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Safe People: How to Find Relationships That Are Good for You and Avoid Those That Aren't
Too many of us have invested ourselves into relationships that left us deeply wounded. We've been abandoned or taken advantage of, and left with little to show for what we've given. We've lost our sense of security and personal value in the process. And what's worse, we tend to either repeat the same mistakes of judgment over and over . . . Or else lock the doors of our hearts entirely and throw away the key. Why do we choose the wrong people to get involved with? Is it possible to change? And if so, where does one begin? Drs. Henry Cloud and John Townsend offer solid guidance for making safe choices in relationships, from friendships to romance. They help identify the nurturing people we all need in our lives, as well as ones we need to learn to avoid. Safe People will help you to recognize 20 traits of relationally untrustworthy people. Discover what makes some people relationally safe, and how to avoid unhealthy entanglements. You'll learn about things within yourself that jeopardize your relational security. And you'll find out what to do and what not to do to develop a balanced, healthy approach to relationships.
199 pages, Paperback
First published May 13, 1995
About the author
Henry Cloud
273 books1,942 followersDr. Cloud has written or co-written twenty-five books, including the two million-seller Boundaries. His most recent books are Boundaries for Leaders and Necessary Endings. He has earned three Gold Medallion awards, and was awarded the distinguished Retailers Choice award for God Will Make A Way.
As president of Cloud-Townsend Resources, Dr. Cloud has produced and conducted hundreds of public seminars around the country. He speaks on relationships—marriage, parenting, dating, personal growth, and spirituality. His seminars are often broadcast live to over two thousand venues at a time.
As president of Cloud-Townsend Resources, Dr. Cloud has produced and conducted hundreds of public seminars around the country. He speaks on relationships—marriage, parenting, dating, personal growth, and spirituality. His seminars are often broadcast live to over two thousand venues at a time.
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 428 reviews
July 15, 2015
Okay first of all, I listened to the audiobook of this and it was hilarious. Like, just imagine a really calm and encouraging book talking about personality disorders and other psychological phenomena and giving lots of examples and case studies, but READ BY A GAME SHOW HOST. That is what this audiobook is like. So seriously, listen to it, because there are parts that are unintentionally laugh-out-loud funny. When he does women's voices it's the BEST. Or when he says things like "Bob had a secret gambling addiction" way, way too enthusiastically.
But content-wise it's great, too. It's really sad that there even needs to BE a book about this. But there does. Naive idiots like me need it to at least SPOT the red flags so we can smartly decide how to interact with narcissists / sociopaths / victim-blamers and all the rest, instead of just being willy-nilly about it to our own doom. I hope that most of you wouldn't need to read this, and would be like "Uh, duh. Obvious. Why are you telling me this?" if you do read it. But for the rest of us, you can benefit from hearing things named and called out so that you can overcome them, be kind to yourself, be forgiving, and get through life with less damage to yourself and your family.
But content-wise it's great, too. It's really sad that there even needs to BE a book about this. But there does. Naive idiots like me need it to at least SPOT the red flags so we can smartly decide how to interact with narcissists / sociopaths / victim-blamers and all the rest, instead of just being willy-nilly about it to our own doom. I hope that most of you wouldn't need to read this, and would be like "Uh, duh. Obvious. Why are you telling me this?" if you do read it. But for the rest of us, you can benefit from hearing things named and called out so that you can overcome them, be kind to yourself, be forgiving, and get through life with less damage to yourself and your family.
July 2, 2011
Evil is defined in the Bible as anything that is harmful, or not beneficial, to your spiritual growth. Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend apply this principle to relationships, with the challenge to evaluate yourself and your relationships with other people. God made people to be dependent on each other for love, encouragement, and support. A healthy relationship always involves honesty, acceptance, wise counsel, and confrontation. All of these are necessary for growth. The quality of your relationship with people is an indicator of your spiritual growth.
If the friendships in your life are not giving you the support and honesty you need, they are not helping you: they are not safe. Unsafe people don't see their problems, so they don't change. If you are too afraid to tell the truth to others, you will be taken advantage of, manipulated, and ultimately hurt. If someone is unwilling to face up to their part in things, you can't have reconciliation. Just as God has forgiven and restored us, we should desire restoration in our own relationships. Every healthy relationship is founded in mutual honesty and love. These relationships will be satisfying. They build you up and spur you on to great things!
