Communication Skills Training Ian Tuhovsky

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Communication Skills Training - Ian Tuhovsky
Technical Communication (Mahatma Gandhi University)
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Communication Skills Training

A Practical Guide to Improving
Your Social Intelligence,
Presentation, Persuasion and
Public Speaking Skills
Positive Psychology Coaching Series
Copyright © 2015-2017 by Ian Tuhovsky

Author’s blog: www.mindfulnessforsuccess.com
Author’s Amazon profile: amazon.com/author/iantuhovsky
Instagram profile: https://instagram.com/mindfulnessforsuccess
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Please purchase only authorized electronic editions, and do not participate in or encourage electronic piracy of
copyrighted materials.

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Please be aware that every e-book and “short read” I publish is written truly by me,
with thoroughly researched content 100% of the time. Unfortunately, there’s a
huge number of low quality, cheaply outsourced spam titles on the Kindle non-
fiction market these days, created by various internet marketing companies. I
don’t tolerate these books. I want to provide you with high q uality,
so if you think that one of my books/short reads can be improved
in any way, please contact me at:
contact@ mindfulnessforsuccess.com
I will be very happy to hear from you, because that’s

who I write my books for!

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Table of Contents :
Introduction
Part I: The Right Attitude and a Little Bit About
Emotions
Chapter 1: How Do Our Mental Filters Operate?
Chapter 2: A Map Is Not Actual Terrain
Chapter 3: Eight Most Important Q uestions You Should Ask Yourself
Chapter 4: How to Express Anger and Avoid Conflicts
Chapter 5: Smile
Part II: Communication Skills
Chapter 6: The Most Common Communication Obstacles
Chapter 7: Five Most Basic and Crucial Conversational Fixes
Chapter 8: How to Deal with Difficult People
Chapter 9: Phrases to Purge from Your Dictionary (and What to
Substitute Them With)
Chapter 10: Verbal Dexterity
Chapter 11: The Subtle Art of Giving Feedback
Chapter 12: How to Become a Master of the Sharp Retort
Chapter 13: How to Have Unique and Memorable Conversations
Chapter 14: Rapport, the Art of Excellent Communication
Chapter 15: How to Use Metaphors to Communicate Better
Chapter 16: Metaprograms
Chapter 17: Meta Model
Chapter 18: Eye Accessing Cues
Chapter 19: How to Predict Future Behaviors

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Chapter 20: How to Finally Start Remembering Names?

Chapter 21: Sixteen Ways to Have a Great Public Presentation
Chapter 22: Create Unique Personality in Business
Bonus Chapter: Effective Networking
Conclusion
My Free Gift to You – Get One of My Audiobooks For Free!
Recommended Reading for You
About The Author

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Introduction
It’s one of the most important abilities in life, but you won’t really
learn it at school. There are very few teachers on this crucial subject,
but everyone has to go through the learning process and pass
exams many times in their lives. There are no TV programs about it,
although it is used by everyone, everywhere, all the time. The
survival of a species depends on its quality and the better animals or
tribes master it, the more dominant they become over others. During
a major part of most people’s lives, it’s automatic and not something
they are fully aware of.
Effective communication— exactly what makes human

beings dominant on this blue planet.
It is said that speech is silver, but silence is gold. Still, few will argue
about the great power of words, either spoken or written.
In my personal experience, lack of communication skills is exactly
what ruins most people’s lives. If you don’t know how to
communicate properly, you are going to have problems, both in your
intimate and family relationships. You are going to be ineffective in
work and business situations. It’s going to be troublesome on a daily
basis managing employees or getting what you want from your boss
or your clients. Overall, I’d say effective communication is like an
engine oil that makes your life run smoothly, getting you wherever
you want to be. There are very few areas in life in which
you can succeed in the long run without this crucial
skill. Obviously, there are also other factors influencing the quality
of your career (knowledge, huge network of contacts, experience,
professional approach, proper education), relationships (soft skills,
self-confidence, emotional intelligence ) and other areas. It’s quite
clear that all of your investments in the quality of communication, in
improving its standards, learning new abilities or patterns and taking
it to an entirely new level, lead directly to improvement in

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your self- confidence, soft skills, career, relationships

and your entire life’s q uality.
Have you ever considered how many times you intuitively

felt that maybe you lost something important or
crucial, simply because you unwittingly said or did
something which put somebody off? Maybe it was an
unfortunate wor d , bad formulation, inappropriate joke, forgotten
name , huge misinterpretation, an awkward conversation or a strange
tone of your voice? Maybe you assumed that you knew exactly what
a particular concept meant for another person and you stopped
asking questions? Maybe you asked so many questions, you
practically started an interrogation? Maybe you could not listen
carefully or could not stay silent for a moment? How many times
have you wanted to achieve something, negotiate better terms or
ask for a promotion and failed miserably? It’s time to put that to
an end with the help of this book.
Personally, I have had some serious trouble with accurate and
effective communication during my lifetime, particularly back in my
childhood, teenage and early college years. On the one hand,
people usually liked me; I had a bunch of good friends and was
rather a social kind of a kid. On the other hand, I can’t even count
how many times I flunked really important exams in my life because
of the inability to send precise messages, to listen carefully, perceive
what others were telling me without judgements or adjust what I
wanted to say so my colleagues could understand what I really
meant. Too many times I would lose my chances for a second date
with girls I liked because I never knew when to shut up, stop “being
funny and cool,” and just start listening instead. I unwittingly offended
some very stringent teachers or professors a few times because I
could not see the world or a given problem from their perspective
(which, obviously, resulted in VERY hard times for me, both on
lessons and on exam sessions). I did not know how to deal with my
parents and family during arguments and conflicts, how to maintain
business contacts and, what the heck, I even got fired twice because

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of my lame communication skills and lack of intuition in

conversations. At a certain point, I almost hit rock bottom. I lost my
job, my health was bad, I ended my long-term relationship, depleted
my bank accounts to make a few very bad investments and got in a
really deep mess. That’s when I promised myself I would learn from
my mistakes, gather myself together and rebound.
I kept my promise. My self-development journey started. It exploded
and I never stopped my quest of self-betterment. I started reading
TONS of books and watching LOADS of DVD’s about many different
subjects, which I decided to master in a few years’ time. Sales,
startups, soft-skills, meditation , emotional intelligence, eastern
philosophy, NLP … verbal communication was one of those crucial
topics. In this book, I will share with you all the most important things
I learned during my journey, so you do n’t have to commit the same
errors and make the same costly mistakes. I learned it the hard way,
so you don’t have to!
V erbal communication is the most basic kind of communication

among people. It has two forms: oral and written. Effectiveness of
the former, on which I’m focusing in this book (although not
exclusively, you will also have a chance to learn about non-verbal
communication), is primarily influenced by fluency of speech and
skillset of a sender, accentuation of particular parts of a message,
confirmation from a receiver and paraphrasing of the received
information in order to make sure that the real intent was understood
correctly.
When talking about verbal communication skills, I mean certain
competencies which include knowledge , abilities and attitude
. On top of that there’s experience , which makes applying
effective communication patterns possible.
To explain it simply, only by applying knowledge and practicing
certain abilities by having the right attitude is it possible to
improve quality of your communication skills.

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Q uality is infinite as an indicator. This simply means that if you keep

working on the improvement of your communication competences,
you will be constantly strengthening the quality of your career,
relationships, social skills and your entire life, ad infinitum. There
are hardly any limits, in terms of what you can learn
and how much you can improve your social
interactions.
There’s only one condition. Every single day, you need to ask
yourself this question:
What can I do even better, more efficiently, differently and more
effectively?
It will make you think about the effectiveness of both strong and
weak sides of your communication, each and every day. During this
process, you have to be both honest and forbearing with yourself,
particularly when dealing with some deficiencies you are aware of. If
you decide to deceive yourself, then you’re just wasting your time.
On the other hand, you need to stop beating yourself up. It will just
block your mind and lead you astray. You need to be aware of one
thing in particular: we, as human beings, are often the strictest and
harshest critics of ourselves, so if you are stuck on thinking, “What
did I do wrong?”, you will surely open the Pandora’s Box in your own
mind. Whenever you ask yourself a question formed this way, you
are holding yourself back instead of developing and stimulating your
mindset. So, again, the question you need to constantly ask yourself
isn’t, “What did I do wrong?” It is, “ W hat can I do even better,
more simply, differently and more effectively to
improve my communication with other people?”
It is extremely important for you to constantly analyze your
communication style and pay attention to communication patterns
you use. You need to become aware of these things and find
motivation to work on your personal development, improving the
quality of your life.

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The first steps of this journey are: awareness (knowledge of your

strong and weak points—what to improve, what not to do and what
to show) and motivation. The bad news is only you can work these
two things out for yourself. Nobody else can do it for you. The good
thing, however, is whether you want it or not, everything you read in
this book applies to your everyday life. The power to change it for the
better lies in your hands.
So, if you decide to take up the challenge and invest your time and
energy in developing your communication skills, then you have just
taken your first step to an entirely new quality of life. Stay persistent
and you will be amazed at how fast and easily you can achieve
things which just a while ago seemed far out of reach. Before we
begin, let me expand a little bit on verbal communication (understood
as what we say + when, why and how we say it) vs. body
language and non-verbal communication.
Verbal vs. N on- Verbal Communication – A Little Debunking
Most participants of interpersonal communication skills, negotiations

or influence trainings have probably heard at some point that the
way of speaking is responsible for 38% of overall communication,
spoken content (what we talk about) is 7% and body language is
55% . Maybe you have also seen it on TV or read about it on the
internet. In 1967, Albert Mehrabian published the results of two
surveys. Based on these results, he came up with the proportions
between elements of communication as described above .
What most people don’t know is that the results of the survey made
by Mehrabian and his team [ 1] were generalized and simplified. For
their experiment, they chose a group of people for the purpose of
making two comparisons of various aspects of communication: the
influence of tone of voice on the verbal message and the relationship
between facial expressions and way of speaking. These proportions
came from the compilation of results of both comparisons (which is
one of the subjects of criticism). Other critics also point to the fact

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that the group consisted only of women, there was fragmentary

focus only on relations between words and facial expressions, and
so on. Mehrabian’s survey concerned the relationship between
verbal and non-verbal communication while expressing opinions,
showing feelings and attitudes, where the goal was to check how
each of these elements influences a positive reception of a speaker
(seeing a speaker as a friendly vs. unfriendly person). In summary,
the scheme tells us that the total proportions of the “sympathy factor”
= 7% content + 38% verbal message (soft skills, use of language,
rate of speaking, etc.) + 55% body language. All literal
apprehensions of this graph can easily be seen as over
interpretations. You can come across many allegations that 7% for
content is definitely too little. This is not the main message of this
survey, though. If the proportions themselves are not really
accurate and important , then what is the essence of this
experiment? It pointed to the fact that effective communication
consists of two inseparable elements of communication: verbal and
non-verbal.
The “7 %- 3 8%- 5 5 %” rule can be seen as the metaphor of
effective and efficient communication, which MUST
contain the core of both verbal and non-verbal components,
connected in a smart and congruent way. Lack or inaccuracy of both
verbal and non-verbal messages will essentially limit the
effectiveness of communication and proper reception of the
transmitted message. Non-verbal messages influence understanding
and reception of verbal messages in a very crucial way. The
proportions defined in this experiment are not permanent—they can
change along with the context of communication, for example: a
conversation between two people while in a business meeting,
casual chatter between two friends, telephone conversations and so
on. They are based on the study of facial expressions versus the
whole spectrum of non-verbal communication (postures, gestures,
change of skin tones under influence of emotions, outward
appearance and so on).

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Non-verbal messages complement verbal messages, being non-

specific. Non-verbal communication is imprecise, whereas verbal
communication is precise, so only both of these aspects used
together properly will decide the overall quality of communication.
Effective communication is a verbal communication
supported by congruent non- verbal messages (tone of
voice, facial expression, posture, gestures, etc.). The congruence
between these two elements is what makes
communication truly effective.
Now that we’ve covered all this, let’s start learning

how to change your life for the better!
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Part I: The Right Attitude and a

Little Bit About Emotions
Communication does not only consist of techniques. Above all else,
it is the way of thinking about and seeing the world around you. A
change in attitude towards everything that surrounds us, rather than
solely using certain techniques, is the source of the biggest changes
in our life.
Acceptance of this new attitude and seeing the world through entirely
different filters can significantly change your behavior in many
situations. Instead of reacting impulsively and emotionally, you will
act more effectively and more constructively, always looking for
solutions and mutual agreement. Get to know these assumptions
thoroughly and think how they apply to your life. It is important to
consider how your behavior will change after you accept a particular
way of seeing the world.
1 . Everybody Has a Different Map of the W orld

It does not matter what this world actually is. We each get to know it
by our senses: eyes, ears, taste, touch, smell. Due to the
constraints of our brain, we can process only a small part of all
impulses our environment constantly sends us. Each bit of
information is processed by different filters: culture, language,
beliefs, values, experiences. Every human being has their
own filters, which differ from person to person.
That is the reason why every person sees reality

individually. Everyone perceives the same situation differently and
can interpret the same words divergently. We all live in our own,
unique realities made by sensory impressions and individual
experiences.

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W hat does such a view of the world give you? Firstly, you
need to know that you can solve your problems by changing your
own filters. You can change your beliefs, values and the way you see
the world. It will make you change at a deep level. Secondly, getting
to know a map of the world of another human being is the key to
understanding them. When you truly realize and understand that
everyone can see certain things totally differently than you do, it will
be much easier for you to create healthy relationships. You will read
more about maps and filters later in this book.
2. There Are Positive Intentions Behind Every Human

Behavior
According to that concept, our every behavior is the result of good
intentions. Even when we do something we are not proud of, we
probably made that choice because it was the best choice for
us at the given moment . It is extremely important to
understand this concept if you want to change yourself and adapt
new important behaviors. Remember that your old, unwanted
behaviors were caused by the fact that your brain saw a positive
intention in them for you. We are simply doing the best we can with
the skillset we currently have. If anyone who has ever treated you
poorly (your friend, co-worker, stranger, family member) could
instead have treated you with respect and love, while receiving the
same from you and having their needs met, they would do that. We
all would, as that’s how we are programmed—to give and receive
love, fulfilling our needs at the same time. When someone is not
doing that and behaving in a way we don’t like, it’s not natural.
They’re probably suffering and that’s what makes them hurt other
people. The reason for that is they just don’t get it . They don’t
have the skillset to cope with the situation, they don’t have the right
tools or they don’t know how to use them. Very often, when you
change your perspective, the things you look at literally change.
It is also very useful in relationships with other people. Always try to
guess the basis of other humans’ behavior. Think, “They are
innocent and they did the best they could in their current situation.”

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Even if they aren’t innocent, it will give you a much better

understanding of their intentions. It will open up the possibility of
much better communication, while giving them the opportunity to
respond kindly and in a more constructive way.
3 . It Is Impossible Not to Communicate

Everything you represent is some form of communication. In the
process of communication, the non-verbal message and your voice
play very important roles. Both verbal and non-verbal messages are
always sent to trigger some kind of a reaction from a receiver. The
way in which a receiver reacts depends on the message you send
and the way you send it. You are responsible for the understanding
or misunderstanding of your words by a receiver. That is why you
have to make sure the information you send is the same that the
receiver gets.
For me, familiarization with these basic assumptions was a great
foundation for getting to know more about the art of effective
communication. Moreover, it gives you a picture of what self-
development is, as well as the art of communication. It is not
necessarily a set of psychological techniques and tools, but a model
of wise change for the better. Even now, I often come back to these
assumptions and remind myself what is worth remembering.
Communication with other people is one of the most precious
abilities among our vast array of interpersonal skills. Unfortunately,
as time goes by, some of these abilities, once learned, stop
developing, stay on the same level or even diminish. There is,
however, some good news—your ability to communicate can grow
along with your life experience. That growth does not come easily
though, especially for people who lack awareness of what to change,
as well as an openness for eventual change.

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Chapter 1: How Do Our Mental

Filters Operate?
Every single piece of information that comes from our environment
goes through mental filters we all have in our minds. The realization
of their existence is the first step towards working on your approach
and attitude. A change of your attitude and mindset is the most
effective route to a positive revolution in your personal growth.
How exactly does it work? All your senses are your first
filter. They themselves already ignore certain parts of reality. When
you are watching the world around you, you are limited by how the
human brain is constructed. You do not perceive all the physical
phenomena with the naked eye—you can’t see the gravity, sound
waves, infrared light, UV waves, radio waves, Wi-Fi, microwaves,
radiation, etc. You do not see reality as it truly is. What you see is
only an interpretation, produced by your brain.
You have probably had a chance to see this illustration at some
point:

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Very famous picture. Duck or rabbit? Depending on who’s looking at

the picture, both answers might be right. When I first saw it at the
age of five, I could just see the duck. It all depends on the angle and
distance at which you are looking at it, your expectations and mental
filters by which your mind is operating at the moment. How about this
photo? Who is that?
Albert Einstein or Marilyn Monroe? Depending on the lighting, the

distance from which you are looking, condition of your sight, your
expectations and mental filters or how wide your eyelids are open,
you can see both. Do you see where this is going? We can’t observe
reality objectively.

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Honestly, your way of seeing the world might be very far from the
truth. Maybe brains of other species see a more exact reflection of
reality? Perhaps a dog’s brain is closer to perceiving the true nature
of the world, despite the fact it sees it totally differently than a
human? We have absolutely no evidence that states it is our species
that sees the world as it really is, although we have a lot of proof that
we can’t see, hear, feel or sense even a tiny bit of what many
animals can.
The other filters are acquired during our daily life. These are
experiences, which create your personality right from birth, in
addition to values , indoctrinated into your mind for many years by
your parents, friends, education system and the rest of society.
There are your ambitions and expectations, and most
importantly, your beliefs about the world. They create the
way in which you see the world, your own life, opportunities and
relationships with other people. If you believe that the world is a cruel
and insidious place, you will behave like that is the absolute and only
truth. It will give you a lot of unpleasant emotions and experiences. If
your belief is that the world is a wonderful and beautiful place full of
helpful people, your thoughts, emotions, self-talk, relationships and
entire life will be totally different.
Every Belief Is a Source of Specific Behaviors
Let’s assume for a moment that you believe every human is a liar
who only wants to take advantage of you. Having such a belief,
imagine how would you behave in a new company with new co-
workers around you or trying to negotiate a new business deal?
Let’s now change a filter and say that you truly believe that people
love to make new friends and that everyone has something special
in themselves. How will your behavior look then? How different will it
be if you change only one of your beliefs so dramatically?

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If you want to make a change in how your sensory filters operate,

you can only do it by taking stimulants. By intoxicating your brain,
you make it perceive reality very differently. You’ve probably had a
chance to notice that after drinking too many beers, the world
appears to be quite different (until the painful morning!).
The most important thing is you can easily change how the “second
group” of your filters (mental filters) operate. You can change your
way of referring to your past experiences. You can change your
expectations towards the future. You can change your beliefs about
the world that surrounds you and about other people. You can even
change your deeply rooted values and your personal statement.
These adjustments cause the biggest and the most

profound changes in your emotions, habits and
communicational behaviors. They allow you to reach deep
down into your consciousness and truly transform yourself. Instead
of changing particular behaviors, you can start by changing your
beliefs. A lot of people in this world (maybe even the majority) hold
onto beliefs that not only don’t help them, but simply hurt them and
hold them back from real happiness and fulfillment.
A different way of seeing the world means a completely different life.
Remember that you always have a pair of “mental glasses” on your
nose. These glasses can be black and a source of unhappiness, but
they can also be colorful, which will make your life much more
passionate and much easier.

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Chapter 2: A Map Is N ot Actual

Terrain
As you already know from the first few sections of this book, every
human has their own map of reality, which is not actual reality. An
understanding of this concept will provide you with endless
possibilities of development. You will start seeing the world and your
relationships with other people very differently, more in depth and in
accordance with reality.
What is a map of reality? It is nothing more than a mental reflection
of the world that surrounds us. As I mentioned before, you do not
see the world how it is, but as you perceive it through a set of filters:
experiences, senses, beliefs and values. All of these create your
unique, subjective map of reality.
Our mind is forced to select crucial information from a great number
of stimuli and every human has a particular algorithm, according to
which the most important information is selected. Hence, the reason
why it’s impossible to perceive the objective world. What you see is
the reality that has already been filtered—all stimuli from the outer
world is carefully preselected.

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When you accept and understand it, you notice that every human
being has a different map of the world. Eventually you’ll come to the
realization that every person on this planet has different life
experiences, different beliefs, different values and expectations.
Interpretation of the same information may be completely
different when made by different people. There is no one
objective truth.
Everyone is right according to their own map of the

world.
Let me give you a few examples which will allow you to better grasp
that concept. For starters, let' s take Japanese manga comics. What
does this type of comic book mean to you? What does that word
mean to you? For a manga enthusiast, the word “comics” probably
has very emotional meaning, which automatically brings a smile to
their face. It may even be one of the most important words in their
lives! For someone else, the term " comic book" may mean a bundle
of paper worth close to nothing. Both individuals have different maps
of the world and for that second person, it may be really difficult to
understand the otaku’s [ 2 ] map of reality. They could argue for hours
whether manga comics are cool and interesting or maybe lame and
boring, but what sense does it make? Someone might be willing to
pay exorbitant amounts of money for a single quirky painting, an old
car which barely works, a postage stamp, a book so old you can’t
even read it anymore or anything else. Someone else might be
wondering for weeks what’s so special about an old copper fork from
the 17 th century when you can buy a new one for pennies. Who’s
right? Both of them. They just have different mental filters.
Here’s another example. Has one of your colleagues ever heard
something completely differently than the way you had intended in
your mind? It’s happened to me many times and I could never
understand why it was happening. It turns out that one simple
message can have a completely different meaning for different
people. In one person, the word " love" can cause dreaminess, in
another it can cause pain and negative emotions. Therefore, you

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should always choose your messages carefully and take your

colleague’s map of reality into serious consideration.
Here’s another situation. Because of the thick fog, a return flight from
France to the United States is cancelled. What is happening at the
airport? Over a dozen people jump with joy because they have an
extra day to spend in this beautiful country. Some people are
completely neutral — for them, nothing bad happened, but on the
other hand, they are not sure what to do and how their families will
react. Another group of people is desperate; they have important
business meetings in the USA a few hours later. Some other people
will be infuriated, because for them it will be their second canceled
flight in two weeks. Exactly the same event — different people,
different maps, different reactions.
Maps in Practice
I think that you can already see what this is about. Here comes the
question: how exactly can you use this?
First of all, you should come to the realization that the way you live
and whether you think your life is good or not depends only on the
kind of maps of reality you have. You see, most “happy people” are
not happy just because only good things happen to them all the time.
Just like some other people are frustrated all the time and not just
because they constantly stumble over sad and painful things. It
happens because these happy people, as well as those frustrated
ones, filter their reality in a particular way. If you have a belief that
the world is a bad and sad place, that is how you will feel all the time.
You will limit your perception of reality only to the bad aspects of your
life and you won’t be able to really notice all the good things that
happen to you, simply because you can’t focus on everything at
once. You will filter the good emotions out at your own demand.
Having said that, let me tell you about one extremely important thing.
There’s a gap in time between event and response. Between, for

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instance, someone saying something mean to you and you giving

them a response. Do you want to know what really happens during
that time? Do we stop and think about how should we answer? It
depends; sometimes we don’t really think about our replies. Do we
take time to think about what just happened? Maybe.
But what ALWAYS happens is we stop and think who we are.

Either consciously or subconsciously, it can happen in
a fraction of a second. The way we react to this
situation is simply a reflection of who we think we are .
We tend to think that we say and do what we say and do to other
people because they did something to us. But that is not true. It has
nothing to do with what happened. What people do and say
to us has nothing to do with us at all. Therefore, we need to
remember that everything we say and do is a reflection of who we
think we are and what we believe. What people say to you — it’s
about them. When you say anything, it’s about you. It reflects who
you are. It’s all about the way we are perceiving the
events, the reality.
There were times in my life when whenever someone was mean to
me (saying, for instance, that I’m too skinny, too pale, too short,
untalented or that I will never amount to anything), I would react
neurotically and either aggressively or passively (blaming myself for
not fitting into other people’s vision of me). After I started working on
myself, my self-confidence and my list of achievements got bigger
and I attained totally different and new self-perception. Now,
whenever someone is mean to me, I mostly don’t give a crap.
Depending on the context and situation, when it’s possible to do so, I
simply ignore it like someone would ignore a tiny, silent fruit fly on
the other side of the room. Anything people say to you doesn’t
have any meaning except for the meaning you give it.
I’ve read three different books about people who survived Nazi
concentration camps and Soviet gulags during World War II. Despite
the fact they were treated inhumanly, cruelly and their torturers

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attempted to smother their will to live at every moment possible,

what all of these people had in common is they did not respond as
these things were happening to them. They responded in a
completely different way, reflecting their belief of who they really
were. At the end of one of these books, there was a touching and
eye-opening quotation from an extermination camp survivor’s secret
diary, later found by American soldiers. It was a twenty years young
Polish girl who wrote,
“It’s my eighty-sixth day at the camp. I lost probably about 20
kilograms, I can see my every single bone and there are
bruises on every centimeter of my body, but I’m still alive,
which makes me really grateful. I also shared my bowl of
grass soup with a starving little Jewish child, and the Nazis
didn’t notice. Today I was looking at Nazi soldiers. Poor
people, they are watching us from behind these metal bars. If
I’m behind the bars, so they are. We can’t leave this place,
and so they can’t until their vain mission is accomplished.
Locked in this prison of foolish human pride and self-conceit,
and they think we are the only ones trapped in here.”
All of these people (Polish girl, Russian soldier and Dutch-Jewish

professor) in all three books did exactly the same thing to make their
wall against the hell. They disconnected what happened to them with
how they interpreted this situation. That’s why the biblical story of
Jesus Christ, no matter what your religion is or isn’t, is so powerful to
so many people. As the Bible says, Jesus was whipped, humiliated,
spat on, kicked, made to carry his heavy cross and then crucified,
but he never reacted as if that was happening to him — he acted
according to whom he believed he was — God’s son. It doesn’t
matter if you’re a religious person or an atheist, you ought to see the
everlasting wisdom beneath these stories and apply them into your
daily life.
This change of beliefs or way of seeing your experiences will allow
you to filter reality completely differently. The assumption that a map
is not actual terrain is extremely helpful in social interactions and
building relationships with people. Now, before you judge someone' s

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behavior, you will remember that it comes from a different map of the
reality that person has. If you want to create a strong relationship
with another person, first get to know their map and then try to
empathize with it. You will be able to understand their emotions,
needs, behaviors and experiences at a much deeper level.
This concept also shows you that proving you are right doesn’t
usually make any sense. Occasionally in the past, I felt the need to
argue with other people about who was right. I always tried to show
them rational arguments and concrete proof and I could not stop
wondering how someone could be so wrong about something. In
reality, it was just like I had a map of New York and they had a map
of Los Angeles and we would argue for hours whether the harbor
was in the west or in the south of the map.
Think about how much energy you lost in your life for such pointless
arguments. Now, when you know that everyone has their own map
of the world and sees reality differently, through individual prisms, it
should be much easier to understand that very rarely is there such a
thing as objective truth and being one hundred percent right about
something. Everyone is right in their own model of reality and if you
want to improve your communication skills, you have to really think
about it. After all, you can say, “OK, on my map the harbor is in the
west and on yours it’s in the north. It doesn’t matter as we have
different maps. Let’s find the right map together so we can finally find
the damn harbor!”
Remember, there are as many maps of reality as people in the
world. Make your map the most beneficial for yourself and respect
other people’s maps, without forcing them to use yours. This is one
of the most important concepts in family therapy, psychology of
communication, Neuro-Linguistic Programming and many other
different schools of psychology, sociology and social dynamics. I will
tell you more about this particular concept and how to make practical
use of it later in this book, in chapters called “ Rapport, the Art of
Excellent Communication , ” “ Metaprograms ” and “ Meta Model . ”

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Chapter 3: Eight Most Important

Questions You Should Ask
Yourself
As we speak about having the right attitude, before proceeding to the
verbal communication tools, let’s now reflect on the most important
rules and the essential knowledge about traits of an effective
communicator: emotional intelligence and the right approach to the
process of communication.
1. Is W hat You Say Possible to Realiz e?
Everything you say must be possible to realize— that is

the first rule. If not, then the verbal message cannot be done and
makes no sense. Let me explain. When you hear: “Forget about the
number 4,” or, “Don’t think about anything green,” you are not able to
do it, because the process of forgetting is impossible (you can’t just
forget about something in a second, on demand, can you?). Such a
command has exactly the opposite effect—a person thinks more
about what they are supposed to forget and reinforces the
information they wanted to delete or behaviors they wanted to stop.
Do you see the pattern now? It is similar to common sandbox and
playground comments parents so often tell their children: “Be nice”
(or any other adjective). The verb “to be” is unworkable, because it is
impossible not “to be” when you’re alive. A child can’t really
understand this concept, which frustrates both the child and their
parent. Instead of throwing out vague words, specify exactly what
the matter is and make sure that it is possible to perform a
constructive action to have a concrete physical result.

