ENABLE ACCESSIBILITY

Rudeness

It’s Okay Not to Share

Learn how to help your child build both sense
of self and generosity – and how to handle
tough “no sharing” moments.

PODCAST 29 MIN

Episode Highlights Transcript

Dr. Becky:

You’re listening to Good Inside with Dr. Becky.

I have so many ideas, strategies, and scripts to
share with you. Right after a word from our
sponsor.

Dr. Becky:

Hi, I’m Dr. Becky, and this is Good Inside.

Dr. Becky:

I’m a clinical psychologist and mom of three

on a mission to rethink the way we raise our
children.

Dr. Becky:

I love translating deep thoughts about

parenting into practical, actionable strategies
that you can use in your home right away.

Dr. Becky:

One of my core beliefs is that we are all doing

the best we can with the resources we have
available to us in that moment. So even as we
struggle, and even as we are having a hard
time on the outside, we remain good inside.

Dr. Becky:

I received so many voicemails about the topic

of sharing. Do we have to make our kid share?
Is it okay for my kid not to share? What do I do
if my kid has a certain item that they don’t let
anyone else use? There’s so much confusion
about this topic. Well, this is the episode for
you.

Dr. Becky:

There’s no one right way to approach sharing

or not sharing. But what we’ll do here is really
unpack what’s happening when our kids
struggle to share their possessions with
others. And we’ll also go over a bunch of
strategies that you can use in your home to
manage these tricky moments. With all that
in mind, let’s jump in.

Dr. Becky:

Our first caller is Mary.

Mary:

Hi, Dr. Becky. My name is Mary, I’m calling

from Seattle and I’m calling because my five
year old son this past weekend had a friend
come over and it didn’t go so well.

Mary:

Halfway through the play date, I kind of heard

some kind of yelling in the next room, so
when I went in to see what was going on,
apparently my kid had taken one of his toys
away from his friend and was just really
having a hard time sharing.

Mary:

I probably didn’t respond properly. I kind of

said, Hey, if you don’t share, your friend isn’t
going to want to come play with you
anymore. Which then led him to a total
meltdown.

Mary:

How should I handle this type of situation

when it comes up again? I certainly want to
trust my kid to handle these situations
himself, but also I don’t want other parents
hearing that my kid doesn’t share.

Mary:

Anyway, thank you so much for all that you do,

and any help you can provide would be
greatly appreciated. Thanks.

Dr. Becky:

Hi Mary. Thank you so much for calling in,

because this is actually such a great question
to start off this episode with. I have so many
thoughts about this topic, but here I want to
kind of share three main ones, one it’s okay
not to share. There, I said it’s okay not to share.

Dr. Becky:

Not sharing in childhood sets kids up to be

able to prioritize their own needs, to have
things in life that they want for themselves
and this is so healthy.

Dr. Becky:

Okay, there’s also this. It’s okay to share.

Dr. Becky:

It’s nice to connect with others through play

and to trust that the important things in your
life can be shared with others and you can get
them back. I would pay more attention to
extremes. Does your child never share? Does
your child seem to hoard their toys where it
seems like another kid on a plate to isn’t
allowed to even touch anything in the
playroom?

Dr. Becky:

Or does your child always share? They seem

so much more attentive to the wants of
others, to making other kids happy than to
the wants of themselves.

Dr. Becky:

Two, when kids really struggle to share things,

it’s often a sign they feel insecure about larger
things in their life. And so if this is the case in
your family, I’d think about these questions.
Any major family changes happen recently?
Things like moves, childcare shifts, new
schools, new babies. These transitions can
really impact a child’s sense of security in their
environment. And so clinging to possessions
becomes a way to gain control.

Dr. Becky:

Three, we often don’t trust kids enough.

Dr. Becky:

When we force kids to share things like your

time’s up, give those blocks to Harry now, they
naturally become more possessive. This
makes sense. Think about what that would do
to you if people randomly took things out of
your hands and gave them to someone else,
we would only become more clingy. We
might even sneak things to feel like we could
actually hold something for ourselves by
contrast words like you’re allowed to keep
using that. Let your friend know when you’re
done or Hmm, two kids, one firefighter
costume. Oh, that’s tricky. I bet the two of you
can figure this out.

