Miami Herald

15 MAR 2024

21.5 M Mansion good news for neighbouring Mongo- As moose season reaches its close,
lia, a barren moose-wasteland whose researchers world wide are turning to
bought by Sri inhabitents nonetheless have an insa- science in an attempt to boost next
tiable desire for the creatures. The in- year’s figures. NASA stunned the
Lankan Minister crease in Beijing-Ulanbataar trade is scientific community today with the
anticipated to relieve pressure on the announcment of their discovery that
By JACK SWAN
relatively strained Russian suppliers, the moon is significantly smaller than
but increase Mongolia’s imbalance of previously believed. This conclusion,
trade with its larger neighbour. which is the conclusion of a ten-
Blah blah blak. Lorem ipsum do- Historically the only competitor year collaborative project, will have
lor sit amet. to China in the far eastern moose profound implications for the moose
markets has been Singapore but the community as the gravitational field
tiny island nation is set to report a is now known to be of the right
International net loss, expecting a decrease of more strength to support moose in orbit.
than five percent on last year’s 50,000 According to John Johnson, head
Moose Count moose counted. The head of Singa- of the NASA Moon Sizing Experi-
pore’s Agency for Agriculture, Jing- ment the first delivery of moose into
Underway Feng Lau, explained to an incredu- low moon orbit could be achieved as
lous Singaporean parliament yester- early as the third quarter of next year.
By BOB O’BOBSTON
day that bad weather had contributed The technology to nurture moose in
to this season’s poor showing, most space is available now’’, he said, ’’all
notably when a cargo of 150 moose that is needed is political will’’.
The UN-sponsored International were swept out into the Indian ocean
Moose Census got off to a flying in a monsoon. Granny wins
start today with hopes for an increase Yet again the global demand for
in the worldwide moose population moose will be met largely by the World Wrestling
compared to last year’s disapointing US and Canada. The recession-hit
figures. Among the traditional early States is taking comfort in its moose Championship
reporters were Egypt, returning fig- growth figures with gross production
expected to break 700,000 and net ex- By ROY MCROYSTON
ures of six moose, a twenty percent
increase on 2011’s figures of five, and ports to grow by 2%. The worldwide
Uruguay whose moose population re- dominance of Canada shows no signs
mains stable at eleven. of abating though with this year’s Records were smashed in
According to Robbie McRobson, moose population expected to match Nicaragua’s World Wrestling Cham-
head of the UN Moose Preserva- last year’s record figures of one hun- pionship last night as 78-year-old
tion Council, worldwide moose num- dred million billion. Maud Johnson, grandmother of five,
bers are expected to grow markedly Europe’s rise as an international became the first woman for fifty-six
on last year due to the traditional moose power will slow slightly this years, and the oldest competitor ever,
moose strongholds of Canada and the year as a response to the European to claim the gold medal. She walked
United States, with the larger de- Union’s move towards standardising away with her million dollar share of
veloping moose ecologies also poised the European moose. Stringent qual- the prize money, runner up Tommy
to make gains. The largest percent- ity controls are holding back the de- Thompson from Nigeria taking half a
agege increase in moose will likely velopment of the eastern european million, and third place New Zealan-
come from China’’, says McRobson, populations compared to last year der John Smith receiving a warm
The Chinese government has invested when they contributed significantly handshake from the umpire.
heavily in moose infrastructure over to europe’s strong growth figures. Having started the tournament a
the past decade, and their committ- Norway, which is not an EU member rank outsider she began to impress
ment to macrofauna is beginning to but has observer status, strengthed in her second match when she took
pay dividends’’. Since 2004 China has in numbers relative to the Euro area US number three Ron Ronson by sur-
expanded moose pasture from 1.5% with numbers of Norweigian moose, prise and subdued him in twenty sec-
of arable land to nearly 3.648% and known locally as elk’’ expected to rise onds with her unique move that has
moose numbers are expected to rise for the tenth consecutive year, partic- been dubbed "Maud’s Death Grip".
to 60,000 making China a net moose ularly thanks to a strong showing in The injection of a new wrestling style
exporter for the first time. This is the last quarter. into the tournament was welcomed
 Miami Herald 15 MAR 2024 2

by spectators and Johnson’s pre- and supremacy overawed all her oppo- Johnson. "I’ve been drinking ten
post-match breakdances have proved nents who became too indimidated to raw eggs for breakfast every morning,
entertaining to fans. However, she fight properly. sprinting fifty miles a day and carry-
was still not expected to win in Nigerian Tommy Thompson is ing my daughter’s car to the end of
round three last Wednesday, facing also a relative newcomer to the the road and back whenever I felt my
off against title-holder Paulo "Spine- wrestling scene, but with his 210lb arthritis was OK" she said. Sammy
Snapper" Lutti, of Vatican City. Un- frame he was expected to fare well added "I always knew she could do
derdog Johnson was soon showing her against Johnson who weighs in at it. She’s my grandma.". The young-
worth with stamina and agility easily only 90lb. However Johnson’s lithe ster is also her manager and has re-
matching last year’s winner. Lutti’s and slender, some would say scrawny, portedly arranged sponsorship deals
experience paid off initially as he took figure belies her agility and strength which will dwarf her one million dol-
the first two rounds, but as John- which she demonstrated by holding lar prize fund. Her new contract with
son became more confident her su- Thompson above her head several headband designer Nike alone is set
perior strength came to the fore and times during the bout and throwing to earn her fourteen billion dollars
she clawed back two rounds to take him into the crowd once. With the over the next year. She will also be
the contest into a decider. By this scores tied at 2-2 time ran out and the promoting Tupperware, Halliburton,
time Lutti’s body language indicated contest went to a panel of judges to be the Republic of Macedonia, and Gala
that he already felt overawed by the assessed. They awarded Thompson a Bingo. Her continued participation in
pretender to his crown, and the new- C grade whilst Johnson received an the sport is not assured as she wants
comer took advantage of this to en- A, becoming the first grandmother to to spend more time on her bungee-
gage a mutual headlock which she ever win the title. jumping business, and knitting. Ev-
held for three hours until the Vat- The new champion explained her eryone here at the World Champi-
ican man retired from exhaustion. success as the result of a strict train- onships, however, hopes for her re-
The next seven matches were barely ing regimen instituted by her coach turn.
a contest as the news of Johnson’s and grandson five-year-old Sammy