Guia - Adolescentes
Guia - Adolescentes
childhood
by experienced child psychotherapists to give
supporting teenagers
helping parents and professionals to understand the early teenage years
Parents usually develop some confidence in their capacity to see their young children through problems. Everyone knows how important it is for parents to be involved with their children in the early years and at primary school, so its not difficult to get to know your childrens friends and teachers and to share anxieties with other parents at the school gate. This confidence can evaporate when your children hit adolescence and many of the certainties disappear. It is normal for parents to feel ill-equipped to manage this stage. Lone parents can feel particularly vulnerable if theres no other involved adult to share their worries with. But nobody is in a position to feel confident about the role they have to play during the teenage years.
insight into childrens feelings and view of the world and help parents, and those who work with children, to understand their behaviour.
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old had tantrums, you may have talked to the health visitor. Now your towering 15-year-old is having a tantrum and he can hurt himself and other people. How can you cope with this? Some parents get so frightened and overwhelmed by the difficulties of adolescence that they miss out on the good times.
Being a teenager
The experience of puberty
When children reach puberty, they experience quite rapid sexual, physical and emotional changes over which they have no control. They cant hide their developing breasts or outcrop of spots. They cant stop their voice from cracking at awkward moments. They reach puberty at very different ages, which can intensify their feeling of isolation and their anxieties. They worry about Am I normal? How do I look? What do people think about me? Its not simply self-consciousness they feel, but often real anxiety and distress at the unpredictability and inevitability of it all. The safety, the security and the certainties of childhood seem to have disappeared. It is normal to be self-doubting and self1
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absorbed, and to experience a kind of roller coaster of intense emotions, moving speedily between joy, heartache and despair, and back again. With new-found physical and sexual capabilities, feelings of confidence and independence rapidly change into fears of overwhelming need. Surrounded by many different and conflicting pressures and role models, the young person has to find their way from the uncertainties and confusion of puberty to fullyfledged adulthood.
A teenage girl may see getting pregnant as the only gateway to the adult world. Girls tend to be more prone to eating disorders, but are also likely to hide the problem away, so its not easy to know that they need help.
Teenage boys
The taboo against talking to someone about your problems is entrenched amongst teenage boys. Boys can be just as sensitive as girls to problems such as bullying and feeling unfairly treated, but may not feel they can be as open as girls about these sorts of difficulties. They find it hard to cry and show their feelings, but they do have particular areas of vulnerability. Their frustration may come out in a different way, like being sullen, rude and hostile. Because its seen as more important to show a tough exterior, it can be very difficult to know how to handle yourself in public. How do you act cool when youre fearful inside, and may even have been at the receiving end of verbal abuse, racism, physical threats or mugging? Depression in young men may manifest itself in unexpected ways. Parents and others may not recognise what lies behind the anti-social behaviour or sitting in a room for hours listening to music. The reality is that suicide rates amongst young men are disproportionately high. Its particularly important that parents and those working with young people are alert to reading the warning signs with sensitivity and can teach boys acceptable ways of dealing with overwhelming emotions.
Teenage friendships
Relationships outside the family, particularly with same sex friends, become increasingly important during the teenage years. Teenagers form very intense friendship groups and loyalties, but these may shift and change as they try to sort out who they are and where they belong. Even those long phone calls sorting out who fancies who and what everyone in class is up to have a part to play!
Setting boundaries
Parents of teenagers often feel very confused and uncertain about rules and sanctions with this age group, particularly if they havent quite worked out where they stand on issues to do with control and authority. What does being a good parent involve? What actually works with adolescents? Parents cant make teenagers do what they want. Parents who try to lay down the law You shall not sleep with your boyfriend, You shall not smoke cannabis are likely to get a rebellious, if secretive, response. Because teenagers challenge and break the rules and boundaries, some parents give up and abandon them to their fate with the mistaken view that theyre now old enough to look after themselves. You cant stop your children from breaking boundaries. But you can help them to understand why you put them there in the first place. It is important to: make your values and position clear say clearly what you want, and what you find unacceptable give good reasons for your rules insist on some of them being observed in your own home.
Its hardly surprising that less stable partnerships can come unstuck at this time as parents hit their own mid-life crisis. If the communication between the adults in the teenagers life is not good, which it sometimes isnt, theres no end to the confusion. At one level, teenagers may enjoy playing one parent off against the other. At the same time, they may feel muddled and unsafe, hearing different messages coming from all sides. Young people of this age, like much younger children, have a continuing need to know who they belong to psychologically, and who is responsible for them, particularly when they live in different places and relate to many different people. Where several people share the care of a young person (including in institutions or residential settings), it is helpful to reach some agreement as to who is the main boundary setter. Other adults then need to back up this persons decisions.