Dr. Becky:

These types of words show your trust. And

when you show a child you trust them, this
sets the stage for them to negotiate and
come up with solutions.

Dr. Becky:

Let’s hear from our next caller, Jim.

Jim:

Hey, Dr. Becky, this is Jim from New Jersey.

Jim:

Me and my wife have a two year old and we’re

expecting another this summer. But I’m
calling because our son is getting really
territorial on the playground or whenever he
goes over to a friend’s. So we’re trying to deal
with that.

Jim:

It’s actually the slide on the playground where

the majority of the conflict is taking place.
He’ll even go so far as to block another kid
from using the slide. A typical response that
we’ve been using is, “hey, it’s tough to share,
but the slide is for everyone, and you got to let
the other kids use it because they’re allowed
to use it.” But it doesn’t seem to be working.

Jim:

I know he’s only two so he doesn’t really

understand the concept of sharing but are
there any other tips before this baby comes to
help our son learn how to share? Thank you so
much.

Dr. Becky:

Hi Jim, thank you so much for calling in and

for raising a topic that all of us face. We’re with
our child, there are some other kids around
and all of a sudden we see a struggle over a
single block, or we hear you can’t have that.
I’m playing with it. And I think for me even
hearing those words, I tighten up, we think,
oh, is that okay? Or what do I want my child to
do? Or what happens next?

Dr. Becky:

And I also think a lot of us, we want kind of

two things for our kids. We want them to feel
like they can stand up for themselves and we
want them to assert their wants and needs,
and we want them to develop close
relationships with others and be able to share
things that they might not be using in the
moment. And I think that brings me to my
first kind of overarching point.

Dr. Becky:

It is really, really hard to balance standing up

for ourselves and sharing with others. If I’m
honest, I still struggle with that in adult life,
right? In terms of, oh, my friend wants this, I
want something else. How do I negotiate
this?

Dr. Becky:

And the fact that our two year olds, our three
year olds, our eight year olds, our 15 year olds
are struggling with it is really, really
developmentally normal. And I think there’s
even a strategy in there, which is to notice
when you, as a parent, fast forward your kids’
life and use today’s struggle as evidence of
some long term problem. Oh, I don’t want my
kid to be a teenager who doesn’t get along
with others. I don’t want my kid to be an adult
who’s selfish meanwhile, in front of me is just
my two year old who doesn’t want to share
their toy trucks.

Dr. Becky:

So that’s, I think strategy one, take a deep

breath and notice if you’re doing the life fast
forward. And if you are say hi to it, ugh,
somehow the fast forward button got
pressed, let me take a deep breath and let me
come back to this totally developmentally
appropriate struggle.

Dr. Becky:

A couple other ideas.

Dr. Becky:

It is so powerful to practice strategies in

advance. We have, have to practice strategies
with our kids when they don’t need to use
those strategies before we have any hope of
our kids actually calling on those strategies
when they do need them. This is true for
adults too, we all build skills when we’re calm,
when we feel safe, then when we’re stressed
or we’re anxious, or we’re worried, we are only
able to call upon the strategies we’ve
mastered during those calmer moments. So
what would this look like?

Dr. Becky:

I can imagine you saying this to your son

before you go on a play date.

Dr. Becky:

Hmm we’re meeting some of your friends at

the playground. Ooh. You know what I’m
thinking about? What will it be like if you
want to go down the slide, but some of your
friends are waiting in line for the slide.

Dr. Becky:

Or you might say what would happen if you

want to climb up the slide, but some kids are
waiting to go down the slide. Ooh, that is so
tricky.

Dr. Becky:

Now I want to differentiate what I modeled

from this. You know, when you go to the
playground, there might be some kids going
down the slide, and so you’re going to have to
wait your turn, that slide isn’t yours, it’s for
everyone.

Dr. Becky:

Now pause. If you say that to your child, do I

think, oh, no bad parenting move. You’ve
messed up your child forever. No, definitely
not. But we’re here to think about what would
be most effective.

Dr. Becky:

It’s not effective to predict in advance the kind

of right behavior for your child. It is effective to
wonder about the conflict in advance, to
wonder about the problems. This actually
allows your child to problem solve in advance,
which is what they would need to do again, to
be able to use those strategies when the
moments come.