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2. Is W hat You Say Precisely Formulated?
“Be nice!” “Behave!” “You better motivate yourself!” Can you tell
exactly what these sentences mean? No—they lack precision and
hence, can be understood in too many different ways. In effect, it is
almost a guarantee of an execution of your message far from your
expectations. For example: instead of saying meaningless, “Be
nice!”, tell your child precisely what you are expecting, like, “Put
the car on the shelf, where the other toys are.” Rather than, “Behave
yourself!”, say, “Speak more quietly, please. ”
Do not demand “motivation” from anyone, because it does not
provide any solutions and doesn’t point to anything in particular.
Instead, you could tell someone to straighten their back up, speak
louder and talk about a specific goal or situation that makes them
enthusiastic and excited. Anything you say must be
precisely formulated — that is rule number two.
3. Is W hat You Say Positively Formulated?
Imagine that you ask someone if they’d like something to drink or if

they would like to have a coffee. The answer is “no.” You propose a
tea and the answer is the same.
- “Orange juice?”
- “No.”
- “Glass of bourbon?”
- “No.”
How much time will it take until you get irritated? Negation in itself is
reactive—it applies to the already existing reality without constructive
creation of the future, which leaves the person you’re speaking with
no possibility of solving the problem. It brings especially negative
consequences for small children. By hearing what they are not

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supposed to do, they are not able to create a proactive attitude for
seeking solutions in themselves. It is because our brain does not
really recognize negations —a proposition not to think about
pink elephants will end up with failure, because what you hear
(despite the negation), the brain will process anyway. Next time,
when someone tells you, “I do not want to get at you, but…” you will
know that they most probably want to get at you. Instead of saying to
your employee: “Don’t respond to a customer that way,” explain how
exactly you want that person to respond. Rule number three:
what you say must be positively formulated.
4. Are You Talking To Others Or To Yourself?
“Understand it,” “Know what, I’m talking to you,” “You feel me” ...
Other people cannot understand you in the way you want to be
understood, because that can only be done by yourself. No one can
be responsible for the mental and emotional processes of other
people, as in the end it is you who decides what you think and how
you feel, apart from whether your interlocutor (person who takes part
in a dialogue or conversation) triggers and stimulates it or not.
Because of different “mental filters”, it is not possible for other people
to always entirely understand what you mean or “feel you” in the way
you want them to.
They can understand you based on how they process what you say,
as well as how they feel and interpret it, according to their own
cognitive filters. If you can honestly and deeply understand yourself
(that can be the hard part), when you know what exactly you want to
communicate and you feel yourself, then communicating your
message to the other person will be not only possible, but easy. R
ule number four is to remember to always take
responsibility for yourself.

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5. Is W hat You Say A “ Mind Reading” Or A Description of

Measurable Facts?
- “I can see that you are sad!”

- ( “No, you can just see tears in my eyes. I was cutting an onion.”)
- “I know what you are going to say!”

- ( “No, you don’t. You are just reminding yourself what I said in a
similar situation last time.”)
- “This picture tells me you were not very happy back then.”
- ( “No, pictures do not speak. You just interpret them this way and
then you put your interpretation on the picture. It is an attribution
error [ 3 ] ( pictures are not able to speak) and a projection bias [ 4 ] [ 5 ]
( thinking that what we think about the reality is in fact identical with
what our interlocutor thinks).)”
Correct reading of mental processes is, in reality, very difficult. Until

today, psychology has never found unequivocal solutions concerning
things like reliable reading of body language and in most cases, it is
close to impossible in every day communication and usual
circumstances. The case remains even after thorough CIA training,
no matter what you watch in your criminal-drama TV series. It is also
estimated that the majority of e-mail communication (or online chat
communication) is usually deformed, meaning that the reception of a
message by the receiver is usually different than intention of its
author. Have you ever gotten into an argument because you didn’t
include the smiley emoticon or omitted an abbreviation (e.g. IMHO)?
Description of facts has an objective character and when you treat
your own judgement as an objective description of reality, it often
leads to many conflicts.
- “You look nervous!”

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- “No, I am not...”
- “Don’t tell me you’re not! I can see you are!”
- “What’s your point? I just told you I’m not nervous.”
- “Why are you responding to me that way and raising your voice?
Why are you so nervous?!”
- “FOR GOD’S SAKE, I TOLD YOU ALREADY. I’M NOT
NERVOUS!!!”
- “STOP BEING SO ANGRY AND SHOUTING AT ME!!!”
And so it escalates…
Remember the fifth rule of conscious communication—

always describe measurable facts instead of trying to
read minds .
6. Does W hat You Say Describe W hat You Feel Or Does It Attack
Your Interlocutor?
Offending your interlocutors usually leads to activation of defense

mechanisms in them, which helps them defend their self-image.
Telling your partner, “You don’t love me!” will probably end with the
negation, “It’s not true. I love you!” retaliation, then “You constantly
jump at me!” and eventually escalation of conflict (“Here we go
again. How many times can you make up problems that don’t even
exist? When will you stop behaving like a little boy/girl?!”). Instead of
attacking your interlocutor, it is more beneficial to tell them about
your own feelings, which have an educational and informative
character and are safe for your interlocutor’s integrity and self-image.
In reference to the above example, instead of, “You don’t love me!”,
a much more effective and wiser message would be, “Yesterday,
when you said that I looked bad in that dress, I felt very sad!” If the
interlocutor says that they did not have that on their mind, it is worth
explaining. “I understand and I’m glad that your intentions were

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different. Nevertheless, I understood it that way. Next time, could you

say that in a different way, for example …?”
This sixth rule saves you from unnecessary conflicts, relationship
problems and a waste of time and energy. Remember: always
describe your feelings without attacking and offending
your interlocutor. It will just lead you astray.
7. Does W hat You Say Concern A Person Or Their Behaviors?
Our opinions about others are always generalized and we usually

reduce them to a common denominator. It’s always an evaluation of
some kind and it does not matter if it’s positive (“You are very smart”)
or negative (“You are so stupid!”), it always builds a biased and
unreal picture of our interlocutors in their (and often our) minds. It’s
unreal, because everyone has moments when they act either in a
very intelligent or really dumb manner. Moreover, it always depends
on the observer’s opinion, because after all, there are no “one
hundred percent objective criteria” of intelligence and stupidity (even
complex IQ and EQ tests or extremities like Darwin Awards can’t be
viewed objectively in all cases). These unreal or biased pictures
build a particular type of biased self-esteem (or self-doubts) and the
message itself describes the external reality for your interlocutor
(even if biased), which makes any changes almost impossible. What
do I mean by that? For instance, when someone isn’t seemingly very
intelligent and has never acted too smart in many areas of life
according to your opinion, then you can’t really transplant their brain,
can you? However, what you CAN do is refer to their behaviors,
because these—as opposed to inborn capabilities or personality
traits—are quite easy to change. Additionally, it’s much harder to
offend someone when relating only to their behavior. Instead of, “You
are stupid,” say: “When you go to meet your client next time, please
read much more about their company so you really know what you
are talking about, okay?” Instead of, “You are so intelligent!” it’s
sometimes better to say: “When you expressed your opinion about

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that book yesterday, it was so immersive and well-detailed, you really

inspired me to read it!” Rule number seven teaches us to
express opinions about people’s behaviors, not about
them in general.
8. Does W hat You Say Have Hidden Intentions?
“Honey, weren’t there any prettier dresses in the shop?” is not a

question about availability of other dresses, but a negative comment
judging that particular one or more likely, the person wearing it. The
words, “And what do you think, for God’s sake?!” do not mean that
you want to know other persons’ opinions, you just want to show
your own frustration. Messages with double meaning, in which a told
content differs from the real speaker’s intentions, lower the level of
trust of adult interlocutors and won’t be understood by most children.
Because the building of a relationship without trust is not possible,
the more direct and straightforward your messages are, the bigger
the possibility that what you want to transmit will be received
properly and positively. Of course, by “direct” I don’t mean harsh or
explicit. Social correctness, emotional intelligence , empathy and
sensitivity have to be taken into consideration.
So the eighth rule is to say directly what you want to
communicate.
Implementation of all of the above rules requires a systematic

practice and awareness. Some of the most basic communication
mistakes (for example: telling your children or employees what they
shouldn’t do instead of what they should do or sending vague, bland
messages devoid of any real meaning) are so common that despite
their dysfunctionality, they are perceived as something “normal” by
most people. Fortunately, every ability can be trained and the best
idea is to focus on one of these obstacles/dysfunctionalities for a
minimum of one week. As soon as you see improvement, you can

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proceed to another one and so on, until all the rules are applied. The
amount of misunderstandings and conflicts will surely be greatly
decreased.

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Chapter 4: How to Express

Anger and Avoid Conflicts
Wrath and anger are both destructive and creative emotions. They
can motivate us, remove blindfolds from our eyes and give us lots of
strength when directed properly, but their destructive nature is
revealed whenever we suppress our feelings. How should we
express these emotions to use them for creation of a healthy
communication with other people, instead of sudden, chaotic
outbursts of anger?
In our Western society, it is normal to suppress wrath, anger and
other bad emotions. It results in large amounts of unleashed energy
residing in us, which sooner or later erupt like a lethal volcano.
Surveys conducted by Dr. Robert W. Levenson from UC Berkeley
Institute of Psychology indicate that suppression of emotional
expression does not contribute to reduction of experienced
emotional intensity, but rather overstimulates and overloads our
neural systems. This leads to reduction of immunity and health
problems [ 6] . Suppressed emotions always manage to find their way
out eventually [ 7] .
To understand how anger works, we must realize the difference
between a stimulus and a cause. Every emotion is a result of our
thoughts. The cause of each emotional state lies in our thinking. It is
one of the basic assumptions of cognitive-behavioral therapy. The
behavior of another person which we didn' t like is then a stimulus,
that activates (indicates, reminds us of) a real cause (a thought that
starts to haunt us again).
When your partner does not call you for a long time, you can feel
anger and accuse them that they don’t care about you. However, if
you look deeply at the real cause of your anger, you could realize
that you simply need more love signals from your partner.
Subconsciously, you decided to treat the stimulus (no phone call) as

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the cause. This is how we transfer the responsibility for our bad
emotions to the external world instead of taking a better look at
ourselves, our emotions, thoughts, feelings and needs.
When we express anger, we usually interpret a stimulus as a cause
and we blame the other person for our anger. Feeling that a certain
behavior should change or end, we accuse them, saying that they
did something wrong and the next time they have to do it differently.
As a result, our interlocutor is raising the shield and going into
defensive mode. It' s a normal, usual reaction. Where there is an
attack, there is also a defense. The stronger the attack is, the
stronger the defensive reaction.
As soon as your interlocutor starts defending themselves, they are
not able to understand what the problem actually comes down to.
Their priority will now be to push the accusations away and to
resolve the conflict as soon as possible (usually not in the healthiest
way possible, but the quickest, to release the tension they feel).
They also won’t be able to change their behavior, even if you
communicate to them how extremely important it is to you (probably
yelling or crying at the same time, as the conflict escalates).
The basic mistake most people commit when they are angry is
blaming the other person for what and how they feel. They are not
aware that anger really tells them about themselves. On the surface,
it seems like a stimulus is a cause of our anger and bad
emotions...and the real reason stays unknown.
The source of anger always lies in our thinking, beliefs and attitude.
Our needs, expectations and judgements. If you feel anger, it very
often means that some of your needs remain unfulfilled. When you
choose yelling and accusations as a method of expressing this
emotion, you' ll have unnecessary conflict instead of solution and
your relationship with the other person will quite possibly get worse.
So what should you do when these intense emotions occur? Treat
them as an alarm, a sign pointing to a certain unsolved problem.
When the siren howls, direct all your attention inwards. Why do I feel

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anger? What exactly made me so angry? What am I missing that

makes me feel this way? What do I need?
Such insight and finding answers to these questions is not easy
when we feel like we want to fight and pour these bad emotions on
the other person. It is very important, however, to stop for a while,
take a deep breath and give yourself a few moments to observe
what is going on inside of you.
When you lose control of yourself under the influence of bad
emotions, the explicit expression of your anger can be very tempting,
even pleasant in a way. Holding it in may require some inner
strength, but when you manage to push the “STOP” button, it’s
sometimes better to leave your room, house or apartment before the
anger explodes and the conflict escalates. Then, you need just a few
moments and some good questions to ask yourself and the emotions
will start to evaporate. Working on a constructive dialogue, you can
return with a desire to talk in a calm manner and to solve the case in
a healthier, more efficient way.
Have you even wondered why, in a frenzy of anger, we have such a
huge need to throw unpleasant words at others and simply make
them feel bad? Why can pouring this anger and psychological
bullying be so pleasant?
Simply, we want them to become aware of the pain we think they
made us feel. We want to give these bad emotions back so that they
admit their mistake, submit and surrender. We want them to finally
change their behavior.
The problem is that when someone thinks they have

done something wrong, they will not have the
opportunity to empathize with your pain. They will
allocate all of their energy into defending themselves.
Therefore, there is no point in blaming others when we feel bad. It
makes no sense at all on a practical level of reason. If we want to
solve the matter constructively, we have to allow that person to
understand what is going on inside of us, how we really feel. To

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express your anger wisely, it is worth it to restrain yourself from

throwing swear words, plates, cutlery and photo frames.
When you accuse someone of something, the accused person has
two possible choices. To take your words personally (which will make
them feel hopeless and restrain them from changing their behavior)
or to reject them (which won’t change their behavior either).
If you really want someone to change their behavior, remember,
they must feel the need themselves . It can happen ONLY
when they feel no need to defend themselves and when you explain
to them very calmly and clearly what exactly you feel, why you feel
that and what your needs are.
Let’s recap quickly:
1. Take a pause. Stop for a moment and take a breath. Put aside any
accusations against the other person.
2. Be aware of thoughts which are the source of anger. Reflect on
them deeply. What judgment, opinion or belief in your head makes
you feel the way you feel?
3. Understand your needs. If you already know the thought behind
the source of anger, consider what need this thought comes from.
What specifically are you missing?
4. Express your needs. Do not judge the other person. Talk only
about your feelings, which appeared due to the particular behavior of
that person.
If you want to express your anger in a healthy way and use it to

create agreement and build better relationships, stop blaming others
for your feelings and direct the beam of consciousness on your
emotions and needs.
Learn how to constructively communicate these needs, to help
others understand what you feel and where your anger comes from.
This will help them change their own behavior according to what is
important to you.

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How would you estimate your level of control over the intense,
devastating emotions?

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Chapter 5: Smile
Why do we like to laugh so much? What happens in the brain when
you smile?
1 . Your smile is controlled by two groups of muscles—

the major zygomatic muscles and orbicularis oculi . These first run on
the sides of the face, connecting with the corners of your mouth.
When you smile, they reveal the teeth and raise the corners of your
mouth. Orbicularis oculi are responsible for closing the eyelids. They
are also responsible for the wrinkles in the corners of your eyes.
The movement of zygomatic muscles can be controlled by us. We do
this when we want to smile artificially. Orbicularis oculi work
independently of our will and appear only when we laugh
honestly. So if you want to know if someone laughs for real or
artificially — look at the sides of their eyes. During artificial laughter,
only their mouth laughs.
2. A smile is contagious. Scientists have discovered the " mirror
neurons" in our brains which are responsible for recognizing the
emotions on other people’s faces. After such a recognition, they turn
on the areas of our brain responsible for the same emotions
(sometimes it’s enough to look at a photo of a smiling baby or watch
a short clip with someone laughing in it). When we see a smile on
another person’s face, we can also start to smile very easily — we
automatically feel joy, so smiling affects the behaviors of other
people and their reactions on us. Also, when we laugh often,
people see us as more friendly, nicer and happier.
3 . Laughter is good for your health. Smiling positively affects

your breathing. When we laugh, we breathe faster, and this is a great
exercise for the diaphragm and throat. It also increases the
oxygenation of the blood and betters your blood flow. According to

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neurologist Henri Rubinstein, one minute of honest laughter equals

45 minutes of deep relaxation .
4 . The hormone of happiness. Laughter stimulates the

secretion of endorphins, hormones in the brain. These are of similar
chemical composition to morphine and heroin, but they calm and
strengthen your immune system. The release of endorphins greatly
improves our well-being .
5 . The mere act of smiling, even artificially, causes the
release of endorphins in the brain. Activity of the muscles
responsible for smiling is so strongly associated with our well-being
that it works both ways. So if you want to feel better in a second, just
smile a couple of times, even if you do not have the desire to. Try it
yourself, even now.
6 . Social smile. Research shows that we laugh more often when
we' re in the company of other people rather than when we are alone.
Robert Provine says that only 15% of our laughter comes from the
amusement of jokes! There is wisdom to that — so many times I
barely smiled when reading a joke alone at home, but when I heard
the same joke while with a group of people, I cried out loud with
unstoppable laughter. It turns out that laughter has an important
social function; it’s the way to forge relationships.
Conclusions? They are probably obvious. Smile more often to
improve your communication skills! Your brain will be
functioning much better and other people will see you as a more
sociable and friendly person. What' s more, you will also improve
their humor and you will feel much better in the process.

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Part II: Communication Skills
Chapter 6: The Most Common

Communication Obstacles
The ability to effectively communicate consists of:
1. Understanding of others (and showing it)
2. Clear expression of oneself
3. Imposing an influence on others
4. Active listening
5. Asking open and detailed questions
6. Taking care of our own needs and goals during a
conversation
7. Exchanging opinions in a non-conflicting way
Get to Know Your Obstacles!

If you want to improve your communication skills, you need to first
recognize your limits, then really think about all the things holding
you back while interacting with other people.
A good idea is to ask the people you see most about what you
should improve in yourself (or even change totally) when it comes to
your way of communicating. It might appear as a strange idea at
first, but believe me, it’s one of the most effective ways of inner
transformation. Your friends, family or coworkers (interlocutors in
general) may often see some aspects of your communication
(sometimes as subtle as tone of voice, facial expression, etc.) that
you are completely unaware of. Now, let me tell you about the most
common obstacles on your way to becoming an effective
communicator. Take a moment to reflect at each of these points very
deeply and honestly. No need to deceive yourself. Answer yourself:
are you doing these things often ?

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Playing a J udge
Do you often tell others how you think they are or how they should
be? Perhaps you are certain that your way of perceiving the world is
the only correct way? If you tend to show judging behaviors, you
may have a tendency to interpret your interlocutor’s messages
through mental filters of stereotypes or your own beliefs and
experiences. Feeling like you are the only one with the right to be
right will turn out to be wrong and unfair.
Feeling the N eed to Finish Sentences for Others
Often, while talking with others, you interrupt and practically finish
the whole sentence instead of letting your interlocutor do it. It is very
frustrating for people around you and can make them unwilling to
continue the conversation, even if you are not told directly. In some
instances, if it happens constantly, it can even contribute to the
ending of your relationships because a listener does not try to
analyze what a sender is trying to say. If you are a frequent
interrupter, do everything you can to stop this tendency. You
could, for example, imagine yourself as a journalist conducting an
interview with a VIP, in serious need to gain as much information as
possible about the other person.
Uncle Good Advice
When you share your observations and give others advice, you
almost always feel like you can surely help them or contribute to
solving their problems. Step back and take a moment to think about
how you feel when other people are constantly giving you their
advice (especially unwanted advice). How does it make you feel?
Instead of playing a good uncle and giving your “helpful tips” to
everyone (“If I were you, I would…”), try putting yourself in your

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interlocutor’s place or situation and reflecting on how you would feel

when something like that happened to you. Eventually, you can give
advice if that’s your field of expertise or you’re asked for it. Only just
enough advice and not too much, only an honest attempt to
understand your interlocutor deeply and nothing more. As often as
possible, avoid playing a role of a wise sage or oracle and try to lead
th e conversation in a way to enable your interlocutors to solve the
problem by themselves.
Moraliz er
Similar to “Uncle Good Advice,” but even worse as it’s totally

pointless. Does your style of conversation have features of a
moralizer? “Good and honest men do not act that way!” “Every
intelligent man put in your place…” “You can’t just say that to
people!” “Who do you think you are?” “How can you listen to this kind
of nasty music?” “How can you wear these bright colored clothes all
the time? If I were you…” “One day you will see!” “When I was your
age I never…!” Are these the sentences that you say often? If the
answer is yes, really think about what you want to achieve by saying
these things. It is the most irritating and the least effective way of
communication. Try to avoid that kind of sentence as often as
possible, unless you want to be perceived as a hunchbacked grumpy
old aunt with a never-ending headache, chronic back pain and a fiery
hatred for cute, small animals.
Being “ The Talker”
Maybe you have a tendency for too many frequent, excessive

utterances, meaning that your mouth rarely shuts. On one hand, it
can be a feature of your openness, knowledge or high intelligence.
On the other hand, such need for a constant self-expression can be
overwhelming for others.

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This feature is rarely required in everyday situations (only

sometimes, when you first meet someone, when they’re shy and you
want to kick start the talk) and makes it difficult to receive genuine
info about other people (and also feedback about yourself) during
the conversation. Too much excessive talking from your side can be
discouraging in the early stages of relationships and too often you
may wonder why a selling transaction was cancelled or why
somebody avoids contacting you. It feels like hanging out with a
parrot or an actor rehearsing his annoying monologue for the fiftieth
time before a big play. This was my big obstacle and the reason I
was able to date many nice girls back in my high school days, but
without a chance for a second or third meeting. I simply talked way
too much and rarely listened to them and it took me many wrecked
first impressions and sleepless nights to figure that out. They
probably felt like they were having dinner or a walk with a TV screen.
Many men have problems with that. Even today I can talk A LOT and
once I start firing words, I often have to force myself to stop, thinking,
“Easy, you will have time to say all these things, but not yet. You are
not here alone! Chill out, dude.”
People W ho Don’t Let You Speak
Opposite to above, you may have a tendency for submission in

relationships with others. Do you have the impression that others are
not interested in your opinion? Do you often find yourself in
situations where your interlocutor takes advantage of your attention
and does not let you speak? Think about the reason beneath such
situations.
Maybe you have a bad opinion about yourself (“I have nothing
interesting to say”). Maybe you are afraid of other people’s reactions
when you want to interrupt a conversation or simply add to it. Do not
let that happen. You have the same right to speak as others have. If
you feel badly during a conversation (someone is overwhelming you
by their talking), just stop them, politely tell them about it or try to
change the subject. Don’t waste your time and energy.

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The key phrase is, “So, you’re telling me…” It’s a great navigational
tool to use in conversations with people who tend to often jump from
one topic to another and talk about one hundred different things in a
matter of few minutes. I have this business partner who tends to lose
track often in his conversations. He really is a big talker. If you took
him to a business meeting and asked him to quickly tell you how he
got into the retail business and what his background was, he would
tell you something like: “Well, that’s an interesting question. In 1979,
I was a military school dropout. Before that, I originally wanted to
become a pilot because I always wanted to be paid for playing with
grown-man toys, and you know, the military planes are so
fascinating. I don’t know if you’ve heard about the new project for US
army stealth-planes, but they can fly above the stratosphere and
they’re equipped with the newest…” and then he would tell you
everything he knows about military, soldiers, their families, their
friends and dogs. He would probably love to tell you a story longer
than all nine seasons of How I M et Your M other put together .
What you need to do to politely interrupt in that situation is to take
any of the last sentence that person said and repeat it back,
prefacing it with, “So, you’re telling me.” So if my friend got to that
point, I would tell him something like: “So, you’re telling me that
these new planes can fly really high, right?”
And normally when you say something like that to people, they
respond with saying, “Yes, I was telling you that…but why did you
ask me?” and then they go back right on the track. “Ah yes, I’m a
mechanical engineer.” Or if they forget the original question, you just
need to repeat it and they get right to the answer you wanted to hear,
but they are not offended that you are interrupted them, because you
interrupted them while showing that you are listening to them
carefully at the same time. As an effective communicator, you will
sometimes have to lead the conversation where it needs to go.
Comforting W ords

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There is nothing wrong with comforting someone, at least at first

glance. When we comfort someone, we have good intentions. We
want to show that a certain situation isn’t as bad as they might think
and it will get better. But clichés like: “Don’t worry, there will be a new
day tomorrow,” “Others may be in a worse situation than you are,” or
a very common saying, “Keep your head up!” usually bring exactly
the opposite effect. These sentences usually show a low level of
communication abilities. Remove them from your list of usual
reactions. What you can do instead is this simple process: first of all,
acknowledge what this person is feeling and why. That might be, for
example: “Really?! That’s a horrible thing to have to go through!”
That’s what people expect to hear rather than, “It’s not bad,” or,
“Don’t worry,” which would mean they are exaggerating, overreacting
or creating an artificial problem. The next thing you should say
instead of using clichéd phrases is something like: “I just want you to
know I’m here for you and I will be here for you until you overcome
this situation,” or, “Know that you can count on me if it ever happens
to you again.”
Losing Focus
Do you often find yourself distracted when listening to others?

Perhaps it is also difficult for you to stay concentrated or focus on
something for longer periods of time? Maybe you often show your
impatience non-verbally. If that’s the case, you should dedicate a
good bit of time to improving your focus.
By mastering the ability of concentration on what other people say to
you, you get more valuable information. This enables you to focus on
the real benefits of connecting with others and also allows you to be
there, in the moment, which not only makes you much more likeable,
but also more effective as a communicator. Thanks to this, you also
make an impression of a trustworthy and understanding person and
thereby, you build deeper relationships with others.

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Let’s now quickly recap what you just learned about basic
communication obstacles. To communicate effectively and avoid
distraction tendencies mentioned above, you have to remember
some basic rules:
1. Do not judge others; try to separate your own interpretations
from what your interlocutor really said.
2. Listen patiently to the entire conversation and paraphrase
often—the latter makes you rehearse what you have just been
told and keeps your mind from wandering away. Not only that,
but it also creates a very good impression of a genuine
listener.
3. Instead of handing out advice all the time, pay attention and
show readiness to find something interesting in your
conversation.
4. Give people you talk to a chance to show their beliefs, even
if they are quite different to yours. Do not show disapproval in
the form of moralizing, such as “Not bad, but when I was your
age…,” or, “But I would do it differently and more efficiently,”
etc.
5. Try to notice your interlocutor’s subtle emotional reactions
(you have to actually look at them when you talk) to know if
your utterances are overly expanded or not.
6. Remember that you have the same right to express yourself
as everyone else. If you feel overwhelmed, don’t stop yourself
from telling people who talk too much that you disapprove of
this.
7. Instead of comforting with cheesy clichés, just learn to show
interest and approval to your interlocutor.
8. Work on your concentration (e.g. by applying regular
meditation and relaxation techniques), and endeavor to
understand other people’s real intentions.
9. If possible, communicate face to face. Nowadays, we have a
plague of Facebook and e-mail quarrels, serious arguments
and even break-ups. When you don’t see who you’re talking
to, you can’t recognize their emotions. Written communication
is also often dishonest: people accuse somebody of

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something or offend them and read the answer whenever they

want to (or never), not giving the other person a chance for a
direct reaction. Poor and weak…but unfortunately more and
more common. It’s so easy to hide beneath your computer
screen, but it’s hard to say these things face to face.
There is a saying, “Everybody wants to grow, but nobody wants to

change.” When it comes to communication abilities, it is worth the
effort to open oneself for such a change.
The oldest public opinion research institute in the world, Gallup
Institute, conducted a very interesting survey. It concerned the most
irritating and nerve-wracking speaking habits. Below, I would like to
show you the results the research gained, from the least irritating to
the most irritating factor:
Place 11. Speaking with a foreign accent
Place 10. Too high-pitched tone, squeaky voice
Place 9. Grammar mistakes or incorrect pronunciation of words
Place 8. Rapid talking
Place 7. Groaning, nasal speaking voice
Place 6. The use of fillers like “eeeer,” “uhmm,” “you know” (It’s a
common illness; people are usually just afraid to take a pause and
allow themselves to be totally silent for a while, which is a lot better
than constant “uuhmmm”-ing and “you know”-ing.)
Place 5. Colorless, bland and monotonous speaking manner or voice
Place 4. Very loud talking
Place 3 . Muttering or overly q uiet talking
Place 2. Swearing or freq uent usage of extremely

explicit vocabulary
Place 1 . Interrupting when someone else is talkin g

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So we have another important obstacle, the final one.

Despite someone’s irritating voice, swearing or muttering, it is
INTERRU PTING which is THE MAIN V ERBAL FACTOR
beneath IRRITATION AND U NSU CCESSFU L
CONV ERSATIONS.
Your conversation should look like talking on a walkie- talkie or

CB radio in the car . W hen one person talks, the other one
listens. When one side pushes the “transmit” button and also starts
talking, they obviously won’t be able to hear what their interlocutor
has just said and might have lost important information about what’s
on the road ahead of them. Every time you talk to someone, try to
remind yourself of the “CB radio” example.
These bad verbal habits are often a significant barrier in our
everyday conversations. If you avoid them whenever you can, you
will see a huge improvement in your social life and career.
Now, take a quick look at all these obstacles again and ask yourself
if you can recognize your patterns of speaking in them. Do as much
as you can to eliminate them forever.

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Chapter 7: Five Most Basic and

Crucial Conversational Fixes
Let me now expand a little bit on what we learned in the previous
chapter and tell you about the five most powerful and easy-to-apply
conversational improvements you need to start using.
Stop for a Moment
One of the most basic and crucial things to do, which most people
aren’t doing in conversations, is to PAUSE before replying. A short
pause (2-5 seconds) after a person stops talking is a very smart and
savvy thing to do. When you pause, you accomplish three goals at
the same time.
First of all, you avoid the risk of interrupting if the person is just
taking a breath before continuing. The second benefit is that you
show the other person that you’re taking careful consideration by not
jumping in with your own comments at the earliest opportunity. The
last benefit is that you actually hear the other person better. The
words will soak into a deeper level of your mind and you will
understand what they are really saying with greater clarity. By
pausing, you mark yourself as a great person to talk to.
Ask for Clarification
Another tactic you can utilize in order to greatly improve your

communication skills is to ask for clarification. Never assume that
you fully understand what the other person is saying. Instead, if you
have any doubt at all, ask: “What do you mean,” or, “What do you
mean exactly?” Then just pause and wait.

