Dear Annie: My husband and I have been married for 21 years. Our sex life has been very active, but other than that, he’s never shown me public affection.
Whenever we go out, whether it’s to the store, kids’ concerts, open house at school, or sports tournaments, he never walks with me. In fact, he usually walks far in front of me and never holds my hand.
Neither of us has much of a social life because we’re so busy with the kids’ sports practices and travel tournaments. So having an affair would be a bit difficult. That being said, my husband loves talking to people while we’re out at these tournaments, and because he was pretty well known for his abilities in this specific sport, women just flock to him.
He’s also an amazing coach for these young kids. He just does an amazing job and the kids love him. So when we were at a tournament and he received a text, I opened it thinking it was something regarding the games. Instead, it was a picture (nonsexual but somewhat romantic) from a woman he used to work with.
I was upset, so I scrolled through all of their texts and came across a message from her saying she loved him. He didn’t respond, though of course he could have erased it and mistakenly left hers, or he could have called her. I became really upset and screamed at him, and he turned it around on me. He said that, since I work in a male-dominated environment, I must have done things as well. There is no truth to this accusation because I love my family. He’s being rotten to me now, and I’m at a loss about what to believe or not believe.
Please don’t recommend marriage counseling because that’s just not us. In all honesty, what do you think? -- Lost in NY
Dear Lost in NY: In all honesty, I think your marriage has a bigger hole in the bucket than you want to acknowledge. I’m sure he is an amazing man, as you say, and I KNOW that marriage counseling could help both of you vent your feelings honestly, but if that is not for both of you, then I would recommend that you find your own therapist to explore your hurt feelings. Have you ever told your husband that it would be nice to hold hands in public, or for him to put his arm around you, or for you to lean on his arm when you walk? Not all the time, but once in a while. His suggestion that you must have “done things as well” at work because it is a male-dominated environment is troubling. By “things,” does he mean flirting or cheating? Big difference, and talking together will help both of you sort out what is going on.
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“How Can I Forgive My Cheating Partner?” is out now! Annie Lane’s second anthology -- featuring favorite columns on marriage, infidelity, communication and reconciliation -- is available as a paperback and e-book. Visit http://www.creatorspublishing.com for more information. Send your questions for Annie Lane to [email protected].
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