
an appropriate balance between addressing the heart and taking action to
restrain the flesh. While the book specifically addresses sexual issues, most
of its wisdom would apply to helping counselees with other besetting sins.
My students and counselees will benefit from this resource.
—Jim Newheiser, Director of the Christian Counseling Program
and Associate Professor of Pastoral Theology, Reformed Theological
Seminary, Charlotte; Executive Director, The Institute for Biblical
Counseling and Discipleship
No other book I’ve read more clearly teaches churches the practical skills
necessary to help those who are struggling with sexual sin. Rescue Skills is
rich with stories that clarify how to wisely help both men and women.
But it’s not just a catalogue of biblical precision tools. Most of all, it is the
merciful heart of our ultimate Rescuer, Jesus Christ, that is on display. Each
page displays his gentle heart toward sinners, providing hope and motiva-
tion to the reader. This will be an indispensable resource for our church’s
counseling team going forward.
—Tim St. John, Associate Pastor, Lighthouse Community Church,
Torrance, California
Rescue Skills is an essential go-to for every pastor, church leader, small-group
leader, caring friend, mentor, or counselor who desires to grow in their
people-helping skills. And that’s all of us. You will find this book incredibly
helpful as you minister to people with a variety of struggles, not just the
sexually broken. Developing and honing the art of wise caring takes time,
patience, and practice. You will probably read this book with one specific
person or situation in mind, but I think you will come back to it again
and again to grow in proficiency as other needs arise. I recommend keeping
Rescue Skills, and its companion volume, Rescue Plan, close at hand.
—Greg Wilson, Licensed Professional Counselor and Supervisor, Soul
Care Associates; Coauthor, When Home Hurts: A Guide for Responding
Wisely to Domestic Abuse in Your Church
®
Unless otherwise indicated, Scripture quotations are from ESV Bible (The Holy Bible, English
®
Standard Version ). Copyright © 2001 by Crossway Bibles, a publishing ministry of Good News
Publishers. Used by permission. All rights reserved.
Scripture quotations marked BSB are taken from The Holy Bible, Berean Study Bible, BSB
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Holman Christian Standard Bible , Holman CSB , and HCSB are federally registered trade-
marks of Holman Bible Publishers.
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VERSION , NIV® Copyright © 1973, 1978, 1984, 2011 by Biblica, Inc. Used by permission.
All rights reserved worldwide.
Scripture quotations marked The Voice are taken from The Voice
Ecclesia Bible Society. Used by permission. All rights reserved.
™. Copyright © 2008 by
Scripture quotations from the New Testament use the ESV’s alternate, footnoted translation of
adelphoi (“brothers and sisters”).
Italics within Scripture quotations indicate emphasis added.
Material in chapters 7 and 14 is adapted from Deepak Reju, Pornography: Fighting for Purity
(Phillipsburg, NJ: P&R Publishing, 2018).
In the counseling cases described throughout this book, names and identifying details have been
changed to preserve anonymity.
Printed in the United States of America
Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data
Names: Reju, Deepak, 1969- author. | Holmes, Jonathan D., author.
Title: Rescue skills : essential skills for restoring the sexually broken /
Deepak Reju, Jonathan D. Holmes.
Description: Phillipsburg, New Jersey : P&R Publishing, [2021] | Includes
bibliographical references. | Summary: “Looking to help someone who
struggles with pornography? This book provides a trove of biblical
strategies developed out of years of counseling experience-and you can
use them right away”-- Provided by publisher.
Identifiers: LCCN 2021027947 | ISBN 9781629959054 (paperback) | ISBN
9781629959061 (epub)
Subjects: LCSH: Pornography--Religious aspects--Christianity. |
Sex--Religious aspects--Christianity. | Pastoral counseling. | Peer
counseling in the church. | Counseling--Religious aspects--Christianity.