Dr. Becky:

So let’s say, I say this to my child. What would

it be like if your two year old is like most two
year olds, they’ll look at you and say, can I have
my breakfast now? They’re not going to really
engage much. That doesn’t mean they’re not
listening, that actually means that there’s a lot
to process. So I might go further. Yeah, yeah,
yeah, I’m going to make you your breakfast.
I’m wondering like, if you want to go up and
someone’s coming down thinking about a
couple things, one is, oh, I’m just going to go
really, really fast.

Dr. Becky:

One is I’ll wait, my turn. One is Hmm, going to

ask them when they go and when I go, I don’t
know. What do you think would be kind of
something you could imagine doing? What
do you think is something you could do to
make sure everyone has fun. And also
everyone stays safe.

Dr. Becky:

I am posing the question now because now

my child actually has time and energy to start
to think through this situation. Here’s another
part of that wondering in advance. I ended it
Jim, by saying, oh, that’s tricky. I don’t end it by
giving my child some answer.

Dr. Becky:

If we problem solve for our kids in advance,

that’s not sticky for them. What ends up
being sticky is them thinking through options
with you. And so by ending, by saying, Ooh,
that’s tricky. I kind of let my kid know I’m in
the problem with them. We’re in this
together. I’m not the person with the solution.
They’re not the person with the problem.
We’re going to think through this together.

Dr. Becky:

Then I would actually play this out. I would say,

pretend my couch is the slide, and I’d be
behind my couch, pretending I’m at the top of
the slide. I’d have my son go in front of the
couch, like he’s at the bottom of the slide.
Ooh, let’s try some of those things. Hmm,
what would it be like if you said to me, Hey,
can I come up after you come down? Let’s try
that. And we’re actually now building skills
that my child is going to be much more likely
to use when the moment comes.

Dr. Becky:

One other thing, Jim, that I have to mention

before we end, you mentioned that your
family’s expecting another baby. It is really,
really common for kids to have an especially
hard time sharing with friends when their
family is expecting another child.

Dr. Becky:

I know it’s easy to think, wait, I don’t know if

my child would connect those two, they’ve
never had a sibling. How would they know
that they’re going to have to share? And how
would that come out? They get it. They know
their world is changing, they know there’s
going to be another person, they know that
their family home, which is just them able to
pick all the toys they want, is going to change.
And that makes them much more
hypervigilant to other situations where those
same themes get played out.

Dr. Becky:

And so I do think it’s worth saying to your

child, at some point, you know what I’m
thinking about, we’re having another baby in
this family soon. Hmm. I know that’s going to
change something. Some things will stay the
same and some things will change and there
will be another person who might be laying
on the floor. There might be another person
who’s right near your blocks. Hmm. I know
that we’re going to figure it out. And I also
know that it’s okay to have so many different
feelings about this and to feel a little nervous
about what’s going to happen with all your
things when a new baby comes in the family. I
understand that it’s okay to feel that way.

Dr. Becky:

All of this kind of goes back to remembering

that our kids need help normalizing their
feelings. Our kids need help understanding
their feelings and their urges. And when they
get that help those feelings and urges are
much less likely to act themselves out in
behavior.

Dr. Becky:

And now to our final caller, Megan.

Megan:

Hi, Dr. Becky, my name is Megan and I am

from Philadelphia.

Megan:

I was calling in to ask about sharing. I have a

two year old daughter and she is just kind of
learning how to share with other kids. And a
lot of times some days and some toys and
some moments are fine and some other
moments are a bit trickier. And so I was
listening to your podcast and I have been
implementing some other similar strategies
that I think you use in other situations. One of
them has been trying to model with one of
her baby dolls or one of her teddy bears or
one of her other toys when we’re playing, we’ll
practice sharing with the baby doll or sharing
our toy or food or whatever it is with teddy
bear.

Megan:

But I was wondering if you had any particular

experience and information that would be
helpful for me to have in regards to kind of
what’s going on developmentally for her.

Megan:

I know toddlers are very self centered

developmentally, and that’s totally fine. And if
there is maybe something else that I could be
doing when she interacts with other kids in
particular, some of the moments that I find
tricky are when we’re out and about and we
run into another kid and she has a toy that I’ve
brought for her for out and about, and she
doesn’t want to share.

