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Healthy Communication With Your Partner: Amanda Thomas
Healthy Communication With Your Partner: Amanda Thomas
AMANDA THOMAS
Copyright © 2023 Amanda Thomas. All rights reserved.
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Introduction 7
APPENDIX A
Worksheet: I 169
Worksheet: How to Forgive 173
QUIZ: Communication Style Self-Assessment
Questionnaire 179
Worksheet: Active Listening 185
Worksheet: Mindfulness Breathing 189
Worksheet: Identifying Boundaries in Your
Relationship 191
QUIZ: Am I Impatient? 195
Notes 199
I NT R O D U C T I O N
— ANONYMOUS
“Really?! Can’t you even take care of your own dirty dishes? You
open the dishwasher door and put stuff in it. That’s how that
works! Dishes do not magically go inside them!”
“You’ll get to it? When? When the kids are all grown up?”
“STOP! Do not use that excuse. We both have full-time jobs, and
somehow I manage to plan meals, do the groceries, cook dinner,
and get the kids fed. You come home and feed yourself and cannot
even put the dishes in the dishwasher!”
“God, you exhaust me, Greg! You know this annoys me, but you
never listen. You don’t change because you don’t care. You take me
for granted and wait around until I pick up after you!”
“Okay.”
“But clearly you are not, so why don’t you just say you’re mad if
you’re mad.”
“Fine! I’m mad. This dinner is important to me, and it’s been on
our schedule for a month.”
“So?”
“What?!”
“You are not supportive because this dinner is about me, not you.”
Greg and I would be like this for years, and with each
conflict, we grew further and further apart. One night, the
house was eerily quiet. Our eldest was in his early teens and
having a sleepover with friends, while our youngest was in
her room sleeping. Greg was in the living room watching
something, and I sat beside him on the couch. We were both
quiet. It hit me that it was not the comfortable silence shared
by a happy, loving couple. It was the uneasy, awkward
silence between two people who really had nothing to say to
each other.
“Me either.”
“I just said it; he doesn’t put his dirty dishes in the dishwasher.”
“Okay, but what was it REALLY about? What did those dirty
dishes represent to you?”
“Yes.”
12 | I NT RO D U CT I O N
started the change for us. Still, it would take time, a book‐
shelf worth of relationship self-help books, countless
relationship forums, and various advice from couples we
admired and respected to get our relationship back on track.
I hope, dear reader, you will let ME be that someone for you.
If you are tired of fighting and shedding tears, fed up with all
the conflict, and want to stop feeling alone in your rela‐
tionship …
Then please turn the page and keep on reading till the end.
Amanda Thomas
“You do not blame your shadow for the shape of your body.
Just the same: Do not blame others for the shape of your
experience.”
— GILLIAN DUCE
W HAT I S BL AME?
When you blame your partner, you pick their specific behav‐
ior, judge it as bad or wrong, and take it to mean that they
did it on purpose!
W H Y W E B L AME…
So, now that you know what blaming is and why you or your
partner might be doing it, it is time to learn why blaming is
NOT the answer to your relationship problems.
A N D W H Y WE SHOULDN’T
But This, Instead: “I feel disregarded when … or I feel like I’m not
being heard when …”
But This, Instead: “I need help with dinner. Can you please help?”
WORKSHEET: I
Moving from “You” to “I” takes practice. Check out the “I”
Worksheet in Appendix A to start making it a habit.
H E A LT H Y CO M M U N I C AT I O N WITH YOUR PARTNER | 27
4. Practice the 50/50 rule. Life does not just happen to you,
and your relationship is not the sole responsibility of your
partner. So, when problems arise, ask yourself questions
such as:
WORKSHEET: Forgiveness
H OW T O “ S P E A K ” T O I M P R OV E
YO U R R E L AT I O N S H I P
— TONY ROBBINS
not WHAT you are saying but HOW you and your partner
are communicating.