Classification: LCC BV4597.6 .R45355 2021 | DDC 241/.667--dc23
LC record available at https://lccn.loc.gov/2021027947
10
As you read the pages ahead, our hope is not just that you will
grow in head knowledge but that you will work at becoming better
at helping and discipling others. You’re an ambassador for the Lord
Jesus to a friend who is sexually addicted. This book can help you
to grow in asking thoughtful questions, probing the heart, minister-
ing to guilt and shame, encouraging the weary, and so much more.
Don’t wait until you have read to the end. With each chapter, start
practicing the skills right away. Make use of them in your very next
conversation.
At the end of each chapter, there are reflection questions for
you (the discipler) to consider and a practical step for you and your
friend to take in the fight against sexual sin. Make use of these two
bits of application. You’ll get much more from this book if you do the
application. Don’t read to fill up your head. Show in what you do
that faith plus action is the best combination (see James 2:20–23).
Keep in mind that no one likes to be a project. If your friend
thinks you’ve turned him into a class assignment, that’s a quick way
to sour the relationship. If you show that you love him and are com-
mitted over the long run to his spiritual good, now that’s the recipe
for success. We’re much more inclined to listen to someone who we
know loves us and is acting for our good.
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God is working in your friend’s life (see Phil. 2:13). The Spirit
brings conviction and instills hope in desperate situations. Yet God
uses means—like you, a loving friend—to accomplish his purposes
(see 2 Cor. 5:18; Gal. 6:1). He uses you to talk, pray, ask questions,
comfort, exhort, love, support, encourage, and do so many other
things.
Are you ready to begin? Let’s start with a few important remind-
ers on what we’re dealing with.
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Even if you’re more interested in the skills than the plan, don’t skip
these important notes! They are the foundation for what lies ahead.
Although porn strugglers may not think of themselves as addicts,
addiction marks their behavior. To help them, you need to under-
stand the nature of addiction and the factors that make them most
likely to act impulsively when they are tempted.
Our culture has a lot to say about what an addict is and is not.
We want to be careful at the outset to think about addictions accord-
ing to the Bible. After all, we’re Christians—so we want God’s Word
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Voluntary Slavery
Samir makes a choice to sin—to look at pornography. It’s just
one time, but it awakens in him an appetite for more. After his guilt
and shame over violating his conscience dissipates, Samir chooses to
do it again, and again, and again. His body and heart crave more,
the cravings grow and take over his life, and one day Samir ends up
enslaved. One dumb choice leads to death, not life. One titillating
moment leads to months of bondage to sexual sin.
Double-Mindedness
Jillian hates her sin and loves it. She fantasizes about having sex
and reads erotic literature. She hates her sin the moment after the
guilt and shame kick in. However, give it time, and the cravings
resurface, her loneliness feels fierce, her heart longs again, and her
body wants more. Her affections for the addiction show themselves
again. In one breath she says, “I’ve got to stop,” and, in the very next,
“I want more! I deserve more!”
Foolishness
Addiction is marked by foolishness, which is described vividly
throughout the book of Proverbs. Take Javier’s case, for example. He’s
been hooked on porn and masturbation for five years. The sin has
overtaken his life. He sleeps very little so he can get yet another fix.
He goes to church, but he spurns wisdom, insight, and a godly life
(see Prov. 1:7). His friends talk to him, but he’s not open to correc-
tion (see 12:1); rather, he feels justified in his own mind that he is
right (see 12:15). “You guys don’t get what I’ve been going through,”
he thinks. He despises the good sense in his pastor’s and best friend’s
words (see 23:9). He lacks sense (see 8:5). He’s hasty (see 29:20),
and he’s prone to quarreling (see 20:3). His parents are at a loss as
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to what to do. If given a chance, Javier will wound loved ones and
friends (see 26:10). He will not turn from his evil desires (see 13:19).
He returns to his porn and often repeats his porn-use habits, like a
dog returning to its vomit (see 26:11).
Idolatry
An idol is anything strugglers worship over and above God (see
Rom. 1:25). In the twenty-first century, they don’t bow down to
an idol in an Old Testament temple. The issue goes much deeper.
