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Moving From Texting to Real Life

Got a Great Textual Connection With a Crush? Here's How to Take It IRL

June 8, 2024

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If you’ve got a big crush on someone you barely know — if at all — in real life, and only know them online, well, you’re not alone.

The concept of desiring someone from afar wasn’t invented recently. Love letters are a storied part of human history, and in centuries past, many people fell in love with others via the written word long before meeting in real life.

But all that history doesn’t mean that moving a flirtatious vibe from texting to real life today is a simple affair.

Besides the uncertainty of whether or not the textual chemistry will be present IRL as well, there are all kinds of concerns: What if one of you finds the other’s voice unattractive? Or the real person doesn’t match their photos? What if, robbed of the safety of screen-based conversations, you blurt out something stupid or offend them? The list goes on.

On the flip side, however, taking things from digital to real life can pay off in incredible ways. Whether it’s chastely holding each other’s hands or having lengthy sex marathons, physical touch with someone you’re into can be a seriously awesome experience, and being together in the same place means you can make lasting memories that typing conversations into your phones can’t quite replicate.

So in order to help you navigate the jump from texting to real life, AskMen spoke to a trio of dating and relationship experts. Here’s what they had to say:

The Importance of Texting in Modern Dating

“Texting has never been more important in dating than in 2024,” says dating coach Connell Barrett, host of the How to Get a Girlfriend podcast. “It’s now woven into the fabric of dating, just as much as cocktails, flirting and first kisses. It’s part of the courtship process.”

“Whether you want love or lust,” he says, these days, “you have to get good at texting.”

“Texting is now essential to modern dating,” Jess O’Reilly, Ph.D, Tinder Canada’s relationship expert, agrees. “Coming out of the pandemic, we're seeing an entire generation of daters who had to rely on screens to connect while coming of age.”

But as much as texting may feel like a young person’s game, that’s not the whole picture, she notes: “It’s not only younger daters who require texting skills to connect, as around half of relationships are now beginning online.”

And today, those texting skills mean much more than just the words you’re putting together, says relationship therapist Dr. Emily May at Private Sugar Club.

She stresses the importance of the “tone, timing and frequency of your messages” — a concept that the dating app Hinge describes as your “digital body language.”

“When done correctly, texting can actually help people to establish a connection, build a rapport and even build a level of excitement, anticipation and trust before they actually meet,” May explains. Then, after a date, “texting can help to keep the spark alive before meeting in person again.”

In addition to representing a connecting thread between in-person meetups, an ongoing text conversation can also represent the foundation of an attraction between two people.

“For those who like to move slowly and thoughtfully, texting allows you the time (and distance) to really think about what you want to convey,” says O’Reilly.

“Texting also gives you space to focus on connection beyond appearances, which can cultivate value for authenticity,” she explains. According to Tinder's 2023 Future of Dating Report, O’Reilly notes, young people today care more about traits like loyalty, open-mindedness and clear dating intentions than physical appearance.

Of course, texting as a means of flirting isn’t for everyone.

“For those who rely on body language, facial expressions, tone and other in-person nuances to convey what we want and how we feel, texting can feel one-dimensional,” says O’Reilly. “For others, texting can feel impersonal and create a sense of distance, as you can’t always pick up on chemistry and attraction from words on screen.”

However, it doesn’t seem likely that some form of texting will be going away any time soon.

“For context, in 2000 the average man who had access to texting sent about 5 text messages per day,” Barrett says. “Today, almost everyone texts, and a 35-year-old guy sends about 52 texts daily, according to data analytics company Intelligent Contacts.”

The good news, O’Reilly says, is that “texting and in-app messaging now allow for additional options — GIFs, memes, voice notes, video, etc. — so it can still be used to share your personality and cultivate connection.”

“For example, if you’re more visual, you may use emojis to express how you’re feeling and respond to their messages,” she says. “If you’re more audial, you may send voice notes. The capacity to use a range of communication devices can help daters to communicate more clearly and personalize the interactions.”

Dos & Don’ts for Switching from Texting to Real Life

So you’ve established a textual connection with someone — whether actual text messages, messages on a social media platform, or even a dating app. Now what?

Moving things to real life can seem daunting, but staying forever in the relative safety of texting may lead to your crush getting bored, changing their mind, or meeting someone else. If you’re serious about your attraction for them, asking to meet up in person for a first date is almost always a good next move.

Don’t: Let the Digital Conversation Drag on Endlessly

“Don’t wait for a potential date to ask you to meet up in real life; if you’re into them, make your move,” O’Reilly suggests. “If the banter is going well, don't hesitate to take a chance and ask for an IRL date. Chances are, someone is interested.”