T H E F I V E COMMUNICATION STYLES
Passive Communication
Here are some examples of what people might say under this
communication style:
Aggressive Communication
“I don’t care what you think; this is how it’s going to be.”
H E A LT H Y CO M M U N I C AT I O N WITH YOUR PARTNER | 37
“What’s wrong with you? Why can’t you ever do anything right?”
Passive-Aggressive Communication
“Oh, don’t worry about me. I’ll just stay here and finish all the
work by myself.”
38 | A M A N DA TH O M A S
“You’re so lucky just to go out and have fun while I stay here and
do all the work.”
Assertive Communication
“I need your help with this task. Can you please assist me?”
“I feel hurt when you speak to me in that tone. Can we discuss how
we can communicate more respectfully?”
QUIZ:
smiling
maintaining eye contact
standing up straight
open and relaxed posture
nodding or tilting the head to show interest
leaning slightly towards the person speaking
H E A LT H Y CO M M U N I C AT I O N WITH YOUR PARTNER | 43
holding hands
embracing/Hugging
kissing, even a quick peck on the cheek
cuddling/Snuggling
giving each other massages
46 | A M A N DA T H O M A S
TO P 5 CO M MUNICATION MISTAKES IN
R E L AT I O N S HIPS
When you are used to blaming, you are not used to listening.
So how do you change this habit? Check out the Active
Listening Worksheet in Appendix A.
For example, saying, “I can’t believe you did that! How could you
be so thoughtless and selfish? You always do this, and it’s really
starting to get on my nerves. I’m so sick of it!” is expressing anger
and frustration in an attacking and accusatory way. Instead,
say, “I feel hurt and frustrated about what happened. It’s important
that we consider each other’s feelings and needs. Can we discuss
how to work together to prevent this from happening again?”
48 | A M A N DA T H O M A S
M A S T E R I N G E M PAT H Y I N
C O M M U N I C AT I O N
— ALFRED ADLER
For example, say you have had a long day at work, and all
you want to do is go home, hit the shower, and decompress.
However, upon arriving, you see your partner doubled over
on the couch from stomach flu. You suddenly feel the need
to take care of them. You want to do what you can to make
them feel better, and your focus shifts to them.
If, on the other hand, the question makes them open up and
share a lot, give them the time and space to do so. Let them
control the conversation.
5. Step into their shoes. Now is the time for reflection and
gaining a deeper understanding of your partner. Using the
mac n’ cheese example above, suppose your partner elabo‐
rated that the meal brings back unhappy memories of
poverty; mac ‘n cheese in a box was all they ate for a time.
H E A LT H Y CO M M U N I C AT I O N WITH YOUR PARTNER | 55
If you watched the movie Avatar, you must have heard the
phrase “I see you” in the movie. The Na’vi people use the
phrase to greet and acknowledge another person’s presence
and inner spirit.
For the Na’vi, the phrase “I see you” represents a deeper level
of seeing. It is not just about someone’s physical presence; it
implies recognizing the other person’s inner, authentic self.
“I see you” means I see who you are, I understand you, and I
accept you.
Example: “Thank you for sharing this with me, honey. It must’ve
been difficult, and it’s important, so I know this stays between us.”
Example: “I can’t imagine how difficult this is, babe. But I know
you’ve been through something similar, so I have complete faith
you’ll get through this too.”
5. Check-in. After some time, ask your partner how they are
doing. This shows your ongoing concern for their well-
being.
Example: “How are you today, babe? Let me know if you want to
talk more about it or would like some space. Either way, I’m here.”
H E A LT H Y CO M M U N I C AT I O N WITH YOUR PARTNER | 57
Tip: If this is not the first time you have wanted to talk about
a particular topic, think about the last time you did and see
where you might not have been as assertive or empathic as
you could have been.
In this example, you are honest with your partner about how
their behavior affects you while showing empathy for their
perspective by acknowledging that things can come up
unexpectedly.
