Ask Dr. Mike: Make Valentine’s Day an Every Day Experience

By Dr. Michael Oberschneider

There’s no doubt that Loudoun County is a great place to raise kids, and surveys have placed us at the top of this category year after year across counties in the U.S. But is Loudoun County also a great place to have a marriage? With long commutes and long work days, busy kid schedules and tons of errands, remaining amorously connected to your wife or husband isn’t always easy.

So, I invite you to take a moment this Valentine’s Day to reflect on the current state of your relationship or marriage. Perhaps you might wish to make a few changes with your partner or spouse. I offer the following tips:

Date now! With Valentine’s Day falling on a weekday this year, you might think that being romantic or having a special date may need to wait. Right? Wrong. Time together with your significant other should be about the connection, and a good connection can happen anytime or anywhere. For example, a cup of coffee in bed and some time together in the morning with your sweetheart before the kids wake up may actually be a great date. Going for an evening stroll, working out at the gym or at home or heading out to Starbucks for a quick cappuccino are other date ideas. Remember, the date is about taking the time and making the effort to connect – the activity itself is simply the compliment to that moment.

Prioritize time for your partner. Whether it’s once a week, once every two weeks or once a month, prioritizing your time together as a couple and making a more formal date night a regular practice is a good idea for your relationship or marriage. If you have children, it’s also good to model your loving commitment in this way as spouses to your children.

Focus exclusively on your partner. For formal dates, I recommend that, as a couple, from the moment your car leaves your driveway until the moment your car returns to your driveway you not talk about your children at all – not even once! This isn’t easy for a lot of couples since being parents is such a big part of our identities as adults. But remember, your shared identity as a husband and wife matters just as much!

Size matters…and bigger isn’t always better. I took my wife out for a Slurpee at 7Eleven for our first date 13 years ago. I was flat broke at the time, and scrounging up enough change for the two drinks was about the best I could do, but it worked. We talked and laughed and learned about one another for hours upon hours. Sometimes a fancy dinner or a large, expensive gift is great, but the day to day connections with your partner is what she or he will appreciate most. Sure you can have a dozen long stem roses delivered to your spouse today, but maybe a single rose hand delivered by you with warmth and love this evening is the way to go.

Try new things together. Research on romantic bonding has found that the more time we spend together doing things with our partners, the more oxytocin we release. Oxytocin, nicknamed, “the love hormone” is pleasurably released in our brains when we experience true intimacy. So, sign up for a ballroom dance class or try a new cuisine or snuggle more often, and let your oxytocin flow!

Don’t feel guilty about giving to yourselves as a couple. There’s a common misperception in our society that our children should always come first. I suppose this is true, for example, if your child and spouse were hanging over a cliff at the same time and you could only save one of them. But how many cliff moments are there in life? For the day the day moments, it’s actually healthy to put your husband or wife first once and awhile on a date night or even for a getaway as a couple, and, again, it’s healthy for your children to see you do that.

Indulge in moderation. Yes, there’s always Uber if you drink too much, but if you choose to drink on your date, try to drink responsibly. While a drink or two can complement a lovely evening out with your significant other, too much vino or booze can end up ruining what would’ve otherwise been a great date!

Dr. Michael Oberschneider is the founder and director of Ashburn Psychological and Psychiatric Services. Send questions to [email protected].