Khanh, first of her name, mother of bunnies's Reviews > Under Different Stars
Under Different Stars (Kricket, #1)
by
If a Kricket cries alone in a forest, does Khanh give a fuck? No. No, she doesn't. Who is Kricket? What is Kricket? I'll tell you.
Take the loveliest, most statuesque and Amazonian-like model you can find, then multiply her beauty tenfold. Add some killer cheekbones to that vision of loveliness. Give her a brilliant brain whose intelligence is visible because her frontal lobe is all alight when viewed with special X-ray glasses! Have her be so slender that she can't rappel because the rope used for climbing down mountainsides can't support her bird-light weight (that doesn't even fucking make sense!!!!!!). Make her an orphan. Give her a special destiny. Make her so bloody special without knowing it.
That, my dear friends, is a fucking Kricket.
But that's not all, our Kricket's story doesn't end there, no. Her destiny is intertwined with several douchebags romantic leads, insta-love, a love triangle, and fucking aliens straight out of Earth Girls are Easy. There, in a nutshell, you've got Under Different Stars.
Summary: Kricket is *sigh* an orphan. A tough-luck Orphan Annie. She's 17 (soon to be 18). She is hiding under the radar from the Chicago Department of Social Services, because beautiful girls like her can't survive in the foster system without being shanked because other girls hate her beauty so much that they'll hurt her for it (she's got the scars to prove it!).
So Kricket is lying low. A little hard to do when you're 5'10, with platinum blonde hair, and violet eyes, but *sigh* what can a poor girl do? She's working as a janitor despite having test scores good enough for admittance at the University of Michigan, Ann Arbor, because she can't afford the tuition. She also works at a bar under the table, because naturally, bars are so eager to lose their fucking liquor license by employing an underaged child and paying her under the fucking table.
Kricket is special. She can tell when people lie. Her hair (platinum blonde) grows back immediately after it's been cut.
When most people don't cut their hair ever, they look like this:
While Kricket, with her un-cuttable hair, looks like this:
Did Kricket forget to tell us that her hair is platinum blonde? It's platinum blonde.
She's got a spicy, spicy gay Latino friend and his equally smexy and sassy boyfriend! Life sucks, but she deals. Until douchebags start coming after her for no fucking reason. They try to kidnap her every fucking where she goes (apparently, there are two groups of them) led by two guys: let's call them Asshole and Motherfucking Asshole, respectively. Asshole and Motherfucking Asshole proceed to lead Kricket on a merry motherfucking chase around Chicago, yelling random ass shit "you-will-pay-for-your-crimes!" to Kricket, but naturally, Kricket doesn't have a fucking clue what they're talking about.
And her hair is platinum blonde.
Finally, Asshole #1 (fine, his name is Trey) manages to kidnaps her using chloroform (which is actually a sweet scent that doesn't smell like ammonia, get your facts straight). He tells her jack shit. He looks into her eyes lovingly.
And her hair is platinum blonde.
Trey nearly drowns her. He tells her that a "crike" is fifty years. He hugs her.
He makes her rappel down a cave (smart) when she's hardly climbed more than the rock-climbing walls at her gym. He calls her Kitten. He sniffs her hair.
He takes her to an alien planet! He tells her nothing. He gently caresses her cheeks.
They run from wild animals and man-eating tigers. He tells her the etiquette between males and females. He tells her how brilliant she is.
Kricket almost sniffs a killer flower. Trey tells her not to! They salsa-dance in the forest! (I'm not fucking kidding)
They arrive in the promised land! Oh, finally, some information!!!! Kricket is important because she's the daughter of her mom! Her mom's a priestess! WELL THAT JUST EXPLAINS EVERYTHING. Her mom's like Helen, the face that launched a thousand ships! The woman who started a war! They started a war over her because she's powerful! Because she can, uh...
And then they get to the special Palace where there's a fucking love triangle over the bigger dickwad who also tried to kidnap her! PLOT?! WHAT PLOT!!!!!!!!!
Oh, and Kricket's hair? It's platinum blonde.
The Setting: AHAHAHAHA. AHAHAHAHAH. YOU'RE KIDDING ME, RIGHT? These fucking aliens are the dumbest piece of shit in the world. The world building is fucking silly, man.
I could tell you that I had a bambuzzle for hugglypoo, and then I went to gympilo to mumple my snortificus, in order to frumplefly my tigglebuns. Does that make any fucking sense? I was laughing my ass off because the language, the language! Pick some random fucking ass words, pretend they're alien words with different meanings, and you've got the language of the Etharians!