For example, say you and your partner have different ideas
about how to spend your weekend. You want to take a
H E A LT H Y CO M M U N I C AT I O N WITH YOUR PARTNER | 59
C O M M U N I C AT I N G W IT H
E M O T I O N A L I NT E LLI G E N C E
— JOHN. M. GOTTMAN
B U I LD I N G YOUR SELF-AWARENESS
“The only person you can control is yourself. You alone have
the power to choose: how you feel, your attitude, your behav‐
ior, your response.”
— MELISSA SPINO
think. In the next chapter, you will learn more about your
feelings and how to express them to your partner.
5
H OW T O C O M M U N I C AT E YO U R
EMOTIONS
— ELIZABETH BOURGERET
All your emotions are valid. First, remember that all your
emotions are valid. Sometimes you may think your feelings
are bad, inappropriate, or wrong, so you should not feel or
communicate them. However, emotions are reactions to
internal or external stimuli. Your emotions are automatic
responses to something. As such, they are always valid.
Dig deeper. Suppose you think your feelings are not any of
the six primary emotions. In that case, you are probably
feeling a secondary emotion.
Are you still confused about what you are feeling? Here is a
quick table to help you based on psychologist Robert
Plutchik’s Wheel of Emotions or Feelings Wheel.[ 2]
80 | A M A N DA T H O M A S
H E A LT H Y CO M M U N I C AT I O N WITH YOUR PARTNER | 81
82 | A M A N DA T H O M A S
Here is an example:
I am angry.
I had to do all the food prep all by myself. So, now I am tired and
cranky.
So now you know your WHY. You are angry because you
expected your partner to help you with something you
84 | A M A N DA T H O M A S
For example, say, “Babe, I feel let down and annoyed that you did
not come home early as you said you would to help me with dinner
preparations for tomorrow. Did something happen?”
Next, think about what you want to say. Here is a tip: when
you begin a sentence with the phrase “I feel,” do your best to
make the third word an emotion. If you do not, you are most
likely not expressing your feelings but a point of view, judg‐
ment, or critique.
all of a sudden. Your partner may feel like they are being
ambushed, and you will not get the results you want. So,
select a time and place that is good for you both.
Now that you are more comfortable with your feelings and
ready to have more meaningful talks with your partner, you
might want to start addressing your conflicts. These are not
easy conversations to have. So, read the next chapter before
entering these discussions.
T H E I M P O R TA N C E O F R E F LEC T I O N
— SONYA PARKER
Since Greg and I not only saved our marriage but took it to
new levels, I’ve been passionate about helping other couples
to do the same, and I’d like to take this moment to ask for
your support.
B L A M E-F R E E C O N F LI C T
RESOLUTION
— STEVE MARABOLI
W HAT I S CONFLICT?
3. Choose the best time and place to talk. Do not talk about
important things with someone you know is not in the right
mind to listen. Choose a moment when you are both
comfortable, relaxed, well-rested, fed, and not busy with
anything else. Choose a peaceful location with few distrac‐
tions. For example, initiate the discussion after having a
good meal or while cuddling on the sofa.
Example:
They Say: “For goodness’ sake! Why don’t you ever do as you say?!”
[READ: I feel like I cannot rely on you. This does not make
me feel secure in our relationship.]
Your Reply: “Babe, yes, I forgot this one. I’m sorry about that. But
there are plenty of other instances where I do as I say. You can rely
on me.”
[READ: I’m tired, and I need help. I feel like I don’t have a life
partner.]
“Can we take a few minutes to slow things down before they get out
of control?”
“Wait, I’m not sure we are talking about the same thing. Can we
backtrack a bit?”
“I’m not sure we are really hearing each other right now. What do
you say we take a break and return to this later tonight?”
Use the break for self-care. You guys took a break to calm
yourselves down, so do that. For example, do a Mindfulness
Breathing exercise, watch funny YouTube videos, listen to
H E A LT H Y CO M M U N I C AT I O N WITH YOUR PARTNER | 99
If you want, you can even discuss this with your partner.
