Sex File: Help! I'm stressed about holiday sex
My wife and I are about to go on a much-needed holiday for a week. We're in our 40s, but have been busy with work and kids lately
A: If you have never had difficulties performing before, there is no reason to think it will suddenly become a problem on holiday. However, if it is an existing concern that you have never addressed, you need to do three things.
The first is to be honest with your wife about the issue. I guarantee she would not want her expectation to cause you distress, or make you feel less relaxed about your trip. Keeping your worry to yourself will create distance between you and, of course, anxiety about sexual 'failure' is a self-fulfilling prophecy.
The second thing you need to do is to talk to your GP. Erectile dysfunction becomes more common as men get older; about 40% of men in their 40s experience difficulty getting or maintaining an erection. The issue can be psychological and worry exacerbates it, but it can also be an early-warning sign of underlying health problems such as heart disease. If your GP gives you the all-clear, he or she may prescribe a PDE5 inhibitor such as Viagra or Cialis. The key difference between the drugs is that Cialis lasts for about 36 hours compared with only 4 to 5 hours for Viagra.
If you don't have time to see a GP before you leave, Boots and other pharmacies sell Viagra Connect in a 50mg strength in packs of 4, 8, 12 or 24 tablets; 8 tablets cost approx €45. If you buy it online you will need to fill in a short health questionnaire, or you can have a private chat with a pharmacist in a Boots store to confirm it is OK for you to take it. They are safe, but please note that men who take nitrates for angina, or who have serious heart or liver problems, should not take them.
Viagra has been around since 1998 and research conducted at the University of California after it was launched found that the 50mg strength improved erections in 74% of men versus 16% for placebo. The placebo effect is powerful, so even if you never take a single tablet, packing those pills in your suitcase may help to reduce your anxiety and allow you to share your wife's excitement about the holiday.
You could use that emotional switch from anxiety to excitement to good effect too, as they are sister emotions that trigger similar physiological responses. When you are anxious, your heart beats faster, blood pressure increases and you feel a little short of breath. You experience the same changes when you feel excited, and research has shown that when people reappraise things that make them anxious as things that make them excited, it helps them to feel better.
Another thing you could do is to stop thinking about the holiday as a whole and try to anticipate smaller aspects of the experience. Rather than worrying about a whole week of sexual demands, think, in detail, about what you might do on one occasion only. Imagine a long lie-in, or an afternoon nap, followed by luxuriant love making, a shared bubble bath, fluffy white robes and room service. Have a lovely holiday.
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