As for the world building of the aliens themselves, standard issue. Nothing imaginative. Nothing extraordinary. The only thing that stands out is how ridiculous and silly the faux-alien language is, and how juvenile the "soldiers" who kidnap Kricket are. They know about the internet. They know how to drive cars. They're aghast at the idea of nail polish! They're stupefied by the idea of a fucking thong.
She's so fucking perfect that after days trampling through the fucking forest primeval, she's none the worse for wear except for a slight fucking tan.
The Romance: Let's just overlook the whole love triangle thing. I mean it. The love triangle is the least of this book's troubles when it come to romance. Frankly, the romance comes out of fucking nowhere. Trey fucking kidnaps Kricket. She protests, she yells halfheartedly, she doesn't seem to fucking mind. He takes her to another world. She doesn't give a fuck except to protest halfheartedly about killing him. All of a sudden, he's touching her, caressing her, sniffing her hair, telling her that he's lost his heart to her. AND WE'RE NOT EVEN 25% INTO THE BOOK YET.
Halfway through the book, Kricket and Trey are already familiar enough with each other to simulate having sex to fool people. It's meant to be steamy, I guess? I laughed.
It's a fucking Herbal Essence commercial with all the moans and groans, guys.
That picture isn't accurate. Kricket's hair is platinum blonde.
by
Khanh, first of her name, mother of bunnies's review
bookshelves: ya, why-do-i-hate-myself, sci-fi, romance, mary-sue, jericho-fucking-barrons, boring-main-character, alpha-male
Dec 26, 2013
bookshelves: ya, why-do-i-hate-myself, sci-fi, romance, mary-sue, jericho-fucking-barrons, boring-main-character, alpha-male
“Kricket,” he grins. “It’s such a powerful name,” he breathes.
If a Kricket cries alone in a forest, does Khanh give a fuck? No. No, she doesn't. Who is Kricket? What is Kricket? I'll tell you.
Take the loveliest, most statuesque and Amazonian-like model you can find, then multiply her beauty tenfold. Add some killer cheekbones to that vision of loveliness. Give her a brilliant brain whose intelligence is visible because her frontal lobe is all alight when viewed with special X-ray glasses! Have her be so slender that she can't rappel because the rope used for climbing down mountainsides can't support her bird-light weight (that doesn't even fucking make sense!!!!!!). Make her an orphan. Give her a special destiny. Make her so bloody special without knowing it.
That, my dear friends, is a fucking Kricket.
But that's not all, our Kricket's story doesn't end there, no. Her destiny is intertwined with several douchebags romantic leads, insta-love, a love triangle, and fucking aliens straight out of Earth Girls are Easy. There, in a nutshell, you've got Under Different Stars.
Summary: Kricket is *sigh* an orphan. A tough-luck Orphan Annie. She's 17 (soon to be 18). She is hiding under the radar from the Chicago Department of Social Services, because beautiful girls like her can't survive in the foster system without being shanked because other girls hate her beauty so much that they'll hurt her for it (she's got the scars to prove it!).
So Kricket is lying low. A little hard to do when you're 5'10, with platinum blonde hair, and violet eyes, but *sigh* what can a poor girl do? She's working as a janitor despite having test scores good enough for admittance at the University of Michigan, Ann Arbor, because she can't afford the tuition. She also works at a bar under the table, because naturally, bars are so eager to lose their fucking liquor license by employing an underaged child and paying her under the fucking table.
Kricket is special. She can tell when people lie. Her hair (platinum blonde) grows back immediately after it's been cut.
When most people don't cut their hair ever, they look like this:
While Kricket, with her un-cuttable hair, looks like this:
Did Kricket forget to tell us that her hair is platinum blonde? It's platinum blonde.
She's got a spicy, spicy gay Latino friend and his equally smexy and sassy boyfriend! Life sucks, but she deals. Until douchebags start coming after her for no fucking reason. They try to kidnap her every fucking where she goes (apparently, there are two groups of them) led by two guys: let's call them Asshole and Motherfucking Asshole, respectively. Asshole and Motherfucking Asshole proceed to lead Kricket on a merry motherfucking chase around Chicago, yelling random ass shit "you-will-pay-for-your-crimes!" to Kricket, but naturally, Kricket doesn't have a fucking clue what they're talking about.
And her hair is platinum blonde.
Finally, Asshole #1 (fine, his name is Trey) manages to kidnaps her using chloroform (which is actually a sweet scent that doesn't smell like ammonia, get your facts straight). He tells her jack shit. He looks into her eyes lovingly.