When you are both calm, bring up your argument and ask,
“Hey, did I say or do anything during our argument that you did
not like at all? Was anything below the belt for you?” If your
partner pinpoints something, do not defend it. (Remember,
100 | A M A N DA T H O M A S
you asked.) Just hear them out, ponder it, and see if you need
to work on it.
Now, saying sorry may be difficult for the above reasons, but
when it comes to relationships, this two-word phrase can do
wonders for your relationship. If you are confused about
when you should apologize to your partner, here are a few
reasons to consider:
How to Apologize
NOT: “I’m sorry I made fun of you in front of our friends. You
were smiling a bit, so I thought you were okay with it!”
What to Do: Let them know what you need to feel like they
are taking responsibility for their actions. You could also ask
them to explain why they are sorry and what they plan to do
differently in the future.
ing. You may feel like they will just hurt you again, making it
difficult to accept their apology.
Keep in mind that you want to stay away from blaming each
other. Consider how these simple words and phrases might
trigger blaming as you read the list below.
1. Actually
Better: “I think I see things differently. Can you explain why you
see it that way?”
2. But
Better: “I’m not really in the mood for Chinese food. Are you ok
with pizza or something else?”
3. Assume
Using the word “assume” (or any of its forms) can be prob‐
lematic because it often implies that you are making judg‐
ments or drawing conclusions without all the information. It
may also suggest that you are not paying attention to your
partner.
Better: “Greg and Amanda want to drop by for dinner this week‐
end. Are you feeling up to that?”
4. The F Word
Some people are okay with the “F” word, while others find it
offensive, immature, and impolite. So, using this word is up
to you and your partner. However, I would advise refraining
from using this word whenever trying to resolve conflict.
H E A LT H Y CO M M U N I C AT I O N W ITH YOUR PARTNER | 109
5. Honestly
Better: “I’m open to what you want for dinner. What are you in
the mood for?”
6. No Offense
Like “honestly,” most people say “no offense” when they are
about to offend someone. Worse, they know they will offend
someone and try to soften the blow by saying this phrase
first. “No offense” is a defense mechanism used by people
who want to be nasty but do not want to be obvious about it.
7. Personally
8. Try
9. Whatever
Better: “I’m not sure how I feel about that. Can you explain
further? I want to understand your view.”
Saying “It’s not a big deal” or “Just forget about it” downplays
your partner’s feelings or concerns. It can make them feel
like their emotions are not valid or important.
Better: “I can see that you’re angry. Can you tell me what’s upset‐
ting you?”
Example: “Geez, are you still upset about the game you missed?
Just forget about it!”
Better: “I see you’re still bummed out about missing the game. Tell
me, what will make you feel better?”
Saying this phrase can show disregard for your partner’s feel‐
ings or concerns, making them feel like you are unwilling to
work on improving your behavior. For example, say your
partner brings up an issue with something you said or did, and
you respond with, “That’s just the way I am.” Such a response
can make them feel like you are disregarding their feelings and
opinions and are unwilling to change or try to address their
concerns, leading to feelings of frustration and resentment.
H E A LT H Y CO M M U N I C AT I O N WITH YOUR PARTNER | 113
Better: “I feel frustrated when I see dirty dishes left in the sink.
Can we work on cleaning up after ourselves more consistently?”
As you and your partner discuss your conflict, you may face
another common relationship challenge—patience. The next
chapter will help you with this.
7
T H E P OW E R O F PAT I E N C E
— JOYCE MEYER
WORKSHEET: Am I Impatient?
When you are impatient, you are likelier to lash out or blame
your partner rather than take the time to understand their
perspective during conflicts.
your desired pace. This can make you feel like you are better
than your partner, and you might start to think they are not
as competent or skilled as you are. Obviously, this can hurt
your relationship because it can create a power imbalance
and erode your trust and respect for each other.