Parents of children with a physical or learning disability are necessarily more involved with their childrens physical care, and may be more emotionally involved and protective too. It may be particularly difficult for them to accept the reality of their childs developing sexual feelings and needs. Unless parents accept the idea of sexual activity in young people, theyre unlikely to be able to give the kind of information and guidance that their adolescent children badly need.
be easier to imagine this with our sometimes over-conscientious and perfectionist daughters, but surely not with those laid back do it all at the last minute lads? What parents and teachers sometimes fail to appreciate is that behind the bravado may be a real anxiety about whether youll make it. The spectre of unemployment can loom large, even at this age. If you fear for the future and have no achievable goal, you are far more likely to become disaffected and unmotivated. Parents and teachers need to recognise how vulnerable these young people are. Without appropriate support, advice and encouragement, they can go down routes that seem more immediately attractive. A teenager with no realistic vision of his future may feel propelled into mindless thrill-seeking activity, like drug-taking or joy-riding anything to blot out the bleak reality that he feels lies ahead.
Help in school
Some schools try to find ways of offering help to vulnerable pupils. They employ school counsellors, or train pupils themselves to offer peer support and counselling. It is important for parents to find out how the pastoral side of the school works: what systems are in place for personal support for each child who takes responsibility for the pupils what processes there are for when things go wrong what is the schools anti-bullying policy and whether they implement it in a way thats seen to be effective by the pupils themselves. Teenagers can get very embarrassed and annoyed if they feel their parents are butting in to what they see as their territory. Work still needs to be done to change the attitude that only the weak and inadequate ask for help. Good home-school contact and involvement, sensitively handled, can make a crucial difference.
Exams
Both boys and girls in this age group put worries about work and exams at the top of the list of what stresses them. It may
fortunately had no disastrous consequences. The parents weathered it and the young people grew up a bit. Parents need to give their children some leeway, but at the same time recognise that all behaviour has meaning. Was that outburst a gesture of defiance or rebellion, or does it indicate that something is wrong and needs some attention? Is your child in danger of going off the rails, being excluded from school, being picked up by the police, or do you need to bide your time?
These are the situations in which it is particularly important to talk to someone: There has been a noticeable change in your teenagers behaviour or emotional state and it has persisted. They may have become markedly more aggressive or withdrawn. You cannot identify any obvious cause, such as the death of a grandparent or the ending of a longterm relationship. You suspect your teenager is at risk of harming themselves. They have made a suicide threat, or there is evidence of self-harm in the form of cuts or burn marks on their body. Your teenager has lost interest in schoolwork, hobbies, and friends, seems tired and lacking in energy, and finds it hard to concentrate. They may not be eating and sleeping as usual. These could be signs that your teenager is depressed, or that they have got involved in persistent drug use. Both may be the case. Your teenagers obsessive and extreme eating habits severe weight loss, weight gain, or evidence of vomiting after meals indicate the possibility of an underlying eating disorder. Your teenager has become involved with violent, risktaking activity, and may be in trouble with the law. Your childs refusal to go to school has persisted for some time.
together. Now you will both be moving towards the next dramatic developmental leap. The transition between childhood and adulthood, between school and the working world, is the next stage in the ongoing process of letting go and moving on.
Further help
In every area there are organisations that provide support and services for children and families. Your GP or health visitor will be able to offer you advice and, if needed, refer you to specialist services. To find out more about local support agencies, visit your library, your town or count hall, or contact your local council for voluntary service. YoungMinds Parents Information Service Information and advice for anyone concerned about the mental health of a child or young person Free parents helpline 0808 802 5544 Web www.youngminds.org.uk Parentline Plus Support and advice for anyone parenting a child Free parentline 0808 800 2222 (24hr) Textphone 0800 783 6783 Web www.parentlineplus.org.uk Talk to Frank Help and support on drugs. Helpline 0800 77 66 00 Web www.talktofrank.com Young People in Focus Provides a range of materials for both parents and professionals working with young people Phone 01273 693 311 Web www.youngpeopleinfocus.org.uk
Written by child psychotherapist Rachel Pick Understanding Childhood Ltd ISBN 1 900870 20 7 Enquiries to: The Administrator Understanding Childhood PO Box 235 Hythe Kent CT21 4WX t 01303 261000 e [email protected] w www.understandingchildhood.net
Youth Access National membership organisation referring young people between the ages of 14 and 25 and parents of young people to the nearest counselling, information service or helpline Phone 020 8772 9900 Web www.youthaccess.org.uk Black Parent Network Support and advice sharing about the black family Email [email protected] Web www.blackparentnetwork.com Childline Help for children and young people on any problem FREE helpline 0800 11 11 Web www.childline.org.uk Chatdanger How to keep safe when chatting on line and mobiles Web www.chatdanger.com Brook Confidential information on sexual health to under 25 year olds Helpline 0808 802 1234 Web www.brook.org.uk There are likely to be similar useful organisations in Scotland, Northern Ireland and Wales.
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