If the friendships in your life are not giving you the support and honesty you need, they are not helping you: they are not safe. Unsafe people don't see their problems, so they don't change. If you are too afraid to tell the truth to others, you will be taken advantage of, manipulated, and ultimately hurt. If someone is unwilling to face up to their part in things, you can't have reconciliation. Just as God has forgiven and restored us, we should desire restoration in our own relationships. Every healthy relationship is founded in mutual honesty and love. These relationships will be satisfying. They build you up and spur you on to great things!
May 4, 2022
This book began my journey from escaping abuse. At the time of its issuance, it was cutting edge. Today there are many books relating to healing from those who misuse, neglect and abuse people both within the original family and even other relationships.
I came away with understanding that I was not what others said or acted toward me but what God created and spoke over me. I was worthy of love despite what my narcissistic parents and other family members disputed.
I haven't read this in over 30 years but it is foundational and I highly recommend this book for those who have felt, been treated as unworthy of love and value. Dr. Cloud understands and incorporates Biblical teaching in his book and psychological treatment for survivors of abuse and mistreatment. You are valuable. You don't have to believe lies that say otherwise!
I came away with understanding that I was not what others said or acted toward me but what God created and spoke over me. I was worthy of love despite what my narcissistic parents and other family members disputed.
I haven't read this in over 30 years but it is foundational and I highly recommend this book for those who have felt, been treated as unworthy of love and value. Dr. Cloud understands and incorporates Biblical teaching in his book and psychological treatment for survivors of abuse and mistreatment. You are valuable. You don't have to believe lies that say otherwise!
August 7, 2008
This book was eye-opening to me. I never understood my need for isolation, why I chose friends who weren't good for me, etc. After reading this book, I understand why God created community and how important it is to have safe people in my life who are God-given, loving and accepting. I highly recommend this book to anyone who has struggled with the need to be self-sufficient and isolated.
January 18, 2012
The authors do a good job of identifying the behaviors of "unsafe" people, however I do not think they effectively cover how unsafe people can become "safe." I conclude, after reading the list of unsafe behaviors, that none of us are safe but rather all exhibit some forms of unsafe behavior. The authors attribute unsafe behaviors to the presence of sin, and since Scripture teaches all have sinned I think it's a fair conclusion then that everyone of us have unsafe parts of us to be addressed. I just wish authors would've dedicated more space to helping readers improve their own unsafe tendencies.
December 2, 2014
We all want people that we feel safe with. As a pastor I want people to feel safe when they talk with me and at times share intimate details of their lives with me. I picked this book up because I was serving a church where there seemed to be a mistrust of pastors from the time I arrived. I was a little taken back by that since everywhere else I had served people tended to trust me from the time I arrived and that trust would even deepen as we developed relationships and learned to be vulnerable with one another. I was looking to understand why people felt unsafe and to help them know that I was a safe person in their life.
What I discovered that there had been at least 3 pastors that had inappropriate relationships while serving this church and one of them ran off with two different women within a few weeks of one another. I also found that they suspected that at least one pastor had used funds inappropriately as well. They had reason not to trust and I wanted to rebuild that trust so I bought a book on safe people to make sure I was one of them.
Before I began to read the book two men in my life that thought I could trust and be vulnerable with betrayed that trust and used it to create further harm for me and my family. I had trusted them because of the position that held and one that I had know for more than a decade I thought of as a friend. I obviously needed to learn about who to trust and how to develop better boundaries in my life. Who better to turn to than Cloud and Townsend, the experts on boundaries. They did not disappoint.
What I have discovered it that I need to listen more carefully about what other people are telling me about someone and their experience with them. Looking back I can see a pattern in many of the relationships that have caused me pain that I could of avoided if I had been paying more attention to the traits these people exhibited not just with me but many others. Safe People will help you better evaluate your relationships and how to see when someone can't be expected to be a safe person for you to share with.
I also learned a number of things about myself that may have made other people feel unsafe with me and I think I will be a better spouse, parent, pastor and friend because of what I have learned. Everything I read I tend to look for myself in it so that I can grow and become a better person.
I tend to believe that the majority of relationships are worth the investment to try and make them better and the final chapter challenges us to do exactly that. It takes a few pages to help us understand when to continue investing in a relationship and when we should walk away and be willing to give it up. The truth is that both come with costs.
I recommend this book to anyone that wants better relationships but to those especially that have been hurt by people they thought they could trust. It will help to develop the courage to try again if you are willing to take the risk and experience the rewards.
What I discovered that there had been at least 3 pastors that had inappropriate relationships while serving this church and one of them ran off with two different women within a few weeks of one another. I also found that they suspected that at least one pastor had used funds inappropriately as well. They had reason not to trust and I wanted to rebuild that trust so I bought a book on safe people to make sure I was one of them.