R E A S O N S FOR IMPATIENCE
Less Stress: Impatience can cause stress and anxiety[ 5], but
being more patient can help you feel calmer and more
relaxed—more patience = more zen.
So, how do you stay mindful and maintain your calm during
conflicts? Here’s how:
Imagine that someone will ask you later about your partner’s
perspective, and you should be able to answer them easily. If
you cannot correctly relay it, then chances are you were not
listening. (Tip: See also Worksheet: Active Listening.)
7. Watch out for your stress points. You know yourself best.
What irritates you during discussions? What causes your
impatience? Check all that apply:
The issue may sound trivial, but Denise has mild obsessive-
compulsive disorder (OCD). However, since she was
coping well with her condition, she decided she would not
make this a big deal. She never addressed it with her part‐
ner. She let her tiny annoyance grow inside her day by day.
After a year of living together, she started to see nearly
everything as annoying about Ian. After one extremely
difficult day, she came home, saw their disorganized living
room and the mixed clothes in the hamper, and lost it.
Tears, shouts, and hurtful words ensued. All this time, Ian
was just bewildered. Later, they had a discussion, and it
wasn’t even difficult to ask Ian to start using different wash
nets for his clothes. She said, “All this time, I held back
H E A LT H Y CO M M U N I C AT I O N WITH YOUR PARTNER | 127
For instance, say you are struggling with weight and body
image issues and want to change your lifestyle. However,
your partner refuses to have anything to do with it and keeps
bringing unhealthy comfort foods home (e.g., bags of chips,
high-calorie soda, donuts, etc.) and eating them in front of
you. You express that seeing them consume these food items
in front of you damages what you want to achieve. Your
partner believes you should not regulate their eating habits
since they do not have any weight concerns. In this case, the
conflict itself may add unnecessary stress to the lifestyle
changes you want. If so, perhaps it is better to let the argu‐
ment go, let your partner be, and keep the peace in your rela‐
tionship.
R E B U I LD I N G T RU S T A N D S A F E T Y
I N YO U R R E L AT I O N S H I P
— ANONYMOUS
You may not realize this, but there are a lot of misconcep‐
tions about trust in a relationship. Go over the list below and
discuss them with your partner to ensure that you are on the
same page and prevent future misunderstandings.
R E L AT I O N SHIP CHECK-INS
T H E P OW E R OF VULNERABILITY
“I’m scared” (because it could mean you are unsure or lost and
do not know what to do)
Also, what if you say such things and your partner does not
give you the necessary assurances? That can be another level
of hurt. So being vulnerable is not easy because what you are
really sharing is this: your weaknesses.
Examples:
Examples:
“I know I haven’t been very open, but I want to change that and be
more open with you.”
“I’ve never shared this before, and you’ll probably laugh, but I need
to sleep with the lights on when you’re away.”
(1) EVERYBODY has fears and flaws, and (2) it takes strength
to be vulnerable.
Needless to say, I’m not like that anymore and often ask my
partner for feedback whenever I am unsure. Why? Because I
trust him. I trusted him with my doubts and insecurities,
knowing I would not be judged, but supported.
Trust and safety are essential for the health and longevity of
your relationship. They are the basic foundations of any
union, and without them, a relationship can become easily
susceptible to hurt, pain, conflict, and even complete break‐
downs. By rebuilding trust and safety between you, you can
restore your relationship’s sense of security and intimacy
and create a strong, lasting bond.
L O N G -T E R M H E A LT H Y
C O M M U N I C AT I O N M A I NT E N A N C E
— ABRAHAM LINCOLN
5 :1 A N D 9 / 1 0
complaints? If it’s the latter, here are a few tips to help you
shift to compliments.
When was the last time you or your partner asked for atten‐
tion? If you cannot remember, then it has been too long! If
you need attention, don’t be reluctant to ask for it.