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It’s one of the biggest assets I know to lead and control a

conversation. When you ask “What/how do you mean?”, the other
person can’t stop himself or herself from answering more
extensively. You can then follow up with other open-ended questions
and keep the conversation going .
Paraphrase
Another very good idea is to paraphrase the speaker’s words in your

own words. You can nod and smile and then say, “Let me see if I
understand you correctly. What you’re saying is this…”—and then
you repeat it back in your own words.
By paraphrasing the speaker’s words you’re demonstrating that
you’re genuinely paying attention and making every effort to
understand his or her thoughts and feelings. It’s also the best way to
politely interrupt and lead the conversation back on the right track.
Listen More, Talk Less
You need to know that listening builds trust. The more you listen to
another person, the more they trust and believe in you. Listening
also builds self-esteem—when you’re listening to somebody, their
self-esteem will naturally increase. They will feel more valuable,
respected and just better overall about themselves. Finally, listening
will also build your focus; your mind can process words at 500-600
words per minute, but we can only talk at about 150 words per
minute. It takes effort to keep your thoughts focused on other
people’s words. If you do not practice self-discipline in conversation,
your mind will wander in a hundred different directions. In other
words, by learning to listen well, you actually develop your own
character and your own personality.

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Three- Second Look
This one is actually a useful addition to the “stop for a moment” fix,
which you can use in many different situations. When you suspect
that someone is not telling you the entire truth, hiding something or
stretching the facts, you need to just stop talking. After they finish
their sentence, look them directly and deeply into the eyes, for three
seconds non-stop, completely silent. You can also tilt your head a
little bit forward. Since we are programmed and conditioned to deal
with this kind of pressurized situation rather badly and lying can be
very difficult, it usually ends in your interlocutor breaking down and
telling you the truth, giving more details, etc. It can be also used
when dealing with difficult people, for example, when you don’t want
to answer their nosy questions.

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Chapter 8: How to Deal with

Difficult People
Dealing with difficult people is extremely important, especially in the
corporate world or any other kind of professional life. It’s most
important not only in every day life, but when you can’t afford to
simply ignore them.
In this chapter you are going to read about the most popular types of
difficult people and how to deal with them easily and professionally,
like the polished communicator you want to be. Let us start with the
most important principles you should always keep in your mind:
1. Avoid trying to change these people. First of all,

their behavioral patterns are usually well-rooted and it would
require at least a few psychotherapy sessions to change their
behavior. So, unless you are an experienced psychotherapist
or hypnotherapist, don’t try it. It’s a little bit like an amateur
trying to dismantle a bomb: ineffective and careless.
Moreover, even the best professional in the world can’t
change someone who doesn’t want to be changed and
doesn’t allow it. All you can do is to point out the annoying
behavioral pattern, but it’s not your job to transform these
people.
2. Set your boundaries. You need to let these people know
that you will respect them, but you also want to be treated with
respect and won’t accept anything else. Don’t tolerate
shouting and pathological arguments in public situations or
other forms of disrespect. If necessary, tell them that you need
to remove yourself from the situation and just leave. A good
idea might also be to wait until they calm down and are ready
to talk more temperately. Teach and condition others how to
treat you and never settle for less than you deserve.

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3. Remember different mental maps and positive

intentions behind every behavior. Even though you
don’t agree with someone’s viewpoint, you need to realize that
there must be some reason behind their annoying actions.
Realize that it must be difficult to be stuck in such a negative
situation with anger and other bad emotions. Empathy is
helpful if you want to deescalate a frenzied situation.
Sometimes all these people want is to be heard or paid
undivided attention. They just lack the skills to communicate it
in an effective way. Also, don’t take things personally. These
people’s behaviors show their own level of self-development,
emotional intelligence and communication skills, not yours.
They might be tired, traumatized or in the middle of a difficult
life situation.
4. Don’t talk too much. When dealing with difficult people
and their irritating behaviors, it’s often a good idea to make
your verbal messages brief and concise. You should also have
a timeframe in your head and know how long you’re willing to
be a part of a discussion. Instead of talking about things like
“attitude” (it might be taken as a personal offense), focus on
certain behaviors these people represent.
5. Focus on behavior, not people. Instead of saying
things like, “Michael, you are a liar!”, rather say, “Michael, we
both know that what’s been said is far from reality.” Having
said that, you should always use a passive voice when having
difficult conversations. Instead of telling someone what you
want them to do, say what you want to have done, e.g.,
“Michael, I need that report done by the end of the day!”, not,
“Michael, you need to finish the report by the end of the day!”
Active voice: here’s what you did to me. Passive voice: here’s
what was done to me.
6. Focus on the most crucial things. When you are
facing the behavior of difficult people, they always want you to
engage with them in a way they imagined or are used to.
When someone does not fall into their pattern, they usually get
off their beaten track. Remember: don’t take their bait and

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never engage more than you have to. What gets rewarded
gets repeated. Another important thing is to often use the
broken record technique, using exactly the same
words/phrases, which sends the clear signal: “I’m not easy to
throw off my game. I know how to stay on message.”
7. U se “difficult people” silver bullets. First and
foremost, use boundary statements. They are usually based
on, “Would you like A or would you like B (you can’t have
both)?” In this instance, when somebody is trying to get your
help while being verbally aggressive, you might say, “Sir, I do
want to help you and address your problem, but not if you’re
going to keep your voice raised.” Then, you would use the so-
called empowering statement, e.g., “Would you like to take a
few minutes before we continue our conversation or have a
cup of tea? Are you ready to continue now?” Another smart
thing to do is to use the so- called “preemptive attack,” which
comes down to alerting someone that what you’re going to say
is going to aggravate the person a little bit. The more you jump
around and try to hide it, the more difficult it will be for you to
eventually say and as hard to acknowledge for your
conversation partner. The more you warn your interlocutor that
what you’re saying is difficult, the less difficult it will be for
them. So you can say, “I’m terribly sorry Mr. Smith. I know it
will be extremely frustrating for you, but your car won’t be
ready today. We will have to lend you a different model and
your car will be ready tomorrow morning.” That lets the person
know that you understand the situation is bad and also saves
you even more frustration by the end of conversation. The last
wise thing to do is to validate people, even the difficult ones.
Even phrases like, “I can see why,” “I understand you were
really angry,” or, “Oh, that’s really bad!” can be helpful (unless
you say something like, “I understand exactly how you feel”—
no, you don’t!). Ability to validate anyone in your conversations
while being truthful is a great communication skill, not only
useful to deal with difficult people.
8. You can also use suggestions. For example: “Bob, if
we do XYZ, how do you think it might affect you?” By saying

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this, you show people you are interested in their opinion. Often
there’s much tension relieved when we let people express
their thoughts. People become much more open when they
know you are really listening and paying attention to what they
think. When you get the answer, you should say something
like: “If I understand you correctly, you think (here use the
same words they spoke). I considered that and here’s how I
see it…” At the end, you need to quickly add, “Does that make
sense?” By doing that you show that you too have been
thinking about alternative solutions and resolving the conflict,
that their idea is one worth considering and that you are
interested in their opinion. It permits the person to say if they
agree or not and opens the communication process to more
constructive discussion. That’s something always worth trying.
Another important thing is body language. You can’t send a firm
message while your body is sending signals that you are being
passive. Here’s what you need to remember in this context.
· Find your tone of power. Here’s how you do that: simply look
down at your feet and go, “Mmmhmmmm.” This sound should
be resonating, strong and firm. When you localize it, you need
to speak in a slow and steady tone. When you speak too
quickly, you project an image of uncertainty and nervousness.
People tend to listen more when you speak slowly. You also
want to keep your tone within a small range, without going up
and down too much. Of course, that only applies to difficult
conversations, not your everyday chit-chats!
· Keep your head straight—don’t tilt it. That’s what dogs and
other pets do when they want to show you they are playful and
harmless. That’s the same message you are sending when
you tilt your head to the side. If you don’t want to project an
image of someone who’s soft and easy to take advantage of,
you want to lean slightly forward with your shoulders back and
your chest out. You may also want to shift your head forward a
little bit.
· Keep your eye contact. In normal conversations, you don’t
want to maintain eye contact for longer than 7 seconds, but

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during difficult conversations, you should maintain it much

more intensely, which is going to send a message that you are
strong and hard to knock down verbally.
· Get rid of physical things standing between you and the
person you are communicating with. Physical obstacles
contribute to conversational barriers. Again, remember that
these bullet points are about difficult conversations, not normal
communication.
How to Fully Disengage
Imagine you are dealing with a difficult customer, your annoying boss
or anyone else who is just eating at you and has gotten you off track.
If you really want to let that go, instead of saying to yourself, “Let that
go. Surrender to the moment. I’m at peace,” which may be effective,
but not in this kind of situation, you want to do this simple 3-step
process. First of all, you want to start with disengaging physically.
Many people grab a coffee, a cigarette, or a beer, for example, and
then turn on the TV. Don’t do that! Go for a walk! If you can find a
place to stretch or do a few pushups, do it immediately! Go for a bike
ride or exercise for fifteen minutes. If you do it on a daily basis, you
will notice that after you finish, you will feel differently. Exercise
forces your body to release endorphins, which makes you feel good.
Then, you need to disengage mentally. Begin with asking yourself,
“What are the objective facts?” Then ask what your role and their
role in this matter are, as well as what options you have. For
instance, “They called me an imbecile!” That’s their role. What’s your
role in this? If you think, “My role is nothing,” you’re wrong. It might
be, “In fact, I believe what they said,” or, “I feel disrespected and
humiliated. I don’t understand them,” or, “I got too emotional and
acted like a silly kid, throwing names back at them and now I feel
dumb.” That’s your role in this. Lastly, consider your options. It might
be, “I can just ignore it,” “I can honestly talk to them about what
happened,” or, “I can stop seeing them,” or, “I can just decide that it’s
OK they are calling me that, it’s not really my problem.” Once you

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have done that, you can disengage verbally. Most people can’t
disconnect from the problem at all. They store all the painful things
inside them, take them home, watch TV with them, eat dinner with
unfortunate events, then go to bed, keeping them under their pillow.
And it’s not a funny thing. When you remember these two steps, you
can really change your behavior for the better. When you want to
disengage verbally, always remember the different maps and the
principle of good intentions. Remember that in fact, these people are
innocent. It may sound silly, but the person who it helps most is
really you. It’s much easier to communicate effectively when you
take these two simple steps beforehand and remember positive
intentions and different mind maps.
Coping with Passive- Aggressive People ( The Snipers)
We’ve all had or will have to deal with passive-aggressive people at

some point in our lives. Whenever someone is picking on your
specific behavior, giving you mean comments hidden behind snarky
lines or a “joke,” attacking you verbally using seemingly polite words
and sugar-coating their offenses, they are being passive-aggressive.
Some people do it from time to time without bad intentions, but some
act this way too often. Back in the day when I was working in an HR
department, I bought myself a pair of cool marine-blue suit pants. I
liked to wear them on special occasions, such as company
meetings. There was one typically passive-aggressive guy named
Christian who would always pick on them and say something like,
“Hey Ian, how’s your work in the car repair shop?” For a while it was
quite funny and I didn’t think repairing cars was a bad thing to do.
However, he never stopped teasing me about it and it became more
and more annoying. After two or three times, he would start asking
me if I was going to change his tires, then he went even further and
started calling me “lost postman,” “fired mechanic” and “delivery
boy.” What I didn’t know then was you should always call
these people out on their abusive behavior. If they say
mean things in public (and that’s what they usually do), you need to

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address their behaviors in public. If you don’t, they will continue

doing it more and more aggressively. These people usually have an
issue of some sort with you, but they are either too scared and not
strong enough to say it directly to you or they can’t do it in a given
situation. Here’s what you should do:
1) Repeat what they said.
2) Clarify their behavior.
3) Ask a closed question to confirm or deny their intentions.
When that “blue pants” thing happened again, this time at a business
conference in front of our entire department, I looked at him with a
serious tone and facial expression and asked him, “Christian, when
you asked me again at which discount store I bought my suit pants
and told me I looked like a delivery boy, what I’m thinking is that you
are trying to belittle me in front of our co-workers. Is that what you
are trying to do?” You simply want to repeat their behavior, clarify
their intentions (“Was that your true intention?”, “Is that what you
wanted to do here?”, etc.) and then ask them a closed question
(yes/no) to call them on their actions and make them either confirm
or deny their intention in a clear and professional way. These three
simple steps tell these people that you’re not going to engage in their
“jokes,” nor let them get away with what they are doing one more
time.
Christian blushed, become awkwardly silent for a few seconds and
said, “Oh… I’m really sorry, it was just this joke we had, you know…”
Well, I didn’t know. I just gave him a three-second silent look. Then
he shut up for the rest of our meeting and never picked on me like
that again. Of course, this was a professional situation and this guy
was rather smart (he was probably jealous for some reason, maybe
because I was given better projects). It’s also possible that if you
ask, “Are you trying to insult me?” someone replies something like,
“YOU BET I AM!” As long as that person isn’t actively aggressive,
threatening you, etc., the best way to answer it is to ask, “Interesting,
why would you do that?” and then go from there. People who ask

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more questions have more perceived power in the relationship than

those who answer them .
Coping with N osy and Challenging People
There are many kinds of annoying and hard-to-deal-with behaviors in

people. Let me tell you another work situation related story. In the
very same office, there was this girl Kate. She was nice to talk to
from time to time, but unfortunately, she never knew when to stop
asking questions or where the boundaries were. Replies like, “Stop
asking. I won’t tell you,” worked on her like red cloth works on a bull.
Once, when I just finished talking to my boss on some strategic
decisions in the HR department, she came to my cubicle and started
asking me, “Why did she want to talk to you?” Obviously, it wasn’t
her business and I had a lot of work to do. Knowing this girl was very
stubborn, inquisitive and much into gossiping, I didn’t feel like giving
her a report on my conversation with the boss. The first time I
ignored it and just kept typing on my computer. When she asked me
her nosy question for the second time, I gave her the silent three-
second look and asked her, “Why would you ask that?” “I’m just
curious…” she replied. I smiled briefly and asked “…are you always
this curious?” She got a bit surprised and then replied, “Well, uhmm,
yes, usually.” Again, I looked directly into her eyes for three seconds
without saying anything and said she got a little bit unsettled. Then I
stared at my computer screen again and asked, “What were we
talking about?” Normally, at this point, everyone would probably
understand that I didn’t want to tell them anything, but she replied,
“Huh? I just asked you what you and Isabelle were talking about.”
Again, I gave her the three-second look and asked the same
question, “Are you always this curious?” She replied “…but you just
asked me and I just told you!” And I asked her back, “Well, what
were we talking about?” Guess what? Yes (or “oooh noo!”)! She
asked me again! So I asked her why would she ask that and if she
was always this curious, she got perplexed, turned on her toes and

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finally left me alone. You just learned a perfect technique you can
use to deal with nosy, stubborn and challenging people! Again, I
wouldn’t advise you use it on your boss, but it will work with anyone
on your level of the hierarchy. Don’t worry. Not all people are quite as
stubborn as Kate was, but this little trick worked even on her. This
persistent broken record technique is very frustrating and effective
when it comes to this type of person. Again, all you need to do is ask
something like, “Why would you ask that?”, then ask them a question
regarding the answer they just gave you to make them taste their
own sword and get them off their train of thought, e.g., “Is everything
people do so interesting to you?” (Mind you that this question
shouldn’t be aggressive or mean. Actually, being very polite is much
more confusing and works a whole lot better). Then, when you get
your “yes” or “no” you ask, “What were we talking about?” to either
change the topic or totally confuse the challenging person .
Coping with “ J udges”
We all know people who feel the urgent need to judge others and
make everybody listen to their comments on everyone and
everything around them. Sometimes it might be a good idea to
simply ignore it (non-reactive people have more power in social
relations), but sometimes enough is enough. Few know that dealing
with this kind of person is actually not that difficult at all. All you have
to do is repeat the judgement while super-exaggerating it and then
ask a distorted clarifying question. This simple, yet effective trick is
something I actually learned from my mother.
I remember when I was a teenager, my mum had this colleague from
her work, Ms. Jacqueline, that she sometimes invited over for a
coffee. She was a nice person overall, but very much into judging
others and criticizing everything and everyone entirely too often.
Once she made a mistake and commented on my behavior (“The
music he listens to is really aggressive and difficult to get along
with!”). Then, fifteen minutes later, she told my mum that my sister,
who was several years older than me, should have been married

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long ago. My mum probably had enough of her judgements that day
and she said, “When you say you believe my daughter should have
been married a long time now, are you saying that she’s too ugly or
too dumb to find herself a decent man?” Ms. Jacqueline almost
spilled her coffee on her pink dress, covered her mouth with an open
hand and replied, “No…oh! My dear! That’s not what I’m saying at
all!” My mum just looked at her silently for a few seconds (I imagined
laser beams firing from her irises) and then said, “By the way, it
reminds me of that funny book I read in elementary school…” As far
as I know, Ms. Jacqueline never commented on our family members
again. You should’ve seen her face (I did as I was stealing their
heavenly chocolate cookies)! I figured it out a few years later my
mum actually used one of the most effective social-dynamic
techniques without even knowing it.
That’s what you can do when you feel that you are struggling with
someone’s annoying judgements. Repeat what they said and ask a
clarifying question, exaggerating the whole thing. Then, give the
person a clear three-second look and change the topic saying
something like, “Now that you mention it, it reminds me of…” Again,
you want to remain calm (or at least act like you are) and polite, but
be straightforward and serious (don’t say it like their judgements are
a funny joke). With some hard-case people you may have to do it
two or three times, but believe me when I say they will get the
message. That’s the perfect way of dealing with these people in an
eloquent, polished and effective non-aggressive way.
Coping with “ The Exploder”
The fancy sounding “Exploder” is a name for people who often lose
their temper, yell and scream at other people or are just rude and
nasty in general. People act like that for many different reasons, but
usually it’s because in the past, when they acted like that, other
people would get intimidated and give them what they wanted. The
number one reason difficult people are difficult is because it’s

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working for them. The best technique you want to have in your
pocket is called “DTU” – “Do the Unexpected.” When aggressive
people shout, get intense and into your face, they either expect you
to start shouting back at them (usually not a good solution) or
surrender and give up. When you do something else, they usually
snap and lose their temper. One good idea is…to actually agree with
them. This is one of the best “silver bullets” you can use when it
comes to dealing with this kind of verbally aggressive person. Let’s
say that you are working in a bank and one of your clients comes to
you, yelling that his two dollars disappeared from his bank account
due to some kind of online error. He says that he’s so upset, it’s
thievery, a scandal, that he will call the police, the military and an
exorcist and sue you and all your family if you don’t give him his two
bucks. The best thing you can do in this kind of situation is to say
something along the lines of, “Yes sir, you are right. I agree that two
dollars is a substantial loss and an unacceptable error…” What you
would do here is look for some nugget of rationality in their exploding
madness. While remembering that everyone is using different mental
maps, moral values and acting according to different beliefs, you
need to realize that behind all of their unreasonable communication,
they are usually upset about something that’s easy to be upset
about. When they start exploding, they normally expect a fight. By
agreeing with them, you show them you are on their side, which
allows you to solve the problem much faster .
Naturally, if you have these people in your social circle as colleagues
or friends, you should do everything to avoid them as often as
possible, if you can afford that.
If you really need to disagree with them, start by agreeing (finding
bits of rationality in their aggression, like stated above) and then,
once they calm down, disagree constructively. If it’s possible, you
can put the blame/responsibility on someone else. For example, say,
“If my boss was here, he might say…” and then express your
disagreement. Then, ask a question. “How would you solve this
problem?” or, “What would be the perfect solution for you here?”
Listen to their answer and say something along the lines of, “Your
idea is interesting, but I cannot agree with (repeat the exact spot of

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disagreement using their words).” For instance: “Your idea is creative

and inspiring, but I cannot agree that five hundred dollars as
compensation would be a good fit for both sides of this dispute. We
don’t have to agree on everything, though, and we can work out
another mutually agreeable solution, can’t we?” Adding the “Can’t
we?” is very important. Then you need to stop and listen again. Push
the idea that you can agree to and still get along, avoiding the
disagreement and moving onto something more constructive and
desirable.
Coping with “ The Diverter”
Anyone constantly trying to divert your attention from the subject at

hand to what everyone else does, etc. is called a “diverter.” It could
be a person in your company who usually says something along the
lines of, “In my previous company we used to do this differently,” or,
“With our previous manager, we never…” It can also be a teenager
who wants to go to a party and when you don’t allow it you hear
something like, “But Jack’s parents allow him to go!!” The solution
here is simple. You need to remember this simple script: “The
subject here is not XYZ; the subject is…”
So for example, you might say: “The subject here is not what you did
in your previous company; the subject is how we are going to deal
with this project…” or, “We are not talking about Jack’s parents and
their parenting methods; we are talking about how far away that
party is from our home and your big exam tomorrow.” Of course,
these people might also say different things like, “We could do that
project better if only we had more people/more funds etc.,” but it’s
essentially the same meaning. Again, you need to use “the subject is
not” technique. So, in this instance you might reply, “I agree wi th
that, but the subject is not what we could do with more funds we
don’t have right now. We are discussing what we can do in our
actual position.” Very simple, yet effective.

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Coping with “ The Steamroller ( or Tank) ”
Also called “hostile aggressive” by psychologists, steamrollers are

people who try to run over you to get what they want. They try to
overwhelm, bully and intimidate other people, often throwing in
cutting remarks. They are mean and rude to you, intentionally and
directly, verbally offending you and sometimes even threatening you,
which sets them apart from “exploders”. It’s another type of person
you shouldn’t hang around with, but if you can’t avoid it, here are
some tips that will help you deal with this most difficult type of
person. First of all, you need to remember that what these people
are trying to do is to make you angry and lift your emotions to their
level. You can’t let them do it. You need to keep eye contact, stay
calm and assertive. A good idea is to let them go and go at the
beginning, allowing them to unwind. When they grow a little bit tired
of attacking you, it’s time to interrupt them. Imagine a boxer who is
used to receiving lots of punches in his chest and stomach, just to
make his opponent exhausted and then—bang—KO! Let the
steamroller wear themselves out a little bit and then call them on
their behavior. “Michael, wait a minute. I’ve been listening to you and
now it’s time for you to listen to what I have to say.” Once you say
something like this, they will probably…interrupt. You need to remain
assertive and interrupt back. “Hey, I said hold on. I’ve been listening
to what you have to say and and now it’s my turn.”
A very important thing is to determine whether this person normally
acts like that or if they’re just now becoming extremely upset about
something very stressful to them and want you to listen. If it’s not
their normal behavior, you should sometimes just listen and open
yourself to a constructive dialogue. You need to also ask yourself
whether there was a particular event that might have triggered their
aggressive behavior. Usually you are not responsible for the actions
and frustrations of steamrollers, even though they believe so, and
you don’t have to tolerate their rude behavior. When you can afford
it, sometimes a good idea is to just ignore them without engaging
and walk away, but if you can’t, you need to turn conflict into
communication. Again, here’s how you do it:

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- Give them enough time to run down.

- Grab their attention. You don’t have to be overly polite or mean.
Instead, be assertive and abrupt. Speak up loud enough, from your
diaphragm. Call them by using their first name, if possible and
appropriate. Hold your head up so that your chin is pointed upwards.
Straighten yourself up, hold your arms back and your chest up.
Maintain eye contact.
- Try to get them to sit down. If you are seated when they get into the
room, stand up to be on their level.
- State your opinion boldly, but not aggressively like they do. Use the
facts.
- Avoid engaging, arguing or trying to get them down. Just express
your opinion and do everything you can to end the conversation as
soon as possible.
Coping with “ The Complainer”
Positive- minded people see the world this way: It’s not
very sunny today. At least I won’t get sunburn again and won’t have
to use air conditioning. I guess I will stay home and read a great
book!
Negative- minded people see the world this way: The
weather sucks. It’s cold, cloudy and I feel sleepy.
The Complainers see world this way: Oh no! The weather is

horrible again! I wanted to take a walk, but now I’ll end up cold and
wet and I’ll catch the flu for the fourth time this year. I will have to
spend a few days in bed and it’s boring! I will also have to spend lots
of my hard-earned money to buy medication and maybe visit the
doctor! This summer sucks! How the hell am I supposed to enjoy it?
It’s so dark I can’t even read without feeling sleepy. There’s nothing

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interesting to do around here! And Bob just left town to visit his
family and…
This type of person will always find a good reason to complain and
will find a defect in everything. They will often want to make you
believe it’s your fault. By putting you on the defensive, they shift the
responsibility for their own actions and emotions upon you. Here’s
how to deal with their endless whining and dragging everyone else’s
emotions down.
First of all, you need to realize what things don’t work with
complainers:
· Offering a solution/giving your advice or addressing their
problem directly – they will usually start whining about your
solution, the action they have to take, your attitude or about
anything else on this planet.
· Trying to cheer them up or telling them to get it together –
supposing their problem is trivial one way or another (even if it
really is!) is highly ineffective.
· Complaining or criticizing their whining – see bullet point
number one.
· Ignoring them – it will just cause the complaints to
accumulate and then explode at you at once when you
eventually meet them again.
Here’s what works:

1. Instead of rolling your eyes or ignoring them, let them
know you’re listening and seeing their problem.
Something as simple as, “Yeah, traffic jams can be
really intense and annoying sometimes!” can prove very
helpful both for you and them.
2. Complainers don’t want to be cheered up. They want
your attention and your empathy. Remember to be
sincere when you say these things. If you’re sarcastic or
making fun out of it, the effect will be opposite.
3. Remembering that everyone sees this world through
different mental filters, you don’t have to agree that their

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problems are big, but remember that something

seemingly small to you might indeed be a big problem
to someone else, depending on their life situation,
previous experiences, values brought from home, etc.
So you don’t want to state that their problem isn’t a
problem or that it’s enormous. Simply acknowledge that
there’s a problem they are struggling with (even if you
think there isn’t one or that it wouldn’t be a problem for
you). You need to let them know that you understand
and acknowledge what they have said, but you
shouldn’t actively agree with them. It would just make
them feel justified and sometimes shift the responsibility
for their emotions to you.
4. Listening and acknowledging their problem might not
be a perfect fix to stop their complaints once and for all,
but it surely slow things down, prevents the negative
energy from accumulating and gives both you and them
some initial relief.
5. You need to be ready to interrupt them. Listen,
understand their concern and then stop their utterance
in a civil, polite, but confident manner.
6. If there’s a need, provide them with facts. State them
without any comments, apologies or additional remarks.
7. If it’s a workplace or a professional situation, you
need to come up with practical questions and then
proceed to problem solving. Complainers very often put
their focus and attention on the past, but if you assign
them a specific task they could do, it can often help.
You can say something along the lines of, “Yes, these
young guys from the marketing department can often
get extremely annoying. I know exactly what you mean,
but I hope you can endure it, soldier, because we totally
have to have this project completed before five!”
8. Finish the utterance as soon as possible, politely
letting them know that you have to get back to your
things.

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9. Remember that even everyday complainers

sometimes come across things that are very hard to
cope with, so if you think someone might struggle with
something and their complaints are legitimate, you can
show your empathy, followed by brief and targeted
advice. In this case, it will probably be appreciated.
How to Stay on Track
Do you know the feeling when someone throws a cog into the
wheels of your conversation, presentation or idea? When we’re not
trained in the art of effective communication, it’s very easy to put us
off, disarm our arguments or discourage us verbally from doing
something. You need to be persistent in your message to achieve
what you want. You need to show that you are not just another
scared newbie, but a polished and effective communicator.
The ideas I will tell you about will instantly boost your self-confidence
in situations where you are making a request for something,
presenting your ideas or sharing your opinion in team projects. We
let other people twist us in different directions just because we lack
the tools to block their evasive answers. “The tools” really come
down to three very simple and effective phrases, which you can use
when something is trying to get you off track. The three universal
skeleton-key phrases are:
- That may be, but…
- I understand, however…
- I see your point and…
You need to use them in front of your reply and then repeat the exact
same words you said previously. Let’s say that you are brainstorming
the direction of your business with your partners and want to change
your product’s graphic design as you are certain that a change is
needed at this point. You say, “Listen guys, we need to change our

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website because it’s not easy to use for our customers. It looks like it
stayed in the 90’s, loads slowly and shouts, ‘DON’T BUY OUR
PRODUCTS’ directly in our customers’ faces,” to which one of your
colleagues rolls his eyes and responds, “But we just changed it five
years ago!” Then you need to respond, “I see your point, but we
need to change our website because it’s not easy to use for our
customers.” And he says, “Oh, you are being so very innovative
these days, aren’t you?” You say, “That may be, but we need to
change our website because it’s not easy to use for our customers.”
And then he says: “You know we’ll have to pay someone to do this?”
And you, keeping your calm, collected and professional attitude use
the phrase again: “I understand, however we need to change our
website because it’s not easy to use for our customers.” This broken
record technique, along with these three skeleton-key phrases used
in a row send a clear message: “Don’t do that, man. I know what I
want to achieve and it won’t be so easy to put me off. I’m an effective
communicator, not another scared little kid who’s easy to distract.”
Again, take note that I won’t advise using it with people who are
above you in the hierarchy. Your boss is an example (of course it
depends on the person and context, but you may want to balance
pros and cons of doing it first), although it’s extremely useful with
people from the same level of the social ladder, having similar power
and influence as you or people who don’t have any power over you
and are just trying to distract you from your goal for some reason .
Keep in mind that these strategies are no magic bullets. Yes, they
can be extremely helpful, but since everyone is different, you need to
view them more as a general rule of thumb. You need to learn these
strategies and practice them until you feel comfortable using them in
everyday situations. You can use them to cope with many difficult
personalities in your life and gain more self-control, as well as social
control, in many different situations.
The problem of coping with difficult and toxic people is as wide of a
subject as psychology and sociology themselves. I will probably write
another whole book exclusively on this complex topic, where I’m
going to cover all types of difficult people distinguished by modern

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psychology with comprehensive descriptions, strategies and action

steps. For now, the strategies and ideas I gave you on the most
common difficult personality types will surely prove to be a great help
in your everyday communication!
When someone does something mean to you, it’s about them. When
they do it another time, it’s usually about you . Let me clarify:
when people do something annoying over and over and over again,
it’s about you, because you are allowing that. What are you doing to
reward their behavior? There must be something. Look for that and
try to ask yourself how you are rewarding their mean actions. It’s
difficult, but we can always do it when we know where to start. We
begin with ourselves. Changing your behavior is the most effective
thing you can do to better deal with difficult people, as well as all
other kinds of people, for that matter.

