Autistic-spectrum people: * might have a smaller cerebellum (making it harder for them to have good dexterity - cookNeurodiversity - good concept!
tl;dr
Autistic-spectrum people: * might have a smaller cerebellum (making it harder for them to have good dexterity - cooking food is hard for them) * might have better memory * might have skills that they are really really good at, far better than a "normal" person * don't get the concept of "looking into someone's eyes" * they need to "stim" (stimulate) in order to calm down. It feels really rewarding to them
ADHD people: * Their brain needs more stimulation * They might be very creating * They might be able to reach deep focus state faster and for longer than "normal" people
The part about gender words: I do not agree with the author that "there isn't such a thing as normal". Yes there is! Society needs to maintain a fresh supply of humans - and the most efficient way to do that so far is through "normal" people's "normal" attraction mechanism. Other than that, sure there can be x-sexual people. The x-sexual people are in no way good or bad, but they are not the majority, they probably never will be, and though they deserve the same level of respect as any other person, not being heterosexual will ensure their genes are less likely to be found in the next generation. Not everyone cares about this, but ultimately, that's a very important thing to happen if we value having humans. I'm not advocating we should do anything about non-heterosexuals. I am advocating that we use the words "man" and "woman" as we'd expect if we knew nothing about non-heterosexuals. We can use other words for non-heterosexuals.
I read this with my wife, because I was familiar with Buddhism, and wanted to show her how similar it is to psychology - it's similar!
We did not read I read this with my wife, because I was familiar with Buddhism, and wanted to show her how similar it is to psychology - it's similar!
We did not read the religious-specific parts - we're not into that.
My lasting impressions: * Buddhism says suffering comes from confusion * Confusion is caused by either being too attached to stuff or being too afraid of stuff * Buddhism is all about helping you detach and not fear stuff - it comes as a great tool to use in modern-day capitalist societies, where basically everyone is trying to make you want something :)...more
I usually rate 3/5 these self-help books. This one's slightly worse. A little too much overselling of coaching, and too much oveBarely worth reading.
I usually rate 3/5 these self-help books. This one's slightly worse. A little too much overselling of coaching, and too much oversimplification.
I got left with 1 basic idea: While coaching, refrain as much as possible from instructing or providing your own opinion. Ask questions, and let the other person "pick their own adventure".
Here are my reading notes:
grow feedback questions: "what happened, what did you learn, how will you use this in the future?"
* Instead of "this is useless/bad", ask "if you were to do it again, what would you do differently?" or "what did you like/dislike most about the process/outcome?"
* objectives should be ** SMART ** CLEAN ** PURE
* GROW model: ** Goals ** Reality ** Options ** Will (as in "I will do ...")
* Good coaching questions: ** If I wasn't here, what would you do? ** What's your engagement level (1-10)? How can we make it 10? ** I'm not sure how to continue. How would you continue? ** If you had the answer, what would it be? ** How would you advise a friend in your situation? ** ...what else? (and then silence) ** what is the real issue? ** what if there were no limits? ** imagine having a dialogue with the smartest person you know or can think of. What would they tell you to do?
* performance levels: ** impulsive: "whatever happens, happens" ** dependent: "i follow the rules and do what i'm told" ** independent: "i am a high performer" ** interdependent: "we are only truly successful together"
Amazing book for figuring out: * how one's parents are messed up * how you might be messed up * how your parents might have affected you * how an emotionaAmazing book for figuring out: * how one's parents are messed up * how you might be messed up * how your parents might have affected you * how an emotionally mature person should look like * how a partner that is emotionally mature should feel like
These are my notes taken while reading the book:
How to work on yourself: * be willing to ask for help * trust that most people will listen, when talked to * i will be myself * i won't give more energy than I really have * i won't try to please people * i will not volunteer for stuff of I think I'll resent it later * if someone says something offensive, I'll offer an alternative viewpoint; I'll not try to change their mind, I just won't let the statement go unremarked * I'll keep in contact with ppl I care about * I'll consider myself as a strong person who likes to give and receive help from their community of friends * even when people aren't saying the right thing, I'll tune into whether they're trying to help me * when I feel irritated with someone, I'll think of ways to improve our relationship * I'll wait until I cooled off and ask if the other person is willing to listen to my emotions * I'll get stuff done rather than obsess over getting stuff done perfectly * when I get tired, I'll rest or do smth different; I-ll listen to my body to tell me when I've been doing to much * when I make a mistake, I'll consider it part of being human; there will be things I didn't expect, no matter how much I thought about things * I'll remember that people's feelings are their own responsibility; beyond common courtesy, it is not up to me to guess what others want * i won't expect ppl to know what i need unless I tell them ; caring about me doesn't mean they automatically know what I'm feeling * if ppl close to me upset me, I'll use my pain to identify my underlying need; then I'll use clear, intimate communication to help then fulfill my need * when my feelings are hurt, I'll try to understand whether some triggers from my past were activated, or whether the other person rly treated me intensively * if the other person rly was insensitive, I'll ask them to heat me out * I'll be thoughtful to other people. If they're not thoughtful in return, I'll ask that they consider it, and then I'll let it go * I'll ask for stuff as many times as it takes to get a clear answer * when I get tired of interacting, I'll politely speak up, asking if we can continue the conversation at another time
