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Non Violent Communication

in Intimate Relationships:
An Introduction
Elaine Shpungin, Ph.D.
UIUC Psychological Services Center
505 E. Green St., 3rd floor

Mikhail Lyubansky, Ph.D.


Department of Psychology
Non Violent Communication (NVC)

Marshall Rosenberg, Ph.D. (founder)


Nonviolent Communication (NVC):
• A guiding philosophy (compassion, power-with, dignity,
mutuality)
• A communication method that supports the philosophy
• An approach that has been successfully applied to:
• interpersonal relationships (couple, parent-child,
roommate)
• social and personal change efforts (therapy, coaching,
advocacy, persuasive communication)
• business practices (in organizations, agencies)
• communities and systems (schools, prisons)
• conflict resolution (within and between groups)
Imagine if…
Scenario 1
• Imagine you are rushing to make it to a 9am
meeting with a specific person you know.
(Write down name of person)
• You get there 8:58. The other person arrives
9:10.
• Please write down (briefly):
– What are you feeling and thinking?
– Why?
– How might you act toward person as a result?
Imagine if…
Scenario 2
• Imagine you are rushing to make it to a 9am
meeting.
• You get there 9:10 just as the other person is
rushing in, also at 9:10.
• Please write down (briefly):
– What are you feeling and thinking?
– Why?
– How might you act toward person as a result?
NVC Model
Evaluations

Strategies

Feelings

Needs
NVC MODEL
APPLIED TO Evaluations
SCENARIO 1
Disorganized
Strategies
Doesn’t care
Frown

Make
Feelings Untimely
promise
to self Disappointed
Use
Incompetent sarcasm
Anxious
Needs Untrustworthy

Trust, Respect
Demand
Productivity
apology Annoyed
Jerk
Angry Threaten

Frustrated
Avoid Express
feelings

Selfish Speak in clipped tones Rude

Clueless
The goal of Nonviolent Communication is to:
-- listen beyond Strategies and Evaluations to the Needs underneath
-- speak to the Needs of those involved
-- create strategies that meet everyone’s needs (no compromise)

Evaluations

Strategies

Feelings

Needs
NVC Intimate Communication Makeover

Evaluations
Criticisms Observations
Judgments
Needs-based empathy
Needs-based honesty
Self-blame
Needs-based self-reflection
Guilt
Shame Regret, Mourning
Self Acceptance
Demands
Coercion Needs-based requests
Threats
NVC Makeover Components (some definitions)

Observations: Describing a behavior or event without evaluation words, just as a video-


camera would show it.
E: “I notice your car is in the middle of the driveway”
Needs Based Empathy: Connecting to and being present with the needs of the other (their
hopes, wants, what might be important to them).
E: “Were you hoping to make your life a little easier by not having to deal with bushes?”
M: “Are you feeling frustrated b/c we talked about this last time and it happened again?”
Needs Based Honesty: Sharing your own needs without blame or expectation - when the
other person is truly ready to hear you.
E: “It’s important to me that I can count on you following through with agreements so that
I can trust you and count on you.”
Needs-based Self-Reflection: Connecting to and being present with your immediate, as well
as “larger” needs (hopes, wants, what is important to you).
M [internal dialogue]: I’m feeling annoyed because I want the trust between us to be
strong enough to resist small failures to follow through.
Needs-based Requests: Clear communication about a strategy that would help meet a need
of yours (different from a demand)
What might a request look like?.
Role play with Rosenberg

Class Demonstration?
Further Resources

Center for Nonviolent Communication


www.cnvc.org (includes workshop schedule, trainer info, and
complete list of books and videos)

Conflict Hotline (live role plays with NVC coach)


www.youtube.com (type in “conflict hotline”)

NVC Academy (telecourses, audio-courses, and free materials)


www.nvctraining.com

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