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Chapter 9: Phrases to Purge

from Your Dictionary ( and W hat
to Substitute Them W ith)
In both work situations and at home, there are specific “phrases of
highly ineffective communication” in our verbal repertoire which need
to be eliminated completely and substituted with different, wiser and
harmless phrases. Many of them are so popular in our culture that
you might be surprised to find you’re using them on a daily basis. Let
me now tell you about the most detrimental and useless things you
could be saying in casual and professional situations and what to
exchange them for.
Casual Situations/At Home/Relationships:

1. This one is big. I’m sure almost everyone has had the
opportunity to hear it at some point in their lives. Yes, I’m
talking about the infamous, cheesy and cliché “We need to
talk” phrase. First of all, it creates lots of unnecessary tension
even before the beginning of the conversation. Second of all, it
has a very serious connotation in our culture, so instead of
having a more relaxed conversation, you will create a more
stressful and uptight atmosphere. Third of all, it simply sounds
stupid, like a cheap C-class TV soap opera from the 80’s my
Grandma used to watch. “Romeo Alejandro Maria Antonio
Rodriguez, how could you cheat on me with Esmeralda
Rosalia Julia Desgaldo for the fiftieth time this very season!?
We need to talk!” But that’s my personal opinion. Point being,
you really need to completely eliminate this phrase from your
repertoire! What should you say instead? “I need your help.”
People like to help. Did you know that we tend to like people
who we’ve helped before more than those who we haven’t?
That’s actually one of the techniques in social psychology—if

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you want someone to like you more, ask them to help you with
a small task. When you express these feelings, you are
triggering positive emotions in them and they feel needed.
They will also concentrate better on what you are trying to
convey. It’s a great start for a “serious conversation,” which
doesn’t have to be perceived as such, being more relaxed and
productive instead.
2. Another phrase which we often use when someone gets us
off track, says something unexpected or acts out of character
is, “What’s wrong with you?!” It’s a good phrase if you really
want to make someone feel bad, but if you want to solve a
problem or difficult situation instead of annoying or hurting
people, you need to erase it. No one likes to admit that there’s
something wrong with them, so don’t ask, “Are you damaged
in some way?” Instead ask, “What’s bothering you?” Not only
are you showing that you care about that person by saying
this, but you’re also avoiding creating an even more stressful
and neurotic atmosphere. You’re reframing the situation,
pointing to a certain problem this person might have, rather
than to what might be wrong with them as a person. If the
person still acts mean or withdrawn and says, for example,
“Nothing…” while rolling their eyes, depending on the
situation, you could kindly say, for example, “Well, okay.
Remember that if you want to talk with me about something,
my door is always open for you.” Of course, you can use
different words, but you have to show that person that you are
always there to listen to them. Sometimes you might receive a
positive answer, e.g.: “Right… I’m just sleepy and irritated; I’m
sorry for my grumpiness,” or an answer pointing to a certain
problem, “Yeah, always open for me, right! Last time I wanted
to talk you just…” Either way, it gets you closer to the real
problem and the solution.
3. Another crucial thing in our “Hall of Infamy,” is a phrase

which causes bad emotional response on a subconscious,
biochemical level. It is: “You said * something* ,” or “But you
just said…” Anytime you say something like this, you just

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make your interlocutor much more annoyed, irritated and

angry. Remember the last time when someone tried to tell you
that you did or said something you didn’t? How did it feel? You
probably instantly got pissed off or maybe even aggressive,
right? The automatic response in your brain is resistance:
“NOPE! I NEVER SAID THAT!” Even though you are 100%
sure that person said something, it is always much smarter,
classier and more effective to say, “I heard/I understood
* something* . Let me clarify what I just heard before I respond,
alright?” Phrases like these can totally change the result you
get.
4. Let’s now proceed to another cliché and very poor phrase

which is very popular in our culture that we hear far too often.
“It is what it is.” What does it even mean? Nothing. It’s empty,
devoid of any meaning, hard to understand (especially for
children) and a very annoying thing to say. You could just as
well say, “Buttons, haircombs, dumplings, scissors,” “I like
grapes so much,” or, “My pajamas are well starched!” If you
don’t want to leave your interlocutors annoyed, confused and
feeling ignored, you’re better off saying, for instance: “I believe
it’s this way because it needs to be like that on this stage
where we are right now,” or maybe, “I believe all things are the
way they should be at the moment, to make us stronger
and…” Do everything to delete meaningless “It is what it is”
from your conversations, especially when there’s tension or
stress involved. It’s a good thing to read in ancient Stoic
philosophy scriptures, but not suitable for effective everyday
communication.
5. Here’s the last one I’m going to tell you about in this book.
Anytime you say, “That doesn’t make sense,” the message
your speakers will often perceive is, “You don’t make any
sense.” You really want to be more precise, at the same time
avoiding stressful situations. Instead, say: “I don’t
understand…” for example: “I don’t understand what you
mean exactly by saying that…”

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Professional Situations:
Let me now tell you about phrases which are sometimes socially
accepted, but not suitable for polished, savvy and effective
communicators. If you want to be perceived as a professional and
achieve your goals easier and faster, you also need to eliminate
them from your repertoire. Let’s start with the first one:
1. “No problem!” How often do we hear it when someone does

us a favor? In a shop, in the office, during a business meeting,
etc.? While you might be surprised, as the phrase is extremely
common in everyday life in English speaking countries (and
not only), it actually implies that there was a problem attached
to the thing they did (or we did). Since our brains don’t really
understand and can’t perceive negations at subconscious
level and because you don’t want to subconsciously
communicate that there was or could be a problem with you
doing someone a favor, it’s much better to simply say, “You’re
welcome!” instead.
2. Very often, especially when being serviced at shops, we
hear, “Do you want/do you need…?” (e.g.: “Do you want a
bag?”). While you might think now, “I don’t understand. What’s
wrong with saying it?” you have to know that, first of all,
depending on the tone of voice and manner of speaking, “Do
you need…” might be perceived as mean by some customers,
especially when the vendor is repeating it for the fiftieth time
that day or is simply tired. Also, “Do you need” or “Do you
want” sounds a little bit like a hidden remorse sometimes
(stating that there’s a problem with someone wanting
something again). Second of all, customers are often asked
only about their preference, not additional service with the
help of these questions—e.g. if they like sugar in their tea or
coffee—they already paid for it, so it just boils down to their
preference. Instead, it’s more universal and much more
professional to say, “Would you like…?” Not only is it more
kind, but also fits almost every situation possible.

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3. Let’s cover another one. The word is: “Unfair”—NEVER

EVER use it in your working environment. The brutal truth is
“fair” has nothing to do with work environments (and never
has). The same goes for life in general. Whenever you go to
your superior and say, “I don’t believe I was treated fairly,” or,
“I think I was treated unfairly,” what they most likely think is,
“Yeah, life is not fair indeed, sweetie pie.” It’s the best way to
be perceived as a soft and unprofessional person. Instead you
should say, for example, “I don’t believe I was treated equally
in this situation.” No one ever promised work will be fair or life
will be fair, but most people are rather sensitive when it comes
to equal rights and chances. That’s much more polished,
suitable and useful in work situations and is less likely to lead
to a failure.
4. Often, when we want to give our message more power, we
use words like “really” or “very” as we think they will underline
and bold our message, making it stronger or more influential.
Very often it’s the other way around—it’s the elimination of
words like “very” or “really” which makes our messages
stronger and more polished. It’s a very common problem for a
lot of women, as they tend to use these words more often in
their verbal messages. Men do as well, just not as often. If you
want to convey your messages more professionally in the
workplace or in a business situation, stop using these words to
supercharge what you’re saying (they end up vague or poor
sounding instead) and compose simple straightforward
messages instead. What sounds more serious: “It’s really
dangerous!” or simply, “It’s dangerous”?
5. “I can’t deal with…” Never let anybody hear you saying that!
It makes you appear as a helpless, neurotic or maybe even
toxic “victim type” of person acting rather like a sulky teenager
than an adult. It’s ten times better to say instead, “I’m
struggling dealing with…” On the top of that, you should also
add a question for a contribution to this problem. For instance,
let’s say that you’re talking to your manager about your

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annoying colleague and how your team operates: “Listen,

Bob, I’m really struggling to deal with Mark’s frequent
unpredictable behaviors. Do you have some tips or advice for
me on what can I do?” Not only does it show that you are a
problem solver, but also, instead of simply throwing your
issues at other people, you ask them to contribute, which
makes them feel needed and appreciated. It’s a very
professional and effective behavior.
6. Whenever someone is not behaving normally in a
professional situation, you should avoid saying that they act
“strange,” “weird” or “funny.” It can be perceived as a mean
thing to say, even insulting (that’s for sure), but moreover, that
doesn’t sound professional and can make that person start
acting even more extreme. Additionally, it’s just your opinion
you’re giving, which is not always wanted, needed or positively
perceived in many different work situations. Anytime you see
that someone’s behavior is unusual and they are not acting
“normally,” it’s much better to say, “I’m noticing a change from
the regular pattern of so-and-so’s behavior…” or something
much more objective and diplomatic. This way you sound like
a professional, not expressing your subjective opinion, but
simply stating a fact.
7. Another thing on our list is “normal.” The problem with this
adjective is that it’s very difficult to define and relate to. What
does it mean nowadays? What type of business or what job is
normal? What family model is normal? What appearance,
what car, what type of relationship or what kind of career is
normal? In most situations, we can’t objectively say that.
Moreover, it’s polarizing. When you say someone is normal,
the other side of the coin is “not normal,” which could be
offensive to some people. Instead, it’s much safer and smarter
to say “average” or “usual.” It’s almost impossible to receive it
wrong and misinterpret it and it’s much more specific, defined,
and easier to relate to.

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8. Now, the last one, and a little talk about the right attitude on
top of that. In your utterances, you should change
“Because…” to “Because I…” Let’s say that you lost your job
and it’s hard to make a living now. You could say, “Because
my boss fired me, I lost my job and now I am struggling to
make a living and…” or, “Because of the bad economy, I lost
my job and now I’m…” Instead, you should say, “Because I
used to spend too much and failed to save enough money to
make a living before I’m able to find a new job or start a
business…” or,
“Because I stopped developing myself and learning new
things, my boss was able to find people with higher
qualifications than mine who would work for the same
money…” Apart from the fact that you might really hate your
boss and your bad situation might really also be caused by the
bad economy, doing so trains your brain not to shift
responsibility to other people and circumstances
and makes you learn from your own mistakes ,
shortcomings and imperfections instead. Remember:
changing your verbal patterns also changes your mental
patterns. Next time, when someone asks you why you are
late, instead of shifting the responsibility and offering stupid
excuses they are not likely to believe anyway, change the
“Because my car engine stopped…” to “Because I forgot to
take care of my car previously…” Simple and yet difficult. But
definitely a powerful thing to start doing today!

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Chapter 10: Verbal Dexterity

Language is a powerful instrument which gives us a lot of amazing
opportunities. When used properly, it can lead your conversation
wherever you want it to be, leave a great impression or influence
your interlocutors’ decisions.
In this chapter, you will learn about the patterns of linguistic dexterity,
thanks to which you can easily change the way of thinking in most
people. One of the most useful applications of these patterns is the
changing of people' s beliefs.
I want to tell you about so-called “sleight of mouth,” which was
created by Robert Diltsa. He decided to analyze Richard Bandler’s
(the creator of NLP – Neuro-Linguistic Programming) most frequent
patterns in his verbal communication. He picked the ones he found
the most effective and modified them, creating his own system. Now
“The Sleight of Mouth” is used by therapists and coaches all over the
world, mainly as an effective instrument for changing beliefs in a
conversation.
Long story short, it’s a set of fourteen language patterns, which you
can use in practically every single conversation. These patterns are
independent from each other and it’s up to you to decide which will fit
most in a particular situation.
Each pattern, in its own way, helps to extend the perspective and
horizons of a person with whom you are talking and helps them
notice more opportunities. Hereby, with some practice, you can
change your interlocutors’ beliefs quite easily.
It gives you the possibility to help others when they are trapped in
their limited way of seeing the world. Once you learn to use these
patterns, you will have the ability to persuade people, that in addition
to their limited perspective, there are also other, better options.
To make it easy for you to understand, I’m presenting all of the
patterns as interpreted by me and slightly modified, with the example

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of three beliefs. You will now be able to empathize with contexts in

which these techniques are most useful. At the end of this chapter,
you will also find a few beliefs, which you can later work out by
yourself.
Here are three detrimental beliefs, which we will be undermining by

using the patterns :
a) It is difficult to learn languages!
b) NLP is not appropriate for our company.
c) It is hard to make new friends.
1 . Hierarchy of V alues
Connect a belief with some greater value.
a) Imagine the freedom and plethora of new possibilities the ability to
speak foreign languages can give you!
b) Let's focus on how NLP can help you to succeed in the market
and totally crush it in your niche.
c) A little bit of effort put into meeting new people will give you a lot
of happiness and joy.
2. Intention
Change the intention of belief to a positive one.
a) That may also mean that the ability to learn new languages is
very important and it is definitely worthwhile to gain it.
b) That's why it's the perfect opportunity for our company to finally
open up to new ways of development.
c) It seems that this is the great opportunity to work on your own
limits, at the same time getting to know some interesting and fun
people.

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3 . Redefinition of Meaning
Change the meaning of the belief using different words, which cause
a different reaction.
a) The fact that someone had been learning Spanish for so long with
mediocre results does not mean that everyone needs so much time
and effort .
b) It's not about NLP not getting along with the style and direction of
our company. It’s just that NLP must be properly and wisely
implemented in order to bring great benefits.
c) It's not about how hard or easy meeting new people can be. It is
simply worth it to put a little effort and attention into it, so the
relationships we establish can be fulfilling for both sides and long-
lasting.
4 . Conseq uences
Show a consequence which will undermine a belief.
a) Will it be easier for you to never leave your country or to go
everywhere with a dictionary in your hand, mispronouncing the
words constantly, butchering the language and making foreign
stereotypes about our nation even stronger?
b) This approach will hold our employees back from getting the
possibility of quick and effective development… and hence
increased productivity and creativity.
c) The more difficult it is, the more it is worth to get to finally learn
this ability… otherwise you can be alone for the rest of your life.
5 . Chunk Down
The descent to a more detailed level. Find one element of belief
which will undermine it.

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a) The fact that different pronunciation is a problem for someone

does not mean that you will also experience this.
b) I am totally convinced that the techniques of establishing good
contact with clients can be very useful and profitable for us.
c) Exactly which element of meeting new people is specifically
difficult for you?
6 . Chunk U p
Getting on a more general level. Generalize a belief, so you can see
it from a different perspective.
a) Learning a new language always takes some time, but then you
know it forever.
b) By saying this, do you mean to tell me that effective
communication with clients is not appropriate for our company?
c) Remember that relationships with other people give true meaning
and depth to our lives.
7 . Counterexample
Find a concrete example which will undermine a belief.
a) For me, learning how to speak Spanish was extremely easy and
fun.
b) I know this company with a similar profile to ours. They have been
using NLP for a long time now and have had a lot of success.
c) Do you remember how you met John? It was totally natural for you
and you understood each other very well from the very beginning!
8. Analogy
Use an analogy or a metaphor to undermine a belief.

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a) I have a friend, according to whom everything is difficult. He hasn’t

achieved anything in his life yet.
b) I used to think that owning my own business was inappropriate for
me. Now I run a very successful company.
c) In the same way as ants, building an anthill is hard work.
Nevertheless, it is the meaning of their lives and that’s how this
species survived on this planet for hundreds of millions of years!
9 . A Reference to Onesel f
Refer the most important element of a belief and blame the person
holding this belief.
a) …and for me, it is hard to listen to another excuse like the one
you’re giving me.
b) I use NLP on a daily basis… does it mean that I'm inadequate for
our company?
c) It’s really me who it’s hard for, when I have to beat that nonsense
out of your head for another time.
1 0. A Different Result
Find another result of having that belief.
a) It is your life that’s going to be hard if you’re going to depend on
other people all the time or act like a stereotypical dumb tourist
abroad.
b) It is inappropriate to endanger our company by using outdated
techniques which hardly work at all.
c) Your life will be hard when you find that you have nobody to turn
to.
1 1 . Change of Frame
Evaluate a belief by putting it in a different context.

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a) If learning languages was so difficult, there wouldn’t be so many

people speaking five or six different languages fluently, all language
schools would be out of business and people would probably stop
traveling anywhere on their own.
b) We should think how using NLP techniques in our company can
change our course and raise our sales in a five-year perspective.
c) If what you said was true, everyone would be lonely and humans
would have been extinct a long time ago.
1 2. Meta Frame
Formulate a belief about a belief .
a) I understand that you must know a lot about the learning process
of many different languages of the world then?
b) Could it maybe be that NLP is not appropriate specifically for you,
just because no one showed you how to apply it effectively?
c) So I assume that means you tried to meet all the people in the
world already?
1 3 . Model of the W orld

See a belief looking from a different perspective, from a point of view
of a different model of the world.
a) You’re probably just saying this to justify the fact that you haven’t
taken any action to learn a foreign language.
b) According to many famous and successful people, NLP is one of
the best things that’s ever happened to them.
c) The fact that this is such a big challenge makes it even more
interesting and tempting.
1 4 . Strategies of Reality

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Make your interlocutor aware of the fact that a single belief may
mean many various things, depending on a point of view.
a) What exactly do you mean by “hard”?
b) What exactly did you want to tell me by saying that "NLP is not
appropriate"?
c) What does "hard" mean to you?
Now, when you are familiar with every pattern, you can start using it
every time you talk to someone. The most important thing is to
consciously pay attention to what the other person says. Listen
carefully to everything they have to tell you and depending on a
situation, use an appropriate language pattern. Some of these
patterns and examples might be too cocky in some instances,
whereas some of them might be too weak to pierce through
someone’s mind-shell. Sometimes you would have to be rather
subtle (e.g. when talking to your teacher or professor), sometimes
you would need to roll out the heaviest artillery to change the way
someone thinks (I sometimes had to use several patterns to finally
succeed in explaining something to someone). Deciding which of
these patterns you should use is up to you, as every single case may
be totally different and you have to take different circumstances into
account.
You should especially pay attention to beliefs hidden in verbal
messages, which say that someone is not able to do something,
something is difficult or too hard, something is impossible, etc.
To have the ability of using these patterns more fluently, you should
practice a lot. That' s why it' s best to choose two patterns per day and
practice only those two. After some time, you should have really
improved the ability to sense the context. That’s when matching a
pattern into a situation will come naturally. Your intuition itself will be
giving you relevant things to say.
These patterns can be used practically everywhere: in negotiations,
in a conversation with a client, in conversations with your partner,

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dispelling doubts in other people, motivating your loved ones,

helping people to solve their problems. There are as many
applications as topics of conversation.
Each day, select one or two patterns and practice. Pay attention to
what happens when you use each of these patterns in a particular
context.
Below, you can find another four beliefs, which can be broken down
using verbal dexterity. Try to work them out by yourself:
- I can’t start my own business because it's risky.
- Relationships usually end in suffering.
- Long walks are boring.
- Only lucky people succeed in life.
Start now !
Chapter 11: The Subtle Art of

Giving Feedback
How can you effectively and politely tell people about their mistakes
and shortcomings so that they start to work on themselves instead of
getting bitter and demotivated? Feedback is an opinion which you
give to the other person to let them know what to improve in their
behavior or when performing a particular task.
Q uite often, when we want to tell someone what they could improve
or focus on, we get the effect opposite of the one desired—usually
that person gets even more depressed (or pissed off) and does not
think about taking our advice at all. How should we give feedback
properly, so that the receiver can feel good and get a lot of
motivation to improve their performance?

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Imagine this situation: your friend is going to perform before a group

of people and do a presentation on a certain topic. He stands in front
of everyone and begins to talk. You sit in the audience watching his
speech, writing down the things he does wrong and all the aspects
he could improve upon. His speech is not good—he’s holding his
hands in his pockets, he is not looking at his audience and he is
talking too quickly. He ends the presentation and goes straight to you
asking, " How was it?" You want him to perform much better next
time, so you tell him what was wrong. " Well, you spoke a little too
quickly, your gestures were chaotic and you closely examined all the
walls in the room while you should have been looking at the group."
What is the outcome of such feedback? By commenting on his
performance this way, you only focus on his mistakes and
provide him with negative emotional content. Your friend,
getting a negative emotion, starts feeling bad and will probably not
listen to your advice. He might even get depressed and be much
more afraid or stressed out next time. On the other hand, you might
be wondering why he behaves this way—after all, you are his friend
and want the best for him.
So how do we go about giving feedback? Firstly, you need to be
aware of the fact that if you want someone to learn
something, this person must be in a positive emotional
state. Motivation is a positive emotion. Even if you’re motivated by
bad things and prefer the so-called “negative motivation”, the idea of
motivation itself is still positive. If you only tell someone about their
shortcomings and provide them with negative emotions, in most
cases you will only demotivate them. People are not able to learn
effectively when they feel bad. The key here is to associate the
feedback containing information about what should be done
differently with positive emotions.
Sandwich Feedback

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Sandwich feedback is a model of giving feedback, which allows us to

motivate people instead of giving those negative feelings. If you have
ever watched the TV show Shark Tank, this is how (usually,
sometimes it gets brutal) “the Sharks” give feedback to people
before or after rejecting their deals. This model consists of three
stages:
1 . A positive emotion. At the beginning of giving feedback,

you must show the person you give it to that they did well. You
can say, " This is what should have been done, congrats" ;
" Good job, you did great!" ; " A great performance" . If this
person’s performance was obviously poor, then of course you
will not say, " Wow! What a revelation!" , because they will
simply think you are making fun of them. In that case, you can
just say: " Good job, congrats on your first try!"
After the initial approval, tell them about two or
three things that they’ve done well. Provide specific
examples! You can say, " You really knew the topic well!” Or,
" It’s great that you spoke loud enough!” Appreciate their effort.
It is about making them feel great at the start. Joy and
relaxation are states conducive for learning and motivation.
2. W hat to improve? On the second stage, you tell them all
those things they did wrong, but in a positive overtone. So,
you do not say what they did wrong but what can they do
better. You do not say: " You were talking too fast!" , but
rather, " You could have spoken a little bit more slowly; the
audience would have understood you much better then."
Instead of, " You were ill-mannered," you should say, " You
could have been a little more polite," and so on. Additionally,
you can already give that person the solution for their
particular problem.
For example, if a friend of yours has problems with
establishing contacts with new people and he has just spoken
to someone, you can tell him exactly what to do. " Listen, man,
what you really need to do in order to get along with people
better is to put a smile on your face from time to time. You

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need more openness—look them in the eyes more often and

listen carefully to what they have to say.” Just a short
comment about what the person has to do better may not be
enough. If you have adequate knowledge, it is worth it to
immediately say exactly what that person should do to solve
the problem, so next time this error won’t occur.
3 . Positive emotion. You end the conversation by evoking
joy and relaxation again. You could say, " Well, like I said
though, generally, you did great!" At the end, you need a little
praise again.
Based on the example I gave you earlier, how would the situation
from the beginning of the chapter look? Using a sandwich feedback,
this is what you could say to your friend who just performed his first
public speech: " Not bad, it was a really nice presentation. I liked how
you told this joke; everyone liked it. I see that you have a lot of
knowledge on this topic. Among some things you could have done
better is certainly your speaking rate—I would advise you to speak
more slowly. Before you start speaking, take a few deep breaths, it
will relax you and enable you to slow down a little bit. Also,
remember to look people in the eyes. They will be able to feel that
you’re talking directly to them. Additionally, you could work on hand
gestures a little bit. Recently I read a great book about body
language. I will bring it to you tomorrow. In general, though, this was
a great performance. Congratulations!"
How do you think this message would be received by your friend?
What would be his attitude after he hears these words? Would he be
depressed or would he more likely say, " Wow, cool! I will try to
improve these things! Thanks!" Another way of communication with
a completely different effect.
It may not be the reflection of the harshest truth, but instead, you g
ive people a wonderful gift in the form of constructive feedback, as
well as a lot of motivation so they can start applying the advice
immediately and hence, the opportunity to become better in what
they do. As a result, instead of depression and the absence of desire
for development, you will see a wild desire for improvement.

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The so-called “sandwich feedback” can be used in many different

contexts. If you are a student, you can use it to motivate and teach
your friends who have problems with their upcoming exams. You can
advise people how to give better public speeches or perform better
at concerts. If you are a parent, you can use it to motivate your
children without making them feel bad and overly pressured. It can
bring excellent educational effects when used properly on kids. As a
teacher, you can use sandwich feedback to motivate your students.
As a CEO or a manager, you can tell your employees what they
need to improve without upsetting and annoying them, so you don’t
feel hostility in your own office. As a son, daughter, brother or sister,
you can help your family and friends in many different ways. Now,
think about real life situations in which you can use this knowledge
and apply it as soon as possible!
What’s also worth mentioning in the context of giving feedback is
delivering difficult messages, when all we want to do is ask people to
change their behavior. Often when we want to tell people something
important, we take for granted that they know more than they do or
that they know what we are thinking or how we are feeling. For
example, “This worker’s position in this company is solid,” or that,
“Our relationship is great.” However, the other party may not know
that. Has your boss ever asked you to talk for a moment and you
knew they wanted to tell you something important, so your self-talk
started getting louder and louder? “What’s wrong? What does he
want to tell me? Am I getting fired?” Then, after five minutes, the
boss told you that you shouldn’t leave the office half an hour earlier
and you should do something else instead to finish out your day.
You say to yourself, “Ooooh! Am I not fired? What a relief… Ok…
Wait… What did he say?”
If you want people to really listen to you and you want to avoid
causing negative emotions that may lead to unnecessary behaviors
or feelings, it’s crucial to address at the beginning of the
conversation whatever fear they might be having. So, for example,
when speaking to your employee you could say, “Bob, you know that
you are a great employee and that you have a great future with us;
however, I just wanted to ask you to…” Or, for instance: “Honey, you

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know I love you and I see my entire future with you, but I would really
appreciate it if you could please stop…” This way you are slowing
down their self-talk and calming their emotions. Do this whenever
you think someone might have even the slightest doubts about your
relationship with them or about some kind of situation that may end,
etc. It will save you lot of time and energy. It’s also a very classy
thing to do .
Another great thing you can do when you want to start a difficult
conversation with someone and to make people drop their guard a
little bit is to ask them to help you with a task. For example, if you
want to talk about something rather difficult with your kids, you could
ask them to help you prepare a salad or some other dish or maybe
pay them to help you paint the fence to make them focus on the
work even more. That way you are lowering their defense, making
them listen more carefully and intuitively as they’re focused on a
particular task. It’s much easier to start the conversation without
creating unnecessary tension. You should also remove as many
distractions like smartphones, computer, TV, etc. as possible. You
can also use it at work, asking your employee or co-worker to help
you with organizing files, moving boxes, etc. It’s a much better idea
than just saying, “Hey, Daniel, see me in my office in five minutes.”
Try it and you will be surprised how effective it can be.
Last thing I want to tell you in this chapter is how to deal well with
negative feedback and criticism. When somebody is criticizing your
work and giving you negative feedback, you need to remember that
what you are doing physically also affects what is going on mentally.
When people criticize us, we often tend to close down our body
language. At the same time, the ability to receive negative feedback
is something very valuable and useful in life and appreciated in many
companies.
The first thing you need to do is to raise your head, straighten your
spine, put your shoulders back and open your chest. You need to
physically be open to receive that message, which will help you
receive the criticism mentally. It’s not easy, but very necessary and
helpful, a skill you can and you should learn. The very next thing you

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should do is to relate to the negative feedback. Let’s say your boss

told you, “Your work report is too short and I don’t like the way you
worded it. I can’t accept it in its current form.” You could say, “OK, so
the problem is that it’s too short and my wording should be better…”
Here you need to repeat the criticism back to the person. At the end,
you need to ask a solution oriented question. For example, you could
ask, “If I write an extra two thousand words and rephrase it, will you
be able to accept it?” You could also try a different approach and
ask, “Alright, if I could show you evidence to support my belief that
my work report is long enough and straight to the point, that it
doesn’t require much time for our employees to read and the
language I used will be easy for them to understand, would you be
then willing to accept it?” So, let’s recap: you need to open your body
language, then make sure you understood what was said correctly
an d finally, specify the steps to resolve the problem. If you train
yourself in doing so, you will be perceived as a much more effective,
experienced and professional communicator.

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Chapter 12: How to Become a

Master of the Sharp Retort
Everyone knows the feeling of finding only emptiness in your head at
the exact moment a retort that’s sharp like a razor, perfectly matched
to the context, is what you need most. It’s one of those things you
don’t want to happen often, yet it keeps coming back during the most
unexpected situations. Wouldn’t it be great to always have smart,
sharp and funny retorts at hand, everywhere and anytime you want
them?
It' s high time to master the art of responding with witty retorts to any
unpleasant comments and annoying remarks aimed at you. Below,
you will find 1 0 ways to train a sharp tongue that will surprise
your friends, parents, colleagues from work, strangers on the street
and even your dog.
You probably know the annoying feeling when you keep coming
back to a past situation, imagining what you could have said and
how the annoying person would look if you had this or that great
response in your mind back then. These are usually the moments
when you’ve already managed to calm yourself down and have had
a while to rethink things. That’s when suddenly, the best retorts come
to mind, but “If I only said that!” doesn’t change anything as it’s
already too late.
To annihilate this problem, you need to learn things that will fill your
head with hundreds of retorts for any given occasion.
The art of the retort is very subtle. Not only is it about

knowing what to say in a particular moment, but it also needs to be
done and said in the right way. It is not enough to know only the
techniques that can help you find a great retort, but a foundation, the
right approach to what other people say.