Before I began to read the book two men in my life that thought I could trust and be vulnerable with betrayed that trust and used it to create further harm for me and my family. I had trusted them because of the position that held and one that I had know for more than a decade I thought of as a friend. I obviously needed to learn about who to trust and how to develop better boundaries in my life. Who better to turn to than Cloud and Townsend, the experts on boundaries. They did not disappoint.
What I have discovered it that I need to listen more carefully about what other people are telling me about someone and their experience with them. Looking back I can see a pattern in many of the relationships that have caused me pain that I could of avoided if I had been paying more attention to the traits these people exhibited not just with me but many others. Safe People will help you better evaluate your relationships and how to see when someone can't be expected to be a safe person for you to share with.
I also learned a number of things about myself that may have made other people feel unsafe with me and I think I will be a better spouse, parent, pastor and friend because of what I have learned. Everything I read I tend to look for myself in it so that I can grow and become a better person.
I tend to believe that the majority of relationships are worth the investment to try and make them better and the final chapter challenges us to do exactly that. It takes a few pages to help us understand when to continue investing in a relationship and when we should walk away and be willing to give it up. The truth is that both come with costs.
I recommend this book to anyone that wants better relationships but to those especially that have been hurt by people they thought they could trust. It will help to develop the courage to try again if you are willing to take the risk and experience the rewards.
July 6, 2015
I would give this book 2 or 3 stars, except that a lot of the advice it contained could be absolutely devastating for people in abusive relationships (especially those with religious & emotional abuse, manipulation, and gaslighting). If you're just having "normal" troubles, there's some decent basic relational advice about finding "safe" people. But the advice for how to know when you need to get out of a destructive relationship? Unclear (and therefore dangerous) in the extreme!
I expected much, MUCH better from Cloud & Townsend. Very disappointed.
(If only the second-to-last chapter had been the last chapter. It was good, and I was so hopeful the book was going to end on a high note, and then the last chapter started. Le sigh.)
I expected much, MUCH better from Cloud & Townsend. Very disappointed.
(If only the second-to-last chapter had been the last chapter. It was good, and I was so hopeful the book was going to end on a high note, and then the last chapter started. Le sigh.)
October 4, 2019
I recognize that I am jaded and uninterested in establishing romantic relationships at this point in my life. I don’t know where to begin to start new friendships. I realize I am damaged and noncommittal, and this upsets me. I don’t want to be an “unsafe” person, but it is hard because it is a struggle to let me myself be vulnerable to someone who may turn out to be “unsafe” themselves. These are all the reasons this book appealed to me.
When I first began reading, I did not realize it would be peppered with biblical references. Although I am agnostic, through half of the book I didn’t mind and I loved it. I found myself nodding my head “Yes! Yes! Exactly!” The book gave me some interesting insight into how I have treated others, and how I have allowed myself to be treated. Unfortunately, the last one-third of the book, where real solutions and actions were explored, leaned so heavily on living as Christ intended, that I found it basically useless. I realize that all of the examples detailed in the book, and the personal struggles described are unrelatable to me because I do not participate in group therapy or similar sessions. I do not have a network to discuss any of these feelings with. I was hoping to be enlightened by this book, but it anything I feel more dire about how “unsafe” I am. Also, I learned I am probably screwing up my kids (*said in jest.) But, this book helped me to recognize what I need to work on.
When I first began reading, I did not realize it would be peppered with biblical references. Although I am agnostic, through half of the book I didn’t mind and I loved it. I found myself nodding my head “Yes! Yes! Exactly!” The book gave me some interesting insight into how I have treated others, and how I have allowed myself to be treated. Unfortunately, the last one-third of the book, where real solutions and actions were explored, leaned so heavily on living as Christ intended, that I found it basically useless. I realize that all of the examples detailed in the book, and the personal struggles described are unrelatable to me because I do not participate in group therapy or similar sessions. I do not have a network to discuss any of these feelings with. I was hoping to be enlightened by this book, but it anything I feel more dire about how “unsafe” I am. Also, I learned I am probably screwing up my kids (*said in jest.) But, this book helped me to recognize what I need to work on.
January 27, 2011
This was an interesting book. I tend to end up in "unsafe" relationships with assholes, so I had to ask myself, "Self, you idiot, what is it that causes you to be drawn to those people?" The book answers this question and so many more. It's a very practical guide for how to find good people and how to be a good person as opposed to being/finding a total jerk. I would highly recommend.