Signs that the partner can be emotionally mature: * consistent and reliable * works with reality rather than fighting against it * they can think and feel at the same time * the aren't perfectionistic and see themselves and others as fallible human beings * they don't take things to personally; that can be a sign of either narcissism or low self-esteem. With low selfie as steam can see criticism where it does not exist. " this kind of black hole consumes relationships" * the understand that sometimes people speak stupid stuff * they are respectful and reciprocal * they respect your boundaries * the respect your individuality; they will never assume that if you love them it means you want the same things as they do * they give back; their generous with their time and attention but they can also ask for help when they need it * the flexible and compromise well * they care about how you feel and don't want to leave you Unsatisfied * they are even tempered (not irritable/ angry/ pissed off) * everyone needs time to cool off after an argument * they are willing to be influenced (you can change their mind) * they are truthful * they apologize and make amends * they are responsive * their empathy makes you feel safe * they make you feel seen and understood * they are curious about how you differ from them * see you positively, and keep a mental deposit of your best qualities * they like to comfort and be comforted * they reflect on their actions and try to change * they can laugh and be playful; emotionally immature people tend to not engage in other people's humor, push humor when others are not amused, or laugh at other people's expense * they are enjoyable to be around
Two types of adult children that result from the education given by the 4 types of parents: * internalizers; These people are analytical, and search always for their own fault, and try to better themselves in order to solve problems. The pathological part is that they blame themselves, don't ask for help, and are afraid of being considered frauds. They are used to providing empathy for both sides of the relationship. They see people as better than they really are. They think that if they don't accommodate everyone's needs others will think that they are a bad person. The also think that neglecting themselves makes them a good person * externalizers: these people blame others and expect others to change in order for themselves to become happy. The pathology is clear, but the advantage is that they aren't so hard on themselves
Four types of emotionally immature parents: * emotional parent. These parents tend to blow up and act very immaturely. They see themselves as victims * driven parents. These are the ones that once success for their children reserve the right define success however they themselves want it. They don't really care about what the child wants. The sre themselves as a fixers * passive parents. They are basically unhelpful and can yield to another parent which has another dysfunctional personality type. They see themselves as mellow and good natured * rejecting parents. They are basically pissed off at whatever the child does and want to keep their distance away from the child. They see themselves as independent
Emotionally immature people see everything as a a process to determine whether they're good or bad.
Other characteristics of emotionally immature people: * rigid and single minded * as long as there's a clear path to follow they can do really well * they can be impulsive * they tends to oversimplify reality to get it down to the level of their coping mechanism * once they form an opinion their mind is closed. They can be very defensive regarding the opinions that they form. * they might have low stress tolerance; instead of assessing or anticipating the future they use coping mechanisms that deny, distort or replace reality * they might discount facts and blame others for issues * regulating emotions is difficult for them and they might often overreact * since emotional regulation is hard for them they might expect other people to do what they want in order for them to calm down * the often seek comfort in intoxicants or medication because they cannot auto regulate * instead of assessing complex situations they just do what they feel is best. This might include just running from difficult conversations * they are subjective; truth does not seem to matter to them as much as what feels like is true. That is why logic reason and facts are not taken into account by them. * they have little or no respect for differences. They would much prefer that everyone just thinks like they do * they are commanded by anxiety and insecurity; they live in fear of being exposed as unlovable, bad or inadequate * they keep their defenses high so other people cannot get close enough to shake their sense of self-worth * ... And they would never see themselves as insecure or defensive * they are anxiously self preoccupied that means they are constantly wandering whether their needs are being met or whether they have been offended. * their self-esteem rises and Falls depending on how others react to them. * they cannot stand criticism so they minimize their mistakes * they are self-referential but not self-reflective. This means that in every conversation All Roads Lead back to themselves * they Crave being the center of attention. * those who are more socially aware might not bring the conversation back to themselves they might still not ask any follow-up questions about topics that they hear about in conversations
Since emotionally immature people are not self-reflective they might never experience regret
Close relationships might be very difficult with emotionally immature people because they might not have had developed enough their emotions and perceptions and emotional thinking
Emotionally immature people might have very powerful but very shallow feelings. They also might not be able to have multiple emotional reactions at once. They're nuanced thinking might be highly stunted. People that are emotionally immature might not have had parents who were comfortable with different opinions, and so might not have had the required training for complex thinking. They might be very intelligent and able to think complexly but only in areas that are not emotionally arousing to them.