Examples:
“Babe, got a minute to sit down and have some coffee with me?”
H E A LT H Y CO M M U N I C AT I O N WITH YOUR PARTNER | 151
“I’ve been missing our quality time lately. It would be nice to plan
something special for us to do together. What do you think?”
PA S S P R A I SE (NOT JUDGMENT)
But what about their moral code, their beliefs? Are they
irrelevant? Of course not. So, release yourself from the
fantasy that your partner should change and comply with
you. No one is right, and no one is wrong; you two are just
different. So, moving forward, focus on how your differ‐
ences complement each other!
Yes, constantly. The goal is not to stay the same but to grow,
improve, and evolve together.
Here is the great news: the fact that you have this book
shows your willingness to change, and as you have read it,
you have already been changing!
— AUDREY HEPBURN
Your answer:
Your answer:
Your answer:
Your answer:
Your answer:
7. Set boundaries.
Examples: the person who cut me off the line at the grocery store,
the driver who honked too loudly, etc.
a) Let them make all the decisions for fear of making the
wrong choice
b) Refuse to compromise and insist on your way
c) Work together to find a solution that works for both
of you
2. Find the right time and place. Choose a quiet time and
place where you will not be distracted. This way, you can
concentrate on the conversation.
6. Repeat what you heard. Tell the speaker what you heard
back to confirm you understood them correctly. For exam‐
ple, say, “Let me make sure I understand. You said… because …”
WO R K S H E E T : ACTIVE LISTENING | 187
But before you do, take some time to reflect on your values
and beliefs. What are the things that are most important to
you in your relationship?
192 | WO R K S H E E T : I D E NT I F Y I N G B O U N DARIES IN YOUR REL ATI…
WO R K S H E E T : I D E NT I F Y I N G B O U N DA R I E S IN YOUR REL ATI… | 193
Scoring:
T H E IMPORTANCE OF REFLECTION
1. Ecaldre, P. M. (2022, May 14). 50 best quotes about overcoming relationship
problems. Inspiring Tips. https://inspiringtips.com/best-quotes-overcom
ing-relationship-problems/
NOTES | 201
9. LONG-TERM HEALTHY
CO MMUNICATION MAINTENANCE
1. Boothby, E. J., & Bohns, V. K. (2020). Why a simple act of kindness is not
as simple as it seems: Underestimating the positive impact of our compli‐
ments on others. Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin, 47(5), 826–840.
https://doi.org/10.1177/0146167220949003
2. Blatchford, E. (2017, June 19). Compliments are good for your health, but not
if they’re fake. HuffPost. Retrieved May 1, 2023, from https://www.huff‐
post.com/archive/au/entry/compliments-are-good-for-your-health-but-
not-if-theyre-fake_au_5cd357fae4b0acea94ff00cc
3. Kille, D. R., Eibach, R. P., Wood, J. V., & Holmes, J. G. (2017). Who can’t
take a compliment? the role of construal level and self-esteem in
accepting positive feedback from close others. Journal of Experimental
Social Psychology, 68, 40–49. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.jesp.2016.05.003
4. Marigold, D. C., Holmes, J. G., & Ross, M. (2007). More than words:
Reframing compliments from Romantic Partners fosters security in low
self-esteem individuals. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 92(2),
232–248. https://doi.org/10.1037/0022-3514.92.2.232
CONCLUSION
1. Karney, B. R., & Bradbury, T. N. (1995). The longitudinal course of
marital quality and stability: A review of theory, methods, and research.
Psychological Bulletin, 118(1), 3–34. https://doi.org/10.1037/0033-
2909.118.1.3
2. Graber, E. C., Laurenceau, J.-P., Miga, E., Chango, J., & Coan, J. (2011).
Conflict and love: Predicting newlywed marital outcomes from two
interaction contexts. Journal of Family Psychology, 25(4), 541–550.
https://doi.org/10.1037/a0024507