Read
July 31, 2016This would be great for a small group with a professional facilitator. Yes, we should avoid toxic people. But what if it's someone you're related to? What if it's someone who's been great for decades, then suddenly betrays you? What if it's someone in your care, like a child or person with a disability? After all, Jesus hung out with some unsafe people, including one who betrayed him.
March 14, 2023
This was a double-edged book. In one sense, it brought out unsafe qualities to consider in those surrounding us, but in the other sense, it was all about BEING a safe, healthy, balanced person that can bless and help others. I thought it was balanced in not leading you to point fingers but rather assess character and determine what the wise steps are to take. It focuses on restoration, not avoidance. I definitely recommend.
November 13, 2013
The subtitle of Safe People is exactly what this book is about: finding good people for all types of relationships. Part One explains what a "unsafe" person is by identifying personal and interpersonal traits. These individuals are typically categorized as abandoners, critics, or irresponsibles. Unsafe people do the following: believe they "have it all together" instead of admitting weaknesses; go on the defensive instead of accepting feedback; act self-righteously instead of humbly; apologize instead of changing their behavior; avoid working on problems instead of dealing with them; demand trust instead of earning it; believe in their own perfection instead of admitting faults; blame others instead of taking responsibility; lie instead of telling the truth; are stagnant instead of growing (related to self-awareness); avoid closeness instead of connecting; are only concerned with "I" instead of "we"; resist freedom instead of encouraging it; flatter instead of confronting others; condemn instead of forgiving others; stay in a parent/child role instead of relating as equals; become unstable over time instead of remaining consistent; are a negative influence on others; and gossip instead of keeping secrets. (So yeah...watch out for those people...) All is not lost though--Part One also explains how people lose their "safety", which leads to self-awareness and change. Part Two describes if and how one may actually attract unsafe people or fall into unsafe relationships. Just when it appears that hope is merely a distant echo, Part Three clarifies what a "safe" person is, how to be one, how to find one, and when to move on. Despite the religious overtones, this book was very informative, interesting, and provocative.
February 27, 2018
Being gay is not a problem or issue that needs to be "dealt with" and fixed. Honestly, this should get zero stars for that statement alone. Everything else that was said in the book landed on deaf ears the second the authors opined about LGBTQ community members.
January 25, 2023
"We are never so spiritual that we don't need the encouragement that God provides through other people."
So SO valuable. I wish I'd read this a lot earlier in life.
It's been a long time since I read Boundaries, and though it's one of the top books I recommend to my friends, I'm fortunate enough to have both a personality and rearing that made it fairly easy for me to set boundaries with people before I even had the vocabulary to recognize that's what I was doing. However... choosing Safe people to have around me in friendships, and recognizing when they are "unsafe," has been a weakness of mine for most of my life.
Cloud defines Unsafe people via a range of traits and behavioral patterns.
Unsafe people are self-righteous rather than humble, blame others instead of taking responsibility, are defensive rather than correctable, avoid problems rather than deal with them, and demand trust rather than earning it. They resist freedom rather than encouraging it. They condemn rather than forgive, flatter instead of confront, gossip rather than respect privacy, and dodge closeness/vulnerability instead of connecting.
Interesting Side Note: Unsafe parents are the sort who attempt to maintain parent/child roles with adult children rather than ever allowing said children to relate to them as equals.
Conversely, Safe people (and healthy relationships in general) have the following characteristics: An absence of controlling behavior, grace and acceptance, the ability and willingness to engage in loving confrontation, both parties seeking personal growth, the mutual sharing of struggles (not necessarily the same ones), the absence of 'one-upping' dynamics, and honesty rather than 'over-spiritualizing.'
"If Unsafe people are self-centered, Safe people are relationship-centered--and that priority shows itself in the all-important action of empathy."
According to Cloud, we end up in relationships with Unsafe people due to a number of reasons, which can include: fear of confrontation, romanticizing, a desire to rescue, isolation (few options available), and simple familiarity. (I would like to propose 'misplaced loyalty', but that's just something I recognized about myself partway into this book.)
Early on the author files unsafe people into three main categories:
-The Abandoners
-The Critics
-The Irresponsibles
Abandoners: People who start a relationship but can’t maintain it. Typically bow out when you need them the most. (When the going gets tough, they're the first to ghost you.) The authors speculate that those in this category prefer shallow relationships because they have been abandoned themselves at some point in their life. Others may simply be perfectionists and leave people in whom they find “faults.”
Critics: These are callously judgmental malcontents. They have no room for grace or forgiveness, often jump on doctrinal and ethical bandwagons, and are more focused on pointing out others’ errors than they are with making real connections with people. They tend to make others feel guilt-ridden and full of anxiety.
