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Mark Cavendish at peace with himself and the world after emerging from 'dark' fight with depression
Mark Cavendish has found his "happy place" and is enjoying family time in lockdown
The world may be going through a scary, unnerving time right now but Mark Cavendish, on a purely personal level, is pleased to report that he is in his “happy place”. Literally and metaphorically. Holed up on his beloved Isle of Man. Surrounded by family. Life is, if not exactly normal, then certainly not too bad.
Cavendish insists he has much for which to be thankful. When you have lost the best part of two seasons to Epstein-Barr virus, as Cavendish did in 2017 and 2018; when you have broken your shoulder so badly you will never be completely pain-free again; when you have been written off countless times; and most importantly when you have battled clinical depression - something Cavendish is speaking about for the first time today and which, mercifully, he says he is now over - you count your blessings.
“I had this going on for two years - the unknown of when you're going back racing - so I'm actually winning,” Cavendish replies when asked how he is coping with lockdown. “Being on the indoor trainer, in the gym every day… Okay, it was interspersed with racing. But now I've been doing that and feeling good, [rather than] not doing that and feeling like a sack of s---.”
Cavendish is not downplaying the seriousness of coronavirus, or the suspension of the season and the impact that may have on countless businesses and individuals. Bahrain-McLaren were one of the first pro teams to impose wage deferrals on staff and riders, up to 70 per cent of salaries. While he can afford it, others in the industry will undoubtedly struggle. Professionally speaking, this was a big year for Cavendish given his age - he is 35 next month - and the fact that he is trying to reestablish himself at a new team.
He just refuses to dwell on the negatives.
Sitting on a mat in his home gym, peering down the lens of his camera on a Zoom chat, Cavendish smiles. There are, he points out, worse things than being cooped up indoors riding around virtual worlds on Apps such as Zwift and TrainerRoad. “Look, I'm a racer,” he says. “We want to get out and race, that's obvious. But it is what it is. There's worse problems in the world than a few athletes not being able to compete right now. I think we're still in a more fortunate position than some other people so just make the most of it, I guess.”
A glance at Cavendish’s Instagram feed over the last few weeks suggests he has been doing just that. There are pictures of him with his son Frey building a model Power Ranger; sitting at his sewing machine “putting a hem into a DIY den for the kids” (perhaps not that unusual a pastime for a man who was a ballroom dancing champion growing up on the Isle of Man); with the whole family doing PE with Joe Wicks in the morning; a touching tribute to daughter Delilah on her eighth birthday.
Cavendish says he is lucky. He does “three hours a day” on Zwift, sometimes longer (Although he notes: "From a personal point of view, I’m f----- if we start competing on e-Racing because I race on tactics.”) and is able to escape the house once daily. “I live right out on the lanes so I can do a ride without going near anyone. It's my happy place.”
Mostly, after years on the treadmill, he just wants to spend time with his children. Cavendish is loving being a full-time dad for the first time, even if "three hours with them [his four kids] is more tiring than three hours on the turbo trainer”.
"It’s relentless," he says laughing. "Like, the boys, physically, they run around and you’ve got to stop them jumping off stuff or climbing on stuff. But the girl, like, she mentally consumes.… But it’s brilliant. It’s so nice to see their personalities come out."
Two years ago, Cavendish was not in such a happy place. He says he “battled hard” with clinical depression, with which he was diagnosed in August 2018, shortly after he was forced to abandon that year’s Tour after missing the time cut on stage 11. Little did Cavendish realise it at the time but he was in fact still struggling with the effects of Epstein-Barr.
The mishandling of that debilitating illness and subsequent breakdown of his relationship with Dimension Data principal Doug Ryder took him to a “dark” place, although he is adamant he does not want depression or his mental health to dominate this interview. He says he sought external medical help and did not take any medication.
"It’s not just been my physical health which has been dealt a blow over the last couple of years," he says. "I’ve battled quite hard with depression during this time. I think I’ve come out of that. And it’s nice to have come out of that. And to look for the positives. Like, I get to be more of a dad at the minute. I don’t have to worry about sitting on my arse after training because I know I have to race the week after or whatever. I can be a dad and play about and jump about.
"I think it could have been easy for me to go through my whole career and only see the kids once they’re teenagers. And not see this part of their lives. To be able to absorb this... it’s only been a couple of weeks now, but it’s already been so nice to have that. To be able to do what mums and dads do, like, it keeps me happy, it keeps me super motivated, and it keeps me sane I guess."
It helps, he says, that he is now at a team he “loves”. Cavendish joined Bahrain-McLaren over the winter, a move which reunited him with his old British Cycling academy coach and mentor Rod Ellingworth. He describes it as a “dream” come true.
“On a personal level, not just a professional level,” he says. “I'm a fan of motorsport and a fan of McLaren and I was lucky to work with the company on a small scale across my career but to be able to race now with that brand on my jersey, it's pretty special. I still have to rein in my fanboy attitude sometimes.”
And while there is frustration that he has been unable to find out where exactly his form is, one senses there is less angst than before. Whereas in recent years it has been all about whether Cavendish can add to those 30 Tour stage wins, whether he can chase down Eddy Merckx’s record of 34, whether he is finished as a force, Cavendish sounds more and more at peace with himself and the world.
Whether it’s the prospect of the Tour de France going ahead this summer ("I don't know, I'm just a rider. Speculation right now makes brilliant quotes for you but it's a waste of energy for me"), a possible shot at Tokyo 2021 ("It's not up to me whether I go or not, it's down to the selectors"), or whether he can still cut it against the Fernando Gavirias and Caleb Ewans of the world ("I don't need to think about that but just continue to worry where I'm at, what I'm doing and being confident that I am fit again."), he is phlegmatic.
Ellingworth, who knows him better than anyone, is hopeful. “His form is not like 2016 [when Cavendish won Madison gold on the track, four stages of the Tour, Olympic omnium silver and finished runner-up at the road worlds] but he’s getting there,” he says. “If that was 10 out of 10, he’s somewhere like 7 at the minute. He came to us 1 or 2 out of 10. That's physical, mental, the passion for it.”
Some might see the lack of spikiness as a sign that the Manx racer has lost his edge; that aggression, the cockiness that took him to the top. Don’t write him off. Cavendish believes he still has what it takes. He is still on the turbo every day, busting a gut trying to stay fit, hoping to prove his doubters wrong. He is just not going to lose sleep over it any more. There are more important things in life.
“It’s not like it’s just me this time,” Cavendish reflects. “The other years it was just me and everyone else was getting fit, everyone was racing and I was stuck at home. Now there is no competition to perform in so it’s not like I’m missing out.
“You can only be so frustrated. All we can do is try and keep people safe and get back to normal as soon as we can.”