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A mix of all these elements creates a special skill that allows you to
have your guard up all the time without any effort from your side.
Granted, I won’t give you any prewritten texts or so-called “canned
material” here. Learning someone else’s retorts by heart would be
the best recipe for making you as close to sharp retorts as politicians
are to telling the truth. Believe me, such an approach would make
you miss that perfect moment to shoot your verbal bullet as each
single time you would wonder, “Which response should I use?” for
too long.
Instead of that, in this chapter I will tell you about spontaneity—the
key to make your answers natural, different and unique each single
time. So if you are ready and want to become a master of the witty
retort, get to know each of the points below and start to work!
1 . First and foremost — distance yourself from your

own flaws and what other people say about you and
simply chill out! Even if these are unpleasant comments
concerning your weak points, people often do this out of fear or
because they do not feel secure in your company. Some people do it
to raise their own status when they feel inferior. If you took
everything other people say personally, you would constantly go into
negative emotional states, which block your creativity and skill of
choosing perfect words.
When you distance yourself, you do not care what other people say
and you are able to quickly and coherently respond to someone
else' s words. Remember, whatever people say, they are only
words ! For the most part, people do not mean what they say and
do it only for the purposes listed above. Accept this fact as well as
your flaws and no one will be able to make you feel unpleasant
emotions without your permission.
2. Instead of taking things personally, you need

relaxation, calmness and peace — that’s the only state
of mind where sharp retorts come naturally. Moreover, the

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mere act of responding to someone in a nervous way disqualifies

your retort and does not allow it to get on the podium. Imagine a
stressful person, who stuttering and sweating tries to stammer a droll
retort! It would not pass and the end result would be ridiculing the
poor guy. Say what you have to say with relaxation and peace and
certainly it will sound as it should.
3 . Look serious while giving a retort. Do not laugh while

speaking. When you’re serious, it increases the effect and makes
everyone around even more amused. Note that jokes told in a
serious tone are usually funnier than those told by a laughing
person. Do some acting and throw your retort suddenly, with a
deadly seriousness. Of course, this rule has its exceptions, as you
will read in following paragraphs.
4 . A good retort usually goes outside the box in which a

message preceding the retort is set. It is supposed to be something
surprising, something the other person will not be expecting. Many
times you have probably witnessed an explosion of laughter right
after someone aptly replied with a good retort. Such volleys of
laughter mostly appear after something totally unexpected.
5 . Relate to the most popular current topic or trend. All

you need in order to do this is the most basic knowledge about
events occurring in the world and in our country. There is no
shortage of scandals and strange or funny events in our homeland,
so you can always tell a retort connected with a situation in which
one of the politicians or celebrities offended someone after they felt
dishonored, etc. There are many options if you watch the news at
least sometimes (I wouldn’t really recommend watching mainstream
news too often!) or you sometimes follow these things online, then
it’s easy to refer to what’s currently on most people’s minds as soon
as the opportunity arises.
6 . U se reframing. It is one of the best NLP techniques and

comes down to seeing the same thing from a completely new

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perspective. There are two types of reframing: content and context

reframing. In content reframing, if you want to find a good answer,
you need to ask yourself the question: " What different, positive
meaning could this particular situation have?" In context reframing,
you need to answer this question: " In what other context would this
situation would seem positive?"
7 . " This is my favorite story!" Sometimes you meet people

who talk too much—they start talking about what you did wrong or
how you should behave and you cannot see the end of their
criticism. At this point you can interject their monologue, preferably at
the very beginning of it: " Oh yes, I love this story!" This strategy
requires you to say it with a smile and joy in your eyes, as if you
really enjoy what you are going to hear. It will knock your critic off
guard. It is very useful when you are in a bigger group (at least a few
people), because then you can turn to others by saying, " Listen to
this carefully; it is really great!" It often applies lots of pressure on
your critics and gets them off track.
8. " Speaking of shoelaces..." If your interlocutor started talking

about something you don’t want to mention or discuss, you can
suddenly and surprisingly change the subject to something entirely
different. Change it to one that has something to do with the issue
this person wanted to bring up, however, lead the conversation in a
completely different direction. Imagine that someone says to you,
" Your shoes do not fit the trousers you are wearing," and you say,
" Speaking about shoelaces, have you heard of the world’s longest
shoelace, according to the Guinness Records book?" Or less neutral:
" Speaking of shoes, do you think that if I lubricated your bald head
with a black shoe polish, it would shine bright like a diamond?"
9 . Amuse yourself and others. Remember to use clever retorts

in order to lower the tension, to make yourself and others laugh or
simply to improve the atmosphere. It is not worth doing it in an
impolite or rude manner as it will just generate unnecessary conflicts
which can then escalate into something worse. Whenever there is

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risk that your words will ignite an argument, then the best retort is
usually just silence or ignoring the other person. The real master of
the sharp retort is a person who knows when to stop the discussion,
even with the retort of the year (or even of the century) on their
minds. I know that sometimes it' s hard to stop yourself when
something funny and accurate wants to escape your lips, but believe
me—there are moments when it is better to swallow some words
and keep them for a better occasion.
Try to use this ability only when you know that the other person will
take it with a smile or at least with a positive attitude. Enjoy it,
entertain others with it, unleash your creativity and surprise everyone
around you, but use it for a good cause.
1 0. Take away these “magic bullets”: At the beginning of

this chapter, I told you I won’t be giving you any ready retorts and
“canned material”, but this will serve as a good exception. With these
phrases, you can respond to anything anybody ever tells you when
buying yourself time to think and regain composure.
The phrases always start with, “That’s interesting,” and they are:
“That’s interesting. Why would you say that?”
“That’s interesting. Why would you do that?”
“That’s interesting. Tell me more.”
“That’s interesting. Why would you ask that?”
There’s nothing that you can’t respond to using these phrases.
Moreover, they also get people off track and make them realize how
stupid, futile or vain the things they tell you are. Also, they
sometimes have the power to make your interlocutors start thinking
very deeply about their real motives and the intentions behind what
they told you and what they threw at you. They simply surrender or
suddenly change their attitude to a much nicer one. They sometimes
work as a “wake up call.”

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1 1 . Practice with yourself. Your internal dialogue, constantly

commenting on the surrounding reality, can be very useful. Just sit
for a few minutes in a quiet and peaceful place and start talking with
your own mind. It can be done out loud, but if you do not want your
family to take you to a psychiatric ward, you’d better choose to
practice only in your mind. You will need two inner voices: one
should be your friend’s, and the other your own.
The exercise is very simple—you need to imagine this person saying
unpleasant, mean or insulting things to you. Then you think of some
good, relevant, creative retort. Of course, in the beginning, coming
up with such retorts can take a few minutes or longer, but having
dialogues with your own mind shouldn’t be so strange, since almost
everyone on this planet is doing it on a daily basis. No matter how
much time it takes you at first, you will become better with practice.
Once you come up with a juicy retort, let your inner voice tell you
something unpleasant again. You' ll see that in a short time, good
answers will appear faster and faster. Practice it as often as possible
!
Once you master the above points, you will become a conjurer who
juggles with words. Retorts as sharp as a Japanese katana blade will
be flowing out from your mouth just when the situation requires it.
Work on improving your ability to find relevant answers and you will
see that in some time it will be completely natural for you. Have fun
and good luck!

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Chapter 13: How to Have

Unique and Memorable
Conversations
How often do you have conversations which you can describe as
fascinating or witty? Do you frequently talk with other people in a
way which feeds your soul, makes your mind tingle pleasantly and
leaves you fully content? Even a usual chit-chat can be a memorable
experience.
In this chapter I will show you ways of taking your communication
skills to a more advanced level. Thanks to these cool tricks, you will
be able to make every conversation unique, whether it will be an
informal conversation, a negotiation or business conversations.
Some time ago I went to this interesting seminar about emotional
intelligence . During one of the lunch breaks, I had a brief
conversation with another participant of the training. The guy was
several years older than me. I had no opportunity to get to know him
better until then and frankly, I expected this conversation to be
typical and a little bit like boring small talk.
You rarely can be SO wrong. At the very beginning of exchanging
our opinions, it struck me that it clearly wouldn’t be another usual
obvious small talk between two strangers. Everything we discussed
somehow concerned the most important things to me back in the day
and I was challenged to think very differently and look at the whole
thing from an entirely new perspective. More than once I had to take
a moment to reflect on my response to be able to reach an important
and meaningful conclusion. The solid workout for my mind,
intertwined with frequent explosions of laughter, made this
conversation stay in my memory for a very long time.
Since that day I would often wonder why some conversations are
just usual chit-chat fluff-type time fillers, while others can be a

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unique, almost spiritual experience. By doing a conscious

observation while carefully listening to conversations of others and
testing of various different concepts, I came to a sudden realization
that how a particular conversation goes depends vastly on myself.
I can give it a tone, change its direction, fascinate an interlocutor or
invite them to answer interesting, challenging and tricky questions. I
can do a whole bunch of things, becoming a source of fascinating
conversation. And the most interesting aspect is that it does not only
apply to chats with friends—imagine how powerful and useful it can
be in business or in negotiations!
In this chapter I will show you the eleven most useful ideas to
make a conversation uniq ue. They are all briefly described
below, with examples and links to wider sources of knowledge on a
particular subject. Learn, test and check the effects!
1. Use the Matrix of Entry
By a good conversation starter, you can define the way

in which it will be received. If you start with, " Dude, yesterday
something absolutely amazing happened to me," then the entire
content of what you say will be received by the listener as something
extraordinary. If instead of this you say, " Man, yesterday something
extremely instructive happened to me," then the same content would
be received as more instructive than incredible.
How can you benefit from knowing about this? Say to someone, " I
have a really cool proposition for you!" or, " Focus, because what I tell
you in a moment will really give you food for thought." There are a
whole bunch of opportunities! Remember, a matrix of entry is
something you always use in the beginning of a conversation or
whenever the subject of the conversation changes or is just about to
change. Thanks to this simple fix, you always have the certainty that
your message will be received the way you defined it. You simply put
it in a good frame.

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2. Tell Stories and Use Metaphors
Not only are analogies a great tool in psycho-therapies, they also

prove very useful in everyday conversations. An accurate story or
metaphor is like a skeleton key to the mind of the other person. It will
be enough if you think about what situation from your life is similar to
the event which you and your interlocutor were just talking about .
Then you just say, " It reminds me of a similar story..." or " It is just as
if it..." and you continue. It should usually fascinate your interlocutors
and stimulate their imagination.
3. Discover Your Interlocutor’s Beliefs and Values
Find out what is important to this person and what they think about
the world around them. It can be easily observed during the first
several minutes of talking, especially on more serious life-related
topics. For example, the other person may start to express their
opinions, beliefs, life philosophy and their view on crucial things like
relationships, health, money, career, education, religion, politics
(although that’s a topic you should really avoid in your
conversations), family, sports, et cetera. On the foundation of this
crucial knowledge you can build a rapport, showing your interlocutor
that you also have a similar view (but this is not an entirely
necessary step, especially when your view is totally different—it
would most probably appear fake). It is enough to simply direct the
conversation to topics that are important to this person. Everyone
likes to talk about the important things in their lives. If
you can change the track of the conversation so you
talk about topics important and interesting both to you
and your interlocutor, you hit the bullseye. It’s usually
possible, even if the person you’re talking with lives by different
values, on a different level of the social ladder, is much younger or
older, etc. By showing interest in these topics, you will surely cause

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this person to involve themselves in the conversation and immerse in

it more deeply.
4. Get to Know Your Interlocutor’s Metaprograms
Metaprograms are individual filters of thinking. When you know more

precisely how the person with whom you have a conversation thinks,
you are able to use this knowledge very effectively, to motivate,
for example or strongly inspire them to do something ( or
restrain from something) . You will have a chance to
learn more about this topic in the chapter called
“Metaprograms. ”
5. Enjoy and Use Your Own Voice
Do not let it be monotonous and colorless, because this is the fastest

way to make your interlocutor fall asleep. You need to modulate your
voice and make it engaging. Sometimes speak loudly, then go
quieter. Sometimes slowly, sometimes more rapidly. Use stops,
which evoke the feeling of strong curiosity and mystery. Change your
intonation. You can sometimes (don’t overdo it) imitate voices of
people you are talking about if it’s not offensive or do impressions of
characters from movies and cartoons to make people laugh (unless
you have zero stand-up and acting skills, in which case, hold off until
you train them a little). Keep practicing and listening to your voice
and soon it will be a pure pleasure for everyone to listen to you talk.
Since you can’t actually hear the real sound of your voice, it is a very
good idea to record your monologues from time to time or to join a
Toastmasters club or some other public speaking or acting classes.
There are lots of these activities you can find to join, on sites like
meetup.com and many different places online. Don’t think twice.
These skillsets are very useful in everyday life,

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business and your career and you will also probably meet lots
of great people.
6. Ask Penetrating Questions about the Topic
You can lead entire conversations only by asking good questions

(which, by the way, is a great mind exercise) on which you can learn
much more about the topic and your speaker. When your interlocutor
stops talking, ask them any question regarding the content of their
speech. When they are responding, listen carefully and
actively to what they are saying —they will feel your
involvement (even though you will be silent) and will appreciate it.
People love when someone really listens to them and they love
talking about themselves!
7. Ask Unique Questions
Unique questions distinguish your conversation from the grey crowd,

stimulate your speaker’s imagination and make you think. Some
examples: " If you had a passive fixed income of $ 40,000 provided
every single month, what would you do with your life? Which dreams
would you fulfill?" , " What do you want your life to look like three
years from now?" , " What was the best day of your life?" , " What
makes you laugh the most?" , " If there were no limits, what would you
want to do in five minutes?" and so on. There are infinite amounts of
such questions—it all comes down to your creativity. Sometimes a
single question like that can be enough to build an extremely
interesting conversation.
8. Induce Feelings

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Tap into all kinds of emotions! Make sure that there is laughter, joy,
occasional tension and uncertainty and at other times curiosity,
mystery and fascination in your conversations. You can also use the
so-called “emotional rollercoaster”—tell your interlocutors about
something very cheerful, then about something rather sad in order to
break the emotional state (but don’t overdo it, you don’t want your
interlocutors depressed or crying) and then again about something
very uplifting, relaxing and joyful. Strong emotions engage
people in a conversation and get both sides in the state
of flow —instead of thinking about what to say, you just speak. You
do not simply talk to each other, but have a real conversation where
both sides are fully engaged and present in the moment. You don’t
want to overuse this technique and do it every single time you talk to
a person, but it is especially helpful at the beginning, when you get to
meet someone or want to be remembered.
How do you induce emotions? The best idea is to feel them yourself.
If you want to make the other person feel curious, first feel it yourself,
then start telling them about something with great curiosity. The so-
called mirror neurons [ 8] ensure that they will quickly start feeling
very similar emotions to these you are feeling at the moment [ 9] .
9. Lead Conversations
Are you bored with talking about the same thing for too long? Do you
have a much more interesting idea in your mind? With a little bit of
ingenuity, you can lead conversations in the direction you want them
to go. The only thing you have to do is to " catch"
particular parts of your interlocutor’s speech and start
a new thread on this previous foundation. For example,
when someone talks about how last year they were in the hospital
for two weeks and how awful it was, you can interject with: " One
month ago I was also unlucky enough to visit the hospital for an
extended period of time. I spent almost all that time watching movies

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on my laptop. Have you watched any interesting movies lately?"

When someone is complaining all the time about how bad the
situation in our country is and you don’t feel like listening to it for fifth
time in a row, you can say, " Well, you’re right, our government could
work more efficiently, but that doesn' t change the fact that our
country is extremely beautiful—I went to the mountains recently and
you won' t believe what happened to me..."
Another example: imagine that while negotiating, your interlocutor
pays too much attention to the high price of your product. You could
say: " The price is totally adequate to the premium quality of the
product. We are the best in terms of quality, so please pay attention
to the exotic materials this product is made of..." At the beginning,
such actions can seem difficult to you, but as soon as you get the
general idea, it becomes simple. With a little practice, you can
change the subjects of conversation as often as you like.
10. Finish the Conversation at the Perfect Moment
It is no art to totally drain a topic and finish the conversation when

there is nothing more to say, as it makes you end up in an undesired
emotional state. End when there is still some hunger, curiosity or any
other good emotion. This feeling should remain in your interlocutor’s
memory for some time after you finish your conversation and thus
they will still be thinking about the nice talk you had. Moreover, it will
probably make them come back for more in order to satisfy this
hunger.
11. Build a Good Rapport
Lastly and most importantly, by matching both non-verbal (body

language, voice tone/modulation and breathing) and verbal
(experiences, beliefs, and values) aspects of communication you can
build a unique atmosphere of trust during every conversation. After

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making a good match you can start to lead —causing that

the other person to follow the direction in which you point.
A good rapport will make using each of these methods for having a
unique conversation much simpler. Once you learn how to use all of
the above in your conversations, you will be surprised with the great
results you’ll get. In fact, there is no need to master every single one
of these ideas, just a few that you like the most are enough to raise
the quality of most of your interactions.
Be sure to learn it step- by- step. If you try to learn all of these
ideas at once, it won’t work. Choose one method per day and
practice it during every conversation. Thanks to this, you will develop
new habits of effective communication, which will stay with you for a
long time.

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Chapter 14: Rapport, the Art of

Excellent Communication
Do you want to know the key to effective communication? Would you
like to learn how to establish the subtle thread of understanding with
other people quickly? Thanks to good rapport, you will be able to
create an atmosphere of trust, cooperation and mutual
understanding which will make the people with whom you
communicate familiar, safe and at ease. Knowledge which you will
now acquire will give you the ability to evoke in your interlocutors the
impression that you both " transmit on the same wavelength." The
truth is, we like people who are similar to us, enabling us to
trust them the most.
Think for a moment. Who do you most like to spend your time with?
Do these people have similar views, beliefs and interests who speak
and behave in a similar way to you? Of course, this is not a rule, but
this is who you usually feel the best with.
Not only is the ability to quickly establish such a deep connection
and understanding crucial in interpersonal relations, but also in
business, therapy or sales. In this chapter I will explain to you exactly
what the “rapport” thing is and how to create that bridge to a better
understanding in order to make others feel comfortable with us, to
make them trust us and also open up a little bit more. Thanks to this,
you give them and yourself a chance to create a strong relationship
in a much shorter period of time.
Building the atmosphere of trust and mutual understanding is the
most effective way to quickly establish a solid relationship between
two interlocutors. In this chapter, you will learn the basics of so-called
“mirroring”, as well as what “leading” is.
Since non-verbal communication (mainly body language and our
voice) is a big part of the entire communication process, we can
usually tell if communication between two people occurs

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harmoniously or clumsily and chaotically, even if they speak the

Martian language.
Let me begin with an example:
Imagine a couple sitting at a table .
He sits laid back and relaxed. Seated on the chair, his legs are
extended and straight. Hands in pockets, breathing quietly. Speaks
slowly and softly.
She is much more nervous looking. Sitting hunched, tense muscles
can be seen. Legs bent and crossed. Clenched fists on the table.
She speaks loudly and quickly; you can hear the anger.
How do you think these two people get along? Is there an
understanding and cooperation between them?
Now imagine another pair. Seated at a table, both in the same
position. Their arms are on the table and they' re holding hands. They
look at each other with a similar expression. They both speak in a
very similar way: slowly, clearly and warmly. Do they feel
comfortable? Is there more harmony and trust and less stress
between them?
Considering these two cases, we know that the body language of

these people works unconsciously. It adapts to the relationships that
exist between these two people. NLP says that you can control those
factors consciously. This way you can change your body language
and the tone of your voice to create understanding and establish
meaningful contact with the other person. You can adjust to a
person' s gestures and manner of speaking to gain trust and begin to
create a strong bond. This skill is extremely useful in virtually every
area of life in which you contact other people.
In other words, rapport is a skill of matching body language and tone

of voice with the person you are communicating with. To some extent
it' s about miming your interlocutor' s behavior. Let me remind you that
this is not meant to be a typical imitation though, about which you will
read later. In psychology, such behavior is called “mirroring”. The

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goal is to create harmony and synchronization, through which you

can build an effective and deep understanding.
How to Create Rapport?
Let me now show you the areas in which you can become more like
the person you are talking to. Change your posture so that it is
similar to the attitude of the other person. Here is exactly what you
can adjust:
Body Language
- The general posture. Closed or open, the body curled or spread out
and relaxed. If someone is lying on their back, do the same. Adjust
arms and legs, but also the direction you are facing when sitting, etc.
- Gestures. You do not want to do the exact same

gestures. You should do it differently, but just as energetically or as
quietly. Adjust them elegantly and gracefully and remember that it
has to be very subtle and unnoticed.
- Facial expression. If the person you are talking to is sad, do not

smile all the time. You don' t need to have the same expression,
though—it should just reflect the same set of emotions.
- Eye contact. When someone avoids your eyes and looks at you for
brief moments, do not stare at them. The person will feel better when
you give them some space and reduce your eye contact. Another
very important thing to remember is that we have been programmed
over thousands of years to subconsciously perceive prolonged eye-
contact as a sign of aggression. So remember—eye contact is good,
but too much eye contact is bad. You should never look people in the
eyes for more than seven seconds, non-stop. It’s a typical
communication-newbie mistake, kind of a creepy thing to do, even
though we’ve been conditioned to look people in the eyes in our

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Western culture. Also, remember not to open your eyes too wide (the
same thing, sign of aggression…or psychosis).
V oice
- Speech rate. Imagine a man who always speaks very quickly and
clearly, meeting with a girl who speaks very slowly. Do you think it
will be easy for them to bond?
- Gaps in speech. If your conversation partner makes a clear break

between words or sentences, speak to them in a similar way.
Omitting the pauses would hold back that person from understanding
your message.
- Tone of your voice. Learn how to modulate your voice tone and
start fitting it with the tone of the person you' re speaking with .
Emotions
A very important point. Many people make the mistake of being

happy and smiling when they want to comfort the other person. It
brings a completely opposite effect—your cheerful consolation might
upset the person even more. If you want to comfort them, try to
understand the problem and show your sympathy. Adjust your
emotions and it will make that person feel better. Only after the
creation of a deep rapport can you begin to slowly change your
attitude to a more joyful one and lead the person to a better well-
being.
Breath
The pace and depth of breathing. Matching breathing can sometimes

be a very strong incentive to create a rapid and profound rapport.

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How to see the other person' s breath? Follow their nose, chest or
arms. You will see how quickly and how deeply their breathing is.
W ords
Some people use specific words in their statements such as: just,
exactly, likewise, etc. Using these words from time to time when
talking to them can be very useful.
On a verbal level, you can create rapport by matching:
- Interlocutor’s experiences. In the communication process,

the exchange of experiences plays a huge role and you can use that
to your advantage. When your partner tells you about various events
and experiences in their life, always think how you can relate those
experiences to your own life. It does not have to be exactly the same
experience; sometimes it is sufficient that just one part is a little
similar. If you can find such a situation in your life, share it with the
person. An example in which experiences are not identical may be a
situation where someone tells you how they broke their arm riding a
bike. If you have ever broken a finger playing basketball, it is a great
time to mention it. I often use it when I have an individual coaching
session with someone. When, for example, my client starts telling
me how much he is tormented by his internal dialogues which do not
allow him to fall asleep, I will surely mention that I had a similar
problem some time ago and that I managed to solve it. This way he
knows that I experienced the same and that I can help him.
Matching experiences is a very strong element of the rapport,

because it creates the impression that two people have a similar or
even common past.
- Beliefs and values. When you talk to someone, try noticing

what kind of values this person is guided by. Try to determine what
the most important thing to them is. For example, if health holds the
first place in their value system, you can mention, “Health is

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extremely important indeed, because it enables us to enjoy

everything else we are given in our lives,” etc. Very simple yet
effective. Where else can you use it? Before you go to a work
interview, you can check the interviewer’s profiles on social media. Is
your boss-to-be a religious person? You can mention about how you
traveled around South America and was in awe of people being not
ashamed to show their devotion and how proud of it you were.
Believe me, it works just great (field tested).
Your conversation partner’s beliefs are nested in the deep

structures of the brain and their reflection has an immediate effect on
the physiology of the person with whom you are communicating.
Beliefs are shown when someone’s speech starts from expressions
such as: " I believe that...," " It seems to me that...," " I' m sure...," and
not only because opinions and views on the surrounding reality are
expressed in very different ways. It is important to know what that
person thinks about the topic.
Reaffirming your callers’ maps helps them open up to you, which is

the key to establishing lasting relationships. When you talk with an
acquaintance and you find out that, for example, they believe social
actions like helping children from orphanages is something worth
spending money on, you can show them that you have a similar
belief .
This is, of course, not about agreeing with everyone all the time. An
exchange of totally different beliefs may be a beginning of a great
discussion. Use this tool whenever you’ll find it useful though.
- Characteristic expressions. People often have regularly

repeated words and phrases in their linguistic repertoire. This is
related to the way in which mind encodes information. These
formulations might be, for example: “in fact,” “just,” “exactly” or
“absolutely.”
Catching up on such expressions and using them from time to time
will give your interlocutor’s subconscious a signal that you speak
their language. Just remember not to overdo it —then a conscious

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part of that person’s mind will become aware of it and your

interlocutor might think that you are making fun of them.
- Characteristic words relating to specific senses . While
communicating, we use words and phrases such as, " It is clear to
me," " I feel it," or " It sounds great." All of these expressions have a
similar meaning. However, they represent a different sense. The first
is the sense of sight, the second - feeling, the third - hearing.
When most people speak, they predominantly use one of
them. When at the particular moment they are more visual in their
talking, you will find words like: “clear,” “simple,” “I can see,” “a
perspective.” In the case of a person using more of a sense of
feeling, there may be words like: “I feel,” “hard,” “hold,” “smoothly,”
“touch,” etc.
When it comes to sensory perceptions, there are three main types
you can gather from a person, depending on the way the person
uses language to communicate with others:
· Visual – People whose sensory perception is visual would

tend to use “seeing” phrases such as “my vision is clear,” “I
see what you mean,” “your future is bright,” and words such
as “view,” “imagine,” “color,” “hazy,” “clear,” “foresee,”
“appear,” or “outlook.” They also tend to describe things in
terms of “seeing” such as “small,” “light,” “brown,”
“rectangular,” etc.
· Auditory – People whose sensory perception is auditory
would tend to use “hearing” phrases such as “I hear you,” “she
scratched the floor,” “his voice was sharp,” “I am listening to
you,” and words such as “listen,” “talk,” “discuss,” “ hear,”
“sound,” “call,” etc. They also tend to describe form in terms of
“hearing” such as “loud,” “noisy,” “beeping,” “ticking,” etc.
· Kinesthetic – People whose sensory perception is
kinesthetic tend to use “feeling” phrases such as “I feel that is
the best way to do it,” “My feelings do not support this,” “She
was warmly welcoming,” “I feel that,” “I can’t grasp that” or “I

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fear that,” and words such as “touch,” “feel,” “afraid,” “fear,”

“warm,” “cool,” “rough,” “smooth,” “wet,” etc.
Pay attention to these details and learn to adjust your style of

speaking accordingly. First, you can practice creating longer
sentences having a characteristic of each type of sensory perception
above, so it becomes easy and natural for you to use them during
real conversations. Pick one of those rapport-building techniques
and use it in your next conversation. Then try another one and test
how it works for you.
Every time focus on just one element, teaching your brain

exactly what it should catch in the other person's
speaking. Thanks to this, you will learn the ability step-by-step and
will soon be able to use it automatically. Then, being able to adjust
yourself through all of these ways at once, you will become a
significantly better communicator.
I will also tell you about different, often repeating, verbal patterns and
models of thinking and how to recognize them and utilize this
knowledge. We’ll also talk about other aspects of verbal rapport in
the chapters “ Metaprograms ” and “ Meta Model . ”
It is important that you remember to be vigilant and careful when you

talk and listen to people. Besides the fact that I promised myself to
carefully listen to other people’s words a long time ago, I would often
find myself in a situation when at some point I forgot to pay attention
to the linguistic structure and turned the “autopilot” on instead, losing
track of my goal in the conversation.
With time, however, I developed the ability to be present and
attentive to what the other person was saying. I started noticing the
beliefs and values, experiences, specific words and phrases relating
to the senses very easily. Remember, it’s just another skill that you
can learn .
This knowledge gives you great opportunities. Use it effectively and
start to use it in your life as soon as you can.

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The Most Important Things to Remember while Building

Rapport!
1. Creating a rapport with the other person does not have to rely on
miming everything that person is doing. It is not, under any
circumstances, about typical imitation, overacting and
copying everything. The secret lies in the fact that your actions
are subtle and unobtrusive.
2. The adjustment will be discreet if you do not do it abruptly. Do it

slowly, being careful step by step. Do it so that it is invisible to the
other person. Initial matching may take two minutes or more.
3. You do not need to match everything (and you really shouldn’t).

Start by observing and noticing what the most visible characteristic
of the person is and then select the specifics that you can match
easily.
4. If there is a risk that the harmonization of one element would be

too visible, you cannot do this directly. For example, nervous
movements of the hand of another person may be reflected by
rocking your body. Q uick speaking can be reflected with a fast
movement of your hand.
5. Remember that to have a good fit, you need to notice all the non-
verbal signals of the other people first. So before you start to create
a rapport, observe. Learn to notice the different elements of human
behavior and practice this observation every time.
6. Observe your caller’s reactions. See if they feel more comfortable

thanks to your actions. The signals may be different—relaxation,
smiling, opening up to your propositions, visible better mood,
increased understanding of your messages, etc. Since everybody is
different, you will have to remain flexible and alert. Never take
anything for granted when building rapport.