Irresponsibles: These people are lousy at managing their own lives. They’re like overgrown children. They don’t consider the consequences of their actions, lack follow through on commitments, and are generally flaky. They’re people you may come to resent after giving them countless chances. More often than not, you’ll find yourself making excuses for their unending unreliability.
The ultimate reason I gave this book 5 stars is that it gave me a major epiphany about the kind of unsafe people I attract. (Abandoners, in case anyone was wondering. Consistently and for as long as I can remember. Which very likely is a result of some blind spots I have surrounding a hero complex... >.>) This book made me ask myself WHY, while giving me new perspective on how to filter them out a lot earlier--before I can be left feeling bitter over the wasted investment of time, energy, and vulnerability.
One of the many things I appreciated about this book is that it repeatedly encourages the reader to ask themselves if they are, in actuality, a Safe person. This consistent urging toward honest self-examination is not only valid but extremely necessary if there's any hope for turning unsafe people into Safe people. (In all honesty, my main complaint about this book is that the authors are perhaps a bit naive about how often they seem to think Unsafe people can be rehabilitated. There's no acknowledgment of sociopathy or psychopathy or the fact that those sorts of people will never become safe people--without a conscience, they simply have no motivation for doing so.)
"Understanding how we turn people off can go a long way in increasing the quality of our relationships and work lives. This is part of what the truth setting us free is all about (John 8:32).
Cloud suggests a sort of safe-people accountability and maintenance by asking these two questions to your Safe people:
*What do I do that pushes you away from me?
*What do I do that draws you toward me?
I know it's a good and needed self-awareness exercise because I found myself immediately hesitant to try it out.
"The good news is that you can be saved from a life of relational Hell with Unsafe people. The bad news is that you must take up your cross and do the hard work of dealing with your own character problems."
So SO valuable. I wish I'd read this a lot earlier in life.
It's been a long time since I read Boundaries, and though it's one of the top books I recommend to my friends, I'm fortunate enough to have both a personality and rearing that made it fairly easy for me to set boundaries with people before I even had the vocabulary to recognize that's what I was doing. However... choosing Safe people to have around me in friendships, and recognizing when they are "unsafe," has been a weakness of mine for most of my life.
Cloud defines Unsafe people via a range of traits and behavioral patterns.
Unsafe people are self-righteous rather than humble, blame others instead of taking responsibility, are defensive rather than correctable, avoid problems rather than deal with them, and demand trust rather than earning it. They resist freedom rather than encouraging it. They condemn rather than forgive, flatter instead of confront, gossip rather than respect privacy, and dodge closeness/vulnerability instead of connecting.
Interesting Side Note: Unsafe parents are the sort who attempt to maintain parent/child roles with adult children rather than ever allowing said children to relate to them as equals.
Conversely, Safe people (and healthy relationships in general) have the following characteristics: An absence of controlling behavior, grace and acceptance, the ability and willingness to engage in loving confrontation, both parties seeking personal growth, the mutual sharing of struggles (not necessarily the same ones), the absence of 'one-upping' dynamics, and honesty rather than 'over-spiritualizing.'
"If Unsafe people are self-centered, Safe people are relationship-centered--and that priority shows itself in the all-important action of empathy."
According to Cloud, we end up in relationships with Unsafe people due to a number of reasons, which can include: fear of confrontation, romanticizing, a desire to rescue, isolation (few options available), and simple familiarity. (I would like to propose 'misplaced loyalty', but that's just something I recognized about myself partway into this book.)
Early on the author files unsafe people into three main categories:
-The Abandoners
-The Critics
-The Irresponsibles
Abandoners: People who start a relationship but can’t maintain it. Typically bow out when you need them the most. (When the going gets tough, they're the first to ghost you.) The authors speculate that those in this category prefer shallow relationships because they have been abandoned themselves at some point in their life. Others may simply be perfectionists and leave people in whom they find “faults.”
Critics: These are callously judgmental malcontents. They have no room for grace or forgiveness, often jump on doctrinal and ethical bandwagons, and are more focused on pointing out others’ errors than they are with making real connections with people. They tend to make others feel guilt-ridden and full of anxiety.
Irresponsibles: These people are lousy at managing their own lives. They’re like overgrown children. They don’t consider the consequences of their actions, lack follow through on commitments, and are generally flaky. They’re people you may come to resent after giving them countless chances. More often than not, you’ll find yourself making excuses for their unending unreliability.
