Family Therapy Quotes

“I'd written Smashed not because I was ambitious and not because writing down my feelings was cathartic (it felt more like playing one's own neurosurgeon sans anesthesia). No. I'd made a habit--and eventually a profession--of memoir because I hail from one of those families where shows of emotions are discouraged.”
― Koren Zailckas, Fury: A Memoir

“She considered, maybe for the first time, how lucky she was to be able to pick up the phone and call her mother whenever she needed bad advice.”
― Brady Udall, The Lonely Polygamist

“Imbalanced systems,whether internal or external, will tend to polarize.”
― Richard C. Schwartz, Internal Family Systems Therapy

“I also realized that in my family drama a very limited number of character traits were available to the players. In my mind, either I could be weak, wimpy, submissive, and pathetic, or I could be a raging tyrant and bully who demanded total compliance from everyone in my realm. The notion of being strong and assertive while staying calm, insisting on appropriate boundraries and on being treated with respect and dignity, were not in my realm of experience. Once I realized that I was much happier with the person I was in the rest of my life, I realized it was foolish not to be that "me" around my family as well. I began to feel liberated and genuinely felt they could take the new me or leave it. So far, they've chosen to leave it, but I feel a sense of integrity and self-respect that I had never experienced before.”
― Mark Sichel, Healing from Family Rifts: Ten Steps to Finding Peace After Being Cut Off from a Family Member

“Marriage is going to be that happy state in which we get all of the nurturance and care and love and empathy and even good advice that we didn't receive from our families.”
― Augustus Y. Napier, The Family Crucible

“What is the black shadow? It's the running inner dialogue we have with ourselves all day long about our fears of being inferior as black people. It is our internalization of the white man's lie that blacks are inferior to whites -- the very lie that was the foundation of our ancestors' enslavement. The black shadow is more than simply internalized racism; it's also our complex feelings of fear and despair about being black, and consequently our longing to be less black.”
― Marlene F. Watson, Facing the Black Shadow

“In the 1970's and in early 1980's, a startling discovery was made that almost every problem contains an element of solutions.”
― Insoo Kim Berg, Children's Solution Work

“There is no worse parent than an unhappy parent!”
― Rossana Condoleo, Happy Divorce: How to turn your divorce into the most brilliant and rewarding opportunity of your life!

“When Carl asked the Brices to bring their whole family to therapy, everyone in the family knew intuitively what that meant. Their whole world would be exposed: all its caring, its history, its anger, its anxiety. All in one place at once time, subject to the scrutiny and invasion of a stranger. And that was too much vulnerability. With its own unconscious wisdom, the family elected Don to stay home and test the therapists. Did we really mean everybody? Would we weaken and capitulate if they didn't bring Don?

They had something to gain by the strategy. If we were hesitant and unconfident in our approach to their defiance, they would know that they could not trust us with the boiling cauldron of feeling which their family contained. If we were decisive and firm, they would guess that maybe we could handle the stresses which they intuitively knew had to be brought out into the open. One way or another, they had to find out how much power we had. In the meantime, they postponed facing that mysterious electricity, that critical mass, the whole family. Perhaps they thought they could be spared what Zorba called the full catastrophe.”
― Augustus Y. Napier, The Family Crucible

“The individual psychotherapy patient comes to the therapist with an almost automatic deference, a sense of dependence and compliance. The role pattern is old and established: the dependent child seeking guidance from a parent figure. There is no such traditional image for the family, no established pattern in which an entire family submits to the guidance of an individual. And the family structure is simply too powerful and too crucial for the members to go trustingly into an experience that threatens to change the entire matrix of their relationships. If the family therapist is to acquire that initial "authority figure" or "parent" role that is so necessary if therapy is to be more powerful than an ordinary social experience, he has to earn it.”
― Augustus Y. Napier, The Family Crucible

“Families come into therapy with their own structure, and tone, and rules. Their organization, their pattern, has been established over years of living, and it is extremely meaningful and very painful for them. They would not be in therapy if they were happy with it. But however faulty, the family counts on the familiarity and predictability of their world. If they are going to turn loose this painful predictability and attempt to reorganize themselves, they need firm external support. The family crucible must has a shape, a form, a discipline of sorts, and the therapist has to provide it. The family has to know whether we can provide it, and so they test us.”
― Augustus Y. Napier, The Family Crucible

“More often than not, it’s disrespectful to them (our children) - and disrespectful to their struggle with their tasks in life- if our own anxiety as parents makes us cling to our children. It’s disrespectful is we demand more intimacy than they are willing or able to give. Too much involvement with our children is not an act of love- it’s an act of selfishness.”
― Daniel Gottlieb, Voices in the Family: A Therapist Talks About Listening, Openness, and Healing

