Is it OK to ask who one intends to (or did) vote for? I know it wasn’t correct to do in the past, but I feel things have changed. With certain groups having so much more to lose than others, I feel I need to just plainly ask this question so I know who I am dealing with and how they value me and my human rights. I don’t want to spend too much time with people who don’t see me as an equal human being. Or am I oversimplifying a very complex idea?
C.C. / Haverhill
I wholly agree with your concerns and feel the same way. Disagreeing about the marginal tax rate or how bike lanes should be implemented is one thing — disagreements on values, basic facts, and human rights are another. It’s healthy self-care to not want people in your life who intend to make your life worse. But asking a person who they’re voting for — while not wrong — isn’t necessarily the most strategic move.
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In the case of new acquaintances who might become friends, or potential dating partners — in other words, people whose presence in your life is entirely optional — ask away, while being aware that this is something folks might not be honest about, especially on dating apps. In the case of neighbors, co-workers, and the like — people whom you’re not really going to be able to get away from — don’t. For one thing, you probably won’t have to; you’ll find out one way or another. And if you don’t, ask yourself what would be gained by knowing? We’re talking about people you’re still going to need to maintain some kind of civil relationship with regardless. So don’t ask questions if the answers are going to make it harder to get on with your life.
What you need to be concerned about with regard to unavoidable people with unknown politics is how they are treating you on the day-to-day. And the complicated fact of the matter is, people who vote to hurt you as a member of a vulnerable group are also capable of helping you on an individual level. Both of those things are true. People embroiled in some of history’s worst ideologies have done good deeds, even to people from the very groups they were trying to harm. The reverse is also true: People can say the right words and pledge support to the right causes, while exploiting and harassing and hurting the individuals in their lives.
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Public convictions and private behavior don’t always match up. Judge your neighbors and colleagues solely by how they act in those roles. This isn’t turning a blind eye to bigger issues; it’s recognizing that we live on the micro and macro levels simultaneously. Vote, donate, educate, agitate — but if you need a battery jump, or want someone to look over your slide deck, you don’t need to apply a political purity test.
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Miss Conduct is Robin Abrahams, a writer with a PhD in psychology.