The ultimate reason I gave this book 5 stars is that it gave me a major epiphany about the kind of unsafe people I attract. (Abandoners, in case anyone was wondering. Consistently and for as long as I can remember. Which very likely is a result of some blind spots I have surrounding a hero complex... >.>) This book made me ask myself WHY, while giving me new perspective on how to filter them out a lot earlier--before I can be left feeling bitter over the wasted investment of time, energy, and vulnerability.
One of the many things I appreciated about this book is that it repeatedly encourages the reader to ask themselves if they are, in actuality, a Safe person. This consistent urging toward honest self-examination is not only valid but extremely necessary if there's any hope for turning unsafe people into Safe people. (In all honesty, my main complaint about this book is that the authors are perhaps a bit naive about how often they seem to think Unsafe people can be rehabilitated. There's no acknowledgment of sociopathy or psychopathy or the fact that those sorts of people will never become safe people--without a conscience, they simply have no motivation for doing so.)
"Understanding how we turn people off can go a long way in increasing the quality of our relationships and work lives. This is part of what the truth setting us free is all about (John 8:32).
Cloud suggests a sort of safe-people accountability and maintenance by asking these two questions to your Safe people:
*What do I do that pushes you away from me?
*What do I do that draws you toward me?
I know it's a good and needed self-awareness exercise because I found myself immediately hesitant to try it out.
"The good news is that you can be saved from a life of relational Hell with Unsafe people. The bad news is that you must take up your cross and do the hard work of dealing with your own character problems."
January 31, 2013
Easily retitled "Safe vs. Unsafe People", while reading this book, I had the eery feeling that someone had videotaped my relationship and took notes...because the book identified the subtle unhealthy attributes of my (now Ex) spouse in great detail one bullet point to the next, and I came to view her (often unexplainable) behavior in a completely new way. Reading this was a "light bulb moment" in our separation, and one hopes a guiding light for the next relationship.
The book identifies the qualities of unsafe people even better than those safe to have relationships with - whose qualities seem rather common sense.
While the book comes somewhat from a Christian/Biblical perspective, a non-believer can read around the bible quotes and get a mountain of knowledge from this tiny book.
While some people who are problematic to have relationships with are obvious; 1) "I'm never responsible for anything and am always the victim of life/others" and 2) "The world revolves around me...hey listen up", other Unsafe people are hard to spot! This book also details another category 3) I'm perfect, cannot accept any proof I'm not, and the world had better change itself to be perfect for me - or else - because that's what I deserve! (unfortunately such people are close to perfect on paper/reality, utterly responsible and hardworking, but these beliefs make them impossible to live with).
Rather than generally categorizing, it specifically analyzes the actions and thoughts of those safe and unsafe people so you can identify them generally by their actions rather than labels. Examples "Safe people are ever changing, unsafe people are stagnant and unwilling to try/learn new things" "Safe people are spiritual, unsafe people are overly religious" "Safe people treat others as near equals, unsafe people treat others as children who need their instruction", "unsafe people seek forgiveness, safe people then REPENT", etc.
The book identifies the qualities of unsafe people even better than those safe to have relationships with - whose qualities seem rather common sense.
While the book comes somewhat from a Christian/Biblical perspective, a non-believer can read around the bible quotes and get a mountain of knowledge from this tiny book.
While some people who are problematic to have relationships with are obvious; 1) "I'm never responsible for anything and am always the victim of life/others" and 2) "The world revolves around me...hey listen up", other Unsafe people are hard to spot! This book also details another category 3) I'm perfect, cannot accept any proof I'm not, and the world had better change itself to be perfect for me - or else - because that's what I deserve! (unfortunately such people are close to perfect on paper/reality, utterly responsible and hardworking, but these beliefs make them impossible to live with).
Rather than generally categorizing, it specifically analyzes the actions and thoughts of those safe and unsafe people so you can identify them generally by their actions rather than labels. Examples "Safe people are ever changing, unsafe people are stagnant and unwilling to try/learn new things" "Safe people are spiritual, unsafe people are overly religious" "Safe people treat others as near equals, unsafe people treat others as children who need their instruction", "unsafe people seek forgiveness, safe people then REPENT", etc.
September 30, 2017
I had been wanting to read this book already for a long time. I really appreciated another book by the same author Boundaries with Kids: When to Say Yes, When to Say No to Help Your Children Gain Control of Their Lives, and from the title this book seemed to me most useful.
I have some experience in trusting the wrong persons, and now wanted to learn how to find safe people.
So now I was finally listening to the audiobook version of this. But I gave it up with this book. It made me feel as if no one is really to be trusted. Lots of people with in my eyes 'normal' difficulties are portrayed as being unsafe. Like for example people with autism would fit their description really well, because of their lack of empathy.