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7. Rapport can be also applied to any other part of communication

with others. The point being, you should also try to speak your
interlocutor’s language. We all have different symbolic language that
we speak in all areas of our lives. For example, let’s take
appreciation under our magnifier. Imagine that your colleague from
work wanted to say “thank you” for your help with his project and
gave you a bottle of premium bourbon or red wine. If someone said
“thank you” to me this way, I would be really happy, but my cousin,
for example, would be a bit unfulfilled because his language is
spending time with people as a sign of appreciation, not giving them
gifts. He would probably think, “Well, nice, but why don’t we just go
out and you could buy me a few beers at the pub instead of just
giving me something and walking away?” It’s just not his language. If
you want to be an effective communicator, don’t show people
appreciation in your language, do it in their language , provided
you’ve known them long enough. My dear wife, for example, likes
being surprised very much. When I buy her a present for a special
occasion, she appreciates it, but no matter how much love I give her,
she feels a little bit neglected when I don’t positively surprise her
once in a while (and that doesn’t have to mean buying stuff, she just
loves the surprise factor and unpredictability showed in many
different ways). Don’t treat people the way you like to be treated,
treat them the way THEY want to be treated. That’s a big rapport
take-away to remember!
Leading
In addition to matching, the concept of rapport includes leading .
As soon as you establish a good strong connection, you can start

leading. If you have a deep rapport with a person, you' ve succeeded
already. Now you can take the next step. Thanks to that you will be
able to exert influence on people, changing their emotional states
and approach to various issues. For example, if someone is stressed
out and you want them to be relaxed —first you adjust to that

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stressed out state, then you begin to change your attitude to a more
relaxed one. Slowly you begin to speak more slowly, breathe deeply
and do less intense gestures.
If you do it skillfully and not obviously, the other person will start to
follow your lead towards a better, more pleasant emotional state.
This is a great tool that provides huge opportunities in terms of
effective communication .
Some will say that they “prefer to be themselves” and that they
believe such actions are artificial. Sticking rigidly to the same
behavior can sometimes bring good results, but it’s on the contrary
much more often. Now you have obtained knowledge which allows
you to achieve excellent results in many different situations.
Remember that every single interaction with the other person has a
purpose.
The objectives can be different: getting close to the other person,

gaining trust, comforting the person, exchanging viewpoints and
many others. Whatever the goal, rapport helps you achieve it by
establishing better contact with other people. Creation of harmony
and effective agreement is a beautiful thing and what' s more, brings
great benefits for both sides of communication.

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Chapter 15: How to Use

Metaphors to Communicate
Better
Our daily conversations are stuffed with this remarkable linguistic
structure. On average, during one minute of spoken language, we
usually use as many as six metaphors. Once you learn to notice
metaphors among other people’s words, magical things start to
happen.
The ability to refer to metaphors in daily conversation gives you
many great new possibilities: everything from changing other
people’s beliefs or solving their problems, to inducing laughter or
motivation. In this chapter I will show you how to navigate among
metaphors during your usual conversations, coaching sessions or
even business negotiations.
Metaphors vs. Logical Mind

Imagine that your friend says: " My business is not taking off!" As
long as this person is not actually a pilot or airline owner, they’re
referring to a specific event or situation in their life. Maybe you could
simply ignore the metaphor and just ask, " What do you mean?"
However, getting very clear information about how this problem is
represented in their mind and then relating to this specific metaphor
gives a much better effect. Why? Because then their logical mind
doesn’t get into action, ruining all your efforts.
The fight with their logical mind in such a situation would be a rather
futile attempt. Your friend, explaining to you what exactly they meant
by saying their business isn’t taking off, would find a lot of
reasonable arguments supporting this metaphor and possibly start
feeling even worse. “…Oh, I’m so hopeless! Can’t even take care of
my own business!” Even if you were brilliant with rhetoric and turned

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down all of these self-deprecating arguments one by one, they would

probably find new ones. More or less accurate, but quite true for their
logical mind.
By referring to a metaphor itself, you bypass your

interlocutor’s conscious mind and refer to their
subconscious. The world of metaphors is created subconsciously
and usually has no direct connection with the real issue it presents.
Thanks to this, there is almost no risk that the so-called “inner critic”
(internal voice) will start messing around in this person’s head,
making them feel even worse. It is impossible to discuss with a
metaphor!
Move Inside the Metaphor

What does " moving across the metaphor" mean? This is the process
of taking a particular metaphor literally and referring to it as if it was
not a metaphor, but a normal, logical expression.
Let’s discuss it on the example of our friend’s business “not taking
off.” Knowing how beneficial referring to a metaphor usually is,
instead of asking for specific reasons for not taking off, you could
ask, " Are you sure that you accelerated your plane to the maximum
speed before trying to take off?" , or, " How long is the airstrip?" You
can also ask, " In that case, what can you do to make the engines run
at top speed and finally take off?" , or, “Have you read the right
manual on how to fly this particular plane?”
There are many options. Going further, you could also say, “Maybe
you need to try taking off with a better, newer model plane?" Or with
humor, " Are you sure that you’re sitting inside of a plane? Maybe it’s
just a strange car?” Each of these metaphors proposes different
solutions or invites the other person to discover a particular issue
more deeply. " Next time you better refuel your plane before trying to
take off or you will just drive all around the runway again and make
ground control laugh!"

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The most unusual thing about metaphors is that the subconscious

mind will always find the relevant and necessary
meaning of a particular analogy. It often happens that two
different people find answers for two different problems (which don’t
have anything in common) in a single metaphor. High flexibility of
this fanciful linguistic structure makes it useful in a plethora of
situations. Maybe that’s why it’s so widely used in many religious
books and folklore stories. It’s very helpful for our mind and our
ancestors knew about it.
Some time ago a friend and coworker told me: " I feel like I have had
my hands tied with a thick rope for a very long time..." I asked him:
" Do you want to run all over the place and beg people to cut these
ropes and free your hands, or maybe you will finally pull yourself
together, find a sharp hook and tear them up to shreds?" He just
nodded his head significantly and said, " I definitely prefer to find the
inner strength and opportunity to tear these cords up." This brief
exchange of thoughts made me realize very quickly who I’m dealing
with and how to talk to him to get him motivated to overcome his
problems.
Remember that before you start referring to a metaphor, it is worth it
to have a good rapport with your conversation partner.
The strategy of referring to metaphors used in everyday
conversation is very simple and consists of two stages:
1 . Specification of a metaphor.
2. Searching for solutions.
In both stages, you move only on the surface of the metaphor, not
going into the details of what the particular analogy means for the
person you are talking with.
To explain it better, let me tell you about a case described by Sue
Knight in her book, NLP at Work . She worked with this company
where the CEOs would often use these expressions in conversations
between themselves:

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- “I was taking heavy fire…”

- “To attack the competition…”
- “Aim at the right spot…”
This way of perceiving their business wasn’t a beneficial cognitive
scheme in this instance. Instead of focusing on how to improve their
company, these CEOs were focusing on their “enemies” and the
“war” they believed they led. They were wasting their energy on the
constant preparation for the “fight” instead of putting their focus on
finding new, creative ways to make their business stand out.
Taking the two stages of working with metaphors into account, I
would ask them questions like: " Who is fighting with whom here?" ,
" What are you fighting for?" , " How will you know that you won the
war?" and so on.
Knowing the answers, I would refer to searching for solutions
through some ideas that are still connected with the metaphors of
war or battle. I could also use more general solutions: " Wouldn’t it be
better if you buried the hatchet or perhaps maybe even joined your
forces at some point?" , " You will never build a great empire focusing
on fighting all the time. Perhaps it would be better to put the entire
focus in development inside of the team?"
If you refer to a given problem like that, it’s almost guaranteed you
will be understood by the person who sees the world in a certain
way. You do not have to have extensive knowledge or specific skills
to give a good metaphoric solution, as metaphors are usually simple.
Below you will find a list of some other metaphors which are often
used by people in conversations. Take a look at the list to be able to
notice them easier in conversations. In addition, taking each of them
into consideration, you can practice what you have learned in this
chapter:
- I’m carrying a huge weight on my shoulders.
- I have a feeling there is a big, thick wall in front of me.

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- Someone cut my wings.

- I am speechless.
- I am still standing in the same place and cannot move forward.
- We do not transmit on the same wavelengths.
- He' s like a ticking time bomb.
W here Can You U se This Knowledge?
- In any conversation, with any person, in order to play with

the language and improve your linguistic skills. Catch metaphors,
change them, seek solutions and make others laugh.
- W hen you want to help someone - people very often
describe their problems with the help of metaphors. Expand on
metaphors they use and try to find better solutions for them on the
level of these analogies .
- To influence and inspire others - when someone verbalizes
some of their obstacles/blocks in the form of a metaphor (e.g. " it’s
out of my league" ), refer to it without getting into logical arguments
and introduce that person to new possibilities.
- W hen you want to teach someone or open their eyes
to something important - a good metaphor can be the key to
understand even the most difficult issues. It’s sometimes enough if
you start a sentence with: " It’s just as if…" to make someone’s mind
“click.”
These are just a few ideas on how to apply operations on the level of
metaphors. Across the vast ocean of possibilities, you will surely find
out what is the most useful for you.
The world of metaphors is truly fascinating and I encourage you to
start discovering it —mastery of this particular linguistic

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structure in conversations takes communication to a

totally new level.

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Chapter 16: Metaprograms

Do you want to know the key to every human’s mind? Metaprograms
refer to the different ways of filtering incoming information by
different people. Knowledge about specific mental filters they use
gives you the opportunity to communicate much more effectively with
others and also enables you to strengthen the influence you have on
them.
As you already know from the first chapters of this book, everyone
makes decisions, finds solutions, processes what you say or
motivates themselves differently. The ability to see these differences
and to recognize different metaprograms allows you to adjust your
message so that you can always reach the intended goal of your
interaction.
The human mind processes a HUGE amount of information every
single moment of our lives. To be able to function normally in this
world, it must filter all the information and signals it receives by
ignoring some of them and letting others in. Metaprograms are
these filters of perception, which decide how we
develop specific, individual thinking patterns in our
brains. They are a little bit like club bouncers, defining which
information will be let in and which won’t be allowed to enter.
Neuro-Linguistic Programming (NLP) assumes that every person
has their own unique set of metaprograms. They filter the world of
every person differently, creating unique maps of reality.
Metaprograms define how each person will behave in a particular
situation.
Metaprograms can be easily identified by the observation of behavior
and language a particular person uses. The ability to see the
patterns between different metaprograms gives amazing
opportunities in communication with others —you can easily tell
which decision to make, how to motivate people and how to look at

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their specific problems. Such knowledge allows you to

customize your message for the receiver, having much
more of an impact on their behavior.
In his book Introducing NLP , Joseph O' Connor writes: “A good
speaker forms his message the way it fits the other person' s world.
He uses language compatible with their metaprograms, changing the
shape of information in advance and making sure that they will be
able to understand it easily.”
Let me show you the most important metaprograms now. I’ll describe
them thoroughly so you have a clear picture of what each of them is
about. In addition, I will show you the way to recognize each
metaprogram in the other person and the way to use this knowledge
in a smart way.
Motivation From- To
This metaprogram refers to a strategy of motivating oneself .

People with a “TO” metaprogram are focused on their goals, while
those with a pattern of “FROM” are focused on the problems to
avoid. The former ones motivate themselves more easily when they
have an image of something positive in their minds, something they
can achieve, a success they can reach. They are attracted TO
this image. On the other hand, people with “FROM”
metaprograms motivate themselves by being constantly aware of
what bad can happen if they do not execute a particular task. They
motivate themselves using fear and are pushed away
FROM the negative images.
How do you recognize these metaprograms? For example, when a
person works a day job, you can ask why they chose that work over
another field. Depending on which pattern is more dominant in them,
they will answer that either this work allows them to achieve their
goals and realize their dreams or that job gives them a roof over their

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head and allows them to pay their bills. Of course, that might not
apply in every possible case of people working day jobs, as some of
these dead-end jobs don’t leave space for any self-development and
everyone knows it, but you get the point. If the person you are talking
to does not work yet, you can ask about their reason for choosing a
particular university, school, or faculty over another, why they do
what they do, etc. Besides, this metaprogram very often appears in
usual, everyday conversations.
Once you recognize the pattern usually used by this person, you
gain the possibility to influence and motivate them much more
effectively. W hen persuading that person to do something,
always use their metaprogram. Trying to motivate someone
with a strong desire for accomplishments and successes by some
kind of punishment will be ineffective in most cases or could even
bring the opposite effect. Vice versa, if you try to use some kind of
reward to motivate people who always think about how to avoid
defeats, it may end up in a failure. Of course, this rule is not an
absolute when applied, at least not always and everywhere, but
remembering about the matching of metaprograms you will always
be sure that your message will have the planned effect or at least
end up close to it.
Similarities- Differences
People who are similarly oriented will notice things similar to each
other in many different contexts, whereas those focused on
differences filter their reality mainly by noticing new, different and
various things. The first group of people usually do not like changes,
stay away from new technologies and revolutionary solutions. The
second group of people look for changes, they like challenges and
enjoy growth.

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W hat kind of relations do you notice between these

three triangles ? A similarities-oriented person would probably
say that these three triangles are the same size and same color,
while the differences-oriented person can respond to the same
question that two triangles are the same, while another one is
different—upside down. You can try it on someone by, for instance,
showing him three coins, two showing tails and one showing heads.
Looking from a point of language, people with the metaprogram of
similarity often use the phrases: " the same," " similar," " traditionally"
or " commonly." People with metaprograms of differences use
phrases such as: " different," " various," " innovative" or " as opposed
to."
Let’s suppose that you are a car seller. A person comes to you who
owns the same model that you are currently selling, just from three
years prior, and is now looking for a new model. If this man is
focused on the similarities, it will be much easier to convince him into
buying the new model by telling him it retains all the advantages of
its predecessors, that it is still the same tradition, that the very soul of
this car remains unchanged. On the other hand, if that person is
focused on the differences, it is worth it to say: “This model is
completely new, has an innovative line, many revolutionary features,
much better acceleration, it’s almost an entirely different car that
looks similar.”
The two metaprograms above refer mainly to motivation. Fluency in
noticing them quickly will help you motivate and persuade people
you are communicating with much more effectively by adjusting your
message to your receiver. Start to watch and listen to people during
each conversation more carefully —you should be able to notice
these patterns quite quickly. Often it’s possible to differentiate
metaprograms of the other people even during the most usual
conversation about the weather.

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Knowing how the mind of another human filters information allows

your messages to be much more precise, which is the key to
effective motivation and influencing.
Options/ Procedures
People focused on options like to have a possibility of

choice. They avoid common schemes and feel much better when
they have big impact on the process of achieving their goals.
People focused on the procedures prefer to work
according to the finished procedure scheme or
template, without feeling the urge to make their own choices. They
feel best when their tasks are determined in advance and they
accomplish what has to be done step by step following, for example,
some kind of written outline.
People focused on options are more often very creative. It is not the
best idea to employ them on positions where success depends
strictly on the adherence to superiors’ commands. Figuratively, it is
not worth it to employ people focused on procedures where more
creative ways of acting and individual decision making are needed.
For instance, when you want to convince a person focused on
“options” to do something, tell them about a wide range of
opportunities they will have in this position. Show them where they
will be able to make decisions for themselves, as well as how big
their impact on the course of the whole situation will be. Show that
they will be able to use their own ideas. When interviewing a person
focused on procedures, let them know they will receive all the
detailed instructions necessary to operate. Convince them that
everything will be clear and well-presented and the only thing they
will have to do is execute the ready-to-use instructions .

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General/ Detailed
People with " general" metaprograms prefer to look at

the whole problem or issue in general from a bigger
perspective . They feel good when they can fully embrace the
concept. People oriented on the details, however, prefer
to look at the specific elements of the whole. They focus
the greatest attention on details, on the specific elements of
problems and concepts.
The former are usually great at planning. Their ability to grasp all
issues allows them to prepare a plan and a strategy for better action.
People with a " detailed" metaprogram feel more comfortable with
tasks that have a sequence of required individual steps. They look at
each single task individually, focusing only on one step at a time.
Again, this metaprogram can easily be learned by observing

peoples’ expressions. Listen carefully any time they are presenting
an issue, problem or idea. Note if they are talking about the details
and specific elements of this issue or are rather focused on general
transmission of the concept.
How can you use this knowledge? Let’s suppose that you are a
bicycle retailer. If your customer is focused on the general
perspective, you could encourage them by speaking about the
general merits of this bike (it will allow them to take long and
enjoyable trips, they will feel great riding this bike, that it’s
comfortable and robust, etc.). To a person with " detailed"
metaprogram you could say that this bike has great brakes,
handlebars and a frame made from the best materials, essentially
only the concrete stuff.
The Authority of the External/ Internal

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People oriented to external authority need the support

of others to make a decision. They usually lean on the
authority in a particular field. When they have to make a decision,
they ask other people for their opinion and based on their feedback,
they make their final decision. Those oriented to the internal
authority rely only and exclusively on their own beliefs
on the subject. They reject the opinion of others, taking mainly
their own priorities and judgements into consideration. Generally,
they are guided by their own guts .
People with a metaprogram of " external authority" need someone
who is going to support them and show them the right way. Those on
the opposite side can rarely accept someone else' s leadership.
How can you specify this metaprogram in another person? The most
helpful question might be, " How do you know you' ve done your job
well?" People with the internal authority will say they rated it
themselves, while those with an external authority will indicate the
confirmation from other people.
In an attempt to convince someone into something, you can tell them
about how they will have your support or the support of other people
along the way and they will always be able to ask for any advice and
help. You can also convince internal-authority people by telling them
about how much independence and impact they will have on the
decision-making process by selecting the most suitable options for
them, et cetera.
Me/ Others
The last metaprogram I’m going to describe refers to the particular

view of benefits. People with the “me” metaprogram
usually focus on their benefits as opposed to people
with the " others" metaprogram, which mainly pay
attention to what other people’s benefits will be.

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This metaprogram is very easy to recognize. Asking people what

benefits are the most important to them, you' ll notice that some
people talk mainly about themselves or about other people, their
loved ones, for example. Someone focused on " me" will say, " I want
to be happy about it," " I' m doing it for myself," or, " I need this."
Someone with " others" metaprograms will say, " I want other people
to like it," " I care about the opinion of my friends," " My wife has to
accept it," or maybe, “I won’t buy this product —I like it but I’m
concerned about the environment.”
Once you recognize which direction this person takes, use it to talk
about the benefits for that person or about the benefits for people
from their surroundings.
Recognition of metaprograms is very easy —you just need to

ask the right q uestions and carefully listen to the
answers. In most cases, these questions are not even necessary,
because usual conversations quickly reveal particular patterns .
Remember that metaprograms are, after all, mainly about
generalizations. If you recognize particular metaprograms in
someone, it obviously doesn’t mean they will always
behave like this. Metaprograms may change over time,
according to different contexts. Therefore, be observant and
flexible; do not attach yourself to one metaprogram
when you discover that, for example, a person close to you is detail-
oriented. There might also be some individuals who are not
completely specified by a single side of a particular metaprogram.
They may be more in the middle, oscillating between one and
another.
Hence, remember to carefully listen to the other person's
words all the time , not only until the moment you specify their
metaprograms for the first time. Do not put people into boxes,
but rather assume that the person is using the

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particular metaprogram at that moment and that is

why and when you can use it.
Use your head when trying to put your influence on others, bearing
in mind the fact that the key to effective communication is matching
your message to the way in which other people communicate.
Therefore, respect their metaprograms and benefit from this
knowledge. Wisely used, this may prove to be an extremely powerful
tool. Practice checking what works best and in which context.
Remember that when you learn how to utilize this knowledge in
practice, you will naturally become very familiar with it at some point
and you will become an even better communicator.

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Chapter 17: Meta Model

Meta Model is a pillar of the linguistic part of NLP. Mastery of this
concept will not only help you to improve your communication with
others, but also enable you to cope with your own beliefs.
Let me begin by telling you more about the concept of Meta Model
and the assumptions built on its foundations so you become familiar
with the most important language structures and questions, which
can be used to undermine limiting beliefs —both yours and the
people with whom you communicate.
Meta Model is the work of Richard Bandler and John Grinder. For a
few years they observed and analyzed the actions of the best
psychotherapists they knew. Based upon Fritz Persl’s, V irginia
Satir’s and Milton Erickson’s work, they created the linguistic
therapeutic model, which allows for effective problem solving during
therapy. You can find a very exact description of the Meta Model in
Richard Bandler’s book The Structure of Magic , which was also his
PhD thesis work. It’s a great read.
To understand what the Meta Model is, it is worth the time to
familiarize yourself with the concepts of deep structure and surface
structure, which describe the formation of mental representations in
an easier way.
Using our senses, we receive “raw material” from the world around
us —what we see, hear, feel, taste and smell. All of this sensory
information is a deep structure. It’s everything that we
receive from the outside world, without mental interpretation. In order
to function in the world around us, we need to simplify the raw
material, because otherwise we wouldn’t be able to embrace the
whole.
We use language to represent our experience, as well as to
communicate it. Using language, we create maps of reality and this
is the advantage we have over other animals. Our map of reality,

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which is a simplified version of raw experience, is the

surface structure. We respond to it on a daily basis. It' s our
beliefs and thoughts about the surrounding reality .
People who are successful and enjoy life in general are able to draw
from the world in a direct manner. They do not dilute their experience
by passing them through the filters of what they " should" experience
or what they expect to experience.
Many people go to the cinema to see a movie with a set of beliefs
about it. They were formed on the basis of the trailer, written reviews
or the opinions of their friends. These filters make them receive the
film differently than they would have received it if they saw it without
creating the initial assumptions.
On many different levels of our lives, we look at the world through
the prism of an entire set of generalizations, distortions and
deletions.
Meta Model is a set of linguistic structures that are mainly

questions. It is thanks to them we are able to obtain information that
has been “hidden.” We hide this information because then it is easier
for us to communicate with others —we can provide each other
generalized information. Unfortunately, it often raises problems
because we react to false beliefs that were formed, as a result of the
creation of a general image of reality.
While you create a map of reality from the raw experience, there are
three main processes: removal ( or deletion) , generalizations
and distortions. Each of these processes cut out some
information from our communication, which is why it is more difficult
for us to communicate and understand each other.
In therapy or coaching, a Meta Model is used to help people
experience the deep structure again. That is, the full description of a
given situation. Responding to generalized thought patterns can
often be the main or even only source of destructive feelings.

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Deletions :
Deletion is the skipping of information that is relevant in any given
situation.
- Simple Deletion – Speaking highly generally.

" I' m disappointed."
What exactly disappointed you? What happened? What were you
expecting ?
- Comparison – Removal of information essential in comparing

ourselves with others.
" They are better than I am!"
Who specifically? What are they better at? How are they better?
- The Lack of Benchmark – There’s no noun in the expression.

People involved in the situation have not been named.
" I was warned…"
Who was threatening you? Who warned you about it?
- Indefinite Benchmark – Those involved were listed in a

general way.
" They cheated me!"
Who is cheating you? How did they cheat you?
- U nspecified V erb – The problem mentioned is not specified.

" She is hurting me by doing this."
What exactly did she do? How did she hurt you?
Distortions :
Changing of a given situation or phenomenon’s meaning.

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- Nominalization – Changing a verb to a noun, reducing the

whole process to a single thing or event.
" I’m down.”
How did you down yourself? This question also helps to regain
responsibility for the process.
- Cause- Effect ( A Causes B) – Explanation of one situation with

another, which does not have a direct cause-effect with it.
" He doesn' t listen to me, so he doesn’t care about me. "
Does he never listen to you? How is one related to the other? Do
you always listen to him?
- Mind Reading – Supporting your expressions with your

conjectures and projections about the thoughts of other people.
" She thinks that I am hopeless."
How exactly do you know that? What does she tell you about it?
- Complex Eq uivalent ( A = B) – Where event A supposedly

causes event B, but it' s only true for that person due to their beliefs
and attitude.
" Christmas without snow is hopeless."
How does one cause the other?
- Anonymous Authority – Supporting of the statement with an

authority which has never been specified.
" We should not talk about this."
According to whom? Who said so?
Generalizations:
Generalizations of phenomena and situations based upon a single or
few experiences.

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- Numerals – “ Always,” “all,” “everyone,” “no one,” “none.”

" All entrepreneurs struggle with financial liquidity."
Absolutely everyone? Do you know all of the entrepreneurs in our
country and in the world?
- Modal Operators – “ I must,” “I should,” “I can' t.”

" I can' t let it happen."
What stands in the way? What or who is holding you back? What
exactly will happen if you do it?
- Presumptions – Hidden assumptions .

" Before you judge me, first think about what kind of man you are
yourself."
Where did the assumption that I will be judging you come from?
For me, the Meta Model has always been one of the most important
parts of the entire NLP and the art of effective communication. I
learned it to such an extent that it became a section of my
unconscious mind, and so I use it naturally, spontaneously when I
need it as a part of my competence. At a certain stage, good
questions come intuitively. It is a very useful tool during coaching
sessions.
Meta Model is one of the main topics within the framework of the
majority of NLP trainings. For me, it’s one of the most crucial ones.
It is important to use Meta Model subtly and with

moderation. The continuous asking of (even correct) questions
may be uncomfortable for your conversation partners, because not
everyone is willing to expose or admit imperfections in their thinking.
Meta Model should serve you to improve communication. Therefore,
remember not to overuse it. You don’t want to interrogate people.
Always take care of the rapport with your interlocutor and feel if

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they’re ready for a conversation, which to some extent can be

therapeutic.
You can practice the Meta Model with someone who also wants to
learn it. Make a list of limiting beliefs and ask each other questions
from this chapter. This way, you will quickly get familiar with it and
you will be able to intuitively choose appropriate questions.

