Why is there a recurring problem with men and female personal space? One would have thought that “personal” would say it all. But it’s as if some men interpret this as, “Cop a feel, whenever you like.” As was evidenced by the behaviour of US vice president Joe Biden. While Ashton Carter was being sworn in as defense secretary, Biden placed his hands on the shoulders of Carter’s wife, Stephanie, for around 20 unspeakably tense seconds, whispered into her ear, and finally let her go.
While this was going on, Stephanie Carter had The Look that most women would recognise. The look that said: “Sweet Jesus, he’s touching me. Stay calm.” She was visibly cringing, but trapped by circumstances. She could hardly yell, “Don’t touch me!” at the veep during a public ceremony. Then there’s the hideous automatic all-too female slide into coping mode – the inbuilt conditioning to keep the peace. Ms Carter should have been enjoying a special moment in her husband’s career – not enduring the clammy grip of a handsy political silverback, whose position in life suggests that (despite all the apologists for “his generation”) he’s intelligent enough to know exactly what he’s doing.
Biden has form for this kind of thing (hugging colleagues’ daughters; nuzzling female politicians). And that’s just what he’s caught doing in public. There’s even a term for it – “Being Biden”. How about “Stop Being Biden”? No one’s suggesting that the females Biden paws are under sexual threat, but it’s not always about sexual threat. It can just be about dealing with someone else’s dreary personal problem – a kind of halitosis of the hands. I don’t care if he’s a good ol’ boy who means no harm. Why do men like Biden give themselves permission to touch random women at all?
Once again, we return to the sanctity of personal space, and how everybody, male and female, deserves the right to operate their own “border controls”, either on the street, in an office, or at the swearing-in ceremony of a new defense secretary. Being arbitrarily touched by someone can be unpleasant, jarring, and intimidating. Non-touching men would be amazed by how much the average woman deals with it – from Biden-style gripping, to lunging dips, to hands on arms, to bizarre hovering over smalls of backs, to outright grabs.
And please could we refrain from the mendacious framing of it as an “equal opportunities problem”. Even though it happens to some males sometimes, it happens to females all the time. Try to imagine the White House situation with the roles reversed – Stephanie Carter gripping Biden’s shoulders; or, to even things up, Hillary Clinton or Angela Merkel doing the grabbing and whispering. It’s implausible to say the least.
Is it all just unfortunate misunderstandings? Perhaps, though more likely it’s power play – the “toucher” showing the “touchee” that they don’t need permission. Instances of politicians touching each other (hands pressed down on shoulders; the covering hand in a handshake) are sometimes perceived as shows of dominance – it seems no different between a man and a woman.
Even misunderstandings could be avoided by men allowing women to operate an “invitation-only” policy. If a woman wants a man to touch her, even just casually as a friend, she’s capable of making it obvious, maybe by lightly touching him first. Until this happens, men shouldn’t even think about touching random women – it is that simple. If a woman wants to let a man into her personal space, to any degree, she will let him know; if she doesn’t, or it’s unclear, then it’s probably best they keep their mitts to themselves. It’s time that men such as Biden got acquainted with this concept of “invitation-only”. Just as women have to unpick their own good-girl conditioning about personal space, and truly start to believe that they’re entitled to some.
Pistorius has rights, like all prisoners
Reeva Steenkamp’s family members are angry that her killer, Oscar Pistorius, is receiving privileges in Pretoria Central Prison in South Africa. Pistorius, who was convicted of culpable homicide, and sentenced to five years, has been re-categorised. He is now not a category B prisoner, but category A, meaning that, among other things, he receives longer, better quality visits, and more pocket money and phone calls. As Pistorius (who is appealing) is no longer considered a flight risk, he could be released as early as this year, spending the remainder of his sentence under house arrest.
The Steenkamps lost a cherished family member in grotesque circumstances – they would have to be superhuman not to be permanently angry about everything to do with Pistorius, not least the possibility of his early release from prison. However, with due respect, it can’t be any of their business how Pistorius is treated within the prison walls. Pistorius won his new privileges with good behaviour. Some might think, so what? After what he did, he shouldn’t have the opportunity to win privileges – he should be hanging by manacles from a wall. It’s not as if Reeva Steenkamp is around to win privileges.
Cases such as these inspire high emotion, which is exactly why it’s so important to keep everything calm, formal, and not allow feelings to get in the way. Pretoria Central Prison sounds far from being a holiday camp. Moreover, how fairly and humanely prisoners (however notorious) are treated within their penal system is an important indicator of the general good health of any society.
However much the instinct is for someone such as Pistorius to suffer, and rot, the fact that he and his case are being handled this way is a good sign, not a bad one.
Been invited to Chequers? Eat before you set off
The prime minister’s bill for hospitality at Chequers for three months last year came to about £1,900, for 29 guests, including the Queen and Claudia Schiffer. That’s about £65 a head, which initially sounds quite a lot. You’d get loads of Doritos for that, or, for the more sophisticated, M&S olives tipped into bowls with some kitchen towel grudgingly handed around.
Mind you, details of the hospitality remain tantalisingly unclear. Was it drinks and nibbles, supper, or a fun-packed sleepover? If I attended, I’d need the Camerons to get in some cheese straws in case I got peckish before sups. I’m also vegetarian, so they’d have to nip out for Linda McCartney sausages or some quality Quorn. I’d also like chocolate on my pillow – a Twix would do.
However, one can’t imagine Schiffer being happy about whacking a wine box against the wall to get the last bit out, and wouldn’t the Queen blow the budget, demanding new Tupperware for her Bombay Mix? Nineteen hundred quid isn’t going to go very far, not with spoiled famous people in the mix. The Camerons shouldn’t bother entertaining if they’re going to do it on the cheap.