It is also the tone of the narrator that really puts me off. He sounds so demeaning! It really sounds as if he is making fun of people that have difficulties with being trustworthy.
And I don't think that it is funny at all, so I will no longer listen to this.
I have some experience in trusting the wrong persons, and now wanted to learn how to find safe people.
So now I was finally listening to the audiobook version of this. But I gave it up with this book. It made me feel as if no one is really to be trusted. Lots of people with in my eyes 'normal' difficulties are portrayed as being unsafe. Like for example people with autism would fit their description really well, because of their lack of empathy.
It is also the tone of the narrator that really puts me off. He sounds so demeaning! It really sounds as if he is making fun of people that have difficulties with being trustworthy.
And I don't think that it is funny at all, so I will no longer listen to this.
July 3, 2018
To preface, I've LOVED two books by Cloud/Townsend. Also, I listened to the audiobook, so perhaps that colored my experience.
I think this book should've been called "Unsafe People," because it concentrated a lot on the negatives. It also seemed to be from the perspective of a victim mentality - people are unsafe, and there's nothing you can do about it unless they change. There was a little about what you can do if you're in an unsafe relationship, but very little in comparison to simply getting out.
That said, I don't disagree with its points. It did accurately describe a lot of unsafe behavior and motivation, and it is fairly quotable in tiny little chunks.
I think this book should've been called "Unsafe People," because it concentrated a lot on the negatives. It also seemed to be from the perspective of a victim mentality - people are unsafe, and there's nothing you can do about it unless they change. There was a little about what you can do if you're in an unsafe relationship, but very little in comparison to simply getting out.
That said, I don't disagree with its points. It did accurately describe a lot of unsafe behavior and motivation, and it is fairly quotable in tiny little chunks.
July 15, 2013
I knew this was a good read when my initial reaction to it was anger. I was angry at a book! Clearly, it made an impact and like eating an elephant, I had to absorb it piece by piece. Many of the pages are covered in ink and have writing in the margins. This book should be considered an active read. Really get into it and take notes, recognize the emotions that spring up from its pages and work through them. I would and have recommended it to others.
July 4, 2023
This book is pure Christianity nonsense, not self-help. The front and back covers of this book deliberately omit any indication this has a Christian/religious angle, just so they’ll get more sales, but the entire book is just bible quotes. Going straight into the trash.
August 3, 2022
It's good if you have 0 idea of what a safe person is and if you've done next to nothing of your own growth or work with a therapist. If you've read other of Cloud and Townsend's books (like Boundaries) or you've done some of your work, then this book will be far too basic for you. There were some nice nuggets in the last chapter. But for the most part, this didn't tell me anything new. In fact, a lot of it is in their boundaries book that I am already working through.
July 17, 2022
Чудова книга про стосунки.
Як будувати їх правильно.
Як бути надійною людиною.
Як знайти надійних людей.
Як Бог дивиться на стосунки.
Як не очікувати, не ідеалізувати, не розчаровувати(сь)
Як дивитися реальним поглядом на інших і не творити їх на власний образ.
Як бачити власний вклад у проблему і брати за нього відповідальність.
Багато іншого цінного, конкретного і зцілюючого про стосунки від моїх улюблених авторів
Як будувати їх правильно.
Як бути надійною людиною.
Як знайти надійних людей.
Як Бог дивиться на стосунки.
Як не очікувати, не ідеалізувати, не розчаровувати(сь)
Як дивитися реальним поглядом на інших і не творити їх на власний образ.
Як бачити власний вклад у проблему і брати за нього відповідальність.
Багато іншого цінного, конкретного і зцілюючого про стосунки від моїх улюблених авторів
March 11, 2023
I am a changed person now! What a phenomenal & insightful read. 🥰
December 1, 2021
The old adage "Choose your friends wisely" is easier said than done. Sometimes they choose you instead; sometimes it's family or a coworker; sometimes you don't recognize unsafe traits in a person you find in your midst. And sometimes you just fall in with a bad sort.
This book is immensely helpful in learning how to recognize dangerous relationships and unsafe people, as well as evaluating your connections and letting go of harmful ones. This is not a free ticket to immediately reject any people that cause us pain, however; the authors delve into the importance of seeking help and reconciliation before just cutting loose important relationships.
This book describes characteristics of safe, trustworthy people in contrast to those who have patterns of betrayal, abuse, passive aggressive behavior, and using others for their narcissistic supply.