Megan:

And so I think as a recovering people pleaser

myself, I’m trying to let her know that there
are appropriate times where she can say, no.
She can say, no, I don’t want to share this toy
today. No, I’m not ready right now and have
that respected, but I still want to also help her
build a foundation of kindness and empathy.

Dr. Becky:

Hi, Megan.

Dr. Becky:

First of all, I just want to say you’re all already

doing so much. That was my first thought.
And I was thinking, wow, Megan just stole my
best strategy, right from me. She does all this
role playing with stuffed animals. Ugh. Wow.
She’s really, really right on target. And I think
the extension from there is actually a really
important point when it comes to kids
sharing toys, or really kids developing kind of
sophisticated skills, which is that it always
takes longer than we want.

Dr. Becky:

Right, we’re doing the role play. We’re doing

this strategy. And then we go to a play date,
my child has a really hard time sharing any
toys. Every time a friend goes to one toy, my
kid say, no, not the, no, not that. And we think,
oh, nothing is helping, but just remember we
have to help our kids build skills over and over
and over again, before we even see an inkling
of the impact it has on them.

Dr. Becky:

That means you’re going to do that stuffed

animal role play many, many times before you
see that work convert on a play date. And I
think that part of parenting just isn’t talked
about enough that yes, we have these
strategies and yes, to some degree, we have
an image of kind of the impact that will of on
our child. But the gap between intervention
and impact is wide. That doesn’t mean you
have a bad kid. That doesn’t mean you’re a
bad parent. It just means it takes a lot of
repetition to build skills and also that the path
is never linear.

Dr. Becky:

I have a few other ideas just truly to augment

the already amazing work you’re doing.

Dr. Becky:

One, mantras.

Dr. Becky:

I love mantras. I really, really love mantras

because they give a kid something really
specific and concrete to hold onto when they
feel panicked or worried.

Dr. Becky:

And why do kids feel panicked or worried

around sharing? Well, when another friend is
playing with their favorite crayon or their
favorite doll. To some degree, a child is really,
really worried about loss. Oh no, am I ever
going to get that back? What if something
happens to it? There’s worry.

Dr. Becky:

And when we say to our kids, please share

with your friend or you’re not being nice that
doesn’t help them with the worry. If anything,
it makes them more alone with the worry and
it makes them feel ashamed of their behavior,
which only increases their anxiety. This is
where a mantra comes in. Here’s a mantra
many of my kids have used and we’ve
practiced in advance of play dates.

Dr. Becky:

I can share it now and get it back later. I can

share it now and get it back later. There’s
something about a little bit of a sing songy
tune that always makes things stick with kids.

Dr. Becky:

It’s something I think about reaching them in

a more non-verbal way, speaking to kind of
the regulation that can happen when we
speak more to the right brain than only to the
left brain with language.

Dr. Becky:

So here’s how I could see introducing this. I

like to introduce new skills to my kids by
modeling using that skill myself, instead of
teaching it to them as something they need
to do, but maybe I don’t need to do this is so
effective because we de-shame the situation
by joining the struggle with our kid, then we
model the strategy and our kid is actually in a
receptive place because they don’t feel alone.

Dr. Becky:

So I could see doing something like this. Oh, I

got these new headphones and I know dad is
going to want to use them when he gets
home. He wanted to try them, but their mine.

Dr. Becky:

And I don’t know what if he takes them and

they break or what if he doesn’t give them
back to me? I don’t…

Dr. Becky:

Oh, wait one second, one second. Sorry. I can

share it now and get it back later. I can share it
now and get it back later. I don’t know. I’m still
wor… Wait, wait one second. I’m going to
imagine I’m giving it to him now, he’s giving it
back later. I can share it out and get it back
later. Ugh, saying those words is calming my
body down a little bit, then fast forward.

Dr. Becky:

Let’s say my husband comes home from work

and I’ve set this up with him so he knows how
to kind of play into this kind of moment. And
he says, Becky, could I use those new
headphones, I want to try them out.

Dr. Becky:

This is what I would do with my child around.

Dr. Becky:

Ah, yeah. I just want to make sure you’re really

careful because it’s my new headphones, but
sure. And I’d let him take them while I turn
kind of my child and say, I’m going to try that
thing I practiced, okay. I could share it now
and I can get it back later. I can share it now
and get it back later.

