![British men are three times more likely to kill themselves than women](/https/www.telegraph.co.uk/content/dam/men/2016/03/03/BBYHK7_trans_NvBQzQNjv4BqFmdtdovgxskirSSG45rbt8FhfGM2zRzKjwiAbLfWNNk.jpg?imwidth=680)
My boyfriend was suicidal – and I had no idea
![British men are three times more likely to kill themselves than women](/https/www.telegraph.co.uk/content/dam/men/2016/03/03/BBYHK7_trans_NvBQzQNjv4BqFmdtdovgxskirSSG45rbt8FhfGM2zRzKjwiAbLfWNNk.jpg?imwidth=680)
His depression killed our relationship, and there was nothing either of us could do about it.
They say it’s often the loudest person in the room, the one with the brightest smile, who is suffering the most. I never really understood or believed that, until my boyfriend and best friend of five years sat me down one day and told me he’d been thinking about killing himself.
In hindsight, the warning signs were there. He had become increasingly withdrawn. He never slept or else he slept all day. He wanted to be drunk or stoned all the time. And to excess. One time I sat crying in helplessness next to him for hours while he lay passed out in a scorching hot field at a festival, caked in his own puke. Too drunk to move. Too heavy for me to move him.
His career had hit the rocks and he'd lost interest in pretty much everything he had ever cared about – me included. This man I loved felt alone.
![Man](/https/www.telegraph.co.uk/content/dam/men/2016/03/03/B79HEH_trans_NvBQzQNjv4BqplGOf-dgG3z4gg9owgQTXEmhb5tXCQRHAvHRWfzHzHk.jpg?imwidth=350)
The sorry truth is that he wasn't. Suicide and depression hangs of British men like a heavy cloud. In the UK in 2015, men accounted for more than three times as many suicides as women, while suicide is the leading cause of death among men under the age of 35. What’s more, 42pc of men in the UK have suffered from depression at some point in their lives.
According to Dr. John Ogrodniczuk, co-founder of HeadsUpGuys (a website that aims to provide men with information and practical tips to help manage and prevent depression), these awful statistics are the result of a masculine complex, whereby young boys are often raised in line with what’s considered gender-appropriate behaviour. "Studies have revealed a constellation of masculine ideals prohibiting emotional awareness and expression and visible signs of sadness including crying," says Dr. Ogrodniczuk. "Instead, independence, competitiveness, emotional stoicism, and self-control are expected of men."
Symptoms of depression also manifest themselves differently in men than women, which can make the depression all the harder to identify. According to HeadsUpGuys, when depressed, men can become irritable and aggressive, work compulsively, isolate themselves from friends and family, drink more than normal, and engage in high risk activities. Not so the weeping sadness of women (although, of course, it's not always that simple).
If only someone had told me. Had told my boyfriend. He'd displayed, in different doses, all those symptoms, but until he sat me down and confessed his mind's dark secret, I had no idea he was actually depressed, only exceedingly sad.
I didn’t realise what a weight it had been – on him, on me, on our relationship – until he came to me that evening and told me that he had been thinking of killing himself. He said the depression had become so bad that he'd sleep with someone else. Or at least that he thought he had slept with someone else; he had been so far gone, so often, he couldn’t really remember.
It was in that moment that I truly grasped what it is like to live with depression. Despite his infidelity, I felt overwhelmingly like I had failed him.
I had tried to talk to him, of course I had, but he didn’t want to talk and so eventually I guess I stopped pushing as much. Wrongly, I assumed that had something really been wrong he would have spoken to me; after all, I turned to him for comfort whenever I needed it. But again, men and women deal with things (or not deal with things) differently. And ultimately, no matter how much you want to help someone, they also have to be willing to help themselves.
And so I was faced with a choice: to leave or to try and rebuild. I took the latter option and we spent weeks working on a ‘happiness project’, identifying aspects of his life he felt he needed to improve and how we could set about trying to improve them. It was always a ‘we’ and I was sure, with perseverance, we could kick it.
![MPs were warned recently that male suicide is now a public health emergency](/https/www.telegraph.co.uk/content/dam/men/2016/03/03/ABTYAX_2345179b-large_trans%2B%2BpJliwavx4coWFCaEkEsb3kvxIt-lGGWCWqwLa_RXJU8_trans_NvBQzQNjv4BqqVzuuqpFlyLIwiB6NTmJwfSVWeZ_vEN7c6bHu2jJnT8.jpg?imwidth=350)
Depression casts a heavy, thick, ugly cloud over life. For a while, it felt like our shared project was working – and then, a few months later, I found he had been unfaithful again. That time, it didn’t feel like I had a choice. I had to walk away, for the sake of my own health as much as his.
"Many guys don't talk about mental health or emotions at all and don't realize how common depression is or that recovery is possible," explains Joshua Beharry, project coordinator at HeadsUpGuys. "Starting a conversation is an important step. Encourage him to consult a professional, if he's hesitant ask him why – wouldn't he seek support for other illnesses like cancer or diabetes? Getting support for depression should be no different."
And so we should talk. We should listen. We should encourage talking and encourage listening. We should keep reiterating that depression is not something to be embarrassed about. That it doesn’t mean that you are weak. It is a human experience and something that can be eased by talking. Where talk exists, so does hope.
* Evie Moore is a pseudonym