And her hair is platinum blonde.
Trey nearly drowns her. He tells her that a "crike" is fifty years. He hugs her.
He makes her rappel down a cave (smart) when she's hardly climbed more than the rock-climbing walls at her gym. He calls her Kitten. He sniffs her hair.
He takes her to an alien planet! He tells her nothing. He gently caresses her cheeks.
They run from wild animals and man-eating tigers. He tells her the etiquette between males and females. He tells her how brilliant she is.
Kricket almost sniffs a killer flower. Trey tells her not to! They salsa-dance in the forest! (I'm not fucking kidding)
They arrive in the promised land! Oh, finally, some information!!!! Kricket is important because she's the daughter of her mom! Her mom's a priestess! WELL THAT JUST EXPLAINS EVERYTHING. Her mom's like Helen, the face that launched a thousand ships! The woman who started a war! They started a war over her because she's powerful! Because she can, uh...
“What knowledge? Could she predict the future?”Are you fucking kidding me? These dumb as fuck aliens started a war over a woman whose skills are...unknown? It's like starting a war over Iraq because of some random Weapons of Mass Destructions, man. It's fucking dumb.
“I don’t know what her gifts were, Kricket. It was never common knowledge.”
And then they get to the special Palace where there's a fucking love triangle over the bigger dickwad who also tried to kidnap her! PLOT?! WHAT PLOT!!!!!!!!!
Oh, and Kricket's hair? It's platinum blonde.
The Setting: AHAHAHAHA. AHAHAHAHAH. YOU'RE KIDDING ME, RIGHT? These fucking aliens are the dumbest piece of shit in the world. The world building is fucking silly, man.
I could tell you that I had a bambuzzle for hugglypoo, and then I went to gympilo to mumple my snortificus, in order to frumplefly my tigglebuns. Does that make any fucking sense? I was laughing my ass off because the language, the language! Pick some random fucking ass words, pretend they're alien words with different meanings, and you've got the language of the Etharians!
“I’m heading straight to Sequelle’s and eating an entire venish.”By the way: when a world has LESS gravity, you run slower, not faster. Get your facts straight.
“No one can eat an entire venish.”
“I’ll take that wager. No Etharian can eat an entire venish,” Jax replies. “I’ll lay thirty-two fardrooms on it."
“Where are you going to get the money for a wigg?” Wayra laughs.
“I’ll start by taking yours, chester,” Jax counters.
“How many circas of vista did you give her, Trey?” Jax asks, sounding concerned again.
As for the world building of the aliens themselves, standard issue. Nothing imaginative. Nothing extraordinary. The only thing that stands out is how ridiculous and silly the faux-alien language is, and how juvenile the "soldiers" who kidnap Kricket are. They know about the internet. They know how to drive cars. They're aghast at the idea of nail polish! They're stupefied by the idea of a fucking thong.
“Can someone please tell me what that little pink, lacy thing is that I keep catching a glimpse of when she bends down?” Wayra asks.The Sound of a Single Kricket Chirping: Oh, my! Kricket is so special! She's gorgeous (but doesn't know it). She could be a model (if only she were legal).
“Five-ten is not that tall.”Oh, ONLY 5'10. I'm only 5'4. Fuck you, Kricket. She's got platinum hair, which she reminds us at every fucking chance she's got.
“C’mon, you look like a Viking. Those modeling agents would freak for your hollow cheekbones and I bet they’ve never seen a natural blond walk through their lobby doors.”
while pulling my hat from my head, causing my long, platinum-blond hair to cascade around my shoulders.Oh, and her eyes! HER EYES! They're so freakish! Freakishly lovely!
“My eyes are not freakish!”She's so smart! Soooooooo smart!
Enrique makes a derisive sound. “I’ve never met anyone with violet eyes,” he replies, raising his eyebrows. “If I had eyes like yours, I’d be in New York making some serious cash.”
“So that means she’s smart?”She's wise beyond her years! These aliens just KNOW this, man!
Jax beams. “Yeah, she’s smart! She’s brilliant! There’s no telling what she can do.”
“You don’t act your age. You ask questions that I’d expect from someone older than you.”She's BRAVE! Because she knows how to run away from a dangerous monster! As if it's not a natural instinct, like what science calls a "fight or flight" reaction or anything.
Kissing my hair near my temple he whispers against it, “You’re so brave.”Kricket is special! SOOOOO SPECIAL!
"It’s like you were a special case from the start.”All because of her special parents!
