Miss Manners: Deciding on a relationship with a child in the mix

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have been with my boyfriend, “Eli,” for four years. We fell in love during the pandemic and have pulled through many difficult situations together, strengthening our bond.

Eli is about to get full custody of his 8-year-old daughter, “Cat.” It’s a very overwhelming process, but so far, but we are coming together to support each other at each hurdle. Here’s the caveat: I have only been around Cat a handful of times. While I care about her because she is my love’s daughter, I don’t feel a connection with her at all.

I have connected with my former partners’ children through the years, and with other children, but it’s not always a given for me. My whole life, I have either felt connected to a child right away or not at all.

Eli told me it’s possible that soon, Cat will be living with us five days a week, only spending weekends with her grandmother. I am feeling scared about losing my boyfriend because of my lack of connection with Cat.

What do I do? Stay and try to have a future with him and his daughter? Take a chance that it might work? Or do we break up sooner rather than later?

GENTLE READER: While Miss Manners appreciates your myopic self-knowledge, she would offer that sometimes it takes more than a “handful of times” spent with someone to develop love. Presumably this was the case with your romantic partner -- and the bond seems to only have gotten stronger with you two over time.

But if the gamble of loving the child is not worth it to you, by all means break up with her father now. Please know, however, that there will never be hope for a future with him if you tell him the reason why.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, [email protected]; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

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