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Chapter 18: Eye Accessing

Cues
Do you know that eye movements can show whether someone
thinks by images, sounds or feelings? “Sensory predicates and eye
accessing cues” is a model of how man gets access to a specific
type of information which is stored somewhere in the subconscious.
This assumption, developed by the creators of NLP, is based on the
knowledge that the information related to specific senses is stored in
different areas of our brain. Watching the eyes of the other person,
you may be able to determine quite accurately what is happening in
their heads!
Perhaps you have already noticed that people sometimes look in a

few different directions while conversing with you. You were probably
convinced that these looks are either random or something attracted
their attention. In some instances, this could indeed be so. However,
in most cases, this person probably tried to access some
information, reaching into their memory, imagining the picture or
speaking to themselves in their minds.
Sometimes, when people tell you about their recent summer
vacations, they look up and to their left. Such eye movements are
usually subconscious reflex action which helps them remind
themselves, for example, how the view from the top of Eiffel tower
looked.
Another time, someone looks down and to their left side, wanting to
recall what someone told them. They are obtaining access to
information stored as an internal dialogue, which is simply an audio
projection of a memory.
This knowledge allows you to discover what is currently happening in
the mind of the other person. Of course, you are not able to find out
what exactly this person is thinking about and it’s not really a mind-

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reading technique per se, but knowing whether it is a picture, sound

or a feeling gives you some great opportunities.
How does it work?
The vast majority of information we receive from the outside world is
stored by our subconscious. Any time we want to access this
database, we have to “move” the “files” from there to our
consciousness. Sensory predicates and eye accessing cues tell us
about the way in which most people reach for this information. This,
of course, is a generalization, which is not true for all people in the
world—but surprisingly often this model really goes along with what
we experience.
The process of obtaining access to information is made either
through a brief look in a particular direction or by looking there for a
longer moment, reflecting on the answer. It is worth remembering
that a look in a certain direction doesn’t have to be made for the
person to access specific memory—it is only a subconscious
facilitation for a brain.
On the diagram below you can see the directions people look in
order to gain access to a particular type of information.
(This is what you see when you look at the other person)

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As mentioned earlier, the above diagram is a generalization, which

means that it doesn’t always have to be like that. However, even if a
person is looking in another direction than the diagram states,
usually the sensory predicates and eye accessing cues will be
permanent and fixed for them. So, for example, looking to their left to
remember sounds. The next time they want to access the same type
of information, they will quite likely look in the same direction as it’s a
fixed habit type of process .
Directions may also vary in left-handed people—what should be on
the left will usually be located on the right side. Remember that since
the human brain is the most complicated mechanism known to man,
you cannot take anything for granted during interpersonal relations.
Always carefully watch the person with whom you are speaking.
I would not recommend using this model as a lie detection tool. I met
some NLP-freaks who believed that if they ask, " What were you
doing last week at this exact time?" and the person pauses to think
of the answer while looking to their right side and up, then they’re
lying as they’re creating an image instead of remembering it. This
interpretation, however, may be far from the truth. Why?
Sometimes some of our memories are blurred or faded and we help
ourselves by creating images. Sometimes when you ask someone
about what their best friend’s voice sounds like, they will first look up
creating a picture of the friend and then down, forming the sound of
their voice. You need to take a lot of different options into account, so
you can never be 100% sure about your interpretation, even after
extensive CIA interrogation training. Moreover, some people are just
extraordinarily talented at lying.
Let’s do a little experiment.
Anticipating that you will probably want to try it in practice, I have
prepared a few questions for you that will allow you to test this model
on another person. To each symptom, you will find three questions
that correspond to a particular type of information. When you
manage to convince someone to do this experiment, in any case, do
not tell this person anything about eye movements or about anything

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that is really the subject of this " research" . Simply say that you want
to ask them a few questions.
Reminded Images:
- What color are the walls in your room?
- What do you see from the window in your office?
- What color was your t-shirt yesterday?
Created Images:
- How would your room look with pink polka dots on the wall?
- What would an elephant cross-bred with a tiger look like?
- Imagine a green square in a red triangle.
Reminded Sounds:
- What sound does the door to your room make when it slams?
- What is the ringtone you have set on your phone?
- What is the sound of your closest friend’s voice?
Created Sounds:
- How would a radio sound underwater?
- What sound would a drunk bird make?
- How would a scream made by five thousand people at one time
sound?
Kinesthetic ( Feelings) :
- How does holding a snowball in your hand feel?
- How does it feel to dip your hand in a bathtub full of hot water?
- What do you feel when you touch sandpaper?
Internal Dialogue:

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- What do you say to yourself when something does not go the way
you want it?
- What tone of voice do you have when you’re talking to yourself?
- Tell yourself something nice in your thoughts.
Ask these questions to someone else rather than yourself, because

staring in a specific direction when accessing information is a
process of the subconscious. If you ask yourself these questions,
thinking simultaneously about where you are looking, you will disturb
this natural process. It is best to ask these questions to a person
who is not familiar with NLP communication techniques, is not a
police officer, special agent, psychotherapist, etc. During this
exercise, do not tell this person what it is about until you finish asking
all the questions.
It is important that you get familiar with the ability to see even the
smallest glances, as sometimes they only last for a part of a second.
You have to be very attentively focused on observing what' s
happening on the other person' s face.
If the person who you are asking questions to gives you the answers
quickly without looking in various directions, it is worth it to ask them
more detailed questions, forcing them to think. For example, " What
color were the walls painted before the last renovation?”, “What color
are the walls in the basement?”, or, " What if this hybrid of an
elephant and tiger somehow also gets crossed with a hamster?
What would it look like?" Play with these questions a little bit and
have fun. More detailed or abstract questions will force your
interlocutor to think deeply and will eventually cause eye
movements.
When I decided to test this model with this set of questions on a few
people, it worked on five out of eight cases. I was very positively
surprised by the result. Now, watching people as I ask them
questions (no longer in the context of the experiment, but simply
during usual conversations) I often notice how unconsciously their

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eyes “escape” when they are looking for answers and it mostly sticks
to what you see above.
This little trick can also be useful:

- When identifying whether a person thinks with images, sounds or
feelings, which allows for better communication and building
a good rapport . For instance, by using language of the senses,
" See, it’s as clear as the summer sky!"
- When referring to what someone said by using
gestures, e.g., " When you were relaxing on that beautiful beach,
did you..." and point with your hand in the same direction or spot that
person looked at while recalling their holiday.
- As a fun fact, showing others interesting information about how
our mind works.
Discover it yourself by checking how frequently it works in reality.
Consider where else you can find it useful and use it as much as
possible!
You can also take a look at this clip on YouTube. It’s a really good
example of this subconscious reaction:
http://tinyurl.com/eyecues

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Chapter 19: How to Predict

Future Behaviors
In this short but useful chapter, I’m going to show you one of my
favorite tricks that few people know about: how to predict how
anyone will act in the future. It’s invaluable in many different
situations, such as work interviews, dating, business meetings, etc.
Have you ever been asked annoying and pointless questions during
job interviews, such as, “So tell me about your approach to work,” or,
“Where do you see yourself in five years?” Well, by asking these
questions, people usually want to learn something about your future
behaviors and your mindset, but since no one would respond, “I
don’t give a crap about work and you know that; all I need is your
money and my peace after five,” or, “In five years I see myself
chilling out in Tahiti with a drink in my hand,” these questions usually
don’t make any real sense and aren’t asked by HR professionals
who know what they’re doing, nor by effective communicators.
Don’t just ask people things like, “So, tell me how you deal with
conflicts?” because what you are going to get is a bland and
pointless answer, crafted so that you hear what you want to hear.
Unfortunately, their real behavior will be revealed only during the real
conflict. Do you want to know what is most likely to show you future
behaviors? Past behavior — the best future predictor! If you
are about to ask someone a question that is intended to discover
how they are going to act in a variety of different situations, what you
are going to do is to use this simple process: first of all, you need to
ask them about a specific situation that happened in the past. Then,
you want to ask them how they reacted initially to this situation.
Lastly, you need to ask them how they resolved this situation.
So, for example, you might ask: “Tell me about a time in the past
when you found yourself in the middle of a conflict about something
very important to you. How did you react to that conflict, how did you
go about resolving it and how did you work through that conflict?”

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When you ask questions formed like that, you force people to stop
for a moment and really think about the specific conflict they were in,
how they reacted, what steps they took and how they eventually
resolved it. That’s when you’re really going to find out what they are
going to do when a similar challenge arises with you or in your
company/department/relationship/etc. That is going to be a great
new skill to accompany you throughout your life. For example, if your
date would tell you that she had a conflict in a previous marriage,
found out that her husband was gambling and that the first thing she
did was apply for a divorce without even listening to what he had to
say, you would know that this person has a short fuse and is not
really into long-term problem-solving. If she finds out something she
doesn’t like, she will probably dump you in a second. With an answer
like, “Well, I went online, found a good family psychotherapist and
we went to our first meeting the very next day,” you would know
she’s proactive and into conflict-solving. You can use this in all
varieties of different professional and personal situations. So don’t
ask, “What would you do?” or, “How do you come about…” Instead,
ask about certain situations from the past, using this format: “What
happened, how did you react, how did you resolve it or how did that
turn out?” With this simple yet powerful upgrade in your
communication, you are going to feel like a sorcerer or an oracle.
You will be surprised to see how often people do exactly the same
things they did in the past.

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Chapter 20: How to Finally Start

Remembering N ames?
The ability to quickly and permanently remember peoples’ names is
an extremely underrated skill and a must-have feature of anyone
who wants to communicate effectively and smoothly! Remembering
names will allow you to make an awesome first impression and save
you lots of trouble after forgetting someone’s name after five minutes
of conversation.
Some time ago, remembering names was a great challenge for me.
Usually when two or three people told me their names, I forgot them
after about a few minutes. I really wanted to remember them, but
they would just vanish rapidly. It very often held me back from
making a good first impression and from succeeding at job
interviews, during the first days at a new school, university, in a new
company, during business meetings or even during nights out with
friends when I wanted to meet new people. From what I noticed, this
is quite a popular problem. My dear friend almost lost the chance to
have a date with the love of his life because he forgot her name and
after one hour of talking, called her Jennifer instead of Jessica. It
ended up in a painful but funny (for us, not him) face slap since she
is a rather fiery and impulsive kind of girl. Luckily, I eventually
managed to convince her that he’s a very good man, just a little bit
forgetful. I’m going to show you a few tricks, thanks to which you will
be able to impress everyone with your great memory for names and
improve your social skills.
Remembering a name and then using it early in the first
conversations is one of the best ways to make a great first
impression. By using the name of the person who you just met,
you will make them feel important to you. By doing so, you can easily
open the door to creating a special relationship with that person.

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" For most people, their own name is the sweetest and most
important sound in any language." - Dale Carnegie
Here’s how to go about it :
1 . Commit Yourself
Decide today that you will remember names every time you meet
someone new. Usually, when we talk to someone for the first time,
we do not pay attention to their name. It usually disappears from our
heads literally in a matter of seconds. That' s why the
commitment to start remembering the names of people you meet
is so important.
If you think, " I have such a bad memory for names,” then you are
wrong and looking for excuses. There is no such thing as a bad
memory for names. If you do not remember them, it means that you
do nothing to remember them. Decide that from now on you will start
doing something in this direction. Recall that undertaking whenever
you expect to meet someone new.
2. Focus
When you are greeting someone for the first time, always be focused
on this activity. You need to be present in the moment. Dispersion
and lack of focused attention will simply hold you back from
remembering names. Carefully listen to what people say, how they
introduce themselves. Moreover, take notice of how each person
looks. See what characteristics their faces have. You will need these
details to create associations, which I will describe in the fourth point.
3 . Repeat
Repetition of the name is a q uick way to save it in your

memory. You can repeat names in many different ways. For
example, immediately using the given name. Let’s suppose that
someone introduces himself to you as Adam. And you say: " Hi
Adam, nice to meet you." After a while of conversation you might

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ask, " Listen Adam, you’ve got a really cool accent, are you from…?"
Another way to repeat the name is pronouncing it in your thoughts.
In this case, after Adam introduces himself, you say in your head,
" Adam, Adam, Adam, Adam, Adam, Adam…" The third possibility is
to write this name on a piece of paper as soon as you have the
opportunity to do so. Of course it depends on the circumstances in
which you meet, but you can always save that name in your
cellphone or somewhere else. The mere act of writing it will help
your memory by a great degree.
4 . Create Association s
Whenever you hear a new name, create images which include the
associations of the name with an object or event. In addition, make
this image vivid, funny or even absurd and overdrawn, colorful and in
motion—it will make you remember this picture and the name
connected with it much better.
A few examples:
- You just met Caroline . Imagine her wearing a big, colorful

necklace of coral beads. These corals are heavy, have a strange
shape and bright colors. She bought this necklace in South Carolina.
-You just met Adam . Imagine him dressed as a dignified lady. She
wears a long and beautiful dress and has a fan in her hand, which
she uses for cooling herself. Now that it’s not Adam, you should
address him madam!
- Kenny . You just checked your pockets and you have no cash! You
ask Kenny to lend you a penny, so you can grab a nice cold beer
together.
- Ann . Imagine Ann dressed as a police officer and holding a gun.
She has an oversized police hat on her head and a scared robber
handcuffed to her wrist. Ann and her big gun.
As you can see, it’s pretty simple. Anyone can create such funny or
silly associations in a few seconds. When you do this, keep the

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created image in your head for a few moments. Now if

you have to remind yourself of a particular name, the association will
come immediately to your mind.
Note that you can create specific associations with many names.
Then, for example, when you meet another Caroline, you will already
know which image to use, without a need to create a new one each
time. I believe that this is a great idea, but since I find it quite
amusing to come up with new ideas every single time, I did not
decide to do this very often.
5 . Ask Again
If for some reason you could not use these techniques or you’ve
somehow already forgotten the name of someone you’ve just met—
don't be afraid to ask them to repeat their name. This
person certainly will be happy to tell you their name again. It’s a
much better solution than allowing for a situation in which you will
have to use that name for a few hours and it’s gone from your
memory .
You can use all of these ideas at the same time, however in most
cases you only need one technique (numbers 3 or 4). Therefore, it is
best to first test each of them individually. See which one works
best for you and stay with it. Using both repeating and
associations is a sure way to always remember new names.
When I meet new people and we’re still chatting, m y strategy is to
use their name often in conversation and additionally repeat it in my
memory. As soon as I finish talking with them and I have a free
moment, I create some funny association in my mind.
When the problem of remembering names is gone, you need to
remember one more thing. U se these names! You have to show
people that you remember their names. That' s why when you ask
someone about something, you should use their name as part of the
question. If you stopped talking with them and you want to ask them
about something again, start a sentence by saying their name. As

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this person hears their name and realizes that you already
remember it despite the fact you have just met, it will be a very
enjoyable experience for them. You will make a great impression on
them and your conversation will be taken to a completely different
level.

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Chapter 21: Sixteen W ays to

Have a Great Public
Presentation
The ability to act in front of a bigger group of people is one of the
most desired skills among people interested in self-development. It' s
because we perform all the time—not only during presentations,
business meetings or trainings, but also in normal everyday
situations, like when we meet up with our friends.
There are a lot of ways to make your presentation unique and
remembered by all listeners.
During my HR and coaching careers, I had the opportunity to commit
many errors, thanks to which I learned more from than any books I
read. This allowed me to consistently develop my skills and led to
the point at which I can share with you the knowledge gained from
my personal experience so you can always achieve goals you have
set for yourself while giving public performances and speeches.
Depending on the context in which you will use and benefit from this
unique skill, your goals may be different. Among a group of friends,
your intention may be to make all of them roll on the floor laughing.
During business presentations, it can be showing your listeners a
vivid vision of your idea, which they can see clearly and understand
entirely. During school or college speeches it could be evoking a
strong state of curiosity, so that the students and professors listen to
every word you say.
In short, you will be able to show yourself from the best side,
presenting what you have in an interesting way and having a great
time while doing it, along with your audience.
Here are 1 6 ways to carry out a great presentation:

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1. Prepare the material, but do not memorize it. It is best

to take a general outline of what you want to say and select the most
important bullet points of your presentation. Use colors and
underlines or drawings when you create this sketch, so you can
easily recall bullet points and things you need to speak about. If you
still forget them during your rehearsal, let the sheet lie somewhere
nearby so you can look at it and immediately know what to say.
There are two reasons to avoid holding pieces of paper in your
hands during a presentation: firstly, you are blocking your hands and
have limited opportunities to gesture. Secondly, you' ll be probably
looking at it all the time, which will spoil the impression of your
competence and thorough preparation for the presentation. Also
avoid writing down the exact content of your presentation and
learning it by heart, because when you forget a single word, the
whole presentation will fall apart. In addition to this, everyone in the
audience will hear that you learned it all by heart. Give yourself more
flexibility and your presentation will be natural.
2. Get rid of stage fright. First of all, you need to know that you
will make some errors during your presentation anyway. Maybe you
will say something differently than you intended or slightly change a
fact that you used. This is perfectly normal and it happens to
everyone. What is important to know, however, is that there is a 99%
chance that NO ONE will even notice it. No matter what skills you
have at the moment, you will probably sound a lot more informed
than you think. Before your presentation, imagine that everything is
going great, imagine how the audience is interested in what you say
and how everyone applauds at the end. Before you start, do a few
breathing exercises. The more you play, the better your presentation
will be!
3. If possible, come to the place of your presentation much

earlier, even before your listeners. Prepare the appropriate setting
of chairs if you can, see how you feel while standing where you are
going to speak. Then become a participant for a moment and sit in
several places in the room—in the front, side and back of the room.

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See if everything will be visible from the perspective of a participant.

On the basis of this knowledge, go back on stage and set everything
so that the presentation goes smoothly and as you planned it.
4. Clear your mind before getting on stage. Stop thinking

intensely about the material. When I started the adventure with
public speaking, I would repeat the material I was going to present
as close as one minute before starting the actual speech. I could not
relax because of this and I still wasn' t sure if I remembered
everything. I quickly realized that everything goes much better when,
a few minutes before the start of my speech, I let it go completely
and just trusted my subconscious. I also often meditate to calm my
mind and have a fully relaxed, chilled-out vibe. When the event
starts, I present what comes to my mind, often according to the
previously prepared plan, but sometimes I say completely unplanned
things. So it is easier and better overall. Let it go right before the
presentation and put the plan and rehearsing aside.
5. Take care of your posture. Stand straight, putting the weight

of the body on two slightly spaced legs. Keep your head high, so that
your chin is pointing towards the horizon. This way you will give the
impression of a confident person who is qualified in the subject. You
should also work on your gestures. Use smooth gestures, which
when used in an appropriate manner will picture what you are talking
about. Gestures are the topic for a whole other book, but remember
gestures should be peaceful, open and fluid. You shouldn’t also
gesture too high above your chest; it’s best to keep your hands
below the level of your chest, as some people see high gestures as
overwhelming, annoying or explicit. Your body language should
serve you as a powerful non-verbal message, which has great
importance in the process of communication.
6. Remember facial expression. Thanks to the appropriate use

of this part of the body, you can cause a lot of excitement in the
audience, thanks to the so-called mirror neurons. That' s why you
should have a rich facial expression repertoire, smile often, raise

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your eyebrows and make expressions corresponding to what you are

talking about. This will add depth and color to your presentation and
make the audience understand what you have on your mind, better
and faster.
7. Modulate your voice. Your vocal cords are a tool which can do
absolute wonders, when used properly. First of all, make sure that
you speak clearly. Remember not to speak too fast, because people
may not follow. The best idea is to record yourself on a voice
recorder and then listen to yourself speak several times over. It will
give you insight on what you can improve upon in your style of
speaking. When performing in front of people, you need to change
your voice frequently to evoke different emotional states in your
listeners, which will keep them from getting bored or distracted
quickly. You can speak loudly at first, only to start whispering a
moment later to make them curious. You can use different tones of
your voice to accentuate different parts of the speech or to make
people laugh. You can use pauses, so they start imagining what you
want to tell them. The voice is one of the most crucial elements of
public presentations, so put some time into practicing it and play with
it all the time to achieve your goals.
8. Look people in the eyes. If it is a small group of people, you

can look into the eyes of each person. If your group is larger, split it
into some subgroups in your head and switch with your eyes
between selected individuals in the group (then each member of the
subgroup will have the impression that you' re looking at them). Give
your look and attention to all subgroups equally, jumping from one
person to another. Don' t do it too quickly—look in each person’s
eyes for about 3 seconds. At the beginning, it might be quite a
challenge for you, but you will get used to it with time. Thanks to this
your listeners will feel like you are talking directly to them. It’s very
important if you want them to listen carefully.
The points below are the basics of a good performance. W ork on

every one of these points, expanding your knowledge

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and skills. At the earliest opportunity, apply them to your life,

putting this advice into practice.
You might be still wondering about many things, such as how to build
your authority as a speaker, how to put wise suggestions into your
presentation or how to motivate listeners for active participation in
your speech. You will find answers to all these questions below.
9. Fit into the audience. Before you start your presentation,

consider who is going to be listening to you. What types of people
are you are going to deal with? Will they be younger, older, students,
sellers, buyers, CEO’s or nuns? Think about the experiences, beliefs
and values these people might have. Depending on who you will be
talking to, you' re going to use different examples, tell different stories
and refer to different values. Also consider what kind of language
they use in everyday life. You will be speaking completely differently
to a group of friends than you would to a group of, for example,
vendors, bankers, rappers or teachers. Use their vocabulary and you
will quickly establish a good rapport, thanks to which your listeners
will quickly start feeling a stronger bond with you and will want to
listen to you. The creation of such harmony gives amazing effects
and creates amazing relationships between the professional speaker
and the audience.
10. Give motivation. Without it, people won’t need to listen to

what you say. They need to know why this knowledge might be
useful to them. The best situation occurs when there are two
streams of motivation coming at them at once—both emotional and
logical. At the beginning of your speech, you need to explain to them
what the benefits will be (what can they learn, improve, etc.) if they
listen to you carefully. Otherwise, they will feel no such need. If you
build motivation skillfully, you will have their curiosity and attention
provided for the rest of your presentation. Also, tell them why they
need this knowledge. This element places your presentation' s
content in specific contexts of real life. Perhaps they will use it for
building their career, relationships with people or even while

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shopping. Remember to always give them a good reason for

listening to you. Do it at the beginning of your presentation, before
you start to present the prepared material.
11. Refer to your personal experiences. Every one of us has

thousands of diverse life experiences, which can be used as
examples in the presentation. It could be even the most usual
experiences—perhaps some time ago you were stuck in a traffic jam
for a very long time, which helped you observe an interesting social
phenomenon. Perhaps you were talking to a friend and saw a unique
pattern in his behavior. It' s all worth sharing. Why? Because when
you refer to your experiences, two very important things happen.
First of all, the audience knows that you know what you are talking
about not only from books, but also from personal experience.
Automatically you become an authority in the subject, so they want
to listen to you more and believe in what you say. Secondly, they get
tangible proof that what you’re speaking about works and has its
context in real life, as opposed to being just another abstract and
boring theoretical concept. Therefore, you can write down all of your
experiences which you want to share and use them during your
performance .
12. Tell stories. Not only from your own life, but also those found
or heard from someone else. Stories can be used to invoke various
emotional states in your audience. One of the easiest emotional
states to encourage is curiosity. It’s also the state that you will need
most during your presentation. If your audience is curious, they will
listen carefully, craving more. It’s good to include stories related to
the topic that you are expanding on, but they don’t have to be related
directly. After you tell the story, you can explain what it has to do with
your speech, even if the connection is slightly stretched. The story is
not only supposed to illustrate your points, but also to evoke
emotions. Learn the art of storytelling well and play with your voice
and body language. Sometimes you can pause just before the final
moment of climax to make their curiosity grow even bigger. Then you
can change topic and start telling about the main topic of your

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speech, leaving the ending of your story for later and keeping the
audience interested and excited.
13. Whether or not the content of your presentation is a typical self-

development topic, install good stuff in your listeners’
heads. Believing in your authority, they will take most of the
suggestions you put in the presentation for granted. You might want
to take advantage of this! You define your presentation with what you
say. You don’t want to say things like: " I know you are already tired,
but...," because then they will start to feel tired and this is not a good
state for them to be in during your presentation. Instead, you can ask
with a smile, " How are you?" This non-verbally assumes the fact that
they are doing great. They will probably not start to jump with joy all
of a sudden, but they will certainly start feeling better. You can also
state that the topic of your presentation is very interesting. This
works in your favor as opposed to a situation in which you would say,
" I know it' s a bit boring, but...," which would lose the interest of each
and every listener. Pick suggestions that you use carefully. We
suggest something almost all the time, but usually we do it
unconsciously.
14. Never stop developing your public presentation

skills. The fastest way to improve leads, of course, is through
frequent practice. However, if you do not have the option of making
regular public speeches, you can always learn from other great
speakers. You can model them (observe their verbal and non-verbal
patterns and apply them to your own performances). You can use
YouTube to look for world-class public performers and watch their
videos a few or a dozen or more times, carefully watching what
they’re doing. Then you need to see detailed elements of their style.
Notice how they use their voice and how it affects listeners’
emotions. What are they doing with their hands, what gestures do
they normally use and in which context? Notice exactly what they are
saying, what kind of language they are using, how are they
introducing themselves and how they end their performances. By
watching them so many times, you plant the seed of the new skills in

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your brain. To make it grow, step away from your computer and start
to practice speaking in a similar manner to the person you have
watched. Try to imitate their way of speaking. Do so with different
speakers and gain new skills. Focus on only one speaker at a time
and proceed to another one once you see all the patterns in their
behaviors on stage. Don’t worry, you won’t be acting exactly like
them and no one will call you a copycat; the new behaviors will blend
with your own personality, giving you an entirely unique vibe and
style.
15. Ask for feedback. Ask your audience what you did well and
what you could do better during your presentation. It is best to do it
during an individual conversation with the participants; you can also
ask them to send you an email with the feedback. This is the best
way to learn, because you get the opportunity to look at yourself
from a completely different perspective. The audience noticed the
things that you did not notice and their opinion is the most valuable
source of knowledge that will allow you to develop your skills. Ask
them for honesty, because the less awkward they feel giving you
feedback, the better it is for you. If you can, record your presentation
with a video camera or even with a voice recorder. Such material is
also a very valuable source of learning.
16. Have fun! Because if you have fun, your audience will have a
good time too. It will make your presentation stay in their memory for
a long time. Therefore, smile as often as you can, crack jokes, play
with the entire process. Talk about the things that are most
interesting for you. Even if the presentation is about an uninteresting
topic, talk only about the most interesting things and find some
engaging examples. Be fascinated about what you say and the
audience will also be interested. Positive emotions during the
presentation are crucial. Have fun with all you are doing during a
presentation !
Now it's time to practice. Write down each of these points on

a sheet of paper, in the form of a single sentence so you can carry it

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with you. Thanks to this, you will always be aware of what you want
to work with. Of course, do not use all sixteen methods at your next
presentation. Choose three or four elements and practice them
before the presentation so that you are able to successfully apply
them to your life at the earliest opportunity. As soon as you are
successful with those elements, select other ways and start to
practice them as well. Over time you will become a great public
speaker, easily reaching the goals you seek for your presentations.
People will listen to you with fascination and will remember your
speeches for a long time.

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Chapter 22: Create Unique

Personality in Business
Who are you in your professional life? What label do you believe you
have? Regardless of whether you present yourself as a salesperson,
manager, accountant or small business owner, you need to know
that there are specific cognitive schemes behind all these concepts
or labels in the minds of other people.
If you want to build a strong personal brand based on your individual
characteristics and unique skills, you may want to consider creating
a new personality that will be defining you in the way that YOU
choose.
Think of the name tags people use to describe themselves:
manager, headhunter, trader, coach, freelancer, etc. Each of these
concepts is linked to a particular type of social anchor. Not all
associations are beneficial, so pinning such a pre-defined badge to
your chest can sometimes be risky. Sometimes the associations
following a particular title can be positive, while other times it can be
different. It all depends on your title, actual trends and who you are
interacting with.
Is it enough to build a distinctive personal brand on the market?
What about the fact that when you introduce yourself to someone
you will still be a " business coach," " salesman" or “tax lawyer”? You
will fall into one of the drawers in your interlocutor’s head, where
your title is already described in a more or less accurate way.
Even if a particular name on your badge makes you feel proud and
you love wearing it, it will not allow you to create a strong brand
based on your personal individuality.
There are a whole bunch of personal trainers, graphic designers,
managers, physicians, IT engineers, sales people, lawyers,
headhunters and so on—at some stage it can be really edifying to
become one of them, but when you want to take a step further, you

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must go beyond the framework of your name tags. They are very
limiting due to their predetermined place in the minds of people with
whom you will communicate.
Imagine that someone introduces themselves to you. You ask, " What
do you do?" and they reply: " I inspire people and show them how
they can live better every day." The reaction to that response is likely
to be quite different than if the answer was, " I’m a personal trainer."
Thanks to this the person does not receive any predetermined label,
but creates a new scheme in the interlocutor’s mind, thereby
building their individual, personal brand. Useful? You bet.
When I worked as an HR consultant, I conducted a training for one
of the many European cosmetics companies. We came to the
conclusion that the label of a " beautician" is a scheme that often
makes it very hard to succeed in that industry. In that particular
country, this identity was associated with rather average knowledge,
little authority and low experience. It did not help in attracting new
customers. We considered how we can create a new business
personality while getting away from the " beautician" label at the
same time.
The new cognitive scheme was supposed to present a thorough
knowledge, substantial authority and high levels of experience. It
was important to define ways in which employees of the company
would build the new features of a freshly created identity. The first
step was to get away from the " beautician" label—both in the minds
of employees and when talking with clients. Then, a part of the
training was about the technique of creating new features in the
perception of the customer.
At the end, we called the new personality " X YZ Brand Specialist."
Introducing themselves as beauticians, the employees would often
lose the opportunity to establish a long-term cooperation right from
the beginning.
Of course, creation of a new personality in business is always a little
bit risky—if you do not do this consistently and actively, your new
personality can be weaker than one of the already established job

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tags you could also take. It is therefore worth the time to

remember you should not take a name which you can’t
really “feel”.
Now, close your eyes and think about who you would be if there
were no official jobs and labels by which you can specify the
occupations of people in the world. How would you describe who you
are in your professional life, maximally in two sentences?
If some kind of creative answer comes to your mind and you feel
“That’s it!”—perfect! Start to use it and see what kind of
reaction it evokes.
Even if you have already assigned tag of, let’s say, manager due to
your professional position, that does not mean that you need to
present yourself that way to other people. If you do so all the time,
your brand would be lost in the mass of other managers. You can be
a manager in your professional hierarchy, but you can talk about
yourself as of someone who schedules the work of highly
motivated people in order to make them act efficiently
and effectively. Sounds much better and more interesting.
Rethink the pride that comes from telling others about yourself as
someone who is considered " important" . Are you a director or
president of a company? It' s really cool, but does such a label tell
people about who YOU really are? I don' t think so.
Build your personal brand by showing your mission, your
characteristics and your true personality. I like to think of myself as a
guide of sorts , for people who are looking for their path. Other
times, I think of myself as a person who inspires people and
shows them that it is possible to live a fulfilling and happy life.
Recently, I’ve also been known as a creator who uses his creativity
to enrich lives with new ideas. My personal brand varies depending
on what I am focusing on at the moment.

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Who do you think you are, considering what you do for a living?
W hat personal brand can you build? Once you’ve
established this, pay close attention to the reactions of people you
introduce yourself to. Their different reactions will make you smile
many times.

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Bonus Chapter: Effective

N etworking
Think of your social network of professional relationships. Who
accompanies you during your projects? Do you deal with everything
on your own or do you have people to whom, at any time, you can
turn to for help and support?
This is important, as every human you meet during conferences,
seminars, various meetings or a tasty lunch break, may be your next
great business partner. How do we change a new relationship into a
permanent and fruitful professional relationship?
The ability to create networks of contacts can turn out to be a big
accelerator for realization of your goals. It is also a great opportunity
to expand your comfort zone . Getting to know people from
different industries will enrich your general knowledge and will be a
great training of your interpersonal skills.
Networking is most useful in business when you are looking for
business partners, employees or customers. It is also important for
those working regular day jobs, when looking for new employers and
job opportunities, to strengthen their position in the company or
when establishing a new crucial professional relationship.
Here are my eleven tips that greatly help me in establishing new
business relationships, often ending up with the effective joint
implementation of a project.
1 . Be where interesting people are. It' s time to step out of

your house! No excuses that you don' t have time. Just go to a
conference or live event. Look for a club bringing together the
enthusiasts of particular business models, activities or professions. It
is worth looking into LinkedIn’s section of meetings. By selecting
your city, you have the possibility to view the upcoming meetings,

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events, free lectures, conferences, etc. You can also try

meetup.com.
2. Be aware of what kind of relationships you need. The

biggest power in networking lies in the diverse network of contacts.
Imagine that you are building a company and your relationships
support the process of establishing it step by step. When you need
legal advice, you call your lawyer friend. If you have invoicing related
questions, you write a short email to a colleague who is an
accountant. Your friend who works in an interactive agency will
design your company logo, because a few weeks ago you helped
him with something else.
The more diverse your network of contacts gets, the easier it is to
achieve your own goals.
3 . Networking is not about handing out business cards

all the time. This is the least important element. If someone wants
to find you, in today’s online world they will be able to do it even
without this piece of paper. Despite the fact that most people' s
behavior suggests otherwise, the number of business cards handed
out does not correlate with the number of established business
contacts. Give people business cards only if it really creates a new
opportunity. If there is no such need, just leave it in your pocket or
pouch.
Although your business/contact cards are one of the least important
elements of the jigsaw puzzle, if you choose to use them, they
should of course be well prepared. Both the material on which
they’re printed as well as graphic design should show that you care
about the details and the high quality of what you are doing. It would
be best if you hired a professional graphic designer to come up with
a simple and creative business card design for you. It is worth
putting your photo on the card—this will reinforce the mnemonic
trace of you. Always use the best quality paper for your contact
cards. The devil’s in the details.

