Humorous Quotes Quotes

“Forgive my asking you to use your mind. It is a thing which no novelist should expect of his reader...”
― Owen Wister, The Virginian

“Noseless and Handless, the Lannister Boys.”
― George R.R. Martin, A Storm of Swords

“Otis," I said.

"Shhh," he said. "I'm incognito. Call me...Otis."

"I'm not sure that's how incognito works, but okay."

Otis, aka Otis climbed into the chair I'd reserved for Sam.”
― Rick Riordan, The Hammer of Thor

“99% of all problems can be solved by money -- and for the other 1% there's alcohol.”
― Quentin R. Bufogle

“You gave me a dead frog for my birthday!
To remind you we all die and end up rotting underground eaten by maggots so we should enjoy our birthdays while we have them. I found it thoughtful.”
― Soman Chainani, The School for Good and Evil

“I just want you to know,' said the girl, coldly, 'that whoever you are and whatever you intend with me, I shall give you no aid of any kind, nor shall I assist you, and I shall do whatever is in my power to frustrate your plans and devices.' And then she added, with feeling, 'Idiot.”
― Neil Gaiman, Stardust

“So I'll be wed in the Church of the Holy Incestuous Mushroom?”
― Silvia Moreno-Garcia, Mexican Gothic

“Good night, sweet prince,” M-Bot whispered as the junk crashed to the ground. “Or princess. Or, most likely, genderless piece of inanimate space junk.”
― Brandon Sanderson, Skyward

“He who laughs last ... just didn't get the joke.”
― Carroll Bryant

“A rainy day is like a lovely gift -- you can sleep late and not feel guilty.”
― Elizabeth Jane Howard, Mr. Wrong

“Holy paranormal activity, Nightingale - to the Jag mobile.”
― Ben Aaronovitch, Whispers Under Ground

“Listen carefully, I’m going to say three words.”
“I love you?”
― Lisa Scottoline, Every Fifteen Minutes

“I meditate fourteen hours a day—two hours out of bed and twelve hours in bed. The mortals call it sleeping, but the enlightened are awake. It’s just the body that sleeps.”
― Merlin Franco, Saint Richard Parker

“I haven't devoured a soul in...What month is this? March?”
― Rick Riordan, The Throne of Fire

“Rule number one on a dance floor: if you see that girl who smiles for no reason, gives you boobs-pressing hugs, compliments you, and encourages you to keep on dancing, then she is an event promoter or a multilevel marketing agent”
― Merlin Franco, Saint Richard Parker

“To God I speak Spanish, to women Italian, to men French, and to my horse - German.”
― Emperor Charles V

“Mad Rogan: "Resistance is futile."
Nevada: "You are not assimilating me!”
― Ilona Andrews, Burn for Me

“If you call yourself an "authoress" on your Facebook profile, you suck at life. You are stupid and your children are ugly. It doesn't matter if you're just trying to be cute and original. You're not. You are about as original as all those other witless twits "writing" the one millionth shitty Fifty Shades clone. Or maybe you're trying to show your 2000 fake Facebook "friends" that you are an empowered feminist who will not stand for sexist terminology. But you're not showing people that you are fighting the good fight, you're showing people that you are a sheep, who's trying just a little too hard to ride the current wave of idiotic political correctness. The word "author" is no more gender-discrimination than the word "person." Do you call yourself a personess? No, of course not, because then you might as well wear a sign around your neck that says, "Hello, I'm a retard.”
― Oliver Markus

“Don't ignore me. I only get more annoying.”
― Richelle Goodrich, Smile Anyway: Quotes, Verse, and Grumblings for Every Day of the Year

“A massage is just like a movie, really relaxing and a total escape, except in a massage you're the star. And you don't miss anything by falling asleep!”
― Elizabeth Jane Howard, Mr. Wrong

“I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman where the Self Help section was. She said if she told me it would defeat the purpose.”
― Dennis Miller

“Kasia grinned in her particularly diabolical way, as if she knew something juicy and world shattering, but you didn’t quite measure up enough to deserve knowing.”
― Hieronymus Hawkes, Effacement

“Sam was waiting for her,his gaze sweeping over her. "Looks great."
"I look like a geek," Lucy said. "I smell like a brewery. And I need a bra."
"My dream date.”
― Lisa Kleypas, Rainshadow Road

“What do you read, Westbay? Romance novels?” She said it like reading romance was on par with chronic farting.”
― Hieronymus Hawkes, Effacement

“He had the gift of the gab and could sell sand to Arabs. Hell, he could sell a bag of dildos to a nun – no joke”
― matthew bracey, Steel Dogs

“Today I feel like I did tomorrow.”
― Carroll Bryant

“Assisted him? Dylan made the repairs. I only fell and hit my head, from what I can recall. Yes, I make excellent deadweight.”
― Scott Westerfeld, Goliath

“if any of your body parts become detached due to an unfortunate encounter with a crank, I highly advise you leave said body part behind and run like hell. Unless it's a leg, of course.”
― James Dashner, The Death Cure

“Ich kann KiBoTu.”
― Mona Kasten, Hinter der Finsternis

“I have noticed that the majority of people procrastinate. In fact, it’s way more common than the common cold itself.”
― Neeraj Agnihotri, Procrasdemon - The Artist's Guide to Liberation from Procrastination