If they aren’t, that doesn’t negate the fact that you enjoyed the conversations and thought it was worth a shot. It’s far from impossible to end up being friends with someone you used to have a crush on.

As far as when to make your move, O’Reilly says it depends.

“There is no universal standard, so decide what works for you. Perhaps you decide to ask about an IRL meetup after ten days of chatting online, or five online conversations. These example deadlines are arbitrary, but you can decide how you want to allocate your time and use timelines to nudge yourself to take the next step.”

That being said, if your crush typically takes a long time to respond, that might be a sign that they don’t feel the same way.

RELATED: When Should I Text My Crush?

“You shouldn't be waiting two weeks for a text back,” says O’Reilly. “78% of surveyed young singles on Tinder said they respond to a crush within just 30 minutes.”

Do: Be Upfront About Your Intentions

“Honest and open communication is key — you need to be able to discuss your intentions and expectations, whether you’re looking for something serious or just want some fun,” says May. “Whatever it is, consent and mutual understanding will ensure that you’re both on the same page. Make sure you know exactly what it is the other person wants from the meeting before arranging to meet.”

That doesn’t mean you have to go into the meeting with a crystal-clear plan and never deviate, but it does mean that if your intentions are sexual or romantic, you should be upfront about that interest when you suggest meeting up.

You could say something like,

Hey, I’ve been really enjoying talking to you lately. And I have to confess, I find you very attractive. How would you feel about meeting up and seeing what our connection feels like in person? It doesn’t have to be a date necessarily, but we could see what the vibe is like and take things from there.

Without that kind of clarity, the other person may well go into your date thinking it’s a friend hang, and that could make things much more complicated when the time comes to make your attraction clear, whether they feel the same way or not.

Don’t: Go All-Out on Your First Date

As with texting constant witticisms, overdoing it on date planning can be a sign of insecurity and not what the other person wants, necessarily.

“Don’t feel pressured into arranging something really romantic,” May says. “A walk in the local park can be just as nice when you’re getting to know someone.”

RELATED: Top 10 First Date Ideas

O’Reilly agrees.

“You may find you’re more inclined to transition to an IRL date if it’s lower pressure (e.g. a coffee during a workday break or a walk in the morning before work),” she says. “Choosing a specific time block (as opposed to an open-ended evening) can help to assuage anxiety, as neither of you has to call the date to a close, as you know when the date will end in advance.”

Do: Be Present

Though phones may have helped you connect initially, when you meet up, O’Reilly recommends you put your phone away. And putting it on “do not disturb” or at least mute is a good idea so you’re not tempted by notifications.

No one likes being ignored while the person they’re talking to stares at their phone. And even if you just have it out on the table, O’Reilly says, “we have research on technoference indicating that the mere presence of phones detracts from connection, trust and attraction.”

Don’t: Overthink Things

“As with any dating, don’t overthink it and just be yourself,” says May. “This is much more important than trying to be perfect.”

“Instead of interviewing them to see if they ‘check boxes,’ enjoy yourself,” O’Reilly recommends. “Tune into what you’re feeling in your body during the date rather than running through a checklist in your mind. You can’t be present if you’re ‘spectatoring’ (looking in on the experience as a third-party observer).”

Do: Pay Your Date a Flirty Compliment or Two

Even if you’re clear about your attraction beforehand, if you’re unwilling to demonstrate or discuss that on the date, your crush might get the wrong impression from you. This, says Barrett, is where flirty compliments come in.

“Some men bravely flirt over text, but they play it too safe in real-life interactions,” he says. “It can be scary to say the flirty thing IRL. But you are allowed to flirt in person! It’s not creepy, as long as you keep things light and G-rated. It takes confidence to flirt IRL, but hey, confidence is very attractive.”

And not only is there a good chance your crush will appreciate your flirty compliment, it’ll help establish you as someone who’s interested in them as more than just a friend.

Don’t: Get Too Hung Up on a Specific Outcome

Even if you’ve built up what feels like a strong connection over texts, a first in-person meeting might still be awkward or otherwise unpleasant. Unfortunately, that’s just the way it works with first dates.

RELATED: Worst First Date Situations

“Try not to take it personally if the date is awkward,” says May. “Building genuine relationships and connections takes time and patience, and every experience can be used as a learning tool.”

And don’t try to force it if the other person is still into things but you’re having second thoughts.

“You should never ignore any red flags or gut instincts,” says May. “If something doesn’t feel right, then trust yourself.”

But if you’re both interested in each other and just had an underwhelming first meeting, if your texting connection is strong, a second date might not be a bad idea.

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