Dr. Becky:

Then I’d have my husband eventually give

them back and say, Ooh, those words really
helped my body stay calm. Thanks for giving
them back, I knew that would happen.

Dr. Becky:

I am really modeling the entire process. I’m

nervous. I don’t want to do something. I use a
mantra it’s not easy, but it makes it a little bit
easier and then we have a good ending. Your
child would be absorbing this whole process.

Dr. Becky:

And I don’t even think you’re going to need to

tell your child to practice that mantra.

Dr. Becky:

But now with later that day or the next day

you say, Hey, I’m thinking about that play date
you’re having, I’m wondering if it might be
helpful. I don’t know. I don’t know. But maybe
it would be helpful for you to say to yourself
what I said to myself last night. That would be
kind of cool if we kind of both have this little
thing we say, when it’s hard to share. I would
bet your child would be likely to practice
because they don’t feel like a bad kid doing
bad things. They don’t feel like a selfish kid or
a greedy kid. They feel just like you, a person
who struggles to share things and a person
who can use something like a mantra to get
them through that moment.

Dr. Becky:

One other strategy I have in mind related to

your question about bringing some new toy
to a public place and not wanting to share it.

Dr. Becky:

I have two different thoughts of this. Number

one. That’s okay. Your child is allowed to take
their favorite new truck into the sandbox and
play with it and not share it with other
children. That’s really, really allowed.

Dr. Becky:

I’m laughing just thinking, I really like my

husband, and if my friends also want to share
my husband, I’m going to say no, I’m not
sharing him. Right? We’re allowed to do that
as adults. So if I’m reading a book and my
friend comes over and says, I want to read that
book and I have it when you’re done in that
chapter, I’m going to say, no, actually you
can’t. I’ll let you know when I’m done. And if I
keep reading the book, I might not share
when they want. It is okay to have things for
ourselves.

Dr. Becky:

The other thing I can imagine you saying to a

child is, Hmm. I wonder if there are other
things we should bring to the playground,
things that you love playing with and that
might be a little bit easier to share with some
of the other kids. And I know you’re going to
want to play with Rafa’s big shovel. So, Hmm. I
wonder if this truck isn’t the right one to
bring, but instead this truck is a better one to
bring. What I’m doing here. Megan is I’m
approaching this sharing struggle as if me
and my child are on the same team. Not like
we’re pitted against each other.

Dr. Becky:

Thank you, Mary, Jim and Megan for calling

and sharing your questions. Let’s tie it all
together with three main takeaways.

Dr. Becky:

One, it’s okay not to share. That’s all. I’m going

to let that one sit. It’s okay not to share.

Dr. Becky:

Two, talk about tricky sharing moments in

advance rather than hoping your child
magically developed some new skill in the
heat of the moment. When we talk about
situations in advance, we can also practice
new skills because we feel calm, not activated.

Dr. Becky:

Three, remember that shame always gets in

the way of learning. One thing we can do is
join with our kid in their struggles, in this case,
they’re sharing struggles. Model having those
same struggles, even model using a coping
strategy for those struggles.

Dr. Becky:

This helps our child feel less alone, which sets

the stage for our child to incorporate new
skills.

Dr. Becky:

Thanks for listening to Good Inside. I love co-

creating episodes with you based on the real
life, tricky situations in your family.

Dr. Becky:

To share what’s happening in your home, you

can call 646 598 2543 or email a voice note to
[email protected].

Dr. Becky:

There are so many more strategies and tips I

want to share with you. Head to
goodinside.com and sign up for Good Insider.
My free weekly email with scripts and
strategies delivered right to your inbox.

Dr. Becky:

And follow me on Instagram and Facebook at

@drbeckyatgoodinside for a daily dose of
parenting and self-care ideas.

Dr. Becky:

Good Inside with Dr. Becky is produced by

Beth Rowe and Marie Cecile Anderson, and
executive produced by Erica Besky and me,
Dr. Becky. If you enjoyed this episode, please
take a moment to rate and review it or share
this episode with a friend or family member
as a way to start an important conversation.
Let’s end by placing our hands on our hearts
and reminding ourselves even as I struggle,
and even as I have a hard time on the outside,
I remain good inside.

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