“I consider therapy successful when the family members (or individual clients) have discovered ways to get what they need from their relationships with the people in their lives, so that their relationship with me is no longer necessary to sustain them. Like a chemical catalyst that facilitates a reaction between two other substances, the therapeutic relationship catalyzes the transformation of relationships in the lives of clients. But the real healing takes place not in the therapeutic relationship but in the client's relationships with significant others.”
― Joseph A. Micucci, The Adolescent in Family Therapy: Harnessing the Power of Relationships

“We parents are in the process of losing parts of ourselves, of waking up each morning to find ourselves changed by our children. We may fantasize that we are not really changed, that we can go back to poring over Wittgenstein, immersing ourselves in the latest movies, being beach bums- whatever it was that we were before the child or children came into our lives. But part of what we have lost is the part of our identity that is the person-without-children. The parent we are now has a life inextricably entwined not only without our past life and our private selves but also with the lives of our children.”
― Daniel Gottlieb, Voices in the Family: A Therapist Talks About Listening, Openness, and Healing

“Even though we were still waiting for Don, therapy was well begun. We were engaged in a subtle, often predictable, and very important contest with the family about who was going to be present at the meetings. Carl and I had revealed some of what our relationship had to offer: a good-humored liking for each other, an ability to cooperate, and an insistence on remaining ourselves. I was clearly not going to be the reverential assistant to the older man. And perhaps most important, Carl had intuitively modeled some of the process of therapy for the family. By sharing insight into his own personality, he was saying by demonstration, "It's important to search for you own unconscious agenda.”
― Augustus Y. Napier

“It has been a long road for us as family therapists to reach an understanding of just this phenomenon-the sense of the whole, the family system. While we could have explained the theory of meeting with the whole family to the Brices, at that anxious moment it would not have touched them. There are situations where, in the words of Franz Alexander, the woice of the intellent is too soft. The family needed to test us. They needed the experience of our being firm. As unpleasant as it was, our response must have reassured them. They knew, and we sensed, how difficult their situation was and how tumultuous it could become. They simply has to know that we could withstand the stress if they dared open it up.”
― Augustus Y. Napier, The Family Crucible

“Techniques are like tools: The more you have, the more options for getting a job done - but you have to know what you are building first.”
― Joseph A. Micucci, The Adolescent in Family Therapy: Harnessing the Power of Relationships

“In cases where treatment with medication is warranted, work on family interactions will help to reduce symptom severity and promote better functioning in the long run.”
― Joseph A. Micucci, The Adolescent in Family Therapy: Harnessing the Power of Relationships

“Family therapists view the therapeutic relationship as a means to an end rather than as an end in itself. Family therapists see beyond the problematic patterns in the family to the potential healing power of family relationships.”
― Joseph A. Micucci, The Adolescent in Family Therapy: Harnessing the Power of Relationships

“I think we owe it to our children to share our wisdom. If we share our wisdom for the purpose of changing our children, then that’s hitting them over the head with a hammer or shoving something down their throats. If the wisdom turns into advice, that’s selfish. But if we simply share ourselves and let our children know our hearts, then it’s a gift. And I think it’s a gift we’re responsible for giving them.”
― Daniel Gottlieb

“As our children turn even five or six degrees away from us, we have to be aware of our fear and our excitement and our hope for them. And as that five or sex degrees turns into ten or twenty degrees, even ninety degrees, we have to monitor those feelings every step of the way-and ultimately realize that our child is another human being and not necessarily and extension of us.”
― Daniel Gottlieb, Voices in the Family: A Therapist Talks About Listening, Openness, and Healing

“our love may be insincere but our hatred is always genuine”
― John A. Macdougall

“The cultural assumption seems to be that there’s something wrong with wanting to eat. Appetite is something to be fended off with willpower or chemically. We’re locked in a war with our own hunger which is the primal force that sustains us. Of course, the talk shows and magazines aim mainly at women who make up the vast majority of those with weight issues. We’re socialized to fear our appetites whether they’re for food or sex or power. We’re taught from birth to make ourselves small and dainty, to not take up room. Can this kind of a culturation cause anorexia? I don’t think so. Can it trigger someone who is vulnerable? No doubt about it.” Brave Girl Eating: A Family's Struggle with Anorexia”
― Harriet Brown

“We have allowed others to program us with methods of self-torture, and we can see that we have retaliated by inviting others to torture themselves in return. We have allowed ourselves to be manipulated by guilt, and we turn it around and use that same mechanism of guilt to try to exploit and control others.”
― David R. Hawkins, Letting Go: The Pathway To Surrender

“While other psychotherapies consider the internal or intrapsychic world of the individual client, family therapy focuses on the real-time interactions between family members in a therapy room.”
― Dr Val Thomas, Cynical Therapies: Perspectives on the Antitherapeutic Nature of Critical Social Justice

“He left home, roamed the streets, hid in garbage containers (which at the time were large enough to hold ten people), played his instrument, and raped the women who came to listen.”
― Paul Karl Feyerabend, Killing Time: The Autobiography of Paul Feyerabend