5 Reasons Why Partners Have Emotional Affairs

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Affairs.

No one wants to talk about them because they're painful. Painful to think about the possibility of an affair happening within your relationship, and, of course, painful if your relationship has been impacted by an affair.

Either way, it’s important that we do talk about affairs. Research data shows that between 15 to 20 percent of married couples are affected by infidelity.

As a couples therapist who works with childhood emotional neglect, I’ve worked with many couples who experience not just sexual affairs but also emotional affairs. These two types of affairs are different and impact a couple in unique ways. It’s crucial we talk about emotional affairs—the lesser talked about kind of cheating.

Sexual affairs tend to be rooted in anger, while emotional affairs tend to be rooted in loneliness. The reasons for having an emotional affair discussed below are by no means a way to excuse this form of betrayal. They are only intended to help you prevent an affair, and to help you understand yourself, your relationship, or any affair you may have experienced, so that you can heal.

It’s also necessary to note that the healthiest way to deal with relationship issues is to talk directly with your partner. If that seems too difficult, couples therapy is a safe space to discuss difficult topics. If the issues are unresolvable, it’s still crucial that you end your relationship before getting involved with someone new. The way you end your relationship impacts the mental well-being of yourself and your partner. You both deserve to move forward with respect.

Emotional Affairs: 5 Reasons They Happen

1. A Conflict-Avoidant Personality: Jerry hates arguments. He grew up watching his parents fight, and he swore he would have a very different marriage than them. But now, when issues do arise in his marriage, he brushes them under the rug. He doesn’t think it’s worth bringing up and starting a conflict—that would be even more uncomfortable to Jerry than pushing his ever-growing list of grievances to the side. Lately, Jerry has felt distant from his wife. He doesn’t feel understood, but the idea of sharing that with her terrifies him. Jerry is at risk of seeking emotional comfort elsewhere, with someone with whom he could share his feelings without the threat of conflict.

2. Feeling Hopeless About Your Marriage: Leonna misses her husband. He hasn’t been the same after retirement and seems to have fallen into a depression. She tries to connect with him, but he gives her one-word answers and seems checked out. Leonna convinces him to go to couples therapy with her but she doesn’t feel they’re making any progress. She’s beginning to feel hopeless, wondering if her husband will ever snap out of it. She feels so lonely. At work, she feels more like herself and has been confiding in John, her coworker, who seems to understand what she’s going through.

3. Unequal Emotional Capabilities: Linda and her husband, Shane, have always been heavy drinkers. Linda started going to therapy about two years ago and has since become sober. She feels great and is actively involved in AA. She tries to share what she’s learned with Shane, but he shuts down every time Linda talks about recovery. Shane has voiced that he feels Linda is “different” now and that he doesn’t entirely understand why Linda chooses to be sober. Linda feels devastated that her husband cannot recognize the positive changes she’s made in her life, and believes Shane is in denial about his own addiction issues. Her sponsor is emotionally aware and attuned to what Linda feels. She’s been relying on him for emotional support.

4. Not Prioritizing the Emotional Needs of Yourself or Your Partner: Jules and Jacob both grew up with childhood emotional neglect. As children, they weren’t asked how they were feeling. If they did have an emotion, it would be ignored. They learned that their feelings weren’t important and lived life as if their feelings didn’t exist. Today, as a married couple, they continue to ignore their feelings and have trouble recognizing the feelings of each other. Their conversations are about plans, facts, logistics, and parenting. They feel disconnected from each other, and also from themselves. In reality, they don’t even realize that emotional connection is missing because it’s something they never experienced. Both Jules and Jacob could be easily drawn to someone who can offer them something that has been missing their entire lives: emotional connection. This is how growing up with childhood emotional neglect can be a risk factor for emotional affairs.

5. The Lack of Issues and Lack of Discomfort That a New Relationship Brings: Jerry, from example 1, met someone at the gym. After years of pushing down his true feelings and grievances toward his wife, he feels as though she doesn’t even know him. When he talks to Lynn at the gym, he feels an instant spark. It feels so nice to just have an easy conversation with someone new, with no underlying resentments. He feels hopeful.

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You may have noticed that not one of these folks went looking for an emotional affair. It happens after a buildup of feeling alone and helpless. Jerry, Leonna, Linda, Jules, and Jacob all had emotional needs that were unmet, whether they knew it or not.

Below are ways to prevent an emotional affair from impacting your relationship. Emotional affairs are preventable, especially if you are taking the steps to heal from childhood emotional neglect.

Emotional Affairs: 5 Ways to Prevent Them

1. Normalize having emotional needs. Understanding and accepting that emotional needs are a natural, normal, integral part of being a human will make it far easier for you to allow yourself to feel and express your needs. If necessary, you may have to fight for them, and that is a healthy thing to do.

2. Know that having emotional needs is a part of being human. Your feelings and your needs are necessary and important, despite what you may have learned if you grew up with childhood emotional neglect.

3. Talk it out. When you avoid conflict, you also avoid strengthening your marriage. Having disagreements (as all people do) and expressing yourself to your partner are the key ingredients to feeling truly known and seen.

4. Focus on your partner. Just as you have important feelings and emotional needs, so does your partner. Make sure to tune in to what they might be feeling or needing. Ask them if you don’t know! Do your best to give them the emotional attention they need.

5. Understand that a new person is not the solution. While someone new can feel exciting and free from the difficulties you might be experiencing with your partner, know that with time, those same difficulties will surface with someone new, too. You need to address the disconnect in your relationship and heal, either together or separately. Then, when you do find someone new, you won’t continue the pattern of feeling emotionally disconnected in your relationships.

Emotional affairs can be prevented and they can be healed. If you notice your relationship is lacking emotional connection, follow the four steps above to strengthen and "affair-proof" your marriage. You deserve to feel deeply connected to your partner, and they deserve to feel closer to you.

To find a therapist near you, visit the Psychology Today Therapy Directory.

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