There are idols at war in their hearts (see Ezek. 14:1–5), promising
them power, adventure, affirmation, control, pleasure, recognition,
significance, and happiness. Leah looks at porn, fantasizes, and mas-
turbates because she wants to be loved and to have sex. Her idols are
the gods of relationship (“I want a man”) and experience (“I want to
be intimate”). She can’t get what she wants in the real world, so she
makes up a fantasy world to get what she wants.
Disordered Desires
The addicted heart has passions, desires, and cravings (see James
1:14–15; 4:1) that are more worldly than godly. God cherishes holi-
ness and love; the addict uses others for his own selfish gain. God
teaches us to be servant-hearted and patient; porn shapes the addict
to be greedy and to get his desires satisfied. If a struggler is hungry
for pleasure, he’ll go online and find pornographic images or videos.
If he wants affirmation, he’ll find someone who will give it to him.
If he wants a burger, he’ll drive down to McDonald’s. His behavior is
ruled by his disordered cravings and desires. A love for true beauty—
for what God loves—becomes secondary to the carnal cravings of an
addict’s heart.
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and a mean boss. Dating prospects and hopes for marriage are wan-
ing. As is typical, around 11 o’clock, self-pity starts to kick in, and
by 11:45 the rationalizations begin: “God doesn’t care.” “You deserve
something for your troubles.” “It doesn’t matter, God will forgive
you.”
What makes Samir or Leah act out in the moment? There are four
active ingredients at work when an addict feels tempted and pursues
porn—access, anonymity, appetite, and atheism.1 The Four As. Take
any one of these away and the act of looking at porn becomes harder.
Access
Long gone are the days when a man walked away from a news-
stand with a pornographic magazine in a brown bag or walked into
an adult store to buy a VHS or DVD. With the emergence of the
Internet, everything has changed. For one thing, the Internet lowered
the barrier of entry for women. The playing field has evened. Both
men and women have free and open access to as much pornographic
content as their hearts desire.
In the age of the Internet, access to online content is available
virtually everywhere. That’s a problem for addicts. Open access is
dangerous for an addict’s soul. An addict often can’t resist giving in
to the temptation. A phone with unlimited and unfettered access to
the Internet is like a grenade in her pocket. If she’s not careful, it will
eventually explode.
The Internet does great good, but it also leads to great harm.
Anonymity
Addicts typically don’t look at porn in a busy workroom or on
the subway. They look at it alone, in their apartments, behind closed
doors. They do it when no one else can see what they are doing.
Appetite
If an addict’s idolatrous heart can secure access and anonymity,
it satisfies his cravings and desires for more porn. Think of his sinful
flesh as a dragon. If he feeds it, it never becomes satisfied. It just
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Atheism
Satan’s goal is to get a struggler to doubt God’s goodness and his
love, just as he did with Adam and Eve. Did God really say . . . ? Does
God really love you? Will God really follow through? If the devil can sow
the seeds of doubt, he creates a momentary atheist. When an addict
listens to Satan, she turns her back on God (see Ps. 14:1), and, not
surprisingly, she’ll fall back into looking at porn. She gives in to her
battle with unbelief, even for just thirty seconds, because she’s been
fooled by sin yet again. Sin always overpromises and underdelivers.
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HELPER SKILLS
“Hi, you’re on the phone with Dr. Frasier Crane, and I’m listening.”
This was the memorable line that Kelsey Grammar’s psychiatrist
character famously said when callers phoned in to his radio show.
Unfortunately, for the majority of Frasier’s callers, Frasier was doing
anything but listening. From pestering his radio producer to occu-
pying himself with his own troubles, Frasier’s listening was a bit of
a sham.
Oftentimes we can be guilty of the same practice in our care
and discipleship. A lot of nods and shakes of the head may seem to
communicate that we are listening, but our minds are far from the
people in front of us. We ask a question, only to formulate an answer
to what we think will be the response. We offer answers to problems
that show we have not fully tried to understand the struggler’s world.