It also helps you take a good hard look at yourself to see your own sin and unhealthy patterns, and aids you in figuring out how to stop the cycle of falling into destructive relationships. Habits of enabling, shrinking from conflict, and fearing being alone are all addressed. That we're not merely victims but have most likely contributed something to the destructive pattern (e.g. enabling the unsafe person) becomes clear, and we begin to understand that we need some character development ourselves. The authors stress the vital importance of community and finding a support system of safe people, which helps us be strong, safe people ourselves, able to lovingly confront others and communicate honestly and effectively with those who hurt and use us. Developing and implementing boundaries within relationships is also paramount.
The insights found herein are greatly appreciated.
This book is immensely helpful in learning how to recognize dangerous relationships and unsafe people, as well as evaluating your connections and letting go of harmful ones. This is not a free ticket to immediately reject any people that cause us pain, however; the authors delve into the importance of seeking help and reconciliation before just cutting loose important relationships.
This book describes characteristics of safe, trustworthy people in contrast to those who have patterns of betrayal, abuse, passive aggressive behavior, and using others for their narcissistic supply.
It also helps you take a good hard look at yourself to see your own sin and unhealthy patterns, and aids you in figuring out how to stop the cycle of falling into destructive relationships. Habits of enabling, shrinking from conflict, and fearing being alone are all addressed. That we're not merely victims but have most likely contributed something to the destructive pattern (e.g. enabling the unsafe person) becomes clear, and we begin to understand that we need some character development ourselves. The authors stress the vital importance of community and finding a support system of safe people, which helps us be strong, safe people ourselves, able to lovingly confront others and communicate honestly and effectively with those who hurt and use us. Developing and implementing boundaries within relationships is also paramount.
The insights found herein are greatly appreciated.
March 16, 2022
This is a practical, approachable guide to being a good friend & having good friends. It’s a blending of psychological & theological insights, and the theological insights feel out of context to me in places. However, anyone from about high school age & on up would only be better off from an emotional intelligence & self-awareness standpoint for reading this book.
April 3, 2020
Some books burrow their way into your mind and even though at the time you weren’t ready to hear the information it shapes and informs your thinking. This is one of those books.
October 15, 2017
Not all of this book is safe.
June 7, 2023
Phenomenal book recommended by my counselor. A great guide to help you understand and avoid unhealthy relationships by discerning red flags in others and examining your own sins and shortcoming.
My favorite thing about this book is how much grace it is filled with. It is riddled with scripture references and constant reminders that we are all imperfect. It doesn’t come at it like “people are unsafe STAY AWAY”. But rather approaches the issues by saying that if you know how to recognize the things in yourself that attract you to unhealthy people and you work on them, you will better know how to navigate relationships with unsafe people. And therefore avoid getting stuck in cycles that tear you down and make YOU unsafe. And by doing so you can possibly help the unsafe people begin to deal with the issues that make them unsafe.
Deal with the log in your own eye first. And only then can you help to remove the spec from your brothers eye.
This book has challenged me in many ways. I pray I’m able to actually apply the wisdom I have read effectively and avoid repeating the same mistakes.
My favorite thing about this book is how much grace it is filled with. It is riddled with scripture references and constant reminders that we are all imperfect. It doesn’t come at it like “people are unsafe STAY AWAY”. But rather approaches the issues by saying that if you know how to recognize the things in yourself that attract you to unhealthy people and you work on them, you will better know how to navigate relationships with unsafe people. And therefore avoid getting stuck in cycles that tear you down and make YOU unsafe. And by doing so you can possibly help the unsafe people begin to deal with the issues that make them unsafe.
Deal with the log in your own eye first. And only then can you help to remove the spec from your brothers eye.
This book has challenged me in many ways. I pray I’m able to actually apply the wisdom I have read effectively and avoid repeating the same mistakes.
July 4, 2023
I totally recommend this book to everyone who wants to improve relationships. It defines the characteristics of safe/unsafe relationships and helps to understand how one can become a safe person.
February 1, 2023
A book that belongs on everyone’s shelf.
June 10, 2023
3.5
This was real good, it touched on good topics. A lot of the information was very generic and I've heard it before so it didn't open my eyes to anything new, but it was cool to see a book focused specifically on what a safe relationship is and ISNT.
I feel sufficiently called out so Henry cloud did what he set out to do haha.
This was real good, it touched on good topics. A lot of the information was very generic and I've heard it before so it didn't open my eyes to anything new, but it was cool to see a book focused specifically on what a safe relationship is and ISNT.
I feel sufficiently called out so Henry cloud did what he set out to do haha.
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