Emotionally immature people might only talk about very concrete things and might never be able to engage in conversations and go deeper into emotions
These parents can be very good at providing physical things to children such as food and shelter and basic education.
Small children, when they have needs, they start crying. This eventually results in someone finding and fixing their problem. In the same way, emotionally immature adults will start agitating the people around them until someone fixes the problem - the issue here is that if the person doesn't analyze their own source for feeling bad, things might never get resolved, and people just keep being agitated.
There might be emotionally immature people that are only comfortable talking intellectual topics.
Emotionally immature parents might have inconsistent personalities. This can happen because they also were not allowed to Foster their personalities, and the ended up with personalities like pieces of puzzle that don't fit well together.
"Mutual emotional responsiveness is the single most important fuel for human relationships"
People with immature parents might not learn how to trust their own instance and therefore they might end up in relationships they don't really want. They might afterwards think that it's up to them to fix their partner. This leads to a struggle between the partners. And while relationships do require work they should generally feel pleasurable.
!!! "Hate is a normal involuntary reaction when someone tries to control you for no good reason. It signals that the other person is extinguishing your emotional life by getting their needs met at the expense of yours"
I think my parents reacted to my feelings but early on I pulled back completely. This is pulling back allowed me to actually develop a sense of my own feelings. There are people whose parents did not act as badly to them, and so they did not pull back completely. However this toxic emotional connection kept preventing them no on their own feelings because their parents did provide feedback but it was the wrong kind of feedback. All those might have gotten the message that any negative feeling is bad and they ended up suppressing any such feeling.
Some people think they should always be happy. This is sometimes related to the fact that their parents acted really really badly whenever things didn't go their way.
The children enter relationships where they tend to put the other person's needs first. They don't think that this deserves to be loved....more
The value I got out of this book is too hard to ezpress, because it's tied too deep to thr inner workings of my brain.
It's one of the better self-helThe value I got out of this book is too hard to ezpress, because it's tied too deep to thr inner workings of my brain.
It's one of the better self-help books I read though, and one of those which I plan to return to.
I highly recommend it to people who aren't satisfied with what others say/do, and get angry "because" of that.
Oh yes, there will be short christian sentences here and there. If you're not into that, I think those are very easily ignored. Do not skip the book just because of those few sentences....more
Nice book, full of factlets, but the author is far from coming up with a coherent framework for connecting morality with neuroscience.
Nonetheless, thiNice book, full of factlets, but the author is far from coming up with a coherent framework for connecting morality with neuroscience.
Nonetheless, this book is a good starting point for creating a new field of research: "neuromorality" (or something...)
Notes I took with ideas I found interesing: * "Constraint satisfaction" seems a better model for decision making than "Deriving an ought from an is" * The author suggests that social behaviour might be an extention of a female's instincts to protect her babies, which might be an extension of the self-circle (an innate concept which helps animals protect themselves, by distinguishing their environment as different from themselves) * Social behaviour might have evolved multiple times in multiple taxa (mammals vs social insects), and even between mammals, it differs a lot * The "insula", a brain struct, reacts to exclusion, separation, disapproval * Child abuse can cause sociopathic behaviour to develop in adulthood. 30-40% of ppl in prisons score high on sociopathy. This can be interpreted that if we'd abuse children less, we'd have fewer sociopaths * "vegas nerve" - some neural organ modified in mamals compared to reptiles. Reptiles can only freeze if they also feel fear. Mothers however can also freeze without fearing - this helps to suckle the infants. * Members internalize the convictions of their groups. This leads to inertia in changing attitudes towards things. This change can also happen more likely and mostly between generations * mimicry: people are sensitive to the mimicry target. If one mimics a "lower ranking" person, they're perceived worse than if they mimic a higher ranking one. * basic fairness and the golden rule - the author suggests both are broken (soldiers killing soldiers - this refutes the golden rule in an extreme situation) * Example with Socrates. Some guy says: "Good is what gods say is good". Socrates: "Does the fact the gods say it, makes it good, or do gods say things which in a higher sense are good - gods acting like messengers for a higher authority?"
I recommend this book to people interested in neurology and morality, but you should lower your expectations, because the field is too new to be useful for too much more other than to appear cool....more
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