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Liguistic Autobiography Rough Draft
Liguistic Autobiography Rough Draft
Mrs. Fitz
English 10, 3A
Misfit
Try too hard fitting in everywhere and you’ll end up not fitting anywhere. I am the
daughter of two Mexican immigrant parents. I was born and raised in California with Spanish as
my first language. I started learning English when I entered preschool and would say I was fully
fluent by second or third grade. Thanks to the opportunity I had to attend a bilingual charter
school, from kindergarten through eighth grade, I’d say I was equally good at both languages. I
never noticed how big of an impact constantly putting both languages to use actually made on
my ability to speak it and the level of language I was able to use until I entered high school. In
high school I found myself using Spanish significantly less than I’d used to, to the point where I
started to forget everything but the basics, everything that before made me feel accomplished as
a Spanish speaker. Simultaneously, I was starting to struggle with English too, the language I
spoke on instinct. If I couldn't speak either of those well then what could I speak? I often
wondered what happened to get to the point where I felt alienated while speaking both
struggled to keep a conversation in Spanish with other people. There was a point in my life
where I was very proud of how proficient my skills in Spanish were. My mom would discreetly
brag to my other aunts and uncles of how proud she was that I could speak proficient Spanish,
and although I would never say it outloud, it always made me smile and feel proud. But even
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then, I still found myself feeling cut off from the rest of my cousins who spoke Spanish. An
excerpt from Jimmy Santiago Baca’s autobiography, Working in the Dark, puts perfectly into
words how I felt. Baca expresses, “There was nothing so humiliating as being unable to express
intimidated and vulnerable, ridiculed and scorned. Behind a mask of humility, I seethed with
mute rebellion.” (4). In his case, Baca’s referring to the fact that with his current limited
linguistic abilities, he was not able to convey the words and feelings he wanted to. He felt
suffocated and aggravated by the expectatives society had been pushing upon him to stay docile
and below those with higher education. I feel as though I know what it's like to be in that
situation, but in a slightly different way. In my case, even though I could say I knew more
Spanish than the rest of my cousins did, I still didn't feel connected to my culture. They'd talk
amongst each other using more colloquial Spanish and slang that I didn't understand as much. If
they asked if I knew what they were saying someone else would answer for me saying something
along the lines of “No pues como piensas que ella va a saber que significa eso, solo mirala?”
meaning “How could you possibly think she'd know what that means, just look at her''. I was
ashamed. Additionally, If I spoke using a word that was too formal they'd make fun of me and
ask why it spoke that way. I was jokingly made fun of for my formal spanish, but those jokes got
to me easily and only contributed to me feeling alienated from the rest of my family just for
speaking differently than them, even if it was in the same language. I felt as though I wasn't
Mexican enough for them, that I didn't belong or understand my culture. This resulted in me not
using the Spanish I knew as often, which in the long run only made my skills in that language
more limited.
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Simultaneously, during high school too, I started to notice my English wasn’t as perfect
as I thought it was. The reason my Spanish got worse was clear to me, but I'm unsure of why my
English skills started to get rusty as well. It started off with me not being able to remember the
words I wanted to use, my vocabulary becoming more limited, stuttering after getting stuck, etc.
The worst part was that it wasn't a one time occurrence, it became a constant struggle. Besides
those problems, I also noticed how other people were often correcting my pronunciation of
words, they’d make a big deal out of it which confused me. They knew what I wanted to say,
wasn't it enough that I conveyed my point? Why the need to make me feel humiliated? In her
story, Mother Tongue, Amy Tan was able to convey a similar sentiment to mine regarding
mistakes when speaking english. She states, “But to me, my mother's English is perfectly clear,
perfectly natural. It's my mother tongue. Her language, as I hear it, is vivid, direct, full of
observation and imagery. That was the language that helped shape the way I saw things,
expressed things, and made sense of the world.” (3). Tan is explaining that just because her
mothers english isn't necessarily standard english, that there's something wrong with it. It’s the
form of English she grew up with and to her it was everything that “good” English was. The
quality of her English did not affect the meaning of her words, at least to Tan. I connect to this
quote, reason being that those words I mentioned I’d be corrected on were words my family and
other spanish speakers often pronounced wrong too. They were part of the language that made
sense to me. And just how Tan says that her mothers English was vivid and made sense to her,
mine made sense to me. Even when I stuttered or forgot words, I still knew what I was trying to
say, the only thing left was saying it. Although in retrospect that was the hardest part. I knew I'd
have to think about what I wanted to say before I said it, rehearse it in my head to make sure it
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sounded correct, and then say it properly. It was so tedious that oftentimes I found myself just
Taking all this into account, I'd say Spanglish is my safe spot. It's what I'm most
comfortable speaking, especially with my parents and bilingual friends. When I can randomly
sneak a bit of Spanish into my English and it's still perfectly normal, a mix of all my linguistic
knowledge is what makes me feel most powerful. In her work, How to Tame a Wild Tongue,
Gloria Anzaldua makes a comment that I relate to; “Often it is only with another chicana Tejana
that I can talk freely” (Anzaldua). Anzaldua explains that although she knows many dialects in
English and Spanish, out of all of them the only one that comes naturally is the one she speaks
with fellow Chicana Tejanas. I am able to relate to this quote because I also know more than one
language and multiple dialects in them too, including formal and less formal ones. Out of all of
them, what I speak best is Spanglish; broken English and Spanish. Around my parents and other
friends who've had similar upbringings and understand all the mix of languages and dialects that
come instinctively is who I feel most free talking with. Where I can speak with no restriction or
judgment and still be understood. At the same time, when speaking Spanglish with my parents I
feel accomplished that I'm trying to speak mostly Spanish with them and only do filler words and
phrases I can't remember in english. I can ask them without any embarrassment on how to
properly pronounce a word in Spanish or what it means. With those people and a mix of those
Language can be such an empowering and imprisoning tool all at the same time, but once
you learn how to use it right and become confident in what you know, you'll excel more than
ever before. Figuring out what works for you is important. After a long journey, I realized the
way I can utilize language the best is when I use a mix of all my linguistic knowledge. Accepting
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that it's okay for me not to be perfect at either of them took me a while to come to terms with, but
in the end it's what makes me feel the most free. Also, just because I'm not perfect with either
language at the moment doesn't mean I'll give up, mistakes make room for growth and
improvement so it's important not to give up. Don’t ever put yourself down, keep trying.
Language is a huge part of my identity, and it’s one I'm proud of. I'm proud to be bilingual, I'm
proud to be Mexican, and I know that others' perception of my language does not affect my
connection with my culture, or at least I won't let it. I am not a misfit, I never was, I only needed
to find where I truly belonged. “The right place values you the right way. If you are not valued,
do not be angry, it means that you are in the wrong place. Those who know your value are those
who appreciate you. Never stay in a place where no one sees your value” - Unknown
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Baca Jimmy Santiago. Coming into Language : Essay from Working in the Dark :
Anzaldua, Gloria. “How to Tame a Wild Tongue.” Fifty Great Essays, 2011.