Or we interrupt strugglers mid-sentence, showing that what we say
is more important to us than their comments.
The fact that people struggle to listen is nothing new. The word
listen is used over fifteen hundred times in the Bible, and more often
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than not the issue is that people do not listen.1 The skill of listen-
ing is something we all can grow in. When you listen to others,
remember that more is happening than the mere auditory reception
of words.
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The biblical picture of the fool is one who doesn’t listen and
understand but speaks too quickly. He is impulsive. He answers
before he hears. He doesn’t take the time to hear and then speak. In
Proverbs 18:2, the fool finds pleasure only in saying what he wants
to say. In verse 13, because of his impulsive speech that lacks under-
standing, he is deemed foolish and shameful. Or, as one commenta-
tor put it, “stupid and a disgrace.”2
Who are you more like when it comes to listening—Christ or the
fool? Are you good at it, or are you lazy and driven by your agenda?
Do you struggle to listen well? Or are you humble enough to admit
you are a poor listener?
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“True listening wars against the entrenched selfishness of the human heart.
The listening heart is one that seeks to give, to learn, to welcome, to serve.
In a small but real way, listening imitates the self-emptying act of Jesus,
who voluntarily released his claims on ruling in order to serve and give his
life. The listening heart strives to put away control, all the ways we can
manipulate a conversation for our gain. It is able to stop in the middle of a
thought and say, ‘You’re right.’ . . . The listening heart seeks to be present,
to be focused on something other than itself and to give its attention away.”
—Adam McHugh3
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With that being said, what should we be listening for? What can
we tune our ears toward? Let’s take the Four As and see where we
need to pay special attention.
Access
• Where does he access his pornography?
• What excuses does she give for leaving outlets for pornography
unprotected and unaccountable?
• When you offer accountability measures as a way toward
purity, does he offer half-hearted rationalizations? How does
he justify his sin?
Anonymity
• Who is mentioned in his story? Who are the key people in his
life?
• How connected or isolated is she? Who knows what is going
on in her life?
• Has he ever disclosed this struggle to someone other than you?
If so, what was the result?
• How long has she struggled with pornography without telling
anyone?
• Has he realized that pornography isolates him from people?
Our friend Don says things like “I’m alone,” or “No one cares,”
or “God has abandoned me.” This communicates his isolation.
A fellow church member, Gina, says, “I don’t need help” or “I
can do it on my own.” Her deliberate pursuit of anonymity tells us
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Appetite
• How does she describe the drive toward pornography?
• Does he recognize the desires that ensnare his heart? Or is he
ignorant of the war in his heart?
• Has she done any heart-level work to understand what hap-
pens within her in moments of temptation?
Atheism
• Does she ever mention God in her struggle? Or does she leave
him completely out of it?
• What’s his functional view of God?
• Does she believe that God cares about her and her situation?
• Does he think God can change him? Or has he given up on
God?
• What other doubts does he express about God?
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Here are a few additional ways you can demonstrate love as you
listen to others tell their stories.
Listen with your posture. Are you attentive? Do you have attentive
body language—an open and relational posture rather than a closed
one? Squarely face the other person. Lean in and show interest with
your body language. Do not become preoccupied with other things,
such as taking notes, checking your phone, or looking at the clock.
Listen with your eyes. Maintain eye contact. Look the other person in
the eyes. This shows that you are engaged with him.
Listen with your mind. Are you focused on the other person, or do
you zone out? Are you easily distracted?
Look for breaks in eye contact. Sometimes a break in eye contact com-
municates shame or guilt. The last time that I (Jonathan) talked to a
struggler, I asked him to look up at me, and he said he couldn’t: “I’m
too ashamed of what I’ve done.”
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Reflect: How well do you listen, and how can you grow in this
area? What can you do in your next conversation to get better?
For example, should you put your cell phone out of reach so
you don’t get distracted?
Act: After your next meeting, talk about how you and your
friend did at listening to each other. In Christ, with humility and
love, give each other feedback and help each other to grow.
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