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4 . Be the initiator. Don’t let excuses stop you from acting! Most
people are always open for exchanging a few sentences or even for
a longer chat. As the initiator of the conversations, you get the frame
of a leader. Your conversation partner will have the impression that
they’re talking with a self-confident person for whom approaching
people and building a network of contacts is a piece of cake. At
conferences, I often start conversations by asking a loose, non-
binding question such as, " Which presentation have you enjoyed
most so far?" Notice how that question directs an interlocutor to
enter into a positive emotional state .
If you are at a conference and would like to speak to one of the
speakers, simply go to them while they’re on a break and ask them a
few questions connected with their occupation.
Here’s how you do it. You approach a person and say, “Hi, I' m (your
name). What brought you here?” It’s one of these universal
questions that can always be asked. Then you wait for an answer,
and reply, for instance: “How do you guys know each other?” (if
there’s more than one person or you noticed that person talking to
anyone else) or any other generic question. Then you follow up with
what comes naturally in the conversation, for example, “That’s cool,
so what do you do?” A good idea might be to also make a statement
about who that person is, if you have something positive to say. For
example: “I get the impression that you are a very easy-going and
relaxed, yet very professional person and you’re really serious about
what you do.” Of course, you shouldn’t use that if you just started
talking to someone and don’t know anything at all about them, but if
you’ve heard something about that person before, been talking for a
few minutes or that person was giving a lecture, speech or
presentation, that’s a great way to lead the conversation. Always
remember to ask just a couple of questions and then make a
statement with what they said, as no one likes to be interrogated.
If you want or have to exit the conversation, just say, “It was a
pleasure to meet you. Thanks for chatting and see you around!”
Don’t hold yourself back! People will be happy to talk to you (even
famous people and main event guests, if they have enough time)

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and it may emerge into something precious and important. Easy

peasy.
5 . Put relationship before profits. It is surprising how often

people focus solely on the possibility of achieving benefits from
relationships, both in casual relationships and professional
networking. When building a network of contacts, the most important
thing is the relationship with another human being. People like
doing business with people they know and like.
Therefore, the option of cooperating or exchanging favors in one way
or another should be put on the back burner.
If you have the opportunity to speak with a newly met person for only
a few minutes, focus on getting to know each other. If you want, try
to arrange a next meeting at the end of the conversation, but wait a
little bit until you roll the heavy cannons out. When I meet energetic
people full of ideas, I want first to get to know them better. I won’t
decide on working with someone I do not really know.
When you have some very important business on your mind and you
really can' t wait to share it, do not beat around the bush—be
straightforward and do not try to come by using “magic bullets,”
“smoothly” and " accidentally" bumping into the topic that interest you
the most. Networking often takes the form of a purely business
conversation, without a real foundation of personal relationship.
Sometimes it can be okay, but it will be much harder to build a long-
term cooperation on that foundation.
6 . Focus on the human element. Open up to people. Listen to

them carefully and take notes in your mind to remember what is
important for them in their life. Ask them interesting questions. Let
them tell you about their projects, passions or dreams.
Don' t think you have to talk much to make people like you. This is an
incorrect assumption. The ability to listen is MUCH more important
here. Be sincerely interested and you' ll make the impression of a
trustworthy interlocutor.

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Tell them about your passions and projects when you are asked
about them if the opportunity arises. If you wait for a moment when
you can finally put in the story about yourself, you become distracted
and lose the ability to truly concentrate on what your interlocutor
says.
After all, the contents of your conversation is not what really matters;
it’s about the quality of your contact. If something sparks, you will
surely feel it.
7 . Always aim at win- win . This means intentionally leading to

situations where both sides benefit, not only you. In addition, be the
first who adds value . Before the actual opportunity to establish a
new business relationship, you should have a list of things that you
can offer these people to improve their situation. It can be
knowledge, contacts, skills, time, advice and even a product or
service. It is possible that during the conversation it turns out that
your interlocutors have a problem or challenge ahead of them. If
possible, try to help them, sharing with them your perspective, ideas
or resources. This is how Caldini’s norm of reciprocity works. People
whom you helped will feel the strong urge to help you .
8. Be honest. Authenticity is a rare feature which can help you to
establish fruitful professional relationships. Do not try to build a
network of contacts based on a personality that is not really yours or
one that is pretending to be someone else. Working together with
someone who thinks that you are someone else than you really are
is not the best idea. I’m not necessarily talking about just saying that
you’re a rocket scientist when you’re really a clerk, but rather telling
someone things just to show yourself from a good angle, but far from
the actual truth.
Even if you think that lying or saying half-truths in a given situation
will be good for you because, for instance, you will sell more
products or you' ll get a faster promotion, do not entertain this illusion
—in many cases it will ultimately turn against you. Solid businesses
are always created on the foundation of true and honest
relationships.

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9 . Take care of the already established contacts. This

does not mean you have to meet with each person once a week. It is
important, however, that once a relationship has been established, it
should not be completely neglected. Otherwise, it will eventually
shrink and vanish. It' s always been a big challenge for me because
of the number of projects I usually deal with, but I found that it does
not necessarily require large amounts of time.
You can go with little follow-ups or “reminder” e-mails. Write a short
message and ask what' s going on. Minimalist version: " Hey, we met
two days ago at the X YZ in ABC . How is your first day of a new work
week? You are probably hustling to launch your new project soon.
Thanks a lot for the great tips on Q Q Q . It was nice to meet you and I
hope to talk to you face to face in the near future. In case I could
somehow lend you a helpful hand, let me know.” You can also
propose a concrete date of appointment or a brief conversation on
Skype.
1 0. Have a neat record of your contacts. Just a simple
spreadsheet in Excel is enough. Divide it into categories so you can
quickly find the person you are looking for. Save all the relevant
information: name and surname, phone number, e-mail address,
web sites, and if necessary, any additional comments. Add a small
photo of that person if you can .
From time to time, browse your registry to keep up to date. It will be
much easier for you to decide whether it would be worth contacting
someone, if you did not do so for a long period of time.
1 1 . Find people close to you with a large number of

contacts. They can be a sort of " door" to new relationships. Take a
look. Maybe you already have someone like this in your
surroundings. In a situation where you need a person that works in a
specific occupation, simply ask about it. Remember the classic
principle of reciprocity and share your contacts as well.
Remember— always put people and real, sincere
relationships with them in first place. Let the potential

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profits and benefits remain on the second plan and they will come
with time.

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Conclusion
It doesn’t take rocket science to figure out that effective
communication is the most important skill to learn and master as a
human being. I truly hope this book was able to bring you closer to
this goal and to inspire you. Remember, the most effective
communicators on this planet (historical, spiritual and new
movement leaders, politicians and dictators with big impacts, hero
spies, the best teachers, legendary seducers, celebrities loved by
masses, big company owners, good parents, popular YouTubers,
writers, journalists, psychotherapists, stand-up comedians, actors…)
were not usually just born that way! Communication is a skill like any
other and it can be trained. If others can do it, so can you!
I wish you all the best on your journey and hope you will get there
soon! Remember: you are who you stick with, so the sooner you
start socializing with people who also want to be effective
communicators, the better. Look for your local Toastmasters or
rhetoric group, practice with a mirror and camera, read more books
about social psychology and body language and never stop growing!
The main prize is totally worth it! I believe in you!
One last thing before you go— can I ask you a favor? I
need your help! If you like this book, could you please
share your experience HERE on Amazon and write an
honest review? It will take just a minute of your time ( I
will be happy even with one sentence!) , but would be a
GREAT help for me. Since I’m not a well-established author and
I don’t have powerful people and big publishing companies
supporting me, I read every single review and jump with joy like a
little kid every time my readers comment on my books and give me
their honest feedback! If I was able to inspire you in any way, please
let me know! It will also help me get my books in front of more
people looking for new ideas and useful knowledge.

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If you did not enjoy the book or had a problem with it, please don’t
hesitate to contact me at contact@ mindfulnessforsuccess.com and
tell me how I can improve it to provide more value and more
knowledge to my readers. I’m constantly working on my books to
make them better and more helpful .
Thank you and good luck! I believe in you and I wish you all the best
on your new journey!
Your friend,
Ian
M y Free G ift to You – G et One of M y Audiobooks For Free!
If you' ve never created an account on Audible (the biggest audiobook store in the
world), you can claim one free audiobook of mine !
It's a simple process:
1. Pick one of my audiobooks on Audible:
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Shortened link: http://tinyurl.com/IanTuhovskyAudiobooks
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Also, if you haven’t downloaded your free book already:

Discover How to Get Rid of Stress & Anxiety and Reach Inner
Peace in 20 Days or Less!

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To help speed up your personal transformation, I have prepared a special gift for
you!
Download my full, 1 20 page e- book “Mindfulness Based Stress and
Anxiety Management Tools” for free by clicking here.
Link:
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Hey there like-minded friends, let’s get connected!
Don’t hesitate to visit:
-My Blog: www.mindfulnessforsuccess.com
-My Facebook fanpage: https://www.facebook.com/mindfulnessforsuccess
-My Instagram profile: https://instagram.com/mindfulnessforsuccess
-My Amazon profile: amazon.com/author/iantuhovsky
I hope to see you there!

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Recommended Reading for

You:
If you are interested in Self-Development, Psychology, Social Dynamics, PR, Soft
Skills, Spirituality and related topics, you might be interested in previewing or
downloading my other books:
Emotional Intelligence Training: A

Practical Guide to Making Friends with
Your Emotions and Raising Your EQ
Do you believe your life would be healthier, happier and even

better, if you had more practical strategies to regulate your own
emotions?
Most people agree with that.
Or, more importantly:
Do you believe you'd be healthier and happier if everyone who you

live with had the strategies to regulate their emotions?
...Right?
The truth is not too many people actually realize what EQ is really all about and
what causes its popularity to grow constantly.
Scientific research conducted by many American and European universities prove

that the “common” intelligence responses account for less than 20%
of our life achievements and successes, while the other over 80%

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depends on emotional intelligence. To put it roughly: either you are

emotionally intelligent, or you’re doomed to mediocrity, at best.
As opposed to the popular image, emotionally intelligent people are not the ones
who react impulsively and spontaneously, or who act lively and fiery in all types of
social environments.
Emotionally intelligent people are open to new experiences, can show feelings
adequate to the situation, either good or bad, and find it easy to socialize with
other people and establish new contacts. They handle stress well, say “no” easily,
realistically assess the achievements of themselves or others and are not afraid of
constructive criticism and taking calculated risks. They are the people of
success. Unfortunately, this perfect model of an emotionally intelligent person is
extremely rare in our modern times.
Sadly, nowadays, the amount of emotional problems in the world is

increasing at an alarming rate. We are getting richer, but less and less
happy. Depression, suicide, relationship breakdowns, loneliness of choice, fear of
closeness, addictions— this is clear evidence that we are getting increasingly
worse when it comes to dealing with our emotions.
Emotional intelligence is a SKILL, and can be learned through

constant practice and training, just like riding a bike or swimming!
This book is stuffed with lots of effective exercises, helpful info

and practical ideas.
Every chapter covers different areas of emotional intelligence and shows

you, step by step , what exactly you can do to develop your EQ and
become the better version of yourself .
I will show you how freeing yourself from the domination of left-sided brain thinking
can contribute to your inner transformation— the emotional revolution that
will help you redefine who you are and what you really want from
life!
In This Book I'll Show You:
• What Is Emotional Intelligence and What Does EQ Consist of?

• How to Observe and Express Your Emotions
• How to Release Negative Emotions and Empower the Positive Ones
• How to Deal with Your Internal Dialogues

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• How to Deal with the Past

• How to Forgive Yourself and How to Forgive Others
• How to Free Yourself from Other People’s Opinions and Judgments
• What Are " Submodalities" and How Exactly You Can Use Them to Empower
Yourself and Get Rid of Stress
• The Nine Things You Need to Stop Doing to Yourself
• How to Examine Your Thoughts
• Internal Conflicts Troubleshooting Technique
• The Lost Art of Asking Yourself the Right Q uestions and Discovering Your
True Self!
• How to Create Rich Visualizations
• LOTS of practical exercises from the mighty arsenal of psychology, family
therapy, NLP etc.
• And many, many more!
Direct Buy Link to Amazon Kindle Store :

https://tinyurl.com/IanEQTrainingKindle
Paperback version on Createspace:

https://tinyurl.com/ianEQpaperback

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Self- Discipline: Mental Toughness Mindset:

Increase Your Grit and Focus to Become a
Highly Productive ( and Peaceful!) Person
This Mindset and Exercises W ill Help You Build Everlasting Self-
Discipline and U nbeatable W illpower
Imagine that you have this rare kind of power that enables you to maintain iron
resolve, crystal clarity, and everyday focus to gradually realize all of your dreams
by consistently ticking one goal after another off your to-do list.
Way too often, people and their minds don' t really play in one team.
W ouldn’t that be profoundly life- changing to utilize that power to

make the best partners with your brain?
This rare kind of power is a mindset. The way you think, the way you perceive and
handle both the world around you and your inner reality, will ultimately determine
the quality of your life.
A single shift in your perception can trigger meaningful results.
Life can be tough. Whenever we turn, there are obstacles blocking our way. Some
are caused by our environment, and some by ourselves. Yet, we all know people
who are able to overcome them consistently, and, simply speaking, become
successful. And stay there!
What really elevates a regular Joe or Jane to superhero status is the laser-sharp
focus, perseverance, and the ability to keep on going when everyone else would
have quit.
I have, for a long time, studied the lives of the most disciplined people on this
planet. In this book, you are going to learn their secrets.
No matter if your goals are financial, sport, relationship, or habit-changing oriented,
this book covers it all.

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Today, I want to share with you the science-based insights and field-tested
methods that have helped me, my friends, and my clients change their lives and
become real-life go-getters.
Here are some of the things you will learn from this book:
• W hat the “positive thinking trap” means, and how exactly should you
use the power of positivity to actually help yourself instead of holding yourself
back?
• What truly makes us happy and how does that relate to success? Is it money?
Social position? Friends, family? Health? No. There’s actually something
bigger, deeper, and much more fundamental behind our happiness.
You will be surprised to find out what the factor that ultimately drives us and keeps
us going is, and this discovery can greatly improve your life.
• W hy our W estern perception of both happiness and success are
fundamentally wrong , and how those misperceptions can kill your chances of
succeeding?
• W hy relying on willpower and motivation is a very bad idea, and
what to hold on to instead? This is as important as using only the best
gasoline in a top-grade sports car. Fill its engine with a moped fuel and keep the
engine oil level low, and it won’t get far. Your mind is this sports car engine. I will
show you where to get this quality fuel from.
• You will learn what the common denominator of the most
successful and disciplined people on this planet is – Navy SEALS
and other special forces, Shaolin monks, top performing CEOs and Athletes, they,
in fact, have a lot in common. I studied their lives for a long time, and now, it’s time
to share this knowledge with you.
• Why your entire life can be viewed as a piece of training, and what are the
rules of this training?
• What the XX-th century Russian Nobel-Prize winner and long-forgotten genius
Japanese psychotherapist can teach you about the importance of your
emotions and utilizing them correctly in your q uest to becoming a
self- disciplined and a peaceful person?
• How modern science can help you overcome temptation and empower
your will , and why following strict and inconvenient diets or regimens can
actually help you achieve your goals in the end?
• How can you win by failing and why giving up on some of your goals
can actually be a good thing?
• How do we often become our own biggest enemies in achieving our goals
and how to finally change it?
• How to maintain your success once you achieve it?

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Direct Buy Link to Amazon Kindle Store :

http://tinyurl.com/IanMentalToughness

http://tinyurl.com/IanMTPaperbac k
Confidence: Your Practical Training: How

To Develop Healthy Self- Esteem and Deep
Self Confidence to Be Successful and
Become True Friends W ith Yourself
Have you ever considered how many opportunities you

have missed and how many chances you have wasted
by lacking self- confidence when you need it most?
Have you ever given up on your plans, important goals, and dreams
not because you just decided to focus on something else, but
simply because you were too SCARED or hesitant to
even start, or stick up to the plan and keep going?
Are you afraid of starting your own business or asking for a

promotion? Petrified of public speaking, socializing, dating, taking up
new hobbies, or going to job interviews?

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Can you imagine how amazing and relieving it would

feel to finally obtain all the self-esteem needed to accomplish
things you' ve always wanted to achieve in your life?
Finally, have you ever found yourself in a situation

where you simply couldn’t understand W HY you acted
in a certain way, or why you kept holding yourself back
and feeling all the bad emotions, instead of just going
for what’s the most important to you?
Due to early social conditioning and many other influences, most

people on this planet are already familiar with all these feelings.
W AY TOO FAMILIAR!
I know how it feels, too. I was in the same exact place.
And then, I found the way!

It' s high time you did something about it too because, truth be told,
self-confident people just have it way easier in every single aspect of
life!
From becoming your own boss or succeeding in your career, through

dating and socializing, to starting new hobbies, standing up for
yourself or maybe finally packing your suitcase and going on this
Asia trip you promised yourself decades ago… All too often,
people fail in these q uests as they aren’t eq uipped with
the natural and lasting self- confidence to deal with
them in a proper way.
Confidence is not useful only in everyday life and casual situations.

Do you really want to fulfill your wildest dreams, or do you just want
to keep chatting about them with your friends, until one day you
wake up as a grumpy, old, frustrated person?
Big achievements require brave and fearless actions. If you want to
act bravely, you need to be confident.

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Along with lots of useful, practical exercises, this book

will provide you with plenty of new information that will
help you understand what confidence problems really
come down to. And this is the most important and the
saddest part, because most people do not truly
recognize the root problem, and that’s why they get
poor results.
Lack of self-confidence and problems with unhealthy self-esteem are

usually the reason why smart, competent, and talented people never
achieve a satisfying life; a life that should easily be possible for them.
In this book, you will read about:

-How, when, and why society robs us all of natural confidence and
healthy self-esteem.
-What kind of social and psychological traps you need to avoid in
order to feel much calmer, happier, and more confident.
-What “natural confidence” means and how it becomes natural.
-What “self-confidence” really is and what it definitely isn’t (as
opposed to what most people think!).
-How your mind hurts you when it really just wants to help you, and
how to stop the process.
-What different kinds of fear we feel, where they come from, and how
to defeat them.
-How to have a great relationship with yourself.
-How to use stress to boost your inner strength.
-Effective and ineffective ways of building healthy self-esteem.
-Why the relation between self-acceptance and stress is so crucial.
-How to stay confident in professional situations.
-How to protect your self-esteem when life brings you down, and
how to deal with criticism and jealousy.
-How to use neuro-linguistic programming, imagination,
visualizations, diary entries, and your five senses to re-program your
subconscious and get rid of “mental viruses” and detrimental beliefs
that actively destroy your natural confidence and healthy self-
esteem.

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Direct Buy Link to Amazon Kindle Store:

https://tinyurl.com/IanConfidenceTraining
https://tinyurl.com/IanConfidencePaperback V
Mindfulness: The Most Effective

Techniq ues: Connect W ith Your Inner Self
to Reach Your Goals Easily and Peacefully
Mindfulness is not about complicated and otherworldly woo- woo

spiritual practices. It doesn't req uire you to be a part of any
religion or a movement.
W hat mindfulness is about is living a good life ( that's q uite

practical, right?) , and this book is all about deepening your
awareness, getting to know yourself , and developing attitudes and mental
habits that will make you not only a successful and effective person in life, but a
happy and wise one as well.
If you have ever wondered what the mysterious words " mindfulness" means and
why would anyone bother, you have just found your (detailed) answer!
This book will provide you with actionable steps and valuable information, all in
plain English, so all of your doubts will be soon gone.
In my experience, nothing has proven as simple and yet effective and

powerful as the daily practice of mindfulness.
It has helped me become more decisive, disciplined, focused, calm, and just a
happier person.
I can come as far as to say that mindfulness has transformed me into a success.

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Now, it's your turn.

There' s nothing to lose, and so much to win!
The payoff is nothing less than transforming your life into its true
potential.
W hat you will learn from this book:
-What exactly does the word " mindfulness" mean, and why should it become an
important word in your dictionary?
-How taking as little as five minutes a day to clear your mind might result in
steering your life towards great success and becoming a much more fulfilled
person? ...and how the heck can you " clear your mind" exactly?
-What are the most interesting, effective, and not well- known
mindfulness techniq ues for success that I personally use to stay on the
track and achieve my goals daily while feeling calm and relaxed?
-W here to start and how to slowly get into mindfulness to avoid unnecessary
confusion?
-What are the scientifically proven profits of a daily mindfulness practice?
-How to develop the so- called " Nonjudgmental Awareness" to win

with discouragement and negative thoughts, stick to the practice and keep
becoming a more focused, calm, disciplined, and peaceful person on a daily
basis?
-What are the most common problems experienced by practitioners of

mindfulness and meditation, and how to overcome them?
-How to meditate and just how easy can it be?
-What are the most common mistakes people keep doing when trying to
get into meditation and mindfulness? How to avoid them?
-Real life tested steps to apply mindfulness to everyday life to become

happier and much more successful person?
-What is the relation between mindfulness and life success? How to use
mindfulness to become much more effective in your life and achieve your goals
much easier?
-W hat to do in life when just about everything seems to go wrong?
-How to become a more patient and disciplined person ?

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Stop existing and start living.

Start changing your life for the better today.
DOW NLOAD FOR FREE on Amazon Kindle Store:

myBook.to/IanMindfulnessGuide

http://tinyurl.com/IanMindfulnessGuid e
Meditation for Beginners: How to Meditate

( as an Ordinary Person!) to Relieve Stress
and Be Successful
Meditation doesn’t have to be about crystals, hypnotic folk music and incense
sticks!
Forget about sitting in unnatural and uncomfortable positions
while going, " Ommmmm...." It is not necessarily a club full of yoga masters,
Shaolin monks, hippies and new-agers.
It is a super useful and universal practice which can improve your
overall brain performance and happiness. When meditating, you take
a step back from actively thinking your thoughts, and instead see them for what
they are. The reason why meditation is helpful in reducing stress and attaining
peace is that it gives your over-active consciousness a break.
Just like your body needs it, your mind does too!
I give you the gift of peace that I was able to attain through present moment
awareness.
https://tinyurl.com/IanMeditationGuide
http://tinyurl.com/ianmeditationpaperback

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Z en: Beginner’s Guide: Happy, Peaceful

and Focused Lifestyle for Everyone
Contrary to popular belief, Zen is not a discipline reserved for monks practicing
Kung Fu. Although there is some truth to this idea, Zen is a practice that is
applicable, useful and pragmatic for anyone to study regardless of what religion
you follow (or don’t follow).
Zen is the practice of studying your subconscious and seeing your true
nature.
The purpose of this work is to show you how to apply and utilize the teachings and
essence of Zen in everyday life in the Western society. I’m not really an “absolute
truth seeker” unworldly type of person— I just believe in practical plans and
blueprints that actually help in living a better life. Of course I will tell you about the
origin of Zen and the traditional ways of practicing it, but I will also show you my
side of things, my personal point of view and translation of many Zen truths into a
more “contemporary” and practical language.
It is a “modern Z en lifestyle” type of book.
W hat You W ill Read About:
• Where Did Zen Come from? - A short history and explanation of Zen
• What Does Zen Teach? - The major teachings and precepts of Zen
• Various Zen meditation techniques that are applicable and practical for
everyone!
• The Benefits of a Zen Lifestyle
• What Zen Buddhism is NOT?
• How to Slow Down and Start Enjoying Your Life
• How to Accept Everything and Lose Nothing
• Why Being Alone Can Be Beneficial
• Why Pleasure Is NOT Happiness
• Six Ways to Practically Let Go
• How to De-clutter Your Life and Live Simply
• " Mindfulness on Steroids"

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• How to Take Care of Your Awareness and Focus

• Where to Start and How to Practice Zen as a Regular Person
• And many other interesting concepts...
I invite you to take this journey into the peaceful world of Zen Buddhism with me
today!

https://tinyurl.com/IanZ enGuide
http://tinyurl.com/IanZ enPaperback V
Buddhism: Beginner's Guide: Bring Peace

and Happiness to Your Everyday Life
Buddhism is one of the most practical and simple belief systems on

this planet, and it has greatly helped me on my way to become a
better person in every aspect possible. In this book I will show
you what happened and how it was.
N o matter if you are totally green when it comes to Buddha' s
teachings or maybe you have already heard something about
them— this book will help you systematiz e your knowledge and
will inspire you to learn more and to take steps to make your life
positively better!
I invite you to take this beautiful journey into the graceful and
meaningful world of Buddhism with me today!
Direct link to Amazon Kindle Store:
https://tinyurl.com/IanBuddhismGuide

lOMoARcPSD|9205553

http://tinyurl.com/ianbuddhismpaperback

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About The Author

Author’s Blog: www.mindfulnessforsuccess.com
Amazon Author Page:

http://www.amazon.com/author/iantuhovsky/
Hi! I’m Ian…

. . . and I am interested in life. I am in the study of having an
awesome and passionate life, which I believe is within the reach of
practically everyone. I’m not a mentor or a guru. I’m just a guy who
always knew there was more than we are told. I managed to turn my
life around from way below my expectations to a really satisfying
one, and now I want to share this fascinating journey with you so that
you can do it, too.
I was born and raised somewhere in Eastern Europe, where Polar

Bears eat people on the streets, we munch on snow instead of ice
cream and there’s only vodka instead of tap water, but since I make

lOMoARcPSD|9205553
a living out of several different businesses, I move to a new country

every couple of months. I also work as an HR consultant for various
European companies.
I love self-development, traveling, recording music and providing

value by helping others. I passionately read and write about social
psychology, sociology, meditation, mindfulness, eastern philosophy,
emotional intelligence, time management, communication skills and
all of the topics related to conscious self-development and being the
most awesome version of yourself.
Breathe. Relax. Feel that you’re alive and smile. And never hesitate
to contact me!
[ 1] Mehrabian, Albert; Wiener, Morton (1967). Decoding of Inconsistent

Communications. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology 6 ( 1 ) : 109–114
Mehrabian, Albert; Ferris, Susan R. (1967). Inference of Attitudes from Non-verbal
Communication in Two Channels. Journal of Consulting Psychology 3 1 ( 3 ) :
248–252
[ 2] https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Otaku
[ 3]
Gilbert, D.T., & Malone, P.S., (1995). The correspondence bias. Psychological Bulletin, 117, 21-38.
[ 4] Loewenstein, G.; O' Donoghue, T.; Rabin, M. (1 November 2003). " Projection Bias in Predicting Future
Utility" . The Q uarterly Journal of Economics 1 1 8 (4): 1209–1248

[ 5] Harvey, J.H., Town, J.P., & Yarkin, K.L. (1981). How fundamental is “the fundamental attribution error”?
Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 40(2), 346-349.
[ 6] http://conium.org/~ ucbpl/docs/42-Emotional% 20suppression93.pdf
[ 7] http://ist-socrates.berkeley.edu/~ ucbpl/docs/51-Hiding% 20Feelings97.pdf
[ 8] http://www.scholarpedia.org/article/Mirror_ neurons

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[ 9] http://www.kuleuven.be/mirrorneuronsystem/readinglist/Rizzolatti% 20& % 20Craighero% 202004% 20-

% 20The% 20MNS% 20-% 20ARN.pdf

Communication Skills Training Ian Tuhovsky

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Communication Skills Training - Ian Tuhovsky

Technical Communication (Mahatma Gandhi University)

StuDocu is not sponsored or endorsed by any college or university

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Communication Skills Training

Copyright © 2015-2017 by Ian Tuhovsky

Author’s Amazon profile: amazon.com/author/iantuhovsky

Instagram profile: https://instagram.com/mindfulnessforsuccess

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I will be very happy to hear from you, because that’s

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Chapter 20: How to Finally Start Remembering Names?

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Effective communication— exactly what makes human

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your self- confidence, soft skills, career, relationships

Have you ever considered how many times you intuitively

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of my lame communication skills and lack of intuition in

V erbal communication is the most basic kind of communication

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Q uality is infinite as an indicator. This simply means that if you keep

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The first steps of this journey are: awareness (knowledge of your

Verbal vs. N on- Verbal Communication – A Little Debunking

Most participants of interpersonal communication skills, negotiations

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that the group consisted only of women, there was fragmentary

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Non-verbal messages complement verbal messages, being non-

Now that we’ve covered all this, let’s start learning

Your Free Mindfulness E- book

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To download your e- book, please visit:

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Part I: The Right Attitude and a

1 . Everybody Has a Different Map of the W orld

That is the reason why every person sees reality

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2. There Are Positive Intentions Behind Every Human

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Even if they aren’t innocent, it will give you a much better

3 . It Is Impossible Not to Communicate

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Chapter 1: How Do Our Mental

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Very famous picture. Duck or rabbit? Depending on who’s looking at

Albert Einstein or Marilyn Monroe? Depending on the lighting, the

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Every Belief Is a Source of Specific Behaviors

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If you want to make a change in how your sensory filters operate,

These adjustments cause the biggest and the most

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Chapter 2: A Map Is N ot Actual

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Everyone is right according to their own map of the

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should always choose your messages carefully and take your