“You’re a very important member of our clan,”MORE THAN ROYALTY! GAAAAAASP!!!!!
“What am I, royalty?”
“No…you’re much higher than that.” he replies, his eyes assessing me.
She's so fucking perfect that after days trampling through the fucking forest primeval, she's none the worse for wear except for a slight fucking tan.
I examine my reflection in the mirror for the first time in days. I can’t believe that I look almost the same. Apart from a tan, I can’t even tell that I’ve just been pulled through the universe to another one where I’m the enemy to just about everyone.
The Romance: Let's just overlook the whole love triangle thing. I mean it. The love triangle is the least of this book's troubles when it come to romance. Frankly, the romance comes out of fucking nowhere. Trey fucking kidnaps Kricket. She protests, she yells halfheartedly, she doesn't seem to fucking mind. He takes her to another world. She doesn't give a fuck except to protest halfheartedly about killing him. All of a sudden, he's touching her, caressing her, sniffing her hair, telling her that he's lost his heart to her. AND WE'RE NOT EVEN 25% INTO THE BOOK YET.
“You trying to stop her heart, sir?” Jax asks in a concerned tone, coming to me and checking me for injuries.I don't quite know what to make of Trey, because Trey doesn't know exactly what he wants to be. He's got no personality. He's not quite a nice guy. He's not quite an asshole (although he sure as fuck tries to be one). He is just completely unnotable, absolutely fucking forgettable in every single way. He seems to ascribe specialness to the already special snowflake that is Kricket. He seems to enjoy playing babysitter to her than being her lover and her equal.
“No, she’s stopping mine,” Trey replies softly, watching Jax examine me.
Halfway through the book, Kricket and Trey are already familiar enough with each other to simulate having sex to fool people. It's meant to be steamy, I guess? I laughed.
It's a fucking Herbal Essence commercial with all the moans and groans, guys.
Then, I close my eyes, groaning louder than before as water cascades down my hair. “Ohhh, Trey…Trey!” I call out in a raspy tone, like I’ve heard Bridget do in the middle of the night when Eric sleeps over. Finding a dispenser of shampoo, I pour some in my hand, lathering it in my hair. Eliciting what I hope is a sensual sounding gasp, I let my voice strain as I murmur, “Ahhh…” Rinsing my hair, I try the other dispenser that smells like coconut.
That picture isn't accurate. Kricket's hair is platinum blonde.
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Reading Progress
December 26, 2013
–
Started Reading
December 26, 2013
– Shelved
December 26, 2013
–
13.47%
"Save me.
She's brilliant. She's 5'10. She's got platinum blonde hair (that she mentions when her hair got flipped over her shoulders). She's got "freakish" violet eyes.
Help."
page
40
She's brilliant. She's 5'10. She's got platinum blonde hair (that she mentions when her hair got flipped over her shoulders). She's got "freakish" violet eyes.
Help."
December 27, 2013
– Shelved as:
ya
December 27, 2013
– Shelved as:
why-do-i-hate-myself
December 27, 2013
– Shelved as:
romance
December 27, 2013
– Shelved as:
sci-fi
December 27, 2013
– Shelved as:
mary-sue
December 27, 2013
– Shelved as:
jericho-fucking-barrons
December 27, 2013
– Shelved as:
boring-main-character
December 27, 2013
– Shelved as:
alpha-male
December 27, 2013
–
Finished Reading
Comments Showing 1-50 of 297 (297 new)
message 1:
by
Figgy
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added it
Dec 27, 2013 09:58PM
Holy crap, what's with all the four and five star reviews of this thing?!
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Oh, this made me laugh! I hope that's some consolation to the suffering that you clearly went through to provide such entertainment.
And she was actually INTO the crazy, obsessive, serial-killer guy who liked to sniff her hair?
Sorry, can I just ask... What colour was that hair?
And she was actually INTO the crazy, obsessive, serial-killer guy who liked to sniff her hair?
Sorry, can I just ask... What colour was that hair?
Khanh the Killjoy wrote:
Suze: I DON'T KNOW. This is why I don't trust ratings ><"
It sounds so phenomenally dorky... I just... WHY. And from the quotes, Kricket sounds like high fantasy on crack. NOT an eighteen-year-old. Jeez. Must be all the *specials*.
Suze: I DON'T KNOW. This is why I don't trust ratings ><"
It sounds so phenomenally dorky... I just... WHY. And from the quotes, Kricket sounds like high fantasy on crack. NOT an eighteen-year-old. Jeez. Must be all the *specials*.
