I’m married to two people

We wound up moving to Europe after he took a job there, and we found a beautiful apartment in a city that does sleep. I had an allowance and started dressing like an adult in expensive clothes and dining in nice restaurants where we were waited on — a nice change for someone who hated being a server.

Then came a man from Germany who moved into an apartment a floor below in the same building. Either he seduced me or vice versa, but within a week of meeting him I was spending a couple nights a week with him, and finally I was basically living with him instead of my husband. I still loved my husband and talked to him every day, but this other man and I had such chemistry.

I wound up leaving my husband to travel with this other man. That was a year ago and we’ve been all over the world. We even got married in one of these countries, even though I know it is illegal to be married to two people. It was just done on a whim, and I thought it didn’t mean anything until it did.

Now we are staying at this man’s parents’ house, and they think I am his wife, which technically I am, but my real husband is someone else and always will be. I want out of this relationship and to go back to my husband. He doesn’t know about the second marriage, and it would upset him if he found out.

I also am fully aware of my shortcomings as a person. The reason it has been so easy to be with this other man this past year is he is just as immature as I am.

I know I like the thrill of being with someone new too much to ever give it up. I know I get away with far more than most women because of my looks, but to be honest, on the grand scale, my husband (the real one) is better looking than I am, and I resent that. I also resent that he is successful and came from nothing, and I have never done anything substantial in my life.

Worst of all, I know I can make every vow to myself to change, but if another handsome man takes an interest in me, I’ll go right back to the easy path in life. What’s even more depressing is that my husband doesn’t expect me to change in the slightest.

I am leaving this second man next week and I am too much of a coward to tell him that. I will just take the ferry and catch a flight.

I wish I had a purpose in life and a dream that inspired me. I need someone to tell me in no uncertain terms what to do.

LEAVING

A. I could tell you to do a bunch of things, but it sounds like you’ve already decided on a path.

You’ll leave your second husband without saying goodbye. You’ll return to your first husband unchanged, with no lessons learned.

You’ll do all of this all over again at some point.

Right?

Or maybe you can take a few small steps to be a better version of yourself. You care about both of these men, so why not show it? What if you wrote a letter to your second husband that explains why you’re leaving? You can tell him you love your first husband and need to return to reality.

This second guy married you knowing you were already married. Perhaps he’s more open to the idea of someone needing to pick up and go.

You could also take the initiative and call a lawyer back at home — someone who can help you undo the paperwork for your second marriage. Find out about options without expecting your first husband to swoop in and help.

You can also find a therapist near home — a professional who can help you be better to yourself. Sure, you mistreat other people, but you also judge your own history, even though you were having fun in your 20s and living the life you wanted. Now that you’re older, you don’t give yourself time to find the purpose and dream you desire.

Very little you do seems to be about your own long-term happiness. That’s something to discuss.

Advice in “no uncertain terms” is a tough thing, but I will say with confidence that you could benefit from talking to a mental health professional. You can ask, “Why do I do this?” There might be answers. You have to care enough about yourself and your loved ones to get them.

MEREDITH

READERS RESPOND:

I agree that therapy is a good idea just to spend a bit of time understanding your past and trying to figure out what you want in your future. I think that this dramatic back and forth with relationships is a real high for some people, it feels great and it feels terrible and it’s really hard to resist. Regular married life is much more predictable and stable, that doesn’t suit everyone.

GOODNIGHT-MOON

I don’t know why you keep trying to use marriage for curative properties when it is no such thing. Divorce them both for a start. They’re just getting in the way of you taking ownership of your life.

LIBRARY-QUEEN

You don’t love yourself and until you do, you cannot love someone else.

SUNALSORISES

Send your own relationship and dating questions to [email protected] or fill out this form. Catch new episodes of Meredith Goldstein’s “Love Letters” podcast at loveletters.show or wherever you listen to podcasts. Column and comments are edited and reprinted from boston.com/loveletters.