Heraldic Boast for Fiore Leonetta Bardi's Laurel

Oye, oye, oye!
Comes now, Baronessa Fiore Leonetta Bardi
Illustrious daughter of Count Giovanni Bardi
A most wise and gracious man
Founder of the Florentine Camerata
Man of Letters
First Soldier of the Court of Grand Duke Cosimo di Medici
Commander of the Florentine Encampment to Siena
Designer of Arts and Music in the Beautiful City of Florence

(interrupted by Fortune Sancte Keyne, saying "He's not even here!")

What? Oh.

(pause, tone shift from praise to scorn)

Since he has not appeared of his own volition
Let me list the reasons why he should be called to answer to this court
For the violations of sumptuary laws
By his only daughter, Baronessa Fiore Leonetta Bardi

I list:
Using more than 15 palmos of fabric
Wearing the symbol of the stag on her person
Mixing of gold and silver threads
Wearing more than 21oz of gold on one garment at a time
Using precious rubies upon the bodice of her gowns
Using pearls upon the bodice of her gowns, a right permitted ONLY to the Medici
Dressing herself with a combination of Lapis Lazuli and Sapphire
Being found armed in public
And wearing black outside of mourning, a violation THIS VERY DAY

For these and many, many other offenses,
I present to Your Majesties
For your scorn or admiration
Baronessa Fiore Leonetta Bardi