I'm always reading so avidly your one star reviews. I just love to laugh my brains out :D
message 14:
by
Khanh, first of her name, mother of bunnies
(last edited Dec 28, 2013 12:15AM)
(new)
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rated it 1 star
Camila - The name wouldn't be as "strong" if it started with a C. That's like totes obvious.
Such a Kritic.
(shudder)
Such a Kritic.
(shudder)
It's a loophole, Khanh.
She could hurt you to make you stop calling her Kamila, but then she wouldn't be strong enough to hurt you, because her name would be Camila, and then you could call her Kamila again... :P
(edited to fix misspelling of name due to preoccupation with current book. Sorry Camila.)
She could hurt you to make you stop calling her Kamila, but then she wouldn't be strong enough to hurt you, because her name would be Camila, and then you could call her Kamila again... :P
(edited to fix misspelling of name due to preoccupation with current book. Sorry Camila.)
HAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHA I'M NEVER READING THIS. OMG THIS SOUNDS HORRID AND STUPID AND KRICKET SOUNDS TSTL.
Great review though!
Great review though!
Hahaha! I love your review of this book! I'm sorry about your suffering through it, but this was hilarious xD I wonder what color her hair was though... O_o
If you start calling me Kamilla, will I grow beautiful hair, have violet eyes and become wise and special? I'm already 5'9, almost there.
But, seriously, don't. Or I'll start calling you Chanh.
But, seriously, don't. Or I'll start calling you Chanh.
Heehee! I'd say you're more like lemonade. Sour + sweetness. That statement about Kricket being a powerful name. I keep thinking he's going to tell Grasshoppah to snatch the pebble from his hand :-)
I like to think of myself as Sweet and Sour Chicken. I'm an Americanized version of a dubious quasi-Asian food, sickly sweet with a hint of sourness, and I often leave you sick to your stomach the next day >_>
Pffft! Only people who deserve it. I personally never get tummy aches. I find your slightly acidic reviews quite palatable. Wimps can take a Tums ;-)
Violet eyes set off the Star Trek red alert signal in my head. They're an omen of special snowflakiness. Auto correct pisses me off when I'm making up good words!
I love this review. It's perfect, and very, very helpful - I now know to keep well away from this one!
Reading the blurb, I'd probably have stayed away from it anyway as even that does sound a tad too romance-focused for my liking, but, well, it also promises aliens and different worlds, so who knows if I'd have been tempted anyway.
Eurgh, though.
Reading the blurb, I'd probably have stayed away from it anyway as even that does sound a tad too romance-focused for my liking, but, well, it also promises aliens and different worlds, so who knows if I'd have been tempted anyway.
Eurgh, though.
From the blurb, I saw LOVE TRIANGLE. I can tolerate a love triangle, it doesn't kill a book for me, but the book itself was just so bad.
LOL at that shampoo scene. Your review had me in stitches :P
And this sounds absolutely terrible, hah.
And this sounds absolutely terrible, hah.
Kricket and Trey are trying to fool people into thinking they're a couple, and apparently just making lovey dovey eyes at each other wasn't convincing enough...hence the faux-sex-in-the-shower scene =_=
But... He sniffs her platinum blonde hair, and she doesn't call him a loony... Surely that's proof enough?
Why do they need people to think they're together?
Why do they need people to think they're together?
They're trying to hide the fact that Kricket is special and trying to remain inconspicuous in order to fulfil their mission (to prove Kricket's specialness). Naturally, the best way to do that is to have loud, uninhibited sex while pretending to be a married couple.
Well, of course!
Did they think to get fake wedding rings, or work out a story as to why they don't HAVE wedding rings, at least?
Did they think to get fake wedding rings, or work out a story as to why they don't HAVE wedding rings, at least?
Does she chirp. I just wanna know.
This review was amazing!! The cover is pretty... why does the inside of the book have to suck so much?
"Kricket is important because she's the daughter of her mom!"
I probably broke a few ribs while laughing at this. Khanh, I am officially in love with you. Will you marry me?
I probably broke a few ribs while laughing at this. Khanh, I am officially in love with you. Will you marry me?
can't remember last time i busted out laughing this much. amazing review. definitely skipping this one.
LOL. The last pic is beyond fabulous. You laugh through the love scene,. Bahahaaha. Brilliant, Lemon. Simply spectacular.
I love your review. It's honest and I still read the book. I did enjoy it though. There are days I just need something like this, and I have to say I just adore Amy Bartol. I also could not understand why she did not know where Kyons heart would be since they should have the same anatomy. She is not human, wouldn't you know where your heart is beats.